The Commercial Break – “Swing Set Suit!”
Episode Date: September 5, 2025
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley
Podcast Description: Improv-comedy, interview, and variety podcast blending chaos, irreverence, and pop culture, hosted by longtime best friends Bryan and Krissy.
Overview:
This episode of The Commercial Break is a hilariously meandering, water-themed adventure in classic TCB style. Bryan and Krissy dive into tales of maritime mishaps, deep-sea diving dangers, terrifying creatures of the ocean and everyday lakes, family party disasters, and a scathing (yet comically self-aware) update on Olympian Ryan Lochte’s latest tabloid exploits. The hosts bring their signature blend of sarcastic banter, relatable anecdotes, and a dash of public-service-style caution about drugs marketed as “legal highs.” As always, the episode serves up chaos, wisdom, laughs, and plenty of side-tangents.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Maritime Mishaps and Yacht Catastrophes
- [05:59-07:38] Krissy shares a viral video of a million-dollar yacht launching—only to capsize immediately, leaving its owner and captain to swim ashore.
- Bryan discusses yacht insurance and reveals his uncle as a leading maritime law expert, explaining the complexities of how insurance deals with piracy, hijacking, and maritime disasters.
- “International maritime law...is only as good as the people who agree to adhere to it. I’m sure there’s a lot of loosey goosey bullshit that goes on in international maritime law.” – Bryan [09:03]
- Tangents about modern piracy: Not just a “Pirates of the Caribbean” thing; real pirates still exist, from Africa’s Horn to dinghy thieves in Florida.
2. Life on Floating Workplaces: Offshore Oil Rigs and Decompression Divers
- [10:16-18:35] Krissy and Bryan swap stories about people working weeks or months on oil rigs, making big money for grueling, dangerous jobs.
- Bryan explains the extreme dangers faced by deep-sea decompression divers who weld and repair underwater cables and pipes for months inside pressurized chambers, referencing a real-life documentary and Netflix film, “Last Breath.”
- Notable story: A diver’s umbilical cord snaps, leaving him with only 29 minutes of oxygen—yet he survives over 40 minutes underwater until being rescued.
- “Miraculously, after like 15, 20 minutes, he pops his eyes open—no brain damage, no nada. The guy, like, comes back.” – Bryan [17:58]
3. Terror & Wonder of the Deep Sea
- [18:35-27:20]
- Krissy talks about marble slabs quarried below the ocean, and the duo marvel at the sheer strangeness and danger of the ocean’s depths.
- James Cameron’s Mariana Trench adventures and Jacques Cousteau hero-worship—interspersed with jokes about scientific fear and marine biology.
- The conversation underscores the idea that there are millions of undiscovered species underwater.
- “There are literally millions of species...living under our feet, under the water that we have never discovered, we have yet to discover or name or study...and that, to me, is insanity.” – Bryan [21:27]
- Bryan’s verdict: He’d rather face sharks than microscopic lake monsters, referencing stories of bacteria and flesh-eating diseases in lakes versus the open ocean.
- “While the ocean has big scary creatures, the lake has tiny microscopic creatures that can eat your ears. Flesh-eating bacteria...all of a sudden your penis looks like a purple balloon.” – Bryan [25:51]
4. Family Disasters: Yacht Stains and Broken Sculptures
- [31:19-36:38]
- Bryan recalls his children’s accidental grape juice spill on a pristine yacht and a subsequent visit to Miami where a prized Venezuelan sculpture is broken.
- With both embarrassing and endearing family moments, the anecdote highlights his relatives’ generous spirit and the fraught, funny politics of taking responsibility for accidents in fancy homes.
5. Good-Natured Show-Offs: Luxury Cars & Sharing the Wealth
- [36:44-39:13]
- More tales of generous (and slightly reckless) friends and relatives who trust Bryan and Krissy (or their dads) with luxury cars, including a Miami Mercedes and an Aston Martin James Bond moment.
- “When someone else hands you a vehicle like that, you are sure to be very careful—or you’re just a fucking idiot with it.” – Bryan [39:05]
6. Ryan Lochte: An Olympian’s Not-So-Golden Years
- [39:13-48:36]
- The notorious swimmer’s legacy is humorously dissected: Olympic medals, a failed reality show, and very public missteps (literally and figuratively).
- Focus lands on his recent divorce and allegations (which Lochte awkwardly confirms) that he has a serious nitrous oxide (laughing gas) addiction, leading to risky behavior—even in his own home around his kids.
