Brian Green (2:24)

I mean I'm eyeing that Five hour energy right now. I'm like, well, it's not good for my heart. But, you know, you only live once. 12 hours of TCB celebrating five years of the commercial. Five years.

Chrissy (2:36)

It's so hard to believe.

Brian Green (2:38)

It's hard to wrap your head around how long this has been going on. It feels in a lot of ways like yesterday. And in some ways it feels very much not like yesterday. It feels like we've been doing this for a lot of long.

Chrissy (2:49)

All of our lives.

Brian Green (2:50)

Yeah, well, I mean, when you're this deep in. It's. It is. It's like all consuming. It's just as. That's all I remember is the commercial break. I don't even remember which other jobs I had, if I'm being completely honest.

Chrissy (3:01)

It's so crazy, too, because starting in the pandemic, I mean, there's been so.

Brian Green (3:05)

Much that's happened so much in such a short period of time. And it's been the longest five years of my life and the shortest five years of my life. I've had multiple children. I mean, it's just like we could go on and on. And we will go on and on. On the 12 hours of. We'll have a lot to discuss. We'll be reviewing the five years of the commercial break, talking about some of our favorite segments, content guests and all that other stuff. Celebrity guests will be here, and we'll do it all for a good cause, Chrissy. As we celebrate National Mental Health Awareness Month, which is May. And of course, just like us, we're waiting till the very last day of May to do it in support with our good friends at Odyssey, Covert Creative and ctb. So more information to follow on all that jazz. I don't want to get. I don't want to get you mucked up in the details. We're still a couple months away from that, but I thought I'd let you know because you know you're going to have to pack a lunch. This is going to be a long one. 12 episodes, 12 hours, one day. We actually had to contact Apple and Spotify. We had to contact them and let them know that, no, that's not fake traffic. That's just. That's just us being ridiculous. And they said, okay, this one time will allow you to do it. Tcb. And we said, thank you, sir. Thank you very much. I learned that, interestingly enough, I was thinking about you when I learned this. I was this many days old when I learned that friends who roast each other tend to be friends for longer and tend to be more satisfied with their friendship. The strongest connections that we make are with the people who give us the hardest time, like, roasting each other. And so it, like, made me think about that time that Brian Moses, who you barely remember, but I can kind of remember.

Chrissy (4:52)

Oh, I remember. I remember the interview.

Brian Green (4:54)

Brian Moses invited us out to do the roast battle out in la. He does it with Jeffrey Ross and that whole ragtag group that's doing Kill Tony, which is now on Netflix. Kill Tony is on Netflix.

Chrissy (5:07)

I did not know this.

Brian Green (5:08)

Yeah, okay. I'll just. I'll leave. I'll leave it out there anyway. Okay. Um, remind me of that time that he invited us out there, and both of us, I think, were a. A little bit gun shy. You were more gun shy than I was. I was like, ah, it's okay. We'll go up there. I was offering us to, you know. He was like, just do three minutes. We'll give you coaches. You guys can write these jokes. You can be in total control of which ones you do and which ones you don't do. And I thought to myself, we should revisit that, because we are best friends.

Chrissy (5:33)

We are.

Brian Green (5:34)

And maybe a little roasting is what this relationship needs. Just get it out, spice it up a little. Either make us friends or com. Or come to a natural conclusion of the commercial break. That natural conclusion. I know one of the two. But I was thinking back on, like, all of my friendships, all the friendships I've had throughout the years, and I think it's true. I think the friends that I've had for the longest sans you, because I think we have a little bit of a different relationship. We don't roast each other a whole bunch. I mean, we have fun here in the studio.

Chrissy (6:05)

Yeah, we rib and we puff.

Brian Green (6:07)

Yeah, we rib. But it's not. It's not a. I wouldn't call it, like, a serious roasting. We never, like, get under each other's skin or try and, you know, poke at our insecurities. Yeah. No busting balls. But I do. Some of my other best friends that I've had are friends that are. I consider good friends. We really do give each other a hard time. I think about Raphael or my brothers or, you know, some people I've. That I'm maybe not as close with now, but back then, and they. They would just go at me, and I hated it with every fiber of my being.

Chrissy (6:39)

Right.

Brian Green (6:40)

But for some reason, it endured me to them. Like, I liked the fact that they would roast me. Let me give you an Example, this weekend there was a big party. So those who have listened to the commercial break know that I'm married to a Venezuelan woman. And how I met that Venezuelan woman was through my Venezuelan best friend and his incredibly large family. Now this is the kind of family where you can be like 32 cousins removed, yet you are still part of the immediate family. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Chrissy (7:12)

I do and I admire that.

Brian Green (7:13)

Yeah. This seems to be big in the Hispanic culture that everyone is part of the family, no matter how distant the relation is. And when the siren song of a party goes across the wires, then everybody from many different countries, even other planets, I think just zoom on in to come to this party. Because there's going to be free liquor, someone's going to cook food, and there's going to be dancing. So we better get there because, you know, that's the spice of life, General fun. Yes. That's the thing that makes the world go round. And for Venezuelans, the party is life. Life is a. There is no other reason to exist except to get to the next party culture. Really. I agree with you. I'm right there. And I, I. And as a teenager, that was like the OP. As a teenager and in my early 20s, before I met Raphael, that was the opposite of what I experienced. I would it. And I've said this before in my family, my immediate family, my cousins, my uncles, my aunts, we have one very large family on my mom's side. Yet it seemed like a race to get out the door as soon as you got in the door. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, it was in the door, food was served immediately. People would say their goodbyes and gone. If it lasted an hour, that was a party. If it lasted two hours, people were getting fussy and antsy. If it lasted three hours, there was like a mutiny on the bow. Like, where's the fucking. Get me the fuck away from these people. But in the Venezuelan culture, which is the one I know the best, and I think this is true of a lot of Hispanic cultures and European cultures, quite frankly, like Spain and stuff like that, it seems like the opposite. Everyone just, they want to stay as long as they can. They want to do as much as they can. So over the weekend there's like the first big get together for one of the family members birthday party.

Chrissy (9:03)

Oh my God, 100.

Brian Green (9:05)

100. And she looked great. Her name is Tatya, or that's what we call her, Tatcha. And she was not even a family member. She is the woman who raised the great grandparent. The grandparent, the parent. And then Raphael.

Chrissy (9:17)

Oh, my God. Wow. What a celebration.

