Putt Putt Rawr

Summary

The Commercial Break – "Putt Putt Rawr"

January 16, 2025 | Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley

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Episode Overview

In this lively, irreverent episode of The Commercial Break, Bryan and Krissy return to riff on Bryan's misadventures at the Great Wolf Lodge indoor water park with his family. Along the way, they skewer adult behavior at kid-centric venues, unpack podcasting industry drama (including discussion of “industry plant” podcasters), and read out heartfelt and hilarious messages from their listeners. True to form, the duo swings between absurdity, relatable life rants, and slyly twisted insights, all while maintaining the show’s signature blend of self-deprecating humor and chaotic, conversational energy.

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Listener Mailbag & Shoutouts (01:00–09:58)

Key Points:

• Bryan expresses gratitude to listeners and shares funny, bizarre, and touching messages from fans.
• Stories about small-town successes and learning about other podcasts (Hillbilly Horror Stories).
• Listener tributes: Remembering Jerry from Hillbilly Horror Stories.
• Shoutouts to regulars like Brandon (Tri Cities), Sidney (clarifies “Sid” is a boy), Taj (holiday fostering cats), and other quirky listeners.
• Comments on podcasting loneliness and the weirdness of negative reviews.

Notable Quotes:

• “Podcasting can be a lonely venture...it’s a camera, a mic, and no one else in the room.” – Bryan (07:16)
• “I do, do, do love our listeners. They are absolutely, absolutely...I’ve said this before. Podcasting can be a lonely venture...” – Bryan (06:31)

Memorable Moment:
Bryan likens reading negative reviews to voluntarily jumping into a pit of snakes, so he just avoids them now.

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The Perils of Podcasting – Plant Theories, Fame & Fades (10:10–18:37)

Key Points:

• Discussion of Bobby Althoff, the "weird, dry" podcast interviewer who skyrocketed to viral fame and then quickly faded amid rumors of being an “industry plant.”
• Industry insider gossip: WME allegedly orchestrated her rapid rise using celebrity client crossovers.
• Bryan reflects on the harshness directed at fallen creators and draws a line between playful critique and “dancing on graves.”
• Quick turn to the “Hawk Tuah” meme and her disastrous foray into meme coins, critiquing online grifters and the people who fall for “Tua Coin.”

Notable Quotes:

• “Everybody’s playing a character when the camera turns on.” – Bryan (14:26)
• “There’s no millions of dollars in this type of podcasting...for every Joe Rogan, there are 50 of us just paying the bills.” – Bryan (13:35)
• “If you bought Tua Coin...you also gotta take some personal responsibility. You bought Tua Coin. It’s a coin based on a gross-in Octua!” – Bryan (18:01)

Memorable Moment:
Bryan’s deadpan breakdown of meme coin economics: “Only 90% of the supply was controlled by, like, 10 different wallets...and that’s exactly what they did.” (18:37)

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The Great Wolf Lodge Odyssey: Kids, Chaos & Adult Fails (20:01–41:57)

Key Points:

• Bryan resumes his saga at Great Wolf Lodge (“piss-soaked lazy river with my young children”) with Krissy egging him on.
• His children’s innocent delight at the wave pool clashes with his horror at the hygiene situation and the adult hijinks.
• Lifeguards blowing whistles primarily at adults, not kids; Bryan’s pointed analogy compares the pool to "having to buy a donut after someone licked them all."
• Rants about adults acting the fool—throwing kids into waves, hogging the kiddie slides, and clinging to ropes like it’s their first day out.

Notable Quotes:

• “Someone licked the donuts. But my kids are hungry, so I have to buy them. And I’m going to have to put it in my mouth.” – Bryan (20:33)
• “Can you not control yourself for two seconds? There are small children around, and you’re acting the fool.” – Bryan (21:47)
• “There’s no human being on earth who’d look at this pool and say, ‘This is made for me as an adult.’” – Bryan (28:49)

Memorable Moments:

• Adult man clings to rope in kiddie pool while a lifeguard repeatedly whistles; Bryan muses, “Did someone not give you a kiss as a child?” (25:49)
• “Either you are challenged in some kind of way...or you are in desperate need of a blowjob to mature your ass a little bit.” – Bryan’s blunt diagnosis of grownups hogging the little slides (29:47)

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Germaphobia & The Hotel Hygiene Spiral (35:29–38:46)

Key Points:

• Bryan details the family post-pool decontamination ritual, forced showers (“Would you want to take a shower if you just peed on your own leg?”), and deep mistrust of communal soap.
• Confesses to bringing his own soaps and towels, avoiding hotel bathtubs, and treating every surface as a norovirus “peach tree dish” (his repeated malapropism for 'petri dish').

Notable Quote:

• “We just peed on our own leg. But it wasn’t our pee.” – Bryan (36:00)

Memorable Moment:
Bryan’s ET-style hazmat routine after his youngest poops in the shower.

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The Great Adventure Pack Scam & The Putt Putt Trap (38:46–41:57)

Key Points:

• Discovery that the all-inclusive “Rawr Pack” mainly covers endless rounds of putting (“The activities that are included are putt putt and putt putt and putt putt.”)
• Bryan’s frustration: all the best activities (ropes course, climbing wall) are upcharged; only putt putt is truly included—“No one likes putt putt. Let’s be honest. It’s played out.”

Notable Quote:

• “I have the rawr pack. I’m supposed to have the rawr here. And he’s like, ‘You just get a fucking discount.’” – Bryan (40:38)

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The Big Climbing Wall Challenge – Bryan’s Accidental Heroism (41:57–48:53)

Key Points:

• Astrid and Bryan’s daughter brave the climbing wall. Peer-pressured by Gustavo and Astrid’s casual “He’s not gonna do that,” Bryan’s pride is triggered, so he climbs the wall.
• Miraculously, Bryan makes it to the top, rings the bell—and then “lands directly on my back” as the auto-belay slams him down, to the teen attendant’s stunned “Whoa, dude.”
• Reflection on how moments of pride are always followed by public embarrassment.

Notable Quotes:

• “Something about those words compelled my balls to release a high dose of testosterone.” – Bryan (44:15)
• “I have never been in a harness...but instinct takes over, and I quickly, quickly, and not looking down once, climbed right up that wall and rang that bell...” – Bryan (44:41)
• “You still got it. – Astrid // Got what? I probably look like a back problem.” – Bryan & Astrid (48:38–48:40)

Memorable Moment:
Bryan’s slow-motion crash landing, and his fear that the epic, ungraceful fall has been captured on video for Instagram infamy.

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Arcade & Pizza Bedlam: Prizes, Scams, & Peach Tree Dishes (49:29–63:33)

Key Points:

• The money-pit arcade: $25 yields four miserable claw attempts per child, but staff are sympathetic and sometimes let kids have their toy anyway.
• Bryan observes a “pudgy little redhead” winning thousands of tickets, speculates about his parents “smoking meth,” and marvels at the futility of these games.
• Pizza pickup is a study in low-grade human chaos: a woman pilfers plastic bags, drinks, and utensils while a frazzled teen cashier tries to keep order.
• A near-meltdown erupts over delayed pizza orders, and Bryan gently defuses a would-be parental brawl.
• Bryan’s son sagely observes, “Yeah, but we did wait a long time for the pizza” (63:11), leading Bryan to conclude, “We are all fucked.”

Notable Quotes:

• “I am also growing a shithead in a peach tree dish. We are all fucked.” – Bryan (63:11)
• “It’s Petri. What? Did I say peach tree? The entire episode I say peach tree dish?” – Bryan (63:23–63:33)

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Final Reflections: Will He Return? (64:00–66:00)

Key Points:

• Despite his misery, Bryan says he’d return for the kids’ sake: “For once in my goddamn life, I’m not going to be selfish.”
• Surprises: No one seemed to clean the waterpark after closing, though perhaps it happens later.
• Closes with gratitude for listeners, and sly humor about the perils and minor victories of family life.

