The Scuzzy-Guy Special

Summary

The Commercial Break – "The Scuzzy-Guy Special"

Date: February 16, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green & Kristen Joy Hoadley

---

Overview

This episode of The Commercial Break centers on Bryan’s truly bizarre and awkward experience at a new massage place, humorously labeled the "Scuzzy-Guy Special." With trademark comedic banter, Bryan and Krissy dissect every cringe-worthy detail, from minimalist strip-mall vibes and interrogation-like lobbies to the harrowing discovery of latex gloves mid-massage. Alongside Super Bowl commentary and an offbeat deconstruction of contemporary “vibes,” listeners get a front-row seat for a disastrous wellness adventure that unexpectedly morphs into a comedic masterclass on what not to expect from a massage.

---

Key Discussion Points

1. Post-Super Bowl Chatter (00:34–04:21)

• Super Bowl Recap: The hosts briefly touch on the “Taylor Swift Super Bowl” (00:34) and congratulate Patrick Mahomes and the team (01:05). Bryan admits, “I like college [football] much more. What a game. You can't argue” (01:39).
• Halftime Show: Krissy is a big Usher fan, while Bryan offers mixed reviews (01:44–02:02):

  “They automatically ranked it number seven out of all the top 35.”

• Halftime Show Rankings: They reminisce about past performers (“Why in the fuck did Black Eyed Peas play this Super Bowl?” – Bryan, 02:03; “Fergie, Fergie. She's terrible live.” – Bryan, 02:21) and agree with AV Club’s decision to name Prince’s iconic rain-soaked set as #1 (03:21).
• Commercials: Krissy found the ads underwhelming with Michael Cera’s Cerave spot as a rare standout (04:02).

2. Bryan’s “Massage from Hell” Story

The Setting: Off-Vibes Strip-Mall Spa (04:21–07:30)

• Appointment Time vs. The Game: Bryan skips the first half of the Super Bowl for a massage, scheduled by his wife, Astrid (04:50).
• Eerie Lobby: He describes entering a massive nearly-empty lobby:
  • One chair, one desk, “not a magazine, not a book, nothing... just one chair” (06:24).
  • No music, just “quiet as a mouse.”
  • Bryan jokes: “Now I am under investigation for being the creep who comes on Super Bowl Sunday at 7 pm” (07:30).
  • Only a single, spotlight-style pendant lamp over the lone chair.

The Awkward Waiting Game (07:30–12:11)

• Membership Hard-Sell:
  “Here comes the sales pitch for the membership that I don’t need, that I don’t want...I don’t know what’s going on in here. It could be, you know, jack shack.”—Bryan (09:14)
• Tedious Delay:
  Despite his 7:00 pm appointment, the massage therapist arrives late and seems confused:
  • “She just stands there like this, standing there looking at, just looking around...Is she just standing there? Chrissy. A good 60 seconds, no one said anything really.” (12:11)

The Bizarre “Mud Room” Interview (13:16–16:03)

• Instead of heading straight to a private massage room, Bryan is ushered into a “mud room” (a big bench, hooks, towels) where the therapist conducts a 12-question massage history interview:

  “My massage history is I know how to get a massage. I lay there, you do it. That’s it. What else do we need to know?” (14:28)

• Therapist: Soft-spoken to the point he wonders if she’s “starting the vibe.”
• She refuses to extend the massage, citing an 8pm closing (15:01).

The Dreaded Strip-Mall "Sheet City" (16:03–20:13)

• Enormous, Odd Layout:
  • Football-field sized main room divided by thin canvas sheets, which “don’t go to the ceiling” and offer zero privacy:

    “It’s like cubicles for massage.” (17:13)

• Ocean Sounds Overload:
  “Extraordinarily loud ocean wave music playing. Not in the...yes. The same exact ocean noises that I use to put my children to sleep.” (18:14)
• Bryan’s Privacy Anxiety:
  • “I could see the other rooms each side. I could see right through the canvas. And I’m like, I don’t know if I want to get changed in here...Even that is—no one wants to see that.” (18:52)
  • Confirms other customers are present due to audibility through sheets.

The Massage: A Comedy of Errors

Gloves & Sheet Folding Hell (20:13–46:40)

• Boundaries Galore:
  • “Do you mind if I massage your glutes?”—Therapist
  • “She, like, snapped back, letting me know that I wouldn’t be getting a prostate massage. And I’m like, okay, that’s...don’t get mad at me. Well, I just answered your question.” (20:13)
• Safety Protocol Overdrive:
  • Therapist pulls on latex gloves before touching Bryan:

    “Having a massage with gloves on is like having sex with a condom. It’s not the same.” (34:04)

  • “There’s no sliding of the oil because the...walnut dust...I felt like I was getting massaged...with, like, dust.” (34:53)
• Sheet Origami:
  • “It’s like she was doing origami with the sheets. She was wrapping them around my shoulder, under my armpit, over my hand, through my...Now my elbow’s exposed. That’s what’s exposed.” (44:14)
• Minimal Actual Massage:
  • Most time is spent on his legs; she avoids the back completely until last 5–10 minutes
  • The “hot stone” treatment is just “plastic water bottles from Walmart.” (41:49)
  • “25 minutes was spent on my legs. Not even on my legs, on my calf.” (49:14)
  • “I didn’t come for a sheet massage. I can get that in my own bed. I do that every night.” (45:04)
• Heat Overload:
  • Table heater is “cooking me like an egg.”
    “Now my balls are hanging off the table because they’re so warm.” (29:19)
• Awkward, Rushed Ending:
  • The conclusion includes a chin-in-the-air, neck-towel position that’s “completely uncomfortable.” (49:56)
  • “That’s our time. Ok. Okay. I can’t breathe.” (51:12)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Waiting Area:
  “It is a standalone desk...There is one chair. One chair in the entire lobby. Not a magazine, not a book...I feel like it’s dark in there. So, you know, there’s a vibe going on. And now I am under investigation for being the creep who comes on super bowl Sunday at 7pm...”
  —Bryan (06:24, 07:30)

• On the Gloves:
  “Having a massage with gloves on is like having sex with a condom. It’s not the same. Yeah, okay. It’s, it’s, it’s what you have to do. And I get it. I understand, right?”
  —Bryan (34:04)

• On Privacy:
  “It’s like, cubicles for massage...I don’t want to hear somebody next to me getting massaged, but okay, well, I guess I’m—that’s what’s gonna happen.”
  —Bryan (17:13)

• On Minimal Real Massage:
  “She works one side, side shoulder down to two inches above my, my butt. That maybe lasts a two and a half minutes. She works the next side two and a half minutes. She goes down to my glutes. She presses one, two, three times on the side of my glute. One, two, three times on the other side of the glute. And she rolls the sheet back up and puts the water bottles back on it.”
  —Bryan (48:12)

• On the “Hot Stones”:
  “She’s putting on what I have to imagine...is a water bottle, the kind you get in the hospital, a plastic water bottle with warm water. She puts two of them on my back over the sheet.”
  —Bryan (41:49)

• On Leaving:
  “I got to take the walk of shame all the way down this—the sheet hallway...luckily, I think I paid a total of, you know, whatever it was. 20 bucks, 25 bucks with the tip. And I tipped appropriately. I tipped for the effort, you know.”
  —Bryan (54:32)

• Final Word on the Sheets:
  “The only good part were the sheets. That’s it. The sheets were so soft. I do have to say that the sheets were so soft. But of course, maybe it’s because I was just slathered in oil.”
  —Bryan (56:03)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:34–04:21: Super Bowl, halftime shows, commercials recap
• 04:21–07:30: Introduction to Bryan’s massage story, strip-mall “vibe”
• 07:30–12:11: The awkward wait, hard-sell for memberships, delayed therapist
• 13:16–16:03: The “mud room” interview, privacy concerns
• 16:03–20:13: Giant, sheet-divided massage hall — the “sheet city”
• 20:13–46:40: Glove-clad massage, excessive sheet-folding, almost zero actual massage
• 41:49: The hot stone (water bottle) moment
• 48:12: The “main event” (five minutes of actual back massage)
• 49:56–51:12: The weird flip-over and exit
• 52:29–54:32: The “walk of shame,” the Dixie cup of water, tipping for effort
• 56:03: The summary — “Only good part were the sheets.”