Brian Green (9:19)

What a celebration. And she looked fantastic. They had her sitting in a chair. Like when you walked into this clubhouse with a bunch of balloons and like a whole thing. And then two photographers were taking pictures. Everyone who came in got a picture with her. It was just like a beautiful event. I love that everyone was there. Five years old. Because I don't think we've all gotten together. Like, everyone has gotten together since the pandemic. Some people have, but we haven't seen a lot of those people since the pandemic. And it was just beautiful. 100, I don't know, 20 people there. Everybody who's anybody who ever talked to these people is invited. And this is. This huge party room is filled. And Raphael, my best friend, is there giving me a hard time, as he always does about everything. Yeah, bro, we don't see you anymore. It's like, you know, you don't even love us anymore. He's just like ribbing me the whole time, and I'm annoyed. And I'm like, raphael, shut the fuck. Like it. The phone works both ways, bro. Like, you could, you know, we could talk to each other. And he remembered we just went to.

Chrissy (10:13)

The comedy show together.

Brian Green (10:15)

We did. But that's not enough for him. He's like. He's like my extra wife. He's like a second wife. It's never enough from him. He needs more of my time than I am able to give.

Chrissy (10:24)

He had a taste.

Brian Green (10:25)

He got a taste.

Chrissy (10:26)

He wanted more.

Brian Green (10:26)

He got a little tasty Tina or Brian. And listen, when you get a tasty tea of these teas bags, you want the full dip. You know what I'm talking about? You want to go. You want a full throated taste of Brian. That's right. And then 24 hours later, you're like, that guy's a real asshole. I realize now why we haven't seen him in five years. But he, him and I were shooting the shit, and then we were just like, you know, hey, man, I love you. It's so good to see you. You know, I just. We need to spend more time together. Which is true. All of this is true. I'm. He's right. I have a million children, and it's really hard to find time. But I need to find time, because that is the fruit of the tree is your friendships and the people that you love. And I need to. And now the kids are old enough, or some of them are Old enough that I can break away for a few minutes. I need to do more of that. And he goes, but you're just such an asshole. Like, you're such an asshole. And man, I hate you sometimes. He's like, I still think you should have kicked that guy's ass. And I rem. And when as soon as he said that, I get so fucking irritated because I remember the exact thing that he's talking.

Chrissy (11:33)

Exact ass.

Brian Green (11:34)

The exact ass that he wanted me to. That's right. I remember the exact ass in the exact moment that he's talking about. Let me explain. We're working at the restrade, the Italian Trutoria, where you send some soft shell crabs and some dried bread there too. That's how we met. That's where we met. What? That's where we met. If you. I won't. I don't. There's too many stories to tell. But I won't get into it. If you remember, he became the general manager of the. There was two of these locations, and the one that I worked at, he came from the other location to be the manager. And the very first night that we met, he wasn't there to manage. He was there to just sit at the bar and kind of observe things. Well, we both got incredibly drunk, headed to the bar across the street, closed that out, then walked to his grandparents house where Tatcha was waiting to make us food. She like got up and started cooking empanadas. And I'm like, what the.

Chrissy (12:27)

That was that night?

Brian Green (12:28)

Yes. And then he tried to get me in his bed and.

Chrissy (12:30)

Yes, remember. Yes, I remember this story, but I thought you guys had already been friends. I didn't realize this is the very.

Brian Green (12:36)

First night we met. Rafa has suggested that we sleep in the same bed together. And as an Irish white guy with a lot of Catholic guilt and some feelings around that, I was like, no, no, no, no, no. You got the wrong guy, mister. I'm out. See you later. So I'm out with his. His grandparents, portable phone outside of this townhouse, calling for a cab at 4:30 in the morning. Anyway, fast forward a year later and we've been working together for a long time, and now we're best friends. And there is a guy named Eric that works at the restaurant. Eric is a noted crackhead. And when I say noted crackhead, I don't mean that like as a. Like as a put down. I mean that literally. He is a crackhead. He smokes crack and he's been known to do it at work. The Guy is a fantastic waiter. Fantastic. Maybe the best in the entire place.

Chrissy (13:29)

Nothing like a little.

Brian Green (13:30)

Yes. Because he is, like, sonic, smooth and efficient. He's light on his feet. He's zipping all over the place. He can handle a million tables. He talks to everybody. He's sweating profusely all over your food. But he's really good at what he does, and everybody knew it. So therefore, they tolerated the other behaviors. But at some point, Eric and I got on the wrong foot. He owed me $100. I don't know. I gave him a hundred dollars to go get drugs. He never came back with it. Something happened, and this turned into an entire restaurant ordeal. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Chrissy (14:03)

Yes. Yes, I did.

Brian Green (14:04)

Like, we gave him money to go get something. He never showed back up with it, then claimed that he got robbed or whatever the deal was. Like, real crackhead type shit, right? Like, real crackhead type story. Eric was all of a sudden Persona non grata. But we saw him pull up with his wife at the time into the bar directly across the street. And we had been looking for him. Where are you with our hundred dollars? Where are you?

Chrissy (14:27)

This is the same night.

Brian Green (14:29)

The same night he left. He. He had gotten off, like, in the afternoon shift.

Chrissy (14:32)

Yeah, yeah.

Brian Green (14:33)

And we said, all right, bro. Set us up for the. You know, hook us up for the nighttime. We're gonna have a big party here at La Strada once it closes down, which happened a lot, by the way. We would lock the doors, and multiple times. The police officers were, like, in the parking lot, like, with the flashlights, looking in. And we were like, nothing to see here. We wouldn't open the doors. We'd be like, we're fine. Everything's okay. There's hostages in here. Don't worry about it. So he took our money. And I was, like, the guy in charge for whatever reason of this particular situation. And Raphael got me all worked up, and he said, you gotta fucking kick this guy's ass, man. There's only one way to teach a crackhead how to. There's only one way to teach a lesson to a crackhead, and that's a fucking. Kick his ass. Kick his fucking ass, Brian. Go get him. Get him. Get. Let's walk across the street. Let's get him.

Chrissy (15:22)

I can't picture.

