The 555 Rule

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Commercial Break – "The 555 Rule"

Date: September 19, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley
Episode: The 555 Rule

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Overview

This episode of The Commercial Break centers around Bryan’s misadventures at a tanning salon, their comically chaotic personal lives, and a discussion of modern dating standards—specifically the "666 rule" versus Bryan's self-described "555 rule". The hosts maintain their hallmark self-deprecating, offbeat banter, sharing everything from tales of hornet-inhabited sheds to the challenges of house-training stubborn dogs. The episode weaves between hilarious anecdotes and more earnest observations on dating, technology, and social connection.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “555 Rule” and Bryan’s Tanning Bed Drama

• Bryan’s Tanning Routine & Identity (#00:06–#02:55)

  • Bryan jokes about being "in the 555 club": “I'm 5ish something foot tall. I have 5 extra pounds on each love handle and I have a 500 credit score.” (00:10)
  • He admits to frequenting tanning beds for that "little vitamin D boost", and delves into the experience of being a man at a female-staffed salon, emphasizing awkward encounters.
  • Krissy reminisces about also working at a tanning salon, mentioning common encounters with creepy clients (03:57).

• Tanning Salon Billing Fiasco (#05:00–#11:00)

  • Bryan is shocked by a $567.80 charge at a tanning salon he'd previously canceled: “Wah-bam, you owe Bob's Tanning Salons. Add that to your shitty credit score, Brian.” (06:37)
  • After advocating for himself (with uncharacteristic kindness), Bryan gets the charge waived. The manager thanks him for not being a “miserable dick” on the call (10:35).
  • Notable quote:

    “I want to thank you for not being a miserable dick on this phone call.” – Tina, Tanning Salon Manager (10:35)

• The Wild World of Serial Tanners (#14:55–#18:10)

  • Bryan describes seeing "tan addicts," including a male client who tries to tan twice a day—blocked by "state law".
  • He expresses concern about unhealthy tanning obsessions:

    "I wanted to pull the guy aside and I wanted to say tan man to tan man, slow it down a little bit." (15:39)

• Tanning Bed Mishaps (#18:16–#21:05)

  • Learning that new bulbs burn hotter, Bryan ignores staff advice and chooses a longer session—only to panic and bail early:

    "Minute number three and a half, I was like, this is intense...I bailed at four and a half minutes." (20:32)

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2. Life at Home: The Shed, The Pool, and The Dog

• Bryan vs. The Hornets’ Nest (#23:13–#34:08)

  • Bryan recounts a harrowing battle with two hornet nests in his pool shed, managing to spray himself with poison and narrowly escape a swarm:

    “I stand right under my crouch down and I go [sprays]...and the stuff just hits the nest and then comes splashing back on me. ...It’s burning my eyes, I’m like, ahh!” (31:33)

  • Krissy asks if he used goggles—he did not.

• Pool Closures and Squirrel Baths (#23:13–#26:56)

  • Bryan and Krissy discuss closing the pool for the season.
  • Bryan promises to post a video of a squirrel taking a bath in the pool to Instagram.

• Diarrhea Yorkie Hijinks (#34:08–#39:01)

  • Bryan’s Yorkie, Blue, is a focal point as he laments her ongoing bathroom issues:

    “It’s water torture, is what it is… she just eats away at your sense of sanity.” (34:41)

  • The low point: Blue drags her soiled rear across Bryan’s shirt, leading to a “personal” grudge with his tiny dog (37:11).

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3. The “666 Rule” and Modern Dating Culture

• What Is the “666 Rule”? (#40:25–#41:11)

  • Bryan explains: “That is six pack, six feet tall, six figures. If you’re not that, then don’t bother.” (41:06)
  • The hosts riff on how superficial dating standards have become, referencing pop songs and pop culture.

• Pushback, Gender Dynamics, and App Culture (#41:36–#51:12)

  • Bryan and Krissy analyze how dating apps amplify snap judgments and superficiality.
  • Bryan references Professor Galloway’s thesis: women increasingly seek a shrinking pool of “elite” men, leading to widespread loneliness among men and disillusionment in dating:

    “A larger portion of women are increasingly looking for a smaller portion of men…you have 10 women to every guy [who is] a good guy who makes a ton of money, looks great, and is over six feet tall.” (42:16)

  • Krissy reminds that men can be equally shallow, mentioning dating standards cut both ways.
  • Bryan offers personal anecdotes of “swiping right for days and maybe one would be a match”, compared with overwhelming interest his female friends received (46:12–#47:52).
  • Bryan’s “555 Rule” stands in contrast:

    “I’m in the 5-5-5 category: 5ish foot tall, 5 extra pounds on each love handle, and a 500 credit score.” (47:32)

• The Human X Factor and Seeking Substance (#49:10–#51:09)

  • The hosts agree that the “X factor” of someone's personality is lost in app-based dating, and cherish the value of in-person connections.

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4. The Hope for Change: Matchmaking and Digital Detox

• Matchmaking Entrepreneurs (#51:43–#53:13)

  • Bryan shares about a friend’s successful matchmaking business (7 at 7/5 at 5), which fosters real-world group dates.
  • Both hosts say they hope in-person connections become the norm again.

• Actively Leaving the Apps (#53:13–#56:41)

  • Discussion of efforts by tech giants to make social media and dating platforms safer, particularly for children.
  • Bryan supports moves like banning phones in schools and praises businesses focused on real life connection.
  • “I say we're never going to get rid of these little computers in our pockets... But if we can disassociate for a period of time and do some normal things… I think that's a step in the right direction.” (55:36)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Tanning Bed Subscription Drama:

  “Add that to your shitty credit score, Bryan. I guess I’m in the three hundreds now.” – Bryan Green (06:38)

• On Tan Addicts:

  “How much does the Donald Trump package cost?” – Bryan Green (16:57)
  “I just stare at the bulbs.” – Bryan Green, on preventing raccoon eyes (17:37)

• On The X Factor in Dating:

  “If you took five minutes to get to know them, there may be something… you just can’t describe.” – Bryan Green (50:46)

• On Dog Ownership:

  “She’s wiping her ass on my shirt... Now it’s personal.” – Bryan Green (37:11)

• Overarching Theme:

  “Looks fade, dick’s trivel.” – Bryan Green (51:09)
  “This is a PSA: put down your phone. Stop listening to the commercial—" – Bryan Green (56:36, in a tongue-in-cheek break the fourth wall moment)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:06 – Bryan introduces the 555 Rule
• 05:00–11:00 – Tanning bed billing fiasco story
• 14:55–17:10 – Encounter with a serial tanner; tanning addiction
• 18:16–21:05 – Tanning bed new bulb mishap
• 23:13–34:08 – Home life: pool shed, hornet nest escapade
• 34:08–39:01 – Blue the Yorkie’s bathroom disasters
• 40:25–41:11 – Introduction of “666 Rule” in dating
• 41:36–47:52 – Dating app culture and personal experiences
• 51:43–53:13 – Matchmaking events and surface-level app fatigue
• 53:13–56:41 – Digital detox and the hope for human reconnection

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Episode Tone, Style & Final Thoughts

True to The Commercial Break’s reputation, the episode is a wild blend of comedic self-roasting, absurd slice-of-life tales, and moments of unexpectedly genuine cultural critique. Bryan and Krissy’s enduring friendship and easy, sometimes gleefully unstructured banter anchor the episode, making even topics like dog diarrhea and credit score woes feel like communal in-jokes. Despite the episode’s apparent chaos, the “real” message sneaks through—a plea for kindness, deeper connection, and a break from the relentless superficiality of modern life.

