TCB Season Roulette: Season 2

Summary

The Commercial Break – "TCB Season Roulette: Season 2" Release Date: May 22, 2026
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley

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Episode Overview

This episode is a throwback as part of "TCB Season Roulette," where Bryan and Krissy air a random, unedited episode from a previous season (Season 2). The hosts dive into the absurdity of early podcasting years, deliberate on whether there was ever real "premium content," and riff hilariously on the awkwardness of sex education videos from both religious and governmental perspectives. If you love irreverent takes on nostalgia, sex ed, and 90s/00s pop culture—wrapped in improvised banter—this one is a wild, hilarious ride.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Podcasting Struggle is Real (00:00–07:30)

• Meta-Humor on TCB's Longevity: Bryan jokes about doing the show "with no money, no listeners, and very few, if any, laughs," poking fun at their humble beginnings and persistent spirit.
  "We have consistently shown up and given you exactly what you never asked for." (00:24, Bryan)
• Running Joke on Listener Numbers: They repeatedly reference their meager listenership, setting an irreverent tone.
  • "If we're going to get to 10 listeners, we need you." (04:52, Bryan)
• Recounting Failed Monetization Attempts:
  • Early attempts at Patreon and "premium content" didn’t feel right.
    "We didn't have premium content." (02:30, Chrissy)
    "Those episodes have been lost forever, by the way, never to be found again." (02:55, Bryan)
  • Reluctance to charge without offering true value.

2. Podcast Ads and Selling Out (06:47–10:30)

• Honesty About Sponsorships:
  • Explaining ad appearances, Spotify deals, and need for some revenue. “As well as the host-read ads, sometimes you will hear...a commercial or two. That is us.” (06:48, Bryan)
  • Commitment to only endorse products they'd use. “We promise we'll never sell anything on the show that we would not use ourselves.” (08:41, Bryan)
  • Riffing on how their only ad category is "ED medication."
    “Now you're going to hear boner medication 24 hours a day on the commercial break.” (09:34, Bryan)
• Parody of Pharmaceutical Ads:
  • Skewering absurd side effects from commercials. "Your penis could explode. You may not be able to ejaculate for 6 to 12 weeks. Don't worry about it." (10:17, Bryan) "Uncontrollable diarrhea is one of my favorite." (10:30, Chrissy)

3. Puberty, Sex Ed, and How NOT to Teach It (12:07–18:00)

• Bryan’s Puberty Flashbacks:
  • Recalls embarrassing moments in gym class and early signs of puberty. "I also, you know, had a raging hard-on ... I just told him no. I just literally laid flat on the ground." (13:13, Bryan)
• Sex Ed in Catholic School:
  • The substitute gym teacher's hilariously awkward approach. “In the first 13 seconds, he mentioned condoms, dildos, KY Jelly, and anal sex all in one sentence.” (14:14, Bryan)
  • Riffing on religious limitations and contradictions:
    "They're teaching you sex even though they want you to be scared of the actual sex." (15:26, Bryan)
• Curiosity About Old Sex Ed Videos:
  • Bryan’s online hunt for the awkward Catholic sex ed tapes leads them into a segment mocking classic educational content.

4. Listening & Roasting Classic Sex Ed Videos (20:00–58:00)

a) The Irish Nun’s Approach (20:51–28:19)

• Audio Clip Segments:
  • Sister Angela O’Toole’s sincerely naive (and humorously stilted) explanation about “growing up.” "Everything is based on love. And the person who loves us most of all is God." (21:50, Sister Angela)
  • The mechanics of intercourse, presented with the innocence and awkwardness typical of 80s-90s Catholic sex ed. "Lovemaking just means making each other feel loved." (23:29, Sister Angela) "The woman feels her vagina becoming kind of slippery inside so that the penis can easily slip in and out." (25:43, Sister Angela)
  • Bryan and Chrissy interject with biting asides and improv, mocking euphemisms and tiptoeing around real information. "If you can manage to steal the flag from the other person, then you win the game. Who's got the hot Jizz?" (27:28, Bryan)
• Score & Verdict:
  "I'll give it a three (out of ten)." (28:15, Chrissy)

b) The Classic US Government Film "The Changing Boy's Body" (30:03 – 58:00)

• Setting and Voice Acting Parody:

  • "Gene Douglas" as the well-meaning but awkward coach, walking boys through puberty with clinical language and dated metaphors. "Here’s the penis and the scrotum. Oh, Coach, that's not a diagram. That’s your actual penis." (48:06–48:10, Bryan’s riff)
  • Excruciating conversations about wet dreams, sperm, and erections, featuring staged, unrealistic "boy banter." "Hey, you know something? I had a wet dream last night." (38:20, Gene Douglas) "Oh, you know, the sperm comes out of your penis." (39:01, Gene Douglas)
  • Bryan and Krissy lampoon the dialogue, highlighting the discomfort and inaccuracy of these films. "I find the Christmas tree sexy. I don't even know what's going on." (44:51, Bryan riff) "You ever seen a grown man naked?" (47:50, Chrissy riff) "You’ll be digging ditches in no time." (35:12, Bryan riff)
  • They compare the teaching quality ("Gene was a much better coach than Angela") and note how dated (and male-centric) the content is. "Seriously, learning about just. Only the man body." (58:12, Chrissy)

• Notable “Sex Ed” Quotes:
  "It also makes you grow thicker or taller or both." (49:34, Gene)
  "Now, when something excites you. Sexual. Yes, it's made up mostly of sponges." (52:45, Gene/Bryan riff)

• Tangents:

  • Joking about odd puberty triggers ("horseback riding"), and reiterating how weird it was to have these talks in mixed-gender classes. "I got one year of it. I got it for two classes from the substitute gym teacher who was having a hard time even standing in the class and looking anybody in the eye." (28:33, Bryan)

5. Reflections, Callbacks & Wrap-Up (58:00–61:15)

• Memories of Real Sex Ed:
  • Commentary on how little or poorly they actually learned in school, with a nod to repeating the woman-focused section in the future ("part two gets into the woman body").
• Shout-Outs & In-Jokes:
  • Callbacks to previous episodes (with Dr. Sin, the sexologist guest).
• Thankfulness & Listener Appreciation:
  "These listeners are amazeballs. The TCB family is amazing." (60:36, Bryan)
• Safety PSA and Season’s Greetings:
  • Standard TCB sign-off, encouraging listeners not to drink and drive.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Longevity:
  "If we can hang our hat on one thing, it's the fact that we have consistently shown up and given you exactly what you never asked for." (00:24, Bryan)

• On Podcast Monetization:
  “We tried charging...but we kind of felt dirty about that. It was early on...but we didn’t have premium content.” (02:29–02:52, Bryan & Chrissy)

• On Sex Ed Euphemisms:
  "Lovemaking just means making each other feel loved." (23:29, Sister Angela) “Tag, you're it! ...And that’s all.” (26:57, Sister Angela/Bryan/Chrissy improv)

• On 50s Government Videos:
  "Hey, you know something? I had a wet dream last night." (38:20, Gene Douglas) "You handled that like a champ." (31:58, Bryan riff) "You have to let the poison out." (54:26, Bryan/Chrissy riff)

• Hosts' Running Gags:

  • On ridiculousness of ad categories: “Boner medication 24 hours a day.” (09:34, Bryan)
  • On religious sex education: “Dear God, can you make my penis work just one more time?” (22:04, Bryan)
  • On awkward metaphors: “Now, when something excites you... it's made up mostly of sponges.” (52:45, Gene/Bryan riff)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–05:00 – Introduction, meta-commentary on podcast longevity and playing old episodes
• 06:08–10:38 – Discussion of podcast ads, selling out, and parodying medical disclaimers
• 12:07–16:13 – Personal puberty stories and Catholic school sex ed flashbacks
• 20:00–28:19 – Reaction to Irish nun's sex ed video
• 30:03–58:00 – Listening to and parodying the US government’s classic puberty film
• 58:00–61:15 – Reflections, callbacks, Thanksgiving shout-outs, sign-off

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Tone & Style

Loud, unabashed, and improvisational. Bryan and Chrissy play off each other’s sensibilities, veering into wild tangents and exaggerated parodies, constantly breaking the fourth wall (“the TCB family is amazing”). They blend personal anecdotes with a deeply irreverent take on cultural norms and media from the past, often punctuated by deadpan or absurd, graphic humor.

