Hack Those Sticky Eyes!

Summary

The Commercial Break – Episode: Hack Those Sticky Eyes! Release Date: February 26, 2025

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Overview In the episode titled "Hack Those Sticky Eyes!" from The Commercial Break, hosts Brian Green and Chris "Chrissy" Hoadley delve into the chaotic yet humorous aspects of parenting, personal anecdotes, and dissect a trending social media dating hack known as "Sticky Eyes." Embracing their signature improv-comedy and unfiltered banter, the duo offers listeners a blend of dark humor, relatable struggles, and insightful commentary on modern relationships.

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Parenting Predicaments and Family Chaos

Brian Green kicks off the episode by sharing a vivid and messy story about managing his children's sudden bout of vomiting. At [05:30], he recounts how two of his kids fell ill simultaneously, leading to a frenzied series of events involving cleaning up puke in the house. The situation escalates at [16:33] when Brian describes a late-night incident where his child throws up in the shower, resulting in a chaotic and distressing scene.

Notable Quote:

Brian Green [16:02]: "It's got a big mouth on the bottom of it, like a fish mouth. And it just... sucks up the puke. It puts it in a bag, like a sanitary bag, and then it drives it to a far off location and puts it on a rocket and sends outer space."

Chrissy Hoadley adds her perspective on the trials of parenting, emphasizing the relentless nature of caring for children when both parents are sick ([22:07] – [24:45]). The hosts humorously navigate the challenges of toddler tantrums and the endless loop of sickness within the household.

Notable Quote:

Chrissy Hoadley [25:46]: "We both had that six months ago or so at different times and in different households."

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Navigating Modern Relationships and Dating Hacks

The central theme of the episode revolves around the discussion of "Sticky Eyes," a viral dating hack purported to attract attention in social settings. At [33:02], Brian introduces the concept, prompting a comedic yet critical analysis from both hosts.

Sticky Eyes Explained: A listener-submitted segment features a breakdown of "Sticky Eyes," where one is advised to maintain prolonged eye contact to summon someone's attention at a bar. However, Brian and Chrissy swiftly debunk the effectiveness of this tactic through personal anecdotes and observational humor.

Notable Quote:

Brian Green [34:47]: "Okay, this sounds just as dumb as anything Michael Anthony has ever said."

The hosts further explore the futility of such hacks, advocating instead for authentic interactions. Brian shares his own failed experience with the "Sticky Eyes" method at a college bar, emphasizing that genuine conversations are more effective than forced maneuvers.

Notable Quote:

Brian Green [37:32]: "Staring at someone at a college bar is not a particularly... effective tactic."

Chrissy Hoadley concurs, highlighting the importance of being oneself and fostering natural connections over relying on gimmicks.

Notable Quote:

Chrissy Hoadley [38:35]: "Could be anything. Cleaning hack, cooking hack, dating hack. We've hacked it."

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Humorous Insights on Relationships and Personal Growth

Transitioning from dating hacks, the duo shares insights on maintaining long-term relationships. Brian reflects on his decade-long friendship with Astrid, underscoring the significance of mutual respect, trust, and humor in sustaining relationships despite occasional blowouts.

Notable Quote:

Brian Green [44:03]: "At first, you can't get enough of each other. Then you're mad because you aren't getting enough of each other. And then you learn that I've had enough of you."

Chrissy emphasizes the importance of laughter and communication, suggesting that humor can defuse tension and strengthen bonds.

Notable Quote:

Chrissy Hoadley [45:07]: "Laugh at yourself. Laugh at them."

The conversation also touches on the absurdities of relationship "hacks," reinforcing that there's no magical solution to building meaningful connections. Instead, the hosts advocate for genuine effort and understanding between partners.

Notable Quote:

Brian Green [41:58]: "There is no hack. It's a magic. It's a magic formula that even the best of scientists, nor the quantum witch can solve for you."

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Conclusion and Final Thoughts

As the episode nears its end, Brian and Chrissy wrap up their discussion by reiterating the futility of relying on superficial hacks for relationships. They encourage listeners to embrace authenticity, prioritize meaningful interactions, and invest in personal growth rather than seeking quick fixes.

Final Quote:

Brian Green [62:17]: "Good trouble. I don't want to encourage anybody to get in actual trouble. I just want them to get into good kind of trouble."

Overall, "Hack Those Sticky Eyes!" is a testament to The Commercial Break's ability to blend humor with real-life challenges, offering both laughter and thoughtful reflections for its audience.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Brian Green [34:47]: "Okay, this sounds just as dumb as anything Michael Anthony has ever said."
• Brian Green [37:32]: "Staring at someone at a college bar is not a particularly... effective tactic."
• Brian Green [41:58]: "There is no hack. It's a magic. It's a magic formula that even the best of scientists, nor the quantum witch can solve for you."
• Brian Green [44:03]: "At first, you can't get enough of each other. Then you're mad because you aren't getting enough of each other. And then you learn that I've had enough of you."
• Chrissy Hoadley [38:35]: "Could be anything. Cleaning hack, cooking hack, dating hack. We've hacked it."
• Chrissy Hoadley [45:07]: "Laugh at yourself. Laugh at them."
• Brian Green [62:17]: "Good trouble. I don't want to encourage anybody to get in actual trouble. I just want them to get into good kind of trouble."

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Closing Remarks The Commercial Break continues to deliver its unique blend of improv comedy and candid conversations, making it a staple for listeners seeking an irreverent and entertaining escape. "Hack Those Sticky Eyes!" exemplifies the show's commitment to tackling everyday chaos with humor and honesty.

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Transcript

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[Roman Rakhmanov]

And welcome back to WSHIT's Focus on Community, a follow up on a story 22 years in the making. Longtime Crabapple residents will remember the short lived but meaningful R exchange student program that tugged at the hearts and the souls of the citizens of this great township. And some with a keen mind will recall the very first Russian exchange student, 42 year old Roman Rakhmanovok. Roman was just a rather fresh faced middle aged man studying opera at the local community college of Crabapple when he lost his chin, part of his tongue and most of his nose in a terrible massage related accident at Tina Tannen Tweeze. While Tina Tannen Tweeze continues to deny culpability, Roman harbors no ill feelings and made a triumphant return to the Crabapple Community Theater this afternoon to give a rousing performance. And with very little pun, Crabapple took this one on the chin. Here now, Roman with the Crabapple Community Volunteer Orchestra covering the Beatles. Let it be well, I find myself.

[Brian Green]

In triumphs of tribal Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom Let us be.

[Roman Rakhmanov]

Until my heart in the.

[Brian Green]

Darkness she stands on the right and followed me Speaking voice of breathe Lord let it be Let it be Let it be Let it be Let it be.

[Roman Rakhmanov]

And when the night is cloudy.

[Brian Green]

Let us see the light and shine on me Shine until tomorrow Let us be.

[Roman Rakhmanov]

I wake up to this household.

[Brian Green]

Music more than every.

[Roman Rakhmanov]

He may not be able to smell what you're cooking or put on a helmet properly, but on behalf of the township of Crabapple, let me be the first to say postravimia.

[Brian Green]

On this episode.

[Roman Rakhmanov]

Of the commercial break.

[Brian Green]

If there was a secret that you could use some magic fire. And on occasion, I will admit. On occasion.

[Chris Hoadley]

A hack works on occasion.

[Brian Green]

And it's usually something your grandma was doing way back when. Exactly.

[Chris Hoadley]

Like how to clean the microwave out.

[Brian Green]

With steam in like some weird tribal writing in a cave. It's been lost for a generation, but now we found it again.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, so true.

[Brian Green]

Like lemon and vinegar really does clean.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, okay.

[Brian Green]

Noemi taught us that one. And we're still surprised that vinegar's cleaning the house. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh yeah. Guys and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co host of this show, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.

