Showing You're Ass at The Wedding Mass!

Summary

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The Commercial Break Podcast

Episode: "Showing You're Ass at The Wedding Mass!"

Release Date: June 25, 2026

Hosts: Bryan Green and Krissy Hoadley
Episode Number: 960 (Unofficially 989)

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Episode Overview

In this lively, story-packed episode, Bryan and Krissy return from a whirlwind Venezuelan-Spanish wedding in Madrid—where everything, from shoes to sausage-pants to ostriches, seems primed for comedic disaster. Bryan shares a travelogue-style recounting of his epic misadventures as a groomsman: wardrobe malfunctions, international shopping sprints, and surviving a marathon 14-hour wedding bash with a uniquely inclusive (and hilarious) Venezuelan party spirit. Along the way, they riff on airport etiquette, fast food woes, why European weddings top Atlanta’s, and the family dog’s misadventures with a medical cone.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Fast Food Grievances & Airport Etiquette (03:00–18:00)

• McDonald's Meltdowns
  • Bryan bemoans the rapid decline of McDonald’s quality in the U.S. (while giving Taco Bell a grudging pass for consistency):
    "I don’t know what happened in the last 20 years, but it has been a slow roll down to the bottom of the fast food chain." (04:38–05:07)
• Fast Food Nemeses
  • Crystal burgers haunt Bryan’s father-in-law; Bryan himself avoids Popeyes/KFC out of chicken-based existential dread.
• Airport Commiseration
  • They commiserate over Atlanta’s airport, parking, and the never-working Plane Train.
  • Bryan rails against poor moving walkway etiquette:
    "When you're on a moving walkway, move to the right. Just everybody move to the right. Even if you're walking fast, stay on the right." (12:21)
  • Boarding zone chaos:
    "If you're in zone 5, 6, 7 or 8, sit your ass down...We all do this every time. We pretend like the far back of the plane are going to have space for their bags. They’re not." (13:33–14:00)
  • Epic tale of getting cut in line—only for the cutter to be at the wrong gate:
    (Mocking tone) "Did you get one person ahead? Does that make you happy? Congratulations!" (16:50–18:11)

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2. Family & Dog Drama: The Saga of Blue (19:12–24:34)

• Bryan updates on Blue, the family Yorkie, who’s now navigating life (and furniture) post-surgery with a cone and a Swiss-cheese mouth:
  "Blue's teeth were so bad, so rotted, six of them just fell out of her mouth." (22:41)
• The comedy of daily life with a drugged-up, cone-sporting Yorkie:
  "Watching Blue try and put her head in the water bowl at first...was one of the highlights of the last two weeks of my life. I could not stop laughing." (23:57)

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3. The Wedding Adventure: Madrid Madness (26:20–35:44)

The Build-up: Shoes, Suits & Snafus

• Setting the Stage:
  • A Spanish-Venezuelan wedding: full Catholic mass in a grand Madrid cathedral, followed by an all-night afterparty at a palace-turned-ostrich farm (!) an hour out of town.
• Wedding Logistics:
  • Bryan’s confusion about the “2:30am bus” (There’s only a 3:00am bus—because of course).
• Wardrobe Woes:
  • The groomsmen all opt for affordable matching black loafers from Corte Inglés; Bryan hunts for a €70 pair, avoiding any shoe he won’t ever wear again.

Shoe-ocalypse

• Disaster strikes: The groom’s shoes completely fall apart pre-ceremony. Bryan, same size, offers his own pair—leaving himself shoeless and in a frantic hunt for emergency replacements.
  • "I am the MacGyver of situations like this. I'm really good under pressure. I immediately identify that Gustavo can have my shoes...He needs the shoes. He's the groom." (37:44–37:54)
• Bryan's journey:
  • Wrong-sized pants (too tight or too baggy, no suspenders), sweating in a full tux through Madrid, sprinting from store to store, all while the wedding photos are happening.
  • Memorable Moment:
    "I'm squeezed into these pants. I've got stark white sneakers on with this tuxedo. I look like the American. That's what I look like." (41:45–41:57)

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4. Wedding Mass: The Church, The Kneel, and The “Testicular Prayer” (47:34–48:32)

• At the ornate mass, Bryan sits in “sausage-casing” pants, praying to keep his dignity:
  • "I know what a Catholic mass entails. It entails kneeling. And I'm like, the second I f***ing kneel, these pants are going to go..." (47:34)
  • "I was like, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, keep my testicles in my pants, please. I was doing this whole dance." (47:55)

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5. The Party: All-Night Venezuelan Wedding Culture (54:00–67:00)

• Venue: A beautifully renovated palace/ostrich farm, mountainous region outside Madrid; ostriches wander the grounds by day.
• Marathon Bash:
  • Dinner, endless drinks, and a DJ keep things going until 3:00am (bus leaves at 3:15am).
  • Ostrich Encounters:
    Bryan’s late-night run-in with a livestock guardian dog and lurking ostriches:
    • "I turn the corner and I swear, Chrissy, on all my life I thought there was a mountain lion...But what it really was was a dog. A dog that shepherds the ostriches back..." (61:05–61:32)
    • "If you saw them, it's just because you saw them over the gate...They can be super dangerous to humans." (64:32–64:53)
  • Shoeless Joe Jackson parallels: Bryan’s pant- and shoe-related indignities persist through the ceremony and marathon dance floor session.
  • Inclusive Spirit:
    Venezuelans party across generations; kids and grandparents all welcome and involved until dawn.
    • "One of the things that I really like about the Venezuelan culture in general...they party, but every generation is involved." (55:52)
  • Bryan marvels at the contrast with more stratified or kid-free American receptions.
    • "In an American wedding it's all about partying. Kids are an inconvenience to that party...but in a Venezuelan wedding, it's all about family." (58:29)

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6. Closing Thoughts & Upcoming Stories (67:39–end)

• Afterparty Adventures:
  – Scramble to get a taxi after being dropped off in Madrid at 4:00am—Bryan, thinking fast, “pulls the zone” to get his exhausted children home.
• Reflecting on His Own Wedding:
  – Bryan fondly compares his own Buckhead Ritz-Carlton wedding (now rebranded) to the immersive magic of Spanish celebrations.
• Teasers for Next Time:
  – Hints at more stories from the trip; Krissy heading to Telluride, Bryan plotting birthday plans.
• Podcast sign-offs and send-offs.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Fast Food Downfall:
  “In Europe, McDonald’s is great. In America, it’s terrible...Taco Bell, same shitty food I’ve been eating for 50 years.”—Bryan (04:38–05:07)

• On Cathedral Kneeling Woes:
  “I was like, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, keep my testicles in my pants, please”—Bryan (47:55)

• On Kids at Venezuelan Weddings:
  "All the older ladies were dancing. Including me, I was an older lady out there dancing."—Bryan (56:02)

• On Being Shoeless/Running for New Shoes:
  "I'm the only groomsman without shoes, and I'm the only groomsman that looks like a f***ing chorizo sausage."—Bryan (38:43)

• On the Danger of Ostriches:
  "I think ostriches kill more people every year than sharks and alligators combined. I just made that up. Welcome to Fox News, everybody." —Bryan (49:52)

• On Living the Venezuelan Way:
  "As I was going to sleep, we did it. We're teaching our kids how to be Venezuelan. Yes. How to be Venezuelan. And Astrid’s still trying to teach me how to be Venezuelan."—Bryan (67:39–68:06)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Fast Food Rants & Travel Woes: 03:00–18:00
• Dog Drama—Blue's Medical Comedy: 19:12–24:34
• Wedding Wardrobe Snafus & Shoe Hunt: 26:20–45:42
• Mass & “Testicular Prayer”: 47:34–48:32
• All-Night Wedding, Ostriches & Family: 54:00–67:00
• Post-Wedding Reflections/Wrap Up: 67:39–end

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Tone & Style

Bryan and Krissy’s freewheeling, self-deprecating, and affectionate banter intertwines improv-style storytelling with observations on cultural quirks, travel, and family. The episode brims with candid confessions, playful digs, absurd asides, and Bryan’s signature gift for inflating everyday disasters into comedic epics. The overall energy is bright, irreverent, and utterly relatable, inviting listeners into the “inner circle” of their long-standing friendship.

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Summary crafted for listeners who want the full flavor of TCB’s story-rich, chaotically charming take on weddings, family calamities, and questionable dress codes—hold the ads, keep the laughs.

Transcript

[Brian Green]

We all prefer things a certain way, like groceries. If you want groceries just how you like them, you gotta try Instacart.

