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The Commercial Break
Big Corporate Baby Oil
01:10:52
Bryan & Krissy discuss strange foods, a live baby octopus, Bryan went bold, meat talk, the cartoon pizza man’s pizza, Jamie Foxx was poisoned by Diddy, a terrible trailer, Bryan issues his apologies, chapped lips, Bryan’s Accutane journey, the inner child, bad tanning habits, and skin cancer.
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- [00:01]
Brian Green
This episode is sponsored in part by Live Nation. Alright, you're a fan of the commercial break, so I know you're a fan of comedy. And good news for you, some of the best comedians in the world are touring right now. In my humble opinion, the best way to see comedy is to see it live. It's that energy in the room, it's the infectious laughter, it's the sense that someone is doing a high wire act right in front of your face and at any moment the train can come off the tracks and that is always just as entertaining as when your favorite comedian sets the room on fire. Nasser and I have become big fans of watching live comedy. Never once have we walked out of a comedy show regretting the $300 we're about to pay the teenage babysitter to obsessively text her boyfriend and doomscroll on Instagram. Never once. Let me punch up a few of the comedians I know are on tour right now. There's the ever lovely Sarah Silverman, hilarious Brian Reegan, Chelsea Handler, who I kind of have a crush on, Sarah Milliken, Kevin Hart, the always funny Atsuko Okatsuka, and literal man of the hour Sebastian Maniscalco. If that guy doesn't give you a tickle, you just don't own a funny bum. There are all kind of live shows, there are all kind of venues, and there are all flavors of comedy. So head over to livenation.comcomedy to get your tickets today. That's livenation.comcomedy. times are tough. The entire world's stressed out. You deserve it. Go see some live comedy. Livenation.com comedy and thanks to Live Nation for being a sponsor of another kind of comedy show. Commercial break this episode is sponsored in part by Klarna. Well, Halloween is over and you know what that means. It's time to gorge yourself on candy and start searching for that perfect gift to give those you care about or yourself. And in this household, that means buying gifts for the 12 to 18 children we've got running around. And while the season is festive and we always love giving gifts, paying attention to our finances always gets a little bit more attention this time of year. Astrid and I have used Klarna as our everyday smarter spending partner. Klarna allows you to split a purchase up into four interest free payments. So choose Klarna at your favorite retailers or shop now@klarna.com Klarna really has helped us be a little bit smarter about our shopping for the holiday seasons. So head over to Klarna.com to see their offerings and make Klarna your smarter spending partner for the holiday season. California resident loans made or arranged pursuant to a California Finance Law License, NMLS number 1353190. Klarna balancing account required. Klarna may get a commission. Limitations, terms and conditions do apply. Hey, Chrissy, best to you.
- [02:32]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Best to you, Brian.
- [02:33]
Brian Green
Best to you. Out there in the podcast universe, it's the holiday season and a lot of times podcasts like ourselves will take off, but not us, Chrissy. We have bills to pay and miles to feed. So we are going to be producing brand new episodes of the commercial break this entire holiday season. And I thought it was important to let our audience know. Jingle, jingle all the way Jingle jangle your dingle dangles. Stick with the commercial break and stay tuned for the 12 days of TCB. Our first ever 12 days of TCB.
- [02:57]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
That's right.
- [02:57]
Brian Green
December 13th through Christmas Day. Brand new episodes every day. I feel pretty, you know, awful inside, but I'm enjoying myself because I have got some new friends and it's pretty strict. But I think I'll be all right on this episode of the commercial break.
- [03:24]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Well, it all does go back to P. Diddy.
- [03:26]
Brian Green
It all comes back to P. Diddy. It all comes back of baby oil. This is a conspiracy by Big Oil Baby Oil. Big corporate baby oil. Big Corporate baby oil wants us to believe that P. Diddy was the reason baby oil was sold out during the pandemic. But no, no, don't you believe it for a second. Big baby oil knows different. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co host of this show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chrissy.
- [04:11]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Best to you, Brian.
- [04:12]
Brian Green
You're the shrimp paste on my mango. What else can I say? There you go. Chrissy and I doing hard research here.
- [04:19]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
We learned of a new delicacy.
- [04:20]
Brian Green
Yes, we learned a new delicacy. Shrimp paste and mango. Mango. Mango. Mango. Which sounds like it tastes like puke in my mouth. That's what it sounds like. But hey, who am I to judge? There are different cultures and different foods for everybody. What's this? I think we've asked this before, but what is the strangest food you think you've ever put in your mouth?
- [04:39]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Yeah, I don't know. I can't remember. I mean, I've eaten, like, probably it would be maybe related to the sushi world.
- [04:48]
Brian Green
Yeah. But I can't Remember, for me, it's got to be live baby octopus or beef heart. One of the two.
- [04:53]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
I haven't had either one of those.
- [04:54]
Brian Green
Yeah. Oh, the whole, like. Yeah. I went to a beautiful restaurant and on Berkeley, near Berkeley in San Francisco. We were just kind of traveling around the campus, like, area over there in that retail district, going in and out of record stores. I mean, they do have some really fantastic places. Little out of the way places there. And we went down some alleyway, down some stairs, and don't ask me how we got there, but then there was, like, a door that we opened, and then there was. We were all of a sudden in this dark, damp basement, and there was, like, a paper door that we, like, slid open one of those, like, real Japanese doors. And there was a restaurant no bigger than this room. And I'm not even kidding. There was, like, 12, 13, maybe 15 seats in there. I know two top tables, like, four of them, and then, like, bar chairs around. And they had a window, but it went nowhere. It's just like a window to a brick wall. And it looked authentically Japanese because it was authentically Japanese. So Japanese that no one there spoke English, at least not to us, they didn't.
- [06:00]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Right.
- [06:01]
Brian Green
And the menu is in Japanese. And I don't even sure that they had a. Like, I'm not even sure the health department had ever visited. But, I mean, it looked clean enough. It looked wonderful. And so at the time, you know, I was up for a challenge. I said, all right, let's eat here. The lady that I was with, the young lady that I was with, loved sushi. That was her thing. And so I was like, okay, let's. Let's do an authentic experience. So we get this menu. It's all in Japanese. I have no fucking clue. And there's some pictures, but it doesn't. None of it looks like stuff I would eat. Right. And so I asked the waiter in English, because I know no Japanese. Give us what the chef would give us. Get the. Give us the chef's.
- [06:37]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Chef's tasting.
- [06:38]
Brian Green
And eventually, after, like, some hand gestures and drawing pictures with a pencil, I.
- [06:44]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Think he figured out food in mouth.
- [06:45]
Brian Green
Yeah, food in mouth, chef. You know, chop, chop, chop, chop. Yeah, Dumb American need. Worst food you have for most price. So he got it. He was like, ah, sucker born. Every day, here they come. And the first course comes out fine. Whatever. It's some kind of, I think, calamari, quite squid, something not cooked, but okay. All right. You know, you put some. There's a little sauce with it ate it. A little spicy, a little sweet. I liked it. Very good. Next one comes out, it is a plate with ice on it. And then there are like. I don't know how to describe it. You know how sometimes if you eat escargot, you'll get it in those like, like a plate with little bowls in them. Like little tiny little bowls.
- [07:29]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
I've seen escargot but I have not eaten escargot.
- [07:32]
Brian Green
Oh, that's another pleasantry that I could skip altogether. Escargot, not my favorite. So in there were. And it was like the ice was like there was some dry ice. It was like, you know that kind of smoke coming out from it. And he put it down and in there was what looked like a baby octopus, right? Little tiny octopi. And I was like, oh, okay, all right. I like a little octopi. I don't mind that. That's good, right? It didn't look cooked, but okay, whatever. Surely they're not going to give me anything that's going to kill me. Surely. And then as I went to go grab the chopsticks, as I picked one up, I realized that the tentacles were wiggling.
- [08:12]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
They were swimming. It was swimming. Was it in water?
- [08:14]
Brian Green
No, no, no, no.
- [08:15]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
It was just sitting.
- [08:16]
Brian Green
Yes. They were so chilled that they were like sleeping. Right. They were like in that state of oh shit, my body just shut down. Because of course it's a cold blooded animal so it just kind of just went to sleep I guess. I don't know, Chrissy, because all I know is now I'm in it. Now I'm there. Now the girl I'm with is challenging. Like now it's a challenge. And she was a challenge altogether, right? Right.
