Saved By the Hell!

Summary

The Commercial Break – Episode Summary

Episode Title: Saved By the Hell!

Date: July 15, 2026
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley
Theme: A hilarious, freewheeling roast of low-budget Christian films—specifically the creationist movie "Gramps Goes to College"—with acute riffs on pop culture, sports corruption, and all-purpose American weirdness.

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Main Theme & Purpose

In this episode, Bryan and Krissy immerse themselves in the wonderfully bizarre world of poorly produced Christian movies, providing a live commentary track to "Gramps Goes to College," a creationist film intended to defend biblical creationism versus evolution. Along the way, they detour into the rigging of professional sports, political hypocrisy, and the absurdities of internet longevity gurus—delivering improvised, irreverent, and sharply observational comedy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Professional Sports Corruption & Media Shenanigans

• FIFA/World Cup Rant: Bryan discusses Spain’s World Cup win and uses it as a launchpad to rant about corruption in FIFA and professional sports at large.
  Quote:

  "The World cup and FIFA continue to prove themselves to be a joke amongst professional sports... Every professional sport that you love is pro wrestling." (04:05)

• Sports as Entertainment: Both hosts agree televised sports are often more rigged than people care to accept.
• NFL/Taylor Swift Conspiracy: Sarcasm about the Chiefs and Taylor Swift being in the Super Bowl due to her relationship with Travis Kelce.

2. Political Hypocrisy & Health Rumors

• Political Corruption Digression: The duo riffs on the universal corruption of politicians ("Clear them all out...from AOC, everybody"), focusing on the flexibility of ethics in DC and Trump’s unique style of dishonesty.
• Lindsey Graham’s Legacy: Bryan criticizes Graham’s closeted existence and damaging anti-LGBTQ stances despite personal history.
  Quote:

  “It's such a shame to be so self-hating that you want to take away rights for people who are essentially in your... similar situation.” (09:44)

• Mitch McConnell Conspiracy: Pokes fun at viral rumors regarding McConnell’s health, comparing doctored hospital photos to bad Photoshop jobs.
• Longevity Influencers: A sidetrack on aging biohackers and the irony of one developing liver disease; commentary on desperation for immortality through bizarre science.

3. The Instagram Science Battleground

• Vakyle Abs / Social Media Skeptic: Bryan brings up an Instagram bio-skeptic who debunks creationist dogma and spars with Christian nationalist filmmakers. This segues into the episode’s core: the roasting of “Gramps Goes to College.” (13:54)

4. Live Watchalong: "Gramps Goes to College"

Opening Impressions (21:14 – 24:00)

• Plot: Grandpa (Gramps) enrolls in college to fight “liberal, secular humanist professors” and stand for creationism.
• Bryan/ Krissy Commentary:
  • Astounded by the film’s bad audio, wooden acting, and nonsensical script.
  • Krissy cracks up at the gym scene:

    “I don’t think there’s any weight on there!” (23:17)

  • Bryan quips:

    “He’s going for the pussy, you know?” (23:53)

Absurd Tropes (24:32+)

• Gramps is “going to war” against leftist professors, determined to save young minds from evil evolutionists.
• Both hosts compare it (unfavorably) to “Back to School” with Rodney Dangerfield.

Dorm Life & College Logic (27:57 – 32:38)

• The “co-ed dorm” scenario:
  • Gramps is incredulous he’ll be put in a dorm with both genders.
  • Bryan lampoons:

    “Who goes to college at 65 and moves back into the dorms?” (32:16)

  • Krissy:

    “There’s no way you would pair, like, an 18-year-old with a 65-year-old man!” (32:11)

• Running joke: Gramps would be more at home at The Villages senior resort.

Bizarre Script Choices & Dubbing (32:54 – 36:39)

• Hosts note obvious dubbing, nonsensical lines, and unnatural dialogue.
• Extended riff on Gramps introducing himself:

  “At your service. Affirmative, fellow human.” (46:08)

Meet the Students & Stereotypes (41:36 – 49:07)

• Mikayla: Naïve Christian “waiting for marriage.”
• Roommate/Party Girl:
  • Krissy unmasks the cartoonish writing for a “sinful temptress”:

    “I’m a bit of a player. How about you? Either you’re a player or you don’t like boys.” (42:43)

  • Bryan:

    “Let me guess, you haven’t had that cherry popped yet. Well, honey, we’re gonna fix you right up. Let me suck some dick for a car ride.” (44:03)

Creationism vs. Biology 101 (49:44 – 58:56)

• Gramps asks academic advisor: “What are the chances of a creationist getting into a biology grad program?”
  • Advisor:

    “Your chances are equivalent to the prospects of a snowball surviving in hell.” (50:14)

• Bryan lampoons the “liberal bias in colleges” as cartoonishly presented.
• Intro biology class scene: Only two stand up for biblical creation; professor calls it “foolishness”.
• Bryan notes the fantasy world where college actually operates this way.

Campus Gossips & Cliffhanger (59:06 – 62:23)

• Other students discuss the new “old guy” standing up to the “evil lib professor.”
• Bryan:

  “The whole college is talking about it… not the newest TikTok about Taylor Swift, but the old guy going toe-to-toe with the God-hating biology teacher.” (59:28)

• Episode cuts off with a promise to continue roasting the movie in the next show.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

On the movie's absurdity:

• "It's like they got Chat GPT to write the script." — Kristen Joy Hoadley (45:32)
• "This is like a movie about an alien who's trying to pretend he's human." — Brian Green (46:15)

On campus realism:

• Bryan: "Which college class did you walk into where all the lights were off? Why are all the lights off in there? Hot for teacher." (55:30)

On creationism vs. evolution:

• Dr. Tucker (movie): "By the time you finish my course, almost no one stands to confess this foolishness." (56:35)
• Ty Bounds (movie): "The fool has said in his heart that there is no God." (58:12)

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Notable Timestamps

• 04:05: FIFA/World Cup corruption rant
• 09:44: Lindsey Graham hypocrisy and LGBTQ discussion
• 13:54: Introduction of Vakyle Abs and social media creationist debunking
• 21:14: Start of "Gramps Goes to College" riff/watching party
• 27:57: Co-ed dorm scene, "Who goes to college at 65 and moves into the dorms?"
• 41:36: Introduction of Mikayla and roommate, tropes on "party girl" vs. "waiting for marriage"
• 49:44: Creationist asks about grad school chances; delivered hell metaphor
• 55:48: Biology professor throws down "superstition" gauntlet in first class
• 59:06: Students gossip about the “old guy” confronting professor
• 62:23: Episode wraps, promises follow-up

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Overall Tone & Style

• Improvised, fast, and irreverent – The hosts break down every logical flaw and wooden line in the creationist movie, often inserting raunchy, absurd interpretations and pop-culture references.
• Casual camaraderie and chaotic riffing – Bryan and Krissy’s chemistry shines as they ping-pong reactions and one-liners, mocking the earnestness and ineptitude of the film’s message and production.
• No-holds-barred—no one (politicians, sports stars, Christian filmmakers, or internet personalities) is safe from their comic dissection.

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Useful Links (Referenced)

• TCB Instagram
• TCB Podcast
• The movie "Gramps Goes to College" (roasted, not recommended!)

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For Listeners Who Haven’t Tuned In…

This episode of The Commercial Break is a wild, comic takedown of overzealous Christian media, with digressions about corrupt institutions and contemporary oddballs. Bryan and Krissy’s commentary is full of quotable burns and off-the-cuff insights, making a painfully awkward movie into comedic gold. If you love lovingly savage banter, this is an episode not to miss—even if (especially if) you’ve never sat through a Christian infomercial movie yourself.

Transcript

[Brian Green]

You've got a big day.

[Dr. Tucker]

So you use unstoppable scent boosters to

[Brian Green]

give your laundry non stop freshness. So no matter how long the day goes, you can't stop.

[Chrissy]

This power, this walk, this pose, this

[Brian Green]

strut, this look, this talk.

