The Commercial Break — “Habeas Pump’em!”
Original Air Date: April 29, 2025
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley
Guest: Sean Morris (listener call-in)
Episode Overview
This episode dives into all things papal: the recent death of the Pope, the mysterious Vatican conclave process, the history (and baggage) of the Catholic Church, and musings on religion, tradition, and modernity—TCB style. Later, the show features listener Sean Morris, a South Georgia “nuisance trapper,” who shares wild stories of animal control in the swamps, complete with possums and alligators. As always, Bryan and Krissy blend irreverent comedy, awkward sincerity, and pop culture reflection in their uniquely unfiltered way.
Main Discussion Points & Insights
1. Satirical “Local News” Report on Exorcist Pastor
- [00:03] Episode opens with a parody segment featuring Deborah Flitzflats reporting on Pastor Rockwell Pattycake, an “Instagram exorcist” performing “miracles” and hawking his own meme coin (Bitcake) in Crabapple.
- Lampoons flashy modern evangelism, spiritual grifting, and religious “miracle” exploits online.
- Quote:
“Pastor Pattycake ... splashed his holy waters into my barren shores.” – Deborah Flitzflats, quoting a parishioner, [00:52]
- Satirizes the commercialization of religion (holy meme coins, personal jets) and online persona of clout-chasing religious leaders.
2. The Death of the Pope & Legacy of Recent Popes
- [03:35] Real TCB show begins. Bryan and Krissy discuss the recent (fictional) death of the Pope.
- Bryan reflects on the shifting role of the papacy and organized religion:
“The new version of Jesus that some people are subscribing to, especially some of these, like evangelicals ... It’s insane.” – Bryan, [04:35]
- Discussion of how recent popes, especially Pope John Paul II, were seen as “peacemakers” and “everyman” figures.
- Bryan remembers how past popes were revered, even by non-devout or semi-practicing Catholics.
3. Catholic Church: Scandals & Evolving Stance
- [07:10] Candid conversation about pervasive sexual abuse scandals in the Catholic Church, with Bryan revealing it affected members of his own family:
“I know this story very well. I’m affected by it. Not me personally ... but it was terrible, and it was pervasive.” – Bryan, [08:07]
- Discussion of how the latest popes differed:
- Pope Benedict: “dogmatic” and more involved in cover-ups.
- The most recent pope: pushed for change, apologies, and reporting abuse to law enforcement.
4. The Vatican’s Wealth, Secrecy & Conclave Traditions
- [12:29] Krissy and Bryan reminisce about experiencing the Vatican’s immense riches:
“It’s dripping in gold ... Elon Musk is like pauper compared to the wealth that the Catholic Church has.” – Bryan, [12:38]
- [13:45] Discussion of the papal conclave:
- The locked-room, black/white smoke ritual to announce a new pope.
- Satirical riffing on the secrecy:
“That conclave, way more than Augusta National, is probably the most mysterious club event in the world.” – Bryan, [14:03]
- [15:17] Calls for a modern, transparent conclave—“stream it on Twitch.”
5. Church, Dogma & Modern Values
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Extended debate on whether Catholicism is moving toward progressive values.
- Pope’s tepid approval of blessing gay couples “under certain circumstances” ([17:26]).
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Bryan’s perspective on Christianity simplified:
“If you just take it at face value, take what Jesus said at face value: Do unto others. That’s it. The first and last rule. ... If you follow that, you’re good.” – Bryan, [18:14]
-
Critique of religious dogma and the selective application of ancient biblical rules to “modern times.”
6. TV & Pop Culture: The Pope on Screen
- [19:39] Brief digression into TV and movies about popes:
- The Young Pope: “What a great, fucking fantastic show ... Certainly don’t watch it if you’re really into the dogma ... But what a fantastic show, played to the tee.” – Bryan, [19:47]
- Discussion about celibacy in the clergy, calling for less restrictive (and less problematic) practices.
7. Vatican Museums, Art & Historical Riches
- [24:25] Krissy and Bryan share stories about visiting the Vatican, St. Peter’s Basilica, papal tombs, the “map hallway,” and the underground library:
“The Vatican library ... it’s like 200 feet underground, it’s nuclear proof.” – Bryan, [25:57]
- Riff on the magnitude of historical artifacts controlled by the church:
“It would be immensely sad if anything ever happened to that treasure trove of history. But then again, it’s like ... an embarrassment of riches.” – Bryan, [32:14]
- Wondering about secrets in the Vatican Library:
“Some people spend entire lives looking through that library just to do research on one particular subject.” – Bryan, [26:29]
8. The Mechanics of Papal Conclave (with Satire)
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[27:18] Bryan gives a run-down of how the conclave works, with color commentary:
“After each round of voting, the ballots are burned. If no pope is elected, chemicals are added to make it black. If a pope is elected, chemicals are added to make it white. Habeas pompem! We have a pope. Habeas pompem!” – Bryan, [27:51] “We’re pomping them in the cumclave. That’s what we’re doing.” – Bryan, [28:06]
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Discussion of how long conclaves can take, the crowds, and the spectacle of it all.
