← The Commercial Break
The Commercial Break
The "Up" Massage!
01:09:59
EP(38: Bryan and Krissy have returned to the studio after ANOTHER lengthy vacation! What a life! Anyway....Bryan returns with a bad back and a need for deep tissue work. He goes searching and finds UP Massage just steps from his home. He makes an appointment over text while 38,000 feet over Canada and when he shows up for the massage, it goes about as well as expected.
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- [00:09]
A
On this episode of the commercial break, I had a massage with her one time and, and we did it. Like a three and a half hour massage.
- [00:17]
B
Yeah, Jeff got that before.
- [00:18]
A
Yeah, I went on forever. She just kept saying, okay, you know, we're, we're approaching the hour. Do you want to do another 30 minutes? And I kept saying yes until I. We were three and a half hours into it. $700 into it, right. Estrin was like, what the fuck? Astrid went to somewhere. She like went out with a friend or something and she came back and I'm half naked in my child's room. This lady still there three and a half hours later, she's like, what is going on? I go, don't worry, not sex would have been done a long time ago had it been that. That would have been a five minute massage. The next episode of the commercial break starts. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co host of this show, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.
- [01:09]
B
Best to you, Ryan.
- [01:10]
A
Best of you out there in the podcast universe. Every time we come back to the studio after a long break, I always feel like something's amiss with my headset. But it's not. It's just me getting used to the sound of my own voice again.
- [01:19]
B
That's right. We've been away for a while.
- [01:22]
A
We have been away for a while. Look at us taking a vacation every five days.
- [01:25]
B
I know.
- [01:26]
A
We're here for a day, we take off for three weeks, we come back for a day, we're off for four weeks.
- [01:31]
B
Yes.
- [01:32]
A
Not that we're trying. Nothing's wrong with the commercial break. We just have a little bit of a different schedule this year and that's the way it is. So deal with it. There you go. But if you're catching us, you can catch us live on YouTube.com thecommercial break. Usually when we're here. Yeah, when we're here.
- [01:47]
B
If you can figure out this week and next week.
- [01:49]
A
Yeah. See if you can find patterns. See if you can find patterns in our. In our patterns.
- [01:54]
B
Yeah. I don't think AI could even find our patterns.
- [01:58]
A
AI's giving up on me. I had a whole thing going on with ChatGPT about the commercial break and even it imploded, it was, it decided it didn't like me anymore. As the other day I was like the, the I go, hey, chat. And I was talking to it about a content idea that I had and it. And it goes. It's been a long time since you've given me new episodes of the commercial break. Everything okay.
- [02:24]
B
Welcome back, Brian.
- [02:25]
A
Welcome back, Brian. Welcome back, Katte. So we've been out of town for a couple of weeks. I went to Spain. I've been went to London, I went to Spain. I was in New York. Gustavo got married. So congratulations to Gustavo and Ali. And if you're saying this story sounds familiar, it's because they did have two weddings and I went to both of them. So we'll get into all of it. I'm very excited to share all the shenanigans that went on with three children gallivanting around Europe. I think they did pretty good, actually. I'm giving my kids a little, little credit, even though they're shitheads on most days. And they. And you can't take the, you know, you can take the out of America, but you can't take the. You can take the America out of the. But you can't take the shithead of whatever the saying is. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Jet lag is still fucking.
- [03:17]
B
I'm just saying, do you know what time zone you're in?
- [03:18]
A
I have no fucking clue, actually. Because as soon as I got off a plane from Europe, I got back on a plane to New York and then had to adhere to some kind of schedule for two days, including being in town when the Knicks and Donald Trump and that whole thing.
- [03:33]
B
Right. You were there.
- [03:34]
A
Yeah, was there. Luckily I was about 30 blocks away from any of that drama. But Even with even 30 blocks away, I will say this. We, you and I were here when the worst to first Braves madness happened.
- [03:49]
B
That's right.
- [03:49]
A
And then subsequently, year after year after year, as the Braves went on an epic playoff run, you know, year after year after year, we got spoiled. We were just used to them being in the MLB playoffs. And then it didn't happen for a couple of years. Couple of years. The teams, you know, they danced with the playoffs, so they got in, into the, into the regionals, but they would kind of fall apart after that. And then like four years ago, five years ago, the Braves won the World Series.
- [04:17]
B
So exciting.
