Tales From The Crypt

Summary

The Commercial Break — "Tales From The Crypt" (August 14, 2024)
Hosts: Brian Green & Kristen Joy Hoadley
Summary by: A silly chat bot (wah-bam! Best to you, cats & kittens!)

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Episode Overview

This episode is a classic slice of TCB: rambunctious improvisational comedy with Brian and Krissy riffing on the recently concluded Olympics, breakdancing mishaps, celebrity sightings, and the ongoing sagas with aging parents and anxious pets. Expect candid, sometimes dark, always lighthearted banter—kicking nostalgia for wild family tales and a “we’re all just getting older” sense of chaos.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Post-Olympics Blues & Ray Gun, the Breakdancer

• Brian and Krissy are coping with the loss of 24/7 Olympic content.
• Brian becomes obsessed with the “breakdancing fails” of Australia’s Ray Gun, who scored zero points but won the hearts of viewers and comedians everywhere.
  • [03:19] Brian: “If you want to see what it's like to have sex with Brian, go watch Ray Gun... And that's what it's like to have sex with Brian. I think I’m some smooth lovemaker. And everybody else is like, why is he flopping around like that?”
  • [06:15] Brian: “Ray Gun is a professor of breakdance studies at the University of Australia... She’s in her 30s, she’s twice the age of most of the competitors, and she looked it. It looked like she was avoiding breaking a hip.”
• Krissy points out that Ray Gun offered some comedic relief amidst high-stakes Olympics.

2. Olympics Recap — The Highlights and Weirdness

• Both hosts agree the Paris Olympics lived up to the hype, but closing ceremonies were... odd.
• Notable moments:
  • Noah Lyles allegedly racing with COVID-19 ([08:59] Brian: “When you’re cocky and you win, there’s not much to say. Right. When you’re cocky and you lose, then you’re just a dick.”)
  • Tom Cruise’s secret yet over-the-top stunt at the closing.
    • [13:05] Brian: “Tom Cruise comes rappelling down... But everyone else had been rappelling all night! So it lost its luster a little bit.”
    • Red Hot Chili Peppers and Snoop Dogg performed for the LA Olympics teaser.
  • Online controversies over the “satanic, hypersexual” French ceremonies—hosts mostly roll their eyes at these complaints.
• Snoop Dogg gets big praise for his commentary and omnipresence.
  • [17:59] Brian: “Congratulations to Snoop Dogg for being the only human in Olympic history to make it to every single fucking event.”

3. Family Saga: Brian’s Mom, QVC Addiction & Rehab Hijinks

• Brian and Krissy swap tales of caring for aging parents, especially Brian’s mom’s recovery from a surgery after a bad fall and her legendary love of QVC.
  • [22:53] Brian: “My mom is... She’s addicted to it. She cannot stop. Even went so far as to password-protect it—‘1234.’”
  • [24:32] Victoria Green (Brian’s impression): “Hi, it’s Vicki Green. Oh, hi, Vic. How are you? ... I think I want to get 12 pairs of those snow boots. I don’t know what size he wears. So just send me 1 through 13.”
• Hilarious anecdotes about her hoarding, failed intentions to return items, and bartering clothes for snacks in her rehab facility.
  • [30:47] Brian: “So what she's doing is, she's trading clothes for Snickers bars. This is a full-on Sing-Sing over there... Mom, stop it. Oh, yeah, it's a terrible situation.”
• The nightmare of moving his mom back to a senior living center, featuring elevator showdowns and the politics of residents (“Oh, Vicky. I remember her…”).

4. Dog Drama: Blue, Anxiety, and Barking Solutions Gone Wrong

• The saga with Brian’s “insane” dog Blue, her extreme barking, and failed attempts at calming her, including CBD oil, electric collars, and even considering a dog whistle device.
  • [41:58] Brian: “This dog is so irritating that one of the world-renowned dog trainers decided to drag her by the leash in the air... I live with it!”
  • [45:53] Brian: “She is literally barking at nothing. Nothing.”
  • [47:23] Krissy: “It seems to be doing the opposite effect.”
• The comedy of errors with solutions: sprays, clickers, and every version of “miracle cure” for dog anxiety, none of which work for Blue.
  • [48:31] Brian: “She would bark to get the spray in her mouth... She would bark and then lick it off the floor.”
• Blue’s growing legend: Brian’s child’s first words were “Blue out!” and “Blue quiet!”
• Brian pleads for reasonable suggestions for anxious dog management, but draws the line at anything “kooky” like dog massage.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• [01:09] Krissy: “Best to you, Brian.” (Signature TCB greeting)
• [03:19] Brian: “If you want to see what it's like to have sex with Brian, go watch Ray Gun.”
• [06:39] Brian: “She’s in her 30s... It looked like she was avoiding breaking a hip.”
• [08:59] Brian: “When you’re cocky and you win, then there’s not much to say. Right. When you’re cocky and you lose, then you’re just a dick.”
• [13:05] Brian: “So the flame guy can do it all, dressed as the apocalyptic, the seven Horsemen of death or whatever that is. So could Tom Cruise. Maybe he’s the third horseman of death.”
• [17:59] Brian: “Congratulations to Snoop Dogg for being the only human in Olympic history to make it to every single fucking event.”
• [22:53] Brian: “My mom is... She’s addicted to it. She cannot stop.”
• [24:32] Victoria (Brian's impression): “I think I want to get 12 pairs of those snow boots. …I’ll return the rest.”
• [30:47] Brian: “So what she’s doing is, she’s trading clothes for Snickers bars. This is a full-on Sing-Sing over there.”
• [36:43] Brian: “Mexican standoff. …He goes, ‘You didn’t really try.’ …Can you just back it up a little bit? …‘Why do I gotta be inconvenienced?’”
• [41:58] Brian: “This dog is so irritating... I live with it!”
• [45:53] Brian: “She is literally barking at nothing. Nothing.”
• [50:16] Krissy: “Problem. Out of courtesy."
• [51:04] Brian: “My mom has spent $150,000 on QVC... I’ve spent $150,000 on devices to stop my dog from barking, and not one has worked for more than 15 minutes.”

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Other Memorable Tangents

• Schtick about “the big dick pole vault guy.”
• Flavor Flav’s alleged rescue of Red Lobster.
• Brian’s dad-style gripes about bad elevators and senior citizen politics.
• Comedian’s promo for upcoming live shows in Florida with more asides about Blue.
• Ongoing self-deprecating humor about podcast fame:
  • [17:23] Krissy: “I’m being positive. Maybe in four years we’ll have doubled our audience size to 38.”

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• 00:00–06:39 — Olympics breakdown, Ray Gun saga
• 09:30–16:59 — Olympic closing & celebrity shenanigans
• 20:17–26:02 — QVC addiction, Brian’s family health fiascoes
• 27:01–31:39 — Rehab exit, moving drama, elevator stand-off
• 41:58–51:04 — Blue the dog: anxiety, failed solutions, comic relief

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Tone & Style

Fast, improvisational, irreverent, and self-aware—Brian and Krissy embrace the chaos and ridiculousness of life and aging, freely mixing pop culture, personal anecdotes, and listener-friendly in-jokes. The episode is brimming with tangents and lived-in chemistry.

