Gift Of Love Made By (a Hairy) Hand!

Summary

The Commercial Break - Episode Summary

Episode Title: Gift Of Love Made By (a Hairy) Hand!

Date: February 14, 2025
Hosts: Bryan Green and Krissy Hoadley

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Overview

This Valentine’s Day episode of The Commercial Break (“TCB”) radiates chaotic, unfiltered comedy with Bryan and Krissy riffing on romance, cringey gifts, wild relationship stories, and the perils of falling in love too fast—especially when trapped on a cruise ship with a lemon. With their signature mix of improv banter and irreverent wisdom, they dissect love’s modern quirks, holiday pitfalls, and the blurry border between “sweet” and “psycho” romantic gestures.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Bizarre Crabapple Middle School Valentine’s Message ([00:06]–[01:34])

• The episode cold-opens with a parody “radio bit” of a nervous 6th grader, Billy, giving a deeply awkward video Valentine’s message to his teacher (“baby girl… I love you more than grains of sand on every beach”).
  • Hilarious cut-ins by a mock announcer concerned for Billy’s parents (“We’ll make sure Billy gets an ankle monitor”—[01:34]).
• Tone: Sets the comic, irreverent style for the rest of the show.

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2. Valentine’s & Parenting: From Daughters to Micro Bikinis ([02:46]–[07:44])

• Bryan’s Take on Valentine’s Day:
  • Thinks it’s an overrated Hallmark holiday, but feels compelled to “get my daughters flowers” ([03:06]).
  • Protective parent anxieties surface—he jokes about banning dating for several “decades” and being “the most important man in their life” ([04:10]).
  • Discussion of kids entering puberty younger, societal changes, and the challenges of modern parenting.
    • “Little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. Do you know what I’m saying?” — Bryan ([05:23])
• Swimwear Tangent:
  • Bryan recalls “bikini girl, thong girl” memories from his 20s—now, as a dad, he dreads his daughters wanting “cheeky bikinis” ([07:03]).
  • Krissy counsels acceptance: “They’re gonna do it regardless if you tell them not to. The more you tell them not to, the more they’ll want it.” ([07:13])

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3. Listener Story: Cruise Ship Romance—Disaster Edition ([09:33]–[16:52])

• Sarah’s Email: “My Horrible Hilarious Cruise Romance”

  • Sarah, longtime listener, recounts her cautionary vacation with “Trevor” after just three months of dating:
    • Red Flag 1: Packing disaster—Trevor brings only three swim trunks, no shirts, a PS5 controller, and zero sunscreen. ([11:58])
    • Red Flag 2: Trevor abuses the unlimited drink package; drunk before leaving port—dancing solo and critiquing the safety drill. ([12:45])
    • Red Flag 3: Buffet meltdown—drops a massive plate of “apocalypse buffet,” freezes, then abandons the disaster. ([14:35])
    • Red Flag 4: Over-the-top jealousy at Sarah laughing during the cruise comedy show; “Maybe you should date him instead.” ([14:36])
    • Red Flag 5: Loses wallet, blames Sarah, interrogates her, finds it in his own pocket.
  • Moral: “Don’t go on a cruise with someone you just started dating unless you’re ready to marry them or toss them overboard.”

• Host Reactions:

  • Bryan: “Congratulations on making one really smart choice, and that’s breaking up with Trevor.” ([17:44])
  • Krissy: Reflects that the cruise probably accelerated the inevitable realization; sometimes, disaster is destiny in disguise.

Memorable Quotes:

• “He stacked his plate like he was preparing for the apocalypse… takes two steps backwards and drops the entire plate. Trevor just stood there frozen, staring at the floor like he’d witnessed a murder.” — Sarah (story read by Bryan, ~[13:59])
• “This man announces shuffleboard tournaments. Please calm yourself down.” — Sarah, on jealous boyfriend ([14:36])

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4. When Valentine’s Day Gifts Go Wrong ([20:35]–[24:39])

• Bryan asks Krissy: “What’s the worst Valentine’s Day gift you’ve ever gotten?”
  • Krissy can’t recall any.
• Bryan confesses receiving a naked “flip-book” photo album from a woman he’d just started seeing—a month in, but realizes from a mirror reflection in the photo that “the pictures were actually shot by another guy.”
  • “These weren’t meant for me… someone else took these nude photographs of you. Thanks!” ([23:54])
  • The woman’s defense: “I really felt like they were… you know, I could give them to you and you’d make good use of them…” ([23:55])
• Anecdote about trying—but failing—to break up with a girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. Instead, they end up sleeping together and dragging the relationship on for three more years. ([24:10])

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5. Sweet or Psycho? — The Valentine’s Gift Judgment Game ([27:00]–[55:16])

A running segment: Bryan and Krissy debate whether a list of romantic gestures are “sweet” or “psycho,” especially early in relationships (e.g., one month in). Discussion laced with TCB’s trademark banter and self-aware immaturity.

Notable Gift Scenarios & Verdicts:

• Live Singing Telegram – Weird/psycho unless it’s from naked Dua Lipa. “If someone shows up at my door to sing, I’m done.” ([27:14])
• Giant Chocolate Sculpture of Yourself – “Absolutely creepy, call the police.” ([28:33])
• Bouquet of Hot Dogs – Sweet if you love hot dogs; otherwise, revolting. ([28:54])
• Personalized Romance Novel via ChatGPT – Creative, funny, sweet (“Might be sexy to get into a bedroom and start reading some hot porn…” [29:51])
• Heart-shaped Bathtub Jacuzzi – Cheesy but allowable if executed with humor (“Make it a joke!” [30:44])
• Perfume/Candle Made From Pheromones – Too creepy early on; maybe okay after a year ([33:25], [45:52])
• Playlist of Love Songs Sung by Your Partner – Only sweet for couples deeply in love, and only if your partner can actually sing ([33:27])
• Teddy Bear That Talks Sexy – Borderline disturbing; “Stay away.” ([34:18])
• Lock of Hair or Vial of Blood in a Locket – Ultra-psycho. “Call the police type creepy. We don’t do this ever.” ([35:03])
• Scrapbook of Texts – “Stalkery… a little weird” so early. ([36:17])
• Naming a Star After Someone – Bryan did this; Astid was unimpressed, but he still finds it “cute and romantic.” ([36:44])
• Hand-knitted Clothing – Maybe sweet if you’re a knitter, but unnecessary for Bryan. A beanie for his penis (“A peony!”) playfully suggested. ([37:47])
• Date on a Gondola at the Mall – “Nope. If it’s in Italy, I’m in. Mall, not so much.” ([38:17])
• Crossword Puzzle of Private Jokes – Sweet/funny if kept short. ([39:48])

Rapid-Fire Lightning Round (Selected)

• Toilet Seat with Initials – No.
• Pet (Dog/Goldfish) – Never as a gift after a month. Responsibility issues ([43:26], [51:20])
• PowerPoint “Why We’re Perfect” – “No, that’s straight up conspiracy-level weird.” ([48:13])
• Tattoo of Anniversary or Name – Never before a decade in (if ever). ([50:56])
• Pinata Filled with Candies/Liquor – Only if it’s really fun or personal ([49:48])
• Shower Curtain with Your Face – Just gross ([52:16])
• Custom ASMR Recording – Creepy but funny if a clear joke ([53:29])
• Subscription to a Dating App “just in case” – Funny but a definite “no” ([54:00])
• Emojis-Only Love Poem, Heart Balloon – Meh ([54:47])
• Food Truck Stand “Romantic Dinner” – Can work for some, but not by default ([55:17])

Best Gift Advice:

• “Don’t break up with anybody on Valentine’s Day, it’s unlikely you’ll follow through if you have any kind of heart.” — Bryan ([55:30])
• “Make sure the photographs you’re taking for your loved one are taken by you and you alone.” ([55:37])
• “If you’re alone today, don’t worry about it. If you’re choosing that, you’re choosing yourself. Happy Valentine’s Day to you!” ([56:59])
• “Love yourself! Clap your own cheeks!” ([57:11])

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6. Finale: Loving Yourself & Parting Wisdom ([56:59]–[59:08])

• Bryan and Krissy close with a no-holds-barred encouragement:
  • “If you’re alone…buy yourself a little gift, a little treat.” — Krissy ([57:09])
  • “Remember to get those 21 EPMs in, kids… check your tits, check your balls, jizz a lot, investigate your own body…” — Bryan ([57:11])
  • “Find your G spot. Then it doesn’t matter what somebody gets you.” — Bryan ([57:46])
  • “Words of romantic wisdom from one whacker offer to another wacker offer.” — Bryan ([57:57])

