TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!

Summary

Detailed Summary of "TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!"

Episode Title: TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Release Date: January 2, 2025
Podcast: The Commercial Break
Hosts: Bryan and Chrissy
Guest: Chuck (Matt Williams)

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1. Elizabeth Russet's Pop Tarts Lawsuit

Timestamp: [04:05] - [07:05]

The episode kicks off with Bryan and Chrissy delving into a peculiar lawsuit filed by Elizabeth Russet against Kellogg's. Russet alleges that the fruit filling in Kellogg's Whole Grain Frosted Strawberry Toaster Pastries contains predominantly pears and apples rather than strawberries, misleading consumers about the product's true flavor and nutritional value.

Bryan humorously critiques the lawsuit:

Bryan [05:04]: "If you think that strawberry Pop Tarts, even if they're whole grain, have any kind of nutritional value whatsoever... Do you know what? Strawberries have a lot of sugar."

Chrissy adds to the mockery:

Chrissy [05:09]: "What about the frosting? On top. Does that, you know, make up for?"

The hosts collectively dismiss the validity of the lawsuit, questioning the real motivation behind such legal actions and highlighting the absurdity of suing over minimal strawberry content in a widely recognized snack.

2. Disastrous McDonald's Hot Fudge Sundae Experience

Timestamp: [07:33] - [11:53]

Bryan recounts a personal story involving a late-night trip to McDonald's drive-thru to satisfy an ice cream craving with his family. The experience turns sour when they receive sundaes that emit a foul odor and have an unappetizing, sticky texture.

Bryan [09:17]: "And the thing that I'm holding is all sticky. It's like everything's sticky, right?"

The hosts humorously speculate about the potential contents of the sundaes, jokingly suggesting the possibility of decomposing materials, though they ultimately decide to discard the questionable desserts without taking further action.

3. Satirical Take on Subway's Meat Quality

Timestamp: [11:53] - [12:33]

In a brief interlude, Chrissy humorously criticizes the quality of meat at Subway, describing it as unappetizing and likening it to improbable substances.

Bryan [11:53]: "It's just some conglomerate of like pig anuses or something."

The segment serves as a lighthearted jab at perceived inconsistencies in fast-food offerings.

4. Love Connection Parody Featuring Chuck

Timestamp: [43:25] - [66:24]

The centerpiece of the episode is a comedic parody of the classic dating show "Love Connection," featuring guest Chuck (Matt Williams). This sketch exaggerates typical dating show tropes with absurd and surreal elements, creating a satirical take on modern and outdated dating practices.

Chuck's Bizarre Backstory

Chuck introduces himself with an outlandish story about undergoing surgeries to gain women's legs and a uterus, blending grotesque humor with satirical commentary on gender and relationships.

Chuck (Matt Williams): "I've got a working vagina under that penis."

Hosts' Interactions with Chuck

Bryan and Chrissy engage with Chuck's exaggerated persona, poking fun at his unrealistic dating scenarios and the outdated advice presented in the parody PSA.

Bryan [46:20]: "Brian: I am ready. I'm pretty sure I have a working vagina under that penis."

The sketch continues with Chuck narrating an over-the-top dating experience, involving bizarre interactions such as his parents encouraging inappropriate behaviors and unwittingly participating in strange activities during dates.

Bryan [59:06]: "They bury him at the beach. My dad's heavy. I had to cut him into a couple pieces. You know how it goes, Chuck."

The parody highlights the ridiculousness of certain dating expectations and showcases the hosts' ability to blend humor with social commentary.

5. Reflection on Modern Dating vs. 1940s Dating

Timestamp: [15:07] - [42:27]

Bryan and Chrissy reflect on the evolution of dating from the 1940s to the present day. They discuss the complexities introduced by technology, such as ghosting and the immediacy of communication, contrasting it with the more straightforward, albeit rigid, dating norms of the past.

Bryan [15:07]: "In 2021, the rules have changed the game."

Chrissy [16:07]: "An aversion to conflict."

The hosts reminisce about the lack of digital distractions in earlier decades, suggesting that while modern dating offers more opportunities, it also brings new challenges that can complicate relationships.

6. Celebrating One Million Downloads

Timestamp: [03:00] - [04:05]

Bryan and Chrissy take a moment to celebrate their podcast reaching one million downloads. They express heartfelt gratitude towards their listeners, acknowledging that this milestone wouldn't have been possible without their dedicated audience.

Chrissy [03:16]: "Congratulations to you."

This segment underscores the hosts' appreciation for their community and sets a festive tone for the episode.

7. Community Engagement and Call to Action

Timestamp: [41:09] - [42:27]

The hosts encourage listener interaction by inviting them to text, call, or follow the podcast on social media platforms. They emphasize the importance of listener feedback and participation in shaping future content.

Patrick [42:05]: "You can text us hello at 212-4333, TCB."

This engagement strategy fosters a sense of community and encourages ongoing participation from the audience.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Bryan [05:04]: "Strawberries have a lot of sugar. That is good for you. It is very antioxidants."

• Bryan [05:30]: "Elizabeth, fuck you and your strawberry Pop Tarts."

• Chrissy [16:28]: "An aversion to conflict."

• Chuck [46:20]: "I've got a working vagina under that penis."

• Bryan [59:06]: "They bury him at the beach. My dad's heavy."

---

Conclusion

"TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!" delivers a blend of sharp wit, satirical sketches, and relatable discussions that encapsulate the essence of "The Commercial Break." Through humorous storytelling and engaging interactions, Bryan and Chrissy explore the absurdities of modern-day issues ranging from frivolous lawsuits to the complexities of contemporary dating, all while celebrating their podcast's success and fostering a strong connection with their audience.

Transcript

[Brian]

This episode is sponsored in part by Groons. It's a new year. And with a new year comes a renewed focus on my health and wellness. Sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed with all the supplements I'm taking. That's why we're happy to be teaming up with Groons. Groons has taken the time to understand proper dosing and ensure nutrition is safe and optimized. This isn't a multivitamin, it's not a greens gummy and it's not a prebiotic. It's actually all of those things and then some at a fraction of the price. Here's the bonus. It really does taste great. Grooms helps to ensure you're still meeting all of your nutritional needs. Needs. It's an eight gummy daily snack pack because you just can't fit the amount of nutrients needed into one gummy. Plus it makes for a fun treat in between meals for families like ours, they offer Gru's kids. Groons is more comprehensive and accurately dosed than my former nutritional supplements. And Groons is methylated, which is just fancy talk for vitamins like B12 and folate that can be absorbed by your body. Over 30% of us cannot absorb vitamins because we have a gene which inhibits us from doing so. Other companies don't methylate because it's expensive and and customers have no idea. Groons actually cares. The ingredients in Groons are backed by over 35,000 research publications. You wanted a supplement you can enjoy. This isn't a chore. It's something you look forward to get up to 45% off when you use the code TCB. So check out Groons. Use the code TCB. They'll give you 45% off. And thanks to Groons for being a sponsor of the commercial break.

[Patrick]

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[Brian]

What? I thought of something funnier than 2024.

[Kristen]

Let me hear it.

[Brian]

2025 on this episode of the Commercial break.

[Patrick]

Hey, hey, hey and Happy New Year to you. My podcast I don't know about you guys, But I am violently hungover and my entire body hurts from dancing my ass off last night. So that brings me to today. It's here. It's happening. It's another TCB classic. Dug right up from the very bottom of the annals of TCB all the way from 2021, if you can believe it. This is an episode full of pop tarts, dating advice from the 1940s sketch, and of course, love connection. What the fuck, Chuck? See you on the other side, where hopefully I will be a little less fragile and you will be la. Bye.

[Brian]

The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, it's another episode of the commercial break. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's Kristen. I'm Brian. And happy holiday.

[Chrissy]

Happy holidays.

[Brian]

Best to you, Kristen.

[Chrissy]

Best to you, Brian.

