
EP931: We are going to play a little game....Bryan will pick a random episode from each of the TCB seasons and YOU listen! It's a win/win or lose/lose. You pick! good luck....Today, Season 2 is up to the wheel.
Loading summary
Brian Green
Foreign. The TCB season lottery continues this week with TCB Classics going all the way through six seasons of the commercial break. They said we couldn't do it. They said it would never happen. The naysayers told us, no, you'll never get to 10 episodes, let alone a thousand. But despite all indications to the opposite, Chrissy and I continue to do the show. No money, no listeners, no fame, no fortune, no glory, and very few, if any laughs. But if we can hang our hat on one thing, it's the fact that we have consistently shown up and given you exactly what you never asked for. Mom would be proud if mom knew how to get a podcast on her phone. Hi, Brian, it's your mom. So in case you didn't tune in earlier in the week, while Chrissy and I are out of town, I'm doing the TCB season lottery. You're getting one completely random episode from each each season of the commercial break. We're on season number two. I have no idea what you're about to hear, but it's run in its entirety and completely unedited. Surprise. Let's enjoy together and figure out what kind of shit Chrissy and I were up to 17 years ago. And welcome back to WSHIT's continuing coverage of the 2022 Crabapple mayoral election. Steve's got some callers on the line. He's taking some questions for the mayoral candidates. Let's go live to Steve in the studio.
Gene Douglas
Hello.
Brian Green
Speaking of new faces, I generally have
Gene Douglas
voted Republican over the years, but recently
Brian Green
I've become disillusioned with the party and I found a.
Gene Douglas
An independent candidate that's been getting some press lately called Deez Nuts.
Brian Green
And I was wondering what your views
Gene Douglas
on that were, what his chances are. By the way, Deez Nuts has been
Brian Green
identified as a 15 year old farm boy named Brady Olson. Well, I don't know about you, but I think Deez Nuts is the refreshing change we need in office. We'll be back after this commercial break. On this episode of the commercial break, one of the two ways that we can do this, Chrissy is right, is we can charge. We tried that. It wasn't an incredibly successful venture. It was early on, very early on, in like episode number 30. But we kind of felt dirty about that a little bit because, like, you know the whole thing about podcasting, we
Chrissy Hoadley
didn't have premium content.
Brian Green
When exactly did that happen? Which episode? Episode 43. Exactly.
Chrissy Hoadley
After that. Premium. Premium content. The Sopranos level.
Brian Green
That's right.
Chrissy Hoadley
You gotta throw some commercials in there now.
Brian Green
I'M not entirely sure when we were doing Patreon that that was premium content.
Chrissy Hoadley
That's what I'm saying. It wasn't premium content.
Brian Green
Okay? Those episodes have been lost fore, by the way, never to be found again.
Gene Douglas
Hey, you know something?
Jimmy
No, what?
Gene Douglas
I had a wet dream last night.
Chrissy Hoadley
Hey, you wanna hear something? What?
Brian Green
Hey, did you hear about Babe Ruth's big homer and the ninth thing, by the way, I got jizzed all over my underwear. I just came in my pants. Oh, gee, Jimmy, why haven't I jizzed in my pants yet?
Jimmy
What? Dre, what's that?
Gene Douglas
Oh, you know, the sperm comes out of your penis.
Jimmy
Sperm?
Gene Douglas
Yeah, sort of. The sticky stuff.
Brian Green
Yeah, that white sticky stuff I can't get out of my hair. The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now. Happy episode of the Commercial Break. How the hell are you? I'm Brian Green. This is Chrissy Hoadley.
Chrissy Hoadley
And happy holidays.
Brian Green
Best of you, Chrissy.
Chrissy Hoadley
Best to you, Brian.
Brian Green
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us on yet another episode of the. This. The. The Commercial break.
Jimmy
The.
Brian Green
Don't forget the commercial break.
Chrissy Hoadley
One and only.
Brian Green
The one and only. I'm glad you're on board today.
Chrissy Hoadley
I'm surprised I don't hear this music in my sleep, but I don't.
Brian Green
You will eventually. It's gonna be like that McDonald's fry timer.
Chrissy Hoadley
I don't. But I love the music. I just love it. It gets me the mood.
Brian Green
Very good.
Chrissy Hoadley
It's. Yes. It's time to rock.
Brian Green
I like our intros. I like our outros. I like the guy who does it. I think we. I think that part we've done right. Now, if we can just get the middle part of the program buttoned up a little bit more, we'll be good. Good. There'll be people listening to us. Don't worry. I think by number, I think by episode number 180, we should. We should break the listener remark.
Chrissy Hoadley
Stay tuned. Stay tuned for 180.
Brian Green
Please. Stay tuned. So if we're going to get to 10 listeners, we need you.
Chrissy Hoadley
We'll be good by then.
Brian Green
Yeah, we'll be good by them. We're just winging it. A wing and a prayer over there.
Chrissy Hoadley
Wing and a prayer.
Brian Green
Winging a prayer. You know, this brings up an interesting topic. Take my hand.
Chrissy Hoadley
We'll make it, I swear.
Brian Green
Whoa. We're gonna get 10 listeners here. This brings up a fantastic. This good segue to my next point, which I wanted to point out a couple weeks ago. Actually, I pointed it out at the end of the show. But I'm not entirely sure how many people stay toward the very end of the show. So I'll put it to the front of the show. So we cover those who stay and those who don't stay. Of our nine listeners, I bet seven of them don't listen to the very, very, very end of the show. Yes, maybe. I don't know, actually, the stats tell me differently, but whatever. A couple of. I got a couple of emails and those emails weren't negative emails. They were just question marks. Did you know that on such and such platform there are advertising advertisements running inside of your show? Now, we're not talking about the host red ads, which Chrissy and I actually do. Chrissy and. Or I do inside of the show. But you'll notice that there's a little commercial break for the commercial break. And that's where I stuff all those liners that everyone hated. When I was talking for 17 minutes about WW this and WWW that.
Chrissy Hoadley
Remember that?
Brian Green
Yeah, that was. Yeah, that was horrible. I went back and listened to some of this episode. I'm like, what are you droning on about for 26 minutes? Fucking care.
Chrissy Hoadley
I think I would just kind of like zone out and drink.
Brian Green
I know you would. I know you would. But honestly, sometimes a third of the episode was dedicated to telling where people where they could find us additionally, when they were already listening to us, like doing that. Well, anyway, now I do it very quickly in the middle of the show. It's a. It's a tape segment. Spotify has asked us if we would be okay with them selling ads on our behalf. And we have said yes, of course, because that's a big deal in the podcast universe. That's a big deal.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah, that is.
Brian Green
So as well as the host red ads, sometimes you will hear at the very beginning of the show or in the middle of the show, a commercial or two. 15 to 30 seconds. A commercial or two. That is us. We are doing that. We did say yes to Spotify.
Chrissy Hoadley
We know.
Brian Green
Yeah, we know.
Chrissy Hoadley
We know.
Brian Green
And here's the reason why, in all honesty, is
Chrissy Hoadley
because we've been doing this for years. I need some money.
Brian Green
We just thought we'd share that with you.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah, I think people get it.
Brian Green
Yeah, I think you get it. I don't think I need to dumb this down. Here it is.
Jimmy
Yeah.
Chrissy Hoadley
You're either gonna pay for a subscription service with no commercials or you're gonna have a free service and hear a
Brian Green
couple or you're not going to listen to the Show.
Chrissy Hoadley
I'm not going with that.