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Best to you, and best to you out there in the podcast universe!

Transcript

[Brian Green]

Cause I get a thousand hugs from.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

10,000 lightning bugs as they try to.

[Brian Green]

Teach me how to dance. A fox drop above my head, A sock hop beneath my beard A disco ball is just hanging by a thread I like to make myself a. On this episode of the commercial break, I'm in the 555. I'm 5ish something foot tall. I have 5 extra pounds on each love handle and I have a 500 credit score. So if you're looking for. So if you're looking for that, dial me up, you know my number. You got me. Astrid's looking for 555. She might be looking for 554 pretty soon, but anyway, you get it for my tanning bed credit incident. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co host of this incredibly mediocre podcast, Chris Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Best to you, Brian.

[Brian Green]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. What another lovely day here in the studio we're having here. I don't know because it's all blackout curtains, but I imagine it's a beautiful day out there. It is.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

It's beautiful out there.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Tell me all about it, Chrissy. Break me free from my shackles. From the shackles that chain me to this dumb podcast all the time.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

The sun is shining. The weather's cooler a little bit.

[Brian Green]

Oh, it sounds so nice. It sounds so delicious.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Oh, unfortunately, I'm sneezing like crazy because.

[Brian Green]

Of the raglan to have a taste of sun on my face. This is all manufactured action, son.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I was going to say you look tan.

[Brian Green]

So I go to the tanning bed cuz you know, I want to look good. I do it. I know everybody knows it. Who doesn't know I staying on this show 24 hours a day. Every third day I'm going to go to the tanning bed. I don't go that often, but like when I'm, if I'm going on vacation or an event, you know, just like you getting your hair done or your makeup done or whatever, it makes me feel a little better. Puts a pep in my step. For reasons that at this point will go undisclosed, you know, I'm not. I need a little boost. A little vitamin D boost. Yeah, a little juz. So I go into, I, I stopped going to the tanning bed the very beginning of this year. And then I went in one time in like I Think it was February. I went in one. So I stopped going January 1st. And then in February I decided I'm gonna go do one little spritz up because it's the middle of winter and I'm feeling a little shitty. I got those, you know, what is that called? The mad disease or the sad disease?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Sad, yeah.

[Brian Green]

Seasonal affective disorder. Yes, I got that sad. It probably has to do with, you know, incredible weight of debt on my shoulders from this dumb show. But I decided I'm gonna go in February. And when I go, there's like, this is a multiple tanning bed type of situation. It's a franchise, but they're all connected. So you can go to anyone, you know, I think in the state. You can go to anyone in the state, maybe anywhere in the country. I don't know. I, I don't go, I don't go tanning outside of my own state.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

That's good to know.

[Brian Green]

Unless I live in Switzerland with Astrid and I swear to God I was trying to find a tanning and they had one with one tanning bed, a stand up from like 1982. No one in Switzerland goes to the tanning. No, because they're too healthy to do that. They're too smart to do that kind of stuff. So I go in February and, you know, it's mostly young ladies that are running the tanning beds. You know, early 20s, sometimes teenagers, if you're there on the weekend or in the evenings.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

That was one of my first jobs was the tanning. Oh, was it back in the day.

[Brian Green]

Did you have a lot of guys that came in?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

You have a lot of the guys hit on you when you went in there all the time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't, because, you know, I'm married and, and I'm old, so I'm not, I, I try to stay age appropriate.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

I've married. The youngest I'm going to marry, you know, saying like, I'm not going to go any younger. And as I get older, so does my line, it gets older. So. So I go in there, there's a young girl, tan as she can be. I mean, just tan as she could be.

[Christina (Producer)]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

When you work there.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And you got dark, dark brown and she's probably 20, if that. And I go in there and she says, oh, well, I see you canceled your membership to the thing or you canceled your package or whatever it was with the 50 tan for whatever and. But today only, you know, they're always trying to sell you something. A new bottle of lotion. I have 30 different sun tanning lotions under my vanity that I never even think about. Australian. That's right, I remember Australian. Gold Blue Coast. I got all of them. I got all of them. They all work the same. They don't. Okay, I just moisturize.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Why you fry.

[Brian Green]

That's right. What's the point? Fry dry, that's what I say, fry dry. Bry walking in the door, I say, hey Brian, you forgot to put on your lotion. And I go, don't worry about it, fry dry, Bry. So I go in and she's trying to pitch me on this whole package deal subscription thing they have going on. And I say, no, thanks anyway, I really appreciate it. And she goes, okay, well today's, you know, okay, well if you change your mind, let me know. And I said okay. And she goes, okay, sign this. You know, for this tan you're going to get today.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

The waiver.

[Brian Green]

The waiver.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

We're not responsible.

[Brian Green]

We're not responsible for your death. And then in every room they have these big warning signs. It says tanning has been known to cause skin cancer, death, eyeballs falling out, bleeding penis. We're not responsible. Herpes, you know, and who knows who's laying in those things before you are. Anyway, so I say, okay, I sign, no problems, I go in, do it, blah blah blah. So then I'm thinking, oh, you know, we're going to Florida. And then the family's taking a trip I should like, I, I haven't been out in the sun in a while because I'm tied to this stupid show. And so I say, let me go in and I'll, I'll go sign up for a little package. I'll get whatever, 10 tans over the next three months or whatever it is. So I go in to a loc, the separate location that I've been in February, and the girl goes, oh, well, you have a balance of 567.80. I was like, what? Huh? What are you talking about? Well, bam, you owe Bob's Tanning Salons. Add that to your shitty credit score, Brian. I guess I'm in the three hundreds now. So I go, what? What are you talking about? I don't owe any money here. I, I did last time I was here is February.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

They also, I don't know, I don't remember doing credit at the sanding salon.

[Brian Green]

Well, I don't know, I mean, listen, they're all automated using other systems to do these systems. They're all subscription based service. Everything is Subscription based. They can ding your card once a month. That's what they want to do. So she says, no, you had a, you had like a subscription. And then we tried to charge in March, and then we tried to charge again in April, and then we tried to charge again in May. And I go, for a subscription. I didn't order a subscription. And she goes, well, it shows here that you did and you signed for it. And I was like, what? And she goes, yeah. And she swings the computer around. It's my signature on the fucking piece of paper. And I'm like, you got to be goddamn kidding me. So now I'm huffed and puffed because I know what happened. That girl had the whole package up and then she just had me. She full heartedly sign for it at that point, saying that they were going to charge my credit card the next month for this subscription service. And I was so miffed. So she gives me the phone number to this particular manager. She gives me like her cell phone number. I was like, great security around here. And she goes, give whatever a call. And I was like, oh, okay, I. I know that I give Tina. Yeah, give Tina Tanner. Tweet. Give. Give the triple T a call. And they say, I know for a fact that I canceled my membership. And at least I think I did. I'm getting old, so I think I remember this correctly. So I call as I'm leaving, no answer. And I'm so miffed throughout the night, I'm like, I'm going to tear into this because she's trying to fool me, trying to scam me, trying to piss me off. What does she think? She looks at me like I'm a senior citizen. I'll get this senior citizen. Get this guy so rich he won't even know the difference, right? And I was like, well, luckily used it. Credit card that no longer has any credit on it. She actually char. Well, the card that I charged had expired in, in that month. So she. They weren't going to ding that credit card anyway. So anyway, so I go, okay, all right, all right, all right, all right. A couple days go by and then I remember I got to call this person and I go, okay, Brian, simmer down. You saw this girl, she's 20 years old, she's tan as a pan, and she's got that, you know, I'm 20 years old. Tan is a bad attitude. You come in hot, you're just going to be an old bitchy dude, old fucking miserable white man that's ruining her day. I'm doing the exact thing that us and Scott Cease discussed when we interviewed him. I'm going in and I'm ruining somebody's day because they have pissed me off. Right. Or because I feel like I have power over them. I said, come in with the Brian look. Sweet as honey, lovely as can be. And I go, hey, listen, Tina, Name's Brian Green. You probably don't remember me. And she goes, it's your birthday, 9:2. And I go, how'd you know that? And she goes, it comes up in our system. And I was like, okay, all right, listen, nine two this. Nine two.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Thanks for the birthday wish, by the way.

