Sailing On Noah's Ark!

Transcript

Paul (0:02)

Hello, my name is Paul. Thank you very much for taking my call. I have tried to find your home since you tried to block my calls on your cell phone. I'll be a friend. I'm your guy. I'll be your laundry folder. If you'll just buy. Here's the deal. I'll sell it all. I'm a black belt in the arts.

Brian Green (0:31)

Of the.

Paul (0:33)

Rang you once, rang you twice, Showed up at your office. Here's my advice. Please don't run. Don't try and stall. You can't resist the power of cold.

Chorus/Group (0:47)

Cold call Cole. Call Paul. Cole. Call Paul. Cole. Call Paul. Code call Paul.

Paul (1:05)

I've tried so hard. I've been so kind. I've driven by your office 20 times. I followed you on Instagram. I even sent your wife a strip program.

Chorus/Group (1:21)

Code call Paul. Cold call Paul. Code call Paul. Code call Paul. Code call Paul.

Paul (1:41)

Kung fu sales.

Chorus/Group (1:43)

Cold call.

Paul (1:45)

He is on a roll.

Chorus/Group (1:48)

Call Paul. Code call.

Rachel (1:58)

On this episode of the commercial, get below this deck.

E (2:03)

Noah, service my yacht engine.

Brian Green (2:10)

All due respect to my wife, of course, she. I actually asked her to be like, what have you go, yeah, good luck with that, Brian.

E (2:16)

I've been there, done that.

Brian Green (2:18)

Good luck.

E (2:21)

Been there, done that. Don't need the T shirt. Thanks anyway. Tell Noah good luck. He farts in his sleep. Get out of there after sex. See you later. Dua Lipa would be like, did you shower today?

Brian Green (2:44)

The next episode of the commercial break starts now.

E (2:49)

The party of the morning.

Chorus/Group (2:51)

The Commercial Break: "Sailing On Noah’s Ark!"

Release Date: August 21, 2025
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley
Episode Theme: Absurd reality TV, medical drama obsessions, and unhinged sales wisdom from “Cold Call Paul.”

Overview

In this delightfully chaotic episode, Bryan and Krissy riff on their current pop culture obsessions, especially bizarre reality TV and medical dramas, all while lampooning and dissecting a hilariously misguided sales "guru" named Cold Call Paul. The pair’s signature banter delivers a refreshing send-up of internet hustlers and the eternal weirdness of television, peppered with rants, confessions, and affectionate mockery. If you love the feeling of stumbling into a wild conversation at a bar and laughing until your cheeks hurt, this episode is your new best friend.

Segment Breakdown & Timestamps

1. Cold Call Paul Song & Introduction

[00:02 – 01:41]

The episode opens with a parody song from “Paul,” a fictional (or maybe real?) persistent sales caller, complete with a chorus chanting “Cold Call Paul.” The sketch is packed with over-the-top lines about sales desperation and Kung Fu metaphor.
- Memorable lyric: "I followed you on Instagram. I even sent your wife a strip program." (01:05 – 01:21)
Sets a goofy, absurdist tone.

2. Reality TV Rant: "Are You My First?"

[02:03 – 08:48]

Bryan launches into his new reality show obsession: a fictional-sounding show called "Are You My First?" on Hulu—a competition where 36 “alleged virgins” (Bryan and Krissy doubt the veracity) gather on an island.
- Bryan (03:20): "Everyone looking to get fucked on Disney’s island."
- Krissy asks questions about the premise, and the two debate whether "hymen check" is a real thing and the feasibility of verifying virginity on TV.
- Bryan (04:45): “They're hoping that a few people get deflowered on the show. Makes for good television. Everyone’s rooting for everyone to get laid on these shows anyway.”
The hosts riff on contestants giving various reasons for abstaining, some described as “girlboss” power moves, and mock the bizarre incentives of modern reality TV.
Parallels drawn to shows like The Bachelor, Love Island, plus TLC’s failed “The Virgins.”
- Krissy (06:34): “Nothing wrong with being a virgin. More power to you.”
[04:00 – 07:35]: A tangent comparing losing your virginity to drugs and their own twisted podcast.
Brian (06:33): “It’s up there. Heroin, crystal meth, a new episode of The Commercial Break.”

3. TV Obsession Corner: "Aliens Earth," "Fargo", and "The Pit"

[08:50 – 18:33]

Bryan shares updates on two series:
- Aliens Earth: Sci-fi show, five different alien species, but episode three “took a step backwards.” (08:48–09:49)
- Fargo: Another new season rumored; hosts are excited.
"The Pit": Both are obsessed with this medical drama for its realism. Discussion about showrunner Noah Hawley (mistakenly confused with “Noah Wiley”).
- Bryan (11:30): “What I like about The Pit is its ultra realism… there’s not a lot of extra baggage or drama in this show.”
They riff on “the drug addict doctor,” tracheotomies, ER flashbacks, and how “Pit” eschews senseless romance for gritty, day-in-the-life action.
- Krissy (14:52): “There were a lot of tracheotomies going on.”
- Bryan (15:14): “Where has Noah Wyle been all my life?”
Bryan confesses a fan-crush on Noah Wyle, jokes about ideal threesome with Dua Lipa. (“Trach me, Noah!” 18:33)

4. Celebrity Crush Confessions

[18:33 – 23:03]

Bryan describes following Dua Lipa’s life online, Krissy adds to the roster of their “island” crew for a fantasy below deck cruise: Noah Wyle and Dua Lipa.
- Bryan (22:06): “On our private yacht in the Mediterranean, just sucking and fucking all the time.”
The riff continues with jokes about yacht sanitation and post-coital routines.