---

Tone & Style

True to The Commercial Break’s style, the episode overflows with irreverence, improvisational humor, and self-deprecating narration. Bryan’s detailed storytelling repeatedly skewers “wellness” cliches, setting up Krissy for deadpan interjections and comedic disbelief. Their dynamic gives even the most mundane moments an absurdist twist, with wildly imaginative analogies (sheet origami! hospital water bottles!), physical comedy, and insider jokes about podcast fame.

The entire ordeal is recounted as a cautionary tale, a warning to listeners about the dangers of chasing anonymous “vibes” in modern strip-mall America.

---

Episode Takeaways

• Trust recommendations with caution—and never book a massage at a place that prioritizes “vibes” over privacy or skill.
• If you hear gloves snap or see a “sheet city,” run!
• The only real comfort is in the sheets (sometimes literally).

---

For more comedic train wrecks, pop culture snark, and offbeat banter, catch The Commercial Break at tcbpodcast.com or text/voicemail them at 212-4333-TCB. Don’t expect wellness tips, but do expect a good laugh!

Transcript

[Brian Green]

Macaroni with a chicken strips. On this episode of the commercial break, I don't know whether to feel offended. Like it's my fault she had to wear gloves. Like she, she assessed me at some point. Maybe that's what the light was about. Maybe it's a special light. And they put glass. Yeah. In the lobby and they put glasses on and they can see the level of scuzz you have on you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She had to work herself up. She's like, this light is reve. This guy is coming in.

[Brian Green]

Old white guy. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Yeah, boy. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the beautiful co host of the commercial break, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris Bestie. Brian Best, you out there in the podcast universe. Well, as we are recording this, it's official. The Taylor Swift super bowl is over. Yep. So we can all move on with our life now.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yep.

[Brian Green]

And there you go. That's all I gotta say. Great game. Congratulations to Patrick Mahomes and the rest of the team.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. Overtime only.

[Brian Green]

This boyfriend, he did a good job also. Yeah. Wow. Only second time has been into overtime. Seventh longest game in NFL history. I'm just repeating facts that I heard somebody else say. So if I'm wrong, you all right. Got it. And a dynasty well underway. I do have to say, while I'm not the most the biggest watcher of NFL football, I like college much better. I like college much more. I, what a game. Yeah. You can't argue. It was a good game. Yeah, it was a good game. Fun to watch.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And I loved Usher. I'm an Usher fan. And he brought the atl.

[Brian Green]

That's not Usher. But anyway, yeah, okay. I, I, it was a fine performance. And they automatically ranked it number seven out of all the top 35.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

All right.

[Brian Green]

At AV Club did. And then I was, I was rolling through them last night after the game and I was like, oh, okay. You know, they had, I forgot that some of these people even played the Super Bowl. Like, why in the fuck did Black Eyed Peas play this Super Bowl?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

They were really big for all. Yeah. At one point.

[Brian Green]

I'm sorry, but I just got to, I have to shout this out. And this is Brian's opinion that she is terror. She's a terrible singer. Fergie, Fergie. She's terrible live. I mean, maybe in the studio she's okay. And some people are like that. I guess you get a little nerves or you're dancing around and you know, it's hard to control your voice or whatever, but you're going back and what that thing?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Plus, in the studio, you've got help.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Auto Tune. That's right. And I watched that performance and that. That aged like cream in my cereal. I mean, honestly, it was terrible. Slashes up there, remember they did the Whoa, whoa, whoa, sweet child of. I was like, oh, my God, how horrible can you be? Terrible. She's like grinding up against at Slash. And I'm like, just felt bad. This is like pre Guns N Roses reunion tour. It's like. Yeah. And they named Prince number one halftime show of all time. And I. You cannot argue.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You cannot argue that Raining during when he's playing Purple Rain.

[Brian Green]

I know. It was amazing. It was amazing.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It was just the greatest. I loved him.

[Brian Green]

So I think the guy from whoever was writing it, maybe guy or girl who was writing the blurbs for AV Club, was like, at his best. Prince was the best. And this is Prince at his best.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Exactly. And I agree, like, above him.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. If you don't get chills watching that performance and it's at the fucking super bowl, you should not get chills at the super bowl halftime show. It's a gouty, you know, overblown, big, pregnant fucking show. The show of all shows.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

But Usher did a good job and he brought out a lot of superstars.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

On another talk of the whole thing, I was not impressed with the commercials.

[Brian Green]

No. I didn't find any of them particularly interesting. No.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I mean, the one with Michael Cera I thought was pretty funny for the lotion. Cerave.

[Brian Green]

All right.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But if that's the funniest one. Yeah, that's pretty bad.

[Brian Green]

You know, there are good years and bad years, and some people get really creative.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Tons of celebrities were in all of them.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But none of them were particularly good commercials. I was expecting more.

[Brian Green]

Not at all. I didn't find anyone stood out. And now I only watched, really, most of the second half. And I'll tell you why I watched most of the second half and not the first half, because I got a massage while the super bowl was going on. Good for you. I was in a terrible way. My. My back's killing me, and I'm like, I'm all twisted up. And so Astrid, my wonderful wife, is like, I need you to shut up, so I'm going to get you a massage. And she's like, it's your early Valentine's Day.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And I was like, okay, thanks, babe. And she's like, they have seven o' clock tonight. And I think to myself, super bowl or I'm on my way to the massage. I don't care about the first half. I don't. I. I didn't plan on watching a whole bunch of it anyway, but I caught the whole second half and I was glad I did because it was a really exciting, you know, two quarters of football. Anyway, so I go to this massage place. Now, let me talk about my massage experience because I think it's really important out here in the commercial break. Not gonna give the name of the place. I'm sure that they're lovely people over there. But I go to the massage place and it's in one of these strip malls. Like a lot of massage places are, right? It's in one of these strip malls close to the house. And it's new and we've. It's been recommended to us by other people that we know. They say, oh, you got to go here. It's great. It's wonderful. It's great, you know, new. It's newfangled. And I'm like, you know, love the vibe there. And I'm like, okay, vibes. I like the vibes. When you go for a massage, you want vibes, right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay, calm, main vibes.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I want calming vibes. But, you know, I could use a little charisma. I like a little Riz. I'm trying to be cool with the kids. I like a little Riz in my. Whatever. So I show up, it's 7 o', clock, the game is already underway, and no one is parked out front, obviously, it's just me. And I'm assuming the masseuse and then the person who works up front, the lady who works up front. So I'm like. But that's kind of what I expected, like, whatever. So I walk into this place and it's this huge lobby. And minimalist is not even close to the word that I would use to describe what is going on in this lobby. It is a standalone desk sitting there with the person greeting you and hello, welcome to Whatever and How are you doing? Yes, I'm Brian. I'm here for my 7pm okay, no problem. There are bathrooms right there. Two doors in the lobby that are bathrooms. This huge lobby.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And then feel free to take a seat, of which there is one chair. One chair in the entire lobby. Not a magazine, not a book, not a nothing to be found. It's just one chair.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's the room and a chair and a desk.

