Bryan's Squirrel Saga

Summary

The Commercial Break — Bryan's Squirrel Saga

Podcast: The Commercial Break
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley
Episode Release: September 27, 2024

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Episode Overview

In this hilariously chaotic episode of The Commercial Break, Bryan Green narrates his unexpected journey from nearly disposing of a seemingly dying baby squirrel to orchestrating an elaborate rescue mission. Amidst the looming threat of a hurricane and ongoing personal health struggles, Bryan’s “Squirrel Saga” becomes a wild centerpiece, filled with frantic Googling, family drama, a dash to PetSmart, and a heartwarming handoff to an actual wildlife rehabilitator. The episode fuses classic TCB banter about pop culture, podcasting fame, and messy real life with a uniquely Bryan twist — real empathy and chaos over a tiny, resilient rodent.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. TCB Updates & Hurricane Banter

[00:58–03:13]

• The hosts joke about hunkering down for an unlikely Atlanta hurricane.
• Bryan gives show updates, health status (forthcoming neck surgery for hyperparathyroidism), and addresses rescheduling of live shows:

  “Everybody to a last has just been wonderful and understanding about the shows... Chrissy and I are working hard to reschedule those shows in 2025...” — Bryan [02:58]

• Self-deprecating humor about podcasting as a career:

  “This podcasting ain’t working out. Follow in Gustavo's footsteps. He’s an engineer.” — Bryan [02:33]

2. Pop Culture Tangents & Podcasting Fame

[05:41–14:39]

• Discusses celebrity podcasts and explosive podcast contracts, referencing Travis Kelce & the “Lucky Charms box” phenomenon.

  “They got like $162 million to do that podcast... That podcast went number one overnight.” — Bryan [06:11]

• Jokes about their podcast being more fit for Grape Nuts than Wheaties due to mediocrity:

  "Our podcast isn't very good. So please buy a box of Grape Nuts." — Bryan [08:49]

• Tangents about cereal mascots, pop-culture crossovers, and “branding” for their show.
• They riff on “going viral” — referencing the "Hawk Tuah girl" and the podcast-to-reality-TV pipeline:

  “Just because you get on a microphone does not necessarily mean you’re going to be good at it. I mean, look at you and I.” — Bryan [15:03]

• Discuss the PR machine and “getting exclusives” from celebrity guests, and frustrations when those exclusives are embargoed.

3. Bryan’s Squirrel Saga: A Backyard Rescue Epic

[24:43–55:26]

a. The Discovery

[24:43–29:06]

• Bryan finds a baby squirrel, apparently dying outside during a storm. Family debates ensue: do they put it out of its misery, let nature take its course, or attempt a rescue?
• Comedic indecision about how to handle the situation:

  “First thing I think is, let me get a plastic bag. I’ll throw it back behind the fence so my neighbor can deal with it.” — Bryan [26:24]

b. From Indifference to Empathy

[29:06–32:16]

• The squirrel is still alive — Bryan Googles everything from “how to nurse a squirrel back to health” to appropriate food.

  "I did see an Instagram reel once how a lady rescued a squirrel by feeding it from her tit... I don't have a tit, but I could figure something out." — Bryan [29:36]

• Trying nuts, then realizing only special formula will do, Bryan escalates the rescue — rushing to PetSmart amid the storm.

c. The Rescue Escalates

[36:40–41:36]

• Purchases puppy formula, baby animal bottles, bedding — recounts trauma-dumping at PetSmart to disinterested employees.

  "I’m trauma dumping on this lady — I’ve got a baby squirrel...she's like, aisle 7." — Bryan [38:41]

• Frantic family and adorable toddler in tow, Bryan spends hundreds of dollars and risks running late in the rain.

d. At-Home Animal Care Chaos

[42:23–47:34]

• Back home: bottle feeding, attempts at hydration, daughter trying to hug the squirrel, concern about mites.
• Naming the squirrel “Peaches” cements Bryan’s attachment. He describes a quickly escalating plan for overnight care, dreams of a squirrel pet, and the tension with his wife about bringing “Peaches” indoors.

  “If you name it, you can’t kill it, right? So we decide on the name Peaches. Peaches the squirrel.” — Bryan [35:46]

e. The Search for Expertise & The Hand-Off

[48:46–54:08]

• After frantic Googling, Bryan finds a true wildlife rehabber an hour away, text-bombs her with videos and updates:

  “I give her every beat by beat text, three videos, because of course I’m taking videos during this whole thing. Maybe I’ll pull one up. It was cute.” — Bryan [48:55]

• Drives the squirrel through the rain; emotional handoff to the squirrel lady, who confirms Peaches suffered head trauma but should recover. She promises updates for the kids:

  “She goes, the squirrel has head trauma. It needs steroids, pain medication, and warm, you know, needs to be loved a little bit.” — Bryan [48:50]

f. Resolution & Reflection

[54:08–55:26]

• Peaches the squirrel is safe, with updates and photos confirming she's thriving:

  "Yes. That pictures were gotten this morning and the squirrel is now with other squirrel babies...flourishing." — Bryan [54:02]

• Bryan milks his good deed for comedic absolution:

  “Now, when I do stupid shit, like cancel shows last minute, act like an idiot… I don’t want any more flak because I saved that one squirrel.” — Bryan [54:10]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I got a couple kids, they can jump in my seat if something should happen. I got a whole succession plan.” — Bryan [05:41]
• “There's one or two reasons why you're coming on The Commercial Break. You're either on your way up or on your way down.” — Bryan [17:44]
• “I saved the squirrel. So now when I do stupid shit… I don’t want any more flak because I saved that one squirrel.” — Bryan [54:10]
• “If you name it, you can’t kill it, right? So we decide on the name Peaches. Peaches the squirrel.” — Bryan [35:46]
• “You want me to do a squirrel bath? No, I’m not doing a squirrel bath.” — Bryan [47:34]
• “I'm not a squirrel expert, but I will be happy to tell everybody — yes, that pictures were gotten this morning and the squirrel is now with other squirrel babies.” — Bryan [54:00]

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Key Timestamps

• 00:58–03:13 — Show & hurricane updates, rescheduled live shows
• 05:41–14:39 — Podcasting fame/rankings, cereal mascots, viral interview gripes
• 24:43–29:06 — Discovery of the dying squirrel
• 29:06–32:16 — Googling “how to rescue a squirrel”, empathy blooms
• 36:40–41:36 — Bryan’s mad dash for rescue supplies
• 42:23–47:34 — First aid, feeding, and the existential debate over squirrel domestication
• 48:46–54:08 — Finding the specialist & delivering Peaches
• 54:08–55:26 — Resolution, good deed gloating, and show wrap-up

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Episode Tone & Takeaway

Irreverent yet sincere, both Bryan and Krissy lean on their signature blend of self-aware absurdity and friendly ribbing. The story is equal parts rescue drama and comedic meltdown, with Bryan letting listeners into his “chaotic but relatable” home life as he stumbles through earnest animal care. The saga — both funny and surprisingly heartfelt — is a reminder that behind the podcast’s sarcastic sheen are two friends genuinely trying (and often failing) at life, and inadvertently making great comedy in the process.

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For listeners: This episode offers a wild ride of unpredictable storytelling, classic TCB banter, and a genuinely heartwarming conclusion — all with plenty of laughs and a big dash of Bryan’s self-deprecating empathy. Peaches the squirrel, wherever you are, we’re all rooting for you.

Transcript

[Brian Green]

I manage my department, and I've been doing that for several years now, and.

[Chrissy]

God, I've learned a lot of life.

[Brian Green]

Lessons along the way. Your department's just you, right? Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage. On this episode of the commercial break, glue is gnawing on my toddler's leg. And I'm like. But the squirrel. Happy days are here again. The squirrel didn't die. It's not the end. Hey, buddy. Me and Peach. Peaches is my new best friend. What? What did you say? Someone's licking the electric socket. Fear not, Peaches is fine. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Yeah, boy. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is the Helene to my Ivan. Chris. Enjoy. Oatley. Best to you, Chris.