- “He was the bad boy in general of all Olympians for the United States...but he could barely form sentences, and he never seemed to stay out of trouble.” – Bryan [41:16]
- On Lochte’s half-baked defense video: “I couldn’t think of a more dumb thing he could have said in that moment...You were doing it in the house where your children lived, but you weren’t doing it around the children. Dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” – Bryan [46:29]
7. The Cautionary PSA: “Legal” Drugs, 7-OH, and Kratom
- [49:00-57:57]
- Bryan provides a crash course on opiate addiction, the rise of the herbal supplement kratom, and the new, extremely potent synthetic derived from it: 7-OH (7-hydroxymitragynine).
- The problem? It’s dangerously addictive, stronger than heroin or fentanyl, yet sold in gas stations and delis as sodas, shots, and powders with little regulation.
- “It is by a magnitude more powerful than any other opiate known to man...and it is ruining people’s lives.” – Bryan [55:00]
8. Teen Drug Dangers: Personal Anecdotes & Old-School “Legal Highs”
- [60:41-66:07]
- Throwback story: Bryan and a friend OD on NoDoz caffeine pills during their teenage McDonald’s days, thinking you couldn’t get hurt by something bought in a gas station.
- “It’s legal, you can buy it, it’ll be fun, we’ll all have a good time. Don’t worry about it—holy shit, my eyes are gonna bleed.” – Bryan [64:21]
- Message to younger listeners: Just because it’s legal and sold over the counter does NOT mean it’s safe.
9. Never Going Parasailing (Again)
- [66:43-67:55]
- The hosts agree that the only thing scarier than the ocean is getting strapped to a parasail by “Bob with a boat and a fishing line,” referencing viral videos of regular people barely surviving these “adventures.”
- “Who’s doing that? Bob with the boat. Bob with a string and a parachute…meanwhile, he’s probably on 7-OH.” – Bryan [67:26]
10. Quick Pop Culture Dip: Summer Shows and 90 Day Fiance
- [68:59-69:55]
- Bryan admits to watching “The Summer I Turned Pretty” and laments that “90 Day Fiance” is now full of people “who look crazy from the beginning.” Classic TCB, jumping from deep warnings to reality TV in seconds.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- “International maritime law...is only as good as the people who agree to adhere to it. I’m sure there’s a lot of loosey goosey bullshit that goes on.”
– Bryan [09:03] - “There are literally millions of species...under the water that we have never discovered...and that, to me, is insanity.”
– Bryan [21:27] - “While the ocean has big scary creatures, the lake has tiny microscopic creatures that can eat your ears. Flesh-eating bacteria...”
– Bryan [25:51] - On Ryan Lochte:
“He was the bad boy in general of all Olympians for the United States...but he could barely form sentences, and he never seemed to stay out of trouble.”
– Bryan [41:16] - Lochte’s defense video:
“Dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard... The children live in the house, therefore you are around the children.”
– Bryan [46:29] - PSA style:
“Just because it’s legal and sold over the counter does NOT mean it’s safe.”
– Bryan [65:30]
Timestamps for Major Segments
- Yacht Gone Wrong & Maritime Law: [05:59–09:12]
- Piracy, Oil Rigs, and Decompression Divers: [09:12–18:35]
- Deep Sea Dangers & Species Talk: [18:35–22:19]
- Lake vs. Ocean Dread: [25:17–27:19]
- Family Mishaps with Art & Yachts: [31:19–36:38]
- Luxury Cars & Generosity: [36:44–39:13]
- Ryan Lochte’s Nitrous Scandal: [39:13–48:36]
- 7-OH and Kratom PSA: [49:00–57:57]
- Drugstore Dangers/NoDoz Teen Story: [60:41–66:07]
- Parasailing Fears: [66:43–67:55]
Tone & Style
Casually conversational, irreverent, often explicit, full of well-timed sarcasm and teasing. The rapport between Bryan and Krissy is seasoned by decades of friendship and mutual ribbing.
Summary / For New Listeners
This episode of The Commercial Break will make you laugh, wince, and maybe re-think your lake-swimming or “herbal” gas station drink adventures. It’s a spirited journey through family faux pas, maritime disasters, Olympic downfalls, and the wild jungle of “almost-legal” highs—all delivered with a big “just FINE” comedic shrug. If you want an hour of laughter, nervous nodding, and the occasional nugget of life advice wrapped in jokes, this one’s for you.
Listen for: Deep-sea horror stories, Bryan’s unifying field theory of bad party accidents, how not to parent like an Olympian, and why you shouldn’t trust Bob’s Parasailing (or any product with a number in the title from a gas station).