Best Of: Massage Memory Lane

Summary

The Commercial Break – "Best Of: Massage Memory Lane"

Episode Date: October 16, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley
Producer: Christina

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Overview

This "Best Of" episode of The Commercial Break dives into the hilariously awkward and often bewildering world of massages, as experienced by host Brian Green and co-host Krissy Hoadley. Christina, the producer, curates a collection of Bryan’s infamous massage stories—each full of misadventure, confusion, and the duo’s signature irreverent banter. In addition, the episode reflects on how cultural boundaries and expectations around massages can go hilariously, and sometimes uncomfortably, awry.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Christina’s Introduction and Setup (00:18)

• Christina surprises listeners with her return to the "Best Of" chair, teasing Bryan's love/hate relationship with massages.
• She frames the main storytelling arc: "We all know how fond Brian is of a massage, whichever type that may be...So I thought we’d take a little trip down massage memory lane."

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2. Bryan's Infamous Super Bowl Massage Fiasco (02:25–51:33)

a. The Setting and First Impressions (02:25–17:32)

• Bryan recounts opting for a massage during the Super Bowl, only to encounter a spa straight out of a surrealist play:

  • Described as a strip-mall spa with "one chair, a desk, and extreme minimalism."
  • No music, a single spotlight, and an oppressive sense of awkwardness.
  • "I feel like it’s dark in there, so there’s a vibe going on. And now I am under investigation for being the creep who comes on Super Bowl Sunday at 7 p.m." (05:33)

• The front desk pushes add-ons and memberships relentlessly.

• "You got to go here—it’s great. It’s wonderful. It’s newfangled. And I’m like, you know, love the vibe in there. And I’m like, okay, vibes. I like the vibes. When you go for a massage, you want vibes, right?" (03:39)

b. The Awkward Wait and Interview Phase (07:51–17:32)

• Bryan waits, uncomfortably, a full 15 minutes past his scheduled time.
• The massage therapist and Bryan have an almost wordless standoff before he finally introduces himself.
• In the "mud room," she tries to initiate a “getting to know you” session about Bryan’s massage history—Bryan is less than enthused:
  • "My massage history is: I know how to get a massage...I lay there, you do it. That’s it. What else do we need?" (12:20)
• Privacy is questionable, as is the protocol—Bryan nearly undresses in the mudroom before being stopped.

c. The Bizarre Massage Area and Sheet Origami (14:07–41:17)

• Massage rooms are split by see-through canvas sheets, and ocean sounds play—loudly—throughout.
• "It’s like cubicles for massage." (15:17)
• The therapist speaks in a barely audible whisper, asks for glute massage consent (which she then almost resents him for agreeing to), and is fiercely cautious about boundaries.
• Sheet origami becomes the main motif—most of the massage is sheet adjustment, not touch.
  • "I didn’t come for a sheet massage. I can get that in my own bed." (41:25)
  • "I think it was less massaging and more about her sheet folding abilities." (34:08)

d. Gloves, Glutes, and Lack of Technique (29:49–38:10)

• The massage therapist dons latex gloves—which baffles Bryan:
  • "Having a massage with gloves on is like having sex with a condom. It’s not the same." (30:25)
• The therapist uses hot water bottles rather than advertised hot stones.
  • "There was no stones. It was like a water bottle. I don't even know why they said it's hot stone massage." (48:14)
• Lavender aromatherapy is executed by waving gloved hands in front of Bryan’s face, failing to deliver any scent.
• Pressure is nonexistent: "She’s giving me a high five on my back but with no pressure—like my 5-year-old gives me a high five." (33:32)

e. Heat Overload and the Final Disappointment (25:40–51:33)

• The table heater is far too hot, adding to his discomfort.
• The bulk of the session is spent on convoluted sheet arrangements and massaging Bryan's shins and elbows, barely touching his back (his one request).
• Ends with a "walk of shame" through the hallway of canvas sheets, a Dixie cup of water, and the realization he tipped for an ordeal, not a service.
• Self-aware reflection: "Great massage—if you’re not looking for a massage. If you’re looking for a touch free massage...Ask for this lady. She’ll blow on your back, but with a mask on. Safety first." (42:07)

Notable Quote

"Most of it was sheet folding. So she says, you can get…You know, take your time, get your—"
(Krissy Hoadley, 48:03; Bryan Green, 48:04)

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3. Cultural Crossovers and "Happy Ending" Lore (52:39–61:00)

a. European Massage Taboo: Breast Massages in Tuscany (53:01–54:38)

• Krissy and Bryan share stories about inadvertently intimate massages in Italy—pec muscles, close contact.
• “When in Rome, you literally do what the Romans do.” (53:18)
• “I was compromised in Italy one time…He was all up on your boobs, wasn’t he?” (53:01–53:14)

b. The "Happy Feet" Episodes and Miscommunications (57:22–60:54)

• Both recall awkward moments at massage joints with confusing boundaries, including being asked if they want “extra.”
• Krissy’s tale: "Very close in. Under the crotch. It was very…yeah, all of that." (58:09–58:11)
• Bryan’s evolution: early massage, kept jeans on; was told to remove them ("no, take pants off"). Realizes later the therapist was offering a “happy ending.”
  • "I was like, what the fuck is a happy ending? She's like, well, she would have whacked you off. And I'm like, I don't know. Whack me off. That girl wouldn't have whacked me off. She was like, 80. Who cares?" (59:55–60:35)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

The Super Bowl Sunday Setup

"I feel like I’m under investigation for being the creep who comes on Super Bowl Sunday at 7 p.m.”
—Brian Green (05:33)

Sheet Folding Olympics

"I didn’t come for a sheet massage. I can get that in my own bed.”
—Brian Green (41:25)

On Glove-Use and Authentic Human Touch

“Having a massage with gloves on is like having sex with a condom. It’s not the same.”
—Brian Green (30:25)

On Cultural Massage Boundaries

“When in Rome, literally. When literally in Rome, you do what the Romans do.”
—Brian Green (53:18)

The Inconvenient "Happy Ending"

"She was like, you want extra? You want extra? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. No extra... She was asking if you wanted a happy ending."
—Bryan Green (59:53–60:35)

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Memorable & Unfiltered Banter

• Ongoing riff about sheet origami and how it dominates the session.
• Bryan’s repeated pleas for “just a back massage” fall on deaf ears.
• The comparison of the uncomfortable, clinical, safety-first massage to previous more “adventurous” or culturally ambiguous encounters.
• Christina’s cheeky recurring interjections, playfully promoting TCB’s social channels and making light of Bryan’s ongoing bad massage luck.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Christina Intro / Episode Set-Up: 00:18–01:09
• Super Bowl Massage Ordeal: 02:25–51:33
  • Lobby & Waiting Room Vibe: 02:25–07:51
  • The Interview & Room Transition: 07:51–17:32
  • Sheet Origami & Glove Moment: 14:07–41:17
  • The “Massage” (and lack thereof): 29:49–51:33
• Cultural Massage Misadventures (Italy & "Happy Feet"): 52:39–61:00

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Tone & Vibe

• Irreverent, candid, and joyfully self-deprecating.
• Celebrates life's oddities and embarrassments with wit and warmth.
• "Just fine"—embracing unpolished, casual humor.
• An unfiltered friendship at its best, inviting listeners into their world of bizarre, relatable mishaps.

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For the Uninitiated Listener

This episode is a deeply funny, sometimes cringe-inducing exploration of what can go wrong—or just plain weird—when you seek relaxation but get everything but. Bryan’s horror show at the strip-mall spa is told with wild detail—awkward silences, inscrutable protocols, glove-wearing therapists, burning table heaters, and relentless sheet folding. Interwoven are anecdotes from Krissy and Bryan about international massage surprises and accidental happy endings, revealing the perils and punchlines of trusting strangers with your relaxation. The laughter is infectious, the stories authentic, and the chemistry unmistakably that of friends who’ve seen—and endured—it all.