Notable Quote:

• “We will at some point go back to the Great Wolf Lodge because the kids had so much fun and no one ended up with their anuses falling out.” – Bryan (64:52)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Listener Mailbag & Tributes: 01:00–09:58
• Podcasting Drama & Industry Plants: 10:10–18:37
• Great Wolf Lodge Waterpark Rant: 20:01–41:57
• Climbing Wall Adventure: 41:57–48:53
• Arcade/Pizza Mayhem: 49:29–63:33
• Final Thoughts & Goodbye: 64:00–end

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Tone & Style

True to The Commercial Break’s self-aware, off-color reputation, this episode is fast-paced and only barely contained. Bryan’s exasperation is tempered by Krissy’s eye-rolling empathy, and the pair’s ability to turn personal disaster into comedy gold is on full display. The language is irreverent, raw, and peppered with adult humor and pop culture snark—a “Cheesecake Factory of comedy podcasts” at its most chaotic and most relatable.

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For New Listeners

Whether or not you’ve braved an indoor water park with your own kids (or survived a wild meme-coin ride), Bryan and Krissy’s storytelling puts you right at the heart of parental (and societal) absurdity—with just enough side-eye wisdom to make you laugh at it all.

Listener’s Choice:
Listen for the laughs, commiserate with the cringe, and never underestimate the carnage that a grown man at a kiddie slide, or an enraged pizza-seeker, can unleash.

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Transcript

[A]

I did try to jog once, but it makes the wine just jump right out of your glass. On this episode of the Commercial break two for the ropes course. Great. I see you have the blue wristband. That means it's only $29.99 per minute for you to do the ropes course. And I'm like, I have the rawr pack. I'm raring. I'm supposed to have the rawr here. And he's like, you just get a fucking discount. And I'm like, you gotta be kidding me. And he's like, well, the activities that are included are putt putt and putt, putt and putt putt. And I'm like, I don't want to play putt putt putt putts everywhere. No one likes putt putt. The next episode of the Commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co host of this show, Chris Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.

[B]

Best to you, Brian.

[A]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for listening. We'll get back to Great Wolf Lodge just here in a short, hot second. But I picked up the studio phone and I wanted to make it a habit of checking in more often with our listeners and like, talking about them on air because they really are a great group of people. We don't get too much hate, at least not here on the. On the text message line that is saved for the reviews where everybody can see them.

[B]

Yes, thanks for that.

[A]

Our good friend Brandon hitting us up from Knoxville, Bristol, Johnson City area that is called the Tri Cities in East Tennessee. I do love Johnson City. Johnson City is a beautiful little town up there in east. Have you ever been to Johnson City?

[B]

I have. I lived in Knoxville for.

[A]

So did you go down to Johnson City and hang out down there?

[B]

Maybe once or twice, yeah.

[A]

Did I. You know that one? You know that Rafael, my best friend, his cousin owns a string of restaurants, liquor stores, bars down there. That guy is fucking killing it. Houses, rental houses, taxi cabs.

[B]

Good, good for him. Best to you, Raphael's cousin.

[A]

Sex workers. I mean, that guy's into everything over there. He is really, like, he's just into everything.

[B]

A man about town.

[A]

How is it that one guy, like, in the same circle of people, one guy can miserably fail at every business opportunity that comes his way and another guy can literally turn shit into gold? He turned a string of restaurants, bars, and liquor stores in Johnson City fucking Tennessee. Into a huge success. I'm down here in Atlanta where literally money's growing on trees and I can't plant a plum to save my life. I mean, I swear to God. Good for you, Fosse. Good for you. He does have a great set of restaurants. And Fosse, if you want to call and tell me the names of those, I'll shout them out here on air. Yeah. So I love that Johnson City area. It's lovely. And congratulations to my kind of cousin who did it. Well, also, I wanted to say that one of our friends. Do you remember about a year ago, somebody wrote in and they said that they had heard about us on a podcast called the Hillbilly Horror Stories. So for the second time in a year, somebody has written in to tell us that they heard about us on Hillbilly Horror Stories. Who? We shouted out at the time because we had no idea who the Hillbilly Horror Stories were. Never communicated with them. We certainly hadn't, like, purchased any ads or done any cross promotion with them. And apparently Jerry and Tracy were the hosts of this show. And Jerry passed away, so they wanted to let us know that. And he was apparently loved by a lot of people, according to this listener who also wrote in to tell us about this. And so, so sorry to hear about Jerry. Yeah, not Garcia. That one passed a long time ago. This other one. But sorry to hear about Jerry. And thanks to Hillbilly Horror Stories, I don't know if they continue to do.

[B]

Episodes or I wonder if it was something to do. Mountain Monsters type stuff.

[A]

Probably. I have to imagine. Yes. And then after we started do, and I'm not claiming this was done because of. But I have also noticed there is a semi popular podcast that is now just exclusively reviewing Mountain Monsters. That's all they do. But I have to imagine that maybe it has something to do with me because I always imagine that.

[B]

Of the universe.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. One of our good friends says, wow, whole show about naked penises and an in depth conversation about billionaire politics. At this rate, you're going to make me a lifelong TCB listener. I think that's Sean.

[B]

Our Naked Naked Attraction.

[A]

Yeah, our Naked Attraction episode. So, you know, sorry to hit you over the head with a bunch of balls. Start the year off, but I mean, what else are you doing? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Well, bam. Our favorite trucker says can never do too much Frankie Bay. I'd listen to a podcast if they strictly did only Frankie B content. Well, just go back. Listen to season number Two and three of the commercial break. And you'll. You'll get. You'll get what you want. We talked about Sidney a couple of months ago. Sidney had written in. He had written us a letter, asked for some advice, talked about some things, and we didn't know whether or not to refer to Sidney as a girl or a boy. I have found out that Sidney is a boy. Sid is a boy. Sid. Listen to the 12 days of TCB. Says we're crushing it. And he just wanted us to let us know that he and his girlfriend give each other gifts. Him and his lady give each other gifts. How do you keep it a secret? Remember we talked about that and we said you don't keep it a secret because we just talked about it. On the commercial break, Taj says, happy holidays. This is back from the holidays. We're just getting to some of these now, but that's better than we used to be. Where we would get to it six months later. That's right. She volunteers with the local S. S.P. p.C.A. they foster cats and dogs throughout the year. And this Christmas, she'll be alone. But she's got TCB in the 13 days. She thanks us for putting together the 13 days. By the way, everybody in the text messages referred to it as the 13 days of TCB because that's actually what it was. And someone says, where of all the PUAs gone. Can we do some more Frankie B. Then we did some more Frankie B. She says, you read my mind. Love you. Love tcb. Keep it going forever. You're welcome, of course. So just a small snapshot of some of our listeners out there writing in and saying wonderful things about us.

[B]

Thank you for writing in.

[A]

I do, do, do love our listeners. They are absolutely, absolutely. I mean, listen, I've said this before. We'll say it again. Podcasting can be a lonely venture because part of the reason. Let me. Let me share this. We have Gustavo. Coming up on a special episode on Saturday in celebration of the USA versus Venezuela, International soccer take place here in Miami.

[B]

Thinking about that. Hopefully there won't be any more. What was that? That happened a year.

[A]

That was Columbia, I think that was.

[B]

The people were storming it.

[A]

Yeah, that was the falling through.

[B]

Great. Like air. Air ducks.

[A]

The America's Cup Final at the Hard Rock down there, which is the same place they're going to play this. People were literally creating stampedes to get in without tickets. And, like, it's just beyond me. There are families there. There are children there. There are people who paid good money And I understand that ticket prices, but that doesn't mean that then you can go put everybody else's life in danger. You're a fucking moron. Don't do that. That's just ridiculous.

[B]

Watch it on tv.