[Chrissy]

Best to you, Brian.

[Brian Green]

How do you say it? Helene or Helene?

[Chrissy]

Helene.

[Brian Green]

Helene. It doesn't look like it's said like that, but, you know, what? Do I. No, I'm not a hurricane. Yes. As you're hearing this, we are bunkered down. We have the generators. Yes. We have the hurricane shutters out. The generator is on. Because every once in a while, a hurricane comes to Atlanta. It's 468 miles inland, and it's. And we have a hurricane coming to us.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Thanks. Global warming. Thanks for all you do.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, it's like the largest one in a century.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I remember the one that came to Miami. Like, I think it was Ivan. Maybe it was Ivan. I don't know. The one that came through Miami a couple years back. Maybe it was like eight years back, six years back, something like that. And it also came through in Atlanta. Irma, was it Irma. I don't know who know Irma, but I. We had a bunch of people come from Miami. All the Venezuelans came from Miami to stay with us because it was looking like it was going to be disastrous down there. Well, it wasn't disastrous down here. There. But here there was like, for hours, 60, 50 mph winds. The house sounded scary. It was scary. And that's not even a real hurricane. That's just like a.

[Chrissy]

That's like a tropical storm.

[Brian Green]

It's a universal fart. That's right. So here comes the hurricane. And I don't know, we'll just figure out what happens, I guess. Yeah. But Gustavo came in today. Gustavo.

[Chrissy]

And you told me you're picking him up. I was. I started singing that in my head.

[Brian Green]

I know. It's my favorite. The international man of mystery. Gustavo, now living here in the United States. And we're all very happy, or at least temporarily. He's here to go to school. He's getting his master's degree. Such a smart young man, right?

[Chrissy]

That's right.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Going to. I tell my kids, follow in Gustavo's footsteps. This podcasting ain't working out. Following Gu. He's an engineer.

[Chrissy]

See that guy?

[Brian Green]

I know. See that guy?

[Chrissy]

Your tall uncle.

[Brian Green]

See your uncle? He's handsome, he's smart, he's strong and boner. Probably works. Follow in his footsteps. Gustavo. Gustavo. Anyway, a lot of excitement here around the house. Also want to say that thank you to the many people who have now texted in wishing me well on my health journey. Journey. And a few that didn't wish me so well. But that's okay. We'll take the. We'll take it as a company. Everybody to a. To a last has just been wonderful and understanding about the shows. I believe that the venues have now offered refunds to everybody. Okay. And so if you haven't gotten that email yet, I'm sure you will shortly. If you have any problems, reach out to the venue. If you can't reach the venue and you have, like, a crazy problem, then you can always text us and I'll. I'll do what I can. Chrissy and I are working hard to reschedule Those shows in 2025, early 20. So stay tuned. As soon as we sign those contracts, we'll let people know. We're not going to say anything until we sign the contracts. We learned our lesson last time. And then we may add it. We may tag a few more shows onto the Florida shows also. So stay tuned. Lots of exciting stuff. We're going to do it. Just let me go and get my neck cut wide open, and then I'll be back.

[Chrissy]

I told the doctor, get your back fused together.

[Brian Green]

Get my back fused together, and then we'll go from there. I was talking with someone. I can't remember which one it was. Sean Morris, maybe. I can't remember. I was talking with one of our, like, super fans, and they were saying, man, I got bulging discs in my back. It's miserable. I know all about it. And I said, yeah, I got that too. But that's not what I'm dealing with. I got that also. I can deal with the back as long as I get this thing cut out of my throat, man. I'll tell you what, it's not fun. These. It's not fun. It's not fun. And I just to keep telling Astrid. I said, My boner doesn't work because my neck's all up. Once I get my hyperparathyroidism taken care of, then I'll get my low T taken care of, and then we'll be all good. I'll be back in action, Right? Give me a couple years to recover, babe.

[Chrissy]

Gonna say give me a year.

[Brian Green]

By the time I'm 55 in the retirement home, I'll be hard as a rock and happy as a clam. I swear to God. It's all coming together.

[Chrissy]

You're in for the long day.

[Brian Green]

Oh, man, am I in for the long day. But thank you very much to everybody who reached out. I. I really do appreciate. It does mean a lot. I know we. We goof a lot here on the show, but that's the way we're getting through our miserable lives is by making you laugh. So congratulations. Congratulations to you.

[Chrissy]

It really wasn't true TCB style.

[Brian Green]

There was no other outcome. There was no other outcome that could be expected. I had a phone call with our network today, and somebody was like, oh, how did the live shows go? And I go, obviously you don't listen to the show, because you would have known that I'm not down there. And they were like, oh, no, what happened? And I said, I don't want to repeat it, but just know that I got some health concerns. And then they were like, you're still going to do the show, right? And I was like, yeah, don't worry. You're. This golden throat is still going to continue to make you money. Golden throat.

[Chrissy]

If nobody else.

[Brian Green]

You. Yeah, if. No. Yeah, we'll figure it out. Yeah, I got a couple kids. They can jump in my seat if something should happen.

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Brian Green]

I've got a whole succession plan. Yes, Chrissy, please continue to do the show. You and Astrid will have a lot of good fun. Yeah. I was watching television the other day, and I saw a Lucky Charms commercial with Travis and what is. Kevin, Kelsey, Travis and what's the other one? Travis and John. Kevin, Bob, Billy. The other one.

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Brian Green]

The not as famous one. Yes. You know, they got like, $162 million to do that podcast.

[Chrissy]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

Well, I mean, you can hardly blame a network for chasing them. Really hard to get that done because they. As soon as this whole brouhaha about Taylor Swift and Travis being together came and they got. And then they did the exact right thing, and that was hop right on the fuck on her coattails and ride that thing all the way to the top. And they. That podcast went number one overnight. Now I'm not sure it's always number one. I don't know what that's like to be number one. But, you know, they went right to number one on those Apple charts and being listened to by a lot of people Now, I took a listen last night and the show's not half bad, I do have to say.

[Chrissy]

Like, I've heard snippets of it.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, they seem to have a natural band. I mean, they're brothers, you would imagine. But they seem to have a natural banter that doesn't sound as obnoxious as some of the other, like, you know, hot right now podcasts that are out there. I won't mention any of them. But you know who I'm talking about.

[Chrissy]

If you know, you know, if you.

[Brian Green]

I K N Y D K N Y. I'll talk about that in a minute. Let me give you an update on I K and Y D K NY girl. So. But last night, I'm watching television and you're doing some work, and I saw a Lucky Charms commercial, good old. With those two brothers in it. And now they're on the COVID of the Lucky Charms box. Now, when I was a kid, I knew that if you were the hot athlete of the moment, you were certainly going to be on the Wheaties box. That was the only reason to eat Wheaties. The only reason to buy Wheaties is because Michael Jordan was on the box. And it could be a collector's item someday. Or you were just excited that Michael Jordan. But if you were anything like my household, my mom would buy one of those because we were excited about Michael Jordan or whoever was on the front cover, you know, Bo Jackson, whoever it happened to be. But then there was another cereal that we actually ate. So there was Wheaties that stayed in the cabinet the whole time. And then it was because who the. What child wants to eat Wheaties?

[Chrissy]

No, you don't.

[Brian Green]

None. Zero, zero. Even though as an adult, I've taken to Wheaties, I like Wheaties. I think Drake's actually very good. So. But now they're on the COVID of the Lucky Charms box. Chrissy. And when did Lucky Charms start putting people on the COVID of the box?

[Chrissy]

Sounds like now.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I mean, these guys always been.

[Chrissy]

The little guy, the leprechaun.