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Closing

Christina wraps up with a tease for more chaotic "best of" episodes to come, and reiterates ways to connect with the show on socials, all while wishing Bryan a rapid recovery from his (comically described) upcoming surgery.

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For fans of a hearty, sometimes raunchy laugh and those who appreciate a run-in with life's absurdities, this episode delivers classic TCB: outrageous, relatable, and always a little unhinged.

Transcript

[Brian Green]

Get Internet dating.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That didn't work.

[Christina (Producer)]

No, it did not.

[Brian Green]

We're gonna have to do this the old fashioned way.

[Christina (Producer)]

Get you hammered, find a man you.

[Brian Green]

Don'T fancy, sleep with him anyway and see if he grows on you over time. Right. On this episode of the commercial break, Surprise.

[Christina (Producer)]

It's me, Christina, your producer. I'm back, baby. I bet you thought you'd gotten rid of me cause yesterday you had an episode of Brian and Astrid. Well, you're wrong. Now, before you swipe away because you hate best of and you're trying to start a fight with me, which I have warned you about, just hear me out. We all know how fond Brian is of a massage, whichever type that may be. And since he is probably currently getting a massage in Spain because he just spent many hours sitting in an airplane seat and we all know he can't handle that, I thought we'd take a little trip down massage memory lane. Personally, I am always giggling at Brian's ridiculous massage stories, so hopefully you will be too. So for the first foible, I have Brian and Chrissy discussing his very short massage where his masseuse was being very brave indeed. Enjoy.

[Brian Green]

The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Yeah, boy. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the beautiful co host of the commercial break, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris, Bestie, Brian. The best you out there in the podcast universe. Well, as we are recording this, it's official. The Taylor Swift super bowl is over. Y so we can all move on with our lives now.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yep.

[Brian Green]

And there you go. That's all I got to say. Great game. Congratulations to Patrick Mahomes and the rest of the team.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. Overtime only.

[Brian Green]

This boyfriend, he did a good job also. Yeah. Wow. Only second time has been into overtime. Seventh longest game in NFL history. I'm just repeating facts that I heard somebody else say. So if I'm wrong, you all right. Got it. And a dynasty well under way. I do have to say, while I'm not the most the biggest watcher of NFL football, I like college much better. I like college much more. I. What a game. Yeah, you can't argue it was a good game. Yeah, it's a good game. Fun to watch.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And I loved Usher. I have to. I'm an Usher fan and he brought the atl.

[Brian Green]

That's not Usher. But anyway. Yeah, okay. And now I only watched really most of the second half and I'll tell you why. I watched most of the second half and not the first half because I got a massage while the super bowl was going on.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Good for you.

[Brian Green]

I was in a terrible way. My. My back's killing me and I'm like, I'm all twisted up. And so Astrid, my wonderful wife, is like, I need you to shut up, so I'm going to get you a massage. And she's like, it's your early Valentine's Day present. And I was like, okay, thanks, babe. And she's like, they have seven o' clock tonight. And I think to myself, super bowl or I'm on my way to the massage. I don't care. The first half. I don't. I. I didn't plan on watching a whole bunch of it anyway, but I caught the whole second half and I was glad I did because it was a really exciting, you know, two quarters of football. Anyway, so I go to this massage place. Now, let me talk about my massage experience because I think it's really important out here in the commercial break. Not going to give the name of the place. I'm sure that they're lovely people over there. But I go to the massage place and it's in one of these strip malls, like a lot of massage places are, right? It's in one of these strip malls close to the house. And it's new. And we've. It's been recommended to us by other people that we know. They say, oh, you got to go here. It's great. It's wonderful. It's great, you know, new. It's newfangled. And I'm like, you know, love the vibe in there. And I'm like, okay, vibes. I like the vibes. When you go to for a massage, you want vibes, right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay, calm. Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Green]

I want calming vibes. But, you know, I could use a little charisma. I like a little Riz. I'm trying to be cool with the kids. I like a little Riz in my. Whatever. So I show up, it's seven o', clock, the game is already underway, and no one is parked out front, obviously, it's just me. And I'm assuming the masseuse and then the person who works up front, the lady who works up front. So I'm like, but that's kind of what I expected. Like, yeah, whatever. So I walk into this place and it's this huge lobby. And minimalist is not even close to the word that I would use to describe what is going on in this lobby. It is a standalone desk. Sitting there with the Person greeting you and hello, welcome to whatever and how are you doing? Yes, I'm Brian. I'm here for my 7:00pm okay, no problem. There are bathrooms right there. Two doors in the lobby that are bathrooms. This huge lobby.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And then feel free to take a seat of which there is one chair. One chair in the entire lobby. Not a magazine, not a book, not a nothing to be found. It's just one chair with the room.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And a chair and a desk.

[Brian Green]

Huge lobby. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we're talking like, I don't know, 30ft by 60ft. Huge lobby.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

A chair, a desk. That's it. That's all we got, right? No music playing, Nothing. Quiet as a ghost. Quiet as a mouse in there. And I'm like, okay, all right. This is a vibe, certainly. And there's one, like, pendant light hanging over the chair. And so I go and I use the restroom, which is lovely, you know, okay, restroom, whatever. And then I sit down in this chair, which is one of these newfangled Pottery Barn bullshit chairs. Where you like sitting. It's a piece. It's one piece of leather. It's like a leather strap. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like one leather strap. Slippery, slidey. And then when I sat down, I expected to sit, but then I fell down into the chair. I'm like. I'm like, my butt is literally a couple inches from the ground. And now I'm like, how the fuck am I going to get up out of this chair?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And you have the spotlight on you.

[Brian Green]

And I have the spotlight on me. So I feel like it's dark in there. So you know, there's a vibe going on. And now I am under investigation for being the creep who comes on super bowl Sunday at 7 p. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, oh. So I get there at 6:50 for my 7pm appointment. I sit down and I check the watch and I'm like, okay, 6:52. I guess they'll take me back to the changing area, the locker room, whatever you want to call it. That's what I'm accustomed to in any spa I've ever been to is like, you go into an area, you have a little bit of privacy, you change, maybe you put on a robe. Right? Okay. So in. On occasion, I did have to say this. On occasion, I have changed in the actual massage room. Yes. But not very frequently, right? So I'm sitting in this chair under investigation, and the girl who's on the very opposite end of the lobby is not saying a fucking word. I'm just sitting there, you know, no phone or anything. And I'm just. I mean, no phone because I didn't turn it on. And I'm just sitting there thinking to myself, okay, well, I guess I don't have a lot of time to warm up. I'll just hang out here in my leather strap and somebody's gonna start asking me questions any minute, I guess. 702, 705, 707. These are the times when I'm watching the. And I'm like, and here's, here's. You gotta understand, when I get there, they have a menu on the back, back behind the lady, right? This menu written in leather strap or whatever, you know, burned into a leather strap. I guess that's the vibe. Yeah, Calligraphy, right? And it's like non members pay this, members pay that. And as soon as I see that, I'm like, oh shit, here comes the sales pitch for the membership that I don't need, that I don't want. I've never been here before. I'm not going to buy a membership. I don't know what's going on in here. It could be, you know, fucking jack shack. Not good, not great. Yeah. And then they have all these add ons, you know, hemp, CBD oil special, doggy bow, sunshine, rainbow, yoga, massage. And I'm extra 80 bucks. And I'm like. So she's like, well, thank you. So it's your first time here, you get 30 off your brand new, you know, any of the add ons. And she's like, would you like hot stone? Would you like cbd? Would you like, you know, morning? Would you like the gushy smushies? And I'm like, I massage, like I just want to massage, right? Use a little pressure, make me feel better. How's that? What do we do about that?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Hot stones before, and it wasn't my thing.

