Swing Set Suit!

Summary

The Commercial Break – “Swing Set Suit!”

Episode Date: September 5, 2025
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley
Podcast Description: Improv-comedy, interview, and variety podcast blending chaos, irreverence, and pop culture, hosted by longtime best friends Bryan and Krissy.

Overview:

This episode of The Commercial Break is a hilariously meandering, water-themed adventure in classic TCB style. Bryan and Krissy dive into tales of maritime mishaps, deep-sea diving dangers, terrifying creatures of the ocean and everyday lakes, family party disasters, and a scathing (yet comically self-aware) update on Olympian Ryan Lochte’s latest tabloid exploits. The hosts bring their signature blend of sarcastic banter, relatable anecdotes, and a dash of public-service-style caution about drugs marketed as “legal highs.” As always, the episode serves up chaos, wisdom, laughs, and plenty of side-tangents.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Maritime Mishaps and Yacht Catastrophes

• [05:59-07:38] Krissy shares a viral video of a million-dollar yacht launching—only to capsize immediately, leaving its owner and captain to swim ashore.
• Bryan discusses yacht insurance and reveals his uncle as a leading maritime law expert, explaining the complexities of how insurance deals with piracy, hijacking, and maritime disasters.
  • “International maritime law...is only as good as the people who agree to adhere to it. I’m sure there’s a lot of loosey goosey bullshit that goes on in international maritime law.” – Bryan [09:03]
• Tangents about modern piracy: Not just a “Pirates of the Caribbean” thing; real pirates still exist, from Africa’s Horn to dinghy thieves in Florida.

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2. Life on Floating Workplaces: Offshore Oil Rigs and Decompression Divers

• [10:16-18:35] Krissy and Bryan swap stories about people working weeks or months on oil rigs, making big money for grueling, dangerous jobs.
• Bryan explains the extreme dangers faced by deep-sea decompression divers who weld and repair underwater cables and pipes for months inside pressurized chambers, referencing a real-life documentary and Netflix film, “Last Breath.”
  • Notable story: A diver’s umbilical cord snaps, leaving him with only 29 minutes of oxygen—yet he survives over 40 minutes underwater until being rescued.
  • “Miraculously, after like 15, 20 minutes, he pops his eyes open—no brain damage, no nada. The guy, like, comes back.” – Bryan [17:58]

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3. Terror & Wonder of the Deep Sea

• [18:35-27:20]
• Krissy talks about marble slabs quarried below the ocean, and the duo marvel at the sheer strangeness and danger of the ocean’s depths.
• James Cameron’s Mariana Trench adventures and Jacques Cousteau hero-worship—interspersed with jokes about scientific fear and marine biology.
• The conversation underscores the idea that there are millions of undiscovered species underwater.
  • “There are literally millions of species...living under our feet, under the water that we have never discovered, we have yet to discover or name or study...and that, to me, is insanity.” – Bryan [21:27]
• Bryan’s verdict: He’d rather face sharks than microscopic lake monsters, referencing stories of bacteria and flesh-eating diseases in lakes versus the open ocean.
  • “While the ocean has big scary creatures, the lake has tiny microscopic creatures that can eat your ears. Flesh-eating bacteria...all of a sudden your penis looks like a purple balloon.” – Bryan [25:51]

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4. Family Disasters: Yacht Stains and Broken Sculptures

• [31:19-36:38]
• Bryan recalls his children’s accidental grape juice spill on a pristine yacht and a subsequent visit to Miami where a prized Venezuelan sculpture is broken.
• With both embarrassing and endearing family moments, the anecdote highlights his relatives’ generous spirit and the fraught, funny politics of taking responsibility for accidents in fancy homes.

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5. Good-Natured Show-Offs: Luxury Cars & Sharing the Wealth

• [36:44-39:13]
• More tales of generous (and slightly reckless) friends and relatives who trust Bryan and Krissy (or their dads) with luxury cars, including a Miami Mercedes and an Aston Martin James Bond moment.
  • “When someone else hands you a vehicle like that, you are sure to be very careful—or you’re just a fucking idiot with it.” – Bryan [39:05]

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6. Ryan Lochte: An Olympian’s Not-So-Golden Years

• [39:13-48:36]
• The notorious swimmer’s legacy is humorously dissected: Olympic medals, a failed reality show, and very public missteps (literally and figuratively).
• Focus lands on his recent divorce and allegations (which Lochte awkwardly confirms) that he has a serious nitrous oxide (laughing gas) addiction, leading to risky behavior—even in his own home around his kids.
  • “He was the bad boy in general of all Olympians for the United States...but he could barely form sentences, and he never seemed to stay out of trouble.” – Bryan [41:16]
  • On Lochte’s half-baked defense video: “I couldn’t think of a more dumb thing he could have said in that moment...You were doing it in the house where your children lived, but you weren’t doing it around the children. Dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” – Bryan [46:29]

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7. The Cautionary PSA: “Legal” Drugs, 7-OH, and Kratom

• [49:00-57:57]
• Bryan provides a crash course on opiate addiction, the rise of the herbal supplement kratom, and the new, extremely potent synthetic derived from it: 7-OH (7-hydroxymitragynine).
• The problem? It’s dangerously addictive, stronger than heroin or fentanyl, yet sold in gas stations and delis as sodas, shots, and powders with little regulation.
  • “It is by a magnitude more powerful than any other opiate known to man...and it is ruining people’s lives.” – Bryan [55:00]

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8. Teen Drug Dangers: Personal Anecdotes & Old-School “Legal Highs”

• [60:41-66:07]
• Throwback story: Bryan and a friend OD on NoDoz caffeine pills during their teenage McDonald’s days, thinking you couldn’t get hurt by something bought in a gas station.
  • “It’s legal, you can buy it, it’ll be fun, we’ll all have a good time. Don’t worry about it—holy shit, my eyes are gonna bleed.” – Bryan [64:21]
• Message to younger listeners: Just because it’s legal and sold over the counter does NOT mean it’s safe.

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9. Never Going Parasailing (Again)

• [66:43-67:55]
• The hosts agree that the only thing scarier than the ocean is getting strapped to a parasail by “Bob with a boat and a fishing line,” referencing viral videos of regular people barely surviving these “adventures.”
• “Who’s doing that? Bob with the boat. Bob with a string and a parachute…meanwhile, he’s probably on 7-OH.” – Bryan [67:26]

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10. Quick Pop Culture Dip: Summer Shows and 90 Day Fiance

• [68:59-69:55]
• Bryan admits to watching “The Summer I Turned Pretty” and laments that “90 Day Fiance” is now full of people “who look crazy from the beginning.” Classic TCB, jumping from deep warnings to reality TV in seconds.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “International maritime law...is only as good as the people who agree to adhere to it. I’m sure there’s a lot of loosey goosey bullshit that goes on.”
  – Bryan [09:03]
• “There are literally millions of species...under the water that we have never discovered...and that, to me, is insanity.”
  – Bryan [21:27]
• “While the ocean has big scary creatures, the lake has tiny microscopic creatures that can eat your ears. Flesh-eating bacteria...”
  – Bryan [25:51]
• On Ryan Lochte:
  “He was the bad boy in general of all Olympians for the United States...but he could barely form sentences, and he never seemed to stay out of trouble.”
  – Bryan [41:16]
• Lochte’s defense video:
  “Dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard... The children live in the house, therefore you are around the children.”
  – Bryan [46:29]
• PSA style:
  “Just because it’s legal and sold over the counter does NOT mean it’s safe.”
  – Bryan [65:30]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Yacht Gone Wrong & Maritime Law: [05:59–09:12]
• Piracy, Oil Rigs, and Decompression Divers: [09:12–18:35]
• Deep Sea Dangers & Species Talk: [18:35–22:19]
• Lake vs. Ocean Dread: [25:17–27:19]
• Family Mishaps with Art & Yachts: [31:19–36:38]
• Luxury Cars & Generosity: [36:44–39:13]
• Ryan Lochte’s Nitrous Scandal: [39:13–48:36]
• 7-OH and Kratom PSA: [49:00–57:57]
• Drugstore Dangers/NoDoz Teen Story: [60:41–66:07]
• Parasailing Fears: [66:43–67:55]

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Tone & Style

Casually conversational, irreverent, often explicit, full of well-timed sarcasm and teasing. The rapport between Bryan and Krissy is seasoned by decades of friendship and mutual ribbing.

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Summary / For New Listeners

This episode of The Commercial Break will make you laugh, wince, and maybe re-think your lake-swimming or “herbal” gas station drink adventures. It’s a spirited journey through family faux pas, maritime disasters, Olympic downfalls, and the wild jungle of “almost-legal” highs—all delivered with a big “just FINE” comedic shrug. If you want an hour of laughter, nervous nodding, and the occasional nugget of life advice wrapped in jokes, this one’s for you.