Brian Green
Okay, all right, all right, fair enough. You like the commercial break. And one of the two ways that we can do this, Chrissy, is right, is we can. We can charge. We tried that. It wasn't an incredibly successful venture. Was early on, very early on in the. In, like, episode number 30. But we kind of felt dirty about that a little bit because, like, you know, the whole thing about podcast, we
Chrissy Hoadley
didn't have premium content.
Brian Green
When exactly did that happen?
Chrissy Hoadley
Right.
Brian Green
Which episode? Episode 43. 3. Exactly.
Chrissy Hoadley
Premium. Premium content.
Brian Green
I'm.
Chrissy Hoadley
Sopranos level.
Brian Green
That's right.
Chrissy Hoadley
And you gotta throw some commercials in there.
Brian Green
Now, I'm not entirely sure when we were doing Patreon that that was premium content.
Chrissy Hoadley
That's what I'm saying. It wasn't premium content.
Brian Green
Okay. Those episodes have been lost forever, by the way, never to be found again. You get it?
Chrissy Hoadley
We only did one.
Brian Green
We're here. We did five. We did five. Yeah. They're not gonna be played anymore.
Chrissy Hoadley
Mary should play them again.
Brian Green
I think at some point we will like a whole catalog out there of all of the episodes, like the one we just recorded 30 minutes of and then figured out that we didn't press.
Chrissy Hoadley
I'm feeling punchy.
Brian Green
Yeah, that's right. We put a little extra wine in her.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah.
Brian Green
You get it. We come here. Yeah. We take some time with energy, effort, and money to make the show. And now we've gotten to the point where we're able to sell sponsors into the show, and we felt like that was the right move just to compensate us for a little bit of the money that we put out there. It's not a lot. Just when it's not Joe Rogan money. We're not. We're not. We're not independently living off of the podcast yet, but we hope to someday. And so we really appreciate that you stick around and listen to the commercials. It's not that big of a deal. It's a couple minutes, and the sponsors give you free shit. So if you like it, they do go and use their URLs and codes if you're in the market for it. And we promise we'll never sell anything on the show that we would not use ourselves. So you will not see, you know, testosterone supplements in vermicin or whatever that is. You're never going to hear that on our show. It's not going to happen. So just know it.
Chrissy Hoadley
I appreciate it. Everything that we've put on here.
Brian Green
Yeah. So far, all the host red sponsors we've had and we have a little less control over what gets sold by Spotify. But I do have the ability to say, I want this. I don't want that. And so, you know, I just put in, basically, I said, ed, medication is the only category. So now you're going to hear boner medication 24 hours a day on the commercial break. If that's our target audience. Science men with erectile dysfunction. If you have a medication for erectile dysfunction, I've got two shows for you.
Chrissy Hoadley
And then, like, what are all those things they say on the. Oh, yeah, medical commercials.
Brian Green
Yeah. Please be careful.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah. It could cause frias.
Brian Green
Your penis could explode. You may not be able to ejaculate for 6 to 12 weeks. Don't worry about it. But don't worry about it.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah. Otherwise, totally take it.
Brian Green
I know. I love the ones that are like, you know, death is an uncommon occurrence.
Chrissy Hoadley
Uncontrollable diarrhea is one of my favorite.
Brian Green
Explosive blood coming out of your ears may, on occasion, happen.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah.
Brian Green
If you lose the left eyeball, call your doctor.
Chrissy Hoadley
Contact your doctor.
Brian Green
Talk to your doctor about a missing nose in the morning blindness. If your teeth start falling out while you're eating soft foods. Call your doctor. Talk to him about. Yeah, they say everything under the sun. That's. That's the cya. You know, we're one of the only countries in the world that allows for private medication companies, like private pharmaceutical companies to actually advertise on television.
Chrissy Hoadley
Oh, really?
Brian Green
One of the only ones in the world in Europe, probably, because I don't
Chrissy Hoadley
live in another country.
Brian Green
Yeah, well, there you go. You cannot do that. You. I don't know what the t. I don't know what the TV production companies do when they don't have all that pharmaceutical money. You know what I'm saying?
Chrissy Hoadley
That's true. It's crazy big money.
Brian Green
It's like every third commercial is for this or that or the other thing, and it's. Sometimes it's really random medications like, you know, if you have erectile dysfunction coupled with, you know, schizophrenia coupled with breast cancer, call that, you know, you may need, you know, flub open. Flub open. Helps. Helps you stay away. Flip open. If you're a truck driver with one leg, driving down the street, Driving down
Chrissy Hoadley
the street, you may need this.
Brian Green
Yeah. And notice an itch in your nipple. You may need phleboptin. Phlebopen has been proven to keep you awake while getting rid of that itch. Nipple itch. Good old nipple, in case you're wondering. Hey, I was thinking the other day, I was thinking about our changing bodies. You know, I'm getting up there in age. I'm in my late 20s now, and things are starting to right.
Chrissy Hoadley
That was also the name of our very first podcast of 2021, Our Changing Bodies.
Brian Green
It's amazing that you still remember that. That's crazy. And that's a pretty funny episode if you want to go back and listen to it. It's the first episode. It's the first episode that we recorded here in this studio.
Chrissy Hoadley
And that's when we say a happy new year.
Brian Green
For six months.
Chrissy Hoadley
For six months. And then the second half of the year, we flip to Happy Holidays.
Brian Green
I was thinking about my changing body as I get a little bit older and, you know, all the things that come along with a changing body. And it made me think for some reason, think back to puberty. Like, you know, aging happens slowly, but puberty happened so quick.
Chrissy Hoadley
Oh, my gosh. And there's a really good show. I don't know if you've seen this. It's on Netflix.
Brian Green
It's called Big Mouth and I've seen a couple episodes.
Chrissy Hoadley
Hilarious. Nick Kroll does it. I mean, it's. It's all about puberty. It's done in animated. Animated form.
Brian Green
Nick, roll. So funny.
Chrissy Hoadley
It's really, really funny, Jeff, and I love it.
Brian Green
You know, I remember the hormone monster
Chrissy Hoadley
is the big thing.
Brian Green
I've seen it. I remember when I got hair on my chest. I had hair on my legs extraordinarily early. Like, I was 11 or 12 years old when I started getting hairy legs. And that was not fun in the gym class. I also, you know, had a raging heart on every. You know, one time when the guy asked me to climb the rope and I just told him no. I just literally laid flat on the ground.
Chrissy Hoadley
I just can't do it. No, don't put me in coach.
Brian Green
Do not put me in coach. There's a lot of stuff that goes on during that puberty in a very short order of time. So I remember back to a specific class that I had back in my Catholic high school freshman year. That is when the Catholics taught you about sex ed was in freshman year of high school.
Chrissy Hoadley
Very informative.
Brian Green
It was taught by the assistant, like the fill in. The substitute gym teacher was the guy who taught this class, I'm pretty sure
Chrissy Hoadley
because the gym teacher was like, this is too embarrassing. I can't do it. I'm calling in sick today.
Brian Green
Yeah, I can't ask you to climb that rope and look you in the eyes after I've talked about your boner. The substitute teacher was the probably the worst sexual educator that has ever lived. In the first 13 seconds of the conversation, he mentioned condoms, dildos, KY Jelly, and anal sex all in one sentence. He just literally blurted it out. He was like, put the condom on some with some KY jelly. Have anal sex with a dildo. I was like, oh, my God. I think he was trying to connect with the kids, you know, he was
Chrissy Hoadley
trying to be like, I know what.
Brian Green
Yeah, I know what the kids are doing. They're throwing, you know, KY on a cucumber and sticking it up their ass. And I'm like, what?
Chrissy Hoadley
You can do that?
