Nor Land, Nor Sea, Nor John Cousteau!

Summary

The Commercial Break — "Nor Land, Nor Sea, Nor John Cousteau!"

September 4, 2025
Hosts: Brian Green & Krissy Hoadley

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Commercial Break delves into the deep (literally), as Brian and Krissy riff through a wild variety of topics all inspired by the mysteries and dangers of the ocean, maritime mishaps, deep-sea diving, and the unknowability of both Mother Nature and human behavior. They branch into tangents about luxury misadventures, true-life disasters, scary underwater creatures, and a hefty dose of dark comedy about drugs, legal highs, and the many poor decisions of both youth and adulthood—never losing the quirky, irreverent chemistry that defines the show.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Yacht Mishaps & Maritime Law

Timestamp: 05:56–10:16

• Brian shares a viral reel of a million-dollar yacht launch gone wrong: the boat flips upside-down within minutes of hitting the water.
  • "It goes into the water, tips over sideways and it's upside down in less than two minutes." (06:43, Brian)
• They riff on yacht insurance, with Brian introducing his uncle—apparently a world-renowned maritime lawyer involved in drafting major piracy and shipping-kidnap insurance protocols.
  • "He helped write a lot of the insurance and shipping rules around pirating and how insurance companies handle pirating and kidnapping..." (07:38, Brian)
  • Discussion expands to the persistence of modern piracy (not just in the Caribbean, but globally), with humorous anecdotes of amateur pirates, including failed boat thieves in Florida.
    • "They pull up next to a boat that I wouldn't target for pirating if it was me... and he falls into the water, grabs onto one of the bumpers and he's begging... because he doesn’t know how to swim." (08:11–08:49, Brian & Krissy)

2. The Harsh Life at Sea: Oil Rigs, Deep-Sea Diving, & Submarine Rescue

Timestamp: 10:16–19:38

• Brian & Krissy discuss perilous offshore jobs: friends and acquaintances who work months at a time on rigs, and divers responsible for repairing underwater internet cables.
• A lengthy and gripping retelling of a real incident (inspired by the Netflix documentary Last Breath), where a diver is stranded 300 feet underwater for over 40 minutes without oxygen—and miraculously survives.
  • "He had 29 minutes of oxygen. And whose oxygen ran out?... He was down there for, if I'm not mistaken, four and a half hours... after like 15, 20 minutes, he pops his eyes open. No brain damage, no nada." (16:56–18:07, Brian)
  • Theorizing how the cold and extreme pressure may have induced a state akin to suspended animation.

3. The Existential Terror of the Deep Sea (vs. Space)

Timestamp: 19:38–25:17

• Aversion to both deep-ocean exploration and space, with comedic horror at deep-sea specimen like the telescope fish:
  • "There are literally millions of species of whatever the fuck living under our feet... we have never discovered, we have yet to discover or study or name... that, to me, is insanity." (21:27, Brian)
  • Fear of albino, translucent abyssal creatures that appear in documentaries; joking that lake swimming is even scarier due to bacteria and parasites.
    • "Your body parts will float down and binocular fish will use its telescoping teeth to crush the last parts of you." (24:40, Brian)

4. Wild Water Stories: Family Fails and Broken Art

Timestamp: 29:36–36:02

• Brian recounts visiting family in Miami—his kids spilling grape juice on a million-dollar yacht and later breaking a (pricey) sculpture at a family friend’s home.
• Efforts to repair the damage, the generous yet ribbing attitude of extended family, and relief that at least he didn’t crash his uncle-in-law’s Mercedes.

5. Wealth, Generosity & Borrowed Luxury Cars

Timestamp: 36:15–37:22

• Krissy and Brian trade stories about friends with “invite you into it” wealth who have a casual attitude about letting others borrow luxury vehicles.
  • Humorous contrast: cautious joyrides in Aston Martins and Mercedes vs. the terror of breaking “rich uncle” stuff.

6. The Saga of Ryan Lochte: From Olympic Glory to Nitrous Huffing

Timestamp: 37:31–46:55

• The public downfall of swimmer Ryan Lochte is discussed with mock amazement: marriage, divorce, and his admitted addiction to nitrous oxide (whippets).
  • "If I think of dumb jock, I think of Ryan Lochte. He, like, epitomizes that." (40:00, Brian)
  • Lochte's rationalization (“Yes, there was drug use in the house, but never around the children”) is roundly mocked.
    • "The children live in the house, therefore you are around the children... Don’t be a lug nut, Ryan." (45:49, Brian)

7. Legal, Lethal, & Loopy: Drug Tangents (Nitrous, Kratom, 7-OH)

Timestamp: 47:17–58:57

• Worry over gas station and headshop legal highs, especially kratom and its ultra-potent derivative 7-OH (7-hydroxymitragynine), a powerful opioid not covered by most regulations.
  • "It is by a magnitude more powerful than any other opiate known to man... and it is ruining people's lives." (52:50–53:14, Brian)
• Discussion on how unregulated or barely regulated substances (often disguised as harmless seltzers or supplements) are addicting and harming young people—much easier to obtain than classic drugs.
  • "Big money has figured out how to manufacture these things in a lab. One chemical off... and they get by the regulators and they have no idea what it’s doing to people." (57:50, Brian)
• Memories of downing NoDoz caffeine pills as teens (to disastrous, sweaty, chain-smoking effect), hammering home that “if it’s legal, it doesn’t mean it’s safe.”

8. Dangers of Parasailing, Lake vs. Ocean, & More Aquatic Anxieties

Timestamp: 65:04–67:37

• More water-adventure horror stories—video algorithms full of parasailing accidents and the perils of trusting “Bob with a parachute and a boat.”
• Reflection on the Titan sub disaster, James Cameron’s “envelope” sub, and the blend of human hubris and technical limits.

9. Light-Hearted Closer: TV Binging & Calls to Action

Timestamp: 67:37–end

• Shift from grim tales to guilty-pleasure TV—with Brian now hooked on “The Summer I Turned Pretty.”
• Krissy: “I’m afraid I’ll get hooked and that’s why…”
  • Brian: “Oh, you will. You’ll be there. Teenage love triangle. Who doesn’t want to watch that?” (67:49, Brian)
• Wrapping up with show shout-outs, calls for audience messages, Instagram, stickers, and a final comedic riff.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote/Moment | | ------------- | ------------ | --------------- | | 06:49 | Chris | “Oh, shit.” — On the yacht capsizing instantly | | 08:52 | Brian | “You just tried to take over my boat. Why would I let you on my ship?” — On a failed pirate’s plea for rescue | | 16:56 | Brian | “He had 42 minutes worth of air left… but he was down there for like, if I’m not mistaken, four and a half hours.” | | 21:27 | Brian | “There are literally millions of species of whatever the fuck living under our feet, under the water that we have never discovered… That, to me, is insanity.” | | 24:19 | Brian | “Binocular fish will eat your little ding dong.” — On post-shark-attack fears | | 40:00 | Brian | “If I think of dumb jock, I think of Ryan Lochte. He, like, epitomizes that.” | | 45:49 | Brian | “The children live in the house, therefore you are around the children. Don’t be a lug nut, Ryan.” — Mocking Lochte’s excuse | | 52:50 | Brian | “…by a magnitude more powerful than any other opiate known to man, according to scientists. It’s called 7OH.” — On 7-hydroxymitragynine | | 62:25 | Brian | “And now I go to Starbucks and chase that every morning. Now the cups of coffee are just as strong.” — On being strung out as a teen from NoDoz | | 65:07 | Brian | “How many videos I’ve seen in the last 14 days of people doing—just practically dying—parasailing. That’s some dumb shit. I’m never doing it again.” |

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Episode Timestamps Breakdown

• 05:56–10:16: Yacht mishaps, insurance, Larry the Pirate Lawyer
• 10:16–19:38: Oil rigs, underwater repair, decompression stories
• 19:38–25:17: Deep sea terrors, albino creatures, lake vs. ocean
• 29:36–36:02: Yacht grape juice spill; family, art, and luxury car mishaps
• 36:15–37:22: Stories of generous “rich friends” and borrowed supercars
• 37:31–46:55: Ryan Lochte saga—Olympic falls, divorce, nitrous oxide
• 47:17–58:57: Drugs: nitrous, kratom, 7-OH, legal highs, caffeine disasters
• 65:04–67:37: Parasailing scares, sub disasters, comedic wrap-up
• 67:37–end: TV binges, podcast plugs, end-of-episode banter

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Tone, Style, and Takeaways

The episode is fast, loose, and relentlessly comedic—embracing dark humor about personal and societal disasters, while remaining self-deprecating and eager to educate (however half-baked). Brian and Krissy’s dynamic is like a couple of longtime friends who know too much about each other, gleefully trading tangents about trauma, science, and stupidity.