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Listen for: Deep-sea horror stories, Bryan’s unifying field theory of bad party accidents, how not to parent like an Olympian, and why you shouldn’t trust Bob’s Parasailing (or any product with a number in the title from a gas station).

Transcript

[Brian Green]

This episode is sponsored by our good friends at five Hour Energy. All right, Labor Day is right around the corner and that means I've taken one more spin around the sun. What if my energy boost could taste like my birthday cake? A big old birthday party in my mouth without the awkward singing from Steve in accounting? That's what you will get with the new five Hour Energy Confetti Craze flavor. It's a vanilla y buttery, full on birthday cake vibe without all the sugar.

[Chris Hoadley]

And the need to crash.

[Brian Green]

It's got as much caffeine as a fancy 12 ounce cup of coffee, but as mentioned, zero sugar. And here's the best part. The thing is, you can toss it in your bag, your glove box, your sock drawer, or keep it in your fridge. So next time you go to grab an emergency snack, you've got confetti in your mouth. And the confetti craze is only here for a limited time. Translation. Get it now before it's gone and you're back to pretending that the office room donuts are festive. Five Hour Energy Confetti Craze flavor is available online. So head to FiveHouseEnergy.com or order yours today on Amazon and start living that big birthday life.

[Chris Hoadley]

And Happy birthday to me.

[Brian Green]

This episode is sponsored in part by Perfectly Snug. Okay, tell me if this resonates with you. It's the end of the day. You're feeling extra tired, that bed looks so comfortable. You bounce in, get ready for some snoozing and then all night long, your body, your home thermostat, or a combination of both make it difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep. This is an extraordinarily common problem. We all know it's true. Your body changes temperature over the course of the night and that leads to.

[Chris Hoadley]

Bed, bad sleep and bad sleep leads to bad health.

[Brian Green]

I have struggled with this for years. But no more waking up hot and sweaty because Perfectly Snug is a mattress topper that fits on your existing mattress and uses an active airflow system to reduce heat and humidity out from under and around you for full body cooling. Imagine it like air conditioning, but for your bed and with dual zone controls, each person in your bed can customize their own temperature and if you're sleeping on a single mattress, they've got you covered. Also, it's air based cooling, which means zero water, 00 leaks, zero condensation mold, and no extra room heat or dried out sinuses.

[Chris Hoadley]

That's right.

[Brian Green]

Did I mention it's got heat mode? Also There's a built in foot warmer and a preheat option so the bed is warm on those cold nights. This is brilliant. This comes with a 30 day risk free trial, no shipping cost either way if you decide to return it. And it's got a one year bumper to bumper warranty for peace of mind, go to perfectly snug.com that's perfectlysnug.com and try it out.

[Chris Hoadley]

You can send it back in 30.

[Brian Green]

Days if you don't like it. But I think in 30 days you're.

[Chris Hoadley]

Gonna fall in love with it just like I did.

[Brian Green]

Perfectlysnug.com, and thank you to Perfectly Snug for being a sponsor of keeping this.

[Chris Hoadley]

Hot body nice and cool.

[Guest or Performer]

Gonna go out, go out tonight. Gonna get down and get in a knife fight out on the town. Tackle a stranger, roll on the ground. I'm entitled to more, that's who I am. I'm taking what's yours because I can. You're in my lane. You're taking my sp. My burger has cheese. You've lost the plot. I'm beating you up and posting online. I need more attention. What's your. Is now mine. Come watch me right now. I'm angry and mad. Making you smaller makes me less sad. I've come here to rage, spill out of my head. Turn rage into riots. You heard what I said. Got out of my way. The rules don't apply. I'm simple and silly and I for an eye, I'm better than you. I'm better than you. I'm pretty and smooth, what can you do? I'm richer than you. I'm taller than you. You cannot do what I will not do.

[Commercial Narrator]

On this episode of the commercial break.

[Chris Hoadley]

There are literally millions of species of whatever the living under our feet, under the water that we have never discovered, we have yet to discover or study or name or any of that. And that to me is insanity. Just when you think you got it all licked because you've been watching a lot of Nat Geo, then you figure out that I really don't know shit and neither does anyone else. We don't have this all figured out. Yes. We don't have this all figured out. Kids, I just got news for you. Mother Nature is a big, mammoth, hairy, lovely, beautiful woman. But she is by far way out of our purview. We don't know, we don't understand. We just don't get it.

[Commercial Narrator]

The next episode of the commercial break starts now.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, boy.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the Commercial break.

[Brian Green]

I'm Brian Green, this is my dear friend and the co host of this.

[Chris Hoadley]

Show, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.

[Joy Hoadley]

Best to you, Brian.

[Brian Green]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe.

[Chris Hoadley]

Thanks for joining us. I'm watching a reel as we're going into the show about a guy who bought a million dollar yacht and he's launching it out of Turkey where the boat was built. So it was just. They're gonna slide it into the water as they do with these big boats. He slides it into the water? Yeah. It's like a little toy. It's unbelievable. They do that with the biggest of ships also, you know, like the Disney Cruise Line. They just like slide it down a ramp, hope it stays forward. It all seems so kind of rambunctious for so such a large thing.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

So they slide it, you know, backwards into the water and the captain is on it, the new owner, and I guess I'm assuming somebody from the company to help him figure out how to use it. It goes into the water, tips over sideways and it's upside down in less than two minutes. And so the captain had to swim back to shore.

[Joy Hoadley]

Oh, my God.

[Chris Hoadley]

Hope it has insurance.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I mean.

[Chris Hoadley]

Cause I think the rule is once it hits the water and you are the owner, if you're on it, you've taken control of the ship.

[Joy Hoadley]

I mean, I don't know the ins and outs of yacht owning.

[Chris Hoadley]

I'm not a maritime law expert, but my uncle is.

[Joy Hoadley]

I would be saying refund or.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, remake.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, remake.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. Why did it tip over sideways?

[Joy Hoadley]

Seems like that was defective building.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. When it just tips over sideways like that, either it's really top heavy on one side or there's a lot of water coming in on one side of the boat. You know that my uncle is the preeminent attorney of maritime law in like, the world.

[Joy Hoadley]

I did not know.

[Chris Hoadley]

He helped write a lot of the insurance and shipping rules around pirating and how insurance companies handle pirating and kidnapping and all this other stuff.

[Joy Hoadley]

Pirates are a real thing.

[Chris Hoadley]

Even now, pirates are a real thing. And they're not just a real thing in the places where you think they might be. This is not like Pirates of the Caribbean, though. They have pirates in the Caribbean. That's not the places where you're most scared. It's like around the Horn of Africa, up into the like, you know, the, the Straits of Juarez or whatever it is. Suez, the Suez Canal, all those different places. But now it happens quite frequently all around the world, including one That I watched. A guy was trying to steal a boat in Florida. Like, they show up in this little dinghy. They pull up next to a boat that I wouldn't target for pirating if it was me. It just looks like, like a shitty houseboat to me. But they pull up, and one guy jumps out to get, you know, to jump onto the ship that he's trying to commandeer. And he falls into the water, grabs onto one of the bumpers like they have on the side of the boat, and he's begging, begging the guy who owns the boat, who's taking the video to let him on board because he.

[Joy Hoadley]

Doesn'T know how to swim.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. And the guy's like, you just tried to take over my boat. Why would I let you on my ship? And eventually, cooler heads prevail. And he does let him on the boat, but then he ties him up.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. I'd be calling the police right away.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. Just. Anyway, I don't know how we got on this subject, because I was watching yachting. I was watching a real yachting. Yachting.

[Joy Hoadley]

And your uncle, who's the.

[Chris Hoadley]

The pirate lawyer on international shipping and insurance, he's in Indianapolis.

[Joy Hoadley]

I bet he's interesting to talk.

[Chris Hoadley]

He is. He's spoken at, like, the U.N. he's done a lot of stuff. Now it's all a lot of paperwork, right. It's all a lot of legal jargon. And international maritime law is just what it sounds like. It's international, it's on the ocean, and it's only as good as the people who agree to adhere to it. And so I'm sure there's a lot of, like, loosey goosey bullshit that goes on in international maritime law. But he is one of those attorneys that just kind of helped form the field, so to speak, as shipping companies grew increasingly concerned over their goods and their wares and their people. And what do we do and how do we handle it? Right? Who gets paid out when this happens? Or how do you handle a kidnapping of or hijacking of a boat? How is that all? How is the minutia handled in the paperwork? And so the devil's in the details, and my uncle writes the details. So there you go.

[Joy Hoadley]

That's crazy. Well, there's a. There's a lot of, like, offshore oil drilling. Tune of. Those things are dangerous.

[Chris Hoadley]

I don't really know, but I've watched a lot of documentary footage and, like, a lot of YouTube videos and social media videos about people who are out on those ships.