[Brian Green]

Huge lobby. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we're talking like, I don't know, 30ft by 60ft. Huge lobby.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

A chair, a desk. That's it. That's all we got, right? No music playing, nothing. Quiet as a ghost. Quiet as a mouse in there. And I'm like, okay, all right. This is a. This is a vibe, certainly. And there's one, like, pendant light hanging over the chair. And so I go and I use the restroom, which is lovely, you know, okay, restroom, whatever. And then I sit down in this chair, which is one of these new fangled Pottery Barn bullshit chairs where you, like, sit. It's a piece. It's one piece of leather. It's like a leather strap. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like one leather strap. Slippery, slidy. And then when I sat down, I expected to sit, but then I fell down into the chair. I'm like. I'm like. My butt is literally a couple inches from the ground. And now I'm like, how the am I going to get up out of this chair?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And you have the spotlight on you and I.

[Brian Green]

Spotlight on me. So I feel like it's dark in there. So, you know, it's. There's a vibe going on. And now I am under investigation for being the creep who comes on super bowl Sunday at 7pm you know what I'm saying? I'm like, oh. So I get there at 6:50 for my 7pm appointment. I sit down and I check the watch and I'm like, okay, 6:52. I guess they'll take me back to the changing area, the locker room, whatever you want to call it. That's what I'm accustomed to in any spa I've ever been to do is like, you go into an area, you have a little bit of privacy, you change, maybe you put on a robe. Right? Okay, so in. On occasion, I do have to say this. On occasion I have changed in the actual massage room. Yes. But not very frequently.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right?

[Brian Green]

So I'm sitting in this chair under investigation, and the girl who's on the very opposite end of the lobby is not saying a word. I'm just sitting there, you know, no phone or anything. And I'm just. I mean, no phone because I didn't turn it on. And I'm just sitting there thinking to myself, okay, well, I guess I don't have a lot of time to warm up. I'll just hang out here in my leather strap and somebody can start asking me questions any minute, I guess. 702, 705, 707. These are the Times when I'm watching the. And I'm like, here's, here's. You got to understand, when I get there, they have a menu on the back, back behind the lady, right? This menu written leather strap or whatever, you know, burned into a leather strap. I guess that's the vibe. Yeah. Calligraphy, right. And it's like, non members pay this, pay that. And as soon as I see that, I'm like, oh, here comes the sales pitch for the membership that I don't need, that I don't want. I've never been here before. I'm not going to buy a membership. I don't know what's going on in here. It could be, you know, jack shack.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Not good, not great.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And then they have all these add ons, you know, hemp CBD oil special doggy bow, sunshine rainbow yoga massage. And I'm extra 80 bucks. And I'm like. So she's like, well, thank you. So it's your first time here. You get 30% off your brand new, you know, any of the add ons. And she's like, would you like hot stone? Would you like cbd? Would you like, you know, morning oil? Would you like the, the gushy smushies? And I'm like, massage, like I just want to massage.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

Use a little pressure. Make me feel better. How's that? What do we do about that?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Hot stones before, and it wasn't my thing.

[Brian Green]

Well, that's what I go for. Because you did go well after. Because I had like a certain amount of credit, I felt obligated. I was using a gift card too.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I felt a little oblig because I thought, well, I'm going to have to give a tip. And then like, that's uncomfortable. I don't mean no one carries cash anymore. And so I mean, it also is 20, 24. I'm sure they can figure out how to ring up a tip something. But I had a certain amount of credit to use. And so I. Because it was my first time there and I thought, well, I may never be back here, so I might as well use the credit.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

So I ended paying $10 for the hot stone thing. All right. Okay. So now we're at 711 and no one has come to greet me yet. And the lady is just sitting there. And so I'm like, I think the appointment was at 7. Is there like, do I just wait here for the. You know, I'm trying to like not be rude about it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right. Move things along.

[Brian Green]

Oh, I'm sure she'll be here in just a minute. I saw her in the back earlier and I'm like, oh, okay. Thanks for the update on where my massage therapist is an hour ago. I need her here now. Is it possible that you check now where she is? Because in according to the schedule, she's supposed to be here with me. Like, I shouldn't be here, I should be there. Yes, that's what I'm thinking.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But I'm like, okay, definitely not sitting in a strap in the loft lobby.

[Brian Green]

No. I don't even know how many get up out of the strap. Now I really feel like something's going amiss. I'm under investigation. And a leather strap in the lobby because I didn't buy the membership or whatever. I got this whole pitch about the membership. I'm like, I go, hey, listen, I appreciate the membership thing, but sure, let me give it a try a couple times and then if I like it, then, you know, we'll go. I'm fussy. You don't want to get into it with me. Also, I should say this. So when she made the appointment, Astro made the appointment, she gave her my commercial break email address.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

Which is kind of for me, like when I do service related things, I don't want to give my commercial break email address because all it takes is a little bit of googling to figure out who I am and how important I might be. Do you know what I'm saying? It actually might be the first time anybody recognizes anything. But I get a little nervous because if I give a review, then I get concerned that someone can easily hear it and they get upset. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know what I'm fucking talking about. Who cares? So 7:12, my massage therapist decides to appear out of some huge, you know, farmer's door. Sliding. Sliding farmer's door decides to appear.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The barn door.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And she's just, she, she comes out. She's right near the desk. She comes out, you know, lovely, I'm sure, lady. And she just stands there like this, standing there looking at, just looking around. And I'm like, she looks like a massage therapist. She got that oil thing on the side, you know, where you normally carry a gun. She's got an oil holster. So I'm like, oh, good morning. What was that? That's so weird. So I'm thinking to myself, okay, all right, this clearly is my lady because there's no one else here. Like, is she just standing there? Chrissy. A good 60 seconds, no one said anything really. And then I Go. Are you looking for Brian? There's anybody else in the lobby, right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

There's no one.

[Brian Green]

Right here. Under the light in the strap. The only chair in the place. There is nobody else parked outside. It's me, Brian.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I can't believe you had to ask her.

[Brian Green]

And then she goes, Mr. Green? I was like, yes, Brian Greene, that's me. And she goes, I'll be taking you for your appointment now. And I was like, oh, thanks. 15 minutes late. I appreciate it. Let's go back now and do that.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I'm ready.

[Brian Green]

Let's go ahead and get that started. Now that we've wasted two minutes staring at each other, let's go ahead. Why not? So now I go through the sliding glass door or the sliding door. And then, you know, big wooden sliding door. Yeah. Barn door. And then I. Thank you. And then I. I walk into what I can only describe as, like, a mud room. Like you. Like a mud room for a house.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, okay.

[Brian Green]

It's got. It's got hooks, a big bench, but it's a big bench. It's probably, like 20ft long. Big bench, hooks and then towels everywhere. So I think to myself, oh, this must be the changing area. It's a little. There's a lot of room for a lot of people to be changing at the same time. But thank God I'm the only one here. I guess I'll just change right here.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So here I am getting ready to take my belt off and, like. Because I think this is the changing area. And she's like. She's like, take a seat. She sits down and she taps the bench, and she's like, take a seat. And I'm like, oh, okay. And I put my belt back on. I'm like, oh, okay. Sorry. I thought. This is where I get naked. Yes. Like, sit down on my lap. So she says, you know, let me get to know you a little bit in your massage history. And I'm thinking to myself, oh, my God, come on. Do we have to do this whole thing? My massage history is. I know how to get a massage.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I lay there, you do it. That's it. What else do we need to know about my massage history?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, the most people need to ask, really, like, are there any special spots that are.