Final Message:
Whether tackling underwater horror, accident-prone kids, or cautionary tales about headshop drugs, the hosts conclude: the world is scary, the ocean is scarier—and sometimes, the people with the powerboats, balloons, or reality shows are the scariest of all.

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Transcript

[Brian Green]

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[Poetry Performer]

Gonna go out, go out tonight. Gonna get down and get in a knife fight. Taking you out, out, tackle a stranger, roll on the ground. I'm entitled to more, that's who I am. I'm taking what's yours because I can. You're in my lane, you're taking my spot, My burger has chees. You've lost the plot. I'm beating you up and posting online. I need more attention. What's your is now mine. Come watch me right now. I'm angry and mad. Making you smaller makes me less sad. I've come here to rage, spill out of my head, turn rage into riots. You heard what I said. Got out of my way. The rules don't apply. I'm simple and silly and I for an eye, I'm better than you. I'm better than you. I'm pretty and smooth, what can you do? I'm richer than you, I'm taller than you. You cannot do what I will not do.

[Commercial Break Announcer]

On this episode of the Commercial break.

[Brian Green]

There are literally millions of species of whatever the fuck living under our feet, under the water that we have never discovered, we have yet to discover or study or name or any of that. And that to is insanity. Just when you think you got it all licked because you've been watching a lot of Nat Geo, then you figure out that I really don't know shit and neither does anyone else. We don't have this all figured out.

[Chris Hoadley]

Discovering stuff, yes.

[Brian Green]

We don't have this all figured out, kids. I just got news for you. Mother Nature is a big, mammoth, hairy, lovely, beautiful woman, but she is by far way out of our purview. We don't know, we don't understand. We just don't get it.

[Commercial Break Announcer]

The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, boy.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co host of this show, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.

[Chris Hoadley]

Best to you, Brian.

[Brian Green]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. I'm watching a reel as we're going into the show about a guy who bought a million dollar yacht and he's launching it out of Turkey where the boat was built. So it was just. They're gonna slide it into the water as they do with these big boats. And he slides it into the water. Yeah, it's like a little toy. It's unbelievable. They do that with the biggest of ships also, you know, like the Disney Cruise Line. They just like slide it down a ramp, hope it stays forward. It all seems so kind of rambunctious for such a large thing. So they slide it, you know, backwards into the water and the captain is on it, the new owner, and I guess I'm assuming somebody from the company to help him figure out how to use it. It goes into the water, tips over sideways and it's upside down in less than two minutes.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, shit.

[Brian Green]

And so the captain had to swim back to shore.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Green]

Hope it has insurance.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, I mean.

[Brian Green]

Cause I think the rule is once it hits the water and you are the owner, if you're on it, you've taken control of the ship.

[Chris Hoadley]

I mean, I don't know the ins and outs of yacht owning.

[Brian Green]

I'm not a maritime law expert, but my uncle is.

[Chris Hoadley]

I would be saying refund or.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Remake.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Green]

Why did it tip over sideways?

[Chris Hoadley]

Seems like that was defective building.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. When it just tips over sideways like that, either it's really top heavy on one side or there's a lot of water coming in on one side of the boat. You know that my uncle is the preeminent attorney of maritime law in like the world.

[Chris Hoadley]

I did not know.

[Brian Green]

He helped write a lot of the insurance and shipping rules around pirating and how insurance companies handle pirating and kidnapping and all this other stuff.

[Chris Hoadley]

Pirates are a real thing.

[Brian Green]

Even now pirates are a real thing. And they're not just a real thing in the places where you think they might be. This is not like Pirates of the Caribbean, though. They have pirates in the Caribbean. That's not the places where you're most scared. It's like around the Horn of Africa.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yep.

[Brian Green]

Up into the like, you know, the, the Straits of Juarez or whatever it is. Suez, the Suez Canal, all those different places. But now it happens quite frequently all around the world, including one That I watched. A guy was trying to steal a boat in Florida. Like, they show up in this little dinghy. They pull up next to a boat that I wouldn't target for pirating if it was me. It just looks like, like a shitty houseboat to me. But they pull up, and one guy jumps out to get, you know, to jump onto the ship that he's trying to commandeer. And he falls into the water, grabs onto one of the bumpers like they have on the side of the boat, and he's begging, begging the guy who owns the boat, who's taking the video to let him on board because he.

[Chris Hoadley]

Doesn'T know how to swim.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And the guy's like, you just tried to take over my boat. Why would I let you on my ship? And eventually, cooler heads prevail. And he does let him on the boat, but then he ties him up.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. I'd be calling the police. Right?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Just. Anyway, I don't know how we got on this subject, because I was yachting. I was watching a real yachting. Yachting.

[Chris Hoadley]

And your uncle, who's the.

[Brian Green]

The pirate lawyer on international shipping and insurance, he's in Indianapolis.

[Chris Hoadley]

I bet he's interesting to talk.

[Brian Green]

He is. He's spoken at, like, the U.N. he's done a lot of stuff. Now it's all a lot of paperwork, right. It's all a lot of legal jargon. And international maritime law is just what it sounds like. It's international, it's on the ocean, and it's only as good as the people who agree to adhere to it. And so I'm sure there's a lot of, like, loosey goosey bullshit that goes on in international maritime law. But he is one of those attorneys that just kind of helped form the field, so to speak, as shipping companies grew increasingly concerned over their goods and their wares and their people. And what do we do and how do we handle it? Right? Who gets paid out when this happens? Or how do you handle a kidnapping of or hijacking of a boat? How is that all? How is the minutia handled in the paperwork? And so the devil's in the details, and my uncle writes the details. So there you go.

[Chris Hoadley]

That's crazy. Well, there's a. There's a lot of, like, offshore oil drilling. Tune of. Those things are dangerous.

[Brian Green]

I don't really know, but I've watched a lot of documentary footage and, like, a lot of YouTube videos and social media videos about people who are out on those ships.

[Chris Hoadley]

I met somebody on a plane one time A guy and he was like on his way.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

To go do that. I think he was. I think I was on my way to New Orleans. And he was going there too. Yeah, he was going to get on one of those rigs out in the ocean for months at a time.

[Brian Green]

I also knew a guy in my twenties who would come to one of the bars that I worked at and he would come in like there would be like a two month stretch where he was there every other night. Yeah, a lot. He was young. He was probably my age at the time, so early 20s. And then he would be gone for six months at a time because he was out off the coast in Houston. He would like be out in Houston. He'd get on a helicopter, they drop him off. He'd live there for three or four months. You know, sometimes if he had a day off or a weekend off and he could swing it, they would helicopter him back to Houston so he could touch land and, you know, get fresh clothes or whatever it was. But he got paid a dick load of money.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, you get paid a lot of money.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you sure do. And then I was watching a video regarding the people who go down and fix the pipes when there's problems. We're talking about the guys like the underwater welder types that go fix issues. I know you know this because I know that our audience is pretty smart in general, at least I like to think you are. In my brain, you're.

[Chris Hoadley]

They are. They're extremely smart.

[Brian Green]

You're as smart as I am.

[Chris Hoadley]

Podcast listener.

[Brian Green]

Well, or smarter than the average podcast host, which would be me. So when you dial up a website in Amsterdam or Spain, or you make an international phone call or you're transferring data, you're on whatever. Those lines of communication frequently happen in the air on satellites, but they more frequently happen in underwater cables.

[Chris Hoadley]

Right? That's right.

[Brian Green]

And those cables are literally strung across the Atlantic. And there's hundreds of them, if not thousands of them at this point. And so people have to service those lines. They have to go way far underwater and they have to work in incredible conditions in pressure bells, in vessels. They takes them months to decompress. The. It's. It's a weird life living like as a decompression diver. If you've seen that kind of. Have you ever seen that? Did you watch the most recent, like the Woody Harrelson movie about the guys who were doing decompression diving?