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TL;DR:

If you love comedic takes on everyday struggles, absurd Olympics commentary, and real talk about the perils of aging (in both people and pets), this episode is classic TCB—with just enough darkness to keep it funny, and enough goofiness to make you want more.

Wah-bam! Best to you out there in the podcast universe!

Transcript

[Brian Green]

Like in my 30s is where I really started to come to terms with who the fuck I actually was and more importantly, who's wronged me. That's when I knew I was grown. On this episode of the commercial break, I'm taking multiple trips, multiple trips. We're talking like 40 trips up and down, up and down, trying to get in this elevator. Up. It got to one point when the cart was empty, I would just lug it down the stairs because I was getting sick of waiting for the elevator that is as slow as some of the people in the facility. I'm like, you don't have to match the speed of the people who live here. You can actually go. The problem is. I know, yeah, it's terrible. It's terrible. And I know I'm not too far off from one of these places, too. So I'm kind of depressed because I'm like, jesus, just put me out of my misery. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and co host of this show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Best to you, Brian.

[Brian Green]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Well, it's a little bit of sadness in my heart today. I feel a little bereft because I don't have any Olympics. Any Olympics.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know, I know. We're just fresh off the closing ceremony.

[Brian Green]

What will we do?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know.

[Brian Green]

What will we do?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It was always on all the time. You can always flip it on there. I learned so much, too, about so many sports I didn't know were a sport much less worthy of the Olympics.

[Brian Green]

Well, let's be honest about it. I think we learned that some sports aren't sports in the Olympics for a reason and may not make it back to la. Let's talk about it all. Let's just get it out of our system, and that way we can move on with life and. And we'll talk about it four years from now on episode number 12,622. Well, first of all, I do have to say that I think, you know, I thought the big dick guy was gonna be the. The guy of the year. You know, we were all gonna be talking about the big dick guy forever until I saw the Australian breakdancer known as Ray Gun, and I got completely obsessed.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That was hilarious.

[Brian Green]

Completely obsessed. What in the good was that? If you have not seen Ray Gun, the Australian breakdancer, you must immediately put down this episode and go on Instagram or whichever social media of choice and search Reagan and you will find tens of thousands.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Green]

It's gonna be videos. And there's. She got a zero. A zero. I think she got a zero. She got no points scored because I don't know exactly what she was doing. She was hopping around like a bunny.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And then flopping around on the floor, apparently.

[Brian Green]

Listen, I. I have to say this right out the git so that I. So that I'm not misunderstood. Making it to the Olympics is one of the hardest things a human being can ever do. Regardless of how terrible your performance is at the Olympics, getting there is a huge accomplishment. And just being on, you know, the world stage. The world stage is something that I can only dream of. My body was not built for the Olympics. It was barely built for.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

For normal life.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. If I didn't have this mouth, I might not be human. I just might be like sludge. I don't know. I'm surprised I have so many children. I'm surprised my body works below my mouth, quite frankly. If you want to see what it's like to have sex with Brian, go watch Ray Gun. And that's what it's like to have sex with Brian. I think I'm some smooth lovemaker. And everybody else is like, why is he flopping around like that? What is that? Even my daughter agrees. I know. She's running around outside the door screaming at me. She's like, why did you put me on this earth? No. Put me back in the tomb and the womb. The tube. No, the tube. This Ray Gun, man, she is a piece of work. Yeah. Here is the most amazing fact that you will learn. Ray Gun is the Australian break dancer who got zero points. Because she, quite frankly, did. It was almost comical. I think at first I thought this was like a Saturday Night Live.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

I thought somebody was playing a joke on the Internet. I thought, someone's trolling. This is really funny. Good job. A plus Internet. But it wasn't. I then went to Peacock and watched the performance.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And it was more disturbing than I could have ever imagined. And disturbing in the most hilarious way, quite frankly. It made me laugh out loud. And that in that I thought she did something. She did. She'll be recognized for something.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Comedic relief.

[Brian Green]

She did. She flopped around on that floor like. I don't know, like a chicken legs got off or something. I don't know. She did that bunny hop into that and then she flopped on the floor.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Like parts of it seemed real and then parts of it seemed a joke.

[Brian Green]

Oh, I don't know. I. I thought the whole thing, I mean, if you watch the other competitors, then you realize that there was something there she was trying to put together.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

The break dancing wasn't what I expected.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know. I was so excited about it and.

[Brian Green]

It wasn't what I expected was.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, me either.

[Brian Green]

I thought we're talking real B boys on the cardboard. You know, head spins. You know, I used to do that when they on their back, like the back row. I can't remember what you call it, but like the back roll used to slide and then roll yourself on your back. I would. That was the one move that I knew how to do as a small child. But the B boys of the 80s, they were like bad ass, man. They would kick it and clock it and crank it and all that other stuff. And I thought we were going to see like real street ass be.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And I guess that's what it is now.

[Brian Green]

Yes, it is morphed into flopping on the floor like a golden doodle. But listen, all credit where credit is deserved, okay? It was break awareness. She was the highlight for sure. She was the highlight. It brought awareness and she's gotten more attention than the guy with the 60 inch schlong. So in that sense, I think she's accomplished whatever it is she's accomplished. Here's the most amazing fact about Ray Gun. Ray Gun is a professor of breakdance studies at the University of Australia.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

She is like a certified expert on this subject.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

She's in her 30s. She is twice the age of most of the other competitors. And she looked at. And I mean, I don't not like in her face like on the, on the dance floor. She looked at, it looked like she was avoiding breaking a hip is what it looked like. It looked like what? What? It was what I would imagine my mom to look like if she was to break dance. This was amazing. And I am absolutely obsessed. And I hope somewhere the gods are smiling on Ray Gun and she gets like a reality show or we see her in other competitions. Like, all of a sudden ESPN starts picking up the Australian breakdancing competitions so we can see more of Rayon. Rayon, do not go away, girl. You got to stay here and make us smile. That is the best shit I have ever seen. And I applaud you for your efforts, for your time, for your accomplishments. And I applaud you for the goofy ass performance that you did because it brought a smile to the entire Internet. It was awesome. It was just awesome. So, yeah, that's the Olympic gold for me is Ray Gun. Good job, Ray Gun. Good job. So Ray Gun was there then, you know, lots of controversy around. No. Noah Lyles, who Perf. Who did the. He raced while having Covid and forgot to tell everybody. I thought that was a little shitty, actually. Like, I mean. Okay, listen, I'm not. I'm not. Covid hysterical right now. Everyone's getting it. Everyone's got it. I don't even test for it anymore because. Okay, if I got. What am I going to do? Am I going to.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, I was, like, a little while back, and I was for sure that I had Covid, but the test said negative.

[Brian Green]

I've tested once for Covid, the last year probably, and I. And it came back negative.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

But, you know, it's going around, and it's gonna be part of our.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The thing is that it can affect different people different ways.