Brian Green (15:24)

And there were other employees that went over there, and they got Eric all riled up. So now it's like. It's literally a scene out of the west side Story. Yeah. When you're a Jet, you're A jet all the way from your first cracky pipe to your sniff all the day. Like, it's. Like. It's crackhead west side Story. And so at some point, the game is on. We've been at the restaurant as long as we can be at the restaurant. I don't know what to do. I'm not a fighter. I never have been in a saying I can't picture. No. I've been in a few scraps, couple I've won. Most I've lost. It's not my thing, you know, I think I can. I've defended myself in certain situations, but I am not the guy to swing first. I have never been the guy to swing first. So we go over there, and I. We're walking across the street, and Eric comes out with his team, and I got my team. And it's like, seriously, a gang war in front of this suburban dive bar.

Chrissy (16:21)

How did he even have a team? Because he's in the wrong here. But he rallied some troops.

Brian Green (16:27)

How did. Are you alive in 20? 25? People have teams regardless if they're right or wrong.

Chrissy (16:34)

This is true. Good point.

Brian Green (16:37)

People like shitheads, too. For some reason, they. They vote for the troll. I don't know why. Who knows? And when I see team, he's got, like, his, you know, four or five people. And I got my four or five people. And we're over there, and everyone is charged up. And we meet in the parking lot, and I'm like. And Raphael's behind me. He's like, fucking kick his ass, man. Fucking get him, dude. Swing first. You got to go right for his head. Swing first. Get him. Get him. Get that underdog back. Like, get $100. And we're all. And by the way, everyone's lambasted. We're all, yes. It's like two in the morning. So we get over there, we're out in the parking lot. I will never forget this. And I say, where's our money, Eric? And he goes, I don't know. I got robbed. And that's how it is. And you're not getting a hundred dollars because I don't have it. And I said, well, if you don't give us our hundred dollars back or our product right now, I'm gonna kick your fucking ass. And he pulled out a knife. And I ran and I ran. I headed for the hills. I ran across the street, back to the bar. Raphael's like, what are you. What are you doing? What are you doing? You gotta kick his ass. And I'm like, I'm not gonna kick his ass. He's got a knife. And he's like, don't worry about the knife. Fucking grab the knife out of his hand. I've got your back. And I'm like, then you hit him. And he's like, I don't want to hit him. Everyone's yelling and screaming at each other. So now I'm the big asshole because I decided not to fight the guy with the knife. And Raphael has relentlessly bullied me about this since the night that it happened. You should have kicked Eric's ass. You should have kicked that guy's ass. Relentlessly bullied me about it. And you know what? I think he's right. I think even though that guy had a knife, I think I should have found a way to kick his ass. Because Eric continued to be an asshole and continued to be a crackhead and scam people's money. Now crackhead's a crackhead, they're going to take your money. I should have learned that lesson a long time ago. But at the end of the day, like, I kind of pussied out on the whole situation. Not only did I not fight him, but I ran away from him. Like, I ran across the street away from him. So big Irish tough guy decided to run. Now, in the moment, I think I felt my life was threatened. He had a knife. It wasn't a particularly big knife, but it was a knife.

Chrissy (18:57)

Yeah, those things can be really sharp, of course. Ones where you.

Brian Green (19:00)

Yeah.

Chrissy (19:00)

Click them.

Brian Green (19:01)

Yeah, yeah. It was like one of those. It was a flip one, right? It was like a flip. It was like a small hunting knife, right? Yes.

Chrissy (19:08)

Those things are sharp.

Brian Green (19:08)

Yeah. Or like a bread knife for, you know, the bread. I don't know what it was for, but I saw the silver and I headed out. And Raphael has busted my balls ever since about this. Ever since. They're not a probably two conversations that go by when. And if Raphael's at least three beers in him, he's going to mention that I should have kicked Eric's ass. He has relentlessly bullied me about this forever and ever. He roasts me about it all the time. And he's probably right. And because he's probably right and because I like the good nature of the ribbon, I love him. I love him because I'm a pussy and I didn't, you know, kick Eric's ass. And so at the end of the day, a little good hard love every once in a while, a little good tough love where people are poking at you and they're telling you the truth in a way that feels funny or satirical or sarcastic. I think it makes for good times. That's what I got to say. I think this. This article that I read is so fucking true, is that if you can get with your buddies and you guys can tell each other like it is but have a little laugh at the same time, you're going to be friends for a long time.

Chrissy (20:21)

Well, I'm willing to revisit it.

Brian Green (20:23)

Revisit it, Chrissy.

Chrissy (20:24)

I will. I will look into it. I'm going to have to scan.

Brian Green (20:28)

You should have gone to the roast, Chrissy. You should have gone to the roast.

Chrissy (20:31)

I'm going to have to scan my memories now for any kind of roast material. Well, there was never a fight situation with us.

Brian Green (20:37)

No, there's no. I'm. Oh, trust me. I'm sure you have a lot of roast material. I'm sure it's in your brain somewhere. There's. We're not friends for this long, and there's not at least 10 things on your list where you're like, what a fucking dick. What a fucking dick. But I'm not suggesting that you roast me. I'm just sharing this, you know, this little stat. Yeah. This little thing. And, you know, if you want to, we can take some LSD and I can fuck with you. That was the other thing that a lot of my friends did.

Chrissy (21:04)

Well, we've taken plenty of drugs together.

Brian Green (21:06)

We have. That's true, we have. But never lsd. Never LSD or Iowa. I mean, ayahuasca. I put in a different category of things to do. That's not like, you know, haha. Giggles on a Friday night. That's.

Chrissy (21:18)

No, that's not.

Brian Green (21:19)

Yeah, it's like get the therapist involved kind of thing. I want to know how my friend did on the. On the Hero.

Chrissy (21:25)

I was wondering that. I sent you a message.

Brian Green (21:26)

She called me. She called me over the weekend, as she often does. She'll call me on the weekend when she's driving up, you know, outside the perimeter to do something. She'll call and check in and tell me how funny the show is. That's why I answer the phone, because she always says how funny our show is, and that makes me. It gives me a tickle in my pickle, so. But I'll get an update and I'll let you know how the heroes went. But anyway, I love you. We should have done the roast. I should have kicked that guy's ass.

Chrissy (21:52)

And I love you too.

Brian Green (21:53)

Yeah. Okay. We'll be back with more shenanigans.