[Chris Hoadley]

No.

[Brian Green]

Okay, true story. They go out on a ship that they are going to go down and fix some Kind of oil well. Right, okay. And this ship is incredibly. It's like the latest and greatest in technology. It's got a hundred different positioning motors, like small motors that help the boat position. Satellite navigation, it can, it can literally put the divers within feet above where they're supposed to be and sit there and make sure that the boat stays still while the decompression divers live in a decompression chamber at the bottom of the ship. And what that does is essentially they lower or they raise the pressure slowly over a period of time with helium, and they put them in the same pressure environment that they're going to experience hundreds or a thousand feet underwater. These guys get paid a dickload of money, but they're gone for a long time. And they have to live in a decompression chamber, which is like the size of two of these rooms and probably.

[Chris Hoadley]

Not great for your body, but.

[Brian Green]

But I don't know, right? I mean, helium, they sound weird. They actually talk in what you would think of as someone who just sucked a bunch of helium, but apparently it doesn't do damage to your lungs or your brain. But in the real life documentary, they talk in this super Mickey Mousey type voice, but they're living in this decompression chamber for weeks or months at a time. So they get their bodies adjusted to the pressure, and then when the boat gets over, wherever they're supposed to be, they get, they open up the hatch and they go down with all these wires attached to them, including hot water and air.

[Chris Hoadley]

Okay, okay.

[Brian Green]

So on one fateful night, I think, out in the North Sea, three of them go to do this dive. The old grizzled veteran, the Tom Cruise, like, hard nosed badass diver, and then the rookie, the guy who's just on.

[Chris Hoadley]

The scene, which was Woody.

[Brian Green]

Woody was the grizzled veteran.

[Chris Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. At this point, Woody's the grizzled veteran. Right. He was the Nubian. Cheers. That was 42 years ago. But I don't care. I'll take Woodley Harrelson any, any way I can get it. Yeah. Okay. All right, so then this is a true story, by the way. True story. So Woody stays above directing, making sure that the wire, the lines don't get, you know, caught up, making sure that the water pressure for the hot water is on and then it's warm enough and that the air is going through these incredibly long, you know, essentially umbilical cords for these guys to survive.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And these guys have these huge helmets on, just like you think of the old style, Right, Right. You know, jewels. Yes, J. Jules Verne. Yeah, Like a Jules Verne novel. 10,000 Leagues under the Sea. 20,000 Leagues under the Sea. Or like you see in your friend's fish tank, he should have cleaned. The guy with the bubbles coming out of his head.

[Chris Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

That's the kind of suit that they're wearing.

[Chris Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

But their bodies are now accommodated to this pressure, the incredible pressure of having, you know, 5747 smooshing in on you. And they're down there to fix this big, huge well box. Imagine something that's like the size of my house, okay? And they got to go in there and they got to do some work, work on this.

[Chris Hoadley]

Maintenance.

[Brian Green]

Maintenance. Up above, on the ship, above the diving bell, which is down, like, you know, 600, 800ft below them that also has an umbilical connected to it. The ship is experiencing rough seas. There's a storm. It's the middle of the night, and all of a sudden, all of these little motors that keep them in check fail. It all fails at the same time. The technology fails. There's a glitch in the system. It's rebooting. Wheel of Death. Apple Wheel of Death. You know, it's just spinning.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And the ship starts moving all over the place, dragging the diving bell with it. And then the diving bell is dragging the divers with it. And one of the guys gets stuck on this big contraption down there, and his umbilical snaps. Oh, and for. I can't remember what the exact amount of time was, but he had 42 minutes worth of air left in his personal. He had, like a. An air canister on his back.

[Chris Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, like, 42 minutes of air left. He no longer has any warm water keeping his body warm. He's in, like, you know, 30 degree water, whatever. I mean, you know, 33 degree water. And he has no direct source of air except for the 42 minutes he's got left.

[Chris Hoadley]

See, why? This was a movie.

[Brian Green]

And he's down there for, like, if I'm not mistaken, four and a half hours.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, God.

[Brian Green]

And these guys, Woody Harrelson and the other Tom Cruise, like, badass dude, once the badass dude manages to drag himself back up while this ship is dragging them all around the bottom of the sea floor. He's like, I lost him, but I promised him I'd come back. And they make the decision, we're gonna go back and we're gonna find him.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

The ship finds a way to manage to, you know, manually get itself Back in position. Everyone up top is freaking out. Everyone down below is freaking out. And they eventually managed to get to this guy and pull him up into this diving bell. Like, many hours have passed since he should have been dead. And miraculously, after like, 15, 20 minutes, he pops his eyes open. No brain damage, no nada. The guy, like, comes back.

[Chris Hoadley]

That's incredible to look at this movie. I need to watch this.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God. Chrissy. I saw the documentary first, which I think, quite frankly, is a much more intense version of this story because there is actual footage from the ship at the time, like, inside the ship. But the movie was a pretty good short watch in and of itself. Let me see if I can find the name. But we can now. I gotta tell everybody. It's on Netflix, I think. Harrelson diving movie. Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

And speaking of underwater stuff, I was just watching a home show the other day, and they went to go pick out their slab of marble, their kitchen and whatever. And I didn't realize there were these slabs of stone that are harvested or quarried or whatever it's called underneath the ocean near Brazil.

[Brian Green]

Oh, I didn't realize that either. Yeah, no, really?

[Chris Hoadley]

That's pretty crazy.

[Brian Green]

Okay.

[Chris Hoadley]

There's gotta be some guy doing that too, down there, cutting it.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it's. Or a robot or something like that, but somebody has to be down there with him. Okay. 3. They were 300ft down. It's called Last Breath, in case you want to watch it. I do believe that it's on Netflix. He had 29 minutes of oxygen. And whose oxygen ran out? 29. Okay. Excuse me. Not hours later. He was a 40. It was. It was like 41 minutes. He was without oxygen.

[Chris Hoadley]

Got it.

[Brian Green]

Still 41 minutes without oxygen.

[Chris Hoadley]

That's a lot.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's crazy. I mean, that is just like, literally insane. And so speculation. Miracle or just mitochondria or what happened? My personal belief is there's got to be some scientific explanation. Some scientists have posed that because of the extreme cold that his body shut down, allowing him to need much less oxygen. He slowed down every process in his body, allowing him to need much less oxygen and therefore saving his life. But the guy came out, like, unscathed. Jeez, it's like a Tuesday after he went back diving. Fuck that. There are two places on this Earth that I am not interested in going to. It's the bottom of the ocean and space.

[Chris Hoadley]

Space.

[Brian Green]

Those two places I just. I could stay out of. Do you know what's down in the ocean? Scary aliens.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yes, I know.

[Brian Green]

I Read.

[Chris Hoadley]

And I've seen the James Cameron things and all the deep sea stuff. It's like, you know, deep, deep sea earth or whatever. And, yeah, it's all albino, too, because it doesn't see light.

[Brian Green]

It's. Sorry, I don't know what that was. I pressed the wrong one there. It is all fucking scary.

[Chris Hoadley]

It is very scary.

[Brian Green]

I saw a reel this morning of the telescope fish, which is this, like, albino, translucent ghost fish that has the jaws of a scary, weird comic book creature and two huge translucent eyes, and it eats other fish that managed to make their way down to the bottom of, like, you know, the Mariana Trench or whatever. In this reel it said that there are more species of animal and bacteria and blah, blah, blah, creatures, fish, whatever, underwater than there are discovered on top of water by, like a hundredfold.

[Chris Hoadley]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

There are literally millions of species of whatever the fuck living under our feet, under the water that we have never discovered, we have yet to discover or study or name or any of that. And that, to me, is insanity. Just when you think you got it all licked because you've been watching a lot of Nat Geo, then you figure out that I really don't know and neither does anyone else. We don't have this all figured out.

[Chris Hoadley]

Discovering stuff.

[Brian Green]

Yes. We don't have this all figured out. Kids, I just got news for you. Mother Nature is a big, mammoth, hairy, lovely, beautiful woman, but she is, by far, way out of our purview. We don't know. We don't understand. We just don't get it. I was watching James Cameron's little.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, the sub thing.