Brian Green
Yeah, you can. Hey, you haven't tried it yet. That's called the reverse cucumber. It's called a pickle. Called a pickle. You throw some vinegar on it, shove
Chrissy Hoadley
it up your ass, turns into a pickle. That's how they make them for the Chick Fil A sandwiches.
Brian Green
Unbelievable. I thought they'd be a little bit more conservative over there at Chick Fil
Chrissy Hoadley
A. I think they.
Brian Green
As a Catholic kid in Catholic high school, you know, we had the video, too. Everybody had the video that went along with it. But the video that would have gone along with my particular class would have had to kind of dance around all of the eccentricities of the Catholic religion. Like, you can't have sex before marriage. You can't wear a condom. You know, your birth control is a sin. You know, all this other shit that basically, they're teaching you sex even though they want you to be scared of the actual sex.
Chrissy Hoadley
What happens when you get married?
Brian Green
Yes, when you get married in freshman year in high school.
Chrissy Hoadley
Right?
Brian Green
Yeah. That's what they're teaching you. That's right. And now I had long since known about sex. I may have even had sex. At this point, I'm not even sure
Chrissy Hoadley
you had hair on your legs.
Brian Green
So I got. So I went on the Internet, and I was like, I'm gonna see if I can find this Catholic video that they would have been showing around the 90s, you know, because the Catholics, they all just, you know, they make one and then they distribute it to all the Catholic schools, Right? But I couldn't find it. And what I did find was a smorgasbord. Literally, in German, a smorgasbord of sex ed tapes.
Chrissy Hoadley
Oh, gosh, I can imagine some of
Brian Green
these are extraordinarily, extraordinarily graphic. Only in Europe, they have a very popular television show put on by the BBC in the British colonies. But Then in Germany, they have their own version of it called Sex Ed. And it's a show that runs on the public television.
Chrissy Hoadley
Okay, I like it.
Brian Green
And they literally have a naked lady spread out on a bed and there is a. What looks like a doctor. She's got a medical coat on. Anyway, right. Spreading the vagina lips to. To touch the clitoris to point to where it is.
Chrissy Hoadley
I mean, bravo, bravo, bravo.
Brian Green
For my late night browsing here in the studio, I got it on private browser mode. This is not at all what I saw as a child. But maybe exactly what is needed.
Chrissy Hoadley
I think so. Because with the porn that's on the Internet.
Brian Green
Yeah, that's not realistic.
Chrissy Hoadley
I mean, it's not.
Brian Green
It's not realistic for me.
Chrissy Hoadley
People need to be taught that.
Brian Green
Yeah, people need to be. People need to be taught how to have normal, regular sex.
Chrissy Hoadley
Because porn sex with people's changing bodies.
Brian Green
With people's changing bodies. That's right. You got to teach these kids and you got to show them. There weren't even diagrams involved in my sexual education. It was literally some rotund guy talking to us about where the vag was. We were all like, yeah, we know, we got it between the legs. 10, 4. And then they, you know, try and explain all the holes and stuff like that. Whatever, you get it. So I went on a hunt to see if I could find one of these educational videos that might have been playing around that time. I really wanted to see, like, I don't remember the video. I just remember the guy who was trying to explain the video to us. So I found some. Would you like to hear?
Chrissy Hoadley
Yes.
Gene Douglas
You make this rather snappy, won't you? I have some very heavy thinking to
Brian Green
do before 10 o'. Clock.
Rachel
Hi, cats and kittens. Rachel here. Do you ever get the urge to speak endlessly into the void like Brian? Well, I've got just the place for you to do that. 212-4333. TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Feel free to call and yell all you want. Tell Brian I need a raise. Compliment Chrissy's and innate ability to put up with all his shenanigans or tell us a little story. The juicier the better. By the way, we'd love to hear your voice because Lord knows we're done listening to ourselves. Also, give us a follow on your favorite socials. Hecommercial break on insta. TCB podcast on TikTok. And for those of you who like to watch. Oh, that came out wrong. We Put all the episodes out on video, YouTube.com thecommercial break, and tcbpodcast.com for all the info on the show, your free sticker, or just to see how pretty we look. Okay, I gotta go now. I've got a date with my dog. No, seriously. Axl needs food. Today is pork chop day.
Instacart Announcer
Instacart understands that not all bananas are created equal. Some people want them green, some want them ripe, some want them ready. Right now with Instacart's Preference Picker, now available at most retailers. You can choose how you like certain items, like banana ripeness, deli thickness, even avocados before your shopper even starts. So instead of crossing your fingers and hoping for the best, you get groceries picked the way you would pick them. It's a small thing, but it makes a big difference. Download the app and get bananas just how you like. With Instacart.
Brian Green
I was trolling on the Internet as you. As I do. Let me get the video here up. Okay. Now, I can't. I'm not gonna give you some of the more graphic stuff. I'm gonna stick with the older stuff. I'm the first gonna. I'm first gonna listen. We're first gonna listen to a sister. A sister. A nun trying to give sexual education to the Catholic kids.
Chrissy Hoadley
Do they have sex?
Brian Green
No.
Chrissy Hoadley
Okay, just clarify that.
Brian Green
Nuns, do they have sex? Okay, if you watch HBO's the Young Pope, right. They are fucking all over the place. They're literally blowing the Pope 24 hours a day. Which is a great show, by the way. The Young Pope.
Chrissy Hoadley
I need to watch that. It' my list.
Brian Green
It's incredible. It's such a good show. But, you know, those sexy nuns, the world's most attractive nuns that ever live, are always in some state of undress, blowing somebody. Right? And the. You know, the. Anyway, no. Nuns take a vow of celibacy, just like the Father. That's what I saw. Absolutely ridiculous. Let's get real. Come on. A vow of celibacy just leads them down the darker path. We know it. Don't do it. But here, this nun seems to. She seems to be okay with talking about, you know, the ins and outs. You want to hear?
Chrissy Hoadley
She got. She drew the short straw.
Brian Green
She drew the short. On this one, she may have never even had sex.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Brian Green
I mean, how do you teach about that?
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah.
Brian Green
I don't know. I guess you just. I guess someone teaches it to you, and then you say, okay, I can figure that one out.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah.
Brian Green
But she. I think she. This is an Irish public television video from Ireland, which is why I said Irish.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yes, yes, Mr. Green.
Brian Green
And here she is teaching us about the birds and the beads.
Sister Angela O'Toole
Hello, I'm Angela. And over the next few sessions, we're going to be together, talking about you growing up, your body, its changes, and a lot more. And I think you're going to find it fascinating.
Brian Green
Oh, I'm already fascinated, Sister o'. Doula.
Chrissy Hoadley
Riveting.
Brian Green
My grandma's teaching me about sex. I can't wait.
Sister Angela O'Toole
Everything is based on love. And the person who loves us most of all is God. So let's start by asking him to.
Brian Green
Do I have a boner, dear God,
Chrissy Hoadley
do I have a boner, dear God,
Brian Green
can you make my penis work just one more time? That's Frankie B. Hey, God, what do you say about making this shaft get up high? Heart in heaven, I can have sex with this 30 year old.
Sister Angela O'Toole
Help us to understand about it all. Dear Lord, I want to invite you to be with us as we talk together about growing up.
Chrissy Hoadley
Just about growing up. That's a broad umbrella that she just threw out.
Brian Green
She doesn't want to offend Jesus. She doesn't want say, dear God, please help us as we talk about, you know, reverse cowboy anal sex, the double stomp. Yes, please help us as we talk about double penetration with these youngsters, with these 10 to 15 year olds. Oh, my God.
Sister Angela O'Toole
Because you are the inventor of people and penises. You are the one best able to understand us and help us to understand
Brian Green
and love one another and our changing bodies. That was a great prayer. Oh, they're getting you in the mood here. You notice this is a Casio 3000.