[Brian]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. I hope everyone's doing well. Chrissy and I still on a millionaire hangover. We're at a million downloads and we want to thank every one of you, oh, so much for listening you. You out there listening to us right now through your earballs, through your earphones, through your ear pods. Driving, walking, driving, walking, screaming, using squatty potty or, you know, whatever it is you're doing out there. We really appreciate a million downloads. Not possible without you. This million downloads brought to you by you. So there you go. Congratulations to you. Best to you is all we got to say. And best to you. Congratulations on that. So, yeah, a million downloads. We've been talking about it for a couple days now, and we are super excited. Out of New York. Breaking news.

[Chrissy]

Breaking news.

[Brian]

Breaking news. I'm gonna read this to you, okay? A New York woman named Elizabeth Russet is leading the crusade against Kellogg's cereal and breakfast brand. In her lawsuit, she claims that the fruit filling in her Kellogg's Whole Grain Frosted Strawberry Toaster pastries. If you're eating something with more than four names, you should change your diet. That's all I gotta say, right. Is mostly other fruit. According to the lawsuit obtained by tmz, the pop Tarts in question are actually heavier on pears and apples than strawberries. The nerve, which she insists is not enough nutrition to provide nutritional benefits to her body, let alone a strawberry taste. Russet claims that Kellogg's is using the packaging to fool folks who want a snack packed with more strawberries. She is saying that her damages, personal damages, exceed $5 million. And she would also like to see Pop Tarts relabel their strawberry Pop Tarts.

[Chrissy]

What about the frosting? On top. Does that, you know, make up for?

[Brian]

Absolutely, that's. That's packed full of nutritional value. Got 36 grams of sugar. It's made of basically potato starch. It's. I mean, if you're going to start the morning off right, Elizabeth started off with a sugar coated car bomb straight to your gut. Have a cup of coffee, right?

[Chrissy]

Why not eat regular strawberries?

[Brian]

This is the kind of person who.

[Chrissy]

Why not just eat strawberries?

[Brian]

Half a cup of French vanilla flavored coffee, mate in her coffee has a couple of strawberry Pop Tarts and is on her merry way to. In some office bathroom somewhere in New York where the unsuspecting poor office workers have to deal with it.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Brian]

Unbelievable.

[Chrissy]

Please go to another floor.

[Brian]

Unbelievable. Is this really, is this really what you have time for? Elizabeth, who's a lawyer that took on this case. Listen, there's a lawyer that will take on any case. I will almost guarantee you that There is a lawyer that will take on any case.

[Chrissy]

That's true.

[Brian]

As long as the lawyer is not, you know, creating some crime by taking the case. Like if you know that your client is lying and you go in front of the judge and, and proclaim that it's true or. I mean, I didn't want to get into it. Never mind. I'm not going to go there. I'm not going to speak politics on here because you guys don't care. Neither do I really. It's boring.

[Chrissy]

But I will break from that.

[Brian]

I will say, Elizabeth, fuck you and your strawberry Pop Tarts.

[Chrissy]

Stop taking up the court's time.

[Brian]

Stop taking up everybody's time. This is ridiculousness. This is phony baloney baloney right here. And it's of the highest order. If you think that strawberry Pop Tarts, even if they're whole grain, have any kind of nutritional value whatsoever and that the strawberries are going to add additional nutritional value. Do you know what? Strawberries have a lot of sugar. That's what they have a lot of. A strawberry has no nutritional value except for maybe a little bit of vitamin C. That is good for you. It is very. Okay. Antioxidants. If you're counting on a fucking Pop Tart to give you antioxidants, you gotta.

[Chrissy]

At least there were pears and what was the other one?

[Brian]

This. Pears and apples.

[Chrissy]

Apples.

[Brian]

Apples. This is the kind of lady who walks into a grocery store and is looking for a wet spot to slip on. This is the kind of lady who stands purposefully in the middle of the subway door hoping it's Going to close on her. This is the lady that would literally throw herself down an escalator at an airport so that she can go ahead and file suit. This is the lady who sues Kellogg's for a Pop Tart having two little strawberries in it. Okay, this is insane. This is insanity. Why? Why? Why? Let me tell you a little story. Let me go back.

[Chrissy]

Was that Subway thing though, that just came out about the, was it the egg salad or the tuna salad that didn't actually have tuna?

[Brian]

I mean, if you're eating again, if you're eating it Subway, you're expecting that your tuna salad has tuna in it. You got to, you got to like.

[Chrissy]

Subway has some of the worst investigative journalism that's coming out.

[Brian]

Subway has some of the worst quality meat you have ever seen in your entire life.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Brian]

It actually shines rainbow colors. If you look at it under, under lighting. I'm not even kidding. Like when you're walking through the aisle, if you see one of those, you know, one of the lights up top, you can, it's like a mirror. You can see it on the turkey and it's shining all kind of bright colors. You know what that indicates? It's not meat. That's what it indicates. It's just some conglomerate of like pig anuses or something. I don't know. Let me tell you a little story. But go, go back in Brian history and tell you a little story. It's about two years ago. I'm in a car full of in laws and we're coming back from something or the other. And it's about 10 o'clock at night and we decide, or somebody decides in the backseat, you know what would be really good right now? Ice cream. Let's get some ice cream. But there's no ice cream shops open at 10, 10pm it's just not the way they roll. You know, the kids go to sleep early so they don't. They're not open. So we decide the only ice cream that's palatable at this time of night is either we go to the store, which no one wants to do, or we go through a McDonald's drive thru and get a hot fudge sundae. Now that just, that just all largely depends on whether or not the hot fudge Sunday machine is actually working, right? Because most of the time the hot fudge machine is not working. That's a whole different story altogether. We go through the drive through, the guy tells us to please pull forward and he'll bring us his hot fudge sundaes.

[Chrissy]

Nice. Courteous.

[Brian]

Courteous. Very nice young man. 10:30 a night. There's no one else in the drive through line. I might mind you, right? So he comes, he gives us our, our Sundays, all of us. There's like five Sundays. And before I even, before I even open up my spoon, I can already smell something that smells like a dead raccoon. It smells awful. It smells awful. I mean it's, it's, it's worse than shit. It smells worse than shit. No, and the thing that I'm holding is all sticky. It's like everything's sticky, right? And so I put them ice cream up to my nose. I have a highly sensitive nose. I'm like, I have a hose for a nose. I stick it up to my nose and guess what? It's the ice cream. Or whatever's in the ice cream.

[Chrissy]

Rancid ice cream.

[Brian]

Rancid. Something is in there. It is fucking disgusting. So I say, everybody, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Smell your ice cream, right? To which then everybody goes around smelling their ice cream and they all smell like, smell this.

[Chrissy]

It smells bad.

[Brian]

Smells horrible.

[Chrissy]

Stinks.

[Brian]

So I'm like, okay, let's throw these out. Smell my finger. Smell my chin. That was a favorite one when I was a perverted young 21 year old. Smell my chin. How did your date go? So I don't know. Smell my chin. So I just say, throw these away, right? And you know, we'll go, we'll file a complaint with the manager because it's 10:00 at night. There's a bunch of young teenage punks in there. They're not going to do anything about it anyway. Well, Astrid is like, no way am I letting this go. So her and Gustavo go in, they have a conversation with the guy. The guy, you know, says, oh yeah, those do smell bad.

[Chrissy]

You know, he smelled it.

[Brian]

Yeah. And then, I don't know, I forget what happens. I think we got our money back. Astrid wanted to follow up with this. So I ended up calling a general manager like inquiry line, right? And I said something to this. But I think back on that whatever they had handed us was certainly rancid. It was bad. It was really, really bad. We could have easily called the health department and, or filed a lawsuit based on them putting endangering our health. We should have kept true, kept it, got it analyzed. Whatever was in there, there might have been decomposing body material. Somebody might have been buried in the fryer, something. I'm not even sure, but I never did that. You know, I never did that because I'm not that asshole who's gonna go file a five million dollar lawsuit against McDonald. Nothing happened. I didn't need it. Right? It's just a bad smell on my fingers. That's what ended up happening. And if I filed a lawsuit every time my fingers fell back, we'd be in court all the time.