[Brian Green]

Well, that's what I go for. Because you did go well after. Because I had like a certain amount of credit, I felt obligated. I was using a gift card too. Yeah, I felt a little obligated because I thought, well, I'm going to have to give a tip. And then like, that's uncomfortable. I mean, no one carries cash anymore. And so I mean it also is 20, 24. I'm sure they can figure out how to ring up a tip without adding. But I had a certain amount of credit to use. And so I, because it was my first time there and I thought, well, I May never be back here, so I might as well use the credit.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

So I ended paying $10 for the hot stone thing. All right. Okay. So now we're at 711 and no one has come to greet me yet. And the lady is just sitting there. And so I'm like, I think the appointment was at 7. Is there like, do I just wait here for, you know, I'm trying to like not be rude about it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right. Move things along.

[Brian Green]

Oh, I'm sure she'll be here in just a minute. I saw her in the back earlier and I'm like, oh, okay. Thanks for the update on where my massage therapist is an hour ago. I need her here now. Is it possible that you check now where she is? Because in according to the schedule, she's supposed to be here with me. Like, I shouldn't be here. I should be there. Yes, that's what I'm thinking.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But I'm like, okay, definitely not sitting in a strap in the lobby.

[Brian Green]

No. I don't even know how many get up out of the strap. Now. I really feel like something's going amiss. I'm under investigation and a leather strap in the lobby because I didn't buy the membership or whatever. I got this whole pitch about the membership. I'm like, I go, hey, listen, I appreciate the membership thing, but sure, let me give it a try a couple times and then if I like it, then, you know, we'll go. I'm fussy. You don't want to get into it with me. Also, I, I should say this. So when she made the appointment, when asked her, made the appointment, she gave her my commercial break email address.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

Which is kind of for me. Like when I do service related things, I don't want to give my commercial break email. Right. Because all it takes is a little bit of googling to figure out who I am and how important I might be. Do you know what I'm saying? It actually might be the first time anybody recognizes anything. But I get a little nervous because if I give a review then I get concerned that someone can easily hear it and they might get upset. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know what I'm talking about. Who cares? So 7:12, my massage therapist decides to appear out of some huge, you know, farmer's door. Sliding glass. Sliding farmer's door decides to appear.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The barn door.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And she's just, she, she comes out. She's right near the desk. She comes out, you know, lovely, I'm sure, lady. And she just stands there like this standing there, she's looking around. And I'm like, she looks like a massage therapist. She got that oil thing on the side. You know, where you would normally carry a gun, she's got an oil holster. So I'm like, oh, good morning. What was that? That's so weird. So I'm thinking to myself, okay, all right. This clearly is my lady, because there's no one else here. Like, is she just standing there, chrissy. A good 60 seconds. No one said anything, really. And then I go, are you looking for Brian? There's anybody else in the lobby, right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

There's no one Right here.

[Brian Green]

Under the light, in the strap, the only chair in the place. There is nobody else parked outside. It's me, Brian.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I can't believe you had to ask her.

[Brian Green]

And then she goes, Mr. Green. And I was like, yes, Brian Green, that's me. And she goes, I'll be taking you for your appointment now. And I was like, oh, thanks. 15 minutes late. I appreciate it. Let's go back now and do that.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I'm ready.

[Brian Green]

Let's go ahead and get that started. Now that we've wasted two minutes staring at each other, let's go ahead. Why not? So now I go through the sliding glass door, or the sliding door and that, you know, big wooden sliding door. Yeah. Barn door. And then I. Thank you. And then I. I walk into what I can only describe as, like, a mud room. Like you. Like a mud room for a house.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, okay.

[Brian Green]

It's got mo. It's got hooks, a big bench. But it's a big bench. It's probably like 20ft long. Big bench, hooks and then towels everywhere. So I think to myself, oh, this must be the changing area. It's a little. There's a lot of room for a lot of people to be changing at the same time, but thank God I'm the only one here. I guess I'll just change right here.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So here I am getting ready to take my belt off. And, like. Because I. Is the changing area. And she's like. She's like, take a seat. She sits down and she taps the bench. And she's like, take a seat. And I'm like, oh, okay. And. And I put my belt back on. I'm like, oh, okay. Sorry. I thought. This is where I get naked.

[Christina (Producer)]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Like, sit down on my lap. So she says, you know, let me get to know you a little bit in your massage history. And I'm thinking to myself, oh, my God, come on. Do we have to do this whole thing? Like my massage history is. I know how to get a massage. Yeah, I lay there, you do it. That's it. How about what else do we need.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

To know about my massage history? Ye the most people need to ask really like are there any special spots that are.

[Brian Green]

That was part of the 12 question interview that I did there. Sitting in the mudroom of this fucking place and you know, are you in these spots? And she's speaking so softly it's like a little bit hard to hear her. And I'm wondering is this like her normal tone of voice or is she trying to start the vibe? Does the vibe start here? Still very open minded I think. Okay, a little bit of a rough start. But now here we are, we're getting into the action.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We're at least on the way.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, we're on our way back to the somewhere where I might be getting mass before they close at 8pm Oh, I forgot to tell you, when she asked about the add ons they had like a, you know, add 30 minutes, right. This much money. And I said oh, can I just add 30 minutes? I, I would do that. And she's like well I would but we close at 8 o' clock so we can't actually do that.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

And so by the time now it's 7:16. And I'm like well Jesus, we now we got 45 of the 50 minutes I'm supposed to get left. So. Right, let's get it. So I'm answering the questions quickly. I'm like yes, no, maybe. So you know, just stay away from my dick and everything's okay. All right, here we go. All right. Ready?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. So can I take my pants off now?

[Brian Green]

Yes. Okay, now can I undress? And so I was like, do I, do I? Is there a robe or something? She goes oh no, no, no, no, no. Back at the room. And I was like, oh, okay, back at the room. I got it. 10, 4. I'm cool. I'm happy, I'm happy with the new place, the new thing. All right, Chrissy. Another huge sliding door. We go through this huge sliding door and now imagine a football field sized room. I'm not even kidding you. Huge.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And this isn't a strip mall. Like did you realize it was this big from the outside?

[Brian Green]

Certainly it was a football field. The building was. But I didn't realize how big the room was going to be. Right, it was huge.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Like your massage room.

[Brian Green]

No, no. Okay, so just imagine one big empty room.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

From one room to another room. Now you've entered another.

[Brian Green]

Now I'VE entered another room that is. The room itself is huge. It's got a hallway in the middle. Then it's got these two beams that just run. I mean, when I say football field, it's probably 50 or 60 yards. Maybe it's not a full football field, but it's huge. It's got these two beams that run the length of the room down the hall with this pretend hallway that they've created. And then there are canvas sheets separating the rooms. Canvas sheets as the doors to the rooms. Canvas sheets that you can see through. Because I can see through the canvas sheets. I can see the lights. I can see the tables. It is.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, that is very definitely weird. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And these rooms don't go to the ceilings. It's. They're literally hanging by these beams. These canvas sheets are separating everything. It's like they've. It's like cubicles for massage.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And so now I'm like, oh, yeah, okay. I don't want. Okay, all right, whatever. I don't want to hear somebody next to me getting massaged, but. Okay, well, I guess I'm. That's what's gonna happen. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I've made it this far.

