Joke Joke Zan Zan Sad Sad

Summary

The Commercial Break – "Joke Joke Zan Zan Sad Sad"

Date: February 29, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley

Overview

This episode of The Commercial Break kicks off with the usual offbeat improv banter between Bryan and Krissy before diving into a pair of wild travel stories set in Jamaica. The pair gleefully recount mishaps involving weed, border security, and lobster—then react to a bizarre presentation from a self-proclaimed "pickup artist," Zan, at a convention. True to their signature style, the hosts blend personal tales with fierce sarcasm and raucous commentary about internet oddities and self-help snake oil.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Waxing, Mustaches, and Podcast Antics

• Opening riff – Bryan and Krissy riff absurdly on waxing, mustaches, and playful braggadocio to establish the show’s casually NSFW energy.
  • [00:05] Bryan Green: "...bitches with mustaches got good pussy patience. Am I right?"
  • Sets the lowbrow, unapologetic tone of the episode.

2. Krissy’s Jamaican Vacation—Weed, Red Stripe, and Blissed-Out Island Vibes

• Krissy shares highlights from a recent trip to Jamaica, including plentiful weed ("straight grass"), local beer, and her transformation into a laid-back island tourist.
  • [02:26] Kristen Joy: “Smoked a lot of weed. I mean, when in Jamaica.”
• Bryan asks for a local weed vs. U.S. weed comparison—Krissy: It's "just different," less engineered, more natural.
  • [02:07] Kristen Joy: “It’s just straight grown … here, it’s become so much different because of all of the strains and ... whatever. There, it’s just straight grass.”

3. Bryan’s Legendary Jamaica Weed Adventure

(Segment Start: 03:10)

• Bryan retells an epic anecdote: Years ago, he and his then-girlfriend tried to buy weed while on a cruise stop in Ocho Rios.
  • Humorous details:
    • Tourist anxiety ("I'm the epitome of a dumb American")
    • Cab driver and shopkeeper both immediately assume he’s there for weed
    • A comically oversized "stick" of weed for $50 (he only takes a “three inch bud”)
    • Fanny pack and cargo shorts—full dork mode
• Paranoia peaks returning to the boat; Bryan details his attempted stealth (“I stuff it into my cigarette pack and then I just put that through the metal detector. … No one is the wiser”).
  • [12:38] "No one is the wiser. Like nothing happens. And by the way, I didn’t see anybody else getting busted with anything. So clearly it was just like perfunctory."
• TV warning about U.S. federal offenses on contraband when crossing into American waters triggers fresh anxiety.
  • [14:29] "Now … as I always do when we go down to Jamaica, man, I know we all know what Jamaica is known for … federal offense ... at 3am ... All illegal substances need to be somewhere besides this ship."
• Bryan flushes the remainder of the weed before reaching Miami.

Bryan Gets Searched at Customs

(Segment Start: 17:43)

• After returning to Miami, Bryan instinctively tries to pet a narcotics dog at customs.
• The dog “hits” on Bryan, leading to three officers detaining and questioning him:
  • Comic escalation:
    • Cavity search in a locked bathroom (“...they are looking up my ass with a flashlight”)
    • [25:23] "They just searched my asshole? … They put a flashlight up there. … Why do they need a flashlight? It was well lit in there."
  • Krissy laughs heartily at his misfortune.
• Bryan’s lingering paranoia ("I had a full blown panic attack for the entire ride home. … all over a little bit of weed that I had put in my pocket.")
  • Memorable self-deprecating close:
    • [25:20] "Imagine if I’d come home with the entire tie stick, you know what I’m saying? Like, what the. Ryan, what the."

4. Krissy’s Lobster-Loving Jamaican Dog Story

(Segment Start: 25:47)

• Krissy’s highlights:
  • A friend hooks her and Jeff up with a local Jamaican driver who treats them to beer and pre-rolled joints.
  • They dine at a literal shack, "Presley’s," pre-ordering lobster caught fresh by a former fisherman.
  • A local dog (“White Paw”) gets spoiled with their leftover lobster—the dog blissfully passes out after the feast.
  • Bryan quips about the likely fate: "White Paw’s having a seizure on the ground because he’s allergic to shellfish."
• Vibe: Warm, communal—set against Krissy and Jeff’s delighted, slightly stoned wonder at the local scene.
  • [30:50] "Beautiful, beautiful. I mean, the sunsets were just amazing. And just like I said, the people, the places is just gorgeous."

5. Deep Dive: Mocking the Pickup Artist “Zan” at the 21 Convention

(Segment Start: 31:13)

• The hosts review a recent cringe-filled presentation on “the spiritual art of seduction” by Zan, a smarmy, pseudo-mystical "pickup artist."
• Zan’s Vibe and Look:
  • Sleeves cut off, Johnny Depp vibes, overdone accessories ("Brian, you know, I have one Bracelet, he’s got 12.")
  • Claims of wisdom from “the trenches” trying to understand the "hearts and arms of women."

Quote Highlights & Satirical Roasting

• On Zan’s Life Lessons:
  • [34:10] Zan: “So my 30s was like … starting to get some kind of understanding because I did nothing else but try and understand the hearts and minds and arms of women.”
  • Bryan: "A way to a woman’s heart is straight through her biceps."
• On Self-Help Nonsense:
  • Zan’s boast: Took 10 years to write his book The Alabaster Girl (he can send it from Romania, “just pay shipping”).
    • [41:41] Bryan: “Wow, what a rousing success. I don’t know if I’d be bragging about that.”
• On “Masculine Energy"—the Infamous Nut Chakra:
  • Zan instructs: Take all your information “and to lower it down here into your heart, lower it down into your, into your gut and into your balls.”
    • [50:28] Bryan: “I’m sorry, I’m laughing like a clown. All this information in your head, push it down to your heart. … right to your nut sack. That’s where that information belongs.”
• Bryan and Krissy’s riffing:
  • They imagine a practical product: wine-tasting by dipping your balls (“Decanter for your nuts”).
  • Compare Zan’s jargon to Michael Scott’s “That’s what she said!” antics.

Satire on “Information Age” and Pickup Fads

• Zan: “The information age has run its course. … The only task from now on… is to lower it down here…into your balls.”
  • [49:58] Bryan: "…Cut the sleeves out of all your shirts and get to work, boys."
• Krissy and Bryan call out the scammy nature of the pitch (books, seminars, DVDs):
  • [47:39] Bryan: “…thank you for spending $6,000 to come to the 21 convention. I’m here to tell you you already have the information. Buy my new series for $49.99 a month.”

Notable Audience Reactions & Takeaways

• Hosts criticize, but empathize with, the guys attending (“…just looking to make a connection…they would like something to help them get over this anxiety.”)
• Ultimately, they acknowledge that the seminar is empty sales patter—a “master class in speeches” that goes nowhere, except for the endless self-promotion and empty “nut chakra” talk.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Bryan, on being out of place as an American tourist:

  • [09:32] "Just look at me. I am the epitome of a dumb American."

• Krissy, summarizing the lobster feast with White Paw:

  • [29:04] "This dog is so sweet. I'm petting the dog...throw a little lobster down the dirt floor...the dog's eating it...then ... the dog's like, I've had too much nuts."

• Bryan, on custom's dog sniffing:

  • [21:34] "And not...Not like the kind of hitting on you that was important in the twenties. It's like he keeps sniffing my leg..."

• Zan, the Pickup Artist:

  • [50:06] "…take this massive amount of information that you have consumed and to lower it down here into your heart, lower it down into your, into your gut and into your balls."

• Bryan, on “self-help” scam culture:

  • [41:21] "Free book. Just pay the $627 shipping and handling from Romania, the girl dot com."

• On the emptiness of the “spiritual seduction” seminar:

  • [59:20] Kristen Joy: "There was no information. We garnered no information from that. Except maybe toward the end, where he realized Zahn might be coming up a little bit. But that's okay. I wish him the best."

