The Commercial Break — "The Secret To Sexcess!"
Episode Date: September 6, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley
Guest: Zach Bauer (pickup artist/crypto entrepreneur)

Episode Overview

This installment of The Commercial Break expertly blends the pod’s signature chaotic improv humor with sharp commentary, absurd internet finds, and contemporary pop culture oddities. Bryan and Krissy riff on recent Trump NFT trading cards, the bizarre NFT/altcoin landscape, and a deep-dive roast of the 21 Convention “pickup artist” community, featuring audio from speaker Zach Bauer—who, as Bryan reveals, now has ties to new Trump crypto ventures. The result is a hilarious and biting breakdown of modern masculinity grifts and the intersection of scams, politics, and dating advice.

Main Topics & Key Discussion Points

1. Tangents on Tradition & Personal Anecdotes (00:00–04:55)

• The hosts open with nonsensical banter about prestigious phone contacts, bone broth jokes, and the outdated rule of not wearing white after Labor Day.
• Bryan muses on family planning, calculating his and his siblings’ conception dates based on their birthdays.
  • “Do you ever wonder about stuff like that?” (03:02)
• Krissy shares a story about her husband and his siblings sharing eerily close birthdays.

2. Trump’s Trading Cards & NFT Ridiculousness (04:55–21:14)

• Bryan and Krissy break down Trump’s new “America First Collection” of digital trading cards, including the overblown perks and physical memorabilia on offer.
• Audio clips from Trump’s announcement are roasted, especially his references to “holding some bitcoins” and promises of physical card fragments, sneakers, and a gala dinner at Mar-a-Lago's “lesser” Jupiter club.
• Bryan points out the absurdity of running for President while peddling NFTs, suggesting even supporters should be skeptical of such grifts.
  • “If any other politician did this... people would go apeshit. They’d be like, ‘What the fuck are you doing?’” (13:30, Bryan)
• Both hosts lampoon the AI-generated trading card images and the hyped but likely unsold Trump sneakers.
• Discussion turns to scammy elements of NFTs, digital rights management, and how presidential campaigns are stumbling into meme-coin swamps.

Notable Quotes

• Bryan: “You can't hold a bitcoin. But he doesn't know that. And why should he? He's 80 years old.” (06:51)
• Krissy: “That’s what every 7-year-old wants for Christmas. A digital trading card.” (09:01)
• Bryan: “The whole concept is so silly. If anybody did it, we would be laughing.” (13:28)
• Bryan: “Who are the geniuses who are, you know, Trump isn’t actually putting those NFTs up… He didn’t make them. Someone just came to him with an idea and he said, ‘Yeah, I’ll sign off on it. Whatever.’” (14:04)

Timestamps

• 05:59–06:41 — Trump promo audio, NFT perks
• 08:01–08:29 — The psychological pricing of $99.99
• 09:01–09:48 — Audience for physical perks (“piece of the suit,” sneakers)
• 12:02–13:28 — The “crypto president” riff and AI-card absurdity

3. Scams & Altcoin Fails — Personal Storytime (15:12–19:12)

• The team details a recent crypto-token launch involving Trump’s son Barron and a botched website launch that resulted in fans being scammed (Rolling Stone article cited).
• Bryan admits to being scammed by a fake “Elon Musk” YouTube live stream and warns listeners about the proliferation of crypto cons, especially those promoted by celebrities or their families.
  • “You give me one bitcoin, and I will give you five bitcoins back. I got scammed.” (17:37)

4. The Pickup Artist Grift: Exposing the 21 Convention (21:54–66:06)

Introduction to Zach Bauer & the 21 Convention (23:16–27:59)

• Bryan reveals that one of the men behind the Trump crypto project is a notorious pickup artist (POA/P.O.I.R.) spokesman from the 21 Convention—the annual conference where dating “gurus” sell dubious advice to men.
• Clips from Zach Bauer’s 21 Convention speech (c. 2019/2020) are played and mercilessly riffed on.
• The hosts provide MST3K-style commentary, roasting Zach’s weak motivational lines, stories about self-improvement, and “secrets” to successful dating.