- [08:38]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Yes, she was. And you love a good challenge.
- [08:40]
Brian Green
I do love a good challenge. I wasn't going to back down from this. Listen, I'm not the most manly man in the world but when someone puts me to a test, I don't know, I don't. I very rarely turn down something really idiotic like I'm just going to go ahead and do it.
- [08:52]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Ye, yeah.
- [08:52]
Brian Green
And as I'm putting it in my mouth, it is coming back to life. It is like, oh God. And I was like, oh shit, this is live baby octopus. And I put it in my mouth and it squiggled around and I could feel it and I swallowed it. I just, I didn't take any bites. I swallowed it and I could feel it squiggling in the back of my throat. Absolutely terrible. There Was nothing. Like, I don't remember a taste to it, but I remember all of the texture. She did not. Bitch. I was like, oh, my God.
- [09:21]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Come on.
- [09:22]
Brian Green
You gotta be kidding me. So there were, I think, five of them in this little thing, and we just left four of them sitting there. And eventually, they really started to squiggle around. And I was like. And then. So the waiter came back, and I was like, those are alive. Like, those are not cooked alive. And he was just like, you know, he, like, bowed to me like I had done something great. And, you know, hey, listen. But then I. As the night wore out. As the night went on, I noticed that we weren't the only one who got this dish, and there were other people who were eating it also. And I thought, wow. Wow, that's. That's brave. That is the freshest kind of sushi you can get, is the kind that's still alive. And it was not pleasant. Not pleasant at all. And I don't remember the rest of the meal being particularly pleasant either. What I do remember is, like, the $280bill I got in the end. I mean, it was expensive, of course. Yeah. Because when you have a restaurant with 10 seats, you're gonna have to charge everybody $2,000 in order to make it work. When you have even a ba. A room in a basement in Berkeley, you're gonna. It's gonna be expensive.
- [10:21]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Yes.
- [10:22]
Brian Green
And. Wow. That. So that's for sure is at the top of my list. And then one time we went to a restaurant here, Cooks and Soldiers, which I love very much.
- [10:31]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
I love cook restaurant.
- [10:33]
Brian Green
We had to. I didn't know. But when I worked at Chili's, there was a waiter that I worked with there, and I considered him kind of a. Kind of a nud Nick. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, not the smartest, sharpest tool in the shed, but he was nice enough. I. He just always seemed to need help doing something. Like, rolling silverware was a challenge. You know what I'm saying? How do you roll this silverware again? You know, you'd be like, really, dude? It's. It's 50 cent silverware that you could bend with two fingers rolled in a piece of tissue paper. I mean, how hard can this be, right? And he. It just was always. Everything was a challenge. Where do we get the ramekins? They're sitting right in front of you. How do you put ice cream on a thing? And this one. For, like, years, he didn't know how to do anything. But then all of A sudden, he's like the general manager at this, really. And not all of a sudden, but like 10 years later, he's this general manager at this really nice restau. And I was pleasantly surprised. I thought you failed up. You did. You found out where the ramekins go. Congratulations. You know, where the ramekins go. It's all great. But, you know, I think that. I think he knew that. I felt like he was a little bit of a dumbass, like, back then, and so. But he treated us so wonderfully when we showed up to this restaurant. He was like, oh, my God, it's been years. What are you doing? Oh, here's my new wife. You know, this. Everyone's very pleasant to each other. I thought, please don't talk about the cocaine margaritas. Please don't talk about the cocaine margaritas.
- [12:03]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Bringing it up.
- [12:03]
Brian Green
Please don't bring up anything that ever happened. Then. This is my new. This is. I had known Astrid for all that long at the time, I think we were together for about a year, year and a half. And he said, let me. Let me do it. You guys order the entrees. Rest. Let me take care of it. Okie dokie, smokey pokey. First thing that comes out is some kind of carpaccio. Delicious, beautiful, lovely. Second thing that comes out is octopus, right? But actually cooked this time, right? So lovely. Polpo. Polpo. Traditional Spanish way, with a little paprika, salt, pepper, boiled. Lovely. And then the third thing that comes out, he says, I'm not going to tell you what this is. I just want you to try it first. You're going to love it. And Astrid smartly stayed away from it. And me and Rafa were there, and we were like, oh, okay. It looked like a steak. Like, it looked like a piece of. Not like steak. Like, maybe like a. Like a liver, like a pate or something like that. And I thought to myself, this is foie gra. This is foie gra. This is what this is. And so we started eating it. It had a distinct flavor of blood. Like.
- [13:06]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Oh, I can imagine.
- [13:07]
Brian Green
Yeah. Like when you cut yourself, your finger, and you lick it. You know, it's like that irony. You can even smell it, right? That you can smell that iron. And in the first bite that I took, I was like, oh, that tastes like I'm just drinking my own blood. That's. That's gross. And no shit. Like, I don't know. Ten minutes later, he comes back, by the way, Rafa's gobbling it up. He's like, this is delicious. I love this. This is fantastic. And I'm like, of course. Of course. You lived in Costa Rica. You were literally picking stuff off the ground and eating it at one point, honestly, Rafa claimed he was growing jalapenos in Costa Rica one time. And he's like. He's like, you love jalapeno. I love jalapenos. And he brought something that didn't look like a jalapeno back to the house. He was, like, chopping it, and I tasted it, and for, like, a week, I shat fire. It was not a jalapeno. It was something else, but it wasn't a jalapeno. Anyway, Rafa's gobbling it up. I'm trying to be polite, because now this guy has given us something, and he's being so nice, Right? No.
- [14:06]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
You feel obligated.
- [14:07]
Brian Green
I feel. Of course I do. So I'm just kind of pushing it around my mouth, trying to swallow, trying not to. Like, it's not the worst flavor in the world, but it's certainly not something I'm enjoying. And then he comes back whenever. And the waiter was being coy with us, too. What do you think? And we're like, oh, yeah, it's great. What is it? And he's. I don't know. You guys. Take a guess. And we're guessing all this. I'm like, it's foie gua. No, it's not foie gra. It's pat. It's not pate. It's goose. No, it's not. That's okay. All right. I'm like. I don't know. I'm. I'm at a loss. It's. It's some kind of liver. I'm sure of that.
- [14:37]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
That's what it is.
- [14:38]
Brian Green
It's beef heart. And I was. And I know this is like, a delicacy for some people, like, really like beef heart, but not for me. That was not for me. Bulls, Testicles. I've had those. The Rocky Mountain oysters. Those are.
- [14:51]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
You've gone bold in your life.
- [14:53]
Brian Green
I have. I don't now. I stick to, like, you know, cream and cereal. Because I've had my moments in the sun. I've decided I will share that Rocky Mountain oysters were not as good as some people claim, but not as bad as you would think it is. Kind of somewhere in the middle, and they're fried. Like, it's anything that's fried. All. Everything that's fried is kind of the same taste. It tastes like Fried food is what it tastes like. What's the best bite of food you've ever had?
- [15:23]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Oh, God. I mean, probably there's been some sushi and maybe like a steak, you know?
- [15:30]
Brian Green
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [15:30]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
A really, really good steak. Yes, Rathbun's has a good steak.
- [15:34]
Brian Green
Rathbun's does have a good steak.
- [15:35]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Yeah. I don't know. You know, I love a good mashed potato too.
- [15:40]
Brian Green
Oh, well, there you go. That's bold. Your favorite bite of food is a mashed potato.
- [15:45]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
A creamy, buttery, salty mashed potato.
- [15:48]
Brian Green
Yeah, that's really good.
- [15:49]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
I can think of all kinds of really good, good foods.
- [15:52]
Brian Green
I think.
- [15:52]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
I think it would hard to be narrowed, narrowed down. The best I've ever.
- [15:55]
Brian Green
It's really hard. Yeah. Because I also think it has to do with the moment that you're in the place that you're at, the company that you're keeping, the smells in the restaurant that maybe even the tunes in the background. Like it all has to do with, I think the. There's two. One is a steak I had in. Not in Valencia, but a steak that I had in the. In the northern region of Spain. I can't remember the town that I was in specifically now, but. And they are known like Portugal, northern Spain, they are known for their steak, for their beef and. And the way that they age it and how they use every bit of the cow and how their cuts are perfect. And, you know, that's what they do. And for eons, they've been doing it the same way. So we go to this town to go see Astrid's grandfather. Her grandfather has a best friend that lives down the street. So this best friend comes. Astrid, me, Astrid's father. Astrid's pregnant with Matthias at the time, with our child. And so here, whatever it is, the seven of us are. And Astrid's, she calls him an uncle, but it's not really an uncle. This best friend, right, is of Astrid's grandfather is so excited to take me to this restaurant to get this steak.