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In Summary

This episode blends the hosts’ signature off-the-cuff comedy with biting commentary on the awkwardness of sexual education—both religious and secular. It’s a superb showcase of TCB’s tendency to turn even the most dry “educational” content into comedic gold, with a healthy dose of meta-podcast lampooning and seasonal warmth. If you’re curious about how “not to” teach sex ed—or just want to laugh about the universal weirdness of puberty, this episode fits the bill.

Transcript

[Brian Green]

Foreign. The TCB season lottery continues this week with TCB Classics going all the way through six seasons of the commercial break. They said we couldn't do it. They said it would never happen. The naysayers told us, no, you'll never get to 10 episodes, let alone a thousand. But despite all indications to the opposite, Chrissy and I continue to do the show. No money, no listeners, no fame, no fortune, no glory, and very few, if any laughs. But if we can hang our hat on one thing, it's the fact that we have consistently shown up and given you exactly what you never asked for. Mom would be proud if mom knew how to get a podcast on her phone. Hi, Brian, it's your mom. So in case you didn't tune in earlier in the week, while Chrissy and I are out of town, I'm doing the TCB season lottery. You're getting one completely random episode from each each season of the commercial break. We're on season number two. I have no idea what you're about to hear, but it's run in its entirety and completely unedited. Surprise. Let's enjoy together and figure out what kind of shit Chrissy and I were up to 17 years ago. And welcome back to WSHIT's continuing coverage of the 2022 Crabapple mayoral election. Steve's got some callers on the line. He's taking some questions for the mayoral candidates. Let's go live to Steve in the studio.

[Gene Douglas]

Hello.

[Brian Green]

Speaking of new faces, I generally have

[Gene Douglas]

voted Republican over the years, but recently

[Brian Green]

I've become disillusioned with the party and I found a.

[Gene Douglas]

An independent candidate that's been getting some press lately called Deez Nuts.

[Brian Green]

And I was wondering what your views

[Gene Douglas]

on that were, what his chances are. By the way, Deez Nuts has been

[Brian Green]

identified as a 15 year old farm boy named Brady Olson. Well, I don't know about you, but I think Deez Nuts is the refreshing change we need in office. We'll be back after this commercial break. On this episode of the commercial break, one of the two ways that we can do this, Chrissy is right, is we can charge. We tried that. It wasn't an incredibly successful venture. It was early on, very early on, in like episode number 30. But we kind of felt dirty about that a little bit because, like, you know the whole thing about podcasting, we

[Chrissy Hoadley]

didn't have premium content.

[Brian Green]

When exactly did that happen? Which episode? Episode 43. Exactly.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

After that. Premium. Premium content. The Sopranos level.

[Brian Green]

That's right.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You gotta throw some commercials in there now.

[Brian Green]

I'M not entirely sure when we were doing Patreon that that was premium content.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That's what I'm saying. It wasn't premium content.

[Brian Green]

Okay? Those episodes have been lost fore, by the way, never to be found again.

[Gene Douglas]

Hey, you know something?

[Jimmy]

No, what?

[Gene Douglas]

I had a wet dream last night.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Hey, you wanna hear something? What?

[Brian Green]

Hey, did you hear about Babe Ruth's big homer and the ninth thing, by the way, I got jizzed all over my underwear. I just came in my pants. Oh, gee, Jimmy, why haven't I jizzed in my pants yet?

[Jimmy]

What? Dre, what's that?

[Gene Douglas]

Oh, you know, the sperm comes out of your penis.

[Jimmy]

Sperm?

[Gene Douglas]

Yeah, sort of. The sticky stuff.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that white sticky stuff I can't get out of my hair. The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now. Happy episode of the Commercial Break. How the hell are you? I'm Brian Green. This is Chrissy Hoadley.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

And happy holidays.

[Brian Green]

Best of you, Chrissy.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Best to you, Brian.

[Brian Green]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us on yet another episode of the. This. The. The Commercial break.

[Jimmy]

The.

[Brian Green]

Don't forget the commercial break.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

One and only.

[Brian Green]

The one and only. I'm glad you're on board today.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I'm surprised I don't hear this music in my sleep, but I don't.

[Brian Green]

You will eventually. It's gonna be like that McDonald's fry timer.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I don't. But I love the music. I just love it. It gets me the mood.

[Brian Green]

Very good.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's. Yes. It's time to rock.

[Brian Green]

I like our intros. I like our outros. I like the guy who does it. I think we. I think that part we've done right. Now, if we can just get the middle part of the program buttoned up a little bit more, we'll be good. Good. There'll be people listening to us. Don't worry. I think by number, I think by episode number 180, we should. We should break the listener remark.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Stay tuned. Stay tuned for 180.

[Brian Green]

Please. Stay tuned. So if we're going to get to 10 listeners, we need you.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We'll be good by then.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, we'll be good by them. We're just winging it. A wing and a prayer over there.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Wing and a prayer.

[Brian Green]

Winging a prayer. You know, this brings up an interesting topic. Take my hand.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We'll make it, I swear.

[Brian Green]

Whoa. We're gonna get 10 listeners here. This brings up a fantastic. This good segue to my next point, which I wanted to point out a couple weeks ago. Actually, I pointed it out at the end of the show. But I'm not entirely sure how many people stay toward the very end of the show. So I'll put it to the front of the show. So we cover those who stay and those who don't stay. Of our nine listeners, I bet seven of them don't listen to the very, very, very end of the show. Yes, maybe. I don't know, actually, the stats tell me differently, but whatever. A couple of. I got a couple of emails and those emails weren't negative emails. They were just question marks. Did you know that on such and such platform there are advertising advertisements running inside of your show? Now, we're not talking about the host red ads, which Chrissy and I actually do. Chrissy and. Or I do inside of the show. But you'll notice that there's a little commercial break for the commercial break. And that's where I stuff all those liners that everyone hated. When I was talking for 17 minutes about WW this and WWW that.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Remember that?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that was. Yeah, that was horrible. I went back and listened to some of this episode. I'm like, what are you droning on about for 26 minutes? Fucking care.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I think I would just kind of like zone out and drink.

[Brian Green]

I know you would. I know you would. But honestly, sometimes a third of the episode was dedicated to telling where people where they could find us additionally, when they were already listening to us, like doing that. Well, anyway, now I do it very quickly in the middle of the show. It's a. It's a tape segment. Spotify has asked us if we would be okay with them selling ads on our behalf. And we have said yes, of course, because that's a big deal in the podcast universe. That's a big deal.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, that is.

[Brian Green]

So as well as the host red ads, sometimes you will hear at the very beginning of the show or in the middle of the show, a commercial or two. 15 to 30 seconds. A commercial or two. That is us. We are doing that. We did say yes to Spotify.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We know.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, we know.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We know.

[Brian Green]

And here's the reason why, in all honesty, is

[Chrissy Hoadley]

because we've been doing this for years. I need some money.

[Brian Green]

We just thought we'd share that with you.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, I think people get it.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I think you get it. I don't think I need to dumb this down. Here it is.

