The Quantum Witch

Summary

The Commercial Break – "The Quantum Witch"

Episode Date: April 25, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley

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Episode Overview

This improv-comedy episode finds Bryan and Krissy spiraling from wild personal anecdotes into a chaotic, irreverent riff on quantum computing, music history, and the absurdities of modern pop culture. With their signature high-energy, deliberately disjointed style, they blend real discussion (Coachella, Rolling Stone’s top songs) with fantastical improvisation—the highlight being Bryan's recurring “Quantum Witch” bit, which delivers the least helpful (and most hilarious) explanation of quantum computing imaginable. The hosts also offer commentary on drug culture, AI in podcasting, and the unmatchable weirdness of their own show.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Wild Tangents: Meth, Orgies, and Eyebrow Tattoos

• Meth-fueled stories: Bryan recounts being invited to a crystal meth orgy involving chiropractors. He humorously discusses missing the opportunity and riffing on odd behaviors linked to meth use, like tattooing eyebrows and paranoia about bugs.
  • Quote (Bryan, 04:09): “If someone's gonna take my anus cherry, let it not be under these circumstances with a very beefy, messed up chiropractor...”
• Tattooed eyebrows: Inspired by the Netflix prison series "Lockdown," Krissy wonders if tattooed eyebrows are a meth thing. Bryan connects this to behavior in the movie Bug.

2. Music & Festival Hot Takes

• Coachella mockery: Bryan finds current Coachella trends bizarre, poking fun at Paris Hilton playing cornhole with Vampire Weekend and celebrity “cameos” at the festival.
  • Quote (Bryan, 13:03): "Is this what you pay $10,000 for...to have Paris Hilton throw some beanbags with Vampire Weekend?"
• Rolling Stone’s Top 20 Songs: The hosts debate (and riff relentlessly on) the Rolling Stone list, offering their own opinions and mocking some inclusions.
  • Quote (Bryan, 18:31): “You know how he [Prince] came up with Purple Rain...He opens for Bob Seger and he wants to write a real rock song…He comes up with Purple Rain. What does that even mean? No one knows. It doesn’t even matter because…it’s the music...”
• Nostalgia & Prince: Extended, reverent discussion about Prince’s genius, especially live performances—his “musical god” status.
  • Quote (Bryan, 15:08): "The older I get, the more I believe that Prince may be the closest thing we'll ever see to a musical entity..."

3. AI and Quantum Computing Absurdism

• AI authenticity pledge: Bryan “promises” there will never be an AI Commercial Break episode, before diving into a satirical “explanation” of quantum computing.
  • Quote (Bryan, 45:56): “You can be assured...we are 100% authentic. No AI ever. Because…not even the...quantum computers could mimic the mediocre comedy that we're putting together here.”
• Quantum Witch Bit: Bryan invents the “Quantum Witch,” personifying the convoluted, mystical, and entertainingly nonsensical nature of public quantum computing explanations.
  • Quote (Bryan as Quantum Witch, 47:28):

    “Have you ever heard of wizardry? That's what it is. Bigfoot and Chupacabra get together and they fuck and they have a little baby…we stir it up with some atoms and wah-BAM—quantum computing!”

• Real vs. Fake Explanations: The hosts attempt—but rapidly abandon—explaining quantum computing seriously, leading back to comic nonsense and schtick.
  • Quote (Krissy, 53:51): “Yeah, I'm even looking it up too and yeah, it's very hard to explain.”

4. Pop Culture, Drugs, and (More) Music

• Drug culture detours: Frequent references to the prevalence of substances like meth, Ritalin, and cocaine; musings on how closely “legal” substances can resemble street drugs.
• Tangential “Top 10” Songs: The hosts comically invent their own “all-time” best songs lists, inserting bands like Poison, Warrant, and Smash Mouth as a parody of subjective music rankings.
• Music Videos: Brief reflection on the best music videos (“Thriller”, “Jeremy”, Aerosmith videos)—leading to a comparison of ‘90s MTV culture to today’s trends.

5. Listener Interaction & Show Authenticity

• Audience callouts: Encouraging listeners to interact, especially to ask questions to the Quantum Witch in future episodes (59:01).
• Meta-humor: They frequently break the fourth wall about the nature of their content, the challenge of creating “real” comedy in an increasingly AI-saturated environment, and their delight in creating unpredictable, irreproducible weirdness.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Meth Orgies:
  Bryan (04:09): “If someone's gonna take my anus cherry, let it not be under these circumstances with a very beefy, messed up chiropractor…”

• On Prince’s Genius:
  Bryan (15:08): “The older I get, the more I believe that Prince may be the closest thing we'll ever see to a musical entity, like a musical God…clearly channeling some kind of power out there in the universe.”

• On Coachella Absurdity:
  Bryan (13:03): "Is this what you pay $10,000 for...to have Paris Hilton throw some beanbags with Vampire Weekend?"

• On Quantum Computing (Quantum Witch Bit):
  Bryan (as Quantum Witch, 47:28):

  “Have you ever heard of wizardry? That's what it is. Bigfoot and Chupacabra get together and they fuck and they have a little baby…we stir it up with some atoms and wah-BAM—quantum computing!”

  Bryan (49:17):

  “Now you can see tits on porn 3.5 times clearer. Look at those nipples. That’s 8K technology.”

• On AI and Podcasting:
  Bryan (45:56): “You can be assured...we are 100% authentic. No AI ever. Because…not even the...quantum computers could mimic the mediocre comedy that we're putting together here.”

• On Rolling Stone’s Song Rankings:
  Bryan (21:45): “Aretha Franklin. Respect. Great song. Don’t, I have a lot of respect for respect. Don’t disrespect the respect, but...Purple Rain would have been in that top five for sure."

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Meth Orgy Story & Eyebrow Tattoos: 02:08–05:56
• Coachella Riff (Paris Hilton, Vampire Weekend): 11:54–14:20
• Prince Reverence & Music Hot Takes: 14:20–21:45
• Rolling Stone Top 20 Banter: 24:09–36:14
• DIY "Top 10" Song Lists (Parody): 36:01–40:14
• AI/Podcasting Promise: 44:58–45:58
• First Quantum Witch Bit: 47:28–49:40
• (Attempted) Real Quantum Computing Explainer: 49:53–54:05
• Final Quantum Witch Improvisation: 54:41–58:56
• Audience Callout: Ask the Quantum Witch: 59:01–60:13

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Tone & Style

The tone is riotously unscripted, irreverent, and self-aware. Bryan and Krissy oscillate between sincere awe (of Prince, for example) and hyperbolic parody, making the factual and surreal indistinguishable for comedic effect. There’s a running gag about their own show being “mediocre” but “irreplicable,” and a meta-commentary on authenticity in a digital, AI-flooded world. The humor is mature, occasionally crude, and always fast-paced.

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Summary Takeaways

• Absurd improv is this episode’s real star, showcased by the “Quantum Witch” and tangential storytelling.
• Cultural criticism (of music, AI/tech, and festivals) is delivered with maximal irreverence and zero formality.
• The Commercial Break remains “just FINE”—funny precisely because it can’t be re-created, especially not by AI, or even, perhaps, by themselves.