- [17:19]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
So nice.
- [17:20]
Brian Green
We drive a little bit outside of town. We go to this restaurant. It is a beautiful restaurant in this old building. It's rather large, kind of cavernous, well lit. It's the afternoon, there's not a lot of people there. They put us at this big round table every, you know, they come to take the order and the. Astrid, I'm going to call it, say uncle, right? Says in Spanish, I got this, right? I got this. Let me order for you. And he's like, you want a Steak. And I'm like, I want a steak. Give me a steak. He orders this steak, and Chrissy, the food, the. The piece of meat, it's a cow. A cow shows up to the table. It's huge, kills itself, and then puts it on my plate. It is the biggest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. It is bigger than a tomahawk. It is the biggest steak I have ever seen. I'm not a big eater. Like, I can eat when I'm super hungry, like anybody. I can eat a large amount of food. I do not. I cannot eat five pounds of meat in a city.
- [18:19]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Nor should you.
- [18:19]
Brian Green
This thing is huge, and it is absolutely spectacular. It is delicious. Now, I only took, like, six bites of it because there's only so much food that you can eat in one sitting. I only took six bites of it. And then, of course, I try to pay the check, but no one will allow me to do that because I just ordered a six. Someone just ordered a 600 steak for me. And, like, now I feel bad I only took three bites of it. But, I mean, what did they want me to do, right? I don't know. I can't. I'm just a boy. I'm just a boy with a small appetite, eating live octopus in a strange place in a basement in Berkeley. But I think that if that's not my favorite bite of food, my favorite bite of food would have been Polpo octopus. Done the traditional Spanish way in the. In a market in Madrid in their very famous square. Like, they, you know, they have a lot of squares there. There's squares everywhere. This square and that square, Guadalupe Square. And yes, there's squares. And that's, you know, it's a great place to be festive and have a party and, you know, stare at your neighbor. I don't know. It's something like that. And there's this huge Madrid food market there, and it's this big building. It feels open air, but it's not. But this huge building, and there's a market inside. It's always crowded. There's packed with people. We've been there a. And they have all these food vendors all around, and in the middle of it, and then you go and you pick your food, and if you can find a seat, great. And if you can't, you just eat while you're standing there talking to people. And we got. From one of these vendors, we got octopus, which is not out of the ordinary there. You can get that almost anywhere. We got this octopus sure. Sliced up. Yeah. Near the sea. Madrid's not near the sea, but Spain is known for their seafood. Right. And sprinkled on some. A little bit of spices, little lemon.
- [20:10]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Little salt and pepper.
- [20:11]
Brian Green
Lemon. Little salt and pepper. Chrissy. It was the most delicious piece of food I've ever had, but not necessarily because the octopus was good, because the company, the atmosphere, the smells, the sights, the sounds. It was like a perfect moment in heaven. You know what I'm saying?
- [20:28]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
I do.
- [20:28]
Brian Green
Then we had children. I know.
- [20:31]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
As you were telling me.
- [20:32]
Brian Green
And I never had a moment again.
- [20:33]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
As you were talking about that, I thought about all the food I had in Italy, and basically, that is all of the best food. Food that you can imagine. I mean, the food there is just incredible. It's so fresh, so delicious. Homemade. I mean, the pastas, the sauces, the. All the stuff. It's so good.
- [20:50]
Brian Green
When you're talking about this, it reminds me of the time that Astrid and I were in Venice. Same trip, you know, baby moon, whatever you call it. Baby moon. Before our first child, we went to Venice, and we spent. I don't know, I was thinking four or five days in Venice. And it was cold. It was like in February. Freezing cold there. But that was good because that meant there were a lot less people and. Yeah, a lot less tourists. Tourists. And we kind of got the town to ourselves. And one of the nights, Astro and I are just dumping around, walking back to the hotel, and we're both hungry, and we. Pat. We've passed by this pizza place four or five times that the sign literally has, like, one of those pizza guys. You know what I'm talking about? The guy with the pizza in his hand. Yeah. And his hat's flying off. You know, like a caricature of. A caricature of the pizza man. Right. The roly poly with an apron on. You know, it's a drawing. And I was like, that's not a Italian. That's not. This is some crap. This is their version of Domino's.
- [21:44]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Yeah.
- [21:44]
Brian Green
But every time we pass, the place is packed. Packed, Right. And so it's the last restaurant kind of before we get toward the hotel. And so I. So Astro and I look at each other. We're like, let's give it a shot. A piece of. Piece of Domino's Pizza before we go to bed. This was anything but Domino's Pizza. This was one of the best. This was the best pizza I have ever had in my entire life. Wife from the cartoon pizza man. I got. I got the best pizza I ever had in Italy. From the cartoon Pizza man. It was unbelievable. It was so good. So good.
- [22:17]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
God, the food there is just so good.
- [22:19]
Brian Green
You can't deny that it went. The food in Europe is just so much better. I mean, listen, there are lots of great places to eat in the United States. I've been to a lot of them, definitely. And I'm not saying that every place you go to in Europe is so much better than the United States. It's not. But there are. You can go. There are restaurants on every corner. Most of them are mom and pop restaurants. They've been family. And that's the difference here. It's a TGI Fridays on every goddamn corner. Not anymore. They went bankrupt or Cheesecake Factory or everything is homogenized and it all tastes the same. And you know, you don't have that. You don't have that same mom and pop kind of the family gives a. Someone's back there cooking because they care. They love it. It's their livelihood. You just don't have a lot of. You don't have as much of that here in the United States. And that's what I love about Europe.
- [23:09]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
I feel like there's beginning to be a resurgence, though, that, you know, especially downtown where I am, there's a lot of just, you know, one place, one off places. Yeah. You know.
- [23:20]
Brian Green
Yeah.
- [23:20]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Family places, two friends. Start something.
- [23:23]
Brian Green
Yeah. I feel like every. Because of the American dream, everybody wants to be rich and famous. That you open up a restaurant, it might start off as the love of food, but then you have to open up 12 more and you have to like, you have to stamp it and make it the next McDonald's or make it the next whatever. And I don't know. I wish. I love that about America because it really can come true. You can, like, your. All your dreams can come true. You can be rich and famous. And all it takes is a little hard work and maybe some luck and a little bit of smarts and financial backing from Elon Musk. But. But then, you know, if you can do that, then that is the true American dream. But what sometimes sucks about the American dream is that because everybody wants to be rich and famous.
- [24:10]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
More. Bigger. Faster.
- [24:12]
Brian Green
More Bigger. Faster. Run fast. Break things. Is that we don't ever. And not we don't ever, but we get a lot less of the individuality. Because when you're trying so hard to be that, like that. That stereotype. Yeah. You're trying to be everybody to every. Everything to everybody. You're nothing to nobody. And that is the challenge. And that is why live octopus, and I'm not even kidding about this, that's why live octopus in a basement in Berkeley, that's why people are standing outside in line to get into that place is because there's some originality to it. There's some dude back there who just decided that this 300 foot, what you know, office space turned into a beautiful Japanese replication restaurant is going to be my baby and I'm going to take it to the moon. And this is all I need right now. I say that it's probably the guy who started, you know, Benihana owns it. There's probably 12 of them in Berkeley. At Berkeley. It's like a sushi chain.
- [25:14]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Probably.
- [25:15]
Brian Green
What do I know? Anyway, do what you love. Make it your passion. Look at us.
- [25:20]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Life's too short to eat bad food.
- [25:22]
Brian Green
Yeah, that's right. Hey, listen, that's. There's. You are so fucking right about that. And look at us. You don't see us trying to stamp out franchises of the commercial, right? You know, there's some of these podcasters. All of a sudden, they want to build a network of other podcasters who sound just like them. Fine, be a millionaire. Go ahead, make a living.
- [25:43]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Pay for your kids.
