TCB Classic: Two Wettings

Summary

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The Commercial Break

Episode: TCB Classic: Two Wettings
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley
Release Date: February 23, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this nostalgic "TCB Classic" episode, Bryan and Krissy revisit a listener-requested favorite—a chaotic, darkly hilarious recount of Bryan’s experience at the funeral of his mother’s eccentric late boyfriend, Irving. Recorded in the signature comedic, irreverent tone that defines The Commercial Break, the story blends absurd funeral mishaps, family dysfunction, and the hosts' trademark banter, all set against the Atlanta summer heat. Along the way, the duo weaves in tales of party buses, "the British fluffer," and musings on what constitutes an ideal send-off.

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Key Topics & Discussion Points

1. The British Fluffer and Party Bus Escapade (03:10–12:02)

• Bryan recounts a memorable birthday party at Atlanta’s high-end strip club “The Cheetah,” featuring a party bus, wild narcotic-fueled antics, and a charismatic British guest (“the British fluffer”) who spends the night hyping up Bryan.
  • “[He] was walking around the whole night like a puppy dog, telling me how wonderful I was. It was... he was just running around fluffing me up the entire time.” (05:44, Bryan Greene)
• The group’s wild dynamics, including flirtations with both genders and uninhibited self-expression, spotlight the show's recurring themes of embracing oddity and authenticity.
• Bryan humorously details the Facebook afterlife of the British fluffer, who now appears to be a social ringleader in the Hamptons, surrounded by beautiful people and engaging in creative, bohemian retreats (“drum circles… mud, clay sculpting and ketamine”). (07:03–08:18)
• Reflective commentary on “spiritual” gatherings and gender-fluid expression, laced with self-aware mockery.

2. Funeral Planning Blues: The Call About Irving (12:51–18:19)

• Bryan’s mother calls to deliver the news of Irving’s passing. He immediately senses a set-up for funeral obligations.
  • “When I have a funeral, when I’m dead… just have a big fucking party. Cremate me… Throw my ashes—chop up my ashes and snort them in a party bus on the way to The Cheetah… That’s right. I don’t want any sadness.” (16:49, Bryan Greene)
• Initial reluctance to attend but ultimately goes to support his mom alongside his twin brother, Kevin.

3. Funeral Fiasco: Heat, Limousines, and Improbable Logistics (18:29–33:11)

• Atlanta is sweltering at 112°F and Bryan intentionally dresses for comfort, not formality.
• The funeral is sparsely attended: Bryan, Kevin, their mom, Irving’s son, two cemetery staff, and the cantor.
  • “If the cantor who’s about to hold this service already knows by name the people who are going to attend, I don’t think it’s going to be a well-attended event.” (20:23, Bryan Greene)
• Bizarre logistics ensue:
  • Kevin is the only one sweating in a suit at 10:15 am; the green tent intensifies the heat (“...underneath the green tent is an absolute sauna at 10:15 in the morning.” 20:39)
  • A 1992 stretch limousine, arranged decades ago by Irving’s first wife, delivers Bryan’s mother and Irving’s son (25:07–26:16). Unintended hilarity arises trying to help his mobility-challenged mother out of the limo and into a golf cart.

4. Graveside Comedy—Sweat, Mishaps, and Eulogy Emails (29:17–37:34)

• An extended, sweat-soaked, sparsely attended graveside service ensues.
• The cantor reads eulogy emails from absentees (“Is this really an episode of The Commercial Break, now? People are emailing in…” 30:24).
• Irving’s son delivers a hilariously awkward eulogy highlighting how little time he spent with his father (“He rented an additional apartment for his art projects…” 30:25).
• Guests take turns shoveling dirt but nobody knows the “right” number of scoops; Bryan’s three-scoop method is interrupted by a rogue rock—“All you hear is ‘clunk’ and I’m like, oh f*ck.” (38:49–38:50)

5. The Comedy of the Casket Escalator (33:27–35:30)

• Casket lowering turns inadvertently slapstick—the straps lower unevenly, tilting Irving’s coffin at a precarious 45-degree angle. Cemetery staff must improvise, and one even goes partially into the grave to fix the issue.
  • “For 15 minutes… they are literally shimmying and shaking this casket, trying to get these straps out from under it… One guy was holding his feet, and he was down in the grave hanging by his feet.” (33:27–35:30)
• This leads Bryan and Krissy to compare the scene to a surreal comedy film.

6. Post-Mortem Musings: Traditions, Absurdity, and How Bryan Wants to Go (42:15–45:33)

• Reflections on how funeral traditions often serve the living more than the dead.
• The service’s logistics all seem orchestrated by Irving’s first wife—decades after their acrimonious split (“It got executed to the T. Every wish and desire that she had got incorporated—including almost tipping over the casket.” 44:33)
• Bryan makes a final appeal for his own send-off: cremation, a wild party, and potentially a comedic twist with a sex doll stand-in at his funeral.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Bryan’s comedic legacy:
  • “Either let my funeral be a complete party of epic proportions or let it be an absolute shit show like this so at least you can squeeze some hilarity out of it here on the show.” (42:16, Bryan Greene)
• On awkward eulogies:
  • “All of us are like, wait, hold on, that’s the right one… I just hope that when I die, my kids have something additional to say…” (30:25, Bryan Greene)
• On the funeral’s theatrical climax:
  • “She said…We do one last favor for a mensch that he can never repay…we help him with his transition to the next phase.” (33:11, Bryan recounts cantor)
• On funeral RSVP emails:
  • “They were literally RSVPing to his funeral. But what was amazing…is learning that his first wife, 28 years ago, planned this for him.” (44:15, Bryan Greene)

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Timestamp Index of Key Segments

• [03:10]–[12:02]: Atlanta party bus, “the British fluffer,” musings on fluidity and spiritual gatherings.
• [16:00]–[18:16]: The phone call about Irving, initial resistance to attending the funeral.
• [18:29]–[27:10]: Showdown with Atlanta heat, green tent sauna, and the arrival of the 1992 funeral limousine.
• [27:55]–[35:30]: The green tent/golf cart debacle; live-action casket-shaking.
• [30:25]–[37:34]: Awkward eulogies, guest shovel confusion, and poignant/catastrophic farewells.
• [42:15]–[45:48]: Reflections on funerals, what Bryan wants for himself, and the ultimate comedic send-off.