[Brian Green]

Happy birthday. You ding my credit. Luckily, you're the person I owe the least amount of money to. And I go, hey, Tina, I don't know if it's you or I don't know if it's me, but there was some kind of miscommunication that happened on this last time in February, that I went. I realized it's six months ago. It's hard to remember. And I realized that everybody makes a mistake. And I'm not saying it's your fault. Maybe it's my fault. I don't want to point fingers. I just want to get to the bottom of it so I can fucking tan. Because just like McDonald's, you're the only fucking place to go within seventy hundred miles for a tan that I trust, you know, it's not like, right in the back of somebody's house, Dale's house.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Remember when people used to have tanning beds in their house? Probably people still do.

[Brian Green]

When I got this notification about this money that I owed, I started Googling around tanning places. And I'm telling you what, there are pictures on Google of people who are running tanning beds you can pay for, literally, in their, like, basement. And I'm like, the. I'm gonna do that. It is Tina Tan and chewy. That's what it is.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

It's literally a place where, like, unlicensed beauty services and tanning.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

And dental work.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, and dental work, apparently here in Atlanta is a hotbed for horse teeth. They take them out of horses, and when horses die here in Atlanta, people rush to their mouth, take out the teeth, and then insert them because they're veneer text, whatever that means. A dentist. That's who you go to if they're gonna shave down your teeth. The only ones you get in life, and they're gonna shave them down. And you trust. I don't know, you can't go cheap on some dude Just like Jamiroqua to put new horse teeth in your mouth. The are you thinking? Anyway, so I, I, I have this conversation and at the end she goes, I go through this whole thing and she goes, well, I want to thank you for not being a miserable dick on this phone call. And I go, oh, I didn't know it because of the, like that 20 year old accent, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, valley girl accent. I didn't know if she was like being facetious or not. And she goes, because most people would have called up and just wanted to ruin my day, but you happen to be nice about it, so I'm gonna wipe clean the 500. And I go, oh, thank you. Thinking in my head, you are the one who did it in the first place. But I just said, okay, you're welcome. I just wanted you to know I didn't want to come in hot and ruin your day like you said. I just wanted to get to the bottom of it and see if there was a solution so that I may come to your tanning bed again. Because if you're asking me for $576.80 right now, you're going to have to put me on a $2 a month payment plan. It's not going to work out. Ever heard of the commercial break? No. Nobody else has either. Yeah, so, so anyway, so you know, I'll get straightened out. She says, come see me on Friday. You have to sign a piece of paper and we'll wipe the slate clean. I'll even give you a discount on your Very nice, lovely, lovely. So I go in, I see her, I sign, niceties are exchanged, I go in. So today I go in, this morning, I'm near one of these locations, one I haven't been to. And so I go into it, right? I go into this room, this facility, nice young girl standing behind the counter. What's your name? Mr. Green. You know, can you help me out here? I have one of those packages or whatever. And she goes, okay, 92. Yes. Okay, that's very unbelievable. Well, it says here that you owe $576. And I go, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, we already went through this with Tina over at Tina Tan and tweets if you could give her a call. So she did and everything got straightened out. And while I'm standing there with, during this seven minute and a half minute phone call where they're, I don't know, talking about the neck, latest tick tock trend, and they're occasionally Addressing the situation at hand. In walks another dude. Like when you're in a tanning bed and you see another dude, you don't look him in the eye. You just. Huh, me too. Me too. This guy's young. He's young. He's like, I don't know, 25, 26 years old is my guess. You know, does. He's not. Doesn't look particularly muscly, like, you know, I think guys who work on themselves, you know, they like to have the tan so you could actually see the six pack. I like to have the tan on my face to avoid you looking at my 12 pack. Yeah, my 30 pack. And so. So I. But then I can't help but note, I kind of look up and I go, oh, yeah, you are tan dude. Like super tan. And you could tell he's got that fairish skin. Even though he's tan, he's got fair skin. You can see it. This dude's been tanning, Tanning. And I. I've heard of people that are addicted to tanning, like, go every day kind of tanning, but I don't think. And I know I've seen women, I think, who are addicted to tanning. I've seen bodybuilders who paint themselves a certain color because that apparently is the thing to do in your bodybuild. But I don't think I've ever seen like a young dude, like, tanning addict kind of thing. So then he goes up to the counter, she gets off the phone, she goes, let me help him, and I'll have you in a minute. And I'm like, okay, oh, yeah, fine, whatever. Yeah, because my. My time is less important. And she types in his name. And I'm standing there at the desk, and then she goes, oh, you're like six hours early. And he goes, six hours early. You can only tan once every 24 hours.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Green]

By state law. By state law, you can only tan once every 24 hours. And he's six hours early. And he's like, it's bullshit. The normal manager lets me take the, you know, I can come in anytime I want to. She lets do it. And she's like, well, I don't know what that girl's doing. But she like, it's state law. She can't, you know, do this.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like, fry your insides.

[Brian Green]

I know, I wanted to pull the guy.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Your skin, but your insides.

[Brian Green]

I wanted to pull the guy aside and I wanted to say tan man to tan man, slow it down a little Bit tan, tan to tan tan. I wanted tan tan man to tan, tan man. I wanted to tell you once every seven or ten days, you'll be okay. You get a good base coat. Right now looks completely unnatural. You look like these curtains. Honestly, you look a weird color of brown. It's not normal. You're going to get leathery, bro. And when you get leathery, you're going to be like, you know those guys?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Too late.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Like Captain Steve I take down in Florida, whose neck is literally a piece of leather. Frank.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Frankie B. Frankie B.

[Brian Green]

That's right. So I told. I. I wanted to say that. So he. He huffs out. Literally was pissed off. He huffs out. That's bizarre. I didn't know the state law about every 25. Oh, yeah. It's been there for years. It's one of the first things we learn, you know, you got. The clock resets itself every 24 hours. You can't go more than. She goes. Because if you let some people, they would come in here, like, three times a day. And I go, no, that's not true. And she goes, we actually have people who work here who do it like, three times.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Really?

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, three times a day?

[Christina (Producer)]

Day.