Best for listeners who:

• Enjoy rapid-fire comedy, parody, and meta-humor over structure.
• Like their pop culture deep-dives mixed with total nonsense.
• Appreciate podcasts that bring out the chaotic weirdness and real banter of longtime best friends.

Transcript

[A]

In a house fire, what item would 8% of Australians run back in to save first? 8% is low. I'd say 100% would run back in to save a child, but only 8% would run back in to save a redheaded child. Don't go.

[B]

Please, Luke.

[A]

Luke, don't go. Redhead children are actually immune to fire. So. On this episode of the commercial break.

[B]

I take my hole and I stick it toward the sun and I say, rarf.

[C]

Rarp.

[B]

Magic fart. Make me a quantum computer. And wha.

[A]

Bam.

[B]

Now you can see tits on porn 3.5 times clearer. Look at those nipples. I suck up every Instagram post with a nipple on it, and all of a sudden.

[C]

That's quantum.

[B]

Yes, Quantum computing. That's right.

[A]

The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah. Cats and kids. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is the co host of this Crystal Meth Powered podcast, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.

[C]

To you, Brian.

[A]

Quick, quick, before I take apart the TV and put it back together or.

[C]

Get your eyebrows tattooed.

[A]

Ooh, eyebrows tattooed.

[C]

The reason I say this is because Jeff and I have gotten into watching this show on, I think it's Netflix.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

It's lockdown. Have you seen this?

[A]

No.

[C]

It's where they open up, they start reintroducing privileges to the prisoners. Oh, in an experiment. Oh, I think it's happening out in Arkansas. Did happen. So anyways, we're, you know, about halfway through, but there's, you know, some of these prisoners are, you know, they, they have interesting looks. One of them, it's a man's prison. One of them has very tattooed eyebrows.

[A]

On it and thought, hell no.

[C]

How did that happen? And Jeff said, meth. And I said, is that what you do on meth?

[A]

Yeah. There's a lot of interesting things that I think you do on meth. One of them is orgies. I know that I've been really. Okay, you remember I went to the chiropractor orgy, crystal meth, where they were smoking crystal meth and doing crystal meth as if was something you just do on a Tuesday afternoon. Like, hey, we're all going to get naked and whack each other off. Do you remember that, that story?

[C]

I don't remember the it, but I remember you telling the story.

[A]

Yeah. You went to a pool party, and the pool party went back to an apartment. And then when we got to the apartment, women started getting undressed. And then someone. And then I. It was this, like, weird smell and Then I just realized that everyone was just doing meth because then they offered meth to me. I said, thanks, I'll take, I'll take a pass on that.

[C]

I'm good.

[A]

Yeah, I'm good. And then I, I, you know, some of the girls were pretty. There was like three or four women and two guys. Three. Chiropractors are hot. Yeah, if you're hot. But you don't want to go through all the education of a doctor, just become a chiropractor. You can crack people's back, smoke crystal meth, have an orgy. You have none of those, you know, people worried about what you're doing all the time with the regular medical science. But I do love, I do attend chiropractic. I do, too. My chiropractor, I'm 99% sure has nothing to do with crystal meth.

[C]

Yeah, no, I don't think mine does either.

[A]

No. But it was a wild day. It really was a wild day. It sounds like, yeah, I decided against getting involved in the orgy, but, you know, I could have just as easily.

[C]

You might have. Might as well.

[A]

I think I probably should have. You know, these are opportunities that you miss and you look back on and you go, well, shit, I should have never left when I had those two models staying at the Olympics. I should have never left for beer because I never got back into the room. I never got back into the threesome after I left. Never got back in. They just took it the rest of the way. I probably should have had sex with the cry. I could have declined the meth but stayed for the sex.

[C]

But maybe you needed the meth to.

[A]

Get into the sex. Well, I think some of the guys were looking at me a little weird too. And I just decided, nah, not today. Someone's gonna take my cherry, let it not be today. If someone's gonna take my anus cherry, let it not be under these circumstances with a very beefy, messed up chiropractor who's gonna fuck me from behind, and then I'm gonna need him to crack my back to get it all straightened out again. Yeah. But you know, I've been in some weird situations where I thought, well, I could have done that differently. I could have done that differently. There was a one time.

[C]

Hindsight's 20 20.

[A]

Yeah. There's the one time we went down to the New Orleans Jazz Fest and decided that rather than stand in the two and a half hour line, cab ride, cab line, that I would pick somebody that had a porch in the Lower Ninth Ward. That was sitting on their porch and ask them for a ride. Oh, they were happy to offer the ride. And then the seven people that were with me, we all packed into this, like, you know, 1988 Yukon, and the guy literally had a gun right there in his console. This is back before guns were a thing you would just carry around. Right. And that's not too long ago. So that's. That's really crazy. But everybody was so scared. But I wasn't, because I was drunk and high and I was like, this guy's friendly. Look at him, he's fine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's a couple things I would. I would have done differently. And probably the meth sex was one of the things I would have done differently. I could have made, you know, I could have said no to the. To the anal pounding. I just could have said, hey, listen, I just. Is it okay if I just stick with the girls over here? You guys can watch. Feel free to do whatever you want. Just not in my line of sight, if you don't mind. I'd like to keep tits in my line of sight. That'll be good.

[C]

But you didn't see any eyebrow tattooing happening.

[A]

No eyebrow tattooing, but meth heads, I think they do. You know, I think they get into, like, a weird space.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I've seen a lot of television shows and I've been around some people who are doing meth, they like to take things apart and put it back together.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

That's the thing.

[C]

Maybe that was the shaving of the eyebrows and then. And then tattooing on.

[A]

Yeah, I think that's one of the things, too, is, like, you get, like the hair on your body is bugs. Have you seen the movie Bugs now With Michael Sheehan. Is that his name? Let me. I'm going to show you a picture of him. You'll know who he is.

[C]

The guy from the shield?

[A]

No, that's my. I think that's his actual name. Oh, Michael Sheehan, the actor? Yeah. No, that's not him.

[C]

I'm glad. We're actually trying to verify things.

[A]

I've decided I sound like a real fucking idiot all the time. So that even if I have to stop and look it up, I'm going to Michael Shannon, not Sheehan. Close, close. You know, a couple extra E's and an A. Let's see here. If I can show you a picture. This guy, you know that guy, that actor?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Okay. He's always playing like those real creepy, weird dudes in all the movies.

[C]

Yeah, he does.

[A]

Okay, so he's in a movie called Bugs.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And it. It's a real strange movie, and it must have. And think there's some drug use in it. But what it really is is this guy convinces a girl that he's staying with, who's played by. Let me check that one out, too. Ashley Judd. I was about to say Lisa Marie Presley. I think that's right. So Ashley Judd and Michael Shannon, and they get stuck in this house, and for whatever reason, circumstances, kind of like a horror movie. It's kind of like a horror movie because he starts convincing her that there's bugs in her skin, and they start picking each other apart. Like, it's, like, really weird and creepy, but I found entertaining at the time I was watching it. But I think that's also what happens, is you start seeing things that aren't there. And that's why a lot of, I believe crystal meth addicts, they have little spots all over the place because, first of all.