Sister Angela O'Toole
This is the newlywed couple here. And they're showing their love for each other.
Brian Green
Yeah, that's right. Catch there. Good catch.
Sister Angela O'Toole
By lovemaking. Lovemaking just means making each other feel loved.
Brian Green
Nope, not in my world.
Sister Angela O'Toole
How do you make a person feel loved? Well, you give them kisses and hugs and you hold them close and then
Brian Green
you tear off their bra with your teeth.
Chrissy Hoadley
Spice and everything. Nice.
Brian Green
It's hair off the bra with your teeth. And you get in those edible panties and you're going, oh, sister, you're way off the mark here. Yeah. Even I can guarantee you, whatever Irish kids are watching this are like, come on. Yeah. Really?
Sister Angela O'Toole
Yeah, but between a man and a woman, it's a bit different because when they.
Brian Green
Man and a woman. Man and a woman. No room for interpretation there.
Sister Angela O'Toole
Hold each other really close and give a long kiss and a warm Hug. They tell each other that they're beautiful and everything like that. And they also have a bit of a laugh because they are the best of friends.
Brian Green
Just like Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian.
Chrissy Hoadley
That's right, best friends.
Brian Green
They have a good giggle at the size of his dingle.
Sister Angela O'Toole
And then something happens.
Brian Green
Uh oh.
Sister Angela O'Toole
In a very short time, because they're so close, the man feels his penis becoming erect, engorged.
Chrissy Hoadley
In fact, he's been waiting for a long.
Brian Green
It hurts bad. And he needs to release the poison.
Sister Angela O'Toole
Straight, hard. And the sperm coming down into it like it did when he had a wet dream.
Brian Green
By the way, I hate that term. I hate the term wet dream. I hate it.
Chrissy Hoadley
A moist dream.
Sister Angela O'Toole
Now what?
Brian Green
I just prefer like a jizz dream. Like, yeah, like a drippy dream. Like, I just prefer anything except for wet dream. It drives me crazy. I don't know why.
Sister Angela O'Toole
The sperm is coming into the man's penis. The woman's body is getting ready to receive the sperm. It's amazing, you know, how God made it, because while they're making love and being happy together, the woman feels her vagina becoming kind of slippery inside so that the penis can easily slip in and out.
Chrissy Hoadley
Splish, splash. I was taking a bath.
Brian Green
Let Sister o' Dour show you with her old crotchety crotch. Someone Sister o' Dour's age may need a little help. A little jump start. That's why this video is sponsored by Catholic ky. Made with real holy water to protect your cock during intercourse. Here's the happy cocking.
Sister Angela O'Toole
No trouble. So he slips it.
Chrissy Hoadley
No trouble.
Brian Green
If I was making love to this lady and she was like, don't worry about it. No trouble.
Chrissy Hoadley
No trouble.
Brian Green
No trouble. Just try again. Just try again, Brian. Let me give you a little spanking on your bottom and we'll have a war. A long hug and a deep kiss and maybe a bit of a giggle because we are the best of friends. And then you can slip it in me. In and out, no trouble.
Sister Angela O'Toole
His penis into her vagina, gives her the sperm, then she has the sperm, then the penis slips out and then.
Brian Green
Tag uret.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah, exactly. I was about to say gives her the sperm and then he runs off
Brian Green
and then it's her turn to hide.
Chrissy Hoadley
Attack your.
Rachel
It.
Chrissy Hoadley
It.
Brian Green
Oh my God. That was funny, Brian.
Chrissy Hoadley
Y that's about what happens.
Brian Green
No takesy back slip.
Chrissy Hoadley
Slip it on and boom.
Brian Green
If you can manage to steal the flag from the other person, then you win the game.
Chrissy Hoadley
Who's got the hot potato?
Brian Green
Who's got the hot Jizz. She's got it now. Now she sits on his face and gives it right back to him. We call this a Jesus chain, passing the jizz from one Jesus to the other.
Chrissy Hoadley
Oh, my God.
Brian Green
Oh.
Sister Angela O'Toole
And that's all.
Brian Green
That's all. That's it. No more to talk about, Tag. She's it. She runs away and that's it. Never to be seen or heard from again. Oh, my God. That was great. Sister O'Duo. Thank you very much.
Chrissy Hoadley
Good effort.
Brian Green
There's more to this, but I have other stuff to get on to, so
Chrissy Hoadley
I'll give it a three.
Brian Green
Yeah.
Chrissy Hoadley
What's that scale from one to ten? I give it three.
Brian Green
She didn't say anything?
Chrissy Hoadley
No. The last thing I know, we're. We're hugging, we're kissing, then boom, we're laughing. Slip, slide, dive, and jive.
Brian Green
Yeah. That's all, folks.
Chrissy Hoadley
Easy. Yeah, no problem.
Brian Green
You. You would realize as a adult now I realize just how little sex education I actually got. Yeah, I got one year of it. I got it for two classes from the substitute gym teacher who was having a hard time even standing in the class and looking anybody in the eye.
Chrissy Hoadley
I mean, can you imagine, like, all the young faces looking at you?
Brian Green
I can't. I know.
Chrissy Hoadley
What does it all mean?
Brian Green
What does it all mean? A what? And it was Bo. Boys and girls in the class.
Rachel
Yeah.
Brian Green
So that was the weird girls. Oh, really?
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah.
Brian Green
They separated you guys. I don't know why they didn't separate us.
Chrissy Hoadley
Seems like that's a better way.
Brian Green
I don't know.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah, we can be a little bit more open and free. That way I imagine a specific woman's body.
Brian Green
Or that way I can look at the back of your head while I'm thinking about a vagina.
Chrissy Hoadley
You have that.
Brian Green
You have what?
Chrissy Hoadley
Brian has what?
Brian Green
Wow, that's crazy.
Chrissy Hoadley
Chrissy's doing that.
Brian Green
Yeah. He's like, yeah. The National Geographic magazine. These are boobs. Are they? They don't look like boobs to me. He had a hard time. That guy had a hard job. Now I look back on it and I think, well, he really did have a hard job. This is the Catholic version. Obviously, they're not telling you anything. They don't want you to have sex before marriage. They want you to be informed enough to be dangerous, meaning you know. Know what goes on, but they don't necessarily want you to have sex. So now I want to tell you what the US Government was talking about back in the. As early as the 50s.
Chrissy Hoadley
I bet they really have something to say.
Brian Green
Yeah. They really stepped it up a notch. Here you go. You ready? This is called the Changing Boy or the Boy's Body. The Change. The Changing Boy Body. The Changing Boy Body. I don't something like that, but it's produced by the US Government.
Chrissy Hoadley
Are you going to play this for Matthias?
Brian Green
No, no, I've already. I'm already thinking about this conversation that I'm going to have with Matthias. And I'm going to be like, use the force, son. The U.S. greens. We don't need to have a lot of long talk and a big book pointing out diagrams and diagraphs. You already have this information right inside your head. Just let it fly. Just go for it. Yes. Find the back of a rec. Find the back of a rectory at some Catholic church here in the city. Find yourself a nice young lady and you. Or man and you go explore. Yeah, that's how you figure it out. Go explore. So, no, I don't need to have a conversation with the kids. No, I'm already embarrassed, actually. All right, boys, get out your boners. Let your boners fly. Boys, I want you to stand erect for the American flag. Literally.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yankee Doodle went to town.
Brian Green
Yankee Doodle to town Riding on my
Chrissy Hoadley
boner and called it macaroni.
Brian Green
There's always some kind of, you know, weird, weird music playing. Yeah.
