Don't Read Our Reviews...

Summary

The Commercial Break – “Don’t Read Our Reviews…” Episode Date: May 30, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley

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Episode Overview

This episode finds Bryan and Krissy in classic irreverent form, riffing on the chaos of family life, the nuances of relationships (especially bodily functions), and the unexpected challenges of dating etiquette. With plenty of banter around farts, dogs, table manners, and the mystery that is parsley, the hosts tackle listener Jenna’s question about whether bad eating habits can be a dealbreaker in dating—with the usual blend of honesty, humor, and playful self-deprecation.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Family Life, Kids, and the Realities of Bodily Functions

• Bryan recounts chaos at home as all his kids suffer from extreme gas after a big lentil meal, leading to a night of “fart storms” and Bryan questioning his domestic universe.
• Funny commentary on children’s gas:
  • "The smell that came out of that young lady's butt was unbelievable. It was crazy." (Brian, 02:26)
  • "If you're farting, you're not dying. Right?" (Brian, 03:10)
• The talk evolves into the inevitability of bodily functions in parenting:
  • "All of that gets thrown out the window because those kids are going to see you and you're going to see those kids. It's part of the growing up process." (Brian, 11:39)

2. When Is It Okay to Fart in Front of Your Partner?

• The hosts debate the “first fart” milestone as a relationship turning point.
  • "The mark of a serious relationship… is when you can do those bodily functions in front of each other and not worry about it." (Brian, 08:35)
• Both share personal anecdotes:
  • Krissy on avoiding farts during intimacy: "No, there's definitely not a time making love." (Krissy, 15:40)
  • Bryan’s awkward experience being farted on during sex: "It was mood killing. I just couldn’t. I started to fake laugh..." (Brian, 17:51)

3. Listener Question: Table Manners as a Dealbreaker

• Jenna asks about being turned off by a new partner’s poor table manners—grabbing his fork “like a caveman” and shoveling food.
• Bryan’s background: Raised with strict manners and further drilled by his ex-mother-in-law.
  • "You do not slop food into your mouth like you're eating out of a pigsty." (Brian, 22:34)
• Both agree that while everyone’s upbringing is different, manners matter, and it’s a fair turnoff.
• Krissy on trying to bring it up: "That's hard to bring up though… Maybe it could be a new activity to do together." (Krissy, 25:30)

4. Dining Out Habits: Food Choices on Dates

• Jenna’s additional concern: Her date orders the “worst thing on the menu” (like a burger at a steak restaurant), then customizes it endlessly.
• Bryan is more forgiving of specific food preferences than eating style:
  • "I'm not blaming them as much for the choices of their food as to the way that they eat it." (Brian, 45:42)
• The hosts reflect on couples’ rituals of always returning to the same familiar restaurants—and the unpredictability of new food choices.

5. Eating Speed Extremes: Too Fast, Too Slow

• Stories about fast eaters (notably men) and painfully slow eaters (a friend who eats one bite every half hour).
• Both agree: You don’t have to match exactly, but “catching the mood” of the table is part of social eating.
  • "If you're out with people, you kind of need to match the speed." (Krissy, 39:32)
• With kids, Bryan’s eating has accelerated: “I’ve sped up my eating since I have children.” (Brian, 37:44)

6. Parsley Rant: Is It the World’s Most Pointless Garnish?

• Bryan goes on an extended, passionate rant questioning why parsley is put on everything.
  • "Why do we need it? For what? For whom? Who is the first person to ask for parsley?" (Brian, 52:31)
• He jokes about “Big Parsley” as an industry of garnish lobbyists, and swears he never notices the taste.
• Krissy pushes back just a little: "Parsley does actually have taste and is part of a good Italian seasoning." (Krissy, 50:33)
• The segment concludes with Bryan threatening trouble with “Big Parsley” and lamenting that he’s a joyless dining companion since he stopped drinking Bud Light.

7. Relationship Recap & Closing

• The hosts circle back: For Jenna, the eating issue may be a relationship dealbreaker if it truly bothers her.
  • "Everything else would have to be great, though." (Krissy, 41:52)
• Bryan’s advice: “You can have a conversation with them, or... just move on to something else. Lots of fish in the sea.” (Brian, 41:08)
• End with podcast business, shoutouts to recent and upcoming guests, and the usual anarchic affection for listeners.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On family chaos:
  "I'm living in some kind of like third hellish universe where I'm broke and stressed out and my tooth hurts and the kids are all farty and the dog won't stop shitting." (Brian, 14:27)

• On manners:
  "You can bestow upon everybody else at the table a little bit of grace by not drooling your food all over your face." (Brian, 22:34)

• On dating dealbreakers:
  "You eat like a monkey who just snorted crystal meth." (Brian, 26:26)

• On parsley:
  "Parsley is the greatest lie ever told in America. I'm sure of it." (Brian, 52:32)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00 – Chaos at Home: Bryan describes the post-lentil “fartpocalypse” with kids.
• 07:46 – First Fart in a Relationship: When you know it’s serious.
• 14:47 – Farting During Sex: The accidental mood killer anecdote.
• 21:11 – Listener Question Intro: Jenna asks about dating and manners.
• 22:34 – Table Manners Deep Dive: Why manners are important.
• 25:30 – How to Address Bad Manners: Could an etiquette class work?
• 36:13 – Bad Table Manners in Business: The thousand-dollar suit guy.
• 39:32 – Eating Speeds: Stories about fast and slow eaters.
• 45:42 – Ordering “the Wrong Thing”: Judging food choice vs. eating style.
• 50:29 – The Great Parsley Rant: Why does this garnish exist?
• 53:45 – Wrapping Up: Advice to Jenna, podcast housekeeping.

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Tone, Style, and Vibe

• Loose, cheeky, and self-aware: The hosts’ dynamic is casual and improvisational, heavy on friendly mockery and absurd tangents.
• Candid and relatable: Topics veer from the bodily to the mundane, but always grounded in personal experience.
• Playfully irreverent: No subject is too unpolished; every “gross” moment is mined for laughs.

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In Short:
Catch this episode for unfiltered relationship advice, tales of domestic chaos, etiquette questions you never thought to ask, and possibly the definitive anti-parsley manifesto. All delivered with the Commercial Break’s characteristic energy, camaraderie, and a sincere undercurrent of “we’re all in this together.”

Transcript

[Brian Green]

My biggest problem is how can I do as little work as possible at this point, I'm clocking in only seven minutes of actual work a day. I look busy all day. I'm constantly typing. I'll just go to other computers that nobody uses and put a floppy disk in and go, yeah, this one's running. This one's running hot. On this episode of the commercial break, I remember that at the radio station that we had some version of that too. Like, you know, I don't know.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Daily deal.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. 92.7 daily deal. You know, two for one. Hot air balloons. Rides with Bob's hot air balloon. Bob's insurance covered the last accident. Bob's. We were cleared of any wrongdoing.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Bob's don't look at our reviews.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is the Swift to my Kelsey, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best you, Chris.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Bestie.