[Brian Green]

Sure.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

So, yeah, to have it and be.

[Brian Green]

Not tell people, you know, and then there's other, like, athletes at the top of their performance game. And obviously, if you just watched Noah, then you saw that he barely made it to the finish line. They had to wheel him out in a wheelchair. So he obviously was being affected by this sickness. I love Noah, and, you know, he's a cocky guy, but he's got the legs to back it up. So when you're cocky and you win, then there's not much to say. Right. When you're cocky and you lose, then you're just a dick. Yeah. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

There's a difference between confidence and cockiness.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. So I got to say, you know, great. Noah's awesome, but I don't know about that move of just not letting anybody know you have COVID 19 until they actually drag you off the fucking track.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

So you almost die.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. You almost die running the 200 meter or whatever it was. So I do have to say that the last couple days of the Olympics feel a little. They're still great sports on, but it feels a little sad to me. It's like, oh, it's all wrapping up. And here's the other stuff that.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

True.

[Brian Green]

I didn't watch any of the weightlifting or any of that stuff. I. I'll get to it. It's on Peacock. But then you got to watch those closing ceremonies.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay. Of course.

[Brian Green]

Opening ceremonies in incredibly weird and awesome closing ceremonies. Incredibly weird and not as awesome. Yeah. I do have to say I'm. I'm with. I'm with the group that's saying that was just kind of strange. It was. What was that all.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, I was listening to what they were saying too, as they were doing. Like there was some kind of reference of the wheeling out of the recovering of the Olympic rings that then were put together. Okay, okay. Why do they need to be recovered from ancient times? Because they were lost from back when they were very first started to then when they were revived like back in 1913 or something like that. So it was like a revival of that. So I got the general concept. But then there was the person playing the piano upside down.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that was a little strange.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I was like, what, what's that purpose?

[Brian Green]

And then there was this spark. He was supposed to be the spark of the flame and he just looked like this, like one of the apocalyptic men riding like the Horsemen, like the seven Horsemen. So yeah, while I do not buy into any of the bullshit about the opening ceremonies, I think the French are just the French and they're very artistic and their version of art doesn't. Is not simpatico with your small minded version of the world. I had a friend who was like, I will never ever go to France. No way. As they pissed all over or whatever. And I was like, what is your fucking problem?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Like what they piss on?

[Brian Green]

They pissed on. Her interpretation of how the world should be. And that is Christian only, you know, whatever. Anyway, I don't want to get into all that because I don't want to offend anybody. I believe that Christianity is just as great as all the other religions.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I don't even know this was an issue.

[Brian Green]

Oh, it was a huge controversy that the Christian right wing attached onto because the, you know, because it was satanic, it was hypersexualized, it was all about gay people. And then they had a. They interpreted the last part of it where the guy who was carrying the candle was dancing on top, on top of the table. They interpreted that as the la.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The Last Supper. Oh, I did hear about that.

[Brian Green]

Come on, give me a. Come on, come on, give me a break. Did you see any of the other. It's. It was just a fever dream. That's all it was. It was one big fever dream. Dream that they never practice or rehearse. Not once. And they were just trying to get it right while it was raining. And then someone else said, that's God raining upon their parade. And I'm on like it was a 10 times cooler because it rained. You don't get it. You're not in on it. You're not in on the joke. And not that I am either. I don't understand the French art either. But I enjoyed every minute of it too. I Wish it was 10 hours long. I loved it. Yeah, the closing ceremonies, they lost their steam a little bit and then it just got strange.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, yeah, then, then we had old tc.

[Brian Green]

Tc. I texted Chrissy, I said, where's Tom? She goes, which Tom? I'm like, which Tom? And I sent her a picture of Tom Arnold.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Then I was even confused on that. But yes. Yeah, yeah. I had heard that he. Because he was there at the Olympics.

[Brian Green]

It was the worst kept secret.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It was. So I had heard, you know, rumblings about he was going to do some stunt. And then when it happened, it was funny, I was laughing.

[Brian Green]

For those of you that didn't flew.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Through the motorcycle after that, for those.

[Brian Green]

Of you who didn't see it, the whole shticked was at the very end, Tom Cruise comes rappelling down from the middle of this huge stadium. Like the roof of this stadium in the middle. However, the entire closing ceremonies they had had people rappelling up and down. So it lost its luster a little bit because everybody else was doing it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And the flame guy came down from the ceiling.

[Brian Green]

Guy came down from the ceiling. So the flame guy can do it all, dress as the apocalyptic, the seven Horsemen of death or whatever that. So could Tom Cruise, maybe he's the third horseman of death. I'm not sure. But he came down, you know, rappelling down the way that Tom Cruise does.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Said hello to impossible style.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Then spent two hours saying hello to every single person in the entire stadium before riding a motorcycle to Los Angeles.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Which was weird. And then they had Red Hot Chili Peppers and Snoop Dogg and these other people playing in California. A proverbial or a, you know. Yeah, proverbial passing of the flame.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Only as a lot of people pointed out online, that wasn't the beaches of Venice beach, it was Long beach, which is like 30 miles.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I thought the same thing too. I was like, I guess maybe they're gonna have events there.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I've been to Venice beach and that. That didn't look like Venice beach to me.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It was not.

[Brian Green]

But I don't know. I don't know. Every inch of la, I'm pretending to know something I don't. But I do have to say that, you know, la, you've got some big shoes to fill. You really do. I have watched I don't know how many Olympics now. A number of Olympics. And I've been a part of one, not a part of one, but I was in the city where one was, and I worked down there almost every day and.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, that's right.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I didn't realize. I forgot. I guess that. No, there's been no Summer Olympics in between here in Atlanta. And that will be in la.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's right. Well, they. You know, that's. That's how they do it. They have to get bribes from everywhere around the world. They can't just bribe one country. They got to bribe them all. Now we can get back to talking about how shitty the IOC committee really is. But at the end of the day, la's got some big shoes to fill. I really got excited about Paris. I think everybody got excited about. I mean, most people got excited about Paris, and it really did live up to the hype. There were so many great, entertaining, athletic moments, so many great entertainment moments. You know, who knew Flavor Flav was a water polo fan? Who knew that Flavor Flav bought Red Lobster?

[Victoria Green]

Did you know that?

[Brian Green]

Did you know that?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Wait a minute. Did he really. Or I just. All of a sudden, I was like, that's how he got the money for the water polo commercials, because they were on a lot.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, well, I actually think he did inject some money into the Red Lobster situation. I don't. First of all, of all, the restaurants, the same flavor, Red Lobster. I mean, come on. But okay, all right. There's a lot of people who like Red Lobster. I have one, like, less than two miles from my house, and there isn't a Friday or Saturday night where that part is not packed. But I guess that's what you get when you sell endless crab legs for a dollar 99. Right? But okay, so Flavor Flav, Snoop Dogg, Martha Stewart, so many other celebrities. But I think that the games did not get outshined by celebrity. It didn't turn into the celebrity Games. There was a lot of celebrity sightings, and they would show people in the crowd. And Snoop Dogg did his thing. I think he was really good at it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I do, too.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, but I.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, the women's gymnastics stuff, there was so much on the line there, so. And that delivered. That made everybody delivered on that.

