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- [00:00]
A
Hey, Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. Now I don't know if you've heard, but Mint's Premium Wireless is $15 a month. But I'd like to offer one other perk. We have no stores. That means no small talk. Crazy weather we're having. No, it's not. It's just weather. It is an introvert's dream. Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment.
- [00:24]
B
$45 for three month plan $15 per month equivalent required.
- [00:26]
A
New customer offer first three months only.
- [00:27]
B
Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See mintmobile.com@maurice's We' about great jeans. You know, the ones that fit you just right. The ones that go from work days to weekends and everywhere in between. The ones that simply make you feel good because you don't just wear jeans, you live in them. With 25 sizes, five lengths and six denim brands, you've got options and fit experts in every store. To make Jean shopping easier, find great jeans starting at $29.90 in stores and at Marisa's.com.
- [01:02]
A
Deck the hogs with Bows of Pauline Tis the season to be jolly, Don. We now are gay apparel. Join the ancient Yuletide carol. Yeah, on this episode of the Commercial Break, when I listen to that intro, it reminds me that the holidays are actually right around the corner. Another spin around the Sun. Another 312 episodes of the Commercial break. Another year of explaining to the children why Santa Claus is indeed a cheap bastard. I'm sorry, daughter of mine, it's not my fault. It's Santa Claus. He couldn't afford Labubus this year. Anywho, as we limp to the finish line where Chrissy will hopefully return to her rightful place in the chair next to me, I have no choice but to run one more TCB classic for you. But this one you will enjoy because I will not. You will laugh at my expense. It's almost guaranteed you will. Remember a few years ago I had my 13th and very last child because I went and got my V card pulled. Snip, snip, snap, snap. While there may be motion in the ocean, there is no powder in the keg. Small ones. Cover your ears on this episode because like any good mediocre comedy podcaster, even the most intimate of moments become content. And while it's not my favorite memory, many people have said this was a laugh out loud moment. Enjoy the retelling of my emasculating procedure from December of 2023 and I will be back tomorrow where Tina will graciously help us round out the week. Bye. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green and this is the director of Dancing and Prancing, Kristen Joy. Only best to you, Chris. Brian, Best to you out there in the podcast un universe. Thanks for coming back. Thanks for joining us. Appreciate it. Well, it's Christmas time season. How are you feeling? Tell me about what is on your. What is on your gift list this year so I can know what I want to get you but probably won't be able to afford even if that.
- [03:25]
C
List includes M and M. Friendship.
- [03:28]
A
Oh, Chrissy, you know all the right words. But I do not want only your friendship.
- [03:33]
C
What would you like?
- [03:34]
A
I don't know, $20,000 check, something like that.
- [03:36]
C
Oh, okay.
- [03:37]
A
Maybe you could call the podcast overlords and tell them to deliver us a $20,000 check here at the commercial break.
- [03:44]
C
But, you know, work on that.
- [03:45]
A
Okay. Barring any of that, what do you want for Christmas?
- [03:50]
C
I honestly, you're at a loss.
- [03:52]
A
You have everything that you need?
- [03:53]
C
I'm at a loss.
- [03:55]
A
You know, I know it as, as we get to be adults, it's harder and harder to buy for those that you love that are also growing in age, which is everybody, by the way. Everyone's growing in age at all times. Just a scientific fact. I looked it up. I goog. Yeah, I mean, I find it really difficult sometimes to buy for certain people because I don't know what they have that they could not want. Do you know what I'm saying?
- [04:19]
C
Exactly.
- [04:19]
A
It's like they have everything that they need. A gift card is a ridiculous gift, but one that often is given in lieu of any good idea.
- [04:28]
C
Right.
- [04:28]
A
And then I'm just at a loss. So we decided we were going to do like, like a Happy Slappy Santa kind of thing. Everybody gets a name, pulls out of a hat or some website.
- [04:38]
C
Fun.
- [04:38]
A
They have a website now you can go to, you input the names and then you give the email addresses. And then that website is in charge of telling everybody who they are getting for Secret Santa or Happy Slappy Santa or whatever you want to call it.
- [04:50]
C
That's convenient.
- [04:51]
A
It is convenient. And that way there's no one key holder of the information because there's always that one asshole who knows what everybody's going to get. You know what I'm saying? Who's getting for who. And so to take that pressure off anybody in particular, we just use this website. But we're going to do Happy Slappy Santa in this sense, we are going to give away or buy for one particular person. But it has to be a ridiculous gift. It has to be one of those gag gifts.
- [05:15]
C
Those are fun.
- [05:16]
A
Totally agree.
- [05:17]
C
Yeah, I like those gag gifts.
- [05:19]
A
And I've been doing this for years without. And my fucking family hates me for it. This is their chance to get me back. I have a feeling that no matter who they give, who they got in that little, you know, website, they're still going to get for me. One year I put a dirty ashtray, some range balls, like golf balls, some range balls, a T shirt that I had been wearing since I was 13 years old that had seen its better days and smelled like it had seen its better days. And then what else did I put in there? I don't know, like a decapitated GI Joe or something like that head. And I gave it to my brother, and I just thought it was the funniest thing in the world. And they did not think it was funny. They thought it was a way for me to get out of them. Out of me spending money on that.
- [06:01]
C
Kid, which in a way it probably was.
- [06:05]
A
When you don't have money, you get creative.
- [06:06]
C
Yes.
- [06:07]
A
And I thought a dirty ashtray that had, by the time I got over Christmas Eve festivities, had spilled all over the inside of the gift. It. You know, it just. Maybe it didn't hit right, Chrissy.
- [06:18]
C
Yeah, it didn't.
- [06:18]
A
It didn't hit right. This one hits different. You know what I'm saying? I think I got that for Patrick and I'm sure that he's gonna get me back. I know it's coming. I know it's coming. I'm gonna get, like a used condom.
- [06:31]
C
I hope not.
- [06:32]
A
I hope not also, but, you know, when you get to be. When you have children, too, you can forget about anybody caring about what they're going to get you. It all becomes about the children.
- [06:41]
C
Exactly. I love buying for my little nephews.
- [06:44]
A
Listen, I'm with you. There's nothing like the joy of watching children open up gifts under any circumstances. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, whatever it is you celebrate. Right? There's nothing quite like the joy until you realize that that thing requires batteries, has multiple pieces that some children can't put in their mouth, and it makes noise.
- [07:05]
C
Noise. The noise thing. I learned early on to not give those gifts.
- [07:09]
A
God bless you, Chrissy.
- [07:10]
C
I would be at the house with them and by the. After a few hours of those noises, like the fire truck, you know, or the whatever, get games, things that make the noises. I was about to lose it. So I was like, I'm never going to do this.
- [07:27]
A
Swear to God. Yeah, swear to God. Every gift they get, this is. Yeah, stop, please stop, please stop it. Stop the madness. Stop giving my children stuff that makes noises or things that are going to certainly kill them. And you don't realize it because you're not a parent. You know what I'm saying?
- [07:49]
C
Exactly.
- [07:50]
A
One time, God bless him, I love him to death. He's my favorite. One of my favorite human beings on earth. But Gustavo bought the kids this ever loving motherfucking tunnels. The tunnels. The collapsible tunnels.
- [08:04]
C
Right?
- [08:05]
A
You know what I'm talking about? And then you attach. Yeah, you saw them. Because my kids decide every three or four days that that's what they have to play with. But you take days to set it up.
- [08:15]
C
Yeah.
- [08:15]
A
And they play with it for one minute. But the worst part about this is it came with these little tiny plastic balls. The kind you would find in like a ball pit, you know what I'm saying? So it came with these God damn balls. I mean, balls, balls, balls everywhere balls. Speaking of balls, we'll get to that in a minute. But balls everywhere. There are balls everywhere around this house.
- [08:35]
C
Oh, yeah. Under the couch, behind the plant, the wherever.