[Rachel]

They have a new preference picker that

[Brian Green]

lets you pick how ripe or unripe you want your bananas. Shoppers can see your preferences upfront, helping guide their choices. Because when it comes to groceries, the details matter. Instacart get groceries just how you like.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Brian Green]

On this episode of the commercial. But then I know what a Catholic mass entails. It entails kneeling. And I'm like the second I fucking kneel, these pants are going to go. They're just going to split in the back. So I had to kneel like this. I was like this.

[Chrissy]

To the side.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, to the side. I was like, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, keep my testicles in my pants, please. I was doing this whole dance. I saw at one point Daniel looked over at me and he's like, I think it was real. It's a fucking idiot. This is my idiot son in law. He's as old as I am.

[Commercial Announcer]

The next episode of the commercial break starts now.

[Brian Green]

2:30 in the morning. Oh yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co host of this show, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris. It best you out there in the podcast universe, episode 960. Unofficially, like number 989 or something like that. Officially. I mean like the actual.

[Chrissy]

Right, right.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

We're getting close. We're getting close. Within probably a month and a half, we'll be at a thousand episodes.

[Chrissy]

That's wild.

[Brian Green]

A thousand.

[Chrissy]

We're gonna have to have a party

[Brian Green]

from the flight deck district captain. We're gonna be flying right at about 1,000ft of transition. Sit back, relax and thanks for joining us tonight.

[Chrissy]

Spot on.

[Brian Green]

That is. That's it. It's the McDonald's. It's either McDonald's. Love the misunderstanders. Yeah.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I wanna back. No, I did.

[Rachel]

Ah,

[Chrissy]

is that you had you had real life experience. I did, doing that.

[Brian Green]

But we even back, even back then in the 1960s, we had better communication than they do now in those damn things. I'm sorry, did you say take my order? Yeah, can I get a two Happy Meals? No. Two Happy Meals,

[Chrissy]

huh?

[Brian Green]

What? Yeah, I'll take that and then put on the burnt. It's like four fish fillets. I thought you said French fries or apples. No, French fries.

[Chrissy]

Apples.

[Brian Green]

No, I'm not using the McDonald's app. That's why I'm here at the drive through.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Right.

[Brian Green]

Okay, you. I don't even bother anymore. Don't even bother going to McDonald's anymore. It's just like. It's just too much.

[Chrissy]

Is it.

[Brian Green]

It's too terrible. Unless I'm in Europe, McDonald's is terrible. I don't. I don't enjoy the food anymore because I don't know what happened in the last 20 years, but it has been a slow roll down to the bottom of the fast food chain. And listen, you know, you could say Taco Bell. Well, actually, every once in a blue moon, I'll go have Taco Bell. And it's the same shitty food I've been getting for 50, right?

[Chrissy]

At least you know what you're.

[Brian Green]

At least I know I'm getting at Taco Bell. I know exactly what I'm getting. I'm getting good dog food as my. My watch just alerted me. It's a loud environment. Yes, that's me watch. I like Taco Bell. Every once in a while I do, too. You put enough of that Taco Bell hot sauce on there and you can't taste anything. That's not good.

[Chrissy]

I like a good crispy taco.

[Brian Green]

Me too. A hard shell taco. Hard shell taco with sour cream that I am sure has no cream in it whatsoever. Yes, it's just some kind of gelatinous white stuff and lots of fire sauce. And then away I go. I always feel less full than, like, I feel more hungry than when I walked in. But I always. I always enjoy the, you know, six to 12 tacos that I guess you got to buy a lot of them. You know, I buy a lot of them. I say, hey, give me the. Give me the sack. Yeah, give me the 17 pack in a box. And then I roll, I stomp through them. I make a mess everywhere. You know, hot sauce all over my fingers and crumbs all over the table or the car, whatever it is. And then I, for some reason, I always feel like I could have more. I'm always like, yeah, I could. I'd probably do another five tacos. It's like, it's like the, the Crystal burgers. You could have 30 crystal burgers and still feel like you need another Crystal burger.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, yeah. I've noticed that Crystal too, down the street from you has been closed for like seven years.

[Brian Green]

And it says opening soon. Renovations. Oh really? It was like two years ago. And I don't go to Crystal ever. My father in law thinks Crystal is the devil. Like my Daniel is like, I Crystal. I think he had a bad experience one time and he just refuses. He didn't want to look at it when he's driving by. For some reason. Crystal is like his nemesis. Fast food nemesis. Just like, like Popeyes is my fast food nemesis. Or Kentucky Fried Chicken. Like, I do not want fried chicken from any of those places. I fear what's really in that chicken. Right? But I pulled in there midnight. I was two years ago. I was so fucking hungry. We were Crystal.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, I mean it's right there.

[Brian Green]

Our youngest was still a baby and I was here working late on the show and I was like, I need some food now. And so I go and I drive and all the lights are on. All the lights, even the, even the big sign, it's all on. And I go driving to the drive through and you can hear that the drive thru is on. And I keep saying hello, hello, hello, but no one responds to me. And so then I drive through and all the lights are on. It's like the place was open but no one ever responded. And there wasn't another car in the parking lot. It's like literally, it's like a zombie movie.

[Chrissy]

I was gonna say it's like a haunted Crystal.

[Brian Green]

It's like one of those horror movies where the aliens take everybody and know what? You wake up and no one's on earth anymore. That's what happened. I was. It made me. It freaked me out. Two weeks later, closed for renovations. Opening soon. Renovations. The sign occasionally changes, but no Crystal. It's not open. And so, I don't know, we. I guess we lost our crystal over now. Last night I went to Waffle House.

[Chrissy]

Oh.

[Brian Green]

So I'm leaving the airport on the 6 and a half mile walk from the gate to my car because now they have a new parking.

[Chrissy]

Structures are open.

[Brian Green]

It is much further away from any of the action than anything else. I will say it's more advanced. It tells you where the spaces are available.

[Chrissy]

It doesn't have like WI fi and stuff and all kinds of.

[Brian Green]

It's got a little park in the middle of it. It's got.

[Chrissy]

Oh, it does.

[Brian Green]

It's got escalators to go up and like in the old parking lot, you'd have to truck your up and down stairs. Now it's got escalators you can go on. Big signage everywhere. Like, it's a nice new parking lot for sure. It's like Europe. Europe has all these modern parking decks, even the ones that are thousands of years old. You know, the Romans were parking their fucking horse and buggies. They. They have the ability to tell you where the open spaces are. Little green light that says this space is available.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, I like that.

[Brian Green]

So you don't keep driving endlessly around. Well, the old parking lot, you just drove endlessly around. But I like the old parking lot in the sense that I knew exactly where to park. Even though it's a confusing, confusing situation. I knew exactly where to park to get close to the terminal. Close enough to the terminal where I only had to walk five minutes.

[Chrissy]

Well, that old one that you're talking about, they're going to demolish it and then rebuild it.

[Brian Green]

Okay. All right. So that, you know, 10 years from now when that opens, I'll be looking forward to parking there again. But this new red lot, it's further away. It's got a walkway, but that walkway in and of itself is very long. And then it just dumps you out on the side entrance of the north terminal, south terminal, whatever it is. Terminal.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Green]

And so now you're at the far opposite end of where security is. That's like a quarter mile walk from. For just from the door to security. I mean, the Atlanta airport is not small. There's nothing small about it. It's huge. And then last night, when I get off the plane, we land in B. They're parking us in B. Fine.

[Chrissy]

I thought you were getting a tea.

[Brian Green]

No, we didn't get in a T. We got in a B. So it goes. It goes T. A B. That's how it goes. Why is it T first?

[Commercial Announcer]

I don't.

[Chrissy]

I know.

[Rachel]

I don't know.

[Brian Green]

Why do they call it T? I don't know. What did they call it? A minus or something? I don't know.

[Chrissy]

Why wasn't that A?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, why wasn't that A? Why did they just shuffle them all around? What's the big deal? I mean, I understand you got to change the signage, but you're already doing all the construction in the world over there. Anytime you get to the airport now, after midnight, the train, the Plane train not working ever. Now, I always like to walk anyway. I don't take the plane.

[Chrissy]

I like walking too.

[Brian Green]

But I will share this with you when it's just when the plane train is normally running, you know you've got 10 or 15 other people that are walking with you. Right. It's become pretty popular to walk around that airport. I used to be.

[Chrissy]

Well, because they've got the moving sidewalks. I like that part about it. And you can kind of just zip on as you're walking. You're going extra fast. And you can look at the art.

[Brian Green]

You can look at the art. They've got art displays, they've got history, they've got eye candy. I've seen people. I've now twice seen people vaping while they're walking down those things. And I'm like, okay, guess that's what we're doing now. We're just vaping wherever we want to.