[Brian Green]

Absolutely. And then I saw, like, Vin Diesel in multiple different weird sports out in the crowd. And I'm like, Vin Diesel dressed as his character in those movies.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Like, oh, really?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And I was like, Vince and the.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Fast and the Furious.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I don't think anybody cares.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I think maybe he just dresses like that.

[Brian Green]

Well, okay. All right. He's in a wife beater. Good for Vin.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, there is a new one coming Out, I think.

[Brian Green]

Well, good. I think he needs a new one.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I don't have anything against Finn, but I've heard he's a dick. That's what they say. So I. I do have to say that I don't think the celebrities got out. I don't think the celebrities outshined the athletes. I think the athletes were the true stars of this particular Olympics and I loved it. And I'm not being paid by NBC to say this, regardless of what it may sound. I'm really not. I just. I thought it was a great Olympics.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Maybe we could apply to be correspondents like Snoop was for la.

[Brian Green]

Because we have the reach.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Hoo ha, who not?

[Brian Green]

Hoo ha, who not? Snoop Dogg on the block. I. I think that maybe in four years we'll have doubled our audience size to 38. And it's possible that they may be interested. Yes. And having us.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's what I'm thinking. I'm being positive.

[Brian Green]

Well, if we get the assignment, it's probably going to be with break.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, they're not having break dancing.

[Brian Green]

Well, I. I can understand why, actually. Now I don't take anything away from whoever won the gold or whatever, but it was a little hard to follow how they were scoring.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I didn't really know.

[Brian Green]

And they were like. At one point, like one was. It was like a breakdancing battle and one was stalking the other one around the stage and it was. It was a little hard to understand. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Like, some had the MCs on the stage, some didn't. I didn't understand why that was some and not the others.

[Brian Green]

But that's where they needed Snoop Dogg to give us a breakdown of how it was all going down. And I do have to say congratulations to Snoop Dogg for being the only human in Olympic history to make it to every single fucking event. Yes, he was at the horse event. You know how the horses, when they dance, like they kick up their heels. And he was at that. And then all of a sudden he was over at the swimming. And then he was. He was everywhere. How did they do it? Helicopter. That's my guess. But they won't show us that part of it. So I don't know. But anyway, that's the Olympics. We're now done talking about it. We will not refer to the Olympics again unless. Ray Gun or Big Dick pole vault guy. You'll have to come to our live shows to hear us opine about Big Dick Paul's hair Gun.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We might pull vault at our live show.

[Brian Green]

I might pull Vault out of there is what I might do. Five minutes into the show, realizing that this was a mistake altogether. What were we thinking? And I promise my dick will not impede me for getting where I'm going. It'll help. Like, you know, they say flat surfaces help with aerodynamics. I'm good to go. All right, let's take a break and we'll be back.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Podcast Announcer]

We're not a real podcast if we're not plugging our Instagram, right? That's right, honey. So follow us on Instagram at the commercial break. And don't you forget TikTok CBpodcast so you can see Brian and Chrissy on your homepage every day, which I know you're just simply desperate for. And if you want to see us in person, guess what? You finally can because we're coming to Florida because only Florida would let TCB come there. Just kidding. Kind of. You can come see us at Daniel beach improv on Tuesday, September 24, and at the Funny Bone Orlando on Wednesday, September 25. Yeah, I know you want to come to both days. That's right. Anyway, the links to both of those are in our show notes. So go get them, get your tickets, and then tell us that you're coming by Texting us at 212-433-3822. And if there's anything else you need from us, I am sure you can find it on our website, tcbpodcast.com live laugh love.

[Brian Green]

Classical on the chop. Chianti Classico. I was talking to my friend Raphael, who's. I got. That's how Raphael and I met. We met at this Italian trattoria. I say trattoria. It was like a shitty Italian restaurant. It actually wasn't shitty. Lots of people loved it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You just knew the inner workings of it.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I knew that your croutons were the person who was sitting next to you's bread head. That's what I knew. Okay. And I was like, ah. And I knew the anchovies came in a can and they have been sitting in that can for many years. That's what I do. But I guess maybe that's. Anchovies can do that.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Never liked anchovies.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No.

[Brian Green]

Never like them. I. E. But I and my father in law, he will eat them. Like just take them out of the can and eat them. And I'm like, what in the. And I know they're good for your heart or some like that. Like what?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

They're good for you. They are. But yeah, it's kind of hard if you didn't grow up with that.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Now I don't get that. I don't get too close to my father in law's mouth usually, but I can only imagine that breath. Hi Brian. Hi, Brian indeed. Put that mouth away. Geez. Got anchovy ass over there. What's going on? Stop it. So I wanted to tell you that we finally, and this may prompt Victoria Green appearance. We finally got my mom out of that long term rehab facility.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes, I know. Congratulations. That was a tough. We've had some tough stuff that's happened especially.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it's not been a great health year. I was talking to a guy I, I used to do business with in real estate and he was like, God, you guys, like I hope you have insurance for all this stuff like every. Because it feels like 20, 23/24 was just a terrible health year for, for a lot of us and a lot of those around us. And I mean like terrible in ways we can't even imagine. And I hope we don't repeat that at the end of 20, 24, 25 in any kind of way. But my mom is. She fell at like. I'll tell the story because I don't think I've ever told it. She fell at like a doctor's office. The doctor's office was doing construction. They had put some like really strong cardboard, taped it down to the floor so that they didn't get, I imagine, mud and you know, drywall, whatever all over the entrance and. But they had also cracked the threshold of the actual sliding glass door. So the door would open, but the threshold was up a little bit. And my mom walks on a walker, so she tripped and unbelievably like broke her leg in seven different places. And they had to put a bunch of metal in it. Well, it took her forever for fucking ever to recover from this place.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Months and months.

[Brian Green]

Because my mom has this terrible addiction and it's called Q vc qvc.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Take it off your parents television. Take. I don't know what it is. Fox Business, QVC and the Home Shopping Network. Take them all off there because it's just a terrible. It's so. It's. It's highway robbery is what it is.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know my mom and my grandmother did it years ago when they first. Those networks first came out.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

So I know that. But yeah. Your mom's still in it.

[Brian Green]

My mom is. She's addicted to it. She cannot stop. We have had this conversation with her 30 times over the last 10 years and she cannot stop. She keeps promising us she's going to stop. She even went so far as to have the call the cable company to take it off of her cable, and they said, sure, you can just password protect it. Well, she put a password on there. 1, 2, 3, 4. And then for two days, she didn't watch it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And then she password protects her.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, yeah. Like parental controls.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But they told her she knew the password.

[Brian Green]

She made up the password. And I was like.

[Victoria Green]

She's like, I called him, and he took it right off my tv.

[Brian Green]

And I go, oh, that's great. I come into her house, to her apartment two days later, and she's watching qvc. I, like, pop in unexpectedly.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Hey, mom, think, like, people really get to know the hosts, and then they kind of think that they're friends. You know what I'm saying? I think there's something like that, too.