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Memorable Moments & Quotes (with Timestamps)

• Billy’s Valentine to Teacher Bit ([00:32]–[01:34])
  • “I love you more than there are grains of sand on every beach… galaxy of the universe… I need you in my life.”
• Cruise Story Nutty Red Flags (Sarah’s Email) ([11:58]–[16:52])
  • “PS5 controller, three trunks, no shirts… The man immediately started abusing the unlimited drinks package.”
  • “Meanwhile, the staff and I are frantically trying to clean up what he just did. Trevor just leaves.”
• On Receiving ‘Reused’ Nude Photographs ([23:54]–[23:55])
  • “These weren’t meant for me…someone else took these nude photographs of you. Thanks.”
• Locked in a Relationship by Accident ([24:10])
  • “It went from let’s break up to we fucked… then three years later, I’m breaking up with her again.”
• Gifts Judgment Game ([27:00]–[55:16])
  • “A giant chocolate sculpture of yourself—absolutely creepy, call the police.”
  • “A lock of hair in a locket is ‘call the police’ creepy. Blood? Even worse.”
  • “A custom printed shower curtain with a full size U on it—no, no, no, no.”
• Ultimate Valentine’s Advice ([55:30]–[56:59])
  • “Don’t break up with anybody on Valentine’s Day…”
  • “Make sure the photographs you’re taking for your loved one are taken by you and you alone…”

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Notable Timestamps

• [00:06] – Parody middle school Valentine’s video
• [02:46] – Hosts’ take on V-Day and childhood anecdotes
• [09:33] – Listener Sarah’s disastrous cruise romance
• [20:55] – Worst Valentine’s gifts
• [27:00] – “Sweet or Psycho” game segment begins
• [38:17] – “Gondola at the mall” scenario
• [43:26] – Pet gifts debate
• [50:56] – Tattoo debate
• [55:17] – Romantic food truck dinner
• [56:59] – Final thoughts: self-love and Valentine’s wisdom

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Final Takeaway

The Commercial Break’s Valentine’s special delivers on its reputation for “cheesecake factory” abundance of silly stories, snark, and playful judgment. Bryan and Krissy remind listeners—through riotous hypotheticals and cringe anecdotes—that love is best not rushed, that taste in gifts is truly subjective, and that sometimes, the best Valentine you can have is yourself.

Bryan: “Find your G spot… Then it doesn’t matter what somebody gets you. You’ll always be able to get yourself off.” ([57:46])
Krissy: “That’s right.”

Best to you—and best to you out there in the podcast universe!

Transcript

[Brian Green]

Foreign.

[Announcer]

And welcome back to wshit. Each year on Valentine's Day, as a public service to the community of Crabapple, WSHIT provides air time for the Crabapple Middle School students to say a few nice Valentine's Day words to their teachers. Next up is Billy. He's in sixth grade. And here's his Valentine's Day video message to Mrs. Briona.

[Billy]

Hi, baby girl. Everything's okay. I promise. I forgive you. It's okay. Don't worry about it. Everything's gonna be okay. I love you. I love you so much. I love you more than there are grains of sand on every beach.

[Announcer]

Oh, Billy. Billy, I think we should stop while we're ahead. What do you think?

[Billy]

Galaxy of the universe. And I need you in my life. I need you more than Billy.

[Brian Green]

Can you hear me?

[Billy]

Food to survive. You mean more to me than.

[Announcer]

Does anyone have Billy's parents phone number?

[Billy]

Than just anything. You mean more to me than gold and diamonds.

[Announcer]

I think Billy is said enough, don't you?

[Billy]

To the greediest burglar. And you're just the most perfect, most beautiful girl on all four.

[Announcer]

Okay, Jim in control room. Let's go ahead and cut it.

[Billy]

I hope you enjoy watching this, baby girl.

[Announcer]

Oh, dear.

[Billy]

See you at school call tomorrow, baby girl. I love you.

[Announcer]

Well, it seems like Billy's got a growing affection for his teacher. We'll make sure Billy gets an ankle monitor. And then we'll be back to this episode of the commercial break.

[Brian Green]

On this episode of the commercial break. But here's where it got terrible. As I was flipping through the pictures, looking at the photographs, getting myself all excited, I realized that she was not the person taking the photographs. Like this was before iPhones had that capability. And on one of the photographs, there was a mirror behind her, and you could see the flash and the hand of a man. So I was like, oh, well, thanks. These weren't meant for me. This was someone else taking nude photographs of you. Thanks.

[Chrissy]

Like, I'll reuse them.

[Brian Green]

The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is the Casanova to my salt bae, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris. Best to you.

[Chrissy]

Right?

[Brian Green]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. And happy Valentine's Day to those who do, to those who partake, to those who believe in love, in romance, in wooing the one you care about. Congratulations to you. I hope you're doing something special for this day. Though Astrid and I do not Make a big deal out of Valentine's Day.

[Chrissy]

We don't either.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I find it to be a Hallmark card kind of day. You know what I'm saying?

[Chrissy]

Every day is Valentine's Day.

[Brian Green]

Every day should be Valentine's Day. But I forget most of the days like I do on Valentine's Day. Now that I have daughters, though, I don't forget Valentine's Day. I do believe every woman should get flowers on Valentine's Day. So I make. I make it a point of going to the store, even if it's just the cheapy roses. And I go and I get my daughter some flowers, and I give them a little card and a kiss and a hug, and I tell them how beautiful they are and how wonderful they are and how smart they are and how boys drool and girls rule. Don't even think about it. There's, like, a little boy who's on a face. I don't want to get into all the details because my wife hates when I give details about the family, but there's, like, a little boy who's been showing up on some WhatsApp phone, video phone calls attached somewhere to the family. And I feel like there's a little setup going on here. Do you know what I'm saying? And so I am very upset about this. Now, both of these children aren't even old enough to speak full sentences yet, but I'm very upset. I am very protective already.

[Chrissy]

Not surprised.

[Brian Green]

I am not ready for any of this. I'm not ready for it. So just give me five to ten decades, and I certainly will consider allowing my daughters to date another boy. I should be the most important man in their life.

[Chrissy]

Oh, you always will.

[Brian Green]

For at least little longer. For at least a little longer. But then I was reading, and I know this is not Valentine's Day talk, but let me. Let's have a conversation. I was reading that now 15 to 17% of women and a study done across the world, 15 to 17% of girls. Excuse me, are getting their periods by the age of nine. Nine.

[Chrissy]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

Nine. That's incredible. Yeah.

[Chrissy]

That's really.

[Brian Green]

That is crazy. You can get pregnant at 9. I mean, I know that there have been random cases of this happening, but, you know, they're saying that all the antibiotics and the steroids that they put in the food and the plastics in our brain and all this shit is causing girls to go into puberty much earlier. And if you look at some of these guys, if you look at some of these kids today that are in high school, Guys and girls, they're full grown adults. They look that way. I understand they're not like in their brain, but they physically appear to be adults. And that is scary because I have kids and I, you know, as long as they can stay kids, be little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Chrissy]

Yes. Enjoy the time now.

[Brian Green]

I just want to enjoy the time. I don't want to have to worry about, you know. And listen, I'm raising them correctly. They can handle themselves. They have autonomy. I'm not here to play helicopter dad. But when it comes to the girls, I still, I think I'm a little old fashioned. Like, I never ex. If you took me to a beach 20 years ago, right? I would have oohed and awed at all of the girls in the bikinis. I would have oohed.

[Chrissy]

How about my pool at my apartment?

[Brian Green]

Yes, your pool.

[Chrissy]

15.

[Brian Green]

Bikini girl, bikini girl. Thong girl. That's right. Thong girl, thong girl. The love that never was. The love that was never meant to be. Because Brian was 26 Bud lights in, and missed the phone call. Okay, I get it, but she had a thong on. And this is like we're talking like 15 years ago at a time when the bathing suits weren't as cheeky as they are now. Certainly there was ass hanging out in a lot of pools across the country, especially the apartment pools where the young kids live. But this girl was wearing a straight up micro bikini, a string up her butt, and she was beautiful. And I was all about it. I couldn't get away from it actually. And so I found my. I managed to maneuver my way over the course of an afternoon in 30 bud lights into her orbit. Orbit. And we connected. And then she. I missed the phone call. I just missed the phone call. She said she was going to meet us. She called, I didn't answer. But anyway, that to me was a. Now I look at these string bikinis in a totally different way. I do not look at them like, oh, wow, that woman is attractive. I look at it like, please don't let my daughter pick that bikini to wear under any circumstances.