[Brian Green]

Brian, Best to you out there in the podcast universe. How the hell are you? Thanks for joining us again. I gotta tell you, my house has been a little bit of a, like, I don't know, like a landmine zone here in the last 24 hours. And I don't know what happened, but everyone has the ass. Everyone is farting up a storm. And apparently it has to do with some lentils. Some tainted lentils that went around.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The lentils.

[Brian Green]

Oh my God. Chrissy.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I love. I saw them eating, yes. The lentils yesterday.

[Brian Green]

I luckily stayed away from lentils.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I love lentils.

[Brian Green]

I like them. I just didn't have them yesterday. I just didn't have them. And so this Noemi who comes here and helps with the kids and stuff. Yes, she made up, cooked up wonderful lentils. She's a wonderful cook. Noemi and Astrid, they're wonderful cooks and wonderful chefs. If, if you will, chef. I don't mean to say cook. It's a chef. They're making it with love and beauty and mixing all kind of stuff together. And so yesterday afternoon, it's lentils for the 14 to 15 kids. And then at night it's like this hot dog rice combination, but not like normal hot dogs, like little sausages, tiny little sausages. You buy them at whole Foods or whatever. They're delicious. I'll show you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Like the little Vienna sausages.

[Brian Green]

Not Vienna, cuz that sounds like something you would out instantaneously.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I used to love those when I.

[Brian Green]

Was can of Viennas. Really?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

When I was a kid.

[Brian Green]

Seriously. Oh, God, I couldn't even look at the slime that was in there. I was like, oh, that's slime.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I don't like them now, but I did.

[Brian Green]

No, God bless. You shouldn't like Viennas in your adulthood. That's just not a thing. It's like sardines or whatever they call them on me or Caesar Sal. Drives me crazy. Anyway, so I see them eating the lentils, and then we go. Then the hot dogs for dinner, and I'm like, oh, okay. You know, I go to give the kids baths, and one of the kids, I'm like, taking her pants down, you know, like, trying to get them undressed to get in the bath. And. And I was like, whoa, geez, settle down there. You know, she's laughing. She thinks it's funny. And I'm like, fart. Fart. I just. The smell that came out of that young lady's butt was unbelievable. It was crazy. And so I was like, okay. You all right? Everyone's got gas. It means your stomach's working in the right direction.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

If you're farting, you're not dying. Right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right. Churning and working.

[Brian Green]

Then I got, like, six kids in the bath, and it turns into, like, a sauna in there. The kids are just farting left and right. It was. I was floored at how much air was coming out of their stomachs. And it was. They're all laughing. It's bubbling up. The smell is disgusting. I'm like, I got to get out of here. This is gross, guys. What did you have? And then. So now they're all bathed, and I put. Start putting their clothes on. And I'm like, this. You have to go to the. You have to go a. You got a. You got to go to the. You got to go poop. No, Daddy, I don't have to poop. What's going on with your butt? I don't know. It's making noises. And I was like, yeah, it's making lots of noises. The baby is literally. She's got one of those little toys where she pushes herself around. She's literally, like, going on air power just ACR Back and forth down the hallway. Yeah. Swear to God, it sounded like that. Jensen, remember the Jetsons?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

And they had that noise when they flew around. She was just happy as a clam. She thought it was the most. The funniest thing ever. So then. Okay. All right, guys. Everyone settle their asses down. Let's try. Let's try and get through a night. I wake up one of the kids is sleeping with me. I wake up in the middle of the night, and I am, holy shit, what is that smell? I thought for sure blue pooped on the floor. For sure, blue pooped on the floor. Like, get up. I'm aggravated already. You should see me. You should see the state I get in when Blue poops. Blue pooped in this studio yesterday.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No.

[Brian Green]

And I thought my head was going to pop off of my shoulders. Those kids ran into a different room. They knew what was coming. They knew. Daddy doesn't yell much, but this is what daddy is about to lose his over the. Because it was one of my kids that noticed it. The studio doors open, all like, you know, all 30 kids are walking down the hallway because I'm trying to herd him into a bedroom so I could, I don't know, tell them something or watch a movie or whatever. And one of the kids stops, looks in my studio, and she goes, oh, Daddy. And I knew instantly, I knew exactly what had happened. And I was like, blue. Blue is hiding somewhere. And all those kids ran. They just ran. They just shot off in a different direction. I know, I know, I know. There are audience members who get upset when I. When I angrily talk about Blue.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The dog.

[Brian Green]

The dog. I know. You're probably like, leave that poor dog alone. I don't hit the dog. No, I'm not hitting.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, no.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

There's never been abused.

[Brian Green]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Nothing like that. I'm. I'm way too much of a pussy to do any of that. I don't hit people. I don't hit anything because I'm afraid it's gonna hit back. And I just don't want that kind of drama. The dog sleeps at my feet. I feed the dog, the dog gets treats. The truth is, the dog is a very spoiled dog. And it's at my hand that it's as much bitching as I do. I'm just bitching because if you had a dog that never stopped barking or. Or pissing in your house, you would also find some level of frustration.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

But I gotta be honest, when I came in here to clean up the, you know, the droppings of my little rat that lives in this house, when I came in here, I couldn't tell the difference because as the kids were running away, they were literally pooting all the way down the hallway. And so finally I told Astrid, hey, babe, there's a lot of gas in this ass. There's a lot of gases in those asses. And I'm not sure, maybe there's Maybe there's, like, a virus going around. We should be mindful of this. I'm always feeling like I need to tell Astrid something about how our children are some kind of imminent doom. And she's like, they had lentils for lunch. And I was like, lentils? Lentils.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Cause that legume.

[Brian Green]

Does it. Does it really affect your stomach like that?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It can, yeah.

[Brian Green]

I don't know. I've had a lot of lentils, and I don't remember being that pooty. I mean, they were just pooting left and right.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It kind of depends, I think, on maybe what you had. What, your what, stomach state.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You were already in. Well, put the lentils.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. When you put Vienna sausages and broccoli on top of them, Right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Broccoli.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. I mean, it's. This morning, it seems like it calmed down a little bit, which I'm really happy about. But we were in the car waiting for Chrissy. I had to pick her up from the car shop. We were in the car waiting, and. And I just heard a. And I look and I'm like, okay, yes. Who farted? And no one would admit to it because they were. I think they were afraid I was going to yell at them. But listen, farting is part of life. You got to get it out. It's one of those things.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Human body.

[Brian Green]

It's one of those things, you know, that the relationship is getting serious. When you can fart around the other person. That first fart that comes out, we all know it. We've all been there. We've all been in that relationship.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's usually an accident, too. Kind of like, yeah, whoops. And then you both laugh.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And then, you know, it's okay. But if the other person, like, is.

[Brian Green]

If the other person gets turned off.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Then that's not a good, healthy.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I told you that. I. I had learned. I had trained my body to hold in farts. And when I was good for you, I know it wasn't because it tore up my stomach. I'm telling you what, the next morning, I'd be writhing in pain. I'd be like, yes, but I trained my body. Just don't let it out. Just don't let it go anywhere. Now I'm like, let it fly, kid. I don't care. I'll be at church. And I'm like, I actually don't go to chur. But if I did go to church, I would fart. But I always thought that the mark of a serious relationship, the mark of when things are getting serious is when you can do those bodily functions in front of each other and not worry about it. I never forget when I was a kid. Oh, you want to do story time with Brian?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Let's do it.