[Brian Green]

It's like. And today we have on Lane Bryant with her big girl wear, like, you know.

[Victoria Green]

Oh, my gosh, look at the patterns. They're so pretty. Everybody's gonna be wearing this this summer. It's fabulous.

[Brian Green]

Look at these scarves, these August scarves. You don't wear a scarf in August. Mom, what are you doing? I swear to God, they have, like, an August snowshoe sale, and my mom's buying 12 pairs. Cause here's what my mom does, you know? Hi, qvc.

[Victoria Green]

Hi, it's Vicki Green.

[Brian Green]

Oh, hi, Vic. How are you?

[Victoria Green]

I'm great. You know Bob from Oregon? Oh, how's Bob doing? Oh, he's great. I think I want to get 12 pairs of those snow boots. I don't know what size he wears. So just send me 1 through 13. I'll return the rest.

[Brian Green]

Do you want to do a payment plan?

[Victoria Green]

Of course I do. It makes it so easy and convenient.

[Brian Green]

Okay. It's only $1.99 for the next 312 months.

[Victoria Green]

Sign me up. I'm good to go.

[Brian Green]

And then they're, like, deducting $700 a month from her account, right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Because it's all added up.

[Brian Green]

Yes. And I'm like, Mom, what's this 700? What did you buy from QVC for $700?

[Victoria Green]

Nothing.

[Brian Green]

Mom, what did you buy from QVC for 700? Nothing.

[Victoria Green]

I swear. I didn't buy anything for 700. I don't. Honey, I don't even know how to spend. They don't even sell anything for $700.

[Brian Green]

I call QVC.

[Victoria Green]

Oh, yes, that's your mother. That's Victoria. We love her around here. She has 216 items on our.

[Brian Green]

Oh, what's the interest on that?

[Victoria Green]

Well, it's no interest for the first 20 years and 70% interest for the second 20 years.

[Brian Green]

Oh, it's a great plan.

[Victoria Green]

But she can pay it off early.

[Brian Green]

Oh, can she?

[Victoria Green]

For an extra 17%.

[Brian Green]

Oh, thanks, that's great.

[Victoria Green]

No credit check required.

[Brian Green]

Oh, no credit check required for your shitty snow boots. Thanks, lady. I mean, my mom is, like, fully engulfed. They know her there.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, I can imagine.

[Victoria Green]

She's like, oh, yeah, I've got her file up here. Oh, she's awesome. She's talked down air three times.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, stop, mom. Stop with the shit, please. Can you stop?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Does she give a lot of it away to, like, as Chrissy or. No, she keeps it.

[Brian Green]

Chrissy.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

What?

[Brian Green]

My mom's in this rehab place for like a month, right? And then the rehab place calls me because of course my mom has them call me for everything, because my mom doesn't, you know, my mom wants me to deal with.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

So in a lot of people with, with parents who are at this stage of life, will. This will resonate with you. Right. It's just too much for them to handle, or they think you can handle it better, or they don't want to be bothered with real life issues. They're watching qvc. And so the lady calls me from the place and she says, you know, hey, Brian, it's, you know, whoever entered the place. And, you know, well, it's been a month, and we're not making the kind of progress we thought we were going to make. So she can either pay her bill or we got to let her go. And I'm like, she's involved in a lawsuit now and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, listen, the lawsuit, and it should take another couple months. Can we work something out? They did, to their credit. They did, yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

They usually work with you.

[Brian Green]

Okay, so month one, this place is an hour away from my house, by the way. Month one.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's right. I'm driving all the burgers that were up in the air.

[Brian Green]

That's right, that's right. They have a great burger place on the way, so no problem.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, One day I came in the studio and you were just, just wanted to talk about the best burgers in Atlanta.

[Brian Green]

I'm dying about these burgers. Anyway, so I, I, so we drive an hour up there, you know, first month, you know, hey, can you bring me this? And then we figure out that we can get Amazon delivered there. So we're delivering, like, you know, snacks and stuff. She's complaining about the food.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And then she figures out that there's two snack machines down at the end of the hallway. So she's been giving the ladies, the nurses who are there 24 hours a day, who's now her best friends because she's now giving them the card and saying, give me a Snickers bar and.

[Victoria Green]

Get one for yourself, too.

[Brian Green]

So there's like $403 charges on her credit card. Right. And I'm like, mom, you can't be doing this. What are you doing?

[Victoria Green]

Honey, you eat the food here and don't listen.

[Brian Green]

I went to jail. I know what the food is like. You'll be okay. We can all stand to lose a few pounds. It'll be all right.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We all complain about the food.

[Brian Green]

Of course they do. They complain about the food. So you get them something different.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We're delivering Chick Fil A. Oh, my God.

[Brian Green]

Damn. Thank God my mom hasn't figured that one out yet. So we're delivering this stuff. So then, you know, a week would or two, sometimes would go by before we would go up and see her because it took so long to get there. And, you know, we only go on weekends and.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay, you've got 30 kids.

[Brian Green]

Yes. So I. I arrange her for her to stay there, like, on a semi permanent basis for at least three months. So we go there month number two. It's probably been two weeks since we've been there. We go there. She's got literally 17 pairs of new shoes and 300 new outfits. And I'm like, mom, what is going on in here?

[Victoria Green]

Oh, honey, you wouldn't believe it. I had these one sho. And then I had another shoe, and I didn't know what to do.

[Brian Green]

And I go, you aren't even walking. You're on a bed. You have a cast on your leg. What are you doing?

[Victoria Green]

Well, what am I gonna do when the cast comes off?

[Brian Green]

I don't know, Mom. We'll go get you shoes. There's 3,000 at your apartment. What are we doing? So this is all thing. And then I call my mom, like a week later. She says, don't worry, honey.

[Victoria Green]

I'm gonna return all of the ones that I don't use.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah, right. Okay, got it. You're not going to do any of that?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, no. Because she's not going to go through the trouble of boxing it all up and sending it back.

[Brian Green]

Exactly. You think my mom's going to do that? You got another thing coming. Astra And I one time moved her from one place to the other. And there were 16 different versions of the same shirt in there in different sizes. And she was like, I didn't know.

[Victoria Green]

Which size I wore, so I ordered a bunch. And then I was going to send.

[Brian Green]

It back, and still the tag on it, it was like, from 2007. And I'm like, mom, what are you going to send it back? It's 10 years later. What are you going to do? So my mom says, I'm gonna send.

[Victoria Green]

Don't worry, honey. I'm gonna send them all back.

[Brian Green]

Okay, Mom, I got you 10 4. Because I don't believe a word of it. But it's okay, you know, whatever. We all have our things. I'm not trying to bust on my mom. We all have our things. And I got my bullshit, too. So that's just not qvc. So I call her like a week later, and she's on the phone. And this is. This is my mom. My mom thinks she hits the mute button, but she doesn't hit the mute button, if you know what I mean. Hey, mom, what's going on?