[Dr. Tucker]

Your clothes will be so fresh you

[Brian Green]

can confidently strut into that end of the day meeting like a boss. Boss, Boss, boss, boss, boss, bosses. Let's talk business in my office. Add new unstoppables beads to your wash

[Dr. Tucker]

for 24 hour non stop freshness so

[Brian Green]

you can smell unstoppable. On this episode of the commercial break, who goes to college at 65 and moves back into the dorms?

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

Yes. That means both for male and female.

[Ty Bounds]

Yeah, I'm aware what the word co ed means. I'm just a little bit surprised and confused because I expressly asked for a men's dormitory.

[Brian Green]

Oh, a men's dormitory. I expressly wanted the gay college experience. I was looking for the bath house.

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

Well, our male dorms book up rather quickly. Is this for your grandson?

[Brian Green]

Excuse me?

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

The room. Is it for your grandson?

[Ty Bounds]

It's for me.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I'm picturing him getting into his dorm room and, like, decorating it.

[Brian Green]

The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah. Cats and kids. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co host of this show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Best to you, Brian.

[Brian Green]

Best you out there in the podcast and streaming universe. Cans out. No yams out today. I don't have a fresh shave, so I don't want to. I don't want to show everybody my. I don't want to show everybody my dick sticks unless I've got my. My. This is a little extra hairy than normal. Yeah, they're not nice and smooth. Okay, so. But you know, a lady's got to do what a lady's got to do. The things we women go through, honestly, just to impress the men in our lives. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Now you know.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Then Gustavo's here, and he's like a hairless cat.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Gustavo's here.

[Brian Green]

Gustavo's here. You didn't see him. Oh, they're back. They're in the back. They're at the pool. Yeah, yeah. They're jumping in the pool. They're having a grand old time. Those kids, the kids with uncle Gustavo and aunt Ale, they're just. They're both here. And Ali and Gustavo, they're here. They're hiding.

[Rachel]

They're hiding.

[Brian Green]

After yesterday's Spain win, Spain goes into the finals of the World cup for the first time in 40, 14 years. Is it 40 or 14? I can't remember. I don't know. I can't remember, but it's been a while. But Spain looks unbeatable, I gotta tell you. It was like a perfect game of soccer. Yeah, Spain really did a great job against a very, very difficult team. So France, I think, was the favorite to win the World cup, but now Spain becomes the favorite, unless they play Argentina, in which case every referee will be the extra man on the field for Argentina because it is just as corrupt as it can be. The World cup and FIFA continue to prove themselves to be a joke amongst professional sports. Now, professional sports guys and gals, I've got some news for you. I've been working a little bit in the field of journalism, actual journalism, not this kind of journalism where I just pretend to know stuff, but actual journalism. And I've been hearing some stories or some reporting that's being done on behalf of. I can't get into details because I'm under NDA, but I will tell you right now that I think most of professional sports is really a sham and shenanigans. And they do anything they can to protect their best players, the ratings makers, the stars. Sure, they cover up, they lie, they insinuate. It's pro wrestling, basically is what it is. Every professional sport that you love is pro wrestling. And the chips are in, man. I mean, they honestly, they play it. They have ways to manipulate things, to play it the way they want to, and they're in cahoots with the networks that broadcast those games. It's just a bunch of fucking horseshit is what it is. So not. Not that we usually. We should really be surprised at anything. NFL football is rigged. Did you really think the Chiefs were all that great? Travis Kelsey's married to Taylor Swift. That's why we need her in the Super Bowl. Hey, listen, you know, it doesn't surprise me. It's just like after hearing in on some of these conversations, it makes me realize just how corrupt it is on all. On behalf of all parties. There's no, like, there's no brokers of honesty. And they're all in on it. They. They pay each other large sums of money just to make sure that the game still continues to be played the way they want it to be played. FIFA just openly corrupt. FIFA's like Donald Trump.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, it does seem like that, right?

[Brian Green]

Every president since Washington, after Washington, maybe after Lincoln, have really been corrupt in some kind of way. Trump is just Outwardly corrupt. He just says that. The weird thing is Donald Trump is both the most dishonest person I've ever. I've ever seen and the most honest person I've ever seen. There is no filter on that pea brain of his. He just says whatever the fuck comes to his head.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, yeah. I mean, it just as a case in point, yesterday, we're taxing everybody 20%.

[Brian Green]

Never mind, never mind. I don't want to do that. I'm gonna. We're gonna take 20% of all the oil. Never mind. Bad idea. Yeah. He just throws it out there after consideration. I had a stroke and I Stroke and decided to change it. Man. I'll tell you what, Donald, Donald Trump's health situation, you can really go down a rabbit hole on social media.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Green]

There are so many people who are just going crazy, are crazed trying to figure out what's going on with Donald Trump. You know, supposedly he's taking this, like, super secret drug that's not on the market right now to help him with coronary heart disease. And, and Donald Trump Jr. Went to Noro Disk or Norovoro Disk or whatever the name of that is, and asked them personally to allow his father to take this drug for compassionate use. Which is the only way that essentially that you can get a drug that's not on the market, that's still in testing and trials, has not been approved by the fda. You can go to the drug maker and you can say, can you get, can you test, can you give it to someone based on compassionate use? Which means you're dead unless you take this drug.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, wow.

[Brian Green]

And there's only one person in the world that's taking this drug on compassionate use. And now they haven't said who that person is, but they have said he's in the Washington, D.C. area and he's 80 years old. Who do you think it is? And Donald Trump Jr. Took a trip over to Sweden to meet this pharmaceutical manufacturer, and there was no other purpose for him being there. He literally went, had the meeting and came back. And then like two weeks later, they had to. Because you have to tell. It has to be like public knowledge that you're giving this drug away. So something's going on with his health. But this. Listen, Lindsey Graham fell dead over the weekend.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I was gonna say, yeah, that was coronary, too.

[Brian Green]

Well, you know, I'm, I would say I'm really sad about this. There was a time. There was a time when John, when Lindsey Graham went through his, like, John McCain era where he was like buddy, buddy with John McCain and they were voting in similar directions and they were talking about similar things that I actually thought Lindsey Graham had had some common sense in his head. And when Trump ran the first time, and Lindsey Graham was such an outspoken critic directly to other Republicans about Trump and warning people about Trump and then flippity floppity dippity doppity man and how that change.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, he went all the way.

[Brian Green]

He went right on his knees for Donald Trump, didn't he?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

All the way.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. The thing that bothers me most about Lindsey Graham, I will say this, is that I was just listening to a reel by some guys, some guys that I work with, and they said, listen, politics is one of those places where you have to lie constantly in order to get your job done in the way that you need to get it done. That's just part of the gig. Right, I agree. I understand. I got it. You have to like, you have to lie bold face, lie to the cameras and then in the back rooms try and edge things around that. That to get that right. And all of the politicians do it. And. And that's why Washington is such a ghastly place, is because that's how the game is played. So I can understand a little bit why Lindsey Graham felt the need to buddy up to power because he wanted. He had an agenda.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

A lot of people did. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

A lot of people still do. They really suck up to this incredibly corrupt human being because they want to have a little bit of power themselves and they want to get things done that they want to get done. I think of Marco Rubio, who also used to be a voice of reason until very recently. The one thing that I will say that I think is really reprehensible is that Lindsey Graham, I think it was no secret with anybody who has any kind of knowledge about Washington D.C. or senators. Lindsey Graham was a gay man. And. And many of his former lovers have spoken publicly. He is a gay man. There's no doubt about it. Never said it out loud, but he was never married, never had children, but he had relationships with men. And they have since come out over the years. But he did such damage to that cause.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Of lgbtq. And it's such a shame to be so self hating that you want to take away rights for people who are in.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Who.

[Brian Green]

Who are essentially in your. A similar situation that you are. But the rules didn't apply to Lindsey Graham because he was a US Senator and he got to do what he wanted to do. So it didn't make a Bone a difference to him. He had to toe the line. But that's just. To me, it's reprehensible to be that hypocritical. And then is Mitch McConnell or isn't Mitch McConnell dead?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Are we going to figure that part out?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

There's a whole thing.

[Brian Green]

Everyone's tuned in to hear me talk

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

about politics with him and his wife.