Rachel (21:59)

Hey, it's Rachel, your new voice of God here on tcb. And just like you, I'm wondering just how much longer this podcast is can continue. Let's all rejoice that another episode has made it to your ears. And I'll rejoice that my check is in the mail. Speaking of mail, get your free TCB sticker in the mail by going to tcbpodcast.com and visiting the Contact Us page. You can also find the entire commercial break library audio and video, just in case you want to look at chrissy@tcbpodcast.com Want your voice to be on an episode of the show? Leave us a message at 212-4333, TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Tell us how much you love us, and we'll be sure to let the world know on a future episode. Or you could make fun of us. That'd be fine, too. We might not air that, but maybe. Oh, and if you're shy, that's okay. Just send a text. We'll respond. Now I'm gonna go check the mailbox for payment while you check out our sponsors, and then we'll return to this episode of the commercial break.

Brian Green (22:58)

Okay, I have a question for the listeners out there, and I know I'll probably get a lot of feedback about this true or not true statement I'm about to make. Everybody in your particular town has all of a sudden become a student driver. Oh, my God.

Chrissy (23:12)

Yeah, this was something we were talking about. It's crazy.

Brian Green (23:15)

It is literally insane.

Chrissy (23:19)

And I feel like it just kind of popped up over the past maybe year where I've really started to notice that it is like every other car says student driver on it. And a lot of times it's just this lone person.

Brian Green (23:31)

It's a lone driving in the car. Old woman.

Chrissy (23:34)

Yes.

Brian Green (23:34)

Or single human. Yes. Or clearly someone who should have been driving most of their life. Yeah.

Chrissy (23:40)

Because back before when you saw those, I mean, it was literally, you thought somebody was, like, in training. You know, there would be maybe two people in the car. It's a parent or it's an instructor of some kind.

Brian Green (23:50)

Exactly.

Chrissy (23:51)

And now not.

Brian Green (23:52)

It would say, like, you know, apata Driving school on the side of the car, there'd be a big yellow sign on top of it. You'd know clearly that this sometimes even two extra, like, you know, red lights sitting on the back of the car, like, hooked up through the, you know, you know, the crappy Civic with the two extra lights, the guy's making extra money on the weekend teaching driving or whatever that it used to be clearly identified, but now, at least where we live in Atlanta, we've talked about this with a lot of people. It appears that every fourth car is now a student driver because they are putting bumper stickers on the back of their car that either say please be patient learning to drive or student driver in a big yellow bumper sticker that they have attached to their car magnet.

Chrissy (24:36)

Whatever the name of a band that we don't know about.

Brian Green (24:38)

You know what I thought about that? I know you might be right. I thought about that and I looked it up and I don't see there is a band named Student Driver. But they don't seem to be like, they don't seem to be, you know, popular to be Taylor Swift level to get that kind of attention on the back of a car. I mean, every fucking fourth car it says student driver. So now I did a little informal experiment. A little control and a little, you know, a little control and a little, what do you call it? Test, test group. I drove both to both schools that my children go to and that happens one hour after the other. One at eight, one at nine. And I drove them to school. And I would say it's a five mile round trip to each school. So we're talking about 10 total miles that I'm driving. And I saw seven, seven student driver stickers on the back of cars. That is an insane amount of cars to see. And I'm driving like side streets, not highways. So I'm getting stuck behind cars or see cars at a stoplight or whatever that have student driver on the back of them. Just because you're a poor fucking driver does not mean you get the right to put student driver on the back of your car. What that does mean is you should take lessons. But if you've been driving for more than a year, you are no longer a student driver. And I don't want you to use that student driver sticker because it gives inappropriate attention to your piss poor driving. And if you think for one second that I'm going to excuse you because you put a sticker on the back of your car and you're driving 22 miles per hour in a 45 mile per hour lane. No siree bop enough. We all are going around lying to each other, pretending that shit is one way when it really isn't so that we can get the empathy or sympathy of others on the road, when the fact is you shouldn't have a license in the first place because you don't know how to drive.

Chrissy (26:30)

I think this might be our new sticker. Student tcb. Student driver.

Brian Green (26:35)

F you. Student driver. Fu. That's what I'm going to put. Fu Student driver. This is a trend that has taken hold and I don't get it because I don't know. But when I was a student driver, like when I had my learner's permit, I think I knew a collective three other human beings who had their learner's permit. I. It's impossible that every fourth car on the road has their learner's permit or is within the first year of driving. Here's the thing. So. And this is what really got me set off. This is a couple of months ago. I've been waiting to talk about this for a while. Also.

Chrissy (27:12)

It was like an embarrassing to see it. Like, I mean, I was a student driver at some point, but I was not putting that on the car. And neither were my parents.

Brian Green (27:20)

Fuck no. I mean, I think my dad probably would have wanted to do it, but two things, he was way too precious about his vehicle to be putting a sticker on the back of the car. Bumper stickers were a no, no in my house and continue to be a no, no in my house. Like, my kids always want to put a sticker, you know, And I'm like, do you know how fucking trashy I mean, do you know trashy that is? And then people send us pictures with their TCB sticker.

Chrissy (27:45)

TCB's okay.

Brian Green (27:47)

No, so. So I. A couple of months ago, I'm driving here in the back roads north of Atlanta. And, you know, I've gotten really a lot better about my road. I don't call it road rage. I call it road irritation. About my road irritation.

Chrissy (28:05)

That's good to know because there was some. I could roast you about that.

Brian Green (28:09)

Yeah, well, and I'll take it because it's true. But I slow down, I give people some space and some grace and understand that they just might be going through something. However, if I see someone that is purposefully driving like an idiot, like, they're like, they're on their phone facetiming somebody. That's a whole different animal altogether.

Chrissy (28:28)

Yeah, that's dangerous.

Brian Green (28:29)

So I am driving in the back roads and I'm on my way to Starbucks. I'm driving the back roads and there is a person in a very nice BMW, like brand new BMW. These are like 80, $90,000 cars. Big old student driver on the back. So I'm already Irritated. I'm already irritated that anybody would give a student driver a ninety thousand dollar car. That's a dumb thing to do. I don't care how much money you have to throw in the trash. I don't care if you're Elon Musk. You give a clunker to a student.

Chrissy (29:01)

Driver, yes, that's the best course of.

Brian Green (29:02)

Action until they learn how to drive or until they deserve to have a ninety thousand dollar car. Giving your sixteen year old kid, or seventeen year old kid, or eighteen year old kid, or any kid a ninety thousand dollars car is a clear indication that your head is screwed on improperly. I'm just sharing that with you right now. So I'm behind this car and they are going 22 miles per hour and a 45. And so now I, for about a mile, I'm like, okay, all right, Brian.