[Brian Green]

That was part of the 12 question interview that I did there, sitting in the mud room of this fucking place. And, you know, in these spots in. She's speaking so softly, it's, like, a little bit hard to hear her. And I'm wondering, is this, like, her Normal tone of voice or is she trying to start the vibe? Does the vibe start here? Still very open minded, I think. Okay, a little bit of a rough start, but now here we are, we're getting into the action.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

At least on the way.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, we're on our way back to the. Somewhere where I might be getting massaged before they close at 8pm Oh, I forgot to tell you, when she asked about the add ons, they had like a, you know, add 30 minutes, right. This much money. And I said, oh, can I just add 30 minutes? I, I would do that. And she's like, well, I would, but we close at 8 o' clock so we can't actually do that. Okay. And so by the time now it's 7:16. And I'm like, well Jesus, we now we got 45 of the 50 minutes. I'm supposed to get left. So. Right, let's get it. So I'm answering the questions quickly. I'm like, yes, no, maybe. So you know, just stay away from my dick and everything's okay. All right, here we go. All right, ready?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

So take my pants off.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Now can I undress? And so I was like, do I, do I like, is there a robe or something? She goes, oh no, no, no, no. Back at the room. And I was like, oh, okay. Back at the room. I got it. 10, 4. I'm cool, I'm happy, I'm happy with the new place, the new thing. All right, Chrissy. Another huge sliding door. We go through this huge sliding door and now imagine a football field sized room. I'm not even kidding you, huge.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And this is in a strip mall. Like did you realize it was this big from the outside?

[Brian Green]

Certainly it was a football field. The building was, but okay, I didn't realize how big the room was going to be. Right? It was huge.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Like your massage room.

[Brian Green]

No, no. Okay, so just imagine one big one.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Room to another room. Now you've entered.

[Brian Green]

Now I've entered another room. That is the room itself is huge. It's got a hallway in the middle. Then it's got these two beams that just run. I mean when I say football field, it's probably 50 or 60 yards maybe it's not a full football field, but it's huge. It's got these two beams that run the length of the room down the hall with it. This pretend hallway that they've created. And then there are canvas sheets separating the rooms. Canvas sheets as the doors to the rooms. Canvas sheets that you can see through because I can see through the canvas Sheets. I can see the lights. I can see the tables. It is.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, that is very definitely weird. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And these rooms don't go to the ceilings. It's. They're literally hanging by these seams. These canvas sheets are separating everything. It's like. They've. It's like cubicles for massage.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And so now I'm like, oh, yeah, okay. I don't want. Okay, all right, whatever. I don't want to hear somebody next to me getting massaged, but. Okay, well, I guess I'm. That's what's gonna happen. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I've made it this far.

[Brian Green]

I've already paid. I'm stunned. The credit. I've already gotten a thank you text message from the place, and I haven't even gotten the. The massage yet. That's the other thing. Let's calm down on the text message. Start worrying about the actual experience. Okay. I don't need 12 text messages reminding me of, you know, how many can buy from your place. So in this place, there is extraordinarily. In this room, there's extraordinarily loud ocean wave music playing. Ocean wave sounds playing. Right. Not in the. Yes. The same exact ocean noises that I use to put my children to sleep. I cannot avoid it. And by. It's everywhere. It's in my house. It's outside now. I've got it at the massage. And there's no, like, hey, can you turn on some, like, gentle music? You know, some of them.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Green]

And yeah, yeah. You know some of that Japanese massage music that makes me so happy when I get a massage. I love that. Just play that. I'll fall asleep and you can just massage me. So there are, what, I don't know, 30 rooms on each side. 30 rooms on each side. It's huge. And she takes me to, like, basically the last one. So we gotta walk a mile down there now. It's like 7:22. Right before she opens up this big canvas sheet, as if I'm in the fucking Lawrence of Arabia or something. It's like swings over these sheets, and there it is. Massage table, little light basket.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

There it is.

[Brian Green]

There it is. I'm thinking to myself, well. And then I look to each side because canvas sheets are separating us. I look to each side, and I can see the other rooms each side. I could see right through the canvas. And I'm like, I don't know what I want to get changed in here. I mean, I'm only going to my underwear, but even that is. No one wants to see that. What if A picture gets out there on the Internet. TCB host flashes massage parlor. I don't know. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what's going down. Yeah. The only good news is all the paparazzi was in Vegas, so, you know, I felt comfortable. Paparazzi?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And were there even any other customers there?

[Brian Green]

Well, I'll tell you there were, and I'll tell you how I knew this. Okay?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Because you could see him.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. See them. You could hear them. Well, I had my face down, so I couldn't see anything except for the floor. So. So this. By the way, the massage therapist is nice enough, right? She's doing the. She's doing the do. It's. There's nothing. She's not bad. She's not mean. She's just there. You know what I'm saying? She's being nice enough. Yes. You don't have any room to complain about what's going on. But there's no, like, I don't know, there's no vibe coming from my massage therapist. I'm just like, okay, here we go. I guess we're gonna do this.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So we get in the room, and she's like, okay, Mr. Green, do you mind if I massage your glutes? And I'm like, oh, sure, yeah, go ahead. You know, massage my glutes. Any glute massage will be over the sheets and only on the side of the glutes. And I was like, well, don't get angry with me, because I answered yes. She, like, snapped back, letting me know that I wouldn't be getting a prostate massage massage. And I'm like, okay, that's. Don't get mad at me. Well, I just answered your question.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Like, okay, let's get started.

[Brian Green]

Chrissy. It was really. It was really uncomfortable. And I was like, well, we don't have to do the glutes. I mean, you know what I'm saying? You asked, I answered. Why are we all upset now? All right, And I'm sure you want to hear the rest of this story that I'm sure will take up a majority of this episode. But we got to break it up into pieces, because that's how we pay the bills. We'll be back.

[Christina]

What? Oh, hi. It's Christina again, here to remind you to go to tcbpodcast.com for all things audio, video, and TC, BDO. Give us a follow on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok, TCBpodcast. And guess what? We have a new phone number. I know what you're thinking, but I promise this is the last TCV phone number you will ever have to remember. So call us and leave us a voicemail or text us at 212-4333, TCB. Once more for the people in the back. That's 212-4333, TCB. Oh, and check out our YouTube channel at. @YouTube.com TheCommercialBreak. That's all for now. Let's listen to our sponsors and get back to the show.

[Brian Green]

This episode is sponsored in part by prizepix. Everybody out there in the podcast universe knows what a huge NFL fan I am and exactly how much I know about the sport. However, I'm getting into it and I'll tell you why. Prizepix. Prizepix is America's number one fantasy sports app with over 3 million members. Numbers. It's the easiest and most exciting way to play dfs. It's just you against the numbers. You don't have to be a professional football player or dating some famous singer to get in on the action. Prize Picks is allowing you to do it. And it's that time of year again. The big game right around the corner. Prizepix is the easiest and most exciting way to turn every game changing moment into 100x your money. With as little as 4 correct picks, you can turn $10 into $1000. I just jumped on the prizepick apps last week and I'm telling you what it's super easy to do. Prize Picks is a really simple way. I can make my picks and then submit my entry in less than 60 seconds. Now, I don't want to go into detail about who I picked because I make my choices based on a complicated spreadsheet and then I have blue bark twice at the right answer. So do us a Favor. Go to prizepix.com tcb and use the code tcb for the first deposit match of up to $100. That's prizepix.com tcf make sure you use the code tcb for the 1st deposit match of up to $100. They're giving you free money so no matter who wins or loses this big Sunday, you have an opportunity to be part of the big game in a big way and possibly win a little moolah. Who's gonna argue with that? Prizepix.com TCB use the code TCB and get a first deposit match of up up to $100. Thanks, prize picks, for being a sponsor of the commercial break. All right, so here we are in this room now we've got about to.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Get a glute massage.