Key Pickup Artist Speech Highlights

• Zach Bauer opens with typical “average guy becomes player” tropes, admitting he was always relegated to “the friends of friends” (28:05–29:40).
• He and his friend Rob develop “the Four Elements of Game” system, born of years of “studying” other pickup artists and self-filming club approaches (33:07–34:55).
• Bauer trashes other PUA instructors, calling much of their material “absolute bullshit” and openly admitting most dating “gurus” can’t actually perform in the field.
  • Zach Bauer: “A lot of that stuff actually made it worse. I went from a place where I could get girls... to where I would literally repel them.” (37:45)

Running Gags & Satirical Commentary

• Bryan & Krissy interject with mocking “boner broth” infomercial riffs (“Boner bra 3000!”), making fun of the pseudo-scientific products shilled at men’s conferences.
• Commentary on the awkwardness of pick-up convention speeches, endless numbers games, and the echo chamber of self-appointed “dating instructors.”
  • Bryan: “I realized that I'm not all that great with women, but there's a whole shitload of guys out there.” (36:41)
• Zach’s advice devolves into platitudes (46:21–47:37):
  • “Those who can’t, teach... They make it sound like they know what the fuck they’re talking about. They charge you tens of thousands of dollars.”
• Laugh-out-loud recurring bits: “Infield footage” (the absurdity of filming oneself hitting on women), “strong eye contact,” “bounce on the dick,” and the “no homo” refrain.

The System (60:31–65:25)

• Zach introduces his core advice—“damage control”—which amounts to accepting rejection and reframing setbacks as part of the “game.”
  • “The first and most important piece... is called damage control.” (61:31)
• Bryan and Krissy poke fun:
  • Bryan: “We had a PR seminar now. Damage control.”
  • Krissy: “I think he said Farah system. Farrah ferrous system…”

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Bryan: On Trump’s collectibles — “You’re selling a Topps baseball card, but it’s an AI-generated image of him on a lion holding an American flag. He’s lost all the marbles.” (08:01)
• Trump audio: “Something these cards show me dancing and even me holding some bitcoins.” (06:36)
• Bryan: “If any other politician did this, Democrat or Republican... people would go apeshit.” (13:30)
• Bauer: “It’s almost embarrassing to say it, but I swear to God, I believed this. I read those books and I thought, ‘This is why I haven’t been getting results.’” (35:33)
• Krissy: “Dude, there’s gonna be bouncing happening.” (56:12)

Notable Segments with Timestamps

• [05:59–13:28] — Trump’s NFT “America First Collection” dissected & roasted; A+ jokes on digital collectibles, AI art, and perks
• [17:37–19:12] — Bryan’s personal story of getting scammed by a “5x your bitcoin” scheme, warning on celebrity crypto scams
• [23:16–27:59] — Introduction of Zach Bauer/21 Convention segment: setting up the PUA roast
• [28:05–44:59] — Bauer’s rambling seminar, breakdown of the “pickup” ecosystem, and the “Four Elements of Game” gag
• [60:31–65:25] — Introduces “damage control,” the centerpiece of Bauer’s recycled dating advice

Tone & Style

The episode blends biting satire with off-the-cuff absurdist humor, featuring frequent asides, sound-effect riffs, and relentless mockery of pseudo-experts and scammy sales pitches. Bryan and Krissy keep the vibe unfiltered and friendly, delivering their critiques with both insider knowledge and genuine incredulity.

Conclusion

This “Sexcess” episode offers a characteristically unstructured but thoroughly entertaining skewering of internet scams—whether from politicians hawking digital memes, celebrity associates entering sketchy crypto ventures, or cringe-inducing “pickup artists” peddling dating pseudoscience at $99.99 a lesson. Bryan and Krissy’s irreverent chemistry, sharp commentary, and pop cultural literacy make it a must-listen for anyone skeptical of self-proclaimed “experts” and nostalgic for the raw, weird heart of podcast comedy.