C (2:30)

A good party weekend.

B (2:32)

They. She calls it. They call it here the Dania Improv. That's all they say. Not Dania beach improv, but the Dania Improv at Dania Beach. So maybe there is no Dania Point, and Brian just made that up in his head a long time ago. Yeah, the point, I don't know. I think of a beach, I think of there's a point. And what point is that? I don't know, some point out in the water. Like they build a bridge, you know, whatever they call that a boardwalk. And then you say, that's meet me at the point. I don't know.

C (2:58)

Oh.

B (2:59)

Anyway, Kelsey is a very talented comedian. She has a podcast, of course, with her lovely boyfriend. She's, you know, she's one of these that's got a boyfriend that's also a comedian.

C (3:09)

Yeah, I think it, you know, I think that makes things work.

B (3:13)

Yeah.

C (3:13)

Because the other one kind of understands then what they're. Yeah, because they're doing.

B (3:17)

When you are on the road that much, when you're out there and you're on the road and you're doing 150 nights a year, that's a really tough way to live. And I don't. I've. Aser and I did a long distance relationship for the first six months of our life, eight months of our relationship or whatever. It was extremely difficult, but we would get like two or three weeks with each other every other month or every third month. So when you're just like, I, hey, honey, how you doing? Throw a load of laundry in and then you're off to the next place, that's got to be really difficult. And so I would imagine having a boyfriend that does it also is probably just a little bit easier because at least they understand what you're going through. Maybe Astrid would like me out on the road 150 nights here. Chrissy and I were talking about something the other day and she goes, do you want to do stand up comedy? And I said, listen, if I was going to do stand up comedy, this is not the time in my life to do stand up comedy. I can't be away from the house 150 nights a year. Astrid would fucking kill me. She hates it when I'm in the studio for an hour after the kids go to bed. I think she's going to deal with me like taking a flight every five minutes to go. No. Second of all, I probably wouldn't be all that good. I'm just not that funny. But Kelsey, again, a very talented comedian.

C (4:29)

She's very funny.

B (4:30)

She is very funny. I checked out her new special Yeah, I did too. Oh, you did? What you think?

C (4:35)

I loved it.

B (4:35)

Yeah, it was good. What is the name of that new special? Hold on one second. The Hustler. The Hustler is what it's called. She's got a special called the Hustler. It's out there on YouTube. 800 pound gorilla, which so many of the comedians that come on this show have specials on. 800 good for 800 pound gorilla. Comedy Central of the digital age. Kelsey Cook. Dot com. You can find tickets to her tour, link to her special, and of course, links to the podcast. And we're just so. We're so tickled to have her here today. She is. Well, at least I think she's a Midwestern girl now. She a Midwestern girl now?

C (5:12)

I think so.

B (5:13)

They live, like, somewhere. I don't know.

C (5:15)

They live in Minneapolis.

B (5:16)

We'll figure it out. We'll ask her all that information. So, Chrissy, the. Now it's time for. You know what the time is for the awkward transition phase where Brian doesn't know what to do with himself, so he just pretends like he knows what he's doing with himself. Let's take a break. I. I am asking you a question. Should we take a break and then when we get back, we'll invite Kelsey to come on and she will be here. Through the magic of telepodcasting, I think.

C (5:37)

That we should do it, Brian.

B (5:38)

I think I should trademark that word, telepodcasting, because I think I'm the only one who's ever said it and probably no one knows what it means.

C (5:45)

It makes sense to me.

B (5:46)

It does. But she's actually not on the telephone, so why I'm saying telepodcasting. Telehealth. Telehealth. All right, so let's do that. Let's take a break. We'll get Kelsey on the line and we'll be back after this.

D (6:01)

My darlings, my angels, my sweet little cherubs. It's that time again where I try to convince you to follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok CB podcast. We really don't post that much, so it's no skin off your nose. If you'd like to get in touch with us directly, you can text us or call us and leave us a voicemail at 212-4333, TCB. You know, we are just sitting by the phone waiting with bated breath for you to call. So please leave us an ask TCP and we'll give you some mildly concerning advice, peace and blessings.

B (6:38)

Kelsey's here with us now. Thank you very much for joining us. We appreciate it.

C (6:41)

Hi, Kelsey.

A (6:42)

Hi, guys. Thank you for having me.

B (6:44)

You're welcome. I was watching your Instagram this morning, and you had a lot of questions about vasectomies.

C (6:52)

Oh, yeah, that's right. You know, some.

B (6:54)

I just wanted to let you know, if you have any questions, I'm happy to answer them for you.

A (6:58)

Okay. Yeah. How long have you been vasectomy?

B (7:02)

I've been vasectomized for almost six months.

C (7:06)

Yeah, that's right.

B (7:06)

Wow.

C (7:07)

My husband did it too, like, a few months before that.

A (7:10)

Okay.

D (7:11)

Yeah.

A (7:11)

I mean, my questions that I had for my boyfriend, because he's the first person I've ever been with who has had one. You know, I just, like, I did not know medically what that would do to the stuff that would be coming out of there. And so I was like, is this, like. Is this, like a dust situation? Am I. Is it clear? I was wondering if it's like a white Gatorade sort of situation, you know? And so it's like, I do feel like it's still mostly normal. Is that what your experience has been as well? Okay.

B (7:47)

Yeah. Now I haven't tasted my own semen.

A (7:49)

Yeah, sure.

B (7:50)

But, you know, there's a lot of life left to live. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you get weird as you get older.

A (7:54)

So we're going into the weekend. I don't know what you're into.

B (7:58)

I feel like it's 20, 24. Anything's a good game.

A (8:01)

Yes.

B (8:03)

I will say that. I've. I know guys who have had their prostate removed because of prostate cancer, and that is a dust situation. Like, there ain't nothing coming out still can, of course, achieve an orgasm, but with the vasectomy, I also had these same questions for my doctor, too. And I'm like, is it gonna change the consistency or the color? And he's like, no, it doesn't change anything. You're just not gonna have actual life.