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Closing Tone

The episode perfectly encapsulates TCB’s “cheesecake factory of comedy podcast” vibe: deeply irreverent, improv-laced humor about life’s most uncomfortable moments—never mean, always inclusive of their own family foibles. Bryan and Krissy’s familiarity and affectionate ribbing make even funeral horror stories a vehicle for both empathy and giddy laughter.

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For New Listeners

If you haven’t heard the episode, this summary gives you:

• The anatomy of an absurd real-life event as filtered through Bryan’s storytelling and Krissy’s deadpan support
• A highlight reel of improvised, self-deprecating comedy and social commentary
• A window into the “unpolished charm” and offbeat energy that define The Commercial Break

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Best to you, and especially to Astrid.

Transcript

[Brian Greene]

Abc. The Emmy winning comedy Scrubs returns. This is a whole new chapter for me. No more sad sack. That's what I'm talking about. I want both of our sacks to be fun. You two idiots are perfect for each other. From executive producers of Ted Lasso and Shrinking. We were all a part of this victory. Now get those nachos out of the preemie warmer. Nachos. Feels like there's more applause for the nachos than my speech. The new season of Scrubs Wednesday, 8, 7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.

[Rachel]

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[Brian Greene]

Quick, choose a meal deal with McValue, the $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal, or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal, each with its own small fries, drink and Four Piece McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary.not Valder McDivery. On this episode of the commercial break. Oh yeah, cats and kittens, it is a Tuesday and I am putting out a TCB classic for you to listen to so that you don't have to go so many days without a commercial break episode. And we have a huge catalog of almost a thousand episodes to dig through. And this first TCB classic, it is a request straight from you, the listeners. I actually got this request on now three separate occasions. So, you know, if we have four listeners and three of you are telling us you like this episode, well then there you go. This must be one of your favorites. My mom, who is a lovely lady, dated a man for a while named Irving. And if you've listened to the show since the beginning, you'll know exactly who Irving is. A couple years ago, Irving passed away because he was old and in failing health. And we did love Irving, but he was a quirky man and his funeral turned out to be even more quirky. It was my mom, my twin brother, a very lovely rabbi trying her best, and Irving's son, along with two facilities managers who did their best to keep Irving from literally rolling into the grave. Here's Two Weddings and a Funeral on this TCB classic. Enjoy. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is the director of Therapeutic Ketamine Services, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Bestie. You, Chrissy, Brian, and best of you out there in the podcast universe, wherever you may be listening. Maybe you're in the Hamptons or Palm Beach. Or Palm Beach. Or the Hamptons.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I hope you are, Chrissy.

[Brian Greene]

And I could only think of two luxurious places in the world, Palm beach and the Hamptons. Maybe you're at a party right now in the Hamptons chilling out with your ketamine bombs. Yeah, I saw that. I was telling this story and I just had to pop on air real quick to share this story. I got. I've shared this story on the commercial break and I'm not. You can go back and try and find this episode. But Chrissy and I one time attended a birthday party where the birthday. The husband of the birthday girl got a limousine, like, but you know, one of those big buses. That's a limousine that's got the disco ball in it. You know, everyone packed in there. Party bus. Everyone met at a restaurant. And then the party bus came and picked us up and took us to the, the most, the fanciest strip club in all the land called the Cheetah here in Atlanta. It's expensive. They have a five star restaurant, whatever that means. A five star restaurant. Yeah. Aluvia, Volvovia. I'm sorry, I just don't eat at strip clubs. That's just, it's just a general rule that I have. I don't care how many stars you have. But it's a lovely.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Our old cohorts from the station used to eat there.

[Brian Greene]

Oh, yeah, the, the IT guy used to go there every afternoon for lunch. He'd always invite. I told that story too. He's always invited me. Yes, but. So we go there and there's one gentleman that we had never met in our entire life. A bunch of people we didn't meet but we didn't know. But one gentleman, he had a British accent and he was friends of a friend and he came and he's the most lovely human being. But the longer the night went on, the more twisted everybody got because there was lots of narcotics running around, mostly Colombian marching powder. But I think there was some ecstasy involved too. I didn't take it, but I think he did.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I think he did and by

[Brian Greene]

the end of the night, he was following me around like a puppy dog, saying things like, you're amazing the way you walk through room. Women want to be with you, men want to be you. It's amazing, Brian. You don't realize the power you have. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I got power because I got a bunch of $1 bills in my pocket. That's nothing to do with me. I also happen to have the bag of cocaine that everyone's following me around with. So they literally took the doors off the bathroom stalls of the Cheetah because Brian was in there. Oh, Brian's here. Got Brian Greene walking through the door. Take the stall. Take the doors off the stalls. So this guy was walking around the whole night like a puppy dog, telling me how wonderful I was. It was. He was like a fluffer. He was just running around fluffing me up the entire time. But he was so nice. The guy was lovely. We just. Everyone fell in love with him because he was so nice and it was genuine. He was just way fucked up.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Really funny. The next day when we were thinking

[Brian Greene]

about it, oh, my God, we were cracking up. It's like a beam of light comes from the sky and follows you around, literally. The universe is your spotlight, Brian. The universe. You have the power of a star right in your penis. There's a light coming from your penis. Women can see it. The men want to be it. I don't know. It's amazing. Anytime someone's that nice in a British accent, you can't help but be fall in love.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, you gotta love them, too.