[Joy Hoadley]

I met somebody on a plane One time a guy, and he was like on his way.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Joy Hoadley]

To go do that. I think he was. I think I was on my way to New Orleans. And he was going there too. Yeah, he was going to get on one of those rigs out in the ocean for months at a time.

[Chris Hoadley]

I also knew a guy in my twenties who would come to one of the bars that I worked at and he would come in like there would be like a two month stretch where he was there every other night. Yeah, a lot. He was young. He was probably my age at the time, so early 20s. And then he would be gone for six months at a time because he was out off the coast in Houston. He would like be out in Houston, he'd get on a helicopter, they drop him off. He'd live there for three or four months. You know, sometimes if he had a day off or a weekend off and he could swing it, they would helicopter him back to Houston so he could touch land and, you know, get fresh clothes or whatever it was. But he got paid a dick load of money.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, you get paid a lot of money.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, you sure do. And then I was watching a video regarding the people who go down and fix the pipes when there's problems. We're talking about the guys like the underwater welder types that go fix issues. I know you know this because I know that our audience is pretty smart in general, at least I like to think you are. In my brain, you're.

[Joy Hoadley]

They are. They're extremely smart.

[Chris Hoadley]

You're as smart as I am.

[Joy Hoadley]

Podcast listener.

[Chris Hoadley]

Well. Or smarter than the average podcast host, which would be me. Yeah. So when you dial up a website in Amsterdam or Spain, or you make an international phone call or you're transferring data, you're on whatever. Those lines of communication frequently happen in the air on satellites, but they more frequently happen in underwater cables, Right?

[Joy Hoadley]

That's right.

[Chris Hoadley]

And those cables are literally strung across the Atlantic and there's hundreds of them, if not thousands of them at this point. And so people have to service those lines. They have to go way far underwater and they have to work in incredible conditions in pressure bells, in vessels. They takes them months to decompress. The. It's. It's a weird life living like as a decompression diver. If you've seen that kind of. Have you ever seen that? Did you watch the most recent, like the Woody Harrelson movie about the guys who were doing decompression diving?

[Joy Hoadley]

No.

[Chris Hoadley]

Okay, true story. They go out on a ship that they are going to go down and fix some kind of oil well. Right, okay. And this ship is incredibly, it's like the latest and greatest in technology. It's got a hundred different positioning motors, like small motors that help the boat position. Satellite navigation, it can, it can literally put the divers within feet above where they're supposed to be and sit there and make sure that the boat stays still while the decompression divers live in a decompression chamber at the bottom of the ship. And what that does is essentially they lower or they raise the pressure slowly over a period of time with helium, and they put them in the same pressure environment that they're going to experience hundreds or a thousand feet underwater. These guys get paid a dickload of money, but they're gone for a long time. And they have to live in a decompression chamber which is like the size of two of these rooms and probably.

[Joy Hoadley]

Not great for your body, but.

[Chris Hoadley]

But I don't know, right? I mean, helium, they sound weird. They actually talk in what you would think of as someone who just sucked a bunch of helium, but apparently it doesn't do any dam damage to your lungs or your brain. But in the real life documentary, they talk in this super Mickey Mousey type voice, but they're living in this decompression chamber for weeks or months at a time. So they get their bodies adjusted to the pressure, and then when the boat gets over, wherever they're supposed to be, they get, they open up the hatch and they go down with all these wires attached to them, including hot water and air.

[Joy Hoadley]

Okay, okay.

[Chris Hoadley]

So on one fateful night, I think, out in the North Sea, three of them go to do this dive. The old grizzled veteran, the Tom Cruise, like, hard nosed, badass diver, and then the rookie, the guy who's just on.

[Joy Hoadley]

The scene, which was Woody.

[Chris Hoadley]

Woody was the grizzled veteran.

[Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. At this point, Woody's the grizzled veteran. Right. He was the newbie in Cheers. Right. That was 42 years ago, but I don't care. I'll take Woodley Harrelson and he's. Any way I can get it. Yeah. Okay. All right, so then this is a true story, by the way. True story. So Woody stays above directing, making sure that the wire, the lines don't get, you know, caught up, making sure that the water pressure for the hot water is on and then it's warm enough and that the air is going through these incredibly long, you know, essentially umbilical cords for these guys to survive.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

And these guys have these huge helmets on, just like you think of the old style.

[Joy Hoadley]

Right, Right.

[Chris Hoadley]

You know jewels. Yes. Jew. Jules Verne. Yeah, like a Jules Verne novel. 10,000 Leagues under the Sea. 20,000 Leagues under the Sea. Or like, you see in your friend's fish tank, he should have cleaned. The guy with the bubbles coming out of his head.

[Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Chris Hoadley]

That's the kind of suit that they're wearing.

[Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Chris Hoadley]

But their bodies are now accommodated to this pressure, the incredible pressure of having, you know, 5747 smooshing in on you. And they're down there to fix this big, huge well box. Imagine something that's like the size of my house, okay? And they got to go in there and they got to do some work work on this.

[Joy Hoadley]

Maintenance, maintenance.

[Chris Hoadley]

Up above on the ship, above the diving bell, which is down, like, you know, 600, 800ft below them that also has an umbilical connected to it. The ship is experiencing rough seas. There's a storm. It's the middle of the night, and all of a sudden, all of these little motors that keep them in check fail. It all fails at the same time. The technology fails. There's a glitch in the system. It's rebooting. Wheel of Death. Apple Wheel of Death. You know, it's just spinning.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

And the ship starts moving all over the place, dragging the diving bell with it. And then the diving bell is dragging the divers with it. And one of the guys gets stuck on this big contraption down there, and his umbilical snaps. Oh, and for. I can't remember what the exact amount of time was, but he had 42 minutes worth of air left in his personal. He had, like a. An air canister on his back.

[Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, like, 42 minutes of air left. He no longer has any warm water keeping his body warm. He's in, like, you know, 30 degree water, whatever. I mean, you know, 33 degree water. And he has no direct source of air except for the 42 minutes he's got.

[Joy Hoadley]

I can see why this was a movie.

[Chris Hoadley]

And he's down there for, like, if I'm not mistaken, four and a half hours.

[Joy Hoadley]

Oh, God.

[Chris Hoadley]

And these guys, Woody Harrelson and the other Tom Cruise, like, badass dude, once the badass dude manages to drag himself back up while this ship is dragging them all around the bottom of the sea floor. He's like, I lost him, but I promised him I'd come back. And they make the decision, we're gonna go back and we're gonna find it. Yeah. The ship Finds a way to manage to, you know, manually get itself back in position. Everyone up top is freaking out. Everyone down below is freaking out. And they eventually managed to get to this guy and pull him up into this diving bell. Like, many hours have passed since he should have been dead. And miraculously, after like, 15, 20 minutes, he pops his eyes open. No brain damage, no nada. The guy, like, comes back.

[Joy Hoadley]

That's incredible. I need to look at this movie. I need to watch this.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, my God, Chrissy. I saw the documentary first, which I think, quite frankly, is a much more intense version of this story because there is actual footage from the ship at the time, like, inside the ship. But the movie was a pretty good short watch in and of itself. Let me see if I can find the name. But we can now. I gotta tell everybody. It's on Netflix, I think. Harrelson diving movie. Yeah.

[Joy Hoadley]

And speaking of underwater stuff, I was just watching a home show the other day, and they went to go pick out their slab of marble.

[Chris Hoadley]

Okay.

[Joy Hoadley]

Their kitchen and whatever. And I didn't realize there were these slabs of. Of of stone that are harvested or quarried or whatever it's called underneath the ocean near Brazil.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, I didn't realize that either. Yeah. No, really?

[Joy Hoadley]

That's pretty crazy.

[Chris Hoadley]

Okay.

[Joy Hoadley]

There's got to be some guy doing that too, down there, cutting it.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, it's. Or a robot or something like that, but somebody has to be down there with him. Okay. 3. They were 300ft down. It's called Last Breath, in case you want to watch it. I do believe that it's on Netflix. He had 29 minutes of oxygen and whose oxygen ran out? 29. Okay. Excuse me. Not hours later, he was a 40. It was. It was like 41 minutes. He was without oxygen.

[Joy Hoadley]

Got it.

[Chris Hoadley]

Still 41 minutes without oxygen.

[Joy Hoadley]

That's a lot.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, that's crazy. I mean, that is just like, literally insane. And so speculation. Miracle or just mitochondria or what happened? My personal belief is there's got to be some scientific explanation. Some scientists have posed that because of the extreme cold that his body shut down, allowing him to need much less oxygen. He slowed down every process in his body, allowing him to need much less oxygen and therefore saving his life. But the guy came out, like, unscathed. Jeez, it's like a Tuesday afternoon, and he went back diving. Fuck that. There are two places on this earth that I am not interested in going to. It's the bottom of the ocean and space.