C (8:27)

Swimmers.

B (8:28)

Swimmers. A part of it. What? I don't feel like they told me and maybe you talked to Chad about this. What? They didn't. What? He didn't tell me, my urologist was that a lot of men experience this, like, phantom pain. It's like you've had something amputated, and it can go on very long time now. My own only lasted for, like, three or four months, but I really was in pain for, like, a whole long time. So I called my doctor, and I'm like, hey, dude, you Said, this is like, a painless thing. I'd have a few days. I put an ice pack on it. Well, 43% of men experience phantom pain like an amputee would. And I'm like. Like an amputee would. You amputated my nuts, dude. What the Are you doing?

A (9:10)

Yeah. So what did it feel like you were. Was it just, like, achied? Is it like. Yeah.

B (9:15)

Kicked in the balls.

A (9:16)

Oh, my gosh.

B (9:17)

Kicked in the ball. Yeah. It wasn't very pleasant, I gotta be honest with you. But there is something. There is something different about the quality of the orgasm. Now that I'm. Now that I'm all healed and stuff, I will say that it's better. And I don't know why that is. It is. I don't know why that is.

C (9:33)

Because there's nothing to worry about mentally.

A (9:35)

You'Re just a free bird coming, not worrying about anything. Right.

B (9:41)

I'm just a hot jizzing dude. It's probably because I don't have to pull out. That might be.

A (9:47)

Yeah, that would probably be a. If you guys don't make merch that says hot jizz. And, dude, you are seriously missing out on money.

C (9:54)

I did.

B (9:56)

That's fantastic. Your boyfriend is Chad Daniels, also a comedian. Why did he have a vasectomy?

C (10:02)

And you guys have a podcast together, too?

A (10:04)

Yes, we have a podcast together called Pretend Problems. So he had gotten the vasectomy long before I was in the picture because he had two kids pretty young, and then he knew he was done, so he had had a vasectomy for a while. And then I ended up getting an IUD because I just wanted to make my period go away. But now we have. It's like. It's like two goalies on a soccer field with no other players. Like, there's just, like, so much defense for no reason. It's. It's just a lot going on. It's like a Swiss bank vault. So it's. It's like, a little unnecessary, but it's fine. He has a really funny joke, and he has a new Netflix special out. And so he talks about that, like, if I did somehow get pregnant, it would be the creepiest child on the planet. Just, like, walking through its crib like.

B (10:57)

Hello.

A (11:02)

We hope that there is not an accidental pregnancy, because I think we.

B (11:04)

Would be terrified of that child if you get pregnant. Chad's got some questions.

A (11:09)

That's all that's in his act, too. He's like, when you go get a pregnancy test, why don't you get a paternity test, too, because. Not mine.

C (11:17)

Yeah, double it.

B (11:18)

Yeah, fair enough. When did you start comedy? What was. What was your. What was your journey? I'm always interested to hear.

A (11:25)

Yeah, So I started 15 years ago. I started when I was in college and I had started to take a public speaking class because it was just a requirement of the major I was in. And, you know, most kids were just trying to, like, get the grade and get the fuck out of there. And I kept taking all of my assignments and making them comedy skits, basically to the point where my. I was, like, coming into class in costumes. Like, I probably seemed, like, deeply unwell. Like, I really looked unhinged, I think. But I. I don't know, it, like, hit this thing in me that I had never experienced. I was like, oh, my God, I'm loving this so much. This is so fun. And so my professor pulled me aside one day and was like, you kind of remind me of Kristen Wiig. And, like, this is really funny. And I just feel. Feel like you should do something with this. Like, you're clearly having a great time and this is great. So anyway, I ended up going to the, like, monthly open mic at my college cafeteria, which is truly a fucking hellish way to start.

B (12:28)

Oh, my God.

A (12:29)

Comedy. Because you're just, like, interrupting people's dinner. Like, nobody, of course, really interested.

B (12:34)

No one gives a shit. No. Yeah, everyone's cynical.

A (12:38)

Like, you're performing to the sound of, like, clanking silverware. Yeah, it's not. It wasn't.

B (12:44)

So I feel like fish got started the same way or something.

A (12:46)

Oh, my God.

B (12:46)

That.

A (12:47)

That checks out.

B (12:49)

That checks out.

A (12:50)

But, yeah, so I started there, and then I just feel like if it goes even marginally well the first time, you get hooked so fast. And then from there, it just kind of, like, snowballed. And I moved to Seattle after I graduated, and I was in that scene for a few years and then moved to la, and that's when I started opening for Jim Norton on tour. And so that was.

B (13:11)

Oh, Jim's really funny.

A (13:12)

Yeah, so funny. Yeah, that was kind of my first step in, like, really doing it for a living, and then kind of transitioned from that feature opening position to headlining.

C (13:23)

So I love it.

B (13:25)

So let me ask you a question. So we've talked to a lot of different comedians and one's from New York and one's from LA and one's from Indiana. And so there's everyone's. You know, I know that just, like, the fabric of the United States or anywhere around the world, different Scenes, different people, different vibes, different jokes hit here or there. Like, you're not going to tell Trump jokes and, you know, the middle of San Antonio, Texas. Yeah. Right. And so is there, like, when you're in Seattle, what's the. What's the comedy vibe there? Because I think you're the first comedian we've had that actually spend time in Seattle doing comedy.

A (13:59)

Yeah, I know Seattle doesn't really have, like, a. Well, I guess they have a club called Laughs, but they used to have one called the Comedy Underground, and that went under during COVID So the closest one they have that to me is like a major, large club is Tacoma Comedy Club, which is like an hour.

C (14:15)

I think Joe Dombrowski.

B (14:16)

Joe Dombrowski was there.