[A]

Go watch it on TV like the rest of us poor people.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Yeah, listen, I can't go see. I can't go see Chris Rock in concert anymore either. It's too expensive. So you know what I do? I wait till it comes out on Netflix. That's what you do. It is, in my opinion. Sometimes sporting matches are better when you're watching it on tv, especially when there are stampedes running through the fucking hallways. I couldn't imagine. I put myself. You know, we had a lot of friends that were down there because, you know, Miami and the Latin Connection and so we had friends that were down there, and the videos that they were showing and through WhatsApp were insane. It was like a life or death situation for some people. Now, luckily, I think only one person passed away from a heart attack or something like that, but that could have been a really sticky situation. Anyway, it's Venezuela versus America. The, you know, the Americans are too lazy to do. You know, they're too lazy to stampede. And, you know, God love. The Venezuelans will probably be a little bit late. So there you go. It's all gonna turn out just fine. But that's gonna be a good match. I can't wait. Anyway, Gustavo is coming on on Saturday. Here's the reason why I bring up Gustavo special episode with Gustavo coming in as a guest. Here's why I bring it up. Because Gustavo has this fear of the microphone. He has a real fear of getting on the microphone. And the re. The way that I talked him off the ledge was to explain to him that podcasting is an extremely lonely venture. There's literally no one on the other side. It's a camera, a mic, and no one else in the room. There's nothing to be scared of. No one's gonna give you instant feedback. You're not gonna feel embarrassed by being in front of a bunch of people. You'll feel that way when, after the episode comes out, you'll beg me to take it off the RSS feed and I'll say, ah, ah, ah, ah, Nanya. But podcasting can be a lonely venture. And when you guys text in and you let us know about your lives and, you know, how TCB interacts with that life, it really is something special, and it's something that I'm grateful for. I Think that this would be. I think it would be a different vibe for me if I didn't know that there were people on the other end and some of them loving us and hating us. Yeah, loving us and hating us. Listen, it's hard sometimes not to take the criticisms and internalize them. And that is why I never, ever read the reviews anymore. I don't Google the commercial. Blake. Blake. Well, I don't do any of that because I just don't, you know, whatever. But when on the odd live in.

[B]

Our happy little bubble.

[A]

That's right. On the odd and off chance that we get, like somebody writes in and it's not so nice, I just ignore it. You know, I'm like, whatever. Or I say, thanks for listening. What am I going to do? I can't make everybody happy.

[B]

You can't.

[A]

Speaking of not making everybody happy, do you remember the podcaster, Bobby Altoff? The Atlas is it at this atlas, Bobby Atlaf. You remember Christina, this young girl who was like a homemaker. She was doing like videos about cooking food in her house and stuff like that. And then one day, all of the sudden, she gets an interview with a celebrity. I think it was a celebrity rapper. And this interview goes viral because her way of interviewing people was extraordinarily weird, dry, maybe even a little bit off putting. She was very quiet. She was very confrontational, but she wasn't, like, loud about it. She would. She would be like, you're kind of ugly. She would say stuff like that. And I'm not even kidding. It was like, really weird. So she went super viral. Millions and millions of views in just. Just a couple of months. So Bobby then has this runaway train of a successful podcast, and she gets all of these celebrities to come on the podcast. A lot of rappers, a lot of R B stars, Drake. She does a famous interview with Drake in a bed. Okay? In a bed. She starts kind of hitting on him. She is married with a child. That husband soon files for divorce.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

For a long time, people in the people had been like, whispering, like a whisper campaign, that wme, the agency who represented her, the William Morris Endeavor agency, who are very big players in the podcast space, that wme, that she was an industry plant, that WME had essentially taken their other clients, their famous clients and strategized, constructed this out of kind of whole clothes because Drake was their client. This other rapper was their client. Lots of her guests were their clients. And they kind of.

[B]

Reality wasn't real.

[A]

Reality wasn't real. I can't believe that it's never hard to believe. And early on, a very well placed source in the podcast industry had told me that she was an industry plant. Now, I don't even know what that means really, because at the end of the day, you know, you could say that, like our views manufactured, our downloads manufactured, whatever, I don't know, who cares? It doesn't really matter if people like the content. Is she really an industry plant or is she just someone that kind of struck while the iron was hot? But people have been kind of, you know, eulogizing her over the last couple of weeks because. Or. Or month because her views have plummeted. She's like not the hot or it thing anymore. As time went on, people started to understand that Bobby was not the person that was on the podcast. She had a much different personality in real life and that a lot of this stuff was kind of for the cameras. She also made a few comments like, I heard that somebody else was making half a million dollars podcasting. So I'm going to. That's what I need to do so I can make half a million dollars. In other words, people felt like she wasn't doing it for the love of the podcast. Listen, it was. Let me explain something to you. There are no millions of dollars in this type of podcasting. I mean, you can certainly reach those successes in those heights. But the Joe. For every Joe Rogan, Conan o' Brien and Theo Vaughn, Dax Shepard smart list. There are 50 of us.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who are just paying the bills. That's it. And barely. And some months not even. Bobby was not that kind of podcast. She was not the smart list kind of podcaster. She had a lot of YouTube views. But YouTube monetizes much differently than podcasts do. And so here's the reason why I say this while we're talking about this, and then we'll get on to Great Wolf Lodge. I feel a little bit bad for Bobby, if I'm being honest, because, yeah, maybe she's an industry plant and WME helped her get those guests on her show, but people had to find her genuinely interesting in order for those views to happen. It wasn't a. And that's the name of the business. If you have an agency, you fully expect they're going to help you make connections. That's why you have an agency, to make those kind of connections. Bobby was playing a character on a podcast. Everybody's playing a character when the camera turns on.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It doesn't matter who you are. Yes, of course, to some degree, to all degrees, I can Promise you, when I am not here looking like a stud, high fade done to the nines, I am literally in my pajama pants, farting and eating cereal and cream, yelling at my children, kicking my dog around the house. Dating high schoolers now. Yeah, this is, this is a difficult endeavor to go out there and to put yourself out there and to create in any way, shape or form. And when you create for a long time, you know, yeah, maybe you find some like, maybe you find something organically that works. Maybe you become more. More organized, natural to your own like, creative style. You have to find that it only happens over time. I don't fault Bobby for doing her thing right. No, I don't find that particular shtick interesting. It's not interesting to me, but I think it's a little mean spirited to go stomp on her grave because she's no longer getting the views when Bobby was just trying to create like the rest of us. That's my personal opinion. Now you want to get me on the Hawk to a girl, that's a different story altogether. I will dance on the hawk to a grave because that was a shitty thing that she did. That was super shitty. And Hawk to is nowhere to be found. Did you hear about I told you about Hawk Tua?

[B]

No, I read a whole lot.

[A]

And her Hawk coin. Her Tua Coin Tua. Hawk Tua.

[B]

Yeah, I think, I mean, I kind of think in that instance she got involved with some bad players.

[A]

Of course she did.

[B]

Yeah, she was.

[A]

And she had no fucking clue what she was doing. But that in and of itself. Listen, this girl got management three days after that video went viral. Somebody in that, in that, on that management team, a father, a friend, a somebody should have said slow your role, girl. You want this, you want to make money. And you should be making money if everybody else is making money on this hock to a thing. But you got to slow down a little bit and not get yourself involved in every, you know, Dick Harry come lately's fucking bullshit. And for that she has to take a little responsibility. To be fair to hock to us, she did put out a like an Instagram post this. And anybody that's been affected by the To a Coin disaster, please contact the To a Coin disaster. The great to a coin disaster 2024. Anybody who bought into To a Coin, you also got to take some personal responsibility. You bought Tua Coin Tua Coin. It's a coin based on a gross in octua. It started a podcast. It wasn't particularly great, but anyway, I I will say, I will give Hawk, whatever her name is. Haley. I will give Haley a little bit of credit because at least it seems like she's trying to figure out how we. How she undoes this clusterfuck. But I gotta be honest. I mean, I think there's big trouble around the corner for. I noticed she hasn't put out a podcast episode since that all happened. That's a disaster. Yeah, that's. Well, the only other thing that's on her Instagram besides this apology letter is. Is a video of her, like, at a private island of the Caribbean on a boat, sailing around the ocean, blue seas.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. That's a little tone deaf. Like, you know, let's. Let's be real about it. If you get into something like that and everyone's blaming you for spending their life savings in a terrible way, you probably shouldn't be on a private. You probably shouldn't be publicizing that you're on a private island. That's just bad.

[B]

Life savings. People put their life savings.