[Brian Green]

I've already paid. I'm done the credit. I've already gotten a thank you text message from the place, and I haven't even gotten the. The massage yet. That's the other thing. Let's calm down on the text message. Start worrying about the actual experience. Okay. I don't need 12 text messages reminding me of, you know, how many things I can buy from your place. So in this place, there is extraordinarily. In this room, there's extraordinarily loud ocean wave music playing. Ocean wave sounds playing. Right. Not in the. Same exact ocean noises that I use to put my children to sleep. I cannot avoid it. And by. It's everywhere. It's in my house, it's outside Now I've got it at the massage. And there's no, like, hey, can you turn on some, like, gentle, you know, music? You know, some of them.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Green]

You know, some of that Japanese massage music that makes me so happy when I get a massage? I love that. Just play that. I'll fall asleep and you can just massage me. So there are, what, I don't know, 30 rooms on each side. 30 rooms on each side. It's huge. And she takes me to, like, basically the last one. So we gotta walk a mile down there. Now it's like 7:22. Right before she opens up this big canvas sheet. As if I'm in the fucking Lawrence of Arabia or something. It's like, swings over these sheets, and there it is. Massage table, little light basket. There it is. I'm thinking to myself, well, and then I look to each side because canvas sheets are separating us. I look to each side, and I can see the other rooms in each side. I could see right through the canvas. And I'm like, I don't know what. I want to get changed in here. I mean, I'm only going to my underwear, but even that is. No one wants to see that. What if a picture gets out there on the Internet? TCB Host flashes massage parlor. I don't know. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what's going down.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

The only good news is all the paparazzi was in Vegas.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, yeah. And were there even any other customers there?

[Brian Green]

Well, I'll tell you there were. And I'll tell you how I knew this. Okay.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Because you can see him.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. See them. You could hear them. Well, I had my face down, so I couldn't see anything except for the floor. So. So this. By the way, the massage therapist is nice enough, right? She's doing the. She's doing the do. It's. There's nothing. She's not bad. She's not mean. She's just there. You know what I'm saying? She's being nice enough. Yes. You. You don't have any room to complain about what's going on. But there's no, like, I don't know, there's no vibe coming from my massage therapist. I'm just like, okay, here we go. I guess we're gonna do this.

[Christina (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So we get in the room, and she's like, okay, Mr. Green, do you mind if I massage your glutes? And I'm like, oh, sure, yeah, go ahead. You know, massage my glutes. Any glute massage will be over the sheets and only on the side of the glutes. And I was like, well, don't get angry with me. Because I answered, yes. She, like, snapped back, letting me know that I wouldn't be getting a prostate massage. Massage. And I'm like, okay, that's. Don't get mad at me.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, I just answered your question, like, okay, let's get started.

[Brian Green]

Chrissy. It was really. Why don't we. It was really uncomfortable. And I was like, well, we don't have to do the glutes. I mean, you asked, I answered. Why are we all upset now? All right. And I'm Sure. You want to hear the rest of this story? That I'm sure we'll take up a majority of this episode, but we got to break it up into pieces because that's how we pay the bills. We'll be back.

[Christina (Producer)]

Are you lonely? Depressed? Listless? Feeling silly? Call TCB at 212-4333, TCB to get advice on your most difficult life circumstances. That advice will probably be bad, but that's okay. Call today. It's only 79.99 plus shipping and handling for Ask TCB advice services. That's 212-43338. Now that I have your attention, you should know that you can also follow us on Instagram hecommercial break and on TikTokCBpodcast. If you want to request our latest sticker, head to tcbpodcast.com, click contact and select sticker request from the drop down menu. And don't forget, you owe me $79.99 plus shipping and handling.

[Brian Green]

All right, so here we are in this room. Now we've got about to get a glute. About to get a glute massage. Only on the outsides and only over the sheet, Right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Of course, of course.

[Brian Green]

So she says there's a little basket.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Keep it professional.

[Christina (Producer)]

As.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

As is evidenced by the sheets today.

[Brian Green]

Exactly. You're paying $10,000 a month in rent, but you can't afford a room. Walls. That's all I'm asking. Can a guy get some walls? I don't even care about the separators. Okay. If it's like, you know, if you don't have enough to take it all the way up to the 20 foot ceiling. I get that. But can we get like 10ft of wall and then we can just leave the rest open?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, you know, they probably started building it out and they're like, oh, God, rooms are expensive.

[Brian Green]

These walls know we can do, you know. You know we do. I think in my grandma's basement.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, exactly.

[Brian Green]

She's hoarded 30 years worth of canvas from World War II when she was a Betty bootmaker. Whatever they call those ladies that were stitching together the clothing. Yeah, right. Those women who really won the war. We. I've got canvas all over the place. We'll just take some canvas and drop it to the floor.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We'll call it a vibe.

[Brian Green]

It's a vibe.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It'll be unique.

[Brian Green]

Now I'm really mad at the person who's recommended this place because I'm like, what the is going on in here? This ain't a vibe. This is the anti vibe vibe. There's no vibe going on here. I've had vanilla ice cream with more vibe. You know what I'm saying? I'm upset now. I'm angry, and I'm going into the massage heated, and that's not a good thing. So we get to the glute. She's okay, here's a basket for your clothing on the floor. And I'm like, okay. And she goes, disrobe to your level of comfort. And I'm like, well, at this point, you've already alerted me that there will be no touching whatsoever. So my level of comfort. What's your level of comfort? It's really the question. Yeah, I don't want to answer this one wrong.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You tell me what to do here.

[Brian Green]

Are we going over the shirt? Under the shirt? I feel like I'm in third grade. Under the bra, over the bra. How do we do this? It's whatever. Your level of comfort is not about me. I want to touch your boobs, but I don't want to make a wrong move here. It's. I'm young in my little career. I don't want to make a mistake. So. So anyway. So she leaves the sheet. She leaves the sheet.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Not the room.

[Brian Green]

Not the room, the sheets. She leaves the fort, the kids fort we've built. And now she. She's like, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm like, what are you gonna do? Knock on the sheet?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know.

[Brian Green]

I mean, what do you do? Ring a bell? I'm not sure. I don't know. So I disrobe to my underwear because I never go full naked. I've only done that a few times. And I just find that it's a little presumptuous, I think, especially, like, if it's your first time with a massage therapist. Like, we have a massage therapist friend that we know, right? And you know, I know her well enough that I know she's gonna do my glutes and she's not gonna get weird about it. So I'm okay going, you know, full butt. So, okay. So now she says, okay, lay down. So I should. I should share with you that when the massage therapist asks what kind of pressure and what kind of massage or any areas you'd like to focus on, I always say the following. Listen, I love a good full body massage, but if you could spend some time on my back. Back. That's what I really need.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Back and shoulders as me, please. That's what I like.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I like the full rub down.

[Christina (Producer)]

Sure.

[Brian Green]

Right. I like a good rub and tug just like everybody else.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

What if you said I really need to focus on my glute?

[Brian Green]

My glutes, my gl. The inside of my glutes, please.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Inside the sheets?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, over the sheets is fine.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's really sore. Right in between my cheeks.

[Brian Green]

Oh, you know where your butt meets your. In the taintiest area, the gluteus taint. Focus. Yes. My prostate's killing me. That's out of a sick to me. And my balls are on fire. You knock those around for a couple minutes. I don't care. Over the sheets, under the sheets. I'm just happy someone's touching it. Besides my urologist. Go ahead. I gotta give a donation in a couple days. You mind jazzing those bad boys up a little bit? Let's wake them up. So, okay, so I'd like you said.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You said the back.

[Brian Green]

I said the back. Focus on the back. Like you know, give me a, give me a little bright breeze across everything else. But then let's just. Now we have five minutes left of the massage. If you don't mind focusing three of those on my back, I would appreciate it. That's so stupid. When I think about it, I'm like, it's unbelievable. I got a 12 minute massage, I paid for 50. All right, so she says lay down, you know, get undressed. Lay down.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Face, face down. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Okay, so that's what I do. I get undressed down to my underwear. I lay first, face first. There is a sheet on the table. By the way, the sheets were the most comfortable sheets I have ever laid. I do have to say this, I do have to give this place one props. They did not scrimp on the sheets. Cuz the sheets were super comfortable.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's good.