[Brian Green]

About to get a glute massage. Only on the outsides and only over the sheet. Right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Of course, of course.

[Brian Green]

So she says there's a little basket.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Keep it professional. As. As is evidenced by the sheets that they.

[Brian Green]

Exactly. You're paying $10,000 a month in rent, but you can't afford a room. Walls. That's all I'm asking. Can a guy get some walls? I don't even care about the separators. Okay. If it's like, you know, if you don't have enough to take it all the way up to the 20 foot ceiling, I get that. But can we get like 10ft of wall and then we can just leave the rest open?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, you know, they probably started building it out. They're like, oh, God, rooms are expensive, these walls.

[Brian Green]

You know, we can do, you know. You know what we do? I think in my grandma's basement.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, exactly.

[Brian Green]

She's hoarded 30 years worth of canvas from World War II when she was a Betty Boop maker or whatever they call those ladies that were stitching together the clothing. Yeah, right. Those women who really won the war.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

So I've got canvas all over the place. We'll just take some canvas and drop it to the floor.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We'll call it a vibe.

[Brian Green]

It's a vibe.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It'll be unique.

[Brian Green]

Now I'm really mad at the person who's recommended this place because I'm like, what the fuck is going on in here? This ain't a vibe. This is the anti vibe vibe. There's no vibe going on here. I've had vanilla ice cream with more vibe. You know what I'm saying? I'm upset now. I'm angry, and I'm going into the massage heated, and that's not a good thing. So we get to the glute. She's okay, here's a basket for your clothing on the floor. And I'm like, okay. And she goes, disrobed to your level of comfort. And I'm like, well, at this point, you've already alerted me that there will be no touching whatsoever. So my level of comfort. What's your level of comfort? It's really the question. Yeah, I don't want to answer this one wrong.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You tell me what to do here.

[Brian Green]

Are we going over the shirt? Under the shirt? I feel like I'm in third grade. Under the bra, over the bra. How do we do this? It's whatever your level of comfort is, it's not about me. I want to touch your boobs, but I don't want to make a wrong move here. It's. I'm young in my little career. I don't want to make a mistake. So. So anyway, so she leaves the sheet. She leaves the sheet. Not the room, not the room, the sheet. She leaves the fort, the kids fort we've built. And now she. She's like, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm like, what are you gonna do? Knock on the sheet? What do you do? Ring a bell? I'm not sure. I don't know. So I disrobe to my underwear because I never go full naked. I've only done that a few times. And I just find that it's a little presumptuous, I think, especially, like, if it's your first time with a massage therapist. Like, we have a massage therapist friend that we know, right. And you know, I know her well enough that I know she's gonna do my glutes and she's not gonna get weird about it. So I'm okay going, you know, full butt. So, okay. So now she says, okay, lay down. So I should. I should share with you that when the massage therapist asks what kind of pressure and what kind of massage or any areas you'd like to focus on, I always say the following going, listen, I love a good full body massage, but if you could spend some time on my back. Back. That's what I really need.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Back and shoulders as me, please.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I like the full rub down.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Sure.

[Brian Green]

Right. I like a good rub and tug, just like everybody else.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

What if you said I really need to focus on my glute?

[Brian Green]

My glutes, my glutes. The inside of my glutes, please. Yeah, over the sheets is fine.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's really sore right in between my cheeks.

[Brian Green]

Oh, you know where your butt meets your. And the taintiest area, the gluteus taintest. Yes. My prostate's killing me. I just had a vasectomy and my balls are on fire. You knock those around for a couple of minutes. I don't care. Over the sheets, under the sheets. I'm just happy someone's touching it besides my urologist. Go ahead. I gotta give a donation in a couple days. You mind jazzing those bad boys up a little bit? Let's wake him up. So, okay, so I'd like.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You said the back.

[Brian Green]

I said the back. Focus on the back. Like, you know, give me a little bright breeze across everything else. But then let's just. Now that we have five minutes left of the massage. If you don't mind focusing three of those on my back, I would appreciate. It's so stupid. When I think about it, I'm like, it's unbelievable. I got a 12 minute massage. I paid for 50. All right, so she says lay down, you know, get undressed. Lay down.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Face, face down. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Okay, so that's what I do. I get undressed, down to my underwear. I lay first, face first. There is a sheet on the table. By the way, the sheets were the most comfortable sheets I have ever laid in. I do have to say this. I do have to give this place one props. They did not scri on the sheets because the sheets were super comfortable.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's good.

[Brian Green]

But then they had one of these bare skin rugs on top. You know, faux bare skin rugs on top. And then the table heater was on. I should mention that in Atlanta it's not particularly cold right now. It's like 67 degrees in the afternoon and probably 55 at night. You know, it's not freezing in this place. It's nice. Ambient temperature, 68, 69 degrees, whatever it is. But the heater on the table is cooking me like an egg.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And you've got a fair skin on top.

[Brian Green]

That's right. Whatever remaining sperm I have in my vasecticles, they're boiling. Now my balls are hanging off the table because they're so warm. You know how testicles, they go up when it gets cold and down when it gets warm. That's how they regulate temperature, which is an amazing thing, by the way. The body is an amazing thing. My balls are rolling off the table. It's so hot. I'm like, okay, all right, here we go.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Here they are for easy access.

[Brian Green]

Here you go. They're right down by my feet. While you're massaging my feet, get those twiddle twangles hanging down there. Ah, just throw them back up on the table. That'll be fine. You know those ones that hang off the back of the trucks? That's what it looks like. Yeah. Yes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Those went up the trucks.

[Brian Green]

Ah, Just toss those back up on the table. Okay. So after a few minutes, she pokes her head in the sheets and she's like, Mr. Green, are you ready? And I'm like, yeah, you can speak up. I can't hear you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Please.

[Brian Green]

I don't understand what you're saying a lot because you're very, very quiet. But now I'm going to tell you why. Why I think she was. So I get down I got, I got, you know, I'm just laying there. And so she's doing this whole dance around the table. She's like, you know, moving the sheet, adjusting the sheet, putting the bearskin rug on the top of my head. I mean, she's like all over the place. She pulls the bearskin rug up to the top of my neck like this, this. And so all, all that's exposed is the top of my head. And I'm like, what is going on here? What are we doing? I've never had a massage like this, but I'm still a little bit open minded.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

A little bit open minded that when this is closing.

[Brian Green]

Yes, it's closing quickly.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It was open.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. You remember the end of Star wars where he had to get those two shots right inside just to blow up the Death Star? That's what I feel like has to be done right now by anybody at this place to make me feel a little bit better about what's going on. And, and so this must take like a full minute and a half. She's just like circling the table, adjusting the sheets. And I'm like, oh my God, why are we wasting so much time on the sheet? I'm fine, I'm hot. So I tell her, I go, hey, excuse me, could you, could you turn the table heater down a little bit? She goes, oh, it's uncomfortable and it's a little bit warm with the sheet and the blanket and then the whole thing. So if we could just like turn the table down so at least it's not 99 degrees in here under the sheet, you know, now I'm feeling like I'm hot boxing. And so she says, sure, I'll turn it down a little bit for you. Okay, great, go back to that later. So now she says, she, Chrissy, she gets right in my ear because I'm looking down at the floor and I can see her shoes. And you know, you're kind of hearing what's going on. You know, you're trying to be spatially aware of what's going on. I'm wondering if, am I going to be touched at any point or is, is this just it, it? They just throw a bare skin rug on you?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Dance, dance around the table, hope you.