[A]

Chrissy, there's like, one dude. One dude was like, I lost 450,000 in Huacoin. And I'm like, where did you. Who gave you $450,000 in the first place? And how did you lose it on Huacoin? Like, what did you think HUA Coin was going to do? Did you really think there were that many people interested in this young lady's longevity or success that they would keep Huacoin afloat? And by the way, had you been in on it, you would have understood, like, kind of the economics of it. Like, now it's easy for me to say this because I'm just looking at videos pointing it out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But if you did a little bit of homework about this meme coin, only 90% of the supply was controlled by, like, 10 different wallets, which means that 10 people, 10 wallets, controlled the price of the coin they could sell and just wipe everybody else out. And that's exactly what they did. So. Okay, anyway, who a coin? Bobby Atlaff. Gustavo. And what else did I talk about? A little bit of everything. Johnson City, Tennessee. All right, we'll take a break and we'll talk about. Great. I'll get back to Great Wolf Lodge night. We'll be back.

[C]

It's a new year and a new me, which means I'm bringing you the exact same information I always do. So follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok @TCB podcast. Do something new this year. Text us or call us and Leave us a voicemail at 212-4333, TCB and go. Please go watch our YouTube [e-mail] TheCommercialBreak. I mean, we put all of this effort into our studio. So just go take a gander. You're gonna love it. And finally go to our website, tcbpodcast.com if you can't be bothered with anything else, because everything we have is right there on that site. Bye.

[A]

All right. Last you left me, I was somewhere in the Great Wolf Lodge, stuck in the middle of a piss soaked lazy river with my young children somewhere south of Atlanta. For those of you who didn't catch the first episode, you might want to go listen to that and it'll catch you up on what's going on. So after about Chrissy, we're in this freezing cold pool. That's right. It's really.

[B]

The wave pool.

[A]

Yeah, the wave pool.

[B]

Meanwhile, I asked one of your children, we came out of that episode the other day, and I said, did you have fun at the Great Wolf Lodge? What was your favorite thing? And she said, the wave pool.

[A]

The wave pool. Of course, of course, they had never seen a wave pool. I mean, you know, they're very young. Of course they've never seen a wave pool. The waves weren't particularly large. Listen, under circumstances like this, there's no one else in the wave pool. I saw it personally get cleaned. There was a lot of bleach poured into the pool. I would have felt great. And it was actually 87 degrees as advertised. But that was not at all. It was barely 80 degrees, if that maybe 78, 77 degrees. I'm just taking a random guess. The things that I saw in there, it would. It would have been like, I don't know, going to Dunkin Donuts, watching some lady lick all the donuts, and then having to buy one. Do you know what I'm saying? And then having to buy one because your children were hungry. This is how I felt about walking into the Great Wolf Lodge wave pool. Someone licked the donuts. But my kids are hungry and so I'm going to have to buy them. And I'm going to have to put it in my mouth. And I'm sorry, no matter who you are, no matter how tall you are, you could be Gustavo. And he was there with us, by the way. You could. You're gonna get that water in your mouth. It's coming in your mouth.

[B]

It's waving right in.

[A]

It's waving right in. Because your small children are flailing around as the waves are smacking. I mean, my kids were getting hit so hard by these rather small waves, 3ft tall, but my kids, some of them, are only three feet tall. And so it was just bam. They didn't know what to do. And so they're just getting pushed and pushed further and hitting their heads on the cement and knocking into everybody else. And then there's, like, adults who can't seem to control themselves in a child's wave pool. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, it's their first time at the wave pool. Like, lick the donuts be damned. I need another bear crawler. You know what I'm like? And they need another fucking bear claw in my mouth. These adults, they're fucking ridiculous to me. Can you not control yourself for two seconds? There are small children around that you're acting the fool. By the way, at the Great Wolf Lodge, I've said this, and I'll say it again. It appears that everyone there has is very nice and well trained. But there was one, count them, one lifeguard guarding this wave pool. Now, it wasn't very big, so maybe that they have determined that that's enough. And I'll take that on face value, but when I go to Six Flags Whitewater, there's like 30 lifeguards around that wave pool. Now, Six Flags Whitewater has a bigger wave pool, bigger waves, and much more rowdy children. Yeah, it's a huge. It's like, isn't that one of the largest water parks in the country or something?

[B]

Really? But I haven't been in years.

[A]

Yeah, it is huge. And they have big waves that come there so that I can understand. It gets deep. I think it's like 10ft deep at one end. This is only 5ft deep, max. But that one lifeguard. Here's a weird thing that lifeguards are doing. Let me. Let me stop for a second. Here's a weird thing I've noticed all lifeguards are doing now. Did. Remember. Do I. Do you remember telling me telling you the story about how we went to that Margaritaville?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And the lifeguards were doing, like, one lifeguard was, like, moving their head back and forth with their hand. And I thought maybe there was. They had a touch of autism or something because that's all they were doing for, like, 30 minutes, and then somebody else would come in. I've noticed that all lifeguards are now doing this. It's a technique, I guess, to make sure that they are paying attention and scanning.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But they're actually moving Their heads back and forth with their hands. Hands. It's a little weird. I don't know. Maybe somebody who has a kid that's a lifeguard or has been a lifeguard or is a lifeguard, can write in store neighbor. She's a different kind of lifeguard. She's the kind of lifeguard that you pay $10. Actually, it was her friend that came in, was a lifeguard for the pool party. Yeah, she did not do that, but she was very attentive. She stood up and was watching the pool. I think I paid her way too much money to do nothing, to be honest with you. There were a bunch of parents in the pool, but whatever. So this lifeguard was consistently blowing the whistle, you know, and making some hand gesture basically like, you know, stop fooling around. And every time the whistle blew and I looked over, they were not calling attention to children. They were calling attention to the adults who had been sitting at the Rawr bar over there getting fucking sloshed with their yard bloody Marys or whatever it is. Let's settle down, guys. Come on, you're in a. This is generally for children. I understand adults can have fun there too, but really, give an instance.

[B]

Give it for instance of what? What was one of the adults doing?

[A]

One of the adults had a child, like, I'm gonna guess, 10 or 11 years old. They were down in the deep end and every time a wave came, they were throwing them up in the air, right. To hit the wave. Which is like, okay, maybe you're. Maybe you and your kid have this understanding that that's a fun game, but the pool is crowded. Right. He could land. He could land the wrong way. Like the lifeguard is doing the right thing. You don't throw children at the wave when it's coming their way, Right. That's like some form of child abuse. Another example, there's a rope at the end so you don't get sucked into the wave making machine. There's a full grown ass man, hairy back and all, with his, you know, over oversized board shorts hanging half off his ass. And he's hanging on to the rope as the waves come by.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And this lady had to blow the whistle 50 times. And this guy's, you know, doing the ways like this, and he's looking right at her and she's going like this, stop, stop. Alone. Yeah. He's just hanging on for dear life. And I thought to myself, do you really, really. Did someone not give you a kiss as a child? Because this is like, this is terrible. You're terrible. Stop it. Stop it. So, okay, so all of this is going on and the wave pool eventually gets too cold. We jump on the lazy river so that we can go. Astrid has now gotten some food with la. I think I told you that the towels were stolen. So here we are stuck in these two chairs. Not the kind of chairs that sit up above the ground, the kind that sit way down at the bottom. Yes. In a sloped angle cement floor that is going down into the kiddie pool, which is a splash. They have lots of things where you press the button and it sprays water or dumps water everywhere. The only seats that we could get were actually like halfway in to the splash pool. So here we are, cheeseburgers and all, and there are little shits running around spraying us with, you know, just spraying water in your general direction. So I'm eating a soggy sloppy hamburger that's been pissed on by a Dunkin Donuts filled child. It was ick all over. But my kids loving it. They are la la la la. Loving it. So even though some of my kids are a little bit older, in this little splash park here is probably meant for three and under. You know, I've got kids that are double that age, but they can still go in there and they can still play. So these, this little splash park. So now we're, we're done eating. Our stomach's full. The best thing to do at the best time to go swimming is right after you've had food, according to all medical experts. So now my kids stomachs are full and what are we gonna do? We're gonna go in the kiddie splash park where they have four little slides. You go, you walk up to the top, there are four slides pouring down water like little waterfalls. And you just go down those slides. They're not even 10ft long. They're tiny little slides. There's no tunnel, there's nothing. It's just a slide down into the pool. Slide down into the pool. Slide down into the pool. There's another lifeguard over there. There's more grown ass adults that are riding these 10 slides and you know, literally landing on small children as they splash down, pulling up their pants and being like, that was awesome to get that one on the Instagram. I can put that one on my Instagrams and tick tocks and my Facebooks. I just wanted to kill some of these people because guys, this is. There's no human being on earth that would look at this pool and say, this is made for me. As an adult. This is made for a 380 pound, you know, 42 year old man in board shorts and a T shirt. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

No, no, that should be, not be allowed.

