Habeas Pump'em!

Summary

The Commercial Break — “Habeas Pump’em!”

Original Air Date: April 29, 2025
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley
Guest: Sean Morris (listener call-in)

Episode Overview

This episode dives into all things papal: the recent death of the Pope, the mysterious Vatican conclave process, the history (and baggage) of the Catholic Church, and musings on religion, tradition, and modernity—TCB style. Later, the show features listener Sean Morris, a South Georgia “nuisance trapper,” who shares wild stories of animal control in the swamps, complete with possums and alligators. As always, Bryan and Krissy blend irreverent comedy, awkward sincerity, and pop culture reflection in their uniquely unfiltered way.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Satirical “Local News” Report on Exorcist Pastor

• [00:03] Episode opens with a parody segment featuring Deborah Flitzflats reporting on Pastor Rockwell Pattycake, an “Instagram exorcist” performing “miracles” and hawking his own meme coin (Bitcake) in Crabapple.
• Lampoons flashy modern evangelism, spiritual grifting, and religious “miracle” exploits online.
• Quote:

  “Pastor Pattycake ... splashed his holy waters into my barren shores.” – Deborah Flitzflats, quoting a parishioner, [00:52]

• Satirizes the commercialization of religion (holy meme coins, personal jets) and online persona of clout-chasing religious leaders.

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2. The Death of the Pope & Legacy of Recent Popes

• [03:35] Real TCB show begins. Bryan and Krissy discuss the recent (fictional) death of the Pope.
• Bryan reflects on the shifting role of the papacy and organized religion:

  “The new version of Jesus that some people are subscribing to, especially some of these, like evangelicals ... It’s insane.” – Bryan, [04:35]

• Discussion of how recent popes, especially Pope John Paul II, were seen as “peacemakers” and “everyman” figures.
• Bryan remembers how past popes were revered, even by non-devout or semi-practicing Catholics.

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3. Catholic Church: Scandals & Evolving Stance

• [07:10] Candid conversation about pervasive sexual abuse scandals in the Catholic Church, with Bryan revealing it affected members of his own family:

  “I know this story very well. I’m affected by it. Not me personally ... but it was terrible, and it was pervasive.” – Bryan, [08:07]

• Discussion of how the latest popes differed:
  • Pope Benedict: “dogmatic” and more involved in cover-ups.
  • The most recent pope: pushed for change, apologies, and reporting abuse to law enforcement.

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4. The Vatican’s Wealth, Secrecy & Conclave Traditions

• [12:29] Krissy and Bryan reminisce about experiencing the Vatican’s immense riches:

  “It’s dripping in gold ... Elon Musk is like pauper compared to the wealth that the Catholic Church has.” – Bryan, [12:38]

• [13:45] Discussion of the papal conclave:
  • The locked-room, black/white smoke ritual to announce a new pope.
  • Satirical riffing on the secrecy:

    “That conclave, way more than Augusta National, is probably the most mysterious club event in the world.” – Bryan, [14:03]

• [15:17] Calls for a modern, transparent conclave—“stream it on Twitch.”

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5. Church, Dogma & Modern Values

• Extended debate on whether Catholicism is moving toward progressive values.

  • Pope’s tepid approval of blessing gay couples “under certain circumstances” ([17:26]).

• Bryan’s perspective on Christianity simplified:

  “If you just take it at face value, take what Jesus said at face value: Do unto others. That’s it. The first and last rule. ... If you follow that, you’re good.” – Bryan, [18:14]

• Critique of religious dogma and the selective application of ancient biblical rules to “modern times.”

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6. TV & Pop Culture: The Pope on Screen

• [19:39] Brief digression into TV and movies about popes:
  • The Young Pope: “What a great, fucking fantastic show ... Certainly don’t watch it if you’re really into the dogma ... But what a fantastic show, played to the tee.” – Bryan, [19:47]
  • Discussion about celibacy in the clergy, calling for less restrictive (and less problematic) practices.

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7. Vatican Museums, Art & Historical Riches

• [24:25] Krissy and Bryan share stories about visiting the Vatican, St. Peter’s Basilica, papal tombs, the “map hallway,” and the underground library:

  “The Vatican library ... it’s like 200 feet underground, it’s nuclear proof.” – Bryan, [25:57]

• Riff on the magnitude of historical artifacts controlled by the church:

  “It would be immensely sad if anything ever happened to that treasure trove of history. But then again, it’s like ... an embarrassment of riches.” – Bryan, [32:14]

• Wondering about secrets in the Vatican Library:

  “Some people spend entire lives looking through that library just to do research on one particular subject.” – Bryan, [26:29]

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8. The Mechanics of Papal Conclave (with Satire)

• [27:18] Bryan gives a run-down of how the conclave works, with color commentary:

  “After each round of voting, the ballots are burned. If no pope is elected, chemicals are added to make it black. If a pope is elected, chemicals are added to make it white. Habeas pompem! We have a pope. Habeas pompem!” – Bryan, [27:51] “We’re pomping them in the cumclave. That’s what we’re doing.” – Bryan, [28:06]

• Discussion of how long conclaves can take, the crowds, and the spectacle of it all.

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9. Listener Call Segment: Swamp Stories with Sean Morris

• [39:31-55:59]
• Bryan and Krissy field a call from Sean Morris, a loyal listener and professional nuisance trapper from South Georgia.
• Sean shares wild tales of beaver, alligator, and snake capturing in the lowlands:

  “Beavers are cute and they’re very smart ... But there’s certain circumstances where you have to remove a certain colony ... because they’re just wreaking havoc.” – Sean, [43:02] “Alligators in the wild are pretty much basically scared of humans. The dangerous alligators are the ones that are fed from docks in subdivisions.” – Sean, [48:55]

• Describes trapping amidst water moccasins, alligator nests, crawling under houses, and a terrifying face-off with a possum:

  “I got to the corner and face to face with a possum ... a possum with his mouth open in my face ... That is a nightmare to me.” – Bryan, [54:11–54:22]

• Friendly banter about the relative dangers of various animals and the ethics of animal removal.
• Sean promises more stories for future episodes, and both hosts express their appreciation for his support and storytelling.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Do unto others. That’s it. The first and last rule.” – Bryan [18:14]
• “Let a priest shake it out every once in a while ... For health reasons, if for nothing else.” – Bryan [21:14]
• “I guarantee we wouldn’t have so many shenanigans going on if women were in charge.” – Bryan [22:58]
• “That conclave ... is probably the most mysterious club event in the world ... 2025: It’s time we stream this on Twitch.” – Bryan [14:03]
• “Beavers are cute and very smart ... but there’s certain circumstances where you have to remove a colony.” – Sean [43:02]
• “I got to the corner and face to face with a possum ... That is a nightmare to me.” – Bryan [54:11–54:22]
• “If you do unto others as you would do to yourself ... you’re good, right?” – Krissy [18:19]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:03 — Satirical community news: Exorcist influencer pastor in Crabapple
• 03:35 — Hosts reflect on the Pope’s death; evolving role of papacy
• 07:10–10:03 — Detailed, personal reflection on church scandals and reforms
• 12:29–14:09 — Vatican wealth and secretive traditions
• 15:17–16:54 — Calls for live-streamed conclave; traditions discussed
• 17:09 — The Pope on gay couples
• 19:39 — TV: The Young Pope, celibacy debates
• 24:25–33:56 — Vatican/Sistine Chapel stories; museum/riches
• 27:18–28:29 — Conclave rituals, “Habeas pompem,” and TCB’s brand of satire
• 39:31–55:59 — Listener call: Sean Morris, Southern animal-trapping stories
• 54:11–54:22 — Possum nightmare story
• 57:04–57:08 — Hosts joke about Sean as a potential new co-host
• 58:31 — Episode wrap-up and promo tease for upcoming mega-episode marathon

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Tone & Style

• Fast-paced, riff-heavy, and deliberately irreverent.
• Personal anecdotes and opinions mix with satire and pop culture tangents.
• Willingly self-deprecating (“the show is just FINE”), and inclusive of audience banter.
• Unfiltered but with a surprisingly sincere thread about justice, trauma, and progress.