[Victoria Green]

Oh, nothing. I'm here. I was just. I was just getting this lady to pack up the boxes with all the stuff for qvc.

[Brian Green]

Oh, okay, great.

[Victoria Green]

As a matter of fact, here she comes. Hold on one second, honey.

[Brian Green]

She thinks she hits the mute button and she's like this.

[Victoria Green]

Yeah, yeah, go ahead and take that. Go give that to your granddaughter and give that to June down the. You know June. You know June from Ohio. She's like two doors down. Go ahead and give that to her. Oh, honey, can you do me a favor? Can you go get me six Snickers bars from the thing? I don't have my card on me right now, but.

[Brian Green]

So what she's doing is she's trading clothes for Snickers bars. But I'm like, this is a full on Sing Sing over there. She's trading clothing for food. What are you doing? Mom, stop it. Oh, yeah, it's a terrible situation. So now we gotta pack my mom up and we gotta take her back to the place where she lived before. Because six months. Months is enough. Like, the people over there are like, okay, this is not like a living facility. This is a nursing facility.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Green]

So if you're not dying, you got to get going. Right? And so my mom's okay, so we. We arranged to have her go back to this other place. And she's still not walking all that great. So we're gonna have these, like, Assistants come in and help her shower and. Yeah. Take care of her. And now she's much closer to us. So we can just. 15 minutes down the road. We can be there in a couple minutes. So we can be there in 15 minutes because that's how long I said it's gonna take. Right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Put it on traffic.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. So Astrid and I spend three days. All her stuff is in this storage facility behind my house. So we spend three days cleaning everything, putting it. And we go over to this. What is referred to as a senior living facility. Like an apartment complex. An apartment building where people are in various stages of independent living. Right. So they have their own kitchen, and they maybe have a bedroom and a bathroom. And they generally live independently with help from medical assistance. If they pay for it privately. It's not included in. In what they do that. It's not a nursing care facility. So, Chrissy, they have two separate elevators in this place. And my mom's gonna be on the second floor, which sounds great for a lady who does not walk and is in a wheelchair, but okay. They have. At least. They have elevators. One of the elevators is broken. The main elevator is broken. So they have one that's closer to my mom's apartment on the second floor. And it's three stories, so. So we have to lug all this stuff from the car. We have to park in the back of the building, go through a side entrance, come in through this next entrance, go through the eating hall. Go. You know, it's a whole thing. And I'm taking multiple trips, multiple trips. Like, we're talking like 40 trips up and down, up and down, trying to get in this elevator. Up. It got to one point when the cart was empty, I would just lug it down the stairs because I was getting sick of waiting for the elevator. That is as slow as some of the people in the facility. I'm like, you don't have to match. Watch the speed of the people who live here. You can actually go. The problem is. I know. Yeah, it's terrible. It's terrible. And I know I'm not too far off from one of these places, too. So I'm kind of depressed because I'm like, jesus, just put me out of my misery. But at lunch is at 12. But at 11, everybody has to start moving towards lunch. They all have to be sitting there waiting for their food. Right. Because there's listening. Let's. Let's just be honest about it. There's a couple times a day when shit's happening and you have plenty of time. Yeah, you have plenty of time to wait. If you get there first, you're going to be waiting on first. You get your cup of coffee, maybe they give you a. Maybe you'll be lucky. And there's some bread ready, and they throw you some rolls or some like that, Right. And it's all kind of sad, but a little bit funny. Yeah, you got to get your spot. You want to make sure you sit at your table, you know, God forbid somebody sit at your seats, you know, so everyone. It's like a little dance that they're doing. And I noticed this over the course of four. I mean, I've known it for a while because she's lived there for a long time, but, you know. You know. Okay, so. But at 11am now, everybody in the building is trying to get down to the first floor. So I don't know how many times I sat on that second floor and there were people standing behind me or with me, and they all had something to say. Oh, are you the Amazon guy? No, I'm not here. Moving my mom in. Oh, great, a new resident. What's her name? I go, she's actually not new. She's been here before. Her name is Vicky Green. And you know how opinionated people are at that age.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, they. They don't hold back.

[Brian Green]

I understand why this country is such a mess. It's people over the age of 70. That's why. Because this one, you. I would get one of three reactions when I would say, oh, it's Vicky Green. They go, oh, don't know her, but, you know, you know, welcome her back.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Or you'd get the. Very nice. Oh, that's great. Love, Vicki. Great to see she's doing well. We'll be happy to have her back. Or you'd get the. Oh, Vicky. I remember her. You know, it'd be like. I'd be like, oh, what am I? Because my mom's not one to keep her mouth closed. If she don't like it, she's probably gonna let you know.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Green]

So here I go. Okay. So I go and I grab it, and I know I'm gonna have to do this dance and wait for the elevator to go up and down and up and down and up and down. And I'm standing at the first floor, and I know to stand to the side because there's going to be a million people coming out of there in their walkers and wheelchairs and all this other stuff. And then I go up to the second floor and the door opens remarkably Slow.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

They do.

[Brian Green]

It's only a quarter of the way open. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm gonna. My head's gonna explode. And there is a guy, an older gentleman, a much older gentleman. But he. Let's say he's in his mid-70s and he's in a full on electric wheelchair. Wheelchair. All right. Customized full on electric wheelchair. And he is right there at the door. And I have a huge. I don't know what to call it. Like a wagon that you would, you know, lug stuff for the kids. Like a beach wagon. Yeah. And it's filled to the top. And this guy got. I stacked as much stuff because I'm like, I gotta take as few trips as possible, please. And he's standing there, and I'm standing there, and I'm like, oh, I'm so sorry.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Waiting to get into the elevator.

[Brian Green]

He's waiting to get into the elevator. And I've got a full cart waiting to get out of the elevator.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, get out of the elevator.

[Brian Green]

The elevator is the size of the cart. And so now it's a Mexican. Mexican standoff. And I'm like, hey, I'm really. I go, oh, man, I'm. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And he goes, you can go. And I'm like, I don't want to hit your feet already. You won't. And I go, chrissy, there's no room. There's no room. There's an inch, maybe. And I'm like.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I'm like, he didn't back off.

[Brian Green]

Yes. No, he didn't. And so I'm like, I'm pretty sure this is not going to fit. And I really don't want to. I really don't want to bother you over. Sure. And he goes, how would you know if you didn't even try? And I go, oh, okay. So I try and get my leg around him and I can't. And I'm like, yeah, I don't think it's going to fit. And he goes, you didn't really try. And I go, can you just back it up a little bit? And he goes, why do I have to be inconvenienced? And I'm like, well, I'm sorry, what do you want me to do? And he's like, you should have left the stuff down there. Yeah. And I'm like, what? What? And he goes, there's two elevators. And I go, one of them's broken, so not my fault. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm in an argument with an old man at a retirement facility over who's going to get out or into the elevator. And I go, well, I. Even if I move over, I'm not sure you're going to fit in the elevator. We didn't even try. Okay, all right. Okay. Well, that.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

First of all, elevator rules are. You back away to let people out of it so you can get into it. So that is the rule.