9. Listener Call Segment: Swamp Stories with Sean Morris
- [39:31-55:59]
- Bryan and Krissy field a call from Sean Morris, a loyal listener and professional nuisance trapper from South Georgia.
- Sean shares wild tales of beaver, alligator, and snake capturing in the lowlands:
“Beavers are cute and they’re very smart ... But there’s certain circumstances where you have to remove a certain colony ... because they’re just wreaking havoc.” – Sean, [43:02] “Alligators in the wild are pretty much basically scared of humans. The dangerous alligators are the ones that are fed from docks in subdivisions.” – Sean, [48:55]
- Describes trapping amidst water moccasins, alligator nests, crawling under houses, and a terrifying face-off with a possum:
“I got to the corner and face to face with a possum ... a possum with his mouth open in my face ... That is a nightmare to me.” – Bryan, [54:11–54:22]
- Friendly banter about the relative dangers of various animals and the ethics of animal removal.
- Sean promises more stories for future episodes, and both hosts express their appreciation for his support and storytelling.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- “Do unto others. That’s it. The first and last rule.” – Bryan [18:14]
- “Let a priest shake it out every once in a while ... For health reasons, if for nothing else.” – Bryan [21:14]
- “I guarantee we wouldn’t have so many shenanigans going on if women were in charge.” – Bryan [22:58]
- “That conclave ... is probably the most mysterious club event in the world ... 2025: It’s time we stream this on Twitch.” – Bryan [14:03]
- “Beavers are cute and very smart ... but there’s certain circumstances where you have to remove a colony.” – Sean [43:02]
- “I got to the corner and face to face with a possum ... That is a nightmare to me.” – Bryan [54:11–54:22]
- “If you do unto others as you would do to yourself ... you’re good, right?” – Krissy [18:19]
Timestamps for Key Segments
- 00:03 — Satirical community news: Exorcist influencer pastor in Crabapple
- 03:35 — Hosts reflect on the Pope’s death; evolving role of papacy
- 07:10–10:03 — Detailed, personal reflection on church scandals and reforms
- 12:29–14:09 — Vatican wealth and secretive traditions
- 15:17–16:54 — Calls for live-streamed conclave; traditions discussed
- 17:09 — The Pope on gay couples
- 19:39 — TV: The Young Pope, celibacy debates
- 24:25–33:56 — Vatican/Sistine Chapel stories; museum/riches
- 27:18–28:29 — Conclave rituals, “Habeas pompem,” and TCB’s brand of satire
- 39:31–55:59 — Listener call: Sean Morris, Southern animal-trapping stories
- 54:11–54:22 — Possum nightmare story
- 57:04–57:08 — Hosts joke about Sean as a potential new co-host
- 58:31 — Episode wrap-up and promo tease for upcoming mega-episode marathon
Tone & Style
- Fast-paced, riff-heavy, and deliberately irreverent.
- Personal anecdotes and opinions mix with satire and pop culture tangents.
- Willingly self-deprecating (“the show is just FINE”), and inclusive of audience banter.
- Unfiltered but with a surprisingly sincere thread about justice, trauma, and progress.
Summary
A classic, sprawling episode of The Commercial Break: starting with church satire, morphing into a surprisingly earnest (but deeply funny) conversation about popes, Catholic tradition, and the weight of church history. The hosts balance skepticism with a bit of reverence for the human dimensions of faith—and always swing back to a joke before getting too heavy. The cameo from listener Sean Morris turns the show into a surreal Southern travelogue of wildlife hazards and chatty possums, underlining TCB’s talent for turning anything weird (or sacred) into community comedy.
For those who haven’t listened:
Expect edgily comedic but surprisingly meaningful banter about the papacy, the hypocrisies and hopes around change in organized religion, candid takes on historical trauma, and a gloriously tangential second act driven by one listener’s dangerous, hilarious swamp stories. No church attendance required—unless you count the “First Church of the Black Smoke” in the conclave.