[Brian Green]

These guys are cashing the in on all of this silliness. And I'm for it. I think it's incredible.

[Chrissy]

Definitely.

[Brian Green]

So I've devised a plan that I think makes sense for the commercial break. There's a cereal out there that's going to have us. What do you think it is? Like, what are those little rabbit pellets that you eat? You know what I'm talking about? The rabbit pellet cereal that tastes like horse food.

[Chrissy]

Grapeseed or grape?

[Brian Green]

Grape Nuts?

[Chrissy]

Grape Nuts.

[Brian Green]

Grape Nuts, yes. Hi, I'm Brian Green for Grape Nuts. I know the cereal doesn't taste very good, but our podcast isn't very good. So please buy a box of Grape Nuts.

[Chrissy]

Goes great with cream.

[Brian Green]

Goes great with cream. Cream and Grape Nuts on sale now. Crozier. At your local Crozier. I mean, this is the thing we got to do. We're hot right now mainly because we cancel the shows and people want to find us, but we can do this. We could be on a box of cereal. If we were to be on a box of any cereal, what cereal would you want to be on?

[Chrissy]

Oh.

[Brian Green]

Hmm.

[Chrissy]

See, I would choose kind of Lucky Charms as my. One of my favorite ones. I just love those little dried marshmallows. So another one that has the dried marshmallow things are. What is that? The Kellogg's with the, like, strawberry bit things in them. You know what I'm talking about?

[Brian Green]

I mean, I think.

[Chrissy]

But I think they're like, oh, with.

[Brian Green]

The dried cornflakes and dried strawberries. Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about.

[Chrissy]

Those were good.

[Brian Green]

Those were good. That was good. But no, nobody's gonna buy that, so no one wants that.

[Chrissy]

Cheerios.

[Brian Green]

Cheerios.

[Chrissy]

I love golden or the Honey Nut.

[Brian Green]

I just think our brand. It's not on brand. You know what I'm saying? Like, I agree with you. Cheerios is good. I. I would do the chocolate Cheerios, which I think are really good.

[Chrissy]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

But it's not on brand. Cheerios is not gonna do us. I mean, let's just be real about it. They're not interested in a commercial break. We got to find someone that's on.

[Chrissy]

Well, what's your cereal that you eat with the cream?

[Brian Green]

I don't even eat cere. Well, I don't. I don't anymore because now I have to be careful about how much calcium I put in my body. Astro was, like, managing my calcium yesterday. I wanted to have, like, a. Like, a taco type thing, and I was like, oh, let me get a little sour cream on there. That's delicious. I can't do Mexican food without sour cream.

[Chrissy]

Oh, me too. Yeah. Sour cream fan.

[Brian Green]

Well, have you ever been to Spain or Mexico and asked for sour cream? Because it's. That's not what they bring you. The sour cream here. Is not what they bring you.

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Brian Green]

They bring you crema, which is.

[Chrissy]

That's true. I've been to Mexico.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. It's not the. It's not the same thing. No, it doesn't taste the same. It tastes like rotten milk. But anyway, I mean, it honestly does. I'm just being honest about it. But that's how they do it, right? And a lot of times, if you ask for it, it's like they're. They understand you're a gringo. They. They know, like, they want crema on their taco. It's. It's not that. But I don't drink the cream. I don't do the cream. The cream and cereal anymore. But when I did, toward the end of my run with cream and cereal, I was not even doing cereal. I was doing oat granola, Honey and oat granola, which they sell in the cereal aisle because I think they know there's idiots like me out there who are breaking their teeth using. Using granola as a cereal. And so that's what I was doing. It was like Golden Valley, whatever. I thought Honey Valley or something. Nature Valley, something like that. And, man, was it delicious.

[Chrissy]

Granola, delicious. He mixes it with the. His yogurt, see, Put some fruit.

[Brian Green]

Just tell Jeff to take it one step further and put some cream in there. And I will tell you it's the exact same thing, because I know the yogurt's good, too. It's a little bit of a different taste, but he'll like it. But I still think, you know, Honey Valley or whatever, Nature's Valley. It's still not on brand, so I was thinking about a few cereals that might be on brand for us. It's probably going to be the shittiest kind of cereal that, like, parents definitely stay away from, but kids who don't have parents to give a shit, they then buy it. So there's like, you know, what's that? Golden Grams. I think golden grams, full of honey and sugar and those little puffed things. I think definitely that would be something that we could do. The Golden Grams or the Honey Bunches of Oats or O's. Have you ever had O's? Oh, man, is O so good. Yeah. O's. Oh, look, it's Brian and Chrissy from the commercial break. Oh.

[Chrissy]

That'S like your kids.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, we have a little word bubble coming out of us. Oh. Or, you know, 21 EPM O's.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I say 21pm and you say multiple O's. You know what? I'm saying there's like a. There's a thing there that we could do. We got to get on this bandwagon.

[Chrissy]

All right, let me. The next. Let me peruse the. The cereal next time.

[Brian Green]

I'm not going to be young and terribly sick forever. Chrissy, we got to get on this jump on this bandwagon. Right.

[Chrissy]

As we do the spokesperson bandwagon.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Where's Matt when you need him? What's he up to? What's he doing? Why isn't he on this? Yeah, they $162 million or whatever it was, I think is 160 plus million dollar for a multi year podcast contract. I mean, they are rivaling Joe Rogan in dollars. They didn't still, Joe's the king as far as cash is concerned. With a podcast, no other. Never again will a podcast deal be done like that unless someone just comes and takes the world by storm. Like, Joe did like 100 million downloads a month, but these guys got a boatload of cash. I even think the Hawk Tua girl got a couple million dollars to do her podcast.

[Chrissy]

She's got a podcast.

[Brian Green]

She does.

[Chrissy]

She did listen to it.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

But yeah, I'm gonna give like, okay, the Hawk to a Girl. Let's talk about the Hawk to a Girl for a minute. Because we kind of breezed right over that. Just like us, we're getting to it 30 years after it actually happened. I mean, I actually think we did do the Hawk to a Girl like a couple days after that. That video went viral, but we haven't talked much about it since. The Hawk to a Girl has been everywhere. She's been on everybody's podcast because that's the plan she got. I think it was wme same people who were promoting our show Girl. They represent the Hawk to a girl. And there's like a well worn path in 2024 as to how you do these things. You get a podcast.

[Chrissy]

I guess that's the. Yeah, there's a plan.

[Brian Green]

There's no barrier to entry with a podcast and you can grow an audience, especially if you have a little bit of a following. Now, having a following online does not necessarily equate to a following on a podcast and vice versa, as we can attest to.

[Chrissy]

We know that.

[Brian Green]

Yes. It doesn't necessarily mean people are going to like you on social media if you've got a podcast that people like to listen to and vice versa. But they did what they needed to do, which was quickly, let's get you in the studio, record some episodes. We'll get some famous people to come in here and talk to you also. And then we'll. Hopefully this will roll into a reality show, a television appearance, Dancing with the Stars, whatever it is. And so they're doing that. They're in like stage one or two of this plan to sustain that 15 minutes of fame to her, not credit, but to defend her a little bit. It. Just because you get on a microphone does not necessarily mean you're going to be good at it. I mean, look at you and I. We've been doing this for 600 plus episodes, and just in the last couple of months, do I feel comfortable doing this show behind a microphone? So she's gonna have to get some reps in. The question is, will the audience afford her that time? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe it's 15 minutes and it's gone. Maybe she can suspend that for some period of time. I don't dislike the Hawk to a girl.

[Chrissy]

No, I agree.