Chrissy (29:34)

Speed it up here.

Brian Green (29:35)

Give them 100ft. Chill out, you know, but you know, I start to get a little twitchy at like mile number 1.5 because now I'm, now there's a line of cars behind me and there's a guy behind me who's Brian Green, number two. He's like, you know, he's swerving to the left, swerving to the right, right up on my ass. And I'm like, hey bro, don't get at me.

Chrissy (29:55)

Look at the car in front.

Brian Green (29:56)

And I'm not getting any closer because I don't know what's going on there. But I start to edge a little closer. And as I edge a little closer, I can see through the back window that they have one of those suction cups holders on their thing. And I can see that there is a video playing on the phone. A video or a FaceTime call. And I'm like, you gotta be kidding me. You gotta be kidding me that this person is watching a video or making a FaceTime call while not paying attention to anything that's going on. And by the way, she, who I learned later is a she, she is kind of swerving around like almost hits a mailbox over on the other side of the road, hitting the brake. You know the people that drive with two feet?

Chrissy (30:43)

Yes.

Brian Green (30:44)

My mom drives with two feet and it drives me crazy. She drives with two feet. She hits the brake and the accelerator at the exact same time and the car doesn't go anywhere.

Chrissy (30:51)

Yeah, it's bad. My grandfather used to do that.

Brian Green (30:55)

I know. And my mom claims that's how she learned to drive. And I'm like, no one in their right mind would teach you how to drive like that. Mom, that's crazy. I knew your father. He was an FBI. Like, this guy did not drive like that. I'm sure of it. So I get stuck for like four and a half miles. All. She's taking every turn I need to take. She's driving every place I need to drive. And wouldn't you fucking know it, she pulls into the Starbucks. Oh. And I cannot. I don't have time to go into the Starbucks. I'm gonna. One of the few times, I'm gonna run through the drive through. Through. So I go behind her in the drive through. And now she's got her window rolled down. And I could see through her rear view mirror that she is, in fact on a FaceTime call or a video call. I don't know which one it is, but she's on a video call. She. It's a huge line at Starbucks for the drive through. And as people are pulling up, she's not pulling up. It's taking her, like, minutes to realize that people are moving. And so I just give her a.

Chrissy (31:54)

Little love the honking.

Brian Green (31:56)

And she goes like this, like. Like, waves me off through her window. Wow. And I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. She's at the. No, Now I'm full on road rage now. It's. Now I'm pissed. I'm like, okay, lady, all right. She gets up to the speaker. She's taking her dear sweet time. She's asking the person on the phone. I can hear this all going on. She's asking the person on the phone what they want. She's ordering 10 different coffees, 30 different ways, whatever. So we get out and I. She pulls up and she pays. And this whole thing takes like 15 minutes. It's, like, incredibly frustrating. I should have gone in because now I'm like, late anyway, right? She pulls to the end of the drive through to the stop sign to get out of the parking lot. And she stops at the stop sign. There's only. There's only two people. Only two cars can fit in that entrance. One going in and one going out. And she stops and she picks up her phone. And now she's texting or. Or writing an email on her phone, and she's not going. And so I sit there for a minute and I give her a little love tap and she goes. She waves me off again. And I open the window and I go, you gotta go. I can't fit around you. And she waves me off a third time. And now there's a guy behind Me. And he's like, This guy's really pissed. And you know what she does? She puts on her blinkers and she.

Chrissy (33:27)

Goes, like her hazard?

Brian Green (33:28)

Yes, like her hazard. And goes, swerve around. Well, there's a guy behind me, I'm behind her. And now there's a person in the drive through. So none of us can go because she's sitting there. So now I'm like. So now I'm like, yeah, I would too. I'm just laying on the horn and then I stop and I go, we cannot get around you. Pull into the parking lot. And she goes, go around me. I'm busy. So I literally am stuck. I cannot go backwards, I cannot go forwards. Now there's a traffic jam. So I get out of my car because now I'm like, I'm gonna have to explain to this lady. And I hope that she doesn't shoot me. I'm gonna have to explain to this lady. So I go up to her and I go, first of all, this is a 45 year old woman with a $90,000 car. She is most definitely not a student driver. And I go, ma', am, I can't get around you. He can't get around me. Now everyone's backed up in the drive through waiting for you. And she's like, I'm parked. I'm writing an email. And I go, there are parking spaces that you can do that.

Chrissy (34:33)

I'm parked in, writing an email.

Brian Green (34:35)

And she goes, I can park right here if I want to. I go, you're at a stop sign. You have to move so everyone else can get around you. This is insane, right? And I'm like, you have to move. And she's like, I don't have to do anything. Don't you see the sign on the back of the car? I'm learning how to drive.

Chrissy (34:52)

I was wondering if she was going to reference that.

Brian Green (34:54)

She says that. And I go, you should learn harder, ma'. Am. It's not working. You have to move. Well, now everybody's laying on the horn. There's like four people that are laying on the horn. And then as I start to walk away, she goes, fine, God damn it, I'll move. No one has patience in this town. Patience for what? The whole world has to stop revolving because you have to write an email or because you put a fucking sticker on your car that says student driver so that you can make FaceTime calls and write emails while you're driving this completely inconsiderate of everybody else around you. I showed you Grace on the road. But I'm gonna get out of the car and explain to you that this is just not how life works. Right? And I did it as nicely as I could. I didn't cuss at her. I didn't say anything terrible. I just said, you ought to learn. You need to learn harder because it's not working.

Chrissy (35:45)

Yeah.

Brian Green (35:46)

You don't know how to drive. You cannot stop and put your blinkers on. And a busy stop sign and an entrance to a Starbucks. That's just a ridiculous notion. Don't you see the sign on the back of my car? This is what got me charged up and started making me pay attention. And now I see them everywhere. They are everywhere. And I'm done with it now. Everybody is that lady. Everybody with a student driver sign is that lady to me. I'm like, God damn it. Fucking motherfucker. I'd almost cured my road rage until the sign started going on the back of the car.

Chrissy (36:18)

Well, there was a need to rage.

Brian Green (36:19)

There's a. This, this was an appropriate reason.

Chrissy (36:22)

Appropriate to get upset because, you know, a warranted rage.