[Chrissy]

Yeah,

[Brian Green]

you can get away with the vaping if you're sneaky about it, right? Be sneaky like the rest of us. Okay, stop it, stop it. Stop, stop, stop. Just like openly, right? So stupid. So. So. But used to be 10 years ago, even when they had the moving walkways, used to be that I would walk, but I'd be the only one walking. Or maybe there'd be another lone straggler somewhere in my 15 hour walk, you know, from T to or from. Eat a baggage claim. Now everybody likes to walk. Anyway, now half the people are walking, half the people are taking the plane train because the plane train so goddamn crowded. Yeah, well, when they shut down the plane train, everybody's walking, right? And then it's a real fucking nightmare because you get two idiots that stand.

[Chrissy]

That stand on the sidewalk. That is should. There should be some sign that says, keep going.

[Brian Green]

Thank you.

[Chrissy]

Move.

[Brian Green]

Thank you. Thank you for. Thank.

[Chrissy]

Some people. Some people get to the side, they do. So you can walk around them, but others don't. And it's rude.

[Brian Green]

I would say that it's going in our treaty. Yeah, it's a 50, 50 shot that if someone is not walking that they're gonna move over to the side. And you don't want to feel like the asshole that says, excuse me.

[Chrissy]

I know.

[Brian Green]

Excuse me. I don't want to say excuse me. You know what I want you to do? I want you to be a fucking human being and move over to the side. Or if you're just gonna stand there, do us all a favor, get off the moving walkway and stand in the middle of the room and See how fast you go. So fucking lazy. Come on, let's get on with it. Yeah, it should be on the treaty. When you're on a moving walkway, move to the right. Just everybody move to the right. Even if you're walking fast, stay on the right.

[Chrissy]

It's adjacent to our sidewalk treaty. You walk on the right and then

[Brian Green]

I feel like everyone is so competitive these days and tribal that when you're walking now it's a race like people are racing you. And I'm like, I'm just trying to get around you. But they speed up. Yesterday I was trying to get on the plane and they called it the zone. And I don't stand there. Right, right. No, I'm in zone 12 and I'm just gonna stand here and block everybody I know.

[Chrissy]

Why do people do that on the last zone? Just.

[Brian Green]

You never been on a goddamn airplane ever. Okay, if you're in zone 5, 6, 7 or 8, sit your ass down. Yeah, just sit and wait and put your bags under the plane because they ain't going in the shelves. We already know it. They're not going in the cabin. It's just. We already know it. We, we all do this every time. We pretend like the people the far back of the plane are going to have space for their bags. They're not. Okay. So let's just all. So this, this, you know, here we go again. Another great intercom situation is the people at the gate, right? Flight 975 to Delta that I'm Brian, I'm going to be helping you out. Get on. Everybody safely on and off the messenger today. 15 minute delay here. I'd like to go ahead and start the pre boarding process. We'll be willing extra time to get down. I also like to tell. I'd also like to ask that if you're in zone six, seven or eight that you kindly come up here and check your bag. We have a full flight tonight. We will run out of room. We've all done this before. We're all humans. And so if you can go ahead and check your bag, we're going to save us some time, try and get out of here and try and make up that lost time. No one stands up. Not one person stands up. Because you're special. You get the exception now I get it. I don't want to put my bag onto the plane either. Just extra time. I got to wait when I get off the plane for them to doodle and ddle my bag all the way back to me. But I can guarantee that bag's getting quick there. Quicker than any of your asses walking, standing still on the goddamn walking moveway, moving walkway. It's not going to happen. The bags are going quicker than you are. They're on a faster conveyor belt on their way there. Just pack the bag, put it under the plane. Let's all be like that, okay? But I'm. I'm standing there waiting. They call zone one. I'm in zone three. They call zone one. I'm still sitting. They call zone two. I kind of keep an eye on it. You know, Zone two is like that weird zone where, like, special people go like. It's not first class. It's not.

[Chrissy]

It's priority comfort.

[Brian Green]

It's priority. Yeah, it's priority. Or million milers or whatever. All right, so it's. People, like, tend to be in the back of the plane. But I'm in zone three. I'm lucky enough to have a comfort seat. I already understand that. I'm going to be okay with the bag. One bag that I have. I'll be able to put it up, and if it doesn't fit, I'll put it. I'll stuff it under the seat, whatever. Okay? So. So I'm stand. So when they call zone two and I'm keeping an eye on it, and I see the lines getting shorter, and I can see the guys going for the microphone, the megaphone, whatever the fuck it is, the intercom, I stand up and I walk a little bit toward. There's, of course, 100 people standing around, all waiting to pounce like lions waiting for red meat. And, you know, now boding. Okay, we're boarding zones one, two. I now invite zone three. You know, everyone's like, you know, tripping over themselves. Yeah, half the people are in zone 30. So they're just standing in front of you just not doing anything.

[Chrissy]

And I hate that too, because you can't tell. I'm like, are you going here or you're just standing waiting to pounds for your zone?

[Brian Green]

Some lady comes running out of nowhere, right? And just cuts right in front of me. Cuts right in front of me. I'm clearly in line. Just cuts right in front of me, right? All, you know, disheveled with four bags and. And I'm like, are you happy? Did you get one person ahead? Does that make you happy? You feel better now? Congratulations, you're one person ahead. So rude. She gets there, you know, guys, scanning all the things. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. It gets to her. I am seething Chrissy, I am seething. It's all I can do to not say what I'm thinking in my head, which is like the one fucking person that you got ahead. Does you no good in life whatsoever. Yeah, congratulations. You're an idiot. You just rude for every. Rude to everybody. Because I guess you deserve to be at the front of the line. I'm not really sure. And beep, beep, beep, beep. Gets to her. Oh, Scans it again, you know, and the guy is like, try it one more time. And then he goes, let me see. And he opens it up and he goes, you're going to Chicago. That's gate 27. This is gate 12. And she's like. And I'm like, fucking. Fucking moron. I laugh just a little bit just to let her know.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I go, hehe. You know, I had to be a little bit biting. Chrissy, I'm sorry, you know, I can't help it. I can't help it. That's just the way that I am. I wanted to.

[Chrissy]

What are you looking for?

[Brian Green]

I don't know. Well, hold on one second. What I was looking for. What happened to my. Who's been in here messing with my porridge? Chrissy. Yeah, I don't. I thought. Oh, here, this is what I. That's what I. That's what I said to her. So, you know, it's been a couple weeks and I'm back from Spain. Everyone's feeling good. We're all over our jet lag mostly. No one got majorly sick, which I think is like a good thing because you know when you go on these trips, you can get majorly sick. And the reason why we went to Spain in the first place is because Gustavo and Ale. Gustavo. Yes, Gustavo. Blue's barking. Blue, shut up.

[Chrissy]

Perfect. We haven't had that in a little minute.

[Brian Green]

I know. We haven't heard Blue. Well, because she just got surgery, so she has a big cone on her head.

[Chrissy]

She does.

[Brian Green]

She looks like an idiot and she keeps knocking into stuff, including me. I can't help but laugh sometimes, but I'm taking care of her, so don't worry, she's getting good care. She is, however, in stage two kidney failure. Oh, so there's four stages. Stage two is like mild to moderate kidney failure. Yeah, but there is. There is a problem. So the doctor said she went down initially to get her teeth cleaned because

[Chrissy]

she did have bad breath.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, well, she's a yorkie. And apparently the doctor told me that is a thing. The doctor, the vet was like this Is a thing with the Yorkie. Smaller the breed, the worse the teeth. So, okay, so listen to this. So I'll tell you this story real quick and then we'll get to the wedding story on the other side. So I take Blue in for this teeth cleaning and we go to this Banfield Pet hospital.

[Chrissy]

Did you go to the same one where, you know, you could look at everybody else?

[Brian Green]

No, no, no, no, no. I'm, I'm, I can't do that. No, no, I'm not doing the emergency vet anymore. I don't want to look at anybody. You know, I just don't want to see it. I just don't want to see it. I don't want to see animals, hurt animals and children. I can't see it. So I take her to the Banfield Pet Hospital. They, they take her back for the teeth cleanse. Like seven in the morning, drop her off. You know, they're like, okay, great, you know, and she has this little, this little like bump on her cheek.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

A couple of years ago, turned into a huge cyst on her face. And the doctor told me it's probably not bothering her. You know, we see these all the time. They happen all over the body. Sometimes they happen on the face. When we put her to sleep for her teeth cleaning, we will take it off. We'll kill two birds with one stone. And it took us about a year to get from that conversation to the teeth cleaning for just like a myriad of different reasons. Okay, take her to the vet, drop her off. A couple hours later, I get a phone call from the vet. And the vet says, listen, I did blood work that I'm supposed to do before I put anesthesia on a dog. And just like a human being, if there's anything that we see that's funky, we don't, we, we, we have to pause and, and assess the risk.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Right.