[Brian Green]

But then they had one of these bare skin rugs on top. You know, faux bare skin rugs on top. And then table heater was on. I should mention that in Atlanta it's not particularly cold right now. It's like 67 degrees in the afternoon and probably 55 at night. You know, it's not freezing in this place. It's nice. Ambient temperature 68, 69 degrees. Whatever it is. But the heater on the table is cooking me like an egg.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And you've got a fair skin on top.

[Brian Green]

That's right. Whatever remaining sperm I have in my vasecticles, they're. They're boiling now. Now my balls are hanging off the table because they're so warm. You know, testicles, they go up when it gets cold and down when it gets warm. That's how they regulate temperature, which is an amazing thing, by the way. The body is an amazing thing. My balls are rolling off the table. It's so hot. I'm like, okay, all right, here we go.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Here they are for easy access.

[Brian Green]

Here you go. They're right down by my feet. While you're massaging my feet, get those twiddle twangles hanging down there. Just throw them back up on the table. They'll be fine. You know those ones that hang off the back of the trucks? That's what it looks like. Yeah?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes, Those ones on the trucks.

[Brian Green]

Just toss those back up on the table. Okay. So after a few minutes, she pokes her head in the sheets and she's like, Mr. Green, are you ready? And I'm like, yeah, you can speak up. I can't hear you, please. I don't understand what you're saying a lot because you're very, very quiet. But now I'm going to tell you why. Why I think she was. So I get down, I got, I got, you know, I'm just laying there. And so she's doing this whole dance around the table. She's like, you know, moving the sheet, adjusting the sheet, putting the bearskin rug on the top of my head. I mean, she's like all over the place. She pulls the bearskin rug up to the top of my neck like this. And so all. All that's exposed is the top of my head. And I'm like, what is going on here? What are we doing? I've never had a massage like this, but I'm still a little bit open minded.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

A little bit open minded that when this closing.

[Brian Green]

Yes, it's closing quickly.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It was open.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. You remember the end of Star wars where you had to get those two shots right inside just to blow up the Death Star? That's what I feel like has to be done right now by anybody at this place to make me feel a little bit better about what's going on. And, and so this must take like a full minute and a half. She's just like circling the table, adjusting the sheets. And I'm like, oh my God, why are we wasting much time on the sheet? I'm fine. I'm hot. So I tell her, I go, hey, excuse me, could you, could you turn the table heater down a little bit? She goes, oh, it's uncomfortable. And I go, it's a little bit warm with the sheet and the blanket and then the whole thing. So if we could just, like, turn the table down so at least it's not 99 degrees in here under this sheet, you know, now I'm feeling. I'm hot boxing. And so she says, sure, I'll turn it down a little bit for you. Okay, great. Go back to that later. So now she says, she. Chrissy. She gets right in my ear because I'm looking down at the floor and I can see her shoes. And you know, you're kind of hearing what's going on. You know, you're trying to be spatially aware of what's going on. I'm wondering if, am I going to be touched at any point or is this just it? They just throw a bearskin rug on.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You, dance around the table, hope you.

[Brian Green]

Have a heat stroke and forget about everything? So I can see her feet under the table. And she bends down and she's like, Mr. Green in my ear, Chrissy, right in my ear. And I'm like, this is asmr. What is this? And she's like, we have free lavender scent therapy. Is that okay with you? And I'm like, yes. I speak loudly just to let her know that we can have an adults conversation in the room. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't like when people whisper in. My ears are super sensitive. Sensitive to, like, touch and stuff. And I was like. I just like, yeah, I'm kind of like. I want to push her away. Like, don't. Don't get so close. So she goes, okay, now listen to this. This is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me. And I understand. Safety first. I get it. I get it. Safety first for the masseuse and for me. We all. We all understand, right? We. We've laid the ground rules. There's going to be no touching around any buttocks area. Disrobe to your level of comfort, which means keep your clothes on. And I'm gonna pull the sheet over your head so I don't actually have to look at you. Okay, got it. 10, 4. I understand. I hear what you only hear in a doctor's office.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Gloves.

[Brian Green]

Fucking latex gloves, really? And I am, like, under the table. You should see my face. My mouth is full, open. I'm drooling. Now I'm like, water's coming out of my mouth. Mouth.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Green]

I want to see something.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The gloves before.

[Brian Green]

I don't care if you have herpes of the hand. You stay home that day. I don't care if I have to go a million and a half miles Away from my house to get a massage from a massage therapist who will not use gloves.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I've never had that.

[Brian Green]

The same.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, it's not.

[Brian Green]

Chrissy, I'll say this right now, and it's important that we use protection, but having a massage with gloves on is like having sex with a condom. It's not the same. Yeah, okay. It's. It's. It's what you have to do. And I get it. I understand. Right? You use condoms because you don't want to spread diseases and get people pregnant unintentionally.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But the hands.

[Brian Green]

But the hands and a massage are an important part of the whole deal. I want to feel the human touch. It's like sometimes there's magic energy that comes through those hands. Some people are really good at this. This. And I'd like to. And I don't care who you are. Black, white, big, small, tall, short, whatever. I want to feel some human touch, and I want you to, like, apply that pressure. It feels so weird to be massaged.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I mean, with gloves on.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I mean, it's basically just sliding oil around.

[Brian Green]

There's no sliding of the oil because the. The whatever they put on there, that walnut dust or whatever it is the. That the gymnast use. Yes. Like, they smack their hands and, like, comes flying everywhere. I felt like I was getting massaged with that. Not with oil, with, like, dust. I was like. It was so weird. And the whole time it sounded like I. Like someone was having sex in my ear. Like.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So I'm like, oh, my God, did that lady just put on gloves? And sure as she did, because when she went to do the lavender and, you know, take three deep breaths with a three. A fucking magic number is supposed to make me feel better about this massage. She's waving her hands in front of me like this. You know what I'm saying? With that massage oil. And she's got. Stop. Big. Yes. She's, like, waving it into my face now. I realize most people probably have their eyes closed at this point. Not me. I am fully awake. I am ready.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, usually, too, like, they do, like, something to where you can smell it. Like when you're laying down. Yeah. They put a little something, like a tissue.

[Brian Green]

Like a tissue or a cup or.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

A cloth or something with the oil in it.

[Brian Green]

She just put it in her hands and just waft it at my direction. I didn't even smell it. And I could smell everything. I didn't. I don't even know what was going on. I have no idea. Like, these hands in Front of my face. Wasting another minute and a half of my life. And now I'm down to 11 minutes for the massage. So she folds back the bear skin, but not the sheet, just the bearskin, not the sheet. And I am like Jesus fucking Christ on a cross at this point. Could we please, for the love of all that's holy, get around to the action, please? I am not having this. I am like, I'm really kind of irritated at this point. Of course we need to get on to massaging because that is what I came here to do. Please, Chrissy. I don't know if she was blowing on my back, I don't know if she was using feathers to massage my back, but all of a sudden she's just like, like her fingers, you know, just like wafting my back, but I don't even know if she. On, on. And you know how like most massage therapists, they'll give you some good pressure at the beginning, just like pushing on your back, right? No, no, no, no, no. Isn't pushing. It's like a light cat. It's like a. She's giving me a high five on my back but with no pressure. Like my 5 year old gives me a high five, like, like a golf club, right? All the way down, nowhere near my lower back, nowhere near my butt. All then she goes all the way down to my, to my calves and I'm like, holy mother of all things massage therapy. What did I get myself into now? I'm like, well, one of two things is going to happen. Either this is going to get better. Yeah, this is going to get much worse. One of two things is going to happen. And we've only got 10 minutes now to get this done. So how are we going to break up that 10 minutes is my question. In my mind it must be 7:45 at this point.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Exactly.