- [04:18]
A
And the town was insane. Like everybody was all about the Braves. It felt good. The team, the town came together, the team was doing well. I went to a couple of the games. It was just like, I've never heard something so loud in my life. Every. Everybody in Atlanta feeling good, having problems. Mania, Braves mania in this town now. New York and Atlanta are Two totally different towns for sure. There's Southern charm down here. You have a different attitude, a different mood. It's a different city. It just is. New York is the city. There's no city like it in the world. Nowhere in the world. It is like New York. But when I even was getting on the plane, people around me on the gangway while we were waiting to get on the plane, everybody around me talking about the Knicks. They didn't know each other. They were people wearing Knicks jerseys, Knicks hats. They were talking about, you know, could they go to the game? They wish they could go to the game. One guy that was behind me, a couple of people behind me talking to the lady worked at Madison Square Garden.
- [05:16]
B
Oh, wow.
- [05:16]
A
He was the tech guy that put up, that made the, the stuff that goes on the big screen, right on the screen. That's what he did. And he would make those templates and those designs and he would, you know, work with the team that, that would then put them up through the game. So I was listening to him talk to this lady and he lived in like Evanson, Indiana or something like that, but he would fly into New York for three or four days a week. Sounded familiar to me. And he was even saying like, you know, he's been working for MSG for 15 years and this is like nothing like it. The town was insane.
- [05:49]
B
Yeah, I saw there were watch parties all over the city.
- [05:52]
A
All of every park had a watch party. As I, When I got back from dinner at about 9:15, I got into my hotel room. You know, I'm around a bunch of big buildings. You can. I had a balcony in my room. You could just go on the balcony. You could see in the city, like all the people that are watching their televisions watching the Knicks. It was very exciting on the town. Like where I was in soho, people had written things on the sidewalk like, about the Knicks, like, you know, facts about the Knicks, statistics, you know, cheering on the Knicks. And people were just stopping and reading into taking pictures. It was a very, it was like a very festive mood until it wasn't a festive mood until people had to wait four and a half fucking hours after paying $48,000 for a ticket to get into the five block radius that was shut down. Like it was something out of a, I don't know, like a doomsday game that you would play on your PS3. There were, they had like 10 foot fences around a five block area. That's insane. That's insane. That, that, that. Why, why did Donald Trump have to be there.
- [07:01]
B
I don't know. I was and then I was reading something in one of my news clips. They were like, yeah, he couldn't make the his son's wedding because he was too busy.
- [07:09]
A
But he golf during his son. But he ground New York to a halt for ten fucking hours so that he could go sleep at the Knicks game. Sleep at the Knicks game. That's what he did. He fell asleep. I don't, I don't fault the guy for wanting to be there. He's the president United States. That is one of the perks of being the president United States. The super bowl has a well worn path to this. They've done that. Like presidents have gone to the Super Bowl. Their presidents go to sports things. They do that. You know, I understand that that's what you want to do, but you know, like everybody else fucking knows that New York is not the place. You shut down five blocks worth of traffic for 10 hours. You just don't do that. He could have watched from anywhere else in the world and he went there. Now some people are saying that Donald Trump is the reason why the Knicks lost. Donald Trump isn't the reason why the Knicks lost. The Knicks lost because they didn't. They, they took 72 three point shots and hit one of them. Like the Knicks lost because they didn't play as well as the spurs did.
- [08:06]
B
We should blame him anyway, but.
- [08:07]
A
We should blame him anyways. Yes. And, but you, when the game was over, the craziness just ran off into the streets. I could hear it outside of my room, like, like I had my door a little bit. People screaming and yelling. The honk insane. You know, sometimes I'm walking down the street in New York, there's people honk. It's.
- [08:27]
B
Oh, tons.
- [08:27]
A
It's just a, it's a way of life there, right? You honk your horn, but you can tell that like native New Yorkers really are sick of this, sick of the honking. And I can understand why it's hard to sleep when everybody is honking their horn sometimes and it's happened more than once, I'd say four times that I've been in New York for the last couple of months. You know, a couple days a week, I'm walking down the street, someone honks their horn close. And someone that's walking around me or close to me goes, shut the fuck up. One guy goes, was that really fucking necessary? I was like, I feel you, brother. Yes.
- [09:01]
B
Sometimes a honk is not warranted.