[Brian Green]

I think she more power too. Yeah, but this is like the most silliest. This is the silliest reason to become famous. Do you know what I'm saying? You do a man on the street, girl on the street interview when you're drunk and you say words, and then all of a sudden you're like as famous as one of the Kardashians for no reason except to say Haktua. I'm not saying that's her fault. That's your fault for watching that stupid video over and over again and then paying attention to her. But I don't. I think she's doing exactly what she needs to do. She's made millions of dollars. She sold hats, T shirts, that podcast she got a couple million dollars for. I'm sure there's a reality show. I'm sure there are cameras following her around, taking tape and hopefully cutting it into a reality show of some sort. She's probably gotten auditions for game shows, Dancing with the Stars, some VH1 reality show. You know, there's things that are. That are brewing in the background. And the celebrities who do have podcasts have decided to hitch their wagon on the Hawk to a girl and do podcast interviews with her. I've seen some of those interviews. She seems like a perfectly lovely human.

[Chrissy]

Oh, yeah, she does.

[Brian Green]

Is she, like the personality that's gonna bubble up to this? Is she gonna be a Kardashian eventually? I don't know. Who knows? We'll see. I don't think so, but we'll see. And I noticed she's conspicuous. Conspicuously absent from our Podcast share that with you, Chrissy.

[Chrissy]

I know.

[Brian Green]

Did she ask to come on and we said no, or has she not asked to come on and we would say yes? I don't know. To you, Hawk, to a girl. Will you come on the commercial break and will we accept that invitation? Who knows? It's yet to be determined, Chrissy.

[Chrissy]

Anything's possible.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Like I say to many of our guests, there's one or two reasons why you're coming on the commercial break. As a guest, you're either on your way up or on your way down.

[Chrissy]

That's right.

[Brian Green]

Yes. You're either in the 15th minute or in the 17th minute. We'll figure it out once you get here. Have you listened to her podcast?

[Chrissy]

I did.

[Brian Green]

And what do you think?

[Chrissy]

I. Well, I like again, Yeah, I think maybe she needs some more practice. But I'm rooting for her.

[Brian Green]

I mean, I'm not rooting against her, let's put it that way. I don't know if I'm rooting for it, but I'm not rooting against her. I don't think I'm. I don't think I'm that invested, actually into what happens with the hot tour. You know what I'm saying? But as a fellow podcaster, I say welcome to the club.

[Chrissy]

Yeah. And if she's got some interesting stuff, I think the one that I listened to was Whitney Cummings. And yes, you know that it was that interesting. Let's say that. But it could be.

[Brian Green]

Well, here's the thing. Whitney had her on her show, and then the first episode of the Hawk to a Girls show had Whitney on there.

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Brian Green]

I don't think that's the smartest move in the world if I'm just sharing that with you. Like, I'm sure every. I'm sure a lot of people in the audience have noticed when Sam Morrill is on the commercial break, he also goes on three other podcasts or ten other podcasts. Jay Farrow was our guest this week, and I loved having Jay. This morning I wake up, there's like a seven minute clip on Instagram of him with Bill Maher. And I'm like, you know, Nicky Jam comes on. There's 12 other Nicky Jam, you know, interviews that are out the same week or within the same month, because that's what they do. They cycle through their PR and they just go, do everybody. It's not my. That's not my favorite thing in the world, if I'm being honest. I wish that we had, like, some time to ourselves, like, but who am I to ask for exclusivity? Like, you know, okay, you can't do another podcast for a month. And when we did Nicky Jam, we recorded that in fucking May. I know.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

He's a presidential candidate or something.

[Chrissy]

I have to say that I think we were one of the firsts.

[Brian Green]

We were.

[Chrissy]

But then we weren't allowed to air it until later, until after he'd already put it out there.

[Brian Green]

And, yeah, I say this.

[Chrissy]

We did get that exclusive.

[Brian Green]

We did. We got.

[Chrissy]

Well, he said it was.

[Brian Green]

We got an exclusive, but only nobody got to hear it.

[Chrissy]

But nobody got to hear it.

[Brian Green]

I will say that.

[Chrissy]

Was that. He's not retiring.

[Brian Green]

He's not retiring. Nikki Jam's PR people and agents were some of the nicest people we have dealt with ever. And that Nikki Jam is not some, like, shrinking violet. Like, you have to deal with some stuff. Right. When he came on, we were probably one of the first podcasts he had done to promote this new album. Because, as Chrissy mentioned, when we got into it, he. I asked him if he was retiring because he had announced he was retiring back in January. And he said, listen, I was going through a hard time. I was drinking a lot. I was feeling terrible. I was just down. And I put that reel out because I really felt that way in the moment. But I'm telling you, and I'm telling any. This is the first time I'm telling anybody this publicly is that I'm not retiring. That's an exclusive. You guys got it. I didn't. It's great. So then. So excited, so excited that finally somebody said something of notes on our show.

[Chrissy]

We're going to be the first, we're not going to be the last.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And the second we get off the show, the PR people email us due to the nature of the discussion. Can you please hold that for a couple of months? And I'm like, hey, I want to say no, but who the fuck am I to say no? I enjoyed my conversation with Nikki, and everybody's so lovely. What am I going to say? And I get it. Like, there's a whole PR strategy. And he, you know, Nikki's like, nikki is not a guy, I imagine that's going to, like, listen to his. If a PR agent says, you can't say that, he's not going to be like you. I'll say what I want to.

[Chrissy]

Yeah. He was just talking candidly to us.

[Brian Green]

That's right.

[Chrissy]

And then his PR team was like, that's why you pass.

[Brian Green]

I mean, we could not have Gotten that email faster. Two minutes after we hung up the phone, hung up the video call with him, his agent was like, great discussion. Thanks so much. You can't run that podcast for a long time. So by the time we run it and he's saying so then, you know, just, just like a little inside baseball. So like two and a half weeks before we're allowed or, you know, we've agreed to run this. He's on the Today show and he's doing a big concert in this whatever, Today show parking lot or whatever the. And the host of the Today show goes, all right, man, gotta ask you, you know something. Said, all right, now I gotta ask you a question. Are you really retired? And he goes, exclusive. No. And I'm like, brother, well, it's just our luck. The shows were gonna get canceled and Nikki Jam wasn't gonna give us an exclusive. But I welcome him back on to talk about that Trump fucking fuck up. That's. I would love to hear about that. Why? Trump called him a girl.

[Chrissy]

I didn't even hear that.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God. Very quickly. Because then we got to take a break. We're already running so long. But Nikki shows up to a Trump rally. I guess Trump's people catch wind that Nikki is there. Of course, he's a very famous person. He can't just sit out in the crowd with everybody. Yeah, this is like in Texas. So Trump goes, and I hear that Nicky Jam is here with bitcoin. And he goes, this Nicky Jam, she's a very good looking girl. We love Nicky Jam. We love our Nicky Jam, don't we? Where's Nikki? Nikki, where are you? And then Nikki comes out and Trump's like, oh, hey, you got a penis cocking balls. And he does that shoulder shrug, that twitch. And then Nikki comes out. So Nikki puts out a post the next day making fun of. I mean, the news was everywhere because it's Nicky Jam. So everywhere. That news was all over my feeds and all over the news magazines that I read online and the news sites. And he posted this picture of him and Trump with this funny, you know, am I really the best looking girl or something like that in Spanish? Yeah. But then a couple days later, he deletes all mentions of Trump from his Instagram and his social media accounts. So I'd like to know exactly what happened and I welcome him here. You know, vote for who you're going to vote for, dude, I don't give a shit. Yeah, okay. Anyway, we have now spent almost 30 minutes talking here on the first segment. Of the commercial break. So let's take a break and we'll.

[Christina]

Be back calling all pretty, pretty princesses. Yeah, that means you. I've got a favor to ask, if you wouldn't mind. Could you just please follow us on Instagram hecommercial break and on TikTokCBpodcast. Not on social media. Text us instead at 212-4333, TCB. And if you find yourself wanting any more content from this already content saturated show, check out our [e-mail] while you're contemplating what hilarious meme to send us, let's listen to our sponsors and get back to the show.

