The Simon Cowell of Art

Summary

Episode Overview

Podcast: The Commercial Break
Episode Title: The Simon Cowell of Art
Release Date: August 29, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley

This episode takes listeners on a whirlwind of comedic banter and irreverent advice, centered on Bryan’s self-proclaimed title as the “Simon Cowell of painting.” The main event is a long-awaited “Ask TCB” mailbag, where Bryan and Krissy read and riff on listener questions about relationships, following your dreams, and small-boob confidence. Interspersed are rants about Starbucks’ increasingly caffeinated menu, nostalgic asides about Elvira, and a hilariously inane roundup of Nextdoor neighborhood app posts. Fans of TCB’s unfiltered, meandering brand of improv-comedy will find this episode particularly chaotic, heartfelt, and absurd in equal measure.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter, Politics & Late-Night Caffeine (00:00–06:00)

• Bryan & Krissy riff on recent Democratic and Republican conventions, comparing vibes, energy, and music.
  • “No question, the DNC had them beat... It made the RNC seem kind of sleepy.” (Bryan Green, 01:36)
• Light-hearted roast of Kid Rock at the RNC.
• Transition to complaints about Starbucks’ ever-expanding drink menu.

2. The Starbucks Energy Drink Incident & 90s Nostalgia (06:00–13:40)

• Bryan dramatically recounts sampling new, highly caffeinated Starbucks drinks.
• Nostalgia about Jolt Cola and teen antics with No-Doz pills.
  • “When I woke up, I had a headache and I was like—What in the world?” (Bryan Green, 11:33)
• Warning about the dangers of over-caffeination, referencing both personal stories and anecdotes like Dave Grohl’s ER visit.
• Mutual agreement: energy drinks are a young person’s game.

Notable Quote

• “I’m telling you what, Elvira still holds up today as an extraordinarily beautiful woman.” (Bryan Green, 22:52)

3. Pumpkin Spice & Birthday Reflections (13:41–18:34)

• Pumpkin spice mania returns to Starbucks.
• Bryan’s dislike for celebrating his own birthdays, linked to a less celebratory childhood.
  • “It’s not a special day—It’s the day that a lot of people feel that way.” (Bryan Green, 15:58)
• Chrissy confesses guilt about making her birthday a big deal.
• Bryan shares praise for Astrid (his partner) making their kids’ birthdays special, to avoid repeating his own childhood experience.

4. Tipping, Freebies, and Working at Starbucks (20:00–22:20)

• Bryan gets frequent free drinks due to staff turnover and tries to repay with tips.
• Chat about inflation and tipping in service industries.
• Light digression about dating etiquette (“Forgot my wallet!” jokes).

5. Elvira and 60s B-Movie Break (22:22–26:00)

• Hosts riff on an Elvira TV channel and nostalgic appreciation for B-movies.
  • “I finally figured out why this thing got hard when I saw those...” (Bryan, riffing on Elvira, 23:09)
• Tangent on trippy 60s films that intersect with Clue, LSD, and “far out” characters.

6. Ask TCB: Advice Segment (26:00–41:30)

a. Paul: The 27-Year-Old Seeking Dating Advice (26:26–30:42)

• Listener Paul worries about his lack of “game” after a long relationship.
• Bryan’s authentic advice: Don’t use canned “pickup artist” techniques; instead, be yourself and seize authentic moments.
• Chrissy’s insight: “I think that in itself, you shouldn’t try.”
• Memorable self-roast: “I would be the guy who would sit at a bar...and try to make small chat while they were working. Man, this cold Bud Light sure does taste good.” (Bryan Green, 25:46)
• “You lose 100%...You don’t make 100% of the shots you don’t take…Just be yourself.” (Bryan Green, 29:25 & 30:27)

b. Abby: Navigating Difficult Family Dynamics (31:00–35:37)

• Abby, a lesbian listener, wonders how to address feeling excluded by her girlfriend at a family event with “extreme” relatives.
• Krissy: “You have to voice your concern, be honest.”
• Bryan’s foundational advice: “If you can’t talk to your girlfriend about things, you gotta find another girlfriend.” (32:28)
• “You can be truthful without being hurtful.” (Bryan Green, 34:23)
• Both hosts suggest that open communication about hurt feelings—without accusation—is essential.

c. The Aspiring Artist: Creative Dreams vs. Dead-End Jobs (36:43–41:20)

• 22-year-old listener seeking advice on “making it” as a professional artist.
• Krissy: “One word. Etsy.”
• Bryan: “I've got two words. Boob job. No, I'm kidding.”
• Consoling realism: not everyone “makes it”—the artistic life is both creative and grinding.
  • “You might have to supplement. Also, you’re in your early 20s...You have plenty of time to sort this all out.” (Bryan, 37:17, 40:49)
• The empowering close: “If you never find riches in art, you will always find comfort in it, and you will find creativity in it.” (40:49)
• Bryan invites listeners to send in their art for his Simon Cowell-style judgment.

7. Nextdoor: Neighborhood Absurdity Parade (42:56–50:30)

• Bryan reads out a collection of bizarre, trivial, or inane posts from his local Nextdoor app.
  • “Almost had a head-on collision today. Slow down.”
  • “My box of animal crackers says may contain nuts, so I've been inspecting each animal before eating it.”
  • “Can anyone tell me why my cabinet lights keep on blinking when the washing machine is up?”
  • “My cat recently threw up. Does anyone know if cats are now getting Covid?”
• The two riff on neighborhood paranoia, bad tech support requests, people calling the police over dog poop, and the crowd-sourced comedy of crowd-sourced small-town living.

Notable Quote

• “These people are so incredibly unintelligent. It's insane.” (Bryan Green, 49:33)

8. Closing: Tour Announcements & Listener Connections (50:35–52:35)

• Bryan and Chrissy reiterate details for upcoming Florida live shows (Dania Beach Improv & Orlando Funny Bone).
• Instructions on how to buy tickets, avoid scams, and connect via the podcast’s social channels.
• Invitation to engage: “Send us your questions, comments, concerns...If you’re going to be at one of those shows, let us know!”