[Chrissy]

But she will.

[Brian Green]

Oh, I know she will.

[Chrissy]

It's happened to us.

[Brian Green]

Astrid keeps warning me. She's like, brian, they're gonna do it regardless if you tell them not to. And the more that you tell them not to, the more they're gonna want to do it.

[Chrissy]

That's right.

[Brian Green]

I did it. My, you know, my friends did it. Everybody and my cousins did it. And that's just the way it is these days. Asses are hanging out. You're going to have to deal with it. The girls are going to want to do this and they're going to want to do this young. And so you need to learn to let it go. Like, of course we're not going to let our daughter go naked. You know, at 13 years old on the beach, she's like, but she's going to want to wear a cheeky bikini. That's just the way that it is. That's the style. And I'm like, fuck, Fuck. Take me back, Calgon. Take me away. Take me back to the time when I didn't have to worry about this shit.

[Chrissy]

You still got some time.

[Brian Green]

Okay. All right. Well, anyway, it's a day for romance and love here on the commercial break. We don't want to let the Valentine's Day go without talking a little bit about relationships, romance and love and breakups and all the other things that come with it. So I have a story that I have been saving. When we have been talking about the cruising and the potential TCB cruise, unofficial TCB cruise on the Margaritaville cruise ship. And by the way, people, people texted in, they were like, we're in, we're in. And so, I mean, I know we're not really good at following through on anything outside of this studio and barely anything inside the studio, but we have to take, give some serious consideration to taking just like a two day cruise, three day cruise on a Margaritaville ship where we do an unofficial TCB cruise now. So we've been talking about the cruise ships a lot lately, from the incidents and accidents to, you know, bring in your loved one on the cruises and all about the cruise lines from the Ritz Carlton to the Margaritaville cruise ships. We've been having a lot of discussion about this on the show and I got a story for you.

[Rachel]

Nice.

[Chrissy]

Oh, the music.

[Brian Green]

Oh, God. That just brings back memories, doesn't it?

[Chrissy]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Green]

Do you know what? You know what song this is? Okay, hang tight, here it comes. It's the lengthy version. It's the live version. Love. Exciting and new. Oh, yeah. Bring it back. My board. I'm expecting you. And love, I mean, this is so diner. This is not even fun. This is so Holiday Inn, fuzzy 70s yacht rock. I just love it. All right, you ready for a story?

[Chrissy]

I am ready.

[Brian Green]

This is from Sarah, not indicating where she's from, but the Midwest. And she has really thought this one out. She has done a well, well written, great punctuation, perfect capitalization, lots of Bold letters. Here we go. You ready?

[Chrissy]

I'm ready.

[Brian Green]

The subject is my horrible hilarious cruise romance. Hey Brian and Chrissy. I finally done something so dumb I think it qualifies to write into the show. I love you guys. I've been listening forever and this is my first, but probably not last cautionary tale. A few years ago I made the mistake of going on a seven day cruise with a guy I had only been dating for three months. Three months. Three months.

[Chrissy]

You need to get in that, that stage where you know, you're like, we're in love. It's great.

[Brian Green]

My opinion, just my opinion. Sarah, you need to be at like six months to do your full seven days.

[Chrissy]

That's all seven days traps together.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Do a long weekend, a long, long weekend at a hotel where you can get away if you need to. You know what I'm saying? So we go on the seven day cruise. Three. Not three years, not even six months. Three months. Let's call this guy Trevor because honestly, if you hear the story and picture him as a Trevor, it just makes more sense. I love that. Now I know what you're thinking. Why? Why would you trap yourself in the middle of an ocean with a near stranger for seven days? And to. And to that I say love makes you do stupid shit.

[Chrissy]

It does. It sounds like a good idea at the time.

[Brian Green]

Okay, when Trevor first suggested the trip, I thought, wow, how romantic. I pictured Titanic level romance minus the iceberg, cute dinners, holding hands on the deck, maybe a towel, animal or two. But what I actually got was a non stop floating nightmare. Okay, this is where we get into bullet points. So follow me here. Red flag number one, the packing disaster. The night before the trip, I casually asked, hey, you got everything you need? Passport, sunscreen, normal human clothes. And Trevor waved me off as if I was nagging him. Fast forward to the cruise terminal. He unzips his suitcase and reveals three pairs of swim trunks but no shirts. One pair of flip flops that he planned to wear everywhere including the formal nights. A PS5 controller, a single travel sized bottle of three in one shampoo, conditioner and body wash. No sunscreen. And when I pointed this out, he scoffed, I don't sunburn. And y', all, he was blonde and practically translucent.

[Chrissy]

Oh yeah, this is off to a great start.

[Brian Green]

Red flag Numero DOS.

[Chrissy]

A P5 controller.

[Brian Green]

Like a gaming PS5 controller gaming. But there, but she notes here There was no PS5 anywhere on the boat. Why would you bring a controller if there's no PS5? Maybe wishful thinking. I guess. I don't know. Yeah, this is the Margaritaville cruise ship. What do we got going on here? You think they got to give you a PS5 there? They don't even do that on Disney where you pay $20,000 for a one day cruise. Red flag number two, he got wasted before we even left the dock. Yeah, that. Well, well, now listen, as a former heavy drinker, I can share with you that oftentimes I was wasted before I even got out of bed. Okay? So I'm not going to knock the guy until I hear the entire story. When you're on vacation, it's like your.

[Chrissy]

Vacation starts that morning.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it's not a red flag, it's a yellow flag. Let's say that. And if you're not drinking with him, maybe that's inches into a darker yellow flag, but it's certainly not a full red flag. Not in my opinion. The second we boarded, Trevor sprinted toward the nearest bar like he was an Olympic athlete in the 100 meter, 100 meter Pina Colada dash. The man immediately started abusing the unlimited drinks package. By the time we set sail, Trevor was dancing alone to a steel drum band, loudly critiquing the emergency drills system because apparently the live vest instructions were too boring for him. And challenging a 10 year old to a game of ping pong, which I might add, he lost that night. I thought, okay, fine, he's just excited. We're on vacation. Let him live. I had no idea that this was just a preview of the chaos ahead. Red flag three. The great buffet meltdown. On day three, Trevor woke up hangry and not so cute. He said, I need a little snack. That's the kind of hangry he was. But he was throwing a full blown toddler tantrum. So we hit the buffet. He stacked his plate like he was preparing for the apocalypse. I mean, waffles, bacon lasagna, shrimp cocktails, sushi bread rolls. Yeah, that's a great thing about a cruise ship too. This is a yellow flag again. But putting it all together, I see where you're going with this. He put it all on one plate. He gets back to the table, takes two steps backwards and drops the entire plate on the floor. Here's where it gets weird. Trevor just stood there frozen, staring at the floor like he had witnessed a murder. Meanwhile, the staff and I are frantically trying to clean up what he just did. What was I supposed to do? Was what was he supposed to do? Turn around and then he just leaves.

[Chrissy]

What?

[Brian Green]

Just walked away? No apology, no explanation? Like the buffet was now haunted and he could never return. Red flag number four. He got jealous of the cruise director. That night we went to a comedy show, and the cruise director, a very nice married man, a 50 something dad, I assume, whose job is literally to entertain people, made a joke, and when I laughed a little too hard, Trevor got weird. Trevor did not like this. He got quiet, sulky, and he asked what I. When I asked what was wrong, he muttered, well, if you think he's so funny, maybe you should date him instead. I had to sit there and explain to a grown man that I was not planning to run away with the cruise director. Sir, this man announces shuffleboard tournaments. Please calm yourself down. That leads to red flag number five. He lost his wallet and somehow blamed me. Oh, on the last day, Trevor lost his wallet. Now what? Now was where I. Now was where? Wait. Now was I there when he lost it? No. Oh. Now was I there when he lost it? No, I was not. Had I touched his wallet at any point? No. But this did not stop him from accusing me of misplacing it. I absolutely did not. For an hour, he stomped around the cabin, flipping over couch cushions, shaking his already empty suitcase and letting out deep, dramatic sighs. He even interrogated me like I was on trial. Trevor said, are you sure you didn't move it? I said, I literally don't know what your wallet looks like, Trevor. Yeah, but sometimes you. You misorganize stuff, don't you? Me? Have we ever organized anything together? Finally, he checked his pocket where his wallet had been the entire time. After an hour of blaming me, I was officially over it. I broke up with him before we even got through the cruise terminal. Moral of the story? Do not go on a cruise with someone you just started dating unless you're fully prepared to either marry them or toss them overboard as if you were on a Carnival cruise. I love you guys. Thank you for the many years of laughter. Thank you, and thank you for the free therapy. Sarah from the Midwest.