[Brian Green]

This is taking a long fucking time to get to any kind of action. I once dated a Mormon. Same thing happened. Same thing. Months and months and months of preparation. All right, so now she comes down to my leg. Chrissy. She. I don't even know the way to describe this particular woman's style of massaging, except to say that I think it was less massaging and more about her sheet folding abilities. Do you know what I'm saying? Right. She kept folding the sheets in weird ways so that she could expose certain parts but leave other parts inexposed. She takes my left leg, leg, she lifts it up in the air and then she folds the sheet underneath my thigh. So now what we've got is imagine.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Like a diaper type.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Yes. Or Catholic schoolgirl uniform where the ruler rule is in full effect. 2 inches from your kneecap and your skirt must be down to there. She literally wraps my leg like a. Like a diaping with only an inch above my kneecap on the back and my foot downwards. So now we've got exactly one of the two and a half feet of my legs exposed.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And that's what she massages with almost no pressure whatsoever. Now I do have to say this. I will give credit where credit is due. Once she got into it then I felt a little bit relaxed. It. There was no pressure to it. It wasn't working out any knots or anything like that.

[Christina (Producer)]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

But ok. I was so wound up at this point that even anything was. I was happy with anything. The expectations at this point are so low. The Death Star is still there. Darth Vader rules the universe. It's over. It's game over. At least I'm going to get a one leg massage out of this. She spent the next 10 minutes on my left leg and then she did the same thing with the right leg. She did the exact same thing. We spend a minute and a half folding the sheet to make sure that she doesn't see anything she doesn't want to see or I don't feel uncomfortable in any kind of way.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You've got your underwear on.

[Brian Green]

I know. And I don't wear a thong. I got boxer briefs. It's okay. You're good. It's covering everything you could be scared of. All my ass hair is covered by.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That amber com gloves so as not to touch. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I don't know whether to feel offended. Like that's my fault she had to wear gloves. Like she, she assessed me at some point. Maybe that's what the light was about. Maybe it's a special light and they put glass.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

In the lobby and they put glasses on. Can see the level of scuzz you have on you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She had to work herself up. Like this light is revealing.

[Brian Green]

God damn. This guy is another old white guy. This is glove. Glove positive. It's a glove positive. I tested him. He's glove positive. So we get to the second leg. Another 10 minutes is spent on basically my knee down to my foot. Right. Okay. All right. We got that part done.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, feels so much better.

[Brian Green]

Oh yeah. That front of my calf. My shin bones feeling so relaxed. I've never had. Listen, you worked all those ankle knots out. I'm telling you what, can we get to somewhere as important can you work your way up? I'm sure this massage is over. I am honestly stressed, because at any moment, I feel like she's gonna go, well, that's our time for today. Exactly.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Thank you so much.

[Brian Green]

Thank you so much. All right, now remember, I added the hot stone massage.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

All right, so after the leg gets done, now we're gonna go after both legs. Now we're like 20 minutes. And now I'm sure it's 8:15 or something. I don't even know. I'm like, I guess we're on free time now. You know, like it used to be when you watch the soccer match, you're just guessing how much free time was left on the end. We think nine minutes. That's extra.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

That's how I felt. They always felt like they're gonna blow the whistle at any moment. So she goes. I can hear her fooling with something, right? And then all of a sudden, she's putting on what I have to imagine. I didn't see it because it was on my back is a water bottle, the kind you get in the hospital, a plastic water bottle with warm water. She puts two of them on my back over the sheet. And I'm like. And so now she bends down. How's that level of comfort for you? Fine. It's fine.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The water bottles feel okay.

[Brian Green]

I know the water bottles feel okay, but I should add that during the leg massage, I felt like the table had gotten warmer, not cooler. I felt like she turned it up, not down. So she's like, how's that level of comfort for you? And I go, fine. Can you. Did you turn the table down? And she goes, I did. Do you want me to turn it down even further? I said, yeah, let's just turn it off at this point, please. And can we get to my back? Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I'm ensconced in furs.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Sheets. Furs, sheets, hot water bottles. My ankles feel great. Now let's get on with it, please. I'm so fussy now. I'm just like, God damn it. So now I've got two hot water bottles from Walmart on the back of my back. She puts a hot towel around my neck. So now I'm burning up. I'm dying. I'm having a heat stroke in here. I'm sweating profusely. And I can hear something, right? And now I hear in a room, probably not next to us, because there was nobody next to us, but I can hear, you know, It's another person getting massaged, you know, at the end when they like wipe the sheets, you know, they wipe the sheets, like wipe off all the bad energy or whatever.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, okay.

[Brian Green]

First of all, I'm thinking, I wish I had that massage because I can, I can hear more pressure than this lady. But I put on me. Then I felt with this lady, I can hear more pressure. So, and then I, I, I can hear like faintly like, you know, our time, our time today is done, you know? Yeah. And I'm like, oh, that's it. It's 8 o'. Clock. O'. Clock. It's 8 o' clock now because that person's finishing up. And I haven't had one finger on my back yet. Not one, not one finger on my back.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Gloved finger.

[Brian Green]

Glove finger. I haven't had one glove on my back yet. We're 20 minutes into my legs. We haven't had one touch of my back. So now, Chrissy, swear to you this, I'm not exaggerating. I exaggerate a lot here on the commercial break. This is not an exaggeration. Now she's going to do my arms. And the amount of, it's like she was doing origami with the sheets. She was wrapping them around my shoulder, under my armpit, over my hand, through my, now my elbow's exposed. That's what's exposed. We got my elbow and my actual hand exposed. And she's like rubbing my arm.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

This is crazy.

[Brian Green]

I am like, where did I come, where do they get these people?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I've never heard so much sheet. Use the sheets.

[Brian Green]

Like, I didn't come for a sheet massage. I can get that in my own bed. I do that every night. Lay down, throw the sheet on me. Feels good. All right, good night. So now I'm getting this weird elbow and hand massage, right? And this goes on for five minutes and then over to the other hand goes on for five minutes. And I'm like, I just can't even believe that we haven't gotten to my back yet. And so I say, can, maybe we can focus on my back. And she, she leans down. I was just getting to that. And I was like, okay, thanks, thanks. Could you focus those gloves on my backpack?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Would you mind, please, Please?

[Brian Green]

So please come back. Somebody touched my back. That's what I wanted to scream in this, you know, sheet fold room. I just wanted to say, please, somebody touch my back. I'm leaving a review. Great massage. If you're not looking for a massage. If you're looking for a touch free massage, you know, like the car washes Looking for a touch free massage. Here it is. Answer to your prayers. Ask for this lady. She'll blow on your back, but with a mask on. Safety first.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So she takes these water bottles off my back, she rolls down the sheets, right. And I'm like, finally I'm going to get.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Here it comes.