[C]

Yeah, they pick Gabby.

[A]

Yeah. They think they feel like there's bugs crawling on them. And I think that's part of the experience. Yeah, it's part of the experience. It's all part of the crystal meth experience. Here at the commercial break, who doesn't want to pick apart their own liver? Because I feel like there's cockroaches in there. It's probably the Drano doing its work. You know what I'm saying? Yes. It's cleaning things out. Yeah. But, yeah, stay away from the meth, kids. I don't. I don't think it's. It's all that great. But, you know, I say stay away from the meth. And then there are a lot of things that we do in society pharmaceutically that are almost twins to methamphetamines like Ritalin and Adderall and, you know, Vyvanse or whatever that is. And so all that stuff chemically, you know, from a chemical standpoint, is very close. It's very similar in nature to some.

[C]

Of the same ingredients, maybe.

[A]

Absolutely. Novocaine, I think, is like a derivative of cocaine. So that's why when you get that shot of Novocaine, they say you. You might feel, like, out of breath for a second, you know, because we're just get. We're just putting cocaine straight into your gums.

[C]

Makes sense why it numbs it.

[A]

Yeah. So I think a lot of people do weird things on meth, and I don't think shaving off your eyebrows and getting a tattoo is really out of the ordinary.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

In that in that way.

[C]

I don't even know how I thought of that. What were we talking about?

[A]

I really don't have any idea. What were we talking about? How did we get on Crystal? Oh, because I said it's the crystal meth powered co host of this show.

[C]

That spurred my memory.

[A]

Okay, now you're just giving me back.

[C]

It's an interesting show though, that show. And they slowly let people out. You have certain privileges. So they originally start off as like being locked in their cell 23 hours a day. Can you imagine?

[A]

No, I can't. I think that's torture, actually.

[C]

Yeah, 23 hours a day. So the sheriff of this jail, you know, comes in and says, let's, let's open up the doors. He lets them police themselves, work it out themselves. So they have to kind of like, you know, come to. Come to terms and come to an agreement.

[A]

Up. Yeah, not it.

[C]

Up.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So. And it kind of shows them they get phone privileges and they get this.

[A]

So as a guy who has spent time behind bars, I just don't find that I can watch those shows. Yeah, it's. It's too close to home. And I only spent three days there, so it wasn't like I was there for any extended period of time. Yeah, well, no, that's not true. I did spend a little bit more time. I've been twice. And I don't want to get into all the details, but I didn't kill anybody, let's put it that way. It was really having to do more with me driving after, you know, 17 Bud Lights. It was not a good day for me. It was not a don't drink and drive, but Uber's. I'm not excusing it. There's no excuse for my behavior. None. I'll never do it again. I don't even drink anymore. But. And not because of this experience, just because I'm too old. But I'll share with you right now that there is absolutely no reason in 2024 to get behind a wheel after having drinks at all. Wondering. 10 drinks. And I'm not trying to be like, I'm not trying to pontificate here, but I'm just sharing with you. That is real fucking moronic to get behind a wheel after, after drinking, because whether you think so or not, you're not a better driver after you've been drinking.

[C]

No, absolutely true.

[A]

But when we were younger, sometimes the options weren't as clear. Right. It was like, okay, leave my car here all night, take a cab 20 miles back to my Home, then call another cab in the morning. An hour and a half before I know I have to start getting ready for work, and I'm already going to be hungover. Like, there was just these. There was this mental gymnastics going on about why it's okay for me to drive home.

[C]

Right.

[A]

And, you know, I had that bar across the street, right across the street from my house, and nine times out of ten, I just walk there because I was like, you know, I don't even want to take the chance driving across the street, mainly because I'm, you know, I'm like a. A magnet for trouble. So I was like, that. I'm just gonna leave it there. Can we talk about for a second? Because it's just. It's just ending now. Can we talk a minute about Coachella?

[C]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[A]

What is going on with Coachella? Seems like there's a lot of. Like, a lot of weird stuff happens at Coachella. Like, a lot of weird people get to get. You know, we musicians get together in weird ways. There's all these weird stage things that are happening.

[C]

It's always a big event.

[A]

Yeah. I saw Vampire Weekend, and I'm not sure if this was. I don't want to be mistaken for this, but I just saw this reel. I assumed it was at Coachella because it looked like it was at Coachella, that Vampire Weekend is playing at Coachella. Am I right?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

You don't know? I thought you and Jeff are all up on that stuff.

[C]

No, we've got other festivals to think about.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

But I saw some stuff in the news.

[A]

It was at Coachella. Okay, okay, okay. So Vampire Weekend at Coachella, and in the middle of a song, guess who they bring out to play Cornhole while they're playing Paris fucking Hilton. So Paris fucking Hilton comes out, says, that's hot. Starts doing Cornhole, and poorly, I might add, very poorly. Doing Cornhole while they're playing the backbeat of a song. And I'm thinking to myself, what? Why? Is this why you pay $10,000?

[B]

This is what you pay $10,000 for.

[A]

And you buy a whole new wardrobe and you glamp it, and you spend $3,000 a night on some hotel 60 miles away from Coachella. You fly in on your private helicopter. Is this what you pay for? You pay to have Paris Hilton throw some beanbags with Vampire Weekend? Yeah. It seems so strange. I don't know. Not that I would. I would love to be gifted a free ticket to Coachella so I could experience it, but I don't think I'm paying for Coachella because it's so terribly expensive. And what it seems like is a little bit of an overblown fashion show. That's what it seems like to me. Everybody goes there dressed to the nines, all in those bikinis we're getting so upset about. Right. They all go there for two separate weekends, and then they see some very popular artists. I mean, Coachella does. Usually does that.

[C]

I would have gone to the Beyonce one. I really liked her performance.

[A]

Oh, you did? Now they. Now I think they stream Coachella for free or something on YouTube.

[C]

I think so. Yeah.

[A]

But. So I was just like. I'm Googling around to see what are the, like, iconic Coachella performances, what's going on this year that Paris Hilton and beanbags have been beat out by in previous years? Well, you know, almost everybody that's anybody has played Coachella at some point, but what I saw was Prince doing Radioheads Creep.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

In like, 2017 or something. When did Prince die? 2018. Yeah. When did he die? No, no, it was like, 2020, wasn't it?

[C]

No, no, no, no. It was before then. 16, 17.

[A]

Prince, Coachella, 2008. So I only got it off. I was only off by 10 years.

[C]

Well, that's when he played Coachella. But you were saying, when did he die?

[A]

Oh, I don't know. When he died. Yeah, he died. Prince, 15.

[C]

I want to think 15. For some reason.

[A]

Death, 2016. 16 is when he died. Okay. 57 years old. Such a young guy.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

But I watched that performance, and I'm like, incredible.

[C]

Yeah, he was just incredible. I mean, like, I. I don't. It's hard to beat.