[Patrick]

I know you're already on your phone, so pull up Instagram and follow us at the commercial break. And then follow us on TikTok@TCB podcast. Done. Perfect. Thank you. Since you're at the ready, why not text us hello at 212-4333, TCB. Or if you've got some drama in your life, a little fun story or anything really. We're desperate for content. Call and leave us a message at 212-4333, TCV. And don't forget to check out TCVpodcast.com because that's got it all. Speaking of having it all, let's listen to our fabulous sponsors and get back to the commercial break.

[Brian]

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[Patrick]

Commercial yeah, sure thing hey, you sell that car yet?

[Brian]

Yeah, sold it to Carvana.

[Patrick]

Oh, I thought you were selling to that guy.

[Kristen]

The guy who wanted to pay me.

[Brian]

In foreign currency, no interest over 36 months. Yeah, no. Carvana gave me an offer in minutes, picked it up, and paid me on the spot. It was so convenient.

[Patrick]

Just like that.

[Brian]

Yeah.

[Patrick]

No hassle?

[Brian]

None.

[Patrick]

That is super convenient.

[Chrissy]

Sell your car to Carvana and swap hassle for convenience.

[Patrick]

Pick up these mail ply.

[Chrissy]

Where'd you get those shoes?

[Patrick]

Easy. They're from dsw. Because DSW has the exact right shoes for whatever you're into right now. You know, like the sneakers that make office hours feel like happy hour, the boots that turn grocery aisles into runways, and all the styles that show off the many sides of you, from daydreamer to multitasker and everything in between. Because you do it all in really great shoes. Find a shoe for every you at your DSW store or dsw dot com.

[Brian]

I was trolling on the Internet, as you do, as I do. And, you know, I. I was saying this on Fireside. My wife started watching the Bachelor a couple nights ago, and it's back, which means 21 weeks of night of, you know, Bachelorette every fucking night, you know, five nights a week or whatever it is. There's so much of that show that goes on, the different versions of it and all this other stuff. It got me really, like, thinking about dating in general and how difficult dating in general really is. And especially in 2021, and I'm not even dating. I have no clue what it's all about. I'm just guessing that it's really a lot harder than it is when I was. When I was there.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian]

I mean, I'm lucky to have kind of fallen into a situation where I fell in love very quickly and we got married, and it ended up working out. So far. So far.

[Chrissy]

Me too. Me too.

[Brian]

But in 2020, do here, from the.

[Chrissy]

Singles out there, the tough.

[Brian]

Yeah, it's tough. The rules have changed the game. The game plan is not the same as it used to be. And people get hurt, feelings get hurt, things happen. But. But so rudely these days. So rudely and intentionally that it really makes me think, like, either people are turning into big assholes or they're all scaredy cats. Like, it's. You know, everything's. You're so scared of everything that you have to ghost everybody on the moment's notice.

[Chrissy]

An aversion to conflict.

[Brian]

Any little thing that bothers.

[Chrissy]

Except if you're behind, like, a total, like, Anonymously. Then you're good. Then you'll troll away and tell everybody they suck.

[Brian]

That's right. Yeah.

[Chrissy]

When it comes to somebody knowing who.

[Brian]

You are, then that's a whole different story altogether. Forget about it.

[Chrissy]

Yep.

[Brian]

So I decided that I would go and I would take a look at some old. I found a video. A dating do's and don'ts. How you ask out a girlfriend. A first date. This is from the 1940s. You want to hear this? It's an old PSA. You know how we like to go through the old PSAs. Yes. Let me make sure. Yeah. Okay, so let's take a listen to. Oh, wait, that's not it. I'm. I'm on the wrong channel. As I am.

[Chrissy]

As you do.

[Brian]

Yeah, as I do. Studio almost exploded this morning. We're lucky to be recording right now, actually.

[Chrissy]

The camera went flying into, like, a corner.

[Brian]

Yeah, I know I did. I told. You're going to hear this probably twice, but I'll tell it again. I went to go get paper in the closet that's right behind the camera. And as I did, my leg caught the wire that's keeping the camera connected.

[Chrissy]

You didn't jump the wire Higher than toe.

[Brian]

It's 5ft high. Caught it and the camera just went. It totally bent an entire USB port almost in a U shape, where we.

[Chrissy]

Even looked at it and said. Was it always like that? Yeah.

[Brian]

It almost looks like it was made that way because it got moved with such force. Surprised it didn't take the computer with it. You can see it on YouTube.com thecommercial okay. That's a. Okay. Yeah. All right. I know I'm always fucking up something, but here we are. We're.

[Chrissy]

We're here. We're okay.

[Brian]

Better than ever. Okay, now let's listen. This is choosing a date. Getting a date in 1943, I think, is what this is. Here we go.

[Kristen]

How do you choose a date? Whose company would you enjoy? Well, one thing you can. A stripper can consider is looks.

[Brian]

One thing you can consider is looks. One thing, One thing. One thing. If I'm. If I'm. If I'm a betting man and this is your first date, you should probably go with the looks.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, it's the COVID of the book.

[Brian]

Yeah, that's right.

[Kristen]

Thought of Janice and how good looking she was. He'd really have to rate to date somebody like her. Except. Well, it's too bad. Janice always acts so superior and bored. She'd make a fellow feel awkward and inferior.

[Brian]

Janice always ends up making things so boring.

[Chrissy]

Janice does.

[Brian]

Ah, Janice. She's a real fucking nut neck. Can't trust Janice with your feelings. She's so hot. But she's a snooze fest. I'm telling you, never in the history ever of ever has that mattered to a teenage boy. But good try, narrator.

[Kristen]

What about Anne? She knows how to have a good time.

[Brian]

She's a real sleazebag. How about that aunt? She's got a reputation with the boys. Yeah, I think that's what he's trying to say. Yeah.

[Kristen]

And how to make the fellow with her relax have fun too. Yes, that's what a boy likes. He wants to know he's appreciated and would be fun on a date.

[Brian]

Nope. Boy don't care about either of those things. I'll tell you what he cares about. We're talking. He's Talking to like 15 year olds here. Yeah, the guy. A kid does not think that. That clearly about whether or not he's gonna have fun. About whether or not she pays attention to him. You know what a boy cares about? Yeah. Boobs.

[Kristen]

How do you ask for a date?

[Brian]

Tinder. I mean, is that the way you do it? You go on Instagram and you say, hey, this girl, this girl I know. She. She's a single girl. She wrote on. On her Instagram. Hey is not a pickup line. You will instantaneously be deleted. But I think back to my Tinder days and I'm pretty sure hey was what I put on every girl I swiped right. I was like, hey, hey, you could.

[Chrissy]

At least do the H E E E y.

[Brian]

Well, you know, I. Sometimes I would pay with a winky face. And sometimes I put a hay with my winky face. My jackrabbit with extender. Winky face. There's no extender, though. It's just. Just a jackrabbit hides in a hole most of the time, comes out for feeding. I want to be clear. I have never sent an unsolicited dick pic in my entire life.

[Kristen]

What about this, Ian?

[Brian]

Well, how about a date?

[Kristen]

Well, I.

[E]

Well, really? No thanks, Woody.

[Brian]

Well, Anne's a real. Yeah, well, Woody didn't give it his best try. Hey, Anne, how about a date? But that is the. Hey. What? What? That was too funny. Yeah, he didn't give it his old. The old college try there. He basically said the 1940s equivalent of.

[Chrissy]

Hey, at least say your hair looks pretty or something. Please.

[Brian]

Thank you.

[Kristen]

Well, suppose he did it this way.

[Brian]

H. When the narrator goes h, you know, you're in Trouble.

[E]

Hi, Anne. What you doing Saturday night? Well, I. I guess I'm busy. Oh, yeah? And ain't the anti giving him the brush off for me? Well, of all the nerve.

[Brian]

Well, well, of all the nerve. Wow. Woody's got game.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, yeah, it's real. Real greaser style.

[Brian]

Yeah, I know.

[Chrissy]

I think there's like a pompadour.

[Brian]

No, it's like Leave it to Beaver. You got like the, you know, the wool suit on or whatever, you know, and the thing is here, it's if. Listen, I. You remember what having an old phone was like. You know, you'd have to pick up and you'd have to call at a certain time and you'd have to pray that the parents didn't answer the phone because then you'd have to talk to him, you know. Hey, is Mandy there? You know, who is this? This is Brian. What do you want to ask? Ye whole nine yards. I want to ask her on a date, you old hag. Get her on the phone. What? What? Who's this? What?