- [08:40]
A
I find them in the dishwasher, I find them stuck in the dog's ass. I mean, I find these balls fucking everywhere. I really do find them everywhere. And so anytime they ask us, it's like we tried to put him away in a corner one time, like in a closet. And my son found it in lickety split seconds. He had like a ball detector on him. He was like, where are those balls? Let me go sniff those things out. And he found them. And then they cry and they whine and they want the balls and set up the fort and do the whole thing. And then they don't even play with them. We have more toys than we know what to do with. So we're trying to teach him a lesson this year. This is what we said to him. I said, hey, kids, listen. There are so many children on this earth who never get to play with any of these kind of toys for whatever circumstances. And of course, my kids are in that why stage. So they're like, why? And I'm like, well, some parents can't afford to buy their children toys, you know, and it's really important that if we have more than we actually need, let's. Let's go ahead and let's give some of these away.
- [09:38]
C
Yeah. Share the wealth.
- [09:41]
A
I want to see my toys. I like my toys. I want my toys. It's like, guys, you have 6,000 Eminef and mother freaking toys in this one room. You play with none of them because you find that a screwdriver or an empty electrical socket is the best thing to play with. That's right. Or we just had a whole meltdown about a stick that is certainly going to poke someone's eye out. Right? But. But hold on. So I. I just. This one child says, I want a stick. I need this stick. I get this stick. So I lift her up. I said, hey, look, all these toys are here. Look, you get so many toys. They're sticks. They're just not of the same shape and size and, you know, pokiness as the other one. Can't you just play with one of these?
- [10:25]
C
I need the stick.
- [10:27]
A
Why do you need this frozen? What does it have to do with frozen? And make the ice with it? No, you don't make the ice with it. There's no real ice.
- [10:34]
C
She was using it as a wand.
- [10:36]
A
As a wand to make frozen. Well, you got 50 fucking thousand frozen toys. Go play with the frozen. Like this.
- [10:41]
C
Dig?
- [10:42]
A
The stick makes ice. It doesn't make ice. It makes bloody eyeballs is what it makes. It makes ambulances show up at the house is what it makes. It makes my deductible go through the roof. That's what it makes. Stop it. Stop with the toys. Can you please? That's how I've gathered the children around. Hey, kids, let's. Let's go ahead. Let's give some of these toys away. Let's do that. You pick the toys. Yeah, you pick the toys. But let's give a fair amount of toy soon. So you know what I get? I get all the shoes that don't fit, that we can't find the dolls, too. I get the broken glasses that go on the, you know, whatever, the Toy Story thing. I get the hat from Woody, I some pine needles from my fake tree. I get those in the box and I'm like. Or I get somebody else's toys. You know what I'm saying? So one of my kids is bringing the toys of the other kid and putting it in the box. The other kid's throwing a fit and she's like, these toys? And I'm like, those are not your toys. Those are somebody else's toys. They're for the kids. They're for that kid, not for you. You try and teach these kids lessons. It's just like, they don't get it. And I don't understand. I mean, they're five. Don't they know? Don't they understand? That's like my one wish is that at least once a day for 15 minutes, we could have like a, like a moment of clarity. Like if I had one, if I had a genie and I could rub a lamp from its belly. I got blue, I could rub her belly and she's still barking. Me, I wish I could have, like rub the lamp, had this genie come down. And the genie says, okay, what are your three wishes? And I would say, number one, can this stupid podcast make some money? Number two, number two, I want an extra two hours of sleep each day. But number three, what I would really like is 15 minutes in which that 15 minute period of time each day. My children were kids with the mind of a 45 year old. Do you know what I'm saying? So I could reason with them, so I could logic with them whether we could hash it out out in a way that I know how to communicate. Not. And I mean, some people might argue I don't know how to communicate, but that's a different story for a marriage therapist. Now listen, I just want my children to be able to understand the words that I'm telling them in the way they're intended to say. Because you say you're taking toys away and it is like literally, like a punishment. Yes. It's like a cult. Like they have to go to for a colonoscopy. And it's like, guys, we are five in, in six and four and one and zero and how many of our kids I have, don't you guys want to do something good for other children? And literally this is the response that I get. I do not want to do anything good for other children. You be poopoo poo. I knew from the second that I met that ugly mug of yours you're gonna be taking things away from me. Now, dad, listen, this is how it's gonna go. You're gonna give me an American Express, I'm gonna go to Target and I'm gonna have three hours to get whatever I want. No, no, you're not. I want to. Okay, you can go for 15 minutes. Three hours, 20 minutes. Three hours, half an hour. Three hours or I will shit myself in that Target and I will literally sit there and scream and yell and my daddy doesn't change my diaper. Okay, three hours. But you can only spend $3,000. I'll spend what I want, thank you very much. Just Remember, baby, Dante's a little. That's what he is. I just want that 15 minutes. I just want to be able to communicate with my kids like a regular adult does. You know what I'm saying, Chrissy?
- [14:20]
C
I do. I do. But you got adult children, so you know very much.
- [14:24]
A
Can you reason with them? Can you reason with those kids?
- [14:27]
C
Yes.
- [14:27]
A
Okay, that's good.
- [14:28]
C
The reasoning comes.
- [14:29]
A
So. So there is hope in the future that I might be able to reason with my children. Yeah, for sure. If you could have anything for Christmas, like, anything. I'm talking like. Like, just knock it out of the park. What would you want? You know what? I want a private island. That's what I want. I want a private island. I were talking about. You would have a driver. Oh, yeah, I know you would have a driver. What happened to you?
- [14:54]
C
That's right.
- [14:55]
A
What happened to you?
- [14:56]
C
So that's why I texted you.
- [14:58]
A
I know, but I didn't get the whole story because we. We haven't talked in person. What happened?
- [15:03]
C
Ah, well, Atlanta traffic. It's just nuts. It's nuts.
- [15:06]
A
It's crazy.
- [15:07]
C
It's nuts.
- [15:08]
A
I mean, people are so angry and aggressive.
- [15:10]
C
Yes, yes. Cut and left. Here, there, everywhere. There's five bricks. I see on the way.
- [15:15]
A
I know.
- [15:15]
C
It takes me 30 minutes to get here. No problem. Breeze right on up. Yeah, the way home, it's a whole different story because, you know, traffic starts at, like, 2.
- [15:25]
A
Yeah. It doesn't stop. What do you mean? It starts. It started in 1989 and it hasn't stopped. Yeah.
- [15:32]
C
So anyways, Waze always kind of takes me on a different way.
- [15:34]
A
Sure.
- [15:35]
C
So I'm like, okay. And then, you know, it tells me to take one way, and I'm. There's, you know, in Atlanta, on this certain stretch of the connector, as they call it here, there's. How many lanes would you say?
- [15:46]
A
Oh, it's 10. No, there's 12 on each side. It's like a 24 lane, 12 lane.
- [15:51]
C
So the ways is telling me to go one way, and I'm. I'm in that left lane. I'm all the way over. Because I know this. I know where it goes and how it works. And I'm gonna go around the traffic that's going on that side and blah, blah, blah, blah. Last minute, it like, all of a sudden says, never mind. Get off, and I'm. And it's all the way on the right.
- [16:07]
A
Oh, Lord.
- [16:08]
C
Like, I can't cross all of this.
- [16:11]
A
Well, you can. Lots of people do. They're also known as assholes.
- [16:14]
C
Like, no, I'm just going to stay on the chart that I was on. Well, good for me. Except then it's taking me down. And there were these buses, like these college buses, like the Georgia State buses.
- [16:25]
A
Yeah.
- [16:26]
C
And it was winding me kind of around through this part of town that has these buses lined up. Well, one was kind of jutting out to the side and, you know, kind of at a weird little angle. So I went around it and then all of a sudden, as I'm going around it, it's like starts up and then kind of like all of a sudden I hear, boom.
- [16:43]
A
Oh, you're kidding me. He just pulled out right in front of you or right inside of you?
- [16:47]
C
Yes. Like, oh, my God.
- [16:50]
A
Oh, no.
- [16:52]
C
So, yeah, everything was okay. I couldn't stop at that point. It was. There was too much traffic around.
- [16:58]
A
Yeah, you know, you're stressed out that you. You gotta go.
- [17:00]
C
Yeah. And I was like, what is this looking like when I get home, Whatever. And there was a little scratch there, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. But this is why I would have the driver.