[A]

But this couple of guys, these couple of guys, they took it upon themselves wearing their hats and all that they needed to slide down these slides more than the children did. As at one time my son was up there and one of these guys came, my son was like trying to position himself on the thing and one of these guys came and just got around him and slid down. What? Yes. And then he gets, he splashes into the water like a three year old, gets up, you know, hats all disheveled and he's like, woo. Like that. And I thought to myself, yeah, one of two things here, one of two things. Either you are challenged in some kind of way and in that case I give you a pass because, you know, there you go. And number two, you are in desperate need of a blowjob. Do you know what I'm saying? You are in desperate need of some sexual affection to mature your ass a little bit. Because this is terrible. Like you are just acting like a terrible human being.

[B]

Did you say anything?

[A]

I didn't, no. Well, what am I going to do? I'm going to get into, you know, then I'm going to be the guy on Instagram. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. His wife was already videotaping him, had had a phone, was videotaping him going down the slide. So I can only imagine he's one of these guys that I'm really jealous of because they have 58,000 followers on Instagram and we have three. Yeah, not thousand. Three followers on Instagram. This is one of those cases. You know, I travel Instagram a lot and I wonder exactly how people get these many followers. This is how.

[B]

The kiddie pool.

[A]

The kiddie pool at Great Wolf Lodge. And by the way, there's a whole niche out there in Instagram. Great Wolf Lodge.

[B]

Oh, I can only imagine.

[A]

If you want to see what it's really like, you feel free to hashtag Great Wolf Lodge because you will see everything that I'm talking about. And probably more it is a thing. And because there are many of them throughout the country, so. So after we get done with that and we go on the big water slide a couple of times, it was like a couple of big water slides. Yeah, my kids can't get on all of them because some of them require you to be a certain height. And a few of my Children are not that height, and so I didn't want to leave them alone. My wife had already decided she had. Astrid was already done with this, by the way. Astrid was done with it as soon as we got started with it. Yes. This is one of those things where I knew going in likely I was going to end up being the sole survivor here at the Astrid, she's too much of a germ phobe to be in there. And it was her idea, by the way, to go to this place. But we were there and the baby was getting cold, and I knew exactly what was going to happen, and that's okay. So I took the kids on the big rides that they could go on. And by the way, those slides, perfectly fun. They really were. They were fun, they were fast, they were long. You know, all the things you would want in the bed or at a Great Wolf Lodge indoor water park. There you go. But after we did this a couple of times, everybody was starting to shiver. And I made the adult call that, you know, I was gonna be one of the few adults at the Great Wolf Lodge to say, hey, listen, I know this. The wave pool is lovely and now filled with, you know, tomatoes and American sliced cheese from the cheeseburgers that people are eating inside of the pool. But let's go get dried off and then we can find something to do. Yeah, because there are other things to do there. You were saying that there's a mini bowling alley.

[B]

That sounds fun.

[A]

A mini bowling alley. Have you seen these? They're, like, all electronically controlled. So you go in, you have a reservation, you go in, you type in your name, and the lane is half the length, half the width, and the ball is much smaller, and so are the pins. So you can just basically throw down. If you're a grown person, you can just like throw overhand it down. You just like baseball pigeon down there. But the kids have fun because they can actually pick up the ball and roll it down there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And there's no gutters, so it's all just. Just. It's bumper ball, essentially, is what it is. And they have 10 of those. They have a big rock climbing wall, they have a ropes course, they have aforementioned restaurants. A huge arcade, also known as a money pit.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

For adults, for people with children. So we go upstairs to our room, which is strategically located as the last room in the entire building. So from one place. So. So from one side of Great Wolf Lodge to the other side of Great Wolf Lodge, I would say it's probably about 16 miles. So you have to walk 16 miles in your wet, you know, bathing suit and T shirt. I put on a T shirt and I wrapped a towel around myself. I put my shoes on because that's what adults do after they get out of a pool. Most adults didn't do that. So now I want you to imagine riding up in an elevator to the fourth floor. Not particularly fast elevator. Riding up in the elevator in the fourth floor with various size, shapes, colors and others of people who are in.

[B]

Various states of undress, just bathing, wet, bathing suits.

[A]

Oh, Chrissy. One guy. One guy. He had a family with him, right? And he was short and he was stout. He was just. He looked like. I don't even know how to explain it. He was short, he was stout. You know, put a teacup and pour him out. I don't know. He looked like a teapot. That's all I can describe it. They had gotten a pizza from downstairs, but he couldn't wait the elevator ride to eat the pizza. So he would literally had the box in his hand and he was like, oh my God. Without a shirt on or shoes. Where does. Where do we find these people? Where do we find them? Amongst them. They're all living amongst us. They're your neighbors, they're your friends. They're the people you're passing on the highway. These. These are the people in your neighborhood. And they're all fucked up. Go and figure that not all people.

[B]

In the world are.

[A]

Well, yeah, not Chrissy, if you go to Great Wolf Lodge, there's a lot of people in the world and a lot of them aren't well. And a lot of them showed up at Great Wolf Lodge.

[B]

I can imagine.

[A]

Through the new year, it took us an hour to get back to our room. I swear to God I did. Now I have tired, cold, exhausted children. But the day's not over yet. It's only like 3:30pm And I can't put my kids to bed at 3:30pm.

[B]

As much as you want to.

[A]

As much as I want to. I've learned over time that putting your kids to bed at 3:30pm means they're going to wake up at 3:30am and not want to go back to sleep. So we got upstairs, everybody gets dried off. I tell the kids, I'd say I want you to go straight into the room. The shower, the shower. Go to the shower. Why, Daddy, I just got out of the pool.

[B]

I don't want to.

[A]

I don't want to. No, no, no. You're not going back downstairs unless you take a shower. One of my kids, who's really smart and very like. Conte was like, it doesn't make much sense why we have to get into the shower after we've been in the pool. I said, have you. Would you want to take a shower if you had just peed on your own leg? Yes. I said, that's why we're taking a shower after we got out of the pool, because we just peed on our own leg. But it wasn't our pee.

[B]

Someone else.

[A]

And it was more than our leg. Get in the fucking shower, God damn it. And you better don't use that soap in that container that people are probably jizzing in. Use the soap that Mommy brought. We are such germ foams, by the way. Yeah, I really. I think I've realized that we. And I think this is warranted, especially after coronavirus. I think we're like full on germ folks. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, we bring our own. We have those little bottles and we fill up our own soaps. I will bring a bar of soap when I come. Sometimes we put towels down in the shower. We don't allow for baths anymore. I mean, we did with the baby up until recently. Don't allow for baths anymore because who knows what's going on in those bathtubs. This is the Great Wolf Lodge. This ain't the Ritz fucking Carlton. Do you know what I'm saying? And listen, I don't want to sound elitist. I'm not. I'm germaphobic. It's. There's a big difference. I don't mind.

[B]

I was. I was fully surprised when you said you were going.

[A]

I know. Yeah. It's like. Because it does take a lot for me to get over. Both Astrid and I to get over the fact. Listen, we know from raising our own children just how disgusting they are. And they are disgusting. Children are disgusting. They're not filled. Throw up shit rags. That's what they are. And they run around doing all of these things at all times. I will share this story. My youngest over the weekend now, we put her in the shower and I let her go for. I just let her sit there. It's a way to wait, kill 15, 20 minutes, put in the shower. She loves it. We give her a couple of toys. She plays, she sings, she dances, she. She pretends like she's washing herself off. You know, it's a whole thing. I was in the room, whatever I was doing, talking on the phone. I can hear Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, poo poo, Daddy, Poo poo. I turned the corner. Daddy Poo Poo was right. She's just. She's just there doing her thing and she's like, oh, Daddy poo Poo. I. Have you ever seen. Remember ET where they put the big cover over the house? Yes. That's what I did with my shower. I hazmatted it. I went and got Drano, I got liquid pipe cleaner. We soaked the floor in bleach, we took towels, we threw them out, we did the whole thing. Because I understand that that's how the kids get sick. And it's a never ending cycle once they do. And we're trying to protect us and them. I mean, getting sick is part of building defenses. But we don't need to be sick every single week of the winter. So when we go to Great Wolf Lodge, imagine this.