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Summary

A classic, sprawling episode of The Commercial Break: starting with church satire, morphing into a surprisingly earnest (but deeply funny) conversation about popes, Catholic tradition, and the weight of church history. The hosts balance skepticism with a bit of reverence for the human dimensions of faith—and always swing back to a joke before getting too heavy. The cameo from listener Sean Morris turns the show into a surreal Southern travelogue of wildlife hazards and chatty possums, underlining TCB’s talent for turning anything weird (or sacred) into community comedy.

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For those who haven’t listened:
Expect edgily comedic but surprisingly meaningful banter about the papacy, the hypocrisies and hopes around change in organized religion, candid takes on historical trauma, and a gloriously tangential second act driven by one listener’s dangerous, hilarious swamp stories. No church attendance required—unless you count the “First Church of the Black Smoke” in the conclave.

Transcript

[Deborah Flitzflats]

And welcome back to WSHIT's focus on community. I'm Deborah Flitzflats. I'll be taking you around town to show you what's going down. Excitement grows this week in Crabapple as pastor and certified Instagram exorcist Rockwell Pattycake visits the township. He's here to perform miracles on the locals, exorcise demons and grow his flock and following on TikTok and YouTube. While Pastor Pattycake does not have a home church of his own, he can be found on all his social handles atticake pattycakebakersmith. One local woman who had been suffering from the demon itch has been reportedly cured after Pastor Pattycake, quote, splashed his holy waters into my barren shores. End quote. Pastor Pattycake then went on to perform a miracle exorcism while visiting the local evangelical church located right here on Southwest Pebbles Avenue. The living Word of faith and Baptismal charisma, Fellowship of the New Holy Life, assembly of God, Deeper Bible and liturgy, Church of Luke. I had not opportunity to witness some of the services. Here's what one of those exorcisms sounded like from inside the church.

[Brian Green]

A demon came with his penis and put it in my mouth. And. And then he tried. He came again and he slept with me last week. And I, I told the pastor that I need deliverance again. And since then my private part has been itching, even itching. Yes, look at them. Look, look. Oral sex. Oral sex. Demo. You see? Oral sex. Look, oral sex. Look, look, look, look. You, you, oral sex. You, oral sex. Let that sperm of that man out. Out, out. You demo.

[Deborah Flitzflats]

Pastor Pattycake then went on to sign copies of his new book for a small donation fee and gave worshipers an exclusive opportunity to buy his new holy meme coin Bitcake. Pastor Pattycake explained that all those who walk with the Lord can get a little closer to God by buying and holding Bitcake for as long as possible. When asked how one might get closer to the Lord by buying bitc on to explain that this allows him to fly on his own personal jet, putting him closer to the heavens where he can more clearly talk to God. He explained that the restrooms on public flights are an unholy mess and that the food served is often not worthy of a man of God. I'm not sure how all those who attend church will take that explanation, but it made perfect sense to this reporter. We'll have lots more community news when we return from this commercial break.

[Brian Green]

On this episode of the commercial break, if no pope is elected, chemicals are added to make it Black. If a pope is elected, chemicals are added to make it white. Habeas pompom. We have a pope. Habeas pompum. Pompum pompum. The outcome in the cumclave. We're pumping them in the conclave. That's what we're doing. That's my.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Our children, my.

[Brian Green]

I know. We're three. Bump them in the conclave. Drop the papers. Drop the pum pum. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co host of this show, Chrissy Joy Holding. Best to you, Chris.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Best to you, Brian.

[Brian Green]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. You know, we haven't talked a lot about since it happened. It's the death of the Pope.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

That's right.

[Brian Green]

Which happened, you know, probably a week ago as we're talking about it now, as you're listening to it now.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Yeah, I thought he was on the upswing because, you know, he was sick, he was in the hospital, he got out.

[Brian Green]

He was on the upswing because he decided to meet with J.D.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Vance.

[Brian Green]

I mean, of all the people. But listen, the Pope is, that's what the Pope's job, the Pope's job is to take all comers as a reformed Irish Catholic.

[Sean Morris]

Right.

[Brian Green]

And if you listen to this show, then you know that, you know, the organized religion is not my favorite thing in the world because I, I just think it's gone off the rails a little bit. Not all religions, not all churches, not all things. I'm not putting everybody, not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, but, you know, in general, the new version of Jesus that a lot of Christians subscribe to.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

AI Jesus.

[Brian Green]

AI Jesus.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

How's that going, by the way?

[Brian Green]

It's going great. I've got a private jet. I'm AI Jesus. I've got an AI jet and I shit on migrants. And I love rich people. AI Jesus. Do you think Jesus would have been poor if he could have been? No. The new version of Jesus that people, that some people are subscribing to, especially some of these, like evangelicals, and it's just Pentecostal. It's insane. It's insane. It's insane that, you know, anyway, I don't want to get into it. I don't want to make it.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

We could go on and on.

[Brian Green]

We could go on. And I do go on and on. If you listen to the beginning of the show, there's enough satire in those bits for a whole episode. But the Pope has, traditionally, at least since Pope John Paul, I think, has tried to play the role of peacemaker and world delegate, ambassador to the world, so to speak. The Catholic Church certainly has a trail of bloody tears behind it. But there are. But some popes, I think, have done some good. Pope John Paul II was the pope when I was a kid, and he was revered. I mean, I remember that I'm not.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Catholic and didn't grow up Catholic or knowing even a lot about the Catholic religion, but I do remember him. Yeah, he was around for a long time.