[Brian Green]

He's like, weird envelope sub that goes down, you know, to the bottom, three miles under the Mariana Trench, which is the deepest part of the ocean so far that we've discovered.

[Chris Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

There's another guy, you know, Jean Julie Jablay or whatever his name was, he took Jacques Cousteau. No, it's not Jacques Cousteau. He's been dead, but his son's alive. John Cousteau. No kidding.

[Chris Hoadley]

Just say it with confidence.

[Brian Green]

I did. He took five trips down to a part of the ocean where they believe that the tsunamis that hit Indonesia and Bali and all those places, that terrible tsunami about a decade and a half ago, they believe that it originated from the fact that there's one plate is moving under what they call it subversion or something. Subversion. I don't know. One plate's moving under another one and there is like, literally a knuckle, a mountain range that is holding it from releasing More under itself. And that when it releases, then the big one comes like the tsunami that, you know, kills everything within thousands of miles. All right, but if he could just go down there five times, he could figure out why this is all going on, Study new species and figure out why the. What we can do about the knuckle. And I'm thinking to myself, you bonehead, I appreciate that somebody else is going down there to figure all this out on my behalf because he spends like 30 hours in that envelope and he can't piss and he can't stretch his legs and he's like stuck in a weird position.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, that's right. He's like manning it. It's just, he's in close quarters and.

[Brian Green]

Just like the Titan submersible that exploded or imploded or whatever, there's like two tiny little holes. You can look at him. What are you really discovering down there? That it's dark and cold. But he thinks he's going to beat the mountain range by getting down to the bottom. I don't know. It seemed like a really weird task to me. But I understand they, they. I don't know.

[Chris Hoadley]

It's some people's, you know, passion.

[Brian Green]

Absolutely. I loved it when I was a kid. Jacques Cousteau was my hero. I wanted to be a marine biologist until I learned that you actually have to go under the water to figure.

[Chris Hoadley]

Out what's under the water and take scientific classes.

[Brian Green]

That both of those things that. There's a third thing that's scary to me. It's science.

[Chris Hoadley]

Right, Science.

[Brian Green]

Oh, scary. Creepy. Binocular fish will eat your little ding dong. When you die from a shark attack, your body parts will float down and binocular fish will use its telescoping. Yes, telescoping teeth to crush the last parts of you. You will be eaten by the aliens of Earth, also known as telescope fish.

[Chris Hoadley]

Those things are scary.

[Brian Green]

So scary.

[Chris Hoadley]

A lot of that stuff that they found.

[Brian Green]

And why do we need a close up? Why do we need a picture that close up? Like it's already scary. Why do we need to see it? Like it's got a personality. Like it's a Disney character or something.

[Chris Hoadley]

No, I'm good with snorkeling and perhaps Scooby dive scuba diving at some point.

[Brian Green]

I'm good with Scooby diving. That sounds good to me. Scooby diving. Eating Scooby.

[Chris Hoadley]

Then I want to go down real deep.

[Brian Green]

No, I'm not interested. We went to the Mediterranean and we were on a boat and. And the guy just you know, ships ahoy. And he, like, throws the anchor and he's like, all right, jump in. And my kids are like, yeah. And I'm like, no. What? What? What? Huh? Shouldn't we go to a beach? Like, we walking?

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

You want us to jump in? And the water's like crystal blue, but. And you still can't see the bottom. And I'm like, I. I don't know.

[Chris Hoadley]

It's a little scary, but maybe not even scarier than a lake. Lake's a little weird.

[Brian Green]

Oh. I've decided that the lake is the scarier version. I'd much rather be in the ocean. Give me the sharks, the dolphins, and the killer whales. I'd much rather be in the ocean than the lake. Because while the ocean has big, scary creatures, the lake has tiny, microscopic creatures that can eat your ears. Flesh eating bacteria. Yeah. They get into your penis. All of a sudden your penis looks like a purple balloon. It's falling off. And you don't know why.

[Chris Hoadley]

You can't 21 EPM.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you can't 21 EPA. It's all just Lake Lanier. Some jackhole on a 300 foot houseboat is pissing off the side of it, putting syphilis into it and creating a super boat.

[Chris Hoadley]

I saw that there was, like, ahead of the Labor Day weekend, there was like 60% of the beaches had too much fecal matter for you to get into the water all around the coast of the US that's promising.

[Brian Green]

Sounds promising. So it's going to happen, kids, as it gets warmer and the ocean just can't take care of itself, can't recycle it naturally, it will become something different. It will figure out. Life will figure out a way. With or without us. It will figure out a way. So if it's just like, you know, poopy telescopic monsters just eating the poop off the top of the ocean, well, then, guess what? That's what's going to happen. Yeah. And we're not going to be able to swim in it or drink it or bathe in it. And we're all going to die of slow, painful death. So happy, happy Thursday.

[Chris Hoadley]

Happy Thursday.

[Brian Green]

Happy Thursday to you. All right, I got an interesting update on a character I don't think you've heard much about in many years. But he's up to exactly what we thought he'd be up to. So let's take a break.

[Chris Hoadley]

Frankie.

[Brian Green]

No, no, no, no, no. Think Olympian. Oh, think Olympian.

[Chris Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

Okay. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

He's up to exactly what we imagined.

[Chris Hoadley]

I can't wait to see.

[Brian Green]

All right, we'll be back.

[Rachel]

Hey, it's Rachel, your new voice of God here on tcb. And just like you, I'm wondering just how much longer this podcast can continue. Let's all rejoice at another episode. Episode has made it to your ears. And I'll rejoice that my check is in the mail. Speaking of mail, get your free TCB sticker in the mail by going to tcbpodcast.com and visiting the Contact Us page. You can also find the entire commercial break library audio and video just in case you want to look at [e-mail] Want your voice to be on an episode of the show? Leave us a message at 212-4333, TCB. That's 212-38-22. Tell us how much you love us and we'll be sure to let the world know on a future episode. Or you could make fun of us. That'd be fine too. We might not air that, but maybe. Oh, and if you're shy, that's okay. Just send a text. We'll respond. Now. I'm gonna go check the mailbox for payment while you check out our sponsors and then we'll return to this episode of the Commercial Break.

[Kristen Bell]

Hi, I'm Kristen Bell, and if you know my husband Dax, then you also know he loves shopping for a car. Selling a car, not so much.

[Brian Green]

We're really doing this, huh?

[Kristen Bell]

Thankfully, Carvana makes it easy. Answer a few questions, put in your VIN or license and done. We sold ours in minutes this morning and they'll come pick it up and pay us this afternoon.

[Brian Green]

Bye bye Truckee.

[Kristen Bell]

Of course, we kept the favorite.

[Brian Green]

Hello, other Truckee.

[Kristen Bell]

Sell your car with Carvana today. Terms and conditions apply.

[Chris Hoadley]

Big moments or small moments, they all deserve great style.

[Kristen Bell]

Our over 800 stylists are here to help you look and feel your best. Visit your local Maurices to find fashion fit for you.

[Chris Hoadley]

With a little help from us.

[Brian Green]

It's going to be a water themed episode of the commercial break. Speaking of, do you remember when my kids went on my uncle in law's brand new million dollar yacht and directly spilled grape juice all over their white canvas walls and carpeting that they had to get replaced. Well, when we went down to Naples earlier in the summer, they came over from Miami.

[Chris Hoadley]

Okay, I was wondering about that.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, and I love them. They're so great and they're so gracious and they're always nice. You know, even during all of that drama don't worry about it. We got it. He's fine. Kids, our kids. And I could just tell he wanted to beat me up and throw me off the ship. But you know, what am I going.

[Chris Hoadley]

To do about your family?

[Brian Green]

I offered to pay, he wouldn't let me. Okay, so we go over to Miami to go take care of. We got drive from Naples. I told you how to get an alley. Went and did the thing, you know, at the embassy and all this other stuff. And then we go over to my uncle in law and my aunt in law's house because they're going to have a little party for us, right? Everyone's going to come over, we're all going to have a little party, cook some food, have some beer, do the cookout.

[Chris Hoadley]

Sounds fun, sounds great.