[Jimmy]

Yeah.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You're either gonna pay for a subscription service with no commercials or you're gonna have a free service and hear a

[Brian Green]

couple or you're not going to listen to the Show.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I'm not going with that.

[Brian Green]

Okay, all right, all right, fair enough. You like the commercial break. And one of the two ways that we can do this, Chrissy, is right, is we can. We can charge. We tried that. It wasn't an incredibly successful venture. Was early on, very early on in the. In, like, episode number 30. But we kind of felt dirty about that a little bit because, like, you know, the whole thing about podcast, we

[Chrissy Hoadley]

didn't have premium content.

[Brian Green]

When exactly did that happen?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

Which episode? Episode 43. 3. Exactly.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Premium. Premium content.

[Brian Green]

I'm.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Sopranos level.

[Brian Green]

That's right.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

And you gotta throw some commercials in there.

[Brian Green]

Now, I'm not entirely sure when we were doing Patreon that that was premium content.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That's what I'm saying. It wasn't premium content.

[Brian Green]

Okay. Those episodes have been lost forever, by the way, never to be found again. You get it?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We only did one.

[Brian Green]

We're here. We did five. We did five. Yeah. They're not gonna be played anymore.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Mary should play them again.

[Brian Green]

I think at some point we will like a whole catalog out there of all of the episodes, like the one we just recorded 30 minutes of and then figured out that we didn't press.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I'm feeling punchy.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's right. We put a little extra wine in her.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

You get it. We come here. Yeah. We take some time with energy, effort, and money to make the show. And now we've gotten to the point where we're able to sell sponsors into the show, and we felt like that was the right move just to compensate us for a little bit of the money that we put out there. It's not a lot. Just when it's not Joe Rogan money. We're not. We're not. We're not independently living off of the podcast yet, but we hope to someday. And so we really appreciate that you stick around and listen to the commercials. It's not that big of a deal. It's a couple minutes, and the sponsors give you free shit. So if you like it, they do go and use their URLs and codes if you're in the market for it. And we promise we'll never sell anything on the show that we would not use ourselves. So you will not see, you know, testosterone supplements in vermicin or whatever that is. You're never going to hear that on our show. It's not going to happen. So just know it.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I appreciate it. Everything that we've put on here.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. So far, all the host red sponsors we've had and we have a little less control over what gets sold by Spotify. But I do have the ability to say, I want this. I don't want that. And so, you know, I just put in, basically, I said, ed, medication is the only category. So now you're going to hear boner medication 24 hours a day on the commercial break. If that's our target audience. Science men with erectile dysfunction. If you have a medication for erectile dysfunction, I've got two shows for you.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

And then, like, what are all those things they say on the. Oh, yeah, medical commercials.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Please be careful.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah. It could cause frias.

[Brian Green]

Your penis could explode. You may not be able to ejaculate for 6 to 12 weeks. Don't worry about it. But don't worry about it.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah. Otherwise, totally take it.

[Brian Green]

I know. I love the ones that are like, you know, death is an uncommon occurrence.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Uncontrollable diarrhea is one of my favorite.

[Brian Green]

Explosive blood coming out of your ears may, on occasion, happen.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

If you lose the left eyeball, call your doctor.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Contact your doctor.

[Brian Green]

Talk to your doctor about a missing nose in the morning blindness. If your teeth start falling out while you're eating soft foods. Call your doctor. Talk to him about. Yeah, they say everything under the sun. That's. That's the cya. You know, we're one of the only countries in the world that allows for private medication companies, like private pharmaceutical companies to actually advertise on television.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, really?

[Brian Green]

One of the only ones in the world in Europe, probably, because I don't

[Chrissy Hoadley]

live in another country.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, well, there you go. You cannot do that. You. I don't know what the t. I don't know what the TV production companies do when they don't have all that pharmaceutical money. You know what I'm saying?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That's true. It's crazy big money.

[Brian Green]

It's like every third commercial is for this or that or the other thing, and it's. Sometimes it's really random medications like, you know, if you have erectile dysfunction coupled with, you know, schizophrenia coupled with breast cancer, call that, you know, you may need, you know, flub open. Flub open. Helps. Helps you stay away. Flip open. If you're a truck driver with one leg, driving down the street, Driving down

[Chrissy Hoadley]

the street, you may need this.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And notice an itch in your nipple. You may need phleboptin. Phlebopen has been proven to keep you awake while getting rid of that itch. Nipple itch. Good old nipple, in case you're wondering. Hey, I was thinking the other day, I was thinking about our changing bodies. You know, I'm getting up there in age. I'm in my late 20s now, and things are starting to right.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That was also the name of our very first podcast of 2021, Our Changing Bodies.

[Brian Green]

It's amazing that you still remember that. That's crazy. And that's a pretty funny episode if you want to go back and listen to it. It's the first episode. It's the first episode that we recorded here in this studio.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

And that's when we say a happy new year.

[Brian Green]

For six months.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

For six months. And then the second half of the year, we flip to Happy Holidays.

[Brian Green]

I was thinking about my changing body as I get a little bit older and, you know, all the things that come along with a changing body. And it made me think for some reason, think back to puberty. Like, you know, aging happens slowly, but puberty happened so quick.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, my gosh. And there's a really good show. I don't know if you've seen this. It's on Netflix.

[Brian Green]

It's called Big Mouth and I've seen a couple episodes.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Hilarious. Nick Kroll does it. I mean, it's. It's all about puberty. It's done in animated. Animated form.

[Brian Green]

Nick, roll. So funny.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's really, really funny, Jeff, and I love it.

[Brian Green]

You know, I remember the hormone monster

[Chrissy Hoadley]

is the big thing.

[Brian Green]

I've seen it. I remember when I got hair on my chest. I had hair on my legs extraordinarily early. Like, I was 11 or 12 years old when I started getting hairy legs. And that was not fun in the gym class. I also, you know, had a raging heart on every. You know, one time when the guy asked me to climb the rope and I just told him no. I just literally laid flat on the ground.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I just can't do it. No, don't put me in coach.

[Brian Green]

Do not put me in coach. There's a lot of stuff that goes on during that puberty in a very short order of time. So I remember back to a specific class that I had back in my Catholic high school freshman year. That is when the Catholics taught you about sex ed was in freshman year of high school.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Very informative.

[Brian Green]

It was taught by the assistant, like the fill in. The substitute gym teacher was the guy who taught this class, I'm pretty sure

[Chrissy Hoadley]

because the gym teacher was like, this is too embarrassing. I can't do it. I'm calling in sick today.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I can't ask you to climb that rope and look you in the eyes after I've talked about your boner. The substitute teacher was the probably the worst sexual educator that has ever lived. In the first 13 seconds of the conversation, he mentioned condoms, dildos, KY Jelly, and anal sex all in one sentence. He just literally blurted it out. He was like, put the condom on some with some KY jelly. Have anal sex with a dildo. I was like, oh, my God. I think he was trying to connect with the kids, you know, he was

[Chrissy Hoadley]

trying to be like, I know what.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I know what the kids are doing. They're throwing, you know, KY on a cucumber and sticking it up their ass. And I'm like, what?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You can do that?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you can. Hey, you haven't tried it yet. That's called the reverse cucumber. It's called a pickle. Called a pickle. You throw some vinegar on it, shove

[Chrissy Hoadley]

it up your ass, turns into a pickle. That's how they make them for the Chick Fil A sandwiches.

[Brian Green]

Unbelievable. I thought they'd be a little bit more conservative over there at Chick Fil

[Chrissy Hoadley]

A. I think they.

[Brian Green]

As a Catholic kid in Catholic high school, you know, we had the video, too. Everybody had the video that went along with it. But the video that would have gone along with my particular class would have had to kind of dance around all of the eccentricities of the Catholic religion. Like, you can't have sex before marriage. You can't wear a condom. You know, your birth control is a sin. You know, all this other shit that basically, they're teaching you sex even though they want you to be scared of the actual sex.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

What happens when you get married?

