The Commercial Break: "Benevolent King Zan"

Podcast Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley
Date: October 4, 2024
Main Theme:
A whirlwind comedic journey through ruined pools, natural disasters, festival lineups, the latest celebrity scandals, and the uniquely awkward wisdom of pickup artist "godfather" Zan Perrion—whose 21 Convention appearance becomes the episode’s meta centerpiece to roast and riff on.

Episode Overview

Bryan, Krissy, and recurring guest Joy bring their signature chaotic banter to bear on the absurdities of life—parenting gripes, weather calamities, celebrity implosions, and the bizarre world of internet "alpha males." The episode's main event is a play-by-play (and takedown) of Zan Perrion's 21 Convention speech, which fails to deliver on its "benevolent patriarch" premise, providing instead a meandering legacy lecture to an empty room. The hosts' irreverent asides, singing, and roasting fill the gaps, making for an episode that’s simultaneously a comedy of errors and a sharp satire of self-help masculinity.

Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. On Parenting and Sibling Dynamics

• Timestamp 00:00–01:00
  • Bryan rails against the myth that having multiple kids means built-in playmates:
    • "You can't just have one kid. Every only child I've ever known is weird. ...They don't play together. They don't even like each other. They're enemies. The closest they come to playing together is body slamming each other on the nugget sofas. Okay, It's a fight club in here. Just have one and know some peace in your life." (Bryan, 00:00)

2. Festival Plugs and Aging Out of Partying

• Timestamp 02:36–03:55
  • Plug for Mempho Festival: Jack White, The Roots, Trey Anastasio, Goose.
  • Bryan on outgrowing the wild side of jam-band shows:
    • "I love Fish...but when I turned, like, 40, I was like, I don't know that heroin and balloons are my thing anymore. Plus, I have 30 children." (Bryan, 03:49)

3. Storm Devastation in the Carolinas/Appalachia

• Timestamp 04:03–07:17
  • Personal accounts of the hurricane’s aftermath, missing loved ones, and the loss of familiar places.
  • Bryan reflects on friends in affected valleys and the sad surrealism:
    • "[Asheville's] complete devastation...the mountains often dissipate any really intense weather like that...but that. That was not true. When you get 29 inches of rain in 70 hours, there's nothing you can do." (Bryan, 06:48)
  • Shoutout to Elon Musk’s Starlink for disaster connectivity, despite Bryan’s distaste for Musk.

4. Celebrity Scandal: P. Diddy in Hotter Water

• Timestamp 08:21–11:11
  • The hosts riff incredulously about the mounting lawsuits and lurid allegations.
  • "Someone is shopping a pornographic video of P. Diddy with a more famous person involved...this story keeps getting more and more terrible." (Bryan, 08:25)
  • Satirical aside likening needing a defense to requiring Atticus Finch or F. Lee Bailey.
  • Absurd sidebar: The confusion of Ted Bundy’s court escape with Charles Manson, leading to mock history lessons.

5. Homeownership Hell: The Pool from the Black Lagoon

• Timestamp 12:20–19:39
  • Pool disaster stories post-storm, battling algae, frogs, chemical overload, and getting fleeced by repair guys.
  • Bryan’s phone conversation with the pool guy escalates into double entendre:
    • "You gotta, you tickle it. A little this way, tickle his balls this way, and then tickle its balls that way." (Chrissy & Bryan, 16:31-16:37)
  • "I've already spent $4,000 on chemicals...I'm just too OCD to look out there and see that green pool. ...It's perfect pH balance for the frogs." (Bryan, 17:23)

6. Commercial Break Satire & Mini-Announcements

• Timestamp 20:03–23:00
  • Canceled Florida shows get addressed.
  • Meta-jokes about "tours" and the nature of podcasting schedules.

Main Event: Zan Perrion at the 21 Convention

7. Setting the Scene

• Timestamp 23:27–25:12
  • Introduction of Zan as “godfather of the manosphere” and seduction guru—immediately lampooned by the hosts:
    • "If the, you know, elite alumni of the 21 Convention is Zaun, the guy who couldn't sell any books...you're really scraping the bottom." (Bryan, 24:02)