[Brian Green]

Okay, story time with Brian. So when I was 12 or 13 years old, I was. Played a lot of soccer when I was a kid. So I had a soccer coach. That soccer coach had a son on the team. That son on the team. He was probably, wait, probably clocking in at about 205 at 12 or 13 years old. Big, big boy, right. I think that's why his dad was the coach, so that he could make sure that his son got. Because he wasn't the best soccer player. He wasn't very athletic or any athletic at all. Not like I was. I was, trust me, I got less playing time than his son did. But, but anyway, nice guys, we hung around them for a while. And his dad had Playboys out in the open. I think I've mentioned this before. His dad had Playboys out in the open. His mom knew about the Playboys. The Playboys oftentimes would be accessed by us without any drama. The dad would just be like, if you're curious, go look. You know, which is weird, but, you know, okay. I look back on it now and I think there was probably something weird going on. But I didn't spend enough time with them to really know, so I wasn't that concerned. I think I spent the night over there once or twice. I don't remember anything weird happening. But anyway, so. So these, there were these Playboys and they would just pass them around. This, this family was very open about everything as a point of the.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The conversation about bodies and sexuality.

[Brian Green]

About everything.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Which can be good. Oh, about everything.

[Brian Green]

About everything. The mom, when she would cook breakfast or lunch or if we'd be over there with snacks, the mom would always inevitably start up a conversation about something having to do with sex or body parts. Oh, wow. Yeah. Thinking back on it, maybe this was a little weird. Actually. Now I'm having some unprocessed trauma coming out here on this show.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's what we do here at the show.

[Brian Green]

She said to us unprompted, she said to us one time, kids, the secret, the keys to a long lasting relationship. The secret to a long lasting relationship is to never in front of each other. That's what she said, never in front of each other. Now I think that's good. Good in theory, but I'm not sure it's, it's absolutely Ironclad in practice.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Well, generally, yes. I don't know. Anybody likes to. In front of somebody else, that would be weird. That in and of itself would cause red flags. That's unprocessed trauma. Right.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You at least close the door.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But when you, even if the person's in the next room, even if they're.

[Brian Green]

Right next door to you, you close the door so that they don't have to hear all your comings and goings. I mean, that's a big sloppy mess in there and who knows what's going on and stomachs can be upset. You know, I don't need to tell you, you're human. You' You've had a bad once in a while. You know, it's like, God, I hope no one's on the other end of that door. We've all been in that public bathroom when we're just dying inside.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

We're praying that nobody can hear us or smell us. But when you have children, all of that gets thrown out the window because those kids are going to see you and you're going to see those kids. It's part of the growing up process. Like I said, there is no preloaded software on those children. You have to wipe them because that's what you have to do. You have to teach them how to wipe, right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

So it's sometimes when, you know, you get involved in the daily activities of the children, like wiping their asses, you start to understand who they are as a person based on the smells that come out of them. Right. You're like, oh, that I don't know about you, but I will never forget as a child, my dad's stank. My dad's stank was a defining stank. It was like a fingerprint. I know that stank. I know where it comes from. I smelled it often because we were children and we would run into the bathroom when my dad was, you know, and my dad would get the out of here, you know, five minutes of privacy, blah, blah, blah. But you would smell the stank. And I know that it's, it is embedded into my head. And if today someone came around with a jar of farts, I would be able to identify my dad based solely on his ass. That's it, my dad's ass. I'd be able to identify him. And so you start, there's like a little fingerprint that goes along with that smell. And few of my children, I don't know what dead animals are inside of them, but they are like full grown adults. With their stomachs. It's unreal to me. I'm like, where is that? You know when you first have kids and they start pooping, like the day that they're born, you know?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

What comes out of them is not poop. It's like a little tarry, like, substance. It doesn't.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Sure. Because it's liquid that you're going in.

[Brian Green]

It's like unprocessed cholesterol or something like that. Right. It's just a little bit of whatever. I forgot to call them, like melcoman or something. Malcolm. Malcolm. They call it a thing. And for the first five days, that's what they process. They process whatever has they've been ingesting in the womb. And then they. But there's no. There's not really a smell to it. It's not stinky. And then like for the first six months of their life, there's, you know. Yeah, they stink a little bit here and there, but generally it's just milk. So it doesn't really smell all that bad. By the time they turn six months old, Chrissy, they are just. This is why I can't change my children. I can't do it. When there's a poop, I always look at Astrid and I'm like, please do this for me, please, because I'm gonna throw up on myself. Yes. And so when the entire house is smelling like a rotten ass, I just can't take it. And then my dog is adding on top of it. It's really, really obnoxious, actually. I'm living in some kind of like third hellish universe where I'm broke and stressed out and my tooth hurts and the kids are all farty and the dog won't stop shitting.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. It's like a parallel universe.

[Brian Green]

It is a parallel universe.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

But how do I shift back to that other universe?

[Christina]

You can't.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You got to get on the show. Dark Matter.

[Brian Green]

Dark Matter. Oh, here we go again with Dark Matter. Haven't watched it. Don't know. It do have. When you. Do you remember the first time you farted in front of Jeff?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I don't know if I remember like the first time, but I remember, like a time.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I remember this morning when I was like, hey, Jeff, pull my finger.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, I generally try not to do that.

[Brian Green]

Chrissy's like, I'll be back.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I think I was laughing.

[Brian Green]

I'm going to water the weeds. Chrissy goes outside to do some gardening. Yeah. And she just lets it fly. Jeff's like, it's 26 degrees and snowing. It's okay, honey. It'll be spring before you know it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I gotta get the mulch. I gotta get ready.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God. That's, that's too funny. I could see you, like, hiding in corners around the house. I'll be back in a minute. Hey, we're in the middle of something here. You and Jeff are making love, and you're like, I'll be back. I gotta go water the roses.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, no, there's definitely not a time making love.

[Brian Green]

Oh, now, well, then you haven't lived. No, but you haven't lived if you haven't been farted on during sex.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, I, I know I have not.

[Brian Green]

No, I didn't say you did. I, I, I, I, I bet it's happened. You may just not have been aware of it. You may have been in the throes of passion. I mean, that's, that's, you know, you're letting loose. You're just letting everything fly. You're in weird positions. You're letting everything fly. Don't tell me a fart hasn't come out during sex, because I know it has. You may not be aware of it, but it has. I know it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

I could wind back the loop on all of your lovemaking sessions. I know I would hear a fart somewhere in there. Not from you, maybe, but from your partner.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

All right, well, I haven't known it.

[Brian Green]

What's that?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I said I have not known it to happen.

[Brian Green]

I want you to carry a notebook with you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And note it.

[Brian Green]

We should note our farts. We should do that. We should write note. We should write notes and then we'll put it on our show notes. Here's the exact.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You start. I've never farted in the studio either.