- [25:44]
Brian Green
Be good at what you do and have people like you. And Instagram accounts more than 5,000 people. But I'll tell you what. But it's fine. The water's warm down here in the shallow end. That's where I'm staying.
- [25:55]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
That's right.
- [25:57]
Brian Green
We'll be back.
- [26:01]
Unknown
In case you guys were wondering, I am currently trapped in the closet in the studio being forced to record liner after liner and I never get to leave. So help me by following us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at tcbpodcast and go to our website, tcbpodcast.com for more information about Brian and Chrissy and access to our massive catalog of video and audio episodes. Now, please text us at 212-4333, TCB. And tell Brian and Chrissy to let me out of the closet.
- [26:33]
Brian Green
This episode is sponsored by Pre Alcohol from Zbiotics. I am not one to imbibe a whole bunch anymore. I've got 13 to 15 children, checklists to get done and jobs to do. But even with moderation, I don't bounce back like I used to from a night of drinking. I find myself having to make that choice. Can I have a great night or a great, responsible day tomorrow? A tough choice to make indeed. That is, until I found Pre Alcohol Zbiotics Pre Alcohol Probiotic Drink is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. It was invented by a PhD scientist to tackle rough mornings after drinking. And here's how it works. When you drink, alcohol gets converted into a toxic byproduct in your gut. It's this byproduct, not dehydration, that's to blame for that rough next day. Pre alcohol produces an enzyme to break down this byproduct. And just as long as you remember to take pre alcohol as your first drink of the night, then drink responsibly, you'll feel your best tomorrow. We've now been out for a few nights of drinking where pre alcohol is the first thing that I drink. Let me tell you when I can get up in the morning, take care of my 12 to 13 children, still record an episode of the commercial break and make it to bedtime with a little bit of energy left in the tank to watch bad television. I know that pre alcohol has done its job and with the holiday season upon us, I know I'm going to be consuming just a little bit more alcohol than usual. But with pre alcohol I can stay on track and not let the holiday season throw me off course. Go to ZBiotics.com commercial to learn more and get 15% off your first order when you use the code COMMERCIAL at checkout. ZBiotics is backed by a 100% money back guarantee, so if you're unsatisfied for any reason, they'll refund your money, no questions asked. Remember to head to ZBiotics.com commercial and use the code COMMERCIAL at checkout for 15% off. Thank you to ZBiotics for being a sponsor of the commercial break and for making my mornings after drinking just a little bit easier. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Okay, the year is early 2000 and something and I got my first real office job at a company that was selling websites and search engine optimization. We came up with this pitch that the website was the business card of the Future and now 20 something years later is not the business card for your business, it's just your business. And that's why I highly recommend Squarespace. It's an all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to succeed online. You don't have to be a programmer or a coder or a designer to develop your presence online. Just as unique as you and your business are three really important reasons why I believe Squarespace is the leader in this industry. Design Intelligence. They combine two decades of industry leading, design and expertise with cutting edge AI technology to Unlock your strongest creative potential. Number two, Squarespace payments. This is the part that befuddles a lot of people who go out and try and build their own website. Onboarding is fast and simple, and you can take payments from some of the most popular payment methods. Klarna, Ach, Apple Pay, afterpay, clearpay. If you're going to put your business online, people have to be able to pay you online. And number three, but no less important, SEO tools. If you want to be noticed, you have to be found. And with Squarespace's integrated SEO tools, every Squarespace website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto generated sitemap, and more. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're Ready to launch squarespace.com commercial to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Again, squarespace.com commercial to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain using that code code Commercial. Thanks, Squarespace for being a sponsor of the commercial break. Okay, a couple pop culture things that I want to talk about now. We're recording a little bit ahead of time right now. Like, not. We're like, we're the most timely podcast in the world anyway.
- [30:21]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
No, we're not.
- [30:21]
Brian Green
But we're recording a little bit ahead of time because we have, you know, we got 12 days of TCB coming up and we have to. And we also would like to spend some time with our family or without our family, which is fine with me.
- [30:32]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
In the studio.
- [30:33]
Brian Green
In the studio. Here we are. Yeah, I don't ask her to. Woke up this morning, she's like, I thought you were going to take some time off. And I'm like, yeah, Thanksgiving Day, you're all mine, babe. Don't worry about it. So, couple things. So I just heard through the grapevine, and I'm having a hard time seeing this in mainstream media, but apparently Jamie Foxx was here in Atlanta at the Fox Theater back in October. Or early November. Was early November.
- [31:01]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Oh, I thought you were gonna talk about him doing karaoke with the Housewives of Atlanta down in Miami.
- [31:05]
Brian Green
Oh, no, I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit about that. Okay. Jamie Foxx was down in doing karaoke with it. We could do that one, too. Sure, why not? And you know, was. Was our friend part of it?
- [31:17]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Yes, our friend was part of it.
- [31:18]
Brian Green
You're kidding me.
- [31:19]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
No, no, no, no, no. Not our friend. No, the other.
- [31:22]
Brian Green
The. The Simon Goadia.
- [31:24]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Well, the girl. He's Divorcing Portia. Yeah, yeah, she was part of it.
- [31:27]
Brian Green
Oh, we'll talk about that in a second too, because that. This is Simon. This is Simon. And for those of you who have listened to the commercial break for a very long time, you'll know that we have some intertwing with some people in the Real Housewives of Atlanta. I'll explain in a minute. So what I really wanted to share was Jamie Fox is here in Atlanta doing a string of, I guess, standup comedy shows, kind of like entertainment shows, four nights in a row, you know, Jamie Fox, about a year and a half ago, he was here in Atlanta filming some kind of movie with Cameron Diaz. And he fell very ill very quickly and he was rushed to the hospital. Hospital. And for many weeks, no one heard anything from the Jamie Foxx camp. I was worried he was alive, he was gonna be alive, everything was gonna be okay. But no one said exactly what happened. And a bunch of people speculated that he had a stroke on set. This upset Cameron Diaz so badly that she reportedly told friends, this is all hearsay, by the way, don't take anything here on the commercial break as actual fact facts. Cameron Diaz reportedly told friends, I'm done with acting. This is it. This is the last movie that I'm doing and I'm walking off into the sunset. Now, whether or not this was a year ago or year and some change ago. So whether or not that remains true, I don't know. But at the time, I remember reading that Cameron Diaz was so freaked out and freaked out that she decided no mas. Jamie Foxx's camp stays really tight lipped about whatever it is that happened on that particular day.
- [32:57]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
We still don't know, right?
- [32:58]
Brian Green
For sure. No one's ever said exactly what happened. But he did say, I came extremely close to death. And by the grace of his words, God and the help of the people in the medical facility and my friends and family, I'm here today. Took me a long time to get back on the horse, but here I am. So about a some couple weeks ago, maybe a month ago and some change here in Atlanta does this string of shows like four nights at the Fox and some people online after they went to the that taping, I guess there's, I guess it was a taping for something from Netflix. Maybe after they get done, some people popped online and started saying that Jamie Foxx reportedly said that P. Diddy poisoned him and that is why he almost died.
- [33:43]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
What?
- [33:43]
Brian Green
And yes, and some people claim that he was not joking. While the. In general, this was like kind of a comedy show, that this part of the show was not comedy, that he was being serious, that he. That he said on stage and claimed that he was poisoned by P. Diddy. That's why he almost died. And that was no joke. And no one seems to understand what he's talking about, how P. Diddy got to Atlanta and tried to poison him. Don't know how P. Diddy was on set or someone on behalf of P. Did City tried to poison him. Don't know.
- [34:21]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
I mean, at this point, I'm not putting anything past the guy.
- [34:24]
Brian Green
I'm not putting anything past it. And I'm not saying it happened. I'm not saying it. Not it didn't happen. But I thought it was interesting enough to talk about because then. So I read this, I read this maybe a couple of weeks ago, then our friend Paul Scheer put out a video sharing the same information. And Paul, when Paul Shear said it, I thought, okay, I think I want to talk about it, too. I didn't want to talk about it a couple weeks ago. Not that we have the kind of reach or not notoriety of Paul Scheer, but I didn't want to talk about it because it seemed like pure speculation to me. But now that people are talking about, I want to jump on the bandwagon, get some clicks. You know what I'm talking about, Christy? Yes. I think this is a very interesting turn of events, and it starts to make. It starts to make some sense why Jamie Fox and his entire team never said a word. If Jamie Foxx had a stroke, I think people would just say, Jamie Foxx had a stroke and then he came back and now he's better.