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Memorable & Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• On Starbucks’ energy drinks:
  “I am walking back from that coffee shop today. I thought I was gonna have a heart attack...I look at my watch, it’s like 192 beats per minute.” (Bryan Green, 10:41)

• On birthdays:
  "I don't like a lot of attention paid to me unless I'm in direct...control of it. Unless, like, I'm doing it my way.” (Bryan Green, 17:17)

• On dating advice:
  "My key to getting women to pay attention to me was just to talk to them. Like, not necessarily picking them up or trying to hustle them." (Bryan Green, 26:49)

• On following your dreams:
  “If you never find riches in art, you will always find comfort in it and you will find creativity in it and you will find love and, you know, space and freedom somewhere on that canvas.” (40:49)

• On the neighborhood app:
  "My roommate says there’s an older man at LA Fitness that likes to bait men into joining him for a business lunch...but his real objective is to have them join the Bible study.” (47:59)

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Episode Flow: Timestamps for Key Segments

• Political Banter & Starbucks Rant: 00:00–06:00
• Starbucks Caffeine Story: 06:00–13:40
• Pumpkin Spice/Birthday Talk: 13:41–18:34
• Tipping & Freebies: 20:00–22:20
• Elvira/B-Movie Tangent: 22:22–26:00
• Ask TCB—Paul/Dating: 26:00–30:42
• Ask TCB—Abby/Relationships: 31:00–35:37
• Ask TCB—Aspiring Artist: 36:43–41:20
• Nextdoor Absurdity: 42:56–50:30
• Tour Announcements/Outro: 50:35–end

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Tone & Original Language

Bryan and Krissy deliver the full episode with their signature blend of self-conscious, sometimes intentionally clumsy, humor, enthusiastic digressions, and unexpectedly sincere pep talks. Quotes and advice are delivered with sarcasm, warmth, and occasional blushing honesty. No moment is ever too meaningful not to be undercut with a joke—yet their listener interactions show an underlying affection and solidarity, especially for those “just trying to make it.”

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Summary Takeaways

• Be yourself—whether hitting on someone or making art.
• Embrace the chaos—no one has it figured out, not even Bryan and Krissy.
• Laugh at life’s absurdities, both online and off.
• Send in your art, and Bryan will channel his "Simon Cowell of painting" for a verdict…with love.

Transcript

[Brian Green]

It's 65 hot dogs. You better win some money. And I mean a pretty penny because if I'm shoving all them wieners down me like that, I'm leaving here with something. On this episode of the Commercial break. Send us some of your art. Yeah, send us some of your art. Let me determine whether or not you should, you should get another dead end job or try and make a living doing this. I'll give you my answer. I'm the Simon Cowell of painting. I don't know if you know that, but the next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green, this is the gendam. I've been Chris and Joy Hly. Best to you, Chris, and best to you, Brian, and best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Wow, what an exciting week. Last week of 3:30 in the morning, speeches by Democrats.

[Chrissy]

I stayed up way too late.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, so did I. One night I just had to put out. I'm like, I can't do it anymore. I gotta give one thing to the rnc. You know, they got the older crowd, at least they get it done. They wrap it up by like 8:15.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

But I guess when you, you know, I don't know because it's in Chicago, you know, it's an hour earlier there than it is here and they're trying to get the west coast and I get it. But wow, what a show, what a show the DNC put on.

[Chrissy]

I mean, it was the best music, music I've seen in a while.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I got to say, you know, we don't get political here, but I do have to say that someone posted like a comparison music at the RNC versus music at the dnc. Yeah, no question, no question. The DNC had him be. I mean, what a ruckus event that was going crazy.

[Chrissy]

It was a party.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. It made the RNC seem kind of sleepy. Like, you know, Trump had just had the, the terrible assassination attempt. And then, you know, you go into the rnc, there's a lot of energy for Trump and his, from his supporters. And I thought, in my opinion, I thought like the RNC should have put on something like the DNC did and they would have really like, you know, gotten everybody all jacked up. But then they had some like cover band playing, you know, and Kid Rock. Take me home. Oh, and Kid Rock. Yes, the American music legend, Kid Rock. I honestly can't stand that guy. I never have been able to stand it. But whatever. That's. That's my own opinion. That's not whatever. Anyway, hey, Chrissy, you've been asking for it. Now you're gonna get it. Ask TCB where the questions are. Probably a year and some change.

[Chrissy]

I know. I have been asking you for it.

[Brian Green]

I know, I know we've been putting this off for a long time, and I know that there's some people who, you know, they. They do dutifully write in and they ask their question, but there's a few things that I need to go through first. First, I need to make sure that it is like when someone writes in, sometimes they don't always write it in a way where it makes sense for air. And I do not want to put words in people's mouths. So first and foremost, I have to respond to them and then say, hey, can we doll this up a little bit so that it sounds good on air? Right. I don't want to take your words. And then second of all, do I indeed have permission to use your name or any kind of facts that they might put. Put in there? So there's. It takes a little bit to kind of get that going. But even then, that could only take like a couple weeks or like a year behind. So I apologize. I hope you're still listening out there. Probably not.

[Chrissy]

Probably not.

[Brian Green]

Probably not. But I thought we'd do an Ask TCB today. I thought we'd do some next doors. I've got. I've been making screenshots of next doors that I see here and there. And I found that it was super important. Important to. To tell you what's going on here. Just north of Atlanta, where everyone seems like they don't know how to use a computer or you.

[Chrissy]

Or a ladder.

[Brian Green]

It is. It's. Or a ladder. That's true. Or a ladder. It is absolutely insane. But I will share a little story. Before we get to all that, I will share a little story. I decided today that I was going to take a walk up to my local coffee shop, which happens to be Starbucks. And I go to Starbucks. Not, you know, I like the coffee there, but I'm not, like, particularly brand loyal. I could go to a regular if.

[Chrissy]

We used to do caribou.

[Brian Green]

Loved caribou. I loved it. And I don't know what happened. They shit the bed. It's like the Starbucks overlords just kind of took over. But Starbucks recently has not been doing so hot.

[Chrissy]

That's right.

[Brian Green]

I read about them economically. So they've been. And they've been closing A lot of stores. And there's one on every. There's two on every corner, actually. If you've noticed, they're all over the place. And they've been closing stores and sales have been down. And so they've really been trying to get people in by jacking up the. There. By jacking down the prices and jacking up the amount of items that they, in fact sell inside the store. And I never. I never understand this kind of philosophy. Let's put more stuff on the menu. Like coffee is coffee. And yeah, there's a couple different variations, but if you go to an Italian. If you go to a coffee shop in Italy and you ask for a double map of Frappa crap, a fucking chino, they're like. They're going to be like, how about a coffee with some cream? You're going to be like, that sounds good. And it's going to taste delicious, right? It's going to taste better than any coffee you ever had.

[Chrissy]

Starbucks.

[Brian Green]

Now, I like Starbucks, so I'm not knocking the place, but, man, have they expanded their menu into some crazy. They've now got like, I don't know, energy. Remember those energy drinks at. What's that sandwich Panera that was killing people. And I. Excuse me, for liability purposes, to make sure my attorneys and our agents allegedly killing people because they were. Had this energy drink that had like 380 milligrams of caffeine per serving. And a Starbucks cup of coffee has 280. 80 milligrams. And that'll get you pretty well jacked up. I mean, that's a lot of caffeine. Yeah. And there were people who were just sitting there doing homework or whatever, eating their sandwiches, and they were going back for refills because the drink tasted good. Not realizing that they were, in fact overdosing themselves on caffeine. And a few people with heart problems unfortunately passed away. So. So Panera took that off the menu. They decided, hey, or either they took it off the menu or they jacked down.