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–02:33 – Opening banter, waxed mustaches, intro to Jamaican adventures
• 03:10–13:09 – Bryan’s misadventures buying weed in Jamaica and cruise ship paradox
• 17:43–25:23 – The Miami customs dog search saga (“ass searched”)
• 25:47–30:57 – Krissy’s Jamaican lobster meal and the saga of “White Paw” the dog
• 31:13–59:06 – Analysis and mockery of Zan’s “pickup artist” speech (“nut chakra,” self-help grift)
• 59:20–End – Wrap-up; self-aware invitations to come on the podcast; extending comedic parallels between The Commercial Break and cheesy self-help hucksters

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Tone & Vibe

• Unfiltered, quick-witted, and darkly sarcastic—Bryan and Krissy casually poke fun at themselves, each other, and the world of self-improvement and influencer culture.
• Completely irreverent, mixing nostalgia, riffing banter, and rapid punchline exchanges. The duo’s long friendship is evident in the ease with which they riff and roast.

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Bottom Line

A classic The Commercial Break episode:

• Tightly spun tales of travel, contraband, and canine capers, punctuated by relentless jokes
• A deep-dive takedown of internet pseudo-gurus pitching absurd spiritual-seduction methods
• Despite their harsh satire, Bryan and Krissy make space for empathy—which only deepens the comedy
• If you love podcasts that move fast, deflate egos, and find humor in life’s ridiculousness (and you’re not easily offended), this episode is a ridiculous, chaotic joyride.

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For more, check out:

• TCBpodcast.com
• Instagram: @thecommercialbreak
• TikTok: @TCBpodcast
• YouTube: youtube.com/thecommercialbreak

Transcript

[Brian Green]

As I get older and I wax more, I notice that my mustache is getting thicker.

[Kristen Joy]

But it's cool, though, because bitches with.

[Brian Green]

Mustaches got good pussy patience. Am I right? Right. Talk about it, bitch. On this episode of the commercial break.

[Chrissy]

If you're hanging out with me ever, I'm like, hey, joke, joke, fun, talk, talk, blah, blah, blah.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, fun, fun. If you ever hanging out with me, you're like, fun, fun, laugh, laugh, talk, talk. Can you pick up the bill? Do you have a couch I can stay on?

[Kristen Joy]

I just have a carry on.

[Brian Green]

The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green and this is my cohort in the yuckles clown speed dating, Kristen Joy. Hope the best of you, Chris. Best to you in the podcast universe. How are you doing? Thank you for joining us. Okay, we'll get to that later. That's not even that. That's an episode that hasn't even aired yet, so we shouldn't do that. Okay. So we talked about. Or we. We had not yet talked about. You have not yet heard about Chrissy's vacation to Jamaica. So I want to ask the question because I don't want to get the ayaman. This is a terribly.

[Kristen Joy]

Jeff and I just speak Jamaican now.

[Brian Green]

Y. What is the respect. The respect. Mad respect. Mad respect, man. Bless up, God. You and Yahweh. Is that Yahweh? What are they? I don't know. They say something. Yeah. I don't want to be. I don't want to come off as, you know, generally racist on the show, so. But tell me this. I just got to know one thing. Not that you tried it, but from other people in your hotel that probably were partaking in the local affairs.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Is the weed better or worse than it is here?

[Kristen Joy]

Well, it's just different.

[Brian Green]

It's just different. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy]

Cuz it's just straight grown like here. It's become so much different because of all of the strains and the edibles and the whatever there. It's just straight grass.

[Brian Green]

It's just that grass. Just that Jamaica grass. Yeah, man. That good. Good.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah. I drank a ton of Red stripes.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy]

Smoked a lot of weed. I mean, when in Jamaica.

[Brian Green]

When in Jamaica, do what the Jamaicans do.

[Kristen Joy]

Exactly.

[Brian Green]

Say, yaman.

[Kristen Joy]

Exactly.

[Brian Green]

Stay at beautiful hotels. Listen, I had one experience where I went to Jamaica, and so here's how it goes. I'm on a. I think I've told this story, but I'll repeat it because we have 7,000 episodes of the show. You're probably not going to hear. The last time I told it, my ex wife and I go to Ocho Rios on a cruise before we're even married. This is like our first big trip together. So we can't, we cannot even afford to get a room with a balcony. So we have a room with a porthole. You know, you've seen those videos where like the waves are splashing up against the porthole. That kind of room, right? Where we actually had to keep the curtain closed as not to make us more seasick. So I don't know what it is. It's like the second stop and we go to Ocho Rios and we have this beautiful day planned and we're gonna go to the waterfall that you can slide down. You know, we're gonna go eat at this local establishment off the beaten path that, you know, has nothing to do. We didn't do the tour guided stuff, right? We just went off on our own, right? We got a cab, we went to wherever we went. So we get in the cab and my ex at the time is like, listen, I think we should smoke a little weed while we're here. Get a little weed, like, you know, when in Rome, do what the Romans do, when in Jamaica, smoke that ganja, right? And I at the time, I was not a weed smoker. I was a reformed weed smoker due to the crippling panic attacks that they often, weed smoking often caused me. And, but I thought, well, okay, I'm here and I don't want this girl that I, you know, care about. I don't want her thinking I'm a wuss. I want to do something about it. Let's get some weed. So, but she's, but she just kind of like left it to me to figure out. So we get in the cab at the port and I say, hey man. And you know, he's like, what? You want weed? That's what he said. He, he go, I go, hey man, that's all I said. And he goes, you want weed? And I go, yeah, how did you know? And he goes, because it's always the ones taking the taxi cats. I always want the weed. And I was, ah, good thinking. I go, can you take us to this waterfall? But close around, is there like a place where we might be able to pick up some ganj? And he was like, first of all, we don't call it gone, right? So stop it. Just a stupid white man on another cruise ship. There's three more coming today. I got to deal with you guys all day long, first of all. Second of all, yes. There's a little shopping village.

[Chrissy]

I'll.

[Brian Green]

I'll point out which huts you can go talk to. Right. And I was like, okay, so we literally get dropped off probably like a half a mile from the. From the waterfalls. There is a shopping village off the beaten path. It's literally these thatched huts. Oh, yeah, right. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy]

There's a lot of shacks.

[Brian Green]

A lot of shacks and thatched huts. And there's a row of 20 on one side, 20 on the other. It's a marketplace, essentially, and there's a lot of touristy bullshit, but there's also, like, goods and services, I imagine, for the locals there. So it's a good mix of locals. And so I'm like, I feel good about this. I'm like, okay, I think I can figure out somewhere I can do this. I can do this.

[Kristen Joy]

You can do this.

[Brian Green]

You can do this. You can get us high.

[Kristen Joy]

Good enough.

[Brian Green]

Get us high. I'm. I'm talking myself up. I am like, I am love. I am the guy that will get some weed in a strange country without getting us arrested or killed. Yeah. So I. So he pointed out, you know, go to the. Whatever. The third hut on the left. So we go to the third hut on the left. It is a. Like a knickknack tchotchke kind of place selling knickknacks and chachkis.

[Kristen Joy]

Well, there's a lot of wood carving and that kind of thing. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Some of it local, I'm sure. And then some of it, like, shipped in from China, like we do here in the United States. All cruise ports do. Right. And so I walk in, there's a guy behind the counter, like, whatever. A counter, a table, whatever it is. And he. I walk in, and I'm just, like, looking around, and I'm like, I don't know what to do here. I don't know what to say. Like, this is such a weird conversation to have. Yeah. So I'm like, kind of walk up a little shyly to the table, and before I even open my mouth to say hi to the guy, he goes, you want some weed? I'm like, holy shit. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy]

They just assume.

[Brian Green]

They just assume because they know we're just dumb tourists who don't have, at that time, had no accessibility to the United States. And so I say, yes. How did you know? And he goes, oh, man, come on. He's like, you know? I know. Like, I know you're not buying any you don't want anything in here. You want the weed? And I was like, yeah, I do. And he goes, all right, $50. Show me the money. And I'm like, oh, now I'm trying to, like, play it really street smart. And I'm like, show me the weed. And he's like, doesn't work that way, man. Show me the money. Show me. You got cash? I don't take credit cards. Right?

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And so I whip out. I probably have a fanny pack on because I'm, you know, that guy. Like a bright neon colored fanny pack. And so I open it up and I pull out the 50 bucks. And he's like, okay, man, come up. Come with me. So we go to. We go through this, like, series of weird shacks and tunnels, right? Right behind the actual facade of this marketplace. And now we're like, in the back, but it's all covered in thatch tuts and all this. And I'm like, geez. So I assume what's going on is that all of them sell weed and they all share the same weed pot to go get the weed from and then collect their money, which is great. That's a co op. It's probably in the spirit of how things should be done. So in this one room, very darkly lit now. Now my ex is back at the front of this shack, right? And I'm now gone at least five minutes already because we had to, like, work way through these tunnels and huts and all this other stuff. There is a big wicker basket, the kind that a cobra would come out of in one of those weird Disney movies that are slightly racist. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So it's this huge thing, and it's probably three feet high, and he opens it up and he pulls out a stick. Yeah, a stick. A Bud.