[Brian Green]

So she says, I'm going to do an addition. I see some kidney values I don't like. I'm going to do a further assessment on the blood, a more in depth kidney value. I'll call you back. Two hours later she calls me back. She says Blue is in stage two of kidney failure and this makes putting her under more risky. However, that thing on her face, I think it needs to come off. So while the teeth cleaning is elective, and if it was just teeth cleaning, I tell you, we will not be doing that. But since she has this thing on her face and it may be affecting her quality of life, I'm going to call it non Elective. And we're going to move forward with the surgery, understanding there are additional risks because I'm giving her heavy medication like propofol that the kidneys have to process. Right?

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And so she said, just understand all the risks. Do you agree with my assessment? I said, yes. She said, okay, we'll go in. We'll do it. All right. So hours later, hours and hours later, she comes out of the surgery. She did great. Everything's fine. We got this thing off her face. Great. Come pick her up. I go to pick her up. The nurse comes out. She's giving me all the instructions, and she says, you know, if you see some red in her water, it's because Blue lost some teeth during the teeth cleaning. Now, this has happened in other teeth cleanings, too. She's been getting teeth cleanings for, like, five, six of her 11 years on Earth. And there have been. There has been a tooth or two on occasion that not fallen out. But he took out because they were in such bad shape.

[Chrissy]

Right?

[Brian Green]

The vet did. But this vet told me that she lost six teeth.

[Chrissy]

Six.

[Brian Green]

And that the teeth didn't have to be pulled out. They literally just pushed them out. They fell out when they were cleaning them. Oh, Blue's teeth were so bad, so rotted, Six of them just fell out of her mouth. And she's like, she may have lost other ones that, like, she swallowed or came out. You just didn't notice. And I was like, holy, I feel so bad. And she's like, all Yorkies. All Yorkies. This happens to all Yorkies. She's like, don't worry. She's got plenty of teeth left.

[Chrissy]

I was gonna say, how many does she have left?

[Brian Green]

She. I don't.

[Commercial Announcer]

I don't know.

[Brian Green]

I think dogs have, like, 56 teeth or something. You know, she's lost, like, 12 of them, so she's still got 40 in there. You know, she's got a bunch of teeth. Um, but. But they have. Now she's got a cone. She's got this. These stitches, this whole thing. It's. It's been quite entertaining around the house to watch Blue just kind of fumble and fuddle around, and the kids, like, navigate how to interact with the dog with the cone on her head. Watching Blue try and put her head in the water bowl at first, after just getting out from anesthesia and having a cone around her head was one of the highlights of the last two weeks of my life. I couldn't help but laugh. I mean, eventually I helped her. She figured it out, but. And they. They do. They figure it out, right? But it was just like. She was like. And then she was, like, scooping the water into the.

[Chrissy]

Oh.

[Brian Green]

Into the.

[Chrissy]

The bowl.

[Brian Green]

The cone into the cone. And then it was, like, falling down her chest. I could not stop laughing. It was so fucking funny. All right, anyway, Blue's doing great. Just an update. Blue's doing great.

[Chrissy]

She's still barking?

[Brian Green]

Yep. Doctor says, hey, listen, we'll check her kidney values in the next couple of months, but if she stays at. At level two, we can probably squeeze another three or four years out of Blue. But I said in return, we're probably gonna squeeze another 12 out of blue because this dog has no quit. You don't understand, Doctor. Just the pain of my existence. All right, let's take a break. When we get back, the Shoeless Joe Jackson story from the wedding. You're gonna like this one.

[Chrissy]

I can't wait to hear.

[Brian Green]

I can't wait to tell it. I haven't told it yet. All right. Shoeless, Shoeless Joe Jackson. All right, we'll be back.

[Rachel]

Let me do something Brian has never done.

[Brian Green]

Be brief.

[Rachel]

Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break. Text or call us 212-433-33, TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Visit our website tcbpodcast.com for all the audio, video and your free sticker. Then watch all the [e-mail] thecommercial break and finally share the show. It's the best gift you could give a few aging podcasters. See, Brian, that really wasn't that difficult, now, was it? You're welcome.

[Commercial Announcer]

Ice Cube's Big Three is back. The most competitive basketball league on Earth is on CBS this Saturday. Big Three All Star Dwight Howard and the LA Riot take on Greg Monroe and the Dallas Power. Then, in another clash of undefeated teams, Earl Clark and coach Steven Jackson lead the DMV trilogy against Montrez Harrell, coach Dr. J and the Chicago Triplets. The game played the way you love. Watch live Saturday on CBS at 4pm Eastern, 1pm Pacific, and catch replays Monday on BET. Presented by iHeart.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Ryan got it wrong, yeah Ryan got it wrong, yeah Ryan got it wrong,

[Brian Green]

yeah where would it ever end?

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Brian Yachty. Wrong yeah Ryan got it wrong yeah Ryan got it wrong, yeah when we ever end Ryan got it wrong, yeah Ryan got it wrong, yeah Brian got it wrong, yeah.

[Brian Green]

It's one of those songs that just ends at a weird place. I have a longer version. I just don't think it all got Put in, dumped into the thing. So sometimes it's just like, off. Yeah. I didn't expect it to end that quickly, but it did. I wish it would go on forever because I love a good guitar solo. All right, so we go to the wedding. You know, we're. It's. It's a. It's. Everybody is gathering in Madrid. This is going to be a typical Spanish Venezuelan wedding. You know, this is not. This is not an unpopular thing. It's a huge party. If you listen to the schedule on this thing, just the schedule of some of these weddings. These Venezuelan weddings are insane. The Venezuelans have no quit in them. That's what they don't. They don't have any quit. So long before the wedding, I get a text message from Astrid and she says, for the wedding, 12:30 or 2:30 bus? At 12:30am 2:30am bus, I was. I think I was in New York. And I'm like, huh? And so she calls me and she says, do you want to take. Excuse me. Do you want to take the 12:30 or the 2:30am bus? And I go, what are you talking about, 12:30am we have children. We're not thinking the 12:38. We'll take a cab. Whenever the kids get.

[Chrissy]

You know, they don't go out there, right?

[Brian Green]

What's that?

[Chrissy]

They didn't go out that far. Right? The cabs.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, the cabs don't. Right. Hold on one second. So, okay. Yeah, I'm sorry. There's like something going on on my text messages that need to be addressed, like, immediately. So I just wanted to check it. I'm sorry, Excuse me. I don't normally do that. You know me, I'm normally 100% unfocused on the commercial break. 100% unfocused on what I'm talking about. So the wedding is going to be in downtown Madrid at a beautiful cathedral. The full mass. We're getting the full Boscolo treatment at. At church, right? Full mass, full ass. We're all going for it. We're going to be there for an hour. You want the body of Christ? You do the whole nine yards. This is a beautiful cathedral. Beautiful, stunning, right in the middle of downtown Madrid. Smack dab. Put a pin in it right there. But Ally, in her beautiful wedding planning skills with whoever she did this with, probably her mother and like a couple of, you know, wedding planners, they found an old palace about an hour outside of Madrid that it now has been turned into an event facility. So imagine this. You drive an hour outside into the beautiful part, the mountainous part of Madrid. You drive up this little mountain, you get to the top and then you drive about quarter of a mile on this dirt road and all of a sudden you're at this palace. Lovely. With beautiful buildings that have been renovated that look lovely. Manicured lawn, a pond and ostriches. Oh, yeah, ostriches. It is a working ostrich farm because they get the eggs, I guess they eat the ostrich eggs. Right. And so there's like. I'll tell that story in a minute about the ostriches, but this place. But just know it's an hour outside of Madrid.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

So wedding ceremony, which we'll get into at some point too. Then after the wedding ceremony, we all walk about a block and a half up. And just like the last Spanish wedding that I went to, walk a block and a half, the whole wedding party. Full tux, 98 degrees in Madrid, you know, 100 humidity, sunny shining, five o' clock in the afternoon. And then we all get on these big tour buses, these huge tall tour buses. We all climb up into them and so there's a hundred people on each bus. I think there was like 200 and some odd. I think there was about 200 people on the bus. So it's like 50, 60, 70 people per bus. Three buses. And we all drive an hour.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

At first I assumed that when Astrid said 12:30 or 2:30, that she was saying, do you want to take the bus? And I was like, well, why don't we just drive or take a cab, right? You know, we can. We can get out there. I didn't understand. It was an hour away. I didn't understand. They had set up the buses for us. They had snacks on the bus and everything.

[Chrissy]

I was going to say probably a party on the way out there.

