The Commercial Break – “Don’t Read Our Reviews…” Episode Date: May 30, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley

Episode Overview

This episode finds Bryan and Krissy in classic irreverent form, riffing on the chaos of family life, the nuances of relationships (especially bodily functions), and the unexpected challenges of dating etiquette. With plenty of banter around farts, dogs, table manners, and the mystery that is parsley, the hosts tackle listener Jenna’s question about whether bad eating habits can be a dealbreaker in dating—with the usual blend of honesty, humor, and playful self-deprecation.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Family Life, Kids, and the Realities of Bodily Functions

• Bryan recounts chaos at home as all his kids suffer from extreme gas after a big lentil meal, leading to a night of “fart storms” and Bryan questioning his domestic universe.
• Funny commentary on children’s gas:
  • "The smell that came out of that young lady's butt was unbelievable. It was crazy." (Brian, 02:26)
  • "If you're farting, you're not dying. Right?" (Brian, 03:10)
• The talk evolves into the inevitability of bodily functions in parenting:
  • "All of that gets thrown out the window because those kids are going to see you and you're going to see those kids. It's part of the growing up process." (Brian, 11:39)

2. When Is It Okay to Fart in Front of Your Partner?

• The hosts debate the “first fart” milestone as a relationship turning point.
  • "The mark of a serious relationship… is when you can do those bodily functions in front of each other and not worry about it." (Brian, 08:35)
• Both share personal anecdotes:
  • Krissy on avoiding farts during intimacy: "No, there's definitely not a time making love." (Krissy, 15:40)
  • Bryan’s awkward experience being farted on during sex: "It was mood killing. I just couldn’t. I started to fake laugh..." (Brian, 17:51)

3. Listener Question: Table Manners as a Dealbreaker

• Jenna asks about being turned off by a new partner’s poor table manners—grabbing his fork “like a caveman” and shoveling food.
• Bryan’s background: Raised with strict manners and further drilled by his ex-mother-in-law.
  • "You do not slop food into your mouth like you're eating out of a pigsty." (Brian, 22:34)
• Both agree that while everyone’s upbringing is different, manners matter, and it’s a fair turnoff.
• Krissy on trying to bring it up: "That's hard to bring up though… Maybe it could be a new activity to do together." (Krissy, 25:30)

4. Dining Out Habits: Food Choices on Dates

• Jenna’s additional concern: Her date orders the “worst thing on the menu” (like a burger at a steak restaurant), then customizes it endlessly.
• Bryan is more forgiving of specific food preferences than eating style:
  • "I'm not blaming them as much for the choices of their food as to the way that they eat it." (Brian, 45:42)
• The hosts reflect on couples’ rituals of always returning to the same familiar restaurants—and the unpredictability of new food choices.

5. Eating Speed Extremes: Too Fast, Too Slow

• Stories about fast eaters (notably men) and painfully slow eaters (a friend who eats one bite every half hour).
• Both agree: You don’t have to match exactly, but “catching the mood” of the table is part of social eating.
  • "If you're out with people, you kind of need to match the speed." (Krissy, 39:32)
• With kids, Bryan’s eating has accelerated: “I’ve sped up my eating since I have children.” (Brian, 37:44)

6. Parsley Rant: Is It the World’s Most Pointless Garnish?

• Bryan goes on an extended, passionate rant questioning why parsley is put on everything.
  • "Why do we need it? For what? For whom? Who is the first person to ask for parsley?" (Brian, 52:31)
• He jokes about “Big Parsley” as an industry of garnish lobbyists, and swears he never notices the taste.
• Krissy pushes back just a little: "Parsley does actually have taste and is part of a good Italian seasoning." (Krissy, 50:33)
• The segment concludes with Bryan threatening trouble with “Big Parsley” and lamenting that he’s a joyless dining companion since he stopped drinking Bud Light.

7. Relationship Recap & Closing

• The hosts circle back: For Jenna, the eating issue may be a relationship dealbreaker if it truly bothers her.
  • "Everything else would have to be great, though." (Krissy, 41:52)
• Bryan’s advice: “You can have a conversation with them, or... just move on to something else. Lots of fish in the sea.” (Brian, 41:08)
• End with podcast business, shoutouts to recent and upcoming guests, and the usual anarchic affection for listeners.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On family chaos:
  "I'm living in some kind of like third hellish universe where I'm broke and stressed out and my tooth hurts and the kids are all farty and the dog won't stop shitting." (Brian, 14:27)

• On manners:
  "You can bestow upon everybody else at the table a little bit of grace by not drooling your food all over your face." (Brian, 22:34)

• On dating dealbreakers:
  "You eat like a monkey who just snorted crystal meth." (Brian, 26:26)

• On parsley:
  "Parsley is the greatest lie ever told in America. I'm sure of it." (Brian, 52:32)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00 – Chaos at Home: Bryan describes the post-lentil “fartpocalypse” with kids.
• 07:46 – First Fart in a Relationship: When you know it’s serious.
• 14:47 – Farting During Sex: The accidental mood killer anecdote.
• 21:11 – Listener Question Intro: Jenna asks about dating and manners.
• 22:34 – Table Manners Deep Dive: Why manners are important.
• 25:30 – How to Address Bad Manners: Could an etiquette class work?
• 36:13 – Bad Table Manners in Business: The thousand-dollar suit guy.
• 39:32 – Eating Speeds: Stories about fast and slow eaters.
• 45:42 – Ordering “the Wrong Thing”: Judging food choice vs. eating style.
• 50:29 – The Great Parsley Rant: Why does this garnish exist?
• 53:45 – Wrapping Up: Advice to Jenna, podcast housekeeping.

Tone, Style, and Vibe

• Loose, cheeky, and self-aware: The hosts’ dynamic is casual and improvisational, heavy on friendly mockery and absurd tangents.
• Candid and relatable: Topics veer from the bodily to the mundane, but always grounded in personal experience.
• Playfully irreverent: No subject is too unpolished; every “gross” moment is mined for laughs.

In Short:
Catch this episode for unfiltered relationship advice, tales of domestic chaos, etiquette questions you never thought to ask, and possibly the definitive anti-parsley manifesto. All delivered with the Commercial Break’s characteristic energy, camaraderie, and a sincere undercurrent of “we’re all in this together.”