[Brian Green]

But now I have been up since really early in the morning because we had to get up at like 5:30, 5, 45 in the morning to get over to Miami in time for our appointment, blah, blah, blah. And it's now like three o'clock in the afternoon. So it's been a long afternoon and I'm feeling very tired.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So I get in and the. My aunt in law not gonna name by name. They say, no, no, no, no. We have an extra room. Go take a nap. You don't need to worry about that. What? Everybody's here, take care of the kids, sleep. It's just the way that they are, right? Comfort, family, love. My house is your house. Do your thing. So.

[Chris Hoadley]

Plus, you can't speak Spanish, so get lost.

[Brian Green]

I can't. Yeah, I can't speak Spanish, so it doesn't matter anyway, I'm out of the conversation. I'm. I will suffer my fate of having to be able to only understand portions of words when 16 people aren't talking at each other at the same time. So I jump in the bed and I'm trying to get a little shut eye. And about 20 minutes in I hear, ah. Oh. Oh my God. Everyone's screaming. And I'm like, what is that? But no one comes running in to alert me. So I take the opportunity to figure that no one has lost a finger because if they had, I'm sure I would have been the first one in. No one seems to like, no one seems to be able to handle blood except for Brian, right? So I'm like, okay, just ignore it. It was something. But a glass or whatever. Somebody broke a glass or whatever it was. So I come out about an hour, hour and a half later after my nap, and Astrid goes, well, look at this. For years I had been going over there and they have been, they're like, they don't, they're not art collectors, but they have some art around.

[Chris Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

Part of what they have is they have some sculptures, right? They have some sculptures that were created by a Venezuelan artist who now lives in Miami, who's very sought after. He's friends with the family. And for years they've had this same sculpture sitting on the table, the coffee table. And I have seen it every time I have been there for the last decade of my life. And now it is split in half, sitting on the kitchen counter. And I am like, well, one of the kids sat on the table and pushed the thing off and it broke. And, you know, whatever. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. He goes, first that you spill wine all. You spill grape juice all over the. Now your kids are breaking my sculptures. I don't know, man. I don't know. And I was like, I, I don't worry about it. So I quickly ascertain who this person was, how to get a hold of them. I find their website, I send them an email, and before anybody knows it, before anybody can say anything, I've already addressed the situation and explain, can you fix it or can you create one similar. Yeah, well, at toward the end of the night, I explained, you know, he says, hey, don't worry about the sculpture, man. We'll get it fixed. He's a friend of the family. We'll figure it out. Don't worry about it. I said, it's already done. It's already done. And he said, what's already done? And I got, I already emailed the guy. I'm. It's already, I'm fixing it. We're going to get it taken care. Don't worry about it. And this is the kind of people they are. Because he says, no, no, no, no, no, you're not fixing it. I'm fixing it. I will take care of it, of it. Now, like he, he's telling his wife to text the guy and everyone. Now everyone's fighting over who's going to get a hold of him first. Well, the guy never texted me back, but in like a week they got a new one or got it fixed or whatever.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And so, you know, they sent me a little ribbing for my birthday. I assume that, you know, look at the brand new sculpture we, we paid for, right? And I'm like, it was my kids fault, they couldn't afford it anyway. But I was going to Pretend, Right, Right. Do you take Diners Club? You take AmEx points? Because as soon as I pay my bill, they're gonna let me use them. Then it's likely that I'll be able to. Whatever. Ryan's good. Yeah, it's good. They're so sweet.

[Chris Hoadley]

Turned out okay in the end, anyway. The third time, though, might be the strikeout.

[Brian Green]

I just keep thinking back to the time that he got a brand new Mercedes Benz, beautiful E Class convertible. All the accoutrements, like the really nice version of it.

[Chris Hoadley]

The kind of cars that people in Miami drive.

[Brian Green]

The kind of. The kind of cars that people in Miami drive. The kind of car that you want to drive. It's a super luxurious, super comfortable, super beautiful car. And this guy's not showy offy at all. He just. He doesn't show off his things. He has things, right? And he brings everybody into it. He's always a party. And this is the same guy that. That whose daughter got married in Spain when we went to that beautiful wedding. We're there for a week, and they're just like taking care of everybody. That's just who they are. They don't give a. About the money. They give a sh. They have it. And they care about everybody else around them. And it's not that they're just like willy nilly giving money away, but they're also not counting every dollar. Because you know me, I would be the same too. I have been the same. That's why I'm right. So. So I just like, I. That he gets this Mercedes. I. I'm over there one time he pulls up from work and I'm happened to be outside, and he's like, wow. And I go, wow. Whoa, man, that's beautiful. You know, look at that. That's beautiful. I'd love to have one of those. And he goes, here, take it for a ride.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like. And all I can think about every time that one of my kids messes up something expensive of his is, thank God I didn't crash the Mercedes Benz. Thank God I didn't crash the Mercedes.

[Chris Hoadley]

I know. Reminds me of this story, you know, a friend of ours. I mean, I'll just say his name's Simon. That is kind of like that kind of guy.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

He's got money, but he invites you in on it. Like, yes, I've got it. Don't worry about it. I'm taking care of it. What would you like to drink? What would you like to eat? Do you want to take my car? For a spin. Same thing. We were over there. My dad was at this party that he was having for, like, you know, it was the M. Park Day, or Inman Park. You know, what is it?

[Brian Green]

Inman Park Fest.

[Chris Hoadley]

Veteran Park Fest. Yes. So we're over there, he's got an Aston Martin, and my dad is like, oh, my God. James Bond car. La la la la. Simon's like, bing. Take it for a spin.

[Brian Green]

No shit.

[Chris Hoadley]

And he let my dad. Meanwhile, my dad is going five miles an hour.

[Brian Green]

Of course he is.

[Chris Hoadley]

The walk and fills it back in like a nervous wreck.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, listen, when someone else hands you a vehicle like that, you are sure to be very careful, or you're just a fucking idiot with it.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Speaking of Miami, speaking of the water. You know, there's a guy who lives down in Miami who goes in the water a lot. He's one of the world's best swimmers, or he was one of the world's best swimmers. The name is Ryan Lochte. Now, you may or may not remember Ryan Lochte. He was around him. Michael Phelps.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, Michael Phelps. They were neck and neck, neck.

[Brian Green]

And they were on the same team, but they would compete in a few. And Phelps was the better swimmer every time. But Ryan was no slouch himself. Himself. He was also breaking world records and.

[Chris Hoadley]

Taking home in Brazil. What was that thing that he got robbed.

[Brian Green]

He was drunk. He pretended that he would. He had gotten robbed because he was drunk and he was out gallivanting in the middle of the night where he shouldn't have been, outside of the approved zone or whatever.

[Chris Hoadley]

The Olympic Village.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Likely looking for drugs. Let's just be honest about it. But, I mean, you're about to swim in the Olympics. They're going to piss test you. What are you doing? Why are you out there boozing it up? Or maybe he was done.

[Chris Hoadley]

I remember he was done.

[Brian Green]

Ryan was never the straightest of swimmers. And I don't mean that in a sexual way, and I don't mean that in an actual way. What I mean is he was always the bad boy of the sport, and he was the bad boy in general of all Olympians for the United States. For a period of time there, Ryan just was kind of a lug nut. And he didn't know what a good thing he had. He could have been like Michael Phelps and had all the millions and millions of dollars worth of endorsements and all the accolades and all the appreciation, but he could barely form sentences. And he never seemed to stay out of trouble. He was always in some kind of trouble, whether implied or for real. So the only thing that Ryan got out of all of his fame and fortune and his. His two Olympics of having, you know, many golds and silvers and platinum or bronzes and all this, all he managed to get was a shitty reality show that was only on for about four episodes.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, yeah? What was that?

[Brian Green]

And everybody decided that we really weren't that interested in what. What was going on in Ryan Lochte's head.

[Chris Hoadley]

Well, because it wasn't a lot.

[Brian Green]

No, it wasn't. And it was clear to see he was not all there. Listen, I don't know if he's not all there. He wasn't all there. I mean, this is. Let's call it like we see it. He does. Obviously, he was a great swimmer, athletic as he could be. But that allowed him, I think, to get by on the good looks and the athleticism he never really has.

[Chris Hoadley]

Kind of epitome of the dumb jock.

[Brian Green]

Dumb jock?

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. If you. If I think of dumb jock, I think of Ryan Lochte. He, like, epitomizes that. Now, I'm sure there's lots of people that love Ryan Lochtech, and I'm sure he's done a lot of amazing things for great people. I'm not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I only know what I see on television. That's it.

