Milky Pools & Jell-O Frogs

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Commercial Break — "Milky Pools & Jell-O Frogs"

Episode Date: September 18, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green, Krissy Hoadley
Producer: Christina

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Episode Overview

The episode opens with Bryan and Krissy launching into their signature freewheeling banter, covering everything from major news stories and pop culture scandals to the quirky mayhem of pool ownership and wildlife mishaps in Bryan’s backyard. True to The Commercial Break’s brand, the tone is irreverent, improvisational, and self-deprecating. Amid laugh-out-loud moments, the hosts discuss surprisingly heavy subjects (like the P. Diddy indictment) and swoop back to lighter personal anecdotes and hilariously mundane struggles (like fighting pool chemistry and frog invasions).

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Current Events & Scandals

[00:19–14:39]

• Fed Rate Cuts & Buying High: The duo starts by riffing on topical news — the Fed’s imminent interest rate cuts. Bryan shares a personal anecdote about buying a car the day before rates were set to drop, humorously admitting, "Buy high, sell low. That's how you get in on the action."

  "Including Brian and Astrid who just bought a car this morning. We couldn't have waited one fucking day?" — Chris Joy [01:38]

• P. Diddy’s Arrest & Allegations:
  The mood briefly turns serious. Bryan recaps the breaking story of P. Diddy's arrest and lengthy indictment involving severe allegations. The hosts unpack rumors about Diddy’s behavior, connections to other celebrities, and draw parallels to past scandals.

  "This is like next level. Harvey Weinstein looks like a creepy old guy compared to P. Diddy." — Bryan Green [06:51]

• Blackmail & Victim Shaming:
  Discussion moves to how such abuse is perpetuated — through intimidation, blackmail (sex tapes and photos), and victim-blaming.

  "He would video it or take pictures or both and, and then use that... Against them as blackmail." — Christina [11:11]

• Reflection on Power & Consent:
  The hosts are baffled at Diddy’s choices with his fame and resources.

  "You could have had it all and been the nice guy. You could have paid those sex workers handsomely just to get freaky with you… But then tearing their lives apart and tearing their bodies apart... that doesn't even make any sense." — Bryan Green [14:00]

2. The Wild World of Backyard Pools

[15:49–39:33]

• Bryan’s Ongoing Pool Saga: Bryan tells a running saga of pool maintenance disasters:

  • Filling his giant old pool with a garden hose (using 42,000 gallons, drawing the attention of the "water police" [20:03]),
  • Learning too late that the fire department could have filled it far more easily and cheaply,
  • The city eventually giving him a partial credit after a $2,600 water bill [21:39].

    "He comes, you know, I can see outside. I'm like, is that a police officer?... It's the water guy." — Bryan Green [19:49]

• Chemical Catastrophes:

  • Misadventures with test strips, pool shock, and massive baking soda dosing fog up his pool — “like putting cream in coffee”— leaving it milky white for days [27:25].
  • Hilarious sticker shock at the pool supply store: 522 pounds of salt needed (!) at $11.99 each, only to find it at Home Depot for almost half price afterward.

    "The entire bottom of the pool is just covered in salt." — Bryan Green [32:39]

• Backyard Zoo:
  Wildlife intersects with pool woes:

  • Squirrels bathe and sharpen their teeth poolside [23:44].
  • A frog takes a ride in Bryan’s shoe, with more frogs and a dead mole found in the pool skimmer [34:23].
  • The pool is jokingly described as a “gay squirrel bathhouse” and a “P. Diddy party gone wrong”—complete with frogs and moles swirling around amid the chemicals.

  "It's a whole scene. It is a whole scene going on there." — Chris Joy [36:19]

3. Bizarre Lists: Rude Cities & Sexual Satisfaction

[40:41–51:22]

• The Rudest Cities in America:
  Bryan delights in reading from new, questionably sourced lists:

  • Miami, FL, is named the rudest city, with others like Philadelphia, Tampa, Louisville, and Oakland ranking high.
  • They joke about shifting city demographics, aggressive drivers, and changing cultural vibes.

    "The driving is super aggressive. That to me is an indication of a rude person…they just move over. And that…is a person who's not self aware." — Bryan Green [42:32]

• Most Sexually Satisfied States:

  • Oklahoma tops the list ("I see a bunch of white people having missionary sex in Oklahoma" — Chris Joy [48:45]), followed by Kentucky, Texas, Maine, and Iowa.
  • Least satisfied? Alaska.

    "Maine is number four. Was so fucking cold up there. Everyone just fucks all the time. That's all they do." — Brian Green [50:05]

4. Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Pool Maintenance:
  "My pool is a hot fudgeing mess. It's a hole that I throw money into just constantly." — Bryan Green [15:50]

• On Buying Pool Chemicals:
  "So I, you know, mortgage my house. I get 12 boxes of this and all this other. I pour it in the pool..." — Bryan Green [26:12]

• On Wildlife-Inspired Dissatisfaction:
  "There's a dead mole. This isn't a baby, though. This is like an actual mole... and sitting on top of it is a frog alive. And it's swirling around with it. It's like, ah. The wheels on the bus go round." — Chris Joy [33:33]

• On Reflecting Pool Reality:
  "After five years of having this thing, six years, seven years of having this thing, none of my family members want to come over and swim...Now I wonder, there's a snake hanging from the tree. Frogs having a disco. Moles just drowning themselves..." — Bryan Green [35:49]

5. Listener & Show Updates

[16:28, 39:33, 52:30]

• Several reminders for listeners about upcoming live shows in Dania Beach (Sept 24) and Orlando (Sept 25), and calls to follow on social media or reach out via text.
• The hosts bemoan the chaos of prepping for tour and joke about selling out venues for hundreds of (jokingly exaggerated) dollars.

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Notable Timestamps

• P. Diddy Allegations Breakdown: [03:21–14:39]
• Pool Mayhem / “Milky Pool” Story: [15:49–39:33]
• Rude Cities List: [41:11–46:51]
• Sexually Satisfied States List: [48:04–51:03]
• Wildlife Pool Party (“Jell-O Frogs”): [33:05–36:19]
• Wildlife & Family Avoiding the Pool: [35:49–36:17]

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Tone & Style

The episode swings between pointed social commentary and playful absurdity, laced with self-mockery:

• Bud Light-fueled nostalgia and mock-heroics about drinking ("I, I single handedly made the Budweiser stock go through the roof..." — Chris Joy [10:26]).
• Openly admitting defeat at Home Depot, bafflement at chemical instructions, and the endless “man-vs-wildlife” conflict at home.

Signature TCB randomness shines through, “embracing the chaos” as is their hallmark.

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Conclusion

"Milky Pools & Jell-O Frogs" captures TCB at full tilt—gleefully sidetracked, unexpectedly thoughtful about serious news, and relentlessly relatable about petty domestic disaster. The episode embodies their “cheesecake factory of comedy podcast” reputation: messy, overstuffed, and perfectly imperfect.

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Best to you, cats and kittens!

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For more goofy tales, live show dates, or to join the pool party (squirrels not included), visit tcbpodcast.com.

Transcript

[Brian Green]

If you want to come over, we made Mac and cheese, croutin weenies and.

[Chris Joy]

Bread and butter, pickles.

[Christina]

And we're going to watch something scary on Hulu.

[Brian Green]

On this episode of the commercial break. And he goes, yep, you're low on chlorine. And I go, oh, okay, great.

[Chris Joy]

How do we do this?

[Brian Green]

And he goes, well, you're going to want to shock the pool first.

[Christina]

You have to shock it.

[Chris Joy]

Shock it.

[Christina]

I've heard of that.