Chrissy Hoadley
Here comes a cavalry.
Gene Douglas
Hey, not bad.
Brian Green
Hey, not bad, Jimmy. Good job with that hand shandy you were giving yourself. Yeah, was watching you.
Chrissy Hoadley
You know what you're doing?
Brian Green
You know what you're doing. Don't need to. Don't need to tell you about sex, son. You handled that like a champ.
Gene Douglas
You kids really poured it on. Hi, I'm Gene Douglas.
Brian Green
Ah, good old Gene Douglas.
Chrissy Hoadley
I'm Gene Douglas.
Brian Green
Hi, I'm Gene Douglas. You may know me from such movies as why are you touching yourself? And look out for menstruation. I mean, this is my brand new film, the Monthly Curse. Gene Douglas. I don't know. I think he's a movie star, actually.
Chrissy Hoadley
Okay.
Brian Green
Yeah, I don't know what movie he was in, but I think he's a movie star. He's playing a coach, and then there's a bunch of kids, just to give you kind of frame of reference. They're in a. They're in a track and field. And the coach is now going to point out all of the boys. And these boys, just to let you know, are different shapes and sizes.
Gene Douglas
So that's part of my freshman track team. The boys are really working very hard.
Brian Green
So are their erections. Everything looks good. Their Home hormones are also clocking in double time.
Gene Douglas
Say, maybe you'd like to meet some of them.
Brian Green
Oh, boy, would I.
Gene Douglas
There's Bill. He's going out for the high jump. And Jim, the broad jump and sprints, too. Mike is number one boy at the shot put right now.
Brian Green
He's also trying to see how many times he can masturbate in one session.
Chrissy Hoadley
This is hilarious.
Gene Douglas
He's a pretty good distance runner, too. But Ben's clock the best time for the 440 so far. Pole vault is George's specialty, but he's giving the high jump a good try, too. And Pete, well, he. He's trying most everything right now.
Brian Green
Girls, boys, small animals. Pete's an adventurous young man. Yeah, he's into it all.
Gene Douglas
They make a pretty fair team. Anyway, they're sure trying hard enough.
Jimmy
Hey, coach.
Gene Douglas
Yeah?
Jimmy
I twisted my ankle.
Gene Douglas
Oh, is it bad?
Jimmy
I don't think so.
Gene Douglas
Well, see me inside, will you? Okay, okay, okay.
Brian Green
All right, you little. Stop complaining.
Chrissy Hoadley
Come on, man.
Brian Green
You're so dramatic. Pete, grow up. Come inside and let me teach you about boners. That game's over, I guess. Wow, that was loud.
Chrissy Hoadley
That was. Stop practicing, boys.
Brian Green
They didn't have an audio mixer back then, apparently.
Jimmy
Hey, everybody inside. Come on.
Gene Douglas
Here, let's take a look.
Chrissy Hoadley
They say let's take a look.
Jimmy
Yeah, I was taking a jump.
Brian Green
Well, he's. He's wrapping Pete's leg, but I landed sideways.
Gene Douglas
Yeah, I can see which leg. Well,
Brian Green
I was about to say, what does it matter? Then I got the joke. Like, honestly, you worried about that? I don't remember. I watched this video three weeks ago. I'm not sure.
Gene Douglas
I'll put an elastic bandage around it. I'll take a look at it and see how it is tomorrow. Okay?
Jimmy
Why does this always have to happen to me? Some guys never get hurt.
Gene Douglas
Ah, you're just having a little bad luck.
Brian Green
Yeah, and you're a little shithead klutz. Yeah, you're basically the runs of the litter. Don't worry about it, Jimmy. We'll find a good use for you before long. You'll be digging ditches in no time.
Jimmy
Why me? Look at Mike. He never gets hurt.
Brian Green
Well, well, Mike's biggest. Mike's a sexy young man, if you know what I mean.
Gene Douglas
He's built a little different from you, Pete. He's developed earlier.
Jimmy
Yeah, but why? He's not any older than I am.
Gene Douglas
It's not just how old you are. Kids. Kids develop a different time.
Brian Green
It's how much you masturbate.
Chrissy Hoadley
You got to get the juices flowing.
Brian Green
That's right. Go down to get a JCPenney's catalog, son, and look at the brazier section.
Gene Douglas
Hey, Coach, is Mickey Mouse here gonna live?
Jimmy
Mickey Mouse.
Brian Green
Listen, you all right bringing Mickey into this? All right, settle down. Go beat the out of each other somewhere else, away from my prying eyes. I know Mickey Mouse.
Chrissy Hoadley
Why did they throw Mickey in?
Brian Green
Well, because I think Mickey Mouse was probably a symbol of, like a. Like a diminutive human being back then. I don't know. How do I know?
Gene Douglas
You better get your clothes on.
Brian Green
Wait. Jesus, Coach. Oh, Coach. Yeah.
Gene Douglas
Wow.
Chrissy Hoadley
I'm picturing a whole other scene going on now.
Brian Green
I didn't think this was a stag film.
Gene Douglas
Okay. That Mike, he's sure filling out,
Brian Green
Coach. Settle down, Gene. Yeah, Mike, he's filling out those britches nicely. I've been watching. I love my job.
Gene Douglas
And it won't be long before Pete starts putting on some weight too. In fact, all these kids are starting to develop now. They're all around 14, 15 years old. And there'll be a lot of changes taking place.
Brian Green
By the time they're 18, I'll be ready to ask them out on a date. Until then, I'll keep a close, watchful eye on them.
Jimmy
Do your homework.
Gene Douglas
What homework?
Jimmy
You know, your math. Oh, that. Sure. I couldn't get the last one. Oh, great. That's the one I was wondering about. Say, what happened to your face? Oh, this.
Brian Green
Oh, that.
Chrissy Hoadley
Pimples, Nothing. Shut up.
Jimmy
Yeah.
Brian Green
What if he was like. What do you mean? I don't know. You just got ugly all of a sudden. You look like a real raccoon there, Jimmy.
Jimmy
Myself shaving.
Brian Green
Yeah.
Jimmy
Maybe I'll start shaving soon. Come on, we better get a move on or we'll be late for class.
Brian Green
Have you ever heard of manscaping?
Gene Douglas
Yes, shaving is part of it. And there were still other changes. Some of these things most kids knew about while others didn't. Hey, you know something?
Jimmy
No, what?
Gene Douglas
I had a wet dream last night.
Chrissy Hoadley
Hey, you wanna hear something? What?
Brian Green
Hey, did you hear about Babe Ruth's big homer? And the ninth thing, by the way, I got jizzed all over my underwear. I just came in my pants. Oh, gee, Jimmy, why haven't I jizzed in my pants yet?
Chrissy Hoadley
You haven't filled out yet.
Brian Green
This is not how men talk, by the way. I mean, I don't know. Maybe we did. I'm not really sure. I remember a lot of awkward situations around sexuality back then, but I don't Remember sitting on a lawn, talking to somebody about my wet dreams?
Jimmy
Wet dreams? What's that?
Gene Douglas
Oh, you know, the sperm comes out of your penis.
Jimmy
Sperm?
Gene Douglas
Yeah. I thought it was sticky stuff.
Brian Green
Yeah, that white sticky stuff I can't get out of my hair. That white sticky stuff I've been collecting in a Styrofoam cup in my bedroom. I don't want it to go to waste. I might need it later, if you know what I mean. Say, did you hear Walt Disney got his head frozen?
Chrissy Hoadley
Wow.
Brian Green
Oh, my God.
Gene Douglas
Guy's part of a baby. Didn't your brother ever tell you about that?
Chrissy Hoadley
It was part of a baby.