[Brian Green]

No, I haven't either. Yeah, no, not while you're here, at least. Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's. I spend lots of time. Yeah. It's a courtesy to everybody in this small godforsaken studio of ours. We just gotta keep it clean. Yeah, okay. I'm not gonna tell the story. I was gonna tell the story, but I'm not gonna tell. I'm gonna save someone some embarrassment. I'm not gonna tell this, okay, but I have definitely been farted on during sex. It has definitely happened. And it was not. It was mood killing. I'm just gonna say. Yeah, mood killing. And it. And I couldn't go on. I just couldn't. No, that's what I started to fake laugh, you know, because it was a funny Moment, I started to fake list lots of noises during sex. And a lot of them could probably be mistaken for farts, but this was truly and surely a fart. Because what came after the funny noise was then a smell that was undeniable. Right. And that smell, because I'm so sensitive to smells, I laughed, but it was a fake laugh. Just to, like, lighten the mood. Not to lighten the mood. To give myself a rip cord.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right. Okay.

[Brian Green]

Essentially, so that I could explain while I was quickly gaining a softie and gonna run out of the room. It was gross. It was just gross. I was like, oh, God, Yeah. You couldn't have held that until, like, you know, later on tonight when I was sleeping and headed out the balcony for a minute or something.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Or at least go to the bathroom.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I think that's, like, a good principle, that is that when you're. At least when you're first dating somebody is excuse yourself and go to the bathroom, even if you have to embarrassingly admit that that's what you were doing. Like, hey, I had some bad gas and so I went into the bathroom.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Exactly.

[Brian Green]

I think I'd take that any day.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Of the week rather than experience.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I dated this girl one time. And. And. And obviously, I'm not the name, but I dated this girl one time, and it wasn't like date number two. And we were on my couch watching a movie, and she literally lifted up her leg. It was like. And I. I. Well, thanks.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

How.

[Brian Green]

And what do you say? It was like.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

All right. She was used to doing that.

[Brian Green]

And I. I didn't know what to say. I really didn't know what to say. I thought, wow. Well, part of me felt like I shouldn't say anything. This is a liberated woman who just feels like she. She can do whatever, you know, she should do whatever she needs to do whenever she needs to do it. And. And I can appreciate that. But then part of me thought, no, Brian, there are some simple guide rails that you have to put on dating. And one of them is, let's not fart until, like, the 50th date. 50th date. Then you get comfortable enough to lift up your leg and fart. But date number two, Ask me how long I dated that girl. No, more on and off for three and a half years.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Something about the liberation.

[Brian Green]

Something about that liberation. Something about the liberation of the ass just made me so happy. And. And I hope you're listening to this during your breakfast.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Good morning. Good morning. With commercial break. During your love making this is why we can never have a morning show on radio. No, it's because Brian's mind works. Hambone and Hoadley, which we. I want to do another episode of Hambone and Hoadly, by the way.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We should.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, we're going to. So. All right. Okay, listen, let's take a break and then we'll be back. I got something interesting to talk to you. As if, as if morning farts wasn't enough to get you going, I got something else to talk to you about.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Great.

[Brian Green]

All right, we'll be back.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

What?

[Christina]

Oh, hi, it's Christina again here to remind you to go to tcbpodcast.com for all things audio, video and TC video. Give us a follow on Instagram, hecommercial break and on TikTokcbpodcast. And guess what? We have a new phone number. I know what you're thinking, but I promise this is the last TCB phone number you will ever have to remember. So call us and leave us a voicemail or text us at 212-4333, TCB. Once more for the people in the back. That's 212-4333, TCB. Oh, and check out our YouTube [e-mail] the commercial break. That's all for now. Let's listen to our sponsors and get back to the show.

[Brian Green]

Okay. So Jenna in our audience, I'm going to do an Ask TCB next week.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We're going to have to discuss that.

[Brian Green]

But I want to throw out this because it made me think and it kind of piggybacks off. We were talking about with dating Jenna from our audience. Hi. Jenna wants to know how we feel about tableside manners when it comes to dating somebody. Tableside manners and being turned off by how someone eats or what they eat during the initial courting phase of the relationship. Now, here's my take on this. My parents drilled manners into my head. Drilled it into my head. And then my former mother in law, my ex's mom, taught me how to eat like a French person.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And so now she was literally Miss Manners.

[Brian Green]

Literally, Miss Manners had that. Got that book. What is that book? Emily something or other. Emily Post. She had that book in her house. She was all about tableside manners, like prim and proper eating, where you put the spoons in the forks and she knew where all the spoons and the forks went. And she made sure I knew where all the spoons and the forks went before I ever met any of the additional family members. She wanted to make sure she wasn't you know, she made me change my Birkenstocks and she made me learn manner. But I did appreciate that at that time in my life I had already, I think been a well mannered human being. But now I learned like I took it up a notch.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right, exactly.

[Brian Green]

Now I'm not expecting everyone's going to eat French style. I mean, you know, with French manners I'm not, I think that's probably taking it, I think I take it too far quite frankly. But I do teach my kids manners too. I want them to know please and thank you. Yeah. Are two of the most important words you can use. And you do not slop food into your mouth like you're eating out of a pigsty. It's just not the right thing to do. Or at least in my opinion it's not the proper thing to do. You can, you can bestow upon everybody else at the table a little bit of grace by not drooling your food all over your face. That's just a thing, you know, Wipe your mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what Jen is asking and the reason why Jen is asking. There's a bigger story to this and I'm not going to share all of it but the bigger story to this is she is dating a gentleman and the first couple of dates were non food related dates. So she said they just went for like ice cream one time and then they were at a movie and then they went to see a concert and then they went to some kind of festival or something. And then on the fourth or fifth date they went and had dinner like a proper sit down dinner. First of all, that's weird. Why wouldn't you know it took five dates to eat something that's.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I know, yeah.

[Brian Green]

This seems like a go to, but she said that she was very turned off by the manner in which the gentleman ate. That he was otherwise a good looking dude who seemed like he had his together and then he grabbed his fork like this and was like slopping it into his mouth, you know what I'm saying? He took the whole hand and wrapped it around the fork and then just kind of shoveled the food in. Now I don't know, everybody grows up differently and everybody has different parents and I don't know what turn up truck this guy fell off of but at the end of the day I don't appreciate. I mean it's, I'm not going to think you're a bad human being if.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You shovel food, but it would be.

[Brian Green]

A turn off, certainly would be a Turn off. I also don't know that that's who I would marry. Right. I wouldn't want to date them for a long period of time because I think I would be turned off by that type of eating.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right. Because throughout then the rest of your life, you, there's going to be lots of eating situations. Could be with, with office people, could.

[Brian Green]

Family.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Family, obviously. Friends.

[Brian Green]

Friends.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I mean, yeah.

[Brian Green]

Sister, wife, you never know.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And I don't know that that's, that's hard to also like say, hey, what are you doing?

[Brian Green]

I mean, yeah, like, like that's not.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Something I don't think you can wait on to change.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Hey, darling, you're eating like a real. You mind if I change that for you? Because I don't know how old Jenna is, but by the time you're dating, you're living on your own and you're dating, let's assume she's in her 20s or 30s. By the time you're on, on your own and dating, you might, you know, old dogs, new tricks. That's. Yes, it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks. And when you're used to eating with your entire hand and just shoveling food into your mouth, it's probably going to take a lot of horse breaking in order to get that right in there. I agree with you here, Jenna. I, I can see why you're turned off by it. And I don't know, you could ask him to take an etiquette class. They have them out there, they're available.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, that's hard to bring up though. Maybe you could do. Maybe it could be a new activity to do together.