[Chris Joy]

Yes. It's a thing. Shock it. I'm going to scare you now with my wicked ways. You'll be. I'll scare you clean.

[Brian Green]

The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Yeah, boy. Oh, yeah.

[Chris Joy]

Cats and kittens.

[Brian Green]

Welcome back to the commercial break.

[Chris Joy]

I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co host of this show, Chris Joy.

[Brian Green]

Totally.

[Chris Joy]

Best to you, Chris.

[Christina]

Best to you, Brian.

[Chris Joy]

Best you out there in the podcast universe.

[Brian Green]

Thanks for joining us. What a day of news.

[Christina]

Whoa.

[Brian Green]

You're hearing this just a day after we're recording it. Usually we don't, we don't. Usually we're not this timely, but today we are, and I might say, matchy matchy.

[Chris Joy]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

We look very color coordinated with the curtains and everything. I feel like we're bleeding into the curtains a little bit.

[Chris Joy]

We did not plan that, but here we are. Excuse me.

[Brian Green]

Wow, what a day. What a morning it's been for new. It is in. It is crazy. First of all, Fed set to cut rates for the first time in a long time tomorrow. Markets are responding positively. Economy still very strong. And this will mean great news for everybody who's borrowing money, including or not.

[Chris Joy]

Including Brian and Astrid who just bought a car this morning. We couldn't have waited one fucking day? But no. Waited one fucking day.

[Christina]

It's your old, it's my old method, staying true.

[Chris Joy]

Buy high, sell low. That's how you get in on the action. Buy a used car at the highest possible price, at the highest possible interest rate and then sell it when it's completely depreciated.

[Brian Green]

Anyway, I do have to say we use one of those online car services. I'll name it Carvana. And the experience was rather pleasant. They're not a sponsor of the show. I'll just share with you that they were pleasant because Astrid and I honestly.

[Chris Joy]

Don'T have the time to go looking for a car.

[Christina]

Just order it.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. So we knew what we wanted because we've driven this particular model before and, you know, so we said, go ahead and get it and they just delivered the car, took like two seconds. They delivered it. We walked around, they showed the id.

[Chris Joy]

They gave us the key. I could have been Joe Schmo up the street, honestly.

[Brian Green]

But anyway, that was interesting. So mortgage, mortgage rates, interest rates for credit card rates, all of that will come down and they're already at the lowest in a couple years. Years, number one. Number two, fucking Israel. That Mossad is insane. They are insane. Here's the story coming out this morning. None of this is funny. I'm just sharing with you some information I thought I'd share this morning. We start. People start getting reports out of Syria, Iran and Lebanon that people are going to the hospital en masse. Mainly fighters for Hezbollah, doctors for Hezbollah, other people associated with Hezbollah because they're pagers. That's how they communicate over there. Their pagers have exploded. Exploded, not overheated, exploded. Like there was a device inside the device that made it explode. And they all went off at 3:45pm local time. Thousands of them exploded. And so I. They dig a little deeper into the story to find out that Hezbollah had, you know, in just like any other formal organization, they decided to upgrade their tech back in March and get brand new pagers for this organization that does so much good around the world, Hezbollah. And get this, they all got new pagers back in March and April because Hezbollah spent money on new pagers, new, you know, encrypted pager system or whatever. And they exploded. And I will bet you do bought dollars to donuts. And we will figure out that this is the Busad that did this. And what an unbelievable operation. Just like they like, remember when the US and Israel slowed down the centrifuges in Iran with that Stuxnet or whatever that virus. They are crazy. They do some of the most crazy. I mean, that's like CIA times 10. God, making thousands of pages explode at the same time. Now, I am not about killing or maiming anybody, period, End of sentence. But you know, that's. That's a pretty intense. And job well done, if that's what your goal is. I would say that's pretty creative there. But number three and most mind blowing. There's four. But number three and most mind blowing P. Diddy is P. Diddy. God, this is insanity. Now when this lady, Cassie, I've been reading on the Internet for years that P. Diddy is closeted. That he is gay or that he swings both ways. I have read that he has a sex ring going on. I've read that he's freak. I've read that these parties get out of control. Lots of people have said this. It's not a secret. Including some celebrities who have been on this show. I won't name them because they didn't come on our show and say it. But I read this have been to those parties and exited themselves because it got so freaky. P. Diddy just got arrested a couple hours ago as we're recording this. And the indictment, or part of it that was read by one of the prosecutors out of the AG's office in New York. The details are absolutely mind boggling.

[Christina]

Yeah. The extent of the whole thing because you have, I mean, throughout the years you've heard snippets here and there and it kind of has that bad boy image and whatever. I mean, his record company was Bad Boy Records.

[Chris Joy]

Yeah.

[Christina]

And you know, he kind of has that image anyway, so you think, ah, he's freaky.

[Chris Joy]

He's a freak.

[Brian Green]

Okay, who cares?

[Christina]

Like really that wrong. But when you hear the whole thing, I mean, it snowballed after Cassie. Now all of these people have come out. But then to hear the whole indictment, I mean to list everything that was actually.

[Brian Green]

And that wasn't even everything. The indictment apparently is like 68 pages long. He just read portions of it. But I got to say, we listened to it and it was absolutely like gobstopping. That's just the only way that I can put it here is how I assess the situation. P. Diddy for decades has been drugging, assaulting, setting up parties where male sex.

[Christina]

Workers sexually assaulting, violently assaulting, verbally assaulting.

[Brian Green]

Drugging, where male sex workers would come in and go to these what they called freak offs. Where P. Diddy would record it, choreograph it, stage it. And it was insane. They, when they raided his house, they took drugs, they took guns, they took thousands of bottles of lube and baby oil. Lube and baby oil. Sheets that they could use at hotel rooms, linens that they could put over chairs. They would lock people in hotel rooms if they got beaten, assaulted, or were otherwise hurt by Diddy or one of his other people. He got RICO charges, he got racketeering charges. You got to be fucked up to get some RICO charges and you will go to jail. The federal government very rarely loses these cases. Yeah, that means they've got the, the gun stacked against you. This guy was do. This is like next level. Harvey Weinstein looks like a creepy old guy compared to P. Diddy. And it's nothing to laugh at. I mean, how many victim are involved? You know that Aubrey o', Day, remember that Making the band that he did with the girl group. And that Aubrey O' Day girl who was like, on VH1 or some.

[Christina]

Yes, that's right.

[Brian Green]

For like 12 years, she's been saying, people will find out about P. Diddy. They will find out how much. How he up so many women's lives. Everyone was just like, ah, stop snitching. You're just, you know, you're being this, you're being that, you're being a rat. Whatever. You know, it's just a party. You agreed to it. Whatever. At the end of the day, I think she can feel pretty vilified, vindicated today. Because the truth is the truth. If it's the truth, this is. Of course, he is innocent until proven guilty. But he paid off his mansion two days ago. He paid off his mansion so he could use it as collateral in the court. He put his house up for sales. $35 million private estate in Miami on that Star Island. He put it up for sale three days ago. This guy knew this was coming. He knew this was coming. And this is. This is super intense. This will be the story of the fucking year as far as entertainment is concerned. This is so much bigger.

[Christina]

Oh, yeah. And now it's back into question two, where his longtime partner died.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Christina]

Kind of mysterious, that Porter.