C (14:18)

He's up there.

A (14:19)

It's such a fantastic club. It's like my home club. But, yeah, I mean, I think coming up in Seattle during those years was a good time because you could get better. Like, you could bomb and be bad, and it didn't impact your career. Right. It was because you kind of need a scene when you're, like, you're starting out, you have to go on stage and just, like, figure out what's funny. And I think it's tough when people now go right to LA or right to New York, because it's like, ooh, you, like. I don't know if you're, like, ready yet to have these big people see you when you're not in a position to, like, really get going yet. So I think most comics try to find a smaller scene first to get better in and then go to a bigger one.

B (15:05)

Yeah, I think we had someone. I mean, a lot of comics from New York, but someone told us, like, New York is the. Is the hardest scene. Like, if you're not good, you're gonna figure it out real quick because everybody else is gonna figure it out real quick. Right. And then you're not gonna be very welcomed anywhere else.

A (15:21)

Yeah.

B (15:21)

And when you went to la, is that transition, like, is that really hard? Because la, also known for great comedy. Right. You've got the Comedy Store out there and you've got the improv.

A (15:31)

And, yeah, they will let you know for sure as well if it's not going great. But I did. I got so fortunate that my touring with Jim started within a few months of me moving to la. So I had a very unusual experience. I got pretty lucky that I did not have to do, like, the open mic at the Laundromat grind for years. I was so fortunate that getting to go on tour with him. I started opening for him in, like, theaters. So I was, you know, it's hard because you don't want to take a lot of risks on those shows. Right?

B (16:10)

Sure.

A (16:10)

You're trying to just, like, do your absolute best. So I think there are, like, advantages and disadvantages. But I got to really get so many reps on these big stages and then go back to LA and like, do try to do smaller shows and work on new stuff there. But it was a really great opportunity for me.

B (16:30)

So two questions, two questions about that. So number one, yeah, that's very interesting because when you're opening for Jim Norton and he's doing these theaters, you know, thousand seat, 2,000 seat, 3,000 seat, your job is not to. It's not like a formative job. You're not there to test out jokes and write a new hour. You're there to kill. So that when Jim gets. Or you're there to kill or that you're there to bomb, he looks better. Looks better. This is not a test out my new set kind of thing. You're. I got to give him my tightest 15 or 20 minutes or whatever it is, and then Jim's got to come out.

A (17:04)

Yeah.

B (17:04)

So that's. That's very interesting. How did you connect with Jim? How did you get, like, go from Seattle to all of a sudden, I'm opening up for Jim Norton?

A (17:12)

Yeah. So when I moved to la, he had tweeted that he was coming to LA to promote his new special, and he had, like, just asked his followers, like, what podcast should I do? And I had a really, like, piddly little podcast at the time where I would interview other comics. And I had some of my listeners tweeting at me like, oh, try and get Jim on. And I was like, he's not gonna do my show. He doesn't know me. This isn't some big podcast. But he had his business email listed on his account. And so somebody was like, oh, this is his email. You should just reach out. And I was like, okay, fine, I have nothing to lose. And so I was like, one of however many comics trying to suckle at the power teat, threw my name out in the ring. And then he ended up getting back to and was like, sure, I'd love to do your podcast.

B (18:01)

Wow.

A (18:02)

And then it went well. And I knew that he had had women open for him in the past. I think Amy Schumer had opened for him for a few years. And so I just said, if you ever need an opener, I'd love to work with you. And he gave me a shot. He let me open for him for a weekend and it went well. And then I went back to my receptionist job the next week.

B (18:20)

Holy shit.

A (18:20)

And his manager sent me an email with the rest of the dates for that year, like, as an offer. So I was, like, sobbing at my receptionist at my, like, Devil Wears Prada job where I, like, hated my boss. And so I got to put in my two weeks and, like, peace the fuck out of there. And it was. Yeah, it was like, a really cool moment. So it's so, like, this job is so weird that Jim Norton became my comedy fairy godmother. I mean, like, nobody would ever have that, but he really. He changed my life for sure.

B (18:55)

Funny story for the listeners. That's also very similar to the story about how we got Kelsey on our podcast. We sent a message to her business and said, can we suckle off the teeth of comedy megaloid her megalore tits?

A (19:12)

Oh, my God, so funny.

B (19:15)

Yeah, I can imagine. That's like a fucking fantastic Friday when you're like this. See you later. I'm opening for Jim Norton.

A (19:23)

Yeah, it was huge. I remember one time we had to. Were we taking, like, maybe a private jet or something? We were flying from LA to Vegas for shows, and we had to drive by my old receptionist office to get there, and we were in, like, like, nice car service. And I really was like.

C (19:43)

Big mistake.

A (19:44)

Yeah, huge. It was such a good feeling. So that was nice. Yeah.

B (19:48)

But if I'm your boss, I'm like, fuck, yeah, you do it. Like, go live your. I mean, you know, we'll find somebody else to answer the phone.

A (19:55)

Yeah, I for sure was not like, a crucial part of their business. I was like receptionist number three, basically, like, nobody. This man did not know much about me. And then I found out this is maybe like a year after I had left, I got brought up in some, like, maybe work meeting, and the guy, the boss, who I didn't like goes, oh, yeah, the magician. I was like, okay, that's the impression I left on that man, is that I was the magician.

B (20:26)

A magician. That's too funny.

A (20:28)

Yeah, he just was, you know, a very classic, like, super high up in the. In the business and just, yeah, didn't get it.

B (20:36)

Completely clueless as to who works under him.

A (20:40)

Yeah, yeah, that.