Brian Green (36:27)

It's one thing to be a bad driver. There are lots of those out there in the world. They're bad drivers. And that's where I've learned grace. I've learned grace that not everybody has the fine motor skills and sharp, keen sense of spatial awareness that I do. Not everybody is Evel Knievel on the roads. Right. No, I understand that. I got it. Okay, That's. I didn't understand it. Now I understand it. Not everybody's going to drive exactly like I am. But when you're just a fucking idiot and you're just being inconsiderate of everybody else around you, then you deserve the honks and the. And the people getting upset at you. And when you. Here's a little piece of advice for anybody out there that's a bad driver or that's an inconsiderate driver. And because I know there's gotta be. The numbers are against us here, Chrissy. There's gotta be lots of bad drivers in our audience.

Chrissy (37:14)

Yes.

Brian Green (37:15)

Here's a piece of advice if you. And you're probably aware that you're a bad driver too. It's probably something people have been roasting you about for a long time. If you, if you're like driving down a two lane road and it's one of those back roads, 35, 45 miles per hour in your local neighborhood or wherever it is you choose to drive, or you're. Or you live and you see that there are more than three cars behind you, like, compactly lined up behind you. It's an indication you're going too slow. Speed up a little bit.

Chrissy (37:45)

At least go the speed limit.

Brian Green (37:47)

At least go the speed limit. That's right. If you're in the line at the Starbucks, pay attention when people are moving up so the people behind you can also get their drinks in a speedy fashion. If you're making FaceTime phone calls while you are moving a two and a half ton vehicle down the road at 50 miles per hour, you're a fucking moron. Don't do that. Stop it. Stop it. It's the biggest lesson I've learned since I've had children is that it is almost never appropriate to be typing on a phone, looking at a phone, or using a phone unless it's hand, hands free when you're driving a motor vehicle. Because one mistake, one moment of dumb dumbness, and other people get hurt or worse.

Chrissy (38:30)

Because distracted driving.

Brian Green (38:32)

Distracted driving. It's terrible. I've even gotten to the point, Christine, I'm so proud of myself about this. When we take family road trips and I get tired, I no longer take little cat naps while I'm driving. I pull over. Oh, true. I used to do it. I used to catnap well with my eyes open. Like, I would go into that weird space, like hypno.

Chrissy (38:50)

Hypnosis.

Brian Green (38:50)

Yes, the hypnosis where, like, you're fighting your eyelids and your brain is totally shut off, but you've got cruise control on and you're just like. I told you. One time, I was driving in Charleston. I think my friend saw me fall asleep while I was driving. And he was like, his mouth open. He's like, dude, yeah, Your eyes were fully closed for like a minute. And I was like, whoa, yeah, you need to pull over. But I'm proud of myself because I've taken some more, like, I take this a little bit more seriously than I used to now that there are children. But also, let's not make excuses for bad driving. You're a bad driver. We can all live with it. If you're doing your best, we can live with it. Don't put a dumb sticker on the back of your car if you're just an inconsiderate asshole. Okay? You should have kicked his ass. I should have kicked her ass. Chrissy should have kicked her ass. All right. That's my rant about student driving.

Chrissy (39:46)

Oh, it is true. They're everywhere.

Brian Green (39:47)

They are everywhere. And I'd like to know if they're everywhere where you're living or if this is just a Atlanta thing, if it's like, like, I don't know, that measles outbreak in Texas, we've all caught it all of a sudden. I'd like to know. Let me know. Let me know if there's an outbreak of student drivers in your town. All right, we'll be back.

Rachel (40:07)

Let me do something Brian has never done.

Brian Green (40:10)

Be brief.

Rachel (40:11)

Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break, text or call us 212-4333, tcb. That's 212-433-3822. Visit our website tcbpodcast.com for all the audio, video and your free sticker. Then watch all the videos@YouTube.com thecommercial break and finally share the show. It's the best gift you could give a few aging podcasters. See, Brian, that really wasn't that difficult, now, was it? You're welcome.

Brian Green (40:41)

There is a film at the Sundance Film Festival, I think it is, and I am so excited to see. It's a film about a man named Thomas Kincaid. You know, the painter Thomas Kincaid. Okay. For those of you that don't know, Thomas Kinkade was the mainstreamist, I don't even know if that's a word, but the most mainstream painter that has ever lived. He has sold more paintings. He has made more money than God, quite frankly. He has a. He had a huge company that still exists today that would sell originals and recreations.

Chrissy (41:18)

Yeah, they were mostly like beautiful.

Brian Green (41:22)

Oil paintings. Yeah.

Chrissy (41:23)

And like nature stuff, a lot of nature stuff.

Brian Green (41:27)

He called himself the Lord of Light or the God of Light or the Painter of Light or something like that.

Chrissy (41:31)

The Lord of Light?

Brian Green (41:32)

Yeah, I think it was the Lord of Light. That's a really weird name. He was like kind of an unassuming Midwestern man. I think he was actually born in the south, but he kind of had this Midwestern feel to him. He would wear like the short sleeve white shirt, little pudgy short sleeve white shirts with a tie, crop cut mustache, you know. You know the kind like, the kind like a. Like a. A dad, any dad in Chicago in the mid-80s. That's what he looked like. A little portly, you know, just almost whatever. You get it. Look up Thomas Kincaid. You'll see pictures of him. He rose to prominence really in the 70s, 80s and 90s because he was painting what I would consider pretty good paintings. I mean, he certainly had a talent, no doubt about it. And he would play with the light like, you know, yeah, Imagine like a house nestled in the mountains with lush greenery, the stream around it, and then the sun was setting. So he would paint the shadows. And people fell in love with his paintings.

Chrissy (42:29)

I remember them being big, too.

Brian Green (42:31)

You could buy him big, small, any size. I mean, prints you could buy in any size, but he made them big. Yeah, they were like, you know, 4ft by 4ft. He really took the mainstream art fan world by storm. When I mean mainstream. I mean your mom and your dad, your grandma and your grandpa, your aunt, your uncle, who know the don't know shit about art, but they would love to put those paintings in their house. And millions and millions and millions of people fiended over these paintings.

Chrissy (43:01)

Yeah, they were available in like, Michaels and maybe Pier ones.