8. Zan’s Meandering Keynote: Lost in Legacy

• Timestamp 27:05–54:10 (interspersed with hosts' reactions)
  • Opening with Zero Prep:
    • "I have no PowerPoint...I don't even have a speech. I'm just going to riff on a few things I think I'm thinking about and I'm curious about." (Zan, 27:32–28:48)
  • Empty Room:
    • The hosts roast the sparse (“three people”) audience and awkward flag display.
  • ‘Benevolent Patriarch’ Frame:
    • "You have the patriarch, the benevolent patriarch, which is a beautiful concept." (Zan, 31:31)
    • Bryan interjects: "Of this conference is the, Daddy, I need pussy badly..." (Bryan, 31:05)
  • Rocking Chair Wisdom:
    • "I'm shifting into a kind of a different phase...now I have a study...I got a rocking chair. I can't think without it. I do all my zoom calls in a rocking chair." (Zan, 42:34)
    • Hosts erupt:
      • "Bring me my phone so I may ring Barbara back and get thy pussy for the evening, Barbara. ...This computer is trash. Have it burned with my bolos." (Chrissy, 41:12, 41:50, 42:40)
  • Playing at Profundity:
    • Zan mulls: "What exists because of you?...which is the concept of legacy." (Zan, 33:42–34:18)
    • Hosts point out how little actionable advice is delivered, repeatedly calling out the lack of content.

9. Zan’s Musings on Fatherhood and Love

• Timestamp 35:43–50:10
  • Long tangent about his daughter and being her father; calling her before every speech.
  • Claims his key message is about “the beloved”—nebulous platitude over practical advice:
    • “Look upon each other as your beloved, which we're starving for in this modern world.” (Zan, 53:46)

10. Hosts’ Satirical Reactions Throughout

• Relentless parody of Zan’s Old-Testament diction:
  • “Blessings upon you, young son. It's gonna be okay. You're going to have a rocking chair someday.” (Chrissy, 45:08)
  • “This is thy beloved with whom I am well pleased and satisfied. In the groin illustration. I shall now jism all over my beloved.” (Chrissy, 52:45)
• Summing up Zan’s arc: promises of pick-up tactics devolving into legacy rambling and rocking chair imagery, with no practical advice for the audience who “paid $3,000” to hear about how to get girls.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Pickup Gurus:

  • “If he's the godfather of the seduction community, then you don't have much to hang your hat on…” (Bryan, 25:01)

• On Disasters:

  • “It was just a haymaker...now people are missing...towns are washed out. Asheville may never be the same again.” (Bryan, 04:49–06:04)

• On Aging Out of Party Culture:

  • “I love Fish...but when I turned, like, 40, I was like, I don't know that heroin and balloons are my thing anymore.” (Bryan, 03:49)

• On the 21 Convention Attendance:

  • “There is literally three people. They are so far apart from each other. What's going on?” (Bryan, 30:44)

• On Zan’s Narrative Style:

  • “I have nothing prepared. I’m just gonna jizz on you. And hopefully it makes sense.” (Chrissy, 43:23)

• On Pool Maintenance Double Entendres:

  • “You tickle his balls this way, and then tickle its balls that way. …And then rub the shaft a little. ...and get it to jizz.” (Chrissy & Bryan, 16:31-16:37)

• On Takeaway from Zan’s ‘Wisdom’:

  • “We're an hour in. We've heard nothing substantive.” (Chrissy, 53:57)

Memorable Moments & Running Gags

• Bryan’s “Green Pool and Frogs” Saga – Recurring source for metaphors and exasperation.
• “Benevolent King of Pussy” Medieval Improv – Chrissy repeatedly riffs in Old English, lampooning Zan’s pseudo-wisdom.
• Rocking Chair and Bolo Tie Bits – The hosts take every opportunity to joke about sartorial and lifestyle choices as evidence of midlife self-delusion.
• Meta-Podcast Satire – The show doubles back to poke fun at its own lack of structure and the nature of making fun of “self-help” conferences.

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Parenting/Only Children (00:00–01:00)
• Mempho Festival Plug (02:36–03:55)
• Storm Devastation (04:03–07:17)
• P Diddy / Celebrity Scandal (08:21–11:11)
• Pool Disaster, Professional Help (12:20–19:39)
• Canceled Shows / Announcements (20:03–23:00)
• Intro to Zan & 21 Convention (23:27–25:12)
• Zan’s Non-Speech & Hosts’ Roast (27:05–54:10, with continuous interjections)
• Zan’s “Beloved” Message (53:32–54:10)

Summary

"Benevolent King Zan" is a prime example of The Commercial Break’s irreverent, no-holds-barred riffing on the absurdities of modern living and the cottage industry of self-styled internet gurus. Bryan, Krissy, and Joy masterfully blend genuine concern for real-world troubles with their trademark lampoonery—whether dunking on their own domestic chaos or the bloviating solemnity of the manosphere’s would-be patriarchs. Their savage, comedic commentary makes even the slowest “self-help” speech become a case study in satire, ensuring laughs and quotable moments for anyone who feels (mercifully) left out of the world of alpha-male conferences, green pools, and rocking chair philosophies.