[Brian Green]

And she's like, you're not supposed to, but sometimes it happens. And I'm like, that's fucking insane. How do you get on that plan? How much does that package cost?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

590.

[Brian Green]

How much does the Donald Trump package cost? That's what I thought to myself. How much does the detail. There he is right there. I see him on the tv. Look at him. Yeah, he's. But he spray tans, I think.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I think so.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

It's a makeup thing.

[Brian Green]

You'd think that after all of these years, djt, right, would actually stop doing the raccoon thing. Like, can't someone get in there with a little makeup? You know?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I agree.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Like, you know, they give you glasses when you go to the. They do those little, tiny, little, tiny little ones. But even the tiny little ones will make little raccoon eyes. So I go in there and I just stare at the bulbs.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Perfect.

[Brian Green]

I just stare at the bulbs. So the girl goes, what do you want? And I go, give me the Elite gold sunbed or whatever it is. The level, the space.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

You don't want to go to the base.

[Brian Green]

You don't want to go. You don't want to go, like, stand up, number seven. You want to go, like, you know, lay down number 200.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Get the good one.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you want to get the kind that only indirectly burns your skin. That's right. Not directly, but indirectly it gets deeper into your skin. So I say, give me that. You know, that elite one, the kind with the woody, fans of the Bluetooth audio and you know, the face tan. She goes, oh, okay, that one's available. But let me tell you, they put new bulbs in it.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Oh, the new bulbs yesterday.

[Brian Green]

And I know, I hate the new bulb thing because you never know. And for those of you that don't know when they put new bulbs in, apparently they burn hotter when they're new and less hot or they burn brighter or whatever. It's like the sun, eventually it kind of putters itself out. And so I said, okay, listen. She goes. And I go, how much time do you think? Like, what's your guess? And I'm asking a 19 year old girl what she thinks about my personal health condition. Right? Right. How much crack do you think I should smoke tonight? How many children do you think I should have?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

How about that interest rate cut?

[Brian Green]

You want to write me a prescription?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Should I refinance?

[Brian Green]

Yes. Do you want to write me a prescription? Whatever you think, doc. So.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

But I do the same thing too with different people that you go to for specialty things, like my nail person. I'll be like, whatever you think.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you're the expert. Exactly. But they're the experts. And I assume that the girls who work there know much more about tanning than I do. They probably go to some kind of class, I imagine. I don't know. You don't think so? No. They don't give you. What about like the big chain people like you don't think they like, say a few words to them.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

There's probably some kind of handbook or also like a shadowing day maybe. I mean, I don't remember much.

[Brian Green]

I just assume they learned by osmosis and literal osmosis into their skin. Right. How to do it. So she says, listen, here's what I think. She goes, we won't allow you at this point to go more than seven minutes. Max is always 11. Right. She goes, we won't allow you to go more than seven minutes because they're just, they just burn too hot. She goes, but personally, like for your type of skin, old man skin, I would do five. Right. And I go, give me the seven. I can't give you the.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

What do you think? Five?

[Brian Green]

No, seven. Yeah. No, I don't believe you. I don't trust you. Right. So I said, give me the seven. I can get out if I'm feeling a little rusty. You know, if I feel a little crusty, in fact, I go, oh, no. I said, I'm feeling a little crispy. She gave me this look. Like, we don't like that language in here. You know what I saying? We don't like the word crispy.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

If I can. If I can smell my skin burning more than normal.

[Brian Green]

Yes. That's how I do it. If I smell my skin burning, then I'm. I'm done. Yeah, I'm done. We've all been to the beach, and you smell your skin burning, and you're like, that's it. I'm done. So I go in there and I'm like, this girl don't know what she's talking about. Seven minutes. I swear to God, Chrissy. Minute number three and a half. I was like, this is intense. Oh, yeah, this is intense. I bailed at four and a half minutes. I'm like, okay. She was right. And I told her so when I was leaving, I was like, okay, you were right. I'll listen to you next time. All right, well, listen, I guess enough about my personal. My personal problems.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

You look very tan.

[Brian Green]

Thank you.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Very good.

[Brian Green]

I appreciate it.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I noticed it right when I saw you.

[Brian Green]

It'll fade tomorrow. Tomorrow. It'll be a nice clear. It'll be a clear coat. Clear coat. Nice translucent brown. So I do do brown tomorrow. That's what it'll be.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Perfect.

[Brian Green]

All right, we'll be back. I'll talk about blues, diarrhea. Everyone's looking forward to it.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I can't wait. What a day.

[Brian Green]

We'll take a break.

[Christina (Producer)]

I know you're just dying to say, I went to the bone Orlando on September 25th to see an extremely mid podcast, and I had a pretty okay time. Well, we're creeping up on that time, so get your tickets at the link in our show notes and make those dreams come true. And I promise we are actually working hard to provide a more than mid show. We're also going to be at Dania beach improv on September 24th, so come see us there, too. Now, I would be remiss if I didn't take this time to ask you to follow us on Instagram hecommercial break. I know you're not tired of hearing this and on TikTok CBpodcast. And to let you know that all of our audio and video can be found on our website, tcbpodcast.com not on social media. Text us instead at 212-4333, TCB while you're contemplating what hilarious meme to send us. Let's listen to our sponsors and get back to the show.

[Brian Green]

All right. So blue my dog.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

At this point, anything is content.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, anything is content. At this point, anything. So blue. So blue my dog. I think the listeners wanted.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I think they deserve to know about the dog's foul.

[Brian Green]

It's the first thing I thought about as I'm cleaning up her. I'm like, this is gonna be fun for the commercial. I think about you guys. That's what I think about all day long. My wife, nah, she comes in like third. My kids, they're like fifth. What do I think about Tanning bed?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Pool.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, tanning bed in my pool. Oh, let me tell about my pool first. So, Astrid. So we have this pool house that Astrid's dad built with his hands. I mean, with his hands. He built it by himself. I will add.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I remember when he was building it.

[Brian Green]

Yes. It's got four walls and a roof like a slanted roof. Rain falls off it and it's still been.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

And it stayed erect.

[Brian Green]

It's still there. Yeah, it stayed erect. Unlike me, Ed. I haven't. Oh, my God. That's too funny, Ed. I have it. If you got a softy in your brain, you're gonna have a softy in your pants. You know what I'm saying? All right, so. So Daniel comes and we have this pool equipment that sits like on the side of this cement patio that we have around the pool. And I never. It just has like this weird fence around it. And it's a lot of pool equipment. And I never liked that. It was just sitting out in the middle of the yard. And also there's a lot of stuff that goes along with a pool. And the house in general doesn't have a ton of storage like I'm sure a lot of people are used to. And Daniel, every time he comes, starts collecting new tools, like from the neighbors, from a trash can, from some lady that died. Like, he collects all these tools. And so now I have like a tool, a workshop, bench, table saw. All these things that I have never used and they will never use, right? But they're there for Daniel because that's his thing and he likes it. And he's man, is he good at it. And he knows that his son in law may be a good man, but he is completely useless. He may be good to my grandchildren and may be okay for my daughter, but he's completely inept. And I am. I give it to him. I am. He built this studio, he knows multiple studios and weaknesses. My strengths. I can't think of one right now, but I'll get back to you. My weakness is tanning tools.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Negotiating.