[Brian Green]

It's the most ridiculous thing you've ever seen. Who wears jeans in a hospital? Who's wearing jeans in a hospital? There was a girl, like a Photoshop expert who found a picture of him in that exact same shirt with a jacket on. And he's sitting in the Senate chamber with this shirt on and this jacket on. And she takes the picture and she superimposes it onto the other picture. And the wrinkles and waves on his shirt are exactly, really exactly the same as the one. So this is clearly Photoshop. My opinion, there's. There's some shenanigans going on here.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I think there's something going on.

[Brian Green]

Of course there is. That's there. There just. There is no end to the depravity in Washington. And it. I clear them all out, as far as I'm concerned. Clear them all out. All of them from aoc, everybody. Clear them all out. And let's put in who we got. Who's good? What, what? Do we have any good politicians out there?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I don't know.

[Brian Green]

Are there any?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I don't know.

[Brian Green]

I don't know either.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I don't know what to believe.

[Brian Green]

I don't, I don't think there's anything to people.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Seems pretty good.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, listen, I like stuff.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Warnock seems pretty good. So I, you know, but who knows?

[Brian Green]

I don't agree with everything that they stand for. You're never going to. Right? But, but I, I think Ossoff has done a job, you know, I, I think he should be re. Elected in my, in my humble opinion. But, you know, can't we get. Isn't there somebody that can just go check on Mitch McConnell? Is there like anybody that could just go, like, say hi to him at the hospital and just make sure he's still breathing? Because it seems weird that you send out a picture and you write this letter, you know, then. But why not a video if you look that good, if you're doing that well, why not put out a video?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, it's very strange. There's lots of speculation and conspiracy theories.

[Brian Green]

I will tell you what, after three weeks in the hospital, Mitch McConnell looks better than he has in 12 years.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know, right?

[Brian Green]

Doesn't he. He looks great.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Maybe you get a transfusion or whatever.

[Brian Green]

Maybe he got children's blood.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes, yes.

[Brian Green]

Adrenochrome. Our podcast is probably gonna get blocked from YouTube now. Cause I said the word adrenochrome.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Whatever those longevity experts are doing.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah, well, that longevity expert now has liver disease. Did you see that?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, I didn't.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, the guy who's, like, trying to be the live the longest. Yeah. He's trying to beat back time. And he spent billions of dollars trying to do it. Whatever. That guy.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Netflix special about him, right? And he was, like, using his son's sperm or something.

[Brian Green]

He's like, yeah, he's drinking his son's sperm.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He was doing all kinds of crazy.

[Brian Green]

Eating small deer. I mean, he's like. He's doing, like, weird, crazy stuff. Anything and anything that he can think of or that the scientists might even sniff that might make him better. But now he's got some, like, autoimmune liver disease or something. So kiss. Didn't work. Guess it didn't work. You got to get a return. Can you get any of that money back, is the question. Because it seems like a weird way to burn millions of dollars. And now I see him on Instagram. He's, like, pitching, like, you know, groons. He's, like, pitching vitamins now.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, little.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, we took grooms.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We did. Yeah, a little gummy green thing.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, we took groons. So this is a good time to take a commercial break, I think. Listen, we're back in action. Happy to have you here with us here on the commercial break. What I'd like to do. Chrissy, there is a guy that I have been following on Instagram and let me give you his name right now so we can get this all out of the way. Did you know you can look at your history on Instagram, like, what you've watched? I just figured this out yesterday, and it's fascinating. Sometimes I watch a reel and then I go to sleep or something, and then I'm like, wait, I want to see that again. Yeah, I want to see what I was doing. Your watch history. Okay, here it is. I will now give you the name of the guy that I'm talking about.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay?

[Brian Green]

It is Vakyle Abs. Vakaya labs. Okay. I'm going to put a link in the show notes. This guy. Labile labs or vakyo labs. However you say it. Vakyle. Let me spell it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Labs. His last name.

[Brian Green]

Really have no idea, to be honest with you who? This guy is Forest Vakali. Okay. He identifies as him. Hers. Is him Hers.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's a new one.

[Brian Green]

No, him.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He. He.

[Dr. Tucker]

She.

[Brian Green]

He. Them. They. He is a biologist and a science communicator. He's also a skeptic. What he does is he essentially takes people who still believe that, you know, the book of Genesis is essentially the creation story. He has spent his time on social media trying to beat back these kind of silly claims that some of these people make. And there was a guy that he really went after, like this Christian fundamentalist, Christian nationalist, Christian scientist, so to speak, that he went after. Because this guy is just like totally putting a bunch of out that dinosaurs didn't exist or the dinosaurs were created at the same time. Man was created all by God in one day and all this other stuff. And so this guy just kind of methodically went through and broke down, debunked, debunked all of this. At least if you believe in science. That's the way I saw it, right? And I. I tend to believe in science. That's my thing. So that's my thing. Science. That's my thing. Your thing might be bullshit. My thing is science.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

So this guy, the guy that he was debunking is also a director of, of low rent, low quality, cheaply made Christian movies. And he made a whole movie about the guy that's debunking these mythologies. So he got so mad at this guy that he made a. He made a movie with this guy as a character in the movie and got, you know, like a real fucking idiot, right? It's called Gramps Goes Back to College now that's the name of it. And it is Steven Spielberg esque. I don't even know what to say. I'm just so excited to share this with you, Chrissy.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Can't wait to see it.

[Brian Green]

Also, Digger. Have we seen the trailer for Digger?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No.

[Brian Green]

You're gonna watch it on the, on the break. I'll tell you what, everybody, right now, we're gonna take about two minutes. I want you to go watch the two minute version of the trailer starring Tom Cruise. The movie Digger. Wait until you see the insanity of this movie. You're gonna love it. Everyone's gonna want it. I'm so excited about this movie. Never been this excited to see a Tom Cruise movie, but I can't wait to see it. All right, let's take a shoot. Let's take a two minute break. We'll be back with Gramps Goes to College. Ciao.

[Rachel]

Hey, it's Rachel, your new voice of God here on tcb. And just like you, I'm wondering just how much longer this podcast can continue. Let's all rejoice that another episode has made it to your ears. And I'll rejoice that my check is in the mail. Speaking of mail, get your free TCB sticker in the mail by going to tcbpodcast.com and visiting the Contact Us page. You can also find the entire commercial break library audio and video, just in case you want to look at [e-mail] Want your voice to be on an episode of the show? Leave us a message at 212-4333, TCB. That's 212-4334-3822. Tell us how much you love us and we'll be sure to let the world know on a future episode. Or you could make fun of us. That'd be fine too. We might not air that, but maybe. Oh, and if you're shy, that's okay. Just send a text, we'll respond. Now I'm gonna go check the mailbox for payment while you check out our sponsors, and then we'll return to this episode of the Commercial Break.

[Musical Performer]

I saw you in there in the VIP bottle service in Hennessy? My heart went crazy it skipped a beat I thought could be with me? I walk over to you, we lock eyes? You're my wife and I realize you're with my friend and it's no surprise? Watching you two makes my flag rise? I have a cut cut crush on you? I have a cut cut crush on you? I hide in the closet, let you do what you do? I have a cut cut crush on you? So baby grab your phone, start to swipe? We need to spend some time getting it right? I don't want you to be alone tonight? I want you to cheat without a fight? When you're in the bed with my favorite guy? I hide myself and try not cry? I love you lady but I won't lie? My therapist even wonders why I have a cut cut crush on you? I have a cut cut crush on you? I hide in the closet, let you do what you do? I have a cut cut crush on you? Grab a man and let's paint the town? I'll stay in the corner and watch it all go down? I promise not to make a sound While you and neighbor ground and pound? It's so lovely to be your man? I can't do what the other guys can? But when you're happy. I feel grand. He can be your lion, I'll be your lamb. I have a cut, cut crush on you. I have a cut, cut crush on you. I hide in the closet let you do what you do. I have a cut, cut crush on you. I have a threat cut crush on you.

[Brian Green]

That's insane. Is that not insane?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Wow. I need to like rewatch it because.