B (20:42)

That seems so weird to me. As a guy who's owned many failing businesses, I've always seemed to know. I've always seemed. Including this one, I've always seemed to know who works for Me. And I always feel invested in them. So when I hear stories, because you hear them all the time and there's famous people that we know where we hear stories. Yeah, about like, kind of these rich, you know, overlords who really are out of touch with anyone in the business. And I don't know if that's. Because when you get to that level of power and money, it just doesn't matter anymore. You're so disconnected. You can't connect with people who don't live that kind of life. I just wonder. It eludes me. And I know people like this too. And I'm like, how do you not know this person?

A (21:25)

I know. And I mean, to be fair to him, I'm sure he could tell that I also was not, like, looking to move up in the company. I had made it pretty clear, like, I'm a comedian, but I need to work during the day still. So maybe he just felt like, this isn't somebody who I'm gonna know forever. Permanent. Yeah, he was kind of like a tyrant with food in the office. He was like one of those people that if he's trying to eat better, nobody around him can be having dessert. And so, like, somebody had come back from Hawaii and brought, like, expensive chocolate covered macadamia nuts and left them in the staff kitchen. And he just came and found. Threw them in the trash.

B (22:06)

No.

A (22:08)

Geez. Yeah. He had told me, like, if you're the one who's ordering, like, chocolate for the staff kitchen, like, stop doing that. We don't need that. Because that's like the directions that were given to me from the previous person. And so. And I could tell, like, people were just heartbroken. They needed their, like, mini Snickers to get through the day there.

B (22:28)

I know that's fucked up.

A (22:29)

Yeah. So when I gave my two weeks I on the company card, I like, ordered a massive quantity of Halloween candy, basically, and just like, stock the drawers full.

B (22:42)

Good for you.

C (22:42)

That's fantastic.

A (22:44)

Yeah. I was like, bye. Bye.

B (22:48)

That's like one of our friends. They had kids and they were like, that's it. I'm not doing any more drugs. You know, I'm getting clean. No more of the nose candy. And I was like, for the respect of the children. And I was like, you're so. You're so rude. You're so rude. I can't. I can't borrow your mirror for a few minutes because your kid might play with it.

A (23:07)

Jeez. I know you fucking killjoys crack pipe around here.

B (23:11)

It's Tuesday.

A (23:12)

Let's Relax.

B (23:14)

I like you. That's spicy. I like that. I like that you ordered the Halloween candy. And I like that you. I like the story about you dressing up in college. Like, just showing up in costume for the assignment.

A (23:25)

Public speaking, that was so cuckoo. And it was like a summer course. And so it was me and, like, 30 foreign exchange students from Japan who, like, spoke very little English and I think probably understood even less. And so for them, especially public speaking class, this was, I'm sure, so nerve wracking. I'm trying to picture me in Japan trying, like, what a nightmare. So I'm going up in, like a full costume, trying to do this funny, like, like, perform a eulogy of myself. It was this whole weird thing and, like, I'm just getting crickets. I mean, people staring at me have no idea what I'm saying, but that's how much I loved it. It was like, so obvious that I had kind of, like, figured out what I wanted to do because I just. It was making me so happy.

B (24:12)

So you wanted to do magic so bad.

A (24:15)

I was like, this is my calling.

B (24:17)

This is my calling.

A (24:18)

I'm gonna be a magician pulling a rabbit out of hat. Cool. In any language.

B (24:23)

And it's right, hey, listen there. No language. I actually, for some reason, I. First of all, my Instagram and TikTok algorithm is on point. I mean, it's so fantastic. I often get. I often get reels where there are zero views and those are the golden ones, where you're like, oh, my God, this. This person is literally crazy. And I'm the only person to ever see it, and I must screen record immediately.

A (24:50)

Oh, my God. So funny.

B (24:51)

But I get this. I was watching magic tricks so I could play magic tricks with my small children. Right. I always wanted to, like, they love the magic. You can, like, put it under your arm and they'll like, where did it go? And I'm like, I don't know. Oh, there it is.

A (25:03)

Oh, my God. Blow their mind. Yeah.

B (25:05)

But now I get all of these magicians doing their magic tricks.

A (25:09)

Oh, yeah.

B (25:10)

And I'm like, okay, some of these are interesting. Some of them are not. But sometimes I'm really impressed. I think, wow, if I could do that.

C (25:17)

Yeah, no, there's some really good.

B (25:18)

At a party, I would have had children years ago. Yeah, that's right. I would have had a wife years ago.

A (25:25)

Just women throwing themselves at you.

B (25:27)

Yeah. Nothing says long. Nothing says big dick. Like the guy who could do a great card trick at the party.

A (25:36)

At a casual, like, college kegger that's right.

B (25:42)

But I don't even think, like, you dressing up for college assignments is the strangest thing that I've read about you. I think the strangest thing is that you hustle people for money because you're an international foosball player. What is this?

C (25:55)

I love this.

B (25:55)

I didn't even know. I know foosball. I played it a lot. I'm from Chicago. Foosball's all over the place. But tell us. I'm from. Foosball is like a thing up in Chicago.

A (26:06)

Everybody plays foosball. Everybody loves climates. Cold climates. Usually. Foosball thrives. People are in bars, people are indoors.

B (26:15)

Yeah. Foosball. And that little slidy game. What do they call that? Where it's like, you. They have sawdust on the table. It's like shuffleboard, but it's like. It's not where you're using your hand, like, you know, using a stick. It's where you're just using your hands and throwing shuffleboard.

C (26:28)

It's still shuffleboard. It is.

B (26:30)

Okay. Shuffleboard, Junior.

C (26:31)

You can also. You're thinking of the older people on the cruises pushing.

B (26:36)

Played that one time.

A (26:37)

Yeah. Or like, curling on the ice with those.

B (26:40)

I love curling.

C (26:41)

I love curling.

B (26:42)

Yeah. Get me to the Winter Olympics now. We've done summer Olympics. Great. Fantastic. Loved it. It was all. I was all about it. Get me to the Winter Olympics and let me watch some curling. I love those people. They don't. You could fully get hammered and wasted and still do curling. There's no athleticism to it whatsoever. You just have to be. Have a really good eye. So tell us, how do you. How do you. Are you really, like, an international foosball champion? How and why? Tell us all about it.