- [09:03]
A
No, it's not. No, it's not. But, you know, hey, listen. Okay, so Knicks mania. It was very exciting to be in New York during. During that time. And. But to be honest with you, tonight's another game. And I'm glad I'm out of. I'm glad I'm out of the city for it. Soho just like. Like, it's a very cr. Crowded place already.
- [09:20]
B
Yeah.
- [09:21]
A
And I get the sense that the summertime is going to be double as crowded as it was when it was spring or winter time because the streets are just their madness. And that's. That's Stussy. That Stussy.
- [09:34]
B
I was listening to something the other day, and they were talking about Stussy,
- [09:38]
A
Stussy, Stussy, Stussy stuff.
- [09:40]
B
Oh, that brand's back in fashion. And I guess so.
- [09:44]
A
That brand is very much back in fashion because people are waiting hours, days to get into that Stussy fucking studio in New York City. And I don't. I've taken a peek in there when, you know, the windows, like at night when everything's closed.
- [09:58]
B
Yeah.
- [10:00]
A
Why are. Why are we waiting that long? I think it's cool. It's streetwear. Cool, man. Everybody likes a good pair of streetwear. But, I mean, there's like, grandma's waiting in line for hours. There's a. There's a mix of human beings that are waiting for that Stussy. And I feel like this is another. We have another Labubu on our hands. Do you know what I'm saying? That's right. Like, I get it. Street wear is cool. But I don't see anything in there that would like, at least not in the windows. I don't look in the windows and go, oh, you know, I'd really love to stand in line for four hours for that.
- [10:33]
B
Maybe it's like a resale thing or something.
- [10:36]
A
I don't know. I couldn't tell you, Chrissy, that. It's like Soho has all the shops of all the things they like. They have the. I was walking by yesterday, I was walking by the Louis Vuitton, this flagship store for Louis Vuitton in New York. It's huge. It's like two stories. It's huge. And when you walk by that store, there's a street where all of these stores are, and it's not a major thoroughfare. It's like a back street. Right. I think it's Mercer Street. And you walk down and all of the name brands, Cartier, Louis Vuitton, Chanel, all of them are there, the high end stuff. But when you walk down that street, you can't see into those stores because there's an influencer in front of every fucking store taking a goddamn video with their bag. It's so ridiculous.
- [11:24]
B
Really?
- [11:24]
A
Yeah. I say that and then, you know, here I am making content being an influencer so I don't get too rustled up about it. You don't know how many influencers shots I have walked into in, in SoHo, New York.
- [11:37]
B
Oh, I can only.
- [11:38]
A
You can't help it. You don't fuck around. I am now an official New Yorker because I do not suffer your fucking video. I don't care. I have to walk through this particular place. I saw the other day there were like two 13 year olds with their mother and their mother had the 13 year old standing in the middle of Broadway street to take a picture down the street. Beautiful shot. Absolutely. But those cars on Broadway, they don't give a shit about your fucking picture. And in the cars honking and beeping.
- [12:07]
B
Yeah.
- [12:07]
A
It's just. Don't be an idiot. Don't be an idiot. Do that at night. You know, when there's. There's never nobody down there.
- [12:11]
B
There's like a Instagram account called Influencers in the Wild.
- [12:15]
A
I'm on it.
- [12:16]
B
Yeah, Pretty funny.
- [12:17]
A
I love it.
- [12:18]
B
I think it's great.
- [12:19]
A
I think it's great. So Chrissy and I are back from our collective vacations. Chrissy was off in Colorado. I went to Spain for Gustavo's wedding. And then a little, a little rest and relaxation couple days down near.
- [12:31]
B
Yeah, I was actually playing nurse for my stepdaughter who had ACL surgery.
- [12:36]
A
How is she doing?
- [12:37]
B
She's doing okay. But man, that's a. That's a tough surgery, especially when the meniscus is also torn.
- [12:43]
A
So the meniscus is the little muscle that goes under the knee, is that right?
- [12:46]
B
Yeah, the pads, the thing. Yeah.
- [12:48]
A
Oh, the pad.
- [12:49]
B
Another layer. Yeah, in there. And you know, she's in the straight leg brace. No, no pressure at all on it for two weeks. Then only 50% pressure. So it's going to be a long time.
- [12:59]
A
How do you measure 50%?
- [13:01]
B
Well, that's what the doctor, when we were right before in the pre op, she was like, the PT will be able to tell you what, what 50% feels like.