[Brian Green]

Porter lady. Yeah, Porter. Kim Porter. Geez Louise. And now I just read right before we came on air that one of the vice. The executive vice chairman or president of Warner who was in charge, or partly in charge, partly responsible for bad boy records, resigned like 15 minutes after this indictment came out. Because it's likely that he's a part of this indictment. Because when you have RICO charges, it's not just you. You're not the only one going down. There are lots of other people that are going down with you. And this took a lot of manpower and setup and time and coordination, and lots of people had to cover up a lot of bad stuff. And one of the things that the AG said was back when he was in Los Angeles, we all saw that video, that terrible video. Beating up Cassie in that hotel hallway, know, dragging her by her hair, beating her up, throwing a vase at her, all that other. That was going down. He. The. The security intervened. They saw that in a security guard, Hotel security guard intervened. And according to the ag, the security guard said that he tried to Diddy, tried to hand him a stack of cash to shut up and make it go away. And maybe he did because we didn't hear about it at that time. So it's likely that this guy flipped and said, you know, I took the cash, but I'm willing to tell the story on the stand if you don't prosecute me and give back the money or whatever. I don't know how that's going to go. Give the money to the victim or whatever it is. What a terrible, terrible thing.

[Christina]

Terrible, terrible thing.

[Brian Green]

You got to be really fudgeing twisted. You know, at the time P. Diddy said, you know, I apologize. He came out of this video, this long video. I apologize. I had a problem with alcohol. I've since cleaned up my act. You know, no one should ever treat a woman that way. I have been drunk more times than most people will ever be drunk in their lives. And that's a fact. That's a solid fact. Okay. I spent 10, the better part of 10, 12, 15 years drinking Bud Light.

[Chris Joy]

Yes. I, I single handedly made the Budweiser stock go through the roof in the late 90s and early 2000s.

[Christina]

That's why it's not doing so well anymore.

[Chris Joy]

Yeah, that's right. I stopped drinking and all of a.

[Brian Green]

Sudden it went in the or. They sold the business to some Swedish company or something. I don't know.

[Chris Joy]

But I will tell you what.

[Brian Green]

I have never laid my hands on a woman in anger. Never.

[Chris Joy]

And barely in romance. I mean, I don't know what to.

[Brian Green]

Do with a girl. Look at me.

[Christina]

Well, the crazy thing is he's a huge star. He could have had whatever. I mean, he could have had. I don't understand. With the drugs, the drugging.

[Brian Green]

I don't know. I guess because it makes people easier. It makes them. Here's the thing. You get fucked up and then maybe you more willingly go along with something because you don't, your inhibitions are down. You don't understand.

[Christina]

That's right. He was using. He would video it or take pictures or both and, and then use that.

[Brian Green]

Against them as blackmail. He would say, I'll, I'll send this out to the Internet. And at the time, because P. Diddy is not out, like he has not been indicted. They haven't done this raid on his home at the time. You can imagine, it's P. Diddy. Yeah, it's the world against me. If I have some sex video that comes out and P. Diddy just, you know, puts it out. Serendipity, not surreptitiously through some third party. There's nothing I can do, right? I can't get it off the Internet. It's there forever. If I say it was P. Diddy it's going to. I'm going to sound like spoiled milk. I went to a party, I made a sex video, and it was with P. Diddy, you know, okay, P. Diddy has sex. Who fucking cares? Right at the end of the day. But now I imagine that lots and lots of people are going to come out and say that they were abused at the hand of P. Diddy and his entourage. And I hope they get every dime. I hope they get if it's true, I hope they get every fucking dime. Who hot? Who not?

[Chris Joy]

I'll tell you who not did he.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you know that I read that. That guy who did the song with him, I can't remember the. The guy's name. Mace. You know that I read that Mace is like a man of God now. He's like a born again or something, right? But he said he would never work with P. Diddy again. That P. Diddy, him over. In the end, he never did what he said he was going to do. And as soon as he had that hit song, as soon as he was. He used him, abused him, and then. Talk to you later. He never talked to him again. I mean, I think we're going to find out that P. Diddy killed Biggie. I think that's what we're going to find out. I think we're going to find out.

[Christina]

I'm not surprised at anything now.

[Brian Green]

I think we're going to find out. At the very least, he had a hand in it. At the very least, he had a hand in it. I've always suspected this, and I think. I think I might be right. What a terrible and depressing story. And, you know, usually this is a comedy show, but it's hard to ignore this one. It's hard not to say something about this one. It is just. It's beyond the pale. How do you. How do you live your life like that for decades and decades, knowing you're just hurting people so intensely and the smile on the red carpet and fly in your private jet. Remember that white boy they caught and he had like a bunch of like a pound of cocaine and some oxycodone or something?

[Chris Joy]

He was like, I don't know, it wasn't me.

[Brian Green]

He had those guys all over the place. Yeah. Listen, P. Diddy, if I talked to you decades ago, and I understand that it's hard to be. It's hard to be gay in some cultures. I understand there's a lot of cultures that still don't accept that, including the Latin culture. I understand that. And I. And I'm not Latin and I am not African American. But I also. I also am not a dumb. Dumb. I understand that. There's just some stereotypes that still run around. But, dude, you could have had it all, no matter what. You were freak in the bed. You could have had it all. You were gay. You could have had it all. You could have had it all and been the nice guy. You could have paid those sex workers handsomely just to get freaky with you. There's people that are willing to do anything for anything.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Some people out of love, some people out of money. Some people out of what? But then tearing their lives apart and tearing their bodies apart and tearing their minds apart is like, that's just a fucked up. That's insult to injury. It doesn't even make any sense. You had more money than God, right? You could have done anything. You could have paid people that were willing to do this stuff for you on a daily basis. And there would have. No one would have ever been upset by it. You know, look at me. Pay me a million dollars. I find that private.

[Chris Joy]

Yeah, sure, why not?

[Brian Green]

I suck a dick for a million dollars. Why not?

[Chris Joy]

I'm not too proud, Chrissy. I'm not too proud.

[Brian Green]

And I need the million dollars. I just got a new car from Carvana.

[Christina]

Yeah. Wow.

[Chris Joy]

I mean, let's be honest about it.

[Brian Green]

Let's be honest about it, right? Fourth thing I got to say here, this is. This is really incidental, but we talked yesterday a little bit about the terrible, terrible, second apparent assassination attempt of Trump. And that guy was hiding in the.

[Chris Joy]

Bushes for 12 hours. 12 hours. No one thought to check the perimeter? Check the perimeter in 12 hours? I know he's going to go golfing there tomorrow. And no Secret Service member thought to just check the perimeter? I'm not a security guy in any stretch of the imagination, but I check my perimeter like three times a day. I mean, I do.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Chris Joy]

All I find is that fat cat.

[Brian Green]

That keeps on running around my backyard, jumping on my fucking roof.

[Chris Joy]

Astrid heard it again last night.

[Brian Green]

I think she's like, oh, my God, there's something. And I was like, it's the fat cat.

[Christina]

I noticed that there was hair on my car the other day. Like yesterday, there was a little bit of hair.

[Brian Green]

Oh, maybe you.

[Chris Joy]

Maybe it's in your engine.

[Christina]

I was wondering if it was the cat.

[Brian Green]

It might be. I don't know. She's running around. It's a she. I think she may have been pregnant at one time and now is no longer pregnant because she's got that hangy belly thing going on. So there's probably a bunch of cats running around. Snakes, cats, frogs. I had a frog on my shoe the other day.

[Chris Joy]

I was cleaning out my pool.

[Brian Green]

My pool is a hot fudgeing mess. It's a hole that I throw money into just constantly. So I go up to the.

[Chris Joy]

Well, you know what? Let's take a break and I'll tell.

[Brian Green]

You the story about the pool. I don't get too far off, but I just want to say. So we check the perimeter. Number one. Number two, and we may have mentioned this. We may have not. Trump put out a tweet that says, I hate Taylor Swift.

[Chris Joy]

What the fuck, Trump? What are you doing? That is so ill advised.