[Brian Green]

Yes, when you get married in freshman year in high school.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Right?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. That's what they're teaching you. That's right. And now I had long since known about sex. I may have even had sex. At this point, I'm not even sure

[Chrissy Hoadley]

you had hair on your legs.

[Brian Green]

So I got. So I went on the Internet, and I was like, I'm gonna see if I can find this Catholic video that they would have been showing around the 90s, you know, because the Catholics, they all just, you know, they make one and then they distribute it to all the Catholic schools, Right? But I couldn't find it. And what I did find was a smorgasbord. Literally, in German, a smorgasbord of sex ed tapes.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, gosh, I can imagine some of

[Brian Green]

these are extraordinarily, extraordinarily graphic. Only in Europe, they have a very popular television show put on by the BBC in the British colonies. But Then in Germany, they have their own version of it called Sex Ed. And it's a show that runs on the public television.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Okay, I like it.

[Brian Green]

And they literally have a naked lady spread out on a bed and there is a. What looks like a doctor. She's got a medical coat on. Anyway, right. Spreading the vagina lips to. To touch the clitoris to point to where it is.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I mean, bravo, bravo, bravo.

[Brian Green]

For my late night browsing here in the studio, I got it on private browser mode. This is not at all what I saw as a child. But maybe exactly what is needed.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I think so. Because with the porn that's on the Internet.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's not realistic.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I mean, it's not.

[Brian Green]

It's not realistic for me.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

People need to be taught that.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, people need to be. People need to be taught how to have normal, regular sex.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Because porn sex with people's changing bodies.

[Brian Green]

With people's changing bodies. That's right. You got to teach these kids and you got to show them. There weren't even diagrams involved in my sexual education. It was literally some rotund guy talking to us about where the vag was. We were all like, yeah, we know, we got it between the legs. 10, 4. And then they, you know, try and explain all the holes and stuff like that. Whatever, you get it. So I went on a hunt to see if I could find one of these educational videos that might have been playing around that time. I really wanted to see, like, I don't remember the video. I just remember the guy who was trying to explain the video to us. So I found some. Would you like to hear?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Gene Douglas]

You make this rather snappy, won't you? I have some very heavy thinking to

[Brian Green]

do before 10 o'. Clock.

[Rachel]

Hi, cats and kittens. Rachel here. Do you ever get the urge to speak endlessly into the void like Brian? Well, I've got just the place for you to do that. 212-4333. TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Feel free to call and yell all you want. Tell Brian I need a raise. Compliment Chrissy's and innate ability to put up with all his shenanigans or tell us a little story. The juicier the better. By the way, we'd love to hear your voice because Lord knows we're done listening to ourselves. Also, give us a follow on your favorite socials. Hecommercial break on insta. TCB podcast on TikTok. And for those of you who like to watch. Oh, that came out wrong. We Put all the episodes out on video, YouTube.com thecommercial break, and tcbpodcast.com for all the info on the show, your free sticker, or just to see how pretty we look. Okay, I gotta go now. I've got a date with my dog. No, seriously. Axl needs food. Today is pork chop day.

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[Brian Green]

I was trolling on the Internet as you. As I do. Let me get the video here up. Okay. Now, I can't. I'm not gonna give you some of the more graphic stuff. I'm gonna stick with the older stuff. I'm the first gonna. I'm first gonna listen. We're first gonna listen to a sister. A sister. A nun trying to give sexual education to the Catholic kids.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Do they have sex?

[Brian Green]

No.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Okay, just clarify that.

[Brian Green]

Nuns, do they have sex? Okay, if you watch HBO's the Young Pope, right. They are fucking all over the place. They're literally blowing the Pope 24 hours a day. Which is a great show, by the way. The Young Pope.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I need to watch that. It' my list.

[Brian Green]

It's incredible. It's such a good show. But, you know, those sexy nuns, the world's most attractive nuns that ever live, are always in some state of undress, blowing somebody. Right? And the. You know, the. Anyway, no. Nuns take a vow of celibacy, just like the Father. That's what I saw. Absolutely ridiculous. Let's get real. Come on. A vow of celibacy just leads them down the darker path. We know it. Don't do it. But here, this nun seems to. She seems to be okay with talking about, you know, the ins and outs. You want to hear?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

She got. She drew the short straw.

[Brian Green]

She drew the short. On this one, she may have never even had sex.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Brian Green]

I mean, how do you teach about that?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I don't know. I guess you just. I guess someone teaches it to you, and then you say, okay, I can figure that one out.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

But she. I think she. This is an Irish public television video from Ireland, which is why I said Irish.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yes, yes, Mr. Green.

[Brian Green]

And here she is teaching us about the birds and the beads.

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

Hello, I'm Angela. And over the next few sessions, we're going to be together, talking about you growing up, your body, its changes, and a lot more. And I think you're going to find it fascinating.

[Brian Green]

Oh, I'm already fascinated, Sister o'. Doula.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Riveting.

[Brian Green]

My grandma's teaching me about sex. I can't wait.

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

Everything is based on love. And the person who loves us most of all is God. So let's start by asking him to.

[Brian Green]

Do I have a boner, dear God,

[Chrissy Hoadley]

do I have a boner, dear God,

[Brian Green]

can you make my penis work just one more time? That's Frankie B. Hey, God, what do you say about making this shaft get up high? Heart in heaven, I can have sex with this 30 year old.

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

Help us to understand about it all. Dear Lord, I want to invite you to be with us as we talk together about growing up.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Just about growing up. That's a broad umbrella that she just threw out.

[Brian Green]

She doesn't want to offend Jesus. She doesn't want say, dear God, please help us as we talk about, you know, reverse cowboy anal sex, the double stomp. Yes, please help us as we talk about double penetration with these youngsters, with these 10 to 15 year olds. Oh, my God.

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

Because you are the inventor of people and penises. You are the one best able to understand us and help us to understand

[Brian Green]

and love one another and our changing bodies. That was a great prayer. Oh, they're getting you in the mood here. You notice this is a Casio 3000.

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

This is the newlywed couple here. And they're showing their love for each other.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's right. Catch there. Good catch.

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

By lovemaking. Lovemaking just means making each other feel loved.

[Brian Green]

Nope, not in my world.

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

How do you make a person feel loved? Well, you give them kisses and hugs and you hold them close and then

[Brian Green]

you tear off their bra with your teeth.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Spice and everything. Nice.

[Brian Green]

It's hair off the bra with your teeth. And you get in those edible panties and you're going, oh, sister, you're way off the mark here. Yeah. Even I can guarantee you, whatever Irish kids are watching this are like, come on. Yeah. Really?

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

Yeah, but between a man and a woman, it's a bit different because when they.

[Brian Green]

Man and a woman. Man and a woman. No room for interpretation there.

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

Hold each other really close and give a long kiss and a warm Hug. They tell each other that they're beautiful and everything like that. And they also have a bit of a laugh because they are the best of friends.

[Brian Green]

Just like Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That's right, best friends.

[Brian Green]

They have a good giggle at the size of his dingle.

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

And then something happens.

[Brian Green]

Uh oh.

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

In a very short time, because they're so close, the man feels his penis becoming erect, engorged.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

In fact, he's been waiting for a long.

[Brian Green]

It hurts bad. And he needs to release the poison.

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

Straight, hard. And the sperm coming down into it like it did when he had a wet dream.

[Brian Green]

By the way, I hate that term. I hate the term wet dream. I hate it.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

A moist dream.

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

Now what?