- [35:24]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
I mean, it is very strange that they have very strange firm that. Because then that could be. That could help other, like, people that have a stroke.
- [35:32]
Brian Green
Yes.
- [35:32]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
You know, he could be an advocate for stroke survivors.
- [35:35]
Brian Green
But let me tell you what the strangest part about this whole story is. You ready for this? Jamie Foxx at this same live event, claimed that the reason why the FBI got hot to P. Diddy was because Jamie Foxx notified the FBI of his misgivings.
- [35:57]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Really?
- [35:57]
Brian Green
So Jamie Foxx is claiming that he was the one who called the FBI. He was the one who notified them about all the. He was the one who also notified them he had been poison. He cracked it wide open, and that's why P. Diddy went down. Jamie Foxx and P. Diddy have been seen filmed, you know, lots of places like P. Diddy and Jamie Foxx have Been a lot of places together. They've been filmed and photographed and recorded so many places together. It would by all accounts would appear that they were friendly with each other. Right. But maybe not. Maybe something else was going on. And this all reportedly might stem. Might night stem from a time that P. Diddy allowed Jamie Foxx for some kind of documentary movie, something to record one of his parties. And Jamie Foxx had cameras inside, really, of one of these parties. Now, some people say that Jamie Foxx was only allowed to record to a certain time, and then he had to shut the cameras down when the freak off started or whatever the. Is going on in that place. And some other people claim that maybe Jamie has footage that P. Diddy or the knowledge that P. Diddy didn't want out there. And so when things started getting hot and heavy for P. Diddy. Poison time it's poison time let's just go poison our enemy. It's poison time and I'm not talking about unskinny bop, you know. You know what I'm saying? My best friend because got the tapes unskilled.
- [37:31]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Yeah, that's wild.
- [37:32]
Brian Green
She's my cherry pie Eat a poison.
- [37:37]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
That's not poison.
- [37:38]
Brian Green
Oh, that's not poison. Who is that? Oh, that's Warrant. That's Warren. That's a different. That's a different band. Okay, all right, whatever.
- [37:43]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
But anyways, I. I get the picture.
- [37:45]
Brian Green
Yeah, you get the picture. This is absolute insanity as far as I'm concerned. Like P. Diddy. If true. If true.
- [37:52]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Well, I mean, there was the whole thing with the Molotov cocktail that he, like, pitched onto somebody's car and blew somebody's car up. I mean, yes, all kinds of nefari.
- [38:01]
Brian Green
Threatening to kill people like, you know, call, you know, having obvious abuse.
- [38:06]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
The obvious abuse and mental abuse and. Yeah, I mean, I'm not putting anything past the guy.
- [38:11]
Brian Green
Listen, I've said this before. I am not a conspiracy theorist. I tend to think that the thing that makes most sense is probably true. Not always, but, you know, true. 9, 11. I don't think thousands and thousands of people could cover up, you know, one incident. I just don't think that. Right. Because it doesn't make much sense to me. You can't have one person keep a secret for very long, let alone thousands of people that would have to be involved in this. So I'm just giving you an example. So when people say that there's some crazy sex ring running around, you know, Hollywood and la la la la la and, you know, deals with the devil and all this other. It, it, at least until recently, seemed not far fetched. I believe that there are lots of bad deeds going on in Hollywood that are covered up by wealth and fame. I have no doubt about that. I've, I've been hip to that for a long time. Sure, since Kennedy and Elvis and Marilyn Monroe. This has been going on for a long time. But I didn't think it was like so, so crazy. And Diddy is now confirming that it is so crazy. It is crazy when you're poisoning other famous people because you're afraid they're going to turn on you or what. The information that you have. And you know all these people that are just like, who's. Why is no one saying anything? Where are the other famous people that were at these parties saying something? And now there are lawyers trying to pay people to not mention other names. There are private.
- [39:40]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
I've been seeing all that.
- [39:41]
Brian Green
I know private investigators are showing up to content creators houses asking questions, saying that they can pay them to shut up or influence them.
- [39:49]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
It's a web.
- [39:50]
Brian Green
It's a web.
- [39:51]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
It's a big web.
- [39:52]
Brian Green
And I think, I think I'm seeing what's started to happen here is that P. Diddy has money, wealth and fame and he is starting to use that money, wealth and fame to throw a smokescreen out there, Right? He's trying to get everybody all twisted up and mangle the facts and, you know, get to people before they say anything or get them to say something else or pay them to say something else so that when the time comes for him to go on trial, it's so confusing. And it's so he said, she said, and there's so much out there and people have been threatened and paid and all the stuff that there's a likelihood that the jury doesn't want anything to do with it. And they just say, not me, Hung jury or not guilty, because I don't want anything to do with it. This happens a lot with people that are rich and famous. That's why there's two different systems of law in this country. One for us and one for the people who have power and wealth. So this is becoming insane to me. And if true, P. Diddy tried to poison Jamie Fox. Is that not the craziest thing that you've ever heard?
- [40:52]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Nuts. I mean, to the point of almost death.
- [40:54]
Brian Green
Yes. And now it's making sense why Cameron Diaz got freaked out, right? Because Cameron Diaz and Jamie Foxx are apparently very friendly with each other. And she may have been one of the few People that knew what was going on. Now it makes sense why Jamie Foxx team or Jamie Foxx never said anything about what exactly happened. Now it makes sense why this whole, like. Like, all of a sudden, the FBI got hip to this and really went after Diddy Hardcore. I mean, there was that lawsuit. Yes, but the FBI probably was onto him before that.
- [41:24]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
They had to have been. I mean, after all the years.
- [41:27]
Brian Green
I know. And all of this for a terrible movie that Cameron Diaz, Jamie Foxx, it bombed like, big time bomb.
- [41:37]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
What was the movie?
- [41:38]
Brian Green
Oh, I can't even remember the name of it, but I saw the trailer and I was like, that looks like the most uninteresting movie movie I've seen. I mean, listen, props to both of them. They're great. It's a great actor and a great actor. Yeah, they're getting together. Jamie Foxx and Cameron Diaz movie is called. Oh, it was on Netflix. Parents. Back in Action is what it's called. Back In.
- [42:05]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
That didn't even pop up on my Netflix. Like, we recommend this for you.
- [42:10]
Brian Green
Well. Oh, maybe it's not even come out yet. Well, this is November 19th, I think is. I. Well, let's put it this way. You haven't heard much about it, right? It's not one of those.
- [42:23]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
It's not one of those movies.
- [42:24]
Brian Green
Yeah, what movie? Oh, it's not coming out till January 25th. 25th. Okay, rewind the tape a little bit. Brian's wrong. Yeah, I did see the trailer. No one said anything about it. Because it's six months. Critics have said nothing ever. It's a cone of silence about anything having to do with this movie. This is why we desperately need a producer in here to help us. Fact check, man. I swear to God. I'm sorry. It didn't come out till January. It doesn't come out till January. It's called Back in Action. Maybe it's great. I saw the trailer for it. Didn't look great, but okay, whatever. I don't know. Who knows? Maybe I should actually watch the movie before I make a determination about whether or it's good or not.
- [43:13]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Yeah.
- [43:14]
Brian Green
Here's Brian, the trailer critic. Ah, the trailer was terrible. It must have already come out.
- [43:23]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
The trailer was terrible.
- [43:25]
Brian Green
Well, another Hot Topic segment ruined by Brian's complete inaccuracy. Complete disregard for any facts or research whatsoever. Maybe I should have started with, what was the movie they were filming when he got poisoned? Where did that go? How's that doing? Oh, my God. Oh, Brian. Oh. You know, if I was another podcaster, I'D cut this part out, but guess what? I've got too many episodes to do. So you get and I'll get. We're all gonna get. My face hurts. I'm laughing so hard. Sorry, Jamie. I'm sure the movie's great. Cameron, my apologies. Like they're listening.
- [44:16]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Well, it all does go back to P. Diddy.
- [44:19]
Brian Green
It all comes back to P. Diddy. It all comes back to Baby Oil. This is a conspiracy by Big Oil Baby Oil. Big Corporate Baby Oil. Big Corporate Baby Oil wants us to believe that P. Diddy was the reason Baby Oil was sold out during the pandemic. But no, don't you believe it for a second. Big Baby Oil knows different.