Brian Green (43:05)

And he had his own stores. He had his own stores that. The Thomas Kincaid stores in malls. And they would sell his paintings for 15, 20, 30, $40,000 for originals. Millions of dollars sometimes for rare original works. And then they would print them endlessly. You would get them in different sizes and they would be hundreds of dollars or maybe even $50 for a small one. This went on for a long time. And he traveled the world and he would paint in front of people. There was no doubt he was actually painting these. He had a relationship with Disney. He made a lot of paintings around Disney. Princesses and characters. Harry Potter he did a lot. And he made relationships with big corporations. And then they made money on the backs of his paintings. And he just endlessly painted all of this stuff and endlessly sold them and made money, unlike most artists who create one and then those originals get sold for many millions of dollars over time. Right. Usually the artist is long gone before they even become valuable. Exactly right. And the art world is a. The fine art world is a very lucrative, valuable world where billions of dollars are spent every year acquiring these rare pieces of art. Thomas Kincaid is not that even though his paintings went for a lot of money, he was not a rare artist.

Chrissy (44:26)

Yeah, he was very commercial, Very.

Brian Green (44:28)

The most commercial artist that ever lived. And he had a very pristine image. His image was that of a man of God. A man of the people. A man who did no wrong. God of Lord of Light. Lord of light. Hey, girl. Hey, girl. Lord of light over here. Yeah, yeah, I got a flashlight I want you to see. And he would tour around and he would. People would stand in lines and they would go crazy. I mean, this guy became a phenomena. And he had this whole image that he presented as a family man, as a man of the word, as really Kind of an everyman. And he just happened to have this talent. And he sold all these paintings and people would collect them. And there is now a new documentary about this guy. Years ago, when I first read saw like an hour special on Thomas Kincaid, I don't know what it was on A E. This is many years ago, actually when I first saw a special on him. They kind of gave the indication that Thomas may or may not have been all he was cracked up to be. In other words, there were people who said that Thomas was not this godly character. But there was. There was always rumors of this. And anytime you're that big and famous, there's always going to be someone who's creating a rumor about you. But I started to think about something about Thomas Kincaid way back then. Probably because I was high as shit on bad weed when they would do little snippets. And they dedicated like three minutes of this hour long special to the people who said, you know, oh, well, I think Thomas, you know, you know, he's got a sordid past or whatever, or another side, another side to him, right? When they. For some reason I got it stuck in my head that what if this guy is really just a like kind of a performance artist, like an Andy Kaufman type, and he's making it all up and he's really just a coke fiend on the. You know, he's a weird dude that just is like the jokes on us. And it turns out the joke's on us really. And this new documentary shines more light on the jokes on us because apparently he was a coke fiend, stripper hound on his days off. And he was in his younger years, kind of a wild child. This is what the trailer indicates. So this is why I'm excited to see this movie.

Chrissy (46:44)

I need to watch that for years.

Brian Green (46:47)

Because I kind of took this keen interest in this one particular hour long special that I watched. And I knew someone who was a big Thomas Kincaid collector, bought into the whole thing. A neighbor that I had in Chicago had a lot of these paintings.

Chrissy (47:03)

Yeah, There was a business that I worked at in college. They had. It was owned by this wealthy family. And they had all of these Thomas Kincaid huge originals.

Brian Green (47:12)

Oh, really?

Chrissy (47:12)

Around the salon.

Brian Green (47:13)

Very interesting. Okay, so I lived next door to someone or down the street from someone who essentially had the same thing in their house. And they adored these things. They were like precious. They would show them to us and tell us the story about how they got them or what it means or how this. Who this guy is and you know, the word of the Lord and all this other stuff, so. The word of the Lord? Yes. I hate when people say that. The word of the Lord. Like you heard them, heard him say anything? All right, okay. So there had been rumors, I read a number of years ago that Thomas Kincaid was actually a really fantastic artist. But he did not always paint all these lovely Lord of the Light type paintings. But sometimes he painted some really disturbing, dark, weird shit. But then it was all locked away in a vault. But no one ever found the vault to get into the vault or whatever the story was, because it's like kind of like Al Capone's vault, right? Yeah, he. It was like, stuffed away somewhere in a secret location that no one ever knew about. So it's like this, like, nebulous thing in this documentary. Apparently they find the vault, they open the vault. Oh, and they get access to this collection of paintings that was very much not what Thomas Kincaid supposedly was all about. And I think this proves once and for all that Thomas Kincaid was maybe the ultimate art troll ever. More than Banksy, more than Andy Kaufman. Thomas Kincaid. Why? Because, yeah, Banksy's made a lot of money and everybody fiends for a Banksy. But you're in on the joke with Banksy, right? He's making this art to blow up, or, you know, on the side of a wall, some random Italian town or whatever. Thomas Kincaid had the. He took it all the way. He took it all the way. He made billions of dollars. His company made billions of dollars selling these rather like kind of, you know, ho hum paintings to unassuming people. He took it all the way. And until the last dying breath of the Thomas Kincaid phenomenon, everyone who loved Thomas Kincaid believed that Thomas Kincaid was a certain way. Yes. When in fact, he was getting lap dances and hand shandies by night, snorting coke off strippers asses while you were staring at his Thomas Kincaid painting, wondering what the word of the Lord is. Unbelievable. He gotcha. He gotcha.

Chrissy (49:43)

I know. I love this story.

Brian Green (49:44)

I love it.

Chrissy (49:44)

I really want to see this movie.

Brian Green (49:46)

I think this might be one of the most underrated stories about a troll or a performer performance artist ever. And I cannot wait to see this movie. And there's like one trailer out there in the universe and they have an Instagram page with a couple videos, but it's just more like splicing the trailer up in different ways. There's not a lot of people following this page, but I think this is going to be one of those. I mean, to me, at least, this is going to be one of those stories that I love to dig into. Oh, yeah, Because I love the thought. I like my neighbor in Chicago, but it's been many years since I've seen her. I love the thought that she just bought into this whole milk. And Honestly, it was 2% with some cocaine in it.

Chrissy (50:23)

Yeah, exactly.

Brian Green (50:25)

I can't wait. It's great.

Chrissy (50:27)

What kind of pictures was. What kind of things was he painting?

Brian Green (50:30)

They don't show it in the trailer, but they show iPad with pictures or like photographs of stuff in the vault to people who knew Thomas Kincaid or studied Thomas Kincaid or whatever. And the expression on those people's faces is like, whoa. Like, you know, completely aghast at what they saw. And so apparently this stuff is really dark and like, you know, maybe disturbing in a lot of ways. Like, I mean, I imagine it's like, you know, SNM type stuff. I don't know. I don't know what I imagine. You know, death and destruction or whatever. I can't wait to see it. I'm so excited about.