[Brian Greene]

So follow up on this guy. So I gotta keep up with him on Facebook, but, you know, I don't really know the guy all that well.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We spent one night with him, one

[Brian Greene]

night with him, and everybody became Facebook friends. Because Facebook was a thing back then, 12 years ago or whatever. And I just noticed, maybe a month or two or three ago, I noticed he started. Pictures of his. Started popping up. You know, the algorithm all of a sudden decided to tell me how miserable my life was and how wonderful.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, that's the point of social media, right?

[Brian Greene]

So he's got a new girlfriend, and I don't know what they're doing. They're in the Hamptons at some party, like, connecting with their ancestors, doing ketamine. Yeah. Through woodwork and ketamine. I don't know, through mud, clay sculpting and ketamine.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I'm picturing drum circles underneath this.

[Brian Greene]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Mohawks with feathers. You know that Mohawks with feathers, shirts off, kilts everywhere. Is. Most. Most people are just naked. It's a whole. It's a whole scene going on there. And I just am like, oh, wow, that's. That looks amazing. But he is with the most beautiful woman you have ever seen in your entire life. I mean, this girl's right out of a magazine. And she's young, too. And he's young also, but she's young. And I'm like, wow, amazeballs. Like, apparently I.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He took a page right out of my book.

[Brian Greene]

That's right. He had light coming from his penis. And he attracted this star of a human being into his life. And I thought, good for him. Like, wow, what a. You know, he was kind of this, like, puppy dog, like, character that ran around just fluffing everybody up, and now he's his own man, and he's doing his own thing. He's got a beautiful. What I think his girlfriend. Because they're in multiple pictures and, you know, in various states of pda. Yeah. And undress is for sure. But then a couple of days afterwards, I noticed that he's also got pictures of him making out with guys on his Facebook. So I'm like, oh, well, that explains a lot.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Everything's fluid.

[Brian Greene]

Everything's fluid. And that's awesome. I think it's lovely.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Greene]

I just am happy that the guy is happy. And he seems to be, like, a little bit of a power player in this little group he's got going on. You know, they're all hanging out at the Hamptons. A power player in this, you know, party in the woods group we got. But they're elevated it. Yeah. Unlike the party in the woods that's, you know, on somebody's old car lot here in Atlanta that turned it into the dump. The dump. The dump. The dump. Dump, dump. They're actually in the Hamptons at a multi million dollar piece of property where their doctors are showing up and just feeding them narcotics and iving them every morning to get them rehydrated. You know what I'm saying? All right, so. And I thought to myself, wow, good. Good for them. But then in a flashback conversation I was just having, I realized I kind of put two and two together about something of the friend that we got connected through originally, us and this guy, this British fluffer dude. We'll call him the British fluffer. Yeah, us and this British fluffer. The friend, my good friend, that we got connected to about a year into the pandemic. He calls me Up. And he's like, this is awful, man. I know, it's terrible. We have to get together. The brother energy. And I'm like, anytime he says that, I always get a little nervous, but I'm like, oh, okay. The brother energy. We gotta howl at the moon. We gotta grab our groins, we gotta touch our loins. We gotta connect with, you know, with cocks. We. We gotta be brothers, we gotta be men, we gotta be fathers. We gotta be responsible for those around us. Blah, blah, blah. In the most non chauvinistic kind of way, the most loving kind of way. He's saying this in. In these. These men retreats that he would put together were awesome and wonderful and all this. But he starts convincing me that I'm gonna go to this, but Astrid is pregnant at the time, and I'm kind of on the fence about it. And then I finally decide, okay, I'm gonna do this. It's two days. We'll test. You know, it's middle of the pandemic. I'm like, we'll test and we'll figure it out. It'll be fine.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Greene]

But as further information comes out of this gathering, what I realize is that he starts talking about my friend sex to me. And he's like, don't worry, man. This is going to be awesome. You know, where else can you. Can brothers touch brothers with. Without fear of repercussion? I'm like, I don't know. SoHo, Midtown, Atlanta. I think there's lots of places where brothers could touch brothers without fear of repercussions. 2,023. Dude. But, you know, he's like, I just want to give a hug, like a good bear hug to my brothers without a shirt. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Me too. But you're saying it kind of creepy. Dude, you got to back off that a little bit. You trying to convince me to come or not come? I'm not sure. And then he says, our British fluffer friend is going to be there. And I was like, oh, okay, I can't make it up. Is his girlfriend going to be there? No. Okay. They didn't end up having the retreat in the way in which they intended. It was just a couple guys that got together and went down to Panama City for the weekend. Pretty sure it was just a lot of booze and cocaine, but actually I went to that. So I know it was just a lot of booze, actually a lot of children. But it ended up being a much smaller event than he had planned. But it was. It looked lovely. I mean, all those things, but I just can't stop thinking about this guy running around behind me in the cheetah, talking about how girls want to be with you, men want to be you. It's amazing. You're amazing. You're incredible. Brian Greene. Brian Greene. Even your name is stoic and majestic. It's like you're a rising from the loins. I. I wish him nothing but love. I think he's awesome. Yes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He made an impression on us for sure.

[Brian Greene]

You know, nothing like getting. Getting together with a little gathering to celebrate life and positivity. And I agree with it. I'm down with it 100%. You know, we make fun of a lot of that spiritual bullshit here on the. On the commercial break.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, the truth is target.

[Brian Greene]

It's an easy target. And the only reason.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Also true. We love it.