[Brian Green]

Negotiating real estate, negotiating packages at the tanning bed. Turning things on and off, changing diapers, taking care of animals. There's a list of weaknesses that I have. Killing house plants. You know, I. Listen, I. I'm not. Anyway, so he built this thing, and it's amazeballs. It's just like. It's beautiful. It works perfectly, and it's a storage for a lot of stuff that we otherwise can't house. Mainly the stuff where men would. Men would use manly things. Manly things. Like, I call that the testosterone. Testosterone house. And so I go in there and, you know, to take care of the pool filter and stuff like that.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

You just look around at everything and that's right.

[Brian Green]

I stare at it and I go, yeah, that's a.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

That's badly.

[Brian Green]

That must be a wrench. Yes, That's a socket set. Hey, Brian. Those are nails. Yes. That you would use a socket set for. Or a hammer. Hey, Brian. So I go back. So Astrid's back there the other day, and we're doing the pool shut down. We're deflating all of the toys, putting everything in its place.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Oh, you're. You're closing it?

[Brian Green]

Closing the pool? Yeah.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Because, I mean, right after you just did all the work on it.

[Brian Green]

Well, I actually closed it before we did all the work. This all happened. This is just so it can make it through the winter. I spent $700 so far thinking about.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Wanting to come and take a dip now that it's all.

[Brian Green]

You don't want to take a dip? It's fresh is the word. It's 72 degrees, man. Fresh, man.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

This corner, my little play friend.

[Brian Green]

Oh, that squirrel.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

We've got to put it up. Brian showed it to me.

[Brian Green]

I actually took a video of the squirrel taking a bath.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Hilarious.

[Brian Green]

I'll put it up. I'll put it up on Instagram. So. So Astrid's back there doing this the other day, and I'm laying in bed because I have a bulge disc. I have a blown disc.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Astrid's out in the shed.

[Brian Green]

Astrid's out in the shed. Aster goes to the shed more than Brian does.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

It might be just to get away for a moment.

[Brian Green]

Couldn't you blame her?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

No.

[Brian Green]

Can you hardly blame the lady? I mean, can you imagine being married to this? You guys only need to. You guys only dealed in an hour a day, and that's her Break. So she says, honey. She comes back in a couple hours later. She says, honey, I one thing. Astrid will not do bugs. She will not do bugs, and she will not do burglars. If there's something. If she won't do bugs. Emergency bugs, blood and burglars, Astrid won't do. So I'm okay with all of those things. I got it.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

So she says, listen, there's your strength.

[Brian Green]

There's my strength. Blood and burglars. Great. That comes in handy twice a year.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I'm trying to stay positive.

[Brian Green]

Hey, listen, me too, you know, off myself anytime soon. She says, there are two. The thing about the. The shed is we were supposed to get doors for it, but we just kind of kept it open because it's easier just to kind of go in and out. It's not climate controlled, so why have doors? And we already have a big fence around the yard. No one's getting in. So she goes, there's two huge hornets nests hanging from the ceiling, hanging from the rafters. And I was like, oh. And I've been going in and out of there all summer, sometimes once, twice a day. And I never even noticed. I was like. But what I did notice is at the end of the summer, when I was swimming with the kids, there were like, a lot of hornets that were coming to get water. They were like, a lot of hornets, everybody. No wonder I'm putting so much water in there. Every animal in town is coming to my pool to drink my unchlorinated water. Like, this is the freshest water I've had all week. It's less chlorinated than the water you drink out of your faucet. So I go, oh, okay, all right, I'll go take a look. So I go there and she. And no, these hornets nests are a. Buzzing with hornets.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Really?

[Brian Green]

Hundreds of them. Really?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I just found a small one out at our yard.

[Brian Green]

And these are about like a handful. Like B cup, I would say BC cup.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Frost.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, frost size. That's how I know. I go, yep, BC cup and a nice big handful. And I go, oh, yeah. Wow. Those things are buzzing. You can hear them. They're. And I'm like, oh, okay. I go to Home depot. I asked 12 people. Hornets. Wasps.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Wasps, yeah.

[Brian Green]

So I asked 10 people, you know, where the. Do I find the insecticides? And then I find them. And then I find two dual can. Like, buy one, get one free hornet. Spray the spray. Spray up to 40ft. You spray it and then. And then stay away. Right? Spray and get away. That's Basically what it says.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So spray it as long as you can, 15 to 30 seconds. And then run as long as it.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Takes before the hornets are coming towards you.

[Brian Green]

Exactly. And then it says it'll kill the the nest within 24 hours. So I get these two cans, I come back to the house.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Look at you gentrifying those sheds.

[Brian Green]

I know wasps out of there.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I gotta clean up this neighbor.

[Brian Green]

I hate those white Anglo Saxons. Gotta clean up this neighborhood. Too Christian conservative for my taste. So I go. And then I'm like eyeing them, these two open doors. You can't get a good angle with the spray. I already know this for a fact. I'm not going to get a good angle with the spray from the doors. I'm gonna have to be inside this thing in order to picturing.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, you've got to get in there.

[Brian Green]

I got to get in there. They're like in the middle of the actual. And they're like right next to each other. Rafter and rafter. They're like right next to each other. And I say to myself, well, shit, Brian, you're not going to be able to do this on your own. So what does Brian do? Brian finds a construction mask from Daniel. A pair of construction gloves.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Good thinking.

[Brian Green]

Okay.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

You needed like a net.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I know. I wish I had one of those like beekeeper suits, but I didn't. So I go in there, dual loaded. I'm shaking him up like this, dual loaded, my mask on and I go. And I stand right under my crouch down and I go. And the stuff just hits the nest and then comes splashing back on me. I didn't think about that. It's not like a goo. It's like a very viscous substance. It just starts raining down on me. And I'm like, ah. It's burning my eyes. I'm like, ah.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I was wondering if you had goggles on.

[Brian Green]

No, I had my glasses, but it wasn't, it wasn't helping. So I'm like, oh, shit, Brian. Oh shit. Abort mission abortion now.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

You're covered with poison.

[Brian Green]

And I sprayed him and I know I got him. And I'm like, you know, I know I got him. But I didn't get them for very long because it was coming back down on me. And so then I, I go and I run and I hide behind the shed. I'm like, okay, I don't see, I don't hear, you know, but now I start hearing like buzzing. They're all like going crazy.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Inside of the home just got destroyed.

[Brian Green]

And so I decide, okay, Brian, like, I'm in the military or something. I think to myself, What. What would MacGyver do here? Because that's the only man I could think of. What would MacGyver do here?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

What would Daniel do?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, what would Daniel do? He would swing around, and as he's passing the door, he would lean down in and he would go and just go. Go get a second spray. And that's what I did. I did, like, this military maneuver. And I was like. And I went up there, and then they started following me, I'm sure, out of the gate.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Oh, God.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God. They were, like, around my head, and I was freaking out. Chrissy, I'm the neighbor across the street. Must have thought I was having a seizure.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

An episode.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I was, like, screaming like a girl.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Our Aster to the kids.

[Brian Green]

Just, they didn't even know. I didn't want to get the. I didn't want the kids at all.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Interested in what was going on, because.

[Brian Green]

Then they want to come, and I can't explain to them that you're going to get bit and it's going to be. Be bad. And so I'm like, did you at.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Least alert Aster that you were doing this so that in case you didn't come back, you weren't having some kind of, you know, reaction to Sting?