[B]

That was a big chance.

[A]

Yes, of course. It's a norovirus peach tree dish is what it is in the middle of winter.

[B]

That's what I told you.

[A]

And there's no guarantees that the poor people who are cleaning these rooms can get them as clean as they need to be in order. You can't. It's impossible. Yeah, it's not their fault.

[B]

It's a lot of time scheduled too. You got people downstairs who want to check in.

[A]

I think we're lucky if they change the sheets. Do you know what I'm saying? I really do. And that's why they put these bottles of soap now that are sitting in every hotel room, every place, everywhere except for the fin of hotels. And I can only imagine what some sick fucks are out there doing to those bottles of soap. I don't even wanna know. People are weird. And men especially, I get. Listen, guys, I was a boy too once. Like, you know, I don't know what's going on with those bottles of soap. I don't wanna know. So I take these kids in there and I wash them off as thoroughly as I can. And then I'm like, okay, well, let's go downstairs and try and kill some more time. We go down there. We have now paid like $180 for this all adventure pack. The RA adventure pack, which is supposed to get us all kinds of everything for free. We don't have to worry about it. No muss, no fuss. We're just supposed to go there. The place is crowded. So we go up to this little stand where you can check into all these different activities. And I'd say, you know, okay, two for the ropes course. Great. I see you have the blue wristband. That means it's only 29.99 per minute for you to do the ropes course. And I'm like, I have the rawr pack. I'm roaring. I'm supposed to have the rawr here. And you just get a fucking discount. And I'm like, you gotta be kidding me. And he's like, well, the activities that are included are putt putt and putt putt and putt putt. And I'm like, I don't want to play putt putt putt putts everywhere. No one likes putt putt. No one likes regular putt putt. Let's be honest, it's played out a little bit. Okay? But guess what we do? We play putt putt, go to putt putt, and all else fails. Yes. And Ali and Gustavo decide to do the ropes course. And then Astrid, for some reason, one of my daughters and Astrid are eyeing the climbing wall, a very huge climbing wall, four stories in the air, climbing wall on the back of the thing. And they start looking at that climbing wall. And I'm like, oh, my God. My young girl is going to go up there and try and climb four stories. I will tell you the surprising end to this story as well as the pizza shop up when we get back.

[C]

Have you got a hankering down deep in your soul to tell us what's up? Well, I am encouraging you to do just that. Text us at 212-4333, TCB and tell us what's going on. Give us the haps. Tell us the dirty secrets of your life. That's all we've ever wanted to hear. You can also leave us a voicemail at the same number. That's 212-432-33-3-3822. And also follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok @TCB podcast. And if you want to see any video episodes, you can go to YouTube.com the commercial break and they are all right there. And if your hankering is not to tell us what's up, but it's for a new sticker, I'm sure there's probably one on the website. Go to tcbpodcast.com click contact us and find I want my free sticker. I know you can do it and I can't wait to hear your thoughts on anything and everything. Love you. Bye.

[A]

Astrid. And my, one of my girls, they're lying. This climbing wall that is three and a half, four stories in the air. It's very Tall, and it's like a real climbing wall. And there's a bunch of children that are manning this climbing wall. But I can see that they have some kind of. I don't know if you. I don't know if you've ever been climbing. Did I tell you this story that.

[B]

I tried one time and I miserable.

[A]

Never went back. It's.

[B]

It's hard.

[A]

I wouldn't even try because of my fear of heights. I would get. I've been on children's climbing walls. Yes. That's like seven feet. Yeah. Like there's a place, a play place that we go. Yeah. My son wanted me to help him climb up, so I did that. You know, whatever.

[B]

Yeah, you can do that. But the real one with like the rope and the thing and. Yeah.

[A]

And the rope is one of those belay ropes, like an auto belay. So you climb up and then if you fall off, off, it automatically catches you and lowers you down slowly. It's an auto belay. So it's not someone actually doing it. Make me feel a little bit better. Okay. At least there's not some, you know, jack off teenager trying to make sure that my daughter doesn't come crashing down or God forbid, my wife. So I was like, okay, you know, here, I'll watch the baby while you do this. I guess, you know, be careful up there. Well, my daughter, there's. There's three sections of the wall. There's very difficult. Difficult and easy. So they put my daughter on easy. She can barely fit into the harness.

[B]

Right.

[A]

She's just tall enough to get into the harness. But I give her credit, she's fucking brave. She did it. Listen, she has never seen. I know she's never seen any of her parents exhibit that kind of courage because we don't have that kind of courage. But Astrid gets up there too. This is going on over the course of an hour. It's like my daughter first, and then we come back to it. And then Astrid and my daughter are doing it. And then Gustavo, who's just finished the ropes course, which of course I'll never do because that thing's three stories in the air. You gotta like walk on, you know, a tightrope and all of a sudd. Like, fuck that. I literally cannot get on a ladder without feeling afraid of heights. But Astrid goes on it. And then she gets down. She probably gets halfway up the wall and she goes down. And then Gustavo and Ale are getting in their gear to go next, and Gustavo goes, hey, brother, you're gonna go. Come on. Brother, let's go. And I. And Astrid turns to him, and she goes, he's not gonna do that. Like that. Something about that. Those words.

[B]

Yeah, it was like a challenge.

[A]

Compelled my balls to release a high dose of testosterone, and my brain went into auto shut off mode. And I. And after they. After they did it, I just didn't say a word. And after they did it, and I got braver and braver, and after Gustavo got down, I think he made it almost all the way up the difficult wall. After he did it, I jumped over there, and I said, loop me up, coach.

[B]

Harness me in.

[A]

I'm ready to go up. I am ready to go up, Chrissy. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I'm doing it. I have never been in a harness. I don't know how to climb a wall. I don't even know what you're supposed to do. But instinct takes over, and I quickly, quickly, and not looking down once, climbed right up that wall and rang that bell all the way up to the top difficult range, three and a half stories in the air, to which then my poor hands and body, my old, frail body just gave out. And I knew. I knew it was coming, but I was like, okay, I can't hold on any longer. I did it, and I let go, and the belay released, like, 10 of the 30ft, just like. And then it slowed down, but it slowed down in a way that I couldn't catch my body. So I literally landed on the ground flat. To which the young teenager who I think is there to help you in some way, shape, or form, Nice guy. Was like, whoa, dude. And I was like, oh, man. And then I was, like, having trouble getting myself back up. I was like. And he's just standing on top of me like, you all right, bro? And I was like, yeah, can you help me up? And he's like, wow, bro, you took a hit there. And I was like, yeah, can you help me up?

[B]

I'm picturing you climbing the wall. When I'm doing what I'm doing, I'm doing it.

[A]

Bing.

[B]

And then onto the floor.

[A]

I think Astrid has this on video, and if she does, I will put it on. I will put it on our Instagram at the commercial break. Chrissy. This was like. I really felt very proud of myself when I hit that bell. But, like, most of my life, most accomplishments are then superseded by some embarrassment. I can't win for losing. I must have looked like. I don't even think I've watched the video. I. I haven't watched the video. I must have looked like an idiot. Just falling non gracefully three stories down and falling directly on my back. I mean, I hit hard.

[B]

That's great for your back too.

[A]

Yeah, it's, you know, that'll. That'll make you sleep well at night. Yeah. And then I wonder why my back's hurt for the last couple of days. Actually, now I think I'm putting two and two together. That's it. That's why I landed directly on my back. But I was just. I don't know what made me. It's like the time that I jumped out of an airplane. I don't know what made me do it, but some kind of weird thing happens sometimes. Even though I'm terrified of heights and you probably. On any other day, we did a.

[B]

Whole zipline, zipline situation.

[A]

Mile in the air. Didn't we do like the world's longest zip line? Yes. Or the world's highest or something?

[B]

Yeah, it was very, very long. It was like 15 different stops. Very long, very high up in the air.