[Chris Hoadley]

That was just the general perception.

[Brian Green]

Absolutely. Even NBC, who covered the Olympics, was kind of implying he was like a dumb, dumb. You know what I'm saying? They'd, like, make. They. They put sound effects when he was talking. I mean, honestly, he'd be. They'd be. He'd get out of the water and they'd be like, ryan, great job. You broke the world record by three and a half seconds. How you feeling? Well, I was swimming. And we'll be back to NBC Olympic coverage after this.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

He was like. He was being made fun of implicitly. Well, I think we might have an idea of why now.

[Chris Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

Ryan got married and Ryan had kids. And I guess he's living a life with those.

[Chris Hoadley]

With that wife and those kids in Miami.

[Brian Green]

I think it's in Miami that he still lives. I know he was from Florida. I think it was Miami. He is going through a divorce. Never a good thing. That sucks. And especially when there's kids involved.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Always a painful thing. But the reason that she is divorcing him is varied, you know, in irreconcilable differences and all this other stuff, which is usually the. The most of the basis for divorces. In this country that you just can't see eye to eye and you're not going to figure out.

[Chris Hoadley]

It's not working.

[Brian Green]

It's not working out. But one of the other things that is claimed, and now Ryan has admitted to is that he has been doing a lot of huffing of nitrous oxide over the years. Yes. He is running around the house huffing nitrous oxide.

[Chris Hoadley]

So she puts those personal little tank things.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, the personal little tank things that are destroying people's lives right now. I mean, honestly, there's two things in this world. World that are going on that you may or may not know about. We all know about tranq. We all know about fentanyl. We all know about the zombie drugs and the zombie streets up in the Northeast and wherever.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

At least you should know about that. Right? There's very heavy sedatives that are making people like, I don't know, stand on one toe. Like, it's so weird to see. So weird.

[Chris Hoadley]

Because I saw it in person in Seattle.

[Brian Green]

How do you not fall over?

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I don't know. But they'll be, like, balancing on one toe for hours at a time.

[Chris Hoadley]

It's like leaning over.

[Brian Green]

Leaning over at a. Like Michael Jackson in a video. But never falling over, but their eyes are closed. It's so strange. Zombies. Zombies. That's all you can say. But there's two drugs that are wreaking havoc on the underbelly of America right now. And one is nitrous oxide and other Freon and other stuff. But nitrous oxide, because it is. You are allowed to buy it.

[Chris Hoadley]

We talked about it. Yes, we talked about the local vape store.

[Brian Green]

That's right. The local vape store started an entire crisis throughout the country by flavoring them and putting them out in colorful boxes in these cans that they were getting from China, filling them up and then distributing them by the tens of thousands around the Southeast and all around the country. And this started a black market for this.

[Chris Hoadley]

Ryan got a hold of it.

[Brian Green]

Ryan's in on it. Like, Ryan got a hold of it. He's a nitrous oxide kind of guy. And when you think about it, it's starting to make a little sense why Ryan may not have seemed all there there. That's something that's not going to show up on a drug test. And it's something you can do quickly and it goes away quickly, and it makes you dumb as dirt.

[Chris Hoadley]

It kills brain cells.

[Brian Green]

Does kill brain cells, because that's how you get high. It kills your Brain cells. And then you get high, kills the neurons that are shoot firing off in your head and then it starves your brain of oxygen. We're talking about laughing gas, in case you don't know. Same stuff you get at a dentist, but the dentist has medical grade quality and controls the flow slowly over the course of a procedure or whatever. So you just kind of drift off.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. It's not a quick high.

[Brian Green]

No, it's not. Though I have had some dentists who have definitely juiced me up and I appreciate it every time because I fucking hate the dentist.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

So Ryan gets on a video to retort these allegations where she says, he was high around the kids, he was driving the kids while he's on nitrous oxide. All terrible.

[Chris Hoadley]

So dangerous.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Never ever, forever. I don't even think I've been drunk around my kids ever. And. And you know, I understand there's lots of parents who can operate at some form of buzzed. And I'm so. I'm not throwing like casting dispersions. I've seen it myself.

[Chris Hoadley]

Judgmental.

[Brian Green]

I'm not judgmental. Yeah, except when I'm judgmental.

[Chris Hoadley]

It's just not for you.

[Brian Green]

It's just not for me. But high on nitrous oxide. I don't know that that's the smartest choice in the world.

[Chris Hoadley]

No, it's not.

[Brian Green]

But Ryan went online to say, to tell everybody that he was 15 days sober. And while he, yes, there were, there was drug use in the house. It was never around the children. And I couldn't think of a more dumb thing that he could have said in that moment. And which lawyer had explained to him that it was okay to release that video because you were doing it in the house where your children lived, but you weren't doing it around the children where your children lived. It's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. What did you do, hide in the corner?

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, I was gonna say in the pantry.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I mean, come out. Don't bother daddy right now.

[Poetry Performer]

Woo.

[Brian Green]

I brought this food. Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

Hey.

[Brian Green]

Waw wah wah wah. Right? Don't bother daddy. I mean, my wawa zone. Can you get my binky and my chupa? Wah, wah, wah, wah wah. That means so fucking incredibly stupid of him to say you're doing it in the house, but not around the children. The children live in the house, therefore you are around the children. Yeah. Don't be a lug nut, Ryan. I appreciate the sobriety.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. Good for you.

[Brian Green]

Keep going, bud. Keep going. There's life's on the other side. You'll figure it out. And. And I really do encourage you to figure it out, because I'm sure that that addiction must be crippling. Crippling. Because we know from reading the story here on air, the expose that Vice magazine did on this or the New Yorker, whoever it was, that there were people literally camped outside of these stores, and they would go through, like, an entire quarter of a tank, get into.

[Chris Hoadley]

The car and do it, do it.

[Brian Green]

And come back in. Yeah. Rob people, tell them we would pay them later, use their mom's credit card, use their dad's credit. Use somebody else's credit card just to get the next hit of nitrous oxide. Now, I've done nitrous oxide.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, me too.

[Brian Green]

I guess I could see how it would be addictive, but it's not something I pine over.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Like at a fish concert, there's a balloon being passed around. Cool, dude. Yeah, but, like, standing outside the store, scratching and itching and waiting for my nitrous. No, but there's. Ryan, I. I hope you get better, bud. I. I think you need an attorney before you put out any more public service announcements.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, I would not do that.

[Brian Green]

I think you just gave the judge all the fuel he needs to keep you away from the children, at least for a period of time, until you can prove that you're clean and sober. And you don't want to see that, because kids need both their parents. Not high, not around, not on nitrous oxide. But kids need both their parents, if available. Available, if around, if available. The other thing that I'm reading about is the seven. Oh. Have you heard about this?

[Chris Hoadley]

No.

[Brian Green]

All right, I'll tell you a little bit more about seven. Oh. Let's take a break.

[Chris Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

And we'll be back.

[Rachel]

Okay. You're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at tcb. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid, too? You know you do. Leave a message for her or me or Chrissy at 212-4333. TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show, too. Just call and say something, anything. Or text us, and we'll text you right back. Promise. Then head over to tcbpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker, and we must abide. You get the point? Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and watch all the episodes on [e-mail] TheCommercialBreak Best to you and Astrid, especially Astrid.

[Chris Hoadley]

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[Kristen Bell]

The first few weeks of school are in the books. Now it's time to keep that momentum going. IXL helps kids stay confident and ahead of the curve. Teachers move fast, but IXL keeps your child right on track, building skills at the same pace they're learning in school. IXL is an award winning online learning platform that helps kids truly understand what they're learning, whether they're brushing up on math or diving into social studies. It covers math, language arts, science and social studies from Pre K through 12th grade. With content that's engaging, personalized and yes, actually fun. It's the perfect tool to keep learning going without making it feel like school. If your child is struggling, this is the smartest investment you can make. A single hour of tutoring costs more than a month of IXL make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now and listeners of this podcast can get an exclusive 20% off IXL membership when they sign up today at ixcellearning.com audio visit ixcelerning.com audio to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Ready to level up? Champa Casino is your playbook to fun. It's free to play with no purchase necessary. Enjoy hundreds of online social games like blackjack, slots and Solitaire anytime anywhere with fresh releases every week. Whether you are at home or on the go. Let Chumba Casino bring the excitement to you. Plus get free daily login bonuses and a free welcome bonus. Join now for your chance to redeem some serious prizes. Play Chumba Casino today. No purchase necessary. VGW Group void board prohibited by law 21 +TNCs apply.