[Brian Green]

Oh, Chrissy, do I have a story to tell?

[Chrissy]

Do you?

[Brian Green]

Yes. This house continues to get more and more wild.

[Chrissy]

Oh, that's right.

[Brian Green]

This house is like a zoo. I mean, inside the house, it's like a zoo. Especially since my wife now thinks that frogs are running around the house when they're actually moths. They're like, there's a fly running on the house. And my wife says there's a bald eagle. With a bald eagle. Anyway, this, that backyard, I've already told you, groundhogs, squirrels taking baths, groundhogs going under the patio, you know, snakes running around, moles, deers, all kind of thing. Deer and not deers. Deer, deers, gooses running around. There's all kind of in that backyard. A family of hawks have nested there for many years and now they're flying around eating things. I don't want to see it. One time I saw it pick up a little. Pick up a little animal like a squirrel. And just. And I was, my daughter saw it too. And I was like, and this is the way it goes.

[Chrissy]

It's nature.

[Brian Green]

They're going to play together. Don't worry about it.

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Brian Green]

So yesterday afternoon as it's raining, because it's been raining for a couple of days before it even starts to rain, we're going to get 55 fucking inches of rain. So my wife, I had taken a nap. I wasn't feeling good, so I took a nap. And I woke up and asked her to standing like right at the door when I walk out. And she's like, there's something. It's a squirrel. It's not good. It's dying or dead. And I go, what? And I go in the house? No, right outside the back door. So we have these big glass doors in our backyard that go out to.

[Chrissy]

A. Yeah, the sliding doors.

[Brian Green]

Like a deck, right? The sliding doors.

[Chrissy]

Not like a deck.

[Brian Green]

It is, it is a deck. It's not like a deck. It is a deck. Thanks, Chrissy. My hypercalcemia is getting to my brain this morning. So I go, what? Yeah, it's. It's dead. I don't know. She's like, so stressed about it. She's like, I don't know. I saw it move its little paw, but it's not looking good. I don't even think it's breathing, and I don't know what to do with it, and I don't want the kids to see it. And I'm like, okay, all right. So now I'm like. I go, I'll take care of it. First thing I think is, let me get a plastic bag. I'll get a plastic bag, I'll grab it. I'll throw it back behind the fence so my neighbor can deal with it. I'll throw it over into the woods so it can go to nature. You know, from dust to ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Let it do its thing. Somebody's going to eat on it and that'll be a good meal for somebody. I don't want to throw it in my trash because then it's going to smell like. And then I'm going to have those raccoons running around.

[Chrissy]

Should be back to nature.

[Brian Green]

I agree. So that's what I do with the things I find, you know, swirling around. Like when I found that mole and that frog, right? Swimming with each other at the swirling mole with the frog pool party. Ribbit ribbon. Ribbit. So the first thing I do is I go to grab a plastic bag and I go into the kitchen and I can see out the back. And I look and I see this little squirrel on its side. It's obviously a baby. It's not a full grown squirrel on its side. And. But I can see its little leg twitching. And I'm like, oh, I don't think it's dead, actually. So then I go and I take a closer look. It's a couple feet from that glass door. Its eyes are open and its little paws twitching.

[Chrissy]

No.

[Brian Green]

And. But I can see that it's breathing also. And I'm like, shit. Now what do I do? So I'm discussing this with Asher and she's like, what do we do? And I'm like, well, I could put them out in the backyard and kind of just let nature take its course. I could shoot it, but, you know, put it out of its misery because who wants to be dying like that, right? It's also raining and now cold outside. Like Cool outside. So you can see it's shaking a little bit too. So I'm like. I go. Or she goes, call. Call your. Call the neighbor. Maybe he knows what to do. And I'm like, really? You think. You think I'm that much of a. That I don't know what to do with a dying squirrel, by the way? I don't. Maybe I should call the neighbor. I honestly was so offended for a second, and then I thought, that's a good idea, actually. Tag team for a squirrel seven inches long. Well, the two of us can figure it out. So I'm like, ah, all right, let me go look. Let me take a closer look. And now it's like, you can see it's really trying to move its paw, but it's not happening very well. It's obviously in a lot of distress. So I go, okay, I could break its neck, I guess.

[Chrissy]

God.

[Brian Green]

But I've never done that, so I don't even know how to do that. So. But I'm just thinking about what manly stuff I can do. What would Daniel do? I. Brian, stomp on it. I don't know. What do you do? Throw it down hard on the ground? I don't know. And it's not in me. I'm like, I can't do that. What are you talking. Brian, what are you talking about? It's not blue. It's not blue. It's a squirrel. What do you do? And none of my kids have noticed yet. So I kind of close the blinds a little bit just so they don't have the angle to see it. And I'm thinking to myself, and I go, well, I did see an Instagram reel once how the lady rescued a squirrel by feeding it from her tit or something like that. I don't have a tit, but I guess I could figure something out. So I start Googling. I'm like, you know how to nurse a squirrel back to health? What happens when a squirrel's laying on its side? You know, I'm talking to. Talking to Google what happens, period, when a squirrel, period, is laying on its side, shaking, period. And unbelievably, Google has an answer for everything, right? And it's like, you can try and nurse the squirrel back to health. It probably has fallen out of the nest and just needs its mom, right? And it may be malnut. Malnourished or whatever, okay? So it says. So I go, okay, I could get, like, some food for it and maybe try and feed it. Maybe it's hungry. Maybe it's Just like, really starving out there, you know? It's on its last leg. It needs a little bite to eat. So I'm looking through my cupboard for things that I can feed the squirrel, right? Chocolate granola bar. Probably not great for a squirrel. You know, biscotti butter. Nope, can't do that either. Fresh bread. I've always heard that fresh bread is bad for animals. What can I do here? And then I see that astronaut. This little section in our cupboard for nuts, and there's, like, dried sweetened almonds, those. These things. The smoke smokehouse. Jalapeno almonds. And I was like, probably not jalapeno almonds. Damn squirrel.

[Chrissy]

But nuts seem like a good place to start, right?

[Brian Green]

So I Google it. Can I feed the squirrel nuts? My baby squirrel nuts? No. Do not feed a baby squirrel anything but squirrel formula. And I'm like, squirrel formula? What the fuck is squirrel formula? And where do you get it? Is there really a squirrel formula? So then I do a further investigation. Dog puppy formula for malnourished puppies or puppies who have not gotten on the tit. The small. The small puppies who've lost their mom or. Or can't suckle or whatever. The deal is, they actually make this stuff for puppies. And it's like, high concentration of, I don't know, puppy vitamins or whatever. Minerals and vitamins, Minerals and vitamins. All the 12 food groups. And then it also says you can feed it Powerade or that stuff that you give for kids when they're dehydrated.

[Chrissy]

Oh.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, well, I don't have any of that. I don't have any puppy formula laying around because I don't have a puppy. I got some dog that won't stop barking at the dead squirrel outside. So now I've made a decision. Like, something snaps in my brain. I'm like, brian, two seconds ago, you were thinking about shooting the thing. Now you're thinking about how you save it. So go one way or the other. But, you know, don't. Don't middle metal around. Don't throw it out. Time's a wasting time. The squirrel is a dying. So I say to myself, dry it off, warm it up, try and give it some water. Three steps that I think I can take.

[Chrissy]

There you go.

[Brian Green]

So I run and I looked in our towel closet for the towel that I know assert is not going to be upset that I just used to put a dead baby squirrel.

[Chrissy]

That's correct. I have a little cupboard of those as well.