A (27:12)

Yeah, so my parents met playing in a professional foosball tournament.

B (27:16)

No way.

A (27:17)

So I literally would not exist if it weren't for foosball. It was, like, the foundation of my life. Good for foosball. And, yeah, they had started to train me when I was, like, 2 years old, and I would, like, stand on a stool so I could see the top of the table, and they'd put their hands over mine and teach me how to play. So, yeah, I've played my entire life, and my family and I would travel around and go to different tournaments and compete. So, yeah, my mom is in the foosball hall of Fame, and. And it's just. It's crazy. So, I mean, obviously, the majority of people don't know that professional foosball even exists. Had no idea and then if you, like, picture who you think would be a professional foosball player, you're probably imagining a mullet. You're probably imagining, like, not a full set of teeth.

B (28:09)

Yes.

A (28:09)

You usually don't imagine, like, you know, like a young girl.

B (28:14)

Yeah.

A (28:14)

And so that was, like, my first tour a few years ago. I called it the Hustler tour, and that ended up being the name of my special the Hustler. But I was after shows, I would find bars in the area that had foosball tables, and I would hustle people. So I would be like, nice. Oh, my God. Like, what is. Is this chess? And I would play really terribly at first and kind of build their confidence up. And then I'd be like, okay, like, I think I've got the hang of it. So, like, we should play for money. And every guy would, like, put their whole wallet on the table or, like, immediately open Venmo. And then that's when I would, like, pull out my gooseball grip glove and just, like, go to town. And it was very fun. I can't really.

C (28:59)

Oh, my God, that sounds like fun.

A (29:00)

Yeah. I can't really do it anymore because, like, enough people I think know now, especially if they're like, the secrets out. Yeah. Of the club. But for a while, it was like, a fun little extra cash grab.

B (29:12)

Yeah. Do you have a foosball table in your condo apartment house?

A (29:16)

I do have one in my house. Yes.

C (29:18)

It's just part of you.

B (29:19)

Yeah.

A (29:20)

Yeah. It's like a pretty mandatory thing.

C (29:23)

Yeah.

B (29:23)

I wish I had learned to do anything really well. You know what I'm saying? I wish I had learned to do one thing really well in my life.

C (29:29)

I have a specialty.

A (29:31)

Funny sentence. I wish I had learned how to do anything well.

B (29:33)

Anything well. I really do.

A (29:35)

Not one thing.

B (29:37)

I feel like I'm a human being full of half thoughts.

C (29:39)

There's still time to chase magic.

B (29:41)

Yeah, there is.

C (29:42)

Of course there's still time, Brian.

B (29:44)

At my advanced age, I feel like, I don't know, what could I learn to do? What do old people do? I went to my mom's retirement home the other day, and they were doing karaoke, and I. I thought to myself, this is what I have to look forward to. Yes, karaoke.

A (30:00)

We've gotten very into pickleball, and I feel like that is pickle has for sure. And we really love it.

B (30:07)

You know, I have some friends that are. That are posting about pickleball and how much they love it and how great it is, and I did not realize and probably until about a year ago that pickleball is taken very seriously.

C (30:17)

Oh, yeah.

B (30:18)

In some circles, like there are professional pick ball tours that are sponsored and I see people like in Nan Tucket like, you know, million dollar prize for the, you know, best doubles pickleball. And I'm like a million dollar prize. Of course they're in Nantucket, so, you know, what do you expect?

A (30:32)

But yeah, yeah.

B (30:33)

That's crazy that it's on tv. It's on ESPN too big. Yeah.

C (30:38)

My dad's a big player out there at the retirement like.

B (30:42)

Yeah. You think he's got a professional career.

C (30:44)

Coming up and I think he does.

B (30:46)

Yeah.

C (30:46)

Yeah. In the senior tour.

B (30:48)

Do you know what I see on the TV that I think is very interesting? That's now is the Hacky Sack game. Yeah, yeah. There's a professional tour for Cornhole. Now let me say something. You do not look like the person you would think of if you said professional foosball player. Right, right. But when you watch Cornhole, you will see the people you think of as cornhole players. As cornhole players. Yeah, yeah. It checks out. There's a lot of mullets and big beard. Yeah. So are you on? So first of all, where are you located? Like where's home base? You know, give us your address. Just somewhere near there.

A (31:28)

So I live in Minneapolis now.

B (31:30)

Oh, you live in Minneapolis.

C (31:31)

My brother in law's up there.

A (31:33)

Where are you guys based out of?

B (31:34)

Atlanta.

A (31:35)

Atlanta. Okay. Nice.

B (31:36)

Yeah. So two polar opposites.

A (31:38)

Literally. No pun.

C (31:39)

It's a great city though. It's so beautiful up there. I love visiting.

A (31:43)

Yeah, it really is. I never ever thought I would live in Minnesota. I had not even been here in my life until a couple years ago. But my boyfriend is from here originally and so we were long distance and I was in Spokane at the time where I'm from originally. And he was here and it just. It made more sense for me to be the one to move over. So. Yeah. And I moved in January, which was.

B (32:07)

Jesus.

C (32:08)

Nice.

A (32:09)

A real, real experience. So.

B (32:11)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I'm from Chicago and I've been to Minneapolis a few times in most. I think all of those times during the winter actually. You know when people say Chicago is like a different kind of col. Really is. It's if. Especially if you're downtown, it's very windy. It's. It's just bone chillingly cold up there. But it does. But Minneapolis, I think also has a very similar type of cold. Like it's very cold in Minneapolis.

A (32:39)

Very cold.

B (32:40)

I guess it's. Spokane can get cold too, I would imagine, but not that kind of cold.

A (32:45)

Yeah.