[Chrissy]

And we love you, Sarah.

[Brian Green]

We do love you, Sarah. And that is a fantastic story. And this is a. You know, this is a good reminder here on Valentine's Day that there's no rush. You can just take things at your own pace. I think the kids today, the young youngsters, the Utes, today, they feel like they have to rush and make a decision about, you know, who they're going to marry within a day. The people get ghost. You know, they go on half a date and they get ghosted. They make no decision. Take your time. To get to know somebody and then go on a seven day cruise with them. Listen, this is coming from a guy who literally dragged Astrid to Atlanta within a month of meeting her for an entire 10 days away from her friends and family. But that was a situation where we clearly knew like there was something in the ethos. You had to have had some kind of red flag with Trevor before you went on a cruise. This I don't think you just showed up to the cruise and all of a sudden he started.

[Chrissy]

I'm assuming he got red flags too.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, and I'm assuming. I'm assuming this. He's sunburned, he's drunk, he's blaming you, he's trying to play PS3 on the wall. I guess. I'm not sure he's getting jealous of the cruise. Direct. Listen, the whole thing is just sounds like a show. Congratulations on making one really smart choice. And that's breaking up with Trevor.

[Chrissy]

Well, I was going to say maybe that accelerated it. Maybe the cruise though accelerated. It could have taken a long time to figure out.

[Brian Green]

So listen, I believe in the positive side. I believe in fate. Everything happens for a reason. And believing in fate is you're either all in or all out. Think about this for a second. If one thing happens for a reason, every other thing also happens for a reason. It's like you can't be kind of pregnant. You can't kind of believe in fate. So Chrissy might be right about this. Maybe this was just the universe's way of accelerating your knowledge of not wanting to be with Trevor or Trevor was not the guy. And listen now having known a few Trevor's in my life, I can totally understand where you're coming from with this. They all seem to drink a lot. All the Trevors that I know seem to drink a lot.

[Billy]

That's true.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Again, this is coming from a guy who drank a lot. But you know, if it wasn't for children I'd still be 18 bud lights deep by 3 o' clock in the afternoon most days. But hey Sarah, thank you very much for writing in. It was a well thought out, well written email. A plus marks all around for punctuation and for storytelling and everything. Teacher. Professor. Professor. Brian gives you a plus. Ah, plus in red. Yes, in red. To indicate that I could at any time give you less marks. That's right. All right, let's do this. I got a fun game to play here for Valentine's Day. Sweet or psycho? Let's make some decisions about the gifts that we could give for Valentine's day. Are they sweet or are they psycho? We'll be back and we'll talk about it.

[Rachel]

Hey, it's Rachel, your new voice of God here on tcb. And just like you, I'm wondering just how much longer this podcast can continue. Let's all rejoice that another episode has made it to your ears. And I'll rejoice that my check is in the mail. Speaking of mail, get your free TCB sticker in the mail by going to tcbpodcast.com and visiting the Contact Us page. You can also find the entire commercial break library audio and video, just in case you want to look at chrissy@tcb podcast.com Want your voice to be on an episode of the show? Leave us a message at 212-4333, TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Tell us how much you love us and we'll be sure to let the world know on a future episode. Or you could make fun of us. That'd be fine, too. We might not air that, but maybe. Oh, and if you're shy, that's okay. Just send a text. We'll respond. Now, I'm gonna go check the mailbox for payment while you check out our sponsors, and then we'll return to this episode of the Commercial Break.

[Brian Green]

All right, so I was in the shower, and I was thinking about what, can we do something fun for Valentine's Day? And, you know, there's a lot of different things that people talk about on Valentine's Day. Podcasts like ours talk about on Valentine's Day, but I was thinking about all the gifts that I've gotten over the years from various lovers and of the sword. Lovers. That's what I like to call them. I like to call them lovers.

[Chrissy]

Former lovers.

[Brian Green]

Yes, former lovers. Former mistresses of the night, if you will. Chrissy, I was known to be a coxman in my younger years.

[Chrissy]

I saw it.

[Brian Green]

I didn't get laid much, but, you.

[Chrissy]

Know, I saw it in action.

[Brian Green]

I got a lot of phone numbers.

[Chrissy]

I was your wing girl.

[Brian Green]

Not real phone number. That's right. You were my wing girl. I was. I had. I had a thing. It was a thing you did. I wasn't like a pickup artist. I certainly wasn't walking home with girls all over my shoulders every single night. You know, I wasn't that guy. But I had a way of wearing you down. Mainly bartenders, I think I've shared by the end of the night. It's likely that that bartender Wanted a big tip, and she was willing to give me a fake phone number in order to get it. But I would. I was never a pickup line kind of guy. I never imposed on anybody. I wasn't touchy or, you know, I mean, I would be touchy if I knew you, but I wasn't touchy. Like, you know, I didn't come up and grab women or anything like that. I wasn't like a Casanova. I just used my wit and my charm to eventually make you so irritated that you would give me your phone number. Just like here on the commercial break. I make you so irritated, eventually you subscribe. But that. That was my nature. But, you know, some of these ladies, they were very sweet, and they would get me a little something on Valentine's Day. And occasionally those things were. I took as intended. Sometimes I think that. What is the worst Valentine's Day gift you've ever gotten?

[Chrissy]

I've ever gotten?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I'm changing thoughts real quick, but I just want. I'm curious about this.

[Chrissy]

I can't think of a bad one.

[Brian Green]

You can't think of a bad one? Okay.

[Chrissy]

Not off the top of my head.

[Brian Green]

I think probably the worst Valentine's Day gift that I got was from a young lady. I think I've told this story before. She just came on a little too strong. And when I say a little too strong, I mean a lot too strong. I came home one, like, we had just started talking and kind of got a little long distance romance. She came into town when I was at work one day. I left my apartment door open so she could come there and we could meet to go to dinner. And when I got there, she was naked on my couch, spurred eagle. And she was like, let's walk off together.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And I was like, whack off together. You just got. I just. I. This is the first time I'm physically seeing you in person. I mean, I appreciate the effort, but, yeah, it felt a little weird. Yeah, it felt too soon. Too much too soon. And she gave me a series of pictures in, like, a flip book that were very graphic.

[Chrissy]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

Which was great, fine, wonderful. Right. I could appreciate that's a sexy thing to do. I felt like it was a little bit too much for Valentine's Day, given we had only been seeing each other for a month. And, like, kind of even loosely seeing each other for a month. But here's where it got terrible. As I was flipping through the pictures, looking at the photographs, getting myself all excited, I realized that she was not the person taking the Photographs, like, this was before iPhones had that capability. And on one of the photographs, there was a mirror behind her, and you could see the flash and the hand of a man. So I was like, oh, well, thanks. These weren't meant for me. This was someone else taking nude photographs of you. Oh, thanks.

[Chrissy]

I'll reuse them.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And when I asked her about this, she was like, well, I had taken them with someone else, but I really felt like they were. You know, I could give them to you and you'd make good use of them. I was like, thanks. I appreciate it. Yeah. I one time tried to break up with somebody on a Valentine's Day.

[Chrissy]

Oh, no.

[Brian Green]

You know who? The first time I tried to break up, and I just got like. I don't know what happened. I consider myself pretty slick. And, like, you know, I think that I have a good head on my shoulders. I went in there with the full intention of disconnecting this relationship because there were just way too many red flags to ignore early on. We're talking, like, a month into the relationship, and I don't know what happened. It went from let's break up to we fucked. And then we were like. And, like, in 15 minutes, it was like, I think it's best if we don't see each other.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

To flipping it around. All of a sudden, we're having sex, and then three years later, I'm breaking up with her again. It was really weird, actually. I don't know, there was some kind of magic spell or the hard ones with the hard ones with the hard ones. And Raphael was staying at my house at the time, and he was. And because I was having a lot of Asia about the fact that we were supposed to see each other. It was Valentine's Day. We've been dating for very little anxiety.