- [17:10]
A
Oh, my God, Chrissy. Holy shit. So he just pulled out right in front of you and you just kept going.
- [17:17]
C
Side.
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A
You just kept going?
- [17:19]
C
Yeah, well, because there were all these lanes of traffic that were still coming.
- [17:23]
A
Well, I hear you. And if it wasn't your fault, then, you know, who really fucking cares? You deal with it. Right? I mean, listen, I also did this one time driving. First meeting. Well, I mean, excuse me. First meeting with. The first meeting with this company that I used to work for. I got into a horrible car wreck with him. We spun around, we hit another car. A truck hit us. It was a terrible, terrible car wreck where luckily no one was seriously injured, but should have been, could have been. And then that was the time the guy told me to hide the gun. Remember? I was with my boss, we went to a meeting. We're on our way back from the meeting, and the guy is driving like a total. Because that's how he drives. I was literally scared shitless to drive with this guy. He also did this whole number where he pulled over 12 lanes. He's like, oh, I'm missing the exit. You know, he just. He just went for it and he hit a truck. And then the truck came swinging back around, hit another car, then another truck hit us. It was terrible. We get out, I'm in a daze. I'm like, oh, my God, what just happened? Am I alive? Am I bloody? What happened? You know, Airbags, the whole nine yards. The guy gets out of the car, he's like, hey, I need you to do me a favor. No. How are you doing? Everything okay? And I'm like, what? And he's like, there's a gun in the console. Put it in your bag. Put it in your computer bag. And I'm like, I'm not gonna put your fucking gun in my computer bag. Are you insane? Are you insane? I've been working for this company for one week. You think I'm gonna go to jail with a gun for you? And he's like, I can't be caught with this gun. I'm like, well, that makes me more concerned. Why can't you be caught with this gun? Okay, you got a gun? Tell the guy you got a gun. I don't know. Do they usually check cars when they get into accidents? No, not unless you've been drinking or driving. Like, they're not gonna go through your car. Just there. Tell them somebody else. Tell them when you got hit by the truck. The truck. The truck driver threw it in there. Close the door. This. So there were two bosses in this company. In the second boss, the very first meeting that I went to, I'm driving my soon to be wife's car. And it's an Audi. It's like an Audi A6. It's a nice car, you know, And I took it so I can impress the boss. So I have to drive in this shit. And me, of course, he was driving a bicycle. I didn't even have a driver's license. License. But little did he know, neither did I. I also did not have a driver's license. That's a different story for a different day. But they had taken it away from.
- [19:40]
C
A valid driver's license.
- [19:41]
A
No, they decided I couldn't drive for probably good reasons. But anyway, so we're getting off an exit, and as we get off the exit, I realize I'm not in the right exit. So I have not even pulled all the way into the exit lane yet. I'm like straddling the lane.
- [19:55]
C
Yeah.
- [19:56]
A
When I realize I gotta swerve back a little bit to the left because I gotta go one exit down. And when I swerve back the TR18 wheeler with one of those studs on his tire, you know what I'm talking about? Like, where the lug nuts go? But some of the trucks, they put these studs on there, and I think they do it to just kill people. I'm not even really sure why they do it, but this Thing tore, oh, all the way down the driver's side. And you could literally see outside. You could see outside. He tore a hole in the door so deep that you could. You could see daylight coming through. It was the craziest noise I've ever heard. Scariest thing. And I felt like as he was tearing through the car, I kind of got stuck against him, right? So there's nothing I could do. But then eventually I disconnected from him and I managed to swerve off the exit because I was like, oh, we gotta stop. Well, that truck kept on plowing. He did not even hit the brakes. He was just like, I'm going. See you later. He must have felt it. He must have felt it, but he just kept on going. And I was like, well, I guess I'll keep on going too. And considering I don't have a driver's license, it's probably a wise idea to.
- [21:02]
C
Just keep going because daylight streaming through your door.
- [21:08]
A
My former mother in law, she was so sweet. She's like, well, it's just a car. And I'm like, It's an Audi A6. Like, let's be real about it. It's not just a car. It's a really expensive car. Well, that's why we have insurance. Unfortunately, you're not insured. Because I'm also not a Dr. Driver. A licensed driver. Well, Brian, you've just managed to make this whole situation miserable. I was just gonna say, it's okay, hon. I was like, okay, let's do that.
- [21:31]
C
Yeah, let's go back to that.
- [21:32]
A
Yeah, so we went back to that and everything's good. When in doubt, hide your feelings. That's all I gotta say. Kids, it's the. Any therapist will tell you when in doubt.
- [21:40]
C
Shut down.
- [21:41]
A
Yeah, shove them down. Hey, let's take a quick break and then I'll get back to talking about more balls. I'd love to tell you about my balls just as soon as we get back from this break.
- [21:56]
B
Okay. You're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at tcb. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid too? You know you do. Leave a message for her or me or Chrissy at 212-43332. TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show too. Just call and say something, anything. Or text us and we'll text you right back. Promise. Then head over to tcbpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker and we must abide. You get the point? Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and watch all the episodes on video at YouTube.com/the commercial break. Best to you and Astrid. Especially Astrid.
- [22:50]
A
This episode is sponsored by our longtime sponsor, Squarespace. I am working on a new project information tbd. It's very secretive. It's very hush hush around here because you know, podcast secrets are a thing. Anywho, there is only one all in one website tool that's designed to help my new project stand out and be successful. And that one tool is Squarespace. Squarespace can help me through every step of the process. The launch, the scaling, the branding, and the growth, no matter what part of the journey I am on. Squarespace is an all in one website platform, so it'll cater to my needs every step of the way. There are so many benefits services and tools built into Squarespace, I would need a 10 minute commercial to name them all. Cutting edge design, search engine optimization tools, domain management, analytics, email campaigns, the ability to host videos, and most importantly, the ability to get paid. So if you've been thinking about building or upgrading your website, now's the time to head to squarespace.com commercial for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, make sure to use the offer code commercial to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. That's squarespace.com commercial. Then be sure to use the code commercial when you're ready to launch. Squarespace has been with the commercial break for a long time, and we have been with Squarespace for even longer. This is a company we trust. It's a product we use. And there's one overarching reason why it makes my life easier. Go build yourself a beautiful website squarespace.com commercial and thank you to Squarespace for being a sponsor of the commercial break. What's up guys?
- [24:30]
B
It's Candace Dillard Bassett, former Real Housewife of Potomac.
- [24:34]
A
And I'm Michael Arsenault, author of the New York Times bestseller I Can't Date Jesus. And this is Undomesticated, the podcast where we aren't just saying the quiet parts out loud.
- [24:43]
B
We're putting it all on the kitchen table and inviting you to the function. If you're ready for some bold takes and a little bit of chaos, welcome to Undomesticated. Follow and listen to Undomesticated, available wherever you get your podcasts. September is behind us and the school year is in full swing. By October, it's clear where kids might be struggling. IXL helps your child build on what they've learned so far and stay confident through the fall. IXL pinpoints those tricky areas and gives them extra practice before small gaps turn into bigger roadblocks. IXL is an award winning online learning platform that helps kids truly understand what they're learning, whether they're brushing up on math or diving into social studies. It covers math, language arts, science and social studies from Pre K through 12th grade. With content that's engaging, personalized, and yes, actually fun. It's the perfect tool to keep learning going without making it feel like school. One subscription gets you everything. One site for all the kids in your home Pre K through 12th grade. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now and listeners of this podcast can get an exclusive 20% off IXL membership when they sign up today. Visit ixlearning.comaudio to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price.
- [26:03]
A
Hey, I wanted to mention, did you hear about this baseball player, this Japanese baseball player who, who got offered $700 million?
- [26:13]
C
I was like, what?
- [26:14]
A
I thought baseball was in a bit of a slump. Like people weren't watching it anymore. I love baseball, by the way, and especially love it when it comes to the. The boys of fall. Like, yeah, I love watching postseason baseball. And living in Atlanta, you get a lot of postseason baseball here, right? So it's exciting almost every year. But $700 million money? Does a one man really bring that much revenue to the front door? I guess it must make some kind of roi, right?