B (32:45)

You must really like this guy.

A (32:47)

I know that's. That's like. Everybody's like, damn, you must really love this motherfucker.

B (32:51)

Yeah. You must be into this too.

A (32:52)

Yeah, but they've got a good food.

C (32:54)

Scene up there and a great airport, too. It's easy to get to different cities. So if you're traveling and on tour or whatever.

A (33:00)

Yeah, yeah, we're both on tour. And so I never thought I would be like, horny for an airport, but I like horny for the Minneapolis airport. It's so. It's just like clean.

C (33:12)

It is.

A (33:13)

And like, you just. Everything's non stop. It's just like. Because if you're touring almost every week, the airport actually ends up becoming like your office. Right. Right where you are spending a lot of time. So it's a really great airport.

B (33:27)

It is.

A (33:28)

I never thought I would care so much about it. It's. It's a nice place to live. For sure. Yeah.

B (33:32)

How do you and Chad deal with that? Like, because I'm sure you're both out on tour a lot. Is that. Is that beneficial to the relationship? I could see how it might be. Like, hey, we're away from each other for a couple of days and then we'll be back for a day or two and then I don't like you anymore.

A (33:47)

I mean, it's like there's that quote, you know, absence makes the heart grow fonder. But I think also, like, too much absence is not great for the relationship. And so we always are on this side of like, oh, I wish we could be around each other more than we are. But we try to make the best of it. We'll like, FaceTime and watch a show together. We'll like press play at the same time or whatever. So it is like, I love that we're both comedians and we can talk about what is going on each weekend on the road and the other person knows exactly what that means. Yeah, true. But yeah, we, like. I wish that our podcast was massive and we could just like tour here and there when we wanted, but then, like, just stay home. Cause we bought our dream house and it's like, oh, fuck. Well, now we have to pay for the house we bought and so we have to leave and fly to, you know, like Milwaukee or wherever to then pay. But we. We really love being at home so much. I've become such a Minnesota old. Like, I. I truly in my bones feel like I'm 75. I just like. I sit on my deck. I like shoo woodpeckers away from my house. Like it's gone downhill very quickly. It's. I'm. I got old really fast.

B (35:01)

I think there's something to be said about for nesting. I really.

C (35:05)

I really do think there's something to be said for. I got a house this past year and I'm a nester.

A (35:09)

Congratulations. It's like I had never had a house. I.

C (35:13)

And do stuff.

B (35:14)

Yeah.

C (35:15)

I never had a house before either.

A (35:16)

Yeah.

C (35:16)

It's so.

A (35:17)

It's the best. It really does.

C (35:19)

All the things you never got to do. Yeah.

A (35:21)

How they're weeding. I'm like, oh my God, look at me. Crazy. Yeah.

B (35:28)

You know when you, you, you connect with young people and they're like out there living their best life. Like, like I was right or you were. Whoever it was, you remember those days and you think back on the them fondly. But were. Were they really that great?

A (35:42)

I'm good.

B (35:43)

Very hungover and terribly dangerous situations. Probably ingesting stuff from drug dealers who could give a shit about your health and life. You know what I'm saying? Like all this stuff that you were doing and it was great in that moment. But when you get to the part of your life which I don't feel is that old and you go, ah, there's. There's something to watching a show and sitting here and just being silent and calm and quiet it With a loved one or without a loved one or whatever the situation is. There is really something comforting about that, I find.

A (36:14)

Totally. Yeah. And Chad and I have both been fairly big drinkers in our life, but we both have not had a drink for almost five months now. And thank you. And we don't. I mean, it's like, it's not like court ordered, so. Chad, it's not court ordered. Like we can go back whenever, but we've both been just kind of trying to like give that a try. And it's been interesting to like, like go to concerts sober, go to weddings sober, and do these things that forever you've just assumed, like, why am I gonna have some drinks there?

C (36:45)

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

A (36:46)

Not and be like, okay. There are like. There are a couple moments, especially like at a wedding where the dance floor starts and you're like, ooh, ooh, it is light outside and I am not fucking doing the wobble at seven feet. So there are those moments. But then like it hits 11pm and you see the people who are shit faced and you're like, oh, I'm so glad. I will not feel like that tomorrow. Yeah.

B (37:15)

Yes. I've been there for almost seven years now. Congratulations. Not court ordered though. It could have been, but it wasn't. I beat him to the punch.

C (37:27)

Yeah.

B (37:28)

You know what?

A (37:28)

I quit.

C (37:29)

This close.

A (37:29)

You can't fire me. I quit.

B (37:30)

Yeah. Don't worry, sir. Your honor, I did it for myself. Thanks. Can we recusal? What do you think? Yeah. And I just did it honestly, to stop smoking cigarettes. I. I've told this story on the show to stop smoking cigarettes. Cuz that's just a. It was terrible and I needed to stop and I was getting too old to smoke cigarettes and it wasn't cool anymore. You know, you look cool when you're 20 smoking a cigarette, but as you round your 30s, into your mid-30s, you just look at the old guy smoking cigarettes, you go, what a idiot. Why is he smoking cigarettes? And. But I couldn't do. I couldn't quit when I was drinking because every time I picked up a drink, I wanted a cigarette and my judgment was gone. I was like, oh, it. I'll smoke one more or two more. But then I was drinking every six nights a week. So, yeah, but when I stopped, and I know that this is big now, you see this a lot on. On social media and you hear a lot of people talking about this on podcasts and other places, how drinking really does kind of suck in. In a lot of ways. And I'm not preaching to anybody, but I'm just saying, like, when you get sober from alcohol, all of a sudden things start to change. Like, your perspective starts to change. And yeah, it's a little difficult when you go places and everybody's having that first five or six drinks, but by the time they get to number 12, you're like, fucking, thank God I didn't start drinking. Thank God. Yes.