[Kristen Joy]

That's what Jeff said it was like when he went 20 years ago.

[Brian Green]

It was like two feet long.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah, it was just a straight up stall.

[Brian Green]

That was it. Yeah, that's what it was. And he's like, here you go, man. And then he pulls out another one that's a little less big. And he goes, because I like you, right? And I was like, oh, okay, thank you. But I was actually hoping for much less weed. I was actually hoping for much less for $50. And he's like, oh, man. No, it's Jamaica. Like, this is how it rolls. This is how we work, right? Don't worry about it. Take it. And I'm like, no, you don't understand. Like, I have a fanny Pack. I'm going to a waterfall. I have no place to put this. So I take out the pack of cigarettes that I have at the time, and I pull the cellophane off of it like all good half cock drug addicts do. And I just knock off a little bit of it and I pour it in there and then I. I burn the cellophane with my lighter and I'm like, that's it. And he goes, for 50 bucks. And I said, well, yeah, that's all I can carry. And he's like, you got to get more. You got to get smarter than that. Something like that. He said something to me. He's like, I just offered you like half a pound of weed and you're taking a budget. A single three inch bud. And I'm like, listen, it's just me and my girl. Like, we're not, you know, we're not going to toke it down that much.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And he's like, damn shame, but. Damn shame. But what do you ever you want to do, you know? Okay, fine. So we leave.

[Kristen Joy]

I put it in my pocket like, I did it.

[Brian Green]

I did it. I told Julia. I came out of there with my white shirt on, my neon swimming trunks, my water shoes, which I'm sure I had on.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah, because you were going to the waterfall.

[Brian Green]

I was going to the waterfall and I was dressed for the waterfalls.

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Brian Green]

So. No, actually I had cargo shorts on. So, you know, but cargo shorts, white shirt, you know, fanny pack or whatever I was carrying with me. And then these water shoes and a click, click, click, click, click, click, click. Just look at me. I am the epitome of a dumb American. So I come out and I'm all happy, and I'm like, I got it. And she's like, you got it? And I'm like, yeah, I got it. The guy offered me like a pound of weed, but. And she's like, we don't have that kind of money. And I was like, no, like 50 bucks. And she's like, 50 bucks. And I was like, yeah. And he offered me like three and a half feet of weed.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And she's like, I don't even understand what that means. And I'm like, don't worry about. It was a crazy situation, but I got out of there with the skin of my teeth. I was brave. I was like, macgyver, negotiator. I was Mark Cuban down in the ditches selling something.

[Kristen Joy]

Well, once again, he bought high.

[Brian Green]

So I bought high and I sold it. I'm the only guy in Jamaican history that walks in, gets offered a pound of weed for 50 bucks and walks away with crumbles with the shake. Keep the 50. Yeah. I literally shook the butt over the cellophane. And I was like, what do you think about that? Take that. I think we're dumb Americans. He's like, no, take it all. And I'm like, oh, actually, I can't. Yeah. So, okay, so we go to the waterfalls in Ocho Rios, and we have a great day. And I. When I got to the waterfalls, they had lockers. We locked our stuff in our lockers, along with the cellophane in my cargo shorts. We get back to the boat, and we have, like, another three and a half, four days left on the cruise.

[Kristen Joy]

And so this was just a day stop.

[Brian Green]

This is a day. This is a day stop. And so in. And I have to tell you, like, we get back on the cruise ship, or we're getting back on the cruise ship. We're embarking back onto the cruise ship, and we have to take these little, like, porter boats, right? These little tin tender.

[Kristen Joy]

Tenders.

[Brian Green]

Tenders. And the guy who's navigating this tender boat, which is a Jamaican tender boat. That's how it works. They come out there, they get you, huh? Okay, man. Anything goes on in Jamaica, stays in Jamaica. You know what I mean? I'm going to look away for a few minutes, throw it out the window. You know, you can't make it back to America, right? You have a good time while you're here, but, you know, see you the next time, and we'll save it for you or whatever he says. And so we're sitting next to this other couple, and the other. The wife, who we had been to dinner with a couple nights earlier was like, oh, get rid of it. Get rid of it. To her husband. And her husband's like, the fuck I'm going to get rid of it. They don't give a shit. It's in international waters. Please tell me no one smokes weed on a Jamaican cruise. Come on. Yeah. And then. So I'm not. I'm taking the high ground, too. And I'm like, yeah, fudge that I just paid 50 bucks for a pound of weed. And I got shake. I'm not throwing it out. What are they going to do, bust me for less than a gram of marijuana? Come on, they can't do that. So. But then we get off the tender boat, and I quickly realize that the security check that's going on is not the normal security check. It's. It's pretty intense, right. They're putting people through scanners. They're patting some people down, they're opening all the bags. They're feeling, you know, they're doing the whole thing.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Somehow, some way I. When we're standing in line, I stuff it into my cigarette pack and then I just put that through the metal detector. Right. Like a dumb shit, I put it through the metal detector and no one is the wiser. Like nothing happens. And by the way, I didn't see anybody else getting busted with anything. So clearly it was just like perfunctory. Right? Oh, we're going to make it seem like we have security here, but we know what goes on. So we get back to the room and we imbibe and I order room service, which is free because you're on a Cruise. I ordered 12 bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches one night just for shits and giggles.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And I just had a grand old time. Right. But I was only taking like, like a half a hit. Like and then I would be done for the night and then I would fall asleep having a panic attack. So last night before were entering American waters and the TV pops on like it does sometimes when you're on a cruise because the cruise director wants to tell you something. Having regarded safety a change of plans in the trip or whatever.

[Kristen Joy]

Brian.

[Brian Green]

What if it came on and then just my picture is on there and then they have like a picture of the. The cigarettes going through the X ray machine. Armed and dangerous. Armed with ragweed? Yeah. Not even marijuana. It's a native pollen flower. It's gonna kill everybody if it gets out into the air conditioning system. He's on a rampage. He didn't buy weed. He bought a poisonous fucking shrub. He's gonna kill all of us. Find him. Don't approach. Let us know. So this guy comes popping on and he's Yankee fucking Doodle Dandy, you know, he's like, oh, I'm so glad you had a great time on the cruise.

[Kristen Joy]

I've never been on a cruise, but.

[Brian Green]

I'm picturing so weird because it literally the TV pops on, you know, and they do this now and we've been on more recent cruises and they do this, but it comes through the intercom system. But on this particular cruise the TV also popped on. Right. It's like, ah, thanks for everybody for coming on the cruise. Y. I'm glad everybody had a good time. Now let's, let's go. Let's get your disembarking information here. It goes a through Z. You know, floors 1, 2, 3. You're going to disembark at this time. Get your luggage, don't get your luggage, whatever it is. And I just got to remind everybody, as I always do when we go down to Jamaica, man, I know we all know what Jamaica is known for. It's known for its beauty, but it's also known for its marijuana. And he's like, listen, what you do on the cruise or while you're in Jamaica is your business. No one hears, no one here, here to tell you any different. However, just know that it is a federal offense to go into US Waters with any contraband inside your luggage, your person, and including your cabin. So this is your opportunity. At 3am we will cross the line back into US waters. By 3am all marijuana and all. All illegal substances need to be somewhere besides this ship, right? And he's like, don't pollute, you know, don't stuff up our toilets. He's like, but you get the point. You got it? So he gives us, like, this stern warning. First of all, I'm high. Second of all, I just ordered a lot of bacon, egg, and cheeses. And third of all, I am now paranoid. I'm like, oh, shit. So I say to the girl that's with me, I. My ex. I say, hey, listen, do what you're gonna do now, because I'm gonna get rid of this. I'm gonna, like, flush it down the toilet, throw it overboard, something. I'm gonna do something with it. And she's like, oh, God, so goddamn paranoid. Like, you've got, like, this much left. It's not gonna be a big deal. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And so, whatever, she decides not to smoke anymore, I throw it down the toilet before we go to bed and flush it away, take the cellophane, put it in the trash can. I'm done. Done with it. No problem. No must, no fuss. Yep. Next morning, wake up, we're in port in Miami, and you will not believe what happened to us. And that's why. And that's why I'm gonna take a break. You have to stay tuned. I'm gonna take a break, and then.