[A]

And there again, something in my brain takes over where I can manage to get over the fear.

[B]

You weren't just gonna have me do it.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[B]

You had to.

[A]

Well, yeah. When you decided you were gonna come, I think you said, let's we gotta do the zip lines. I've read about the zip lines. And what was I gonna do, have you do it by yourself? No. Let's both get in a harness, smoke cigarettes all the way through the tree canopy of Costa Rica.

[B]

I think I might have taken a.

[A]

Few shots of tequila oh my rum beforehand. I think so. I think it's pretty safe assumption if we're talking about that trip to Costa Rica, one or both of us was fucked up at any given hour of the day or all given hours of the day. That was a wild trip. Yeah. So I fly planes, I jump out of them, I randomly climb up walls. But if you tried to get me on a ladder to change a light bulb in my own house, my knees would shake. Literally. I don't know what it is. It was crazy. So anyway, so now I've had my adventure for the day, Right. I've decided, like, I'm a man. And I was so proud of myself. Astrid looks at Gustavo and she goes, goes, he still got it. And I was like, got what? I don't know. I probably look like a.

[B]

He's still got it. It's a back problem.

[A]

I probably look like a one Legged Spider man crawling up that.

[B]

I'm dying to see it.

[A]

I don't even think I used my feet. I think I was just pulling myself up.

[B]

Just adrenaline strength.

[A]

Yeah. I just wanted to get to the next thing so I could prove to myself that I could do it. But it was hard. I went on the difficult one. It was hard, Hard. So. Okay, so. All right, now we're done. Everyone's done. Oh, we get that arcade. And Chrissy, I give those kids. I give them $25. Like, I tell them, no, no, no, no, no about the arcade, because they started asking the second they saw it. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Money pit. Money pit. Money pit. And what do you get at the end? You get a rubbery ball and a pack of three sweet tarts for the $38 you've spent. It doesn't make any sense. But of course I give in because I'm like, germs. I know. Oh, God.

[B]

All those games.

[A]

But, you know, they're not going in.

[B]

And cleaning after all of those kids.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. I'll tell you the surprising thing. One second. I'll tell you about cleaning. That surprised me a little bit. So we walk into this arcade, and the arcade has surprisingly few video games and a whole bunch of things with claws. Claws. Those are the money pins and ways to win tickets. Skee ball, Wheel of Fortune. Those games of chance where you like something like the. There's these tickets wound in a big circle, like these big packs of tickets, right? Thousand, five thousand, fifty thousand. And you have to drop a little arm in there. They're all spinning around on this wheel real fast. And you have to drop an arm in there to try and shove them off. Off. And if you shove one of them off, you get. There was a kid this little. Every time he dropped that arm, he was getting, like, 50,000 tickets. The. He was putting them on his arm, and he had a whole sleeve of.

[B]

These tickets around with.

[A]

And I. Yes, Ropes. Ropes of tickets. And I'm. I'm like, I'm fascinated by this kid. Pudgy little redhead, just, like, mastering all of these games. And that wasn't the only time I saw him getting tickets. Wheel of fortune. He won 10,000 tickets. The kid had, like, 600,000 tickets. I'm like, how? So I asked him, I go, how are you managing to do this? And he goes, well, I've been here a lot. I get real good at it after a while. And I'm like, and where are your mommy and daddy? They're in the room smoking meth. They're at the bar doing coke. So these claws, these claws, they're 10 points each time and 10 points is like $3. Well, I've given my kids $25. Well, I managed to get. Get a claw thing for each of my children, but then fail at successful tips. So basically they get four claw attempts and then they're done with their money and then they're screaming and yelling because they didn't get the thing that they wanted to really get. So I said, that's enough. That's it. You know, you're getting shitty right now. It's like 8 o' clock at night.

[B]

I'll just buy you with that prizes.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. Well, the. One of the reasons why I say they were really the. Everybody there was really nice is because we actually didn't have the tickets to get them what they wanted. And the people just let us. They were like, I'll just have it. Which was nice. But then I thought about it. I just spent $110 at your arcade. Thanks for the bouncy ball. That cost a cent. Yeah, it cost one red cent. Yeah.

[B]

You had one of the. On the RFID bracelet thing. You were alert. They were alerted. He's spent.

[A]

Yes, he's in $6,000 now. Great.

[B]

Wolf Larsen's credit card doesn't go through.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Give him the.

[A]

Yeah, give it to him. Checkouts at 11. But we got out at 7 before they ran the credit cards because I didn't want them to lock me in the room. So we go back upstairs and now everybody's fussy, everybody's tired and everybody's hungry. That's it.

[B]

Hungry hangry.

[A]

So we're trying to figure out what to do. We've seen other people have other pizza box, like outside pizza places, boxes there. But we decide no because that may take a long time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we don't know what to trust out this far. Like we don't know which pizza place.

[B]

What about the guy from the elevator? What did he have?

[A]

He had the pizza from downstairs.

[B]

From downstairs?

[A]

Yeah, the Wolfie's pizza. Everything is Wolfie something, right? Yeah. Swim, Swim. Wolfie's dolphin or whatever it is. There's the taco place, there's the burger place. There's the Dunkin Donuts. There's the ice cream shop, there's the pizza place. And there's a cafeteria like place where they just make cafeteria type food. Well, the cafeteria place, for one reason or the other, wasn't open. I'm imagining dysentery, but, you know, who knows? It's like a cruise ship. The health department shut them down. I don't know. The taco place is open, but I'm not sure I trust tacos from Great Wolf Lodge.

[B]

The Wolf. The Wolfie Taco.

[A]

The Wolfie Taco, Yeah. And by the way, no one seemed to be getting the Wolfie tacos. So it made me a little suspicious. It's like my father in law always says, if the restaurant isn't crowded, there's a reason. Right? It's not good probably. So I thought to myself, well, I'm not sure I want to get, you know, the shits before I leave. Know Great wolf lodge in 12 hours. And then the burger place. Well, we've already had the burgers, so let's not have burgers twice. So what's pizza? So Astrid finds a way that you can order online, you can order the pizzas to be picked up down at this pizza place that's embedded in the inside of the adventure park, so it says. So Astrid orders whatever it is, four pizzas, wing a bunch of stuff. And she says, okay, be ready in 30 minutes. Okay. Okay. So one of my kids begging me, can I go with? Can I go with? Can I go with? Can I go with? And I know what it's going to be. It's just I want to buy the next thing. I want to buy the next thing. I want to buy the next thing. Yes, but as a father, sometimes you actually do have to hang out with your children. So I was like, all right, here. You know, these are the kind of moments they'll remember when they get older. My daddy told me no for an hour straight waiting for pizza as he got increasingly frustrated at humans in general. So I tell astrid after like 25 minutes, all right, it takes an hour to walk down there. So I'm going to go. And it'll be ready by the time I get. I go down there, they got these big screens. It's not even a pizza place. It's like a. There's a counter. And that counter they have a big glass refrigerator full of drinks. They have a counter. The counter has plastic plates, bags, cups. And then it's got like some cookies behind the glass and some other stuff behind the glass. And the little cash register over to the right where you can order stuff. Then it's got these screen. It's probably got seven tables in this little area and then a bunch of tables outside. It's still inside the facility, but Outside the actual in enclosure that is the pizza place. But then there's no ovens. Right behind that there's just this big wolf sign. And then there's a door where I imagine the kitchen is somewhere back there. Okay. They probably make all the food at one place and then just bring it to its respective restaurants. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

[B]

Yes, I would say. So they freeze it.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

And then six months later.

[A]

Yeah, this is not fresh pizza. This is DiGiorno's Afterthought Pizza.

[B]

That's the DiGiorno region.

[A]

Yes, that's right. Chucked in in mass and cooked there in some weird oven. So we've got four of these pizzas, big screens, and they've got names, order name. So it's got your last name ready, and then they're just shoving them in this box. And there's one poor kid whose responsibility is to yell out the names of the orders and try and get people their pizza. Well, what I notice as soon as I walk in is that our name is. There's like four screens and our name is on the fourth screen. And they're just getting to the people on the left hand side of the screen. And I'm like, I go, all right, son, take a seat. We're going to be here for a minute. I already know this. There are people that are sitting there, all of them, waiting for pizza. You can tell there are certain people who you can already understand, are irritated by this whole situation. You've walked in of.