[Brian Green]

I teach my children this all the time. You got to move out of the way so they can get out and you could get in. Nothing irritates me more than being in a subway or an elevator or whatever.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know.

[Brian Green]

And there are people literally standing there or trying to get in the elevator as you're getting out. It's like, what the fuck is wrong with your brain? Oh, my God. So finally, like, an angel from the hallway appears. This other man appears, who I had seen earlier and said a very nice exchange with, like, if she was one of the guys that was like, oh, yeah. And he goes, what's going on here? And I go, oh, nothing. I'm just trying to get out of the elevator. But I think we're having a little disagreement about how to do that. And he goes, jack, let the guy through. And he goes, I was here first. And I go first. I go like this. I go, what? And so he finally. He, like, backs up and he goes, fine, but the more courtesy next time. And I go, more courtesy next time. I hope there's never a next time.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But okay, I'm just gonna stay in the elevator next time. Have you ride down with me.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God. And then the next time I come in, he's sitting at the table, like, closest to the hall, you know, the open hallway.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And I can hear him. There he is. There he is. Like, I'm a suspect.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Other people about you.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I'm a suspect in a bank robbery now. What the fuck? There he is. God bless America. It's all going to hell in a handbasket, guys. All right, let's take a break. We'll be back with more Tales from the Crypt after that. Other than the doom after this. Oh, God. God.

[Podcast Announcer]

Hello, my fans. I mean, Brian and Chrissy's fans. Boy, have I got news for you. We are officially coming to Florida for TCB Live. That's right. You can come see Brian's bald head shining under the stage lights at Daniel beach improv on Tuesday, September 24, and at the Funny Bone in Orlando on Wednesday, September 25. If you can't make it to see us in person, Text us or call us at 212-4333, TCB and leave us a little love note instead. As always, please, please, please follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok @TCB podcast. Our content is shockingly good, so get after it. And you already know I put every single one of those links in the show notes. You're welcome.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God. So, so much fun. Why? Blue's going crazy out there. What's going on?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You said you gave her some c. Oh, my God.

[Brian Green]

Dog. CBD I gave.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Which is supposed to be good.

[Brian Green]

What is going on with her? Is there, like, maybe. Is there somebody out front? Let me check here.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Maybe it's the person that's returning your phone call to the ring doorbell.

[Victoria Green]

It's the ring doorbell.

[Brian Green]

Just returning my ring on the ring. Oh, this guy. Anyway, so, yeah, you know, Blue. Blue. We love Blue. There's no doubt that that dog is, like, inexorably tied to the Green family. And in some ways, it might just be like Kar. Payback for the last dog I had that I, like, had to put down. And. And it was not. It was a terrible, terrible situation, but it was a dog who was aggressive. Not to me, but was aggressive to other people. And he was a resource garter. So if he got food and you were within 15ft, and he's a bull, so he's a bully. So if you got within 15ft of him, and I don't mean a bully, a bull, like a person who pushes people around. I mean like a bully dog. Like, he was some kind of bulldog, right? Like a terrier or something. He was a mix. And he was about to be put down. And I rescued him. Him and I. For two months I had him, and he bit multiple people. And it was not a good situation. And some of those people bled. Like, it was not a good situation. And I think in some ways, Blue might be like Nacho, which is the name Nacho Potato. I think Nacho Potato and Blue might have mixed in the universe and come down to, like, haunt me for the rest of my days. But I love the dog. I just.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Dog is super. Can be so sweet.

[Brian Green]

Can. Can.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And loving and sweet. Can.

[Brian Green]

Can.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

When she is. She's so nice. And that's a lot of the time, honestly. But then there's a lot of the time that's this.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, there's 90% of the day when she's like this, and then there's 10% of the day when she's sleeping, but she goes Absolutely bonkers. Like she is right now. And so this is a real problem. Like it's a real problem. It raises blood pressures, it irritates everybody. It's hard to have people over and.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Her behav any of the babies to sleep.

[Brian Green]

That's right. You can't get a nap in here because she will bark at whatever. We don't know. And it's probably anxiety related. So we went to the doctor. We. And by the way, we have hired multiple dog therapists, psychiatrists, psychics. I mean we hired a bunch of people. We. This dog is so irritating that one of the world renowned dog trainers decided to drag her by the leash in the air. Like just lift her up off the air in the air and just start swinging her around. He couldn't take it. And that, by the way, that was the last moment of me paying him anything. But yes, because I was like the. Are you. I don't even do that to my dog. I live with it. And so if you can't deal with it, you're a world renowned dog trainer, my ass. I wish I could remember the guy's name. I'd say it out loud. Avoid this guy. Anyway, so we tried everything under the sun and I understand that getting the vocal cords cut is like total torture. So we're not going to do that and it's not going to solve the problem. Then she's going to have a more annoying bark.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh my God.

[Brian Green]

So years ago we put her on anti anxiety medication in the hopes that it would help. And at first it might have maybe like a 10% difference, but now she's like physically addicted to the medication. So we can't just take her off of it. We've got to wean her off of it. So my vet's wise idea is let's put her on cbd. Oil works for a lot of dogs. Dogs. Chrissy heard this months and months and months ago. Where'd you go? Colorado?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No. Well, I ordered it from Hawaii. It's Bill Kreutzman from the Grateful Dead.

[Brian Green]

Oh yeah, that's right.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

They have a, a hemp and CBD company. Yeah, and they make. We. Jeff and I started using their, their salve.

[Brian Green]

Oh, for like your skin.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

For, for like muscle.

[Brian Green]

Oh, okay.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You know, muscle aches or whatever. And they had this package and I ordered the package. Inside came the, the CBD for the dogs. I gladly pass it. I thought this. I came running in here.

[Brian Green]

I know you were like, look at this.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The miracle. This is going to solve it all.

[Brian Green]

Mother Teresa herself Brought in the dog salvo with cbd. So Astor and I had tried this before, and it made the dog crazier, like, more anxious, more wired, more crazed. And so we really felt that, okay, maybe we don't want to do that again, because we used that for, like, a week. And honestly, it was one of the toughest weeks we had with Blue. Blue for the barking. So. But the vet suggest this a couple weeks back, and I think to myself, okay, I'll go get it from the vet. Well, I call up there, and the vet's like, yeah, it's like $189. And I'm like, 189 fucking dollars? What are you crazy? I'm not gonna pay 100. And I'm already paying for 12 different kinds of medication. And every time the dog goes in there, I'm not going to pay $189 for fucking CBD oil. So I'm looking through this box of old dog medications that we have, hoping there's something in there for me. And I. You know, sometimes they give you this. They give you the good stuff. So I find this CBD oil that Chrissy gave us, and I thought, oh, here we go. Let me try this. So I've given it to her now three days in a row, and this is the result. She is literally barking at nothing. Nothing.

[Podcast Announcer]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And even she was very hyper when I came in today, like, doing stuff I had, I normally don't see her do. Running up and down the hall. Running up and down the hall.