[Brian Green]

All right, to fully understand 7 oh I think I need to give you a little primer course.

[Chris Hoadley]

Okay, I'm ready.

[Brian Green]

We've had for many years in this country an opiate addiction problem as there was one one doctor in the United States of America who Put out a statement saying, I don't believe that oxycodone is physically addictive. I don't believe those are the words that he used. And they used that statement millions of times to sell billions of doses and get them out on the street. That created this huge black market and addicted people, from the richest to the poorest and everything in between. We've all known somebody who has been to the doctor for knee replacement surgery or a broken arm and come out hurt back. Yeah. And come out with a bad opiate problem. So no, again, casting no dispersions here. I know people in my own life who have struggled with this and it's easy to see why. If you take a couple of painkillers on a Tuesday night, it's easy to see why people get addicted to those things. But it's physically addictive because it binds to the opiate receptors in your brain, create causing your brain to be euphoric. But then it creates more opiate receptors over time that need also to be filled with that opiate medication. That's what causes the physical addiction and the withdrawal can be hell. We all know this.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. It's awful.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. So for many years, there is a. A Indonesian plant that has been used, shipped into the United States of America, sold at a lot of gas stations, certainly most head shops, and all over online that has been used kind of as a, I guess a supplement to allow people some pain relief without taking actual medications. And then also some people report that it helps them with concentration. Adhd. It's called Kratom and it's been around for a very long time. It's been used in Asian Indonesia for hundreds of years, if not thousands of years. It's been imported into the United States by the ton because people buy it, they make a tea out of it. There's pills, there's powders, there's lotions, there's potions.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. Isn't it derived from a plant or something?

[Brian Green]

The kratom leaf.

[Chris Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Yeah. And there's all different varieties of kratom leaf and, you know, strengths and power and whatever. It's not a pharmaceutical. It's an organic. It's a nutraceutical, whatever you call those things. So not a nutraceutical in or whatever you call it. It's organic.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So you can buy this anywhere. You can likely go down to the gas station down the street. Not like the quick trip, but, you know, your local, you know, shitty gas station on the corner where they sell like, you know why, Brian? 3,000 glass pipes. Yeah, they probably sell Kratom there too. At least they do where I, where I, I live. But this also binds to the opiate receptors and helps people in certain ways. There are many, many advocates for Kratom. Many. And as a matter of fact, while many states have tried to outlaw Kratom, only a few have because there is also a Kratom lobby that made up of doctors and specialists and pain, you know, pain people, pain patients, pain specialists who say this offers there's some relief, but it's considerably less dangerous if used correctly than actually putting someone on oxycodone or oxycontin. Right in that Kratom by a tiny percentage per kilogram. There's something called 7 oh, which is one of the opiate binding chemicals that comes out of Kratom, one of them, and it is by a magnitude more powerful than any other opiate known to man, according to scientists. It's called 7o H, it's very potent, very powerful and some shitty, you know, Amsterdam chemists will figure it out, that we will make millions and millions of dollars have figured out how to synthesize this in a lab, press it into pills and powders and sell it online on the streets, in gas stations all over it is ruining people's lives, ruining people's lives. They're the Tick Tock is littered. If you, if you go to Tick Tock and you do seven OH is littered with stories of young people who took some 7 oh at a party, bought it at a gas station. There are drinks, they make drinks, seltzers out of it. It all kind of different stuff, just like they do with Kratom. They make seltzer waters out of it. Whatever. These happy drinks, they really make you happy and people get addicted. They go from drinking like, you know, half a can every two weeks to like 30 cans in a day, every day. Yeah, because their body needs more and more of it because it is considerably stronger than fentanyl, heroin, opium, all of it. And there is no law, law that restricts people from using it, taking it, putting it into ingredients, because it is one of these, you know, just like one chemical off, one little, whatever they call it off, one little shake of the salt shaker off from the recipe known as narcotic drug. And so it gets by regulation until recently when the FDA put out a warning to the big seven OH makers, hey, what you're doing is illegal and we're going to figure it out. So we suggest you stop manufacturing it now. Warning shot across the bow. But really Fucking knows this day and age. Is the FDA even a thing anymore? Does it exist? I don't know. Who knows, right? And you know, I listen, I don't have a dog in this fight. Don't take seven. Oh. Never taken seven. Oh. The only time that I have tried Kratom was a drink that Chrissy and I, yeah, drank was with Reggie Watts. It did give me the light and fuzzies, but it wasn't like I sent me to the moon. Slight, yeah, slight euphoric, kind of like, you know, happy, giggly type thing. But I wouldn't say that it was something that I would chase. As a matter of fact, I think I still have one of them in the refrigerator. But I will share that. You know, I think anybody should be able to do anything they want, want, as long as they're not hurting anybody else. But here's where there's a little bit of a slippery slope for me. Because if you're 16, 17 years old and you're walking into whatever gas station or head shop or what, I mean, you wouldn't be walking into a head shop, but if you're walking in whatever gas station and you're buying your fizzy happy tonic juice, right, and you have no clue what this is doing to you physically, and then all of a sudden you can't get through a day at high school until you have seven of these drinks or you're flopping out on the floor with sweat and heart racing and eyeballs popping out of your head, then I think that you are causing harm to other people who may not know better. Because a lot of people don't understand about this 7 0h. There are a few people who are ringing the bell and there's lots of cautionary tales out there. But, you know, kids, look at me, look at me as an example. I grew up in a time when it was a lot less dangerous. A lot less dangerous. Cocaine was cocaine, ecstasy, with something you were pretty sure that wasn't going to kill you. Crystal meth was crystal meth. You know, things were things. They were things. Weed was shitty and it came from Mexico and it just gave you a headache. No one cared. And if it didn't have any seeds in it, that was like the best weed you'd ever had. Now the weed is like 40% potency. It's insane, right? But now, now people have figured out, big money has figured out how to manufacture these things in a lab. One chemical off from this or one degree off from that. And they get by the regulators and they have no idea what it's doing to people. And they don't care because they're just making millions and millions of dollars for a short period of time, folding up shop and going away without any consequences. And it makes me feel scared for the children, but it makes me feel bad for the kids growing up today that they're faced with all of these choices. Like, if I could have bought what I thought was going to be something like cocaine at a head shop or a gas station, I would have been standing outside of the gas station at 7 in the morning scratching my arm for much cheaper and much more potent. I would have done that. But that wasn't something that was offered back then. We just had no dose. Yeah. D and no dose.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, the no dose. God, I remember hearing about those.

[Brian Green]

No dose is a caffeine pill. It is a concentrated caffeine pill. It's all it is just a high dose of caffeine. It's like drinking two large cups of Starbucks without any actual liquid. Imagine that. Right?

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

One pill. And they sell them in packs. So let me tell you a little cautionary tale here, Chrissy. The year was whatever the year was, and I was working at that McDonald's.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, right.

[Brian Green]

And we would have to close the store sometimes and then open the store. I think I've told this story before, and one night my friend Terry and I were closing the store. So we got done at like 12 or 1 in the morning. It was like a Saturday. And then on Sunday we had to be back to open the store we were asked to open, which give us. Gave us about four hours of free time before we had to be back at the McDonald's. Talk about child labor. Is there child labor laws back then? Now that I'm thinking about this, yes. Yeah. We're like 15 years old.

[Chris Hoadley]

McDonald's got in trouble, I think, with that too.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. These managers took way advantage of the young kids over there, but it was all young kids working there. So I guess, to be fair to them, what else? They didn't have anything else. They paid him cheap money. They paid us cheap money and they worked us to death. And we loved every minute of it. We were having a ball. We were having a ball. So we decided that what we would do is just stay up all night, smoke cigarettes, go to the Waffle House. The Taco bell was open 24 hours across the street. And we ran to the local BP and we got a box of no doughs came with like 12 of them. And Terry and I each took four of them at one time.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh God.