[Chrissy]

Like, dating someone that, you know is not going to work out. And all of a sudden, it's Valentine's Day.

[Brian Green]

It's Valentine's Day. What do you do? How do you handle it?

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. So I decided to do it on Valentine's Day. Well, I got convinced by Raphael. Rafa was like, listen, it doesn't matter what day. No day is a good day. The day after Valentine's Day, the day before Valentine's Day. And I was having a lot of stress about this. I was like, I just don't think it's the right thing to do. And he was like, dude, you're going to see her. You know, this is bad news. Just be kind and tell her the truth. It's not like you guys have been dating for four years. Like she's expecting some.

[Chrissy]

Not like you're going to.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, like you're gonna put a ring on her finger and then all of a sudden you break up with her. Just share with her. And we weren't even going out on a date. We were just meeting up after she got off of work. So she comes over to the. You know, we go somewhere. She comes over to the house and I say, hey, listen, this really isn't working out. And then I don't know what happened. I. The rest of the night is a blur. I just remember she were bammed. What are you. Three years missing? Three years of my life just went down. Well, I am. Where did you go? You're older, skinnier and stressed out. More of an alcoholic than you ever were. You have no money, no friends, no car, no job. Congratulations, things worked out great.

[Chrissy]

That's love of your life.

[Brian Green]

Some Valentine's Day gifts were just not meant to be given. And some could be considered sweet or psycho. Like some nude photographs that were taken by another man.

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Brian Green]

Do you know what I'm saying?

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

All right, so I got a list of these together and I thought it would be good to make a decision about whether or not these gifts. Or Sweet or psycho. Oh, yeah. Let's play it. I love this music. I really.

[Chrissy]

Is this from a specific one?

[Brian Green]

This is the Dating Game.

[Chrissy]

Dating Game.

[Brian Green]

The Dating Game. The original Dating Game. The very one. Okay, you ready?

[Announcer]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Sweet or psycho? A live singing telegram. A live singing telegram. Sweet or psycho?

[Chrissy]

Weird.

[Brian Green]

Weird. What are they singing? That's true. What are they singing? Is a good question. I think under any circumstances someone shows up to my door to sing an actual holiday greeting card. Yeah, I'm done.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I say no. That's not for me. I also guess it depends on how long I've been dating.

[Chrissy]

Well, true. I was going to say that that could probably be applied to a lot of these. Let's just assume it's a month if.

[Brian Green]

Astrid sent Dua Lipa, right?

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

What if it's a nude? Nude Dua Lipa. Yeah. Best thing ever. Best thing ever.

[Chrissy]

Should we just assume these are all like, you've been dating a month?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Let's say this is you've been dating a long term. No long term. Because long term relationships, anything. Go.

[Chrissy]

Yes, exactly.

[Brian Green]

Could be funny. It could be sweet.

[Chrissy]

I was trying to be creative after three years or whatever.

[Brian Green]

And listen, everybody's a little psycho. You know what I'm saying? Everyone's a Little psycho.

[Chrissy]

Everybody is an inner tap in.

[Brian Green]

Yes, that's right. You know, there's like a. There's a relationship that's breaking up in my universe and everyone's acting a little nutty.

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Brian Green]

But everyone acts a little nutty when things get stressful in a relationship. You know what I'm saying? Love can make you do stupid shit. We just heard Sarah say it. She went on a three day, seven day cruise with a Dum Dum with a PS5 controller and no shirts.

[Chrissy]

Trevor.

[Brian Green]

Trevor. A very large sculpture made of chocolate of yourself.

[Chrissy]

No.

[Brian Green]

Absolutely creepy. Call the police immediately.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

And does it melt? Like, I mean, big chocolate things? No, just stay away from big chocolate things. Get real good chocolate. Like Godivas or one of those fancy brands. A boutique. A bouquet of hot dogs instead of flowers. Now, romantic or revolting.

[Chrissy]

Unless you really love hot dogs.

[Brian Green]

Unless you really love hot dogs.

[Chrissy]

Like your thing.

[Brian Green]

I do like hot dogs. I don't think I'm allowed to eat them anymore, but I do like hot dogs. My hypertension won't let me, but I will say if I'm a big hot dog fan.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Hey, listen. It's original.

[Chrissy]

It is original.

[Brian Green]

It's kind of sweet. It's kind of funny and kind of sweet. A personalized romance novel where your partner is the Casanova. Like, your partner is the main character.

[Chrissy]

And then you're the other person.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Then you're the person getting fucked, I guess. Like a hot and steamy romance novel made by. Made by Chatgpt. Just for you. Oh, well, I think that's sweet. Maybe.

[Chrissy]

Yeah. I mean, I think that's a good one.

[Brian Green]

Tina agrees.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

You like that one? I do like that one. Yes. That's. It's creative and hilarious and a little weird. Yeah, I agree. I think that. I think what might be hot and steamy is just like me doing the Santa Claus porn reading, which some people liked and some people found revolting.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I would say that that might be sexy to get into a bedroom with somebody and start reading some hot porn and.

[Rachel]

Totally.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Get all jizzed up and. Yeah.

[Rachel]

Stories.

[Chrissy]

Yeah. And then the key would be that then he would have to actually do the things that were in the book.

[Brian Green]

True. Yeah. Yes.

[Chrissy]

But he or she.

[Brian Green]

I can't do that. I'm not. I'm not physically capable of most things. Missionary, you want to be on top. That's perfect for me. I like that. I like that. I'll sit there and listen. I practice tantra. I could go for five, six, seven, Straight minutes. And then give me five, six, seven hours and I'll go back for another five, six, seven minutes. Maybe even eight minutes on the second time. A little less sensitive. You know how it goes. Chrissy, I don't need to tell you, you and Jeff are over there doing your own romance novel. Yeah, you porn actors and actresses. Let's say someone takes you to a hotel where they have a heart shaped bathtub Jacuzzi.

[Chrissy]

It's cheesy, but I'll go with it. I'll allow it.

[Brian Green]

I'll allow it. I will allow it. I will say kind of creepy, but if I know the person well enough and I feel comfortable with it, maybe.

[Chrissy]

It'S like a funny.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, maybe it's funny. And you know, they still have these around.

[Chrissy]

They do, yeah.

[Brian Green]

You know, I think Niagara Falls was like famous for inventing this whole bathtub Jacuzzi in the room. When Astrid and I went to the Hard Rock in. Astrid and I went to the Hard Rock in the Dominican Republic.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And they had a Jacuzzi with a waterfall that came down into the Jacuzzi right in the middle of the room. Right in the middle of the room. It was really strange. What now?

[Chrissy]

Yes. Well, so Jeff and I, years ago, I mean, we'd always go every year up to the mountains. I think you remember that we would go up to the mountains for his birthday.

[Brian Green]

I was following October. October.

[Chrissy]

It's beautiful. So we rented this cabin up there and same thing. I mean, the cabin seemed absolutely, absolutely normal and nice. Everything was great. We walk into the bedroom and there's a Jacuzzi in the middle of the bedroom. I was like, well, that's.

[Brian Green]

Was it sunken into the floor? Yeah, it was.

[Chrissy]

Well, no, no, it wasn't sunk in it.

[Brian Green]

It was just sitting on the floor.

[Chrissy]

And it even had too like a thing around it. You know the shower curtain.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Same with the one in the Dominican Republic. Yeah, it had this weird wrapping around it.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, it was pretty funny. Of course I ended up having, you know, having a bunch of wine. I was like, I gotta get on this thing. Of course I ended up almost slipping as I was getting in and ripped the whole curtain.

[Brian Green]

We've had some good times in Jacuzzi. Remind me to tell the Jacuzzi story about when we went to the mountains with our Russian friend and a couple other people and her friend. Remind me to tell you about that story because the ending is really funny anyway. Yeah, that was the exact same thing in the Dominican Republic. It was a big Jacuzzi in The middle of the room, it had a waterfall that would fill up the Jacuzzi bathtub with all kinds of different lighting scenarios with, like, a controller on the bed. And I was like, wow. And you know what? Well, I'm not going to. That's. It might be a little too personal. Astro might not like that. But anyway, we. We didn't put the Jacuzzi to use, but we put the room to good use, let's put it that way. I think we felt a little nervous. You know, who knows who's cleaning those things? You know, who knows? And it's the Dominican Republic and so not no knock on them, but, you know, you don't know where the water's coming. You know, you get a little. You get a little skeeved out. We're germaphobes, basically, is what I'm trying to say. A custom perfume made from your partner's pheromones. I would say this. Sure. But, you know, okay, I'll accept it. But I don't think it's the best gift to give a month in. No, no, Not a month in. This might be something you do a year in. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Chrissy]

Yeah, that's true.