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Brian]

Chrissy and I were saying on an episode ago, there was a guy who could call the police department to complain that the police officers had stolen his weed. When they complained that they had stolen his weed. I'm going to. Give me one second when they. I'm going to turn this off because it's causing color fluctuations in our video. Let me stop to pause and explain to the audience what's. Why I just said that is because I broke the camera. And so when I broke the camera, we had this whole discombobulated thing. We have a TV that's right behind the camera that Christy and I can see each other on when we're doing the show. So we know if, you know, we look good and all that other good shit. But because I probably broke that whole system, it no longer works. So I turned on a television show while we were recording, which was a.

[Chrissy]

Man playing with a Barbie.

[Brian]

A man playing with a Barbie. That's right. I just. I was like, oh, just heading in the wrong direction.

[Chrissy]

It's a Barbie commercial. So that's fine.

[Brian]

I know contextual advertising. It's all the way for the future. So Chrissy and I did this show the other day. The guy calls back to 911-911. He calls 911 and he says, hey, I want my weed back. To which the officer says, give me your name. And every time that the officer asked him a question, to which he obviously did not, he didn't want to answer or he needed extra Time to answer. He'd go, what? So the officer be like, what's your name? What?

[Chrissy]

That's not the point. What county is this?

[Brian]

That's not the point. I want my weed back. Well, where are you staying? What?

[Chrissy]

It's a good all around answer.

[Brian]

All around answer. If you need to stall for time, just scream. What? Yeah, people will be confused. Is he having an episode? What's going on over there? What? Brian, are you okay? What?

[Kristen]

Is there another way?

[E]

Anne, this is Woody. Well, I have a ticket for the High team carnival Saturday and. Well, would you like to go? What?

[Brian]

What? First of all, the Clariville is called the High Teen Carnival.

[Chrissy]

Hi teens.

[Brian]

It's the. We're watching the birth of the very first insane clown pothy gathering of. Gathering of the Juggalos. The High Teen Carnival. What? I sure hope that Peggy says yes.

[Chrissy]

I do?

[E]

Why yes, Woody. I'll have to talk to my folks about it, but I think I can go. That'll be fun. Yeah. Well, shall I pick you up about 8:00? That's fine, Woody. 8:00 Saturday? I think it'll be all right. But I'll let you know for sure.

[Brian]

Why does every woman in all of these things. Every girl? Every woman. Why do they all sound like wind up dolls that make you pull the str.

[Chrissy]

The.

[Brian]

Sure, I'd be glad to go. Would you like to go on the date? I have to ask my parents. It's just too. It's too cliche to be real.

[E]

Bye. A date with Woody Saturday.

[Brian]

Saturday. A date with Woody Saturday. What will I wear? How much makeup should I put on?

[Chrissy]

All of it?

[Brian]

Who's bring. Who's bringing the prophylactics? We're going to the High Teen Carnival. I gotta get some sticky icky. Yeah, I better steal some stick icky from dad. Dad, can I have some of your sticky icky? What? Oh my God. This is too funny to know.

[Chrissy]

Is she getting ready in her boudoir?

[Brian]

Is that the new Yeezy song? Yeah. Is that X57 or whatever that guy's name is. Little. Little Nas. Big N. What's that?

[Chrissy]

Little Nas X.

[Brian]

Little Nas X. There you go. It is. She's getting ready for her boudoir. Of course she is. No, this is her. I think this is her mom whistling. And she's going to go talk.

[Chrissy]

Oh, her mom's like in the kitchen.

[Brian]

Yeah, she's new whirlpool. Using that new whirlpool dishwasher where you do everything except. Except rinse them. You Wash them, put them in the rack and we'll wash them again. You actually wash them and make sure they're clean. And we'll throw some water on them. $7,000. Get a new mortgage on your house.

[E]

Come in. Hi, Ann. Hi, Judy.

[Brian]

Wow, this is two twinkle toes here.

[Chrissy]

Oh, Anne. Hi, Judy.

[Brian]

Hi, Judy. Hi, Ann. Her mom walks in. How are you girls doing? You can't tell the difference between the voices. This is something straight out of casting.

[E]

What are you doing? Why aren't you being quiz two little sisters. I'm getting ready for my day tonight. For 40. Oh, he's nice. A date, huh?

[Brian]

He's got a nice ass.

[Chrissy]

Nice woody.

[Brian]

Where do you think he got that nickname from? All the girls in 11th grade are talking about it. He's got a high hard one. I saw him making out with the quarterback last night at the high carnival. He gets wild. Woody's got a real reputation.

[E]

So you do. I think the important thing about a date is to have a good time. You don't need to spend a lot of money to do that. You just enjoy whatever you're doing.

[Brian]

Ah, who's giving you that line of shit?

[E]

Yeah, whether it's movies or parties or anything. And you leave your boyfriend enough money so he'll ask you again. My, you'll be out late.

[Chrissy]

I can't understand that octave of her voice.

[Brian]

Yeah, no, she's saying that if you leave your boyfriend with enough money, he'll ask you out on the a second date because he can take you out. So this is teaching the women to be subservient. Yeah, frugal. Make sure you don't spend too much of his money. It's a whole thing.

[Chrissy]

Don't order the seafood tower.

[Brian]

Yeah, don't in Vegas. Seafood tower with crab cake and a crab cake extender. I hope you don't mind, I. I ordered a champagne, cream sauce, tower fondue, crab cakes, lobster, prime rib, anything. Anything you gold plated casino chips. We're gonna eat them all tonight. Don't worry about it. And I got. I've got Lady Gaga coming to sing at the table for us. Oh, look, there's Phil Mickelson. The golfer. That's right. We're going out to play nine tomorrow morning.

[Chrissy]

Chad, I don't have any more money for a second day.

[Brian]

It was fun while it lasted. Actually, I don't have enough money for this date. Can you call your mom and dad, tell them to pick you up Western? I'll be in the casino. Yeah, particularly late.

[E]

Mom and dad and I have an agreement about what time to come in. Look, how do you get my stockings? From the bathroom? Sure.

[Brian]

Never in the history of ever has a teenager had an agreement about what time to come in. The parents have said 10. 11. 10. Okay, I guess. Yes, you can.

[Chrissy]

Before cell phones. Hey, kids. Just before cell phones. It was a whole thing because my parents couldn't even get a hold of me. No, Mike, you just had to trust that your kid was gonna come home.

[Brian]

I had to check.

[Chrissy]

There's no tracking. There was no cell phone.

[Brian]

Yeah, it was all a whole different world. Like you went out, you went out and there was a phone where you were and you felt like you had a call.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, Chrissy in the world.

[Brian]

See you later. Me and your mom are gonna go smoke some meth. Don't come back for a couple days. Imagine how nerve wracking that that would have been just to send your child out, out into the world and then have no way of getting a hold of them and just praying that they come home. Yeah, what an anxiety filled world. Maybe it is better than it's 2021. I could literally put a tracking device up Mia's ass with a thermometer and.

[Chrissy]

Say, God, my sister sucked out putting them in their shoes.

[Brian]

Oh, yeah, they have the little eye things now, like the eye button or whatever you call it, like apple. And you can put them anywhere, right? They're tiny. It. Yeah.

[Chrissy]

No, I mean kids.

[Brian]

Oh, okay. I thought I was being tracked. Kid bastard's probably got a couple of those on me too. Yeah, I don't know what she needs it for. I'm right here in the studio.

[E]

Ed, were you excited the night of your first date?

[Kristen]

I sure was.

[E]

So was I. I took my date seriously. A date was a major event.

[Chrissy]

Why?

[E]

The night of my first date, my date had a flat tire and he was an hour late and he didn't even bother to call me. Well, when he finally came, I had to run upstairs and do my face and my hair all over again. Oh, I was so upset.

[Chrissy]

Cause in an hour it melted off. I was all of a sudden disheveled, waiting.