[A]

The older that I get, the more that I'm starting to believe that Prince may be the closest thing we'll ever see to a musical entity, like a musical God, like someone who was clearly channeling some kind of power out there in the universe, some creative force, something at every performance that he gave. And he gave a lot of them, but most of them are not on celluloid. You cannot watch them anywhere because he would do it up at his compound. Right. He would just show up on stage on a Thursday night with all the other musicians that were just hanging around his compound, and they would just play a set or 2 or 10 or whatever it was.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And sometimes he was known to turn off, like, I've heard this story before, that someone went and saw him, and he requested that all the lights be turned off in the entire facility except for the Exit signs. And he played the entire show with the lights off. But when you are that good at playing the music, you don't need the lights, right?

[C]

And then he's played every instrument.

[A]

He. He's just. And he plays guitar so much better than most of the people we would normally associate with great guitar players. Like, you know, I think, you know, I think of a lot of great guitar players. Like, let's just name the. The ones that are in the lexicon, like Slash or David Gilmore or, you know, Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix. But he just blows the dick off those guys. Honestly. He blows the dick off.

[C]

Yeah, he.

[A]

And he doesn't even look. He doesn't even look at the guitar and he's just like. But the thing that I think makes that more impressive is that he does it in a way that is so incredibly creative, soulful, and always in the pocket, never missing a beat.

[D]

Yeah, it's.

[A]

He. It's a lot of times he's playing the guitar, which is one hand, but it sounds like he's strumming the instrument.

[B]

He's so good.

[A]

57 years, you know, I haven't been on earth that long, but to. To have known him, I guess in the 80s when I was just a child, and his music was first coming out, you know, Purple Rain and all that stuff. Like, I always thought his music was really good, but I don't think I've really started to appreciate it except for the last 20 years, maybe. And in the last five years, every live performance I see on YouTube is another. Oh, yeah, stunning event. Stunning event.

[C]

True.

[A]

He has a video out there. You guys can Google it. It's on YouTube. He. He is playing Purple Rain in Milwaukee. He comes out, he is dressed in God knows what. I mean, the guy is like four foot one, dressed in like some silver garb that, you know, he comes out.

[C]

Like, oh, yeah, I loved his costumes.

[A]

Yeah, he comes out literally like Queen Elizabeth. You know, he walks out, people are like, you know, bowing to him and stuff like that. 20, 80, 100,000 people in the audience, who knows? And he plays like a 10 and a half minute version of Purple Rain. And oh, my word, I get chills, like, on my balls. Honestly, my entire body goes numb because I can't even describe or understand what kind of musical genius is coming through his vocals, his fingertips, those tiny little shoes he had. I mean, the guy was just amazing in every sense of the word. And again, we can have his.

[C]

His colors there with our.

[A]

Yeah, we do purple. Look at that. And you know how he Came up with Purple Rain. He was on tour. I think he was on tour with Bob Seeger. He was like, opening for Bob Seger back in the day. And he opens for Bob Seger and he wants to write a real rock song. He decides, I want to write a real rock song like Bob Seger, like Night Train or something like that, you know, a Night Moves or whatever it is, you know, Come on.

[B]

Night Move.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Bob Seeger, another underrated artist, I think. And that other guy.

[B]

What would you do if I sing out of tune?

[A]

Would you stand up and walk out on feet?

[C]

I think I watched a documentary about him. I can't remember his name.

[A]

Joe Cocker.

[C]

Joe Cocker, yes. He didn't write any of his songs.

[A]

No. Why would he? Why would he? Yeah. When you could go out there and scream at the top of your lungs and move like a man who's been electrocuted. I mean, what else? I'm trying not to sing all the key.

[B]

Ah, there, you know.

[A]

But the one thing Joe Cocker did, I was a finisher. Prince. The one thing Joe Cocker did that impresses me more than anything is he wrote one of the. Or he sang one of the most beautiful love songs ever, which is, you.

[B]

Are so beautiful to me. Can you see?

[A]

And I'm like, wow, where did that falsetto voice come from? I think he. I think he had like electric underpants on. I really do. And they just turn it up every once in a while. Where did that come from?

[C]

Electric underpants.

[A]

He goes from Bob Singer to Michael Jackson in one key. He's like, do me. It's so gorgeous. It's lovely.

[D]

It is.

[A]

So he was right. So he said, I want to write a real rock song. I want to, like, rock it out, right? And he comes up with Purple Rain. Purple Rain? What does that even mean? No one knows. It doesn't even matter because it's. It doesn't matter what he's saying. It doesn't matter. The lyrics, because the music is the. The music is the thing, right? And the way that he sings it is the thing. And you can't distance yourself from that by putting meaning to those lyrics. Put whatever meaning you want. It's really about what he's playing, what he's doing, what he. How he's singing. That's the true inspiration. That is the creative moment. And I'm sorry to Bob Seeger, which I think is a fine rock and roll star, but Prince took your song or took your, you know, inspiration and turned it into something world class. I mean, one of the best songs maybe ever written. Purple Rain. Yeah. I was reading the Rolling Stone and this how I got on all this was. I was reading the rolling stones top 500 songs of all times as voted on by a number of producers, artists, and it's all horseshit. I don't believe. I mean, I. Subjective. I certainly agree with a lot of the songs that are in the top 500. I certainly agree with that. And Aretha Franklin's Respect was number one, but then Purple Rain was like number 19. And I'm like, nah, nah, nah. Yeah. I mean, you gotta put Purple Rain in the top 10, right? You got to put Purple Rain.

[C]

I think so.

[A]

You can't get away. Aretha Franklin. Respect. Great song. Don't. I have a lot of respect for respect. Don't a disrespect, the respect, but in my personal and humble opinion, Purple Rain would have been in that top five for sure. Yeah, you would have. You would have not liked the top five if I would have told you. You would have not liked the top five, I'm telling you right now.

[C]

Well, again, it's subjective and some things don't even compare to others. They're not in the same group.

[A]

No. Let me see here.

[C]

So you're telling me that Princess Purple Rain was better than Will Smith coming out a good.

[A]

Oh, that's the other one. That's the other one I wanted to talk about. What are we doing? What are you doing? You just paid $10,000 to be at a music festival. I have seen better music. I have seen less weird musical coincidences or coinciding at my local arts festival, Coachella. I mean, it is so weird. Why did Will Smith come out and sing? I guess he's gotta. I guess he's gotta make his comeback somewhere, huh? After slapping Chris Rock, I wanted to share with you the top 10 songs. You know what we'll do? Let's take a break and I'll share with you the top 10 songs. What do you think? You want to go through?

[C]

Let's do it.

[A]

All right, so what I have to do first is I have to ask you, is it okay if we take a break?

[C]

Say yes, and then we'll be right back.

[A]

Okay. We'll be back.

[D]

Well, thank the baby Jesus. Brian took a breath. And now I will use this opportunity to let you know that we've got a brand new phone number. That's right. It's 212-4333, TCB. And you can text us anytime you want or you can call and leave us a voicemail. And we might just use your message on the show once Brian gets through all the messages he missed last year, of course. Anyway, you can also find and DM us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok, CBpodcast. And of course, all of our audio and video is easily found on tcbpodcast.com Now, I'm going to thank G one more time that we have sponsors. So thank G. And here they are.

[A]

Okay. And we're back, and we're talking about music. Okay, let me actually go. Why don't I go through the top 20 here real quick? You ready?

[C]

Yeah, let's do it.