[Brian Green]

Oh my God. I know. You have to like take it all in again. It's really crazy. Came out of nowhere. Had no idea about any of this. Had no idea that. And I keep my eye on these kind of things. I had no idea this mo.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I haven't seen anything about it.

[Brian Green]

But look at that fucking cast.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, the cast.

[Brian Green]

John Goodman, Tom Cruise, Jesse Plemons. Jesse Plemons. This is going to be an. It's an insane movie. The. The trailer reminds me of Citizen Kane. Like it's that kind of oddness that's going on. And apparently it was filmed with these old cameras that give it the depth like Citizen Kane had, like this certain look and feel.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

I can't wait. I hope it's as good as the trailer because the trailer looks fantastic. I mean, the Trailer has about 322 cuss words in it. Like you usually don't see those in trailers. But Tom Cruise is talking about his dick. He's about 80 pounds overweight. I mean, older. Yeah, older. This is. Someone said in the comments this is Tom Cruise soft launching old age.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Finally.

[Brian Green]

Finally. All right. Okay. Let's get to Grandpa Goes to College because we don't have a ton of time today. We might have to get back to this tomorrow. Grandpa Goes to College. Here it is. This is a Christian fundamentalist movie. They're going to teach us all about how creationism. Now we might not get through a bunch of this, but we'll follow up on it tomorrow if I can change. There we go. All right. Just, you know, it's a little slow today. Oh, wait, why isn't it. This does this every time, Chrissy. Every time. Every time. I can't figure out. But you know what the crazy thing is, is when this happens, people say they can hear it. It's just us who can't hear it, so. But you know, we're probably the people that need to hear it.

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

Right?

[Brian Green]

We need.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We do need to hear it.

[Brian Green]

Since we're going to be talking. Yeah. Since we're the one. And this is hard for me to do because I got to. Now go over here. Can.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Can you.

[Brian Green]

Can you talk, Chrissy?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I got a crush on you. Oh, that's a classic. We need to do some more songs.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I actually have a couple of extra. I have a couple of new songs. I just need to load them in there. I. I made them about a month ago, and I need to load them in there. All right, here we go. Gramps goes to college. If I can. Wow. I'm having all kinds of technical difficulties today. Here we go. You're beautiful Lord, you're beautiful

[Musical Performer]

and your

[Brian Green]

face is all that I see

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Sword of the.

[Brian Green]

Sword of the Spirit. Yes Productions. Oh, come on. No. What's going on here? Now I can't hear it again. There we go. You're beautiful.

[Chrissy]

Ooh.

[Brian Green]

It stars Carol Anderson, Courtney Lee Simpson, and Kaitlyn Vorst in Bramps Goes to College. Creationism. Evolution.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

What a title.

[Brian Green]

I know. Now watch how quickly the music cuts out here. This is really weird. Ready?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Then we're done.

[Brian Green]

They not have an audio editor.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay. Looks like a grandpa.

[Brian Green]

Grandpa in the gym.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Doing a gym.

[Brian Green]

Now that you're retiring, what are you gonna do? Work out and fish all day?

[Josiah Morris]

Yeah.

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Ty Bounds]

You know, workaholics never retire, Ted. They just switch to something they want to work on instead of something they have to.

[Brian Green]

What exactly do you want to work on?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Is that blue in the background?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's blue in the background. And is this guy even doing exercises?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I don't know.

[Brian Green]

So it's two guys in the gym. One is obviously Gramps. I'm assuming this is Gramps.

[Ty Bounds]

Right.

[Brian Green]

And then you got a younger guy who's just like. He's. He's moving his arm back and forth, but I'm not sure there's any exercise.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I don't think there's any weight on there.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Meanwhile, Gramps is in a Jesus lives T shirt.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yep.

[Ty Bounds]

Now that I don't need to make a living, I'm free full time to work on what God wants me to do. I feel led to go back to college.

[Brian Green]

You already have a degree, don't you?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Ty Bounds]

I'm not gonna go for another degree. Just take some courses.

[Brian Green]

I'm going for the pussy, you know?

[Ty Bounds]

Found south somewhere. Never been down there.

[Brian Green]

Me either. Heard it's beautiful down south somewhere.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Never been there.

[Brian Green]

Never been down south. Beautiful. I've never been to akron, which is 12 miles south of where we live. Never been there. But I do hear it's beautiful. Jesus is calling me to go to go to school in the South.

[Ty Bounds]

Got a daughter down there in Tennessee. I might try it down there Even though she won't Even talk to me. At least it'll give me a little sample what life's like for her down there.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

What, he's gonna go back to the daughter's college?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, he's going to daughter's college.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She doesn't even talk about Rodney Dangerfield.

[Brian Green]

Movie there was Back to College, Back to School. What a great movie.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That was a great movie.

[Ty Bounds]

I get it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He doesn't look like the Rodney Dangerfield character.

[Brian Green]

Belles.

[Ty Bounds]

You're funny. You know those southern belles that just be barely older than my grandkids?

[Dr. Tucker]

Love it.

[Musical Performer]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

You know this guy is a pervert. You know he is.

[Ty Bounds]

My court days are over.

[Brian Green]

Excuse me, but I'm baffled. You're too old for romance and college athletics so why would you shell out the big bucks to pay for tuition to return to the classroom? Somebody needs to get the trainer that I had at Crunch Fitness over to this guy I know, looks like me in the gym. He's got no weight on this, on this exercise machine and he's just moving it back and forth. If you can move it that easily, I'm not sure it's doing anything for

[Ty Bounds]

you because I'm going to war.

[Brian Green]

Just when I think I'm tracking you, you throw me a curveball.

[Chrissy]

War.

[Brian Green]

You think this guy who's acting alongside Gramps here goes, goes home at night when he gets this, when he auditions and he says I think this is my big break. I think this is my break.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes, he's ready.

[Brian Green]

I'm going to be in Digger. Digger's next.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He's with Tom Cruise next.

[Brian Green]

That's right.

[Ty Bounds]

The majority of those kids don't realize. The majority of parents don't even realize those kids are being brainwashed by liberal secular humanist professors.

[Brian Green]

Liberal sex hungry. Did he say liberal sex hungry professors?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I love it.

[Ty Bounds]

Who use their power over the mighty GPA and their. Their influence over developing young minds.

[Brian Green]

And you're going to stop that single handedly. By the way.

[Chrissy]

Let's.

[Brian Green]

Let's point out Gramps form on his exercising too. Yeah, it looks like he's got weight on those bars but he's moving them as if they're plat like. Like plastic.

[Dr. Tucker]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Dummy dumbbells.

[Ty Bounds]

I know my limitations. But I know that I can at least touch a few lies. If I stand up and speak the truth in love.

[Brian Green]

I know I can touch a few tits. If I just get down to where my daughter goes to college and be one of the students God's calling me.

[Ty Bounds]

Maybe, just maybe, someone's gonna grasp the concept that There really is a devil, and he is working overtime to deceive us into all manners of destructive beliefs and behaviors.

[Brian Green]

Who sees these movies? I don't know, like, who's someone, like, sitting down and going, family movie night. Let's watch Gramps Goes to College.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, they just shown it to, like, other churches or I don't know.

[Brian Green]

I can't imagine. There is not one dime worth of profit in making a movie like this. But they gotta be at least I kind of understand costs involved in this type of stuff. It's gotta be a half a million dollars, quarter of a million dollars spent on cameramen and women and all this other, like, post production. There's got to be somebody who funds this. And then there must be an intended audience. But I can't see. Even if I lived in this world, I can't see me watching this and going, you know what? This would be make a great family movie night. You can't even get through the first five minutes. I don't even understand. I don't understand. It's so boring. And the audio editing is fantastic. Oh, look, it's a house.

[Chrissy]

Believe you're doing this to me. I'm a senior, and seniors don't stay in the dorms.

[Brian Green]

You don't have to stay in the dorm.

[Chrissy]

And you know I don't have the money for rent. And you ref.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

What in the world is that? No, I don't. Daughter from Tennessee.

[Brian Green]

That's right. You know I don't have the money for rent.