[Brian Green]

Let's.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Let's go to this eating class. You mean like a cooking class? No, no, no, no. It's where we learn how to eat. No, no, but there's gonna be delicious food too.

[Brian Green]

And there's 17 six year old. Honey, I've got a fantastic date for you tonight. Listen, I'm gonna drop you off at East West Middle School and you're gonna go in there, you're gonna come back and change. Man, if you want to hit this, you gotta get that. You know what I'm saying? You gotta learn how to put that fork in your hand, honey.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I mean, that's gonna be tough.

[Brian Green]

Jenna, if you like him enough, if.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You do like him enough, and this.

[Brian Green]

Is a big enough turnoff, this is not like trying to ask somebody to change their personality for you. Right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

Please stop. You know, know playing golf so much. Like, that's, that's not Something that I think is. I mean, please stop playing golf so much. Okay, but please stop playing golf, because I don't like small white balls. Right. I. I don't know. But that's one thing. Hey, I have an idea that could help us both, because quite frankly, you eat like a monkey who just snorted crystal meth. And I don't appreciate.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Maybe there's a group on.

[Brian Green]

There's a group on for that. Chrissy will find it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know.

[Brian Green]

He's the only person still on Groupon. Chrissy's the last.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I used to love the Groupons until they started going really bad I've ever had. Jeff and I were first dating. I was like, look, I got these massages for us, you know, and we drive, like all the way out somewhere. I didn't realize it was far away. And then the massages were terrible. Just. Just spreading oil. And then took a cell phone call in the middle of the massage. Oh, I was like, it was like a couple's massage too. So Jeff was next to me, and so I was like, okay, maybe I need to be done with the group on.

[Brian Green]

When they said couples massage, they meant, come on, Jeff, we'll be a couple for an hour. I'll whack you off and you'll be gone. When you showed up, they were like, oh, we really got a massage. That Groupon was a thing for a minute, wasn't it?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, yeah, it was hot.

[Brian Green]

Remember, we tried to.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It was like a painting class.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Pottery massage. Oh, God, it was everything.

[Brian Green]

I mean. Yeah, they all. Most of them went bad.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Unless it was just like, you know, two for one margaritas at Chili's or something like that. Right. Half price margaritas at Chili's. Anything service based went sideways. Because the people hated you. The second you said you had a Groupon, they were like, fudge you. There's no money in this. I can't believe I got roped into this. Now I owe Group on $1 million. They're never going to let me out of the contract. These things live forever. Yeah, it was a miserable thing. Thing. And I don't. Is Groupon still around?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I don't know.

[Brian Green]

Are they a thing anymore?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I don't know. But remember, all, like, living social. I think was another one. All of the. These competitors, they all popped up real.

[Brian Green]

Quick, and they all went away just as quick.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, because a lot of the places went out of business.

[Brian Green]

Yes, some places did go out of business. That's correct. And I'm sure, like Shirley's etiquette school Was one of them. Two for one. And she got a bunch of Jenna's boyfriends down there with Gronson. Yeah, yeah, I. I remember that at the radio station that. We had some version of that, too. Like, you know, I don't know.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Daily deal.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. 92.7 daily deal. You know, two for one. Hot air balloons. Rides with Bob's hot air balloons. Bob's insurance covered the last accident. Bobs. We were cleared of any wrongdoing.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Bob's don't look at our reviews.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Bob's. It don't look so great, but it flies.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Don't mind this helium take we got at Party City.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Jenna, I. I don't know what to tell you here. This is a. This is a good one, but a weird one. And I don't know, it's a hard one because you're only a couple of dates in.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I mean, if, like, everything else is great. Everything else is great, then maybe you could also give it another shot. Yeah, maybe he was just testing you to see if you really liked him.

[Brian Green]

That's it. That's true.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

By slopping up his food and saying if she liked. This is a test.

[Brian Green]

You know, there was that one. That one show. Which reality? 90 Day Fiance, where the girl came. This guy was an entrepreneur, a real estate entrepreneur in Atlanta. Which is like saying there's a pine tree in Atlanta. Everybody's a real estate entrepreneur in Atlanta. Yes, yes. A music producer, a real estate entrepreneur, hip hop mogul. I mean, everybody. An actor, an actress, whatever. Yeah, it's like, you know, it's not real. Everyone has three titles, including me, so don't worry about it. Yeah, I'm throwing stones in a glass house on purpose. So, you know, the truth is this guy is a. This guy was a. What was I saying? He's. He was a real estate entrepreneur. That's actually so accurate. It's.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know, I know. You were one for a while.

[Brian Green]

I was. I was. It's true. I was a real estate.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I think I tried to help you in your entrepreneur.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you did.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I was your assistant.

[Brian Green]

But Chrissy smartly got out within six months. I stayed in for 10 years. I forgot where I was going with real estate entrepreneur. I was talking about manners.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You said 90 day fiance.

[Brian Green]

Oh, 90 day fiance. Okay. Yeah, guys. A real estate entrepreneur in Atlanta. Yes, of course. Like everybody, but. So one of his things was the girl coming from South Africa or wherever she was coming from to be his 90 day fiance. He was concerned she was going to want his money.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

So what he did is he. Instead of taking her, picking her up in the airport in his house.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I saw that.

[Brian Green]

Did you see that one? Yes. He picks her up in some, like, 1992 Chevy with a wheel falling off of it that he borrowed from Brian, his friend in the real estate business.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes, correct.

[Brian Green]

He's also a famous podcaster, So guy picks him. So instead of all the shiny toys in the big house, he basically picks her up in a shitty car and brings her to one of his investment properties that he just bought that basically looks like some. Something straight out of A E's horse.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, no, I think it was like his.

[Brian Green]

His grandma's house or something.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Grandmother'.

[Brian Green]

But he was going to fix it up, right? It was a terrible.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She was shocked.

[Brian Green]

She was shocked to her credit, because I would have gotten back on the plane. I am not that shallow of a person, but I don't care. I would have gotten back on the plane.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, this was before because leading up to this, he was flashy with his, you know, he was watches and his.

[Brian Green]

Stuff, but he never did that with her. He would always, like, take the FaceTime phone calls against a white wall so she can never see his house. He was really overthinking this way too much. He was basically scamming her. I mean, opposite scamming her. He was like reverse scamming her. So anyway, so she shows up and then, you know, and she's like, whatever. And this goes on for like two weeks before he. He eventually says, oh, no, this is my multi million dollar. Yeah, I just want to make sure you weren't in it for the money. And she was like, of course I was the entire time. Right.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She's kind of like you, because that was mean.