A (38:46)

It's so crazy. We both got the OURA rings. I don't know if you guys have seen these.

B (38:50)

I've had one.

D (38:51)

Yeah.

A (38:51)

Yeah. And that has also been really fascinating because I had never done the apple watch or anything like that. And so. So to see how your sleep gets impacted and like, I'm same as you. It's like I'm not trying to vilify anybody who drinks. I don't care at all. But yeah, I listen to like the Huberman Lab podcast about alcohol and it's crazy. Cause when you grow up and you're in school, nobody, like, there isn't a day in health class where they're like, okay, so you're gonna drink one day. But just so you know, this is actually, like. This is why you will feel the way you feel. This is what a hangover is. This is what exactly your body.

C (39:28)

Yeah, they should.

A (39:29)

We just start, like, drinking four Locos, and we're like, all right, hope we don't die. But nobody. I mean, I'm 35, and I just found out, like, what actually happens in your body when you have alcohol. So that's kind of crazy to learn these things now. But it does help me to not want to, because it's just like, oh. It's like, I feel like you want to care about your body the older you get.

B (39:53)

Keep going, too. Like, you know, it feels good.

C (39:56)

Yeah.

B (39:56)

Week number three, it feels great. Month number three, by the time you get to a year, it's just a whole different AM and by the way, I do not say I will never drink again. And I like New Year's Eve. I'll have a glass or two of champagne. Like, I'm not. I'm not like a tea totaler. Right. But 363 days a year, I just make the choice that with small children, I do not need to be hungover or drunk. That's not what they need to see, and that's not how I need to feel. And then the other thing, too, too, is that, you know, in America, I feel this. Our culture drives people to binge drink. You're drinking to get drunk.

D (40:32)

Yes.

B (40:32)

But my wife, who's partly Spanish and we spend a lot of time in Spain, or we've spent a lot of time in Spain. In Spain, it's a different animal.

C (40:39)

It's just part of.

B (40:39)

You have a glass of wine with lunch, and then you go back to work, and you don't act like an idiot, and you don't drink to throw up on your own shoes. It's not everybody who drinks like that in the United States, but I feel like at a young age, it's so restricted from us and it's bad and don't do it. That by the time we get to it and we realize that it can make us. Our inhibitions are low, our anxiety's gone. We can have a good time, but then it turns into something else altogether. It's like we just drink to get drunk, which is fine, you know, every once in a blue moon. But when you're doing it on a Tuesday, because the news came on, like.

A (41:14)

That'S just not great. Yeah. I went to Washington State University, which is kind of like a known Drinking school because it's just in the middle of the wheat fields and there's nothing else to do.

C (41:25)

Yeah.

A (41:25)

And I feel like it just became like common very quickly that you drink to black out. Like it wasn't. There was no, like, oh, have a drink or two. It's like what you're saying, you would drink to the point where that was supposed to be part of the fun is like the next day with your friends because being like, oh my God, like what did I say?

C (41:45)

Trying to piece together.

A (41:46)

I remember you did this, but then I don't remember, like. And that was just this normal thing. And I think back to my poor like 21 year old brain where I'm like, oh my God, that was so bad for it to just be like shutting it down like that over and over. But you're so right. It's just that was the culture.

B (42:04)

But you know what? There is hope. Because I think that I read, I know I read a report and I think this was back back in 23, that for the first time in history, alcohol sales were lower than they were the year before in the United States. So. Yes. And I think that's because people, so many people like Huberman and a lot of folks, you know, Theo Vaughn, everybody, Theo Vaughan, everybody tells their. I was a period of my life that got so up. It's so accessible to hear stories from people. You may say, oh, I like that person, I like their opinion, I like their style or whatever. And then they tell these kind of war stories and share that. After I cleaned it up, I feel so much better that people, I. Maybe, maybe young people are. Maybe I don't need to do that.

C (42:52)

No. A lot of the really young people, I mean, my stepdaughters, they're not huge drinkers. One doesn't even drink. She smokes weed. But you know, it's.

B (43:01)

Alcohol may be the worst of all the drugs.

A (43:02)

I know. But it's.

B (43:04)

So thanks for showing up to the Dr. Phil show. I feel.

A (43:07)

Sometimes I feel bad. Sometimes I feel like I, I take things into like a self help place without even needing to.

B (43:12)

No, I did it. It was my fault, not yours. It was me. I got on my preachy cheers to you both.

D (43:18)

Cheers.

B (43:18)

By the way, what are you drinking?

A (43:20)

Yeah, that would be amazing if that was like straight moonshine this whole time.

B (43:29)

Kelsey, you're on tour. How I see that you're going to be at Dania Point. We're also going to be at Dania Point. We're excited. Dania Beach. Dania Beach.

C (43:38)

Yeah.

B (43:39)

Yeah, Dania Beach Improv. And actually, we had no idea that this place existed. And so we got the, you know, we signed the contract or whatever, and Sam Morrill happened to come on the day that we did that. And I said, hey, so tell us about you never been to Dania Beach. And he's like, it's fucking awesome. It's like, it's legendary. And I thought, oh, wow. Okay. There you go.

A (43:58)

Yeah, I had surprisingly really fun shows there last year.

B (44:01)

Oh, really? I don't.

A (44:02)

I don't think I have, like, a huge fan base there, so I think they probably, like, papered some of the room. But even the people who came out who were, like, maybe didn't know me before, they were a great crowd. And it's like, a really beautiful club, so, yeah, it should be fun.

B (44:17)

Okay, so Kelsey Cook.com is where you get tickets to see her upcoming shows on. On her. On tours. Chad on tour too.

A (44:25)

Chad is also on tour. We have some tour dates together for next.

B (44:28)

That's what I was gonna ask your manager. Put some tour dates. All both of you. That would be good.