[Brian Green]

No, I figured it'd be a blessing in disguise if I just got stung so badly and swole up and fell in the pool, the green pool with the frogs and the squirrels. It just kind of fell to the bottom. She'd find me eventually, and I swear to God, I ran 100ft away from these things, and they were. They were, like, zipping around the front of the movie. It was a movie. They were pissed. Well, yeah, they were pissed. So I got to go back out there today and see what the situation is, because it says, After 24 hours, go investigate, and if you see any activity, do another one. Well, now I'll know to get a little further away. Like, I've got to find a different angle. Yeah, yeah. And I stupidly dropped the. Drop the can. Like, I threw them inside there. So now I got to go back inside to get that. Yeah, I do. They're probably sitting, lying in wait.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Like, he's got to come back for the cans.

[Brian Green]

All right. So I wake up this morning, and Astrid, who is normally the one. I mean, we both are very frustrated with the blue situation. And it's. Yeah, I think everyone else is getting frustrated with the blue situation. It's Hard not to be. It's. It's. It's water torture is what it is. It's just slowly. She just eats away at your sense of sanity, quite frankly. And because she's a Yorkie, she has never really been fully house trained or really house trained at all. We tried for years, but Yorkies are, first of all notorious for not being house trained because they can get away with it. If there's a big dog and he starts circling the living room to take.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

A shit, well, right.

[Brian Green]

You can see it, right? There's only so many places a big dog can, like, actually take a dump in your house. Little dogs, they can literally go under your bed, spin around, take a. And leave, and you won't find it for two days. Well, in Brian's case, you'll find it two seconds later, but you know what I'm saying.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So this dog. So we have pads in the house in specific areas where she needs to go. And so I told you the other day, we've noticed that she's pissing.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

She's not doing it 12, 13, 14, 15 times a day. She's doing it on the pads, but then she's doing it elsewhere too.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

She's peeing a lot. We think she has diabetes. We're gonna take her to go see the vet. So I wake up this morning and ask.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

That's where you need to buy a package is at the vet.

[Brian Green]

We have insurance.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

We have doggy insurance. Best investment we ever made. Especially with Nico, because Nico went to the hospital literally the first day we got him, and every other day after that. Nico.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Because Rip, Nico.

[Brian Green]

Rip, Nico. You. You. You were such a drama queen, but we loved you so much.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Every time that someone even got near you, you were like. You'd be like, oh, what's wrong? She was. He was so scared of everything. He was hurt. When you even thought about when you said the word hurt, he was hurt. But they never found anything wrong with him. He was just like. He just was. I don't know. He was scared. So I wake up this morning. You know, Astrid's up before me. We both wake up relatively early on school days, and she's usually up before me with a couple of the kids. And so I go into the kitchen, and she looks like she's in a foul mood. And I'm like, hey, you. You okay? And she gets the dog and everywhere. And I'm like, blue, everywhere. What is she doing? And she goes, I don't know. She got diarrhea or something. And I'm like, oh, God, that's terrible.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And so diary, I go. And I can. Then I can see near one of her pads. There's like a whole diarrhea problem going on. Like she on the pad and then she on the side of the pad and then she in front of the pad and then she. Whatever, right? So I go, okay, you know, I'll help clean up and whatever. I go out, Astrid's gone. I come back, I'm the only one at the house. And I'm like, oh, okay. Blue comes trotting, you know, I come in the door and Blue comes trotting over to make sure that she barks at me to get me all riled up. And I'm like, hey, Blue, what's going on? You know, how's that, how's that tummy doing anywhere in the house? And I look in the usual places. Nope, nope, nope, Nothing. And so I go back to my bedroom and then Blue has hopped on this little bed we have next to our bed for the kids in case they want to sleep at night in the room, right? And Blue is on the bed dragging her ass across the bed. And I am like you. But let me tell you this. What is on top of the bed? What have I just thrown on top of the bed? My fucking shirt. So Blue is wiping her ass on my shirt. This little shithead is ta. It's personal now. Now it's personal. She's like, fuck you and all your complaining, fancy shitty shirt. I'm like, you goddamn little rat. What is wrong with you? Oh my God, Chrissy, it got personal. Yeah, it got personal right there. And then, of course, you know, I gotta stick her in the sink and point her ass up in the air and spray her down. And I'm like, oh, I hate this. I hate it. I am going to get rid of diapers in this house. Oh yeah, And I'm still gonna be changing diapers in this house. Because the doctor, yeah, the doctor said, have you ever thought about doggy diapers? And I'm like, have you ever thought about coming over to my house and seeing seven seconds of the chaos that goes on over there and then asking me if I want yet another diaper to change? Doc, it must be nice. I called Chrissy today. Hey, you want to come over at X time to get started? And Chrissy goes, yeah, I just woke up. It's like 10:30 in the morning. Like I've been up since 5:05.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Must be nice.

[Brian Green]

Must be nice to have all children. Yes, I'll switch with you for one day.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I was like, you don't have long. Just like 10 years.

[Brian Green]

I don't have long. Yeah, just like 18 more years and everything will be fine. And the way it's going these days, those kids will be with me forever. Forever. All right, let's take a break. And I got. I got something I want to talk to you. I think you'll find it interesting.

[Christina (Producer)]

Coming at you live from my bedroom. It's your producer Christina, here to tell you to come to our live shows. We are going to be in Dania beach. At Dania Beach Improv. I think I said it right. On September 24th. And the funny Bone Orlando, henceforth known as the Bone on September 25th. It's coming up quick, so get your tickets ASAP. If you can't make it to our shows, don't worry. We still love and cherish the you. But we do request that you follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTokcbpodcast because social media is very hard. Got something to say? Text us or call us at 212-4333, TCB and leave us an unhinged voicemail because that is something I am personally a very big fan of and I can't wait to hear what you have to say. Check out our website, tcbpodcast.com because. Because there is a very glorious back catalog of audio and video that lives on our website. Just waiting for you to watch it. Now let's hear from our sponsors and we will get back to Brian and Chrissy chatting about who knows what.

[Brian Green]

Women are saying. Some women, some single women are now adhering to the 6, 6, 6 rule. Have you heard this?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I don't think that I have.

[Brian Green]

So I read this in a. Like a tray, like a, you know, one of the rags on online. One of the magazines online and one of the. One of the magazines. Yeah, Buzzfeed, exactly. That's probably where I did read it. You know, all the. All the new and current information that I get from aarp online.com. i saw that some women are now adhering to the 666 rule. That is six pack, six feet tall, six figures.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Oh, okay.

[Brian Green]

That. If you're not that, then don't bother.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. You're a scrub. Not interesting. You're a scrub. Don't get no love from me if you can't pay my bills. Who is that? Tlc. Tlc. And so there's a lot of push back on this, as you can understand. There's a lot of women that agree. There's a lot of men that agree that those men mainly have a six pack six feet tall.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

They've got.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, but there's a lot of pushback about this. Well there should be on the surface I will tell you that I think that this is rather shallow minded.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

I understand that in today's world you almost have to make an instant decision, like instant decision insta decision on what exactly you want to or don't want to date. Like if you're going to just look at someone on the surface and make a determination about whether or not you want to have a relationship with them, there is zero time. It seems like it appears at least I think there really is. But I don't think we think about it like that. To get to know somebody and if you take the time to get to know somebody, I think you would broaden your horizons. There are absolutely. If I look at the world I would say there's probably five, six percent of the men out there are six figures have six figure salaries. Six feet tall and have a six pack is a very small amount of men. But like my good friend Professor G likes to say, he says that increasingly the large.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Who's Professor G?