[Brian Green]

A playlist of love songs, but your partner is the one singing them. Cute. Good effort. I'd say a for effort, but maybe a little bit too much effort for so early on.

[Rachel]

Yeah, that's.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I think you gotta be really in love.

[Chrissy]

And they would depend on the songs.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, 100% correct. Totally agree with you.

[Chrissy]

And the voice.

[Brian Green]

And the Voice. True. I'm not going to listen to an hour of Astrid singing. No, no, knock on Astrid singing.

[Chrissy]

Now, if It's Harry Connick Jr. That's giving it to his wife, that's perfect.

[Brian Green]

Perfect. Yes. If you're Adele and you're making a playlist for your husband. Cool.

[Chrissy]

That's great.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. A teddy bear that says I love you and then also says sexy things in a sexy voice. I say no on this one. I'm declining the bear that talks to me sweetly.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, the bear's a little weird.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I think that's Hawking Bear. Yeah, that's weird. Yeah. No, stay away. Let's not go to the fucking Build A Bear workshop for yet another event. Okay. As a guy who's been to a few Build A Bear workshops, I don't think those are for adults, but, man, do I see a lot of adults at the Build A Bear workshop.

[Chrissy]

You know, there was that talking bear. Was it Teddy.

[Brian Green]

Teddy Ruxpin? Yes. Yeah, I had a Teddy Ruxpin and.

[Chrissy]

Some people would, like, you know, put porn on it.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Chrissy]

Do different things to the Teddy Ruxpin.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, only after the Internet came along, right? Yeah, the Internet fucked us all. Just letting you know that a lock of hair in a locket is Call the police type creepy. We don't do this ever. Not 30 years in, you don't do this. This.

[Chrissy]

What about the blood? Remember Angelina Jolie and Billy and Billy Bob Thornton?

[Brian Green]

Or Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox?

[Chrissy]

I'm not into that.

[Brian Green]

No, I'm not into that either. I mean, I understand some people are into that, but again, if you're literally. I mean, I know that we share fluids when we're in love with someone. I get that. And the DNA is being swapped, but blood is a different level. When you're mixing your blood together, you're pretty much accepting any kind of nefarious activities they've done in their life. You know, you can. We can say to ourselves, well, I got a 50, 50 shot if I'm sticking my dick in it. But if I am putting blood together, we know it's coming our way. If they've got it a month in. Not unless you've been tested. No, thank you.

[Chrissy]

It would be in a locket.

[Brian Green]

Oh, that's right. I was talking about the blood. I was talking about the blood, not the hair. Oh, well, no. No hair, no blood, no nothing. How's that? Don't give me your DNA. No, I'm too much of a germaphobe. I don't want it. Nothing in the locket. Don't give me a locket. That's weird. What do we. What is it? 1922. Give me one of those digital port. You know, digital frames with nude photos of yourself. I'll take that. A scrapbook made of all your text messages from the relationship. Now it's too soon.

[Chrissy]

Oh, yeah, Stalkery.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, stalkery. Yeah. That's just weird. Why? Why are you doing that?

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. It takes too much time. Anything that takes too much time gets a little weird. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Make it a quick hit. Flowers. In and out. Chocolate from Godiva. In and out. Gift certificate for a massage. In and out. Trust me. Dunkin Donuts. In and out. In and out. Burger, in and out. Star named after. I have done this.

[Chrissy]

I mean, it's sweet.

[Brian Green]

It is very sweet. Astro didn't think it was so sweet. She was like, that's just silly. I bought a star for us. I did. We have A star and the third universe of Orion.

[Chrissy]

Say. How do you know for sure?

[Brian Green]

You don't know for sure. Well, there's an international star registry and you buy it directly from them and they will name a star and they will tell you where it is. It is highly unlikely you'll be able to see it with your naked eyes or any telescope that exists on Earth. But it's there. It's somewhere out there. And hey, listen, I can appreciate. I can appreciate it's not like the most exciting gift in the world, but I thought it was cute. I thought it was cute.

[Chrissy]

It's romantic.

[Brian Green]

A hand knitted piece of clothing. Probably not. But you know me, maybe not going to say it's psycho. I'm going to say it's probably.

[Chrissy]

Don't waste the time if that's your thing.

[Brian Green]

Maybe you're a crocheter if you're crocheting all the time. Yeah, I'm probably not dating a crocheter. I'm just sharing that.

[Chrissy]

You never know.

[Brian Green]

I do know, actually. I do think that one of the girls that I dated was into like crocheting. Yeah.

[Chrissy]

It's a big thing, right?

[Brian Green]

It's coming back. It's very, it's very popular.

[Chrissy]

It was like a nice little beanie. Like a hat.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, a beanie. A penis beanie. Like a little hat you put over your dick. I like that idea.

[Rachel]

A peony.

[Brian Green]

A peony, that's right. How about you crochet yourself a micro bikini and wear it to bed? That is a. That.

[Chrissy]

There you go.

[Brian Green]

It's something. I can get that. That's an idea whose time has come. A dinner date on a gondola. But that gondola is at a local mall. No, no, no.

[Chrissy]

If it's in Italy.

[Brian Green]

Yes, yes.

[Chrissy]

It comes along with a trip to Italy. Yes.

[Brian Green]

But if we're in Vegas, I might even accept a Venetian hotel. Maybe, maybe, maybe. But that is also a mall. So I am saying.

[Chrissy]

Yeah. It's like I'm not accepting it. At the Opry Land. I think they have gondolas up there.

[Brian Green]

They do. We took a ride with the entire family. And let me tell you, taking. Taking a circle in a dirty pond. Not exciting.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

No matter how hard they try. It's the world's biggest hotel or America's biggest hotel under one roof. At Nashville. In Nashville. And they have a huge body of water in the middle of it. Goes through the entire hotel, all four buildings of it. That's just this immense hotel and retail center and all this other water park. All this other shit. And they have these gondolas that ride around and they even do like a little show at night or the. You know, there's pirates and all this other stuff. So we decide, yeah, let's get on the gondola. We pay $1,000 to get on the gondola. And it literally goes in a circle and you're like, no good. Yeah, it's like there's. They're trying to be Disney esque, so they put little characters, but the characters don't move. So, like, look at the bear in the corner. No, not in the. Even my kids weren't excited. They were like, daddy, when do we get off this boat? It smells bad. Well, who's that scary pirate? Okay, one more and then we'll take a break. A customized crossword puzzle, but all of the answers are your inside jokes. I think that's cute. Yeah, I think that's cute.

[Chrissy]

And that's a lot of effort.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that is a for effort. So I will say that that is good. A crossword puzzle. Anything where you take just a little bit of effort and tailor it to the conversations that you're having. A little inside jokes, little cute names that you give each other, whatever. You just don't overdo it.

[Chrissy]

Now. Make it a very short puzzle.

[Brian Green]

Make it a short crossword puzzle. Okay, let's take a break. And then when we get back, I've got plenty more of these. We'll go through psycho or sweet for romantic purposes. We'll be back.

[Rachel]

Rachel here. While Brian takes his old man bladder to the little BO Room. Let's talk turkey. TCB needs your help. If you love the show, do us all a favor and share. Sharing is caring. And we know you care, don't you? Well, don't you? Oh, that was some childhood trauma rearing its ugly head. Do you want to be on the show? Leave us a voicemail at 212-433-3822 and you could be the next TCD disembodied voice. Ooh, what'd you do today? I was at disembodied Voice. You know, that sounds more dangerous than it actually is. Find us on Insta at the commercial break on the [e-mail] and all the episodes on video are available the same [e-mail] thecommercial break. I'm gonna go help Brian get back up the stairs while you listen to the sponsors. And then we'll all meet back here and get back to this episode of the commercial break. I'll take a raise now, bitches. Bye.