Brian Green
It was part of a. He said part of a baby. It was part of a baby.
Chrissy Hoadley
Not yet.
Gene Douglas
Not yet.
Jimmy
He never says much about anything.
Brian Green
He just goes off in the bathroom and whacks off.
Chrissy Hoadley
He never says.
Brian Green
He never says anything about his wet dreams, which is probably the more appropriate way to handle it.
Jimmy
So that means you can start a baby.
Gene Douglas
It was something new to Bill. This business of nocturnal emissions.
Brian Green
Just as nocturnal emissions. That's even worse than nocturnal emissions. Not a car. You don't have to.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah, you're gonna regulate.
Brian Green
You don't have to stick a pollution meter on my ass. I'm not. I'm not killing the Earth. I'm just jizzing in my undies. It's perfectly normal.
Gene Douglas
A lot of other things were new. Growing up is a time of change. Everything seems to happen at once.
Jimmy
The coast at its glands. Well, you get those from your parents.
Gene Douglas
Hey, what is this?
Brian Green
Hey, what is this? I told you we were going to talk about sex. I wanted to be included in the conversation. Now, Billy, run along.
Chrissy Hoadley
I'm going to talk to Uncle Jean.
Brian Green
Now, Billy, run along. I'm going to talk to these other boys about. Bonus Petey. Take your broken leg and run down the street.
Gene Douglas
Taking the afternoon off.
Jimmy
Hey, coach, didn't you say it was glands that made guys different?
Gene Douglas
Yeah, that's right.
Jimmy
Well, today in biology class, Mr. Davis said we're all different because of our parents.
Gene Douglas
That's right. I meant the way your body develops at puberty.
Jimmy
Puberty?
Chrissy Hoadley
What's that?
Gene Douglas
Well, that'd take a little explaining. Maybe later, huh?
Jimmy
Yeah, but when?
Gene Douglas
Well, how about after practice this afternoon?
Jimmy
Sure. Great.
Gene Douglas
Okay, but we've got work to do now, he says.
Brian Green
Okay. Weird. Okay, okay. Meet me in the locker room after class and we'll talk about sex. Just us boys. Nothing strange about that. Perfectly normal. Don't tell your parents. Kids. So weird. Why is the coach just giving Random sex lessons?
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah. It wasn't even scheduled.
Brian Green
Yeah, My coach couldn't even show up for that day. He didn't even care. He was like, I'm not gonna be a part of that shit. I don't wanna teach these kids about their boners.
Gene Douglas
Come on, let's get out there. Come on, fellas. So that afternoon in the locker room, I started answering some of the boys questions.
Brian Green
I hold myself up and I got out a few pictures from me and Nancy. I showed the kids how to go to work, if you know what I mean.
Rachel
He's at tcb. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid, too? You know you do. Leave a message for her or me or Chrissy at 212-433. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show, too. Just call and say something, anything. Or text us, and we'll text you right back. Promise. Then head over to tcbpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker, and we must abide. You get the point? Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and watch all the episodes on video@YouTube.com thecommercial break. Best to you and Astrid. Especially Astrid.
Instacart Announcer
We all prefer things a certain way. Like groceries. If you want groceries just how you like them, you gotta try Instacart. They have a new preference picker that lets you pick how ripe or unripe you want your bananas. Shoppers can see your preferences upfront, helping guide their choices. Because when it comes to groceries, the details matter. Instacart. Get groceries just how you like.
Gene Douglas
Hey. You having a meeting? No, just talking. Sit down if you want to.
Jimmy
I missed the meeting.
Brian Green
Go yourself if you don't. Did I miss the meeting? I'm sorry. My Gmail's not working. Did somebody send this to me in Outlook?
Chrissy Hoadley
Did I get an invite?
Gene Douglas
Where was I? Oh, yes. Well, each of us from the day we're born, no two people are exactly alike. Some of those differences are inherited from our parents.
Jimmy
See? I said so.
Gene Douglas
Then at puberty, certain glands begin to work and our bodies begin to change.
Jimmy
But where are these glands? Yeah. And what's puberty?
Gene Douglas
Puberty.
Chrissy Hoadley
You open up a can of worms here, Gene.
Brian Green
Yeah, Gene. Good luck backing into this one, buddy.
Instacart Announcer
Ethan.
Chrissy Hoadley
Thought you were sliding on in there. No pun intended.
Brian Green
Now you're stuck, but yeah.
Chrissy Hoadley
What are glands? What does the earth mean, where did we come from?
Brian Green
Hair in my nose. I'm jizzing all over the place, Jean. I don't know what to do. I'm like, what is that? I'm literally like. Like one of those lawn sprinklers at night.
Chrissy Hoadley
Tell me, Gene.
Brian Green
Gene. This is the third mattress my parents have had to buy this year. I don't know what to do. I find the Christmas tree sexy. I don't even know what's going on.
Gene Douglas
Mainly, though, it's a time of change for you. It means your bodies are changing from boys to men.
Jimmy
You mean like having the shapes to men.
Chrissy Hoadley
Abc, bbd, The east coast family.
Brian Green
You mean like the Grammy Award winning singers? Boys to Men. I've been having nocturnal admissions to them.
Jimmy
Say, when's a guy start cheating anyway?
Gene Douglas
Oh, there isn't any special age. You're all going to start at different times. That's because everybody matures according to his own body's rules. In general, everybody grows broader in the shoulders, the ribs and the pelvis.
Brian Green
The penis. Go ahead and say it, Gene.
Chrissy Hoadley
It's okay.
Brian Green
Yeah, you've already gone. You've already crossed way too many lines. We're not worried about that word.
Gene Douglas
Your arm and leg bones grow longer and so does your back from the neck to the buttocks like a lizard.
Chrissy Hoadley
Buttocks.
Brian Green
And you grow a tail like a lizard. And you start panting like a dog. And you piss on everything like a cat. You know what I'm saying? Good talk, boys. If you're lucky, you'll be a lizard person and control part of the world's wealth.
Gene Douglas
But everybody doesn't develop at the same time in the same way. Jim, for instance, is bigger all over than you, Pete. But that just means he started filling out earlier. Earlier. You'll catch up.
Brian Green
You'll catch up. I'll show you. I've been taking pictures of you boys for a long time. I'll show you how fast you grow. You want to see?
Gene Douglas
George now is going tall instead of filling out. Mike is more like Jim. Ben will be tall, probably. And big all over. Everybody. Everybody.
Brian Green
Big all over. Bigfoot. He's in. Oh, my God. Yeah, I love this. But Gene is still doing a better job of explaining. Sister o'. Toole.
Chrissy Hoadley
Sister Angela.
Brian Green
Yeah. Sister Angela o'. Toole.
Gene Douglas
A little different.
Jimmy
Yeah. But where do these glands come in?
Gene Douglas
Well, it's the sex glands or testes that actually get these changes going.
Brian Green
Here, Here, let me show you. Let me show you, boys. Choo choo. Now, boys, don't be surprised when my balls drop down to my knees as I let my shorts go,
Chrissy Hoadley
those are the glands.
Brian Green
Those are the glands. And if I didn't keep them tied up, they'd swipe around my shoe.
Chrissy Hoadley
You ever seen a grown man naked?
Brian Green
You ever been to a Turkish bath?
Gene Douglas
Maybe a diagram will help.
Rachel
Did you say diaphragm diagram?
Brian Green
Mommy gave me one of those for breakfast.
Gene Douglas
Here's the penis and the scrotum.
Brian Green
Oh, Coach, that's not a diagram. That's your actual penis. There's just a hole cut out of that cardboard. I can see. Sorry, boys. I picked up the wrong diagram. One minute.