- [13:09]
A
If someone gives me a number like that, I get nervous. I want to hit the number. Do you know what I'm saying?
- [13:12]
B
Yeah.
- [13:13]
A
Like I get nervous.
- [13:14]
B
If somebody would be nervous, I'd go over or under or something. I don't know.
- [13:17]
A
Me too. Yeah. Like, I'm not putting enough pressure to fix it quickly enough. 60%. Is that true? 70%. They have, like a. Don't they have AI that can monitor that? Can they put, like, a little thermometer in your knee or something? A little pressure sensor?
- [13:28]
B
A little pressure, senso. Yeah. So. Poor thing's gonna be a long road. But she's brave and she's doing fantastic. We're so proud of her.
- [13:37]
A
Okay, good, good.
- [13:38]
B
She's got a good friends and family out there.
- [13:39]
A
Olive's doing well out there in Colorado.
- [13:41]
B
Yes.
- [13:42]
A
I call her Olives. Her. That's not me.
- [13:43]
B
You do?
- [13:44]
A
I don't know. It just sounded cute.
- [13:46]
B
I like olives.
- [13:46]
A
Olives. Not olive. Olives.
- [13:49]
B
Olives.
- [13:50]
A
Olives.
- [13:50]
B
But then I'll be back in Colorado because we already had an actual vacation planned to go out there and see her before she did all of this.
- [13:57]
A
Oh, good. You'll have to tell me about when that is so that we can schedule our next break from the commercial break, so.
- [14:02]
B
I told you, we'll figure it out. I'm just going for a week. Not like you're three weeks.
- [14:07]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, I mean, it was a wedding. It's Gustavo's wedding. There was no choice in that. We knew it was coming.
- [14:13]
B
You were working in London. Very international.
- [14:16]
A
I am very international. And then. And then I'm going to go to. I'm going to go to Rome in. In September for another conference. Look at that. Yeah. I told my boss, I said, there's a conference in Rome I've got to go to.
- [14:27]
B
I think I might need to join you.
- [14:28]
A
You might need to join me on that one. That would be the. That would be the good one to go to.
- [14:32]
B
Exactly.
- [14:32]
A
In Rome. And then there is a wedding week that weekend. The following weekend in Venice that we've been invited to. Pure coincidence. But now I'm like, hey, Astrid. Yeah, we should do the same thing and just take two weeks and go back to Venice. We haven't been back to Venice since Astrid was pregnant with Mia. With our. One of our children.
- [14:53]
B
With my sister years ago. It's so beautiful.
- [14:56]
A
I love it.
- [14:57]
B
Italy in general. I can find no flaws.
- [14:59]
A
Absolutely.
- [14:59]
B
I can find no flaws.
- [15:00]
A
I can find flaws. I can find flaws. The Italians sometimes can be a little brusque. Some of the cities are. Are. Are cleaner than others, let's put it that way. That's Europe in general. I'll say that. But, like, if I had to give it a gr. If I had to. If I Had to grade my countries that I visited over there. I would say cleanliness and beauty, like geographic beauty. Switzerland, number one. Number two. Spain.
- [15:31]
B
Yes.
- [15:31]
A
Number three, Italy, number four, the uk. Okay. And I've been to other countries, but we'll just leave, we'll leave those four. If I have to say food, it's Spain all day long. Italy, number two, the UK and then Switzerland, though the UK and Switzerland probably fall like number 20 and 30. But we're only calling for right now.
- [15:52]
B
Yeah.
- [15:52]
A
If I had to say like my favorite, close to my, like the people.
- [15:55]
B
Yeah.
- [15:56]
A
I'd have to say the uk Spain, in the UK Only because they speak the language.
- [16:03]
B
Okay.
- [16:03]
A
And they tend to be, they can be charming. You can run into some charming people in the uk. They're not all that way. But either are we. Right?
- [16:10]
B
Okay, I know. I want to hear about your London.
- [16:12]
A
All right, I'll tell you about my London. Give me a second here. I'm trying to like, we had lots of episodes to do. I'm dragging it out. I'm doing my ratings here, Chrissy.
- [16:20]
B
Okay.
- [16:20]
A
It's very important information that people need to know. There's many people sitting out there right now going, which country should I visit first? Brian's going to tell me.
- [16:28]
B
I want cleanliness.
