The Kids Are Not Alright

Summary

The Commercial Break — “The Kids Are Not Alright”

Podcast: The Commercial Break
Hosts: Bryan Green, Krissy Hoadley
Episode Date: May 2, 2024

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Episode Overview

In this uproarious episode, aptly titled “The Kids Are Not Alright,” Bryan recounts his chaotic, frazzled attempt to solo parent for just 15 hours while his wife Astrid is away. With Krissy as wingwoman, they riff through the unpredictable rollercoaster of modern parenting, the struggle to meet “mom standards,” and the everyday comedy found in domestic disasters. The signature TCB blend of unfiltered improv, self-deprecating stories, and sharp side commentary is in full force as Bryan’s trial-by-fire proves: it really does take a village, and sometimes the best you can do is just keep everyone alive.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Celebrity Tangents & Comedy Warm Up (00:24 - 06:54)

• The episode kicks off with Bryan and Krissy’s ongoing banter about celebrity oddities, starting with Keanu Reeves and Tom Cruise’s stunt-mad personas.

  • Bryan: “Tom is a very hyper human being... Jumping out of planes without safety gear.” (02:03)
  • Krissy: “He wants to do all his own stunts. That’s a part cyborg or something.” (02:38)

• Mini-analysis of Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis, and messy sitcom legacies.

  • Bryan: “At one point we were all like, oh, Ashton’s a pretty cool guy. Now I’m like, what a dumbass. That’s my personal opinion.” (05:02)

2. Animal Empathy & American Oddities (06:54 - 17:09)

• The duo lampoon recent news about Kristi Noem, South Dakota’s governor, for her shocking admission about killing a family dog.

  • Bryan: “She wrote it in a book that she executed her dog for being annoying… What a cracked pot.” (07:24)
  • Krissy: “That’s what psychopaths do.” (07:57)

• Segues into pet stories:

  • Krissy describes her animal-loving upbringing.
  • Bryan shares a wild memory about rescuing a bird contaminated at a beach.
    • Bryan: “This is coming from the guy who drove 50 miles to save a bird… The bird’s flapping all around and I’m like, I’m like, pushing it in there. It’s pecking me like, ah. Ah. Get in your cage.” (12:06)

• Empathy for animals but boundaries with “alien” species like possums:

  • Bryan: “I have a friend who’s got basically an animal hospital going on in their house... My goodwill stops at roaches and possums.” (15:36)

3. Bryan vs. Solo Parenting: A Crash Course (19:49 - 59:49)

Preparing for Parental Disaster (19:49 - 23:01)

• Astrid leaves ultra-detailed instructions for Bryan, doubting his solo skills.

  • Bryan (mimicking Astrid): “She’s like, you know, kids wake up at this time, breakfast here, do this. I’m playing so coy.” (20:07)
  • Bryan: “You don’t think I can take care of these kids? I helped make them!” (20:09)

• Bryan fantasizes about becoming “Dad of the Year”—before reality kicks in.

The Night Before: Sleep Loss & Early Chaos (23:01 - 29:42)

• The plan unravels early: the baby cries at 3:15am, setting off the whole house.

  • Bryan: “My alarm’s gonna go off at 4:15... The worst thing in the world is getting up five minutes before the alarm goes off.” (24:35)

• Bryan’s sleep-deprived attempts to distract himself with The West Wing.

The Morning Gauntlet: Feeding, Hair, and Wardrobe Fails (30:08 - 42:42)

• Children’s breakfast crisis: nobody wants dad’s chocolate chip pancakes.

  • Bryan: “When your kids know you’re a bad cook, it’s a bad day at the office.” (33:43)
  • Bryan: “What do you want? Pringles? Because I can make you Pringles. Is that what you want?” (33:54)

• The dreaded hair styling test: Bryan’s disastrous attempt at a ponytail.

  • Bryan: “Just put it in a ponytail is like telling me to build a quantum computer.” (35:24)
  • Bryan: “She wants a double cross braid. What the [bleep] is a double cross braid?” (35:29)
  • Bryan (detailing the result): “Now she’s got these random frizzy pieces of hair sticking everywhere. ‘Wow, that’s beautiful! We really did a good job.’” (36:34)

• Wardrobe choices verge on avant-garde.

  • Bryan: “My son wants to wear red Christmas socks pulled up above his knee... you look like a crazy Swedish person.” (41:14)

• The final product: children lined up for a photo for Mom, barely held together.

  • Bryan (on sending a photo to Astrid): “I’m gonna send it to Mommy right now... Nope, I was gonna press delete. Mommy’s the trash can.” (39:43-40:07)

School Drop-Off: Parent Panic & The Teachers’ Subtle Judgement (43:34 - 50:42)

• Bryan just manages to get all the kids to school—(almost) safely buckled up.

  • Bryan: “I have a pretty good batting average. 17 out of 18 isn’t bad, right?” (45:51)

• Teachers instantly know something’s amiss without Astrid.

  • Bryan (on teachers’ reactions): “‘Oh wow, everybody looks… Looks so nice.’ … ‘I noticed. I thought to myself, this is not the normal. Normally they look like human beings. Now they look like animals. Okay, it’s okay.’” (46:22-47:20)
  • Ponytail gets professionally redone before day’s end. (47:27)

The Afternoon Field Trip: Ballet, Gymnastics, and Losing a Child (50:43 - 55:00)

• Bryan struggles to manage ballet and gymnastics drop-offs simultaneously.

  • Krissy: “She has her alerted everyone.” (51:36)

• Nearly loses track of his son in a massive gym; panic ensues.

  • Bryan: “For just one minute, I have an absolute panic attack… I’m running around the gymnasium like a madman.” (54:51, 55:00)
  • Ultimately, son is found in the ladies’ restroom looking for his mom.

The Final Stretch: Survival is a Win (55:00 - 59:57)

• Bedtime logistics are beyond Bryan. Children and dad await Astrid’s triumphant return.

  • Bryan: “So we are literally all outside. Everyone’s dancing because they know Mommy’s coming home. Here comes mom in the Uber. She’s gonna save our life.” (58:05)

• Ultimate dad lesson: deep appreciation for all parents doing it solo, especially Astrid.

  • Bryan: “I have to admit my defeat... You’re still alive—that’s better than some people. That’s better than Biscuit, the dog from the South Dakota governor.” (58:36)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“Just put it in a ponytail is like telling me to build a quantum computer.”
– Bryan Green, on attempting his daughter’s hair (35:24)

“What do you want? Pringles? Because I can make you Pringles. Is that what you want?”
– Bryan Green, on breakfast negotiation (33:54)

“She wrote it in a book that she executed her dog for being annoying... What a crackpot.”
– Bryan Green, about Kristi Noem (07:24)

“I’ve dated a lot of girls with ponytails. I’m only good at taking them off, not putting them back in.”
– Bryan Green (36:34)

“Alive. That’s the thing I’m most proud [of].”
– Bryan Green, winning at parenting (43:51)

“I love her so much, but for such good reasons. She is the engine in this proverbial vehicle. She makes it go. And I don’t.”
– Bryan Green, newfound appreciation for Astrid (59:57)

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Key Episode Timestamps

• 00:24 — Celeb banter: Tom Cruise, Keanu Reeves, and showbiz stunts
• 06:54 — Stories: Animal empathy, strange governors, and bird rescues
• 19:49 — Astrid departs; Bryan’s parenting solo adventure begins
• 33:54 — Breakfast meltdown and Bryan’s culinary struggles
• 35:24 — The dreaded ponytail attempt
• 41:14 — Wardrobe disasters and “send a picture to Mom”
• 46:22 — School drop-off and teacher reactions
• 51:36 — Gymnastics/ballet chaos, the “ballet mom network,” and losing track of a kid
• 55:00 — Panic, reunion, and children’s longing for Mommy
• 58:05 — Astrid’s triumphant return and Bryan’s big lesson

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Tone & Closing Thoughts

Bryan’s storytelling is self-effacing, candid, and teetering between frazzled and farcical—a style Krissy supports with laughter and her own real-life asides. The episode is packed with classic TCB chaos but circles back to a genuine, heartfelt admission of parental awe and partnership.