[Brian]

I had to put my wig on, my pantyhose, my girdle, my brassiere, my heels, my pumps. I had to wear two pairs of shoes back then. God forbid you show your toes in public. I had to. I had to psych myself up in front of the mirror. Don't talk, don't say anything, especially when we're not dancing. We did another episode about being single and one of the rules back from 1938 was don't talk while you're dancing. A man doesn't want to hear you when you're dancing. Nope, nope.

[Chrissy]

Wants that cheek next to him.

[Brian]

That's right.

[Chrissy]

Cheek to cheek.

[Brian]

That's it. I don't want to hear none of that yibber yabber. I don't want to hear none of that woman talk about emotions. Don't start crying on me. It really kills my boner and my buzz.

[Chrissy]

I've been drinking since noon.

[Brian]

I've been drinking since Dune. Can you stay sober enough to drive? Ah, you're a woman. You can't drive us home. Don't worry about it. I'd rather drive drunk than let you get behind the wheel. What do you know?

[E]

And the moral of that story is that I should be on time tonight, right?

[Kristen]

You bet. Hi, Woody.

[Brian]

Oh, hi. Goodbye, Dave. Yeah? Flowers.

[E]

Anne won't expect flowers, will she?

[Kristen]

Huh? Oh, I hardly think so. I'm thinking of Easter Mary because it's a special occasion, but I don't have.

[E]

To unless it's a ritzy affair.

[Kristen]

That's the general idea. Flowers for a farm are a very special party.

[Brian]

Otherwise, you don't need to waste your money on flowers. She's not special enough. That ad has been with every boy in the fourth grade.

[Chrissy]

Save it for booze, save it for liquor.

[Brian]

Save it for a hot dog. Hamburger Hill, or whatever they call it. Get up there to Hamburger Hill, get yourself a couple roofing and go to town. Boy. 1938.

[Kristen]

Say, I'll have to run.

[Brian]

Me too. See you later. Say I'll have to run. Like, what is that talk? Say, how you been? I know.

[Chrissy]

I'm gonna start talking like, I gotta.

[Brian]

Run and I'll go.

[Chrissy]

Okay, Brian.

[Brian]

Okay, Brian. I gotta skedaddle too. I only have four hours before my day. I better start putting my makeup on.

[Chrissy]

Is this the High. Is it a high teen?

[Brian]

That's a high teen party. That's the High Teen Carnival right there. It's a real swinging affair, Chris, if you know what I mean. All the kids are in their bebop skirts. The greasers are in the back smoking cigarettes. Yeah, smoking cigarettes.

[Chrissy]

Gum in their hair.

[Brian]

Jim Morrison is just being born. It's a whole thing. I don't know if you know this, but a swinging clarinet lets you know It's a rocking good time, high teen affair. Nothing says party like a rock clarinet. Nothing says party like a clarinet. I don't know if you knew that.

[Chrissy]

I heard that.

[Brian]

I remember when I was in the band. Good night, A clarinet did you guys.

[Chrissy]

Did 33p.

[Brian]

No, 33p. You didn't. But I played saxophone.

[Chrissy]

I played probably.

[Brian]

We didn't have a rock clarinet.

[Chrissy]

Yeah. Now, pinpointed things.

[Brian]

Yeah. I don't. I'm not knocking the woodwind section. I like clarinet very much. But you don't see it around too much anymore. I mean, every once in a blue moon, someone breaks out a saxophone, which I think is really cool.

[Chrissy]

Oh, God, I love horns.

[Brian]

Love horns. Saxophone, horn section. You get it? But very rarely do you see a clarinet. The clarinet is like the. It's like the stepchild, the wood section. It's for an orchestra. Exactly where no one sees it. Like third row. It's usually some diminutive woman. Usually the conductor is like, okay, clarinets, pipe down. I remember I was in band and I had this bad teacher. I won't give away his name. God forbid. God bless the guy. He was just. He was. You know, he was. And it'd always be like, okay, clarinets, pipe down. No one wants to hear you under his breath. No one wants to hear that shit. Saxophones, Give me more. Drums. Drums. First chair saxophone. Hit first chair clarinet over the head with your horn. Yes. There you go. Okay. All right. Piccolo clarinet's bleeding. Go get her some tissues. Hate the piccolo. There's never been a piccolo has two lines in any orchestra. The piccolo. Okay. Second clarinet. Shut up. You're gonna end up like first clarinet. I personally never achieved. I never aspired to be first saxophone. I was okay with third.

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Brian]

Because I just was kind of forgotten about it. If I wasn't playing the right notes, I just pretend.

[Chrissy]

Called out, yeah, no. Did you go like. But actually not blow anything.

[Brian]

Listen, half the time I didn't show up to, like, the football games and stuff. And I'm like, this sucks. I gotta go sit and play saxophone. I don't want to do that on a Friday night. I'd rather go get high. The high team at the High Team Carnival. That's what I want to do. But the couple times that I did, I had a good buddy named Russell, and he was like the. He was like that. He played baritone sax. Oh, and he was good. He was like a good baritone, but he played alto sax, too. So sometimes we would enter competitions as like, a baritone alto combo. And we'd have to, like, practice these things. Anyway, I think he ended up being first chair. At some point. Just look at me like, you know, he'd look at me and I'd be like, I didn't even have My mouth on the thing.

[Chrissy]

I was like, I wish you'd bust it out and dance, but not really be playing.

[Brian]

Yeah.

[Chrissy]

Acted like you are.

[Brian]

Okay, Green, we know. You just see, you're a warm butt in the chair. Just shut up.

[Chrissy]

Settle down, Green.

[Brian]

Okay, Green, pretend like you're playing. Because, you know, every. When we started a new. A new thing, a new piece of music, everybody would break into their groups and they do it. And then, you know, we come back together. And then, you know, he'd be, listen, we were horrible. Anyway, it was just bad. It was just bad. It was just like a high school band. You know, small high school band, Right? And so he'd be in. The conductor would be his. He'd be so, you know, excited about it. And he'd give us his hand and tell us to get more and more and more. And I'd be like, oh, I don't even know. I don't know what page we're on ever. Would be page on six, I'd be on page one. I always remember feeling such anxiety about being totally lost. And I'd be like.

[Chrissy]

I'm surprised you didn't show Astrid's parents.

[Brian]

No, I haven't broken out the saxophone yet. Nope. Nope. I haven't broken out the saxophone yet.

[Kristen]

The end of a perfect evening. But how do you say good night with your tongue?

[Chrissy]

That's what I say.

[Kristen]

Perhaps.

[E]

Don't leave.

[Chrissy]

Please. Did she say, don't please?

[Brian]

No, he said, don't leave.

[Chrissy]

He just left.

[Brian]

He ghosted her. Yeah. He's like, I hope you have a good night, baby. I did not. You spent all my money. There's no money for a second date. I gotta go. I'm embarrassed.

[Chrissy]

Fresh out.

[Brian]

Fresh out. I gotta go tune up for Tomorrow's saxophone recital.

[Kristen]

1Am or it could go this way.

[E]

Well, so long.

[Brian]

Well, so long. Could go that way.

[Kristen]

Just like that. After all, a girl likes to know you've had a good time.

[Brian]

It's so long. It's not. Yeah, so long.

[Chrissy]

I guess something's better than nothing.

[Brian]

Yeah. I mean, hey, listen, I think in 2021. Anybody take anything?

[Chrissy]

Yeah, that's. Hey, kids, that's what you need to do. Don't ghost. Just say so long.

[Brian]

What is the.

[Chrissy]

Those words?

[Brian]

Yes. Just say so long, and that way you can reserve judgment later.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Brian]

Spend. Sleep on it. Sleep with somebody else on it. Just figure it out. Let me ask you a question. What is the appropriate amount of time to wait to text somebody back? Like, to text somebody after a first date?

[Chrissy]

Oh, I Mean, I think, you know.

[Brian]

Next day, depending on how much I had to drink. Well, if I had a lot to drink, I'd probably be texting. Sorry, before I get out of the Uber. Sorry, I know I'm not your dream man, but can I be your now man?

[Chrissy]

I don't think there's a rule. I think it's, you know, customized.