[Chrissy]

They revved down.

[Brian Green]

They revved down. They said, we're just going to make like little tiny little cups and we'll give them to you so we can monitor how much we're actually giving to you rather than having the free for all over there. Now, when I was a kid, I think I told you this, there was something called Jolt. Jolt Cola.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Do you remember Jolt Cola? Kind of Jolt Cola, which I think is still around. I think you can buy it. Jolt Cola was a super energy drink, highly caffeinated. Before we really had highly caffeinated energy drinks, some enterprising young startup soda company decided if we just put a lot of caffeine and something that kind of tastes like, like Coca Cola that's been sitting out in the sun for too long, then kids will love it because they'll be able to get jacked up. Kids and truckers and, you know, teenagers that want to stay up late. And it became a news item. So therefore I watched the news as a young man and really wanted to buy this, yeah, legal drug called Jolt Cola. What would it do to me? How could I get it? So when I was a teenager I worked at the McDonald's and when I worked at the McDonald's it was a 24 hour gas station down the street. So we would close up shops sometimes. Let's say we were closing on a, on a Saturday night and then we had to open on a Sunday morning. There's not many hours in between there. You close at midnight, you get done cleaning at 1 or 1:30, then you got to be back by 3:30 to open by 5.

[Chrissy]

Right, right.

[Brian Green]

So one time a friend of mine and I decided we were going to walk to the gas station after we got done closing. We were going to buy some Jolt Cola and some pure, what did they call those? Easy. What were those? Those pills we used to take. No do, no do. Which is a caffeine pill. That's all it is. It's just pure caffeine in a pill and you swallow it and, and you're jacked for, I don't know, 15 or 20 minutes before you get a terrible headache and want to take a nap. So we decide we're going to buy a bottle of Jolt Cola and some noos and take them all nighter. That's right. We're going to go to the, to the Taco Bell which is also open 24 hours and they allow you to smoke inside. We're going to buy a taco, we're going to get jacked on caffeine and we're just going to smoke until we're sick to our stomachs. I am telling you what, what a Friday night. Saturday night indeed. And I'll tell you that I have never felt so sick in my entire law, in my entire life. It was horrible, terrible. It was a bad mistake because it wasn't like we just decided, let's take half a no dose and drink a little sip of Jolt, see how it goes. And then we'll. No, we split the pack of Nodos, we down them Right away, ate the taco and swallowed it down with a bunch of Jolt Cola. I was jittery for weeks. I swear to God I was.

[Chrissy]

I can only imagine.

[Brian Green]

Yes, well, now Starbucks has decided it's not only the caffeine in their grande Hepa Depa multifilter Extra crappuccino isn't enough. They're going to put together fruity, really good tasting super energy drinks. And they were giving away free samples.

[Chrissy]

Oh.

[Brian Green]

And, and so I know I'm not, you know, now I'm, I'm.

[Chrissy]

You're on to it.

[Brian Green]

I wised up back then and now I'm onto it. I know that we shouldn't be drinking this stuff. And I'm already drinking Starbucks coffee. So the people that I know up there, hey, they get this big tray of all these beautiful carbonated. I just taking a walk up there, you know, I'm a little sweaty. Carbonated, refreshing drinks. Well, I don't know what this is. And the girl says to me, hey, try our new plumberry soda drink. You're gonna love it. It's so delicious. And I'm like, ah, okay. I take one down and I'm like, wow, that is really good. I'm sitting there at the end of the bar. I'm like, wow, that is really good. That is tasty. Have another one. We got plenty. Okay, here's our, you know, here's our cherry berry flairy flavor. And I'm like, oh, let me try that. Delicious. Let me just have one more. Can I have one more? Yeah, yeah. Here's our purple nerpal. You know, try that one. Delicious. Love it. Chrissy. I am walking back from that coffee shop today. I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I could feel the heart, my heart beating out of my chest. I was getting dizzy. I was like, oh my God. Oh my God, what's going on? I gotta really get in shape. I'm totally out of shape right now. I look at my watch, it's like 192 beats per minute. I'm like going, fucking.

[Chrissy]

The alarm is going on.

[Brian Green]

The alarm is going, beep, beep. You are in active heart attack mode. Call an ambulance immediately. I was so jacked for like 15 minutes. And then I get back to the house. I'm pacing around the house, back and forth, back and forth. Blue's following me because she knows I'm about to die and she's gonna eat my carcass. And so I'm walking back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And then it comes the crash. Oh, it just happened in like two minutes. I swear to God it did. In two minutes, I went from pacing around my house to I have to lay down right this second before I fall asleep standing up. And I did. I fell asleep for like a 15 minute power nap. When I woke up, I had a headache and I was like. Well I. I'm like, what in the world? I Google what this new drink is and it's a super caffeinated extra. You know, they have, I don't know, extra crystal methamphetamine infused, you know, wild berry flavor, mountain daffodil, sunflower. It's that shit's. I'm not saying you shouldn't drink it. I'm saying you should not drink it because it's really caffeinated that gets you in trouble.

[Chrissy]

It can.

[Brian Green]

You know, Dave Grohl went to the hospital. He's like taking to the emergency room.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Oh yes.

[Chrissy]

To go to the emergency room too. Yeah, he was drinking those Red Bull. I think it was.

[Brian Green]

Well, yeah, the PCP was saying, right. Don't take the purple pcp.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, they were giving away free, you know, free stuff. The red. It was either Red Bull or Monster, I can't remember. But yeah, Jeff was drinking those. It was the last day of the festival. He. He was, you know, tired as he had been working, you know, non stop for all of these weeks really to get ready to that and same thing.

[Brian Green]

He thought he was having a heart attack.

[Chrissy]

I mean we had to go to the medical tent.

[Brian Green]

In the medical tent. Then said, let's go to the hospital.

[Chrissy]

Yes, yes. And that's where I rode in the ambulance.

[Brian Green]

Oh, in the front seat. Ambulance ride. Yeah.

[Chrissy]

And it turned out, you know, he just needed to get some fluids and he was dehydrated and just over caffeinated.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. When you texted me, I think you texted me like when you're on the way to the hospital. I'm on my way to the hospital with Jeff.

[Chrissy]

And I was like, he does not drink those at all anymore. I don't drink them either. No, too much.

[Brian Green]

Listen, I used to like a good Red Bull every once in a while, especially when I was working in the restaurant industry because they were readily available behind the bar. You just grab one. I got used to the, you know, syrup, the cough syrup flavor of Red Bull and eventually kind of liked it. I was like, oh yeah, it has a certain taste. Yeah, it does. One of my favorite high caffeine drinks is Mountain Dew. Now I know I'm a 3 year old when I say this, but Mountain Dew to me really does taste good. And it's such a. It's also highly caffe. Yeah, it's like the most high. It's the most caffeinated regular soda on the market is Mountain Dew. I believe it still is, but Mountain Red Bull is like kind of adjunct to that. The taste is to me. So I kind of got used to it. But not, not in my advanced age. I am on my way to the villages and I want to make it there. So I'm going to try to calm down on the energy.