[Brian Green]

I mean, just ill advised. Anyway. All right, I just thought I'd share that with you because I don't know why? Why not?

[Chris Joy]

I have a show where I have.

[Brian Green]

A microphone and sometimes I gotta kill time. That's it. Why not? All right, let's take a break. I'll tell you all about the pool when we get back.

[Producer Christina]

I know you're just dying to say I went to the bone Orlando on September 25th to see an extremely mid podcast and I had a pretty okay time. Well, we're creeping up on that time, so get your tickets at the link in our show notes and make those dreams come true. And I promise we are actually working hard to provide a more than mid show. We're also going to be at Dania beach improv on September 24th, so come see us there, too. Now, I would be remiss if I didn't take this time to ask you to follow us on Instagram. Hecommercial break. I know you're not tired of hearing this and on TikTok CBpodcast. And to let you know that all of our audio and video can be found on our website and tcbpodcast.com not on social media. Text us instead at 212-4333, TCB. While you're contemplating what hilarious meme to send us, let's listen to our sponsors and get back to the show.

[Brian Green]

Speaking of pools, look at that. Wow. That's unbelievable. That storm, the remnants of that storm that came through, it dropped like it pissed. Here in Atlanta.

[Chris Joy]

We need water so.

[Brian Green]

Bad here Atlanta, we're in a drought. As we had this big pile of wood, we took down an old fence with this big pile of wood. Nasty. We got one of those bags that they pick up, you know, big trash bags from waste management that they come Pick up with a truck and, yeah, haul away. And she let the pile of wood's still out there.

[Chris Joy]

And she's like, hey, why don't we just.

[Brian Green]

We'll just burn that. And I can't burn that. We're in the middle of a drought. And she's like, really? You just can't burn stuff. And I'm like, honey, this ain't Venezuela.

[Chris Joy]

You can't just set on fire. What are you thinking?

[Brian Green]

She got mad at me.

[Chris Joy]

It was pretty rude. Anyway. Anyway, so your pool.

[Brian Green]

My pool.

[Chris Joy]

All right.

[Brian Green]

Pool guys are expensive. Pool guys and girls are expensive to have come out here, right? And during the summer, it's almost a necessity because you would have to pretty much pay attention to it once every three to five days. And I'm just too lazy to do that. I learned that year number one with that pool, that that's not my style, right. So I decided.

[Christina]

Strong suit.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it's not my strong suit. Not my thing to do physical labor.

[Chris Joy]

Not a thing to be physical.

[Brian Green]

All right. All right.

[Chris Joy]

So I decide.

[Brian Green]

I got a pool robot and that thing. I've had it for years. You just press it and it vacuums up. And so, you know, once every two days, I'll go out there and cleans the bottom of the pool pretty nicely. There's a big pool. It was built back a long time ago when they made big pools. Now people have learned they're not so dumb anymore. They don't just make big pools square.

[Chris Joy]

Big pools that you just throw water.

[Brian Green]

Into every five days. My water bill is outrageous. So I. But you can lift up my bedroom window.

[Christina]

Wait a minute. Didn't we talk about the fact of how you filled up the pool?

[Chris Joy]

I filled up the pool with my hose. 43, 000 gallons at a gallon a minute. It took five days to fill up. And then I. I know I go to the water. People call, they come, they come.

[Brian Green]

They. We got these, like, these things called rain birds. Like, out, like this weird system that communicates wirelessly to the local municipality here and the local me. Yoko. Local municipality can see when someone's water is running. And they have, like, a system on there that if it's running for too long.

[Producer Christina]

Nice.

[Christina]

A nice check.

[Brian Green]

It pops up. An emergency. Then they send you a text. Then they send you three emails, and they phone call you. Of course, Brian answers none of those.

[Chris Joy]

So they send someone to the front door.

[Brian Green]

Guy comes, you know, I can see outside. I'm like, is that a police officer?

[Chris Joy]

Does he have a gun or a piece of paper. A man being served. Okay, So I open up the door. It's the water police. It's the water guy. He's like, hey, I just want to.

[Brian Green]

Let you know, I just went out there, check your meter. Your meter running? It's been running for about five days. And I go, oh, yeah, I guess I got a pool. I'm filling it up back there because you got a pool? And I go, I do. And he goes, what? You're filling up with a hose? And I said, yeah. And he goes, well, that explained it.

[Chris Joy]

You used about 42, 000 gallons. And I said, well, I know it's a big pool. And he goes, well, why'd you fill it up with a hose? I said, well, they're supposed to take a bucket from the sink. I mean, what did you want me to do? I was supposed to get water from my Samsung refrigerator, cup by cup. What did you want me to do? And he goes, well, it's pretty common knowledge. You call the fire department, they come fill it up for you once a year. And I said, what? And he goes, part of your taxes. He goes, most counties do it. And I go, what? And he goes, yeah. I go, really? And he goes, yeah, right.

[Christina]

Just as you're done.

[Brian Green]

Just.

[Chris Joy]

Just as the pool was finished. Like, he came within three hours of.

[Christina]

The pool being finished.

[Brian Green]

And I was like, oh, man, you.

[Chris Joy]

Gotta be kidding me. And he goes, nope. And then he goes, all right, then I just want to make sure. Bye. Like, no additional information needed. And I was like, you. You could have come on day one. He's like, well, we sent you two text messages, four phone calls of 26 emails. Well, I don't check those. I'm a man of the future. I'm beyond it. I get my messages, telepathy, you know.

[Christina]

About buy I sell less buy, I sell methods.

[Chris Joy]

That's right. So anyway, I was.

[Brian Green]

Luckily, the municipality gave me credit because the water bill was like $2,600, and they gave me a credit for like 2,000 of it, which was nice of them to do.

[Chris Joy]

But they don't give you credit when.

[Brian Green]

You got to refill the pool because haven't. Because that's rain here in Georgia right now.

[Christina]

It is. It's like a fine mist.

[Chris Joy]

It's like a mist, and then it just goes away.

[Brian Green]

It comes and it goes. It's more like a fog than a rain. It's like, you'll get moist, but it's not much. It's not going to fill your pool up. Last year, my pool Overflowed three or four separate times because so much rain and the over overflow. So anyway, all this lack of rain, leaves are starting to fall. You know, toward the end of summer, they die out and they start to fall. All the bodies that come in and out of the pool. So I tell my pool guys when. When the pool closes, I tell my pool guys, fuck off till next year.

[Chris Joy]

I don't want you to do it during the winter.

[Brian Green]

I got it. Because every two weeks, I just go out there and I clean it and redo the filters and fill it up with water or whatever. Well, I've been filling up with water literally once every five days. I have to turn that hose on for an hour or two because it's so dry here that it's just sucking up all the moisture. Plus the squirrels, the rabbits, the frogs, the lizards. I have a video, I swear to God. Little squirrel sitting on my, basically, windowsill. I have a fence. It goes to the side of the house. There's a window right there. I go in.

[Christina]

Squirrels are a nuisance, but they're so cute.

[Brian Green]

They are so cute. I can't kill a squirrel.

[Christina]

I know.

[Chris Joy]

Raccoons, watch out.

[Brian Green]

Squirrels, not so much. So there's this fence post right near my window. So I go in the other day, Sunday, we're all just lazying around. I go to get something from the side of my bed. Big old picture window right there. There's a squirrel.

[Christina]

And then they look at you.

[Brian Green]

And I. Yeah, I know. He looks at me. And then he knows.

[Chris Joy]

He sees I'm not a threat.

[Brian Green]

He goes, guys, he identifies.

[Chris Joy]

It's like RoboCop, Late Daisy, overweight white guy, not a threat.