[Brian]

Some people say the three day rule.

[Chrissy]

I know, right?

[Brian]

But I think that's way outdated. That's before cell phones.

[Chrissy]

Yeah. Then you think you're ghosted.

[Brian]

Yeah. Then you definitely.

[Chrissy]

In this age of immediate gratification, like if you don't hear something by the next day.

[Brian]

That's right.

[Chrissy]

Then they've driven off a cliff.

[Brian]

I, I think a couple of, A couple of hours to the next morning. If you've had a good time. Right. If you haven't had a good time, just text them immediately say so long. What?

[Chrissy]

So long.

[Brian]

Just send him a voicemail.

[Patrick]

Well, thank the baby Jesus. Brian took a breath. And now I will use this opportunity to let you know that we've got a brand new phone number. That's right, it's 212-4333, TCB. And you can text us anytime you want or you can call and leave us a voicemail and we might just use your message on the show once Brian gets through all the messages he missed last year.

[Brian]

Of course.

[Patrick]

Anyway, you can also find and DM us on Instagram hecommercial break and on TikTok CBpodcast. And of course, all of our audio and video is easily found on tcbpodcast.com Now I'm going to thank GE one more time that we have sponsors, so thank GE and here they are. Imagine what's possible when learning doesn't get.

[Brian]

In the way of life. At Capella University.

[Patrick]

Our game changing flexpath learning format lets you set your own deadline so you can learn at a time and pace that works for you. It's an education you can tailor to your schedule. That means you don't have to put your life on hold to pursue your professional goals. Instead, enjoy learning your way and earn your degree without missing a beat. A different future is closer than you.

[Brian]

Think with Capella University.

[Patrick]

Learn more at Capella.

[Brian]

Edu. Hey, you know, remember we were talking about the Love Connection a couple of episodes back? I actually found a Love Connection video that I'd like to play for you.

[Chrissy]

Okay.

[Brian]

Now, Love Connection, you know, it's. It doesn't move at the fast pace we're all used to. There's kind of some back and forth that goes on here that may not be relevant, but I'm sure you and I can have fun with it. This is the horniest man I've watched so many Love Connection episodes recently, I mean. And by recently, I mean the last six months. This is the horniest man I have ever heard on Love Connection.

[Chrissy]

Okay.

[Brian]

He really gets into it.

[Chrissy]

Okay.

[Kristen]

And he wants to have kids as soon as possible. And he says that his appearance really changed after high school. Please welcome Matt Williams.

[Brian]

All right, Matt. Yeah, go, buddy.

[Chrissy]

His appearance really changed after high school.

[Brian]

What? He got hair in his chest.

[Kristen]

How did things change after high school?

[F]

Matt grew. Oh, you were short. Yeah, I was five foot two.

[Brian]

Wait, you find I finally grew a dick. That's it, Chuck. You know how it goes. Us boys.

[F]

£95.

[Brian]

Really?

[Kristen]

All through high school.

[F]

All through high school.

[Brian]

And then you had a. Chuck acts like he cares. Really? All through high school. Really? Really? I've been drinking all afternoon. Really? What?

[Kristen]

The growing spurt went in your first year of college or.

[F]

No, in the military until I got about 22. I just grew within four years. I'm six one now.

[Brian]

Good. Wow. Yeah, they took a bunch of steroids. Good Lord. From the time you were 18 to 22, you grew 7 inches. That's insane. What did the doctors do to you? You had some special military program for predators.

[Chrissy]

Experimental program.

[Brian]

He's in the robot trying to grow.

[Chrissy]

Yes. People.

[Brian]

They cut my legs in half and they put somebody else's legs in. I've got a tan line where. So I got legs donated to me. I've got a woman's legs from the hips down.

[Chrissy]

Don't say they're shapely.

[Brian]

It's sick. And smooth. My mom always used to be like, you have beautiful. You have a woman's legs. That's what she used to. You have such pretty legs. You really do, Brian. They're like a woman's legs. And I mean, like. But a man, but like a woman.

[Chrissy]

A man woman.

[Brian]

I was always so self conscious. Meanwhile, I had hair on them in third grade. Like an entire bushel full. And I was like, what does she mean by that?

[F]

So I know. It was like being short.

[Brian]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

And you didn't like that?

[F]

No way.

[Brian]

No, no, no. Sorry. Bob didn't like being short one bit. That's why I got a woman's legs. That's why I went through that painful procedure. Took about six years of recovery in rehab.

[Kristen]

What's this rush to have?

[Brian]

Well, I'd want to go left and the legs Right. The woman's legs would want to go, Right?

[Chrissy]

Take a while to get used to it.

[Brian]

Every time I walk in the mall, I gotta stop at the Victoria's Secret. Not because I want to, because the legs just stop. I don't know what's going on. It's like they smell retail.

[Kristen]

You said you want to have children immediately.

[Brian]

Well, right now with you, Chuck, with these women's legs, I'm ready. I'm pretty sure I have a working vagina under that penis.

[Chrissy]

Right now.

[Brian]

Chuck, let's get this Love Connection counter rocket. Chuck, just pull up my scrundle sack and get the tail.

[Chrissy]

The audience will tell us how we're doing.

[Brian]

That's right. Along with the legs, I had a uterus implanted just in case. Let sav the audience name the child.

[Chrissy]

Oh, my God.

[Brian]

Between the woman's legs and my uterus. I know we can get this done, Chuck. It'll be the best episode of Love Connection anyone's ever seen.

[Chrissy]

Right away.

[Brian]

Right away.

[F]

Not immediately. I mean, girls.

[Brian]

Okay. Tomorrow. I'm okay. Welcome back for a second taping. They always do.

[F]

Soon. I mean, I've been my tom cat and days are over. It's time to. To go out and meet a lady and start having a family here. Yeah, I'm the last one hitting the family, so.

[Kristen]

You also said you don't. You. You buy something for women. Better than flowers. What is that?

[F]

Garter belts and lingerie.

[Chrissy]

The legs just stop at Victoria's Secret.

[Brian]

That's right. The legs just stop at Victoria's Secret. I say, well, when in Rome. I buy some garter belts for them. I buy some garter belts for me.

[Chrissy]

Win, win.

[Brian]

We're all good. Scandalous.

[Kristen]

You have to know someone.

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[Kristen]

You don't just do it on the first date.

[Chrissy]

Instead of flowers, here's your lingerie.

[Brian]

I bought you these crotchless panties. I bought you these edible nipple tassels. I'm so glad my aunt hooked us up on this blind date.

[Chrissy]

Here's some gratitude.

[Brian]

Here's some vanilla flavored thongs. You want to try them on? I'll take a lick. I'm hungry. Haven't eaten since San Francisco. It's a long way up to Modesto. I hope you don't mind. I started chewing on your panties on the way. I hope you don't mind. I took a couple bites out of the cross on the way over. So hungry. My blood sugar was dropping quick and my legs were getting twitchy.

[Kristen]

Gonna take a look at the women. The man had to choose From Remember, you're gonna pick the woman that you think's best for him. First, there's Susan. Susan describes herself as liberated with brains. She dates about twice a week. She has a thing for men with big feet. And she told us about a recent date.

[Chrissy]

I don't smoke. And I, you know, I don't really care and don't really date guys that smoke. And he knew that from the friend that set us up. And he said that he didn't smoke. And then I went to his apartment, and there on his nightstand in his bedroom was an ashtray filled with cigarette bats. And that was it. Those aren't mine.

[Brian]

Yeah, I don't know where those came from. What? I think my female legs are smoking again while I'm sleeping. They have a mind of their own. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm eating chocolate chip morsels by the handfuls. I don't know what's going on. Ever since this leg operation, things have gone south. I gotta be real honest with you.

[Kristen]

Okay, next. There's Mercedes. She was born.

[Brian]

Two people are clapping because everyone smoked in 1982. That's good for you, girl. You go, girl. You go. Yeah, good luck with that.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Born in Indianapolis, raised in Seattle. She thinks that she's more beautiful on the inside then on the outside.

[Brian]

Well, that's an assessment. I'm.