[Kristen Joy]

I have a funny new story to tell, too.

[Brian Green]

Oh, I would love to hear it. Okay. All right, we'll be back.

[Kristen Joy]

What?

[Christina]

Oh, hi, it's Christina again, here to remind you to go to tcbpodcast.com for all things audio, video, and TC, BDO. Give us a follow on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok, TCVpodcast, and guess what? We have a new phone number. I know what you're thinking, but I promise this is the last TCV phone number you will ever have to remember. So call us and leave us a voicemail or text us at 212-4333, TCB. Once more for the people in the back. That's 212-4333 TCB. Oh, and check out our YouTube channel at YouTube.com/the commercial break. That's all for now. Let's listen to our sponsors and get back to the show.

[Brian Green]

Okay, so we get.

[Kristen Joy]

You just made it back to Miami.

[Brian Green]

That's right, we made it back to Miami. We're disembarking as we were told to do. And if anybody's ever been to the Miami, one of the Miami cruise port terminals, then you'll know that what you do is essentially you get off at one level and then you take this incredible escalator up to the top level, or at least is the way it was when we got off this particular cruise. You take like this three story escalator up to the top and that's where customs and immigration and all that shit is. Even though you don't really. It's not like a, like a super check. You have to go through some, right? So we're going up this escalator and then we're chatting and chatting and maybe we're a little hungover and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And as we start cresting the top of it, I see what I think is a very nice looking German shepherd with a police officer. And I am blissfully unaware that you're not supposed to touch the dogs. So. And the dog is coming toward me and I'm like, oh, good dog. Oh, it's so beautiful. It's. What is that, a malamute? What is that? I'm trying to sound professional, you know, I'm like, oh my gosh, I love that dog. Chrissy. I am thinking nothing, nothing about anything except what a nice dog, right?

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And the dog is pulling toward me and the officer is walking toward me and I'm like, I'm like, I, I love this dog. So I go, I love this dog. I'm probably still high from the night before. So I get down. What a beautiful dog. I get down, I go to get down and like meet it at its level like you would with a dog, right? And then, and then the officer like pulls the dog back and is like, don't touch the dog.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And I was like, oh, sorry. I'm sorry, I apologize. He was just coming toward me, so I thought I would let him know, you know, I'm friendly. And he's like, sir, I need you to come over here with me. And I'm like, what? What for? And he's. I'm like, I didn't touch the dog. Like, I never touched the dog. I was only thinking about touching the dog. In my very high brain, I say that out loud. I'm like, oh. And he's like, sir, I need you to come over here. And then quickly, two other police officers are right behind me. Like, you know, they walk up and they're right behind me. And like, sir, come this way with us, please. And I'm like, what happened? What did I do? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to touch the dog. Like, now I'm all upset because they're arresting me because I touched the dog. That. And I'm like, I'm really sorry. I didn't touch the dog. He's like, it's not about the dog. The dog is a narcotic sniffing dog. And he has hit on you. That's why he was coming up to you. And I was like, oh. And I go, well, I don't have any narcotics on me. And he's like, we'll see about that. Right?

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah, that's.

[Brian Green]

Meanwhile, my Ex is standing 50ft away, and she thinks this is the best thing since sliced bread. This is hilarious to her because Brian's getting his balls busted about touching the dog. Well, she doesn't know that it wasn't about touching the dog. She's 50ft away from me. And so now I've got three police officers. And this one guy goes, you know, I'm a US Inspector, Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I said, well, it's nice to meet you. I don't have any drugs on me. And he goes, well, the dog has hit positive on you. We all know what happens in Jamaica. We all know what happens in Jamaica. And oftentimes people are tempted by some outside force to bring in narcotics on their behalf. Have you told anybody they could put anything into your bags? And I'm like, no. Meanwhile, the dog is sniffing around, right? And it keeps coming back to me to hitting on my leg, like, sniffing, you know? And I'm like, no, no, I didn't talk to anybody. I didn't do anything. I was never in any thatched hut being offered a pound of weed for $50. Never. I never did. That Never happened. And he's like, I need you to be honest with Me. This is the one chance you got. I need you to be clear with me. Did you or did you not bring back narcotics from Jamaica or any other place that you stopped? And I said, I didn't. I swear I did not. And he goes, we're getting a positive hit, sir. I'm going to have to pat you down. And I'm like, okay. So he pats me down, the cigarettes, the lighter, the whole nine yards. He puts it, and he puts it on the table. And the dog keeps hitting on me. And I'm like. And not. Not like the kind of hitting on you that was important in the twenties. It's like he keeps sniffing my leg.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, oh, fuck, man. I don't have any drugs on me. What could possibly be the problem here? That's what I'm thinking. And so the officer says, Mr. Green, this is, like, now 15 minutes has passed, and we've all been sitting there, like, arguing about whether or not I have drugs on me, right? And he's like, Mr. Green, one last chance. Did you go to Jamaica? Did you smoke a little bit of weed? Did you have a little bit of fun? Did you forget maybe to throw something away? And I was like, I didn't. I didn't go to Jamaica for any purpose except for the waterfall. I've never driven to Jamaica. It stopped. I stayed in. As a matter of fact, I'm allergic to Jamaica.

[Kristen Joy]

I got off the boat.

[Brian Green]

I never got off the boat at all. I never even left my room. I don't even. I don't even want to be around alcohol or gambling. Half the ship was off limits to me. I literally went to the mess hall and back. That's it. That's it. And so he says, listen, the dog is highly sensitive. The dog will smell weed days after it's been somewhere. And so we have to get to the bottom of this. I can't just let you go. The dog keeps hitting on you, like, I can't let you go. We got to get to the bottom. It's just. Come on, tell me the truth. Like, now he's begging me to tell the truth so he can get on to more important things in his day, right? He's clear. He's not busted Pablo Escobar in the fucking Miami cruise port. And I'm like, all right, listen, man. We smoked a little bit of weed in Jamaica. Where did you put the weed? I said, well, I had it in my pocket, but, you know, I got rid of it. And he's like, okay, you had it in these pockets. And I'm like, look down. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I think I did. And I go, but it was wrapped in something. And he's like, it doesn't matter. He goes, weed smells so strong. He's like, that dog can smell that. You could wash those pants and the dog would probably still be able to smell it. And I was like, well, that's amazing. Tell me more about the dog. And he's like, no, no, no. This is about you, Mr. Green.

[Kristen Joy]

Now I'm trying to, like, divert.

[Brian Green]

I know. I'm trying to do a podcast interview with him. I'm like, well, tell me more about this dog. What's his name? Rudy. What a nice name for a dog. How long have you had him? Where'd you get him? Is that a rescue dog? So he goes, listen, give me a second. I'll be right back. Okay. So five minutes goes by. He's on the phone with somebody. He comes back, all right, you're gonna be back. You're gonna get. You're gonna get to go. No problem. And I said, okay. He goes, but my sarge wants me to do one more thing. And I'm like, what's that? And he goes, I just want to do a quick body cavity search just to make sure that there's nothing anywhere where we can't see it. And I'm like, you gotta be kidding me. He's like, do you swallow any drugs? I go, I didn't swallow any drugs, no. And there's none of my shitter right now, so I. I actually just pooped this morning. Everything's clean and clear down there. And he's like, well, let's run into this private bathroom. Me and another officer are gonna come in there. We're gonna check real quick. And I'm like, are you kidding me? Are we really doing this? And he's like, take five minutes. Yes. Now he's convincing me that this is an okay stranger with a small child. It's okay. Come with us. I got candy. I got candy. Come with us. So I swear to God, in the Miami cruise port terminal, I'm in this bathroom that is now locked with two Miami Dade something or others. And they are looking up my ass with a flashlight. With a flashlight. Then they do my mouth. Then they're looking, you know, look, doing the whole collar thing, you know, And. And I'm like, okay. And he's like, well, I think we're gonna have to let him go. I was like, okay, I'm right here. You Realize I'm right here, right, talking to your partner. Like, you're just sad that I don't go to jail today. And so then I walk out and now, you know, my ex, Julia is like, oh, my God, what the fuck has Brian gotten himself into? And I come out there and I'm like, I'm mortified, right? They just searched my asshole. She thinks this is the funniest thing that has ever happened in life. She is like, they searched your asshole? And I was like, they put a flashlight up there. She's like, they put a flashlight in your asshole? And I go, they didn't stick it in my asshole, but they were shining around with the asshole. And I was like, why do they need a flashlight? It was well lit in there. They couldn't see. They couldn't see that there was nothing coming out of my ass.