- [26:42]
C
Somehow they've worked out the math.
- [26:44]
A
Million dollars a year. I mean, this guy, good for this guy, good for him. Who knew you could just make that much money for throwing balls and strikes, you know what I'm saying? I think he's. Is he a pitcher? I don't know if he's a pitcher. Is he a pitcher? I don't think he is. I don't think he's a pitcher.
- [27:03]
C
No. It's a lot of. It's like the highest thing, right?
- [27:06]
A
It's the highest. Shohei Otani signed with the Dodgers on Saturday for the biggest total contract in sports history with 20 million to 30 million in deferred money every season. Here's a look at how it stacks up against other big money deals. Show High. Got 10 years, $700 million. Messi, last time he signed, got $674 million for four years. Holy shit. Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo got $536 million for two and a half years. What in the good fuck?
- [27:42]
C
Yeah. I mean, that's just so much money, you don't even know what to do with it.
- [27:45]
A
You have no idea, Chrissy. You have no. We have no idea. We'll never know this kind of money, will we? No, I think we'd have to be on episode like 1,000,644 to even get in the million dollar range, let alone the 700 million dollar range or. Christiana Cristiano Ronaldo is making right at about $180 million a year. $200 million a year, Chrissy, that is insane money. Run around a field, kick a ball. Yeah, God damn. I picked the wrong.
- [28:15]
C
I know I picked the wrong body.
- [28:17]
A
To show up in. You know what I'm saying? I show up in this, like, weak, Irish sickly body just craggling along. Cristiano Ronaldo is my same age, making $200 million a year, kicking some ball down the field. God damn it. What are you thinking, Brian? Next time you come back, come back as one of those sports guys, you know, Tiger woods type or whatever. Tiger woods clearly has made more money, I think, than Christian. I don't know. Who fucking knows? They all make a billion dollars. And all we're asking is to support the commercial break with a small donation to our GoFundMe page. And you know, I'd take one tenth of that salary, 1/10 of that salary, send it our way, and we could be making episodes till we die. Yeah, if someone would just give me $5.36 million. You know what I'm saying?
- [29:02]
C
We'll keep cranking them out.
- [29:03]
A
Hey, listen, are you hearing me, podcast universe? I'm willing to work for you like the little I am, for just a small amount of money. Speaking of little, I guess we're not having any more little bitches because I did it. I went and got the big V. My V day. My V day was last week. And I went and got those little snap, snap, little tubes, tied my twigs and berries. They're still in contact. Fact, they're meaning they're still relatively close to each other. But I gotta tell you, I. I didn't know what to expect. I know Jeff had had this and Jeff, very sweet, by the way. He's like the guy who contacted me the most. I know.
- [29:40]
C
I told him about it and he in then he was like, I'll be the lifeline. I'll be his. He did really honestly, his brother in Arms.
- [29:49]
A
It was really releasing the brother and nuts. Dd cantors are forever tied together. Yeah. So I went, got a vasect. And it's been long planned, and I put it off a couple of times, but I finally got around to it. And I'll tell you what, I don't know what I expected to expect, but I. I think the whole process was a little surreal and very strange. So the guy tells me when I first go in to see him, I go in to see him for some. For a checkup, right, A prostate checkup. Because, you know, I'm a guy of a certain age and you got to check those things out. And I have a history of prostate cancer in my family. So I go and I see him and then as just like a throwaway line, you know, just kind of make friends with the guy, by the way. Way the guy. Not that this matters, but it'll become funny later. It doesn't matter to me that he's gay, but he's gay, right? Okay. He's got a. He's got a partner. He told me this while we were having a conversation, while he was holding my balls. So while he's holding my balls as just kind of like a throwaway line to make small talk, you know, while someone's checking out your testicles.
- [30:47]
C
A little nervous chatter.
- [30:48]
A
Yeah, a little nervous chatter. Cold hands, the whole nine yards. And by the way, I got. My doctor goes in, he raw dogs it. No, no plastic gloves. He washes up. And then he just goes for it. He says, I, you know, I feel better with my. Without the Glo. I said, hey, listen, you know, you're the professional. You do you, you do you. At least you wash your hands. Most people have touched my balls, did not wash their hands beforehand. So I do appreciate that. So I say, hey, well, what about a vasectomy, doc? And he says, oh, you want to get a vasectomy? I've been done a couple thousand of those. You know, my, my career here, I, I know how to do that. We can do that 15 minute procedure. Yeah, I said 15 minutes. He goes, 15 minute procedure. He goes, the procedure is 15 minutes. You might be there for an hour. He says, listen, I do this thing, I give you something called Pronox. It's something some people have, some people don't, but I give you a pronox. He's ever had laughing gas at the doctor at the dentist? Oh, yeah. I don't go to the dentist unless I get laughing gas. It's the way they get me in the front Door, Right. They say, hey, you want to get high for a couple hours? Sure, no problem. I'll go. So I said, oh, really? And he goes, yeah, but the difference is, at the dentist, you get that little nose thing. Well, the gas is leaking out all over the place. You don't really get deep breaths. You know, sometimes your nose is stuffy, like. He goes, it's. And they only turn it on a certain amount. He's like, they don't give you the good stuff. They just kind of give you some stuff to relax you. Right, right. He's like, here. The Pronox is a revolutionary way of doing nitrous oxide. I don't think anything's revolutionary about nitrous oxide. Hippies have been doing it since the 60s. I mean, I don't think there's anything really revolutionary. But what he says is that I get to hold this tube that I put in my mouth and I suck as I feel it necessary.
- [32:22]
C
Oh, okay.
- [32:23]
A
It's got a little bite on it, so you can bite down. And I guess, basically the thought is, if you should lose consciousness, the procedure. The thing will fall out of your mouth, right?
- [32:33]
C
Yeah.
- [32:34]
A
So you won't be in any kind of danger. Because I do know when I've been to the dentist, I've. I've said, hey, hey, I don't think this is working because I don't feel like it. Maybe it's just my constitution from years of narcotic abuse, but I'm like, I'm not really feeling it. And my dentist. Yeah, exactly. And my diet. My dentist always says. She says, listen, if I turn it up, and I'm happy to, if you want me to, you're paying the bill. If I turn it up. Up, I have to have someone stand here with you, because I guess that, you know, I guess you can get too much nitrous oxide. Like that one time, my friend did Freon and landed in a tv. But. Which is like, nitrous oxide just deprives your brain of oxygen, essentially. So I say, oh, okay, great. You know, he goes, listen, it's. It's great. You control it, and that way we don't have to worry. And all this other stuff. I said, okay, sign me up for the pro.
- [33:16]
C
Let's do it.
- [33:16]
A
Whatever. 100 bucks. 100 bucks. I said, that's like two years of commercial break episodes. But I'm going to go for. For it.
- [33:22]
C
Splurge.
- [33:22]
A
Yeah. So Big Day shows up, and he says, oh, and the good news is you can drive. Like, I don't have to give you any kind of like, you know, Xanax or anything like that to settle you down. I just have this pronox. It's okay. Great. So day arrives. I show up at the little surgical center. I'm there and as I'm walking down this like really long, non descript hallway, there is a lady, an older lady, pushing a man, an even older man in a wheelchair. Chrissy, I'm guessing 90, that's my guess, 90. And she's pushing him in a wheelchair, but she's like looking around and swerving him all around. I'm walking down this hallway and I say, oh, you looking for the urologist? And she says, yeah, I can't see that on the door, whatever. And I said, oh, yeah, I'm looking for the same thing. Let me. If I find it, I'll let you know. So I turn a couple corners and I find it. And that's why I run back to the hallway. I said, hey, right down here, you know. And then I go and I help give this guy a push into the office of you. And of course, you know, last good deed before last good deed is I'm sealing up my ceiling of my penis from additional pain and suffering of children, which is not my pain and suffering, by the way. It's astros. I just have to deal with giving the toys away. So I push him in there, I roll him in there. 90, 90, right. He is in bad shape. I mean, his hair is all over the place. He looks like a 90 year old man, is what he looks like. A typical 90 year old man in a wheelchair, slippers, pajama pants, you know what I'm saying? The whole night yard. So she goes in, she's checking this guy, and then, you know, he's small waiting room, and we all sit down and we're writing down the papers and. And she says, do you think I have enough time to go park the car? She says this to the old man and he's like, ah, I got to go park the car. I got to go park the car. All right? And then she says to the lady, do I have enough time to go park the car? And the lady goes, yeah, he's getting a vasectomy. So he, you really don't need to be here in this office. Like you can go and we'll push him back and all that other stuff. And I'm thinking to myself, this motherfucker's getting a vasectomy. For what fucking reason would this 90 year old need a vasectomy? Me. He can't even put his slippers all the way on. He's gonna be some people and making babies. What is the point?