[Kristen]

She was married for seven years. She's been divorced for five years. But she's still wearing her wedding ring. And here's why.

[Brian]

I'm hoping he'll come back. I like to play pretend case.

[Chrissy]

I had a full size cardboard yesterday.

[Brian]

Just yesterday.

[Chrissy]

It's been five years.

[Brian]

That's right. I have a full size cardboard cutout sitting next to me in the bed smoking. We like to watch movies together. Smoking. I've burned two of them down. First of all, smoking in the bed is horribly dangerous.

[Chrissy]

Oh, my God.

[Brian]

I never did that.

[Chrissy]

Oh, sometimes I need it.

[Brian]

It rescues me. I can just say when a guy asks him, he comes up and he's, you know, he's the type of guy that I really am not interested in or I don't like.

[Chrissy]

I really don't like his disposition or his attitude.

[Brian]

I just say, I'm sorry, I'm engaged and I'm happy.

[Chrissy]

That takes care of the problem, usually. This is actually my ex husband. I think that might scare him off more.

[Brian]

This is my ex husband. I pay him to follow me around. They crush my dates.

[Kristen]

Finally, Lana. She was born and raised in Nashville. She thinks that she resembles Olivia Newton John. Her interests include sporting events, the theater, and movie trivia. And here's Lana on the subject of marriage.

[Brian]

I like this girl. I like Lance.

[Chrissy]

I always tell my mom I'm not.

[Brian]

Never marrying until I'm 25.

[Chrissy]

You know, I wait till I'm at least 25, and she's, you know, now she's like, honey, you're way past 25. Please do something.

[Brian]

You know, it's like.

[Chrissy]

Well, I figure when it happens, it'll happen.

[Brian]

You know, one day I'll meet someone.

[E]

And it'll be right.

[Chrissy]

One day I'll be on the day Dating Game.

[Brian]

One day I'll be mistakenly pregnant and I'll get married right away after that. Oh, that just happened on Love Connection.

[Kristen]

The three women Matt had to choose from. Time for you to match him up. Who you going to pick for him?

[Brian]

So everybody in the audience is now using the audience o meter, which is.

[Chrissy]

A button in front of them.

[Brian]

One, two, three. Yeah.

[F]

I chose Susie.

[Brian]

All right.

[Kristen]

Haven't seen each other. We always hear both sides say hello to Susan.

[Chrissy]

Non smoker.

[Brian]

The non smoker. That's right. Here comes Susan back there. Okay, pretty girl.

[Chrissy]

She's pregnant.

[F]

We spoke on the phone for about an hour, and we decided to meet and meet at a restaurant. Newport beach, on the waterfront. Have dinner.

[Brian]

Okay.

[F]

And I arrived 10 minutes early before she arrived, five minutes early before that. And she walked in, I thought, oh, man, she's got an awesome set of legs on her.

[Brian]

Oh, man, those nipple tassels are gonna fit those tits perfectly. She's got an awesome set of legs on her. Our legs knew right away. We are good. She's got an awesome set of legs on her. I can fit in those pantyhose. We'll be swapping pantyhose and leggings in no time. Hey, what do you think about Moon the Row?

[Chrissy]

I got a great opportunity for you.

[Brian]

I got a great opportunity for you. What if you went on a first date? It was like an MLM meeting. I. I will tell you. I will tell you.

[Chrissy]

I spotted you from across the way and I just knew you'd be a perfect fit.

[Brian]

Do you remember the young lady that I dated in Tennessee? There was a girl, she was a little bit younger than I was. You were upset because you thought she was too much younger than I was. I mean, she was legal, clearly, but she was. You thought. Remember? We got a little bit of a tiff, right? So we dated, tried to look out for you. You did okay. And listen, nothing bad happened in that relationship, it just ran its course. It went wrong for like three weeks and then. Then, you know, onward upward. But a year later, she called me and she was. Or texted me. I don't know if you remember this. I think I told you the story. And she was like, I'm coming in town to Atlanta and I'd love to meet with you. And I was like, oh, I guess you want to rekindle this place, right? And she lived out of state. Was mainly the reason why it didn't work out is because I. We didn't want. I got sick of traveling. Right. So a couple of hours before we meet, she says, hey, I hope you don't mind my sisters coming with me and her business partner. And I was like, what? I go, oh, okay. Yeah, sure. Why? Because we have a business opportunity we really want to talk to you about.

[Chrissy]

Download this PDF.

[Brian]

Yeah, it ended up being an mlm.

[Chrissy]

Okay.

[Brian]

Scam. Now I got. You know, I think it was her sister more than it was her. But she just literally, who do you know? Yeah, she wanted.

[Chrissy]

There's this guy I dated a year ago.

[Brian]

There's this guy. He was dumb enough to drive up here every Saturday night, give me what I wanted, and he left and kicked him out on Sunday. Told him I had to go to college.

[F]

She had told me she had long legs. And boy, she hit that one right on the nail right there.

[Brian]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

What'd you think of him when you saw him, Susan?

[Chrissy]

He looked pretty good himself.

[Brian]

He.

[Chrissy]

I was very pleased with the way he looked.

[Brian]

His legs look great too, Chuck. It was a match made at Leggy Heaven.

[Chrissy]

After my eyes adjusted to the light, I could finally. It was very dark walking in there from the sunlight. But he looked really good.

[Brian]

Good. I like to take my dates to a very dark place. I don't want them to notice my women's legs right off the bat. Chuck, please. Or the fact that I have lingerie waiting for them at the table.

[Kristen]

Okay, so you're both happy with your. Each other's looks. Now what happens?

[F]

We sat in the cocktail lounge to our table, was ready and had a glass of wine. And I was just looking at her legs, just going, man, I'd sure like to rub those legs. Thanks.

[Brian]

There we go. Jesus.

[F]

Right there, right in front of you.

[Kristen]

Both tweaking the carburetors and moving along.

[Brian]

So now we're tweaking the carburetors. The Chuck. The Chuck. I'd love to put my hands on those legs. Someone else's legs besides my own for change.

[F]

Well, well, we were going to go out, dance, and I said, we're getting along so well. I said, well, why don't you just go get a bottle of wine and go down the beach for a while and go. You want to go from there? So we went down to my house.

[Chrissy]

A little across the street from the.

[F]

Beach, popped open the bottle of wine and.

[Kristen]

So go to the beach. Didn't necessarily get a blanket and go to the beach. You meant.

[F]

Well, we went by to the house to get the blanket to go down the beach with some glasses, too. I didn't buy the glasses in the store either, but walked in there, I said, I've got to have a kiss. So we kissed. Went real well. It was real nice. She kisses real well.

[Kristen]

Now, is this one kiss here, Susan, or what?

[Chrissy]

No, not quite. You know, it went on for maybe 10, 15 minutes, and Jesus, they're kissing.

[Brian]

They're making out for 10 or 15 minutes. Now, let me remind you, kids at home, they have met at his house. Now they go or they met at a bar. Then.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, within an hour they were supposed to go dancing.

[Brian]

They're supposed to go dancing to another safe public location, right? Within an hour, they're back at his house so that they get a beach blanket and some glasses and go down to the beach. Now, I'm not. Listen, I say this probably happens now here and all that. You just like. Yeah, I think people would be a little bit more cautious.

[Chrissy]

Caution.

[Brian]

Yeah. Anybody ever watched a Netflix special?

[Chrissy]

Right?

[Brian]

Everyone ever watch I love you or.

[Chrissy]

Whatever True crime document.

[Brian]

Oh, my God.

[Chrissy]

Podcast.

[Kristen]

So you're actually making out there in the living room.

[Brian]

Oh, we are going to town, Chuck. It's a little strange because he had roommates, but I figured, you know, while we're here. A little strange because his mom and dad were home watching TV in the living room. In the living room. We were on the floor. You know how it goes. He said, I don't worry about it.

[Chrissy]

They're used to it.

[Brian]

They're watching Jeopardy. They won't know.

[Chrissy]

Encouraging me to have children right away, right away.

[Brian]

Hurry up, Mark. Get her pregnant.

[Chrissy]

Fit your hand, go on.