“Big props to Astrid, to all the mothers and fathers and single parents out there... This story has probably resonated with you to the bone.”
(Bryan Green, 60:22)

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For listeners:
This episode encapsulates the mayhem, exhaustion, and comic catharsis of parenting’s toughest days—with enough heart and humor to connect with anyone who’s ever juggled chaos and just hoped to make it out alive.

Transcript

[Brian Green]

Somebody gonna ask me, why do I go out of my way to be petty? I said, first and foremost, it's not out of my way. Okay? It's directly on my route. Next question. On this episode of the commercial break. And they go, let's take a picture for mommy. And now Astrid's like, show me a picture, right? She's landed.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She's like, how things go?

[Brian Green]

She's not even landed. She's still on the plane. She's texting me, but she's like, let me see. How are things going? And I'm like, oh, everything's fine. Over. They're hungry. They haven't been fed. I'm pretty sure no one's peed or pooped today. I think I left their lunches out all night. I'm not sure they're still good. And take a look. Here they are. And she's like, oh, my God. That's her response. Oh, my God. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Yeah, boy. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green and this is the Keanu Reeves and my Tom Cruise. Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chrissy.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

See you, Brian.

[Brian Green]

Thanks to you out there in the podcast universe, you're my Keanu Reeves.

[Christina]

Ah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Do you think he got married?

[Brian Green]

He did, yeah. Good for him. What did you marry?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I can't remember her name, but. Well, they've been together.

[Brian Green]

You heard it here last.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Cheers to the happy couple.

[Brian Green]

Cheers. Yeah. Good for them. Gano's, you know, the hotter, sexier, cooler, much more talented version of my Tom Cruise. But Tom's got his own, you know, he's got his own thing going on.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, speaking of Tom Cruise, did you see that he went to Beckham, you know, the party? And I read this little account of him, and he apparently was going wild and doing splits.

[Brian Green]

Oh, really?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

On the dance floor?

[Brian Green]

He was. Yeah. That guy is out of control. He's just.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's a part cyborg or something. I mean, he doesn't seem to age or. And. Or have any fear.

[Brian Green]

He made it feel. He made deal with the Scientology devil.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's gotta be.

[Brian Green]

He's met Finu or Zanu or whatever the name that is, and he's paid millions of dollars to do so. And he rides on that boat, he hangs out with David Miscavige. And just even saying the name probably means we're not gonna be able to air this episode, but, you know, I mean, it's so litigious. But at the end of the day, like, Tom is a Very hyper human being. He, you know, jumps on couches. In that Oprah interview, He's lashing out at Matt Lauer. This is what happens when you don't take your psychiatric medication because you're acting like a. And you're 67. He's jumping out of planes without fucking safety gear.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He wants to do all his own stunts.

[Brian Green]

He's just. But you. There's some appreciation I have for the way that he lives his life.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I absolutely do.

[Brian Green]

He just don't give. He doesn't give. And he's rich and powerful enough to not give. And he backs it up by producing incredible movies. And he's like, so hands on with them. He knows what the public wants. Like he.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know. I didn't want to. I didn't want to like the. The second Top Gun, but I did.

[Brian Green]

I haven't even seen it, but it's, you know, it's great. Best movie ever, you know, and then.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The best movie ever, but it's a great movie.

[Brian Green]

Well, they saying, like Mission Impossible 84, whatever they're on, is the best action movie ever made. Really? That yet with a 67 year old dude? I mean, but yeah, because he's driving a real motorcycle over a real canyon and he does it all himself. Yeah, it's unbelievable. You know, Harrison Ford used to do all his own stunts, too, or most of his own stunts also in the Indiana Jones movies. But even he wised up. He's like, after he crashed that plane, he's like, I'm not doing this anymore. What the fuck am I doing? I'm breaking bones. I don't know. There's some small appreciation that I do have for Tom Cruise and the way that he lives his life. And he is like the Taylor Swift of movies. He's all hands. He's all in. He's hands on. He does it all himself. And he knows what the public wants. So what can you do there? Keanu Reeves is just kind of a dude. He's like the Dude. He's like the real version of the dude from the Big Lebowski. And he also, deservedly so, does a lot of his own stunts, but he also gets a lot of people to watch his movies, I think, because we all know deep down inside of our hearts that Keanu RE Reeves is like as close to the Buddha as we're ever going to get. I mean, he has a lot of guns, but, you know, he's. Besides all that, he's. He's like as close to the Buddha as we're going to get on it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Seems like it, doesn't he?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, he's like helping children and signing autographs and telling people they're cool.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Like, yeah, the nicest guy.

[Brian Green]

This is what you could have been Ashton Kutcher. You could have been had you not defended your co star there. You know, I was reading about.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, yeah, that's right.

[Brian Green]

They. They made that 70s show, which was a great show in the moment. I don't know if it's aged very well, probably because all the, all the drama we know about the people who actually made the show, but that 70s show was a great show when it was on. And then they did that 80s show. And who the ever watched that 80s show?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I don't know.

[Brian Green]

Now they have that 90s show, which is on Netflix. Yeah, apparently, you know, those two Mila Gunas and, And Ashton Kutcher showed up on a, on an episode or two to kind of like, you know, further the storyline. This, the people, the parents. Yeah, they're the parents now of the children who are on that 90s show, which makes sense. But I just don't think Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunez hold as much weight as they may have. At one point, I think there was that one point, we're all like, oh, Ashton's a pretty cool guy. Now I'm like, what a. What a. I mean, honestly, like, what a. What a dumbass. That's my personal opinion.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I forget too, that he was with Demi Moore for so long.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah, that's right.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know. You kind of forget about now.

[Brian Green]

I'm seeing these pictures with, like, Bruce Willis, his new wife, all his children, and Demi Moore all like Christmas morning wearing pajamas, hanging out. Yeah, well, that's the way you do it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, except he's got that bad disease now.

[Brian Green]

Well, yeah, but I mean, I say that's the way you do it. When I.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

What I mean is the blended family.

[Brian Green]

Like the blended family and when someone's in trouble, they all come together, regardless of how they feel about each other or what past they may have.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's.

[Brian Green]

That to me, is a beautiful thing. I, I like, I. I really do enjoy it. But what a scary thing for Bruce Wilson. I was. A number of people have been diagnosed with that.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know.

[Brian Green]

Early onset, super quick dementia. That's scary. That is scary. Put me out of my misery. That's all I gotta say. I mean, I'm not suggesting that anyone, you know, hurt anybody, but put me out of my misery. If that's what happens to me, send me off to Sweden put me in one of those.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You know, not just sweet.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Yeah. They have those tubes you put yourself in. You press a button and then there.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You go, and you disintegrate.

[Brian Green]

You just go. Yeah. You just float off into the night. And then put me in one of the. And then burn me and put me in a tree or whatever they're doing now. They grow a tree out of your body?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

They do.

[Brian Green]

It's crazy. Yeah. That's the way I want to go.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I heard it. I heard someone the other day and something I was listening to say they wanted to just be put into the ground. Like, just straight into the ground, just. And just disintegrated.

[Brian Green]

Like a dog. Like burying a dog in your backyard.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I never. I was never down with that. Yeah. I just read. This is an interesting segue. I actually have this story open, and I didn't intend to segue into this, but I'll segue into it. You know that Kristen, Kirsten. Whatever her name is. Noem. Christy Noem. The governor of South Dakota. Right, Right.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

What a crackpot. Anyway, let's get beyond her politics. And I'm reading a story that she executed her dog and a goat in front of a construction crew a number of years ago. She wrote it in a book that she executed her dog for being annoying and obnoxious and killing a few chickens on her farm. What? Executed the dog and then just buried. And then her kids were like, where's Cricket? Or whatever the dog's name. Where's Cricket? And she's like, I don't know. And the construction crew is probably like. Like, mouths wide open. Because she killed the dog. Just killed it. Because it got loose and killed the chicken.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Is it. That's what dogs do, psychopaths do.