[Brian Green]

I just prefer like a jizz dream. Like, yeah, like a drippy dream. Like, I just prefer anything except for wet dream. It drives me crazy. I don't know why.

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

The sperm is coming into the man's penis. The woman's body is getting ready to receive the sperm. It's amazing, you know, how God made it, because while they're making love and being happy together, the woman feels her vagina becoming kind of slippery inside so that the penis can easily slip in and out.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Splish, splash. I was taking a bath.

[Brian Green]

Let Sister o' Dour show you with her old crotchety crotch. Someone Sister o' Dour's age may need a little help. A little jump start. That's why this video is sponsored by Catholic ky. Made with real holy water to protect your cock during intercourse. Here's the happy cocking.

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

No trouble. So he slips it.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

No trouble.

[Brian Green]

If I was making love to this lady and she was like, don't worry about it. No trouble.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

No trouble.

[Brian Green]

No trouble. Just try again. Just try again, Brian. Let me give you a little spanking on your bottom and we'll have a war. A long hug and a deep kiss and maybe a bit of a giggle because we are the best of friends. And then you can slip it in me. In and out, no trouble.

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

His penis into her vagina, gives her the sperm, then she has the sperm, then the penis slips out and then.

[Brian Green]

Tag uret.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, exactly. I was about to say gives her the sperm and then he runs off

[Brian Green]

and then it's her turn to hide.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Attack your.

[Rachel]

It.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It.

[Brian Green]

Oh my God. That was funny, Brian.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Y that's about what happens.

[Brian Green]

No takesy back slip.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Slip it on and boom.

[Brian Green]

If you can manage to steal the flag from the other person, then you win the game.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Who's got the hot potato?

[Brian Green]

Who's got the hot Jizz. She's got it now. Now she sits on his face and gives it right back to him. We call this a Jesus chain, passing the jizz from one Jesus to the other.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Green]

Oh.

[Sister Angela O'Toole]

And that's all.

[Brian Green]

That's all. That's it. No more to talk about, Tag. She's it. She runs away and that's it. Never to be seen or heard from again. Oh, my God. That was great. Sister O'Duo. Thank you very much.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Good effort.

[Brian Green]

There's more to this, but I have other stuff to get on to, so

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I'll give it a three.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

What's that scale from one to ten? I give it three.

[Brian Green]

She didn't say anything?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

No. The last thing I know, we're. We're hugging, we're kissing, then boom, we're laughing. Slip, slide, dive, and jive.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. That's all, folks.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Easy. Yeah, no problem.

[Brian Green]

You. You would realize as a adult now I realize just how little sex education I actually got. Yeah, I got one year of it. I got it for two classes from the substitute gym teacher who was having a hard time even standing in the class and looking anybody in the eye.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I mean, can you imagine, like, all the young faces looking at you?

[Brian Green]

I can't. I know.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

What does it all mean?

[Brian Green]

What does it all mean? A what? And it was Bo. Boys and girls in the class.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So that was the weird girls. Oh, really?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

They separated you guys. I don't know why they didn't separate us.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Seems like that's a better way.

[Brian Green]

I don't know.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, we can be a little bit more open and free. That way I imagine a specific woman's body.

[Brian Green]

Or that way I can look at the back of your head while I'm thinking about a vagina.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You have that.

[Brian Green]

You have what?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Brian has what?

[Brian Green]

Wow, that's crazy.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Chrissy's doing that.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. He's like, yeah. The National Geographic magazine. These are boobs. Are they? They don't look like boobs to me. He had a hard time. That guy had a hard job. Now I look back on it and I think, well, he really did have a hard job. This is the Catholic version. Obviously, they're not telling you anything. They don't want you to have sex before marriage. They want you to be informed enough to be dangerous, meaning you know. Know what goes on, but they don't necessarily want you to have sex. So now I want to tell you what the US Government was talking about back in the. As early as the 50s.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I bet they really have something to say.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. They really stepped it up a notch. Here you go. You ready? This is called the Changing Boy or the Boy's Body. The Change. The Changing Boy Body. The Changing Boy Body. I don't something like that, but it's produced by the US Government.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Are you going to play this for Matthias?

[Brian Green]

No, no, I've already. I'm already thinking about this conversation that I'm going to have with Matthias. And I'm going to be like, use the force, son. The U.S. greens. We don't need to have a lot of long talk and a big book pointing out diagrams and diagraphs. You already have this information right inside your head. Just let it fly. Just go for it. Yes. Find the back of a rec. Find the back of a rectory at some Catholic church here in the city. Find yourself a nice young lady and you. Or man and you go explore. Yeah, that's how you figure it out. Go explore. So, no, I don't need to have a conversation with the kids. No, I'm already embarrassed, actually. All right, boys, get out your boners. Let your boners fly. Boys, I want you to stand erect for the American flag. Literally.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yankee Doodle went to town.

[Brian Green]

Yankee Doodle to town Riding on my

[Chrissy Hoadley]

boner and called it macaroni.

[Brian Green]

There's always some kind of, you know, weird, weird music playing. Yeah.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Here comes a cavalry.

[Gene Douglas]

Hey, not bad.

[Brian Green]

Hey, not bad, Jimmy. Good job with that hand shandy you were giving yourself. Yeah, was watching you.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You know what you're doing?

[Brian Green]

You know what you're doing. Don't need to. Don't need to tell you about sex, son. You handled that like a champ.

[Gene Douglas]

You kids really poured it on. Hi, I'm Gene Douglas.

[Brian Green]

Ah, good old Gene Douglas.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I'm Gene Douglas.

[Brian Green]

Hi, I'm Gene Douglas. You may know me from such movies as why are you touching yourself? And look out for menstruation. I mean, this is my brand new film, the Monthly Curse. Gene Douglas. I don't know. I think he's a movie star, actually.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I don't know what movie he was in, but I think he's a movie star. He's playing a coach, and then there's a bunch of kids, just to give you kind of frame of reference. They're in a. They're in a track and field. And the coach is now going to point out all of the boys. And these boys, just to let you know, are different shapes and sizes.

[Gene Douglas]

So that's part of my freshman track team. The boys are really working very hard.

[Brian Green]

So are their erections. Everything looks good. Their Home hormones are also clocking in double time.

[Gene Douglas]

Say, maybe you'd like to meet some of them.

[Brian Green]

Oh, boy, would I.

[Gene Douglas]

There's Bill. He's going out for the high jump. And Jim, the broad jump and sprints, too. Mike is number one boy at the shot put right now.

[Brian Green]

He's also trying to see how many times he can masturbate in one session.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

This is hilarious.

[Gene Douglas]

He's a pretty good distance runner, too. But Ben's clock the best time for the 440 so far. Pole vault is George's specialty, but he's giving the high jump a good try, too. And Pete, well, he. He's trying most everything right now.

[Brian Green]

Girls, boys, small animals. Pete's an adventurous young man. Yeah, he's into it all.

[Gene Douglas]

They make a pretty fair team. Anyway, they're sure trying hard enough.

[Jimmy]

Hey, coach.

[Gene Douglas]

Yeah?

[Jimmy]

I twisted my ankle.

[Gene Douglas]

Oh, is it bad?

[Jimmy]

I don't think so.

[Gene Douglas]

Well, see me inside, will you? Okay, okay, okay.

[Brian Green]

All right, you little. Stop complaining.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Come on, man.

[Brian Green]

You're so dramatic. Pete, grow up. Come inside and let me teach you about boners. That game's over, I guess. Wow, that was loud.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That was. Stop practicing, boys.

[Brian Green]

They didn't have an audio mixer back then, apparently.

[Jimmy]

Hey, everybody inside. Come on.

[Gene Douglas]

Here, let's take a look.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

They say let's take a look.

[Jimmy]

Yeah, I was taking a jump.