[Brian Green]

Long time. I think. I think for like 40 years or something. I don't know for. I don't know for sure. But I do remember that, like, in my grandma's house, there was a picture of the Pope. And my family was not particularly religious, went to church. Yeah. But it wasn't like we were sitting and we had the priests. My grandma would have the priests over for dinner all the time, and they smoked cigarettes and got drunk. I mean, that's just what priests in Chicago did back then, Irish Catholic priests. But there was a picture of the pope on the wall, of Pope John Paul on the wall, and that's how revered he was. He was seen as a real peacemaker, a real gentle giant. So to spe, you know, this pope was known as an everyman pope. He was kind of. He did not live in the papal palace. He lived in an apartment still in the Vatican. I mean, it wasn't like the guy was, you know, slumming it, but he was living in a very small apartment outside of the papal palace. He felt like that kept him more connected and grounded to the people that he was serving. He was known as. As a person who changed dogma. Almost all the cardinals who are in place now were handpicked by that, by that last pope. But the pope had just passed away, and he was seen as a real change from Pope Benedict, who was kind of more of a dogmatic man, and he was more the pomp and circumstance kind of guy, toed the line. And Pope Benedict was one of the few that retired before his death. Yeah, that was like a weird thing, right, that he would actually decide to go. Scandal, happen a lot of scandal. Well, I mean, say the word Catholic Church. And there's one thing that comes to everybody in the United States mind, especially in America, probably in England, maybe in Ireland. The thing that comes to mind is the crazy and incredible vast amounts of sexual abuse that went on in the church, including to members of My family. So I know this story very well. I'm affected by it. Not me personally, not what. It didn't happen to me, to be clear. But it was. It was terrible, and it was pervasive. And it went on for a very long time. So this Pope pushed back against that. He made kind of an apology. Ish about all of it. He took no shit. He didn't want to hear about it. It needed to be changed. They weren't now gonna take priests who were accused of terrible sexual abuses and scoot them from one parish to the next parish.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

That's what was happening right there, was moving them around.

[Brian Green]

That's what they did.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

You know, my father and I, we got into the movie Conclave.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Oh, yeah. So you saw it?

[Brian Green]

I did not see it, but my father and I. I think I mentioned this. We got into a disagreement about the movie Conclave because he said that Conclave, the movie. He kind of gave away the ending, which sucked. But he. We were talking about Conclave, the Academy Awards. And he said that he felt that the leftist media was pushing this, like, homosexual agenda through the movie Conclave, basically, and that he didn't believe that, blah, blah, that the ending was unrealistic. And what. And I said, dad, you didn't. You don't think that the Catholic Church and the Pope would like, you know, cover up some homosexual tendencies amongst priests or cardinals? And then my dad said something that kind of like. I don't know, it almost negated his argument, so to speak, when he said, for years and years and years, the Catholic Church was a place where homosexuals went to hide. That's what you did when. Because the Church did not condone. Still does not condone homosexuality in any way, shape or form. And people who had homosexual tendencies went to church. They became priests. That's what they did. Because they wanted to atone for their sins and push them down the Catholic Churches. There's a lot of guilt in being a Catholic. It's just the way that. It's the way the Catholic Church stays in power. My opinion. That's how it goes. Right. If you are born with sin and you're always sinning and you're a sinner and you have to repent in front of these other, you know, people who have a direct connection to God or whatever, they have the power to wipe it all. I don't know. It's all about hokey pokey bullshit, if you ask me. And so, yes, I think that was true. Is that the Catholic Church and especially priests who probably had knew that they were homosexuals, decided to go into priesthood because they felt like that would be their service to the Lord for the sin that they were, the sins that they were carrying. But like any sexual predilection, you. If it's, if it's just burning inside of you and there's no outlet. I'm not giving excuse here, but holy shit, you know, secrets have to be kept. Things get done in silence and in the dark. And then people become targets and victims and people become victims and don't say anything because God will smite you. And all this other that went on. God, it's crazy. Yeah, I know it's like it. And I'm glad that I was never affected by any of that, quite frankly, because I was an altar boy. The altar boys were the first targets because they were the closest to the priests and spent time with the priests alone and defrocking and fracking and holy shit, you know, deboning. I don't even know what the fuck went on. Deboning. And, and it, and it was bad and it was pervasive and it went on in almost like every single archdiocese in the United States of America. The Catholic Church has spent billions and billions of dollars trying to cover it up. Then billions of billions of dol. Paying people back, you know, paying people restitution. And it just keeps coming, scandal after scandal, you know, people still suing the Catholic Church to this day. This Pope said no more. We're not hiding this anymore. If they do it, you go to the law enforcement. That's what you do. Let them handle it. It's for them to deal with. And you know, it's another little washing of the hands there. But at least it was a step in the right direction where Pope Benedict I think just kind of kept the, the COVID up going, right? There were noted sexual abusers who just kept scooting from one place to the other until they were retired to the priestly home in the sky or some. Some fucking villa in Italy or some shit like that. I mean, the Catholic Church has vast amounts of wealth. Vast amounts of wealth. The wealthiest country in the world is. It's not the United States of America. It's the fucking Vatican. That's what it is. They own more real estate than any other entity in the world. Big real estate dollars, right? And all the. I went to the Vatican faster than I did.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

I've been twice. Yeah, it's amazing.

[Brian Green]

It's dripping in gold.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Well, yeah, the art, all of the arts and all of the. Yeah, it's crazy.

[Brian Green]

One crazy square foot on One wall of St. Peter's Basilica is worth more than any of us will make combined. Elon Musk is like palbre compared to the wealth that the Catholic Church has just at the Vatican. That's it. It's amazing. It's immense. But millions and millions and millions of people across the world look to the Pope for their.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Yes, he just delivered the Easter.

[Brian Green]

He was there. He said happy Easter, but he did not give the eulogy. The eulogy. Sorry about that. Little slip in the tongue, Rya. He said, happy Easter, but the last words, apparently, were to his personal medical assistant when he said, thank you for taking me on a ride around the square. They put him in the Popemobile. He wanted to go on a ride around the square and talk to the. See the people, because he was a man of the people. So this guy, you know, really kind of a man of the people, and you can see why people are sad that he's gone. And now the great debate starts. The conclusion.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Yes, it does.

[Brian Green]

Which. We went through the last one. I went through the. We saw the one for Pope Benedict. We went through the last one that I think took some time. Actually. I think it took a couple weeks or something like that. And the puff of smoke and the. I don't know if they ring their balls or their bells or whatever. I don't know what goes on.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Well, everybody gets shut in, and then they don't do the smoke until a new Pope has been decided. You've really got to watch comic books.

[Brian Green]

Isn't it like white smoke until it's. And then black smoke indicates that it's a pope, or is it black smoke and then white smoke indicates.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Green]

Black smoke and then white smoke indicates that it. That they've decided on a new Pope. I think that's like, they take a different color smoke, they take a vote. And if the. If they haven't decided, if there isn't a majority, then they puff a black smoke. And then if they did, then it's a puff of white smoke or something along those lines. That conclave, way more than Augusta national, is probably the most mysterious club event in the world. And Augusta national is pretty fucking secretive. Like, I'm talking about the place where they hold the Masters. But this is like thousands of years of tradition and weirdness and strangeness and odd things happening in the closed doors where no one's allowed unless you're a cardinal. And I. What I wouldn't give to just like, I think 20, 25. It's time we stream this on Twitch. Do you know what I'm saying? I really do. Let's see what goes on. Let's see how they talk about. Let's see all the little intricacies of all of this. You know, thousands of years of tradition and dogma and whatever the hell goes on back there.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Watch the movie.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I do want to watch a.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

True representation of what happens now. Yeah. The end is different. I don't know. You'll. I'm very interested to see what you think. I don't think there's any kind of homosexual thing being pushed at all.