A (44:35)

We're excited. It'll be our first time doing something like that. But we did a local show together in Minneapolis last year where we called it a notebook rebuttal. We were on stage together, and we took turns telling our jokes that we have about the other person. And then as soon as that joke was done, the other person got a chance to give their side of the story and kind of, like, defend themselves from getting made fun of. So we had a blog last, and obviously now we have the podcast Pretend Problems. And so next year we'll be doing some, like, live podcast, live standup together, as well as our own individual tours.

C (45:09)

Nice.

B (45:09)

Well, I've heard the show. I think it's funny.

A (45:11)

Thank you.

B (45:12)

But I. I like Chad's comedy too. I'm a fan of both yours, Kelsey Cook Dot com. Check out the podcast. Check out the live show. Check out the YouTube special gorilla.

C (45:23)

Thank you.

A (45:24)

Yeah, it's on YouTube. And now it's on Hulu, Hulu and Disney plus as well, so. Oh, it's on Disney plus, which is so fun. I'm like, look at you. Oh, well, thank you. It was so funny to me. I'm like, that's so weird that you can, like, watch me talk about eating ass for three minutes like the fox and the Hound. I'm like, this is, like, not what I would have ever expected, but I'm happy.

B (45:45)

I know I'm immediately canceling my subscription To Disney plus for my children. That's it.

A (45:51)

I know mine should not pop up.

B (45:53)

For kids, but Kelsey, we really appreciate you coming with us today. You're welcome anytime. Until Chad. He can come on too, if he wants to.

A (46:01)

It was so nice.

B (46:02)

He's like, no thanks.

A (46:03)

I could talk to you for five hours, I'm sure. Yes.

B (46:06)

Maybe next time. Maybe a little bit longer. Thanks, Kelsey.

A (46:09)

We appreciate it, guys. Bye.

D (46:11)

I know this sounds crazy because we are a podcast, but we have a phone number because we are also ascendient AI chatbot being designed to receive compliments and content ideas at 212-4333, TCB. So crazy how that works. If you want to follow us on Instagram, our handle is at the commercial break and our tick tock handle is CB podcast. So go find our profile and watch the videos we painstakingly put together for you and our 20 other followers. If you find yourself wanting more, check out our website@tcbpodcast.com because you can find all of our audio and full length video episodes. And if you just do all of those things, things, we will love you forever. Bye.

B (46:55)

Oh, I really liked Kelsey.

C (46:56)

I know.

B (46:57)

I like Kelsey. Yeah, Kelsey is a good one. You know, and we say this like probably after half the interviews, but I'm going to say it again because I think it rings so true is that, you know, sometimes we say our good friend Kelsey Cook, but of course, we'd never met the person before in our entire lives except for the fact that we see her on YouTube or, you know, catch her podcast or whatever. But when we book these interviews, sometimes it's like you feel like you're rolling the dice a little bit. You never really know you're going to get. It's like going on a blind date. They just show up. You show up and you hope that you hit it off. And sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. Now, we've been lucky. I think we've had a good stream, we've had a good run here. But Kelsey is like a really nice, sweet, smart, funny person and I really enjoyed talking to her. I could have gone on forever, but I didn't want to because she's probably got other things to do besides talk to Brian Green from the commercial break. She probably realized right away, your age at my agents fired.

C (47:50)

She was really interesting. And yeah, like you said, smart, funny, the whole package, she was.

B (47:55)

Kelsey Cook.com is where you can find tickets to her tour. You can also see a link to her special and all the other things Kelsey Related are all@kelseycook.com we'll put links in the show notes. We'll put links to buy tickets to her tour. We'll put links to the 800 pound gorilla special special and go watch it. It's actually really funny. I watched it and I had a giggle or four. Chrissy, my friend, good. You know, I'm not like a laugh out loud type of person. That's not what I do. Like if I watch something and I find something funny, I'm just more. I'm like, I have a smirk on my face. Like I'm smug about it. But this one, I was laughing. So I think you'll find it interesting if you choose to go watch it, which I hope you do. Kelseycook.com Kelsey's also on that never ending tour. She's going to be at Dania Improv. Also Chrissy and I are going to be at the Dania Improv. And why am I calling it the Dania Improv? Because I just learned how to say it from Kelsey. The Dania Improv at Dania beach in Florida on September 24th at the Point. Not. Not Kelsey. The commercial break. That's where they'll be. You can get your tickets. They're now available. Links in the show notes, links on Instagram, links on our website. Website links everywhere. There's links, links, links everywhere. Or you can just go to the website. The Dania improv on the 24th, the Orlando Funny Bone on the 25th. Or Chrissy and I refer to it as the Bone.

C (49:15)

The Bone.

B (49:16)

Meet us at the bone on the 25th of Orlando. We got something brewing. I think you're gonna like it. And then we'll see. We'll see how those go. And then maybe we'll branch out into other parts of the nation like, you know, fiddlestick, Iowa.

C (49:32)

We have aspirations.

B (49:34)

We have aspirations. We have perspirations. We have lots of Asians. We're gonna. We're gonna do it. We're taking the world by storm. Soon you will know. Yes. No, in my own head, I'm just worried about any of the shows. Yeah. Anyway, we'd love to see you there. If you're going to be there, give us a call or send us a text message. 2112 4333. TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. We are taking them all. You can leave a voicemail or a text message. Either one, just let us know you're going to be there. We want to hear from you, go to the website tcbpodcast.com all the audio, all the video and your free TCB sticker. Hit the contact us button, drop down menu. I want my free sticker. Give us your physical address. Away we go. At the commercial break on Instagram TCP podcast on tik tok and YouTube.com the commercial. Oh, that was good. Thank you very much, Chrissy. That's all I can do for now.

C (50:28)

I think so.

B (50:28)

I'll tell you that I love you.

C (50:29)

I love you.

B (50:29)

Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe, including Kelsey Cook. Until next time. Chrissy and I always say, we do say and we must say goodbye. Save me crazy.