[Brian Green]

Professor Galloway. Do you know Professor Galloway is. Okay, look him up on Instagram. He says some things that maybe you find you may find controversial. But hear him out and I think he makes sense. He is also extraordinarily liberal, I will tell you that. But he has been talking about how loneliness of single men is a huge problem and has been a huge problem for a very long time and the chickens are now coming home to roost. And I agree with him on this one and his whole theory is or or it backed by not anecdotal evidence, scientific evidence, if you hear him out, is that a larger portion of women are increasingly looking for a smaller portion of men. They are making a quick determination about what it is they need in a partner and that is increasingly unattainable. So you have 10 women to every guy that is really out there in real life, a good guy who makes a ton of money, looks great and it's over six feet tall. Right. And so more and more men are feeling disillusioned, lonely and do not have any chance in hell of competing with these other men. And when you think about it, I believe that it's true. If you go on a dating app and you're a woman, a single woman, let's say Hoadley went on a dating app today, Hoadley within hours, would have 10, 20, 30 men that would have swiped on her or put them in their favorites or whatever and would already be communicating with her. Chrissy would probably have the pick of the litter, and she would pick the pick of the litter. And that's. I'm not saying that Chrissy's shallow. I'm saying that it's likely that would happen. Right.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Well, I don't know. I have.

[Brian Green]

I know you haven't been there, but I'm gonna guess that's what would happen in my own personal experiences and the people that I know, I believe this to be true, that if you are.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

A guy, let's say that the women have way more choices.

[Brian Green]

We have. It will have way more men that come toward them. And therefore, you have the pick. Right. You pick one that's 20, 30 men that did not get connected. Right. That move on to the next one that also did not get connected because that there's another woman that also has the pick of the litter, and that doesn't happen to be them. They don't look right. They don't have the right profile. They don't say the right things. They don't fit the right stereotypes. And so they become increasingly, increasingly disillusioned with romance and dating and females in general. They. They find themselves insulated and lonely because women only want the top 3%. I'm not saying all women, and then I'm not saying that all women are shallow. Probably most women are not shallow. I actually believe that most human beings are not shallow. And given the opportunity, they would pick substance over style. 9 times out of 10, is it fun and interesting to think about, you know, Christian Gray coming and swooping you up with a contract to live as a billionaire for the rest of your life and have orgasmic sex every time you want it? Yes. Is that a reality? Probably not in most circumstances. But I'm just telling you what I think is playing out time and time and time again, because we are being asked, forced, funneled into a situation where you make. You have to make a snap decision based on a picture and two lines of text. That's it. Right.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

And I think that goes both ways.

[Brian Green]

Of course it does. But I don't think that most guys like me would go on. Like myself would go on.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I would also say, too, like, I mean, even looking at the Frankie Bay.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Videos that he was doing about, you know, you need to be looking. I mean, it could go the reverse way, too, where the guys are just, like, only want a certain look and person.

[Brian Green]

You could. You could be absolutely right about that. But let me give you my own personal experiences on the app. Compared to. Let's just compare it to a couple of female friends that I had that were also on similar app, Tinder, right? They would have hundreds and hundreds of men communicating with them. And it got like overwhelming for them, right? They would just have to scroll through, find the finest guy that they saw with a semi human, you know, sentence in their thing, and they would say, okay, that guy. Let me go on a date with that guy. Because they can't possibly communicate with all of these human beings at the same time. I would swipe right for days and maybe one would be a match, or two would be a match or three would be a match. I think total the time that I was on Tinder, I maybe had seven matches, maybe, and I swiped on hundreds and hundreds of people. It was a game. You would do it at, you know, you do it at night. You just sit there and swipe right or swipe left. Right. And so that's the thing. So now this 666 rule kind of reinforces like this really shitty stereotype that, you know, all women are looking for this 666 thing, which I don't think is true at all. Yeah, I'm in the 5, 5, 5 category. I'm 5ish something foot tall. I have 5 extra pounds on each love handle and I have a 500 credit score. So if you're looking for. So if you're looking for that, dial me up. You know my number. You got me. Astrid's looking for 555. She might be looking for 554 pretty soon. But anyway, you get it for my tanning bed credit incident. Yeah.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Well, that's sad. I mean, I think it is sad. I think, again, I think it goes both ways of people being just looking for something on the surface to just, I guess, get the ne. The next interaction. I don't even know how it works now at this point. You know, I mean, I've been out of the dating pool for a while and so I don't know what it's devolved to. Yeah, I need to check in with Rachel.

[Brian Green]

I've read so much about this. Like, it's been years, nine years since I've been single. Almost 10 years since I've been single. Single. And when I was single, my preferred method of communication was a connection through a friend.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Exactly.

[Brian Green]

Someone that I met at a bar. A friend of a friend of a friend.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Someone I saw at a Party in real life because I stood a chance then why? Because I think that my award winning personality.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I don't know which award I've won, but I'd like to think I'm winning awards. Thank you, baby. I appreciate it. Because that is truly how you connect with someone on a level that's deeper than a picture. I'm not saying it doesn't go both ways. It absolutely does. Because if 10 women showed up in my profile today and I had to pick one or two to communicate with.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I would pick the ones that look the best. Why? Because that's what the app is built for.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

But now that's what all apps are built for. They're all built for that. It's a beauty contest.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Right. And. But I think it is a little. I think the experience is a little bit different from, from men, anecdotally, from my own like, network of human beings than it is for women. And you know, I think that leaves a lot of guys on the sidelines who almost never communicate with anybody. If you went to a party and saw five guys and one of them was like super fucking fantastically hot, and one of them was Brian Green, right? But you talked to all of them for a few seconds and you thought, oh, well, you know, that guy, that hunk, he. He didn't really have a personality.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I remember dating guys that were very good looking, but they had nothing, nothing that I was interested in when it came down to things.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, they were just like. And that's not all people who are beautiful. There's lots of people with substance that are fantastically good looking. Right. But I'm just saying, as a stereo, let's put a stereotypical spin on it. If you go into a room with five guys, hottest to not hot, and you five to one, and then you find that number one and two are not maybe like the most attractive people I've ever seen in my entire life. But I was really attracted to their personalities and the five brains that I had with them. Right. Or the 10 minutes that I communicated with them or they bought me a beer, they held the door, they, you know, whatever floats your boat, right? Whatever you're into, there's a, there's something that happens there that's more meaningful than just looking at a picture or looking at how tall they are or looking at their credit score. Because let's face it, like, not everybody gets the same lot in life. And we're not all born with the same. Not everyone can be Brian Green. Okay? That's it. That's all I gotta say. Not everyone's Hambone and Hoadley. There's lots of people out there who are just not Hambone and Ho. But I bet if it with some of those people, if you took five minutes to get to know them, there may be something like the X factor to something that you just can't describe that's there, that you really connected to, that you really feel attracted to. And in the long run, wouldn't that probably be a better situation? Looks fade. Dick's trivel 100.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

You're correct. Is this a PSA for the single ladies out there?