[Brian Greene]

That's right. The only reason I can make fun of it is it. I've been there. And I'm able to cut the shaft from the way because I've been there. I know when someone's singing me a song and dance, and I know when someone's trying to actually genuinely connect with themselves or with others around them. And it just seems like YouTube is not the place where you go to do that, just share it. I don't know, but I just. I sense that that's not the place to go to do that. But then there's the other kind of gathering where you go to celebrate life. And it's not because of all the wonderful reasons you thought. It's because someone passed away.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, no.

[Brian Greene]

And unfortunately, our good, dear friend, my mom's longtime boyfriend, Irving passed away.

[Rachel]

No, I didn't.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah, he did. Last week. Irving. Poor guy.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Irvin or Irving?

[Brian Greene]

It's Irving, but no one says the G, so it's Irvin.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Irvin swerving.

[Brian Greene]

Irvin swerving. Irvin. He's not a basketball player. He's not Irvin Johnson. He's Irving. Johnson. Irving. But Irving was a wonderful old man. He just was.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I never met him.

[Brian Greene]

He was generous to a fault.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Finster thing he did.

[Brian Greene]

He gave me the. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Piece of art.

[Brian Greene]

Is it called Finster?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, Finster is the artist.

[Brian Greene]

Oh, yeah. I think you're right. Yeah. He was an artist. He loved artists. He loved artists. He got a chance to listen to the commercial break one time. Said he didn't understand it, but good for me.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's not for everyone.

[Brian Greene]

And he really loved my mom and my mom really loved him. But when it came to his Funeral. It was a comedy of unfortunate errors. So let me share because that's of course, what I think Irving would have wanted. Having not understood the commercial break one bit and only listened to three minutes of one episode. I think he would have wanted this. Yes.

[Rachel]

Okay. You're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at tcb. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid, too? You know you do. Leave a message for her or me or Chrissy at 212-4333, TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show, too. Just call and say something, anything. Or text us and we'll text you right back. Promise. Then head over to tcbpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker. And we must abide. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and watch all the episodes on [e-mail] TheCommercialBreak. Best to you and Astrid. Especially Astrid.

[Brian Greene]

ABC Wednesday in comedian Nate Brigetzi's new game show. To win, you don't need to know the right answer, just what most Americans think is right. It's not about being the smartest. You just have to be the most average. We asked 100 average Americans, do they keep an empty gas can in their car? No. Have you ever broken a bone? No. I said a lot of no. That's all right. My wife says a lot of no as well. The greatest Average American premieres Wednesday, 9.8Central on ABC and stream next day on Hulu.

[Rachel]

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[Brian Greene]

Irving passed away on Tuesday. And by the way, he had been sick for a long time. So this was coming. This was, you know, this is one of those cases where you say, well, thank God he's not suffering anymore.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Greene]

And he was an older gentleman. He was 90, so he wasn't a spring chicken. It wasn't unexpected, but it was sad nonetheless. So, you know, my mom calls me on Tuesday. I think it is. Hi, Brian. Hi, mom. You remember Irving. No, mom. I don't know Irving. Of course I know Irving. He's from New York. Okay, Mom, I get where he's from. And she goes, just to tell me where I know. And so I go, oh, I knew what the call was about the second she called and told, asked, you know, if I had. Remember Irving? Remember Irving. That's all we've been talking about for three years. So I say, yeah, Mom.

[Rachel]

Well, he died last night in his sleep.

[Brian Greene]

Oh, Mom, I'm so sorry to hear that. Are you okay? Yeah, I am. I'm just here watching some qvc. Nothing like healing your wounds with qvc. Listen, honey, can you come to the funeral? I guess, you know, I don't know if I'm, like, fit in the funeral category. I might fit in the send a text message to family members and let them know that I'm sorry for their loss, but I don't know that I'm like, funeral material. Right? And what I mean by that is when I have a funeral, when I'm dead, when I'm long and gone, don't have a funeral. Just have a big fucking party. Cremate me. Have a party. Throw my ashes in, you know, chop up my ashes and snort them in a party bus. In a party bus on the way to the cheetah. That's right. I don't want any sadness. Don't. Don't get all the gloom and doom. It happens to everybody. But Irving is Jewish, and they don't. Cremation is not a thing. So he's going to be buried in this very large cemetery here in Atlanta. Very famous, very large cemetery here in Atlanta. But I don't know that I'm qualify as the circle of people who you would show up to a funeral when I have a funeral, Please don't let it be like my last bachelor party where literally strangers got invited because they needed to fill seats at the table. That's how boring I have become. But I just didn't think that I needed to show up to the funeral. But after some prodding and my twin brother Kevin, we decided, okay, let's go to the funeral. It's the least we could do for my mom.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

For your mom, yes.

[Brian Greene]

We knew Irving. We didn't know him that well because we, you know, we only spent a little bit of time with him. So Friday afternoon, I. Friday morning, I get up, by the way, it's 100.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

This is your thing. Friday. Got it. Okay.

[Brian Greene]

It's 112 degrees outside here in Atlanta, like it is everywhere else the world is literally boiling. And Atlanta was always boiling in the first place. Now it's just extra boiling. But it's 112 degrees by 10am And I decide I'm going to wear a short sleeve shirt and a pair of slacks with casual dress shoes. Right. Because it's just too hot to wear a suit. And you know, as much as I love the fact that Irving loved my mom, I don't know that wearing a black suit to this particular funeral is the thing that I need to do. I'm showing up, so let me wear something where I'm at least not going to be dying of a heat stroke in the middle of this cemetery. So we get to the cemetery, there is absolutely no one standing anywhere to tell us where to go. And the cemetery is like three and a half miles deep.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Greene]

So Kevin finds this space. He drops a pin. I say, okay, bud, I'm gonna be there in like 15 minutes. My mom tells us to be there at 11am or 10:30am at 10am for a 10:30 service. Well, I know what that means, is that my mom wants me to talk to all of the friends that she's got there to keep them company for the 30 minutes while before the service starts. I'm not playing that game. Homie doesn't play that game. I'll be there at 10:15. So I show up at 10:15. I follow the pin to where Kevin is. And it is a scene right out of a movie. There is a large green tent sitting over some chairs. 12 chairs and Kevin. It's 10:15. The service starts at 10:30. Kevin is the only person that is sitting there besides the cantor, the Jewish cantor and two of the guys that I can only assume had dug the hole where Irving was going to be buried. Irving is sitting over the hole with the machine that the two straps that lower you down into the ground. Right. The lower or whatever you call it, he's sitting there in like a pine wood box. The lower, the lower.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

What is that thing?