[Kristen Joy]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Green]

I had a full blown panic attack for the entire ride home. I swear to God I did. I was so beside myself that this had happened to me. And all over a little bit of weed that I had put in my pocket. I mean, imagine if I'd come home with the entire tie stick, you know what I'm saying? Like, what the. Ryan, what the. All right, tell me your story about Jamaica.

[Kristen Joy]

Okay, so did you get your ass searched? I did not.

[Brian Green]

Okay, all right, just check.

[Kristen Joy]

I did not. So we get there the first night and we have this driver that is a friend of a friend.

[Brian Green]

Okay?

[Kristen Joy]

Some friends of ours go down there every year and have cultivated a friendship with this guy, and he's their driver and tour.

[Brian Green]

I say without saying, too, the friend is a celebrity. It's a celebrity musician. I'm not going to say who it is, but it's a celebrity musician. So Chrissy's, like, really in good. Chrissy and Jeff are in good hands.

[Christina]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

These guys know what they're talking about. They've been down there a lot. They probably played concerts there, I would imagine.

[Kristen Joy]

Yes, they have. Okay, so this guy that they've hooked us up with, he's never left the island. He's just. He's Jamaican.

[Brian Green]

Wow.

[Kristen Joy]

True and true. And just a great guy, picks us up from the airport, takes us back, is kind of showing us where different sections of places as we're going through are. And we had heard about this, plus place Presley's to go to to eat for dinner one night. And so he's like, you know, hey, we've got.

[Brian Green]

There's a ghost moving a chair in the room. That was weird. I don't think that's blue. I think that's one of the youngins.

[Kristen Joy]

So he'd ask us, you know, we heard about this place. He's like, there's Presley's. And I'm like, I want to go there tomorrow night. Because when he picked us up, he had beers for us.

[Brian Green]

Wow.

[Kristen Joy]

And joints for us. Really?

[Brian Green]

Seriously.

[Kristen Joy]

We've already been partaking on this hour and a half drive back. And I'm like, we gotta go there. We gotta go to Presley's. So he's like, okay, yeah, I'll set it up for you. So the next day, well, that night, the night before, he asked us, do you want fish, lobster or conch? And we were like, oh, okay. There's three pieces. Three?

[Brian Green]

Three.

[Kristen Joy]

Just, you know, three choices. Jeff is like, I'll take fish. And I said I wanted lobster. We get there to Presley's this next night, which is just right across from our resort area. And it is a shack, you know, A literal shack. Yeah, yeah. Thatched roof, the whole thing. And we walk in and our driver, our friend is like, hey, you know, here's your stuff. I've ordered in advance. You had to order in advance? He's a former fisherman.

[Brian Green]

Wow.

[Kristen Joy]

So this guy had gone out like that, caught the fish. Yes. So we sit down and we're waiting for a while and finally we get those. These plates that come out and I mean, they're two of the biggest lobster things I've ever seen. There's so much lobster.

[Brian Green]

That's amazing. That's lovely. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy]

With the rice and the vegetables and all of that. And it's delicious. And we started eating it and I mean, so there's four parts to it because it's two that have been split open, you know, so I'm done with just like one piece. I'm like, man, I'm getting full.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy]

You know, I mean, it was filling with like the butter and the everything.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God, I'm hungry. I'm hungry.

[Kristen Joy]

Now, I always see this dog that keeps kind of coming up to the front of the shack. And I'm like, oh, that dog's so cute. Like you were the German shepherd. But this was not a drug sniffing dog.

[Brian Green]

This is a lobster sniffing dog.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah, exactly. So the dog starts coming and I. I can't help it. I'm petting the dog and like, oh, it's so sweet. And so we can't eat a lobster. So we're like on the slide, slipping the dog.

[Brian Green]

You are feeding the dog the lobster that this guy caught in the morning. For you.

[Kristen Joy]

And we don't want to be rude and not have. Of course not eat it all. But we couldn't eat it all.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God. That's too funny.

[Kristen Joy]

This dog is so sweet. I'm petting the dog. Pet the dog. I kind of, you know, throw a little lobster down the dirt floor. The dog. Dog's eating it. But then Jeff's like, here, you know, take this part of mine. I can't eat that. I throw it down, and the dog's like, I've had too much nuts.

[Brian Green]

They just kind of waddles away.

[Kristen Joy]

Kind of waddles away. I'm like, what's that dog's name? And turns out the doll's name is White Paw.

[Brian Green]

Oh, White Paw.

[Kristen Joy]

So we loved White Paw.

[Brian Green]

White Paw.

[Kristen Joy]

We're getting ready to leave, and here comes our driver pulling around the front.

[Brian Green]

And White Paw's having a seizure on the ground because he's allergic to shellfish.

[Kristen Joy]

We see what White Paul was. Okay. White Paw promptly went to sleep. We come out of this place and, I mean, he's just passed out. Passed out, asleep. But meanwhile, we saw our driver coming around the side of the bend, and as he passes by in his car, he's got a joint hanging out of his mouth. I'm like, that's something you don't see.

[Brian Green]

Every day, do you?

[Kristen Joy]

I mean, I mentally took a picture of it. I was like, I just love this.

[Brian Green]

I mean, in la, I think you see that quite often, actually.

[Kristen Joy]

So many little moments.

[Brian Green]

I know I could just see this.

[Kristen Joy]

Get immersed in the col. Everybody's so nice. They are so nice.

[Brian Green]

We always, we. We felt everyone that we interacted with, that was so cool. And, you know, I can see this fisherman waking up at three in the morning bothering his wife and his children, and he's like, God damn it, more tourists. I gotta go catch a lobster today, hon. I'm sorry. You know, here's Chrissy feeding the dog.

[Kristen Joy]

Dog ate it all. It's all ate well that night.

[Brian Green]

Yes, he did. Well, good for White Claw.

[Kristen Joy]

There was enough for White Paul, too.

[Brian Green]

I call him White Claw. His name's White Claw. Well, I love that you went to Jamaica. I think that's a great.

[Kristen Joy]

Beautiful, beautiful. I mean, the sunsets were just amazing. And just like I said, the people, the places is just gorgeous.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. When you're down on the ocean. When you're there at the ocean, sometimes if you're facing in the right direction, those sunsets that, you know, especially if they, like, they're coming across the sky, Instead of like straight up or down, they can last for 30, 40, 50 minutes.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah, definitely.

[Brian Green]

We saw that in. In Naples is another great place to.

[Kristen Joy]

Naples is.

[Brian Green]

But it happens pretty quickly. It's like within a 20 minute period. Right. Okay. So on. Did you make it? I wanted to talk about another dog who's probably eating lobster. Do you remember like a couple of months ago, maybe a month ago at this point? Maybe it was a little longer than that. We did a video about the guy who was saying that he taps into his whatever chakra and then his nut chakra to get the girls to get that energy that certain women certainly want. And what a riot this guy was. His name was Zon something and he was from the 21 Expo or the 21 Convention or whatever it's called. I'm not going to promote him here. I'm just going to use their content. I'm not going to promote.

[Kristen Joy]

He was a pickup artist.

[Brian Green]

He was a pickup artist basically. And he had the most ridiculous.

[Kristen Joy]

And he was like the hippie Crystal.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Yes. He was telling you you needed to ignore your heart chakra and go straight for your nut ch. He's back. And this is a newer video. Same company, same expo, same conference. Another year. He's. It's clear that this is a more updated video. And he. I found an hour long presentation that he gave on the. On the spiritual art of seduction. And you know this guy is going to give us all the wrong advice. So I know that we can't go through an hour of it, but I thought maybe we could go through a little bit of it.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And have some fun. What do you think?

[Kristen Joy]

I think so.

[Brian Green]

All right, so here's Zahn from the 21 Convention, which I think is in some small Orlando hotel where they clearly have all the finer things in life.