- [44:52]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Big Oil.
- [44:53]
Brian Green
Yes. Big Oil. Big Baby Oil. P. Diddy is gonna be. P. Diddy's gonna be found dead in a jail cell because of Big Baby Oil. That's what the truth is. Oh, my God. Cameron Diaz, Jamie Fox, P. Diddy. They're all covering up for Big Baby Oil. I see you. Johnson and Johnson. You gotta manipulate your price. After women stop using it for suntan lotion, your stock went in the shitter. Well, guess what? We know. We know.
- [45:31]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
That's right.
- [45:32]
Brian Green
It was actually Johnson and Johnson that tried to poison Jamie Foxx. Big Baby Oil. Oh, okay. Maybe that's a good place to take a break so I can research the story I'm about to talk about before I talk about it.
- [45:48]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Okay.
- [45:50]
Brian Green
Wow, I've had Anaga my face a lot on this show, but that was a big one. That was a big one. Back in action. Coming on Netflix, January 17th, 2025. Check it out. I'm gonna give him a plug now that I just ripped him a new for no good reason except for I can't be bothered to read. All right, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Netflix.
- [46:18]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Oops.
- [46:19]
Brian Green
Whoopsie.
- [46:23]
Unknown
In case you guys were wondering, I am currently trapped in the closet in the studio being forced to record liner after liner, and I never get to leave. So help me by following us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok, TCBpodcast and go to our website, tcbpodcast.com for more information about Brian and Chrissy and access to our massive catalog of video and audio episodes. Now, Please text us at 212-4333, TCB and tell Brian and Chrissy to let me out of the closet.
- [46:55]
Brian Green
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Whether you love true crime or comedy, celebrity interviews or news, you call the shots on what's in your podcast queue. And guess what? Now you can call them on your auto insurance too. With the Name youe Price Tool from Progressive, it works just the way it sounds. You tell Progressive how much you want to pay for car insurance and they'll show you coverage options that fit your budget. Get your quote today@progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive, Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates price and coverage match limited by state law. This episode of the commercial break is sponsored by Ring. The holidays are almost here and between traveling, hosting family and finding the perfect gift, it's such an exciting, busy and yes, sometimes stressful time. Ring helps you stay connected to the home for all the merry moments. Even when you're on the go with Ring, you've got the whole home covered. Their video doorbells alert you when gifts arrive and you can even chat with the delivery people to let them know where to leave the packages. The indoor cam. It's a game changer. So easy to set up. You can use it to check in on your pets when you're away. And with two way talk, you can even talk to them. Plus, if you want some privacy, you can just flip the manual cover to turn off the camera and microphone. Wherever the holidays take you, Ring makes sure that you're always home for the holidays. So head to Ring.com to find the latest deals on Ring, video doorbells, cams and alarm kits. Ring makes the perfect gift for everyone on your list. And thanks to Ring for being a sponsor of the commercial break. All right, here we are. Chrissy doing her makeup.
- [48:32]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Well, my lips are insanely chat.
- [48:34]
Brian Green
I know my some of my kids have that too. It's terrible. My face is chat.
- [48:39]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
I can't get it better. I can't get them better. I've tried every kind of Vaseline. Oh yeah, I've tried all regular lotion like Cetaphil. Yes, I've tried regular lotion because you.
- [48:49]
Brian Green
Know what I found?
- [48:50]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
And then it just doesn't.
- [48:51]
Brian Green
If anybody had. I know you have this and this is terrible. I, I dated a girl one time when I was in high school who had like the permanent chap lips and lips like crawled like half an inch down below her face.
- [49:04]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
I do that right now.
- [49:05]
Brian Green
Oh yeah, you do. You poor thing. Have you anybody out there have a good like and we're not talking about a little bit of dry lips. We're talking about like super chapped lips. The kind where your lips start to extend beyond their normal range because it's so red and irritated. If anybody has a good idea about that Help. Chrissy.
- [49:24]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
This does happen, like, a lot of times when I go to Colorado, if it's in the winter, then they get really tired, too, because it's dry.
- [49:31]
Brian Green
It's dry.
- [49:32]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
And so with the heat now, because it, like, all of a sudden went from 70 to 20.
- [49:36]
Brian Green
Yeah.
- [49:37]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Here's Atlanta. And of course, the heat's kicking on now. There's the dry heat. So I even got a humidifier with that in the room. I just have had that going for a day.
- [49:47]
Brian Green
So we give that some time to work. Yeah, I put a humidifier on summer, winter. Because, you know, air conditioning can be dry, too. Right. So either which way, it's like you go on an airplane, you got that air conditioning blowing on you. It's just like. Like your throat is dry, your skin is dry, your body is dry. You feel like you're dehydrated. So I've had that air. I've had that humidifier kicking for, like, three years. Every night, it's a pain in the ass, but I fill it up, I turn it on low, and I let it go. And it has helped some of my children and myself with dry skin. I get dry skin around my belt line.
- [50:16]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Okay.
- [50:17]
Brian Green
Like, on my hip. And it's weird because, you know, I don't norm. That could have something to do with the calc. So much calcium in my body, too, for such a long time. But some of my kids have that. That chap lips. And this girl that I dated, it was so terrible. It looked painful kissing her. Like, you could feel how dry her lips were, you know, and that didn't matter to me. Whatever, you know, it's just. It. It is what it is. But what I've found sometimes helps. One of my children, specifically, who has really dry lips is I'll put Vaseline on during the day or Burt's Bees or whatever, but then at night, I just put regular lotion, like the cetaphil that I use on their skin.
- [50:56]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Yeah, that's what I use.
- [50:58]
Brian Green
I just put it on the lip. Okay.
- [51:00]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Occasionally, I'll try that combo.
- [51:02]
Brian Green
Yes, try that combo. Like. And here's the thing I think about Chap. Chap lips in general is, is that once you start using some of those moisturizers on your lips, your body starts to depend on it. So it's like you.
- [51:13]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
I'm a chapstick person anyways, no matter what. So, yeah, this is.
- [51:18]
Brian Green
Poor thing. But all right. Any dermatologist.
- [51:21]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
That's the worst thing.
- [51:22]
Brian Green
Yeah, I know. That's the worst thing that you got. That's, you know, it's not, that's not bad. I got chapped face. I'll tell you what. So not only do I have like, I've. I've been putting this cream on my face, right. And then apparent. I think maybe I also got shingles on there too, which is something sometimes that can happen. Yes. Which is terribly painful. Hurts very bad. And it's like now I have all these like pock marks on my face now it's going away a little bit, but it's going to take a little while for it to recover from. I think that 1, 2 combo that has been going on. And I'll, I'll tell you what, I feel like I'm a teenager again. When I was a teenager, I had cystic acne.
- [52:06]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Yeah.
- [52:06]
Brian Green
Cystic acne is not like, you know, it's also the annoying little zits that are all over the place in clusters and all that other stuff. But then it's cyst like acne really in round. Yeah. Big zits that are. You look like Rudolph the red nosed Reindeer if you get one on your face. And that was happening to me when I was a teenager. And I'm telling you what, you want to hide your face in a shirt or something? And I think that may have been where maybe I started feeling like I needed to be funny. Tan. Tan. Well, that's it too. That's it. So I'll tell you the story. So I started to feel like maybe I needed to use something besides my good looks to impress people because I wasn't that good looking with this cystic acne all over my face. I would start to be funny. Like I would. It was a defense mechanism essentially, I think. And then that went on. So like two years into this. So now I'm like 14, 15 years old. I've been dealing with this for three, maybe four years. I. I started getting hair on my legs when I was like 10, right. So I went through puberty pretty early. It's all that, all those antibiotics in the milk, steroids and the meat. So I go. So we. My mom drags me to dermatologist. I've tried everything. I've tried Retin A. I've tried clear cel. I've tried oral medication to dry out my skin, all this other stuff. New product on the market called Accur. Accutane. Now Accutane. I don't even think they give it out.
- [53:36]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
I don't think they do either. Jeff was on it too.
- [53:38]
Brian Green
Oh, he was.
- [53:38]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
When he was younger. And it damages your liver.