[Joy Hoadley]

Space.

[Chris Hoadley]

Those two places. I just. I could stay out of. Do you know it's down in the ocean. Scary aliens.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yes, I know. I read and I've seen the James Cameron things and all the deep sea stuff. It's like, you know, deep, deep sea Earth or whatever. And yeah, it's all albino too, because it doesn't see light.

[Chris Hoadley]

It's. It's. It's. Sorry, I don't know what that was. I pressed the wrong one there. It is all fucking scary.

[Joy Hoadley]

It is very scary.

[Chris Hoadley]

I saw a reel this morning of the telescope fish, which is this, like, albino, translucent ghost fish that has the jaws of a scary, weird comic book creature and two huge translucent eyes and it eats, Eats other fish that managed to make their way down to the bottom of, like, you know, the Mariana Trench or whatever. In this reel it said that there are more species of animal and bacteria and blah, blah, blah, creatures, fish, whatever, underwater than there are discovered on top of water by like a hundredfold.

[Joy Hoadley]

Wow.

[Chris Hoadley]

There are literally millions of species of whatever the fuck living under our feet, under the water that we have never discovered, we have yet to discover or study or name or any of that. And that, to me, is insanity. Just when you think you got it all licked because you've been watching a lot of Nat Geo, then you figure out that I really don't know and neither does anyone else. We don't have this all figured out. Yes. We don't have this all figured out. Kids, I just got news for you. Mother Nature is a big, mammoth, hairy, lovely, beautiful woman, but she is, by far, way out of our purview. We don't know. We don't understand. We just don't get it. I was watching James Cameron's little.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, the sub thing.

[Chris Hoadley]

He's like, weird envelope sub that goes down, you know, to the bottom, three miles under the Mariana Trench, which is the deepest part of the ocean so far that we've discovered.

[Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Chris Hoadley]

There's another guy, you know, Jean Julie Jablay, or whatever his name was, he took.

[Joy Hoadley]

Jacques Cousteau.

[Chris Hoadley]

No, it's not Jacques Cousteau. He's been dead, but his son's alive. John Cousteau. No kidding.

[Joy Hoadley]

Just say it with confidence.

[Chris Hoadley]

I did. He took five trips down to a part of the ocean where they believe that the tsunamis that hit Indonesia and Bali and all those places, that terrible tsunami about a decade and a half ago, they believe that it originated from the fact that there's one plate is moving under what they call it subversion or something. Subversion. I don't know. One plate's moving under another one. And there is like literally a knuckle, a mountain range that is holding it from releasing more under itself. And that when it releases, then the big one comes like the tsunami that, you know, kills everything within thousands of miles. All right, but if he could just go down there five times, he could figure out why this is all going on, study new species and figure out why the. What we can do about the knuckle. And I'm thinking to myself, you bonehead, I appreciate that somebody else is going down there to figure all this out on my behalf because he spends like 30 hours in that envelope and he can't piss and he can't stretch his legs and he's like stuck in a weird position.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, that's right. He's like manning it. It's just, he's in close quarters and.

[Chris Hoadley]

Just like the Titan submersible that exploded or imploded or whatever, there's like two tiny little holes you can look out. What are you really discovering down there? That it's dark and cold. But he thinks he's going to beat the mountain range by getting down to the bottom. I don't know. It seemed like a really weird task to me. But I understand they, they.

[Joy Hoadley]

I don't know, it's some people's, you know, passion.

[Chris Hoadley]

Absolutely. I loved it when I was a kid. Jacques Cousteau was my hero. I wanted to be a marine biologist until I learned that you actually have to go under the water to figure.

[Joy Hoadley]

Out what's under the water and take scientific classes.

[Chris Hoadley]

That both of those things that. There's a third thing that's scary to me. It's science.

[Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Chris Hoadley]

Scary, creepy. Binocular fish will eat your little ding dong. When you die from a shark attack, your body parts will float down and the binocular fish will use its telescoping. Yes, your telescoping teeth. To crush the last parts of you. You will be eaten by the aliens of Earth, also known as telescope fish.

[Joy Hoadley]

Those things are scary.

[Chris Hoadley]

So scary.

[Joy Hoadley]

A lot of that stuff that they found.

[Chris Hoadley]

And why do we need a close up? Why do we need a picture that close up? Like it's already scary. Why do we need to see it? Like it's got a personality. Like it's a Disney character or something.

[Joy Hoadley]

No, I'm good with snorkeling and perhaps Scooby dive scuba diving at some point.

[Chris Hoadley]

I'm good with Scooby diving. That sounds good to me. Scooby diving. Eating Scooby.

[Joy Hoadley]

Then I want to go down real.

[Chris Hoadley]

Deep no, I'm not interested. We went to the Mediterranean and we were on a boat and. And the guy just, you know, ships ahoy and he like throws the anchor and he's like, all right, jump in. And my kids are like, yeah. And I'm like, no, what, What? What? Huh? Shouldn't we go to a beach? Like, we walking?

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

You want us to jump in? And the water's like crystal blue, but. And you still can't see the bottom. And I'm like, I. I don't know.

[Joy Hoadley]

It's a little scary, but maybe not even scarier than a lake. Lake's a little weird.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh. I've decided that the lake is the scarier version. I'd much rather be in the ocean. Give me the sharks, the dolphins and the killer whales. I'd much rather be in the ocean than the lake. Because while the ocean has big scary creatures, the lake has tiny microscopic creatures that can eat your ears. Flesh eating bacteria. Yeah. They get into your penis. All of a sudden your penis looks like a purple balloon. It's falling off and you don't know why.

[Joy Hoadley]

You can't 21 EPM.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, you can't. 21 EPA. It's all just Lake Lanier. Some jackhole on a 300 foot houseboat is pissing off the side of it, putting syphilis into it and creating a super boat.

[Joy Hoadley]

I saw that there was like, ahead of the Labor Day weekend, there was like 60% of the beaches had too much fecal matter for you to get into the water all around the coast of the US that's promising.

[Chris Hoadley]

Sounds promising. So it's going to happen, kids. As it gets warmer and the ocean just can't take care of itself, can't recycle it naturally, it will become something different. It will figure out. Life will figure out a way. With or without us. It will figure out a way. So if it's just like, you know, poopy telescopic monsters just eating the poop off the top of the ocean, well, then, guess what? That's what's going to happen. Yeah. And we're not going to be able to swim in it or drink it or bathe in it. And we're all going to die of slow, painful death. So happy, happy Thursday.

[Joy Hoadley]

Happy Thursday.

[Chris Hoadley]

Happy Thursday to you. All right, I got an interesting update on a character I don't think you've heard much about in many years. But he's up to exactly what we thought he'd be up to. So let's take a break.

[Joy Hoadley]

Frankie.

[Chris Hoadley]

No, no, no, no, no. Think Olympian. Oh, think Olympian.

[Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Chris Hoadley]

Think about Olympian. Oh, y.

[Joy Hoadley]

Lock t. Yeah, he's up.

[Chris Hoadley]

To exactly what we imagined.

[Joy Hoadley]

I can't wait to see.

[Chris Hoadley]

All right, we'll be back.

[Rachel (Voice of God)]

Hey, it's Rachel, your new voice of God here on tcb. And just like you, I'm wondering just how much longer this podcast can continue. Let's all rejoice that another episode has made it to your ears. And I'll rejoice that my check is in the mail. Speaking of mail, get your free TCB sticker in the mail by going to tcbpodcast.com and visiting the Contact Us page page. You can also find the entire commercial break library, audio and video, just in case you want to look at [e-mail] Want your voice to be on an episode of the show? Leave us a message at 212-4333, TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Tell us how much you love us and we'll be sure to let the world know on a future episode. Or you could make fun of us. That'd be fine, too. We might not air that, but maybe. Oh, and if you're shy, that's okay. Just send a text. We'll respond. Now, I'm gonna go check the mailbox for payment while you check out our sponsors, and then we'll return to this episode of the commercial break.

[Brian Green]

This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.

[Chris Hoadley]

I'm out on our little break.

[Brian Green]

I'm over at the local coffee shop and I'm talking to one of the people behind the counter, and they say, I want to start my own podcast.

[Chris Hoadley]

To which I reply, you already have more listeners than we did.

[Brian Green]

But their question to me was, what do I need in order to launch a podcast? Three things. A microphone, an idea, and a website. And our good friends at Squarespace, they have the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're creating content, selling something, offering a service, or just want to keep people informed about your comings and goings, you can build your website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. And if a website is a building block of a business, what's the building blocks of the website? Two things, in my opinion. Number one, design. You got to have a good looking design, and Squarespace has a collection of cutting edge design tools that anyone can use to build a website that fits your brand perfectly. Number two, building block. You have to be found as I've often said about podcasting, if you want to be heard, you have to get found. No different out there on the world wide web. And search engine optimization is the key to doing that. While some companies and services may charge thousands or tens of thousands of dollars for search engine optimization, it's included with every single website on Squarespace.