[Brian Green]

Okay, Chrissy and I are here reviewing Valentine's Day's presence and whether they are psycho or sweet, we're making a determination now. We're imagining ourselves into a relationship just a month in. So this is not someone you've been with for a long time. And listen, there are degrees of attraction and seriousness and falling in love. Like Astrid and I knew pretty immediately that we were going to be spending the rest of our lives together with 13 to 15 children, no money, and in a stupid, dumb, never ending podcast. We knew that pretty early. And Astrid told me last night, she said, you're lucky I've been with you for so long. You're lucky I've been with you for so long. And I agree, I must agree. Listen, I don't. There's. Nobody has spent this much time with me except for my family. And trust me, by the time I left the house, they were ready for me to go. So I'm just sharing that I think my twin brother is the only person that spent as much time with me as asteroid. And that's because he got a head start, you know, A nine month start. Yeah, in the womb. That's right. The only other person who's been that close. Kevin, stop sticking your dick in my mouth. You have to wonder, don't you? You have to wonder, is there a foot in the eye? Is there a penis in the face? Of course. Yes. Kind of weird. Kind of weird. I'm glad that the universe doesn't allow us to remember that part because it was dramatic. They don't even have. We don't even have any images of us in the belly because back then they didn't do that unless you were like really in trouble. And then they would. Then they would use the. What do you call it? Ultrasound. That's right. Okay, let's get back to it. Psycho or sweet? Yeah, let's play the music. Why not? I do like this music. Okay, some of these get a little silly, so just stick with me here. They're clearly not. There's not anything you would get a pet that they name after something that you both love. Listen, you get me a pet, you are in trouble. After Blue, I want no more pets as gifts.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, that's a tricky.

[Brian Green]

No, you don't get a pet after a month. And Astrid did actually get me a dog after a month. We went to the pound.

[Chrissy]

I know.

[Brian Green]

For my birthday. It wasn't a month. And it was like five months in. And it was sweet. And I did want A dog. But it ultimately became a. Like a big responsibility. Like, she was smart. She knew what she was doing. She wanted to keep me off the streets, out of the bars and away from other women. So she gave me a dog, knowing that I would have to come home every couple of hours to take it out.

[Chrissy]

And smart.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And probably be too lazy to go back out. So she was right. She was right. A toilet seat with your initials engraved on it. No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't even go to the bathroom around someone. So you're like a year in. Yeah, it's just a rule. I told you. There was a lady who I knew, mother of a friend of mine as a child. And I'll never forget this. Dad would have like Playboy and Penthouses laying around the house and they would let us read them. And we were only like 12. Now that I think about it, it was a really creepy situation. I'm glad I got out of there on skates, actually. But this mother would. They'd always be talking about their relationship or sex. They were just very liberal. They were very open about everything. And she told us once while we were having breakfast, the father came down and the mother was like, you know, did you get it out? And he was like, oh, that was a good one. You know, like, in other words, he had had a good shit. And she was like, here's the key to a good relationship. Never poop in front of each other. Ever. And I agree with them.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Even though they were crazy right in.

[Chrissy]

Front of is weird.

[Brian Green]

Please don't poop in front of me now. When you have kids, you know, sometimes you gotta do it. Or if you're sick. Oh, yeah. If you're sick, all bats are off. If you're sick.

[Announcer]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I hate being sick and I hate when other people are sick.

[Chrissy]

I know.

[Brian Green]

A giant puzzle of your first picture together.

[Announcer]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

You know, not the best gift in the world, but okay. I don't wanna have to work to figure out what it is, you know.

[Chrissy]

You can really like puzzles.

[Brian Green]

I'm not a big puzzle fan.

[Chrissy]

I like puzzles.

[Brian Green]

But I. But I do do them with the kids, you know.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And I realized just how bad I am at puzzle making when there's like a ten piece puzzle the size of our entire living room floor and I can't get it right. And I'm scratching my head and my son is doing it quickly and I'm like, oh, that's where that goes. A candle filled with your pheromones. Again, like the perfume, like, not A.

[Chrissy]

Month in, I think this was a thing a while back. I remember reading about, like, candles with pheromones. Pheromone perfume and stuff to do with pheromones.

[Brian Green]

Okay. All right.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like candles, though.

[Brian Green]

I do like candles. I do like candles. Even though apparently they're killing. I like killings.

[Chrissy]

Killing us.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Something about, like, the essential oils and the candles with the oil in them, this smelly oil. Some guy, some scientist on Instagram was like, these are the worst things you can. A scientist on Instagram. And that's where I get all my information. Well, listen, all the other scientists who were actually supposed to tell us what's going on have now been fired from their jobs. So I got to get all my information from Robert Kennedy, F. Junior, Whatever his name is. A matching set of pajamas? Yeah.

[Chrissy]

For you and the person, 30 days.

[Brian Green]

Is way too soon. Yeah, I agree. I mean, it's not the creepiest thing ever, but, like, under what circumstances are we going to wear a matching set of pajamas? Unless, like, Christmas time. Wait for Christmas. Yeah, yeah, wait for Christmas. I agree with you on that. A framed picture of your celebrity crush. I like that. I like that. It lets me know that you don't take this thing too. You're now taking yourselves too seriously and that you can appreciate that Dua Lipa is a beautiful woman. Yeah, I appreciate that. I like that. I'm going to get asked her to Joe Jonas shirtless picture for Valentine's Day. That's what I'm going to do. You think it's a little creepy? You don't like it?

[Chrissy]

I don't think it's creepy. I just wouldn't care for it.

[Brian Green]

But I would. But that's just me. All right. Private chef for the night. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good idea. This is 100% legit. A private chef for the night is thoughtful. Yeah. It lets the other one know you care about them. It allows the two of you to have a really nice dinner in a setting where you're not huddled up with 7,000 other people paying $999 per plate. And you don't even get to choose what you're eating. Valentine's Day is the single worst day of the year, besides Easter, to go out to eat. Mother's Day, Easter, Valentine's Day. If you take somebody out to eat on those days, you're telling them you really don't give a shit about them because it's going to be fucking miserable. That's all I gotta say. Having worked in the Industry for a very long time. A custom bobblehead of both of you. That's cute.

[Chrissy]

I think it's kind of funny.

[Brian Green]

That's cute. I like that. Yes. A full PowerPoint presentation pointing out why the two of you were made for each other. No, that's straight up conspiracy level weird. Yeah, I don't trust you. If you do that, you've spent way too much time a month in thinking about why we're good for each other.

[Chrissy]

It's Valentine's Day and you want me to watch a presentation.

[Brian Green]

Well, listen, if you're giving me a lap dance at the same time, maybe, maybe a romantic scavenger hunt.

[Chrissy]

Oh, that's good.

[Brian Green]

I like that. Don't make it too creepy. You know, keep it on the lighter side of things.

[Chrissy]

Of course.

[Brian Green]

But I do like that where it ends with like, you know, I don't know, a ticket to your favorite band.

[Chrissy]

A heart shape Jacuzzi.

[Brian Green]

That's right. Or a couple's therapy session the whole month. It is what it is. A coupon book for romantic or sexual favors.

[Chrissy]

I've heard of this.

[Brian Green]

I like that.

[Announcer]

I like that.

[Brian Green]

I've done this. Actually, I've done this one. Yeah, they haven't been cashed in yet, but they're past their expiration date, so don't even think about it as a heart shaped pinata full of your favorite candies. Ah, yeah. I don't want to work that hard for the candy. Just give me the candy. Yeah, yeah. And where are we gonna put a pinata? And now I gotta hang it up and clean it up. No thanks. I mean, I, I, it's not the worst thing in the world. Are you testing my swing?

[Chrissy]

Like, why?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I know. You know, in, in Venezuela, if there's.

[Chrissy]

Little mini bottles of booze shoes in.

[Brian Green]

It, we've done this.

[Chrissy]

Actually, I've had that before.

[Brian Green]

If in Venezuela, every birthday party comes with a pinata, it doesn't matter if you're 5 or 50.

[Chrissy]

Astron is fantastic. Making them like by hand. That's what I was thinking of. I was thinking of an Astrid pinata.

[Brian Green]

Okay. An Astrid pinata. Yes. Because she makes them. Lilo and Stitch. Mickey Mouse. I know, it's crazy.

[Chrissy]

I'm always confused. Completely bored.