[Brian Green]

All right? So he keeps eating. I'm like, what are you eating out there? So I take a video. I'm just taking a video because I can't see what he's eating. But then I realized it's a stick. He's, like, sharpening his teeth or something.

[Christina]

I'm not sure, because they have incisors. I just read about it. They have incisors that never stop growing, so they have to keep gnawing.

[Brian Green]

They whittle them down.

[Chris Joy]

Oh, yeah. I wish I had teeth and never stop growing. I got teeth.

[Brian Green]

I got. They just fall out. So I'm watching them on video and video, and then, you know, after, like, three minutes of me videoing, I'm just being fascinated by this guy just chewing on a stick. He jumps down, he goes. And he goes to the steps at.

[Chris Joy]

My pool, and he jumps on the first Step and starts giving himself a bath. And I'm like, I swim in there, dude. He's drinking the water. He's pouring water on his head. He's shampooing. He's doing under his armpits. I'm like, ah, that wasn't so cute. I'd scare you away. It is like a zoo in my backyard. Swear to God, it is. Yeah, I got hawks, robins, I got bird's nests.

[Brian Green]

I got snakes longer than my car. I got all kind of back there. Anyway, so I go. And I, I, I, I go to clean out the pool the other day. I'm like, okay, I gotta go. Pay attention to that pool. It's looking a little weird. It's not only is it, it's green. It's like green on the side of the walls. Not, like green green. But I can see if you own a pool, it's greening. And that means that it's either not enough chlorine or not enough ph. I don't know, something like that. Not enough ph, not enough bass, Something like that. I don't know anything about pool chemicals. So I have one of those test strips. I do the test strip. It's all out of whack, but I don't know what to do with it, the information.

[Chris Joy]

So I go up to the.

[Brian Green]

So I'm like, ah, it. I'll go up to the pool place, I guess, you know, I go up to the pool place and they got one of these neat machines that they'll take your strip or water, just like bring the water and they'll put it in there and it zips around and then it spits out this piece of.

[Chris Joy]

Paper and says, this is what you need to do to get your pool.

[Christina]

That's nice.

[Brian Green]

So I go up there. First time I go up there, this is like three weeks ago. Pool screen. Here's the test strip. He puts it in there and he goes, well, I really need the water to get a full picture, but I'll put the test strip information in there. He goes, yeah, you're, you're way, way, way low on pa. Your PH is just like, not. You're non existent. And I was like, oh, okay. He goes, that means that, you know, you're gonna get some growth on the walls because people, you know, dead skin cells and leaves and stuff like that starts. Squirrels, Squirrels bathing themselves. Snakes riding around on the bottom of the pool. Frogs.

[Chris Joy]

Yeah, frogs on lily pads bouncing around. It's like a scene out of a Disney World ride.

[Brian Green]

I don't know.

[Chris Joy]

So I'm like, okay, all right. What do I need to do to that? Well, you need about 13 gallons of baking soda.

[Brian Green]

And I was like, baking what? It's like baking soda, but it's for the pool. And I'm like, really? And he's like, like, yeah, don't worry.

[Chris Joy]

It's only, like, 48 a box.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, well, that's a lot of money. And he's like, yeah, you don't keep up with it, it gets out of control.

[Chris Joy]

You got to do something about it.

[Brian Green]

And I was like. And he goes, you probably need some salt in there, too. But let's start with step one. Let's kill that green, then come back to me in a week with pool water, and I'll test it again. And I was like, all right. So I, you know, mortgage my house. I get 12 boxes of this and all this other. I pour it in the pool. He says, when it's actually powder. He says, when you mix this powder in, put it in, like, a bucket. A big bucket or a big container, and mix it real good with water. Because if you don't, if you just pour it into the pool, the pool will get cloudy, right? And I'm like, okay, 10, four. So I got one of these big containers from the container store. I pour all 13 pounds of this stuff in there. I put a bunch of water from the hose, I mix it up, I throw it in. Yeah.

[Chris Joy]

Here'S $400 worth of shit for your pool. It'll make it pretty after. It makes it look like a disaster. So I swirl it up, and then I lug it over with my bad back, and I throw it in the pool. The lexicon goes in the pool, the whole thing. The container's in the pool, And I'm like, yes. It just flipped right over into the pool. So I was like, ah, whatever. I'll get it later.

[Brian Green]

But he said, it might make it cloudy. Chrissy. Imagine I am putting cream and coffee. That's what happened to my fucking pool. It just slowly started to, like, spread around the bottom of the pool. And within an hour, my pool was as white as a sheet of blank paper.

[Chris Joy]

White. And it stayed like that for four days. Four days. The kids loved it. They were like, it's snowing in the pool. And I'm like, I'm not sure we have a pool anymore, kids. I might just need to put cement in there. All right, so after four days, it slowly starts to settle down.

[Brian Green]

After four days, by the fifth day, it's clear. It's Crystal clear. It looks like something out of a magazine.

[Chris Joy]

I'm like, oh, wow, this is great.

[Brian Green]

Fantastic. So then fast forward another week and a half, which is like last weekend, and open up the blinds one day, and now it's, like, cloudy again. And I was like, oh, that's weird. The water's all cloudy, and I can see, like, green stuff, you know, just a little tint of green. And I'm like, well, I just put $400 worth of baking soda in my pool.

[Chris Joy]

What the fuck?

[Brian Green]

So I'm like, okay, this time I'm bringing the water. I get an empty bottle, I put some water. I go over there. The guy's like, oh, hi, man.

[Chris Joy]

How you poo doing?

[Brian Green]

I said, here's some water. Puts it in the machine out, spit something. And he goes, yep, you're low on chlorine. And I go, oh, okay, great.

[Chris Joy]

How do we do this?

[Brian Green]

And he goes, well, you're gonna want.

[Chris Joy]

To shock the pool first. Shock it.

[Christina]

I've heard of that.

[Chris Joy]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

It's.

[Chris Joy]

It's a thing. Sh. I'm going to scare you now with my wicked ways. You'll be. I'll scare you clean. This will come as a shock to you. You'd be shocked at how this works. So I say, okay, how do I do that? He goes, well, you need. But according here to this hair thing, you need 12 pounds of shock. And I'm like, 12 pounds? How much is that? And he's like $10 per bag.

[Brian Green]

And it's.

[Chris Joy]

The bag is like this big. And I'm like, $120 worth of shock. And he goes, well, that's step one.

[Christina]

That is a shock.

[Chris Joy]

He goes, step one. I go, yeah, I'm shocked. All right, I got it. He goes, that's step one. Okay, what's step two? He flips over the other side of the paper.

[Brian Green]

522 pounds of salt I need to.

[Chris Joy]

Put in the pool. 522. It's. The level is at a thousand. It's supposed to be at 4800.

[Brian Green]

Really out of whack, Chrissy.

[Chris Joy]

I. I want to fight. I want to sue the pool people.

[Brian Green]

I was gonna say, I wonder if.

[Christina]

They did something on their way out.

[Chris Joy]

They didn't do shit. Yeah. I think when I was gone one day, they were like, ah, I'll put some dead squirrel meat in there. That'll fucking it up.

[Brian Green]

So I'm like, holy.

[Christina]

522 pounds of salt. I mean, how. What is that? What kind of container does it?

[Chris Joy]

That's a £40 bags. I have to buy 13 of them. So now. And I got a bad back.

[Christina]

I got.

[Chris Joy]

I got a ruptured disc in my back. I'll be lucky if I can make it to Florida. I'm like, I'm not. What? So the guy said, I'll help you out there. Just get.

[Brian Green]

Come on.