Chrissy Hoadley
Put your clothes on.
Brian Green
Coach, why are your testes on the table? Oh, my God. I'm sorry, boys. Didn't recognize they were there. When you get this old, they're just flop out of my short shorts, if you know what I mean. I try and keep them under control, but they got a mind of their own.
Gene Douglas
That holds the testicles or testes inside. Now, when you're around 14, maybe sooner, maybe later, the testes start making a chemical substance called a hormone. It's this hormone that causes the changes. It enlarges the penis itself and starts hair growing here and under your arms and on your face and on your
Brian Green
ears and in your nose. Then your anus. And pretty sure no one loves you anymore. And you're tossed out like yesterday's news.
Gene Douglas
It even affects your voice, makes it deeper. It also makes you grow thicker or taller or both.
Jimmy
That hormone, is that what you call sperm?
Chrissy Hoadley
What's a hormone?
Brian Green
Is that what Jimmy plays in the school band? No, that's a trombone, not a hormone. Gene. Gene's doing a good job.
Chrissy Hoadley
That's right. He's doing the best he can do
Brian Green
the best he can. Under the government, under the. Under the watchful eye of the FBI.
Gene Douglas
Sperm is something else. Sperm is made in the testes too. Do you all know what sperm is?
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah.
Jimmy
It's the guy's part of the baby, isn't it?
Gene Douglas
That's right.
Jimmy
But how does it get out from the testicles?
Brian Green
Oh, here we go. Now we're talking. Now you're really putting Gene to the test. Now time for a little show and tell. Have you ever met Mrs. Jean? She's gonna help us with a little demonstration I like to call barebacking. For the boys.
Gene Douglas
Tubes here, there's one from each testicle goes up, down again through a storage
Brian Green
place, through a storage facility. It goes to the local U Haul and it comes back, you know. You know. Do you know Donovan from the from the hardware store. He seconds as a delivery boy, you put your jizz in a cup, and then he runs into the storage facility. And then when the woman's ready, he literally tosses it in there. That's how babies are made in 1952.
Gene Douglas
And out into the penis. Now, when the penis erects, gets hard, the sperm can come out in what's called an ejaculation.
Brian Green
Hey, here, look.
Chrissy Hoadley
This is how.
Brian Green
This is a photo from last night. What's flying toward Mrs. Jean's eyeball? Ejaculation.
Chrissy Hoadley
Love these Polaroid cameras.
Brian Green
I know. These newfangled cameras are great.
Gene Douglas
What do you mean? Well, I mean, sometimes the penis gets hard without. Well. Oh, without an ejaculation of sperm. Oh, yes, that.
Brian Green
Oh, yes. Boys, you're about to run the gauntlet. You don't even understand. You can expect to have a boner anywhere, literally anywhere. Yeah, you. You could be at the local diner, ready to eat your flapjacks, and there it is.
Chrissy Hoadley
Flapjacks.
Brian Green
Now, you're not attracted to the flapjacks, are you, Jimmy? I don't think so. No. That's just your boy.
Chrissy Hoadley
That's another kind of batter who's in charge.
Brian Green
That's a different kind of batter.
Gene Douglas
That's right. You see, all an erection is, is an increase in blood in the penis, which is made up mostly of sponges. Yes. Now, when something excites you. Sexual.
Brian Green
Yes, it's made up mostly of sponges. The kind your mom washes dishes.
Rachel
Yeah.
Brian Green
God literally stuffed a few sponges in your penis. Now, boys, you may notice when you get in the bathtub, it fills up real big. Just ring it out when you're done. Sponges.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah.
Brian Green
Well, I mean, they had certain words back then.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah.
Gene Douglas
This tissue fills up with blood and the whole organ is extended or hard. Erect. Sometimes that just happens by itself, doesn't it?
Chrissy Hoadley
Yes.
Gene Douglas
You know, like in the morning.
Chrissy Hoadley
No.
Gene Douglas
Yes.
Brian Green
You know, when I'm thinking about my cousin. Say, is it wrong to have sex with your cousin, Gene?
Chrissy Hoadley
What's a cousin?
Gene Douglas
You don't have to be thinking about sex to have an erection. Pressure from a full bladder can cause it. Rhythmic movements of the body. Horseback riding. Sake.
Brian Green
Horseback riding. I've been horseback riding. I've never gotten a boner. Horseback riding.
Chrissy Hoadley
I was about to say, I think that might be more woman that would get.
Rachel
Maybe.
Brian Green
Yeah. Because of the pressure on the clitoris, but, you know. No, never. I mostly get pain in my balls. It's not something I enjoy actually riding. A horse can be tough on your Nutsack.
Chrissy Hoadley
I bet it is.
Gene Douglas
Yes, George.
Jimmy
Just an erection. Well, does that mean you have too much sperm and you ought to get rid of it?
Chrissy Hoadley
Poison.
Brian Green
That's the poison. You gotta get it out.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah, you gotta get it out. That's what you tell the girls, now, boys.
Brian Green
That's what you tell the girls. You say if I don't get it out, I'm gonna be sick.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah.
Brian Green
And I have to go to the hospital. And you don't want me to go to the hospital, do you? Yes. This is teaching a generation. Oh, Jimmy, I sure don't. What do you say I give you a few rhythmic motions up against your leg, and then everything will be fine?
Chrissy Hoadley
It's easy. No problem.
Brian Green
Coach said ride you like a horse.
Chrissy Hoadley
No problem.
Brian Green
Do you mind getting on all fours and I'm gonna sit on top of ya? Just pretend you're a horse. It's not sexual. Not every boner is sexual. But I do have to let the poison out.
Gene Douglas
Get rid of it. No, but sometimes your body will do that by itself at night. It's called a nocturnal emission, or wet dream.
Jimmy
Does that. Well, I was told that. Something to do with pimples and stuff. Is that right?
Gene Douglas
No, no. You see, when you reach puberty and all these changes start taking place, there are a lot of plans involved, not just the sex glands.
Chrissy Hoadley
For instance, it sounds like there's a helicopter overhead.
Brian Green
I know. I'm sorry. I know it's so bad. I totally understand. A few more minutes, we'll get through it.
Chrissy Hoadley
TMZ is hovering above jeans.
Brian Green
They're hovering over the commercial break. What are they talking about today? Like some other people who do nothing but listen to the commercial break for their ideas. Stop it. I want to take a moment and tell you to stop it. Stop listening to my show for your ideas. Get an original thought. I realized that there's. I realized that there are only so many topics we all got to go on, and there's a million comedy podcasts, but at least you could wait an additional week before you. I mean, you're literally going back to back.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah, literally.
Brian Green
Can you stop it? You know who you are.
Gene Douglas
There's one in the back of the brain called the pituitary. And then there's the thyroid glands here
Brian Green
in the neck that's making Bobby fat.
Chrissy Hoadley
He's filling out too much.
Brian Green
He's filled out too much. Enough of those Ho Hos and Ding dongs, Billy.
Gene Douglas
Now, some things about these glands are still a mystery, but we do know that a hormone from one can affect the Others. And in a lot of people your age, this may partly cause skin trouble.
Jimmy
Well, what can you do about it?
Gene Douglas
Oh, if it really bothers you, you should see a doctor. He'll tell you what to do.
Brian Green
He'll get lysergic acid and put it all over your face, tell you to stop being a big baby. Everyone gets zits, Jimmy. It's just a. Just life.
Gene Douglas
It can be cleared up pretty well these days. Hey, it's about time.
Jimmy
Hey, can we go on with this tomorrow? Yeah, how about it?
Gene Douglas
Sure. Okay. Come on down early, huh?