[Brian Green]

I am pretty sure that's what psychopaths do. And, Brian, listen, if Blue is still alive, Cricket should still be alive. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I don't care how annoying your dog is. You've never met a dog as annoying as Blue, and she's still breathing. No, I have not executed her, and I do not intend to.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

How. How many years and days a week have I been coming here? I mean, in thousands and thousands. Not thousands of years, but thousands of days.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Have I walked in that door and it's the same dance every time.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you gotta. She jumps up on you. You gotta move to the left. Move. Shut up. So my youngest is walking and. And starting to talk.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes, he is.

[Brian Green]

So. And. And I'll share this Story in the next segment. But my. My wife goes out of town for a day. One day. That's it. Gone in the morning, comes back at night. That's just a 15 hour window.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

And I'm trying to get everybody out the door for school. And the dog is just like. Every time someone goes in or out of that door, it's a signal to that dog Blue to go apeshit, to go crazy. And it's like, dude, we're just leaving. We do this every day, four times a day. We're leaving the house. You're okay, everything's gonna be okay. But she is so wound up and she's so obnoxious that she will not stop barking. Like loudly, sharply. It kind of hurts your ears.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

And so we're all trying to get out of the door. Yes. Godly knows while trying to get out of the door. And my youngest walks up to the dog and she's got her shoe in her hand and she like starts swinging it at the dog. We don't hit the dog, but she's like swinging it, not to hit it, but like she's going like this. And she's going, no, no, Wyatt. Yeah, because that's what we all do. We're. That's crazy. If Blue is still alive, Cricket should still be alive. I can't believe this lady put it in a book. She's the governor of South Dakota. I mean, if that's one of those things you just kind of shut the up about. Right? Yeah, I understand there are circumstances upon which you have to put a dog down because they're dangerous. Now it says that she would. He was. The dog was killing chickens. Well, dogs are going to kill chickens. That's what dogs in the wild would do. They'd kill them and they'd eat them. So. But she says it was. The dog was only like 17 months old too. And it was untrainable. I mean, 17 months, you're not giving the dog a whole lot of time to live and try it out. But anyways, what a fucked up thing to do. And then she buries it in the backyard. I never. Back to the point I never understood burying a dog in the backyard. I don't even understand, like, it just doesn't make any sense to me why you would want a dead, rotting corpse in the backyard unless you had a farm where there's plenty of land. Right. And no one's ever gonna see the maggots crawling out of the earth. But like, isn't there some disease that can happen if you Just like, burying dead things in your backyard.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Seems like it.

[Brian Green]

Jeez, it seems so weird. Crazy.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We never did that.

[Brian Green]

Never did.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

My family didn't do that.

[Brian Green]

No, but you had a lot of dogs too.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We did. We had a lot of cats. Dogs, fish.

[Brian Green]

Your mom, like, opened up the house for that. Yes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She was an animal lover.

[Brian Green]

She was an animal lover. She's like, to take in pathetic little things. That was her thing. Did she, like, find cats on the side of the road and bring them home?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes. Oh, and dogs.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I could never live with a person like that. I lived with a lady. I lived with a girl for years, and she was like that. And I just had to put my foot down. I'm like, listen, we do not need to adopt every single stray animal that I. I wish I could, of course, but there at some point, it's not practically. You're not practically able to do that with every single creature that you see. This is coming from the guy who drove 50 miles to save a bird. And the bird was flying around the car. That's right. Scaring the out of Astrid. And I'm like, we gotta get there to save the bird. Astro's like, I'm pretty sure it's fine. It's flying around the car. That's right. I forgot about that. Oh, my God. Scared the out of us. We're swerving all over some Florida highway and the bird's like, close the windows. Bastard's like, it's fine, it's fine. Let it out. Open the windows. Open the windows. Not that Astrid didn't want to save it. She came on the ride with me, but I think she figured, okay, we saw it flap its wings. It'll be all right. Just let it go. But no, Brian had to drive to the bird sanctuary that was closed, by the way. It wasn't even open. But they had a box outside they wanted me to put the bird in. Well, the bird's flapping all around and I'm like. I'm, like, pushing it in there. It's like, pecking me like, ah. Ah. Get in your cage. Sorry to take you from your home on the beach and stuff you into some box. But you're gonna be fine now. Everything's gonna be good. A better life awaits. You just have to wait till Monday at 9am Monday, 9am Everything's gonna be fine. Just. Yeah, take a little nap. Sleepy time for the bird.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, hopefully that bird's still alive somewhere.

[Brian Green]

I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think so. The weirdest Thing about that whole situation. And this is a story I told a long time ago on the commercial break. Astrid and I were at a beach, and we're just hanging out there, and I was taking a run. And on the way back from the run, right in front of where the family was sitting on the beach where they had, like, you know, the little. Camped out there, there was a bird, and it was like, just like trying to flap its wings, but it wasn't. And it was. Looked dizzy and confused. And I was really upset about this. I was like, geez. And had some kind of film on its. On its wings. I got really upset about this. And I had the guy that was at the beach club, I had him bring me a box. And I put it in the box and I had a towel and I wrapped it around it. But it just seemed really in very bad shape. And so I started calling around the island, trying to figure out who could help this bird. Well, of course, you know, whatever, the dnr, you know, Department of Natural Resources, they're like, yeah, we don't come out for a single bird. Like, birds die. It's okay, you know, And I was like, well, that's not very DNR of you, but okay. I'm not calling the Do Not Resuscitate hotline. I'm calling the Department of Natural Resources. Right? And then. But luckily there were a couple of bird sanctuaries. Well, all of them were closed, except one lady answered the phone and she said, yeah, we see this all the time. There's a Navy submarine encampment, you know, a base right down the street or right down the beach encampment. There's a navy base down the street. I have a terrible headache. And you know when, like, headaches start to affect the way that you think, you know what I'm saying, That's where I'm at right now. I'm like, oh, God, my brain's not working. So there's this navel base, and the navel base uses a certain kind of substance to wash off the submarines, to clean the submarines. And we believe that that's a neurotoxin to these birds. And so whenever they go cle, meaning the subs, we end up having a number of these birds. So I'm not open today. I won't be open till Monday. But in the ass backwards swamp of Florida, somewhere 50 miles away from where you happen to be, if you just drive down this dirt road for 14 miles, then you'll see a box in the middle of nowhere where you stuff the Bird and I'll pick it up on Monday. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? So Astrid and I put that box in there. We have the towel covering it, and we're riding, and Astrid's in the back holding the box, like, you know, holding the towel down in the box. And we're like, halfway there, 20 miles into this journey, you know, and all of the sudden, the bird just, like, pops out like one of those clowns. We go. You know what I'm saying? Like a clown in the box.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The box, yeah. Jack in the.

[Brian Green]

Jack in the box. It just pops its head out and it's like. It starts flying around the car. And Esther jumps into the front seat. She's like, ah. And I'm like, put it back in the box. And you got on touching that thing. It was like a comedy show going on in the car for, like, 14 miles of the drive. And then we really did have to drive on this swamp road forever and ever to get down there. So, you know, like, I have this empathy for animals, and when I see something that looks helpless, hurt, I want to help it. I nurtured a squirrel once. Back to health. Like, I want to help it, but I can't take all of them in and then just leave them there indefinitely. It's. It's insane to me. I have a friend who's got basically an animal hospital going on in their house any given time. There's snakes and reptiles and, you know, squirrels and possums and raccoons are all running around everywhere. Every time I see a Facebook page, there's another fucking weird animal in their hands. The other day is like petting a possum. What are you doing? I think it's full of disease and nastiness. Like, my goodwill stops at roaches and possums. You know what I'm saying? I don't feel bad for you. I'm sorry. I just don't. Because you're kind of weird. You're like little aliens crawling around this earth. And I'm not sure you should be here. So I don't know if my empathy extends that far. If you're a dog or a cat or a cute little bird, those things I want.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I mean, I'll swerve to miss it.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, of course you swerve to miss it. Causing accident. Every time I swerve to miss a squirrel or a chipmunk, I think to myself, one of these days I'm gonna die, because I swear.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But it's like your. Your first instinct of course, right? I mean, not to just keep going.

[Brian Green]

There was the other day, I guess.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Unless there is a car on coming.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. You can't. You got to be careful. Like, I know. It is a natural instinct. That's what makes it so dangerous. It's like, you know, it's like a. I don't know, like some weird tick that you have. Like.