[Chris Joy]

I'll just roll them on, roll your bones on over. I'll put you on a cart with the salt and we'll all go to the car together. Which was good because I had passed out at that point. I'm gonna spend $600 on chemicals for this pool. And that's just to get it even, right? That's like. I thought I'd get a heater, like I'd get that pool and be heated.

[Brian Green]

For that much money. So.

[Chris Joy]

Okay, all right. Okay.

[Brian Green]

Now I'm really shocked. And I'm like, wow, this is crazy.

[Chris Joy]

And he goes, yeah, you don't do it next year, it's going to be out of control. You'll be out of salt in the middle of the winter, and then that.

[Brian Green]

Thing will just die.

[Chris Joy]

He's like, you just, you'll be, you'll. You'll have all kind of there. Yeah, you'll just die. Your pool will just die. You'll walk out one day, it'll be pale and stiff. I said, we already turned it pale the first time. It'll turn into just jello gelatin swamp out there. You'll have frogs stuck in the jello, frozen squirrels and snakes. So I said, all right, well, I guess, you know.

[Brian Green]

So he helps me put all this in the car. 11.99 at the pool place. In my head, I was saying to myself, I know Home Depot sells salt, and I know they sell the kind of salt you can put in the pool, which is just basically like, it's super pure iodized salt, right? It's like big salt pellets. That's what it is.

[Christina]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

And I've seen it before at Home Depot. I think I bought a bag there once and I'm like, I know. Probably Home Depot probably gets this pretty cheap, right? But Brian is so enraptured with this whole thing, I can't think straight how much money I have to spend. And so I buy the salt at the. At 13 bags, 40 pound bags. And I managed to like park the car as close as I can to the pool and just flop it out there, take a big razor, cut them open, and now I got.

[Chris Joy]

I gotta like my.

[Brian Green]

The entire bottom of the pool. Is just covered in salt. And I'm like, okay, all right. So then I go to clean the filters to make sure that, you know, and by the way, because my pool is so big and I just have a regular motor on it, it takes two full days of the. Of it running for it to cycle one time. And so I'm like, okay, I'll just. Let me make sure that the. The actual baskets are clean so the water flows up appropriately.

[Christina]

That was a good thought.

[Chris Joy]

So I open up one of the baskets. Brian had a thought.

[Brian Green]

Open up one basket, throw the leaves out. Okay, cool. I open up another basket, but the basket is stuck at the bottom. It has been for about a year. Oh, the. The handle broke off, and so it's just stuck down there. That's okay. You gotta stick your hand in there. But I take a stick to, like, swirl it up just to make sure.

[Chris Joy]

There'S nothing living in there. Exactly.

[Brian Green]

There's a lot of times frogs like to go in there. They do like pool water. So I open the second one up and bam.

[Chris Joy]

Shocked. Are you shocked?

[Brian Green]

There's a dead mole. These moles, every year, they just fall in the pool and then they get.

[Chris Joy]

Sucked up and they float at the.

[Brian Green]

Top, and then they get sucked up into the. Into the basket. Dead mole. This isn't a baby, though. This is like an actual mole. It's like this big, and it's swirling.

[Chris Joy]

Around, and sitting on top of it is a frog alive. And it's swirling around with it. It's like, ah. The wheels on the bus go round. The frog on the mole goes around and around. It's just swirling. And I'm like, holy. This is a scene going on. What exactly is this? Like a disco? This is like a P. Diddy party gone wrong. It's a frog on a mole in a basket with salt and baking soda. It's crazy in there. So I'm like, oh, yeah.

[Brian Green]

So I go get a bag, plastic bag, and I put the poor mole and I throw him back for the cat to eat.

[Chris Joy]

And then I'm like, I throw a.

[Brian Green]

Behind the fence for the cat to eat. And then I'm cleaning out the pool. I'm doing the whole salting. And then I feel a little out of my shoe, and I don't pay much attention to it.

[Chris Joy]

I'm walking around the pool, I look down, and that fucking frog, that little frog, it's like this big. It's just hanging out of my shoe. It's just hanging there. I'm walking, it's hanging.

[Christina]

It Was used to hold none.

[Chris Joy]

Yeah, it wanted to take a ride. That's the laziest fucking frog ever. If something's not carrying it around, it's not going anywhere. So I'm like, what are you doing, dude? So I just keep walking around the pool with this frog on my thing. And then I go.

[Brian Green]

And then I'm thinking to myself, okay, I better get him away from the pool or he's gonna end up back in there. He's gonna get.

[Chris Joy]

It's not gonna be a mole to float on, and he's gonna get sucked into that basket. And so then I take this step toward the gate to go put him out there, and he jumps into the pool. And I'm like, son of a bitch. And now the frogs like to play a game. I have this big net, and I've caught so many frogs out of that pool. And when the net comes in the pool, the frogs, like, swim at a million miles per hour like Aquaman across the other side. You gotta chase those fuckers. And it's not easy. It was crazy, Chrissy.

[Brian Green]

It was crazy. There's a whole scene going on in my backyard.

[Christina]

I'm picturing every bit of it.

[Brian Green]

It's hilarious.

[Chris Joy]

Yeah. Then I wonder why after five years.

[Brian Green]

Of having this thing, six years, seven years of having this thing, none of.

[Chris Joy]

My family members want to come over.

[Christina]

And swim it, Right?

[Chris Joy]

I always offer them, like, here's the gate code. Come on back, whatever you want. No one ever takes advantage of it.

[Brian Green]

And now I wonder, they go back there. There's a snake hanging from the tree.

[Chris Joy]

Frogs having a disco. Moles just drowning themselves, committing hari kari right there. Squirrels.

[Brian Green]

You know, it's a squirrel bathing party.

[Chris Joy]

It's a gay squirrel bathhouse. They're just doing whatever they're doing. Shortening their teeth and bathing themselves. It's a whole scene. It is a whole scene going on there. All right.

[Christina]

I need another end, though, because you didn't tell me about the shock.

[Chris Joy]

Oh, I shocked the pool.

[Brian Green]

Okay. You know, for the first two days, it. It looked like it takes two full days. So this was, you know, over the weekend. And I woke up this morning, and it's crystal clear.

[Chris Joy]

Okay, well, I got it right for one day. It's gonna be right one day.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. But now the leaves are starting to.

[Chris Joy]

Fall because of fall.

[Brian Green]

And I know what's gonna happen. I'm gonna have to go buy 55 more pounds of baking soda, but I will.

[Chris Joy]

Oh, and here's the thing. Okay. All right, ready?

[Brian Green]

So then later on that Day Astrid.

[Chris Joy]

Said, ah, the kids broke the thing off the wall and we need a thingamabob and a jigger and this whole thing. And I'm like, okay, Home Depot.

[Brian Green]

My favorite place where I'm a total.

[Chris Joy]

Fish out of water.

[Christina]

You and I went there.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Christina]

Some two by fours or whatever.

[Chris Joy]

I know, we bought two by fours.

[Brian Green]

We were like, is that two by four?

[Chris Joy]

How do you know? How do you measure it? Is it four this way or two this way?

[Brian Green]

I'm not sure.

[Christina]

Like 30 minutes.

[Chris Joy]

I know. Well, here goes Brian, like zipping around.

[Brian Green]

Trying to find these four particular items, right?

[Chris Joy]

And just on a lark, I'm like, let me go check where that pool.

[Brian Green]

Salt was that one time. Let me go see. Now, remember, I paid 11.99 a bag for that.

[Chris Joy]

I go back to the pool area. 6.99 for a bag of pool salt. I got so fucked. I got highway wrong. Anyway, I zip around the entire. I made three trips around the entire Home Depot to get what I needed.

[Brian Green]

Because I couldn't figure it out. You should have seen me at the screw aisle. I was like sticking it in those.