[Brian Green]

This is my dad being my dad. This is my dad watching too much of something. You know, I don't know.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

There's a twist in the end for sure, but.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, he says that twist is, like, whatever. You know, it's. My dad's a good guy. He's just like, sometimes.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Oh, I know. It happens to the best.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. We're all getting old, you know, the elderly.

[Deborah Flitzflats]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

You know, I saw Patton Oswald say something very interesting. Patton Oswald said, I don't harp on cancel culture. He's. And I don't jump in on it. And I'll tell you why is because all of us, if we live long enough, will eventually say something that'll come back and bite us in the ass for cancel culture. And it. And it's true. Right? You grow up and the things are a certain way, and then they change, but you don't change as quick as it might change, or you don't change at all. And then all of a sudden, you're the bad guy. I just. That's just the way it was back then. It's like when. When we were talking to Meredith from the office.

[Sean Morris]

Right.

[Brian Green]

And we were sharing that. You know, teasing is something that we all grew up doing and getting. We all teased each other. That's how it worked. And if you lived with more than one sibling, then you knew that teasing was just a way of communication. But now it's like, you know, you're arrested for teasing. It's like. It's a little bit. It's a little bit on the strange side. Yeah. But this conclave will be interesting. And how the church chooses to move and what direction they choose to move.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Is always more towards the progressive side. Again, because speaking of, like, homosexual talk with the church, I think didn't this. The current Pope that just. He's came out and said it was okay. Gay marriage was okay?

[Brian Green]

He didn't say that. He said that under certain circumstances, And I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound like harsh at you, but.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

No, you're the expert.

[Brian Green]

Well, I don't know if I'm an expert, but I do. I did. I do keep like, a little, you know, I hear something about the Pope and because of my upbringing, it, like, perked my ears up a little bit.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

He was more sympathetic.

[Brian Green]

He was more sympathetic. And what he said was, in certain circumstances, gay couples can be blessed in the Catholic Church in certain circumstances. What those circumstances were, I don't.

[Sean Morris]

Are.

[Brian Green]

I don't know. And I don't know why it has to be circumstances. Maybe they both have to be Catholic or practicing Catholic or whatever. There's a lot of rules around getting married and getting divorced and all that other. It's. Quite frankly, it's a little ridiculous. It's a little ridiculous because if you take the teachings of Jesus on its face value.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Let's not go with, you know, if you touch the penis of a goat, then you have to chop your arm off and all this other crazy Bible dogma that a lot of people get into. If you just take it at face value, take what Jesus said at face value. Do unto others.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

That's the.

[Brian Green]

That's it.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

First rule that.

[Brian Green]

The first and last rule.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

If you follow that, you're good.

[Rachel]

Good.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

You're good, right?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. If you do unto others as you would do to yourself, as you would wish other people would do to you. That's it. And you treat other people like that in any circumst. Yeah, any person.

[Sean Morris]

Right.

[Brian Green]

Colorblind, cash, blind, whatever, Murderers, rapers, robbists, lepers and all, like, take all comers. That's it. Treat them the way you want to be treated and lest ye be judged. That's it. That's it. It's really pretty easy. It's very hard to do in real life, but it's pretty easy. So if you take all the other dogma out of it, what a blessing to have that teaching as a human being. What a blessing to have that guidance as a human being. But if you take all of the dogma and you start really reading the Bible and taking it as if it's a fucking menu at Cheesecake Factory and you're supposed to follow every rule and word and menu item is supposed to be on the plate, then you're a nut. Nick, I don't know what else to say. It's 2,000 years ago that some of these things were written. It doesn't. It's not applicable. It's not applicable. To what's happening in 2025. Nor should it be. It's just the way that it is. Humanity has changed. We all grew up.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

And now I'm thinking about that show, the Pope. Sorry, I drifted off.

[Brian Green]

The new Pope.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

The one that was Young Pope. The Young Pope.

[Brian Green]

The Young Pope.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

I want to see that now. Were you the one that was telling.

[Brian Green]

Me it was so good? The Young Pope.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

What a great fucking fantastic show.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Is it multiple seasons or was it four seasons?

[Brian Green]

I think.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Okay, I'm going to.

[Brian Green]

I think it's three or four seasons. I watched it during the pandemic, right when we were starting this show. I was getting into the new pope and it was ending its run, but I had started from the beginning. What a fucking fantastic, stylized. Certainly don't watch it if you, like, are really into the dogma of the pope and cath and catechism. You're not going to be a big new the Young Pope fan. But what a fantastic show, played to the tee and really shows you what would happen if there was a young Pope. A young Pope, but a young pope who is also in now times. Or was it in now times?

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

But who is also cunning and conniving. You know, he's a little bit of a. Like a. An anti hero, so to speak. Right. And there's a lot of sex in the mov in it. And because a lot of temptation. Listen, that's the other thing about the fucking priests and the pope and the cardinals and all that other stuff. Do you really need to be celibate? Is that really a thing you have to do? I mean, haven't we gotten. Can we grow up a little bit and just understand there's so many other religions that don't adhere to this one dumb rule that I think causes a lot of fucking drama, if I'm being honest. Let a priest shake it out every once in a while. 21 EPMs. Let him go. Just let him go.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

For health reasons, if nothing else.

[Brian Green]

Yes, for health reasons, if for nothing else. For health reasons, for sanity, for mental health, for just. For the betterment of man in general. For the betterment of the church in general. Let the priests get married and fornicate. Who cares? Some people even believe that Jesus was not celibate. As a matter of fact, the last temptation of Christ is now they're coming out with the last temptation of Christ too. I'm not sure we need one, but now they have two, which is about just that, that there is some historical backing to believe that Jesus, in fact Was in love, did have sex. Was a man of the. He was a man. He was a man. You know what I'm saying? No sheep balls here. This guy was going at it. And listen, I don't know. Who knows? What do I know? I'm not Jesus. I wasn't around then. But I can tell you this. If we got rid of that one dumb rule, if the Catholics got rid of that, what's the reason?

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

You marry God or something?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you marry God. You know, Mary was a virgin, you're a virgin. We're all virgins. It's like it's your vow to God that there's only one you'll lust after, and that's the who. Fucking honestly. Come on. Really? They're not gods. They're just men and people. And while we're at it, let a few women get the fucking frog. Yes, let's do that. Yeah. I guarantee we wouldn't have so many shenanigans going on if women were in charge. I'm not saying it would have all gone away because there's women who, you know, have predilections, too. But I'm just saying, you know, would have been a whole different situation. I think we could get some women to slap some of those guys around. You know what I'm saying?

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Episcopal. Aren't that. Isn't that very close to Catholic or something?

[Brian Green]

Well, Episcopals are Christians. Christians. Christianity, Big umbrella.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

No, I know.

[Brian Green]

Believe in Christ. And then there's a billion different fucking versions of that right up to and including Mormons, which.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Okay, anyway, maybe we should switch from.

[Brian Green]

Stop. No, I love it. I like talking about this. I think it's great. I think it's an interesting conversation. But listen again. But whatever you choose to do, that's on you.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Yes, you do.

[Brian Green]

You. You do. You. All right, let's take a break. We'll be back.