[Christina]

Ah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know.

[Brian Green]

The other day, one of my kids is like, was. Has been for months, growing increasingly anxious about bugs, right? And she. She doesn't want to see bugs, bugs, bugs, dad. Bugs, bugs, bugs, bugs. But we've been trying to talk her out of it, talk her down off the ledge. Listen, most bugs don't want to hurt. They have no interest. There are some bugs, like roaches that you just kill. And then. So we're outside, we're playing around, she notices every bug and she goes, oh, daddy, look, there's an ant. This is big black ant. And it's crawling around the sidewalk. And we're out there dancing on the sidewalk and she's crawling around and I'm like, oh. And she's like, oh, daddy, aunt. And I go, no, no, no, he's just crossing the road. He'll be fine. You know, let him go. Just let him do his thing. He's not gonna. He's not gonna hurt you. So he's sitting there and she's looking and, you know, she's like, oh, I see, Daddy, he's so cute. He just wants to cross the road. And I'm like, I know. And then one of my other kids comes with a double footed stomp and just stomps on the ant and goes, goes, see, I took care of it. And I'm like, thanks, guy. Thanks, pal. And now she's crying about the bug. And I'm like, I'm sorry, we gotta let those little guys just keep going. What did you kill him for? No, Mia was scared, all right? But man can have therapy. The ant is no longer. It's either existence or therapy. We can deal with one of those. The other one's not coming back. You know what I'm saying, kid? You gotta make sure of it. All right, let me tell you about my day with the children when we get back, okay?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I'm very interested to hear.

[Brian Green]

All right, we'll be back.

[Christina]

I know you're already on your phone, so pull up Instagram and follow us at the commercial break and then follow us on TikTok@TCB podcast.

[Brian Green]

Done.

[Christina]

Perfect. Thank you. Since you're at the ready, why not Text us hello at 212-4333, TCB. Or if you've got some drama in your life, a little fun story or anything really. We're desperate for content. Call and leave us a message at 212-433-33, TCV. And don't forget to check out tcvpodcast.com because that's got it all. Speaking of having it all, let's listen to our fabulous sponsors and get back to the commercial break.

[Brian Green]

All right, so Astrid has to go down to Miami just for the day for, to sign a piece of paper regarding a citizenship. Right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's what she said.

[Brian Green]

That's what she says exactly. And I'll explain this in a second. Why for a second I thought, I.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Don'T know, she just needed a day off.

[Brian Green]

She needed the day off to be with her sexy, you know, hunky Hispanic boyfriend. So she's got to go down there just for the day. It's kind of like a got to do it kind of situation. We have no choice. It's literally planned within 24 hours. And she's on her way and she, she's like, listen, I know, I'm sorry, I got, you know, I gotta do this. I'll leave you everything done. She's really so concerned about her children's ability to actually live through an entire 15 hour window with dad just by himself. So she's like sitting me down to have this big conversation with me. She writes this huge, oh, I'm sure. And she's like, you know, kids, wake up at this time. Breakfast here, do this. This kid, this kid gets that. That kid gets that. I've got these instructions and I'm, I'm playing so flip and coy. I'm like, listen, I got it, I got it. You don't think I can take care of these kids? I, I helped make them. I, I, I, I, I, I know how to take care of kids. Like we're parents together. And she goes, yeah, kind of in.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Your mind, kind of.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, kind of. But you, like, actually don't do most of the stuff I do. And you're mostly fucking around around by that microphone and like, you're kind of not participating in all the hard stuff. So, yes, you do. You are a parent technically on the birth certificate, but I'm not entirely sure that counts much for this particular situation.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Because I'm like taking such offense to this. I'm like, I got it, I got it. Don't worry. Feed the kids, clothe them, let them, and shower and shave and then we're out the door, right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And she's like, brian, kids don't shave at this age. And I'm like, well, whatever. You get what I'm saying? And she's like, what are you gonna do when, you know, you got to think about what you're going to do because you're not going to have your morning press conference time. You're not going to be able to go get your cup of coffee. Like, you got to plan for this because it's not going to happen. So I just want to, like, I'm helping you along here, you know, Got to think. And I just. I'm running into this like a bowl in a china shop. I'm like, it. Whatever happens, we're going down. If we're going down, we're going down with a bowl. It's just. That's the way it is, right? I'm going to get these kids up. They're going to be so ready. I'm going to bathe them.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You're going to be dad of the year. I mean, picturing yourself like, you know, the Astrid comes back and the kids are like, we don't even need you anymore, Astrid.

[Brian Green]

That's what I was hoping.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Brian.

[Brian Green]

Daddy. Daddy did it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Cover. We did everything.

[Brian Green]

Go back to Miami. Spend an extra couple of days there. Look at dad. Superstar. He's cooking, he's flipping, he's wiping butts, he's changing diapers. He's doing it all. Blue is sitting down, quiet, right in front of. Right in front of the door. Look at him. It's all, you know, the house is clean. He cleaned the car. He pressure washed the outside of the shutters. He. Dad did it all. Look at him. I think he's out there cutting the grass right now with two of the children on the lawnmower. Like, he's so good at this. But, man, do you not know what you got till it's gone?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's right.

[Brian Green]

As the famous poet Mick Jagger once said. Let me tell you something right now, that is not at all how it went down. And I should have probably expected this, but. And I did somewhere in my brain know that there was going to be an emergency ripcord I was going to have to pull at some point. So Astro's gotta get. Astro's gotta meet an Uber outside at like 4:45 in the morning to get to her flight so she can get to Miami in time to do what she needs to do. So in preparation for that, the night before, I say, okay, shut it down. No studio stuff. I'm gonna go to bed 9, 9:30, I'm gonna be asleep by 10:30, 11, so I can get up when she leaves, walk her to the Uber and then I'll come back. I'll sleep for an hour or two, I'll wake everybody up, we'll get going, smooth sailing. This is my plan. But God damn, did it go sideways. Right from the get. 3:15 in the morning, the baby is crying, right? She's in that age where she's just having trouble sometimes sleeping throughout the night and she wants some comfort. 3:15, 15 in the morning, baby's crying. Astro goes in to soothe her. Astrid's got to get up at 4. That 3:15 in the morning wake up call from the baby also starts to rile the other two children, one of which I'm sleeping with in the bed. And so now I'm up. It's 3:15 and I'm up. And I know my alarm's gonna go off at 4:15 or whatever because I'm gonna go walk her out to the Uber. So in my head, you know how you start? Do you ever set an alarm and then get up like four minutes before the alarm goes off? It's the worst thing in the world. The worst thing in the world is getting up five minutes before the alarm goes off.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I kind of like it.

[Brian Green]

I hate it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I kind of like it because then I'm not startled by the alarm.

[Brian Green]

I'm with you on that. Yeah, but What? Maybe not five minutes? Let's call it 15 or 20 minutes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Before your alarm goes off. Yeah, you wanted that extra sleep.

[Brian Green]

You need that extra sleep. I don't know why, but that 15 minutes before the alarm goes off is the most important sleep ever. Because every time I wake up 15 minutes or 20 minutes or an hour before the alarm goes off, I start panicking in my own head. I gotta get to sleep. I gotta get to sleep. What do I do? You know, what can I take? What do I drink? You know, where's the Tylenol? Where's the Benadryl? Where's the Xanax? I gotta get something so I can go back to sleep for 20 minutes. But now I am up. And by 3:35, I know I'm up. I'm like, well, fuck it, I'll just get up.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, you just have to go with it.

[Brian Green]

So 4:00 in the morning, 3:50 in the morning, Astrid comes back, manages to go to sleep for another 20 minutes. How she does that, I have no idea. I wish I Had that magic power. But she goes back to sleep for 20 minutes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Because as a mom, you take it where you can get it.