[Brian Green]

She is insane today. So I think the CBD oil might be affecting. Plus, she's a very small dog. There's a very small amount of THC in there. The actual, like, psychoactive part of the. The bud, right, the weed. I believe that maybe it is affecting her, and who knows? But I don't know what to do. And Asher and I were talking about. She now she shits and pisses all over the place. She's getting older, so she just does her business wherever she damn well pleases. Oh, yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She's, like, in the retirement.

[Brian Green]

I know we are young. Youngest is like a blue monitor. So she'll.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She is.

[Brian Green]

She is. And she hears me saying stuff, and she repeats it. So I'll be like, blue, get out. Like, you know, for dinner time. She's always jumping up on somebody trying to get at their food. And so I always have to put her out of the kitchen. There's a gate that we have. And so now my youngest, like, blue boo out. Blue out, you know, or blue quiet Blue quiet.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But she also knows those are her first words.

[Brian Green]

I know. Blue quiet were my child's first words. When the doctor asks us, could she put two sentences together? Two words together, and we say, yes. Blue quiet or blue out or blue shut the up. So. But she also follows the dog around, and if she sees any pee, pee.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Poo poo, she's like, oh, yeah, I've heard of it.

[Brian Green]

She's like, daddy, daddy, boo pee pee boo poo poo. I know. It's so funny. It's so crazy, but I don't think the CBD oil is working.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Seeing it seems to be doing the opposite effect.

[Brian Green]

No. Yeah. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. I mean, if anybody has any ideas out there, I'm open to the idea. Besides cutting her vocal cords out.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

We had some dude years ago sent us a message, and it was like this whole long message. She had worked as a vet tech for a number of years, and he was like, it's actually not, you know, that bad to cut a boot. And I thought to myself, you're out of your mind. What are you talking about?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know.

[Brian Green]

It's torture. It's got to be torture. What?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Didn't you even have, like, a muzzle thing that you had put on?

[Brian Green]

We had a neck thing. We had an electric collar.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The electric collar.

[Brian Green]

We had a spray thing, and then we had an electric collar. So we had the spray thing, which sprayed, like, a little bit of, I don't know, you put, like, vinegar in it or something. It was, like this weird. You would spray it. It was. And guess what blue would do? She would lick it. She thought it was good. And so she would bark to get the spray in her mouth. That's what she would do. It would spray, and then, you know, she would lick it off the floor. And so she was barking and then licking it off the floor, barking. And then she learned that if she barked, then it would spray on the floor. So then we. We took it a step further and we said, okay, let's get an electric collar.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. I had a friend who did the electric collar thing, and it did seem to work.

[Brian Green]

Okay, well, this did not. Okay.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Okay.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Good for her.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, good for her. This is Blue. She's unlike any dog in the history of dogs. This dog, every time that she would get shocked, she'd bark even more. It was like this vicious cycle that lasted for two days. And we were done. We were, oh, my God. This makes it even worse. And there was A lady who one time told me that she sent me a thing from Amazon. This is not too long ago. I wish I could remember her name. Thank you for the suggestion. It is a device that emits a, like, dog whistle sound. Well, yeah, that we can't hear, but the dog can, and it's annoying, so haven't tried that yet. I think we'll give that a try next.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You got to give that, and then you're at your last wit.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I know. Noemi said, why don't you put. Put. Get an old Sprite can or old Coke can, put a bunch of rocks in it, tape it up, and then shake it at her every time she barks. And it'll train her not to. It worked like a charm for, like, the first 20 minutes. And then she just started barking at the can, and it was like, oh, my God. This is crazy.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know.

[Brian Green]

But I have read and I believe that dogs who are anxious, they can develop. I guess this is, like, crazy people talking to themselves on the side of the street. If you're, like, mentally. Bill. They have developed a weird relationship with their own voice and is that. It calms them down. So when they get super anxious, they bark because that calms them down. It's a way to expel energy, and it drives. You know, there's some pineal gland or something. I don't know. I just want Blue to shut up. That's all I want.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I think you need to go to the whistle.

[Brian Green]

Blue probably looks at me how I looked at that old man. Like, what? What? I'm trying to tell you I'm upset. What do you. What's the problem?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Problem out of courtesy.

[Brian Green]

The problem is I'm upset because of you. That's the problem. And on that cbd, she. It's bad already that she follows me around every step I take, but last night, it was like she took it. She was literally under my feet the entire time. I know. I think. I think we might have to cut out the seat. But we gave it a try. Hey, we gave it a try, and that's what matters. I. You know, again, if anybody has any suggestion as to how to get this dog to stop barking, working lower her anxiety or something, let me know. And I don't want any kooky recommendations like dog massage, because if you think I'm taking my dog to the masseuse, you got another thing coming. That's not gonna happen. You crazy. You crazy. Maybe.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Did you ever. Did you already try, like, the blanket thing?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We had a weighted Blanket thingy.

[Brian Green]

Yep. We had the thunder blanket and the anxiety blanket and our lives. My mom has spent 150, 000 on QVC just in the last two years. I've spent 150, 000 on devices and contraptions to stop my dog from barking. And none, not one, has worked efficiently for more than 15 minutes. Yeah, there was one trainer who got her licked for, like two weeks. He had a clicker and he would just. A clicker. That was it. And he would click, and he trained her how to shut up when that clicked. But the second that he left and I started clicking, she just. It's as if she wasn't intimidated anymore. That clicker was done. It was done. Guess who's not gonna be at the Dania Point in Beach Improv? The Dania Beach Improv Blue on the 24th. Blue, that's right. Of September. Just a short month and some change away. Chris.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But we might have to, like, record her, you know, barking. Just have clips of it.

[Brian Green]

So it's comfort. It's comfort. Yeah. So we know that we're. We're doing an episode. That's right. Oh, that's a good idea. Christina, cut clips of Blue barking. I'll do it. Actually. I'll do it because it'll sound better.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You got plenty supply.

[Brian Green]

Yes. So Dania Beach Improv. I hope I'm saying that correctly. If I'm not, it's Fort Lauderdale, Miami area. Okay. Dania beach improvised Improv. Very, very famous comedy club down there. Chrissy and I are going to be there on the 24th. Tickets now available by going to our Instagram link in bio, or you can go to our website or you can go straight to the Improv's club's web page and just look up the date and there you can see it. Also, we're going to be at the Bone. We're going to be boning it at the Bone. We're going to be at the Orlando Bone.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I like saying that.

[Brian Green]

Me too. We're gonna be at the Orlando Funny bone on the 25th, the night after that. So if you want to do a road trip. Cool. Come with us on the 25th. And it's just gonna be us. That's it. We're. We're the future. For the entire night, nobody.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No.

[Brian Green]

So you're gonna get no funny the entire night. 212-4333. TCB 212 433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, TCB podcast at the commercial break on Instagram TCB podcast on Tick Tock. Thanks so much for joining us, Chrissy. That's all I can do for today, but I'll tell you that I love you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I love you.

[Brian Green]

Best to you and best you out there in the podcast universe. Watch Sam Morrill's new special, you've changed. Until next time. Kirsty and I always say, we do say and we must say goodbye, Saint.