[A]

Number 20, Robin. Dancing on my own from 2010. Do you even remember this song? I don't either. Let me. Hold on.

[C]

This is of all time.

[A]

This is of all time. I have never even heard that song.

[C]

I've heard it. It's a good song.

[A]

You know, the funny thing is, I ran through this entire list over the course of two nights, right? And as soon as I read the name, I could sing the song of 95% of those songs. So they're generally very popular songs, right? In the consciousness, this in the lexicon. But I don't. I don't even remember hearing the song. Not once. I did. You did?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, you're more of a club girl than I am.

[C]

Right?

[A]

You're not a club girl. Don't tell me you're a club girl. No, no.

[B]

Half song only. Drop the next song.

[A]

Number 19, John Legend. Imagine. Of course. Of course. That deserves the top 20 spot. I agree there. Number 18, Purple Rain. Number 18. 18. You got it. There could be no one in front of that. It should be number eight at the least. Number 17, Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody.

[C]

That's a great one.

[A]

I agree with that. Okay. That's a very popular song. Number 16, Crazy Love by Beyonce featuring Jay Z. Crazy in love. Excuse me.

[C]

Number if I'm gonna go top 20 of all time.

[A]

No, I don't think so. But that's my personal taste.

[C]

Yeah, right, exactly.

[A]

So I like the song. I think it should be in the top 500.

[C]

It's a great song.

[A]

Should be in the top 100. I agree. Okay, but not number in the top 20. Number 16. I don't know. The Beatles. I want to hold your hand. I can think of better Beatles songs.

[C]

I can, too.

[A]

It's like, they're 50s, Bibby Boppy, you know, Fibsy Bobsy twins. I don't like that. No? How about Eleanor Rigby?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

She came in through the bathroom window.

[A]

Number 14, the Kinks, Waterloo Sunset. Now, I know this song, but I guarantee that most people do not know Waterloo Sunset by the Kinks. Do you know it?

[C]

I like the Kinks.

[A]

I love the Kinks.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Let's see here. I'm trying to see if I could play a little bit of it here for you, because I don't want the audience to go, what the. What the. Brian? Okay, well, it's not working. So off. The Rolling stones are number 13 with give me Shelter, which is a fantastic song. I can see the top 25. Certainly that deserves a top 25. Certainly. In my opinion. Stevie Wonder, superstition at number 12. I don't disagree with this. You. Everybody knows Superstition.

[C]

The great song.

[A]

Yeah. I think just the amazing bass line that he's playing with the keyboard there, that's. If that doesn't make you get up at a wedding, throw up on your shoes, and have sex with your best friend's wife, then I don't know what will. The Beach Boys, God Only knows, is number 11. Okay. I think the Beach Boys have some songs that deserve top 50, for sure. Y. I don't know if God Only Knows is the one.

[C]

I don't know if that's the one I would choose either.

[A]

Time. Okay. That's a good song. I do like that one. All right. But I don't know about number 11. Outcast. Hey yah comes in at number 10. I think this is one of the greatest songs of all time. I agree with its placement. I think so. I think they are. They have. They're like such wall breakers, trendsetters. Like, they were ahead of their time in almost every way. And that hey Ya song, I mean, there wasn't. You couldn't go five fucking seconds.

[C]

No. I remember seeing with my sister in the living room of our apartment, just dancing to it. It was so fun.

[A]

Dare you to remember. I dare you to take time. Time Travel back to 2004 and make it five minutes without hearing that song. Number nine, Fleetwood Mac Dreams. I do like the song Dreams. I don't know if I would agree with number nine. A. Fleetwood Mac should be up there.

[C]

I love reading Autobiography. Fleetwood Mac stuff too.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Who doesn't want to blow a little cocaine up your ass? That's the craziest shit I've ever heard in my entire life. I guess it works though, right? I don't know. Have you tried it?

[C]

I have not tried it.

[A]

Wait, I thought you were the club kid.

[B]

Drop your asshole onto My straw.

[C]

But, like your meth night. Maybe I should have tried it. Looking back.

[A]

Hey, listen, if I could, if I could, if I did one thing wrong, in all of my time with hard drug abuse, it was I never got cocaine blown in my ass. Mainly because I didn't want think anybody wanted to see my ass and certainly not be that up close and personal with it. You know what I'm saying? Who wants my hairy ass in their face while they're like, how you feeling, bro? I don't know. I don't know. I need another one. Plus, when I started doing cocaine, I just wanted to do it more and more. So I didn't want it to bother anybody else by being like, hey, can we go to the bathroom real quick? Your mind sticking your nose in my ass again. Maybe I could have combined those two things and had sex. And while I was having sex with one of those chiropractors, one of the male chiropractors could have just blown crystal meth in my ass. That's where I went wrong with this. Number eight, Missy Elliot, get your freak on.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I like it. I like it. We all remember it. Yeah. I think certainly one of the more memorable songs of all time for sure, that. That little ditty right there. Number seven. The Beatles come back with Strawberry Fields Forever. I mean, who are the people who are making these decisions? Of all the great songs the Beatles have written, Strawberry Fields Forever.

[B]

It really is.

[A]

Number six, Marvin Gaye's what's Going On. And this I agree with 100. Yeah. You have to put this in there. Yeah. It's such a. I mean, I don't know, because I wasn't alive when the song came out, but there was so much political turmoil and civilization, rights unrest in this country and so much going on on the back of the Vietnam War.

[C]

Encapsulates time.

[A]

Yeah. And he did it in a way that's just so smooth and sultry that, you know, I think I've made love to what's Going On.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Which is probably not why he wrote the song, but, you know, he probably didn't write it.

[C]

Get it on.

[A]

Yeah. No, I think I made love to what's Going on. Not let's Get it on, but what's Going on, which, you know, that's like Donald Trump wanting to play Born in the USA by Bruce Springsteen. You ever heard the song, you numb nuts? It's not about being proud to be born in the usa Nirvana smells like Teen Spirit comes in at number five. Now I'm gonna.

[C]

Nirvana always Comes in in the top, they do.

[A]

And I'm gonna give you a hot take here. I don't think Nirvana's catalog has aged as well as a lot of other rock bands that might be considered, you know, top 100 or whatever. I don't think it's aged as well. Smells Like Teen Spirit will always be emblazoned into my mind. I will always get a feeling when that song comes on of being, oh yeah, 14 years old, riding around in older kids cars and smoking cigarettes. And that time in my life when it really. That song was talking to us directly and we felt it and we knew it and we connected with it. But I don't feel that Smells Like Teen Spirit is one of the top 10 greatest songs ever written. I feel like it is nostalgically one of those songs you have to put in there, but I'm not sure that it, like, holds up to a lot of the other songs that are in this top 500, if you will. If you don't mind and don't mind. Okay, thanks. Bob Dylan, Like a Rolling Stone is number four.

[C]

Just gotta.

[A]

I think you just have to give it to him. He's old, you know, you just have to say, hey, listen, I know you're on the backside, but hey, look, look. Number four on top 500 songs. But I do like that song for sure. Number three, Sam Cooke. A Change is Gonna Come.

[C]

Oh, that's another one that I agree. Yeah. Politically. Okay, listen, I love Sam Cooke. I love all of.