[Chris Hoadley]

And the great news about all of this, this is you do not have.

[Brian Green]

To be some designer, programmer, search engine optimization expert. Squarespace is designed to help me build a website. And if I can do it, you can do it.

[Chris Hoadley]

I'm really not all that smart.

[Brian Green]

Go to squarespace.com commercial to save 10 off your purchase of a website or domain using the code commercial and start building your business or grow the one that you have or refresh that multi billion dollar conglomerate. Squarespace.com commercial and when you're ready to launch, make sure to use the code commercial.

[Chris Hoadley]

And thank you to Squarespace for always.

[Brian Green]

Being a sponsor of the commercial break.

[Joy Hoadley]

Thanks for selling your car to Carvana. Here's your check.

[Chris Hoadley]

Whoa. When did I get here?

[Joy Hoadley]

What do you mean?

[Chris Hoadley]

I swear it was just moments ago that I accepted a great offer from Carvana online. I must have time traveled to the future.

[Joy Hoadley]

It was just moments ago. We do same day pickup up. Here's your check for that great offer.

[Chris Hoadley]

It is the future.

[Joy Hoadley]

It's, it's the present and just the convenience of Carvana. Sorry to blow your mind.

[Chris Hoadley]

It's all good. Happens all the time.

[Joy Hoadley]

Sell your car the convenient way to Carvana. Pickup times may vary and fees may apply.

[Chris Hoadley]

It's going to be a water themed episode of the commercial break. Speaking of, do you remember when my kids went on my uncle in law's brand new million dollar yacht and directly spilled grape juice all over their white, white canvas walls and carpeting that they had to get replaced? Well, when we went down to Naples earlier in the summer, they came over from Miami.

[Joy Hoadley]

Okay, I was wondering about that.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, and I love them. They're so great and they're so gracious and they're always nice, you know, and even during all of that drama. Don't worry about it. We got it. It's fine. Kids are kids. And I could just tell he wanted to beat me up and throw me off the ship. But you know, know, what am I.

[Joy Hoadley]

Gonna do about your family?

[Chris Hoadley]

I offered to pay. He wouldn't let me. Okay, so we go over to Miami to go take care of go drive from Naples. I told you went and went and did the thing, you know, at the embassy and all this Other stuff. And then we go over to my uncle in law and my aunt in law's house because they're gonna have a little party for us, right? Everyone's gonna come over, we're all gonna have a little party, cook some food, have some beer, do the cookout.

[Joy Hoadley]

Sounds fun.

[Chris Hoadley]

Sounds great. But now I have been up since really early in the morning because we had to get up at like 5:30, 5, 45 in the morning to get over to Miami in time for our appointment, blah, blah, blah. And it's now like three o'clock in the afternoon. So it's been a long afternoon and I'm feeling very tired.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

So I get in and the. My aunt in law not gonna name by name. They say, no, no, no, no. We have an extra room. Go take a nap. You don't need to worry about what. Everybody's here, take care of the kids, sleep. It's just the way that they are, right? Comfort, family, love. My house is your house. Do your thing, so.

[Joy Hoadley]

Plus, you can't speak Spanish, so get lost.

[Chris Hoadley]

I can't. Yeah, I can't speak Spanish, so it doesn't matter anyway, I'm out of the conversation. I'm. I will suffer my fate of having to be able to only understand portions of words when 16 people aren't talking at each other at the same time. So I jump in the bed and I'm trying to get a little shut eye. And about 20 minutes in I hear, oh my God, everyone's screaming. And I'm like, what is that? But no one comes running in to alert me. So I take the opportunity to figure that no one has lost a finger, because if they had, I'm sure I would have been the first one in. No one seems to like, no one seems to be able to handle blood except for Brian, right? So I'm like, okay, just ignore it. It was something, but a glass or whatever. Somebody broke a glass or whatever it was. So I come out about an hour, hour and a half later after my nap, and Astrid goes, well, look at this. For years I had been going over there and they have been. They're like, they don't. They're not art collectors, but they have some art around.

[Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Chris Hoadley]

Part of what they have is they have some sculptures, right? They have some sculptures that were created by a Venezuelan artist who now lives in Miami, who's very sought after. He's friends with the family. And for years they've had this same sculpture sitting on the table, the coffee table. And I have seen it every time I have been there for the last decade of my life and now it is split in half.

[Joy Hoadley]

Oh, shit.

[Chris Hoadley]

Sitting on the kitchen counter.

[Joy Hoadley]

Oh, no.

[Chris Hoadley]

And I am like, fuck. Well, one of the kids sat on the table and pushed the thing off and it broke. And you know, whatever. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. He goes, first that you spill wine all. You spilled grape juice all over the app. Now your kids are breaking my sculptures. I don't know, man. I don't know. And I was like, I, I don't worry about it. So I quickly ascertained who this person was, how to get a hold of them. I find their website, that's a good start. I send them an email and before anybody knows it, before anybody can say anything, I've already addressed the situation and explain, can you fix it or can you create one similar. Yeah, well, at toward the end of the night, I explained, you know, he says, hey, don't worry about the sculpture, man. We'll get it fixed. He's a friend of the family. We'll figure it out. Don't worry about it. I said, it's already done. It's already done. And he said, what's already done? And I got, I already emailed the guy. I'm. It's already, I'm fixing it. We're gonna get it taken care. Don't worry about it. And this is the kind of people they are because he says, no, no, no, no, no, you're not fixing it. I'm fixing it. I will take care of it. Now like he's telling his wife to text the guy. And everyone, now everyone's fighting over who's going to get a hold of him first. Well, the guy never texted me back, but in like a week they got a new one or got it fixed or whatever.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

And so, you know, they sent me a little ribbing for my birthday. I assume that, you know, look at the brand new sculpture. We, we paid for it, right. And I'm like, it was my kids fault. They couldn't afford it anyway to pretend.

[Joy Hoadley]

Right? Right.

[Chris Hoadley]

Do you take Diners Club? You take AmEx points? Because as soon as I pay my bill, they're going to let me use them. Then it's likely that I'll be able to. Whatever. Ryan.

[Joy Hoadley]

Good.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, it's good. They're so sweet.

[Joy Hoadley]

Turned out okay in the end anyway. The third time though, might be the strikeout.

[Chris Hoadley]

I just keep thinking back to the time that he got a brand new Mercedes Benz, beautiful E Class convertible. All the Accoutrements, like the really nice version of it.

[Joy Hoadley]

The kind of cars that people in Miami drive.

[Chris Hoadley]

The kind of. The kind of cars that people in Miami drive. The kind of car that you want to drive. It's a super luxurious, super comfortable, super beautiful car. And this guy's not showy offy at all. He just. He doesn't show off his things. He has things, right? And he brings everybody into it. He's always a party. And this is the same guy that. Whose daughter got married in Spain when we went to that beautiful wedding. We're there for a week and they're just like taking care of everybody. That's just who they are. They don't give a. About the money. They give a shit. They have it and they care about everybody else around them. And it's not that they're just like willy nilly giving money away, but they're also not counting every dollar. Because you know me, I would be the same too. I have been the same. That's why I'm right. So. So I just like. He gets this Mercedes, I'm over there one time he pulls up from work and I happen to be outside, and he's like, wow. And I go, wow. Whoa, man, that's beautiful. You know, look at that. That's beautiful. I'd love to have one of those. And he goes, here, take it for a ride. Yeah, take it. And I'm like. And all I can think about every time that one of my kids messes up something expensive of his is, thank God I didn't crash the Mercedes Benz. Thank God I didn't crash the fucking Mercedes.

[Joy Hoadley]

I know. Reminds me of a story, you know, a friend of ours, I mean, I'll just say his name, Simon. That is kind of like that kind of guy.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Joy Hoadley]

He's got money, but he invites you in on it. Like, yes, I've got it. Don't worry about it. I'm taking care of it. What would you like to drink? What would you like to eat? Do you want to take my car for a spin? Same thing. We were over there. My dad was at this party that he was having for like, it was the M and Park Day or Inman park, you know, what is it in Park Fest? Veteran Park Fest. Yes. So we're over there, he's got an Aston Martin, and my dad is like, oh, my God, James Bond car. La la la la la. Simon's like, bing, take it for a spin.

[Chris Hoadley]

No shit.