[Chrissy]

Did you see that they had. When you're at your Starbucks, did you see they had all the pumpkin spice back out too? Oh yeah, just brought that out earlier.

[Brian Green]

I think they're going to keep it out all year long now. Well, great for the pumpkin spice because last year the girls convinced me to do the pumpkin cream iced coffee bullshit. And by the time we got to mid October, I was asking for an actual cup of the pumpkin cream. Screw the coffee. I just want the cream. That shit was delicious. And I have always been one of those guys who's been like, pumpkin spice. What are you people talking about? That's disgusting. I hate pumpkin. I would never. I don't, I, I don't like the flavor.

[Chrissy]

It's the spice.

[Brian Green]

It's the spice. And what is in the spice? I don't know. A little bit of this, a little bit of this. And Elizabeth, you have 10% store over store sales.

[Chrissy]

Right?

[Brian Green]

What's that guy's name? Schultz will be happy with this. I put a little pumpkin spice and 500 milligrams of caffeine and a friendly face at the front and union busting managers and wa bam. Starbucks. Yeah, it's very, very interesting how that pumpkin spice drives people batty. I mean, it really does. And until I actually tried it, I was like, you people are fucking insane.

[Chrissy]

I bought a pumpkin spice spice one time. I think it was from Traders Joe's. And thinking I was going to use it and all kinds of stuff, it sat there for like two years.

[Brian Green]

Well, ye not going to go that crazy. I'm not going to. Because Halloween is probably my least favorite of the holidays.

[Chrissy]

It's one of my favorites.

[Brian Green]

I know it is. I just, I don't know. I. Sometimes my household as a child was kind of sad. Like I have a birthday coming up and Astrid is like begging me. She's like, what do you want to do for your birthday? Can I get your friends together? Like, can I help? Can we do a party do you want to do a dinner? And I'm like, I know. I don't want to do any of that. And she's like, you're such a shithead when it comes to your birthday. What kind of went on in your house household as a child that you do not want to celebrate your birthday? Yeah. And I'm like, it's. It's not a special. It's the day that a lot of.

[Chrissy]

People feel that way.

[Brian Green]

I do. I really do.

[Chrissy]

I was listening to somebody else say they felt that way.

[Brian Green]

I think it's because when I was a kid, birthdays were not a deal. It was not a thing. You might get one gift from your. From my parents, and you might have a happy birthday card if you were lucky there. I mean, there was always a cake, but it was always that shitty out of a box cake. We didn't do birthday parties. I almost never had friends over all of that. Yeah.

[Chrissy]

I was also the first of any of the grandchildren too.

[Brian Green]

Okay. So that's a little bit different. I was one of 62 grandchildren. So I would always get a phone call from my grandma or my grandpa on my birthday. But it was, you know, you get the card with $3 in it or whatever, and I just felt sad to me for some reason. And now at my advanced age, after I've done this, a couple now starting to feel sad for a different reason. I'm like, shit, I don't like that number. I wanted to go the other way. And I don't want to be difficult, but I know I am. It's not because I want to be a. It's because I don't know how. I guess, like a lot of people.

[Chrissy]

Do you feel guilty about, like, you know, I feel guilty about being born.

[Brian Green]

Yes, I do. Yes, I do. I feel guilty about being bored. No, I don't feel guilty about being born. Yeah.

[Chrissy]

I feel guilty like celebrating it. Like it's. It's too much. It's. You should. You don't want the attention, believe it or not.

[Brian Green]

And I know that this is hard to accept from a guy who gets on this microphone and acts like an idiot four times a week. I don't like a lot of attention paid to me unless I. Unless I'm direct. Yeah. That's not me. Control of it. Unless, like, I. I'm doing it my way. Right. I don't want you to do it your way. I want it done my way. So astrid threw a 40th birthday party for me when I turned 40. It was a surprise.

[Chrissy]

I Came to that.

[Brian Green]

Yes. I had no idea. I had no idea until my best friend Raphael, who was in charge of getting me out of the house. He told me at the bar, after a few beers, he's like, dude, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but I just. I know you. I know you. And he knew me. And to be fair enough, he knew me, right? He was like, I'm not gonna tell you what's gonna happen. But we get back to the house, you don't act like a dick like you normally do on your birthday.

[Chrissy]

Act excited.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, what? No. What the fuck is going on? He's like, I told you, I'll get it out of your system. Now, don't act like a dick when you get there, because that's just how I am. I don't want a fuss made over me. Especially over something as silly as the day that I was born. I had no control over that. And Astrid's like, but it's another year around the sun. I'm like, but you could say that about last Tuesday. I mean, you. Honestly. We could just keep on going with that.

[Chrissy]

There's some truth to that.

[Brian Green]

There is.

[Chrissy]

Yeah. And, you know, contributed so much to the world.

[Brian Green]

Well, thank you. I appreciate that, Chrissy. And, you know, but I always. And now with my own kids, I make such a big fucking stink about their birthdays because I don't want a repeat of what happened to me as a child. And listen, that's no fault of my parents. Maybe that's just the way they were also born.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

My mom was one of eight. Like, I mean, you know, how could you possibly make a big deal out of. You'd be. Ma. You'd have a birthday. Making a big deal out of everything. Every third day with eight children. But the other thing is, is that. But I also think that the birthdays are a bigger deal to the human that had the birth, like, pushed out the baby. So every time we have a birthday, I'm always like, babe, this is your day, too, because you really did a lot of work.

[Chrissy]

That's very true.

[Brian Green]

So, yeah, so ignore my birthday, Everybody, which is January 4th.

[Chrissy]

Okay? No, it's not. I know when it is.

[Brian Green]

But you know what I'll do is I'll walk up to Starbucks, I'll get me some extra flower dandelion energy drink with some pumpkin spills.

[Chrissy]

And you probably get it for free because you get a free drink on your birthday.

[Announcer]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Hey, listen, I get free drinks up there all the time. There's Like a rotating cast. Like any Starbucks, there's 30 people up there and they're all always giving me some kind of discount or free drink. No, don't worry about it today. But because the same person never works the registers twice, sometimes I'll go a whole week with free coffee and I feel bad and I, I always tip. Yeah, well, normally my policy is what really am I tipping you? Really? Honestly, inflation is out of control. But because I know them and I also know how difficult their lives are in some small way or big way. Like I don't know them intimately, but, you know, I hear stories or they say something to me and I'm like, ah, let me give you a dollar or two dollars or whatever it is. So I think they feel like, oh, you know, he's a nice guy, let's.

[Chrissy]

Give him a big tip.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. What is it going to mean to the Starbucks overlords if I give Brian a free cold brew?

[Chrissy]

I know they're in economic trouble.