- [35:25]
C
Well, wasn't it Charlie Chaplin, Charlie Jefford, way late. Yeah.
- [35:32]
A
Oh, God, I just thought to myself, this poor bastard, he's 90 and someone's telling him he needs a vasectomy. He's either had a life that you cannot forget, like that kind of life you want to sit down and talk to him about, which I'm not sure he could communicate to you, or he's causing problems at the retirement home. He's running around chasing the nurses. You know what I'm saying? So I'm like, well, I guess I'm in good hands here. We got. Got a bunch of it. There's a couple other guys too, that are like my age, and I can only imagine they're there. We're at the surgical center. Right, but not the surgery. Not like a surgery room. A surgical center, sure. So this is. You're not getting your prostate taken out here. You're. You're getting your balls clipped. So I. They call my name. I go back there and you know, it's all female nurses that are running around here. And the lady comes in, she says, hey, what do.
- [36:16]
C
Did you do your exfoliation?
- [36:18]
A
Oh, Chrissy, I gotta tell you all, I did all the prep work. Yes, I did. I had done prep work a couple times now because I pushed it off a couple times. So my balls were already pretty, pretty clear.
- [36:30]
C
They're in good shape.
- [36:31]
A
They were in good shape. But I did need to do a freshen up on the razor, you know, So I take the same razor that I use for my face. Now I'm using for my balls. You know, it all makes much sense to me. I'm like. I thought to myself, I should probably change the razor. And I just shave my balls with this. But I shaved my balls, which is a very precarious task, I might add.
- [36:48]
C
You have to do it carefully.
- [36:50]
A
Yeah, your balls. It's like shaving Saran Wrap. Imagine you're shaving Saran Wrap. Saran Wrap. Saran Wrap. Hi, I'm Brian Green. So she comes in, she takes my blood pressure. She says, okay, now I'm gonna. I'm gonna listen closely because I'm gonna give you instructions. Before you get the Pronox, I'm going to give you instructions. Instructions. You can't get up out of bed. Try to stay in bed for at least two. If you can't do three, do three days. You can't lift anything over 10 pounds, which. There's nothing in this house that doesn't weigh at least ten pounds. And I'm like, okay. She's like, you can't lift over 10 pounds. If you can keep that for seven to 10 days. She goes, you're gonna have some discomfort afterwards. That's why we gave you some medicine. They gave. You know, they dole out the pain medicine now. Like it's. I don't know, like it's the last chocolate on earth. They're like, here's one tablet. Good luck, sir. And, you know, ice is your best friend. Ice on and off. Ice on and off. Every 20 minutes on, every 20 minutes off. Do that as often as you can, because that will really help the discomfort and the swelling. And I'm like, the swelling? You're gonna. I'm gonna have swelling? And she's like, it's possible. You're gonna have swelling. He's gonna go in there, he's gonna cut around. Like, there's some. There's gonna be some swelling. Okay, fine. No problem. She takes my blood pressure. It's through the fucking roof. Of course I'm sitting there with my huge Starbucks cup of coffee. My. My baba. I'm sitting there with my baba. Baba. Pe. Pe. Po. I cannot go anywhere without a glass of water or that Goddamn.
- [38:16]
C
I take water everywhere, too.
- [38:18]
A
I do, too. And I just look behind me and I left my water outside. So I know. Isn't that suck. That suck? We're in the middle of an episode, and you're thirsty, and you're like, I can't do this. I don't want to stop the whole episode. That's just a big pain in the ass. So I'm. I'm drinking this coffee. She's like, wow, your blood pressure's pretty. It's. It's not, like, super high, but it's elevated. So let me go talk to the doctor. And I'm like, no, no, don't talk. I don't. I don't want to do this a second time. Please, just.
- [38:41]
C
Just do this.
- [38:42]
A
Just do it. Yeah, just get this. Just get this over with. Like, I have this coffee. I'm a little bit nervous. I'm getting my balls chop. I don't know what to expect. And she says, okay, well, let's take it. I'm gonna give you five minutes. Let's take it a second time. Second to second time. It's a little bit lower. Okay. So they bring me into this room. She brings me to the room, and she says, okay, Mr. Green. It's like a little surgical room. Room, Right. And there's a table. But, Chrissy, that table is the size of this table. It's not a full bed. It's a half table. It's a table for either small people or small children. It's not a table for adults. If I lay with my head at the end of it, my ass is hanging off the bottom of it. You know what I'm saying? So she's like. She's like, okay, I need you to disrobe everything from the waist down. If you want to leave your socks on, leave your socks on. Of course I'm leave my socks on. Socks? Who the. What kind of animal do you think I am? I'm gonna walk around a surgery center with my bare feet? Come on, man. First of all. Second of all, I couldn't be in a more compromising position. Who the cares if I'm wearing socks? I don't give a.
- [39:38]
C
Your feet will be warm.
- [39:39]
A
That's right. My toes used to be warm. So I get. Get everything off, and I'm in my T shirt and in these things, and they give you this paper, thin piece of paper to put over you, right?
- [39:50]
C
Oh, yeah, it's the doctor paper.
- [39:52]
A
Yeah. So I put it over me, and I'm just, like, uncomfortably trying to sit on this thing. Trying to relax a little bit, but I can't. And I'm in one of those. I'm in one of those, like, weird, quizzical. What is the right thing to do here? I really want to use my phone because I know it's going to be 15 to 20 minutes before we actually get started. I really want to use my phone. My phone's all the way over there.
- [40:13]
C
Yeah. And you've already got yourself on the table. Yeah, I've got myself situated.
- [40:16]
A
Strangely situated on the table. So my balls are just hanging off the end of the table. I thought maybe that's how he was going to go in. I'd have to spread my legs and he'd just dangle my balls over the edge. Yeah. Like, you know, it's a mistletoe or something. I don't know. He's just gonna hang the mistletoe over the threshold and just get to it. So I'm like, okay, all right. Well, you know, but what I was really concerned about is what if the nurse comes in? And here I am, Jimmy, jamming all around the surgery room.
- [40:49]
C
Just with socks.
- [40:51]
A
And a T shirt on. Yeah.
- [40:52]
C
Your phone.
- [40:53]
A
Yeah. What if I'm, like, bending over to get My phone on the chair. And she comes in and then she sees my balls from the back. Is that the way they go in? Do I have to lay over the table? I'm wondering. I don't know. I don't see any stirrups. So I took that as a good sign that I didn't have to put my legs or anything.
- [41:09]
C
It is curious.
- [41:10]
A
It is curious, yes. I don't know why. I still got no answers to this, but eventually they pulled out a little thing so I could extension. Yeah, but it's short enough that the only thing you can do is stick your legs up on it. Like you're. Like you're on a. Like you're in stirrups.
- [41:25]
C
Yeah.
- [41:26]
A
So I'm like, okay, the phone, Brian, you know, 15 minutes in your goddamn adult life, you can just stare at the ceiling, right? And I can hear the gas going right next to me. So I'm like, pretty soon they give me gas and I won't need the phone. It's probably best that I don't have the phone actually, now that they're going to give me nitrous. So I'm sitting there, little piece of paper over me, my twigs and berries, just, you know, just one thin piece of paper away from show the world. And of course, you know, I go into instant massage mode. Like, please don't get a boner. Please don't get a boner. Please don't get a boner. Why I would get a boner, I don't know. But please don't let it happen here.