[Brian Green]

That's true. Well, I mean, you know, there's dads, too. Look at me. What about me? What about me? Me, me, me, me, me.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Me, me, me, me, me, me. My, my, my, my. So now I'm just sitting there stirring mad that Astrid is the one who has to get up early. And I'm the one who's already up early. I'm, I, I, I. I'm all pissed off, right? And I'm like, okay, let me turn on a show. It'll put me. Lull me back to sleep like a baby. Let me put on that fucking west wing I've seen 75,000 times. It's my little lullaby, right? President Bartlett, Sam Seaborn and the whole crew, they're gonna put me to sleepy time. So I put it on. Nothing works. I'm not going back to sleep until now. I'm up, so I just decide I'm gonna watch an episode of the West Wing and just stay up. Astrid gets up, and I get up with her. And then, you know, we're sitting in the kitchen, she's making coffee and something she can take on the plane to eat. And I'm. And I'm just amazed by her composure. I'm amazed at the ability to plan. She's got 675, 000 documents stuck in a bag that you can actually take on a plane without, you know, drama.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

She's thought of everything, right? I'm like, do you have that? Yes. Do you have. No. Yes, do that. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I've got it all. You know how many times I would have walked back in the house had that been the same trip with me? You know how many times on the airplane, I would have been like, oh, I forgot that piece of paper. I didn't bring a charger. I don't have a change of clothes. What about my shoes? I didn't bring deodorant. God damn. God damn. God damn. But Astrid has it all laid out. She's ready to go. This is what makes her a superhero. And me. This is what makes her Keanu Reeves and me Tom Cruise. I'm like the lowly version of, Of Keanu Reeves. I'm really not that cool in person, Right? I'm doing splits on the dance floors. That's. That's what's going on.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Astrid's panicked about the Uber ride because we all should be panicked about the Uber Ride. Because really, a stranger's coming to pick you up, right? And you don't know, but I see on the little With Uber app, she. And she has every safety feature turned on. You gotta.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I do all those too.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you gotta do the pin. You're sharing it with multiple people. You know where you are, you know, blah, blah, blah. And you turn my iPhone, you know, find my iPhone. Okay. We're sharing our location. I walk her out. But I also noticed the Guy has had 11,000 trips and has a 4.99 rating. So I'm like, 11,000 trips? That's. That's a pretty good trip, I don't think. I hope today's not the day he decides to go ape shit, you know? Does he turn into an ax murderer today? Probably not. I think you do that around trip 13,000. We're still good, right? So I walk her out to the. To the Uber and I come back into the house and who's fucking barking? Blue. So Blue's barking at me. And now other children are up.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Everybody's up.

[Brian Green]

Not everybody. Oh, the baby's still sleeping. But the two that are the hardest to get to sleep are now up. And so I'm like. They're like, daddy, it's morning time. And I'm like, no, it's not. Do you see it? It's dark outside. It's 4:50 in the morning. Let's go back to sleep for a couple of hours. Daddy. What? I have to go pee pee. No. Can't you hold it? Can, like, hold it for two hours? Daddy. What? I just went pee pee. Ah. God damn it. I get up, I take her to the bathroom. I come back. Now I'm smooshed in the middle of two children. And one of them is playing games with her hands. She's like this. Daddy Mariposa. And I'm like, what? Maddie Bosa. And I'm like, butterfly.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And she's like doing her hands like this. Yes. In front of my face. Right in front of my face. And I'm like, go to sleep, Daddy. Secret Maddie waving her hands in front. I am so worked up right now. Hoadley. This is gonna go one of two. And then the other kid on the other side. Daddy. What? Can I turn on Disney Junior? No. 450 in the morning. What are you doing? Go back to sleep. Daddy. What? Can I watch the West Wing on your phone? No, because now he likes. He likes my shows now.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right, Exactly.

[Brian Green]

Because he's gonna put him to sleep, too. This is gonna go one of two ways, Chrissy. At this moment, it's like 5:15, 5:20 in the morning. This is gonna go one of two ways. Either I am gonna absolutely lose my shit and demand that these children go the to sleep right now, or I'm gonna play the cool dad and I'm just gonna let it roll, right? And I make a quick. Probably the wrong decision, but I make a decision to just let it roll.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I would have to. Okay, yeah.

[Brian Green]

So the girl, my daughter manages to fall asleep. My son keeps asking me if he can watch the West Wing. Can I watch something on your phone? Can I watch something on your phone? And I'm like, no, you're not allowed to watch things on phones, first of all. Second of all, no, no, no, no, no. You know what happens five minutes later? We're watching the west wing on my phone. Of course that's what we're doing, right? And he never goes back to sleep. So at 5:45, 6:30 in the. 5:45, 6:00 clock in the morning, he's like, daddy, can I call Mommy? And I'm like, why? And he goes, for breakfast. And I'm like, no, I'm. I'm gonna make you breakfast. Well, mommy made you breakfast, but I'm gonna actually heat it up for you. So at this point, I just give up. I'm like, okay, let's go. So it's me.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Let's start the day.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it's me and a couple of the kids. The first thing that this child does. The first thing. Now, I will remind you of what I have said on this show before. You never wake a sleeping baby. No. Don't ever think about it. Don't look it in the eye. Don't, don't. Just don't even look at the door. Don't. When you pass the room, just don't even look at the door. You tiptoe past and you do everything you can to keep that baby asleep for as long as you can. Because babies are a nightmare. And when they're up, they're twice as worse.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

First thing that child does while I'm getting like. I wake up, I say, okay, go to the kitchen. I'll be there in a minute. You know, I'm waking up, I'm splashing water on my face. And. And then. And then I can hear the baby. And I'm like, oh, shit. Now the baby's up and I walk in and my son's standing at the crib and they're playing games, and I'm like, what are you doing? And he's like, it's time to wake her up. And I'm like, no, it's not. It's never time to wake her up. You never wake a baby up. If that baby slept until it was five years old, it'd be too early to wake up.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

If I could pump milk straight into its vein and keep it sleeping until it can talk, walk and shit for itself, then I would. Because that's what babies are supposed to do. Look at all those pictures on Facebook. Everyone's sleeping because that's what babies should do. Why did you do that, child? So now a number of us are up in the kitchen and let me tell you something. Astrid does this every day, but I do not do this every day. She is the morning person. I am the night person. That's how it goes in this family. I take, you know, I do the sleeping stuff and play with them in the afternoons. Astrid is up in the morning and does all the important stuff so that I could just play with them in the afternoon.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Exactly. Honestly, I've seen this. I have.

[Brian Green]

It's true story. So I go to the refrigerator and Astrid has left me the breakfast, the lunches for the kids to go to school with. She has prepared notes for this lady, Noemi, who comes and helps us every day. I mean, every Tuesday and Thursday, she comes and helps around the house. She has prepared notes for Noemi on what to do and how to make it and get it all done. And I. She made pancakes for the kids. So I heat up the pancakes. I put him in front of the. A couple of the children, and I said, there. Breakfast. Daddy. What? Where's Mommy? She's in Miami. What time is she gonna be home? Probably like, you know, five, six o'. Clock. I don't know why I don't want pancakes. Can mommy make me something else? And I'm like, I'm standing right here. You don't want me to make you something else? I don't think so. When your kids know you're a bad cook, it's a bad day at the office when your kids don't even want your food. That's a bad day at the office. So I'm like, listen, you eat those pancakes and you shut the up. Do you hear me? I don't want you. I don't want to hear another word. Those have chocolate chips in them. Mom made them with love. And there's. What do you want? Pringles? Because I can make you Pringles. Is that what you want? Sour cream and Onion pringles. Would you like those for breakfast?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You could do your ramen noodle dish.

[Brian Green]

You want some ramen noodles with Mexican cheese, sour cream, jalapenos, hot sauce and crackers. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And the daddy special.

[Brian Green]

Yes. It's get you right off to school, right in the. The right way. You yourself before lunch. Yes. Chrissy, breakfast is insane. I mean, it's insane. I got pancakes in front of all these children. None of them want them, Right? They're chocolate chip pancakes. Who don't want. I want chocolate chip pancakes, but I'm too busy to eat anything because you know why? Because I'm an idiot. I don't know any other stuff Up. I'm trying to get the lunches into the bag. I'm got to get a water. Everyone, now all my kids are up. And I'm like, oh, oh, kids, we gotta leave in 30 minutes. Everybody. No one's eating their breakfast. Everybody, quick stuff your butts. And I'm throwing pancakes down everyone's throat. I'm literally putting pancakes into one of my daughter's throats. I'm like, you're gonna eat this and you're gonna like it, and you're gonna take it because that's what mommy left for you. And there's no other option. You will literally starve or you will eat this pancake. That's what's gonna go on. And you're gonna do it right now without complaint. And then she goes, daddy, we need to do my hair.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's right. I wondered about the hair.