[Brian Green]

Well, he's. He's wrapping Pete's leg, but I landed sideways.

[Gene Douglas]

Yeah, I can see which leg. Well,

[Brian Green]

I was about to say, what does it matter? Then I got the joke. Like, honestly, you worried about that? I don't remember. I watched this video three weeks ago. I'm not sure.

[Gene Douglas]

I'll put an elastic bandage around it. I'll take a look at it and see how it is tomorrow. Okay?

[Jimmy]

Why does this always have to happen to me? Some guys never get hurt.

[Gene Douglas]

Ah, you're just having a little bad luck.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, and you're a little shithead klutz. Yeah, you're basically the runs of the litter. Don't worry about it, Jimmy. We'll find a good use for you before long. You'll be digging ditches in no time.

[Jimmy]

Why me? Look at Mike. He never gets hurt.

[Brian Green]

Well, well, Mike's biggest. Mike's a sexy young man, if you know what I mean.

[Gene Douglas]

He's built a little different from you, Pete. He's developed earlier.

[Jimmy]

Yeah, but why? He's not any older than I am.

[Gene Douglas]

It's not just how old you are. Kids. Kids develop a different time.

[Brian Green]

It's how much you masturbate.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You got to get the juices flowing.

[Brian Green]

That's right. Go down to get a JCPenney's catalog, son, and look at the brazier section.

[Gene Douglas]

Hey, Coach, is Mickey Mouse here gonna live?

[Jimmy]

Mickey Mouse.

[Brian Green]

Listen, you all right bringing Mickey into this? All right, settle down. Go beat the out of each other somewhere else, away from my prying eyes. I know Mickey Mouse.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Why did they throw Mickey in?

[Brian Green]

Well, because I think Mickey Mouse was probably a symbol of, like a. Like a diminutive human being back then. I don't know. How do I know?

[Gene Douglas]

You better get your clothes on.

[Brian Green]

Wait. Jesus, Coach. Oh, Coach. Yeah.

[Gene Douglas]

Wow.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I'm picturing a whole other scene going on now.

[Brian Green]

I didn't think this was a stag film.

[Gene Douglas]

Okay. That Mike, he's sure filling out,

[Brian Green]

Coach. Settle down, Gene. Yeah, Mike, he's filling out those britches nicely. I've been watching. I love my job.

[Gene Douglas]

And it won't be long before Pete starts putting on some weight too. In fact, all these kids are starting to develop now. They're all around 14, 15 years old. And there'll be a lot of changes taking place.

[Brian Green]

By the time they're 18, I'll be ready to ask them out on a date. Until then, I'll keep a close, watchful eye on them.

[Jimmy]

Do your homework.

[Gene Douglas]

What homework?

[Jimmy]

You know, your math. Oh, that. Sure. I couldn't get the last one. Oh, great. That's the one I was wondering about. Say, what happened to your face? Oh, this.

[Brian Green]

Oh, that.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Pimples, Nothing. Shut up.

[Jimmy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

What if he was like. What do you mean? I don't know. You just got ugly all of a sudden. You look like a real raccoon there, Jimmy.

[Jimmy]

Myself shaving.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Jimmy]

Maybe I'll start shaving soon. Come on, we better get a move on or we'll be late for class.

[Brian Green]

Have you ever heard of manscaping?

[Gene Douglas]

Yes, shaving is part of it. And there were still other changes. Some of these things most kids knew about while others didn't. Hey, you know something?

[Jimmy]

No, what?

[Gene Douglas]

I had a wet dream last night.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Hey, you wanna hear something? What?

[Brian Green]

Hey, did you hear about Babe Ruth's big homer? And the ninth thing, by the way, I got jizzed all over my underwear. I just came in my pants. Oh, gee, Jimmy, why haven't I jizzed in my pants yet?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You haven't filled out yet.

[Brian Green]

This is not how men talk, by the way. I mean, I don't know. Maybe we did. I'm not really sure. I remember a lot of awkward situations around sexuality back then, but I don't Remember sitting on a lawn, talking to somebody about my wet dreams?

[Jimmy]

Wet dreams? What's that?

[Gene Douglas]

Oh, you know, the sperm comes out of your penis.

[Jimmy]

Sperm?

[Gene Douglas]

Yeah. I thought it was sticky stuff.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that white sticky stuff I can't get out of my hair. That white sticky stuff I've been collecting in a Styrofoam cup in my bedroom. I don't want it to go to waste. I might need it later, if you know what I mean. Say, did you hear Walt Disney got his head frozen?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God.

[Gene Douglas]

Guy's part of a baby. Didn't your brother ever tell you about that?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It was part of a baby.

[Brian Green]

It was part of a. He said part of a baby. It was part of a baby.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Not yet.

[Gene Douglas]

Not yet.

[Jimmy]

He never says much about anything.

[Brian Green]

He just goes off in the bathroom and whacks off.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

He never says.

[Brian Green]

He never says anything about his wet dreams, which is probably the more appropriate way to handle it.

[Jimmy]

So that means you can start a baby.

[Gene Douglas]

It was something new to Bill. This business of nocturnal emissions.

[Brian Green]

Just as nocturnal emissions. That's even worse than nocturnal emissions. Not a car. You don't have to.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, you're gonna regulate.

[Brian Green]

You don't have to stick a pollution meter on my ass. I'm not. I'm not killing the Earth. I'm just jizzing in my undies. It's perfectly normal.

[Gene Douglas]

A lot of other things were new. Growing up is a time of change. Everything seems to happen at once.

[Jimmy]

The coast at its glands. Well, you get those from your parents.

[Gene Douglas]

Hey, what is this?

[Brian Green]

Hey, what is this? I told you we were going to talk about sex. I wanted to be included in the conversation. Now, Billy, run along.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I'm going to talk to Uncle Jean.

[Brian Green]

Now, Billy, run along. I'm going to talk to these other boys about. Bonus Petey. Take your broken leg and run down the street.

[Gene Douglas]

Taking the afternoon off.

[Jimmy]

Hey, coach, didn't you say it was glands that made guys different?

[Gene Douglas]

Yeah, that's right.

[Jimmy]

Well, today in biology class, Mr. Davis said we're all different because of our parents.

[Gene Douglas]

That's right. I meant the way your body develops at puberty.

[Jimmy]

Puberty?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

What's that?

[Gene Douglas]

Well, that'd take a little explaining. Maybe later, huh?

[Jimmy]

Yeah, but when?

[Gene Douglas]

Well, how about after practice this afternoon?

[Jimmy]

Sure. Great.

[Gene Douglas]

Okay, but we've got work to do now, he says.

[Brian Green]

Okay. Weird. Okay, okay. Meet me in the locker room after class and we'll talk about sex. Just us boys. Nothing strange about that. Perfectly normal. Don't tell your parents. Kids. So weird. Why is the coach just giving Random sex lessons?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah. It wasn't even scheduled.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, My coach couldn't even show up for that day. He didn't even care. He was like, I'm not gonna be a part of that shit. I don't wanna teach these kids about their boners.

[Gene Douglas]

Come on, let's get out there. Come on, fellas. So that afternoon in the locker room, I started answering some of the boys questions.

[Brian Green]

I hold myself up and I got out a few pictures from me and Nancy. I showed the kids how to go to work, if you know what I mean.

[Rachel]

He's at tcb. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid, too? You know you do. Leave a message for her or me or Chrissy at 212-433. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show, too. Just call and say something, anything. Or text us, and we'll text you right back. Promise. Then head over to tcbpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker, and we must abide. You get the point? Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and watch all the episodes on [e-mail] thecommercial break. Best to you and Astrid. Especially Astrid.

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[Gene Douglas]

Hey. You having a meeting? No, just talking. Sit down if you want to.