[Joy Hoadley]

And he let my dad. Meanwhile, my dad is going five miles an hour of Course he is the block and fills it back in like a nervous wreck.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, listen, when someone else hands you a vehicle like that, you are sure to be very careful, or you're just a fucking idiot with it.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Chris Hoadley]

Speaking of Miami, speaking of the water, you know, there's a guy who lives down in Miami who goes in the water a lot. He's one of the world's best swimmers, or he was one of the world's best swimmers. The name is Ryan Lochte. Now, you may or may not remember Ryan Lochte. He was around him. Michael Phelps.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, Michael Phelps. They were neck and neck and.

[Chris Hoadley]

And they were on the same team, but they would compete in a few. And Phelps was the better swimmer every time. But Ryan was no slouch. Him himself. He was also breaking world records and.

[Joy Hoadley]

Taking home people in Brazil. What was that thing that he got robbed?

[Chris Hoadley]

He was drunk. He pretended that he would. He had gotten robbed because he was drunk and he was out gallivanting in the middle of the night where he shouldn't have been, outside of the approved.

[Joy Hoadley]

Zone, the Olympic Village.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. Likely looking for drugs. Let's just be honest about it. But, I mean, you're about to swim in the Olympics, they're going to piss test you. What are you doing? Why are you out there boozing it up? Or maybe he was done.

[Joy Hoadley]

I knew he was done.

[Chris Hoadley]

Ryan was never the straightest of swimmers. And I don't mean that in a sexual way, and I don't mean that in an actual way. What I mean is he was always the bad boy of the sport, and he was the bad boy in general of all Olympians for the United States. For a period of time there, Ryan just was kind of a lug nut. And he didn't know what a good thing he had. He could have been like Michael Phelps and had all the millions and millions of dollars worth of endorsements and all the accolades and all the appreciation, but he could barely form sentences, and he never seemed to stay out of trouble. He was always in some kind of trouble, whether implied or for real. So the only thing that Ryan got out of all of his fame and fortune and his two Olympics of having, you know, many golds and silvers and platinum or bronzes and all this, all he managed to get was a shitty reality show that was only on for about four episodes.

[Joy Hoadley]

Oh, yeah, what was that?

[Chris Hoadley]

And everybody decided that we really weren't that interested in what. What was going on in Ryan Lochte's head.

[Joy Hoadley]

Well, because it wasn't a lot.

[Chris Hoadley]

No, it wasn't and it was clear to see he was not all there. Listen, I don't know if he's not all there. He wasn't all there. I mean, this is. Let's call it like we see it. He. This. Obviously, he was a great swimmer, athletic as he could be. But that allowed him, I think, to get by on the good looks and the athleticism he never really had.

[Joy Hoadley]

Kind of epitome of the dumb jock.

[Chris Hoadley]

Dumb jock? Yeah, yeah. If you. If I think of dumb jock, I think of Ryan Lochte. He, like, epitomizes that. Now, I'm sure there's lots of people that love Ryan Lochtech, and I'm sure he's done a lot of amazing things for great people. I'm not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I only know what I see on television. That's it.

[Joy Hoadley]

That was just the general perception.

[Chris Hoadley]

Absolutely. Even NBC, who covered the Olympics, was kind of implying he was like a dumb, dumb. You know what I'm saying? They'd, like make. They. They put sound effects when he was talking. I mean, honestly, he'd be. They'd be. He'd get out of the water and they'd be like, ryan, great job. You broke the world record by three and a half seconds. How you feeling? Well, I was swimming. And we'll be back to NBC Olympic coverage after this. Yes, he was like. He was being made fun of implicitly. Well, I think we might have an idea of why now.

[Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Chris Hoadley]

Ryan got married and Ryan had kids. And I guess he's living a life with those.

[Joy Hoadley]

With that wife and those kids in Miami.

[Chris Hoadley]

I think it's in Miami that he still lives. I know he was from Florida. I think it was Miami. He is going through a divorce. Never a good thing. That sucks. And especially when there's kids involved.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Chris Hoadley]

Always a painful thing. But the reason that she is divorcing him is varied, you know, in irreconcilable differences and all this other stuff, which is usually the. That most of the basis for divorces in this country that you just can't see eye to eye and you're not going to figure it out.

[Joy Hoadley]

It's not working.

[Chris Hoadley]

It's not working out. But one of the other things that is claimed and now Ryan has admitted to is that he has been doing a lot of huffing of nitrous oxide over the years. Yes. He is running around the house huffing nitrous oxide.

[Joy Hoadley]

So she put those personal little tank things.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, the personal little tank things that are destroying people's lives. Right now. I mean, honestly, there's two things in this world. World that are going on that you may or may not know about. We all know about tranq. We all know about fentanyl. We all know about the zombie drugs and the zombie streets up in the northeast and wherever.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

At least you should know about that. Right? There's very heavy sedatives that are making people like, I don't know, stand on one toe. Like, it's so weird to see. So weird.

[Joy Hoadley]

Because I saw it in person in Seattle.

[Chris Hoadley]

How do you not fall over? Yeah, I don't know. But they'll, like. They'll be like balancing on one toe for hours at a time.

[Joy Hoadley]

Leaning over.

[Chris Hoadley]

Leaning over at a. Like Michael Jackson in a video. But never falling over, but their eyes are closed. It's so strange. Zombies. Zombies. That's all you can say. But there's two drugs that are wreaking havoc on the underbelly of America right now. And one is nitrous oxide and other Freon and other stuff. But nitrous oxide, because it is. You are allowed to buy it.

[Joy Hoadley]

We talked about it.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yes.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, we talked about the local vape store.

[Chris Hoadley]

That's right. The local vape store started an entire crisis throughout the country by flavoring them and putting them out in colorful boxes in these cans that they were getting from China, filling them up and then distributing them by the tens of thousands around the Southeast and all around the country. And this started a black market for this.

[Joy Hoadley]

Ryan got a hold of it.

[Chris Hoadley]

Ryan's in on it. Like, Ryan got a hold of it. He's a nitrous oxide kind of guy. And when you think about it, it's starting to make a little sense why Ryan may not have seemed all there there. That's something that's not going to show up on a drug test. And it's something you can do quickly and it goes away quickly and it makes you dumb as dirt.

[Joy Hoadley]

It kills brain cells.

[Chris Hoadley]

Does kill brain cells, because that's how you get high. It kills your brain cells and then you get high. Kills the neurons that are shoot firing off in your head and then it starves your brain of oxygen. We're talking about laughing gas, in case you don't know. Same stuff you get at a dentist, but the dentist has medical grade quality and controls the flow slowly over the course of a procedure or whatever. So you just kind of drift off and.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. It's not a quick high.

[Chris Hoadley]

No, it's not. Though I have had some dentists who have definitely juiced Me up. And I appreciate it every time because I hate the dentist.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Chris Hoadley]

So Ryan gets on a video to retort these allegations where she says, he was high around the kids, he was driving the kids while he's on nitrous oxide. All terrible.

[Joy Hoadley]

So dangerous.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. Never ever, forever. I don't even think I've been drunk around my kids ever. And. And, you know, I understand there's lots of parents who can operate at some form of buzzed. And I'm so. I'm not throwing, like, casting dispersions. I've seen it myself.

[Joy Hoadley]

Mental.

[Chris Hoadley]

I'm not judgmental.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

Except when I'm judgmental.

[Joy Hoadley]

It's just not for you.

[Chris Hoadley]

It's just not for me. But high on nitrous oxide. I don't know that that's the smartest choice in the world.

[Joy Hoadley]

No, it's not.

[Chris Hoadley]

But Ryan went online to say. To tell everybody that he was 15 days sober, and while he. Yes, there were. There was drug use in the house. It was never around the children. And I couldn't think of a more dumb thing that he could have said in that moment. And which lawyer had explained to him that it was okay to release that video because you were doing it in the house where your children lived, but you weren't doing it around the children where your children lived. Dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. What did you do, hide in the corner?

[Joy Hoadley]

Oh, I was gonna say in the pantry.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, I mean, come out. Don't bother Daddy right now. Woo. I've got the spoon. Yeah.

[Joy Hoadley]

Hey.

[Chris Hoadley]

Waw wah wah wah. Right? Don't bother daddy. I'm in my wawa zone. Can you get my binky and my chupa? Wa wa wa wa wa. I mean, so fucking incredibly stupid of him to say you're doing it in the house, but not around the children. The children live in the house, therefore you are around the children.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. Don't be a fucking lug nut, Ryan. I appreciate the sobriety.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. Good for you.

[Chris Hoadley]

Keep going, bud. Keep going. There's. Life's on the other side. You'll figure it out. And. And I really do encourage you to figure it out, because I'm sure that that addiction must be crippling. Crippling. Because we know from reading the story here on air, the expose that Vice magazine did on this or the New Yorker, whoever it was, that there were people literally camped outside of these stores, and they would go through, like, an entire quarter of a tank.

[Joy Hoadley]

Get into the car and do it, do it.