[Chris Hoadley]

Best to you, Brian.

[Brian Green]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. How the hell are you? Thanks for joining us on yet another episode of this the only one you're gonna need. Only one you'll ever need. Five minutes or less. Raw dog it.

[Chris Hoadley]

I like that little finger movement. You did too.

[Brian Green]

You like that when I kind of swooped in? You have to check that on YouTube.com thecommercial break. Hey, that guy who does Dr. Phil. Is it Ryan Long who does Dr. Phil? Do you know who I'm talking about? The comedian who does the Dr. Phil live show. Have you seen this? I think we've talked about it briefly on the show. There's another podcaster and comedian, I think his name is Ryan Long, and he does, like, he gets a bald cap on, he dresses up like Dr. Phil and he does a whole live show called Dr. Phil Live.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, wow.

[Brian Green]

Where he goes up and he pretends he's Dr. Phil. He talks to celebrities, he interacts with the audience. It's really funny. But my impression is better. That's all I gotta say. Okay, you want to do it? You want to do a fill off? We'll do a fill off. I can do a fill off. This is going to be a changing day in your life, I'm telling you right now. Grass greener on the other side, isn't it? Dr. Phil has found his way into controversy and infamy. He has been quite the nudnik as of late. Running around, running around. What happened to the Dr. Phil show? Couldn't he continue to do that?

[Chris Hoadley]

That was okay.

[Brian Green]

My mom liked it. My mom was in it.

[Chris Hoadley]

It might have run its course, but for him to jump straight into ice.

[Brian Green]

Like, wait, what are you doing? Catching people, catching people near the border. Make sure everything's going okay. Oh, really? Okay. All right, Dr. Phil. Yeah, this is the part that really kind of gets me, and I don't want to go. I'm not going to go off on a tangent. So just keep. Stay tuned. Don't press pause just yet. Not going to go off on a tangent. I'm just going to say this and this will be. Surprises me and it infuriates me at times how content creators and other celebrities are just jumping over themselves to lick the balls of, you know, political figures that otherwise we would have just had a kind of a healthy distrust of like a. A little bit of, I don't know, like a little bit of. I don't think I trust that guy because he's a politician. But now everybody's like, licking the balls as quick as they can. And I get it because you don't certainly don't want to be on the bad side of a certain political party that may or may not exact revenge upon you. But then at the same time, like, shouldn't we have, like, a little healthy disdain for our politicians and our higher ups and our government? Doesn't matter who's in power on both sides? They're all going to fuck you. And so you might as well have a, you know, just keep one eye open when you're dealing with these people. And to just run to get in the middle of the fray, in the fracas, so that you can take it, you know?

[Chris Hoadley]

Well, I mean, he had plenty of money, I'm sure.

[Brian Green]

Why did he, Dr. Phil?

[Chris Hoadley]

Why did I need to get back out there? Go enjoy. He was yourself on an island.

[Brian Green]

See, him and Judge Judy were the number one syndicated talk shows, television shows in daytime tv. And daytime TV pays a shitload of money because it gets syndicated all over the place. And they throw those, I don't know, Tide commercials in there. And everybody loves it. General Mills and Tide, they all spend their money in the afternoon. And that's big money. You can make a Dr. Phil show probably for 50,000 if you have the set, you know, ready. You could probably make it without Phil's salary. You could probably make it for 50,000 bucks.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oprah said anyways, right?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it was Oprah. He was doing it. Oprah. Thanks, Oprah. See, even Oprah, you should have a healthy disdain and distrust for now. I like Oprah. I don't know her, but I can't say too. I like Oprah because my mom liked Oprah.

[Chris Hoadley]

And, oh, I love Oprah.

[Brian Green]

I love Oprah because my mom, ballsy a woman as she is, decided to do the following. Let me tell you the story. It is. There is a famous period of time with the Oprah Winfrey show when Oprah was everything. Oprah was everything. In the 90s, everything. And they used to run these commercials. And here was the tagline. It was like a promo commercial for Oprah. And they'd be showing clips of her show and there'd be a little Diddy in the background. And that did. He was. Oprah's on, Gotta make it. Cause Oprah's on. Oprah's on, Gotta make it. Cause Oprah's on, right? So the thing was, everybody was saying, oh, Oprah's on. We gotta go watch Oprah. So my mom picked us up from school one time, three o'clock. That carpool was no joke. Sometimes you get stuck there till 3:15, 3:30, just waiting for your kids to get to your car was a totally shit of a process like it is now with my kids. It's like, holy, this is so inefficient. Why do we do it this way? But anyway, that's not for me to decide. That's for me to suffer through. I'm not going to decide things I'm going to suffer through. So my mom picks us up, swear to God, driving through my neighborhood. And there are a number of stop signs, but we're in this neighborhood that no cop has ever visited for any reason besides maybe some drama that happened inside the neighborhood. Cops don't sit there and clock people. It's a neighborhood, like a private neighborhood. Well, my mom blows through a stop sign, and when the cop pulls her over, my mom is so agitated that she tells the police officer, can you hurry up? Oprah's on. Oprah's on. My mom had to make it to see Oprah. She's willing to kill her kids.

[Chris Hoadley]

Did he speed things up?

[Brian Green]

He did not speed things up. In fact, I think he slowed them down.

[Chris Hoadley]

I didn't say so.

[Brian Green]

Yes, because that's the way it works. It's not a great excuse, but my mom had been watching Oprah since we were kids in Chicago when she had a non syndicated show when it was just broadcast locally. And it was a different type of show back then. But I just remember my mom would cry at the Oprah show. She would laugh at the Oprah. It was like Oprah was her best friend. And so for me, as a little child, as a toddler and a little kid, watching this auntie Oprah, she was what?

[Chris Hoadley]

Auntie.

[Brian Green]

Auntie Oprah. That's. That's what it felt like. Yes. It felt like I had an extra aunt and her name was Oprah and Oprah was omnipresent in our lives. And whatever Oprah said went. So I have an affinity for Oprah. It doesn't mean that, you know, Oprah's done all the wonderful, most wonderful things in the world, including hoarding land in Hawaii. But okay, let's get past that. She dropped the holy shit bomb on us twice. Not once, but twice with Dr. Phil and then Dr. Oz. God damn it. Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz, Oprah, really?

[Chris Hoadley]

Dr. Phil, well, they morphed into people that were not who they portrayed themselves to be in the beginning, I think.

[Brian Green]

And I didn't see the Oprah Winfrey Network running from that. Do you know what I'm saying? They collected that cash. That's what. That's all I gotta say. I didn't see her running from that Dr. Phil. Listen, at first, Dr. Phil.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, yeah, straight talk, straight talk.

[Brian Green]

Dr. Phil. You know, my husband's cheating on my wife's cheating on my uncle, cheating on my brother. And he'd be like, this is Going to be a changed day in your life. Do you think you should be sticking your dick in your mother? No. That's right. You shouldn't be sticking your dick in your mother. Let's, let's, let's talk turkey here, guys and girls. We shouldn't be sticking dicks in our mothers. You understand? You agree with me and everybody be like, oh, finally someone said it. You shouldn't have sex with your mother. And it was Dr. Phil. And we were all like, Dr. Phil. It was straight talk when it's needed. That's right. But then it turned into like, catch me outside, girl. Like, you know what? I was like, catch me outside. He was doing. He was. It was straight up.

[Chris Hoadley]

As we know, content is hard to consistently keep up with. And I think, you know, they all kind of turn the way of the, of the crazy Jerry Springer show.