[Kristen Joy]

Oh, he doesn't have his bun.

[Brian Green]

He doesn't know. He's gone.

[Kristen Joy]

His long hair.

[Brian Green]

He's. Now he's full Johnny Depp. He is what? He is full Johnny Depp with black. A black shirt with the sleeves cut off.

[Kristen Joy]

Sleeveless. Button up. Yes, button down, button down, button up.

[Brian Green]

Who cut the sleeves out? He's got that long hair. He's got like the scruffy beard going on. He's got a couple of tattoos that obviously.

[Kristen Joy]

Black glasses.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, black glasses. Tattoos that were obviously inked on him many eons ago. And then he's got the bracelet thing going on, which. Brian, you know, I have one Bracelet, he's got 12. Yeah. But anyway, I'm just painting a Picture for you there out in the podcast universe, let's listen to what Zahn has to say about the art of spiritual seduction, which I think is different than other kinds of seduction. How? I'm not sure, but we'll figure it out.

[Chrissy]

In my 30s, where the. Where, because I kept going, is when the light bulbs kind of go like every now and then, go, wait a.

[Brian Green]

Minute, Wait a minute. I'm not getting very late all the time. I gotta change up. I'm doing it wrong. Wait a minute. These sleeves have been holding me back the entire time.

[Chrissy]

The girl said this to me. I've heard that 20 times before. And really, maybe it means this. So I started to learn and started to get some little aha moments. I never had any.

[Kristen Joy]

He's getting an aha.

[Brian Green]

He's getting an aha moment. Every time a woman slaps him, it gets into his brain a little bit. Can I just say this? I don't want to body shame anybody or anything like that, but doesn't this look reserved for a certain type of muscular individual? Yeah, don't you think I'm just. I just.

[Chrissy]

Startling epiphanies or big, giant leaps? So my 30s was like, kind of like small, incremental light bulb. That was back in the day before. Is it true before the Internet discussions?

[Brian Green]

This is back in the day before. I didn't know how to grift off, you assholes.

[Chrissy]

And so there was no. I had no help. I had nobody to look up to. I had nobody to turn to. I had no.

[Brian Green]

Nobody to look up to. What are you doing on 4chan? Figuring out how to pick up women. No one to look up to.

[Kristen Joy]

I know.

[Brian Green]

That is the worst thing ever said about the Internet. I had no one to look up to before the Internet.

[Chrissy]

But you say, this is how you do it, and it's gonna be okay. And so this is how you do it.

[Brian Green]

It's gonna be okay. It's not gonna be okay. Whatever he's telling you, it's wrong.

[Chrissy]

30S was like. Like, starting to get, like, some kind of understanding because I did nothing else but try and understand the hearts and minds and arms of women. It's all I want.

[Brian Green]

Arms.

[Kristen Joy]

Arms.

[Brian Green]

Why? Why?

[Kristen Joy]

Well, he does have a thing for arms.

[Brian Green]

A way to. A woman's heart is straight through her biceps. That's what I've always said, Chrissy.

[Chrissy]

I know. And. And so, my, my.

[Brian Green]

By the way, can you imagine the poor SAP that paid, like, $600 to show up to this convention? And Zahn's up there for an hour and 15 minutes telling you about his 30s. Me that women have arms.

[Chrissy]

Is when.

[Brian Green]

I did Dog just bark. Is there dogs at the 21 convention? Oh, it's blue. I thought it was on the. I thought it was on the video. I was like, wow, that's weird.

[Chrissy]

Hit the road. I quit my corporate job. I wandered out into the earth. Carry on bag only. And I traveled and I consolidated and refined and understood and conversed and.

[Brian Green]

And Are we sure that's my dog? Yeah. Okay. Blue off, man. Come on. Try to do a show here. By the way, this is the story of every influencer ever quit my corporate job. Went out in the world. Yeah. I became I. Through experiences, I became the Buddha that I am today.

[Kristen Joy]

I just can't remember the world. With a carry on.

[Brian Green]

With a carry on. Drakarta war. And condoms that haven't been used in many decades.

[Chrissy]

Spent time trying to distill what I'd learned about the hearts of women. And my 40s, I traveled and I wrote a book about it. I wrote a book called the Alabaster Girl.

[Brian Green]

I wrote a book called the Alabaster Girl. And here's the link to buy it on ebay. Only used copies available because I only made five and I used them all. Unbelievable.

[Chrissy]

It took me 10 years to write from 40 to 50 and birthday to birthday, I published on my 50th birthday. Get it out the door.

[Brian Green]

Kick. Wow. What a great origin story. Feel like this is Star Wars. The Clone Wars. I feel like we're watching the bad three movies of Star Wars.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Chrissy]

And then I learned about the Whatever chakra.

[Kristen Joy]

It all came to.

[Brian Green]

It all came to fruition. Oh, why did you stop?

[Chrissy]

It feels like I've said something. I vomited something out of my system the whole time I was writing that book for 10 years. I love books. And yet I never read another book in that 10 years. Because I would go into an airport bookstore. I'm like, I love bookstores. And I would go in there and I'd like to. Books, books, books. And they called me.

[Kristen Joy]

There was nothing like a good airport bookstore.

[Brian Green]

That's right. I love bookstores. Especially the ones with People magazine.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah. And the nuts.

[Brian Green]

This guy is such a twad. First of all. Second of all, I love Beethoven, but I'm not going to direct the Boston Symphony pops anytime soon. You know what I'm saying?

[Chrissy]

But I would feel because you like.

[Brian Green]

Something doesn't make you good at it.

[Chrissy]

Guilty because I hadn't finished my book.

[Brian Green]

So for 10 years, even though you're a Professed book lover. You took yourself out of the book game.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So you didn't bother yourself about your own book?

[Kristen Joy]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

If I had that rule about podcasts, oh, it'd be a different podcast.

[Chrissy]

And I felt like. So I'd walk out of there. And I also didn't want to. I also didn't want to shift the. What I was trying to say. There was something in me that I had, that had been learned and fought for. And you know, I went. I was in the trenches with a mustard gas flying over my head. And I wanted to describe that experience.

[Brian Green]

How hard it must be. I was in the bars, I was telling women they were beautiful. I was cornering them. I was using their other friends as a way to get to them. I was doing a lot of the. And I just, I felt like I was in the trenches, you know, like real war. Chrissy. It felt like I was getting.

[Kristen Joy]

I was making any money.

[Brian Green]

Making money. Please.

[Kristen Joy]

Took me 10 years and didn't have any kind of book.

[Brian Green]

It took me 10 years to vomit this book up. My life experiences, my condensed version of whatever chakras. That's right. To. To tell you now. The secrets of Women's Arms. The alabaster arm.

[Kristen Joy]

Alabaster Girl.

[Brian Green]

I'm sure that's a New York Times bestseller, by the way.

[Chrissy]

And so for 10 years I didn't read another book. And now, honestly, guys, I feel devoid. I feel like I've said, this is my book. I'll show you.

[Brian Green]

Oh, how convenient.

[Kristen Joy]

Here's my book.

[Brian Green]

I'll show you. Here's my book. I'll give you a link to buy it. I feel devoid. Like devoid, Is that the right word? He should be using de void, maybe.

[Chrissy]

Incidentally, I know some of you have my book. It's here. It's called.

[Brian Green]

It's here. Here it is. The Bible we've all been waiting for. The Torah, the Dead Sea Scrolls, the manuscripts from Muhammad himself.

[Kristen Joy]

There's my vomit.

[Brian Green]

And the alabaster arm made by Zan.

[Chrissy]

Alabaster girl. And in Romania, where I have an apartment, I printed 2,000 of these books.

[Kristen Joy]

What? That was really your brand?

[Brian Green]

What is this? This is a pitch for your book. It's just an hour long pitch for your book.

[Kristen Joy]

Romania.

[Brian Green]

In Romania, where I have an apartment.

[Kristen Joy]

I thought he was going to say where my book was published, but he just said we're having apartment.

[Brian Green]

That's right. In London, where I live under a bridge. I have 2,000 copies of this.

[Chrissy]

I have a thousand left. I give them away. So if you Want a signed copy? When I go back to Romania, I'll sign it, send it to you in the mail. Just pay for shipping.

[Brian Green]

79.99. Yeah, I'm shipping it from Romania.

[Kristen Joy]

I'll give you a free book.

