The Commercial Break — "Tales From The Crypt" (August 14, 2024)
Hosts: Brian Green & Kristen Joy Hoadley
Summary by: A silly chat bot (wah-bam! Best to you, cats & kittens!)

Episode Overview

This episode is a classic slice of TCB: rambunctious improvisational comedy with Brian and Krissy riffing on the recently concluded Olympics, breakdancing mishaps, celebrity sightings, and the ongoing sagas with aging parents and anxious pets. Expect candid, sometimes dark, always lighthearted banter—kicking nostalgia for wild family tales and a “we’re all just getting older” sense of chaos.

Key Discussion Points

1. Post-Olympics Blues & Ray Gun, the Breakdancer

• Brian and Krissy are coping with the loss of 24/7 Olympic content.
• Brian becomes obsessed with the “breakdancing fails” of Australia’s Ray Gun, who scored zero points but won the hearts of viewers and comedians everywhere.
  • [03:19] Brian: “If you want to see what it's like to have sex with Brian, go watch Ray Gun... And that's what it's like to have sex with Brian. I think I’m some smooth lovemaker. And everybody else is like, why is he flopping around like that?”
  • [06:15] Brian: “Ray Gun is a professor of breakdance studies at the University of Australia... She’s in her 30s, she’s twice the age of most of the competitors, and she looked it. It looked like she was avoiding breaking a hip.”
• Krissy points out that Ray Gun offered some comedic relief amidst high-stakes Olympics.

2. Olympics Recap — The Highlights and Weirdness

• Both hosts agree the Paris Olympics lived up to the hype, but closing ceremonies were... odd.
• Notable moments:
  • Noah Lyles allegedly racing with COVID-19 ([08:59] Brian: “When you’re cocky and you win, there’s not much to say. Right. When you’re cocky and you lose, then you’re just a dick.”)
  • Tom Cruise’s secret yet over-the-top stunt at the closing.
    • [13:05] Brian: “Tom Cruise comes rappelling down... But everyone else had been rappelling all night! So it lost its luster a little bit.”
    • Red Hot Chili Peppers and Snoop Dogg performed for the LA Olympics teaser.
  • Online controversies over the “satanic, hypersexual” French ceremonies—hosts mostly roll their eyes at these complaints.
• Snoop Dogg gets big praise for his commentary and omnipresence.
  • [17:59] Brian: “Congratulations to Snoop Dogg for being the only human in Olympic history to make it to every single fucking event.”

3. Family Saga: Brian’s Mom, QVC Addiction & Rehab Hijinks

• Brian and Krissy swap tales of caring for aging parents, especially Brian’s mom’s recovery from a surgery after a bad fall and her legendary love of QVC.
  • [22:53] Brian: “My mom is... She’s addicted to it. She cannot stop. Even went so far as to password-protect it—‘1234.’”
  • [24:32] Victoria Green (Brian’s impression): “Hi, it’s Vicki Green. Oh, hi, Vic. How are you? ... I think I want to get 12 pairs of those snow boots. I don’t know what size he wears. So just send me 1 through 13.”
• Hilarious anecdotes about her hoarding, failed intentions to return items, and bartering clothes for snacks in her rehab facility.
  • [30:47] Brian: “So what she's doing is, she's trading clothes for Snickers bars. This is a full-on Sing-Sing over there... Mom, stop it. Oh, yeah, it's a terrible situation.”
• The nightmare of moving his mom back to a senior living center, featuring elevator showdowns and the politics of residents (“Oh, Vicky. I remember her…”).

4. Dog Drama: Blue, Anxiety, and Barking Solutions Gone Wrong

• The saga with Brian’s “insane” dog Blue, her extreme barking, and failed attempts at calming her, including CBD oil, electric collars, and even considering a dog whistle device.
  • [41:58] Brian: “This dog is so irritating that one of the world-renowned dog trainers decided to drag her by the leash in the air... I live with it!”
  • [45:53] Brian: “She is literally barking at nothing. Nothing.”
  • [47:23] Krissy: “It seems to be doing the opposite effect.”
• The comedy of errors with solutions: sprays, clickers, and every version of “miracle cure” for dog anxiety, none of which work for Blue.
  • [48:31] Brian: “She would bark to get the spray in her mouth... She would bark and then lick it off the floor.”
• Blue’s growing legend: Brian’s child’s first words were “Blue out!” and “Blue quiet!”
• Brian pleads for reasonable suggestions for anxious dog management, but draws the line at anything “kooky” like dog massage.

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• [01:09] Krissy: “Best to you, Brian.” (Signature TCB greeting)
• [03:19] Brian: “If you want to see what it's like to have sex with Brian, go watch Ray Gun.”
• [06:39] Brian: “She’s in her 30s... It looked like she was avoiding breaking a hip.”
• [08:59] Brian: “When you’re cocky and you win, then there’s not much to say. Right. When you’re cocky and you lose, then you’re just a dick.”
• [13:05] Brian: “So the flame guy can do it all, dressed as the apocalyptic, the seven Horsemen of death or whatever that is. So could Tom Cruise. Maybe he’s the third horseman of death.”
• [17:59] Brian: “Congratulations to Snoop Dogg for being the only human in Olympic history to make it to every single fucking event.”
• [22:53] Brian: “My mom is... She’s addicted to it. She cannot stop.”
• [24:32] Victoria (Brian's impression): “I think I want to get 12 pairs of those snow boots. …I’ll return the rest.”
• [30:47] Brian: “So what she’s doing is, she’s trading clothes for Snickers bars. This is a full-on Sing-Sing over there.”
• [36:43] Brian: “Mexican standoff. …He goes, ‘You didn’t really try.’ …Can you just back it up a little bit? …‘Why do I gotta be inconvenienced?’”
• [41:58] Brian: “This dog is so irritating... I live with it!”
• [45:53] Brian: “She is literally barking at nothing. Nothing.”
• [50:16] Krissy: “Problem. Out of courtesy."
• [51:04] Brian: “My mom has spent $150,000 on QVC... I’ve spent $150,000 on devices to stop my dog from barking, and not one has worked for more than 15 minutes.”

Other Memorable Tangents

• Schtick about “the big dick pole vault guy.”
• Flavor Flav’s alleged rescue of Red Lobster.
• Brian’s dad-style gripes about bad elevators and senior citizen politics.
• Comedian’s promo for upcoming live shows in Florida with more asides about Blue.
• Ongoing self-deprecating humor about podcast fame:
  • [17:23] Krissy: “I’m being positive. Maybe in four years we’ll have doubled our audience size to 38.”

Important Segments & Timestamps

• 00:00–06:39 — Olympics breakdown, Ray Gun saga
• 09:30–16:59 — Olympic closing & celebrity shenanigans
• 20:17–26:02 — QVC addiction, Brian’s family health fiascoes
• 27:01–31:39 — Rehab exit, moving drama, elevator stand-off
• 41:58–51:04 — Blue the dog: anxiety, failed solutions, comic relief

Tone & Style

Fast, improvisational, irreverent, and self-aware—Brian and Krissy embrace the chaos and ridiculousness of life and aging, freely mixing pop culture, personal anecdotes, and listener-friendly in-jokes. The episode is brimming with tangents and lived-in chemistry.

TL;DR:

If you love comedic takes on everyday struggles, absurd Olympics commentary, and real talk about the perils of aging (in both people and pets), this episode is classic TCB—with just enough darkness to keep it funny, and enough goofiness to make you want more.

Wah-bam! Best to you out there in the podcast universe!