[Brian Green]

Yes. The. Everyone Has a. Everyone has a few towels like that. Like if it doesn't make it, if the towel needs to get thrown out, it's okay. Yeah. That 15. That towel that I was using when at jam land pool 30 years ago to dry off my cocaine when it got wet. This is going to be fine. Like, this towel is okay. So I grab that towel, I grab a couple of runner ham warmers, the kind that you break open and they start to get warm. Yeah. And I grab a box and I put some blues pads down on the bot on the bottom of the box. I go out there and I take the towel and I'm trying to pick it up, but it is really limp. It's like it's not going anywhere. I can't get it with the towel. And all I'm doing is just getting the towel soaking wet because it's on this wet deck. Right. So now I'm like, I'm defeating the whole purpose of trying it all. I just getting it wet. So I'm thinking to myself, well, Brian, I guess you're gonna have to pick up the dead squirrel with your hands.

[Chrissy]

Or like a spatula.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I guess I could have done that too, but I wasn't trying to flip it like a burger.

[Chrissy]

Well, that you could at least get it up under and then maybe some.

[Brian Green]

Tongs just grab it.

[Chrissy]

That's what I thought. Tongs first. But that might have killed it. So I'm thinking spatula.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, but in the things in this house that Aster doesn't want touching a dead squirrel, any kitchen utensil is probably it. Right? Aster does. I mean, and I don't blame her. Like, that's, you know, it's a squirrel. It's out in the wild, it's got diseases. And you can see that there are mites all over it. Mites are jumping off this thing because they have already. They already know what's coming.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, they're jumping.

[Brian Green]

They're not jumping ship, they're jumping on the ship. They know that they're gonna get a good meal once this little guy stops breathing. Right. They're accelerating the death, essentially. So I decide in my moment of now extreme empathy, because this little squirrel is, like, looking at me. It's like kind of turned.

[Chrissy]

Look at you. Those.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Chrissy]

Look at you.

[Brian Green]

Yes. But it's not opening his mouth. It's not trying to attack. It's obviously just out of every. It's out of life, essentially. It's just trying to die. So I grab him up by his belly. I put him in the towel. And I start to slowly dry it off, right? Put it under the. Under the. Under the roof. And I slowly start to dry it off. And he starts moving his little leg and he's, like, looking at me, and I'm like, oh, my God, you're hooked. Now I'm gonna spend a thousand dollars exactly of money that I don't have trying to rescue this fucking squirrel that's going to die anyway. And I'm just, You know, I'm going to feel like I did something good. And he's just going to suffer for the next seven hours. So it's. It's me and my youngest that is home. And the youngest is, like, standing at the door like, you know, wow, wow. Blue, Blue. My youngest calls everything blue. If it's an animal, it's blue, right? Blue, blue, blue. I'm like, oh, man. Okay, you stay there, and I'm gonna put this thing in the box and we're gonna see if we can give it some water. So I can't even get, like. I have this little syringe, you know, like.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And I'm trying, like, a dropper. Yeah, dropper for the kids medicine. And I'm desperately trying to push water into its mouth, but it won't open its mouth. And now I can feel that it's got teeth as I'm rubbing this thing across. So I. I go, hey, they have the, like, you know, the little cheeks, they blow up when they put nuts in them. Let me put some water in that cheek and let's see what happens. And I do. And I can see that it swallows the water. So I'm like, okay, a little progress here. And now I gotta find a name for it. Now I'm like, brian, name it that way you're gonna care for it. If you name it, you can't kill it, right? So I named. So. So we decide on the name. Peaches. Peaches the squirrel Peaches. So I give it a couple more drops of water, and it starts to, like, really shake. It's like getting right back. I don't know if it's. I don't know if it's getting revved up or if. If I'm just, like, drowning the thing, right? So I'm like, okay, don't. No more water. So in that moment, I go, let me see if I can find some puppy formula for this thing. I think it just needs some food. So I put it in the box, I dry it all off. I put it in the box, I put the hand warmers on. And then I put it up front so the hawks can't get it. Right. The hawks and the snakes and the squirrels and the. The cat that's on the. The cat on the hot tin roof. The whole thing.

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Brian Green]

I put it up front in a little. In a covered area. And then I tell my youngest, get your shoes on. We're going to find some puppy formula. To which my youngest says, I just. My pants. Can you change my diaper? And I say, all right, but we got to save the squirrel. We don't have much time. I call everywhere. I call every vet and emergency vet and Animal Hospital within 20 miles to try and find this formula. Yes.

[Chrissy]

And they didn't have it.

[Brian Green]

No. And they don't seem to give a. That I have a dying score. I'm. I'm in stressed mode, you know, I already have. Yeah. My parathyroid is always already on fire. And I'm anxious as about this dying squirrel. And they don't seem to give a. That I have a dying squirrel. They'll just say, no, don't sell it. Nope, don't have it. No, won't give it to you, whatever it is. Until one guy finally says, ah, try Pet Smart. And I go, am I not? Pet Smart had some specialized formula for malnourished puppies. I would have tried there first. And I call Petsmart, and they go, yeah, we got aisle seven. I'm like, oh, so zip on over now. I'm driving like a maniac over to petsmart, and my kid in the back like, daddy. And I'm like, I know we're gonna save that squirrel. You can imagine, like, this harried situation that's going on. Of course it's raining. Everyone's driving like a fucking moron. I'm going in and out of traffic, busting red lights, rolling through stop signs, my kid in the back. And at one point I think to myself, I'm gonna kill my kid to save the squirrel. Stop it, Brian.

[Chrissy]

Slow down.

[Brian Green]

I get there, and yes. So the lady says, yeah, it's on aisle number seven. You know, we have a bunch of it. Like you can get it liquid form or powdered form. And she goes, and. And I go, yeah, but like, she gives a. I start telling her the story right now I'm putting. I'm trauma dumping on this lady. I'm like, I got a baby squirrel that came in the thing, and it's on its side and it's going like this. And she's like, aisle seven.

[Chrissy]

No one gets even trying to get this. Commiserate.

[Brian Green]

I was trying to get her to give me some information.

[Chrissy]

You've got a baby squirrel.

[Brian Green]

You've got a dead baby squirrel. Quick, aisle seven.

[Chrissy]

I'll go with you.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Stat. Get up some formula. Stat. We'll give it to you for free. You're a man of amazing empathy. Jesus Christ walks among us. He's saving the dead. Get out of the way. He's saving a dead baby squirrel. Give it cpr. I'm hoping she's going to tell me what to do. And she's like, aisle seven? Yeah. So I get to aisle seven, there's another employee there. I start trauma doping on her. I'm like, I got this dead baby squirrel. And she goes, oh, yeah. We actually sell a lot of this formula because there's a local guy comes in twice a week, and his. He's like, a dead baby squirrel saver. That's what he does. And I was like, oh, well, what's his name? And she goes, I don't know. Like, she's gonna have that information handy, right?

[Chrissy]

Yeah. Keep his card on file.

[Brian Green]

Oh, I just texted him. Let me give you his information. So I grab puppy formula special bottles with nipples on them for small creatures, stuffing that you would put in a gerbil box, figuring, you know, it can nest in there. I'm. Now I'm thinking about the squirrel is going to be here for a year, and we're gonna have to save it, right? I get on the phone with Astrid, and she's like, what's going on? And I go, I got the baby squirrel. She did not even. She took the kids out to, like, an activity, and she didn't even know that I had put this baby squirrel in the box that I had tried to get. And she's like, no, Brian, come on. Oh, my God. You're gonna have a dead baby squirrel in the house. No, it's outside. Out. And the kids are listening, and they're like, I want to see the squirrel.