[Brian Green]

Yes, it was. We parties already started. I mean, plenty of people. You were not supposed to be drinking at the church. But plenty of people were, right. My twin brother was there. I guarantee he was drinking. That's just the kind of guy he is. He likes it, you know, when it's a party, he's partying.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So when Astrid said 12:30 or 3:30, I said, it's more likely we'll take the 12:30 bus. But this is her brother's wedding. And she said, I don't know, I might want to stay for the whole thing. I said, okay, well, whatever, we'll figure it out. It turns out There was no 12:30 bus. There was no 230 bus. There was just a 3:00am bus at

[Chrissy]

3:00am the,

[Brian Green]

the girls went to a hotel. We rented like a hotel conference room so that the girls could get their makeup and hair done.

[Chrissy]

Oh yeah.

[Brian Green]

And so that Gustavo could get ready and pictures could be taken. So me and some of the other groomsmen, we went and we got ready at this, the hotel downtown Madrid, overlooking the central street. Beautiful, right? Big glass, floor to ceiling windows. You could open up the drapes. You were overlooking the city, all the hustle and bustle. It was lovely. It was wonderful. The girls went at like 8:30, 9 in the morning to get, start getting ready. The guys were instructed to be there at noon, noon, 12:30. So we, we were there. I think, I think we ended up getting there about 1 or 1:30. We ended up getting there at 1 or 1:30. Gustavo When I first got to Madrid, Gustavo the very next morning had me go with Danny, Astrid's other brother and his girlfriend. We all went so that I could get fitted for a tux. We had two days before the wedding and I got fitted for a tux in two days at this tiny little Spanish place where there was a hundred guys smashed in there and all these other Spanish well dressed men, like, you know, right up in my crotch, you know, zip, zip, zip. He told me to try on a pair of pants, right? He said, try on these pair of pants. So I try them on. They're whatever they are, 32s. Tight. It's tight, Chrissy. He says, let me get European too. I go, do you have a 33? You have a 32 and a half. I think that might be better, right? I got a cup. I eat a couple of Iberico hams and it's going to pop. And he says, we don't do halves. But I got a 33. Let's try that on. I tried the 33. It's like gonna fall off me. It's. That's not comfortable either. So I said, give me the 32, I'll deal with it, right? I'll starve myself. I won't eat that extra Iberico. I won't drink chocolate milk as a substitute for coffee. Which is basically what the coffee is over there. Cold coffee is chocolate milk. And I said, okay, you know, give me the 32s, okay. But Gustavo takes care of all of this. Like it's all just paid for, right? So I, I'm like, great, we gotta, I gotta pick it up then, you know, two days later, I gotta pick it up in the morning. Fantastic. Gustavo says, I said, let me pay for this. No, no, no, no, brother. The only thing you have to get is your own black shoes. But I already knew this. I already asked her to already prep me for this. We just have to find a pair of black shoes.

[Chrissy]

You didn't have a pair? Not dress.

[Brian Green]

No, not, not the. No, I. I do have a pair of black shoes, but not ones that would look good with this.

[Chrissy]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

Not. Not tuxedo.

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Brian Green]

So all the guys make a decision, including Gustavo, that we're all gonna get just a relatively nice but cheap pair of good looking loafer types. And it doesn't matter what kind they are. Just, you know, have black shoes on. Black, shiny shoes.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So I go to Corta Ingles. I go to all these different shoe stores. You know, I'm trying to find these black shoes, but they're just a little too expensive. The ones like, are just like, you know, €119. €130. And I'm really looking for like that 60 or 70, €80 maybe, so that I'm not spending 200 on shoes that I know I won't wear again for at least another two years. Yeah, right. You don't wear black loafers a whole bunch. When I'm wearing a suit, I usually have brown shoes on. Okay. All right. So I. One day, Gustavo comes over to the apartment where we're staying and he's showing the shoes off that he's got. And they are the same. I saw these shoes at Corte Inglass, but I just assumed they were expensive because of the way that they looked. And he said, nope, got these at Corte Ingles. £70 or not.

[Chrissy]

That was what you wanted.

[Brian Green]

Lovely. Awesome. So the night before the wedding, Astrid. And they're all out somewhere. I don't know, everyone's out somewhere. And I said, and I said, okay, while you guys are gone, I got to make these couple of work phone calls. I go to court, to Ingles. I'll get these shoes. And that's exactly what I do. I buy the same shoes that Gustavo has.

[Chrissy]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

And now Danny has the same shoes that Gustavo has. And I think Daniel the Astro's father has the same shoes. We all have just basically the same shoes. Good. Lovely. Wonderful. Worked out. Fantastic. 12:30, 1:30, whatever time rolls around and we are due to be at this hotel so that we can get pictures taken and all this other shit. Now I will tell you that the heat dome was over Spain and It was over 90 degrees. And the humidity was outrageous. Like, you step outside, you are. Yes.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Thick. It's like walking through water, right? It's not comfortable. I had shorts on going to the hotel. I was feeling very comfortable in those shorts. You get to the hotel, it's nice and air conditioned. All right, we're all getting dressed. Photographers are coming. So we're all getting our stuff kind of on so that, you know, we can take these pictures when he gets here and have these photographs that will last a lifetime. You don't want to miss out on the groomsman's photos. Lasts a lifetime. An opportunity to give your brother in law a hug. Welcome to the family. Well, he's already part of the family, but you get what I'm saying? Welcome to the family. Again.

[Chrissy]

Re. Welcome.

[Brian Green]

Re. Welcome to the. Actually, I'm in your family, so I don't know where you get what I'm saying? So we're all diddling and dawdling around and Gustavo goes to put on his shoes and they rip, rip, rip. The shoes fucking rip.

[Chrissy]

Like, rip.

[Brian Green]

Like they come off the.

[Chrissy]

Oh, no, the sole.

[Brian Green]

The sole comes off the front of it.

[Chrissy]

Oh, no. Because of the heat.

[Brian Green]

So now it's like. I don't know. So it's not like one of these talking shoes, you know what I'm saying, flapping around. So I'm like, oh, fuck. Okay, all right. Yeah, but guess what? I have the exact same shoes on. And guess what? I have the exact same size shoes on. Now, just to take a moment of pride here. Gustavo's six foot three, big boy. He's got the same size shoe that I do. That means our dicks are probably the same size. Just saying. I. I got a wagon wheel down here. Okay, all right, all right. Point of pride. Point of pride. If I may take a point of pride, if that's okay.

[Chrissy]

I was going to say I. You've talked about the size of my dick, small side. And so I think he might be disparaging Gustavo in this conversation.

[Brian Green]

Hey, size seven and a half. Plenty of guys wear size seven and a half. Seven and a half. Okay. All right, so I quickly.

[Chrissy]

Did you have your shoes on already?

[Brian Green]

I did. And I am the MacGyver of situations like this. Yeah, I'm really good under pressure. I immediately identify that Gustavo can have my shoes.

[Chrissy]

He needs the shoes.

[Brian Green]

He needs the shoes. He's the groom. If I go down with my socks on and hide my feet under the, you know, the little vestibule there, everything will be okay.

[Chrissy]

The pray, the praying.

[Brian Green]

I can bring sneakers to dance in later on, you know, we'll figure it out. Like okay. But Astrid goes. Asher goes, well, you gotta have some shoes. I'm like, no, Sherlock, but that's okay. We're in the middle of downtown Madrid. There is a Corte Ingles around the corner. There are a million shoe shops. I'm. I'm. I'll be back. I'll be back before the photographer gets there. Now I am in a full tuxedo and I tight pants. Oh, and by the way, when I went to pick up the pants, the guy says to me in Spanish, I put both sizes in there.

[Chrissy]

Oh, okay, good.

[Brian Green]

I was like, fucking ain't right, dude. Okay? Everybody else wearing suspenders, the whole nine yards. When I open up the package, where my thing is, he was supposed to give me a 32 and a 33. 3. What he ended up giving me was a 30 and a 35 or something like that. I couldn't fit in either of them. So I have pants that don't. Are way too tight, Chrissy. Or way too tight. Yeah. I'm not gonna wear the two big ones because they just look weird. Like, you know, my crotch is down to here. I mean, to get back to my dick size, I really don't need that much room. Do you know what I'm saying? So I'm like, holy fucking tit nuts. Now I'm in squeezed in these sausage pants. Three suit on. Yes. Waddling around. Oh, and the other reason why we didn't wear the big ones is because he forgot to put the suspenders in there. So now I'm the only groomsman without susp. I'm the only groomsman without shoes, and I'm the only groomsman that looks like a fucking chorizo sausage. Okay? If you didn't know my dick size before, you're new at that. So I'm like, oh, man. But now I gotta go tranxing around downtown Madrid in this full suit looking like a total fucking moron. But that is exactly what I do. I go downstairs to the hotel, the elevator. Like, I'm. I'm. I'm so worried about time because I want to get back before the photographer gets. There's a whole reason why we're waking up early and going through all this drama. And so I see the court. I look on the map. Okay, Cor Inglis right there. Okay, I'm just going to go and I'll find it. The Corps de Inglis is like. It's a store, but it's like a mall. They have ever been to Spain, or if you ever been to Spain, you know what a Corte Ingles is they sell everything from food to electronics. They have whole grocery stores. They're all usually very big and you can get anything and everything you need there. And they have different, like inside the store, they have different stores of different fashion brands and all this other stuff. Sometimes their grocery stores are bigger than our Walmarts.