[Chris Joy]

Little holes, putting it next to the measuring tape.

[Brian Green]

There was a guy walking up and down the aisle. He was helping somebody. And I gave him that look like.

[Chris Joy]

I didn't interrupt, but I gave him that look like, help.

[Christina]

I know that look.

[Chris Joy]

When you're done with him, help me. And he walked away. As soon as he got down, he looked at me and I was like. I went to go open my mouth. He turned around and walked out.

[Brian Green]

And I was like, yeah, okay. All right. So I make three trips around there. I pay for my. And my car is parked on the other side. So rather than go out the door right there, I go walk through the store to go out near the home and garden section and they putting up the Halloween. So Brian spent 43 minutes trying to get three items out of there.

[Chris Joy]

And then he goes and spends another 43 minutes. And I'm like, oh, something. I know. Minions blow up doll. I went to Home Depot and bought Halloween decorations. That's all.

[Christina]

You got some extra salt too?

[Brian Green]

I did not. But I will never be robbed again by that pool company. Which I won't say because they've been great to me on other occasions. But this time I got robbed. That lady, that guy told me to buy 522 pounds of salt. That's what I did. I could have saved myself 60, half the cost. Almost insane. Insane. All right, let's take a break and we'll be Back to wrap this all up.

[Producer Christina]

Coming at you live from my bedroom. It's your producer Christina, here to tell you to come to our live shows. We are going to be in Dania beach. At Dania Beach Improv. I think I said it right. On September 24th. And the funny Bone Orlando, henceforth known as the Bone on September 25th. It's coming up quick, so get your tickets ASAP. If you can't make it to our shows, don't worry. We still love and cherish you. But we do request that you follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCPodcast, because social media is very hard. Got something to say? Text us or call us at 212 4333, TCB and leave us an unhinged voicemail because that is something I am personally a very big fan of and I can't wait to hear what you have to say. Check out our website, tcbpodcast.com because there is a very glorious back catalog of audio and video that lives on our website. Just waiting for you to watch it. Now let's hear from our sponsors and we will get back to Brian and Chrissy chatting about who knows what.

[Brian Green]

Oh, I found some juicy information for you, Chrissy. I love these kind of lists that they put out about all the crazy. You know, I don't know who. Who's getting a grant for the type of research that tells you who's the.

[Chris Joy]

Horniest states in the country.

[Christina]

I know.

[Chris Joy]

And it's done by, like, science people like Mayim Bialik, like, those type of scientists.

[Brian Green]

I'm not saying Mayim did this, but. All right, so here it is.

[Chris Joy]

Sex life.

[Brian Green]

Oh, no. Let's go. I have a bunch of them, but here's. Here's one. The rudest city in America is what.

[Chris Joy]

Is who is which city?

[Christina]

Somewhere. I'm gonna think somewhere up north.

[Brian Green]

You would be wrong about this.

[Christina]

Okay. Somewhere in Texas.

[Brian Green]

You. You'd be wrong, but right. Ish. They're on the list, but they're not there. Miami, Florida. Miami is known as the. Is this year's rude or last year rudest city in the country? Yeah.

[Christina]

How do you study that?

[Brian Green]

I don't know. This is what they do. They. They take locals, people who have been there for a decade or more. So they consider them local. Right? A decade or more. And they survey them about their daily interactions. Like 46 different daily interactions that they may or may not have or have experienced. Like, you know, going to the grocery store, interacting with the clerk. Meeting people or saying hello to random people on the street or, you know, interaction in a taxi cab or at a lot.

[Christina]

I wonder if it's because of the different languages or something there. People kind of maybe just don't interact with people as much.

[Brian Green]

Listen, I fucking love Miami. I really do. I've been going there for a long time. I mean, I live not, not close, but I live within shooting distance of Miami and I love Miami. I love the culture, I love the people. I love the flavor of Miami.

[Chris Joy]

Haven't you been once?

[Christina]

I had a great time.

[Brian Green]

I've been there. Yeah. You've only been once. Really? Wow. I love, I love everything about it. And there's different parts of Miami, just like there's different parts of every big city. And this is one of the biggest. But I do have to say that I have noticed over the last five or six years, Miami has taken on a bit of a different tone and texture. The driving is super aggressive. That, and, and I am an aggressive driver. And this kind of driving is like super aggressive. Like someone traveling 186 miles per hour down the road under Ferrari with no police officer in sight, just cutting everybody off. And Pete, when you drive people, you'll get stuck in that traffic on I75, I95, and there'll be five feet in between you and a tractor trailer or the next car. And people will literally go. They'll just go over, just assuming that you're going to slow down and let them in with no blinker or anything. They just take, they just move over. And that to me is an indication of a rude person, a person who's not a self aware, who does not understand that there are other people around them that may or may not enjoy their lives. Also, also, I will say that my social interactions, especially in places like south beach, have been a little more curt, a little less polite. Unless I'm like at a hotel or something like that. Just. It just seems like there's a little chip on the shoulder of Miami. The demographic is changing down there all the time. Just like it is here in Atlanta. We live in. It's. It's a different culture here in Atlanta than it is in Miami. But we live in similar cities in the sense that almost no one is here forever. Oh, there are so many transplants. It's growing all the time. And the makeup, the like, you know, makeup. Black people, white people, Latin Americans, Russians, Ukraine, whatever it is, it's changing all of the time. That's what I love about Atlanta, actually. And that's what I love about Miami. I love the diversity. I love the diversity. I love that the Latin culture has really made its mark down on Miami. That's part of why I fell in love with Miami. But I don't know, maybe that doesn't sit well with everybody. Maybe there is a communication issue. I'm not really sure. They don't give the reasons why. They just say that people's satisfaction level with their interactions with other people in the city is not high. As a matter of fact, it's very low. That's why they got rude. A City in 2023.

[Christina]

Okay, get to the horniest.

[Brian Green]

Oh, the horniest will do. I'll have to do another show, but I'll tell you the other cities that round this out. Do you want to know the other cities around this?

[Christina]

Of course.

[Brian Green]

Okay. The biggest movers in of the year. This is not surprising. Other towns that have also experienced the same kind of growth and shift that we have seen here in Atlanta that they have seen down in Miami, Charlotte, Louisville, Austin, those places as rude. As rude.

[Christina]

Really?

[Brian Green]

Well, they didn't make the top 20, but they made the biggest mover list, meaning they moved up the charts. The largest amount of spaces, and that's like, you know, five or more, 10 or more. Whatever it is. What are the most. What is the top five? Louisville, Kentucky. Oakland, California rounds out the top five. And here, I'll give you the other one.

[Christina]

Louisville, huh?

[Brian Green]

Number one, Miami, number two. It's a map, so I have to keep looking around. Philadelphia, number three. Tampa, Florida. Number four. Oh, no, I'm sorry. One is Miami. Two is Philadelphia. Three is Tampa. Four is Louisville. Five is Oakland. Six is Boston. Seven is Memphis, Tennessee.

[Christina]

Memphis.

[Brian Green]

Eight is Las Vegas. Nine is Long Beach, California. Ten is Charlotte, North Carolina.

[Christina]

I'm. I'm surprised.

[Brian Green]

I am surprised, too, because really, when you think of Southern hospitality and Southern charm, it really is true, for the most part, I do think. But Charlotte is another, like, booming town.

[Christina]

It is.

[Brian Green]

And so maybe that doesn't sit well with everybody. Maybe people feel like all these outsiders coming in. The town that I've lived in for a long time doesn't feel good to me. And they're rude because they came to my town. Atlanta, nowhere. On the list of the top 25, Philadelphia and Boston, the only two northeastern cities which you would typically think of as the cities.