- [53:41]
Brian Green
I think it damages your liver, it can damage your kidneys. But the worst part about it is it can make you suicidal. Oh, it's known to induce suicidal ideation. It. With your brain too. It's a terrible, terrible drug. But at the time it was considered.
- [53:56]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Like, the thing I remember a lot of people were getting on that.
- [53:59]
Brian Green
Yes. So my doctor put, put my dermatologist said you got a pretty bad case of acne. I mean, you got it on your face, on your chest, on your back. Like, let's get you on this Accutane, you know, you got to take, I think it was first 30 or 60 days, something like that, and you take it. And I took it religiously. Now, let me tell you, it did fuck with my brain. It. It sent me into some weird tailspin. And now that I look back on it now, knowing what I know, I realized that I wasn't going crazy. I was just taking a weird drug, right? But that period of my life, like that 90 days or whatever that I was taking it, or around the time when I was taking it, I was in some weird, like, emotional tailspin for sure. Now also going on at my house too. So it was hard to tell, you know, what was going on.
- [54:41]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
So you were young like that? Yes, like 13, 14.
- [54:45]
Brian Green
I was 15 when I started taking it. My first girlfriend. Dramatic drama kicking. I love you. You. I would die for you. I die for you. Robin Hood had just come out, you know. Okay, so I take this drug and. And it's. Your face just starts peeling at some point, repeatedly, never ending. Peeling, peeling, peeling. It's drying out your skin. That's what it does. It like stops the oil production in your. In your body. Body. And I think that's what it does. That's how it was described to me. So it goes. So my doctor explains to me that, hey, listen, so I gotta. I gotta like, do this checkup like once every three weeks. I gotta go in there, you know, and he's like, okay, it's working. And now the peeling part starts comes. It. It didn't end it. This went on for like two and a half straight months. My. I was just peeling all the time. And it was really weird and gross and, you know, I hated it and I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to throw myself into the McDonald's fry basket. I did. I was like, this is terrible. Terrible. And my skin was so red. No.
- [55:52]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
At that time of your life again, you're so awkward. You're so worried about appearances and what other people Think it was horrible.
- [55:58]
Brian Green
And luckily I had some good friends around me that were like, you know, didn't seem to care though. I, I noticed they didn't want to eat around me. But hey, well, you know, hey, listen, what are you gonna do? But man, did it work. And it worked like a charm. I mean, after like six months, which is, you know what the, like the whole course, the whole duration. After six months, I don't think I ever had another cystic acne breakout again. But my doctor explained to me, hey.
- [56:24]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Listen, dude, if you could make it past the suicide.
- [56:27]
Brian Green
If you could make it past suicide.
- [56:28]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Yeah, and crazy peeling.
- [56:30]
Brian Green
That's right, you're good. If you can make it past the un. Alive part, you're going to be great. Right? But no one knew this at the time because it was a brand new drug on the market. And so there hadn't been a lot of. There hadn't. It hadn't been out long enough for anybody to know. And I'm telling you what, work like a charm. It was six months of huge fucking roller coaster and really dark, deep, weird thoughts. But again, you're a teenager too, so those are coming anyway, right?
- [56:54]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Right.
- [56:54]
Brian Green
It's just amplified by this weird drug that you're taking. And then. So we get. Toward the end of the course now it's. And he said, listen, we have no idea how long this is going to work, but it for, but it's likely not to last for the rest of your life. So, you know, it's not a bad idea just to keep your, you know, keep a little sun on your face, keep it dry, you know, wash it frequently. All that other stuff, the stuff that dermatologists were saying at the time about Accutane and the thoughts that they had around acne, which is dry out your skin, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So that's part of the reason it kind of got me hooked on sun. Yeah, on sun. I love sun. Now I'm all about sun and I think it's helping my skin, yada, yada, yada. So. But I'll tell you what, when you have this like kind of one, two combo of putting this fluorosaurus on your face and then also possibly shingles, it's so painful and it's so red. This feels like the worst sunburn I have ever had in my entire life. It's so painful and I want to hide my face.
- [57:55]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
It doesn't look bad.
- [57:56]
Brian Green
I know it doesn't look bad now, but I tell you what, over the weekend it was angry And I stopped taking this, by the way. Like, I don't know, six days ago, five days ago, when I think I had shingles pop up around there. I was like, oh, okay, okay, that's enough. Yeah. So we're out over the weekend, and Astrid, lovely, lovely wife of mine that I just love and adore so much, and she is just such a champ in my corner all the time. But, you know, you got to bullshit your partner sometimes, right? You just have to bullshit your partner sometimes. So I'm like, you know, we're getting ready Saturday, whatever. And I'm, like, looking at myself in the mirror, and I'm like, oh, my God, this is terrible. I hated it so much that I put a mask on before I went to Starbucks. I had, like, one of those masks on. So we're getting ready to go to the social function, and I say, oh, babe, this just. No, babe, it looks fine. Honestly, you put your glasses on, it looks fine. Now I know she's singing me a song. She's trying to calm me down a little bit, right? It looks fine. You're fine. Doesn't look all that bad. Blah, blah, blah. And I go, babe, I think everybody notices this. It's, like, so bad. It's terrible. She goes, don't worry. No one's going to notice. It just looks like a little bit of redness on your cheek. Don't worry about it. I'm like, I heard. So bad. She goes, don't worry about it. No one's going to notice. So we walk in to this birthday party at this Chucky Cheese.
- [59:11]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Oh, God.
- [59:11]
Brian Green
Which I thought was going to be terrible. Not the birthday party itself, but, like, being at Chuck E. Cheese for two hours with the kids screaming and yelling and asking for more money. But it wasn't. It was actually a fun. We had a fun. Everybody had a fun time. It was a great party. So I walk in, bunch of people that I know. Everybody. Everybody within three seconds of talking to me. What happened to your face? I was in a fight with Mike Tyson. What do you want? What do you want from me? And every time I look over at Astrid, and Astrid's like. She's like, it doesn't look that bad. So, okay, so then Sunday morning, we got more social functions to go to, and we're gonna go to my mom's, right? My mom's gonna have lunch for the Thanksgiving because she's got to stay in the place. She's. She. She can't get up the stairs here. So right now. So I'm like, Honey, it looks bad again. It just looks so bad. I wish it would calm down and blah, blah, blah. No, it looks better. You look fine. It looks better today. You're fine. Everything's going to be great. No one's going to notice. Don't worry about it. We walk in to the. This private room that my mom got it, like the facility to like, have a little party. And we walk in and what's the first fucking thing? My mother. What happened to your face? I don't even answer. I'm like. And Astrid's like, oh, he. It's a thing. Don't. Don't mention it, Vicki, just calm down.
- [60:33]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Don't mention it. It's a thing.
- [60:37]
Brian Green
So now there's this, like, second party that we gotta go to and we're driving home from my mom's and I'm like, I told you, babe, it looks bad, it feels bad. It's like, it's just so bad. And she's like, okay, all right, you know what?
- [60:49]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
You know what?
- [60:50]
Brian Green
I'm gonna give you a. I'm gonna give you a break break here. You don't have to go to the second thing, okay? We can just like, go ahead, stay home. I'll take the kids and go home. And I'm like, honestly, I would not normally be like, go, okay, I'm gonna bail on this, right? I. With you have all these kids with you. Like, you need to. But I said, honey, I'll give bath times. I'll give you an orgasm. I'll. I'll give bedtime. It's all me. As long as you take these kids this thing. Because if one more person stares at face and ask me what's wrong, I'm going to go back into full blown 15 year old psychosis, right? Which is what I feel like. It's weird. You know, therapists say that's your inner child. It's all your experiences. It's your inner child speaking. I, you know, I believe it. I. I've always believed it. But if my inner child came roaring back, I felt so weird. I was just like, God damn, I feel like I'm 15 again. People just staring at my face and Nasser's like, I should remember this next time you want to go to the tanning bed, I'm like, don't even get started with me. Don't. Don't start with me, woman.
- [62:03]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
No more tanning beds, though. No more tanning beds.
- [62:06]
Brian Green
Well, listen, look, you.
- [62:08]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
The stuff that you were just putting on your face was for sun.
- [62:11]
Brian Green
Sun damage.
- [62:12]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Yes.
- [62:13]
Brian Green
Yeah, I know, now I got a fresh start.
- [62:17]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Oh, my God.