[Brian Green]

Have a heat stroke and forget about everything. So I can see her feet under the table and she bends down and she's like, Mr. Green in my ear, Chrissy, right in my ear. And I'm like, right, yeah, this is asmr. What is this? And she's like, we have Free lavender therapy. Is that okay with you? And I'm like, yes. I speak loudly just to let her know that we can have an adults conversation in the room. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't like when people whisper in. My ears are super sensitive to like touch and stuff. And I was like, I just like, yeah, I'm kind of like, I want to push her away. Like, don't, don't get so close. So she goes, okay, now listen to this. This is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me. And I understand. Safety first. I get it, I get it. Safety first for the masseuse and for me. We all, we all understand, right? We, we've laid the ground rules. There's going to be no touching around any buttocks area. Disrobed your level of comfort, which means keep your clothes on. And I'm going to pull the sheet over your head so I don't actually have to look at you. Okay? Got it. 10, 4. I understand. I hear what you only hear in a doctor's office.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Gloves.

[Brian Green]

Fucking latex gloves.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Really?

[Brian Green]

And I am like, under the table. You should see my face. My mouth is full open. I'm drooling. Now I'm like, water's coming out of my mouth.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Green]

I want to see something.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The gloves before.

[Brian Green]

I don't care if you have herpes of the hand. You stay home that day. I don't care if I have to go a million and a half miles away from my house to get a massage from a massage therapist. Therapist who will not use gloves.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I've never had that.

[Brian Green]

The same.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, it's not.

[Brian Green]

Chrissy, I'll say this right now, and it's important that we use protection, but having a massage with gloves on is like having sex with a condom. It's not the same. Yeah, okay. It's, it's, it's what you have to do. And I get it. I understand, right? You use condoms because you don't want to spread diseases and get people pregnant unintentionally.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But the hands.

[Brian Green]

But the hands and a massage are an important part. Part of the whole deal. I want to feel the human touch. It's like sometimes there's magic energy that comes through those hands. Some people are really good at this, and I'd like to. And I don't care who you are, black, white, big, small, tall, short, whatever. I want to feel some human touch and I want you to, like, apply that pressure. It feels so weird to be massaged.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I mean, with gloves.

[Brian Green]

On. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I mean, it's basically just sliding oil around.

[Brian Green]

There's no sliding of the oil because the. The whatever they put on there, that walnut dust or whatever it is, is the. That the gymnast use. Yes. Like, they smack their hands and, like, comes flying everywhere. I felt like I was getting massaged with that. Not with oil, with, like, dust. I was like. It was so weird. And the whole time it sounded like I. Like someone was having sex in my ear. Like.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So I'm like, oh, my God. Did that lady just put on gloves? And sure as she did. Because when she went to do the lavender and, you know, take three deep breaths with a three. A magic number is supposed to make me feel better about this massage. She's waving her hands in front of me like this, you know, I'm saying with that massage oil. And she's got big. Yes. She's, like, waving it into my face. Now. I realize most people probably have their eyes closed at this point. Not me. I am fully awake. I am ready.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, usually too, like, they do, like, something to where you can smell it, like when you're laying down. Yeah. They put a little something like a tissue.

[Brian Green]

Like a tissue or a cup or.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

A cloth or something with the oil in it.

[Brian Green]

She just put it in her hands and just wafted it at my direction. I didn't even smell it. And I could smell everything. I didn't. I don't even know what was going on. I have no idea. Like, these hands in front of my face. Wasting another minute and a half of my life. And now I'm down to 11 minutes for the massage. So she folds back the bear skin, but not the sheet. Just the bear skin, not the sheet. And I am like Jesus fucking Christ on a cross at this point. Could we please, for the love of all that's holy, get around to the action, please? I am not having this. I am like. I'm really kind of irritated at this point. Of course, we need to get on to massaging because that is what I came here to do. Please, Chrissy. I don't know if she was blowing on my back. I don't know if she was using feathers to massage my back. But all of a sudden she's just like. Like, her fingers, you know, just, like, wafting my back. But I don't even know if she's on. And you know how like most massage therapists, they'll give you some good pressure at the beginning, just like, pushing on your back, right? No, no, no, no, no, no. Isn't pushing it's like a light, it's like a. She's giving me a high five on my back but with no pressure. Like my five year old gives me a high five like, like a golf club. Right. All the way down, nowhere near my lower back, nowhere near my butt. All then she goes all the way down to my, to my calves and I'm like, holy mother of all things massage therapy. What did I get myself into to now I'm like, well, one of two things is going to happen. Either this is going to get better.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

This is going to get much worse. One of two things is going to happen. And we've only got 10 minutes now to get this done. So how are we going to break up that 10 minutes is my question. It in my mind it must be 7:45 at this point.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Exactly.

[Brian Green]

This is taking a long time to get to any kind of action. I once dated a Mormon. Same thing happened. Same thing. Months and months and months of preparation. All right, so now she comes down to my leg. Chrissy. She. I don't even know the way to describe this particular woman's style of massaging except to say that I think it was less massaging and more about her sheet folding abilities. Do you know what I'm saying? Right. She kept folding the sheets in weird ways so that she could expose certain parts but leave other parts and, and exposed. She takes my left leg, she lifts it up in the air and then she folds the sheet underneath my thigh. So now what we've got is imagine.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Like a diaper type situation.

[Brian Green]

Yes, yes. Or Catholic schoolgirl uniform where the ruler rule is in full effect. 2 inches from your kneecap and your skirt must be down to there. She literally wraps my leg like a, like a diapy with only an inch above my kneecap on the back and my foot downwards. So now we've got exactly one of the two and a half feet of my legs exposed.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And that's what she massages with almost no pressure whatsoever. Now I do have to say this. I will give credit where credit is due. Once she got into it then I felt a little bit relaxed. It. There was no pressure to it. It wasn't working out any knots or anything like that.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

But okay. I was so wound up at this point that even anything was. I was happy with anything. The expectations at this point are so low. The Death Star is still there. Darth Vader rules the universe. It's over. It's game over. At least I'm going to get a one leg massage out of this she spent the next 10 minutes on my left leg, and then she did the same thing with the right leg. She did the exact same thing. We spend a minute and a half folding the sheet to make sure that she doesn't see anything she doesn't want to see or I don't feel uncomfortable in any kind of way.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You got your underwear on.

[Brian Green]

I know. And I don't wear a thong. I got boxer briefs. It's okay. You're good. It's covering everything you could be scared of. All my ass hair is covered by that Amber Com.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Wearing gloves so as not to touch.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I don't know whether to feel offended. Like, that's my fault. She had to wear gloves. Like, she. She assessed me at some point. Maybe that's what the light was about. Maybe it's a special light. And they put glass.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

In the lobby and they put glasses on. Can see the level of scuzz you have on you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She had to work herself up. She's like, this light is revealing.

[Brian Green]

God damn.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

This guy has come in.

[Brian Green]

Old white guy. This is glove. Glove positive. It's a glove positive. I tested him. He's glove positive. So we get to the second leg. Another 10 minutes is spent on basically my knee down to my foot. Right? Okay. All right, we got that part done.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, feels so much better.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah. That front of my calf. My shin bones feeling so relaxed. I've never had. Listen, you worked all those ankle knots out. I'm telling you what, can we get to somewhere as important can you work your way up? I'm sure this massage is over. I am honestly stressed because at any moment, I feel like she's gonna go, well, that's our time for today.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Exactly. Thank you so much.