[A]

But I'm Afraid to Die. Oh, just those lyrics. It's been too hard living. But I'm Afraid to Die. Jeez, Sam Cooke, his voice is so good. Yeah, he just gets into your gut, you know what I'm saying?

[C]

Yeah. We bought like a vinyl box set of his a few years ago and we play it quite frequently.

[A]

It's. That's like. I don't know. He gets into my gut like Sam Cook, that voice, it's like eating a bunch of Taco Bell before you go on swimming. It's like, you know, you get bubbly gut, he just rips you apart. That voice is amazing. Number two, you ready for this? Public Enemy, Fight the Power Again, A song that is of the time, of the moment. Still very prescient today, by the way. But Fight the Power was a song that took the young world by storm when it came out in 1990, I think. 1989. 1990. And I was all in on Public Enemy, Africa Bombada. That's. Brian was wearing the brightly colored Africa cutouts on necklaces on the weekends until I was told by somebody to stop wearing those. You're like a fucking moron. By a black guy. Nonetheless, he was like, stop that. You look like a fucking moron. I was like, what? What? Public Enemy.

[B]

He does it.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Fight the power in your white suburban neighborhood. But it was certainly a song of the moment.

[C]

It's still a great song.

[A]

Oh, it's fantastic.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But, I mean, I know most of you heard two.

[C]

Number two, though.

[A]

Number two, I don't know.

[C]

It was 1989.

[A]

The reason why I'm playing this, not through the actual thing, is because I don't want then all these record companies to then try and get me to take this episode down. So I'm just. That's why I'm sharing that.

[C]

You gotta bop your head to that. And it's got some great lyrics.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I love Chuck D. Yeah.

[A]

I think I heard Chuck D. Say one time. He's like, I knew we really made it when most of the audience was white.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And young white kids. He's like. But that's also, you know, a sign that we were on our way out, too. And. And. Yeah. Okay. And number one, Aretha Franklin's Respect.

[C]

A fantastic song.

[A]

I have respect for Respect, but I'm just not entirely sure I wouldn't put it number one.

[C]

Well, that's the. Maybe we need to come up with our.

[A]

You want to. You want to go with top 10 songs of all time?

[C]

Not right now.

[A]

Why? Just wing it. We're on a show.

[C]

I need to think about it.

[A]

You don't need to think about it. Just do it. Okay. I'll help you. Ready?

[C]

You've already said Prince.

[A]

I already said Prince. So I'm going to put. I'm going to put Prince's Purple Rain. I'm going to put that at number five. But let me go from ten down. Okay. Are you ready?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Number ten, White Snake. No, I'm kidding.

[C]

Molly Groove.

[A]

Poison. Unskinny Bop.

[C]

I felt like that was Poison.

[A]

Oh, it wasn't. Was that. Yeah, it was.

[C]

Was it?

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Was it? I don't know. Who was it?

[C]

Like, Warrant or something?

[A]

Oh, Warrant. That's right. Okay. Warrant. Unskinny Bop Shows you how much I know about poison and war Unskin it.

[C]

Pop blows you away.

[B]

Skinny Number nine.

[A]

Aerosmith Loving an elevator. Number eight. Corey Hames.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, God, he's the king the king of the comeback King I'm the king the comeback King what was the Motley.

[C]

Crew we reviewed that time?

[A]

Wow. Yeah. Wow.

[B]

When I get high get high on speed Rubbing on my dick in a 1, 2, 3.

[A]

My go.

[B]

Kickstart my fuck.

[A]

That's number seven. A number six is Regatoni. Get your mama. Get your mama Mama yeah mama.

[C]

Commercial break. Commercial.

[A]

Smash Mouth comes in at number six with whatever. Yeah, whatever song they had Creeds higher is number five. Number four is Sunny side up by 33 penis.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

I'd have to put number two. I don't know. Theme song to Seven Little Johnstons on TLC. I agree. Okay, now we got to come up with number one.

[C]

Number.

[A]

Yeah, number one I think has got to be for sure without any doubt. Bop. So someone put this.

[C]

Also Crash does Dummies. It's got to be in there.

[A]

We just blew the listeners ears out with our incredible harmonizer. Once. Once there was a girl who had no head cuz she was in a really bad car accident.

[C]

Then I never understood that song when it was out.

[A]

Then they sewed it back on. She was okay but they all left it first. They all made fun of her. Oh, oh. Crash down Sylvies. Yeah, I saw the crash. Here's my mom calling for the fifth time this weekend during the show.

[C]

Hey mom.

[A]

Hey mom. Crash as dummies. I, I think if I'm not mistaken they like have a little tour going on.

[C]

They do actually. I know somebody that just went to go see them. They said they were great.

[A]

Oh really? I saw them and it was the worst concert I have ever. I mean not the worst concert I've ever seen scene. But it was pretty bad up there because they had the one song that you knew.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then a bunch of songs you didn't know. And I guess that was just the, you know, I guess that sometimes you have the one hit wonder and you make the mistake of spending that, you know, $80 to go see them and you realize that they're one hit wonders for a reason. You're hoping that things are going to turn out for you in your right way, but you end up spending most of the time drinking and talking to your friends, which is fine. You're at a concert, you're having fun, you're out in the lawn or whatever's going on. But I do remember going out in the lawn and seeing them and I, I don't remember being super impressed by everything.

[C]

Maybe they've gotten better as time's going on.

[A]

Maybe. Yeah. And listen, sometimes it works like that, like you get better with age. I don't know many bands that get better with age. But you know There are some. Listen, Neil Young got better with age. Bob Dylan got better with age. Who else got better with age?

[C]

Prince.

[A]

Prince got better with age. Yeah, he certainly now most of his hits were in his early years, but he got more talented.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

He got up and he's so. He was so pretty. He's just a pretty dude. I'm know. I wish I had skin like that. Chrissy, why can't you give me skin like that? Can't you give me skin like that?

[C]

You might want to talk to your mom.

[A]

I'm not going to talk to my mom about that. She's interrupting my show. How rude. I do want to have my mom on, but I, I, I. Not quite yet. You know, she's going through some health issues, so I want to make sure she's okay before that. So let's do this. I'm going to call my mom. Y' all take a break. Listen to our sponsors. Do us a favor. If they give a specialized URL or code. I just want to share this for one moment because we had someone that was texting us. It was so nice sharing that they had bought a number of products that were on our show that they needed, but that they used our specialized URLs and codes. And I just wanted to share that. That's like, besides, this show was really funny and it helped me through the day or whatever. The second best compliment you get is that you bought from our sponsors because that means that we're doing the job for our sponsors, and those are the people that really keep. Keep us be able to do these many episodes this frequently, quite frankly, now. Well, I'm not gonna, I'm just gonna leave it there. Yeah. Yeah. Find us on the Odyssey app. I love Odyssey. Odyssey, Odyssey, Odyssey. Find us on the Odyssey app. Go download it. All your favorite radio stations, streaming music, and all the podcasts that you could ever want and more. It's our home. It's Odyssey. Go download it on your phone. Or you can.

[C]

I do love that app.