[Chrissy]

Like, wow.

[Brian Green]

Just that part of it. They're huge and they're awesome and they can be affordable and you can get great looking clothes. I got a whole new wardrobe over there for like, I don't know, you know, €300. Anyway, I see the Corte Ingles, it's about a quarter of a mile away behind us. I'm like, okay, here we go. Zippity doo dah. I'm walking through the square. I'm like this, like, right. I'm so squeezed into these pants. Yeah. I'm afraid if I bend over, my ass is going to rip. And so, and when you're wearing tight clothing and it's 92 degrees outside at 3 o' clock in the afternoon, high noon and 98% humidity, I'm like drenched instantaneously, right. I'm squeezed into these pants. I've got stark white sneakers on with this tuxedo. I look like a. I look like the American. Yeah, I look like the American. That's what I look like. And so I'm zippity doo down over to the core to Inglis. It's six stories, Chrissy.

[Chrissy]

Oh God.

[Brian Green]

Six stories, wow.

[Chrissy]

But six floors of stuff.

[Brian Green]

Six floors of stuff. I enter through the second on the ground floor. On the ground level, which is floor number two. It's like all vacuums. And I'm like, okay, I'm reading the signs. I know how to read Spanish. And I don't see anywhere. It says men's section, but I'm like, it's got to be here. It's six stories. I go downstairs, that's the travel section. That's where they have a bunch of travel agents and you can go buy travel. It's all travel. Okay? So I, I, so I go back up the escalator, go to floor one. That's the vacuums, Go to floor two. This is all the home electronics, the speakers and the televisions. And, And I'm like, okay, it's gotta be on floor three. I go up to floor three. It's, you know, they sell, it's the milk section is all milks and cheeses. And I'm like, okay, the cheesery. I go, I go all the way up to the Sixth floor. There's not a fudgeing stitch of clothing in the entire place. It turns out this is a special kind of corte inglis. They don't have clothes. They just have milk and. And speakers for your house travel. Yeah, if you need milk and speakers, go there. I'm like, so now I got to try and find a shoe store in downtown Madrid, which is not. Shouldn't be that hard. It's downtown Madrid. It's. There's a. There's store. Thousands of stores within earshot. I'm running up and down these cobblestone streets. I see shoe store after shoe store, and shoe store after shoe store is mainly for women. Shoe store, shoe store, women, women, athletic, you know, running store, blah, blah, blah. Finally, I see this little rinky dink place, and it's got women's shoes. But then I see a stairway. And in the window, I see a couple of guys shoes at top. Like a couple guys dress shoes in the window. So I'm like, they must have guys. So I go into the bottom. I asked the lady, she says, they're upstairs. I go walking upstairs, sweating my balls off, right? And when I get upstairs, there is no air conditioning upstairs. So now it's 107 degrees. I'm in a sauna now, but there are guys shoes everywhere. I'm like, okay, I find a pair of shoes. They look fantastic. I go downstairs in my broken English. I am my broken Spanish in English. I don't speak either of them. Well, I say, can I get these in a size 12 and a half or whatever, right? And she goes. She's gone for five minutes. She comes back and she says, no, I have size 11 and size 14. And I'm like, nope, not going to play. Already doing that with my pants. I'd like to feel comfortable in my feet. So I run back upstairs, Chrissy, like, fully sweating through my suit now, through the entire thing, and I bring down two more pairs of shoes. And I say, 12 and a half. She's gone for five minutes. And then she says, nope, don't have those in size 12 and a half either. So luckily there's lots of black shoes upstairs. So I go upstairs.

[Chrissy]

You have to keep going up the stairs, too.

[Brian Green]

And it's like 28 stairs, you know what I'm saying? It's like the 30 foot ceiling. So I have to go. And it's just like I go all the way upstairs and I go back downstairs and I say, can I get these in a 12 and a half? And she says, I'll be right back. And when she says, I'll be right back, I'm like, let me bring one more pair downstairs just in case this happens again. Yeah, okay. Because I know she's gonna be gone for five minutes. She's done this last time. I go up the stairs and guess where the lady is. Oh, upstairs.

[Chrissy]

Well, I was gonna say, what am

[Brian Green]

I doing with my life?

[Chrissy]

Well, I was gonna say, wasn't there somebody to help you upstairs?

[Brian Green]

No, there was no one. Not a fucking soul upstairs. It was just me.

[Chrissy]

Why did she. I don't know, like, meet me upstairs?

[Brian Green]

I don't know. I couldn't tell you. I could not tell you. I was so livid. I had just, like. You know, my blood pressure's through the roof. I'm sweating like a pig, and I've been going up and down these stairs, and she's been upstairs the whole time looking for the shoe. I'm like, why don't we both save ourselves a trip?

[Chrissy]

Yeah, let's.

[Brian Green]

She probably had an elevator. Yeah, she probably had an elevator, right? So finally I get a pair of shoes. I run back to the. Yeah, I run. You know, I run back. Pictures are almost over at that point. Like, I missed most of the pictures, but, I mean, we managed to snap a few. And then, you know, of course, we'll have cameras on our hips at all times.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

So we got some photographs that we were able to take. Some. Some photographs and some pictures. And then we all got into a cab to head to the church. And I am telling you what, Chrissy, this is. I was so. I was like, yeah, you couldn't even sit this in the cab. The kids were like, what's wrong, dad? And I'm like, nothing. Don't worry about it. It's not about me. It's not about me today. And then we get to that church, and there's hundreds of people, and we're all stand the groomsmen, and there's 50 groomsmen and 50 bridesmaids, like all Venezuelan weddings. And we're all waiting to get, you know, in the procession to go down the street. There was no rehearsal, by the way, so we're all just kind of being paired up by the wedding planners as we go along. And, you know, I walked down with somebody I know, one of Ali's cousins that I just love. I adore her. And so we went down together. And then I get to sit in the second row, and I am in these slick tuxedo pants, right? That are barely on me. That are barely Hanging on for life. I really want to unbuckle them, but I don't because I'm in a church and, you know, I might have to stand up and I don't know, there was no rehearsal. Are they going to call me to do something? I don't know, right? But now we're in these slick church pews. So I'm like, every time I slide, I like slide a couple feet. They're like freshly oiled church pews, you know what I'm saying? And I look over and my son is like sliding back and for fun.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

In these slick pants he's in. And so the whole time. But then I know what a Catholic mass entails. It entails kneeling. And I'm like, the second I fucking kneel, these pants are going to go. They're just going to split in the back. So I had to kneel like this. I was like this.

[Chrissy]

To the side.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, to the side. I was like, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, keep my testicles in my pants, please. I was doing this whole dance. I saw at one point Daniel looked over at me and he's like, I need to go. He's a fucking idiot. He's in church. This is my idiot son in law. He's as old as I am. Shoeless the whole time. Shoeless the whole time. And by the way, by the end of the. By the end of the wedding, my shoes were splitting too, so.

[Chrissy]

They were? Yeah, Even the new ones, I think

[Brian Green]

it was just so hot outside and I don't think they were meant to like take a 14 hour party. When I say we danced the entire time. We almost didn't take a break, Chrissy.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I had so many orginas the next day I was peeing orangeina and we just danced higher time. The DJ was great. Oh my God, was it beautiful that I've never been at a wedding. So beautiful. I mean, listen, the last wedding I went to in Sevilla was super pretty. Super.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And it was amazing with the dancing horse and the whole nine yards. There was no dancing horse, right? No dancing horse. But just equally as beautiful of a setting, equally as beautiful of a location. And so well done. The food was excellent. The ostriches, you know, they smell. It's a little smelly.

[Chrissy]

Do they?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, yeah. An ostrich.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Green]

The world's biggest and fastest bird.

[Chrissy]

I don't think I've really been close to one.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, well, I think they're dangerous. Like, I don't think you actually want to Be near an ostrich. I think ostriches kill more people every year than sharks and alligators can pile. I just made that up.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Welcome to Fox News, everybody. Back on. All right, let's take a break. We'll talk more about the wedding when we get back.