[Brian Green]

I have been sweating this for days. For two days since I knew that she was going to Miami because she.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Likes her hair done so pretty.

[Brian Green]

Oh, she wants the Princess Leia. She wants the bobtails. She wants it down. She wants multiple twists and braids. This girl will not leave the house unless she feels her hair has been done appropriately by somebody I know. And I'm telling you right now, I am not that somebody.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

So cute.

[Brian Green]

It does. And. And she is the one who tell Astrid how to do her hair.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay?

[Brian Green]

But Astrid knows all the ways to do her hair, right? I always see them. And when I wake up in the morning, you know, a lot of times I'll take the kids to school, but I just wake up and literally just shove them into the car and go, yeah. I don't even take a shower. I'm just like, hey, I see Astrid all the time. You know, they're in there for hours. I don't know. Days doing that. Those hair things. And I'm like, I don't have. So I told Astron before she left, I said, what do I do with this one's hair? And she goes, well, just put it in a ponytail. Yeah, put. Just put it in a ponytail is like telling me to build a quantum computer. Just throw a little knowledge in there, you'll be fine. Look at some Instagram videos from fathers that are much better than you. And boom. Quantum ponytails. I am literally looking up those goddamn dad Instagram accounts trying to figure out those better dads that I am doing their daughter's hair on whoopee doopy and sending them out the door. I don't know the first thing about hair. I've dated a lot of girls with ponytails. I'm only good at taking them off, not putting them back in. What do you want me to do?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right?

[Brian Green]

So I, so now I'm negotiating with my daughter. She's standing on this little stand in front of her mirror in the kids, in the kids bathroom. Hair is all like this. She's got beautiful hair, but it is thick. So when thick and curly. Yeah. And so it's all curly and out to here. And I'm like, I definitely can't send you like this, this. And I'm like, listen, can I just do a ponytail? I don't want a ponytail. What do you want? I want a double cross braid. And I'm like, what the is a double cross braid, hun? I don't know what that is. And she's like, well, Mommy does it. Daddy. What? Can we call Mommy? I said, no, we can't call her. She's on an airplane. So we're gonna have to do this together. Can you, can you, can we work together? Yeah, unbelievably, because this one refuses to wear what she doesn't want to wear. And look how she doesn't want to look. If she doesn't like it, she's not doing it. But unbelievably, in one moment of grace, in this whole goddamn, she felt sorry for me and she said, fine. So now I'm like, that's awesome. How the fuck do I do a ponytail? How do I do that? And she's like, daddy, take the water spray. And then the stuff in the thing, she's pointing at the things that I need to do, right? And so now I'm spraying water all over her face, her hair and her clothing, right? And then I'm pulling it back. She's like, ow, ow, ow, daddy, ow, ow. And I'm like, I, I don't know yet. I See, people do this on horses all the time. They don't yell like this, please, just give me a break. I don't know. I don't know how to do this. So finally I get it wet enough. I put this purple lamp, like conditioner tangle, like detangler conditioner. I take a little bit, Chrissy, I'm talking like a little bit, a little circular dollop on my hand and I put it on her hair and it sticks right to her scalp. And I can't smooth it out. It's like this big goopy white on the back of her head. And I'm like. And I'm trying to like, you know, put it in the hair, like smooth it out, push it around. It's not going anywhere. It's just sitting right there, this big glop of white. And I'm like, oh. So I finally, I get out the brush, and the second I get out the brush, it's tangle city. And. And I just can't push that shit around enough. And she's like, oh, oh, daddy, can we call mommy? Oh, oh, no, we're not calling mommy. So I finally, and I mean, it took me a good 10 minutes. I finally managed to get like, so that it didn't have like a big white patch in the back of her head. It looks semi normal, but really kind of weird and wet. And I have it in my hand, I have the ponytail in my hand and I'm like, okay, what I do now, I guess I put a little, you know, the elastic, the elastic band on there. Yes, Chrissy, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to loop that band. So I keep yanking her hair through these. I'm twisting it, I'm turning it, I'm yanking it. And she's. Ow, daddy, ow, ow, ow. The poor girl's head is at a 90 degree angle staring at my face. And I'm like yanking it down. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know how to do this life. And I got her into. I got it into a ponytail. And let me tell you something, I got it into a ponytail. And the second that I got it into that ponytail, the second she stepped off that thing, all of a sudden the hair's pulling out. So now she's got these random like frizzy pieces of hair sticking everywhere. And I'm like, wow, that's beautiful. We really did a good job. Look how pretty you look. And she's like swinging her hair back and forth. She's like, thanks, daddy. And I'M like, no problem. She's like, I want a picture. And I'm like, nope, nope. No picture needed. No picture needed. And she's like, daddy, I want a picture. Show Mommy. So I take a picture, and I'm like, I'm gonna send it to Mommy right now. And she's like, let me see. And I'm like, nope, nope. I was gonna press delete. Yeah, I'm sending it to Mommy. Right through the trash can. See, you drag, you drop, you put it through the trash can. Goes right to Mommy. Mommy's the trash can. She looks at that picture and she looks at me, and she's like. Like, it's coming out. And I'm like, I know, babe, but we just gotta go. Like, we gotta go. It's pajama day at the school.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, well, that probably helped.

[Brian Green]

It did help. Except my son, who wants to wear red. One of my sons wants to wear red Christmas socks pulled up above his knee. Knee sock, Christmas socks. My Christmas socks. He wants to put my Christmas socks on above his knee and then wear, like, a Super Mario pajama, short shorts and short sleeve. And I'm like, son, you kind of look like a crazy Swedish person. You look like you're about to yell out for some cough laws or something. Like you want to blow in one of those horns.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, right, right. With the knee socks. Like the yodelers.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Meanwhile, the daughter just got her hair done, wants to wear a red frozen dress with bright pink pants under it and then ballet shoes to school. These two kids look like they have been dehomed. It looks like a blind person took them for the morning. So they're, like, standing at the front door, all of them just looking a hot mess. Hot fucking mess. And they go, let's take a picture for Mommy. And now Astrid's like, show me a picture, right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She's landed. She's like, how are things going?

[Brian Green]

She's not even landed. She's still on the plane. She's texting me, but she's like, let me see. How are things going? And I'm like, oh, everything's fine over here. They're hungry. They haven't been fed. I'm pretty sure no one's peed or pooped today. I think I left their lunches out all night. I'm not sure they're still good. And take a look. Here they are. And she's like, oh, my God. That's her response. Oh, my God. Now she's worried that the people at school are going to be like, she's like, make sure to tell the teachers that I'm in my.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, exactly.

[Brian Green]

Make sure to tell the teachers I had nothing to do with this. And I'll tell you what those teachers said right after this break. We'll be back.

[Christina]

What? Oh, hi, it's Christina again, here to remind you to go to tcbpodcast.com for all things audio, video, and TCBDO. Give us a follow on Instagram, hecommercial break and on TikTokcbpodcast. And guess what? We have a new phone number. I know what you're thinking, but I promise this is the last TCB phone number you will ever have to remember. So call us and leave us a voicemail or text us at 212-4333, TCB. Once more for the people in the back. That. That's 212-4333, TCB. Oh, and check out our YouTube [e-mail] the commercial break. That's all for now. Let's listen to our sponsors and get back to the show.

[Brian Green]

All right, so I managed to get everybody out of the door, and I managed to get out of the door with, like, five minutes to spare. Like, I know we're a little bit early, and I'm like, oh, this is awesome. I'm going to be dad of the year. When I show up up, the kids are dressed. They're gonna have something for lunch. They're alive. That's the thing I'm most proud.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Alive. Yes.