[Chrissy]

Just pay rent on an apartment. So in reality, you're making me stay in the dorms. It's bad enough that I don't have my own car and I have to be chauffeured to school like a little elementary school student, but to have to stay in the dorms, it's humiliating. I'm 21 now.

[Brian Green]

Well, look at the bright side.

[Dr. Tucker]

You're a senior.

[Brian Green]

Only have to do it one year. And the next time you want to drink and drive, maybe you will think about the consequences. Ooh, scandal. Right out of the gate. Oh, I love it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Punishment.

[Brian Green]

Yes. And by the way, she's right. Seniors aren't allowed to live in the dorms. I don't think that's a thing.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, I don't think so.

[Brian Green]

Consider yourself lucky that I was even

[Dr. Tucker]

willing to pay for your last year of school.

[Chrissy]

There is no doubt that I'll have to hear about your generosity for the rest of my life. Why don't you buy me a new car?

[Brian Green]

Because I can't afford a Car and insurance and schooling. I'm not the one who wrecked your vehicle. Wait, but you got her a chauffeur to and from school. Okay, all right, all right.

[Chrissy]

Sucks. I hate it.

[Rachel]

Sucks.

[Brian Green]

I hate it. I hate using this fake Southern accent the entire movie.

[Chrissy]

To quit school, dad wouldn't have to pay child support anymore.

[Brian Green]

She's going in and out of that accent. Do you notice this?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Uh huh.

[Dr. Tucker]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

All of his child support goes pay your tuition and part of my salary. If you don't want to get your degree, I'd be more than happy to take you to a homeless shelter instead. Maybe you would think that is less

[Dr. Tucker]

humiliating than the dorm.

[Chrissy]

When we get to the campus, I want you to stay in the car. I don't want anybody seeing me with you.

[Brian Green]

Who is this little fucking bitch who talks to their parents like this? Honestly, first of all. Second of all, the accent is terrible. Third of all, some of these things. Some of the things about this story are making little to no sense.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

What about her salary?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, what about her salary? And what is in. Why are you paying child support at 21 years old? No one pays child support at 20. It stops at 18. It's the law by me. Another stock photograph. The editing here is just.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, it's bad. Where is that? Is that like the.

[Brian Green]

It's a library retirement home. Showing a picture of a big building. It looks like a retirement. Imagine one of a million places across America that's like independent living.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Village Apartments.

[Brian Green]

Looks like apartments. Yeah, and. But no, this must be the college she is going to. Do they not have any, like audio? They could put in like music transitions or some noises?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The budget didn't call for that.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I guess not.

[Ty Bounds]

I hope so. I'm looking for Hickerson Hall.

[Brian Green]

I thought this was it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But is he at the dorms? Is that supposed to be dorms

[Rachel]

in the hall?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He's definitely too old for the dorms.

[Brian Green]

And what happened to the. What happened to the. The sound? It just went away. This is terrible. This is really terrible. I can't believe that a production company put their name on this.

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

Oh, this is Hickerson. It's a co ed dorm.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He is in the dorm.

[Brian Green]

Co ed. I am gonna get my dick wet.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That would never be allowed.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And who goes to college at 65 and moves back into the dorms?

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

Yes. That means both for male and female.

[Ty Bounds]

Yeah, I'm aware of what the word co ed means. I'm just a little bit surprised and confused because I expressly asked for a men's Dormitory.

[Brian Green]

A men's dormitory. I expressly wanted the gay college experience. I was looking for the bath house.

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

Well, our male dorms book up rather quickly. Is this for your grandson?

[Brian Green]

Excuse me?

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

The room. Is it for your grandson?

[Ty Bounds]

It's for me.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I'm picturing him getting into his dorm room and like decorating it.

[Brian Green]

Wearing a towel around the co ed, Slapping towels.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

There's no way you would pair like an 18 year old kid with a 65 year old man.

[Brian Green]

You wouldn't allow a 65 year old man because then a lot of 65 year old men's would be in the co ed dorm, right? Am I right? I mean, listen, there's a place called the Villages where I'm sure there's a lot of 65 year old men that would rather be at the co ed college dorm.

[Ty Bounds]

What's the matter? Don't you have any sexagenarians ever stay in his dorm?

[Dr. Tucker]

What?

[Brian Green]

Oh, but by the way, the reason why we can't hear, the reason why the audio is off is because this is all dubbed. They're not actually using microphones in the scene they're they're trying to make. They're going back and they're dubbing over their own lip.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right?

[Brian Green]

Lip syncing.

[Ty Bounds]

Sexagenarian. It means someone who's 60 something years old.

[Brian Green]

Looks like one of those Chinese. Like those martial arts films.

[Dr. Tucker]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

I will kill you.

[Musical Performer]

Oh

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

no. We normally only have students under the age of 20 in the dorms. What's your name?

[Ty Bounds]

Ty Bounds, at your service. That's B O U N D S.

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

There you are, Mr. Bounds. All right, let me get your packet for you.

[Brian Green]

And you are in room. Let me get you a packet for you. I had it ready. I didn't notice that you were a sex degenerian coming to stay with us 327.

[Ty Bounds]

Well, thank you much. When I open up this door327, I'm not gonna find a female roommate behind it, I hope.

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

No sir, the dorm is co ed, the rooms are not. Your roommate is a 20 year old student named Brad Hanson.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Brad?

[Brian Green]

Brad. Surprise.

[Mikayla Morris]

Brad.

[Brian Green]

Hey, it's me. What are we getting up to tonight? You smoke a little weed? You gonna roll a doobie?

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

You're welcome,

[Mikayla Morris]

Dad, I. I appreciate the ride.

[Josiah Morris]

Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss this for the world.

[Brian Green]

I love looking at young girls in dormitories.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It looks like quite the lively drop off too.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you just drop people off right in front of the fireplace. Dad, I really appreciate the drop off. Are you kidding me?

[Josiah Morris]

Suppose you remember when I walked you to kindergarten on your first day?

[Mikayla Morris]

No, but seen the videotape of it a hundred times.

[Josiah Morris]

Oh, that's right. I wish.

[Brian Green]

That's right. We still have videotapes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The right videotapes.

[Josiah Morris]

Mother could share this moment with us.

[Mikayla Morris]

Me too. But if she hadn't taken the new job to help me get through school, you wouldn't have to drive me here.

[Josiah Morris]

True. I love how you grasp reality without flinching.

[Brian Green]

I love how the.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's certainly how a dad speaks to daughter.

[Mikayla Morris]

Absolutely.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I love how you grasp reality without flinching.

[Brian Green]

The script is so realistic, first of all. Second of all, it's so realistic that the words are coming about a full second before the mouth moves. It's unbelievably poorly edited.

[Mikayla Morris]

And reality says it's time you let go. You knew someday I'd fly from the nest.

[Josiah Morris]

I know.

[Brian Green]

It's like a bad episode of Saved by the Bell.

[Josiah Morris]

Yeah, but that doesn't make it.

[Rachel]

Wait.

[Brian Green]

He's already been to the dorms and back. Yeah, he's already downstairs.

[Josiah Morris]

I'll pray with you before I leave today.

[Brian Green]

I'd love to pray with you.

[Josiah Morris]

I'd love that. Go ahead.

[Brian Green]

Good. Good. Who talks like that? I'd love to pray with you before we leave. Good. Excuse me, sir.

[Josiah Morris]

Which way is chicken?

[Brian Green]

It's right around the corner there.

[Josiah Morris]

Thank you.

[Brian Green]

My pleasure. Excuse me, sir. Which way is Chicken? It's right next to you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Directly in front of you.

[Brian Green]

It's right in front of you. More dead silence.

[Mikayla Morris]

I'm Michaela Morris.

[Rachel]

Hi, Michaela.

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

I'm Ms. Sarah, the dorm mom. It's nice to have you here at Hickerson.

[Brian Green]

Let's get you checked in.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Hickerson.

[Brian Green]

Hickerson Hall. Hickerson hall with Ty Bounds. Just remember that, all right? There you are.

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

You are in room 268. Your roommate, Stephanie Carter has already checked in.

[Mikayla Morris]

Awesome. Thank you.

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

You're welcome.