- [62:20]
Brian Green
That's where my brain goes. I got a fresh start. I don't know if I'll do be doing. Well, listen, I don't know if I'll be doing sun tanning anymore, but I.
- [62:31]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Will go all in on the spray tan. Go all in on a spray tan.
- [62:37]
Brian Green
I know, but it's just not the same. I don't want to be like Donald Trump walking around with two raccoon eyes and half my face sprayed, but the other half not like. And two, I have a bald head. So if I'm in a spray tan, we got to go all the way like you. I can't. And it's. I got a little bit of hair on top. Do you know what I'm saying? Because if someone spray tans me because I've done this before, I've done the spray tan. Someone spray tans me, there's going to be these lines around my hair. And what. How do I handle that? I'm going to look like an idiot.
- [63:05]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
There's plenty of things on the market, too, that you could try at home.
- [63:10]
Brian Green
You gave me something. Yeah. And then this girl at this tanning bed, you know, I did spray tan for a while and it did. It didn't look terrible. It looked okay. But then this girl at the tanning bed sold me on the 700. You know, whatever. Yeah. I mean, I swear to God, I have more lotions in there from that tanning plate. I swear to God, that tanning place gets me every time. She's like, you have $370 worth of tan pan credits and you want to use them for this? And I'm like, no, no, no. Why? They're gonna expire. And I'm like, okay. She's like, you can get 12 bottles of lotion with a $300. And I'm like, okay, tax and tax and service fee is $500. I was like, wait, I had. I have $600 and now I'm spending 500. How did that happen? And then she gets me with this self tanner, and I'm like, listen, I don't know how much longer I want to be doing the real. So you have like a tanner that, you know, I don't know what you call it. Whatever, you know, I'll use this. It's great. And I use it. And I literally turn commercial break orange the next day. I'm like, walking around like some other stuff. I'm going to give you neon sign.
- [64:09]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
I'm going to give you Some stuff. You can just try it on a little patch of your skin.
- [64:12]
Brian Green
Yes.
- [64:13]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Before you go full face, try it.
- [64:14]
Brian Green
On my penis first. See if I can get a little darker a little longer.
- [64:20]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [64:21]
Brian Green
Well, listen, here's the moral of the story, kids. The moral of the story is don't take Accutane. That's the moral.
- [64:29]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
That's right.
- [64:29]
Brian Green
Yeah, yeah. Oh, Jeff took it, too. And he. Yeah, he's got good skin now, too. Does he like the sun?
- [64:36]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
No. No, he's not a big sun tanner.
- [64:39]
Brian Green
Oh, well, I guess.
- [64:40]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
I mean, doesn't hate it, but the.
- [64:42]
Brian Green
Tale of Two Cities.
- [64:44]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Well, he actually did have a little skin cancer on his face one time, so now he always slathers up the sunscreen.
- [64:49]
Brian Green
Oh, he does. Like the serious kind of skin cancer.
- [64:52]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
No, I mean, it wasn't serious, but he had it removed and it was fine. But since then, he's very adamant about putting sunscreen on.
- [64:59]
Brian Green
Yeah, like, I'm adamant about the self checking all the time because I have freckles, too. I'm Irish. So you got. I got to be really careful because appear to be a freckle, may not be a freckle. Right. And so, yeah, we both go for.
- [65:12]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Full body scans once a year.
- [65:14]
Brian Green
So do I, once a year. And the doctor always says, looks great. Everything. Nothing to be concerned about, Right? Nothing to be concerned about. And I had this part. This little patch on my face, and one day I woke up and it was red, and I was like, oh, that's weird. Like, I don't remember hitting myself. And he said, well, it could be this, like, keososis or whatever. Whatever you call it. The. Like, the. It's. It's not cancerous. It's like, pre cancerous, but it's not a dangerous kind. It just makes rough patches. And he's like, or it could be this other kind that, like, you know, is a little bit more upsetting, but we could just cut it out. And he's like, so what you got to do is, let's do that fluorosaurus. So let's see how it reacts. Right. And so I think it's not the dangerous kind, but the point is, is, like, check your body all the time. Definitely do that. And then Astrid and I, you know, we've got these. He gave us this card, and it's like, this is what to look for. Right? And so you can do. You can do the self checks or you can do the partner checks. Check your partner and check all over. He. He looks under my scrotal I mean, that's how. That's how detailed he gets. Full.
- [66:14]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
It's full body.
- [66:15]
Brian Green
Does your dermatologist go Vulva, like, check.
- [66:18]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Okay, just checking.
- [66:19]
Brian Green
Well, then that. And then they're not doing it. I mean, listen, he asked me. Anything weird in your butthole. That's what he asks me. Like, anything weird in your. You know, like, how the. Am I supposed to.
- [66:29]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Or before.
- [66:30]
Brian Green
What's that?
- [66:31]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Now or before?
- [66:31]
Brian Green
Yeah, now or before.
- [66:33]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
When?
- [66:33]
Brian Green
Right out. I don't know. Is your finger up there? What's going on? What are we doing, Doc? I didn't come here for a full rectal examination. I came here to check my skin. And he's like, skin's everywhere, dude. Biggest organ on your body.
- [66:46]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
That's true.
- [66:47]
Brian Green
Do yourself checks. Check your tits, check your dick, check your skin. That's the moral of our story.
- [66:58]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Another great psa.
- [67:00]
Brian Green
Yeah, another great PSA for Brian the commercial. Check your butt. Check your boobs. Check your balls.
- [67:11]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Check it all.
- [67:12]
Brian Green
Check it all. Check everything. You gotta check. It's your body. You need to take care of it. No one's gonna do it for you. Even the doctors get it wrong sometime.
- [67:20]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
True.
- [67:20]
Brian Green
Take it from a guy who spent almost 20 years with a body full of calcium.
- [67:27]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Yeah.
- [67:28]
Brian Green
Like I was eating a calcium stick. Like I had a calcium lick to my face.
- [67:31]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
God, that's crazy.
- [67:32]
Brian Green
To think about it really is. To be sick for so long and not even. And then to have indicators that that's what's happening and have no one pay attention to it is scary. And that's why I say it's up to you. It's up to you. You gotta do it. Thank God for my new doctor. Thank God. Thank God for a bunch of doctors who just kind of got together and said, oh, that doesn't look normal.
- [67:54]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Exactly.
- [67:55]
Brian Green
Yeah. Okay. All right, so listen, 12 days of TCB right around the corner. We can't wait for you to turn in. Turn it in. We can't wait for you to tune in because we're going to work hard to make sure it's good or at least acceptable. And I might even check out Facts. Facts in action coming on Netflix January 17, 2025. I'm sure it's going to be lovely. Jamie and Cameron. So 12 days of TCB, 13 through the 25th. All brand new episodes right through Christmas Day. We can't wait to deliver them and then back the next week for more episodes. It's crazy. We basically are doing episodes. We're doing episodes, like 20 of the 31 Days in Jan in December. So enjoy. We hope you do so come on, come on with us 212-433-3TCB 212-433-3822 questions? Comments? Concerns? Contents? Ideas? You want us to talk about something on 12 days of TCB? Let us know what your favorite segment is. We may repeat it at the Commercial break on Instagram TCB Podcast on tick tock www.tcb podcast. Free sticker, audio and video and YouTube.com thecommercial break for now, all episodes of the commercial break on YouTube and Spotify. Christy, that's all I can do for.
- [69:18]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
Right now, I think.
- [69:19]
Brian Green
So tell you that I love you.
- [69:20]
Kristen Joy Hoadley
And I love you.
- [69:20]
Brian Green
Best to you, best to you. Best you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time. Chrissy and I do say we will say and we must say goodbye why get all your holiday decorations delivered through Instacart? Because maybe you only bought two wreaths, but you have 12 windows. Or maybe your toddler got very eager with the Advent calend. Or maybe the inflatable snowman didn't make it through the snowstorm. Or maybe the twinkle lights aren't twinkling. Whatever the reason, this season, Instacart's here for hosts and their whole holiday haul. Get decorations from the Home Depot, CVS and more through Instacart and enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply.
- [69:58]
Unknown
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- [71:32]
Brian Green
I get ass have no family to celebrate Christmas with this year. The commercial break is live the entire holiday season. To make you even more miserable than you currently are. So put your Christmas pajamas on, gather around the Christmas tree, and listen to brand new episodes of the Commercial break.