[Christina]

That's what I would think.

[Brian Green]

They get a bad rap. And actually, New York is one of the least rude cities according to this poll, which, hey, maybe they got. Everyone's leaving so maybe everyone's happy.

[Christina]

Go New York.

[Brian Green]

Like, hey, I don't like New York.

[Chris Joy]

I like New York.

[Brian Green]

Now that is it. You know, I don't know what to say. I don't know. I don't know how professional this is. I don't know who's doing these polls. But I will say that, you know, I agree with some of these cities. Long Beach, Las Vegas. Las Vegas is a miserable time. I'll tell you why. It's why everyone's miserable there. Because if you live there and you have to deal with all the fucking shitheads.

[Christina]

Exactly.

[Brian Green]

Every day. And I'm not talking about me and Chrissy because we're polite, but I'm talking about the rambling, rumbling drunks that just mosey on around the city. You got that damn F1 racing car thing that shut your whole city down for weeks on end. You got every event in the world coming there. You got those casinos where everyone's either miserable because they're losing money or think they're a millionaire because they made $10. You know, I can understand why living in a city like. Like Las Vegas would. Could really get under your skin.

[Christina]

Really hot. I was just there.

[Chris Joy]

It was 63 degrees.

[Christina]

Yeah, it was crazy.

[Chris Joy]

Yeah, it's fucking insane. It's fucking insane.

[Brian Green]

And I've been to Oakland, and my experience there was rather nice. But I can see how. I can see how some people might. Might think that. All right, sex life satisfaction. Let's go to that list. Another professional list done by the nia. The NIH are. You want to know, who do you think is the most sexually satisfied state in the nation?

[Christina]

Well, Virginia's for lovers.

[Brian Green]

Virginia is for lovers.

[Christina]

So Virginia, Oklahoma.

[Chris Joy]

Oklahoma. Oklahoma what? Go on. Oklahoma. Get on with your bad son.

[Producer Christina]

That's right.

[Chris Joy]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

Oklahoma. Shit.

[Chris Joy]

Oklahoma. I mean, I see a bunch of white people having missionary sex in Oklahoma.

[Christina]

I know, right?

[Chris Joy]

Maybe that's the key to sex satisfaction.

[Brian Green]

Just do it the good old fashioned.

[Chris Joy]

Way, the way the Lord intended it. One man, one woman, one penis, one vagina.

[Brian Green]

You know what I'm saying?

[Christina]

God.

[Brian Green]

Good for Oklahoma. They score out of seven. They score seven. Nine.

[Christina]

Exactly. Take this poll. Like, hey, can I ask you, are you sexually satisfied?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. It was like 11,000 participants, equally broken up into states or something like that. And then they all ranked their sex life satisfaction. The satisfaction with their sex life. This was both single people, people in all different kind of relationships, people of all different kind of orientations, and they rated their sex life from 1 I or 0 I have no satisfaction in my sex life to 7. I am very satisfied. Like the most kind of satisfied. So they got a 6.79. Geez. Astron's moving to Oklahoma tomorrow.

[Christina]

That was the highest.

[Brian Green]

That was the highest. Oh, 6.79. But 7 is the top score.

[Chris Joy]

Oh, 7 7's the top score.

[Christina]

I think he said 10.

[Brian Green]

Number 2 is Kentucky. 6.52. 4.

[Chris Joy]

Go, Kentucky. Yeah, it's the.

[Brian Green]

What is it?

[Chris Joy]

The blue state or something like that?

[Christina]

They're rude and sexual.

[Brian Green]

Sexually satisfied.

[Christina]

Louisville.

[Chris Joy]

Yeah. I didn't find Oklahoma City anywhere on that rude list. They're all jizzed out. They're like, ah, cool.

[Christina]

They're blessed.

[Brian Green]

All right. Texas is number three. Maine is number four. Was so fucking cold up there. Everyone just fucks all the time. That's all they do. Iowa, number five.

[Chris Joy]

Oklahoma. Kentucky and Iowa are the most sexually satisfied in the union.

[Brian Green]

They are.

[Chris Joy]

So there's nothing to do. They're all just having sex up there. All right, good for you.

[Brian Green]

And Maine.

[Chris Joy]

That's okay.

[Brian Green]

Six is Louisiana. Seven is Arkansas. I'll pass on explanation there. Eight is New Hampshire. Still cold. You just. All you want to do is just cuddle, snuggle up. Yeah. Nine is Joja.

[Chris Joy]

And 10 is South Dakota.

[Christina]

Okay.

[Chris Joy]

Wow. All of these.

[Christina]

A lot of Midwestern.

[Brian Green]

A lot of just states you wouldn't expect. Let's go to the big states and see what they're up to. New York is number 30. Illinois is number 28. California, number 45. Oh, the least satisfied state in the nation with their sex life. Alaska.

[Christina]

Alaska.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I'd be pretty miserable with everything, too. Yeah, I had to bundle up just to take a piss in my own house.

[Chris Joy]

That'd make me pretty upset too, wouldn't it? Yeah, I mean, you know. Hey, listen to each.

[Christina]

Very interesting.

[Brian Green]

Very interesting. I better wrap this up before the rest of my voice goes. I know.

[Chris Joy]

Seeing as we got live shows in less than a week and I'm unable.

[Brian Green]

To talk or walk or walk or.

[Chris Joy]

Digest food properly or stay awake for longer than two hours at a time.

[Brian Green]

I'm turning into Irving right in front of my own eyes.

[Chris Joy]

All right, we'll make it. We'll make it. Imagine we have to cancel because I can't talk. Oh, my God.

[Brian Green]

I'm really losing my voice. Well, better lose it now than then, I guess.

[Christina]

Rest up.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, Gotta get rest to take a big nappy.

[Chris Joy]

I need my nappy. I need my sleep. Sleep. Brian needs a sleep. Sleep. Wanna take a nap. Nappy, nappy with daddy. Do you want your Baby to what's your baby dog? What's your pinky? How about your chupa youtuber Your pinky, you moomoo. We got one baby and our youngest.

[Brian Green]

Needs all the accoutrements. Baby pink baby yellow baby. I gotta put four babies in there with her.

[Chris Joy]

A moomoo, a chupa, a binky banana baba a wawa. It's all seed. My pool and my youngest crib.

[Christina]

Crazy.

[Chris Joy]

The two scenes going on at this house or outside the house. All right, you heard it right.

[Brian Green]

We're gonna be in Orlando in Dania beach on the 24th of Dania Improv at Dania Beach. You can get links by clicking the show notes below. Going straight to Danya improv.com or go to our Instagram or our website, all those places. Don't go anywhere else to buy tickets. You're going to get ripped off. I promise you. We're going to be at the Bone. The Bone, the Orlando Funny bone on the 25th. We can't wait to see you. Go to the Funny Bone website links down below. Website or Instagram, all those places. You can find the authorized link to buy tickets. There are still tickets available. Don't let anyone tell you any anything else. They're going for $820. Chrissy. I saw over the weekend 820. It is crazy. What game are they playing? I think I don't get it. I don't know how to lose money. TCB podcast.com more information about Chrissy and I. All the audio, all the video right there. Get your free sticker, go to the contact us button, hit the drop down menu, give us your address and away the sticker will go. 212-43383 tcb 212-433-3822 at Instagram, at the commercial break on Instagram. TCB podcast on tick Tock. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.

[Christina]

I think so.

[Brian Green]

But I'll tell you that I love.

[Chris Joy]

You you best to you best you.

[Brian Green]

Out there in the podcast universe until.

[Chris Joy]

We see you live.

[Brian Green]

Chrissy and I do say. We will say and we must say goodbye. Ed, I have it.