[Brian Green]

This is what I came for. This is the big show. This is the super bowl of my massage. I'm ready for it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

If we've, if I've got 10 or 15, she's going to be gracious enough to go 10 or 15 minutes extra. And now I'm thinking to myself she should go 10 or 15 minutes exactly. It was no sooner than 7:20 before I actually started the massage. And 7:30, if you wanted to count the sheet origami she was doing. No, she's building those little birds you get on cruise ships or whatever, you know what I'm saying? They roll the towels up. I don't know what they make, little polar bears. I felt like she was practicing. Okay. So now we. She's brought the sheet down to. I swear the main event is my back. And, and she brings it the, the sheet up probably 2 inches from your tailbone.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

Right. So there's no fear that going to see anything she doesn't want to see. And she tucks the sheet in under my belly, under my legs. So now I'm wrapped like a little ba. Ba. Binky. I got my baba binky on. Yeah. I'm a little baby. I feel like I'm being swaddled like I'm an adult. I can handle it. It's all right. Why don't we just take the sheet up? Because I'm frying on this table. No temperature has deleted from this thing. Or maybe it's just because I've been covered in a bare skin rug when it's 90 degrees outside. I'm not sure I'm know. So this is what happens. She works one side shoulder down to two inches above my, my butt. That maybe lasts a two and a half minutes. She works the next side two and a half minutes. Chrissy, she goes down to my glutes. She presses 1, 2, 3 times on the side of my glute, 1, 2, 3 times on THE other side of the glute. And she rolls the sheet back up and puts the water bottles back on it. And I'm like, you have got to be kidding me. I had 30 minutes of a 50 minute massage and 25 minutes was spent on my legs. What the. Not even on my Legs on my calf. So unbelievable. So now she goes around and. And she turns me around, right? And now flip over. She puts this towel under my neck, making the whole experience very uncomfortable because now I'm like, got my chin in the air, my mouth's wide open. Open like I'm a Neanderthal. What is going on here? Why are you putting this huge tommy on my neck? It's a. We could do a massage. My throat. What's going on here? What are we doing?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I wouldn't be surprised at this point if that's a good throat massage.

[Brian Green]

She starts that whole number where they give you the massage in the back of the head, like right at the base of the skull. But she just puts her hands under there and goes like this, like a come hither, like. And then I go. And then she starts to massage my head a little bit. And I'm like, okay, I could take him a head massage. I would give that in the plus column. But she stops here, like, at the back of my head. She does not even go anywhere close to the top of my head, the forehead or anything. Chrissy, I am not even kidding you. She then puts two hot towels under my shoulders. So now I'm completely uncomfortable. Mouth aghast. I can't even breathe because my neck is, like, stuck in this weird position. And now I've got two hot towels like that. Now I feel like I've clearly. I've been set up.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

They're gonna pop out with Candid Camera.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Someone's got TCB in their crosshairs. And here I am. They. They're taking pictures of me from above. They've got a drone that I can't hear because the ocean noises are too loud. She literally gives me the. The little, you know, hands on the shoulders like this. And then she starts doing the sheet origami again all over my body. And I'm like, oh, my God, this is crazy.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So after a minute and a half of sheet origami, she goes, that's our time. Ok. Okay. I can't breathe. So I grabbed the towel and I pulled it out. I was like, okay, that's enough of that. We're done. This is a fully disappointing experience. I don't care anymore what you think of me. I've been being polite. Of course, I'm always polite. I'm never mean to anybody. You provides a service because I understand that it might be the end of a long day. She might be fussy. She. Her hands might hurt. Like there's, you know, it could Be a million reasons why it wasn't the best massage in the world. Or maybe she's new at it. Or maybe she's not good at it. That's the other option, right? She's just not good. It's okay. It's all right. You know, I ain't mad at her. She's making a living. And I got, you know, 38 minutes of a 50 minute massage because when I got out, it was like 8:12 or something like that. So from the time she took me back to the time that I actually started getting massage, I think I got like. Like a 40, maybe a 40 minute massage.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

But okay, it's eight o'. Clock. Eight.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

None of that. Was she folding.

[Brian Green]

Cheat folding. Most of it was sheet folding. So she says you can get, you know, take your time, get your.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Where were the stones? The.

[Brian Green]

There was no stones. It was like a water bottle. I don't even know why they said it's hot stone massage.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, I know. And did they not like use the stuff she didn't use?

[Brian Green]

No, no, no, no, no, no. There were no stones, only water bottles. They were used twice in a 41 minute massage. They stayed on my back for 10 minutes at a time. So 20 of the 41 minutes I had hot water bottles on my back. A table that is on fire, never. It never lost any temperature, by the way. It only got hotter, in my opinion.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, God.

[Brian Green]

So I was like a little bit uncomfortable. Now I always like to take a shower after I do a massage. Like I don't care. In most places have the them so you can wipe that oil off. I am covered in this lavender oil, like slathered in this lavender, by the way. It didn't feel like it because the gloves, right. It was just like this weird. They were sticking every time she was trying to do something. Kept sticking and sticking. It just felt really uncomfortable. So I'm now covered, slathered in this oil. I gotta get myself dressed. You know, I walk out, you know. You know, most places they have like, you know, like a little glass they give you with some lemon water or whatever, you know, some. Whatever.

[Christina (Producer)]

Something.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. What's that they put in the water? Oregano or I don't know what they put. Mint, lemon, whatever. Mint, lemon water. Mint, lime water. And I'm thinking she's like, I'll have a refreshing glass of water for you when you're done. And I'm like, okay, great. It's one of those Dixie cups that you literally get out of the. When you go to a Doctor's office, and they have the water thing. Yeah. The world's smallest cup. I walk out, and she's got this little cup, and she's like, here's a glass of water for you. I'm like, I think you and I both know that's not a glass.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's a shot.

[Brian Green]

That is a paper Dixie cup. I've had. I give my children more liquid in their Gaga cups, I swear to Christ. What are we doing in here?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Green]

I got to take the walk of shame all the way down this. The sheet hallway.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

And then I. I go up front, and luckily, actually, I think I paid a total of, you know, whatever it was. 20 bucks, 25 bucks with the tip. And I tipped appropriately. I tipped for the effort, you know? Yeah, okay. I kind of swallowed a little bit when I did that tip. But, you know, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because I do know it's difficult. Difficult to be in the service industry in general. And, of course, maybe she's just new at this. Maybe she's just.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The person that recommended this place to you was the one playing the prank.

[Brian Green]

Knowing him. Yes. And it wasn't a prank, Frank. It was just. You're an. So go to this place. Here's a gift card to this place.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He probably got it from somebody else.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. He's like, oh, no, that's exactly it. It's a re. Gift. No, I. No, it was Astor that gave me the gift, so it wasn't. It wasn't him, but he had mentioned that it was a good place to go. Okay. Yeah. You know, I. You might as well give me a gift to card for half eaten Subway Subway sandwiches. That would have been more tasty. I think I would have been more excited at the end of the day. I don't know what to say. It was just one of these things. It was, like, a really weird experience. It was a really weird experience, and I don't know, you know, I. I tried to make the best of it, and it just. You did.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You gave it. You gave it a chance.

[Brian Green]

I gave it every opportunity that it had. At every opportunity, I kept my mind a little bit open.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The only. Only good part were the sheets.

[Brian Green]

That's it. The sheets were so soft. I do have to say that the sheets were so soft. But, of course, maybe it's because I was just slathered in oil. I didn't feel anything.

[Christina (Producer)]

Call me beat me if you want to reach me at 212-4333, TCB if you have any comments, questions, compliments or content ideas. That's 212-433-3822. You can also find us on the [e-mail] which is where all of our audio and video lives. So check it out. And then while you're at it, you can follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok cvpodcast. That's all for now. So let's have a listen to our sponsors and get back to the show. Ah, Brian. Will he ever get the massage he deserves? The world may never know. Now I have one more little massage story for you where really all I need to say about it is this. Undress to your level of comfort. And by that I mean keep your jeans on.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I think we talked about. I mean, I know we've talked about this, but you've never. Have you. Do you get massaged by guys or by girls?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I've had both. Yeah. My. But the person that I regularly use is a woman.

[Brian Green]

Okay, so you prefer women?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, I mean, I prefer whoever's best.

[Brian Green]

Okay, what is the question?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I was compromised in Italy one time.

[Brian Green]

With a. Oh, yeah, but that was a woman, right? No, it was a man. And he was like all up on your boobs, wasn't he? He was giving you a full boob massage. Yeah. Did you not think at the moment, like, holy shit, this is kind of weird?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I did, yeah. But I was like, I'm in Tuscany.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. When in Rome, literally. When literally in Rome, you literally do what the Romans do.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right, right, right.