[Brian]

Yeah, well, you need mommy to give you a spanking, help you along. Like when you were a little teenager. I caught you whacking in the bathroom. I used to spank you on the butt with that soup ladle, and it just moved you right along.

[Chrissy]

I got ready for the the beach by just taking my high heels and stockings out and putting some low sandals on. And then that's when he told Me. He wanted to lick my legs.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[Chrissy]

What?

[Brian]

Jesus Christ, Mark. My legs. Jesus.

[Kristen]

Can you imagine? Excuse me.

[Brian]

In front of his parents, in front of his. In front of mom and dad. It was actually dad that made this suggestion. Why you got to lick her legs, Mark? Nothing says I love you like a lick on the legs.

[Chrissy]

First date lick on the legs.

[Brian]

That's make. That'll make you comfortable.

[F]

Well, she smiled.

[Brian]

It didn't.

[F]

She smiled. It didn't offend her.

[Brian]

Oh, it didn't.

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Brian]

Yeah. She smiled because she's locked in your apartment.

[Chrissy]

Please don't hurt me. Please don't touch that.

[Brian]

You don't chop her up for her legs with a Vegemite 3000 or whatever they called this.

[Chrissy]

Sounds like he wanted a new set of legs.

[Brian]

Oh, yeah, he's looking. Shark just keeps. Or Mark just keeps sawing off women's legs and sticking them back on his own. I'm getting taller by the moment. Every day I get a little bit taller. It takes me a couple months to recover. I lose a lot of blood in the process, Gentlemen, when I go out.

[Kristen]

Oh, I can tell.

[Brian]

So.

[Kristen]

So now, did you go to the beach?

[F]

Well, we sat on my couch for a while and kissed him.

[Brian]

I'm going, yeah. They just. He just said they did. Well, we sat on the couch. He me. He me with all he had. Chuck, you ever. You ever been so hard a filling comes out? That's how we did it. His mom and dad cheered us on. I answered questions on Jeopardy. As I always do.

[Chrissy]

He licked my leg.

[Brian]

He licked my leg. Ah, he's a one pump jump, Chuck. I'll tell you what, he can hold his own.

[Chrissy]

He's not a smoker, though.

[Brian]

No smoker. Smoke one cigarette while I was there, gentlemen. Through and through. Licked my legs. Brought me lingerie. Me in front of his parents. Kept jeopardy on while we made love for the first time. It was an experience I'll never forget. Never made it to the beach, though. And this, my friend, is why. A million downloads, yes, is not surprising. This is classic tcb.

[Kristen]

Guess that you never went to the beach.

[F]

Oh, we sure did.

[Kristen]

You did all right.

[F]

We did make it down to the beach.

[Brian]

And I had to clean up the evidence. I had to dispose of the evidence. Chuck, we killed my parents. They were bothering us. We buried him at the beach. My dad's heavy. I had to cut him into a couple pieces. You know how it goes, Chuck. Chuck's just so friendly. He's like, yeah, yeah, sometimes you gotta murder your parents. We'll Be back in June too. Sounds like you had a good time. Let's figure out who the date. Let's figure out who the audience picked for you.

[F]

You're probably down here. Good hour and a half or so and did a lot of kissing. Looked at the waves a little bit. Not a whole bunch, but more kissing and saying. And just went back more kissing.

[Brian]

You know, the producers have told him not to take that story any further.

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Brian]

Okay, yeah, we get it. You but kissing. Primetime audience, just kissing. That's all I want you to talk about.

[F]

Up to my house. And we just.

[Brian]

It.

[F]

It ended real nice. I walked her out first. I asked her. I go.

[Brian]

Ended real nice. I finished on her back, threw a dirty dish towel and said, don't you clean up while I take a shower, because I'm a gentleman through and through. Lingerie, nipple tassels, Licking legs. Licking legs. I only need to pay for one drink at the bar. I've already scored. Oh, yeah. Staying for free with my parents.

[Chrissy]

The waves are free.

[Brian]

The waves are free. Beach is free.

[Chrissy]

I already have the blanket.

[Brian]

That's right. I already had the blanket. Didn't want to get that all messed up. So I finished on her back and went about away. I told her to roll around in the sand for a few minutes to get rid of that. Don't worry about it. Go jump in that dark ocean. Go jump in that dark ocean and clean yourself off. I'll meet you back at the apartment.

[F]

Well, you want to spend the night? She lives a whole three miles from. I figured it'd be a long drive.

[Kristen]

Three miles clear.

[F]

I was. I was just trying to be nice about it and she. She declined and.

[Kristen]

But your heart of hearts. Were you glad she declined?

[F]

Yes, because I was. I'm really. I was real pleased with the way she was. She's a very strong woman and I like that. She's really. She had no problem getting a guy's face.

[Brian]

How do you know that? I guess you figured that out. You better put your dick away, Mark. I know the 15 pressure points on a man and scrundle sack is one of them. I would take that other testicle out.

[Kristen]

Mark, they want to see the audience pick for you.

[Brian]

Who did the audience pick? Oh, wait.

[Kristen]

Oh, they picked that southern accent.

[Brian]

I knew they would.

[Kristen]

55.

[Brian]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kristen]

Well, I can. I can understand why her little. Little bite.

[Chrissy]

Okay, I'll try her.

[Brian]

Did say that I had a real good time, but you too. Yeah. See ya.

[Chrissy]

What was the dating?

[Brian]

Yeah.

[Chrissy]

So long.

[Brian]

So long what? I mean, we had a Great time and everything. Yeah, call me again. But they're gonna pay for a second date. I. I might as well try.

[Chrissy]

I spent all my money on you.

[Brian]

I might as well sample the wares, if you know what I mean. I think the record on this. Here's how it works. If. If the audience chooses a different person. So. So you go. I imagine you go to the studio, or they send you a couple tapes. You have these three choices. You pick the person you want to go on a date with, or you let the audience choose.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Brian]

If you pick the date and then at the end of the date, the audience chooses someone different, you can then go on a date with that person. They'll pay for it. And you come back and you talk about it.

[Chrissy]

Right.

[Brian]

I think the record is 5. I think someone has been on their 5.

[Chrissy]

To where they chose to not go on the person. They already did.

[Brian]

Yeah. Or they had a bad date, and then they do.

[Chrissy]

Then they take you up.

[Brian]

Take you up on it. And then after five times, I remember the bad state.

[Chrissy]

Bad dates.

[Brian]

There are bad dates that happen. And maybe we'll. Maybe we'll review those in a future episode, because that seemed to be funny. I didn't think that was gonna be all that funny, but it actually ended up being pretty funny. So sometimes you just don't know until you get on air and you start working with it. Yeah. Some of the things you think are funny are duds, and then some of the things you think are duds are funny.

[Chrissy]

Y.

[Brian]

So. All right, well, listen, I had a great time here today.

[Chrissy]

Oh, my gosh. I've laughed, We've cried.

[Brian]

Congratulations on a million downloads.

[Chrissy]

I'll get you. I'll get you some edible panties.

[Brian]

Panties. I gotta. Well, don't worry. Next time I stop by Victoria's Secret, my legs are just gonna walk me right in there. Remember, go to tcbpodcast.com, please do that. Follow, like, subscribe, rate, review all that stuff on your favorite podcasting platform. It really does help us out, and we certainly would appreciate. I know a lot of you have already done this, but I would do it for you. Yeah, do it again. Or. Or. Or if you haven't done it yet, I know that it just. Just takes a few minutes out of your day, and it really helps us. I want to thank all of our sponsors for tcb, if you can buy their products and services, because that also help helps us out. And if you want your collectible TCB sticker, we've just got a few left of the first edition. To find out how you get that sticker and where you get that sticker, go to tcbpodcast.com and click on the button that says, give me my sticker. That's pretty easy.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Brian]

I want to thank once more Siete Chips, Project Poyo, and Moon Cheese for providing snacks for the studios. Okay, that's it. That's all I can do today. What else do we need to do?

[Chrissy]

I think that's it.

[Brian]

Okay, so I'll say this. I love you.

[Chrissy]

I love you.

[Brian]

Best to you, Best to you, and best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, we must say bye, Sa.