[Mikayla Morris]

Can my dad go up with me? Absolutely. But he.

[Brian Green]

He needs to pray before he does.

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

Shouldn't go in the room itself.

[Mikayla Morris]

Okay.

[Rachel]

Thank you.

[Brian Green]

All right.

[Mikayla Morris]

Glad to have you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Can't go in the room itself.

[Rachel]

Why?

[Brian Green]

What? They don't allow parents in the rooms here? Wow. They allow a 65 year old man to be roaming the halls at all hours of night and day with female and male students 42 years younger than he is. But don't let dad inside. Oh, there's some background noise. This is a retirement home. There's no doubt this is a retirement home. They're filming in

[Josiah Morris]

hi Again. Do you work here?

[Brian Green]

Oh, hi again. This is how I talk. Hi again. Best to you

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

and to you.

[Brian Green]

Hello, fail.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Hello. Best to you, Brian.

[Brian Green]

Best to you. Hello fellow human man. I have just dropped my daughter off after praying with her at Hickerson dormitory.

[Ty Bounds]

Actually I'm starting tomorrow as a student here.

[Josiah Morris]

Oh, good for you. So is my daughter.

[Ty Bounds]

She looks like a real sweetie.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She.

[Brian Green]

She's got. She's a hot piece of ass and I'm looking for a sugar daddy to get her through school. What do you say you pop on over to room 3, 6, 7 is.

[Josiah Morris]

And my prayer is that she stays that way.

[Ty Bounds]

Well, I'll add my prayer to yours. What's her name?

[Josiah Morris]

Mikayla. You're a praying man?

[Brian Green]

Absolutely, absolutely. Look at my Bible.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I'm sitting here reading the Bible.

[Brian Green]

Sitting here in the front of the dormitory reading my Bible, waiting for 18 year old women to walk on by so I can say, can I pray with you? I'll add my prayer to your prayer. And I'll double your prayers and ask that Kayla walk through the hallways naked in front of me.

[Josiah Morris]

Appreciate all the prayer you can give Michaela. She's gonna be running the gauntlet of temptation and the world.

[Rachel]

Him here.

[Ty Bounds]

Agreed.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The world, agreed.

[Brian Green]

This is the way we talk here on earth.

[Ty Bounds]

You know, not only will I pray for her, I'll try to keep an eye out for her as well.

[Josiah Morris]

I can't tell you how much I'd appreciate that. I'm Josiah Morris.

[Ty Bounds]

Ty Violons at your service.

[Josiah Morris]

God bless you sir. And I hope your experience as a non traditional student will be rewarding.

[Mikayla Morris]

Well.

[Brian Green]

What in the. Who talks like this? Where are the script supervisors? You have to make this interesting for people to watch. This is already probably one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It's better than LA Confidential. That one was very bad. Yes, but at least it had a little flavor.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

At least a little action.

[Brian Green]

A little action had a little flavor? Had it had a plot point or two. This is just dumb. I mean there's. It's not even close to realistic. The reason why Back to School was such a fucking hit is because it was a. It. It bounced on and ridiculed the experience of college life from the eyes of a 60 year old man who was just like this party hard, lovable dude and it was fucking hilarious. You suspended disbelief because Rodney Dangerfield was such a character. That's all you wanted to see was Rodney Dangerfield get into trouble. It's also the 80s and things were different back then. This is not even interesting. And I am not rooting for this character. He's a douchebag who doesn't talk like a human being at all. So, all right, let's do this. Let's take a short break and we get back. We'll get through a couple more minutes of this and then maybe we have to get back to this tomorrow.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I think so.

[Brian Green]

Now I'm invested. God damn it. Now I have to see what happens. All right, let's take a break.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He's going to war.

[Brian Green]

He's going to war against the zealots and what do you call them? Troganades, the glibs, the sex crazed lib professors there at Hickerson Hall.

[Rachel]

Let me do something Brian has never done. Be brief. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break. Text or call us. 212-4333, tcb. That's 212-433-3822. Visit our website, tcbpodcast.com for all the audio, video and your free sticker. Then watch all the [e-mail] thecommercial break and finally share the show. It's the best gift you could give a few aging podcasters. See, Brian, that really wasn't that difficult, Mal, was it? You're welcome.

[Brian Green]

Brian got it wrong. All right, we're back here with Gramps Goes to College.

[Ty Bounds]

I can safely say, without any fear of being wrong, it's going to be interesting.

[Brian Green]

Oh, sorry, I can't see us. Hold on. There we go. All right, we're back in Mikayla's room.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She's unpacking.

[Brian Green]

What is going on here?

[Mikayla Morris]

Oh, hey, you must be Stephanie. I'm Mikayla Morris. I'm a freshman vet.

[Chrissy]

Figures. You got a car?

[Mikayla Morris]

No, why

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

the figures got car?

[Brian Green]

You gotta drive me around.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know.

[Brian Green]

I got three DUIs.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

One of them a way to step in as a bully. God.

[Brian Green]

You got a car? Cause I got some I need to pick up from my plug. I got some cocaine waiting on the corner I gotta meet. Dude.

[Chrissy]

Well, my wheels got towed at the car cemetery last summer, and I was really hoping.

[Brian Green]

My car cemetery?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Wait, what?

[Brian Green]

My wheels got towed to the car cemetery last summer. Who talks like that?

[Chrissy]

He would be so kind to lend me hers from time to time.

[Mikayla Morris]

Sorry.

[Chrissy]

No problem. I'll just have to mesmerize some boy with a nice car.

[Mikayla Morris]

You don't have a boyfriend?

[Brian Green]

I'll just have to resort to prostitution for a ride. What in the world?

[Chrissy]

Me, I've got lots of them. I'm a bit of a player. How about you? Either you're a player or you don't like boys.

[Dr. Tucker]

What?

[Mikayla Morris]

Neither. I'm waiting for the boy that I want to marry.

[Chrissy]

You can have lots of fun til Prince Charming comes along. There's a party tonight. I can introduce you to a few candidates.

[Mikayla Morris]

What kind?

[Brian Green]

What kind of candidates? The kind with dicks, honey.

[Mikayla Morris]

Have a party.

[Chrissy]

You don't have parties where you come from?

[Mikayla Morris]

My family has birthday parties.

[Chrissy]

You're in college now. When in Rome you do as the Romans do. And here we party hard.

[Brian Green]

We party hard. I didn't expect a little hussy of a character to be in this movie. It's clearly a Jezebel on the scene.

[Chrissy]

Chrissy, whole family life is behind you. Now I'll just have to find us a ride.

[Mikayla Morris]

Is this one of those parties where there's alcohol or drugs?

[Chrissy]

It's not a party without alcohol.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

If it's a good one.

[Musical Performer]

Fuck yeah.

[Brian Green]

Fuck yeah. It's pregaming it for the Widespread show later on this afternoon here in Hickerson Hickerson Hall.

[Mikayla Morris]

And you won't need to find a ride for me in that case.

[Chrissy]

So you don't drink. And let me guess, you're still a virgin too.

[Brian Green]

What a bitch.

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

I know.

[Brian Green]

Let me guess, you haven't had that cherry popped yet. Well, honey, we're gonna fix you right up. Let me suck some dick for a car ride. We're going to the party.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Hop in.

[Brian Green]

That's right. It's gonna be Dickamania. We're gonna have two in the hand and one in the ass. Don't worry about it, baby.

[Mikayla Morris]

Right on both counts.

[Chrissy]

Must be some kind of religious thing.

[Mikayla Morris]

I'm a Christian.

[Chrissy]

That figures.

[Brian Green]

That figures. Oh yeah.

[Josiah Morris]

Are you the janitor?

[Ty Bounds]

No, why?

[Josiah Morris]

Why are you in my room?

[Brian Green]

Are you the janitor? Does the janitor usually walk into your. Are you the janitor? No. Why? Cuz it just puked in the corner and I need you to clean it up.

[Ty Bounds]

Your room. Well, if you're Brad Hansen, that would make this our room. High bounds at your service.

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

Surprise.

[Brian Green]

Why is everybody being such a dick in this movie? It's high bounds at your. Why do you say at your service?