[Brian Green]

This is a PSA for the single ladies and the single men out there.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

It's like everyone that's single.

[Brian Green]

I think we're all learning something here. We're learning that maybe communication face to face on a human level that's more deep and a little bit more mature.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I think there is a backlash. I think there is a movement to go more towards. And the pandemic didn't help anything.

[Brian Green]

No.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

You know, with being isolated and cut off and just learning to live that way because you had to. But hopefully there is a backlash out there. A different change.

[Brian Green]

I see matchmakers coming back in style. Like match. Like personal matchmaker.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I love those shows too, on Netflix.

[Brian Green]

I know. You know, I went to school with the girl who owns seven. Is it seven at seven or five at five? Yeah, seven at seven. The five or five. There's two of them. And I can't remember which one she owns, but she owns it. And it's been an extraordinarily successful business. She's been on like Oprah or something. I don't know. And her name is Catherine. And she.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

And yeah, where the person meets both. Meets many people in person.

[Brian Green]

Seven women, seven men.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

To know them and go to dinner sides.

[Brian Green]

Nobody's matched up. Right. They have personal mastermaking services there too. Of course, you can go one on one dating, but it's like seven women, seven men. They meet for dinner and. Or seven men and seven men. Or seven women and seven women, depending on what your election is. And they meet for dinner and they hang out for the night and connections are naturally made. But everyone's single and everyone's willing to has an open mind about potentially dating or going or being in a relationship. That's a great fucking idea. It really is a great idea.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Get one of those together. A two at two and two. I don't know if I can handle seven people at the same time, but two on two I worked in a restaurant when. So I went to high school with this girl, Sarah Catherine Smith. And Sarah Catherine, then when I worked in the restaurant business, she started going around the restaurants when she started the business to see if she could do these events and so what. Two of the restaurants I worked at, you know, we were like, I was like, yeah, you know, whatever, let's do that. And they would come in all the time.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

We've got plenty of three day old bread we can give.

[Brian Green]

Hey, auntie, Classico for seven at seven. Get me seven stale breads. Get me seven stale breads in a can. Take Classico. Make it 14, actually. 14 of stale breads and two bottles of Chianti Classico. Amazing, Amazing. I hope that. I think there's back. Listen, now they're starting to like, did you hear what Instagram did? Here's what Instagram did. Listen to this. This will start rolling out in the next two months. If you're a parent of a child who has an Instagram account, or even if you're just a child and your parents don't know you have an Instagram account, if you're putting your real age in there, which I think there's lots of ways they have to verify this kind of stuff now through like, you know, birth records and all the stuff that's publicly made available. Instagram, which is owned by Facebook, is, will now not allow you to connect to certain people so far out of your circle. You can now not message and people cannot message you unless you're inside their circle. Your parents can now see your instant messages, who you're looking at and what you're doing. New parental controls, they have safety measures that they are now putting into place for children. You know, I think it's only, you're only supposed to be on there if you're 13 years old or older, something like that. But they're saying the children as young as 10 are using it. Probably younger than that. Right. But they're putting, they're putting these, voluntarily putting these controls in place for parents and for children to make the app safer. And I think it's a step. I don't think it's enough, but I think it's a step in the right direction. On behalf of Zuckerberg and his team over there at Suckbook and, and I applaud it. Right. It's a devil. But it's a devil we got to live with. And I applaud it. And I think that there is backlash about these types of communications and just how much the electronics in our life are controlling every bit of our life. I see that now that schools are banning phones, and I think that's a very wise idea. I see that people like Sarah Catherine Smith have extraordinarily successful businesses. They're getting bigger and bigger year by year, because people are probably getting sick of the fucking ass. Yeah.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I mean, imagine.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, there's a loneliness problem in America, and I don't just think it's males. I think the males cause more trouble out there in the world, but I think the females are probably feeling it just as much as the men.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, it's got to be hard out there.

[Brian Green]

I say. I say we're not. We're never going to get rid of these little computers in our pockets or the computers in our houses or the computers that sit on our walls called TVs. We're never getting rid of those things. They've made life way too easy, and we love them way too much. They're our entertainment. They're how we get through the day and get through life. But if we can dis. If we can disassociate for a period of time and do some normal things that were done back when our parents were kids or when even when we were kids to some degree, I think that's a step in the right direction toward choosing health and self awareness and self preservation rather than just continue to go down the rabbit hole. Because I think we're seeing that societal problems have really emerged. Big societal mental health problems, suicide of teens and. And. And people all around the world just because of these little devices and the apps that they have that make us all miserable, yet we continue to scroll on them day after day. I'm number one. So, you know, that's. This is a psa. Hey, put down your phone. Stop listening to the commercial. Yeah. We started this episode by saying, I never go outside.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Put on your. Put on your AirPods. Take us with you outside.

[Brian Green]

I'm gonna go outside. This is what.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

That's what I'm gonna do to go back to the chef.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah. I gotta go back to the shed and kill the rest of those damn hornets. Unbelievable. Ah, yes, yes, yes. Oh, look at that. The Teamsters will not endorse anybody in 2024. Okay, good for you.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Take it a stand.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Taking a stand by making no stand at all. Yeah, well, that's the right. You know, whatever. Okay, cool. My brother's a Teamster.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Is he? Oh, yeah, he is.

[Brian Green]

One of my brothers is a Teamster.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

That's right. He works in the biz.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, he works for Johnny Two Foot. Johnny Two Feet?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Are you talking about your brother that works in the film?

[Brian Green]

He works in the film industry. A lot of those guys are Teamsters. Yeah, he knows where Hoffa is buried.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Unlike Geraldine, though, or.

[Brian Green]

What was that, Geraldo? No, he knew where Capone's vault was. Yeah, my grandfather once said, sold my grandma one time. He knew where Hoffa was buried, but I think he was joking. Don't come knocking at my door. FBI. I don't think he was being serious. He went a little nutty there at the end. All right, 212-4333. TCB. That's 212-433-382. 2. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. We would love to hear hear from you. Please text us, please. Or leave us a voicemail. Either way, if you're going to be at the Dania Improv show on the 24th of the Orlando show on the 25th, let us know. We'd love to. Make sure we say hello to you. Tcbpodcast.com all the audio, all the video right there. One location. You can also send us an email or get your free brand new TCB stickers hot off the presses. I saw them today. They're in. There's two of them. So if you're nice enough in your email, Astrid or whoever else is. Oh, you haven't seen them? No, I thought you saw them. They were right there at the front door.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Oh, oh, okay.

[Brian Green]

I'll show them to you in the. During the break, get your free sticker by hitting the contact us button, drop down menu. I want my free sticker. Send us your address and then we'll send it off to you. Add the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on tik tok and YouTube.com this commercial break. All right. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Listen, a reminder. We pay our bills through the sponsors. If you hear something that you like, go there. Tell them TCB sent you. Use our specialized URLs or codes to get fantastic discounts and free. And we'll make another episode for you. All right, That's a deal. It's a deal. All right, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

And Brian can pay for Blue, his vet bill.

[Brian Green]

That's right. I love you.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Another day. I love you.

[Brian Green]

Best you. Best to you and best you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time. Chrissy. And I always say. We do say and we must say.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Good.

[Brian Green]

Goodby. Why are you so radical?