[Rachel]

Why don't you text us? And we can text back and then you can text us and reply then and so on. It's a fun little game I've been playing, and I think you'll be great at it. 212-4333. TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You could leave a message, too. If you do, maybe you'll end up being the voice of the show. But be warned, the pay is not great. You could go to the website and drop us an email. Also tcbpodcast.com and while you're there, you can get a free sticker. Who doesn't want a Free sticker. Just go to the contact us button and ask for one. Follow us on Insta at the commercial break and watch the [e-mail] the commercial break. Now I'm going to go back to that texting game you want to play. Come on. Bye.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I mean, if you go, like, if you do the, like the. CNN has. CNN has a great. Like.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Oh, I have to watch that.

[Brian Green]

They have a whole series on the popes. Right. And so on SiriusXM, they have a CNN Originals channel.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Yeah, yeah, CNN Originals.

[Brian Green]

All they do is just run the audio from those originals and they do the popes and. Yeah, those popes.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

I'm gonna put that in my notes.

[Brian Green]

They were having kids. They were.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Yeah, they were having babies.

[Brian Green]

They were running alcohol. I mean, these guys were doing everything. Yeah, they're just people. That's it. All right, so the conclave, explained by ChatGPT, not the movie. Conclave is private, confidential meeting. Most famously, it is termed for the papal conclave, where cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church gather to elect a new pope. Who's involved? Only cardinals under the age of 80 are allowed to vote. The number of electors is capped at 120. When it happens after a pope dies or resigns, such as Pope Benedict, there's a mourning period, and then the cardinals meet in Rome, specifically at this Sistine Chapel. Not a bad place to spend a couple of weeks, if you ask me. That Sistine Chapel is beautiful. No matter how you feel about religion, it's gorgeous.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Some of those popes, too, are in the Vatican, buried under there. Jeff and I went down in there and saw their tombs.

[Brian Green]

Yes, I did, too.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

It's wild.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it is wild. And the cat. The papal library. Yeah, the Vatican library.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Yeah. Yeah. That's a big one.

[Brian Green]

Is in. It's like, down 200ft underground. It's like nuclear proof.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

And you can't get in. You. I mean, certain historians and researchers and stuff like that can get in, but you have to be blessed to get in. And if you get in there, all eyes are on you because you're not touching anything they don't want you to touch. You're not looking anywhere they don't want you to look. And you certainly ain't taking nothing home. This isn't a place where you check out the books. You got to go there. Some people spend entire lives looking through that library just to do research on one particular subject.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

I love old libraries because they keep.

[Brian Green]

Books from, like, the Egyptian times. They have, like, papyrus, right? They have, like, writing on papyrus. That's I stuff.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

From all over the world.

[Brian Green]

From all over the world. And you think they have 33ps original songwriting.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

One can only hope.

[Brian Green]

One can only imagine. I mean, the Congress, the library of. Written on my Papyrus 33 or on.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

The back of a Dick Tracy poster.

[Brian Green]

Somebody sign up. The word conclave comes from the Latin term conclave, which means with a key. That's why it's secret. The cardinals are locked in and cut off from the outside world. No phones, no contact at all. No exceptions. Secrecy is strictly enforced. They even sweep for electronic bugs daily.

[Sean Morris]

Jeez. Wow.

[Brian Green]

I mean, but that Italian press is.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Really known to be pretty hounds.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, they're hounds. Yeah. And it's all about the Vatican. I mean, it's in Italy, so it's in Rome, so it's all about. Well, I mean, technically, it's his own country, but you get it. The voting process. The voting is done by secret ballot. A candidate must receive two thirds majority to be elected. There are up to four ballots per day. Two in the morning, two in the afternoon. The smoke signals. After each round of voting, the ballots are burned. If no pope is elected, chemicals are added to make it black. If a Pope is elected, chemicals are added to make it white. Habeas pomp Em. We have a pope. Habeas pomp em. Pomp em.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Pomp em. The outcome in the cumclave.

[Brian Green]

In the cumclave. We're pompin em in the cumclave. That's what we're doing. That's my.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

We're children.

[Brian Green]

My. I know. We're cerebral. Bump them in the cockpit. Drop the papers. Drop the pom pom.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Drop the black spot.

[Brian Green]

Drop the black spot. We have a new pole. Baby is pompom. And people really do get excited about this. I mean, people go crazy. There's old ladies who are going to be sitting out in front of that, assisting chapel for the entirety of that conclave. And it could take months. You'd never know. I mean, I think when Benedict was elected, if I remember correctly, it was like two months we were waiting for that. New was it. I think so. I think it was a really long time we were waiting for that, for that announcement.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

I feel like when my sister and I went to Italy, there was something going on.

[Brian Green]

Then you went during the conclave.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Well, I don't think it had. Maybe it had just happened. There was a buzz about it.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, there's always something going on at that. At that Vatican. It's always crowded. We. I mean, yeah, we bought like the fast Pass or whatever. We bought that Fast Pass.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Well, we did too. With like a tour guide.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, we did, yeah.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Small group.

[Brian Green]

We just said, hey, listen. Well, we went on the website and it's like, you know, wait in line, $5 and then only six.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

But it's a long line. I was glad I got the fast pass.

[Brian Green]

Oh, me too. That line was huge. Ye. You can go. Like they have private tour groups in those tour groups.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

That's what I did with Jeff and Kelly and I did it. We just did it on our own.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you just get in the group and then you leave the group once you get in there, which is what we did. We just kind of left the group. Who cares? No one cares. And they say you gotta stick in the group together, going in the door. And then if you choose to go off on your own, then just keep your badge on you.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

But they have interesting information they give you.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, they do. I mean, listen, it's a full blown museum. That's a part of how the Vatican makes its money.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

The map room was really cool. That map, that map hallway, they've got all those maps, those old maps from all over the years.

[Brian Green]

Like what you thought the world was the nine hundreds.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Green]

When map making started, I mean, it's really. If you, if you ever get a chance to go to Rome, first of all, it's as if you're at Epcot, but it's all real. It's really quite intense to go to Rome for the first time because everything is older than Jesus himself.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And a lot of it's ruins.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

There's a lot of ruins.

[Brian Green]

There's ruins right in the middle of the middle of the city.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