[Brian Green]

That's right, they devolve. And if you've watched the Jerry Springer Netflix documentary, which is very good, by the way, and you'll see how quickly that happened because guess what? That's where the ratings are. We love a train wreck. And to me, Dr. Phil, toward the end, a lot of it was just like poverty porn, if I'm being honest. It was just bringing on a lot of people who didn't have a lot of money, were in tough situations that probably anybody any of us could find ourselves in, but they happen to be in it. And then exploiting that situation for ratings sometimes in three or four episodes. But Ryan Long does a pretty funny Dr. Phil.

[Chris Hoadley]

I will say that back to the.

[Brian Green]

Back to Ryan Long. Be funny. Hurry up. Be funny. Hurry up and be funny. I'll tell you what's not funny, Chrissy.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, puke.

[Brian Green]

Puke is not funny. I don't find puke to be funny. I hate puke.

[Chris Hoadley]

Who loves it?

[Brian Green]

Well, I mean, I don't think there's any. I don't know. There's got. There are puke lovers out there. There is a. There is a sexual fetish.

[Chris Hoadley]

No.

[Brian Green]

Yes. I'm not even kidding. Not even joking.

[Chris Hoadley]

I cannot believe you put that in my mind.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, well, hey, listen, I'm not putting it in your vagina. I'm just putting it in your mind. There's a sexual fetish out there for people who puke. They like to be puked on. That's a thing. I don't know. I know. I absolutely hoard. We all went to school and every school had that bag of orange flavored sawdust that they would throw on puke that did nothing but make the puke smell like orange flavored puke.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, that's it. A whiff of that.

[Brian Green]

Oh yeah, I still smell it to this day. As a matter of fact, I went into my kids school the other day and there was a pile of that orange present. Yeah, they still use the same shit to suck up the puke.

[Chris Hoadley]

Can't they use Oxiclean or something?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Isn't there like something like a puke machine? Don't they have like a puke robot that comes and like, you know, I will now clean up your puke, you know, or something? There should be.

[Chris Hoadley]

We need to invent that.

[Brian Green]

Boston Dynamics needs to invent. Screw all that soldier bullshit. Invent a robot that goes and cleans up puke on your behalf without making it smell like orange deodorant. Puke.

[Chris Hoadley]

Do you know there's gotta be somehow, you know, like a carpet, like the Bissell steam, you know, green. Green thing that you can use. There's gotta be something. And it just like combine a Roomba and a steam cleaner.

[Brian Green]

Yes. It's got a big mouth on the bottom of it, like a fish mouth. And it just. Yeah, it just sucks up the puke. It puts it in a bag, like a sanitary bag, and then it drives it to a far off location and puts it on a rocket and sends outer space. Yeah, it explodes. That's right. Because puke and shit. I mean, if you know me, if you listen to the show, then you will know that I just have a real problem with pee, pee, poo, poo and puke. It's like bodily fluids are not my thing at all.

[Chris Hoadley]

And then you had 30 kids, and.

[Brian Green]

Then I had 30 kids. And now they're all. It's coming out of every direction. It really is. It was a couple years ago when two of my kids got sick at the exact same moment. And Astrid happened to be out with her friends that night and they got sick at the exact same moment. One sat up out of bed, like shot up like something out of the Exorcist and just started projectile vomiting. And then when the. Then the other one who was in the same bed rolled over and started vomiting over the side of the bed within seconds of each other. It was insane. And so here I am, carrying both kids, running into the bathroom, disrobing them, putting them in the shower. Well, that was a couple years ago. And then we had the projectile vomiting incident on the way home from my dad's house one time where the entire car was full of puke. I mean, my kid could not stop throwing up. And it was projectile and it was gross. Well, the other night, as I do, Chrissy, I was taking my third shower of the day. That's my wrap up shower. My wrap up shower for the night. Try and relieve some of my high blood pressure. I stand in the shower for 30 to 40 minutes, catching up on whatever television I haven't had an opportunity to watch yet. So I'm taking a shower. It's 11:00, 11:30 at night, and the door is closed. The door to my bedroom, the bathroom is closed. And I hear the most ungodly bang. Like boom. Just a crashing sound. And I was, holy shit, what was that? Because everybody was asleep. And then as soon as I scream, what was that? Astrid comes popping through the door like a fucking Kool Aid man, you know. Crashing through the door?

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

With one of my youngest kids holding her, facing forward, arms outstretched. And all I can see is just puke just pouring out of this child's mouth. And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's on the glass of the shower, it's splashing on the floor. And I say, give her to me, give her to me. Why I said that, I have no idea. But I just thought I was trying to be helpful. Yeah, I didn't think she would actually do it. She gives her to me fully clothed. I'm in the shower completely naked, and now I've got this kid that's puking all over the place in my hands, fully clothed now, sopping wet. So I undress her real quick in the shower. I put the clothes off to the side in the shower and I throw her up over the top of my shoulder and I'm just like rocking her back and forth like, oh, it's okay, it's okay, you know? And she's crying and she's upset because this is like one of the first times I think she's actually puked as a toddler. And the warm water's running on top of us. I'm like, the warm water will calm her down. And then I can just feel it, Chrissy. I can just feel the warm, silky smooth flavors of macaroni and cheese and birthday cake running the back of my body. And I look over my shoulder and she's just like all over my back. It's just dripping into the shower. I'm in a mess now and I don't know what to do. How will I get out? What will I do? Do I throw the child over the shower glass and hope that they Land on their feet? Do I scream like I'm. This is now a choose your own adventure in my mind. Do I call Astrid and beg her to take this puking baby out of my hands or do I just man up, let her puke on me, clean her up when she gets done and hope that everything turns out okay? Well, I would have yelled to Astrid, but Astrid was cleaning the puke from the bed. Like, you know, waking all the kids up and taking them off the beds and, you know, cleaning the puke. She had puked all throughout the whole bedroom. It was just. It was disgusting. It was awful. The worst part about it was it had that smell. You know, sometimes you puke and it's got a smell, but it's not that bad. And then sometimes you puke and it smells like it's been ruminating for a couple of days. Do you know what I'm saying? That distinct throw up smell. And this was that. And this was that. It was. So now I'm full of it. She's full of it. The clothes are in the corner. There's puke all over the shower floor. What do I do? Well, I just decide to man up and let it happen.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, you have to.

[Brian Green]

Okay.

[Chris Hoadley]

You know, you can't get in. You can't risk getting another area of the bathroom pukey.

[Brian Green]

Well, that's the thing, is that might.

[Chris Hoadley]

As well just let it all happen in the one place. And you're in the shower and I'm in the shower. So it's running down.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it's running down into the drain, which.

[Chris Hoadley]

Clean that up later.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, clean that up later. Well, I unscrewed the drain and I just like, you know, let it wash down. Listen, whatever. It's going to the same place, right? It's going to the same place as the toilet water. What do I give a shit? At the end of the day. And it wasn't. My kid is small, relatively. So it wasn't like huge volumes of throw up. It wasn't like I just had 13 Bud lights and threw up all over the floor. So I just let it happen. And then I rock her in my arms for like 20 minutes while Astrid is cleaning up the thing. I mean, the shower is just going. And I'm there with the thought that someone has just thrown up on me. And I'm in the shower and I can't tell you the pins and needles running up and down my back and my arm, you know, that like, feeling like, oh, get it off me, get it off me. And I know it's off me because I've been sitting in the shower for 20 minutes, but I can't get rid of the thought that someone had thrown up on me.

[Chris Hoadley]

Well, it's not a stranger. It's your child.

[Brian Green]

Well, she's a stranger when she's throwing up. That's not my child. That's some demon child. That's some demon animal that's throwing fire out of her mouth. She might as well be a boat. Like a, like a live Eboli virus as far as I'm concerned. It was disgusting. And that was my thought too, is like, what if she has a virus? You know that awful 24 hour stomach bug that you get and it just like you where your body.

[Chris Hoadley]

We both had that six months ago or so at different times and in different households.