Brian Green
Come on down extra early and see Coach Gene.
Chrissy Hoadley
We're gonna skip practice tomorrow.
Brian Green
We're gonna skip practicing. Talk about your boners.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yep.
Brian Green
Oh, my gosh. We're only through part one, so we'll have to do a different. We'll have to do it another day. But this is Thanksgiving week, and so we don't want to bore you with all sex ed talk. We got a special episode on Friday about Thanksgiving for you and.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah, well, if we're playing this after.
Brian Green
No, we're playing this before Thanksgiving, and then we have a special Thanksgiving epic playing this tomorrow.
Chrissy Hoadley
Okay, got it.
Brian Green
Well, for you. You don't. It doesn't matter. Just don't even worry about it. Yeah, don't even worry.
Chrissy Hoadley
Semantics.
Brian Green
Just know that we're trying to teach you a little bit of sex. Yeah, that's it. Well, I do have to say that Gene was a much better coach than Angela.
Chrissy Hoadley
I mean.
Brian Green
Oh, well, for sure, I learned more from Gene than I learned from Angela, but I didn't expect anything.
Chrissy Hoadley
Seriously, learning about just. Only the man body.
Brian Green
Yeah, the part two gets into the woman body.
Chrissy Hoadley
Oh, okay. So we'll have to listen to see what Gene has to say about that.
Brian Green
There's lots of. Of, you know, there's. There's a movie called the Curse, which is about your menstruation, and then there's a movie where everyone calls menstruation. Menstruation. Menstruation. Which is really, like, weird to me. And I wish that they would just say menstruation instead of menstruation. Yeah, I hate when people. Well, it's actually spelled like that, but I still hate that they say it the correct way. Drives me crazy. It's like nails on a chalkboard. And then there's ones about, you know, the vulvas, the. Of vagina. Listen, we'll get to it.
Chrissy Hoadley
We might need to have Dr. Sin back.
Brian Green
Yeah, that might not be a bad idea. Maybe she'll listen to one of These videos with us and then we can all learn together. So, Yeah, I think Dr. Sin is probably. She's probably much advanced from this information. Dr. Sin has an episode. You can go back. I think it's in the 80s somewhere. Dr. Sin has an episode. She is a sexologist and a gynecologist and she came in one day to teach me how to make a woman happy. Still didn't work. Work. We might need to bring her back. Astrid wants her back.
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah.
Brian Green
All right. TCBpodcast.com is where you go. You find all the show notes, read more about Chrissy and I, listen to all the audio, watch all the video, all from one location. TCBpodcast.com want to thank all of our sponsors and advertisers for being on the commercial break. We sure do appreciate it. You can go to tcbpodcast.com and get all of the URLs and codes that you can use for free discounts or for discounts and free shipping. Go use it like, I mean, some. There's some good stuff. Weeks, like, you know, hello, Fresh for weeks. A free quip. Toothbrush. 20 off this, 30 off that.
Chrissy Hoadley
Squatty Potties.
Brian Green
Squatty Potties. Yeah. Squatty Potty really is the best. And. And we heard that there are a number of people. We got a good report about Squatty Potty.
Chrissy Hoadley
That spike and sales spike and sales.
Brian Green
Look at that. Who knew?
Chrissy Hoadley
Yeah.
Brian Green
Congratulations. Thank you. If you win both, it really is the best.
Chrissy Hoadley
So it should be a part of every household.
Brian Green
We're the only podcast that they're advertising on right now, so they can. So they know for sure that we literally drove sales. So thank you, guys. We appreciate it so much. And we say Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
Chrissy Hoadley
Happy Thanksgiving. And I'm grateful for you, Brian.
Brian Green
Grateful for you. And I'm grateful that we're alive and we're well and we have our health for the most part. And great.
Chrissy Hoadley
Grateful for this podcast and our listeners, for sure.
Brian Green
These listeners are amazeballs. The TCB family is amazing.
Chrissy Hoadley
It's really fun.
Brian Green
Enjoy it. Have a good time with your family and your friends. Don't get too drunk or do. Or do. Just don't drink and drive.
Chrissy Hoadley
That's all. Of course that's all.
Brian Green
I. That's all. We're too old for that.
Chrissy Hoadley
We're told.
Brian Green
Come on. Even if you're 21, you're still smart for that. Yeah. So don't drink and drive. I got to tell you about the accident. I almost got in. I got to. I'll tell that story on a different episode. I literally almost died a flying car in the air.
Jimmy
Wow.
Brian Green
And if I had not, okay, if I had not just pressed the gas pedal, I'm sure I would be in the hospital for sure. Without a doubt. Anyway, that's it. That's all we can do. Anything else for me, I think that's it. I love you.
Chrissy Hoadley
I love you.
Brian Green
Best to you, Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. And until next time, Chrissy and I always must say bye. Sam.
Instacart Announcer
Instacart makes grocery shopping easier. And just because you're not doing the shopping yourself doesn't mean you don't care how it's done. With Instacart Shopper notes, you can get particular about what you want right in the app. Like rotisserie chicken that's extra crispy steak with marbling the Romans would have loved, and lettuce you'd actually pick yourself. Just leave a note for your shopper so they can get it right for you without having to ask. That way you can get groceries just how you like. Download the Instacart app and shop today.
The Commercial Break – "TCB Season Roulette: Season 2"
Release Date: May 22, 2026
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley
This episode is a throwback as part of "TCB Season Roulette," where Bryan and Krissy air a random, unedited episode from a previous season (Season 2). The hosts dive into the absurdity of early podcasting years, deliberate on whether there was ever real "premium content," and riff hilariously on the awkwardness of sex education videos from both religious and governmental perspectives. If you love irreverent takes on nostalgia, sex ed, and 90s/00s pop culture—wrapped in improvised banter—this one is a wild, hilarious ride.
Setting and Voice Acting Parody:
Notable “Sex Ed” Quotes:
"It also makes you grow thicker or taller or both." (49:34, Gene)
"Now, when something excites you. Sexual. Yes, it's made up mostly of sponges." (52:45, Gene/Bryan riff)
Tangents:
On Longevity:
"If we can hang our hat on one thing, it's the fact that we have consistently shown up and given you exactly what you never asked for." (00:24, Bryan)
On Podcast Monetization:
“We tried charging...but we kind of felt dirty about that. It was early on...but we didn’t have premium content.” (02:29–02:52, Bryan & Chrissy)
On Sex Ed Euphemisms:
"Lovemaking just means making each other feel loved." (23:29, Sister Angela)
“Tag, you're it! ...And that’s all.” (26:57, Sister Angela/Bryan/Chrissy improv)
On 50s Government Videos:
"Hey, you know something? I had a wet dream last night." (38:20, Gene Douglas)
"You handled that like a champ." (31:58, Bryan riff)
"You have to let the poison out." (54:26, Bryan/Chrissy riff)
Hosts' Running Gags:
Loud, unabashed, and improvisational. Bryan and Chrissy play off each other’s sensibilities, veering into wild tangents and exaggerated parodies, constantly breaking the fourth wall (“the TCB family is amazing”). They blend personal anecdotes with a deeply irreverent take on cultural norms and media from the past, often punctuated by deadpan or absurd, graphic humor.
This episode blends the hosts’ signature off-the-cuff comedy with biting commentary on the awkwardness of sexual education—both religious and secular. It’s a superb showcase of TCB’s tendency to turn even the most dry “educational” content into comedic gold, with a healthy dose of meta-podcast lampooning and seasonal warmth. If you’re curious about how “not to” teach sex ed—or just want to laugh about the universal weirdness of puberty, this episode fits the bill.