You can just walk by them.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you're touching a wall and it's from the Roman Empire and the Coliseum. All the stuff just popping out of the, out of the wall, it just pops out of the ground. It's like, oh, shit, that's a column from the Coliseum. It's all intense, it's all great. And then you go into the Vatican and it's just crazy. It's not big. It's not. It's like a small, very small town, but it is highly guarded, very dense. There's. You can see cardinals just walking around, nuns, priests. I mean, it's just like, it's so busy at any given time. And once you get inside of the Vatican, once you get inside of the building where, if you're going to the Papal Museum or wherever you're going, once you get inside, it's crazy that you are Surrounded by more money than you will ever be. Surrounded by more money than Fort Knox 10, 10 times, and you know it, because maps from the year 702 don't exactly pop up everywhere. You know what I'm saying? But the Catholic Church has kept it. It's. It would be immensely sad if anything ever happened to that treasure trove of history. But then again, it's like. It's an embarrassment of riches in a lot of ways, because this one religion controls all of this history. It's all there. It's all being controlled by the Catholic Church. And what they ch. To do with it so far is mostly transparent. I know they have a lot of secrets, but it's mostly transparent. And you can go see it. And I think that's doing a great service to the. To the world, is that you can go see these things and people can study them and historians can look at them. What I really want to get to the bottom of and the things that really interest me are around the story of Jesus, him, the Noah's Ark, the Ark of the Covenant, Jesus, the Shroud of Turin, stuff like that. Like, all that really interests me because I want to know if any of it is real. You know, they say that the last cup of Christ, the cup of Christ, the chalice of Christ, right. The cup that he drank out of in the Last Supper is in a church in Valencia, Spain. And you can go to this church and for a donation, you can walk and see the last chalice of Christ, right, The. The cup that Christ supposedly drank out of at the Last Supper. And while I'm not a particularly religious person, the weight of the moment, the weight of staring at it is pretty intense even. It's probably not true. The last cup of Christ is certainly not sitting at a church, a public church in Valencia, Spain. That's not true. But just the thought that it might be is pretty interesting. And when you look at it, you're like, wow, did you. Did a guy named Jesus Christ really touch that? And then you see all these other artifacts when you walk in the Sistine Chapel or you walk into the Papal Museum or whatever it is, it's intense. The weight of it is intense. If you have any interest in history, then you know just how heavy the gravitas that some of these artifacts really hold. It's like walking into the Louvre and seeing King Tut, you know, it's like, holy.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Speaking of, I love all the pyramid stuff. That's even before.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's alien type. Yeah, that's Joe Rogan. Alien type. That's really intense. Yeah. When you go to the Louvre is another one where it is a literal on the list graveyard of wealth. It is immensely big, it is immensely deep. It is immensely full of riches and art that you will never in a million lifetimes get to see the Louvre. When Astrid and I went to the Louvre, we've been a couple times. So we went to the Louvre for the first time. The Louvre, if you don't mind, Chrissy. We went to the Louvre for the first time. I thought, no pro. Let's go for the day. Let's get there at 8 o' clock in the morning when awake. When it. And we'll have lunch there because they got a couple restaurants and we'll have lunch there and we'll just do it. We'll go see everything there is to see. We'll walk through it real quick. Holy shit. You can't get through one wing of the Louvre in a day. You can't get through it in a week. Not one wing. And there's like seven wings of the Louvre. It's crazy how much art and artifacts and crazy stuff they have at the Louvre. It's same with the Vatican. So, you know, listen, the conclave is on and we'll see what happens. I'm really excited to conclave on. I know I'm going to be reading all the Italian rat, you know, paparazzi rags in English. I'm excited. I'm gonna be translating Chappie. Last time there was like some drama. There was some, like, papal boy was sleeping with one of the cardinals. I remember it was a whole thing. Yeah. They caught him coming out of an apartment. Like, the Italian press caught this, like, you know, altar boy coming out of one of the cardinal's rooms. And it was scandal and he had to apologize for his misgivings. I'd like to think it's just a party when they close the doors, you know what I'm saying?

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

They turn on Bring out the good wine.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. They turn on some Bruno Mars and they get dancing. I mean, come on. Yeah. All of those guys, they say they don't let people over 80 vote, but. So then therefore it's between 75 and 80 that you vote because all those guys are so old. Yeah. Probably the bathrooms there must get a workout because they're probably. That's probably why it takes so long to pick a pope. Everyone's got a pee every five minutes. Might be they're all old. I'd like them to see them pick a pope of a different Race. That's what I'd like to see. Then we know that real progress is being made. And there's always. Listen, there's a lot of Catholic people in Africa. Like, a lot of Catholic people in Africa. And so far, all over the world. No black popes. What?

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

All over the world?

[Brian Green]

All over the world. Oh, yeah, it's huge. It's like Muslim and then Catholic, isn't it? Something like that. Muslim, Catholic. What are the. Let's. Let's ask ChatGPT. What are the biggest religions in the. Oh, so Hinduism, I think, is another big one. What are the largest religions in the world? I love ChatGPT. I'm just getting it turned you on? Personal assistant.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

I got you going with it.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Christianity. Well, okay, so. But what about Catholics? Okay, Christianity is the biggest. 2.4 billion. Islam, 1.9. Hinduism, 1.2. Buddhism, 500 million. Sikh. Judaism. Traditional religions. Oh, like Chinese folk religion and stuff like that. Yeah. So I imagine of Christianity, a good chunk of those people have to be Catholic. That's my. That's my guess. I know not all Catholic, but I would guess more than half are Catholics.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Throughout the world. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, throughout the world. But the African continent has a lot of Catholics. And so you'd like to see them represent. That's what I think would represent true. Like, visual progress is if we had a black pope and there's a couple of cardinals in there who are. I hear from my connections in the Italian paparazzi that are up for it, so.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

I don't know. Anyway, tell us how you feel about the papal conclave. We're just, you know, just shooting the shit. I thought it was something interesting to talk about because I find.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Well, yeah, we could talk about it.

[Brian Green]

You couldn't pull me into a church. But when the papal conclave comes along, and they don't happen very often.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

No.

[Brian Green]

So enjoy it while it's here, kids, because the next pope's probably going to die.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

We should have a pope party.

[Brian Green]

We should have a pope party. Who's bringing the blow?

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

One set of white smoke. White powder.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Finger dip. Finger dip. All right. I see some people are calling on this hotline here. Let's see if we can get one.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

All right, let's do it. We'll be back.

[Rachel]

Okay. You're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at tcb. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid, too? You know you do leave a message for her or me or Chrissy at 212-4333 TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show, too. Just call and say something, anything, or text us and we'll text you right back. Promise. Then head over to tcbpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker and we must abide. You get the point. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and watch all the episodes on [e-mail] thecommercial break. Best to you and Astrid. Especially Astrid.

[Brian Green]

All right, so for a long time we have wanted to have callers call into the show, but we have not, not been able to technically get it to work, Chrissy. Because, you know, that's just how I roll. Yes, I love doing it, but I asked some people to call in today specifically and I see the phone is ringing specific. I, I know this guy who's calling in. So let's pick up the phone here. Name is Sean. Sean is a longtime listener of the show. So let's pick up the phone. We'll talk to.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Long time, first time.

[Brian Green]

Long first time. Long time, long time, first time. Sean Morris. There he is right now. Hey, buddy, how are you?

[Sean Morris]

Hey, Brian and Chrissy. How y' all doing? Thank you. I pleasure. I'm glad to be on the show.

[Brian Green]

Well, we are happy to have you. We're glad to have a listener calling. No celebrities today, kids. It's only regular. Well, celebrity in his own right.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Yeah, that's right.

[Brian Green]

But so Sean has been, has been texting in for a long time and I put the siren call out to have some people call in. I'm glad that you, you called in. Sean. Sean, real quick. You live down in South Georgia, is that correct?

[Sean Morris]

Yeah, I grew up in Douglas, Georgia and I live in, currently live in the Brunswick, Georgia on the coast. But I grew up in Dare. I mean, Douglas, Georgia. And you've mentioned Valdosta, Georgia a couple of times, Brian.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Sean Morris]

And a little, a little fun fact. I didn't know if you knew this Doc Holliday. The famous Doc Holliday was, grew up in Valdosta, Georgia. Did you know that?