[Brian Green]

It feels like August or October of last year, like sometime in the late summertime.

[Chris Hoadley]

I was surprised. I mean, you rarely as an adult get that. Rarely, you know, but when it is just, ugh, I hate to throw up. I hate it to begin with. And then when it's uncontrollable and you're just, oh, you're laying down and then getting back up and laying down, getting back up when you are being like there's nothing left.

[Brian Green]

There wasn't anything left. But I continued to go. Yeah, I continued to go in retch. And that's the worst part is I'd almost rather have something in there than wretch that bile. That green fucking bile. Yeah. But luckily this was not that, so to speak. This was, I think, a combination of foods. Like we went to a birthday party. There was ice cream and cake and.

[Chris Hoadley]

Cookies and Doritos birthday party.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And you just let them do it, you know, running, running, jumping, bouncing. Oh, it was at a. It was at a trampoline park too. There you go. So there you go bouncing up and down.

[Chris Hoadley]

That was it.

[Brian Green]

And of course dad's always spinning the kids around for some reason, you know, throwing them on the bed and that's my type of play with them. I just pick them up and throw them on the bed. Hey, there you go.

[Chris Hoadley]

It is fun.

[Brian Green]

But that, that. So this was not a virus related thing. I think it was just a tummy ache type of thing. But man, I'll tell you what, and I am so glad it wasn't because all I could think about laying down that night was please don't wake up in the middle of the night like I did six months ago.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

That was the time the kids, the kid, one of our Children was puking in the car and it. Oh, it was July because it was one of my kids birthdays and the next birthday was just a couple of days later and we missed any activities for that birthday. Yes, because we were so incredibly sick. Astrid and I got it almost within 12 hours of each other. And we were hugging the porcelain, I mean, just like begging for mercy and the kids wouldn't like. And then the kids got better and Astrid and I were still sick.

[Chris Hoadley]

Still sick. I remember that.

[Brian Green]

You're like, oh my God. I was like, go to McDonald's, buy all the Happy Meals you can get to buy the movies. Even though I don't care how little money we have. Just send them to Six Flags, get a babysitter, put them on a bus, send them to Mar down Marta to the big. Send them to the airport and back. I don't care. It doesn't matter. All reasoning goes when you're that sick, you don't give a shit. You just want your children to leave you the fuck alone. Please.

[Roman Rakhmanov]

Please.

[Brian Green]

But no. There's no rest for the wicked. Those kids don't stop. As a matter of fact, the worse off you are, the more irritating they get because they understand. They have an inherent sixth sense. They know you're sick and they won't leave you alone.

[Chris Hoadley]

It's like being on the phone too.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Chris Hoadley]

You know you've got an important phone call.

[Brian Green]

Daddy? Yes. The one time as a parent I've been hungover was the worst parenting day ever. Not only because I was hungover, but because they knew it. They had an instinct like the cat. They have like cat like reflexes. And they jump on you and they pounce and then I hey, Daddy. And you're like, my brain's about to bleed. Oh really? Peppa Pig is on. Can I turn on Peppa Pig on volume 50? Yeah, sure. Okay, no problem. I guess. Yeah. It's 6:15 in the morning. Time to wake up. Daddy just got home at three. I know. Welcome to Baron, dude. Daddy. Oh, excuse me while I vomit on you. Oh, it was terrible.

[Chris Hoadley]

Maybe there needs to be like one of those children's shows that's educational and you know, where they mimic hungover parents and what to do, what the child should be doing, which is be very quiet.

[Brian Green]

Be very quiet.

[Chris Hoadley]

You know, make up a little song. A little Parents Are Hungover song.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Is Bluey, Is Bluey gonna, Bluey gonna do an episode on Hungover Mommy and Daddy?

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, they should.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. In that movie. We need to put a section of that movie. Dedicated to hungover. They haven't dealt with hungover yet, but could see Bluey and Bandit doing this really well. And you're right about this. Sesame street needs to do an episode on mommy and Daddy being hungover.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yes. Or sick.

[Brian Green]

Or sick.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. You know, either way, same thing. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So the mommy and daddy can get back to drinking. Listen, I have lots of. I have one friend in particular who did this. The entirety of growing, raising his children, but he had a wife that always took care of the children. Do you know what I'm saying? He always had an out. He had a card. He would always say, I gotta go to work, baby. I gotta brainstorm about my work. I gotta. I gotta do a brainstorming sesh. Which meant five days worth of cocaine and two bottles of whiskey an hour and cigarettes and all kind of things. And he would always call me and he'd be like, bro, I gotta do a brainstorming sesh. And one time I caught him out on my porch at like 5:30 in the morning. Sun's just coming right up, and he's out there on his computer, cigarettes, like five cigarettes in his mouth. You know, lines cut on a mirror. I solved the key. I solved the key to all the things that I need. And then he slept for two days.

[Chris Hoadley]

Right?

[Brian Green]

He slept for two days.

[Chris Hoadley]

And.

[Brian Green]

Well, that's how it works. All right, I got lots more to talk about. We'll be back.

[Rachel]

Hey, it's Rachel, your new voice of God here on tcb. And just like you, I'm wondering just how much longer this podcast can continue. Let's all rejoice that another episode has made it to your ears. And I'll rejoice that my check is in the mail. Speaking of mail, get your free TCB sticker in the mail by going to tcbpodcast.com and visiting the Contact Us page. You can also find the entire commercial break library audio and video, just in case you want to look at [e-mail] Want your voice to be on an episode of the show? Leave us a message at 212-4333, TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Tell us how much you love us and we'll be sure to let the world know on a future episode. Or you could make fun of us. That'd be fine, too. We might not air that, but maybe. Oh, and if you're shy, that's okay. Just send a text, we'll respond. Now I'm gonna go check the Mailbox for payment while you check out our sponsors and then we'll return to this episode of the commercial break.

[Brian Green]

This podcast is brought to you in part by our good friends at Squarespace. I love talking about Squarespace because it's one of the tools that we use in our own business. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just getting started or you're managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create beautiful websites, engage your audience and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on your own terms. As a lifelong, sometimes successful entrepreneur, Squarespace has grown with me. Using Squarespace, I've been able to launch multiple websites and even build a business around launching Squarespace websites because they make it easy, it looks super professional and it gives you all of the tools that you need to be successful online. Let me give you a couple examples of those tools. One of our favorites is the new design intelligence from Squarespace. Combining two decades of industry leading design expertise with cutting edge AI technology, you can unlock your creative potential. This helps you personalize a website unique to your needs. What about creators like me who want to sell content? Squarespace makes it easy to sell access to content on your website, courses, blogs, videos, podcasts and membership that reoccurring revenue everybody is looking for. So your clients can get access to your content for one time fees or subscriptions. And then you're definitely going to need a way to take the payments. Squarespace Payments is the easiest way to manage your payments and not get lost in a sea of coding. The onboarding is fast and simple. You can get started in just a few clicks. Clicks and pretty soon you'll be receiving payments. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to Launch, go to squarespace.com commercial and you'll save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. That's squarespace.com commercial and you'll get 10% off that first purchase of a website or a domain. And thanks to Squarespace for being a continuing sponsor of our small business business. And the commercial break. Hey you out there in the podcast universe. I'm dropping in to share with you a podcast that I am currently enjoying. I only agree to this a couple times a year because let's face it, I really want all the attention on me and my show. But Odyssey, our network has dropped a true gem. All right, some free word association here. Young adults looking to have the time of their life billions of dollars in free flowing revenue, secret administrators who will do anything to avoid bad press and cover ups with end twists and turns. Put them all together, mix them up and you've got the wild universe of college campus life. And now the Odyssey Original podcast Campus Files takes a deep dive into some of the wildest scandals that have taken place within colleges and universities across this country. While these universities are attracting some of America's brightest minds, some of the most absurd things are happening there. The rigged admissions, the sports scandals, and of course, a good Greek life drama. Who doesn't enjoy a good Greek life drama? The Campus Files podcast is exposing the stories you will not hear on the campus tours. Listen and Follow Campus Files an Odyssey Original podcast available now on the free Odysee app or wherever you're listening to podcasts and thanks to Audacy for supporting good content and great content creators.