[Brian Greene]

I don't know is. I don't know. A grave, elevator, Casket. It's a casket escalator. Yeah. So the casket escalator is sitting there and it's in a little bit in front of the green tent.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I've been to the a funeral before like that.

[Brian Greene]

When you put a dark green tent under the sun when it's 112 degrees, do you know what you're really doing? You're attracting more heat is what you're really doing. So now the, the green tent, underneath the green tent is an absolute sauna at 10:15 in the morning. Kevin is wearing a full three piece suit and he is drenched. I mean, he's just like, the water's pouring out of his forehead. And I'm like. So I walk, I parked the car, I walk up. It's. It's like, let's call it maybe 50ft. 30 to 50ft. This gravesite is 30 to 50ft off the road. So I park on the road, I walk the 30 to 50ft under the tent. I'm like, hey, bud, what's going on? Kevin's got flowers in his hand, right? And he's like, ah, I don't know, I'm just waiting here. The canter comes up and says, oh, you must be Vicky's son. And I'm like, well, now if the canter who's about to hold this service already knows by name the people who are going to attend, I don't think it's going to be a well attended event. Chrissy, I. You not Irving. Irving's son, my mom, Kevin. That's it. Wow. It is literally three of us that are not related to Irving that are there. The can't. So, okay, it's not 10:15 now it's 10:30, right. And I'm certain no one's gonna show up. Now I look at Kevin, I'm like, dude, are we gonna be the only ones here? And he's like, I don't know, bro. I guess so. Yeah. So the cantor can over here. What does your mom come with the sun?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, with the sun.

[Brian Greene]

But I'll get to that in a second. Okay? Okay, so. So the canter's standing there. She's also melting in, in all various forms and fashion. Her makeup is literally running off of her face.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Greene]

And she can overhear us talking about whether or not she's gonna come. She goes, oh, well, I just think there's going to be a few of us here. And don't worry, this won't take long. 10 or 15 minutes. We're gonna say a couple of Hebrew prayers, I'm gonna sing a Hebrew song, and then we'll be done, right? It won't take long. They have two speakers and a microphone set up. Two speakers and a microphone. Who the fuck are we talking to? I can hear you just fine. There's only two of us here. She's right there in front of us. But there is a microphone and two speakers. No fans, but speakers. Maybe I could replace the speakers with fans. That would be great. So now I'm sweating So now everybody's sweating. I got butt sweat, I got ball sweat, I got arm sweat. I got everywhere it's ever. I'm, I'm wearing gray slacks. They are now dark gray slacks because they are wet everywhere except for my knees. Right? I mean, literally looks like I pissed myself. And I'm like, Holy 1030, 1040, 1045. I'm like, Geez, where is mom and Irving's son? So the cancer steps in and she goes, hey, listen, I, I heard from them a little while ago. They're just running a little bit late. The limousine that picked her up, picked them up, is running late. And I'm like, the limousine? My mom can't walk without a walker. How did she get into a limousine? Yeah, but I'm thinking, oh, when she says limousine, she must mean like an uber black, right? Something my mom could step up into or, you know, sit down in or whatever. No, Chrissy, 1050, 1055, 11, 1105, roll around. Now we have been there for an hour and I am not kidding you. They had covers on the seats. The covers are now sound like wet towels when you sit down on them. They have little things of Kleenex that they put on the, on the seats. And I've gone through two of them to put these things, these bags of Kleenex already just wiping my forehead. So the cantor then says, oh. The phone rings, cantor picks it up. And then she says, oh, they're here, they'll be here. They're, they're running in the front, they're coming in the front door right now. And I'm thinking to myself, thank God, let's get this thing over. I mean, God bless or Irving, you know, he, he must be hot. Even Irving's feeling the heat.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I bet he was.

[Brian Greene]

Poor Irving, I thought to myself, poor Irving, he's in that box just dying. But he was already dead.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Brian Greene]

So out of nowhere, you could see rolling down the hill, weaving his way through this thing is a stretched limo, a Lincoln stretch limo from 1992 with the V shaped antenna on the back of it and everything. Remember we were just talking about this on the show. My mom and Irving son literally got picked up in a stretch limousine.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

So the stretch of a package.

[Brian Greene]

That's what they said. They said that Irving's first wife had planned the funeral and this was according to her wishes. Apparently she ordered the limousine when they were married in 1990. And that's exactly what picks him up, the 1990 limousine. I'm not even kidding.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh my God, she'd Already, like, prepaid for it.

[Brian Greene]

I don't know. I thought to myself, what? First wife? He's had three. His first wife planned his funeral. She hated him. He hated him. So I'm like, poor Irving. He's been tortured by this woman for his entire life. So limo shows up. We're all like, what? Limo pulls up. Victoria, limo driver gets out, little old lady. Little old lady. I mean, the lady bought the limousine back in 1990. She's still driving it to this day.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She was the chauffeur.

[Brian Greene]

She was a chauffeur. She must have been 90 years old. I mean, she must have been. And she was the cutest old lady, but she, like, jumps out. She's like, so sorry. So sorry we're late. And I'm like, oh, no, no, it's okay. He's.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He's not going.