[Brian Green]

No, I had no idea that Doc Holliday was from Valdosta. Val Kilmer. Oh, Doc Holliday was played by Val Kilmer. Val Kilmer. Valdosta, yeah.

[Sean Morris]

Val Kilmer, Yeah. I love, I love Val Kilmer, but yeah, absolutely. I love, that's one of my Favorite all time TV movies.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Sean, you and me both. I. I love Tombstone. That is like one of my favorite movies of all time.

[Sean Morris]

I'll be. Yeah, I'll be your huckleberry.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

I'll be your huckleberry. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Okay.

[Sean Morris]

I love it.

[Brian Green]

You two take it on the road. Sean. Sean texts in and you know, Sean follows the show very closely. And for that I am ultimately appreciat. And I tell Sean all the time and like I tell a lot of people, listen, this can be kind of a lonely venture. You sit here. It's not lonely in the sense that Chrissy and I are here, but it's lonely in the sense that, you know, you don't get instant feedback. It's not like we're on a stage with people, but we have a lot of people that do text in frequently. And Sean is top three, no doubt about it. And Sean has on occasion sent me videos or pictures of you trapping, removing wild animals from South Georgia. Now let me paint a picture for the people who don't know south Georgia is on is. We're talking about like the coastal areas, what they would call low country lowlands. Where it's like swamp.

[Sean Morris]

Yeah, low country. Low country.

[Brian Green]

Some dangerous ass water. Some brackish, salty, fresh water. Yeah. Where it's like the tide goes in, the tide comes out and there's all kind of critters. Critters. I imagine possums are in there too. Because possums show up where.

[Sean Morris]

Oh, yeah, I know you love. I know you love possum.

[Brian Green]

I hate them.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Sean, with the babies.

[Brian Green]

What, what. When you're doing this nuisance trapping. What is. When you're waist deep in water because you're licensed. Yeah, because you're licensed to do this. How do you go about. Like, who calls you the, the homeowner or the government?

[Sean Morris]

Yeah, I've had several, I've had several homeowner calls, but most, you know, and. Well, a lot of, you know, hunting clubs, clubs that deer clubs, they have, you know, they've got thousands, 2,000 acres. And I started out with the coyotes and they're killing the baby. Baby deer and that, that, that was kind of for free, but. And I, I just, I did it, but I didn't, you know, I didn't really enjoy it because it was just taking my time up and. But you know, I had a big gigantic corporation company call me with the beaver. The beavers. And they're clogging up pipes and they're flooding roads. Timber companies and they're flooding the roads, washing the Roads out. They're destroying like 50, 60 acres of woodland with damming up the pipes and the culverts. And that's where I do that kind of on the side other work. And people, you know, I, I've got a lot of hate mail, a lot of hate stuff on Facebook because, but people have to understand I'm, I'm only removing two or three beavers and there's thousands of beavers in the swamps. But these two or three beavers are, you know, flooding roads out and destroying, you know, hundreds of acres of timber.

[Brian Green]

Listen to this, listen to this. My dad lives on a lake and on that lake, you know, it's, it's a man made lake. So it's part of the Duke Energy man made lake thing up in North Carolina. And they had a couple of beavers that nested near their, their wet slip, right their, their dock right at the back of their house. And those beavers were chewing up wires. They were chewing up communication wires. They were taking down trees and putting them like on the dock. Like they were falling on the dock. I mean these guys were like doing a lot of damage. Now listen, the beavers were there first. Okay, I got that. But they had to have the beavers removed and replaced somewhere else because those beavers were causing like real damage to the property. And as cute as they might, you know, seem, they, they were just, they were just a nuisance. So. And if they're like causing real problems, I can see why you'd want to remove them and replace them somewhere else when you get in the wastewater. What are you, you taking traps or are you trying to find, do you ever trap snakes?

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Well, do you call them?

[Sean Morris]

Oh, oh, oh my God, is there a beaver? I've got so many stores. And you're right, Brian, I mean, mean, I mean about, I've got so many friends that a beaver, a couple of beavers can cost $25,000. Oh sure, upon, upon them, upon them has to be rebuilt. But beavers are cute and they're very smart and they're the nature's engineers. I mean they build dams and they're very intelligent and I respect all wildlife. I do, I do. But there's certain circumstances where you have to remove a certain colony or whatever because they're just wreaking havoc and. But yeah, you're right. But. Oh, going to the fact of me going in the water. Oh, Brian and Chrissy.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Oh my God.

[Sean Morris]

I encounter alligators frequently. I killed her water moccasins. Now alligators really don't scare Me as much as the water moccasins.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Sean Morris]

I'm waiting waist deep in the water through vines and weeds. And what are you wearing?

[Brian Green]

Are you wearing, like.

[Sean Morris]

Chest waiters and I'm wearing chest waiters. And I, I, by law, I have to carry a pistol. I, I, by law, you have to.

[Brian Green]

Carry a pistol because it protects you against the alligators and the jaguars or whatever.

[Sean Morris]

Well, yeah, there's, there's many reasons, but, but, I mean, people maybe hate me for that, but. No, I got, I got some stories about some Facebook post and women getting mad at me and, and I can address that.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Haters gonna hate.

[Brian Green]

Haters gonna hate. And listen, I want to say this to the audience. I want to say this to the audience in defense of, of Sean a little bit and others like him. You, all life is precious. And I, I don't disagree. I don't disagree with that. Exactly.

[Sean Morris]

I respect, Exactly. Respect every animal. I respect deer, hogs, alligator. I respect all wildlife.

[Brian Green]

But, but hold on, hold on one second.

[Sean Morris]

It's like, and like, people like, well, you, you eat chicken, you raise chickens, and you kill chickens to eat. I mean, like, I'm like, well, where do you get chicken? Well, I get it from the freezer section in the grocery store. I'm like, where do you think that chicken.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Exactly.

[Brian Green]

Yes. And the reality is, is that if we're gonna, if we're gonna co. Mingle, if we're gonna cohabitate with animals, there are, are things that we have to do to keep each other safe. And sometimes those things include removing or replacing or rehabilitating some types of animals so that they don't get in the way of something more dangerous or cause something more dangerous. Now let me ask you this. Why are you not afraid of alligators?

[Sean Morris]

Well, alligators in the wild are pretty much basically scared humans. The dangerous alligators are the ones that are fed from docks in subdivisions because they're not afraid of people. And those are the Danish. Now, I encounter alligators in the wild all the time, and they are afraid of humans, and they will leave. Now, I will tell you one story. There's one type of alligator that I'm scared of in the wild. That's a mama with babies.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Right? Right.

[Brian Green]

That's any, any wild animal. Yeah.

[Sean Morris]

I was, I was doing a trapping. I was doing a beaver nuis job, and I had to, I had to walk down this steep bank and walked around this dam. I'm. I'm in the water, like, waist deep with my waders on, and I set some Traps for beavers because they were clogging up the pipe and flooding the road in the woods. And then I heard this specific grunt. And I know what that grunt sounds like. I can mimic it. I can call it. I know how to call alligator. I can, I can call alligators up to me.