[Jimmy]

I missed the meeting.

[Brian Green]

Go yourself if you don't. Did I miss the meeting? I'm sorry. My Gmail's not working. Did somebody send this to me in Outlook?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Did I get an invite?

[Gene Douglas]

Where was I? Oh, yes. Well, each of us from the day we're born, no two people are exactly alike. Some of those differences are inherited from our parents.

[Jimmy]

See? I said so.

[Gene Douglas]

Then at puberty, certain glands begin to work and our bodies begin to change.

[Jimmy]

But where are these glands? Yeah. And what's puberty?

[Gene Douglas]

Puberty.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You open up a can of worms here, Gene.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, Gene. Good luck backing into this one, buddy.

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Ethan.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Thought you were sliding on in there. No pun intended.

[Brian Green]

Now you're stuck, but yeah.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

What are glands? What does the earth mean, where did we come from?

[Brian Green]

Hair in my nose. I'm jizzing all over the place, Jean. I don't know what to do. I'm like, what is that? I'm literally like. Like one of those lawn sprinklers at night.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Tell me, Gene.

[Brian Green]

Gene. This is the third mattress my parents have had to buy this year. I don't know what to do. I find the Christmas tree sexy. I don't even know what's going on.

[Gene Douglas]

Mainly, though, it's a time of change for you. It means your bodies are changing from boys to men.

[Jimmy]

You mean like having the shapes to men.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Abc, bbd, The east coast family.

[Brian Green]

You mean like the Grammy Award winning singers? Boys to Men. I've been having nocturnal admissions to them.

[Jimmy]

Say, when's a guy start cheating anyway?

[Gene Douglas]

Oh, there isn't any special age. You're all going to start at different times. That's because everybody matures according to his own body's rules. In general, everybody grows broader in the shoulders, the ribs and the pelvis.

[Brian Green]

The penis. Go ahead and say it, Gene.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's okay.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you've already gone. You've already crossed way too many lines. We're not worried about that word.

[Gene Douglas]

Your arm and leg bones grow longer and so does your back from the neck to the buttocks like a lizard.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Buttocks.

[Brian Green]

And you grow a tail like a lizard. And you start panting like a dog. And you piss on everything like a cat. You know what I'm saying? Good talk, boys. If you're lucky, you'll be a lizard person and control part of the world's wealth.

[Gene Douglas]

But everybody doesn't develop at the same time in the same way. Jim, for instance, is bigger all over than you, Pete. But that just means he started filling out earlier. Earlier. You'll catch up.

[Brian Green]

You'll catch up. I'll show you. I've been taking pictures of you boys for a long time. I'll show you how fast you grow. You want to see?

[Gene Douglas]

George now is going tall instead of filling out. Mike is more like Jim. Ben will be tall, probably. And big all over. Everybody. Everybody.

[Brian Green]

Big all over. Bigfoot. He's in. Oh, my God. Yeah, I love this. But Gene is still doing a better job of explaining. Sister o'. Toole.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Sister Angela.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Sister Angela o'. Toole.

[Gene Douglas]

A little different.

[Jimmy]

Yeah. But where do these glands come in?

[Gene Douglas]

Well, it's the sex glands or testes that actually get these changes going.

[Brian Green]

Here, Here, let me show you. Let me show you, boys. Choo choo. Now, boys, don't be surprised when my balls drop down to my knees as I let my shorts go,

[Chrissy Hoadley]

those are the glands.

[Brian Green]

Those are the glands. And if I didn't keep them tied up, they'd swipe around my shoe.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You ever seen a grown man naked?

[Brian Green]

You ever been to a Turkish bath?

[Gene Douglas]

Maybe a diagram will help.

[Rachel]

Did you say diaphragm diagram?

[Brian Green]

Mommy gave me one of those for breakfast.

[Gene Douglas]

Here's the penis and the scrotum.

[Brian Green]

Oh, Coach, that's not a diagram. That's your actual penis. There's just a hole cut out of that cardboard. I can see. Sorry, boys. I picked up the wrong diagram. One minute.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Put your clothes on.

[Brian Green]

Coach, why are your testes on the table? Oh, my God. I'm sorry, boys. Didn't recognize they were there. When you get this old, they're just flop out of my short shorts, if you know what I mean. I try and keep them under control, but they got a mind of their own.

[Gene Douglas]

That holds the testicles or testes inside. Now, when you're around 14, maybe sooner, maybe later, the testes start making a chemical substance called a hormone. It's this hormone that causes the changes. It enlarges the penis itself and starts hair growing here and under your arms and on your face and on your

[Brian Green]

ears and in your nose. Then your anus. And pretty sure no one loves you anymore. And you're tossed out like yesterday's news.

[Gene Douglas]

It even affects your voice, makes it deeper. It also makes you grow thicker or taller or both.

[Jimmy]

That hormone, is that what you call sperm?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

What's a hormone?

[Brian Green]

Is that what Jimmy plays in the school band? No, that's a trombone, not a hormone. Gene. Gene's doing a good job.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That's right. He's doing the best he can do

[Brian Green]

the best he can. Under the government, under the. Under the watchful eye of the FBI.

[Gene Douglas]

Sperm is something else. Sperm is made in the testes too. Do you all know what sperm is?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Jimmy]

It's the guy's part of the baby, isn't it?

[Gene Douglas]

That's right.

[Jimmy]

But how does it get out from the testicles?

[Brian Green]

Oh, here we go. Now we're talking. Now you're really putting Gene to the test. Now time for a little show and tell. Have you ever met Mrs. Jean? She's gonna help us with a little demonstration I like to call barebacking. For the boys.

[Gene Douglas]

Tubes here, there's one from each testicle goes up, down again through a storage

[Brian Green]

place, through a storage facility. It goes to the local U Haul and it comes back, you know. You know. Do you know Donovan from the from the hardware store. He seconds as a delivery boy, you put your jizz in a cup, and then he runs into the storage facility. And then when the woman's ready, he literally tosses it in there. That's how babies are made in 1952.

[Gene Douglas]

And out into the penis. Now, when the penis erects, gets hard, the sperm can come out in what's called an ejaculation.

[Brian Green]

Hey, here, look.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

This is how.

[Brian Green]

This is a photo from last night. What's flying toward Mrs. Jean's eyeball? Ejaculation.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Love these Polaroid cameras.

[Brian Green]

I know. These newfangled cameras are great.

[Gene Douglas]

What do you mean? Well, I mean, sometimes the penis gets hard without. Well. Oh, without an ejaculation of sperm. Oh, yes, that.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yes. Boys, you're about to run the gauntlet. You don't even understand. You can expect to have a boner anywhere, literally anywhere. Yeah, you. You could be at the local diner, ready to eat your flapjacks, and there it is.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Flapjacks.

[Brian Green]

Now, you're not attracted to the flapjacks, are you, Jimmy? I don't think so. No. That's just your boy.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That's another kind of batter who's in charge.

[Brian Green]

That's a different kind of batter.

[Gene Douglas]

That's right. You see, all an erection is, is an increase in blood in the penis, which is made up mostly of sponges. Yes. Now, when something excites you. Sexual.

[Brian Green]

Yes, it's made up mostly of sponges. The kind your mom washes dishes.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

God literally stuffed a few sponges in your penis. Now, boys, you may notice when you get in the bathtub, it fills up real big. Just ring it out when you're done. Sponges.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Well, I mean, they had certain words back then.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Gene Douglas]

This tissue fills up with blood and the whole organ is extended or hard. Erect. Sometimes that just happens by itself, doesn't it?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Gene Douglas]

You know, like in the morning.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

No.

[Gene Douglas]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

You know, when I'm thinking about my cousin. Say, is it wrong to have sex with your cousin, Gene?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

What's a cousin?