[Chris Hoadley]

Come back in. Yeah. Rob people. Tell Them, we would pay them later, use their mom's credit card, use their dad's credit. Use somebody else's credit card just to get the next hit of nitrous oxide. Now, I've done nitrous oxide.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, me too.

[Chris Hoadley]

I guess I can see how it would be addictive, but it's not something I pine over. Yeah, yeah. Like at a fish concert, there's a balloon being passed around. Cool, dude. Yeah, but, like, standing outside the store, scratching and itching and waiting for my nitrous interest. No, but there's. Ryan, I hope you get better, but I. I think you need an attorney before you put out any more public service announcements.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I would not do that.

[Chris Hoadley]

I think you just gave the judge all the fuel he needs to keep you away from the children, at least for a period of time, until you can prove that you're clean and sober. And you don't want to see that, because kids need both their parents. Not high, not around, not on nitrous oxide. But kids need both their parents. If available. If around. If available. The other thing that I'm reading about is the seven. Oh. Have you heard about this?

[Joy Hoadley]

No.

[Chris Hoadley]

All right, I'll tell you a little bit more about seven. Oh. Let's take a break.

[Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Chris Hoadley]

We'll be back.

[Rachel (Voice of God)]

Okay. You're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at tcb. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid, too? You know you do. Leave a message for her or me or Chrissy at 212-4333, TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show, too. Just call and say something, anything. Or text us, and we'll text you right back. Promise. Then head over to tcbpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker, and we must abide. You get the point? Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and watch all the episodes on [e-mail] TheCommercialBreak Best to you and Astrid. Especially Astrid.

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[Chris Hoadley]

All right. To fully understand 7 oh, I think I need to give you a little primer course.

[Joy Hoadley]

Okay, I'm ready.

[Chris Hoadley]

We've had for many years in this country an opiate addiction problem as there was one one doctor in the United States of America who put out a statement saying I don't believe that oxycodone is physically addictive. I don't believe those are the words that he used. And they used that statement millions of times to sell billions of doses and get them out on the street. That created this huge black market and addicted people from the richest to the poorest and everything in between. We've all known somebody who has been to the doctor for knee replacement surgery or a broken arm and come out.

[Joy Hoadley]

With a hurt back.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, and come out with a bad opiate problem. So no, again, casting no dispersions here. I know people in my own life who have struggled with this and it's easy to see why. If you take a couple of painkillers on a Tuesday night, it's easy to see why people get addicted to those things. But it's physically addicted to. Because it binds to the opiate receptors in your brain, create, causing your brain to be euphoric, but then it creates more opiate receptors over time that need also to be filled with that opiate medication. That's what causes the physical addiction and the withdrawal can be hell. We all know this.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. It's awful.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah. So for many years, there is a Indonesian plant that has been used, shipped into the United States of America, sold at a lot of gas stations, certainly most head shops, and all over online that has been used kind of as a. I guess, a. A supplement to allow people some pain relief without taking actual medications. And then also some people report that it helps them with concentration. Adhd. It's called Kratom, and it's been around for a very long time. It's been used in Asian Indonesia for hundreds of years, if not thousands of years. It's been imported into the United States by the ton because people buy it, they make a tea out of it. There's pills, there's powders, there's lotions, there's potions.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. Isn't it derived from a plant or something?

[Chris Hoadley]

The Kratom leaf?

[Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, yeah. And there's all different varieties of kratom leaf and, you know, strengths and power and whatever. It's not a pharmaceutical. It's an organic. It's a nutraceutical, whatever you call those things. So not a nutraceutical in. Or whatever you call it. It's organic.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

So you can buy this anywhere. You can likely go down to the gas station down the street. Not like the quick trip, but, you know, your local, you know, shitty gas station on the corner where they sell, like, you know why, Brian? 3,000 glass pipes.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

They probably sell Kratom there too. At least they do where I. Where I live. But this also binds to the opiate receptors and helps people in certain ways. There are many, many advocates for cradle them. Many. And as a matter of fact, while many states have tried to outlaw Kratom, only a few have because there is also a kratom lobby that made up of doctors and specialists and pain spe. You know, pain people, pain patients, pain specialists who say this offers some relief, but it's considerably less dangerous if used correctly than actually putting someone on oxycodone or oxycontin. Right, right. In that kratom, by a tiny percentage per kilogram, there's something called seven. Oh. Which is one of the opiate binding chemicals that comes out of Kratom, one of them. And it is by a magnitude more powerful than any other opiate known to man. According to scientists. It's called 7 o' clock H. It's very potent, very powerful, and some shitty, you know, Amsterdam chemists will figure it out, that we will make millions and millions of dollars have figured out how to synthesize this in a lab, press it into pills and powders and sell it online on the streets, in gas stations all over. It is ruining people's lives, Ruining people's lives. They're there. The Tick Tock is littered. If you. If you go on Tick Tock and you do 7oh. It's littered with stories of young people who took some 7oh. At a party, bought it at a gas station. There are drinks, they make drinks, seltzers out of it. All kind of different stuff. Just like they do with Kratom. They make seltzer waters out of it. Whatever. These happy drinks, they really make you happy. And people get addicted. They go from drinking like, you know, half a can every two weeks, weeks to like 30 cans in a day, every day.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

Because their body needs more and more of it because it is considerably stronger than fentanyl, heroin, opium, all of it. And there is no law that restricts people from using it, taking it, putting it into ingredients because it is one of these, you know, just like one chemical off, one little, you know, whatever they call it, off. One little shake of the salt shaker off from the recipe known as narcotic drug. And so it gets by regulation until recently when the FDA put out a warning to the big seven oh makers, hey, what you're doing is illegal and we're going to figure it out. So we suggest you stop manufacturing it now. Warning shot across the bow. But really fucking knows this day and age. Is the FDA even a thing anymore? Does it exist? I don't know. Who knows? Right? Right. And you know, I listen. I don't have a dog in this fight. Don't take seven oh. Never taken seven oh. The only time that I have tried Kratom was a drink that Chrissy and I drank with Reggie Watts. It did give me the light and fuzzies, but it wasn't like I sent me to the moon.

[Joy Hoadley]

Slight.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, slight euphoric. Kind of like, you know, happy giggly type thing. Yeah, But I wouldn't say that it was something that I would chase. As a matter of fact, I think I still have one of them. But I will share that. You know, I think anybody should be able to do anything they want as long as they're not hurting anybody else. But here's where there's a little bit of a slippery slope for me. Because if you're 16, 17 years old and you're walking into whatever gas station or head shop or what, I mean, you wouldn't be walking into a head shop, but if you're walking in whatever gas station and you're buying your fizzy happy tonic juice, right, and you have no clue what this is doing to you physically, and then all of a sudden you can't get through a day at high school until you have seven of these drinks or you're flopping out on the floor with sweat and heart racing and eyeballs popping out of your head, then I think that you are causing harm to other people who may not know better. Because a lot of people don't understand about this seven. Oh, there are a few people, people who are ringing the bell and there's lots of cautionary tales out there. But, you know, kids, look at me, look at me as an example. I grew up in a time when it was a lot less dangerous. A lot less dangerous. Cocaine was cocaine, ecstasy, with something you were pretty sure that wasn't going to kill you. Crystal meth was crystal meth. You know, things were things. They were things. Weed was shitty and it came from Mexico and it just gave you a headache. No one cared. And if it didn't have any seeds in it, that was like the best weed you'd ever had. Now the weed is like 40% potency. It's insane, right? But now people have figured out, big money has figured out how to manufacture these things in a lab. One chemical off from this or one degree off from that. And they get by the regulators and they have no idea what it's doing to people and they don't care because they're just making millions and millions of dollars for a short period of time, folding up shop and going away without any consequences. And it makes me feel scared for the children, but it makes me feel bad for the kids growing up today that they're faced with all of these choices. Like, if I could have bought what I thought was going to be something like cocaine at a head shop or a gas station, I would have been standing outside of the gas station at 7 in the morning, scratching my arm for much cheaper and much more potent, I would have done that. But that wasn't something that was offered back then. We just had no doubt. Yeah. D and no dose.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, the no dose. I remember hearing about Those no dose.

[Chris Hoadley]

Is a caffeine pill. It is a concentrated caffeine pill. It's all it is just a high dose of caffeine. It's like drinking two large cups of Starbucks without any actual liquid. Win. Imagine that. Right?

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

One pill. And they sell them in packets. So let me tell you a little cautionary tale here, Chrissy. The year was whatever the year was, and I was working at that McDonald's.

[Joy Hoadley]

Oh, right.

[Chris Hoadley]

And we would have to close the store sometimes and then open the store. I think I've told this story before. And one night, my friend Terry and I were closing the store. So we got done at like 12 or 1 in the morning. It was like a Saturday. And then on Sunday, we had to be back to open the store. We were asked to open, which give us. Gave us about four hours of free time before we had to be back at the McDonald's. Talk about child labor. Is there child labor laws back then? Now that I'm thinking about this, yes. Yeah. We're like 15 years old.