[Brian Green]

Wow.

[Sean Morris]

Specific baby grunt. I mean, it's a specific sound. And I, I was in the water and I was sitting, trapping, and I was in, I was waisting and I heard this, this little chirp. This, it's like a chirp. And it was baby alligators. And I'm like, oh, yeah. And I'm like 50ft away and I'm in the water.

[Brian Green]

Water.

[Sean Morris]

And I eased my way out and I walked down the little road and I saw a nest down in the bank and there was like five little baby alligators in the nest.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Whoa.

[Sean Morris]

And, And I've already got traps out there in that water and I had to check them every day. And the next day I parked my truck way down the road. I walked and I saw the mama on 8ft, 9ft long mama house.

[Brian Green]

That's crazy.

[Sean Morris]

50Ft for where I was waiting in the water and had my beaver traps. And I'm like, no, no, I'm out of here.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Let me check back another day.

[Sean Morris]

Traps out of there. And I left that spot. I'm like, no. And I didn't. I, I mean, I, I really could have, you know, kill the mama and you know, I, I don't want to do that.

[Brian Green]

What is. Do you find that there's like, I, I know that this is going on in Florida, especially in south Florida where they have, you know, vast amounts of swamp land down there, but does it happen in Georgia that you have pythons, tame pythons?

[Sean Morris]

We don't have pythons in Georgia, but there are. I mean, I've worked down in South Florida, but you know, we don't have pop ons in South Georgia. We have a lot of water moccasins and a lot of alligators and rattlesnakes. And I'm in that, I'm in that every day when I'm trapping beavers. I've been walking through the woods and I'm, I've encountered. I mean, God, I hope you're getting paid. Well, yeah, I mean, I, Chrissy, I, I did. I mean, it was, it was decent money. I mean, it really was.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Yeah, well, nobody else wants to get out there and do that.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I mean, when you do something wants to do.

[Sean Morris]

I mean, I'm, I'm, I consider myself Pretty brave. But when it comes to getting in the water, I mean, the. I, I guess to tell you the. The scariest thing to me is the water moccasins, because they are mean and they are aggressive and they're everywhere. And do you have to psych yourself.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Up before you get in the water with like a. A song or something?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you can listen to some commercial break.

[Sean Morris]

I was. I think I told. I think I told you, Brian. One time on a text. One time. You know, I used to work when I was a teenager. I worked for a pest control company. I used to crawl on houses to check for termites. And one time I crawled over a air conditioner vent and under the crawl space door, you know, there's little dope. There's little holes where you crawl under a house.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Oh, yeah.

[Sean Morris]

And immediately when I crawled in on my belly, I. My hand touched this slimy thing and it was like a 4 foot, freshly shed snakeskin. And I'm like, I've got to crawl under this whole house to do my job. And I just touched this snake skin. I knew this snakes under this house somewhere.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Sean Morris]

And I bet I've got to crawl and. Oh, your favorite thing, Brian. One, one time I was crawling on my, on my left elbow, just crawling and knocking on the side with a little hammer, checking for termites. And I got to the corner and face to face with a possum.

[Brian Green]

A possum. Oh, those things are mean as a.

[Sean Morris]

Snake with his mouth open in my face and.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Those beady eyes.

[Brian Green]

That is a nightmare to me. A nightmare to me. Oh, my God.

[Sean Morris]

You can't run. You can't stand up. You're crawling on your belly.

[Brian Green]

What did you do, just back out? Did you just back out at that point?

[Sean Morris]

And I just went around the corner and just kept on going. I just said, boy.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God, Sean, I could. Honestly, I could talk to you all day long. We're running low on time, but, Sean, listen, can we call you back another time? Will you give us more? Will you ingratiate us with more stories?

[Sean Morris]

Because I've got probably 12 or. I know you do stories that y' all will laugh your ass off. So many, so many funny, funny, scary, scary slash funny stories.

[Brian Green]

I do want to say this, this. I do want to say this. Sean's been calling it. Ashen's been texting in for a very long time. And Sean, we love you, man. Thank you so much. We love you today.

[Sean Morris]

I love Brian and Christy. I love y' all too. I listen to you every Day.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Thank you ever.

[Sean Morris]

And I hate I missed y' all last year. Brian, I'm glad you're doing better.

[Brian Green]

Thanks, buddy. Yeah, thanks so much. It means a lot.

[Sean Morris]

Yep, yep, yep.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it means a lot. All right, Sean from South Georgia. We will talk to him again soon. 212-4333. TCB. You can call in. You can be on the show, too. Text us and let us know you want to be on the show. Sean, we'll talk to you soon. Thanks, buddy.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Thanks, Sean.

[Sean Morris]

Thank you. Thank you, Chrissy. I appreciate y' all so much.

[Brian Green]

Talk to you soon.

[Sean Morris]

Bye.

[Brian Green]

Sean from South Georgia. Look at that.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Wow. We just scratched the surface.

[Brian Green]

Well, I have a feeling he can talk all day long. Yeah.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Oh, my God. I can only imagine what he is seeing.

[Brian Green]

Wow.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

And done.

[Brian Green]

I don't even want. I mean, the possum story freaks me out. If I came face to face with a possum, I'd myself. That's what I do. I'd myself under a house. Under a house. Yeah. And I. I have to go under my house to change the air conditioning.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

I hate it.

[Brian Green]

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it with every fiber in my being. But I got to be brave for my kids. I got to show them that I'm a man. I'm a man.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

You got to psych yourself up with a song.

[Brian Green]

I do have to psych. Luckily, I'm not dealing with Walter Moccasin can't be wrong. Two princes, Cleopatra's cat. That's what I'm doing. Cleopatra.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

Just play that and just pump yourself up.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God. How funny is that? All right, Sean from South Georgia, big fan of the show. We're a big fan of his. Sean could talk. Sean could be a third member of the show.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

He could.

[Brian Green]

If we need a break, we'll call.

[Rachel]

Exactly.

[Chrissy Joy Holding]

One of us is sick.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, he's got some stories. We can talk to him. All right, well, I don't even know what I want to say. 12 hours of TCB there. We'll start with that. 12 hours of TCB May 31st. Saturday, May 31st, starting at 10am 12 straight episodes of the commercial break. A new one on the hour. We'll also be showing you behind the scenes recording stuff, YouTube and on Twitch. Stay tuned for more information brought to you by the commercial break. Covert creative, CTB and our good friends at Odyssey. Love us some Odyssey.

[Deborah Flitzflats]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

If you want to be on the show, as mentioned. 212-4333. TCB. 212-433.3822 questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. You got any good stories you want to tell us? You have a question you want to ask us, let us know. You can dial up right here in the studio. We'll let you know when to call. Also America's next top Mediocre podcaster is on after the 12 hours of TCB. Let us know you want to be involved and we'll figure that out. TCB podcast.com for all the information, all the audio and video right there at one location at the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok and YouTube.com the commercial. Right. Should have had Sean do that. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today. I think so I'll tell you that I love you.

[Deborah Flitzflats]

I love you.

[Brian Green]

Best to you and best you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say we do say and we must say goodbye. Sam, The morning.