- [41:56]
C
Yeah.
- [41:57]
A
And so just as I'm talking myself out of yet into a boner, the lady comes in. You know what I'm saying? I'm talking about it so much.
- [42:04]
C
It's happening.
- [42:05]
A
Yeah. Just as I'm getting a little softy, I'm like, okay. I keep on adjusting in my seat, by the way. I'm so unconscious. Uncomfortable. This might be a short episode of the commercial break. Yeah. So. So the lady that's the first lady was just a lady. She was just a lady, nondescript lady. She came in, she was taking my blood pressure. Very nice. Sweet, Obviously efficient at her job. The second nurse who came in, well, of course, you know, you've got nurse Pamela Anderson walks in the door saying, nurse lipa dua. Lipa. Dr. Lipa comes in and she's like, hello, I'm going to be your nurse today. And I'm like, okay, great, fantastic. And she's like, so what we're gonna do first is let's Go ahead. And we're going to start the Pronox for you.
- [42:51]
B
And.
- [42:52]
A
And if you feel any discomfort at any time, you just take a deeper breath. She's like, the more you breathe in very deeply out through your nose, the better you're going to feel. Okay, you got it? And I'm like, okay, I got it. Yeah, I got it. I've been to a few Fish concerts. I know. I know how to do nitrous.
- [43:06]
C
I'm excited here. Let's go. Where's your.
- [43:08]
A
Do you have a balloon I could use? I gotta get the second hand. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to waste any of it. So she goes on. She grabs a little thing. She puts on a new thing. She says, hey, okay, you hold this to your mouth. If you want to just bite on it, you can just keep it in like that. She goes, but, you know, kind of hold it. And that way, if anything happens, it'll just drop out of your mouth. Like, if you get a little bit too much nitrous oxide, it'll just drop out your mouth. Yeah. I'm like, can you tape it to my mouth? Is that possible?
- [43:34]
C
I know, right?
- [43:35]
A
I just wanted it taped to my mouth, out. So it's this tube. And I. She's like, give. She goes, give me five, ten good, deep, deep breaths. And I'm like, of course. I'm like, this ain't working. This ain't working. This ain't working. This ain't working. This ain't working. I'm in a different zip code.
- [43:54]
C
All of a sudden, it's working.
- [43:56]
A
I'm in a new zip code. Yeah. Chrissy, did it hit. It hit hard. It hit hard. Man. Man, tunnel vision. Zaza, Zuzu, wah, wah, wah, wee wee. The whole nine yards. I was out. I was gone. I was in a different human. I was a different human being. I loved it. I was so high. I mean, higher than I've ever been at any dentist's office. Higher than I've ever been at Eddie Fish concert.
- [44:22]
C
Like, I've got to get one of these.
- [44:24]
A
They sell it right across the street. The only thing I could think of when I was high was, I gotta go across the street and get me one of these. And then I thought it'd be a little weird if I was running out to the pool shed every 15 minutes. Came back stumbling. Yeah. My kids might take notice. Chrissy, this Pronox shit, I'm telling you what it is the jam. If you ever get a vasectomy or if you're just looking to get high, get a vasectomy, ask for the pronox. You know what I'm saying? So they give me this pronox, and I am sucking. And all I keep telling myself while I'm sucking, even though I'm in this tunnel vision, black hole, K hole down in the. I'm down with. I'm down in Middle Earth right now. Even though I'm down in Middle Earth, the only thing my brain keeps saying is, keep on breathing deep. Keep on breathing deep. I'm not going to get higher. Yeah. So I'm breathing, and then I don't understand what's going on because I'm really just concentrating on how up I am.
- [45:12]
C
Had the doctor come in.
- [45:14]
A
The lady is still in the room. This feels like 30 minutes. It's been 30 seconds. And she's like, are you feeling it now? And I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm feeling it a little bit. She's like, it looks like it. Okay, I'm gonna get you prepped now. And I was like, okay, what is that? And off goes the little thing. She just, like, rips it off. She's like. Like she's unveiling a new car on Christmas Day to the disappointment of everybody. It's a Mazda Miata from 1997. She was looking for a Range Rover. She got a Mazda Miata or a Honda Accord with no hood. You know, probably wasn't. So she just rips it off. There's no one else in the room. I thought that was, like, not a thing. I thought you had to have other people in the room when you were, like, touching somebody's private parts. I don't know. I guess that's the way they did that to me before. Well, I've never gotten to the sex of me before either. But I've had people touch my nuts, and I usually. I think it usually is, like, if you're someone of the opposite sex, there's some rule that she wasn't adhering to. But whatever, whatever. When you're so. I know why she gave me the pronox first, right? She's like, it, I'm gonna touch this guy's dick. He's gonna be high as. He ain't gonna care. Well, I probably wouldn't have cared in the first place, but let's be high as fuck. Anyway. So she rips it off, and then she starts fondling the twigs and berries. You know what I'm saying? I say fondle. She wasn't fondling. She was being very Professional.
- [46:38]
C
Lifting and checking.
- [46:40]
A
She's like, I gotta clear. I gotta clear out the tubes one more time. Hope you don't mind. Take a deep breath for me. Me. She was being very professional about it, right to the point where she was, like, grabbing the head. The twig with her fingertips, you know?
- [46:56]
C
Okay.
- [46:56]
A
Which. That's how most women have grabbed my penis with the fingertips. There's not much to it. So she grabs it. She makes sure it's in the right place. Then she tapes it to my stomach. Oh, she tapes my twig. Yeah, she flipped it up, taped it there. And now I'm thinking to myself in Middle Earth in a different zip code, please don't get a boner. Please don't get a boner. Please don't get a boner. I was like, oh, no. And. And then. Chrissy, I. I've never taken an ice bath. I'm not one of those guys. I hate cold showers. I'm not one of those guys. The only time I've been in really, really cold water is when I was jumping in after Nico when he blindly just ran into the pool when it was middle of January. That's the only time I've had that sensation.
- [47:46]
C
I know. I admire the people that like to do those plunge.
- [47:49]
A
I love things.
- [47:50]
C
They always look really fit, too. And I'm like, maybe that's it.
- [47:53]
A
Yeah, maybe that's it. Or maybe you have to beef it in order to do that, in which case that's probably unlikely to happen. And the truth is, I love watching those people take those ice baths from YouTube. I do not want to do it myself. I have no interest in being around cold water. Water. So you know what happens next? I'll tell you right after this break. Sorry, I know I gotta leave a little cliffhanger for you. Okay, so let's take a short break, and then I'll finish my story about how my twigs and berries got disconnected in just one moment.
- [48:28]
B
I've got an idea. Sometimes my ideas land me in jail. But who's keeping records? Why don't you text us and we can text back and then you can text us and reply, then so on. It's a fun little game I've been playing, and I think you'll be great at it. 212-4333. TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You could leave a message too. If you do, maybe you'll end up being the voice of the show. But be warned, the pay is not great. You could go to the website and drop us an email. Also tcbpodcast.com and while you're there, you can get a free sticker. Who doesn't want a free sticker? Just go to the contact us button and ask for one. Follow us on Insta at the commercial break and watch the episodes@YouTube.com the commercial break. Now I'm gonna go back to that texting game you want to play. Come on. Bye. Thank you for calling the Bombas comfort line. Bombas make socks, slippers, tees, and underwear made with the highest quality materials. Press 1 for comfort, 2 for style, 3 for a donation. You chose style. Bombas is styles for whatever you enjoy. You can run in Bombas, lounge in Bombas, dress them up, dress them down, but always give back in Bombas because with every item purchased, another is donated. Bombas Comfort. Worth calling for. Go to bombas.com audio and use code audio for 20% off your first purchase. That's B O-M-B-A-.com and use code audio. When did making plans get this complicated? It's time to streamline with WhatsApp, the secure messaging app that brings the whole group together. Use polls to settle dinner plans. Send event invites and pin messages so no one forgets mom 60th and never miss a meme or milestone. All protected with end to end encryption. It's time for WhatsApp message privately with everyone. Learn more at WhatsApp.com the new Popeyes.