[Brian Green]

Thank you so much. All right, now remember, I added the hot stone massage.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

All right, so after the leg gets done. Now we're gonna go after both legs. Now we're like 20 minutes. And now I'm sure it's 8:15 or something. I don't even know. I'm like, I guess we're on free time now. You know, like it used to be when you watched a soccer match, you're just guessing how much free time was left on the end. We think nine minutes. That's extra.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

That's how I felt. I felt like they're gonna blow the whistle at any moment. So she goes, I can hear her fooling with something. Right. And then all of a sudden, she's putting on what I have to imagine. I didn't see it because it was on my back is a water bottle, the kind you get in the hospital, a plastic water bottle with warm water. She puts two of them on my back over the sheet. And I'm like. And so now she bends down. How's that level of comfort for you? Fine, it's fine.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The water bottles feel okay.

[Brian Green]

I know the water bottles feel okay, but I should add that during the leg massage, I felt like the table had gotten warmer, not cooler. I felt like she turned it up, not down. So she's like, how's that level of comfort for you? And I go, fine. Can you. Did you turn the table down? And she goes, I did. Do you want me to turn it down even further? I said, yeah, let's just turn it off at this point, please. And can we get to my back?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I'm in Scotston. Furs.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Sheets, furs, sheets. Hot water bottles. My ankles feel great now. Let's get on with it, please. I'm so fussy now. I'm just like, God damn it. So now I've got two hot water bottles from Walmart on the back of my back. She puts a hot towel around my neck. So now I'm burning up. I'm dying. I'm having a heat stroke in here. I'm sweating profusely. And I can hear something, right? And now I hear in a room, probably not next to us because there was nobody next to us, but I can hear, you know, sh. It's another person getting massaged, you know, at the end when they, like, wipe the sheets, you know, they wipe the sheets, like, wipe off all the bad energy or whatever.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, okay.

[Brian Green]

First of all, I'm thinking, I wish I had that massage, because I can, I can hear more pressure than this lady. But I put on me then I felt with this lady, I can hear more pressure. So, and then I, I, I can hear, like, faintly like, you know, our time, our time today is done, you know?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, oh, that's it. It's 8 o'. Clock. O'. Clock. It's 8 o' clock now because that person's finishing up. And I haven't had one finger on my back yet. Not one, not one finger on my back.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Gloved finger.

[Brian Green]

Glove finger. I haven't had one glove on my back yet. We're 20 minutes into my legs. We haven't had one touch of my back. So now, Chrissy, swear to you this, I'm not exaggerating. I exaggerate a lot here on the commercial. This is not an exaggeration now she's going to do my arms. And the amount of. It's like she was doing origami with the sheets. She was wrapping them around my shoulder, under my armpit, over my hand, through my. Now my elbow's exposed. That's what's exposed. We got my elbow and my actual hand exposed. And she's like rubbing my arm.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

This is crazy.

[Brian Green]

I am like, where did I come. Where do they get these people?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I've never heard so much. She used to the sheet.

[Brian Green]

Like, I didn't come for a sheet massage. I can get that in my own bed. I do that every night. Lay down, throw the sheet on me. Feels good. All right, good night. So now I'm getting this weird elbow and hand massage, right? And this goes on for five minutes and then over to the other hand goes on for five minutes. And I'm like, I just can't even believe that we haven't gotten to my back yet. And so I said, say, can maybe we can focus on my back? And she leans down. I was just getting to that. And I was like, okay, thanks. Thanks. Could you focus those gloves on my back?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right, right. Would you mind, please, please?

[Brian Green]

So please come back. Somebody touch my back. That's what I wanted to scream in this, you know, sheet fold room. I just wanted to say, please, somebody touch my back. Back. I'm leaving a review. Great massage. If you're not looking for a massage. If you're looking for a touch free massage, you know, like the car washes, Looking for a touch free massage. Here it is. Answer to your prayers. Ask for this lady. She'll blow on your back, but with a mask on. Safety first.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So she takes these water bottles off my back. She rolls down the sheets, right? And I'm like, finally, I'm going to get.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Here it comes.

[Brian Green]

This is what I came for. This is the big show. This is the super bowl of my massage. I'm ready for it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

If we've. If I've got 10 or 15, she's going to be gracious enough to go 10 or 15 minutes extra. And now I'm thinking to myself, she should go 10 or 15 minutes exactly. It was no sooner than 7:20 before I actually started the massage. And 7:30, if you wanted to count the sheet origami she was doing. No, she's building those little birds you get on cruise ships or whatever, you know what I'm saying? They roll the towels up. I don't know what they make, little polar bears. I felt like she was practicing all right, so we're getting to the back and we'll get back to the show right after these words. We'll be back.

[Christina]

Well, thank the baby Jesus. Brian took a breath. And now I will use this opportunity to let you know that we've got a brand new phone number. That's right, it's 212433. And you can text us anytime you want or you can call and leave us a voicemail and we might just use your message on the show once Brian gets through all the messages he missed last year. Of course. Anyway, you can also find and DM us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTokcbpodcast. And of course, all of our audio and video is easily found on tcbpodcast.com now I'm going to thank G one more time that we have spawned. So thank G. And here they are.

[Brian Green]

Okay, so now we. She's brought the sheet down to. I swear the main event is my back. And. And she brings it the, the sheet up probably 2 inches from your tailbone.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

Right. So there's no fear that she's going to see anything she doesn't want to see. And she tucks the sheet in under my belly, under my leg, legs. So now I'm wrapped like a little baba binky. I got my baba binky on. Yeah. I'm a little baby. I feel like I'm being swaddled, like I'm an adult. I can handle it. It's all right. Why don't we just take the sheet up? Because I'm frying on this table. No temperature has deleted from this thing. Or maybe it's just because I've been covered in a bare skin rug when it's 90 degrees outside. I'm not sure. I don't know. So this is what happens. She works one side, side shoulder down to two inches above my, my butt. That maybe lasts a two and a half minutes. She works the next side two and a half minutes. Chrissy. She goes down to my glutes. She presses one, two, three times on the side of my glute. One, two, three times on the other side of the glute. And she rolls the sheet back up and puts the water bottles back on it. And I'm like, you have got to be kidding me. I had 30 minutes, minutes of a 50 minute massage and 25 minutes was spent on my legs.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

What the. Not even on my legs, on my calf. So unbelievable. So now she goes around and, and she turns me around. Right. And now flip over she puts this towel under my neck, making the whole experience very uncomfortable because now I'm like, got my chin in the air, my mouth's wide open, like I'm a Neanderthal. Oh. I'm like, what is going on here? Why are you putting this huge to my neck? It's a. I got. We could do a massage. My throat. What's going on here? What are we doing?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I wouldn't be surprised at this point if that's good throat massage.

[Brian Green]

She starts that whole number where they give you the massage in the back of the head, like right at the base of the skull. But she just puts her hands under there and goes like this, like a Come hither, like. And then I go. And then she starts to massage my head a little bit. And I'm like, okay, I could take him a head massage. I would give that in the plus column. But she stops here, like, at the back of my head. She does not even go anywhere close to the top of my head, the forehead or anything. Chrissy. I. I am not even kidding you. She then puts two hot towels under my shoulders. So now I'm completely uncomfortable. Mouth aghast. I can't even breathe because my neck is, like, stuck in this weird position. And now I've got two hot towels like that. Now I feel like I've clearly. I've been set up.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

They're gonna pop out with Candid Camera.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Someone's got TCV in their crosshairs. And here I am. They. They're taking pictures of me from above. They've got a drone that I can't hear because the ocean noises are too loud. She literally gives me the. The little, you know, hands on the shoulders like this. And then she starts doing the sheet origami again all over my body. And I'm like, oh, my God, this is crazy.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So after a minute and a half of sheet origami, she goes, that's our time. Ok. Okay. I can't breathe. So I grabbed the towel and I pulled it out. I was like, okay, that's enough of that. We're done.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I am.