[Brian Green]

Right, Exactly.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And also, we're supposed to be getting married. Married?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. You're $58 million in debt. You know, you pick me up in your Chevy. El Dorado or whatever it is. It's not even an El Dorado. It's an El Dorado. So the point is, Jenna, maybe he's trying to test you a little bit. Could be. I mean, you guys didn't eat for four or five maybe. Either he's testing you, or he also knows how bad his table manners are. And he said, I want to avoid eating until she gets to know me a little bit. Bit. Listen, you. You know, truth and transparency. My. I. I've said this forever, and I believe it to my core. You can say anything to anyone. It's all about how you say it. That's it. You can say anything, anyone. It just depends on how you're saying it. If you come at somebody witchy, you know, witchy and bitchy, then it's likely you're not going to get the response you're looking for. If you say it with kindness and then say, I'm holding space for that, you could basically get away with anything. Just say, I'm holding space for that.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Holding space.

[Brian Green]

I've got so much space for that. So just go to him, Jenna, and you say, hey, Rick or Morty or whatever your fucking name is, Renner Stimpy, you say, hey, listen, I think you're a great dude and I think there's potential here. I like you. We've seen each other a number of times. I think there's, I think we can go with this. I think we can do this. But I'm a little turned off by the way that you're eating. It's not probably your fault, but I would love to see if I can help you manner up a little bit when it comes to the dinner time exploits. So what we're going to do is we're going to play strip manners. I'm going to take, I'm going to take a piece of clothing off every time you eat correctly. Well, every time you set your fork down correctly after you're eating. I went out to eat with one of these dates, dudes. I was, I, I was also a real estate entrepreneur.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes, you are.

[Brian Green]

Developers are a weird bunch of dudes. They come from all different. And girls, they come from all different walks of life. Some of them super successful, some of them tell you they're super successful. Some of them are clearly never going to make a dime in the business, but they're trying anyway. God bless you, whatever it is you choose to do. I was at a dinner with a real successful entrepreneur, real estate guy like I, that builds like, you know, 40 story buildings and makes money off of it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And the ones you like to go.

[Brian Green]

Up in the elevator, that's exactly who I was with. Yes. The one I went up to the construction elevator with and I went out to dinner with him and his team and some other people associated with other entrepreneurs, other entrepreneur, real estate people, which was all of Atlanta. We all went to Hal's, Pookie and Snooky or whatever their names are, Pookie and Pat. And so we're, we're. I'm sitting across from a financier and a private equity guy who is doing private equity funding, some of, you know, funding equity into these buildings and he was shoveling food in his mouth. He was wearing a thousand dollar suit and he was shoveling food into his mouth like he had literally, literally been born yesterday. He was like he was chewing his steak with his mouth open. He had food coming down the side of his mouth.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

He stuffed his, his napkin into his shirt. Yes. I'm not even kidding you. Not even kidding you. Well, he had the thousand dollar suit. I thought to myself, pay a thousand dollars to get some manners. Just do that.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I, I couldn't even get it dry clean.

[Brian Green]

Chrissy, this is how I had the, I had the conversation with him. Like I have conversations with you as I'm staring straight ahead, but you're next to me. You know what I'm saying? I never look at you. Once I did because I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle the shoveling of the food in the mouth. Had not all the noises married. I don't know. I didn't ask him. I don't care. Probably not. Yeah. I don't know. The only thing I remember about that dinner is the dude who shoveled food in his mouth. That's the only thing I remember. That's how, that's how important I think it is. I mean, listen, I get, I get it. It takes all kinds. And again, you're not a bad person because you shovel food in your mouth. That doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't discount you. I just may not want to want to eat with you. I just may not want to.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

What about like a really fast eater? I remember I was out to lunch one time. Guilty was, oh yeah, guys do it. I think a lot.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And I'm not to say I'm like a super slow eater, but I'm a normal. I think I'm a normal eater. I remember going out to lunch with time with this guy that I worked with and I turned around and I mean, we had just ordered and like just gotten the food. I turned around that talking to somebody else. Turn back around, it's gone.

[Brian Green]

Really?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

All of it.

[Brian Green]

I was like, whoa, yeah, that's a little fast. That's way fast. I speed up my eating. I've sped up my eating since I have children.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, right.

[Brian Green]

I've been saying this for however many years I've had kids. One of these days I'm gonna have a normal meal again. I'm gonna actually be able to sit down and eat my meal in peace. Every parent knows this. You cannot eat in peace when you have small children at all. Because the second you put your butt in the chair, they want something else.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yep.

[Brian Green]

And the second you put your butt back in the chair, the next one needs the same exact thing that you just got. It'll be like, daddy, I'm thirsty. Can I have some water? Sure, son. Let me get you some water. You get up, you get the water. Everybody in the kitchen knows exactly what you're doing. And then you sit back down and put the water down. And then my daughter goes, daddy, I need some water. Why didn't you ask me when you got up with Matthias?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I didn't need it.

[Brian Green]

I didn't need it then. I wasn't thirsty, though.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know.

[Brian Green]

It's so terrible.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It is a rotating thing of what people need.

[Brian Green]

It's so. I know, but fast eating, I do. My dad used to tell me, he said, slow down, son. It's not going anywhere. And I think when you're in a big family, sometimes you eat a lot so you can get to second. You know, fill yourself up so you can get the second. So you can get more food. You know, it's like a psychological thing that goes on, eating fast as long as you're eating with manners, whatever. Okay, cool. On the other hand. Hand. On the other hand, I did. I do have a friend and we so dislike going out to eat with her because it will take her seven and a half hours to eat the appetizer. The appetizer. And then forget about the real meal. And everyone heads, basically everyone heads. Hangs their head in total misery if the dessert menu comes out because we all know we're here till 3 o' clock in the morning. Morning. She doesn't care about being the last one in the restaurant. She doesn't care that half her plate isn't finished and there's nobody in the restaurant and the sun is coming up from yesterday. I mean, no, she doesn't care. She doesn't care. She eats so slow. A bite every half an hour. I can't take it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, if you're out with people, you kind of need to match the, the, the speed.

[Brian Green]

She doesn't get it. She does not get it. She does not get it. And I love her to death. I love her, love her, love her. Please eat. How about a. How about a forkful every five minutes? That's still eating pretty fucking slow, but at least we're getting there. At least we're going somewhere. One every half an hour. And I don't even think I'm. I'm kidding here. If I brought Astrid in right now, she Would tell you the same thing. If I said the name off air and I said, how does she eat? She would go, oh, my God, I hate eating. She eats so slow. We have kids. We don't want to spend our entire time away from our children with the baby stuff that we're paying money for for. To watch you take one bite every two days.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, no, you should definitely catch the mood, because once you're there, then in.

[Brian Green]

The middle of the meal, you can't then say, oh, we. We gotta go while someone's still eating their.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know their food.

[Brian Green]

I'm good at Irish goodbyes, but I have manners, so I know. At least finish the main course before you say goodbye. If you bail out on a dessert every once in a while, okay. I'm not gonna think ill of you. Right? Right. But if I don't. I haven't even eaten half of my steak, and you're already out the door. That's rude. I feel rude. But it took you seven hours to get there. You literally ate that first bite of food that you ate. You probably have to shit out right now. It's already digested. You're out of.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Made its way.