5. Cold Call Paul: The Martial Arts of Social Media Sales

[24:36 – 59:21]

a. Setting the Stage

[24:36 – 27:39]

Bryan & Krissy introduce Cold Call Paul, a “guru” who makes low-fi YouTube videos teaching sales through social media, branding it the “martial arts of sales.”
- Krissy (27:01): “He’s a lovable guy.”
The duo mock his “verbal diarrhea” of buzzwords that never land on actionable advice.

b. Video Review Segment

[28:15 – 59:21]

The hosts play and dissect segments of “Part Three” of Paul’s series—titled “How to Get Qualified Leads on Social Media.”
Takeaways (or lack thereof):
- Paul’s wardrobe changes—military pants to “suburban dad” jeans—get more discussion than his tactics.
- Paul’s steps: Get qualified leads, convert them to sales, build relationships, but never gives actual details.
  - Bryan (32:21): “Nothing gets my pickle in a tickle more than someone showing up with a PowerPoint with the words they’re about to say written on it.”
- Paul’s advice is to “stick out like a sore thumb,” research who follows/likes/shares your content, and cold call those people.
  - Krissy (41:49): “Say I just started a lawn care company... ok, I’m going to target people with lawns.”
  - Bryan (43:03): “Can you open up your phone and follow me, then I’ll call you later?”
- Endless mocking of his apparent assumption that any like or follow is a sales lead and treating social media as an endless cold-calling list.
  - E (54:41): “I was researching your middle child and noticed he lost a tooth—I can play the tooth fairy and cut your lawn for $49.99.”
- Paul warns against “the bot strategy”—buying fake followers—and is praised for keeping it “real,” but mostly for comedic value.
Bryan, exasperated (58:25): “I wish there was just one bullet point...that we could take away and say at least we got that out of it.”
E (59:21): “I did not understand a fucking word. Oh my god.”

6. Show Wrap-Up & Merch Reminder

[59:21 – End]

Bryan & Krissy close out, plugging TCB merch and recapping their gleeful confusion at Cold Call Paul’s methods.
Flirt with the idea of calling every Instagram follower as the new “Cold Call Paul” strategy.

Notable Quotes & Moments

On Reality TV:
- Bryan (03:20): “Everyone looking to get fucked on Disney’s island.”
- Krissy (06:34): “Nothing wrong with being a virgin. More power to you.”
On The Pit:
- Bryan (11:30): “What I like about The Pit is its ultra realism. There’s not a lot of extra baggage or drama.”
- Krissy (14:52): “There were a lot of tracheotomies going on.”
- Bryan (18:33): “Trach me, Noah. Trach me.”
On Cold Call Paul:
- Krissy (27:01): “He’s a lovable guy.”
- Bryan (32:21): “There’s nothing more exciting than someone showing up to a meeting with a whiteboard or a PowerPoint that has the words you’re about to say written on it.”
- E (43:03): “I want to stalk you on my Instagram growth strategy for converting sales to leads to sales.”
- E (54:41): “I was researching, discovering and analyzing your middle child and I noticed he lost a tooth and I wanted to call and say, congratulations, I can cut your lawn for $49.99 a month.”
- E (59:21): “I did not understand a fucking word. Oh, my god.”

Episode Highlights (with Timestamps)

Cold Call Paul song parody: [00:02–01:41]
Are You My First? reality show skewering: [02:03–08:48]
The Pit/ER tracheotomy banter: [13:00–14:52]
Bryan’s crush fantasy (Noah Wyle & Dua Lipa): [18:33–23:03]
Deep dive/destruction of Cold Call Paul’s “strategy”: [24:36–59:21]
Host closing rants, merch plug, and social media jokes: [59:21–End]

Tone & Style

Irreverent, self-aware, and joyfully snarky. The hosts gleefully dissect internet and TV absurdity with a blend of affection and teasing. If you’re looking for actionable advice—this isn’t the place. But for camaraderie, laughs, and wry pop culture commentary, it delivers in spades.

Final Takeaways

Bryan and Krissy have a deep (and deeply unserious) love for both trashy reality TV and hyper-detailed medical dramas.
“Cold Call Paul” is essentially a living cautionary tale of sales advice gone awry—funny, bewildering, and ultimately, galvanizing for the hosts’ own new “strategy” of pranking their listeners.
The Commercial Break remains the “Cheesecake Factory” of podcasts: overstuffed, eclectic, and always, always ridiculous.

“Does that make sense?” – Cold Call Paul [multiple times, never quite landing].

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