[Rachel]

Okay. You're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at tcb. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid, too? You know you do. Leave a message for her or me or Chrissy at 212-4333, TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show, too. Just call and say something, anything. Or text us and we'll text you right back. Promise. Then head over to tcbpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker. And we must abide. You get the point. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and watch all the episodes on [e-mail] the commercial break. Best to you and Astrid, especially Astrid.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Thou art in the door to grab a latte I paid $10 heard Ariana Grande but then I saw him and his big doll I felt my knees weak here came the brain fog and though I'm not gay you make me feel that way I hope it never ends. My new Starbucks boyfriend. All my toes curl all the feels come my world of gold you are my shining sun. We love to talk sports and swimming pools you like the patio I like the bar stools and we spill tea and we crochet the other tables might think we're gay I don't really care I hope it never ends you're my best Starbucks boyfriend. And though we're still straight you make me feel a certain way I hope it never ends. My new Starbucks boyfriend And though I'm not gay you make me feel that way I hope it never ends My new Starbucks boyfriend. And though I'm not gay you make me feel away I hope it never ends. My new Starbucks boyfriend Starbucks boyfriend.

[Brian Green]

I'll tell you what the when you get in to Madrid is like a 24 hour city. It's just like New York, right? There's you can draw a lot of comparisons besides the very tall buildings. I mean Madrid has some tall buildings, but they were built, you know, thousands of years ago or whatever they have. You know, I've always said this. They have doorknobs that are Older than the entire United States. So over there in Europe in general, it's just a. More.

[Chrissy]

Yeah. Been around longer.

[Brian Green]

It's been around longer. But when we started, we got on that bus at 3 and the bus took off at 3:15 for the hour ride home. My kids were wasted. All of them sleeping. Every single one just wiped. Two of them fell asleep about an hour. About 2am Right.

[Commercial Announcer]

Right.

[Brian Green]

At 2am all the kids at the party were doing great until after midnight.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And then one by one, the younger they were, the sooner they fell out. And there was like a long bench where they had put some tables against. On the inside. You got to imagine like inside outdoor facility. So they had a huge patio where everyone put tables and they would eat. Yeah, right. That's where the. That it was a buffet. So you would get your food and you had your table and your seating assignment. But no one was really sitting and eating. Everyone was inside dancing. They had a huge bar with like five bartenders. And that bar was just going the whole time. You get whatever you want. Right. And then they had a big dessert table in the middle and then a huge dance floor. And behind the dessert table they had this long bench, like long, you know, couch essentially up against the wall. And they had put some tables up there. But the later the night got, the tables started to get moved around as the children started to get put on the bench and go to sleep. And the parents, you know, some, some. Some parents, I think were pretty close to going to sleep also. But I just watched as the night went on as more and more children started bench up. And I was really proud of my kids because they were just. They're showing their Venezuelan side. They were up past midnight. You know, even the youngest one. The youngest one was up till around 2:30. And my oldest one fell asleep about 2, but the other one fell asleep about 2:30. And my middle child, who was the dancer of the group, she was like the superstar of the season. Everyone dancing with her. I think she didn't go to sleep because she was getting so much attention. She loved it. She was out there dancing the entire time. And it's her uncle Gustavo and her uncle Danny. And you know, she's on everybody's shoulders and she's doing flips and she's just. She just had a ball. And that is one of the things that I really like about the Venezuelan culture in general. And I'll share this with you. They party, they party, but every generation is involved.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Astrid's grandfather was there. Even he made it Till like probably midnight, one o' clock in the morning. The guy is probably approaching 95 years old.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And he was out there doing a little dancing. All the older ladies were dancing. You know, older ladies, including me, were dancing. I was an older lady out there dancing. So everyone was just having a good old time. Everyone was having a great party. And the youngest are included. They're like, this is their rite of passage. This is their birth into the Venezuelan culture. We don't hide the children, we invite the children. We be a part of it. You're a part of it. This is what you do. We're showing you how to do it when you're here. Right? And that's not ignored in the American culture. At a lot of American weddings, ones I've been to no fault of their own. It's a tradition passed down from American to American that the children are to go to the room at a certain point or they need to be somewhere that's not there. Now, for the first three hours, four hours of the wedding, there were babysitters that were hired. And those babysitters were like, you know, 20 something teenage girls, whatever. And they were outside, they had a bunch of games and activities for the kids, so they were keeping them occupied. But as the night went on, the kids started to get more integrated into the party and the dancing and having fun.

[Chrissy]

I love that.

[Brian Green]

You know, I got my kid a couple tequila shots. He's like seven. You know, that's what you do, right? Take a couple tequila shots. Probably why he fell asleep early. I did not give my kid tequila. Let me make that clear for some people who like to take the show a little too seriously. But there's this like, cultural inclusion that happens.

[Chrissy]

I love that.

[Brian Green]

And, and, and a cultural inclusion even if you're not part of the culture. I was out there dancing. I don't know the fuck how to dance. I have no idea. But I was dancing with the guys, I was dancing with the girls, I was dancing with my wife, I was dancing with my kids. I was dancing with, you know, 15 year olds and, you know, 95 year olds. I didn't care. It was just. Everyone was just having a great time. And I love that. But sometimes the American weddings I go to, the kids are like, you know, yeah, they can come to the ceremony, but, you know, or you have kids, we're gonna put you at this table, you know, put you far away from all the action. And I understand why it's done. But when you go to the two different weddings, you can see how they're treated. How the. How families sometimes are treated a little bit differently. It's all about family in a Venezuelan wedding. In an American wedding, it's all about partying. Right? And. And. And kids are an inconvenience to that party.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And so, you know, even Astrid and I, we had a ton of kids at our wedding and we just. We loved it. We loved it. I begged for her to tell the kids to go somewhere else, but Astrid said, no, the kids are coming. But I thought, well, should the kids really come to the reception? But they did. And I'm glad they did because they had a fucking fantastic time. Now I've been to three. Two Spanish weddings, and I'll tell you what, I. I loved our. My weddings. Yeah. I prefer this. I wish we would have gotten married in Spain. I don't even think we ever talked about it, but I wish we had gotten married.

[Chrissy]

Your wedding was so much fun.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God, it was a total blast.

[Chrissy]

We had a great time.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. But the. Even the Ritz Carlton where. Where it was. And not because we're rich, but because we got a good deal on the Ritz Carlton. Even the Rit. You know that Ritz Carlton is not a Ritz anymore.

[Chrissy]

I knew. I know that.

[Brian Green]

That's crazy. I think it's one of the. One of the few Ritz Carltons that has closed.

[Chrissy]

Well, I mean, it's the same Marriott owner of it, but it's just.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. They changed it into another brand.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I guess they figured they didn't need two Ritz Carltons. There's one in downtown. But I like that Buckhead one so much better.

[Chrissy]

I know.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So much better than that one downtown. I don't know why they should have done it the other way. I should have made the other one a Marriott in that one. But anyway, you know. But you can't beat the location of us. Like in the Spanish wedding, when you're in Madrid or somewhere like that. There's just no comparison. Downtown Atlanta. Buckhead Atlanta. Downtown Madrid. You take Madrid every fucking day of the week. Unless you're in a heat dome and have no shoes and you're trying to run around in your sausage pants. Yeah, I unbuckled my pants as soon as we got to the dance.

[Chrissy]

I can imagine.

[Brian Green]

I hope they don't fall, but I'm not going to have anything to do with it.

[Chrissy]

That's so weird that he gave you the wrong sizes.

[Brian Green]

Both, both. Both wrong sizes. And no suspenders.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Isn't that weird? Yeah, I don't know. I didn't even say anything when I dropped it off. I was just like, ah, whatever. But it, you know, this was a working ostrich farm, right? And so at some point in the night after midnight, people were trying to leave. Some people had driven their own cars there. And so some people were like hitching a ride. Like my twin brother got a ride with my uncle in law back to somewhere in Madrid. And then from Madrid they took a cab. But at some point when some people were leaving, I was helping Astrid's grandfather to the car that they were going in.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And so I had to walk from this venue part of it all the way up to the front where the parking was. So imagine like a tenth of a mile, quarter of a mile from that building to the parking lot. So I had to walk. And you got to walk past a couple buildings and it's like this gravel, you know, driveway or whatever. And I'm walking back. And as I'm walking back, I'm making a video for my Instagram. And as I'm making the video for my Instagram, I turn the corner and there's a couple of like street lights. Lights where you can see stuff in this huge farm that we're at. And I turn the corner and I swear, Chrissy, on all my life I thought there was a mountain lion laying on the gravel. It scared the holy out of me. But what it really was was a dog. A dog that shepherds the ostriches back into the farm at night so they don't get eaten by the mountain lions. Right. They have to get put inside because you're in the mountains of Madrid. It's like mountain lions, it's like California, right? They have some kind of big cat. So I figured out it was a dog. I'm like, okay, this scared the shit out of me. But I'm making this video and I make a little noise. I'm like, you know, and I'm on a working ostrich farm like that. And all of the sudden you hear. And I'm like, what the fuck is like right behind me? And I look, there's like these two ostrich heads just like,

[Guest or Additional Voice]

wow,

[Brian Green]

I'm running in my sausage pants. I'm like, I want to. They're the fastest creatures on earth. Ostriches are like, Are the third fastest creatures on earth?