[Brian Green]

Me too. And kids love them. And she's done them for me for my birthday. Full of, you know, adult things and, you know, I don't need to get into all the details, but a month in and if you're buying it from a store, skip it. I'm not interested in it, a tattoo of your anniversary date or your name. Never, Never, never, never. I'm 99,000% sure I am never willingly going to date another woman or have another wife. And I still wouldn't get Astrid tattooed on my body because it's a dumb idea. Never get anything relationship related tattooed on your body.

[Chrissy]

I mean, I guess if it's a date, it was saying the date, right?

[Brian Green]

They were saying anniversary date or your name.

[Chrissy]

I mean, that could maybe.

[Brian Green]

I think you're tempting fate.

[Chrissy]

A month and for sure, no.

[Brian Green]

Hell no. But like 10 years in. Okay, I can understand that. Maybe now you feel committed. I'm starting to feel committed to Astrid after 10 years in.

[Rachel]

Good.

[Brian Green]

A pet goldfish. No on the pets. Just no on the pets. The goldfish is going to die in 10 days. Yeah. And then I got to flush it down the toilet and I'm going to be sad.

[Chrissy]

And it's money for the other person to buy the food and get this stuff and the aquarium and a bouquet of roses.

[Brian Green]

Very simple and straightforward. We can all agree. I think this is one that. Yeah, sure. It's almost obligatory. You got to get flowers on Valentine's Day. And I know not everybody likes flowers and some people are allergic. You know, there's lots of different reasons why you wouldn't get flowers, but I think flowers are just a standard gift. It's something you. You should do.

[Chrissy]

Jeff gave me a beautiful orchid our first Valentine's Day.

[Brian Green]

Oh, he did? That's a very sweet gift, Jeff. Can you buy one for Astrid? Love, Brian. On the note. Thanks. I appreciate it, Joe. A custom printed shower curtain with a full size U on it. No, no, no, no.

[Chrissy]

That's weird.

[Brian Green]

First of all, shower curtains are gross. Get rid of the shower curtains or change them out once a month because shower curtains are breeding grounds for all. Kind of like. I don't. Syphilis type B. I'm not sure. I don't know. But I've had some shower curtains in my life where I've been so poor in my life that. That I like. I. It was really between heat and a new shower curtain. And I went with the shower curtain because I was so skeeved out by what was growing on the bottom of it. Those shower curtains, they always get gross. A jar of pickles with a love note inside. I don't even know why we would do this, but okay. Not the worst gift in the world.

[Chrissy]

Well, I've seen that done before.

[Brian Green]

Oh, you have?

[Chrissy]

From someone that I knew. And the person that was giving was. Was Very into pickles. Loved pickles. Okay, sweet thing.

[Brian Green]

Sure. If you like a gift basket. Yeah, if you got me, like a gift basket of hot sauces, because, you know I like hot sauces. I could appreciate that. Let's see here. No, not that. I'm not going to say that because that's kind of gross. A valentine. A personalized ASMR recording. I like this. I think this is kind of fun. It's creepy, but it's funny.

[Chrissy]

If it was proposed as a joke.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. If it was like you making sexual noises and really whispered tones, then I could see why that would be funny. Cute and maybe arousing at times. For sure. Let's see. A simple love letter expressing your love.

[Chrissy]

Of course.

[Brian Green]

Of course. That's welcome. Anytime. Anytime. I mean, not a weekend, but a month in, then you're getting into love lit. I used to send Astrid lengthy texts about the stars and the moon and all this other stuff.

[Chrissy]

The star that you bought her.

[Brian Green]

Yes, that's right. A subscription to a dating app, just in case. That's pretty funny, actually. Yeah.

[Chrissy]

That's a no.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's a no. But I like it. A framed. Well, we already talked about this. A chocolate bar that has your very first text message exchange engraved in it. I think that's cute.

[Chrissy]

Huh?

[Brian Green]

I'll accept it. I'll accept it. I won't. I won't call this a total red flag. I'll say it's like a mini red flag, but I think it's cute.

[Chrissy]

Your first text message. Not just like a, you know, I.

[Rachel]

Love you or hi.

[Chrissy]

Hi.

[Brian Green]

What's up? Yeah, yeah.

[Chrissy]

Now you up Would be funny.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Can I hit that?

[Chrissy]

That's right.

[Brian Green]

Can you clap them cheeks? Clap them cheeks. A heart shaped balloon. Yeah. Okay, but I don't. You don't need to get it, but all right. A love poem written entirely in emojis. No. Yeah, I mean, whatever. Okay, cool. But don't bother. Like, I don't need to see emojis.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

You know what I'm saying?

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Okay. And finally, a romantic dinner for two, but at a food truck stand. No, there's no such thing as a romantic dinner for two at a food truck stand. Unless you guys are just really into food trucks.

[Chrissy]

I was gonna say unless. I mean, there's some good food trucks out there.

[Brian Green]

That's true. And there used to be a food truck park here. Now it's a big apartment complex. Because, of course, it was always going to be. Right. It was always going to be. But just waiting for the Right guy to pay enough money to go. But there was a food truck and they did do something on Valentine's Day where they only let in a certain amount of people. They had candles on the tables. They were, you know, you get a free glass of wine or whatever. If you're into that kind of thing. If you're young and that's cool and, you know, it's a hip place to go, then I can totally, totally, totally understand. But listen, there's some good examples in here and there's some bad examples in here. Let me share with you a few things, a few opinions of mine. Number one, you do not break up with anybody on Valentine's Day because it's unlikely you'll be able to actually follow through on it if you have any kind of heart. Number two, make sure the photographs you're taking for your loved one are taken by you and you alone, because that's an important thing. And. And certainly don't show someone else's hand in the photograph. That was the dumbest thing. That was the dumbest thing. And absolutely no thank you on the singing quartet showing up to giving you a card unless it's naked. Dua lipa. That is it for sure. All right. There you go. There you go. Happy Valentine's Day to all the lovers and otherwise. And if you're alone today on Valentine's Day, don't worry about it. If you're choosing that, you're choosing yourself. Happy Valentine's Day to you. Yeah. Love yourself. That's all you got to do. I've spent many more Valentine's Day alone than I have with somebody. And so it's not all bad.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

No, it's not. Think about it this way. You don't have to go spend a month, bunch of money on a meal you're probably not going to enjoy. You don't have to buy anybody anything for anybody except for yourself. Yeah.

[Chrissy]

Buy yourself a little gift, little treat.

[Brian Green]

Yes. And there are always, like, movie marathons on some cable channel that have nothing to do with rom coms or romance. You can find it. Get into yourself. Yourself. That's what I'm trying to say, Self. Love yourself. Clap your own cheeks. Okay? Clap your cheeks. 21 EPS. Whatever you need to do. Remember to get those 21 EPMs in, kids. That's really important. Check your tits. Check your balls. Jizz a lot. Investigate your own body. Make sure it feels good and it feels right. Find your G spot. That's what I'm trying to say on this Valentine's Day. Find your G spot. Then it doesn't matter what somebody gets you. You'll always be able to get yourself off. Okay. A romantic. Words of romantic wisdom from one whacker offer to another wacker offer. Right, Chrissy?

[Chrissy]

That's right.

[Brian Green]

I'm glad you agree with me. She always agrees with me. That's what she does. Except for Starling. Okay. I don't like Starling. All right? But then I saw a video. I like to watch those people sailing across the ocean.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And you know, by themselves or with their family or whatever. And guess what, Starlink.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And then I thought, okay, Starlink.

[Chrissy]

But serious, I agree with you on the. On the monitoring of how many of those are out there.

[Brian Green]

We need to be careful because that's the only thing we got left is that sky. And it's already junked up. And now we got 50,000 other pieces of junk flying up there with no idea when they're coming down or how we're gonna get around them or anything. I can't even believe we can send a spaceship up anymore, but shuttle whatever we're doing now these days, because it's all junk.

[Chrissy]

I know. It's like us polluting the ocean years ago and now we're cleaning it up.

[Brian Green]

You get it?

[Rachel]

All right.

[Brian Green]

Ari Shafir's episode was great on tour and his brand new special, America's Sweetheart, at the commercial break on Instagram. YouTube.com thecommercial break and 212-4333, TCB. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas? Or leave a message to be on the next episode of tcb. All right, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now.

[Chrissy]

I think so.

[Brian Green]

But I do love you this Valentine's Day.

[Chrissy]

Happy Valentine.

[Brian Green]

Best to you. Best to you and best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say goodbye. Sav. I have it.