[Chrissy]

Of course.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And I'm like, well, listen, kids, nature may have already taken its course. By the time I get back, that poor thing might not be here anymore. And I'm gonna find. Feed it to the. I'm trying to explain because I don't want them to be disappointed. They get home and the actual squirrel is dead in a box, so hurry up. And like, I'm trying to push people out of line. Like, I'm cutting people off. I'm like, quick, bed. Dead baby squirrel. And then the lady's like, do you want to donate $30 to a pet in need? And I'm like, whatever. Give me. So now I've spent a thousand dollars at the petsmart on a squirrel that I don't even know is still alive. I've been gone 30 minutes. It's dead, probably. I have no idea what's going on. I check out, I. It's pouring down rain. I'm holding my baby, A bag from petsmart. You know, I'm running. I put the baby in there, and I'm like, wow. Gua blue. Save the squirrel. And you know what? She goes. She goes, daddy, save squirrel. And I was like, oh. And then I wanted to turn around and take a video of her. So the squirrel may be dying, but I gotta get a cute video. Hey, say dead squirrel again, honey. So. So now we're rushing back home to save this baby squirrel. And I'll tell you exactly what happened right after this. I always get you, don't I? Yeah. Yeah, right.

[Christina]

Coming at you live from my bedroom, it's your producer Christina, here to ask you to follow us on instagram at the commercial break and on tick tock@tcb podcast, because social media is hard. Got something to say? Text us or call us at 212-433-3333, TCB and leave us an unhinged voicemail because that is something I am personally a very big fan of, and I can't wait to hear what you have to say. Check out our website, tcbpodcast.com because there is a very glorious back catalog of audio and video that lives on our website. Just waiting for you to watch. Watch it now. Let's hear from our sponsors and we will get back to Brian and Chrissy chatting about who knows what.

[Brian Green]

Very interesting music in those new liners. I do have to say, look at that hurricane. Oh, my God, we are screwed. By the way, it looks like planes are still coming in and out of Hartsfield Jackson. We have. Gustavo flew in this morning. We thought maybe the flight was going to be canceled because of the hurricane that's supposed to barrel through Atlanta. And I think Jeff's doing some traveling this afternoon. Okay. Okay. So we're on our way home now. Again, I'm driving like an idiot as fast as I can because all I can think about is I'm going to feel like total ass if I get home and this squirrel is now dead. So I'm rushing home. I get there, I open the box, and the thing is curled up against one of the heaters. And when I open it, it lifts its Head like it had not had the. Yes, Daddy. Daddy, can I use the restroom in your house? Do you have any biscotti butter for me, Patty? Yes. Now it's looking at me like it's. I'm its mommy. It's like it looks up at me and I. With energy, like, with energy. And I go, oh, that's a good sign. You're coming a little bit back to life here. I run inside. I. I don't have a can opener. Like, it's in a can, but not the can you, like, open or. Not the kind you know. It's like milk in a can, in a metal can. So I'm taking a knife and I'm stabbing the can.

[Chrissy]

I know I did, but that is so dangerous. You could majorly cut yourself.

[Brian Green]

I know. That's all I was thinking about when I put that. As I. As I opened it, then I put the knife down and I was like, holy, Brian, you could have just killed yourself.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Or at least maimed your hand. Thank God it's your voice that you use. That'll get cut open soon, too. So I put some in a pot. I stir it up. It's supposed to be as hot as it can be without boiling something. And I'm stirring it up. The baby is, like, running around, and she can get into the cupboard now and get herself snacks. She is just full of chocolate. Yeah. She's got a juice box. She's spilling everywhere. And she's like, daddy's knack, knack, knack. And I'm like, whatever. The squirrel. So I put it in a dropper in the syringe. Even though I've got the nipple bottle, I don't know that I can even get it to open its mouth. So I go in there and I do the thing that I did before. I squeeze that little thing into. Into its cheek. And I can see the cheek gets big and then it doesn't come out of the mouth. She's. She's swallowing it. And I'm like, oh, this is a great sign. And then she starts doing that shaking thing again, like, violently shaking. And I'm like, oh, I hope I didn't. I hope I'm not killing the squirrel. I hope it doesn't have some weird stomach problem that I'm, like, making worse by putting food in its body. But I managed to give her about 5 milliliters of this formula. And then. And she sit. You have to hold them straight up. That's what it says. Hold them straight up. So she's in my arms I'm holding it straight up, I'm putting it in its mouth, mites all over the thing, jumping all over me. And I'm. I'm doing this. And then I start petting her after I put it down and she's like, like, like nuzzling into it, right? Yeah. And then I go to try to put her back in the box after like five or six minutes and she's like crawling toward me. She's like, is with all the strength that she can get. And now I'm like, oh my God. Now I'm in love with Peaches. Now I'm thinking about putting blue in the box and bringing Peaches inside, giving it a massage in a bath. And then the squirrel's now going to live in my house with a little squirrel diaper on. You know what I'm saying? Right? Yeah. It's gonna be our new pet. So, so I put her back down in the box and then my baby and I just stare at it. And then my baby's trying to grab it and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. She starts screaming her full head off because I won't let her grab it. And I'm like, you can't. It's a might filled squirrel. I don't want somebody, some weird squirrel baby disease going on in my house.

[Chrissy]

No, no, no. You've got enough to deal with.

[Brian Green]

I got everything to deal with. I don't. I. There's nothing else you can put on my plate before my body just snaps in half. Literally snaps in half. So the kids come home now. My wife and the kids come home now. Everyone's excited about, we're all standing out. And if anybody had seen us yesterday outside of our porch, they probably would think we're weird. We're all just standing there staring at a box, just like a UPS box. Everyone's like, what's going there? I put this stuffing in there and she starts to nest. She like goes down to the bottom of the box and she curls up and she's trying to take a nap. And so everyone wants to touch the squirrel, but they're all scared of the squirrel. I don't really want to touch him anyway, so whatever. So Aster and I go back and she goes, what are we gonna do? And I go, I guess I'm gonna wake up every two hours and feed it. And she goes, are you insane? And then she goes like this astor like takes a minute, she's doing something in the kitchen. She turns around and she goes, well, let's bring it inside then. And I go, what now? I'm like, are you crazy? You want to bring this squirrel inside? What. What happens if she wakes up and.

[Chrissy]

Jumps out of the box?

[Brian Green]

And then we got a squirrel running around our house? Yeah. It's not domesticated. I've had it for an hour. Like, I don't know what's gonna happen. And she's like, we can't leave it outside. The cat's gonna eat it. And I'm like, I don't even think that thing has enough meat on its bone that the cat wants it. I'm like, I'm not worried about that. We'll, like, tape the box shut and cut some holes in it. Like, it'll be fine. Like, the cat's gonna be. The cat's not gonna worry about it. She goes, well, if we're gonna keep it, we have to bring it inside. And I go, it's got mites all over it. She goes, well, wash it. And I go, give the squirrel a bath. You want me to do a bath? A squirrel bath? No, I'm not doing a squirrel bath.

[Chrissy]

I know that little baby formula well.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Chrissy]

The champagne. Not here.

[Brian Green]

It's sitting on my shoulder. We're doing it. We're in the shower together, singing songs, and it's just, like, dancing along with me.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Meanwhile, my kids are eating. Just raw sugar, running around, peeing on the floor. Blue is gnawing on my toddler's leg, and I'm like, but the squirrel. Happy days are here again. The squirrel didn't die. It's not the end. Hey, buddy. Me and Peaches. Peaches is my new best friend. What? What did you say? Someone's licking the electric socket. Fear not. Peaches is fine. So now I'm googling. How do you get mites off a squirrel? Right? Put some dish soap on it, wash it a couple times. It'll. You know, they'll jump off. But I'm. I'm really against the idea of putting the squirrel. But I think there's an extra bathroom. We. I guess we could lock it in there and put it in the bath and put the. Put the box in it. And what could it do? Yeah, maybe it gets around the bathroom, it does some damage. Whatever. You know, life will go on. So now I'm considering that I'm gonna have to deal with this squirrel for the next couple weeks till I can rehab it and put it in there.