[Brian Green]

I might be. All these discounts they're giving me or the six, seven or eight times I have just forgotten to bring a form of payment up there. And I'm like, I just walked all the way up here. And so they don't worry about it. I got it. I'll be like, I'll be back later. And they're like, don't even worry about it. You know, it's. That's what I do on dates too. I'm like, oh, I just, I just took you out to a nice steak dinner and I totally forgot my wallet. Listen, I'll get you back and then ghost you.

[Chrissy]

You can't really get away with that anymore, right? Because the Apple pay.

[Brian Green]

That's right. That's why I don't wear any electronics to my. I don't date anybody because I got a beautiful wife. You don't need sand to the beach, please. All right, enough yammering. Let's take a break. And when we return, a long awaited.

[Chrissy]

Ask TCP for the anticipation.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, long awaited by. Especially by the three or four people who I've actually chosen to pull out their questions and ask. And then some next door posts that you're going to love.

[Chrissy]

It's gonna be fun.

[Brian Green]

Toward the end of the show. We'll be back.

[Announcer]

Okay, you guys, I have an idea. Why don't we take a break? Gotcha. This is the break. And you already know when you hear my sexy voice. It's time to whip your phone out and follow us on Instagram or skip the ads at the Commercial break and on TikTok@TCVpodcast. And of course, you know, if you want to get involved, you can always give us a call or text us at 212-4333, TCB. That is 212-433-3822. And guess what? I finally have information on TCB Live. So the links are in the show notes. But let me tell you right now, you can come see us at Danya beach improv on Tuesday, September 24, or at the Funny Bone Orlando on Wednesday, September 25. It's gonna be Sabbath, so go buy your tickets and we'll see you in Florida.

[Brian Green]

I am loving this. We're here in the studio, and on the break, we flip on the tv. There is a new Elvira channel. I don't know if it's on Elvira channel, but it's a channel that's playing Elvira. The Elvira, the show.

[Chrissy]

Yeah. I love from.

[Brian Green]

What was it called? Late night on Friday night or something like that. Late Friday night, Friday nights. I forget Saturday night. Something like that. Elvira, who was like, kind of this witchy woman would play the sexy witchy woman. Sexy man.

[Chrissy]

The tight black dress.

[Brian Green]

It still holds up. I'm telling you what. It still holds up. I think it. Because I. She. I was so young when I first saw Elvira, and she had those big boobs just hanging out of her shirt. I think that was, like, my first. May have been my first. Like, oh, I got a boner for a reason. You know what I'm saying? Like, I. I finally figured out why this thing got hard when I saw those. And I'm telling you what, Elvira still holds up today as an extraordinarily beautiful woman. But they're replaying these old B movies. What is this guy doing? There's like, one guy's.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, okay.

[Brian Green]

We won't get into that, But I'm not gonna get distracted by the Elvira movie that's currently on.

[Chrissy]

But the one we watched the other day was funny. It was like a LSD party.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Chrissy]

Mixed with Clue.

[Brian Green]

Yes. It was, like, really trippy Clue. And there was, like, an old man, and he was like, far out, dude. Chill, man. Nothing's gonna happen. Stay easy, bro. It was a movie from the 60s. It was really funny. Okay. Ask TCB. Okay, now, I want to preface this by saying you should not. If you're having an emergency, please hang up and dial 91 1. Listen closely. Our menu options have recently changed this. Our advice is in no way. Advice you should take. I Don't know why I have to preface saying that, but there's a lot of people on Earth and not all of them are wells. I just want to make sure. So ask tcb, Here it comes. Hey, Brian, love you, man. This is from Paul, by the way. Hey, Brian, love you, man. I love how your brain works. So I want your opinion on something. You're always breaking down videos about pickup artists and talking about what idiots they are, but I'm one of those guys who would watch those videos to get help with my quote unquote game. Oh, 27 years old. I don't consider myself ugly, but I'm certainly no Glenn Powell. He said Brad Pitt, but I put Glenn Powell because I wanted to update it. I've only had one girlfriend in my life. We were together for about nine years, and we broke up after about. And we broke up about three years ago. It took me about a year to get over it, but now I'm trying to get out there more. What would be your advice on how to approach a girl I find attractive at a bar or social event? You remember that pole viol guy who was wearing those really skinny, tight spandex and his dick was like, five feet long? If your dick is five feet long, I would highly recommend walking around in Lululemon. That's right. Nothing says I'm ready for action like Lululemon. Listen, bro, I'm the last person you should be asking this question to. I have zero game. And Chrissy will tell you this. While I do have the Brian eye, that means for some strange reason, I might. I've, like, Cheshire cat eyes that when I'm a little bit drunk, you know, sometimes somebody across the bar will figure out, yeah, put into my. Put under my charming spell. But I would be the guy when I was single who would sit at a bar and even though there was 150 beautiful, single human beings around me, I would hit on the one person in the bar who was never going to give me the time of day, and that's the bartender. But I wouldn't hit on them. I'd just, like, try and make small chat while they were working. I'd be like, man, this cold Bud Light sure does taste good. You know what I'm saying? And they'd be like, yeah, okay, great guy. I need a credit card to open up a tab. And I'd be like, isn't that funny how we always have to have credit cards these days? They'd be like, yeah, you got to give me one. I'll kick you out of the bar. And I'd be like. Speaking of kicking, I used to play soccer. I don't know if you. I know if you're the guys with big thighs, but I was terrible at picking up women. Terrible at this.

[Chrissy]

Well, I think. Well, I think that you also. Because I saw you in action for many years as we were. As we were in our single days running around together. But you're very personable. And also, you're not trying to pick somebody up. And I think that in itself, you shouldn't try.

[Brian Green]

I think you're right about that. Is that my key to getting to being. Getting women to pay attention to me was just to talk to them. Like, not necessarily picking them up or, you know, trying to hustle them.

[Chrissy]

Like saying a line. Yes.

[Brian Green]

None of that, you know, or. You know, I see some guys at the bar, they meet a girl, Three seconds later, they're sticking their tongue down their throat. I'm not that kind of guy. I'm not Glenn Powell. They're not going to be attracted to my raw sexiness. You know what I'm saying? I don't have some, you know, musk coming off me that says, this guy needs to be tackled. That's right. Yeah. You got. I'm a acquired taste. You gotta work into me. I'm like a wine. You gotta open and let me breathe for a while.

[Announcer]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So therefore. And I knew that very early on, because really, at the end of the day, I was just a shy kid who found a voice. So for me, just be yourself. If you see a young lady, I'm assuming that you're attracted to young ladies, because that's what you said. If you see a young lady at the bar or at the social event that you find attractive, first of all, they got to have that smell. Here's the key. Do they have the smell? Can you. Can. Are you like. Is there raw attraction to this person or are they just a pretty girl? Because. Just because someone's pretty doesn't mean they're for you. Just because someone's attractive doesn't mean they're necessarily going to be very true for you. Do they have that je ne sais quoi that makes.