[Gene Douglas]

You don't have to be thinking about sex to have an erection. Pressure from a full bladder can cause it. Rhythmic movements of the body. Horseback riding. Sake.

[Brian Green]

Horseback riding. I've been horseback riding. I've never gotten a boner. Horseback riding.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I was about to say, I think that might be more woman that would get.

[Rachel]

Maybe.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Because of the pressure on the clitoris, but, you know. No, never. I mostly get pain in my balls. It's not something I enjoy actually riding. A horse can be tough on your Nutsack.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I bet it is.

[Gene Douglas]

Yes, George.

[Jimmy]

Just an erection. Well, does that mean you have too much sperm and you ought to get rid of it?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Poison.

[Brian Green]

That's the poison. You gotta get it out.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, you gotta get it out. That's what you tell the girls, now, boys.

[Brian Green]

That's what you tell the girls. You say if I don't get it out, I'm gonna be sick.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And I have to go to the hospital. And you don't want me to go to the hospital, do you? Yes. This is teaching a generation. Oh, Jimmy, I sure don't. What do you say I give you a few rhythmic motions up against your leg, and then everything will be fine?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's easy. No problem.

[Brian Green]

Coach said ride you like a horse.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

No problem.

[Brian Green]

Do you mind getting on all fours and I'm gonna sit on top of ya? Just pretend you're a horse. It's not sexual. Not every boner is sexual. But I do have to let the poison out.

[Gene Douglas]

Get rid of it. No, but sometimes your body will do that by itself at night. It's called a nocturnal emission, or wet dream.

[Jimmy]

Does that. Well, I was told that. Something to do with pimples and stuff. Is that right?

[Gene Douglas]

No, no. You see, when you reach puberty and all these changes start taking place, there are a lot of plans involved, not just the sex glands.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

For instance, it sounds like there's a helicopter overhead.

[Brian Green]

I know. I'm sorry. I know it's so bad. I totally understand. A few more minutes, we'll get through it.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

TMZ is hovering above jeans.

[Brian Green]

They're hovering over the commercial break. What are they talking about today? Like some other people who do nothing but listen to the commercial break for their ideas. Stop it. I want to take a moment and tell you to stop it. Stop listening to my show for your ideas. Get an original thought. I realized that there's. I realized that there are only so many topics we all got to go on, and there's a million comedy podcasts, but at least you could wait an additional week before you. I mean, you're literally going back to back.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, literally.

[Brian Green]

Can you stop it? You know who you are.

[Gene Douglas]

There's one in the back of the brain called the pituitary. And then there's the thyroid glands here

[Brian Green]

in the neck that's making Bobby fat.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

He's filling out too much.

[Brian Green]

He's filled out too much. Enough of those Ho Hos and Ding dongs, Billy.

[Gene Douglas]

Now, some things about these glands are still a mystery, but we do know that a hormone from one can affect the Others. And in a lot of people your age, this may partly cause skin trouble.

[Jimmy]

Well, what can you do about it?

[Gene Douglas]

Oh, if it really bothers you, you should see a doctor. He'll tell you what to do.

[Brian Green]

He'll get lysergic acid and put it all over your face, tell you to stop being a big baby. Everyone gets zits, Jimmy. It's just a. Just life.

[Gene Douglas]

It can be cleared up pretty well these days. Hey, it's about time.

[Jimmy]

Hey, can we go on with this tomorrow? Yeah, how about it?

[Gene Douglas]

Sure. Okay. Come on down early, huh?

[Brian Green]

Come on down extra early and see Coach Gene.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We're gonna skip practice tomorrow.

[Brian Green]

We're gonna skip practicing. Talk about your boners.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yep.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my gosh. We're only through part one, so we'll have to do a different. We'll have to do it another day. But this is Thanksgiving week, and so we don't want to bore you with all sex ed talk. We got a special episode on Friday about Thanksgiving for you and.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, well, if we're playing this after.

[Brian Green]

No, we're playing this before Thanksgiving, and then we have a special Thanksgiving epic playing this tomorrow.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Okay, got it.

[Brian Green]

Well, for you. You don't. It doesn't matter. Just don't even worry about it. Yeah, don't even worry.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Semantics.

[Brian Green]

Just know that we're trying to teach you a little bit of sex. Yeah, that's it. Well, I do have to say that Gene was a much better coach than Angela.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I mean.

[Brian Green]

Oh, well, for sure, I learned more from Gene than I learned from Angela, but I didn't expect anything.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Seriously, learning about just. Only the man body.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, the part two gets into the woman body.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, okay. So we'll have to listen to see what Gene has to say about that.

[Brian Green]

There's lots of. Of, you know, there's. There's a movie called the Curse, which is about your menstruation, and then there's a movie where everyone calls menstruation. Menstruation. Menstruation. Which is really, like, weird to me. And I wish that they would just say menstruation instead of menstruation. Yeah, I hate when people. Well, it's actually spelled like that, but I still hate that they say it the correct way. Drives me crazy. It's like nails on a chalkboard. And then there's ones about, you know, the vulvas, the. Of vagina. Listen, we'll get to it.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We might need to have Dr. Sin back.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that might not be a bad idea. Maybe she'll listen to one of These videos with us and then we can all learn together. So, Yeah, I think Dr. Sin is probably. She's probably much advanced from this information. Dr. Sin has an episode. You can go back. I think it's in the 80s somewhere. Dr. Sin has an episode. She is a sexologist and a gynecologist and she came in one day to teach me how to make a woman happy. Still didn't work. Work. We might need to bring her back. Astrid wants her back.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

All right. TCBpodcast.com is where you go. You find all the show notes, read more about Chrissy and I, listen to all the audio, watch all the video, all from one location. TCBpodcast.com want to thank all of our sponsors and advertisers for being on the commercial break. We sure do appreciate it. You can go to tcbpodcast.com and get all of the URLs and codes that you can use for free discounts or for discounts and free shipping. Go use it like, I mean, some. There's some good stuff. Weeks, like, you know, hello, Fresh for weeks. A free quip. Toothbrush. 20 off this, 30 off that.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Squatty Potties.

[Brian Green]

Squatty Potties. Yeah. Squatty Potty really is the best. And. And we heard that there are a number of people. We got a good report about Squatty Potty.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That spike and sales spike and sales.

[Brian Green]

Look at that. Who knew?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Congratulations. Thank you. If you win both, it really is the best.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

So it should be a part of every household.

[Brian Green]

We're the only podcast that they're advertising on right now, so they can. So they know for sure that we literally drove sales. So thank you, guys. We appreciate it so much. And we say Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Happy Thanksgiving. And I'm grateful for you, Brian.

[Brian Green]

Grateful for you. And I'm grateful that we're alive and we're well and we have our health for the most part. And great.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Grateful for this podcast and our listeners, for sure.

[Brian Green]

These listeners are amazeballs. The TCB family is amazing.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's really fun.

[Brian Green]

Enjoy it. Have a good time with your family and your friends. Don't get too drunk or do. Or do. Just don't drink and drive.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That's all. Of course that's all.

[Brian Green]

I. That's all. We're too old for that.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We're told.

[Brian Green]

Come on. Even if you're 21, you're still smart for that. Yeah. So don't drink and drive. I got to tell you about the accident. I almost got in. I got to. I'll tell that story on a different episode. I literally almost died a flying car in the air.

[Jimmy]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

And if I had not, okay, if I had not just pressed the gas pedal, I'm sure I would be in the hospital for sure. Without a doubt. Anyway, that's it. That's all we can do. Anything else for me, I think that's it. I love you.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I love you.

[Brian Green]

Best to you, Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. And until next time, Chrissy and I always must say bye. Sam.

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