[Brian Greene]

He doesn't care. Yeah, Brian with the jokes. I'm doing an episode of the commercial break now. I've lost my ever loving mind. Opens the door, and my mom is literally stuck in the back seat. We can't get her out.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

My papa Joe, he can't get in. And I'm either with the knees.

[Brian Greene]

How did he crawl? I was like, how did they. What, did they literally just push her ass in there? Yeah. Shoved her onto the floor. Just. I just heard this noise. Like, they're just squeezing her in. So now there's. Now you've got the two maintenance guys who have just dug the hole for Irving the canter, Me and Kevin and the limo driver all trying to yank my mom.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Greene]

The entire limousine is rocking back and forth, and we're like, okay, heave, ho. Heave ho. So we get my mom out. She's on her walker, and she can't. There's. She's still got another 50ft to travel on a slope of grass downhill. So I'm like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah, we don't need her rolling into the grave. Like, we don't need her falling and then just rolling into the grave. Let's think about this for a second. Can we get her a chair and an umbrella out here? But there's a golf cart sitting there. There was a person from the. The cemetery is sitting in a golf cart. So I'm like, quick thinking. I'm like, should we just use the golf cart? Like, and, mom, can you get on the golf cart? And then let's just pull the golf cart closer to the thing.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right?

[Brian Greene]

So that's what happens. So then it's a Whole nother feat of miracles to get my mom onto this golf cart. And the lady drives her ever so slow down toward this green tent. It's on a slope pointing toward Irving, right from the limousine down toward Irving, okay? So the lady starts driving the golf cart very slowly up, up over the curb. You know, bump, bump. My mom almost falls out, of course. And then she's driving it slowly toward the green tent. The lady does not apply the brakes, and the thing just rolls right into the tent and into the chairs. I'm not even kidding you. The tent's moving with the golf cart. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And the lady doesn't know she's not putting that foot on the brake. So the thing's just rolling downhill, taking the chairs with it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Greene]

So finally we're like, let's just move the chairs out of the way. We'll just put the golf cart under the tent. So now you've got a tent with two loudspeakers, a canter that's standing in the sun. Me and Kevin, we move all the chairs out of the way except for three for Irving's son, me and Kevin. And then mom is sitting behind us in a golf cart under the tent, crying, by the way.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, no. Oh, my God.

[Brian Greene]

So I'm already like, oh, God, please let this go quickly for the sake of all involved. Let's just get this done with. So I. So Kevin and I are like, okay, I think we should just get started. Cantor does the whole nine yards, right? She. But this does not last 10 to 15 minutes. This goes on for hours. Ever.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It felt like that.

[Brian Greene]

We are for. No, it doesn't feel like it. It's true. We are 45 minutes in, and she's like. And I'm like, She's have a lovely voice, by the way. And I do like those. For some reason, I do like those. Like when they sing in Hebrew, it. Something about that, really, I don't know. It's interesting to me. It doesn't touch me, necessarily. Not at a funeral, but there's something there, right? So the cantor is doing the whole nine yards, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then the cantor goes, you know, unfortunately, not everybody could make it today, but we've had a few people email in. And I'm thinking to myself, is this really an episode of the commercial break now? People are emailing in.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And then she reads the email.

[Brian Greene]

She read the. She read the emails. And then Irving's son gets up. Poor guy. Yeah, it's obvious he had never been on a microphone before. Never. And he's only in front. He's just talking to Kevin and I. That's it. That's all. He's talking to Kevin and I. My mom and him came together. They know each other well, right? And I know this guy. He's. I've seen him a couple times. We've met. He's. We're friendly. I just hope that when I die, my kids have something additional to say, because poor Irving's son. This is what he said. Some people remember my father as a nice guy, but he was a businessman, and he was a really, really tough business guy. When I was young, he rented an additional apartment in our building for his art projects, and he would often spend nights there. I'm thinking to myself, he's just telling us that Irving spent no time with him. So. But then the third thing he says, which is so strange, he's like, a lot of people didn't know my father's artsy side. He one time took me to see a movie in the west, you know, west side Village. He took us to see a movie about insects that got brains and ruled the world and killed all the humans that ended up winning an Oscar. So there's that. All of us are like, wait, hold on, that's the right one. All of us are like, yeah, I can imagine. So this son kind of works his way through the little bit of eulogy. Then he also reads two emails, one of which is like two sentences long. Sorry, I couldn't be there. Who are you telling? It's like, dear Irving, sorry I couldn't be there. Dear Irving. Dear Irving, Irving can't hear you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Was it like an automated response, do you think? Yes, like an email that was like

[Brian Greene]

an out of office, but out of

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

universe, sorry, I can't be there.

[Brian Greene]

Out of breath instead of out of office. Out of breath, out of heartbeats, won't be back for a while. So. So, okay, so we get done with that part. And then the cantor says something that's just lovely. I just thought it was lovely what she said. She said. And now we do one last thing for a mensch. We do one last favor for a mensch that he can never repay. We help him with his transition to the next phase from ashes to ashes, dust to dust. I now invite Irving's son to come put some dirt in the grave.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes, I've seen that done.

[Brian Greene]

But before that, she gives us cue to the two people who are waiting to lower the two maintenance guys. Say maintenance guys, facility Guys. Yeah. That are waiting to lower Irving into

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

the grave from the escalator. The coffin.