[Brian Green]

Free book. Just pay the $627 shipping and handling from Romania, the girl dot com.

[Chrissy]

And I've got a thousand left, so as soon as a thousand are gone, done. But that's the book.

[Brian Green]

Wow, what a rousing success. I don't know if I'd be bragging about that. I made 2,000 copies. I gave a thousand away, and now you too can have one. I'll sign it for you.

[Chrissy]

And you know, that was three years ago. I published this thing on my birthday, and I haven't cracked it since.

[Brian Green]

Who cares? Who cares? Who keeps looking at the crowd like some bit of wisdom came through there? I haven't cracked it since I realized how terrible it was and I decided not to go back. All right, let's take a break. We'll be back with more song in just a minute.

[Christina]

Well, thank the baby Jesus. Brian took a breath. And now I will use this opportunity to let you know that we've got a brand new phone number. That's right. It's 212433. And you can text us anytime you want, or you can call and leave us a voicemail. And we might just use your message on the show once Brian gets through all the messages he missed last year. Of course. Anyway, you can also find and DM us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok, CBpodcast. And of course, all of our audio and video is easily found on tcbpodcast.com Now, I'm going to thank G one more time that we have sponsors. So thank G. And here they are.

[Brian Green]

All right, then, we're back from the slightly condescending liners. I love it.

[Chrissy]

It's like that conversation is done.

[Brian Green]

Oh, Zahn is talking about how after 10 years, he took 10 years to write the book, and after writing the.

[Kristen Joy]

Book, after three years, he's only sold half. Yeah, he's.

[Brian Green]

Well, he didn't sell half. He gave away half is what he said. And now he's. You two can be the proud owner of a signed cop copy just by paying the $7,622 in shipping and handling from his apartment in Romania. Yeah, it's everything. Everything.

[Chrissy]

I honestly, it's everything I ever knew or learned in my entire life to that point about sexual polarity, masculine edge.

[Kristen Joy]

Turns out It's.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Turns out didn't work so well. I tried to get on the commercial break. They wouldn't even have me.

[Chrissy]

The female spirit and.

[Brian Green]

And the Tigris and the Euphrates, I've written about a lot.

[Kristen Joy]

Is he having a therapy session like in front of conference?

[Brian Green]

If this is the way that he processes information to write a book, I can see why it took him 10 years. Literally five minutes into this video and we haven't heard anything except for. About his book.

[Chrissy]

Yeah. So I feel like I'm coming on stage here. I thought for a couple days, what can I say? And the only thing I'm going to.

[Brian Green]

Do just talk about how I wrote my book. The only thing I'm gonna do is show you my hairless armpits. Oh, how did that happen?

[Chrissy]

It's just kind of like the only thing that has interest me now is what I'm trying to understand for myself going forward. My next 50 years. My next book. The only thing has any.

[Kristen Joy]

It will take you 50 years.

[Brian Green]

This dude's having a midlife crisis on stage. He's like. I was trying to think about what I was gonna say and then I. All I care about is the next 50 years. That's all I care about. Way to be in the moment with those heart chakras. Yeah.

[Chrissy]

He wheels for me at all. So it might be like scattered and messy and I really don't have a nice opening and crescendo.

[Brian Green]

We noticed, right? We're on to your.

[Kristen Joy]

That's why successful speeches, you can hear.

[Brian Green]

The people leaving out the back of the room tick, tick, tick.

[Chrissy]

I don't have it, so I'm just gonna riff on a few things that I've been thinking about.

[Brian Green]

Oh, great. This is what I came here for, man. When Z rips gets real, that's where the good stuff is. You gotta listen to a lot of. But there's little nuggets of wisdom in there. Like that time he talked about the whatever chakra. I feel like Zahn had one really nice performance with the whatever chakra thing and now he's living off of it for the rest of his life.

[Chrissy]

I hope you get value from it. My voice sounds a little scratchy, but oh, well.

[Brian Green]

This guy's giving a master class in speeches. Why doesn't this guy have a TED Talk? Whatever. Besides all that, all what you just told us. It took you 10 years to write a book that never sold a copy.

[Chrissy]

You have enough information. You've been consuming information for 10 years on an average here with Books, ebooks, seminars, forums, Facebook groups, forums, forums, programs, DVDs, stuff you've done. YouTube videos.

[Brian Green]

And then we're going on to Wisconsin, and then we're going on to Detroit, and then we're going on to Arizona. Information.

[Kristen Joy]

I mean, I'm bad for anybody that.

[Brian Green]

Has actually paid money to see this. Well.

[Kristen Joy]

And that has done all of those things. They're talking. He's talking about books, ebooks, DVDs. Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Green]

I mean, it's just forums, Facebook. I get it. I get that being single is hard. It's really difficult. And I understand that it does not come easy to a lot of people. And there's a lot of lonely guys out there. And I don't cast aspersions upon the people in the audience because they are just looking to make a connection. They need some answers. They would like something to help them get over this anxiety or crippling stuff.

[Kristen Joy]

Comedy show.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Or they paid to see Zahn talk about how it took him 10 years to write a book. He's got nothing more to say. It's all in the book.

[Kristen Joy]

It's all. You have it. You have the information.

[Brian Green]

You already have the information. By the way, thank you for spending $6,000 to come to the 21 convention. I'm here to tell you you already have the information. Buy my new series for $49.99 a.

[Chrissy]

Month today, and you have it packed in your head so you don't need more information from me.

[Kristen Joy]

Well, we're not getting that.

[Brian Green]

Well, great. Glad I decided to show up. I could have slept in, but no, I came down here to see this asshole.

[Chrissy]

The thing I want to get, if I can tonight, and I'll try, is to get kind of a spirit. Maybe you can feel what I've been trying to understand myself and what I'm still trying to understand going forward, struggling.

[Brian Green]

To find stuff to talk about. This is so. This is funny. I feel like this would. This is me when I speak sometimes. Like, I'm. Like, I'm just gonna disconnect.

[Chrissy]

So I'm not gonna. I don't know. I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna wing it.

[Brian Green]

You just spent five minutes talking about how you're gonna wing it. Just go ahead and wing it. We know. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy]

Flies.

[Brian Green]

Flies on. Leave the nest. Go, little birdie.

[Kristen Joy]

Or maybe take tips from your own book. Talk about those.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's exactly what you should. I was just thinking the same thing. Like, pick a chapter and start reading it.

[Kristen Joy]

Just open it.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Because there's only a Thousand copies left. Not everyone's getting one.

[Chrissy]

Information you have.

[Kristen Joy]

And what a way to think ahead. Where you go to a convention where you could possibly sell those books that you have.

[Brian Green]

Have.

[Kristen Joy]

But you didn't bring them with you.

[Brian Green]

No, you forgot to bring them with you.

[Kristen Joy]

They're in Romania.

[Brian Green]

Well, I think he knows how well that's going to go over already.

[Chrissy]

The information age has run its course. It really has because.

[Brian Green]

Oh, oh really? We don't need information anymore.

[Kristen Joy]

Of course. That's so information.

[Brian Green]

That's so 2024, January 21st.

[Chrissy]

Look at the misinformation that's out there everywhere now.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. You're part of the whole throwing it out there.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Chrissy]

The information age has run its course. It's overwhelmed with misinformation and you have enough in here. So now the only task from this time forward for the rest of your.

[Brian Green]

Life is focus on your tick chakra. Cut the sleeves out of all your shirts and get to work, boys.

[Chrissy]

How to take this massive amount of information that you have consumed and to lower it down here into your heart, lower it down into your, into your gut and into your balls.

[Brian Green]

I'm sorry, I'm laughing like a clown. All this information in your head, push it down to your heart. When you're done there, push it to your gut and then right to your nut sack. That's where that information belongs. The score of the Mets, Yankees, straight to your balls. Who's going to become president in your nut sack? Oh my God, this guy.

[Chrissy]

So you can feel something, right?

[Brian Green]

The one guy who's in the crowd with a trench coat whacking off. I got the USA Today down near my nuts, I'm whacking it off. I'm on a hoof post right now with my nutsack.

[Chrissy]

So instead of like talking to women like, hey, nice to meet you, what are you doing later? It's all, it comes from here, comes.

[Brian Green]

From your ball, comes from your nuts. This, this is really where our idea about having a pair of underwear where you've got the, you can just drop the little trowel. You know how in the old cartoons they used to have a little back flap?