[Chrissy]

That's right for you?

[Brian Green]

Yes. Let me give you an example. I went to a social event one time, and there were a number of single people there. Yet I picked the most batshit crazy of them and took them home for the next four years. But. And listen, I say that jokingly, right? But what I do know is that there was something about that human being that made me very attracted to her. Even though there were other people in the crowd that may have been more attractive physically or I probably could have gone up and talked to also. It was that one. I singled it out. Why? I don't fucking know. It's that X factor. It's that thing that you just can't put your finger on.

[Chrissy]

That is that thing.

[Brian Green]

So you gotta learn to hone your spidey senses a little bit. Then you just kind of work your way over there and see if you can get a word in edgewise. Right now if there is a girl sitting with a table of. If she's like sitting with a bunch of other guys, not the best move to go up and talk to her. I would say you look for opportunities also. You know, what is it? Opportunity is the mother of invention. Well, opportunity is the mother of intention also. And that means when you see an opportunity to talk to somebody, take it. The worst that can happen is that they just don't like you and you walk away from the conversation.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, it's okay to be rejected.

[Brian Green]

That's right. And I think that 90% of the human beings that you will talk to in most situations are going to at least say hi back. Now, you might not get their phone number, but who fucking cares? Okay? You know, you lose 100% or you don't make 100% of the shots you don't take. Isn't that what they say? So, bro, all seriousness, be yourself. There's a nice guy, cool guy, sexy dude somewhere down in there. You don't have to try and find that. Just try and find your own voice. Like how you talk to people. Go talk to a girl like that if you find her attractive and call me back and let me know how that goes. It's 9.99 plus 9.99 shipping and handling for that course. Course. Thank you very much. But I'll tell you what you shouldn't do.

[Announcer]

What?

[Chrissy]

You should do those courses.

[Brian Green]

Yes, Any of those courses. Or pay for those courses. Because they're going to try and make you think that there's some scientific magic formula to all that bullshit. And I just don't think there is. I think it's just like time, space, energy, fate.

[Chrissy]

But you do have to put yourself out there.

[Brian Green]

You do. Yeah.

[Chrissy]

That.

[Brian Green]

That is for sure. You're not going to get laid sitting at home playing Minecraft. That. That is for sure not going to happen. I say that, but then you could call a lady of the night and ask her to come over and have sex. But who wants to do that for the rest of their lives? You know what I'm saying?

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I wish you the best of luck. I know you're 27 years old, dude. You got so much time in front of you. So much time in front of you. I didn't find Astor till I was 63. That was over 20 years ago. Look at me now. I'm 83. I'm doing great.

[Chrissy]

Another year around the sun.

[Brian Green]

One more year around the sun. Hey, Brian and Chrissy. Abby here. Hey, Abby. Love you, too. You're honestly my favorite part of the day. I love getting up each Tuesday through Friday, taking a run, and getting in my daily laugh with tcb.

[Chrissy]

All right.

[Brian Green]

But I have a question for you. I am gay and I have a girlfriend. We've been together for almost two years. Our families are pretty supportive of our relationship, but my girlfriend has a brother who is pretty extreme in ideologies and beliefs. I know you guys don't talk about politics, so I won't mention specific ideologies, ideologies or beliefs, But I think you get where I'm going. He's always cordial to us at family events and gatherings. But recently, we had. They or she had a big family barbecue, and a number of his friends showed up. It got really uncomfortable really quickly. A few of them were snickering in the corner, and some of them didn't even talk to me. I don't think I was making this up in my head or paranoid. I think they really didn't want to be around me because I was gay. That's not the problem. I've dealt with that before. My concern is how my girlfriend handled it. She actually left me for about 30 minutes to go talk to her brother and his friends and didn't even wave me over or introduce me properly. This has really been stuck in my head for the last couple of weeks, and I don't want to make a huge deal of it, but I do want to say something. How would you handle it? Your bad advice is welcome in this situation.

[Chrissy]

I mean, I think you have to voice your concern.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Chrissy]

Be honest.

[Brian Green]

If you can't talk to your girlfriend about things, you gotta find another girlfriend. You know what I'm saying?

[Chrissy]

Feelings. You didn't do this. And she maybe did. Maybe she thought she was protecting her girlfriend from her brother and his dumb friends.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I mean, your girlfriend cannot extricate herself from the bigoted side of her family. That's the unfortunate part. Can. None of us can. Oh, man, do I wish we could sometimes. But you know, there's always one idiot in the crowd and her brother happens to be the idiot. Or uninformed, or not intelligent or whatever you want to say. But it's clear that he's got some, you know, he. He leans in a certain direction. That's small minded. That's okay, you said it. We all deal with that in some way, shape or form. We've all got some idiot that doesn't like us for some small minded reason. Actually, Chrissy and I have quite a few people that don't like us for some small minded reason. Or maybe it's not that small minded. Maybe they're the ones who really know what's going on and we're small minded. But I would say that if you cannot open up this discussion immediately with your girlfriend, then I don't know. I don't know how deeply the two of you are connected. The truth is, what Chrissy said is that you don't know what her intention was to. To sweep something like that under the rug is not a good idea. And now you're weeks. Well, actually now you're a year and a half.

[Chrissy]

Let us know if you're still together.

[Brian Green]

Let us know if you're still together. But this is like one of the key foundations of a relationship. You have to be able to communicate. Listen, Astrid and I do this all the time. We might go. Okay. Actually, Astrid never goes too long without sharing why she's upset with me because of something that I've done. And also she has a terrible poker face. She will slam. You know, she'll hit close the cabinet a little extra hard. She'll stomp her feet down the hallway. I know when something's wrong and I just figure, let's nip it in the bud right now. Let's just get it over. Yeah. I, on the other hand, have a great poker face. And sometimes I do let things fester for a couple of days before I share it. But the reality is, if you're gonna at all have a lengthy relationship with this woman, who you've been with for a long time, by the way, sounds like you all have been together for a minute. Then you have to learn how to say the hard things out loud in a way. Listen, I've said this for years and I'll continue to say it. I've been saying it to my children a lot lately. You can tell the truth. You can be truthful without being hurtful. You can be truthful without being hurtful. My feelings were hurt at the barbecue. In 2019 that we went to.

[Chrissy]

I've been thinking about it ever since.

[Brian Green]

I've been thinking about it ever since that we went to. When you went off in the corner and talked to your brother and his shithead friend and you didn't even wave me over to kind of ease the whole situation or to introduce me or to try and I think the girlfriend.

[Chrissy]

Was trying to save her and was maybe embarrassed by him and thought, let me just go take care of it.

[Brian Green]

And protect you very well might be right about this. And you know, so that's my advice to you. This is more of a serious question. I don't want to.

[Chrissy]

You gotta find out.