[B]

Of madness.

[A]

Yes. There is a story to this moment, and you are walking in on that story and you don't know what's going on. So my spidey senses are. Are up. I'm trying to figure out, is there going to be a fist fight over the wolfies pizza or is someone going to lose their. Because there are certain indicators that I won't get into right now for various reasons. There are certain indicators on certain people that tell me that it's likely that someone could explode. Someone could explode or is in the. Is in the red process of exploding. And I'm just walking into it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I find a table, I sit my kid down right in front of the glass window. There is a lady with her three children, and she keeps walking back and forth trying to get the guy behind there's attention. She keeps on every five seconds, is that ours? Is that our ours? Is that ours? And he keeps on saying, no, it's not. I know your name as soon as. Okay, the Guy goes back to get more pizzas, comes back, I start realizing that every time the guy went back to get pizzas, she takes a plastic bag from, like, one of those things you see at Kroger, like a plastic bag hanger. She takes a plastic bag, she puts plates and napkins in it, and she tells her kid to go get a drink, and the kid puts the drinks in another plastic bag. That kid takes all of the accoutrements outside the restaurant, and the kid comes back every time the guy leaves. This lady is stealing plates, plastic bags. She literally took, like, 50 plastic bags off the thing and stuffed them in another plastic bag, told her kid to go get more drinks, and off away that goes. These people are stealing from the Great Wolf Lodge. Drinks, waters, sodas, utensils, napkins. It's like, what level of desperate you could afford to come to the Great Wolf Lodge? You can afford paper plates and napkins, and other people may need them. This is going to make it twice as expensive next time I decide to come to the Great Wolf Lodge because you're on scam. The honor system. She did have a scam going on. And I don't know. I'm sure other people noticed it. I couldn't have been the only one. One. Meanwhile, my son is like, can I watch your phone? Can I watch your phone? Can I watch your phone?

[B]

Did you bring an iPad for this excursion?

[A]

And I am engrossed in what is going on. And so finally, I just, like, I make it a rule of not giving my phone to my kids anywhere, but I just hand them the phone, and I'm like, here you go. Yeah. Meanwhile, he's on, like, you porn, and I'm here watching the ladies steal drinks. I'm just going, should I say something or should I not say something? Because, you know, this day and age, sometimes it's dangerous to say something. And maybe, just maybe, I'm making the assumption that she's not paying for it, but maybe it's possible that she paid for it. Well, after, like, the fifth time of grabbing four or five different liters of, like, Gatorade and soda, there's no way. Because, yes, there was an honor system in the sense the guy would hand you your pizza. He handed me my pizza, and then he said, you can get your drinks. I see you have this. You can get your drinks from the thing. He was telling everybody that. Right. But he wasn't really paying attention to what you were getting. Getting. But, you know, my kid's watching. And so I feel like even if I Wanted an extra soda. I don't think I would do it even if he wasn't there, but I'm certainly not gonna do it with my kid there. No way.

[B]

Or involve your kid.

[A]

Yes. In the theft of the Great Wolf Lodge pizza place. So after this lady got her pizza, there were people behind me, and they were in slow motion redneck explosion over how long this was taking their people pizza. And I could hear them talking. The parents talking amongst themselves, the children yelling at saying, you know when Wednesday's pizza gonna be ready, dad? And the dad would be like, I don't know, son, but I'm getting real pissed off. Yeah, I'm getting pissed off, too. You know, like a whole family of. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, they're breeding them in some kind of peach tree dish for. And I can hear these kids, you know? And my kid is like, daddy, I think that guy said the word. And I'm like, he did. And you don't repeat it. Only Daddy can say that on his podcast because that's how we make money. And you'll learn. You'll learn the hypocrisy of daddy later on in life, but for right now, you can't say the word asshole. That's right. So eventually, after, like, 40 minutes, the PR name comes up, up, and the guy comes out with our pizza. I know we won the pizza lottery, but when we stand up, the guy behind me is at the counter before I am. He stands up right away and walks right in front of me, and he goes, is that our pizza? And I go, I think he called my name. And he looks at the guy and he goes, this guy was here after us. And he goes, it goes in order. And maybe you were heard. Yeah, they ordered it before you. You. Oh, my God, did this guy blow up at this kid? And he was like, this makes no sense. How do you run an operation like this when people are waiting and this guy gets it before that guy? There's no making sense of this. Blah, blah, blah. This poor teenager is like, sure, I'll get my manager. But I. This is the way it is. You have to wait for your pizza. It'll be up soon.

[B]

You know, like, the pizza shop is the worst job.

[A]

Oh, my God. It was just like. Like, us. It was just like the worst of humanity comes out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And this is happening so much. We see it on social media, and now it's just, like, unfolding in front of my eyes. It's not the first time. It won't be the last. Time. But finally I just couldn't take it. I make it a point not to get involved because, you know, I got kids with me. Like, I don't want to be the ire of anybody's displeasure, right? But I finally looked at the guy and I go, hey, man, he's a kid. He's just doing what he's told to do. I know, I waited a long time for the pizza too. Like, you got to give him a break. It's very busy in here. He just, he's just trying to do what he's going to do. And the guy goes, man, that we all been waiting here 40 minutes. I go, I know, I waited as long too, but it'll be good once you get it. Just give him a break, right? Just give him a break. He's not the one that's making this all. Everybody in this whole place. Yeah. And the guy, to his small credit after having a major meltdown on this 14 year old teenager, did go and sit down as I was leaving the restaurant, right? But I was like. And then my kid is like this. He goes, daddy, what did you say to that guy? And I go, I just told him it would probably be best that he didn't yell anymore in the restaurant. And he goes, My kid goes, yeah, but we did wait a long time for the pizza. And I thought to myself, I am also growing a shithead in a peach tree dish. We are all fucked. And you know what? There's not much I can do about it.

[B]

Yeah. Are you saying peach tree?

[A]

This is.

[C]

Thank you, Chrissy.

[A]

It's Petri. What? Did I say peach tree? The entire episode I say peach tree dish.

[B]

Well, it's a. It's the Georgia thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

We live in Atlanta.

[A]

It's okay. It's also early in the week, so I'm still trying to get my sea legs under me. So you have to. Peach tree dish. It's a Lamborghini. Lamborghini. Lamborghini. You do a lot of talking.

[C]

It's okay. It's hard.

[A]

It is.

[B]

I know.

[A]

You don't know how many words I get wrong all the time. I'm just a wordsmith that can't get the words right.

[B]

Well, I think you were a little flustered too, thinking about the Great Wolf Lodge, which I venture to say you will never get back to.

[A]

No, that's not true. We're planning our next visit to the Great Wolf Lodge. Well, here's the thing. I also don't really care for Disney World right now with small children, but the. And I think some things have just gotten out of control about Disney World pricing, layoff staff, over commercialization. Even though that's funny, I'm saying that about Disney World, but they've over, over commercialized it. But the children love it and it's not about me. For once in my goddamn life, I'm not going to be selfish. We will at some point go back to the Great Wolf Lodge because the kids had so much fun and no one ended up with their anuses falling out. So there you go. I guess we'll give it that no one threw up. But what surprised me about the Great Wolf Lodge as far as cleaning was concerned is we could see inside of the glass walls of that place. And when the pool closed that 9pm I didn't see one, not one person in there cleaning. Now, it's very possible that could have been done later on in the night. Yeah, it could be done down under in the machinery. I don't know. But I thought certainly a crew is going to go in there and just spray that place down, fix the chairs.

[B]

Get everything back in order.

[A]

Listen, I'm sure somebody who works there can tell me differently, but I didn't see anybody in there. And that made me a little bit surprised. Surprise. So when we.

[B]

You didn't take advantage of the next day we did.

[A]

We went there. Yeah. We got up and I took the, I took the kids to the pool and we had fun. Anyway. 212-4333 tcb for 212-4333, tcb tcbpodcast.com Add the commercial break on Instagram tcbpodcast.TikTok and YouTube.com the commercial break. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now.

[B]

I think so.

[A]

But I'll say that I love you, bestie. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say and we must say goodbye. Yeah, boy.