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[Brian Green]

All right. And we're back. You know Chrissy, I'm always looking out for the listener. I'm always thinking about the listener. I like to think that I'm selflessly thinking about the listener as I'm trolling around Bikini Pictures and making sure that they're the world of Instagram is nipple list. But sometimes I come across a trend that I think is important for some of our listeners to know. And you know, I think we have a few single listeners out there I hear from. Every once in a while I get a text message or an email and just by the nature of the email you can tell that they're single or they should be single.

[Chris Hoadley]

Or there's a.

[Brian Green]

Reason there's there or there's a reason they're single. There's a trend on TikTok and Instagram going on right now. Now, there's a girl who has taught everybody something called the sticky eyes. Have you heard about the sticky eyes?

[Chris Hoadley]

I have not.

[Brian Green]

Okay, let me. Let me let her explain in her own words. How's that? I'm going to put this up to the microphone because we don't have somebody to play this for, so. Okay, wait, hold on one second.

[Chris Hoadley]

Sticky eyes.

[Brian Green]

Sticky eyes. Okay, here we go.

[Zola Announcer]

This is one of my most powerful hacks. This is how to get anyone to come up to you in a bar or in a social setting. Setting. This is called sticky Eyes. I invented this in college. It is so powerful that usually while I'm demonstrating to someone how to do it, I end up just doing it, and I'm not even giving it my all.

[Brian Green]

First of all, this girl. There's no humility with this girl. I mean, she is. I invented this.

[Chris Hoadley]

I invented it.

[Brian Green]

You invented eyes? Did you invent eyes? Let's see what she has to say.

[Zola Announcer]

I'm going to tell you how the hack works, and then I'm going to tell you why it works. Okay? It's a simple formula. You pick your target. You stare at them until they look back at you. Once you make eye contact, you look away like you've been caught. Okay? Now here is the next very important part. The next time that you look at them and they meet your eyes again, don't look away. Let them break first because they're going to check to see if you were you really looking at me. And the second look will confirm that you were. And this time, you're gonna have to hold it uncomfortably long. They have to look away first for this to work. Once they look away, you never look at them again. And in about 45 seconds, they will be right in front of you as if they have been summoned psychically by you.

[Brian Green]

Okay, this sounds just as dumb as anything Michael Anthony has ever said.

[Chris Hoadley]

I was gonna say, I feel like that's a take on whoever we were listening to that said said just go up and stare at them.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Just, like, cornered them. Yeah. Put an arm up so they can't get away. I mean, this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Stare at them uncomfortably long and they'll come right to you. With a police officer, maybe. I mean, how many restraining orders do you have, young lady? This is weird. You don't just stare at somebody uncomfortably long. That is a weird notion that that would work.

[Chris Hoadley]

It was a two part. It was a two pronged. Approach.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. You first look away.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. Stare at them until they look at you, then quickly look away. Then looking at you. And then when they look back, then that's when you just stare. And then wait. It was actually a three pronged approach. Right.

[Brian Green]

Because then they will come right to you. No.

[Chris Hoadley]

Well, then you look away and then you never look again.

[Brian Green]

Don't ever look again throughout the entire relationship. Look down at your feet. So I noticed you staring at me. Nope, my shoes. Those are my feet. What the fuck?

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. Okay, so how is that even supposed to work? Then they just come up to you and say, doesn't work.

[Brian Green]

This girl for some reason thinks she's got some magic because she stared at a guy and he came to her. Yeah. Okay. Guys are pretty fucking dumb in general. You know what I'm saying? You give a guy any. Yeah, she's a pretty girl. I mean, she's attractive. You give. If you have that girl staring at you and you're at a bar and you're single.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Of course you're going to come hither. I mean, that's it. That's. That's the thing. Guys aren't. This is the thing, ladies. Guys are really not a riddle. We're not a mystery. In case you haven't figured it out yet. We're pretty open as. As far as books are concerned. We're pretty open books. If you give us any amount of positive attention or negative attention, it's likely we're going to come hither like a puppy dog if we're single. Because that's, that's just what we do. We don't. There's no magic to that. You could just go up to a guy and say, I think you're attractive. Come have a drink with me. And if a guy has half a head on his shoulders and he's single and available or in a relationship that's, you know, ethically non monogamous or whatever you're calling it these days. Then of course he's gonna come hang out with you.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Do you know how many times this same trick has worked on me? None. You wanna know why I didn't give a girl a chance to have the second stare. After the first stare, I was buying her a drink. That was it. Yeah. Look at me once. I was literally scanning the bar for anyone to look at me. And if you looked at me, you got a free Bud Light. That's what happened. You play the odds. You send over Bud Light no matter what. Just Bud Light. Bud Light, Bud Light. And if you don't like Bud Light. You're not for me. Then move on to the next one. That's it.

[Chris Hoadley]

I saw you in action. I saw this happen.

[Brian Green]

Was I in action? Boy, I would stare at the ladies.

[Chris Hoadley]

Hey, hey, hey. It was usually the bartender.

[Brian Green]

It was usually the bartender who was uncomfortable, who'd asked to change shifts. She'd be texting somebody. She'd be like, can you cover my shift? Brian's back. The guy who stares. Yeah, yeah, that guy who stares. This is not a good idea. I don't know why this is so complicated. Be yourself. Do your thing. Don't be a fucking creep ball. Don't be staring at people endlessly until you try and make that, like, zoom them in with your magical power. Just go and have a conversation with somebody, and if it. If it works, if there's magic, you'll know it. And if there's no magic, you'll know that too. And if there's magic that you're feeling and she's not or he's not, well, you'll figure that one out eventually. That one will come to you eventually.

[Chris Hoadley]

Well, you know, everybody's looking for a hack quote, unquote, too. And that's a lot. I see a lot of this.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Chris Hoadley]

Could be anything. Cleaning hack, cooking hack, dating hack. We've hacked it.

[Brian Green]

We've hacked it. We've done it.

[Chris Hoadley]

It's the. That most of the time, there's no hack.

[Brian Green]

It's not a hack. There's no hack. Yeah, I've seen all the cooking and cleaning hacks, you know? You know, how do you clean a dead body out of your basement? Doesn't work. Tried it. How do you make a million dollars? Podcasting. Tried it. Doesn't work.

[Chris Hoadley]

Money hack.

[Brian Green]

Money hack. Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

Investing hack.

[Brian Green]

Investment hacks. Listen, if there was a secret that you could use some magic power, and on occasion, I will admit, on occasion, a hack works.

[Chris Hoadley]

On occasion.

[Brian Green]

And it's us. Something your grandma was doing way back when.

[IXL Learning Announcer]

Exactly.

[Chris Hoadley]

Like how to clean the microwave out.

[Brian Green]

With steam in, like, some weird tribal writing in a cave. It's been lost for a generation, but now we found it again.

[Chris Hoadley]

That's so true.