[Chrissy]

Yeah, I don't think on earth.

[Brian Green]

I'm not going to outrun an ostrich. Aren't ostriches one of the Fastest creatures on earth.

[Chrissy]

I don't know.

[Brian Green]

Can't they run, like, at 110 miles per hour or something?

[Chrissy]

Was the roadrunner an ostrich?

[Brian Green]

No, he was a peacock. No, not a peacock. He's a roadrunner. There's actually a bird called the roadrunner. Let me. Let me do.

[Commercial Announcer]

Hold on.

[Brian Green]

Let me ask Chat real quick. Let's see if we can get her to talk. Hold on. Okay. Hey, Chat.

[Chrissy]

I mean, I think they're fast, but.

[Brian Green]

What's that? Yeah, I think they're fast, but you're right, maybe not that fast. Hey, Chat, are ostriches fast? Very fast. An ostrich is the fastest bird on land and one of the fastest animals in the world.

[Chrissy]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

Reaching speeds of 40-45 mph and can maintain high speeds much longer than almost any other animal. It can take strides of up to 16ft in length. Yeah. It's powerful legs have enough kick to force serious injury to predators. Average human sprint is 15 miles per hour.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Elite human sprint sprinters do 20 to 27 to 28 ostrich, 45 miles per hour. That's F. Double the speed. Yeah. And I am not an elite runner.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So I'm running and then there's a guy that's, like, standing and like, I turn a corner and there's a guy that's standing right there. He's like, hey, hey. Okay, okay. You know, in Spanish. And I say, yeah, I'm sorry. I. I thought I saw one of the ostriches, and it made me a little nervous. And he's like, oh, no, they're in the barn. Like, the ostrich barn. He's like, if you saw them, it's just because you saw them over the gate or whatever. And so then that's when I. No one had answered why before dinner, when the light was. When the sun was still up, going down, why there were a bunch of ostriches outside the patio. They were just all over the place, right? There was like six or seven of

[Chrissy]

them just out there just meandering around.

[Brian Green]

And then he told me it's a working ostrich farm. Like, well, you know, we farm the eggs. We do the thing. And I said, aren't ostriches dangerous? And he's like, oh, yeah, that's why we have the Pyrenees. The. The dog is like, we, We. That dog is. Is the one who goes in and. And kind of wrangles them up. He's like, because you don't want to have an angry ostrich. They can be super dangerous to humans.

[Chrissy]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, yeah, let's put them out where we're eating. Just right there where we're eating. Just angry ostriches. To be fair, they disappeared before we had dinner. So I think the dogs had like already them up or whatever. And I said, oh, well, you know, have you ever had any. Laughing I said, you ever had any accidents? Like it's ever been an accident on the farm? And he's like, yes, I've been knocked over by them a couple times. And he's like, I broke my arm one time. And I was like, holy shit. Like, they come running at you, you're not getting away from an ostrich. They're. They run twice as fast as, you know, fucking whatever that guy's name is. Who's the guy? Hussein Bolt.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, right.

[Brian Green]

Usain Bolt. Yeah. Telling you what. So anyway, it was this great party we get, we got. But when we got back to, to town, you know, this whole car ride, the kids were sleeping, a lot of the more mature human beings were in front of the bus and then the younger kids were in the back completely smashed, making all kind of noises, singing all kind of songs. It was funny, it was fun to me, but you know, you could not fun for everybody, I'm sure, but fun for me. And everyone was having a good time. But by the, the time we started reaching like close to downtown Madrid, I'm like, even this is a 24 hour city. How in the are we going to get from where we're getting dropped off to our Airbnb that's like seven miles away. We're not going to walk that, right? That's crazy. Be like a three hour walk. What are we going to do? But then I start to realize, ah, there's taxi cabs that are all over the place. We can probably get taxicabs. So I started to strategize a little bit, my head being like a selfish dick because I'm thinking, well, yeah, there's going to be cabs that we can find. We're going to be dropped off in the center of Madrid. So there's definitely going to be some cabs out there. But there are about to be 200 people that are dropped off at the same exact place and they're all going to need taxis of some sort because the buses, the trains aren't running, so they're going to need to get taxis of some sort. So as soon as that bus started to slow down, I just grabbed my children by the scruff of the neck. And I was like, let's go, kids. Yeah, I'm getting in front of everybody here. And luckily, you know, it's a wedding party. Most of us are family. Most of us knew each other. So luckily there was like, two older, like Maybe in their 30s, a couple. And at the first taxi pulled up, almost as soon as our bus stopped, a taxi pulled up. You know, Newt saw what was going on, knew there was potential business there. Pulled up. We were waving our hands, pulled up, and there was, like, a couple in front of me. And I was like, oh, oh, I have kids. And they were like. And the guy, like, begrudgingly, I think, to impress his date was like, okay, okay.

[Chrissy]

You pulled the zone.

[Brian Green]

I didn't care. It was 4 in the morning, and I still had to go home, get my kids showered, and put them to bed. This was the latest those children have ever been up. It was 5:30 in the morning by the time we went to sleep. But I just thought to myself, as I was going to sleep, we did it. We're teaching our kids how to be Venezuelan. We are teaching our children. Yes.

[Chrissy]

Good job. Good work.

[Brian Green]

How to be Venezuelan. And Astrid's still trying to teach me how to be Venezuelan.

[Chrissy]

You're. You're in training.

[Brian Green]

I am in training. If you look at my Instagram, you'd think I was there, but, oh, what a great way. I've got, like, four more really good stories, but I didn't want to get into them here because they're long and, you know, one story per day. That's how I'm gonna dole it out to you. You'll have to come back. Jenny says, too bad the wedding wasn't at the Great Wolf. Good thing the wedding wasn't at the Great Wolf Lodge. Yeah, I don't think a Venezuelan wedding would do all that great at the Great Wolf Lodge. Everyone would leave except for the people in the wedding. Although, you know, that would be a fun place to have, like, an event.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Like if, you know, if you were, like, an American and, like, that was a. That'd be a wild place to have. Mr. Man would make sure they clean that wall water well.

[Chrissy]

Right?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's it. They probably put as much chlorine in their pool as I put in my pool. I've got to imagine. Got to imagine. All right. You know, we'll be back next week, I think. Next week, Astrid.

[Chrissy]

And I'm filling in for Me.

[Brian Green]

Filling in for Chrissy, as Chrissy does.

[Chrissy]

What, Colorado again?

[Brian Green]

Colorado?

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

You going back to see?

[Chrissy]

Well, we. Yeah. We're gonna see daughter Olives. Yes. Good to see her. And then we're gonna go take a little trip to Telluride.

[Brian Green]

Cool.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Is there like a music festival out? You going to go to tell your ride music festival?

[Chrissy]

No, no, I just have never been and it looks beautiful.

[Brian Green]

Okay, well, good. Gracie's taking another vacation with six vacations into it. Hey, most, to be fair, most of my travels for work, but sometimes it's for vacation.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Then when you get back, we'll be back for two weeks and then we're going to be gone.

[Chrissy]

Then you got to leave.

[Brian Green]

Oh, you're going to.

[Chrissy]

Okay, we'll talk about.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, yeah. We're, I think in July at some point. And then, you know, my birthday's in September. I'm thinking about doing something for my birthday.

[Chrissy]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

It's a big one. The big three zero. Yep, the big three zero. How come I get to celebrate? All right, make sure you [e-mail] the commercial break for all of the episodes on video. You can please subscribe to us on all of the audio distribution channels. You know them, Apple, Spotify, Castbox, Vitamin, Podbean, whatever the it is. Subscribe, write a review. We certainly would appreciate it. Watch us on YouTube. Watch us live usually every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, unless one of us are on vacation, which seems to be very often. And you can do [e-mail] the commercial break or Twitch. Oh, at the commercial break on Instagram. And you can get all of us there via dm.

[Chrissy]

All right.

[Brian Green]

Oh, okay. All right, Chrissy. That's all I can do for today.

[Chrissy]

I think so.

[Brian Green]

I love you.

[Chrissy]

I love you.

[Brian Green]

Best to you.

[Rachel]

Best.

[Brian Green]

Best you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say. We do say. And we must say goodbye, Sam.