[Brian Green]

I'm already smelling the steak poots from your first bite because your body's already processed it. Please eat faster. So here's the point, Jenna. As we go to break break. My point is you can have a conversation with them, or there's lots of fish in the scene. You can just move on to something.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I think I would. I would try another meal and see if that's. If the same thing happened.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And also gauge it. Is this the last meal, or are we gonna work on this?

[Brian Green]

Is this the last supper? Are we gonna rise again and, you know, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. I agree with Chrissy here. This is a fixable issue. If he chooses to get on board with the idea, and if you can find a way to wrap it into a conversation without completely offending him, maybe. The other thing is, if you. If you don't get as upset about it as some people do, then you know what you do? You just let it ride for a couple more months, really get into a serious relationship, and then you got all the room in the world to have that conversation. Because if he really likes you, he's likely to say, okay, I'm sorry. I didn't realize.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Everything else would have to be good, though.

[Brian Green]

Great. You. You must be getting everything.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Everything. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Every other thing needs to be great in order to move forward. With that for months.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Hurting and squirting. That's what I got to say. You got to be hurting and squirting after love making if this is going to go well. If not, just find another dude. There's another dick out there somewhere. Glad you came to the commercial break for advice, Jenna. Question mark. All right, let's take a break and we'll yuckles. Oh, good old. Yeah, clown school and dating advice.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Maybe we should add manner school.

[Brian Green]

Oh, manor school. I'll teach etiquette. I'll do it in mass. I'll go live on that fucking YouTube. I'll figure out how to connect this thing to YouTube to go live so we can give them manners so people don't eat like morons anymore. All right, we'll be back.

[Christina]

I know you're already on your phone, so pull up Instagram and follow us at the commercial break and then follow us on TikTok@TCB podcast.

[Brian Green]

Done.

[Christina]

Perfect. Thank you. Since you're at the ready, why not text us hello at 212-4333, TCB. Or if you've got some drama in your life, a little fun story or anything, really. We're desperate for content. Call and leave us a message at 212-433-33, TCV. And don't forget to check out tcvpodcast.com because that's got it all. Speaking of having it all all, let's listen to our fabulous sponsors and get back to the commercial break.

[Brian Green]

Another thing that Jenna asked about that I forgot. The second part of the question was in the. It's not only about the way that he eats, it's the things that he has eaten while they have been together.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, right.

[Brian Green]

She says that he has a little bit of like, I don't know, kind of like a down home. I think how she put it was down home. He eats the worst thing on the menu and then has it specially made. So I, and I, I should pull up the text message. But what she said was, he ordered. They went to a restaurant. They had all kind of things, steaks and pastas and all this, like a rather nice restaurant. And then on the bar menu, where they now were not sitting, they had a burger on the bar menu. So when the waitress came, she ordered whatever pasta dish. And he asked the waitress, can I please get a burger from the bar? To which Jenna responded, hey, they have really good steaks and stuff here. If you want some meat, they've heard, like a really good steak, you can get that. Because she was feeling kind of embarrassed. And now he was having this special order. Can I go get it from the bar? Kind of thing. And then the waitress goes and asks, comes back, she says, yeah, okay. You know, we usually don't do this, but okay, if you want a burger, they'll make a burger, and they'll bring it over here to you in the dining room. And then he starts, like, special ordering it. Like, you know, I want this kind of cheese. Can you have extra mayonnaise? Can I get two sides of ketchup? Can. So basically, they're at this nice restaurant, and he asked for a steak with ketchup, basically, you know, and I thought to myself, well, I don't think that's as big of a deal as the way that you eat it, because tastes and food are particular. I eat cream and cereal, for God's sakes. I mean, there's lots of different things that people eat. And sometimes. Sometimes you're just that kind of person. Like, you like that thing that you like, and if it's on the menu, you want to get it, and you don't want to go anywhere. I have said this a million times, Astrid and I. It just like every other couple in the world. Here's the comp. When. When we get a free time to ourselves. Here's the conversation. What do you want to eat? Where do you want to go to eat? I don't know. Where do you want to go to eat? I don't know. You pick. I don't know. How about Tommy's? No, I don't want to go to Tommy's. How about John's? Nah, we've been to John's. A of bunch. How about Albertos? No, I don't like Albertos. I'm not in the mood for that. And then you end up going to the same place where you've always gone before, because that's it. But I like that. You know why I like that? I've decided in my old age. Because we've talked about this.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Because when we have. When you go and you branch out into something new, you end up being miserable. No doubt. It always happens. You're just miserable. You're like, I, we should have gone to. We should have gone to Tommy's. We should have gone to Tommy's. But if I go to a restaurant, a new restaurant, and I see something that I like, if I go to an Italian restaurant, I happen to like lasagna or I like the piccoloni or whatever they call it. I like that. And if I go to an Italian Restaurant. I want to order that. It's the measure of a good Italian restaurant to me. Do you make a good lasagna? Lasagna. Do you have a Chianti Classico? Or do you make your bread with 3 day old croutons? Do you make your croutons with 3 day old bread? Right. Do you mix it secretly mix in anchovies into your Caesar salad even though half of America's allergic are getting sick from them? Yes, you do. If you do that, that's a good Italian restaurant. If not, then, you know, I don't want to go out on a ledge. You know, if I go to a new restaurant, I'm not going to order. Maybe if they have a house specialty. Okay. But I'm not going to order some crazy thing off the menu when I can see that they have what I like right there. So I'm not blaming the, the, the person you're dating. I'm not blaming them as much for the choices of their food as to the way that they eat it. And now I'm thinking about the. This. How did he shovel a burger?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I was wondering that too. Is he cutting it with the fork and then shuffling?

[Brian Green]

Well, now, if he got the burger with a fork, that's a red flag. Yes, he is chopping up bodies in his basement. You know he is. So just forget about it. Just forget about it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, again, once again, I think it deserves another, another test, if you will, Another situation.

[Brian Green]

Well, and she, she said in the text messages that are in the message that she had indeed been. They'd been out a of times. She was just saying that this is like what she's noticed, what she's picked.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Up, what it has been.

[Brian Green]

Well, she said on the first date that they went to, he was shoveling food in his mouth with a fork and she didn't like it and she thought that it was kind of rude and gross and, you know, I mean.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It sounds like it's bothering her enough to write into us about. Yeah, then I think it might be a deal breaker.

[Brian Green]

I think so, too. Yeah, I think Jenna is basically wrote in to tell us she's breaking up.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

With the guy she's dating and wanted confirmation from us.

[Brian Green]

She wanted us to make her feel good. Well, Jenna, since you sent, you sent the message in four months ago, I.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Hope you're still letting us, let us know what happened.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, give it, give us some feedback. Give us, keep us posted on that.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Pun intended.

[Brian Green]

Pun intended. What is like a, what's a bad thing to go out and eat? On a first date, like, what would you think if someone took you somewhere and you were like, oh, no, I don't want to go. Lentils. Lentils and hot dogs. Yeah, lentils and hot dogs.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Ribs. Like something saucy, and it's going to.

[Brian Green]

Get in their teeth. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You know?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Can I ask why they. The. Every restaurant feels the need to put parsley on top of everything? Do you know what I'm saying?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Why?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's like a little color and you can't really taste it.