[Brian Green]

You have to find out. You gotta ask. Don't sweep that shit under the rug. I'm wondering what you guys do talk about at night. Like, honestly, that sounds like a conversation, right? For, like, for Astro tonight, have a three hour long down the rabbit hole conversation where I did everything wrong and she's always right. Which by the way, 99% of the time is factually accurate. So. Okay. Hey, TCB. Listen to you every day when I can while I'm working at my terrible job. I hate it. They treat me like shit. I'm not sure most people I work with with know my name and my boss is just a bully, but I need the money. I really want to be an artist and just paint for a living, but I don't even know where to start. I've put a few of my pieces in some local art galleries and art shows, but nothing has sold. So I don't think I'm going to be making a living doing this anytime soon. What kind of advice do you have for a 22 year old unskilled woman looking to get out of her dead end job and do something that makes her happy? I was thinking about being an Instagram model, but I believe my boobs are too small. Best to you both. Advice welcome.

[Chrissy]

I've got one word. Etsy.

[Brian Green]

I've got two words. Boob job. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean.

[Chrissy]

You can make money and put your stuff for sale.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's.

[Chrissy]

And there's something for everyone. Including small boobs.

[Brian Green]

That's right.

[Chrissy]

Some people really like the small boobs.

[Brian Green]

I like small boobs.

[Chrissy]

Go for both of us.

[Brian Green]

I'm into small boobs now. Don't send me pictures of small boobs. But I'm into small boobs.

[Chrissy]

Go for both of them. Like Etsy and Instagram.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Chrissy]

Are only fans.

[Brian Green]

Hey, I don't know you're right on it. There are so many ways to make money as an artist. Freelancing may not make you a living, right?

[Chrissy]

Might have to supplement.

[Brian Green]

You might have to supplement. But also you're in your early 20s. You know, a lot of these artists don't become millionaires until they're dead. And I know that's cold comfort for someone who's trying to make a living while they're alive doing this. But there are lots of people, lots and lots and lots of people. Look at Chrissy and I, we did not get into this until, well, until we were middle aged human beings, we didn't start doing this. And it looks like by the time we get to our 70s, we may be making a living doing this. So it's not that easy to just be a creative. You know, they all, there's all these books and movies and you know, all of a sudden someone quits their day job and they're following their dream and living their best life. And if you look on Instagram, every third human being is in Mallorca currently on a yacht, you know, with a string bikini on, looking like Kylie Jenner and making a million dollars doing nothing valuable to earth. But the truth is, is that they are also probably have a day job where they're miserable and their boss is a bully. Listen, I say this in all sincerity and understanding where you're coming from because I, Chrissy and I also did it for a long time. I have had a series of jobs that I dislike with a, a fucking passion. But that dread, them's the brakes that is life and it ain't going to change anytime soon. No government is going to start handing us checks just to live and breathe and do the thing that we want to do. So oftentimes you have to do both at the same time. You can work and then find purpose in other things that you do. And the truth is that not everybody is going to be a multi millionaire artist. It's just not going to happen. Not everyone is going to become a multi dollar podcaster. But Chrissy and I are working hard at that. We're working hard to make that first dollar. And I will tell you what, if you never find riches in art, you will always find comfort in it and you will find creativity in it and you will find love and you know, space and freedom somewhere on that canvas. But you may not be able to do it like just do that for a living. However, if you put your reps in and you keep doing it, there is a good shot that someone or an audience of people are going to be attracted to what you're doing and they'll be willing to pay you some. Something, whether that's energy, time, compliments, whatever it is, money, something, so that you can get a little boost in that passion that you have for being an artist. Plus, you're going, yeah. You are so incredibly young. This is the beginning of your life. You have plenty of time to. Sorry. You have plenty of time to sort this all out. You keep trucking, you keep telling that. You keep talking about your boss behind his back at the water cooler because that's what we all do. And by the way, if your boss is really that much of a bully, there's another dead end job somewhere where your boss is nice, Right? Yeah. You don't have to feel stuck in that. You can actually go find another dead end job where there's a nice guy. Guy on the other nice girl on the other side of that. I love you. I love your passion and I think you're going to do just fine. Like I said, doesn't always work out monetarily. I don't want to. I don't want to blow a smoke up anybody's ass. Right. And make them think that it's just easy to quit your job and go there. Because like I said, that's a fantasy that we all have. But it doesn't always work out. It doesn't always work out. Not everybody becomes Taylor Swift. As a matter of fact, only one person became Taylor Swift. And she's exceedingly rare, you know.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And. But send us some of your art. Yeah, send us some of your art. Let me determine whether or not you should. You should get another dead end job or try and make a living doing this. I'll give you my. I'm the Simon Cowell of painting. I don't know if you know that, but I'm here for it. I'm here for you. And we love you too. Keep on trucking, kid. Yeah. You got this. You got this. Don't worry about it. Look at us. I feel like we're giving positive advice today, Chrissy. I feel like most of the time we just end up being jerks. Now I feel like we're being jerks with a positive spin.

[Chrissy]

That's right.

[Brian Green]

Crushing people's dreams. See? Being truthful without being hurtful. Crushing people's dreams in a. In a nice way.

[Chrissy]

Taking your own advice.

[Brian Green]

That's right. All right. Chrissy and I are gonna watch some of the Selvira movie and then we'll be back after these words.

[Announcer]

Hello, my fans. I mean, Brian and Chrissy's fans. Boy, have I got news for you. We are officially coming to Florida for two TCB Live. That's right. You can come see Brian's bald head shining under the stage lights at Danube improv on Tuesday, September 24, and at the Funny Bone in Orlando on Wednesday, September 25. If you can't make it to see us in person, text us or call us at 212-4333, TCB and leave us a little love note instead. As always, please, please, please follow us on Instagram at the commercialbreak break and on TikTok @TCV podcast. Our content is shockingly good, so get after it. And you already know I put every single one of those links in the show notes. You're welcome.

[Brian Green]

Oh, this is a classic movie we're watching here on the Elvira Channel. We'll turn it off here in just a second. It's a Wolfman, but I don't know if you notice, he's also the President. So he's President Wolfman. He's president by day, Wolfman by night, or watching bad B horror film. B. What do they call them? B movies. Yeah, B movie horror films. Oh, here comes the Secret Service. Thank God they don't know that they're shooting at the president, who happens to be the Wolf Man. Well, there he is, going to the White House now, because that's how you. You enter through the front door. Yeah. You go to the White House, you.

[Chrissy]

Walk across the lawn, get right up to the door.

[Brian Green]

Oh, that's amazing. All right, so last couple weeks have been very interesting here north of Atlanta, and I thought I'd keep you abreast of what's going on on. Speaking of small boobs, I thought I'd keep you abreast of what was going on. Next door has got to be the greatest social media app that ever existed. And I'm really sad that you don't get the same version that I do.