[Brian Green]

This is a fully disappointing experience. I don't care anymore what you think of me. I'm being polite, right? Of course. I'm always polite. I've never mean to anybody who perfectly provides a service because I understand that it might be the end of a long day. She might be fussy. She. Her hands might hurt. Like there's. You know, it could be a million reasons why it wasn't the best massage. In the world. Or maybe she's new at it. Or maybe she's not good at it. That's the other option, right? She's just not good. It's okay. It's all right. You know, I ain't mad at her. She's making a living. And I got, you know, 38 minutes of a 50 minute massage because when I got out, it was like 8:12 or something like that. So from the time she took me back to the time that I actually started getting massage, I think I got like a 40, maybe a 40 minute massage.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

But okay, it's 8 o'. Clock. Eight.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And half of that was she folding.

[Brian Green]

Sheet folding. Most of it was sheet folding. So she says you can get, you know, take your time, get your.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Where were the stones? The stones?

[Brian Green]

There was no stones. It was like a water bottle. I don't even know why they said it's hot stone massage.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, I know. And did they not, like, use the stuff she didn't use?

[Brian Green]

No, no, no, no, no, no. There were no stones, only water bottles. They were used twice in a 41 minute massage. They stayed on my back for 10 minutes at a time. So 20 of the 41 minutes I had hot water bottles on my back. A table that is on fire, never. It never lost any temperature, by the way. It only got hotter, in my opinion.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, God.

[Brian Green]

So I was like a little bit uncomfortable. Now I always like to take a shower after I do a massage. Like I don't care. Most places have that them. So you can wipe that oil off. I am covered in this lavender oil, like slathered in this lavender, by the way. It didn't feel like it because the gloves, right. It was just like this weird. They were sticking every time she was trying to do something. Kept sticking and sticking. It just felt really uncomfortable. So I'm now covered, slathered in this oil. I gotta get myself dressed. You know, I walk out, you know. You know, most places, they have like, you know, like a little glass they give you with some lemon water or whatever, you know, some.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Whatever they call something plain.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. What's that they put in the water? Oregano or I don't know what they put. Mint, lemon, whatever. Mint, lemon water. Mint, lime water. And I'm thinking she's like, I'll have a refreshing glass of water for you when you're done. And I'm like, okay, great. It's one of those Dixie cups that you literally get out of the. When you go to a doctor's office and they have the water Thing? Yeah. The world's smallest cup. I walk out, and she's got this little cup, and she's like, here's a glass of water for you. I'm like, I think you and I.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Both know that's not a glass, it's a shot.

[Brian Green]

That is a paper Dixie cup. I've had. I give my children more liquid in their Gaga cups. I swear to Christ. What are we doing in here?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Green]

I got to take the walk of shame all the way down this. The sheet hallway.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

And then I. I go up front, and luckily, I think I paid a total of, you know, whatever it was. 20 bucks, 25 bucks with the tip. And I tipped appropriately. I tipped for the effort, you know. Yeah, okay. I kind of swallowed a little bit when I did that tip. But, you know, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because I do know it's difficult to be in the service industry in general. And, of course, maybe she's just new at this.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Maybe the person that recommended this place to you was the one playing the prank.

[Brian Green]

Knowing him. Yes. And it wasn't a prank drink. It was just. You're an. So go to this place. Here's a gift card to this place.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He probably got it from somebody else.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He's like, oh, no.

[Brian Green]

That'S exactly it. It's a re. Gift. No, I. No, it was Astro that gave me the gift. So it wasn't. It wasn't him, but he had mentioned that it was a good place to go. Okay. Yeah. You know, I. You might as well give me a gift card for half eaten Subway Subway sandwich sandwiches. That would have been more tasty. I think I would have been more excited. At the end of the day, I don't know what to say. It was just one of these things. It was, like, a really weird experience. Yeah, it was a really weird experience. And I don't know, you know, I'm. I. I tried to make the best of it, and it just.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You gave it. You gave it a chance.

[Brian Green]

I gave it every opportunity that it had. At every opportunity, I kept my mind a little bit open.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The only good part were the sheets.

[Brian Green]

That's it. The sheets were so soft. I do have to say that the sheets were so soft. But of course, maybe it's because I was just slathered in oil. I didn't feel anything thing. That was my Super Bowl Sunday. Okay, so listen, Taylor Swift, bowl is over. We can all go home and. And go back to our regularly scheduled programs. I just. I. I do. I do have to. To. To mention this. Remember we had the phone debacle with the phone number.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, yes.

[Brian Green]

626 as TCB. The number three is no longer available because it was sold by the people I bought it from again. And now they're trying to extort me for more money to get it back. Not doing it just on principle alone. So I'm going to inconvenience tens of thousands of people out there rather than do anything about it. We have a new phone number. It'll be in the liner soon enough. It'll be on the website and all that other stuff. 212-4333. TCB. 2124333. TCB is the new phone number. Text, leave us a voice message. Here's the good news. Now, finally, I get. We get it directly in the studio.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes. That's what we wanted.

[Brian Green]

We have people checking those messages. We get it directly in the studio. Maybe at some point in the future we tried this. We'll. We'll ask people if they want to call up and talk to us. But that was like. It took so long and so much money. And now three phone numbers later, we finally got it worked out, and I bought this phone number. I own it forever.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Third time, one charm.

[Brian Green]

Third time's the eighth time is the charm. In the case of the phone numbers of tcb. I think the phone numbers of tcb deserve their own show. When they do the VH1 behind the podcast special, they're going to. It's going to be a whole chapter. Oh, my God. 212-4333. TCB. That's the new one. Text us, call us, leave us a voicemail. You know how to do it. I love you. I. I don't know what to say. Sorry. I took up the whole episode with my.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It was quite the story and quite the warning tale.

[Brian Green]

Yes. I don't want to give out the name.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Be asking.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah, you'll know. I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna keep you out of the crosshairs. Yeah. I don't know if they. I think it's like a franchise place. They must have multiple. Look, I'm assuming.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

Because it's. It's like. It looks like a franchise place. Right. And then they have a website, and you'll see. I'll tell you. You just avoid it all together. You have a good masseuse, though. I do stick there. Keep going there. She's good. She's really good. I would invite her over, but it's just so much Chaos at the house. That the truth is I don't want to be in my house. I want to leave my house for my massage now. That's how I feel about it. It was different when I had, you know, just a few children. Now I have so many, I'm just like, ah, there's nothing relaxing about staying in the house to me, not a thing. All right, tcbpodcast.com that's where you go. You find out more information about Chrissy and I. You can watch all the video, listen to all the audio. Audio, all right there from tcbpodcast.com you can also get your free piggy fronting sticker. It's now available. They're now being sent out all across the universe. All you have to do is hit the contact us button on the website. Universe, universe. Hit the contactless button on the website. There's a little drop down menu says I want my free sticker. Well, if you want your free sticker, give us your address and we'll send it off to you. If you want us to sign it or say something, whatever you want, just ask and then we'll figure out if we can do it. If we can't, then you're just gonna get a sticker back. You'll know if we can't because we won't. There you go. And 212-433-TCB. That's 212-433-TCB. Toll free from anywhere in the world. Text us, leave us a voicemail right on the studio phone right here in the studio. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, Ask tcb, ask Brian's mom. We're taking it all right there at the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on tick tock and YouTube.com the commercial break. All right. I just love how Dr. Phil says I gotta cut it up. All right. Yeah, I guess that's all we can do for today, Chrissy. But I will tell you that I love you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I love you.

[Brian Green]

I'll say best to you, best to you. Best you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say and we must say goodbye. Ra.