[Brian Green]

Like, lemon and vinegar really does clean. Yeah. Okay. Noemi taught us that one. And we're still surprised that vinegar's cleaning the house better than any, you know, industrial lubricant of cleaning solution we've ever used. Here's the reality, and I think this is. You know, I had an idea for a segment that we could do that named We Did It. So you don't have to. Yeah, like, take a life hack, do it here, see if it works, and then we'll all really do the test. If I have been fooled once by the Rubik's Cube hack videos, I've been fooled a million times by them. Do you know these videos that go around? You can solve any Rubik's Cube by twisting it three times this way, four times that way, seven times this way. Way. Chrissy, I've spent hours in that kitchen dissecting those videos. I must be doing something wrong. I must be doing something wrong. And then I go to the comments section and it's like, yeah, that works. If you take an already completed Rubik's Cube and do that in reverse and start there.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So every one of them's fake. Every one of them's a lie. There is no hack for the Rubik's Cube. You just. I mean, there are tricks to get it done quicker, but you just have to know how to solve a Rubik's Cube, which unfortunately, my pee brain wasn't able to do in my best of years. It's not going to be able to do in my worst of years. Okay, I'm on the downslide. I'm not going to be able to complete a Rubik's Cube. I don't care. I'm throwing it out. There's no hack to finding love. There is no hack to relationships. It's about meeting someone with mutual respect, trust and admiration and trying your best on a daily basis to keep. Keep it par. To keep that par. Trust, Respect, admiration. That's it. That's. That's the hack. The hack is be a good partner. If you're a good partner, you'll have a good partner. It really is pretty simple. I've tried all the relationship hacks, dating people who are a little off kilter because they're really good in bed. But you'll make it work. Don't worry about it. No, doesn't work. Date your best friend. No, doesn't work. I. I don't know. Pay for sex. Still didn't work. I paid for it and I didn't get it. I paid for it.

[Chris Hoadley]

The two girls with the, you know, the. The menageri. Trois that you were in.

[Brian Green]

Menage Trois.

[Chris Hoadley]

They kicked you out.

[Brian Green]

They kicked me out of the bedroom. I was the only one left without an orgasm and I had no involvement in the other orgasms. So there you go. Wasn't fun. Okay. There's no magic secret. There's no hack to relationships.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. Communication.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Chris Hoadley]

Respect. Love. Trust.

[Brian Green]

Trust. Admiration. Yeah, yeah. All those things that you hear about that are so hard to do.

[Chris Hoadley]

That's the hack.

[Brian Green]

That's the hack. Do the hard work. You gotta get it right. Yes. Listen, Astrid and I, as of yesterday, have known each other face to face. The first time we met, face to face, 10 years ago.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, congratulations.

[Brian Green]

Thank you very much. So We've been over 10 years talking to each other, and people will ask. And when I say people, I mean dignitaries and presidents around the world, prime ministers. They will ask Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil. How do you do it, Brian? How do you. How do you have a relationship with so little friction? Well, first of all, be a podcaster who spends most of his time. Let me tell you, let me. Like, funny side note, at the beginning of this podcast, if you listen to it, you will be reminded that Brian would often come in and I think I'm one step from divorce because I'm spending so much time on the podcast. Last night, Astrid encouraged me to spend more time with the podcast.

[Chris Hoadley]

Don't you have some work to do?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, well, she's like, oh, we can get rid of that. We don't need that. You can do the work. Right. And I'm like, that means more time in the studio. It'll be okay for a period of time.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I like my shows by myself. Now.

[Chris Hoadley]

I know I have to say I'm on Astrid's page because, you know, Jeff works long hours. He does work from home, you know, so a lot of times he's gone to Memphis, but he works from. And I have morphed. I used to get so upset, like, well, what about, let's eat. It's time. I've cooked this dinner. It's time to eat. I want to watch this show. Blah, blah, blah. Now I am like, just do your thing.

[Brian Green]

Just do your thing. I like it by myself. Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

I want to watch Love is Blind. And, you know, I'll call you when dinner's ready. And you can eat or not.

[Brian Green]

Yes, I'm eating.

[Chris Hoadley]

Whether you're not, whether you're ready or.

[Brian Green]

Not, whether you want to eat or not.

[Chris Hoadley]

You can go back to work after that.

[Brian Green]

Feel free.

[Chris Hoadley]

In fact, I get another episode of Love is Blind.

[Brian Green]

There you go. See, here's the thing that I've learned about relationships. The ebb and flow, like every other thing, right? Like friendships, every relationship in life, business, friendship, whatever. It. There's usually some kind of ebb and flow.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

At first, you can't get enough of each other. Then you're mad because you aren't getting enough of each other. And then you learn that I've had enough of you.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yes, it's okay.

[Brian Green]

Then you learn, I've in fact had.

[Chris Hoadley]

Enough of it, you know, rather than, hey, and you know what? The work that you're doing on the podcast is good for the whole family. Same with Jeff.

[Brian Green]

That's it.

[Chris Hoadley]

And it makes him happy. Makes you happy. The work that you're doing.

[Brian Green]

And then.

[Chris Hoadley]

And that's what you want for your partner.

[Brian Green]

So it makes me happy, but it's. It gives me purpose. Let's put it that way. We laugh. We do laugh. That's it. And, and so relationship, you know, how do you make a relationship last for 10 years? I can count on the, on one hand, the amount of, of blowouts that Astrid and I have had. And those blowouts were compared to some other relationships I have. Those were like a conversation on a Tuesday afternoon.

[Chris Hoadley]

Right?

[Brian Green]

That was a good day for some of the relationships that I had because the blowouts last very little time. Because we have a mutual respect and trust and admiration for each other. And we know, we just, we kind of understand how each other ticks.

[Chris Hoadley]

Throw a little dash of humor into it, too.

[Brian Green]

That's it.

[Chris Hoadley]

Laugh at yourself.

[Brian Green]

Laugh at yourself.

[Chris Hoadley]

Laugh at them.

[Brian Green]

Laugh at your small penis and your inability to give the other person an orgasm. Laugh at that stuff. That's funny to you? That's funny. That's funny, babe. Look, it's been 10 years. No orgasms. Isn't that funny? Call Guinness Book of World. Call it Guinness Book of world records. 10 year relationship, zero orgasms. We'll get there. We're working on it, babe. We're working on it.

[Chris Hoadley]

It's a marathon.

[Brian Green]

To which she says, I'll be in the bedroom. Go back to your studio. I'll be working on my orgasm while you work on your shit. Whatever that is you're doing in there. Listen, this is not complicated. Sticky Guys doesn't work. Because it worked for this young girl who is attractive and probably at a bar in college. Yeah, at a bar in college. Come on. The bar in college. You could literally. I mean, I hate to tell this story, but I'm going to tell it because, you know, why not? I've already told every story. When Chrissy and I worked at Clear Channel, there was a guy that sat in the office next to me and he was a huge Clemson fan because he went to Clemson. Clemson, Clemson, Clemson. Everything's about Clemson. Clamson. Chrissy, you see the Clamson game I.

[Chris Hoadley]

Want to say his name.

[Brian Green]

Said, well, yeah, I want to say his name because it's a. If I said the name and then I did the voice, it would make perfect sense. But he was married, he had kids. He just sounded funny, right? But we loved him. He was a great guy.

[Chris Hoadley]

He was, yeah.

[Brian Green]

But he'd be like, hey, Brian, you ever been to a Clemson game? And I'd be like, a Clemson game? Now I've been to a Clemson game. I very rarely stepped foot on a college campus, if I'm being honest. Honest. And he'd be like, gotta take you to a Clemson game. You love a Clemson game. The Clemson games are so much fun. And so after a year of haggling me and after a divorce and you know, being beat up at Clear Channel every day, seven days a week, your projections are up, your projections are down. How many projections do you have? Give me more projections. You know, meetings every morning at 7 in the morning. Even know. I finally, I relented. I said, well, I, I, you know, because he kept on saying, you gotta come to Clemson game. I take the kids. And we set up the thing and we got a nice place and you love it. It's Clampson. And I'm like, oh, it's a beautiful campus and it's a party and I got my own spot and I paid for it and it's over near campus. And I'm like, I don't know what anything you're talking about. And it doesn't sound like a ton of fun to go to a Clemson game with your family. He had two young kids at the time.