[Brian Greene]

The coffin escalator. The casket escalator. So now I want you to imagine you've never seen a coffin escalator. And I know you have. It's been in movies and stuff. The coffin is sitting over the open grave. There is a pile of dirt next to it on a piece of wood, and then there are straps underneath the casket. You then press a button and those straps lower supposedly evenly down into the grave. You already know what's coming. Supposedly. But that's how it worked out with Irving. He presses the button, he goes over. One guy stands on one side, one guy stands on another. I don't see any motor attached to this thing, but I'm like, okay. I guess it just works like that. He presses a button and pulls a little lever and the thing starts slowly going down. But what's happening is, is that one side is moving a little quicker than the other. And Irving. And even before he goes down into the ground, the casket is turning over. And I'm like, oh, no, no, I can't see this. I don't want to see this. Please don't let that happen. Please don't let this happen. It's going to be really funny. No, no, no, no, it didn't. But it was getting to the point where it was about to, because it was almost. It was sitting at like a 45 degree angle. And finally the facility guy stopped it and he's trying to make it work. I don't know how, but they managed to get him down into the. Into the grave. But then they have to take the straps out, and they can't get the straps out. So for 15 minutes, 15 minutes, they are literally shimmying and shaking this casket, trying to get these straps out from under it to the point where one of the guys had to go into the grave. He was leaning. One guy was holding his feet, and he was down in the grave hanging by his feet. And the guy was trying to get the strap. It was awful. Awful.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

This is out of a movie.

[Brian Greene]

And you could hear the cantor going, oh, dear God, Derek and my mom. I look at Kevin and I'm like, what is going on?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He's like, I don't know her sweaty.

[Brian Greene]

Oh, we're just dying. Yeah. At this point, I just gave up. I'm like, I. I don't even want to go into my own car. I don't need air conditioning. I just need to get to a shower. So eventually they do manage to get the straps off. And you know, the thing is, is that the facilities guys, this is probably not their first rodeo with something happening wrong, right? So they are very quiet and they're not talking to each other, sharing what's going on. They're just being quiet. You know, you can hear them occasionally whisper to each other, like, you know, grab my legs, I'm going in. But they get the straps out. They pull these straps up. And then, so then the, the canter goes, okay, now I'd like to invite, you know, Irving son does dirt on the grape. Irving's son goes over and he just. I think maybe it was one of the first times he'd used the shovel, right? But he, he. And you know, there's people like that. Like, I'm not exactly, you know, Tim the Tool Man Taylor either. So, so he goes and he starts, you know, digging some of this dry dirt. And he finally gets some and pours a scoop over. And then he digs in again and he pours another scoop. And then a third time, he pours another scoop. And I'm thinking to myself, okay, three's the charm. Third time's the charm.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He's just gonna fill the grave out.

[Brian Greene]

But Chrissy, he keeps going. He keeps going. By the time he gets to like the 10th or 11th scoop, the Cantor walks over to him and taps him on the shoulder and she's like, that's good, that's good. And he's like, okay, okay. And he walks over with the shovel and he hands it to Kevin and he's like. And I'm like, I'm not even supposed to be at the funeral. No, you want me to throw mud on his casket? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's your turn now.

[Brian Greene]

I don't want to do that. So he hands it to Kevin. And Kevin looks at me and I'm like, I don't know, I guess Kevin goes. Now Kevin doesn't know how many scoops to throw because Irving's son put in 30. How many are we supposed to do? Does he expect us to fill it up together? Are we taking turns? So we throw a couple. Kevin throws three, appropriately three scoops in there. And I'm thinking to myself, three is the trick. That's the charm. One is kind of dismissive. You're like, ah, fuck you. Here's a dirt. Here's a, here's a scoop. Two is like a half ass job. You're like, you know, I guess I'll dump a little extra. It's like, it's like Super Size Me. Okay, here's a little extra. But if you do three, you've paid attention to the chore. The task at hand has been completed appropriately. Right? So I go three. But on the third one, I get a rock on the shovel. But now I don't want to be full in with mud while I'm sweating, drenched in sweat at some poor guy's funeral. So I throw the third one on there, and all you hear is. And I'm like, oh, fuck.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He said the wrong.

[Brian Greene]

It went right through the casket. It didn't. But I'm just saying it made the biggest. Yeah, it was denting nothing. This was like a plywood casket. I don't know. I mean, hey, listen, I agree. Why spend $50,000 on a casket? Yeah. I mean, you're gonna get eaten by worms anyway. Just let it happen. The quicker the better, as far as I'm concerned. Yeah. So, okay, so I get done with my three. The lovely cantor wraps it up with another 15 minutes of singing and prayer. And then she goes, that concludes the official service. And I'm thinking, please don't let there be an unofficial part of this service, the after party. That concludes this. This part of the service. Kevin goes to Irving's son, Hey, I got these flowers. You mind if I. You mind if I put them in there with. With your dad? And he goes, no, don't do that. He takes the flowers from Kevin and he puts it up against the gravestone. He's like, no, don't do that. And then the cantor's like, while he's putting. While he's back over there around the grave site. The canter goes, well, thank you, everybody, for coming. And Irving's son starts shoveling again. Oh, no. He thought he was.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Had to be the one to do it.

[Brian Greene]

I don't know. Or maybe he's just like, you, dad. Like, here's some more. Like, I'm gonna put you in the grave. I don't know. Or maybe he just felt like I. Like he just wanted an extra moment with his dad.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Greene]

Like, you know, these things are highly personal, and you never know. And I'm not saying Irving was a bad dad. I. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm telling a story for the commercial break. But, you know, it was. It was lovely in its own very personal way. But it was funny as an outsider coming in to see this weird service that just happened. And then the poor son is just sitting there filling his dad's grave site in. I'm thinking to myself, you know, there's two guys right here that are about to do that with an actual truck. Like they're gonna do that for you. It's part of the price.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's part of the baggage.

[Brian Greene]

I almost felt like saying, do you want some help? I bet we can get this together. Yeah, I bet we get this done quickly if we just do it together.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

So did your mom ride back in the limo?