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Brian Green]

Astrid goes, isn't there somewhere someone we can call? And I'm like, who do you. If you Call somebody. They're going to kill the squirrel. That's what, that's what pest control does. But I start Googling, I get on that Reddit form, and wouldn't you know it, I find a list of people who take in wild animals in my area in Georgia. Wow. So I find one that says small mammals, including squirrels. I call. It says, please text me if you're calling me about the wild animals. Please text me some pictures and some information and I'll see if I can do anything about it. So I do. I. I text like six pages worth of, you know, I give her every beat by beat text, three videos, because of course I'm taking videos during this whole thing. Maybe I'll pull one up. It was cute. And she responds an hour later saying, I'm not taking squirrels because it's not. Yeah, I don't. I'm not the. I'm not the expert on. I'm not really an expert on squirrels, but this lady is an expert on squirrels. And text her. I told her you'd be texting her. So I text and she texts right back. And I give her the videos and all that, and she goes, the squirrel has head trauma. You. It needs steroids, pain medication. And warm, like, you know, needs to be loved a little bit. And then we can. It can be rehabbed. I've seen this before. I have three of them right now. Three baby squirrels right now. And I'm thinking, this is the lady. Her picture on the iPhone is a picture of her with two baby squirrels on her leg, like, eating, you know, And I'm like, oh, this is the lady. I found the squirrel. So now. But she is an hour away from my house. So now I gotta put the babies to bed. I gotta put the box in the car with this live squirrel, like, you know, rolling around in the box. Yeah. Swaddled in this box. I gotta drive an hour in the fucking tropical storm to go all the way up there. And I'm texting with this lady the whole time, like, I'm on my way. She's like, great, okay. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it's great. It sounds great. I get to her house an hour away. Now, I don't know that she's not going to, you know, I don't know, assault me or take my money. Astro's all concerned that I'm. I'm walking into a ruse. And I go, what are they gonna take the squirrel? I mean, this is not like I'm not buying something on ebay. Yeah, I didn't get A money order of detail. Yeah, who cares? Like, all right, it's a lady wants a squirrel, he's gonna take. It's either her or us. Which one do you want? Don't have enough on our plate. We got blue. We don't need any more animals. So I get there and I text her, I'm here and I have missed the text with her from her while I'm driving that she went to go get some dinner and please meet her where she's having dinner, so come out and get the squirrel. And I'm like, do they allow squirrels in that restaurant? What are you talking about? And by the way, that restaurant is an additional 20 minutes away from her house. And I'm like. So I start driving to the restaurant now. And then she texts, seven minutes into the drive, nevermind, stay there, I'll come to you. Stay at my house. And I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ, no good deed goes unpunished. I'm driving around this drink eating town in north Georgia, like, trying to, you know, find out. I'm parked in front of the driveway, the neighbors are staring out the window. You know, they're like, I got my flashers on and my lights on. I'm looking at. I'm trying to make sure the squirrel's still alive. And it is, it's like curled up, like, looking at me, and I'm like, I don't have any more food. I don't know what to do with you. So this lady comes finally. Like, I'm sitting there for a half an hour. This lady comes, she opens up the door. Pouring down rain, she opens up the door and she's probably in her mid-60s, I'm gonna imagine. Lovely lady. And she goes, hey. You know, and she has a little carrier with her with like, you know, sawdust on the bottom of that, you know that. Those. Wood shavings. Yeah, wood shavings. And she goes, okay, let me take a look. And I. And then she goes, okay. And the squirrel crawls right on her hand.

[Chrissy]

Really?

[Brian Green]

Yes. Just like slowly claws right in her hand. She takes it, puts it in the carrier, and she goes, it knew. It knew. She goes, my husband and I have been doing this for 30 years. He just passed away three months ago.

[Chrissy]

Oh.

[Brian Green]

And I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. She goes, I. I've done this for a long time. This little guy probably fell and got head trauma.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And that's why it was acting like that. That's why that video that you showed me, his legs were doing that. And that's why he couldn't. He was so weak. He got a pretty serious concussion or something happened to his brain. And I was like, oh, my God, can he be saved? She goes, oh, yeah, no, don't worry about it. She goes, well, she goes, if he's walking right now, he's in good shape. Or she's in good shape. It just needs a little love. It needs some medicine immediately. I know what.

[Chrissy]

She seems like the perfect person.

[Brian Green]

Perfect. And she's like, I'll. And I go, my kids just were falling. And she goes, I'll text you pictures. Yeah, everything will be fine. Everything is great. And I'm like, oh, my God. Why am I not like that? Yes. I'm driving away. All I can think about is, it's all about me. Like, why am I not like that, lady? Why didn't I take the time to get at medicine and take care of it and. And make sure that it was okay? I thought about the first person I could offload it on and then drive away.

[Chrissy]

Well, you're not a squirrel expert.

[Brian Green]

I am not a squirrel expert, but I will be happy to tell everybody. Yes. That pictures were gotten this morning and the squirrel is now with other squirrel babies. And they are. And he. She. He or she is flourishing. Apparently. It was fed through the night. It was warmed up. It was given pain medication and some steroids and is now acting more like a baby squirrel than it was yesterday in my own arms. So I will.

[Chrissy]

Brian, I will save this.

[Brian Green]

I saved the squirrel. So now when I do stupid, like, cancel shows last minute, you know, act like an idiot, say something offensive about a raccoon, talk about blue in a shitty way. Possum. I'm about possum when I talk about possums and how much I dislike them. Or I talk about blue and what an idiot she is. I don't want any more flack because I saved that one squirrel.

[Chrissy]

Yes, you did.

[Brian Green]

That is enough for a lifetime.

[Chrissy]

Good job.

[Brian Green]

How many squirrels have you saved? That's what I want to know. How many squirrels have you saved now? I wonder how many squirrels I'm about to save after this storm.

[Chrissy]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

My pool already overflowed once. It's going to be overflowing and I know it's just going to be full of.

[Chrissy]

Oh, you had just done the treatment.

[Brian Green]

I know, Chrissy. I gave up. I called the pool guy back. I gave up.

[Chrissy]

I gave up white flag.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I did, Astrid. After. I was like, I just can't get it right. She goes, just call the pool guy, they know. Yeah, you're saving yourself 75amonth. What the. And I'm like, we don't have 75amonth. And she goes, you're not in any shape to take care of. Just call the guy.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, it. I'll call the guy. So. But of course, now for the next four days, I have to deal with it being green and full of. Because when it rains like this, the pool overflows. It actually just overflows. Maybe that's a problem, too. Maybe I should call somebody about. Oh, that's the pool guy. All right, More information about live shows coming in 2020, 2025. We hope to have that for you next week, so stay tuned. You should be getting refunds or have already gotten refunds if you bought tickets to the two Florida shows that we had to cancel again. Maya Copa. But we'll take care of ourselves and then we'll be Back to you. 212-433-3822 212 4333. TCB questions, comments, concerns. Ask TCB. Content, ideas. We take them all. We'd love to hear from you. Text us, leave us a voicemail. Email tcbpodcast.com for more information about the show. All the audio, all the video, our entire library right there. You don't have to go to no other person's website. Just go right there. Or you can find us on Instagram at the commercial break if you're so inclined. Tick Tock. Although we do a little less of a good. We don't do a great job on Instagram. We do an even worse job on Tick Tock. But that's TCB podcast on Tick Tock.

[Chrissy]

We just want to follow. You never need to look at it again.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, don't worry about it. Just follow us. Cares. We won't come up. The algorithm depresses our our. So don't worry about it. YouTube.com the commercial break for all of our interviews and selected episodes clips every single day of the week. Oh, man. I think that's all my throat can handle. I know.

[Chrissy]

I can tell.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Chrissy]

Yes, I think so.

[Brian Green]

I love you.

[Chrissy]

I love you.

[Brian Green]

Best to you.

[Chrissy]

Best to you.

[Brian Green]

Best you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time. Chrissy. And I always say. We do say and we must say goodbye, Sam.