[Brian Green]

Even though it said take one every four hours, we took four every one hour. Yeah, that's right. And the state of mind that the two of us were in by the time that shift rolled around caused the only manager who needed at least three people to open up the store to send us directly home. Do not pass go. We were not allowed to be on that ship. She knew, because we were like twitching. Our eyes were like Cheshire cats, probably pale as a ghost.

[Chris Hoadley]

Sweating.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I was sweating. I mean, like big sweat stains.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh God.

[Brian Green]

You know, flop sweat everywhere. I think it was the middle of the winter too. Like a flop sweat. And I was like smoking.

[Chris Hoadley]

Chain smoking.

[Brian Green]

Oh my God. Chain smoking. Holy. I came in with three cigarettes lit. I was like. Because back then you could smoke while you were opening up the store. It was not unusual. This. It was the most intensely. I mean, I had. Now I've done that many times since. I mean, I've had that feeling a number of times, but I know that feeling now. I know what it is. It strung the fuck out. You are way high. Your body's not handling it well. You are sick, you're physically ill, and you just need to shut down. I do remember specifically about this day that I called my dad to come pick me up because I didn't drive at the time. And my dad came and picked me up. And he's like, why are we doing. I thought you were opening the store. It's like 4:45 in the morning. He's like, why are we doing this? I thought you were opening the store. And I'm like, oh, she sent us home. And he's like, are you all right? And I'm like, I, I, I. Oh God, you're Dad. I rolled in that bed for a day. I just rolled in my bed just trying to get some sleep. Rolling and rolling and rolling. It was the most awful feeling.

[Chris Hoadley]

Terrible.

[Brian Green]

And now I go to Starbucks and chase that every morning. Now the cups of coffee are just as strong. But this is, is. But like, you know, to be that kid again and not understand that what I'm buying at the gas station cannot be dangerous. That was our assumption.

[Chris Hoadley]

Well, right. It's just legal. And you can buy it.

[Brian Green]

It's legal. You can buy it. It'll be fun. We'll all have a good time. Don't worry about it. Holy shit, my eyes are going to bleed. How many more cigarettes can we smoke? I think I'm going to throw up. I don't want this taco Salad. It doesn't taste good to me.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Green]

Oh, God. Oh God, Chrissy. What a. Just an awful feeling. That is awful feeling. And to think I would repeat that so many times in my life on purpose. Like I knew what was coming. And yet I do it. One more line, one more bump, one more line, one more bump. Until it's 9:30 at night. The following day.

[Chris Hoadley]

The following day.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Yeah. These kids, they. They're faced with some difficult choices and limited information. And I just. It. You know. Hey, listen, I'm not saying we should outlaw it. I'm saying people should know. I guess that's part of the reason why I want to share. Because I know how many kids listen to our show.

[Chris Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

Actually, I do know a couple kids listen to our show.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. No, that's scary. You're right. If you had access to something that's legal and you think it's safe.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

I mean, you think it's okay.

[Brian Green]

That's what you assume.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

You assume it's okay based on the fact that it's easily accessible. That you can buy it, you can transact it with your credit card over the counter in a store where, you know, there's not like police officers guarding the door. It's not like you're gonna get arrested.

[Chris Hoadley]

You're not having to call some drug dealer guy.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's it. You're not shopping. You're shopping at Kroger. Who can't. Okay. Okay. It can't be that dangerous for me. Sure. And then, you know, you're buying in bulk at Sam's. I need 30 of them. I watch this terrible story about this kid.

[Chris Hoadley]

Just be careful, kids.

[Brian Green]

Kids, be careful. Call Brian. He'll tell you all the bad news about all the things.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, he's lived it.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, we make fun of it here, but there is definitely. And while I may seem like a glamorous high lifestyle, you know, fast cars, loose women, fun drugs kind of guy. Yeah. It's not all shits and giggles at the top. Kids yachting. Yachting, snorkeling, parasailing, which I will never do, by the way. Space ocean classes that include science and parasailing. How many videos I've seen? I don't know. I don't know. My algorithm.

[Chris Hoadley]

I've been parasailing one time.

[Brian Green]

Oh, that.

[Chris Hoadley]

Younger. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

How many videos I've seen In the last 14 days of people doing. Just practically dying, parasailing. That's some dumb. I'm never doing it again. Never doing it.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I can't. I think I did it once. I want to say that I did it once.

[Chris Hoadley]

But, yeah, I did it when I was like 16 or 17 at the beach.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's when you do it when.

[Chris Hoadley]

You'Re 16 or 17 at the beach.

[Brian Green]

But that's these videos, too. And then all of a sudden it comes unhooked and they're like, oh, God. You know, they're flying into the side of a mountain or the. You know, the rope gets wrapped around their leg and they're being yanked around. It's all scary and it's unregulated. Who's doing that? Bob with the boat. Bob with a string and a parachute.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, it was. He just had a boat and the parachute.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's him. Bob's parish. Bob's Parasailing painted on the side of his boat. Meanwhile, he's probably on seven. Oh, right. Just driving people around. Have fun, kids. And they got like a. It's like a fishing line. They're just reeling you out back and then hoping they can bring you back. It's all very scary. The world's full of. The world's scary.

[Chris Hoadley]

World is scary. And so is the ocean.

[Brian Green]

Oh, the ocean is the. To me, I can't figure out if space or the ocean is more scary. I keep on thinking about that Titan submersible.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, God.

[Brian Green]

What. What would ever lead those people to believe that was a good idea? Yeah, it's a Tic Tac. It looked like a Tic Tac. It didn't even look constructed properly.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, I mean, watching that documentary, it did make you realize all of a sudden, like, whoa, whoa. They just ignored all of these things that were bad.

[Brian Green]

Stockton knew nothing about nothing. He ignored it all. He thought he had it figured out, but meanwhile they were like, literally had to. Like, the people who weren't going on that particular trip had to screw on the top.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And what would happen if you needed to get out? I don't know. But I mean, to be fair, I don't know how you got out of James Cameron's envelope either. Like, if something goes wrong, I think you're fucked there too. But I don't know, that's something. Seems much more like the craftsmanship on James Cameron's ship.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So the funny thing is, so did Stockton.

[Chris Hoadley]

Well, that's true.

[Brian Green]

He was so well connected with all this money and power and he was just chasing, I don't know know, Jason a dream, I guess. Who can blame him? We're not going to the ocean, kids. Commercial break. Staying right Dry land here. That's right. Are you watching the Summer I Turn Pretty?

[Chris Hoadley]

Unless. No, I'm not.

[Brian Green]

Okay.

[Chris Hoadley]

Did you want me to?

[Brian Green]

I. I started watching. Started watching. I got hooked. I got. I got reeled in.

[Chris Hoadley]

I'm afraid I will get hooked and that's why.

[Brian Green]

Oh, you will. Oh, and you'll be. You'll be there. Teenage love triangle. Who doesn't want to watch that?

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, who doesn't?

[Brian Green]

90 Day Fiance got boring, so now I'm watching the Summer Icon. What's going on, tlc? Gotta get back to your roots. Crazy people who don't look all that crazy at first. Right now it's just crazy people who look crazy from the beginning.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And it's all actors and actresses. 212-4333 TCB 212-433-3822 Text us questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas tcbpodcast.com for your free sticker, add the commercial break on Instagram and YouTube.com the commercial break for all the episodes on video the same day. They air here on the audio. Yeah, I don't know what else to say. All right. All right. That's all I can do.

[Chris Hoadley]

I think so.

[Brian Green]

I love you.

[Chris Hoadley]

I love you.

[Brian Green]

Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say and we must say goodbye.

[Chris Hoadley]

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[Kristen Bell]

The first few weeks of school are in the books. Now it's time to keep that momentum going. IXL helps kids stay confident and ahead of the curve. Teachers move fast, but IXL keeps your child right on track, building skills at the same pace they're learning in school. IXL is an award winning online learning platform that helps kids truly understand what they're learning, whether they're brushing up on math or diving into social studies. It covers math, language arts, science and social studies from Pre K through 12th grade. With content that's engaging, personalized and yes, actually fun. It's the perfect tool to keep learning going without making it feel like school. If your child is struggling, this is the smartest investment you can make. A single hour of tutoring costs more than a month of IXL make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now and listeners of this podcast can get an exclusive 20% off IXL membership when they sign up today at ixcelearning.com audio visit ixcelerning.com audio to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price.

[Brian Green]

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