[Brian Green]

And so I take the baby, I stuff her in the car. Thirteen children pack into the, you know, 1973 Honda Volkswagen we have, and we just, like, Honda, Volkswagen.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I'm picturing, like, that Clark Griswold station.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God, Chrissy. Everyone's packed into the car and, you know, buckling them all up. You got. Everyone's got a seat, so you got a buckle. And, you know.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Green]

They're all constrained so tightly. It's kind of weird, actually. And everyone looks a hot mess. And I am now exhausted. Like, just exhausted. And I'm thinking to myself, God damn, angel I have on my side with Astrid. Please do not let that plane fall out of the sky. Please, please. Because I need her desperately for so many reasons, personal and selfish. Not to mention the children just need Astrid because she is so good at this. And I, you know, I. I've had some friends who've been single mothers, and I always knew it was tough, and I spent a lot of time with them, and a couple of them I dated, and I knew just how tough it was because I saw them, but they were older children that could take care of themselves, like, and wash and clean, you know, all the things, feed themselves and do all that. And I always thought to myself, I am really admiring how much it takes to be a single parent. And just a 15 hour window made me understand that it would be almost impossible to do this by yourself. Almost impossible.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

So, yes, I agree.

[Brian Green]

We're in the car, I got everybody buckled up, which is like a 10 minute thing to do, right? And I start pulling out of the driveway. And my daughter, same one with the hair and now the frozen dress with the bright pink, you know, leggings on, goes, daddy, do we need to do this one? She's completely unbuckled. And I'm like, oh, yes. This is the second time this has happened in two months, by the way. One time, Astro and I were in the car and we took this, like, long trip somewhere, and we got home, and when we get home, Astro's like, the kid, the. The chef, the daughter. My daughter goes, I made it the whole ride without this. Then we were like, oh, they do.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Have a lot of buckles.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, there's a lot of buckles.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

But in. All of them have buckles. And I just forgot this one, you know, what are you gonna do? I figured, you know, 17 out of 18 isn't bad, right? It's not bad. I have a pretty good batting average.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Just the safety feature.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Just the part that actually keeps them in the chair should an accident occur. Is not buckled. But she's in her seat, technically. So we drive up to that school and we are the first ones there for drop off, which is great. I'm like, this is amazing. Look at me, look at me.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I did it.

[Brian Green]

I am thinking my day is over. Everything. I just did it. It's got a couple hours in the afternoon to make it, and that's it. Right now I can just take the baby home. The one that doesn't go to school. I just take the baby home. Noemi is there. She can help me a little bit. We get lunch prepared for the kid. Everything will be fine. Now I get to that school and the teachers come out and they're all in pajamas. So everybody's in pajamas. The teachers come out to grab the kids from the carpool line, and I get them out, and the teacher, who happens to be one of my son's actual homeroom teacher, is like, oh, wow, everybody looks. Looks so nice. And I'm like, yep, I did it all myself. Asher went to Miami today. She goes, I noticed. I thought. I thought to myself, this is. This is not the normal. This is not what I usually see. I know you dropped them off a lot, but normally they look like human beings. Now they look like animals. Okay. It's okay. I'll take them in. I noticed it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I'll redo the ponytail.

[Brian Green]

I noticed that when the. My daughter who had the hair incident got home, her ponytail was redone. I was gonna.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I knew that would happen with the teacher. Come here, honey.

[Brian Green]

Some teacher took pity on her and did it. So I go. We close the door. That's just me and the baby in the car. And the second that we leave, that baby has a holy fucking meltdown. Probably because she knows now it's just me with Daddy. I'm fucked. Leave me at school. I know I've never been, but today could be my first day. Don't leave me alone with him. She's screaming to the teachers, like, help. I haven't even had my milk this morning. Oh, my God. We get home, and thank the Lord there's another mother in the house, Noemi, who is a mother herself. And she, like. As soon as I walk in the door, by the way, Noemi's just standing there like this with her hands up. Give her to me before you kill her. Give her to me. That's just basket.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's time I take it.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it's. It's like. It's like those cop movies where at the end, everyone's pointing guns at each other, and some cop is like, put the gun down. Just put it down. It's not worth it. You don't want to do this right now. That's how Noemi was. Put her down. Just put it. Give it to me. Come on. Just give it to me. Put her on the ground so she does. I do a little bit of work, you know? Yeah. I come back, I put her for a nap, and now all of a sudden, it's time to pick the kids up from school. I literally did two things, and now it's time to pick the kids up from school. And I'm like, geez, that went fast. I was hoping. I nap and right, whack off. I don't know. I just do something. I could do something while Astrid isn't here. I could look at my, you know, old pictures of Sears catalogs and get a jerk off in there. I don't know, something cool.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

A little nap right after.

[Brian Green]

I know I barely had time to shower. Now I gotta go right back out the door. It's amazing. It's amazing. I go, I pick up the kids, you know, hey, kids, how is school? You know, I. I noticed that the ponytail was redone, the socks were put in the appropriate place, and the kids ate every bit of their lunch, by the way. They never do that. There is always some bit of food left. And we're always kind of fussing at them, like, you gotta eat all your food. Like, what are you doing? You know, you gotta eat all your food. Nope, not this time. Every bit of the lunch was gone because they didn't get a proper breakfast, because they didn't like what daddy was serving them. They were so hungry by the time lunch came that they had to eat every little bit.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

So now we gotta go, we gotta get home, we gotta hang out for a minute, get a little snack, and then we gotta go to activities. Gymnastics, ballet. That's on the. That's on the agenda for today, right? I gotta get them there by a certain time. So Noemi helps me get the hair done again. We dress up inappropriate. Like, I had to. I had to take a phone call probably about maybe 30 minutes before we were supposed to leave. I finished that phone call when I came out. Noemi is getting them all dressed, so. And I didn't even ask her to do this. Noemi.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She just knew.

[Brian Green]

She knew. She's like, this guy is just poor dude. He was really left to the wolves here. Even though I have a note, messages, you know, videos showing me how. Tutorials from Astrid on the iPad. I can't do any of it. I'm like, I'm pretty. I'm pretty. I'm getting like a D minus here. On. On. They're alive. So that gives me a passing grade, but barely.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Green]

We get into the car, we drive down. Not very far. We drive down and we go to this big, you know, like a. A neighborhood gym gymnasium is what it is, right? The local gymnasium where they have all the activities and they're both supposed to be there at the exact same time. One of them for a 45 minute class, one of them for a 55 minute class. So I don't know how Astor does this, but the first person I drop off is ballet. I'm like, ballet. And I get there and I know one of the ladies because they. The kids go school together. So it's like we're all friendly. Yeah. So she happens to be there, and I'm like, oh, thank God. And so I'm like, listen, can you just hang out here with this one for a minute while I go, take that one. And she's like, oh, is today the day Astrid's. And she said, you might need some help. And I'm like, what, is there, like a special board for moms to talk about when dads are going to up. Yes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She as her alerted everyone one.

[Brian Green]

So I go. I take the other one. I take, you know, my son over to his gymnastics class. I run back over to the other side of the building where my daughter is taking this ballet class. And now there's like, you know, five mothers that are. That are there for the kids with the girls with the ballet class. And they're all like, oh, where's Astrid? And I'm like, oh, she, you know, she's down in Miami today. And they're like, oh, do you need anything? Can I help you out with anything? And I'm like, yeah, can you take. Take them, right? Can you just take them? And I'll go pick a bastard and I'll come back and get him later. So the whole. And here's. Here's a funny part. So this lady that we know who is super sweet and we love her, she knows that we have the podcast. We've been over this person's house for dinner. And her husband and I like them both. They're really cool people. Like, I'm standing. There's a seat here, and then there's the window where you can look in here. And there's a. It's like in this big hallway, and there's all these mothers that are crowded around, not only for the ballet class, but for other classes. All these mothers, mainly mothers. I don't see another dude in the mix, right? It's all moms, and everyone's chatting and chatting and chatting. And this lady that I know starts talking to me, and she starts talking about the show, right? Like, oh, I remember you had this episode. Blah, blah, blah. Chrissy. I have never run so fast in my entire life. I. It's only seven steps away, but I took those seven steps so quick right toward her, and I was like, in her face, whispering. I'm like, yeah, that was good episode. We should probably not say anything else about it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, let's just drop it here in.