[Chrissy]

I get actual crimes.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you get actual. Yeah. Murdered on Fourth Street. I was murdered on Fourth Street. I, however, do not get that. I get a lot of horseshit. Now, listen, there are serious crimes that happen up here, too, but it doesn't seem that anyone's posting about those. They're only posting about what they think are big deals, but to me, are just hilarious. You ready?

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Okay. Looking for doctor to perform emergency surgery. Any recommendations? Okay, ready. Does anyone have any firsthand knowledge of a good bathroom cleaner? Prices are getting out of control. What Happened in the bathroom. Why are prices out of control? Let me ask you. Why are they raising the price?

[Chrissy]

No. That does remind me that when I did look at nextdoor of the pastime on my app, I noticed that someone was selling bathroom cleaner discount in bulk. So maybe we need to connect those in bulk.

[Brian Green]

Need help installing a printer? Says Amy.

[Chrissy]

Don't we all?

[Brian Green]

Hold on one second.

[Chrissy]

Installing a printer. I mean, they want somebody to come into their home and install a printer.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I mean, doesn't it come with instructions? What kind of printer did you buy? Warning. Publix at the park at said city. Publix at the park here, north of Atlanta. Shopping carts building up.

[Chrissy]

And a picture.

[Brian Green]

A picture of a bunch of shopping carts.

[Chrissy]

So glad they alerted everybody.

[Brian Green]

Okay, you ready for this one? This is my favorite kind. And they do this all the time. People do this all the time. Almost had a head on collision today. Slow down. Almost that. A head on collision. Slow down. My box of animal crackers says may contain nuts, so I've been inspecting each animal before eating it.

[Chrissy]

What?

[Announcer]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

It's gotta be a joke, right? It's gotta be a joke. But people are taking it seriously in the comments. They're like, many, many food items contained nuts or were made in a nut factory. Be careful. Here, here's one you. You should call the FTC for fake advertising. Fake advertising. That's funny. Which one? And electricity. Question. Can anyone tell me why my cabinet lights keep on blinking when the washing machine is up? Sure, no problem. If you have any Styrofoam, please let me know. I think my dog is starting to look like a person. Picture of dog attack. Which is true. Actually, I think it is. Any recommendations for good dentists? I'd like a dentist for adults, please and thank you. As opposed to. I mean, I know they have pediatric dentists. What's the average my guy is charging for yard serving. What's the average my guy is charging for your service? I don't know. Why don't you ask him?

[Chrissy]

I know.

[Brian Green]

This is to my neighbor who lets his dog poop on my pine straw.

[Chrissy]

I can imagine.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Shame on you. You've been recorded by my doorbell camera. I am alerting the authorities. Why would you put that on next door? I know. Oh, my God. Shame. Shame on you. I need Dell laptop help. I do not have a cell phone and my keyboard doesn't work. Any suggestions to which one commenter wrote. How did you write this? Anybody know why there is a drone flying outside my window? Feels creepy. I would say yes. Sir. Yes, ma'. Am. Look at this. She says, where is the yellow sun? Can someone explain to me why the sun has turned white? I glance toward the sky today and I notice that the sun is no longer yellow. Is this a sign of trouble? I think it's a sign that you're staring at the sun for too long.

[Chrissy]

The pictures.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. To which someone writes, the sun is white, you dumb. Dumb. People are getting mean. My roommate says there's an older man at the LA Fitness that likes to bait men into joining him for a business lunch to discuss networking opportunities. But his real objective is to have them join the Bible study. Now, wait, someone put. I'll allow it. Someone else says, I really thought this was going. Going to go in another direction. And I'm sad. It was, wasn't. I did too. I thought, like, oh, he's. He's approaching men to get him into bed. Can anyone help me with my Christmas lights? It's August. It's August. What kind of nest is this? Need referrals to someone that can help me identify nest. Need referrals to someone who can help you identify a nest.

[Chrissy]

Like a bird nest?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Like, who you going to call? The local bird nest identifier. Are there any car washes that still clean the inside of your car? No, they don't. They don't do that anymore. My dog is on the loose. Update. I found him on the same post. Not an update. It just said update. I found him. My cat recently threw up. Does anyone know if cats are now getting Covid.

[Chrissy]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Green]

These people are so incredibly unintelligent. It's insane. My son is coming over from Alabama and I really want his room to be nice. Thank you.

[Chrissy]

Oh, good.

[Brian Green]

How can we help you? What can we do for you? Someone replied. They said, I'm free on Tuesday. I think people are just fucking with this lady now. Yeah, but it's a lot of fun. Oh, my God. I've got 600 of these. I swear to God I do.

[Chrissy]

Yours are the best.

[Brian Green]

I take a picture every time I go on next door. I take screenshots, but when I take a screenshot, then this annoying pop up comes up and says, do you want to share this? And I'm like, no, I just want to take a screenshot of it. Next door is the worst app. I think this is the one we need to be looking out for, Chrissy. I really do. Yeah, I really do. All right. Chrissy and I are extraordinarily excited to announce that we've been announcing that we're going to be down in Florida.

[Chrissy]

Put it on next door.

[Brian Green]

I'm going to put it on next door. Wanted these two idiots need tickets to the. Need tickets to TCB in Florida. Have any? Yes, that's what I'm gonna post. And if I get it, if I get a response, I swear to God I'm gonna let you know. Okay. Those two shows in Florida are the 24th Dania Beach Improv, the 25th Orlando Funny Bone. Meet us at the Bone those two nights. We have tickets available now on our website on the show notes of the this particular episode. You can also find it on Instagram or you can go to the Funny Bone Orlando website or the Dania Beach Improv website and you can buy the tickets directly from them. Don't buy your tickets anywhere. Don't buy no man's ticket. Buy them directly from a place that you trust. Cuz apparently there are a lot of scammers on these small comedy shows. You know, they try and charge you $50 and it just.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, yeah, you'll get an actual ticket.

[Brian Green]

More expensive or you may not get a ticket. Yeah, you know, you may just get a, I don't know, an email that says this is your ticket and we'll probably let you in because there won't be anyone there anyway. So don't worry about it. 212-433-3822. That's 212-4333. TCB questions, comments, concerns, contents, ideas. If you're going to be at one of those shows, let us know. Know Ask tcb. I promise I'll get to them sooner. Send us though. All those Ask tcbs were from our old phone number. We've had that phone number since February. So that just goes to show how. How old they actually are. Behind we were also go to tcbpodcast.com all the audio, all the video and your free TCB bumper sticker. Hit the contact us button. I want my free sticker. Give us your address. And away it goes at the commercial break on Instagram. Please follow us. TCB podcast on tick tock and YouTube.com the commercial break. Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for now.

[Chrissy]

I think so.

[Brian Green]

But I'll tell you that I love you. I'll say best to you and best you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time. Chrissy and I always say, we do say and we must say goodbye. Sa. If you got a softie in your brain, you're gonna have a softie in your pants. You know what I'm saying.