[Josiah Morris]

Surprise.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I'm your 65 year old roommate.

[Brian Green]

Surprise. I'm a 65 year old Bible beaten roommate. And I'm here to go to war with the sex crazed lib professors. Don't worry, no one will be getting laid while I'm around.

[Josiah Morris]

Why are you going to college? I mean, shouldn't you be hanging around the senior citizen center playing bingo and bridge and drinking. Insured.

[Ty Bounds]

Let me guess.

[Brian Green]

It's like they got chat GPT to write the script.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, it's bad.

[Ty Bounds]

You're the Dale Carnegie's course on how to win friends and influence people.

[Josiah Morris]

No disrespect intended.

[Ty Bounds]

Just.

[Josiah Morris]

I thought that's what seniors did.

[Brian Green]

Yes, no disrespect intended.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Janitor.

[Brian Green]

Janitor. Grandpa does.

[Ty Bounds]

No offense taken. You know, my philosophy is the mind is like a muscle. You don't use it, you lose it.

[Josiah Morris]

I gotcha.

[Brian Green]

I got you. That's pretty wise words coming from you. You're all in. Is that a Bible you're reading?

[Ty Bounds]

Affirmative.

[Brian Green]

Affirmative. At your service. Affirmative, fellow human.

[Mikayla Morris]

This is.

[Brian Green]

This is like a movie about an alien who's trying to pretend he's human.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Josiah Morris]

Here I was worried about getting a party animal for a roommate, not being able to study at all, or much

[Brian Green]

less read my Bible without taking a

[Ty Bounds]

lot of flack for.

[Brian Green]

Here I was worried about having any fun whatsoever.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, he reads the Bible.

[Ty Bounds]

Well, I've been called an animal before. Never a party animal.

[Josiah Morris]

You know, my grandfather's totally computer literal.

[Brian Green]

What's that?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

What kind of animal were they?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, what kind of animal? Yeah, in bed. Are you wild, man? I mean, we know you had sex at least once because your hussy daughter. Which I imagine was what this is gonna all come down to is that he finds out his daughter is down the hall in the. And she's the one. Yeah, who's gone completely off the rails is how he. We know he had sex at least once.

[Josiah Morris]

I sure hope you have some knowledge of computers because it's kind of hard

[Brian Green]

to survive college these days. About that skill.

[Ty Bounds]

I think I'll be okay in that area. I was a data processing professional for 30 years as a computer programmer.

[Brian Green]

I think I'll be okay in that area. Let me give you some of my bona fides from my real life, not as an actor. I was a computer processor for 30 years. I wrote in C. Is that what the kids are doing these days? I think you'll survive. You want to pray with me?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

God, you want to. This is so bad. Oh, no.

[Brian Green]

You ever done underwear praying? Do you know what bosom buddies means there?

[Chrissy]

I can't believe it. I have Joan the Baptist for a roommate. Why are you even staying in the dorm? I don't want to talk about it.

[Mikayla Morris]

Didn't you tell us you were a

[Brian Green]

religious geek when you started college? She was. I remember that. Took a while for us to get her to a party yeah, but once you got her there, she became the life of the party, right?

[Rachel]

Pretty much.

[Brian Green]

This is how girls chat.

[Chrissy]

Well, I was, but those days, they're all a distant memory, Professor. What do you mean?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You were just going to go to a party tonight?

[Brian Green]

No, she was saying she was a religious freak.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, okay.

[Brian Green]

I'm following along.

[Mikayla Morris]

The.

[Brian Green]

The. It's not hard to follow the script, actually, because there's, like, a word every three seconds. They're talking slowly and purposefully, and it's all dubbed last with the air on my face.

[Ty Bounds]

Bl.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Real good.

[Chrissy]

I mean, how can Jesus Christ be the son of God if science proves there is no God?

[Brian Green]

God. God. This is how I think Southern people say. God. Look at it this way. You have the chance to change a

[Mikayla Morris]

saint into a sinner.

[Chrissy]

Good point. I'm gonna have to find satisfaction in something this year.

[Brian Green]

Now let me get out my dildo and show you girls how to give a real blowjob. Maybe this is like a cartoonish character of what a woman, like a liberated woman might act like because she has sex and she goes to parties and she likes to drink and she's been in a little bit of trouble, then she's just, like, cartoonishly terrible human being. Yeah.

[Chrissy]

Issues. And Extreme Makeover is my ticket.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, here we go. Now we're on campus.

[Brian Green]

On campus.

[Ty Bounds]

I was wondering, what are the chances of a creationist getting into a graduate program in science here?

[Brian Green]

Well, I was wondering how the college all of a sudden looks like a room in someone's house. That's what I was wondering. Are you asking this question out of curiosity, or would this be a personal matter? Well, I believe that God created the

[Ty Bounds]

universe and everything in it, but I would like to get my master's in biology. I see.

[Brian Green]

I see. Well, you're a. Then your chances of being accepted as a graduate student is approximately equivalent to the prospects of a snowball surviving in hell.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, my God. Like the counselor would say that.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, first of all. Second of all, this guy wants to make himself out to be a real hero for creationists.

[Ty Bounds]

It has nothing to do with my age.

[Brian Green]

Your age is of no concern to us. Your superstitions and your refusal to accept sound science is because that's how counselors at college in Hickerson talk. Are you currently a student here?

[Ty Bounds]

Yes, sir.

[Brian Green]

No, you just got a meeting with him because he wasn't a student. You just take random meetings with strangers. This is so ridiculous. I love it today.

[Ty Bounds]

Excellent.

[Brian Green]

And I suggest you take. Astrid gets upset at me because I oftentimes point out plot points or holes in plots or people will say something, then they can contradict themselves a couple of scenes later. And I'll point those things out because this is the way my brain works. And she. It drives her crazy because she gets lost in the fantasy of the movie, right? She just wants to.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, yeah, keep going.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, that's ridiculous. He just said this and now they're doing that. And this is like. So this to me is like candy. I love how ridiculously Swiss cheesy this movie is. There is no. This is based in no reality. Not the talking, not the interactions, not the way that this guy. Yeah, they could ground this in a little bit of reality. Like the guy goes back to community college and finds he has a professor that is, you know, that believes only in, you know, evolution and he believes only in creationism. And the two of them have lively discussions while he falls in love with the old maid that takes care of the library.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And then he becomes the janitor.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, then he becomes the janitor. It's Good Will Hunting, Jesus style. Biology 100 from Professor Tucker. She'll coax this creationism from you.

[Ty Bounds]

Hmm, really?

[Brian Green]

Is he like a witch now? She'll coax this creationism from you. These superstitions and goobly gock in your brain.

[Ty Bounds]

Well, I just.

[Brian Green]

We're all sex crazed lib professors happen

[Ty Bounds]

to be signed up for that class, you know. John Scopes of the infamous monkey trial in Dayton made an interesting observation.

[Brian Green]

His quote was, the infamous monkey trial. Yeah, it was.

[Ty Bounds]

There more intolerance in higher education than in all the mountains of Tennessee, I think.

[Brian Green]

What? Huh?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I don't know what is happening.

[Ty Bounds]

Mr. Scopes had it right. Ironically, the word biology means the study of life. Evolutionists leave out the most important thing about life. In fact, they teach us more about death than they do life.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Take that.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, wha. Babe, take that.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And what's that thing on the back of his shirt?

[Brian Green]

I have no idea.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It looks like he's holding a flap.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah, it's cigarettes. He's holding cigarettes. What is that? Take that. 5:30. Why is there no transition music or noises? It makes this movie unwatchable. Almost.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Is that you?

[Ty Bounds]

No,

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

we just almost had to add in some.

[Brian Green]

I know what is going on here. In between scenes, they're like,

[Josiah Morris]

that's my friend Tom.

[Mikayla Morris]

Hi, Mikayla.

[Brian Green]

Don't look now, but here comes that

[Josiah Morris]

old guy that lives in our dorm.

[Brian Green]

Are you kidding me? The man's a fossil. What's he doing in college, a little

[Ty Bounds]

bit of science humor.