[Brian Greene]

My mom rode back in the limo. And you, Chrissy?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Greene]

As soon as. Now we've been there for an hour and a half. We're supposed to have been there for 15. And my mom even told me that this. It's. You're only gonna be there for 15 minutes, honey. Just come stop by and say hello. Say hello to who? Am I saying hello to? You. I mean, I get it, but, you know, I've now been there for an hour and a half. It's been. It's been long. Way longer than anybody expected. We were going to be there, right? An hour and a half. Actually, I think it was more. Closer to two hours. We were there for a long time. And then we have to get my mom back in. And I know for a fact this is going to be another half hour project. We got to get my mom in. Well, you should have seen this limo driver. This limo driver literally tried to put my mom on her back. And my mom is no small woman. Literally tried to shove my mom in by putting her on her back and throwing her in.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You guys take her mom, which.

[Brian Greene]

Well, she. Here's a problem. She can't get into our cars.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, she can't get anything.

[Brian Greene]

No, she needs it. Like, there's only a couple cars that she can get into because of her mobility issues. Right. And so it was it. But I. I didn't think the limo was any better. I would have rather her try and step up into my big truck than try and get down into the limo. But at that point, the limo's paid for and Irving's son wants to go hang out the after party, I guess. I don't know.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, wow. Wow.

[Brian Greene]

Yeah. But this is.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You're a good son.

[Brian Greene]

I am a good son. And I'd like to make that known throughout the land, throughout the podcast universe. I just have to let you know, please, either let my funeral be a complete party of epic proportions or let it be an absolute shit show like this so at least you can squeeze some hilarity out of it here on the show.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Absolutely.

[Brian Greene]

And don't wait around for me. Find Somebody else to do the commercial break with. There's plenty of good suitors. Probably anybody would be better than me. But I have to tell you that I was so just. Not only did I think it was funny, not only was I dumbfounded by the whole thing, but then I was a little bit mortified at everything that just went down. It was hard to process, actually leaving. I've been to a lot of funerals. Not a lot, but I've been to. You know, we've all been to funerals. You get to a certain age, and that's all you start doing is going to funerals. There's no more weddings. It's all funerals now. But you go there and you expect. There's just a certain expectation of, like, how it's all going to go down. The part that I felt the most bad about was. And. And I realized, by the way, Irving was not. Is not native to Atlanta. He's buried here because his first wife

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

is here, and she bought the package.

[Brian Greene]

Well, I noticed that he was being buried next to her.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Wow.

[Brian Greene]

So they were in a dual gravesite together. Right. And I just felt so awful for my mom, also the cantor. Like, the only thing she talked about was the lovely relationship that him and his first wife had. And my mom's in the back sitting there, and I'm like, hey, guys, come on. But I do have to tell you, like, just burn me to a crisp and then have a party. Literally. Drink my ass.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's what I'll do.

[Brian Greene]

That's what I want you to do, because I want the same. Yeah. Why are we. Yeah. Why are we going through all of this? And I understand it's like, traditions, and he was a little bit of an older gentleman, and I do understand why a lot of people that couldn't show because they're in New York or other places that he's lived. Yeah. And it's not exactly.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Dear Irving, sorry.

[Brian Greene]

Dear Irving, sorry, I can't make it. They were literally RSVPing to his funeral. But what was amazing to me about all of this is learning that his first wife, 28 years ago, planned this for him.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. And that's odd.

[Brian Greene]

It got executed to the T. Every wish and desire that she had got incorporated into this service, including almost tipping over the casket. I kid. I kid. Of course.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. She might have paid for that, too.

[Brian Greene]

Hey, you never know.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She amended the package after they got divorced.

[Brian Greene]

That's an extra. That's an extra $20. It's an extra $20 to have the casket escalator. Break while you're lowering your loved one down in there. Actually, you know what? That's how I want to go. Burn me to a crisp and have me in a little, you know, what do you call this?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Earn.

[Brian Greene]

Earn. But what I would like is pretend as if I was actually put in a casket. Have a crappy crickety old plywood box made, and then someone push it over halfway through the service and have, like, a doll of Frankie B. Roll out. Or a sex doll. Have a sex doll roll. This is how Brian would have wanted to be remembered. Yes, like a sex doll.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I will do it.

[Brian Greene]

Oh, God. Brian. Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. He's amazing. And if you don't invite the British fluffer to my funeral, you fail. That's all I got.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He lives in New York. I don't know if you can.

[Brian Greene]

I want him to give the eulogy. Have him give the eulogy. All right, go to. You want to write my eulogy? Tcbpodcast.com I dare you. I invite it. Actually, I want you to go to tcbpodcast.com all the audio, all the video right there from one location. Hit the contact us button, send us a message, write me a eulogy. I actually. I'll read it on air. I think that'd be funny. Also, if you'd like your what would Frankie do sticker. Those are our brand new stickers. Series three just came out. We have them available now. Send us your physical address and every week or so we drop some in the mail. So if you want to be a part of that next round, send in your physical address.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

They're just off in creation right now.

[Brian Greene]

They're being created. They're off in creation. I sent them off for creation at the commercial break on Instagram TCB podcast on TikTok and YouTube.com the commercial break. Do us a favor, please go subscribe to the YouTube channel. I'm trying to get to 5,000 before the end of the year, but I'm going to need at least. I'm going to need most of you to do it twice if we're going to get to 5,000. All right, Chrissy. I guess that's all I can do for today, but I'll tell you that I love you and I love you. And I'll say best to you. Best you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time. Dearly departed that we meet, we always say we do say we must say goodbye.

[Rachel]

Finding ways to be financially savvy is a smart move. And Knowing you could be saving money for the things you really want, like that dream home or new ride is a great feeling. That's why the State Farm Personal Price Plan can help you save when you choose to bundle home in auto bundling. Just another way to save with the Personal Price Plan. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state.

[Brian Greene]

Quick choose a meal deal with McValue, the $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal, or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal, each with its own small fries, drink and Four Piece McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's for a limited time only. Presence of participation may vary. Not Valder MC. Saudi in the morning.