[Brian Green]

Who cares? You don't. Yeah, you can't taste it. It adds no taste. It adds no value. And I don't think it adds color. I think it adds grossness. Because I know that piece of parsley is getting stuck in this one gimpy ass tooth I got. I know it's. It is. I know for a fact it is, because it does. Every time that I have parsley in my food and I'm not interested anymore. I don't care about parsley. Let's leave the parsley off.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, start saying it. No parsley.

[Brian Green]

No parsley.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Hold the parsley.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, parsley is a trick. And it's probably full of diseases and rat droppings or something like that. What you. Yes. You know, you could go to one of those grocery stores. What they call them grocery stores.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

What are they called?

[Brian Green]

They call grocery stores. You can go there and get like a pound of parsley for a dollar. You telling me that ain't sitting in rat somewhere? I know it is. I know it's the big. It's big parsley. They're trying to get one over on us. I know what you're up to. Big parsley.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Parsley. What the. Who are the lobbyists?

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah, the lobbyists for big parsley. They're. Everybody knows. Stay away from big parsley. Stay away from big parsley.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I think you just need to ask for no parsley.

[Brian Green]

No parsley. You come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding and you ask me to take out the parsley. You will pay. You will pay. Every chef in America feels like parsley is a part of the meal. I hate it. I hate parsley. I really do dislike parsley. I don't find that. Because once I learned that there was actually no flavor in parsley, like when I started working at restaurants, and I every, you know, I was. Would work in the window where the food comes out, and then you got to put it together in the tape, you know, for one table, and then the waiter takes it and Every time there would be, like, a big bowl of parsley, and every time, the chef would be like, parsley, parsley.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Parsley sprinkling.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Make sure it goes out with parsley.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Parsley does actually have taste and is part of a good Italian seasoning.

[Brian Green]

But.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But the parsley that you're talking about as just a garnish with a little flutter.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Of it. You just don't like it because it gets in your teeth.

[Brian Green]

I don't like this. Gets in your teeth, and it serves no purpose, and it just looks like weird bugs on your food.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You're also colorblind.

[Brian Green]

Well, that's true. It looks like black leaves to me, but I don't care. I don't like it. That's. It's twice as disturbing to me as it is probably to most people. I don't like it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I don't mind it.

[Brian Green]

Dirty secret about parsley probably sits in the refrigerator for, you know, days and days on end and in a bowl chopped up, waiting to be dried parsley all over your food. No one needs it. You're not. It doesn't add any monetary value, any kind of flavor. It might be good in Italian dressing or Italian seasoning, but I guarantee you, if I went to today, right after we get done, and I went into that kitchen and I mixed up a batch of fresh Italian seasoning, and I didn't put in the parsley, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. I guarantee you. I guarantee you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We're going to test this.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I have no idea how to make Italian seasonings.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Exactly.

[Brian Green]

What do I. What do I need to make Italian season? Salt, pepper, something. Something.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Basil, Oregano.

[Brian Green]

Okay. Basil and oregano and garlic. Those things have onion.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Flavor. And I know parsley has a little bit of flavor, but I ain't going to, you know, the finest Italian restaurant here in Atlanta and then coming out of there and going, wow, that parsley, it really made the meal. I'm telling you. What, that parsley. Wow. Wow. Was that parsley fresh tonight?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. No. You're probably not gonna remember, man.

[Brian Green]

I'm telling you what it was. It was good. And then that's.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You'll know you had it because it'll be in your teeth.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Everyone else will know I had it, too. You never see a waiter come over with one of those, like, swirly things with the cheese. You never say, would you like some fresh parsley? No. No, I don't. It's ridiculous. Why are we lying to ourselves?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Parsley Grater.

[Brian Green]

Parsley is the greatest lie ever told in America. I'm sure of it. Why do we need it? For what? For whom? Who is the first person to ask for parsley? I'd like a spaghetti amiibos, extra parsley. Doesn't happen.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's a garnish.

[Brian Green]

Garnish, which means trash. I mean, trash. Nish is what it should be called. Gar. Trash. I don't know what it is. It's terrible.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You're gonna have big parsley after you.

[Brian Green]

You. I don't care about you. I'd rather have big parsley than Scientology, I'll tell you that much right now.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You're going to start receiving lots of parsley.

[Brian Green]

Parsley related. I know someone's going to say, do some research before you talk about parsley.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He used to like the show.

[Brian Green]

Never listening to the show again. We'll get to that next week. But. Oh, my God, Chrissy, I'm telling you. I'm telling you what. I just don't believe that parsley is the thing. No parsley for you, no parsley for me. I'm. You know what's going to happen Next time I go to eat somewhere, they're going to go, there's that. I see the. Over there, the parsley. I'm going to make him parsley with spaghetti and meatballs instead of spaghetti and meatballs with parsley. Oh, I'm in trouble with big parsley.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes, you are.

[Brian Green]

All right.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And you sound like a treat to go to dinner with.

[Brian Green]

Oh, I'm lovely. Just a joy to be around right now.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I was glad I made it through your test.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

All these years.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. You eat appropriately. I don't think I. You know, I don't think we've been over parsley anywhere.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Probably because we were mostly drinking.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's true. 17 Bud Lights will do that to you. I'm just a miserable prick since I put down the Bud Light. Oh, my God. All right, Wendy McClendon Covey. We've had a lot of commentary about our wonderful interview with Wendy McLendon Covey. A lovely, lovely Wendy Covey.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She's as fun.

[Brian Green]

She is. She's a lot of fun. She's got a new show coming out on NBC this fall. Do us a favor, go take a listen to her episode. That was Tuesday's episode. And then we got links in the show notes to all of that stuff. Support what? Wendy. Because she supports the show by just showing it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Just agreeing to come on the show. And then next week, the wonderful extraordinarily funny. Joe Dombrowski will be with us, and we're super excited about that interview. That'll be next Tuesday. So check out Wendy. This Tuesday, Joe. Next Tuesday. And then we got a lot of. A lot of other great guests coming in the door. Can't believe it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I can't believe it. I know.

[Brian Green]

Quite frankly, I don't know. It is surreal. I don't know what. The wool is over everybody's eyes and we're the only ones seeing clearly. Apparently. This is the one rare case where I think I'm actually seeing things as they are and everybody else is starstruck by the commercial break. Yeah. Or like some guest recently told us, it's free publicity. Yeah. No one really cares about us. They just. They just want to get to our audience. They want to get to you. The podcast list. So just know it's yours and they're reacting.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The audience loves it.

[Brian Green]

The audience does love it. For the most part. The audience. For the most part. The audience loves it. All right. TCB podcast.com all the audio, all the video right there. One location. Get your free TCB sticker by hitting the contact us button. 212-4333TCB. Questions, comments, concern, concerns, content, ideas. We take them all at the commercial break on Instagram YouTube.com the commercial break for the interviews and selected episodes. Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do today.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I think so.

[Brian Green]

But I'll tell you that I love you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I love you best.

[Brian Green]

You best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time. Chrissy and I always say, we do say, and we must say goodbye, Sam.