- [50:21]
A
And Hot Ones menu is the definition of fire flavor. We've got the sizzling Sriracha Dipper. 10 out of 10. Time to take it up a notch with the smoking Rojo chicken sandwich. Mmm, that's so hot. But it's so good. Now onto the daring dab Ghost wings. Yep, there it is. I love the spice level attempt the Popeyes and Hot Ones menu in stores. Our hottest collaboration yet. Love that chicken from Popeyes. Limited time in participating US Restaurants. Okay, so. So cold water, cold liquid is not my thing. I don't like it. I don't want it anywhere near my body. I'm just not. I'm just really.
- [50:59]
C
You don't want to dip your balls in it?
- [51:00]
A
No. So she says at one point, okay, I'm gonna put some iodine on you. Is that iodine that they put? That red stuff? Yeah. Okay. She says, I'm gonna put some iodine on you. I can't even understand what she's saying because I'm so wawa in my head. But she's like, I'm gonna put some Iodine on you. This may feel cold. Maybe may feel cold, May feel cold. I have never in my life felt something so cold as the washcloth full of iodine that she was rubbing all over the shaft of my penis. It was so cold. And even as high as I was, it felt disturbing to me. But then the next thing that she did surprised me even more. She took the bottle of iodine and she poured it all over me. Like, all over my crotch. Just dumped it on my crotch. It went directly into my. My. Into my nether hole, you know what I'm saying? Directly into my happy anus, to which I just puckered right up. I was like, oh. And she was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And the only thing that I could think is, I'm Brian Green from the commercial break. This is a perfect time for a joke. So I said, it's okay. I just don't know how you look at a penis any other way after you get out of work. And she says, how do you know it's penises that I like?
- [52:17]
C
There you go.
- [52:18]
A
And then she goes, it's just medical to me. It's like an organ, you know? It's just another organ. I see so many of them, so many shapes and sizes. And I was like, how does mine add up? And she goes, not gonna go there. The doctor will be in in a minute, right? It's like, ah. I'm not doing an episode of the commercial break. As I had suspected earlier in my. In my no. 2 induced colonies coma, I must have been sitting in that room for 10, 15 minutes. I mean, no one in there. I am just breathing as heavily as I can. Iodine. The iodine smell. It's so cold. It's in my. It's all over my legs. It's everywhere. I'm so dis. I'm so uncomfortable. But I managed to take enough deep breaths that I get out of that zone. And now I'm just right back to my happy place. I'm at a fish concert. Dibbity Dabs, Zingy Zingers. You know, Trey's gonna come out and play something. I don't know. Goose. You know the new band Goose?
- [53:13]
C
Oh, yeah.
- [53:13]
A
Oh, yeah. Goose. I feel like I'm at a Goose concert. That's what I feel like. So finally I hear a knock at the door, Mr. Green. And I'm like, come in. Yeah. Who else would it be? What? And by the way, you know, I'm naked from the waist down. Why are you knocking on the door with your penis? Yeah, with. My penis is taped to my belly button. Why in the world the most uncomfortable position of my life.
- [53:38]
C
I'm so confused. In the short table for you.
- [53:41]
A
I don't know. But when he came in, he pulled it. Yes. I'm just like, hey, my ass is just, like, hanging over. I got my legs down on this little holdy uppy thing, all right? And I'm high as a fucking kite. Yeah. The whole thing is just weird. So he comes in and he's like, okay, you know, I'm really sorry. I'm. I was running late. I had a little thing to deal with. And I'm like, I hope you're not, like, having a bad day. You know what I'm saying? A little thing to deal with. Deal with. Haven't you. Isn't that what you do for a living is deal with little things? Here's a little thing you can deal with. But I'm thinking to myself, take your time there, doc. Take your time. I'm enjoying the ride over here.
- [54:11]
C
Yeah.
- [54:11]
A
And he says, okay, I'm gonna dope you up with a little. It's kind of like Novocaine for the skin. It's, you know, whatever. Just lidocaine. Yeah. Not Lidocaine. So he starts sticking a needle into my balls.
- [54:22]
C
Wow.
- [54:22]
A
Needle, needle, needle, needle. Probably 12 times. Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot. I don't care how much. No, two, you're on. When someone starts sticking a needle in your dick, you know about it. You know what I'm saying? Well aware. Yes, I had. Was definitely what's going on in my brain. Someone's touching your penis in an uncomfortable way. You may be high, but just be aware things are. May not be going well down there. This is not the sensation we're used to. So he starts sticking this needle in, and then he's like, okay, I'm gonna give it about five minutes to warm up. So just keep on breathing. Remember, the deeper you breathe, the. Everybody in this office is geared toward getting you as high as possible. They're all saying the same thing. And I'm. By the way, I'm all for it. Yeah. If you're going to pay $100 for the nitrous oxide and you want it to work, go ahead and suck that baby down as hard as you can.
- [55:12]
C
Get it in.
- [55:12]
A
Yeah, I mean, I have a regulator on there. You know, there's some kind of safety measure. I think to myself as I'm sitting in this K hole, I'm like, clearly, I'm not going to die. But I feel so out of body, like I'm in some. Some weird universe. I'm sure he comes back, he slices and dices. You can feel it a little bit, right? And I'm just thinking to myself, don't look down, don't look down.
- [55:37]
C
Yeah.
- [55:39]
A
No, I don't want to see that. It's like that time of the Astro was giving birth to our first child. The doctor's like, you want to see? His head's coming out. And I was like, what do you say in that moment? No, I'm an awful father and I can't handle it. No, you say, of course I'm a man. I'm to pull up my balls and I'm going to take a look. I should have never looked. I should have never looked. So I'm telling myself, don't look, don't look, don't look. But I'm high as a kite, too. So at one point, I try to, like, sit up, raise my head a little bit. And the doctor literally takes his elbow. Because now his hands are covered in my blood and semen. He takes his elbow and pushes my head back down. He goes, yeah. He goes, no, let's just stay still right there. Nothing here. You want to see? Let me deal with this end.
- [56:19]
C
You deal with that end of the gentle elbow.
- [56:22]
A
I know. Gotta think so. So then he's going through the procedure and I, you know, Brian's doing another episode of the commercial break in his head, right? And I'm like. So I go, so, hey, doc, is this the best looking penis you've seen today? And you know what he says to me? He goes, you don't want to hear my truthful answer to that. I've got your balls spread wide open. I was like, fair enough, doc. Fair knife. And then I wanted to. What? I. Never mind. I'm not gonna tell that joke. But I wanted to say some other joke, but I didn't. I'm doing a whole episode of the.
- [57:01]
C
Commercial break in my head. Head spinning.
- [57:03]
A
That's right. Sews me back up. Says, okay, you know, you're done. Nurse comes in five minutes later. I'm still sucking on the hose. Comes in five minutes later to clean up and do this and do that. And she says, okay, whenever you're ready, just go ahead and throw that. You can throw that pipe down on the ground, get yourself dressed and go, I am covered in iodine. Red as a rabbit. I mean, I swear. Red as a rabbit. Rabbit red.
- [57:27]
C
He came up with that.
- [57:28]
A
Red is a Robin, I think is what I should have said. Red is a robin. So, Chrissy, I'm like, nope, not gonna let go of the hose. Not until someone comes in and tells me I have to. She said, whenever you're ready. Well, I don't have to be ready right now. This is all going on in my very high mind right now. Right now. So I keep sucking, I'm laying there, I'm sucking, I'm laying there, I'm sucking, I'm laying there, I'm sucking. And so I don't know what it was because I didn't have my mic, you know, time telling device, also known as my iPhone, on me. But I must have been in there, I'm guessing, 10 minutes, getting ever more high, ever more high, ever more high, sucking on this thing until. Mr. Green, you okay in there? And I'm like. And she comes and peeks around the corner, and she's like, you didn't get dressed yet? And I'm like, no, why? And she's like, well, we do need the room for someone else. When once you go ahead and take the pipe out of your mouth and whenever you're ready, you can get dressed. Yeah, she's. Yeah, we're wrestling back and forth with it. I'm gonna shut off the valve. No, you're not. I paid a hundred bucks. I want my money's worth. And I was like, in just a minute. I'll be there in a minute, you know, like that whole number. And she's like, why don't you give me the hose and we'll start there. And I was like, oh, I was like a little dejected, baby. Get cleaned up as much as I can. She's like, here, here's some wipey. So? Well, the wipes don't take iodine off. Nothing takes iodine off. It sticks with you for days.