[Brian Green]

Front of people that. In the community that probably aren't going to like the show. Don't talk about it. It's like the incubus. Don't talk about the incubus. So I'm darting back and forth between the two classes, and now I see that my son has gone in this huge Gymnasium where they have, like, real gym meets, Right? Right. He has gone behind this big curtain with the class. My daughter gets done first. I grab her. We go, we sit. We were waiting on these bleachers, but I can't see my son because he's behind this big curtain with a bunch of the other kids. And I'm like, this is fine. I'll sit here. I'll watch. You know, I'll see them when they come back to go up the stairs, to come near the bleachers and go out the door. I'll see them. No problem. So I'm sitting there. My daughter runs up to see somebody. She, you know, she's like, oh, my friend's up there. Can I go? Yeah, go. You know, you go sit up there. But blah. I'm sitting there. I'm just waiting. I'm watching. I'm so exhausted. But I'm like, okay, I'll see him when he comes. I know what he's wearing, you know, Blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, he's supposed to be done at 4:10. 4:10 comes and goes. Now it's like 4:12, 4:13. And now I see outside that there's a bunch of parents are grabbing their kids from these activities. And I'm like, I didn't see him. Where did. Where is he? And now I'm getting a little bit concerned, of course.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So I say, hey, daughter, come down here. Let me. You know, we got to go find your brother. And so I'm walking around now. I'm walking around the building now. It's like 4:15, 4:16, 4:17. And I'm like, oh, my God. Where. Where did he go? Like, is he done? Is he not done? Is he behind the curtain? And then I go, and I look where they put their shoes. Like, for the activities, they put their shoes. And I can see his shoes are still there, but he is not there. He's nowhere. And there's hundreds of people walking around this building. And it's a big building.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And I have. For just one minute, for just a minute, I have an absolute panic attack. Yeah. This is the worst feeling in the world.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And I've never really had this moment with my children. Astrid had the exact same situation happened a couple months ago, but I've never had it. And I am panicked now. I'm holding my daughter. I'm running around the gymnasium like a madman. Like, where is my son? Has anybody seen my son? You see my son, he's got socks up to his knees. Have you seen him? He's got. He's got my Christmas socks on. And parents. What I like about most parents is they get concerned with you, right? They're like, did you find him? Do you know where he is? You see him? What's he wearing? And so I'm like, oh, gosh, where is he? Where is he? Now I'm thinking about running down on the gym mat where all these, like, professional athletes are. I mean, these girls that are, like, 13, 14 years old, they're like real deal gymnasts. They're doing 40 flips in the air, and they're all practicing for a big meet that's tomorrow. And so I. I don't give a shit. I'm like, I'm going down there. I'm walking through that mat, and I'm gonna go find my kid. I'm gonna ask that coach where he dropped my kid off, right? And so I run into the gym to go do this. I got my daughter. I'm totally pampered. Panic. And all of a sudden, I can feel someone hitting me on my back. And I turn around, and it's my son. And he's upset because he's like, daddy, I. I don't know where you were. And there's a lady with him, and she's like, he was in the ladies restroom. And I was like, what? And she goes, he was in the ladies restroom looking for his mommy. And I was like, oh. I go, I thank you so much. Like, thank you so much. And I'm like, son, what? Where did you go? And he's like, I didn't see you. So I thought maybe mommy took the other one to go to the bathroom. It was confusing. I went in the boys bathroom. I went in the girls bathroom. I checked over there. And I was like, oh, my God. So he is freaking, right? He's. He's stressing hard. He's like, I didn't see you. And. And I'm like, oh, my God. Son, you went. Stay with the shoes. When in doubt, stay with the shoes. You can't talk to strangers. He's like, I had to talk to a stranger because I was in the girl's bathroom. We get the kids home, I get them bathed, I feed them dinner. And now, everybody, it's time for bed. So I'm like, okay, I'm gonna start doing the bedtime routine. But it comes apparent and very quickly becomes apparent that I have no idea how to get these kids to bed separately. How do you do that? They're babies. They're children. They're taught they're toddlers. Like, how do I put one to bed in a room while the other two are safely somewhere else? You can't do that. You have to keep your eyes on them all the time. Time. So we all had to stay up till Mommy got home. And everyone was tired and upset, stressed, and all they wanted was Mommy. So I am literally watching her Uber from the airport, and I'm giving updates, and they're asking me every three minutes, where's mommy? And I'm like, she's 38 minutes away. And one of my kids goes, that's so long. And I'm like, has it been that bad with me? Yes. Yes. That's his response. Yes. Well, you too. There you go. How do you like that? You think the last five years with you has been all dandy? Now's an episode of Curb youb Enthusiasm. We're, like, yelling at each other, take everybody out. I push them out on the front porch. And I say, fine, let's all wait for Mommy right here.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Let's go outside.

[Brian Green]

Let's go outside. We'll wait for Mommy. I know I want her just as bad as you do. Just go outside and wait for her. So we are literally all outside. Everyone's dancing because they know Mommy's coming home. Here comes mom in the Uber. She's gonna save our life and feed us some actual food. Oh, here comes mom, the one who's raising us. Let's get rid of this bum in the back. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. And I have to admit my defeat. I just have to admit my defeat. I'm like, okay, I didn't do a great job. What do you want? You're still alive. You almost almost got kidnapped. I'm pretty sure I pulled most of your hair out. You didn't get fed. But you know what? You're alive while you're alive. That's better than some people. That's better than Biscuit, the dog from the South Dakota governor or whatever his name was. Cricket. When that Uber pulled up, let me tell you, I didn't even care that my kids were running into the driveway. They're all like, ah, poor Astron has just had a day in Miami. And she's like. And I don't care one bit. I was just as happy to see her. I was like, God damn, woman. Woman, you can never do this again. I know. Now she's planning a girls trip. And I'm like, the hell you will. The hell you will. You better get your parents down here, because that's the only way that trip's happening. I'm telling you what. It all's well that ends well. Yes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes. Astro's back. Back on the job. And you have a whole new appreciation.

[Brian Green]

I love her. I love her so much, but for such good reasons. She is the. She is the engine in this proverbial vehicle. She makes it go. And I don't. I don't. I pour gasoline occasionally. Yeah, I pour gas in the tank by making some money. Well, not right now, but at some point I will. At some point I'll get a real job and stop with all this. But you know what?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I think we're too far in.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I don't know where we go from here. I really don't. We painted ourselves into a corner. It's either start another podcast or just be unemployed. The only problem is this company would have to make money for us to collect unemployment. Can I file for unemployment on my own company? I don't know. Maybe I can. Can. Let's figure it out. Oh, my God. Big props to Astrid, to all the mothers and fathers and single parents out there. You know who you are. This story has probably resonated with you to the bone. To the bone. I know it has. And those of you that don't have children, I'm sorry to bore you with my children's story, but I hope you got a laugh out of it anyway.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, yeah, I can picture it.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God. All right, listen, I know that it's little talked about, but it's a great app. I'd love you to go to the Odyssey app. A U D A C Y. There's a link in our show notes. Go to the Odyssey app. Download that app and listen to us on the Odyssey app. It's our home and we'd love it if you would listen to us through the Odyssey app. And they'd love it if you download the app. So there you go. Also, we want you to be a part of the show. 212-433-TCB. That's 12-12-4333. TCB. Toll free from anywhere in the the world. Text us or leave us a message. Tell us you want to be on the show. Tell us why you want to be on the show. Someone will get back to you and set up a time and a date. I can't wait till we do that. I know. We're doing. We're starting next week. What? We're recording next week. So, yeah, also tcbpodcast.com. that's where you go. More information about the show. All the audio, all the video right there at one location. You can also get your free sticker by hitting the Contact Us button. Add the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on Tick Tock and select episodes for right now on YouTube.com the commercial break. All right, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I think so.

[Brian Green]

But I'll tell you that I love you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I love you.

[Brian Green]

I'll say best to you, best to you. Best to all those parents out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I always say, we do say, and we must say goodbye. Sam. Sa.