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

You know the old cowboys, they had the back flap on their long johns. They could just take a. Whenever Chrissy and I had an idea about the DD canter, the wine tasting with your testicles.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

That you could just have a little flap that you would open up and then your balls would drop into the wine. But I feel like this has now got multi purpose.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I feel like along with cutting the sleeves out, you should cut a little hole out for your nuts. Stuff and act to drop when you're talking information. Hey, ladies, I've got some information for you, but it's down here. Hey.

[Chrissy]

I'm just gonna say I like girls and you look like one. That's all I know.

[Brian Green]

Just saying, oh, my God.

[Chrissy]

Comes from here.

[Brian Green]

By the way, that room sounds packed. Yeah, that's like a TCB audience right there. I shouldn't make fun because I'm not sure we could fill the room either.

[Chrissy]

There's something that downshifts into your body. If you're hanging out with me ever. I'm like, hey, joke, joke, fun, talk, talk, blah, blah, blah, fun, fun.

[Brian Green]

If you ever hanging out with me, you're like, fun, fun, laugh, laugh, talk, talk. Can you pick up the bill? Do you have a couch I can stay on?

[Kristen Joy]

I just have a carry on.

[Brian Green]

I one time almost had a wife.

[Chrissy]

Talk, talk, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like. I'm like anybody else. As soon as there's women, something in.

[Brian Green]

Me downshifts into my nuts. I can steal it into my nuts. I feel like this is an episode of the Office where Michael keeps saying, that's what she said. That's my joke. Damn it, Dwight.

[Chrissy]

And there's something to me that kind of like. It's like, what's this shape triangle? What's that video game? Mortal Kombat. And it's actually something that is shape charged for her. That's right. You felt that. I get it. I'm over here with my buddies.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy]

That's what you're gonna go. That's the way you feel with a girl.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I should envision myself as a Mortal Kombat character throwing laser beam, whatever, through my dick chakra over the. Across the room.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, you're not going away. So there's something in. And if you can catch a glimpse or catch the spirit of that, get it out of your head. We're all in our head. You know, you get a negative thought. Let's say you go to a party.

[Brian Green]

And I feel like this is like a guy who just tripped on ayahuasca but isn't really sure how to explain what he just saw. So he's like. Like, if you can just. If you can just. If you just imagine it, just imagine it. What. What do you want me to imagine?

[Chrissy]

You don't know anybody there, but you want to be interesting and kind and cool and interact and so you're like, get up my nerve. Get in state. I'm going to talk to this girl over here. Hey, hey, what are you drinking there? Whatever you say. And she's like, she walks away.

[Brian Green]

She says, leave me the fuck alone.

[Kristen Joy]

Oh, my God.

[Chrissy]

And now you get in your head, you get this negative thought you had that says, well, that sucked. Just like this speech, she just reinforced that I suck. You get this negative thought that circles around your head, you know, and it's like a bee. If you have one bee circling around your head, it's kind of a nuisance. If you have three or four, that's your whole world.

[Kristen Joy]

You haven't washed yourself in a while.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, Put some Fenile Sassoon in that hair. Which is true of Zod.

[Chrissy]

You have three or four bees sticking around the head. Doesn't matter what else is going on. That's the only thing you can think about or concentrate on is that. And these bees circle around your head and these thoughts build upon their. The thoughts. And then you think, well, yeah, I'm not interesting enough, obviously, and I don't know anybody here, and this is stupid, and I feel awkward. And the thoughts, the negatives.

[Brian Green]

Let's give credit to where credit is due. Zahn is saying something that kind of makes sense here. It's like if you're in your head and, you know, you're at a bar and you're trying to find a romantic connection or wherever it is at a place, and all you do can can think about is how miserable you actually are and how, you know, that's crippling self doubt and the anxieties, well, that you do have to get out of your head a little bit, but not into your ball sack. Like, leave it somewhere between your belly and your chin. Right, Baloo?

[Kristen Joy]

Got it.

[Chrissy]

Thoughts stop, jump on top of each other and accelerate and accelerate. And this swarm of bees goes around your head and you can't escape it. There's a whole doctrine out there that says, oh, change your thoughts, Your life will change. Change your thoughts. Your thoughts. You can't. Those thoughts are faster than you are.

[Brian Green]

You can't. You're literally. I feel like this guy is like the miserable Wayne Dyer dressed all in black, shows up kicking his feet. You suck. I suck. I took me 10 years.

[Kristen Joy]

You can't.

[Brian Green]

You can't. You literally are doomed to die like this.

[Chrissy]

You can outrun the bees. They're circling perfectly. And if you're running as fast as you can, they're still circling perfectly.

[Brian Green]

It seems like that resonated with the crowd. They were all like, yeah, I actually paid money to feel better about myself. I was hoping.

[Chrissy]

Cannot run it.

[Brian Green]

So don't read my book.

[Kristen Joy]

The anabaster I can bear to open.

[Brian Green]

I can't look at it. It's a sign of my abject failure. It's kind of how I feel about the commercial bank. Sometimes I'm like, I don't want to turn it on. Oh.

[Chrissy]

How then do you take this knowledge you have in your head and downshift it into your body so that now you're speaking from the way you feel as opposed to speaking from the way you think I feel this. That's all I know. Just saying.

[Brian Green]

Just say it. My balls are rock hard for you.

[Kristen Joy]

No, it's like anchorman Ron Burgundy.

[Brian Green]

He is like Ron Burgundy. I don't know what to say. I'm in my head. So talk to my balls. Yeah. My balls are literally on fire for you. You. This is like a bad episode of the Office.

[Chrissy]

How do you downshift it? That's a good question.

[Brian Green]

He's a wealth of information. He knows it all. He really does. All right, I feel like we're going to leave it on a punchline because it seems like Zahn is having a breakdown there. Live in front of four people. Poor guy. I kind of feel bad for him. I'm like, well, zoom on. Hey, you chose the profession. That's all I got to say. Dude, come on, man.

[Chrissy]

You.

[Brian Green]

It sounds like you actually are on to a little bit of self awareness here. If you could just use your powers for good.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Not for teaching guys how to use their dick chakra to attract women from across the room with their Mortal Kombat ziz, or whatever the you're calling it.

[Kristen Joy]

Just saying.

[Brian Green]

Just saying. Just saying. That's what she said. Oh, well, you know, what are you gonna do? Takes all kinds, Chris. That's what I've always said. That's what I always will say. I don't know why.

[Kristen Joy]

He just was providing no real information.

[Brian Green]

But there was no information. We garnered no information from that. Except maybe toward the end, where he realized Zahn might be coming up a little bit. But that's okay. I wish him the best. I really do. Zahn, come on the commercial break. We'll talk this through. But, yeah, we'll talk it through. I. I extend you an invitation. The one and only. Only POIs that I extend an invitation to is you. And possibly Adam the liar. But I'm bringing you on for two different reasons. Adam. I'm going right to Adam. You. I might. I might take A little more tax because it seems like you need some help. Yeah, and I don't have any help to give you, but I just think it'd be funny to talk about it on air. All right, tcbpodcast.com that's where you go. You find out more information about the show. And Chrissy and I, you can watch all the video, listen all the audio, it's right there, all at one location. Tcbpodcast.com we'd also like you to avail yourself of our 2, 000 copies of books that took us 10 years to write. It's called the piggy fronting sticker. And you know we've got some left, so if you'd like one, then go to the website, hit the contact us button, drop down menu says I'd like my free sticker, and then leave us your physical address. We will also sign that for you. Look, there's a lot of parallels between us and Zahn. I feel like this show is mainly me having a midlife crisis and talking. And we give away free. So do that on the website. 212-4333, tcb. That's 2124333, tcb. Questions, comments, concerns, contents, ideas, text them or use a voicemail at the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on tick tock and YouTube.com what the commercial break. All right, thanks, Sockville. I appreciate it.

[Kristen Joy]

I know that's a great one.

[Brian Green]

Okay, so that is definitely all I can do for today.

[Kristen Joy]

I think so.

[Brian Green]

But I'll tell you that I love you.

[Kristen Joy]

I love you.

[Brian Green]

I'll say best to you and best to you. I'll tell the audience best to you out there in the podcast universe. And then without further ado, we must say, we will say, and we're going to say goodbye, Sam.