[A]

It is great, actually. It's a really pretty app. I'm. I feel like since we got to the network is when I actually downloaded the odds.

[C]

Me too.

[A]

I had no. And to be honest, I had never thought of it before, but now that I've downloaded it, it's where I listen to the podcast. I'm like, oh, great. I like to listen to myself all the time, 24 hours a day, which is. I like to either. I'm either watching Bluey, watching weird Coachella moments, reading about, looking at Breastfeeding, looking at breastfeeding videos, or arguing with Rolling Stone about the top 500 one of the two. But let's do this. I'll call my mom and I'll talk to her. We'll ask her top favorite five songs. I'm going to guarantee it's gonna be not. It's gonna be Phantom of the Opera, all five songs. Okay, we'll be back. What?

[D]

Oh, hi, it's Christina again, here to remind you to go to tcbpodcast.com for all things audio, video, and TC BDO. Give us a follow on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok @TCB podcast. And guess what? We have a new phone number. I know what you're thinking, but I promise you this is the last TCB phone number you will ever have to remember. So call us and leave us a voicemail or text us at 212-4333, TCB. Once more for the people in the back. That's 212-4333, TCB. Oh, and check out our YouTube channel at YouTube.com thecommercialbreak. That's all for now. Let's listen to our sponsors and get back to the show.

[A]

All right. And we're back. Real quick, just off the top of your head, because I'm curious, now that we've been talking about it, what is your favorite music video of all time?

[C]

Music video.

[A]

Like, what do you think the best music video of all time is?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

Blue has an opinion. Let's let her jump in on this one.

[C]

I mean, I haven't really watched music videos in a long time.

[A]

I know, but you were like, you're an MTV child. Like, you don't. You can't think of one?

[C]

No. I mean, there were a lot, I guess, maybe, like the Thriller one.

[A]

Tyler was okay. Yeah. I thought that was a little hokey with all the.

[C]

Yeah, it was such a production, such a big deal.

[A]

Yeah. And then they had that guy talking at the beginning. When you come within 10ft, you'll get us all.

[C]

Vince Price. Vincent price.

[A]

Oh, Vince McMahon. That was Vince McMahon, the guy from WWE. He did the read.

[C]

No, he.

[A]

Yeah, no, it was Vince McMahon. Look it up.

[B]

I'm kidding you.

[A]

It's Vince McMahon. I'm going to name the best video of all time is one of two videos that I like from the same band. I think Pearl Jam, Just Jeremy was maybe the best video. Or. Or. Or Loving an Elevator, because I like that video. Jamie's Got a Gun was a good one too.

[C]

11 elevator was good.

[A]

It was a good one.

[C]

Aerosmith had some good videos. Videos.

[A]

Aerosmith did have some good videos. They were hot for a minute there. Like, they were like.

[C]

For a minute, like 40 years.

[A]

Yeah, like 40 years. But I mean, they were hot, like for the young kids for a minute there. Remember, we all just like that. We dove back in and even though they were much older than the average rock star, we were like, oh, they make really good Tom Petty too. Tom Petty. All of a sudden, Tom Petty doesn't have one song.

[B]

Tom Petty doesn't have one song.

[A]

Come on. All American Girls. An American.

[C]

Yeah, that's a great one.

[A]

Okay, so you remember we were talking about the Facebook posts about all of it being AI, Right?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. I just want to make a promise to our listeners right here, right now, there will never ever be AI commercial break episodes. And I think it's. I think it's important to make that distinction because there are some people now that are putting together AI based podcast episodes. Yes.

[C]

It's hard to come up with content.

[A]

Well, I mean, actually it's really not hard to come up with content. You just. I mean, we say that all the time, but the truth is we could probably talk for days about anything. So it's really not. We. We pretend like we stress about it, but I never do because I'm like, I just open the microphone, we'll figure it out. I give myself some guide points and we'll figure it out. But you can be assured when you listen to the commercial break that we are 100 authentic. No AI ever. Because quite frankly, I don't think any computer supercomputer out there right now, not even the top of the best kind of computers, the quantum computers could mimic the mediocre comedy that we're putting together here at the commercial break.

[C]

No, that's true. Nothing could replicate us.

[A]

Nothing could replicate us. Except for maybe a replicant, which is a different thing altogether. That's like a fakey B type thing. And maybe they could. But. But I was watching this thing and what got me started thinking about this was like I was watching this whole thing on quantum computing. Do you understand quantum computing? You're better than I am because I don't understand a fucking thing. I think it's interesting.

[C]

I've been reading about it too. Is it Microsoft? They're putting all this.

[A]

Microsoft, Nvidia, Google, I think Facebook. For what reason? They're getting into quantum computer, probably so they can post more bullshit fake ass posts out there. I'm just really not liking Facebook anymore. Anymore. I really think that Facebook is just trash. I really do. But anyway, the quantum computing is not something that I necessarily understand, but it sounds very exciting.

[C]

What does sound very.

[A]

What is your take on quantum computing? Like, could you explain it in just a couple sentences?

[C]

No.

[A]

Well, then, thanks, everybody, for coming on board.

[C]

Super computer.

[B]

It's a super.

[C]

Smart.

[A]

It's a very fast, super charged.

[C]

It does everything.

[A]

Yes. It's like your MacBook Air, by the way. Two times faster and bigger and bigger. It's like your Android, like your Nokia. Yeah.

[C]

Behind the curtain.

[A]

It's magic science.

[B]

A little bit of this and a little bit of that. It's science. Sure, I'll explain it for you. Have you ever heard of wizardry? That's what it is. Bigfoot and Chupacabra get together and they fuck and they have a little baby, and then they take the fluid from the amniotic sac and they put it into a cauldron and then we stir it up with some atoms and wa.

[A]

Bam.

[C]

Quantum computing.

[B]

Quantum computing. Now you can go into the metaverse and see almost realistic lifelike people with their little heads bobbing up and down like a South park cartoon. It's amazing. You can do Your Google searches 3.5 times faster. Science. I put a little COVID vaccine. I put a COVID vaccine and I take a little bit of Bill Gates eyeball juice and I put it in there with the Chupacabra and the Bigfoot. And then RFK is somehow involved. And then I mix it around.

[C]

Little.

[B]

Stardust, little magic stardust, little meteor from anal sun gazing. I take my sun and I take my hole and I stick it toward the sun and I say, right, right, magic fart, make me a quantum computer. And wa.

[A]

Bam.

[B]

Now you can see tits on porn 3.5 times clearer. Look at those nipples. That's 8K technology. I suck up every Instagram post with a nipple on it, and all of a sudden.

[C]

That'S quantum computing.

[B]

Quantum computing. That's right. Now you'll get your Amazon packages faster with quantum computing.

[C]

That sounds about right.

[A]

But in all seriousness, I think that is what quantum computing is, because I have watched hundreds of videos and I still cannot explain it to you, as most of the. The people who do the videos can't explain it to you in a relatively simple way, because it's not simple. It is incredibly complicated. This has something to do with neurons and protons and how they're at. You know, they're in one state. If you're not looking at them. But if you're looking at them, they're in another state. I think the bottom line is. Let me try and explain it in a little bit. There are particles. Particle physics, right? Astrophysics. Not astrophysics, Astrophysics. Particles.