Chrissy (51:04)

I know. You got me excited.

Brian Green (51:05)

I know. We should, like. I mean, it'll be a long time before it be a little viewing party here. It'll be a long time.

Chrissy (51:10)

Very interested in it, too.

Brian Green (51:11)

Oh, God, I can't wait. I'm just like, super, like. I don't know, I. It just that one hour of television so many years back got me so interested in the Thomas Kincaid story. And then, you know, occasionally I'll read something about Thomas Kincaid and I'll be like, oh, yeah, thanks. You know, I thought something's gonna leak out of it. You know. This whole thing came crashing down, by the way, for Thomas Kincaid. Like, the whole like. Like Beanie Babies and everything else in the life, you know, it's hot. It's not. Something happens. Thomas Kincaid went through a series of scandals, I believe, and that kind of destroyed his reputation. But this takes it even further. Like, this gets to the root of the matter, which is he really was scamming us all in a way where he was, I think, going to bed at night laughing to himself like, I can't believe I pulled this off. This is amazing. Like, Andy Kaufman the wrestler. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, no one could ever figure out if Andy Kaufman wanted to be a wrestler. Was he a wrestler? Did he actually wrestle? No one could ever figure out if he was. What was that character that he played? Do you remember? Like, oh, yeah, it's right at the tip of my tongue. Not Leon, but Yeah, someone like that. Andy Kaufman. And you have to have your head directly up your butthole not to know this, but Andy Kaufman was a performance artist. Some think some. One of the best comedians of all time. Certainly one of the most shocking comedians of all time. He had a. A character that. Tony. Tony something that would come out. And Tony was like a lounge singer. But he was a shocking lounge singer. He would come out with like half naked women. He would sing dirty songs. And so many people believed that that was Andy Kaufman, Tony Clifton. Tony Clifton. That he would dress up because it was clearly makeup. Like, you could see that it was like a prosthesis he was wearing on his face. So many people thought, that's Andy doing the joke. But sometimes Andy and Tony Clifton would be in the same place and people would see him in the same place. Tony over there, Andy over there. And people were like, wait, I thought you were Tony. And he's like, I don't know what you're fucking talking about. Yeah, Tony was like Andy's manager, quote unquote, who was also a lounge singer. It was like this whole routine. But Andy found ways to continue to fuck people over and mess with their mind. It was like a magic trick, trick of hilarity that he loved. And I thought it was brilliant. I really did. I think it's so. I think it's so much fun. And the thought that Thomas did this, but got away with it. Like, they're like everyone's Sir Andy Kaufman. Okay, he's got someone else dressed up as Tony Clifton today. Thomas Kincaid. No one suspect, no one suspected said belong before the Internet. Long before you could Google or there were cell phones in everybody's hands. Taking pictures. Involved with Disney, Disney, Disney, Universal. On and on and on and on and on. He painted some of the most precious brands for some of the most precious brands in the world. And they didn't know that he was in fact just a sleazy artist who was a good artist. Good artist. No doubt about it. He certainly had a talent for painting. But I. I can't wait. I want to wrap it up. I want to piece it all together. I want to see the end of this story. I'm living long enough to see the end of the Thomas Kincaid story.

Chrissy (54:31)

We will have a viewing.

Brian Green (54:32)

That makes me happy. Yeah, we'll have a viewing. I don't know when and I don't know if that's legal, but maybe I should reach out to the people who made the movie and say, I'd really like to talk about this movie. On air.

Chrissy (54:42)

Can I have 100%?

Brian Green (54:43)

Can I get a viewer? And to which they'll say, who? Who? Well, it's your old friends at TCB. And for the 33 hours of TCB, we'd like to talk about the Thomas Kincaid documentary.

Chrissy (54:59)

Maybe we'll get a full screening like we did, like in a theater.

Brian Green (55:03)

Oh, I did go to. I did do that once.

Chrissy (55:06)

I was supposed to go, but I couldn't. But yeah, you said was interesting.

Brian Green (55:10)

It was interesting. The theater was interesting. The people in the theater were interesting. The few of us that there was, the security guard keeping an eye on me was interesting. It was all very interesting. And the movie itself was not interesting. That's right. I'm sorry, I. Borderlands was not a good movie. And I think everyone agree. I think it's universally agreed upon, including some of the people who made the movie. They just don't like it. They tried, but it was just too weird and choppy and, you know, whatever. If you. If you're one of those people who knows about Borderlands and you watched Borderlands, I'm not saying anything sacrilegious, you understand, it was a really bad movie, but nonetheless, great actors and actresses in it. And our friend Gina Gershon was in it. That's right. Jack Black, Kevin Hart.

Chrissy (56:00)

There's a ton of people in it.

Brian Green (56:01)

Pedro Pascal, Jamie Lee Curtis. Jamie Lee Curtis was in it. That's right.

Chrissy (56:06)

Based on a game. A video game.

Brian Green (56:07)

A video game. A very popular video game. Like a very popular video game. But there are so many problems making a video game into. To a movie. This is like, notoriously a hard thing to do. And they didn't get it right on this one either. All right, you student drivers out there, look out, Brian's coming for you. I'm giving you no grace. Student drivers. I'm on to you. I see you, you inconsiderate, selfish pricks. No, I'm kidding. If you're a student driver and you want to denote that so we all take time, so we all take care around you, then. Then do it. But don't put a student driver. Why would you put a student driver sticker on the back of your car if you're not a student driver? To me it makes no sense. I don't understand. The only thing I can think of is that you're a bad driver and you want people to give you a little bit of room. Okay, all right.

Chrissy (56:59)

Well, I'm even okay with, like, bad drivers doing it, but actually just stupid people.

Brian Green (57:04)

That's right.

Chrissy (57:05)

Like this woman that you. It's terror doing illegal things.

Brian Green (57:09)

That's right. Tcbpodcast.com 212-4333 tcb@ the commercial break on Instagram and YouTube.com the commercial break for all the episodes the same day they air here. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now.

Chrissy (57:23)

I think so.

Brian Green (57:23)

I'll tell you that I love you. I'll say best to you and best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say we do say, and we must say goodbye. Ra.