[Joy Hoadley]

McDonald's got in trouble, I think, with that too.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, these managers took way advantage of the young kids over there, but it was all young kids working there. So I guess, to be fair to them, what else they. Well, they didn't have anything else. They paid him cheap money. They paid us cheap money, and they worked us to death. And we loved every minute of it. We were having a ball. We were having a ball. So we decided that what we would do is just stay up all night, smoke cigarettes, go to the Waffle House. The Taco bell was open 24 hours across the street. And we ran to the local BP and we got a box of no doughs. Came with, like, 12 of them. And Terry and I each took four of them at one time.

[Joy Hoadley]

Oh, God.

[Chris Hoadley]

Even though it said take one every four hours, we took four every one hour. Yeah, that's right. And the state of mind that the two of us were in by the time that shift rolled around caused the only manager who needed at least three people to open up the store to send us directly home. Do not pass go. We were not allowed to be on that ship. She knew, because we were, like, twitching. Our eyes were like Cheshire cats, probably pale as a ghost.

[Joy Hoadley]

Sweating.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, I was sweating. I'm like, big sweat stains.

[Joy Hoadley]

Oh, God.

[Chris Hoadley]

You know, flop sweat everywhere. I think it was the middle of the winter, too, like, flop sweat. And I was, like, smoking.

[Joy Hoadley]

Chain smoking.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, my God. Chain smoking. Holy shit. I came in with three cigarettes lit. I Was like. Because back then you could smoke while you were opening up the store. It was not unusual. It was the most intensely, I mean, I had. Now I've done that many times since. I mean, I've had that feeling a number of times, but I know that feeling now. I know what it is. It's strung the fuck out, out. You are way high, your body's not handling it well. You are sick, you're physically ill, and you just need to shut down. I do remember specifically about this day that I called my dad to come pick me up because I didn't drive at the time. And my dad came and picked me up and he's like, why are we doing. I thought you were opening the store. It's like 4:45 in the morning. He's like, why are we doing this? I thought you were opening the store. And I'm like, oh, she sent us home. And he's like, are you all right? And I'm like, I, I, I, I.

[Joy Hoadley]

Oh God, your dad.

[Chris Hoadley]

I rolled in that bed for a day. I just rolled in my bed just trying to get some sleep. Rolling and rolling and rolling. It was the most awful feeling.

[Joy Hoadley]

That sounds terrible.

[Chris Hoadley]

And now I go to Starbucks and chase that every fucking morning. Now the cups of coffee are just as strong. But this is. But like, you know, to be that kid again and not understand that what I'm buying at the gas station cannot be dangerous. That was our assumption.

[Joy Hoadley]

Well, right. It's just legal. And you can buy it.

[Chris Hoadley]

It's legal. You can buy it. It'll be fun. We'll all have a good time. Don't worry about it. Holy shit, my eyes are gonna bleed. How many more cigarettes can we smoke? I think I'm gonna throw up. I don't want this taco salad. It doesn't taste good to me.

[Joy Hoadley]

Oh yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh God. Oh, Chrissy. What a. Just an awful feeling. That is awful feeling. And to think I would repeat that so many times in my life on purpose. Like I knew what was coming. And yet I do it. One more line, one more bump, one more line, one more bump until it's 9:30 at night. The following day.

[Joy Hoadley]

The following day.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, yeah. These kids, they. They're faced with some difficult choices and limited information and I just. It, you know. Hey, listen, I'm not saying we should outlaw it. I'm saying people should know. I guess that's part of the reason why I want to share because I know how many kids listen to our show, right? Actually, I do know a couple kids listen to our.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, no, that's scary. You're right. If you had access to something that's legal and you think it's safe.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Joy Hoadley]

I mean, you think it's okay.

[Chris Hoadley]

That's what you assume.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

You assume it's okay based on the fact that it's easily accessible, that you can buy it, you can transact it with your credit card over the counter in a store where, you know, there's not, like, police officers guarding the door. It's not like you're gonna get arrested.

[Joy Hoadley]

You're not having to call some drug dealer guy.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, yeah, that's it. You're not shopping. You're shopping at Kroger. Who can't? Okay. Okay. It can't be that dangerous for me. Sure. And then, you know, you're buying in bulk at Sam's since, like, I need 30 of them. I watch this terrible story about this.

[Joy Hoadley]

Kids, be careful.

[Chris Hoadley]

Kids, be careful. Call Brian. He'll tell you all the bad news about all the things.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, he lived it.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, we make fun of it here, but there is definitely. And while I may seem like a glamorous high lifestyle, you know, fast cars, loose women, fun drugs kind of guy. Yeah. It's not all shits and giggles at the top, kids. It's yawning, yachting, snorkeling, parasailing, which I will never do, by the way. Space ocean classes that include science and parasailing. How many videos I've seen. I don't know. I don't know.

[Joy Hoadley]

My algorithm one time.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, fuck that.

[Joy Hoadley]

Younger. Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

How many videos I've seen In the last 14 days of people just practically dying? Parasailing. That's some dumb shit. I'm never doing it again. Never doing it.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

I can't. I think I did it once. I want to say that I did it once.

[Joy Hoadley]

But, yeah, I did it when I was, like, 16 or 17. At the beach.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, that's when you do it when.

[Joy Hoadley]

You'Re 16 or 17 at the beach.

[Chris Hoadley]

But that's these videos, too. And then all of a sudden, it comes unhooked and they're like, oh, God, they're flying into the side of a mountain or. Or the. You know, the rope gets wrapped around their leg and they're being yanked around. It's all scary and it's unregulated. Who's doing that? Bob with the boat. Bob with a string and a parachute.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, it was. He just had a boat and the parachute.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, that's it. Bob's Parish. Bob's Parasailing. Painted on the side of his boat. Meanwhile, he's probably on seven. Oh, right. Just driving people around. Have fun, kids. And they got like a. It's like a fishing line. They're just reeling you out back and then hoping they can bring you back. It's all very scary. The world's full of. The world's scary.

[Joy Hoadley]

The world is scary. And so is the ocean.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, the ocean is the. To me, I can't figure out if space or the ocean is more scary. I keep on thinking about that Titan submersible.

[Joy Hoadley]

Oh, God.

[Chris Hoadley]

What? What would ever lead those people to believe that was a good idea? Yeah, it was a fucking Tic Tac. It looked like a Tic Tac. It didn't even look constructed properly.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I mean, watching that documentary, it did make you realize all of a sudden, like, whoa, whoa. They just ignored all of these things that were bad.

[Chris Hoadley]

Stockton knew nothing about nothing. He ignored it all. He thought he had it figured out, but meanwhile they were like, literally had to. Like the people who weren't going on that particular particular trip had to screw on the top.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

And what would happen if you needed to get out? I don't know. But I mean, to be fair, I don't know how you get out of James Cameron's envelope either. Like, if something goes wrong, I think you're there too, but I don't know that some. That thing seems much more like the craftsmanship on James Cameron's ship.

[Joy Hoadley]

Well, he's got the money.

[Chris Hoadley]

Yeah, so the funny thing is, so did Stockton.

[Joy Hoadley]

Wow, that's true.

[Chris Hoadley]

He was so well kept, connected with all this money and power and he was just chasing, I don't know, chasing a dream, I guess. Who can blame him? We're not going to the ocean, kids. Commercial break. Staying right dry land here. That's right. Are you watching the Summer I Turn Pretty?

[Joy Hoadley]

Unless. No, I'm not.

[Chris Hoadley]

Okay.

[Joy Hoadley]

Did you want me to?

[Chris Hoadley]

I. I started watching. I started watching. I got it hooked. I got. I got for. He'll do.

[Joy Hoadley]

I'm afraid I will get hooked and that's why.

[Chris Hoadley]

Oh, you will? Oh, you'll be there. It's a teenage love triangle. Who doesn't want to watch that?

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, who doesn't?

[Chris Hoadley]

90 Day Fiance got boring, so now I'm watching the summer. Ah, what's going on? Tlc. Gotta get back to your roots. Crazy people who don't look all that crazy. Crazy at first. Right now it's just crazy people who look crazy from the beginning.

[Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Chris Hoadley]

And it's all actors and actresses. I know 212-4333 tcb212433, 3822 text us questions comments concerns content ideas tcbpodcast.com for your free sticker at the commercial break on Instagram and YouTube.com they commercial break for all the episodes on video the same day they air here on on the audio. Yeah, I don't know what else to say. All right. That's all I can do.

[Joy Hoadley]

I think so.

[Chris Hoadley]

I love you.

[Joy Hoadley]

I love you.

[Chris Hoadley]

Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say we do say and we must say goodbye.

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[Chris Hoadley]

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