[Chris Hoadley]

I didn't have any tailgating, do all that.

[Brian Green]

Tailgating, the whole thing. But I like the guy, he's a friend of mine and he, and he was good to me and I think I was a friend to him. And so after a year of the non stop talk about Clemson, I said, all right, I'll go to a Clint. Well, you got to go to homecoming with me. Homecoming is going to be so much fun. And I was like, okay. He's like, I don't have a ticket for you, but you can jump over the turnstile. And I'm like, jump over the turnstile? What am I, 12? I got to jump over the turnstile? Am I a hooligan looking to get in a real Madrid match like this? What am I doing here, right? So Saturday afternoon arrives. He's gonna, I'm gonna meet him at his house and we're gonna all drive over to Clemson, which is like a two hour drive from Atlanta. And this is all going to make sense when I tell you the rest of the story after the break. We'll be back.

[Rachel]

Let me do something Brian has never done. Be brief. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break. Text her. Call us 212-4333, TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Visit our website tcbpodcast.com for all the audio, video and your free sticker. Then watch all the [e-mail] thecommercialbreak and finally share the show. It's the best gift you could give a few aging podcasters. See, Brian, that really wasn't that difficult now was it? You're welcome.

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[Bumble Announcer]

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[Brian Green]

Okay. Chrissy and I were talking about a trend on a reel that's trending on Instagram and TikTok a hack. How to get someone to come hither at a college bar by staring at them until they get uncomfortable and finally come your way and approach you with a security officer. We were talking about that and we were explaining, you know, how that's probably not the solution for a relationship. And then Chrissy said, plus at a college bar. I mean, yeah, a college bar where everybody is smashed and looking for a one night stand basically. Not everybody, but most people. I mean we've all been to a college bar. We know what happens at a college bar. Everybody gets drunk and laid. That's what happens at a college bar bar. So I was explaining that in my 30s I have, in my early 30s I have this guy who, who's working at the office next to me and he is gone to Clemson. He's a Clemson guy. He's got a, he's got, he's got a Clemson tailgate spot that he pays for every year season tickets. He's been begging me to go to a game for over a year. So finally I say yes. I show up at his house. He's already pregaming it. Wife's going to be, wife's pregnant by the way. She's going to be driving the car. Two small kids already. We're going into like a minivan or something. And I'm like, yeah. And so I just cracked the Bud Lights immediately. Like this game by the way, is at 3:00pm so we're like, it's like 11:00 in the morning. We're heading out there and, and he's like, this is gonna be the greatest thing ever. You never seen a Clampson gang? Clampson's gonna, you're gonna love it. It's awesome. And I'm like, okay, great. We're going to Clemson gate. We get there, two hour drive. We have roadies, you know, we're like, drink, the kids are in the car and we're like pouring Bud lights into these plastic cups and drinking on the way to the Clemson, Clemson game. And I swear to God, Clemson flags the entire way up there. Everybody's doing the same thing. Everyone's heading to Clemson. It's like a big exodus from Atlanta to Clemson. And we go and we park in the trees right under the. In the shadow of the stadium. You know, it's. It's pretty impressive, right? I've never been to a college football game at that point in my life. Never. So I'm, I'm, you know, okay. I'm getting excited. I'm like, all right. So he pops open the back. There's a bunch of people that are parked around us in this plot of grass. And everybody knows everybody. Hi. What you doing? Hey, hey, hey. Clampson.

[Rachel]

Where?

[Brian Green]

It's Clemson. Homecoming, homecoming. Clamps and you know, Clemson, Clamps, Clemson. And everybody's dressed in that damn orange and this fucking sun visors and sunglasses hanging around their neck. You know, the, the typical Clemson wear. Well, across the way, across the street is sorority and fraternity row. The row. And I mean one long street. So mainly sorority houses on this end of the street where we are. And then at the end of that street, gas station, couple of bars. So before the game, I am out of cigarettes right before the game, and I'm like, okay. And he goes, well, you just got to run down the gas station down there at the corner, which is like a quarter of a mile. So I go, I cross the street. I'm walking in front of these sorority houses. Party and every. Party everywhere, right? Party everywhere. So I've got a roadie in my hand. I'm now like six, seven Bud lights in. And I don't really make it to the gas station in the most direct way. I kind of walk through the grass, I pick up a, you know, I get. I pour myself a beer from the gang. I'm just enjoying myself. I'm walking in, I'm talking to people.

[Chris Hoadley]

College.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

I'm getting experience.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I didn't go to college, so now I'm getting the college experience, hanging out with the sorority and fraternity guys. And by the way, I wasn't the only 30 year old doing that. There was like, lots of people just like partying everywhere.

[Chris Hoadley]

Especially if it's homecoming. There's a bunch of alumni coming back for that.

[Brian Green]

So there were two bars at the end of the street, like the strip mall. It was a Mexican restaurant. It was a bar. And then it was like a bar bar and then a gas station. So I walk in the front door of the Mexican restaurant, I order a Bud Light. There are a ton of kids in this place, just all drinking, male, female, everything. And There is a young lady sitting at the bar when I order the drink. Drink. And she's staring at me. And I'm like, hey, what you doing? And she's like. She's like, getting ready for homecoming. This is crazy, isn't it? And I'm like, yeah. And she goes, you are handsome. And I was like, oh, well, thank you. And she's like, meet me here after the game. That's what she says to me. And I take that Bud Light and I pound it, knowing that I gotta get back and jump the turnstile. Cause I don't have a ticket, right? And I don't think much of it. I have no idea how old this girl is. I'm guessing in her 20s, you know, like mid-20s. But I don't really know. I mean, they don't ask for an id, right? She's looks adult, but she doesn't look like, you know, she's not 40. And I go. And I grab my cigarettes and I go back and so now I have to jump the turnstile of the. The Clemson thing. This guy, you know what he did? He's like, I'm gonna take the ticket, and then I'm gonna get the ticket stub. Because they only check the ticket stubs. And then you run to the opposite side of the stadium, and then I'm gonna give you the ticket stub. Cause I'm uncomfortable about actually jumping. I'm like, I'm an adult. Why don't I just buy a ticket? He's like, there ain't no more tickets left. It's Clampson. And I'm like, okay. I don't fucking know. By the way, this is long before Clemson was good at football. Like, good at football. This last time, they were good at football. They weren't that good at this point, at this point in time. But I'm like. I don't want to just join the. Like, it's. It's a big area. You walk into these gates and then there are ticket takers, right? But if you're sneaky enough, you can kind of like sneak in behind someone and just head for the hills, right? Just dart, I guess. I don't know. But I'm not a ticket jumper. Like, that's not what I'm going to do. So he's trying to explain to me how he's gonna throw me the ticket stub from the balcony. And then I'm gonna catch it in the trees. And then I'm gonna walk back in and say I left. And whatever. I'm like, no, okay, I'm fine. I'll. I'll jump the turnstile. I'll do that. Well, everyone's walking in, and I'm going in behind him. And then he's, like, making this ruckus about his tickets. Like, he drops his ticket. You know, he's trying to create a distraction. And I, like, sneak in sideways, and as I'm moving to the side, what do I run into? A security guard. And he's like, ticket. And I'm like, I. He has my tickets. And then this guy is just, like, counting them twice. He's like, 1, 2, 3. And then he's like, putting behind 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. Yes. Sleight of hand. And the security guard is like, you don't have enough tickets. And he's like, I thought I had seven. I don't know what happened. And he's like, go. He just says, go, right?