- [58:59]
C
It does.
- [59:00]
A
Chrissy, I'm telling you what. I got home and I was so hepped up. Up from my, you know, hour long adventure on no. 2. Yeah. And the lidocaine was still in effect. I'm just dancing around the house. I'm walking up and down. I got to make a phone call. I got to do this and that. Worst thing I ever did.
- [59:20]
C
Yeah, you should have come home and went to bed.
- [59:22]
A
It says right on the piece of paper, go home. Get in bed immediately. Yeah, I, I it Immediately get out of bed. I did not do that. I did not take the doctor's device. And man, did I pay for it the next day. I have never in my life Seen a hematoma, also known as a bruise. Like the bruise that my. Both of my testicles had that's still still here today. By the way, Chrissy Black is that screen. Swear to God, my balls are black as that screen.
- [59:50]
C
Yeah.
- [59:51]
A
And it really freaked me out. And that's why Jeff came in handy, because Jeff was like, ah, don't worry about it, dude. Yeah, that's perfectly normal. But ice, ice, ice. And by the way, I could feel the pressure of them swelling up. I felt like two baseballs were down. So here I am. I'm in bed being a bad patient, as Astro will tell you I always am. She's saying, lay down, Lay down. And I'm feeling bad because the kids are running around screaming and yelling. The dog's barking. I know. I wanted to help. And she's like, if you get an infection.
- [60:17]
C
Yeah, no, you do.
- [60:18]
A
You're going to be down for weeks. You lay down in the bed. As her doesn't care whether or not I'm really healed. She cares whether or not she has to do extra days with the children. So she's smartly telling me to lay down so I don't get an infection. Perfection. Well, I will tell you what. At some point during the evening, I get up and I gotta eat something. So I'm like, okay, now I'm hungry. I'm nauseous. It feels like you got kicked in the balls, but the feeling never went away. It's like this persistent feeling that you've just been kicked in the balls. I'm walking in the hallway, about to. About to get in the kitchen. And my son is standing at the stairwell right next to the door to the kitchen. And my son swings around. Stop. Like he's playing a game. And he smacks me right in the picture. Penis. Chrissy. I fall down. I fall immediately down. Down on my butt, then on my head, like a whole, like. Like a real fall. Right? Not one that you pre. Plan. Not one for exaggeration. Yeah, one. Because the pain level just went to 70 out of 10. And as I fall down, Chrissy, I swear to God this happens. And my son will tell you this. When you walk out the door, a roach falls on the floor. It's been raining here for, like, days on end. And whenever it rains, we always get this random, like, you know, palmetto bug.
- [61:32]
C
That shows up, quote, unquote.
- [61:33]
A
Unquote. It's a roach. Don't call it a palmetto bug. I don't care. Florida, it's not a palmetto. But we don't have palmettos. So this roach falls on the floor right next to me. But the whole family is now run up to see what's going on. So it's Astrid, all the children. The dog is barking, the roach is right next to me. And my children start crying. Bloody murder. Literally tears coming out of their face. They're running away. They're scared. My son, the one who hit me, thought that he had hit me in the penis. The boo boo. Right on my penis. That's what we called it, the boo boo on my penis. And a roach had come out. That's what he thought. That's what was in his head. Oh, my God, the roach came out. It took me three hours to convince my son that roaches don't come out of your penis. Penis. That's not what happens. And by the way, even if I tried, roaches couldn't come out of my penis anymore. It's disconnected. Can't make babies, can't make roaches.
- [62:31]
C
I'm glad you made it through.
- [62:33]
A
Well, I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.
- [62:35]
C
Yeah, it takes a little while.
- [62:37]
A
It does.
- [62:37]
C
You know, it's. And the. When you look back on it, you'll be like, oh, it was.
- [62:41]
A
It was a couple days.
- [62:42]
C
I told Jeff, you know, I said, if you remember, it's a little bit.
- [62:47]
A
It's a little bit more of an ordeal.
- [62:49]
C
Yeah, it's gonna.
- [62:50]
A
Everyone makes it sound like a day or two with ice. Yeah. It's like when women get pregnant, that chemical goes in their brain. They forget the actual burning part. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Well, all the men who have gotten vasectomies have forgotten the actual part where you gotta watch out for your son smacking you in the ball. By the way, he slept with me in the bed that night. And he's just a kicker. That's what he does. He's just kicking me all night long in the potato. Potatoes. I'm like, ah, ah. And he's like, daddy, are there bugs coming out? No, son, there aren't. But you keep on kicking me, and you might see something you don't want to. Like two volleyballs attached to dad's ping pang. All right, tcbpodcast.com. that's where you find out more about my penis. All the audio, all the videos right there in one location. You get your free piggy fronting sticker. Go to the contact us button. Drop down men menu. I want my sticker. Give us your address. We'll send it off in seven to 10 days. Attention, attention. 212-4333. TCB toll free from anywhere in the world. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. We are taking them all. We'd love to hear from you. Please give us a text message. Drop us a review on your favorite podcast player. That's always a helpful thing to do. I'm not sure why, but that's what they say. So go ahead and do do that at the commercial break on the ever growing Instagram. Ever growing. Because when you go from 1 to 2, that's 100 growth. Chris.
- [64:10]
C
Yeah, we're exploding.
- [64:11]
A
Yeah, we're on 4. So add the commercial break on Instagram tcb podcast on tick Tock. And please do us a favor. Go to the YouTube page YouTube.com the commercial break. We did that episode with Steve O. And I don't. We must be shadow banned from at YouTube. I know we are actually. And someone left a comment. I fart and get more views than this Stevo video. I wanted to say. Yes, you're right.
- [64:37]
C
That's true.
- [64:37]
A
That's true. All right, Chrissy. That is definitely all I could do today. All this hopping around's got me sore. Gotta go take care of my baseballs. I love you.
- [64:47]
C
I love you.
- [64:47]
A
Best to you and best you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time. Chrissy and I do say we all we say and we must say goodbyes. ABC Wednesdays. Shifting Gears is back. He has arisen. Tim Allen and Kat Dennings return in television's number one new comedy, what what? With a star studded premiere including Jenna Elfman, Nancy Travis and. Hey buddy. A big home improvement reunion welcome.
- [65:18]
B
Oh boy, that guy's a tool.
- [65:20]
A
Shifting gears. New Wednesdays, 8, 7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.
- [65:27]
C
When the Moore family dished cable Internet.
- [65:29]
B
And switched to Zigly Fiber, they got so much more.
- [65:32]
C
Mr. Moore got more upload speed for next level gaming and live streaming to the masses. With reliable service, Mrs. Moore is no longer her family's IT guru, leaving her more time to stream games into overtime. Let's go.
- [65:43]
B
And young Mason Moore got more done quickly uploading HD product demos and video conferencing without freesight.
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C
The numbers look good. Brad, you're on mute. Switch from cable Internet to Zibli Fiber and get more of what you love for $65 less per month than cable@ziply fiber.com tonight, turn down the noise of.
- [66:00]
B
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- [66:38]
A
Sake a dick and keep on licking Limu Emu and Doug Here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug. Uh, Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us? Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty Liberty Liberty Liberty Savings Ferry Unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates Excludes Massachusetts it's okay not to be perfect with finances. Experian is your big financial friend and here to help. Did you know you can get matched with credit cards on the app? Some cards are labeled no Ding Decline, which means if you're not approved, they won't hurt your credit scores. Download the Experian app for free today. Applying for no Ding Decline cards won't hurt your credit scores if you aren't initially approved. Initial approval will result in a hard inquiry which may impact your credit scores. Experian.