[C]

We're off to a great start.

[A]

There we go.

[C]

When you look, are you explaining quantum physics?

[A]

Quantum physics.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know if you said astrophysics, I meant quantum physics. Astrophysics, I guess it's all the same. At the end of the day. It's all about asses, I think.

[C]

Stardust.

[A]

Stardust and asses. When you look at a particle apart your like you, you. Let me start here. Everybody has seen a version of the two slot experiment, haven't you? Where they take a light, they sh. Or they shoot particles through two slits and a cardboard piece of cardboard. And the expectation is, is that those particles will land where those two slots are. Like if there's a white sheet behind those two slots, you would expect that all the particles would go through there and they make a nice neat, organized little line. But when they're not being observed, they don't act like that. They end up all over the back of the white sheet. Well, how did they get there? That is, they are not necessarily particles, they are waves. So they are one thing and they are the other.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And they're only one thing or the other if you are observing them or not observing them, which is really strange to think about. Like it's Schrodinger's cat. You put a cat inside of a box. Is it dead or is it alive? When it's in the box, it's actually both. It's dead or alive. You don't know until you observe it. So it could be both. It's both at the same time. It's dead and it's alive or it's licking its balls, I'm not really sure. But in any case, it's doing something in there, right? It's doing or not doing something. So quantum computing uses the, the power of the atom being one thing or the other to not to break the walls of ones and zeros. Now it's not just about ones and zeros. It's about millions of different combinations and possibilities when not observed.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So these quantum computers have to be like at absolute zero, close to absolute zero, the coldest thing ever in, in the universe. And then they have to somehow make those particles move around in a way that it can make a computer. I don't know how, but I really don't. I don't Understand how. But I'm telling you right now, whatever they're doing, it sounds very important.

[C]

It does sound very, very important.

[A]

And apparently it is going to change the course of human history. And now they are getting to the point where these computers are actually usable. They're functional. They're doing calculations. They're doing things that what they call digital computers are already doing at millions, thousands, millions of times faster, better than digital computers can do. And so this is really interesting to me because I'm like, oh, quantum computing, that could change the way we do it. But one person was saying that once quantum computing comes into play, then AI is really going to take off, because the power of AI, the power of AI with the power of a quantum computer, is going to really change the entire world as we know it. And so I just wanted to make a promise to you here that if you turn on an episode of the commercial break one day and it is funny, then you will know that AI has taken over this show and turn it off. Because we'll be back with real episodes just as soon as. Quantum computer. Quantum computing is a fad, just like the Internet was.

[C]

Yeah, I'm even. I'm looking it up, too, and yeah, it's very hard to explain.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, you can't explain it. That's the problem. There's no way to explain.

[C]

Classical physics cannot explain the operation of these quantum devices.

[A]

That is the weirdest part about quantum physics in general to me is that they're even the smartest people in the world. They don't have computers yet that can really understand quantum physics because they don't have the power to. Only a quantum computer could really start to explain quantum physics.

[B]

A little bit of this and a little bit of that. I'm going to throw in Michael Jackson's thriller with Smells Like Teen Spirit for nostalgic purposes. And then Janie's Got a Gun, the 1990s classic by Aerosmith.

[C]

I like this explanation better.

[B]

Then I am taking some tantric yoga. The snake move, where you go like this into your partner's anus, and I'm throwing it into a pot. A soupy pot of Frankie B's avocado.

[A]

Eggs.

[B]

And the Girl with Two Vaginas.

[C]

Mountain monsters.

[B]

Mountain monsters. No, no, I'm sorry. I'll draw the line there. That has nothing to do with quantum physics.

[C]

No, just Buck.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, Buck.

[A]

Fine.

[B]

I'll throw him in his big belly in there, too. And Dr. Nausearadin from 600 pound Life for Good measure. We're going to need Someone to explain this to us. And Dr. Nalzardan is better than anybody at explaining things in his weird affectations. So we mix it all up. We freeze it to absolute zero. We microwave it. We microwave it in a ramen noodle packet. And then quantum physics magic happens. And soon you will know the power of quantum computing. No more dillying or dallying.

[C]

You need to put that. You need to do a little YouTube.

[B]

Oh, don't you worry. Once I get this quantum computer working, I'll take over YouTube. I'll be 40,000 times more powerful than all the YouTube explanations combined. Have you heard of this? Must see that you're doing it wrong the whole time. This is the last video you will ever need. All the clickbait in the world won't stop me.

[C]

The last video you'll ever need?

[B]

Yes. Then my first job is going to be punishing everyone who named their video the last video you will ever need. Because it's not true.

[C]

It is not true.

[B]

Quantum computing has led me to discover that it's not true.

[A]

I needed more videos.

[B]

I tried your way. I tried it your way. Now I'm going to figure out how many more videos I really need. Because you lied to me. You said this is the most definitive explanation of the Challenger disaster ever. And yet I left with more questions. But you did not answer, you silly person. That's what AI's doing to us. It's ruining us. Let's get to quantum level. I'm the quantum witch. And I'll be back, you pretties. I'll be back. I'll be back with more simple explanations.

[C]

The last one you'll ever need.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

This will be the last one you ever need. Once I get my quantum computer working, I'll get it to literally go into your brain and explain all of it. It'll be like an ayahuasca trip for years.

[A]

That's what the quantum computer needs. Little ayahuasca. Get it on its way.

[C]

You know that some of that in there for sure.

[A]

Put all 90 episodes of Bluey into a cauldron, mix it up with some ayahuasca, and you'll figure out the keys to life.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. What fun we have here at the commercial. You can't manufacture. You can't replicate this with a AI. It's just not gonna happen. No, no. This is pure gold. Pure comedy gold. Here. Oh, my gosh. I was laughing so hard the back of my ears hurt.

[C]

I think my cheeks are.

[A]

Maybe it's that weird voice I was making. But the Quantum Witch will be back.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

I promise you. That's not the. I think that one's a keeper.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Quantum Witch. She's coming back. Oh, my God. Gosh. All right, you want to talk to the Quantum witch here on the show? Ask her a question. I'd be happy to oblige. All you got to do is let us know you'd like to be on the show. What would you like to ask the Quantum Witch? Tell me in a text message. 212-4333.

[C]

Those things at the fair thing. And it gives you a reading.

[B]

No, not today. Keep trying. You can do anything you put your mind to.

[A]

I always felt gypped by those things anyway. 4212 4333. TCB. That's 212-4333. TCB. Text us. Let us know you want to be on the show. What do you want to ask the Quantum Witch? Just text it to us. Someone will get back to you. And schedule a time to come on the program. Add the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on tick tock and YouTube.com the commercial break. Also, visit the website tcbpodcast.com all the video, all the audio, and your free sticker at the contact us button. All right, Chrissy, I guess that's all the quantum computing explanations I can give for you today.

[C]

The only one you'll need.

[A]

Yeah, that's right.

[B]

The only one.

[A]

I love you.

[C]

I love you.

[B]

Best to you and best to you in the podcast quantum universe. Until next time.

[A]

We always say, we do say, and.

[B]

We must say, say goodbye.

[A]

Sa.