[Chris Hoadley]

And I'm like, okay, this isn't the first time.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, this isn't the first time, and it's not the last time. Apparently, this happens a lot. We go. We watch the game. Well, the thing that sucks about the game is that there's no alcohol served at the game at this time. There's no booze served at the game.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, that's still a thing.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. So I'm coming down. I'm like, fuck this. Like, you know. Okay.

[Chris Hoadley]

I mean, day drinking only works if you keep drinking.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And they're playing, like, West Kentucky Tech. You know what I'm saying? It's a homecoming game. It's an Easy School. It's 40 to zero by the time it's. The first quarter is over. So I'm like, whatever. Halfway over, halfway through the game, I'm like, I'm going to go back to the. And everybody agrees. Let's just go back to the car and we'll start drinking. And by the way, the stadium is half empty at this point. Like, nobody's there. Everyone wants to get back to partying. So we start drinking again. And within an hour, I've picked up right where I left off. My buzz is good. And ding, the light bulb goes off. Oh, I got to meet that girl at the bar. So what do I do? I walk back to the bar, and no fucking hairy shit. Is that girl there with her friends hanging out, and she's like, well, you know, hanging out, drinking. I'm, like, standing there trying to get her to notice me. Like, clearly she'll remember me. She has no fucking. Like, she's not even paying attention. She has no idea who I am. She's not doing the sticky eyes at all. She's doing the dirty eyes. Like, why is this guy staring at me? And so finally I walk up and I go, hey, can I buy you a drink? Remember me? And she goes, oh, not really. I was like, we met before the game. You told me to meet you here. And she's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. You know, I'll take it. Drink, drink. Two drinks, three drinks. Now I'm like 45 minutes in. And at some point, however it happened, whichever it happened, I'm not even sure because I do not have this kind of game. I am not John Anthony. I am not, you know, Adam the liar. But all of the sudden we are kissing, like, making out in the bar, kissing and making out. And then I realize I've been gone an hour and 15 minutes a.m. and my BlackBerry, I've like, missed like 12 text messages and phone calls because he's like, I gotta go. The kids gotta go to bed. You know, whatever. So I'm like, oh, well, listen, I gotta go, I'm sorry. She's like, oh, no, no, no, no. Let me give you my phone number and then call me and then, you know, next, you know, I live up in Anderson or whatever. She says, you know, I could come down to Atlanta, whatever. I'm like, okay, give me. Put it in my phone. Blah, blah, blah. I don't wait an hour before I text this girl. And what do I get? I get, this number doesn't exist. I get a total fuck you, the number doesn't exist. It's a totally fake phone number. It doesn't exist. There's nowhere for it to go. Text messages just bounce. My BBMs just bounce. That's it. BBM, if you remember that. The BBM just bounces. And I am lost in the. So here's my point. Staring at someone at a college bar is not a particularly. Like, I don't think it's an effective tactic. But then you don't even need it.

[Chris Hoadley]

You don't just go to a college.

[Brian Green]

Bar and hang out for long enough and a lovely guy or girl, whatever your favor is, is going to find you. Because that's what you're doing. You're all partying and having a good time, letting your hair hang out. It's the time of life when you just go and have fun and kiss strangers and drink, accept shots from people. I mean, be smart about it, right? Be smart about it. Always get consent, but have fun. Like you don't need tips and tricks and hacks. You just need to be yourself. You'll be okay. Unless you're a total asshole. And I know a few of those and you know, they're, they'll.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, then you should change.

[Brian Green]

Then you should change. Yeah, then you need therapy. Skip the college bar, go to the therapy.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, the hack is therapy, yes, but.

[Brian Green]

There is no hack to getting attracted to someone or someone getting attracted to you. There is no hack. It's a magic. It's a magic formula that even the best of scientists, nor the quantum witch can solve for you. You'll figure it out. You just gotta put yourself out there. Go to the bar, grab a pack of cigarettes, walk into the Mexican restaurant when you're on your way to grab.

[Chris Hoadley]

A pack of cigarettes. Put yourself out there.

[Brian Green]

Put yourself out there, start smoking cigarettes, drink lots of Bud light, jump the gate at the Clemson game, and you know, be unscrupulous in general. You will find your human being. They are out there. There's plenty of us and there's lots of them. I'm reading all these sad stories about this generation of kids that's growing up now, these 20 somethings and late teens. They are the least laid, they are the least relationship involved, they are the least optimistic that they'll ever have relationships that are meaningful. Like romantic relationships that are meaningful. Meaningful. And that to me is very sad. But I understand why. It's because you've never just put the screen down for a minute and walked into a bar and gotten yourself into a little bit of good trouble. You know what I mean? Good trouble. That's okay, that's what you, that's what.

[Chris Hoadley]

You find other interests, you know?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Like drugs. Drugs are perfect for your late teens and early twenties. Now put them down by your mid twenties or else, you know, then shit starts going sideways. But that's. This is the time of your life. Go have the time of your life, get in trouble without getting arrested. That's the good kind of trouble. Find a few strangers, make new friends, have an adventurous night, do something that doesn't involve a screen and staying at home, wishing things were different. And I promise you, I promise you, you may not get laid every time, but it eventually will happen if you want it to. Take advice.

[Chris Hoadley]

From Uncle Brian.

[Brian Green]

From Uncle Brian. This public service announcement brought to you by Brian.

[Chris Hoadley]

Good trouble.

[Brian Green]

Good trouble. I don't want to encourage anybody to get in actual trouble. I just want them to get into good kind of trouble. You know, the kind of trouble where you end up you know, making out with somebody at the bar. Yeah, what's wrong with that, Chrissy? What's wrong?

[Chris Hoadley]

Skinny dipping.

[Brian Green]

Skinny dipping?

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Skinny dipping is good trouble. You know, breaking onto the golf course at three in the morning and smoking a joint and laying a blanket down and giving each other mutual massages, that's a good kind of trouble. Been there, done that. Yeah. Find a. Find a massage friend. I guarantee you're gonna have some fun with that one. I used to have a massage friend. That's what we called each other. Massage friends.

[Chris Hoadley]

Is this who I think it is?

[Brian Green]

What's that?

[Chris Hoadley]

Is this who I think it is?

[Brian Green]

No, I don't think so. I don't know who you're thinking about, but I don't think so. I don't think so. I'm not gonna say that. Find yourself an Eastern European angry friend. You know what I'm saying? Find somebody and you guys agree to just have the good kind of trouble.

[Chris Hoadley]

European angry.

[Brian Green]

That's the good kind of trouble? That's the good kind of trouble?

[Chris Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Just make sure you don't get on their bad side. All right. 221-244-3333. TCB 212433, 3822. Questions, comments, concerns, contents, ideas? We're taking them all right at that phone number. We'd love to hear from you. Text message or voicemail. If you have something you want to say to us, call in, leave it on the voicemail and you could be the next voice that opens up the commercial break. Also, we are imploring you. Please go follow us on Instagram at the commercial commercial break. You'd be a doll face if you do it on Tick Tock too, though we don't post there as often. Listen, I can only do so much, but TCP podcast on tick tock YouTube.com the commercial break for all the episodes the same day. They air here on the audio feed. Go check out the new studio for us and tcbpodcast.com all the audio, all the video, and your free sticker at the contact Us page. No must, no fuss. Okay, Chrissy. I guess that's all I can do for today.

[Zola Announcer]

I think so.

[Brian Green]

I'll tell you that I love you.

[Chris Hoadley]

And I love you.

[Brian Green]

Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say we do say, and we must say goodbye. We're so done with new Year, new you. This year it's more you on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially.

[Zola Announcer]

That one filled with show tunes.

[Brian Green]

More of you finding Gemini because you.

[Zola Announcer]

Know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want.

[Brian Green]

And you know what?

[Zola Announcer]

We love that for you. Someone else will too.

[Brian Green]

Be more you this year and find them on Bumble.

[Rachel]

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