[Brian Green]

So that's what I thought about my buzcolo massage. I thought, this is definitely getting a little too close for comfort, but maybe this is just the way that it is.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The way it is.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The way they do things.

[Brian Green]

Here we are at this five star hotel and by five star, I mean two star. But in my head it's five star.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Because one star location.

[Brian Green]

I was in a five star location at a two star hotel. That's right. But at this very, you know, well known, long running hotel brand in Rome. And. And maybe that's just the way they do it in Rome.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes, I. That's what I told myself. I was like, Jennifer Aniston gets this.

[Brian Green]

Done all the time. Well, I mean, can you imagine when.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I came downstairs to talk with my sister because she had gotten the same thing, but she had a woman. And I. She goes, well, I can only imagine what you just got because.

[Brian Green]

Did the woman also massage her boobs too?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, but went around and went around, like around.

[Brian Green]

There are pectoral muscles.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It was a. Because I'm really using my pecs in vacation in Italy. You're sore.

[Brian Green]

He's using his dictoral muscles to massage your pectoral muscles.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Is he telling all his friends, like, look at this American woman. Yeah, just let me do this.

[Brian Green]

You wonder, like, you wonder. I don't know. It seems a. But I don't know. I don't know what the customs are either. I'd love to hear from people out there who have traveled to Europe. Europe, more specifically Italy, since this has happened to both Chrissy and I. In Italy, if you had a massage, if that massage went a little sideways, like it got a little too close for comfort. Because I've told the story about the Boscolo massage that I also had a massage in Italy, literally in Rome in this hotel called the Boscolo. And when the. When we were sitting upstairs inside of the spa, quote unquote, waiting for the ladies to show up, we were sitting in this reception area and two women came up out at the exact same time, my wife and I having a massage at the same time. One of them was literally Olga. I mean, Olga, right. An older lady, a babushka, A. A big old lady.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Strong, strong, big. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

That person had been around many blocks, right. She was just. She looked at the kind of woman you'd want to cook soup for you if end of days was coming. You know what I'm saying? Like that kind of woman. And then there was.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Potatoes are involved in that.

[Brian Green]

Yes, that's right. She literally, she looked like she was overweight, but she was just hiding potatoes from the famine. And then there was a 20 something year old Eastern European woman who was gorgeous. If this had been America, clearly we know which person would have gone with which person. Because that's just like an unspoken rule. You don't send the hot girl with the married guy. You give the babushka to the married guy and you let the hot girl do the wife. Right? That's how it goes. Be. I think that's just like, I don't know, it's a little bit of common sense being used there. But in this case, sure, yeah. And so I thought to myself would.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Be anything but just to be.

[Brian Green]

No, just to be sure. Just to be sure that you're not rousing any jealousies or anything like that. This is going to turn into something else. That's right. This is not going to turn into an episode of Real Housewives of Rome. Right. Of Boscolo So. But when they crisscross the room and the young lady started walking toward me, I was like, well, it's my lucky day, I guess. But I was. I love my wife. I'm not gonna do anything. I've never had a massage that's anything but a massage.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

When we got into that room, however, I think we came pretty close to doing something besides massaging. I don't know what you would call it. Massaging my. I guess. But that girl.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

There's a muscle there.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, there's a muscle right on your lower abdomen. Your pubic bone, where the pubic hair starts. I didn't know know, but I found out.

[Christina (Producer)]

I know.

[Brian Green]

Why are you rubbing my lower abdomen? What could possibly be tight down there? And it was a rather touch and go situation, no pun intended, there for just a couple minutes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The only other thing I've had close to anything that was kind of, you know, questionable, perhaps was off Buford Highway.

[Brian Green]

Oh. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Our friend. Our good friend Rachel, before I got married, married, took me to the place, Happy Feet.

[Brian Green]

Did she take you to Happy Feet?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Happy Feet is the only other place where I've had questionable activities with a girl actually asked me directly.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I mean, we were laughing later, and she's like. Rachel was like, I'm pretty sure, like.

[Brian Green]

That you were being approached.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I was like, me too. But we'd had so much wine before, we didn't know. It's close, but I don't.

[Brian Green]

The heart wants what the heart wants. Did. Did someone. Did you get touched inappropriately? Yeah, like in the butt.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Very close in.

[Brian Green]

Under the crotch.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It was very. Yeah, all of that.

[Brian Green]

He just kind of went like this. Like, gave you a little. Not.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No penetration of anything, of course, but, yeah, like, all up in there.

[Brian Green]

But he was touching your grundle sack. He was under your grundle. He was funneling your grundling. Well, that's funny, because the same company, but different location. Rachel and I went to one time. We get the Happy Feet done. Like, it's a foot massage place.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Foot. Foot massage.

[Brian Green]

But then they ask you if you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Want a massage, and you say, yes.

[Brian Green]

Of course you do. Now you're all in the mood. You're like, yeah, why not go up to my dick, I guess. Sure, why not? But it was the first massage. Well, not the first massage I've ever had, but it was one of the first massages I have ever had. This, we're talking, like, this is a long time ago. 15, 16, 17 years ago. I had one massage when I Was married to my ex wife. And now this is like massage number two. But I decided to go for it because I'm like, it's right across the street. I've had a rather pleasant experience. Experience her massaging my feet. Right. It was an older lady. And we get back into the room, and I don't know the first thing to do because this is the first time I've ever had a massage. So I really don't know. So I take my shirt off, and I have my jeans on. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And you left your jeans.

[Brian Green]

I left my jeans on because I thought, she's gonna give me a back massage. Why do I need to take anything else off? I'm such a newbie. So I get in, and she's like, no, take out Gina. And I'm like, no. And she goes, no, take pants off. Take pants off. And I'm like, yeah. Oh, okay. I guess. Right? So. But she stands there in the room. Yeah. Went on Buford highway. Went on Morris Mill. There was Moore's Mills. People do. So I. So she's standing there, right in the room. So I kind of take my off. I'm wearing boxers at the time. And then. Yeah. And then I go to jump back on the table, and she's like, no, no, no, no, no.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Take it all off.

[Brian Green]

She pulled it off. Oh, she pulled my pants off. She pulled my underwear down. It was unbelievable. And I just thought, that's the way it goes. Right? But then she just got a little close on some stuff. And then I think she was trying to ask me if I wanted extra. She was like, you want extra? You want extra? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. No extra. I didn't think about it at the time, but then when I left and a couple weeks later, I was telling this story to a friend, and he was like, she was asking if you wanted a happy ending. Yeah. And I was like, what the is a happy ending? She's like, well, she would have whacked you off. And I'm like, I don't know. Whack me off. That girl wouldn't have whacked me off. No. She was like, 80. Who cares? Yeah. Who really cares?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I'm gonna go home and do my own epm.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you go. Close your eyes. Calgon, take me away. You know what I'm saying, Calgon, take me away. Happy feet, take me away. I wake up, and she's whacking me off with her foot. That was the best foot job ever had.

[Christina (Producer)]

Well, on that foot job note, that is all I have for you today, but stay tuned this week because I have many more unhinged episodes like this to share with you while Brian gets his throat slit, as he so likes to say. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, Brian is getting his parathyroid removed and he keeps referring to it as getting his throat slit, which I personally find hilarious. Anyway, if you'd like to get in touch with us, you can call us and leave us a voicemail or just text us if you're shy at 212-4333 TCB. That is 212-433-3822. Also, if you wouldn't mind, give us a sympathy follow on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok if you can bear it, TCB podcast. And as always, you can go to our website website tcbpodcast.com because that is where all of our audio and video lives, including old wild episodes like this, just waiting for you to find them. Okay, wish Brian a speedy recovery so we can get back to our regularly scheduled program and I can shut up. Bye.

[Brian Green]

Sam.