[Rachel]

Not much.

[Brian Green]

Finally, two people who can act.

[Mikayla Morris]

He is not a fossil, he's a man. And a nice one at that.

[Brian Green]

Do you know him?

[Mikayla Morris]

Not officially.

[Ty Bounds]

Hi, Mikayla.

[Brian Green]

Hi, Mikayla.

[Ty Bounds]

Saving the seat for someone?

[Mikayla Morris]

No, sir, thanks. How did you know my name?

[Ty Bounds]

Your dad and I had a little chat after he left.

[Brian Green]

There's 300 seats empty in this room. Mind if I sit on your lap?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know

[Brian Green]

he's not a fossil, he's a man. And a nice one at that. He's my love interest in the movie.

[Ty Bounds]

The Office at the Dorm.

[Dr. Tucker]

Excuse me. I just need to check and make sure that you're a registered student. We don't allow people to just drop in. Do you have your student card?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Let me see your student id.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I sure do. It's right here.

[Dr. Tucker]

Tie bounds. There you are. Well, welcome to my class, Mr. Bounds.

[Josiah Morris]

Thank you.

[Dr. Tucker]

I hope you enjoy yourself thoroughly. You know, it's not often that I get to instruct someone from my generation.

[Ty Bounds]

Well, I'm convinced I'm gonna find this class absolutely fascinating. I do hope you allow student interaction.

[Dr. Tucker]

Oh, from you I'd be very receptive.

[Brian Green]

Oh, now we finally get to the action of the movie. That's right. And by the way, which college class did you walk into where all the lights were off? Why are all the lights off in there? Hot for teacher.

[Rachel]

Boo.

[Brian Green]

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Not for long.

[Ty Bounds]

That poor woman doesn't know what's about to hit her.

[Brian Green]

I'm hard as a rock. She has no idea.

[Dr. Tucker]

Welcome to Biology 100. I'm Dr. Tucker, and this is my 25th year teaching this class. I'd like to start this semester with a question, and I am going to ask this question, same question during the last class of the semester, and we'll see the comparison. I would like all of you who believe that God created the universe and life as it is to stand up.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, because that's how they do. Biology class. You start biology class with a question about God?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yep.

[Brian Green]

Only two people stood up.

[Dr. Tucker]

We always have a number of students who cling to the superstition, but by the time you finish my course, almost. No one stands to confess this foolishness.

[Brian Green]

That's how I like to talk. No one stands to confess this foolishness. He who come into my classroom stands to confess this foolishness. Not at the end.

[Dr. Tucker]

All right, you can all sit down.

[Brian Green]

All right, second question. Who's circumcised? Can I get an amen?

[Dorm Staff (Ms. Sarah)]

Now?

[Dr. Tucker]

I would like to put one Student on the spot. And then we'll begin to look at how life evolved on this planet to where we are today. Mr. Bounds, would you care to make a brief statement about how you feel about my question?

[Musical Performer]

What.

[Brian Green]

In what world is this? Biology class?

[Musical Performer]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

No, this is the most ridiculous. Hey, whoever. The guy who's playing Tie Bounds, who is the director and the writer of this movie? He is the guy. Obviously the focus is on him. He's written this movie to make himself look like a hero to creationists. This is honestly the most ridiculous gibberish I've ever heard in my entire life.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, it's awful.

[Brian Green]

It's not even. This is like a. This is a fantasy version of the negative way that people portray the liberal bias in college. Which may be true, there might be liberal bias in college, but I've never. Even though I never went to a biology class, I've never heard.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It does not start off like this.

[Brian Green]

It doesn't start off like that. Okay, just checking with you, Chrissy, to make sure.

[Ty Bounds]

Well, the fool has said in his heart that there is no God.

[Dr. Tucker]

Are you calling me a fool, Mr. Bell?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, God.

[Ty Bounds]

Seems to me you just called me one a second ago. But no, I'm just merely quoting the Bible.

[Brian Green]

Would you like to have dinner tonight? We'll talk it over for an extra long scene in the movie.

[Ty Bounds]

Everyone extrapolate from that to the logical conclusion that follows.

[Dr. Tucker]

Shaping young minds is what I do. It's easier than working with minds that have been filled with a lifetime of superstition.

[Brian Green]

Yes, superstitions in your Bible and your googly gock.

[Dr. Tucker]

But I fully embrace the challenge of bringing light into your darkness.

[Ty Bounds]

Ditto.

[Musical Performer]

Oh, God.

[Brian Green]

Did you hear about what happened in

[Chrissy]

Tucker's bio class today?

[Brian Green]

No, what happened?

[Chrissy]

I heard some old guy went toe

[Brian Green]

to toe with her about her opening challenge. Old guy, like 30 something?

[Chrissy]

No, a really old guy.

[Brian Green]

Like old guy, like 30 something. Oh, my God, how creepy. A grandpa type. They went toe to toe talking about God. Let's gossip about it for an hour

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

because it, like, made its way around this campus.

[Brian Green]

That's right. But the newest TikTok about Taylor Swift isn't interesting to us. We want to talk about the old guy going toe to toe, but brothers in that class.

[Mikayla Morris]

He was telling me all about it.

[Chrissy]

I heard there's a senior citizen staying in my dorm. It might be the same guy.

[Brian Green]

I can just picture Tucker drilling into him with her piercing eye.

[Chrissy]

She did, but he took her best shot so far. Maybe it's only the first day oh,

[Brian Green]

it's a, it's a challenge. The whole college is talking about it. The whole college is talking about the new old man going toe to toe with the God hating biology teacher. They're gonna keep score, Chrissy. At the end there's gonna be cheering and I can't wait to see what happens. I can't wait to see how this guy makes himself out to be the hero of the class. All right, well, we can't do it all in one day because Chrissy and I talk too much. So maybe we could do it in one day.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We just watched it, see how it turns out.

[Brian Green]

I am too. So we'll leave it there, we'll mark it 19 and a half minutes in and then we'll get back to it tomorrow. You can catch US tcb@tcb podcast on TikTok, the commercial break on Instagram and of course YouTube.com the commercial break is where you'll find all of our videos and that's where also you get notified when we go live. I have a feeling that I did something wrong with the live today. I'm just sharing that with you. Yeah, but that's okay. We'll figure it out for tomorrow.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We'll get back to it tomorrow.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I changed the program that we were on so we could watch longer movies and I think I might have, I think I might have done something wrong. But anyway, we'll figure it out. No need to stop the show, Chrissy. To do stuff like that, that I literally don't stop the show when like the sound isn't on. I just keep going. Why not? What? Who cares? Yeah, there's a thousand and four episodes of this show. You can go back and listen to one where there is sound. Okay. One of these days I'm just going to put out a, a show with no transition noises and no music just like this movie. And you'll have to see how bad this show really is. All right, so back here, add it tomorrow and then go Espana will wait to see who they will be playing in the final. I'm very excited. I'd like to see an England Spain game. I think it hasn't happened in a long, long. I think that may be 40 years since that has happened. And those two teams certainly deserve to meet each other. That will be a World cup to remember. As long as FIFA doesn't put their foot on the scale and choose Argentina. Listen, not that Argentina is not a good team. They are, they have Messi, one of the best, but maybe the best soccer player that's ever lived. But you know, anytime Messi's on the field, he gets away with everything and no one gets away with anything. And that is a problem. You got to treat everybody the fairly. Everybody. We'll see what happens. It's not Messi's fault because if you can get away with it, you should. That's the way the game is played. He's playing the hardest to win that game. But. But it's not fair to the rest of the teams and it's not fair to the viewer at home who just wants to see the best teams play on an even keel. You know what I'm saying, Chrissy? All right, that's on. No more of my soccer rant. All right, Chrissy? I suppose that's all I can do for today.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I think so.

[Brian Green]

I will say this. I love you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I love you.

[Brian Green]

I'll say best to you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Best to you, Brian.

[Brian Green]

And I'll say best to you, Chrissy, fellow human being. Hello again.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Hello again.

[Brian Green]

Until next time, Chrissy and I will say. We do say and we must say goodbye. Racing Time to be gravy.