- [16:29]
A
I want cleanliness, Brian. Switzerland. Yeah. But if you're looking for good food, if you're looking for super warm, friendly people, Switzerland, they're nice, but they live in the fridge. The frigid temperatures, 90% of the year,
- [16:42]
B
that'll make you a little frigid yourself.
- [16:44]
A
Absolutely. And they're all, they all have more money than you do, by the way. So don't, you know, if you want to feel good about yourself, don't go to Switzerland because you're going to wonder how these people made so much money and you're still sitting in your 3 foot by 3 foot apartment in New York City. Okay. But if I have to open that rate overall, like, say like these are this, these are the countries you must visit. Spain, number one, you must visit.
- [17:06]
B
Yes.
- [17:06]
A
And skip Barcelona, your first time there. Go to Madrid, Alona. Go to Madrid and then go visit the Costa Seoul somewhere. Go to the beach. You have to go to the beaches.
- [17:17]
B
Valencia looks gorgeous.
- [17:18]
A
Valencia is gorgeous. But it is also a very crowded and now getting more expensive town. It's a bit, it's like the Mallorca. Yes. But you're gonna spend some money there, Right. So don't go there thinking, you know, you're gonna get a cheap, you know, airbnb or holiday dinghy out to the island. Yeah, that's it. Get a dinghy, put a blanket on top of your head, put some Iberico ham in the middle, a couple of, you know, cold beers or a bottle of red wine, and survive for a couple of weeks on the coast of Mallorca. Because the rooms there are a thousand dollars, right? Then number two, I would say you have to be in Italy. I would say number three is you have to go to the uk. And number four is you have to visit Switzerland. So there it is. Now, you know. So I don't want to hear anything. Don't text me and say, ah, you told me Switzerland. And then. No, I didn't. I said, go to Spain first. That's what I said. But be mindful, the Spanish people are not always so excited about the American tourists that are there in Spain. Learn the language. Don't be a fucking idiot. Don't stand in the middle of the street taking pictures. Don't bother them. Don't be yelling and screaming at 3am and go somewhere besides the touristy places. Yeah, everyone's been to the church in Barcelona. People hate that fucking church. The La Grotta Familia, whatever it is. I've been there. It's beautiful. It's amazing. It's like unlike anything you've ever seen in your entire life. It is acid. It is Ellis. It is ayahuasca in real form.
- [18:38]
B
Is that the one? That's the really, really tall one. I just was watching something on. I think it was CBS Sunday Morning. They were. It's the one that is still in
- [18:45]
A
process of 40 years.
- [18:47]
B
Yes. Okay. Yeah. That looked crazy.
- [18:49]
A
It is crazy. And he's built other buildings around the city also, right? And 140 years in the making, it's about to be topped off. And the people fucking hate it. Like, a lot of people that live around there. A lot of people in Barcelona, they hate it. Why do they hate it? Not because of it. It is beautiful. It is undeniably one of the most amazing pieces of architecture ever created by any human or alien. It's weird. You go in there and they have like, turtles and spaceships and things that are carved into the stone in the wall. All over the place. Multi colored windows that, like, shoot light off this wall and bounce light.
- [19:27]
B
Still not even done yet.
- [19:28]
A
Not even done. It's getting close, though. Next couple of years, supposedly, they're gonna. That's it, they're done. They put the last spire and they're gonna go. But don't don't go there your first time. Why not? Because I'm not telling you. Not go there. Maybe someday you should go there, but go to Madrid, go to Sevilla, Go to, you know, go down towards Gibraltar. Go do something that. No. That not all of the tourists are doing all of the time. And then you're going to have. I like that advice because all that other stuff, you can watch. Chrissy has a documentary. She'll send it to you, right? Go text her. She's going to send you the documentary. You're going to love it. It's going to be great, and you feel like you were there. Okay? But what I'm giving you the piece of advice is, is don't do the things that the locals hate that you're doing, because then. Then you're the idiot. Right? Okay. That's just. I'm just sharing that with you. So if that's what you want to go to Switzerland, then go to Switzerland. Have bad food. It'll be freezing fucking cold. But the streets are clearly clean. And maybe you meet a rich guy and you guys get married and you run off with your life. Okay. All right, now I've given you all of my advice I can give on travel. Thank you for. Thank you for showing up to the commercial break travel show.
- [20:31]
B
Yes.
- [20:31]
A
All right, now let's take a break. When I get back, we're gonna work backwards on my trip. We got a lot of episodes we gotta fill in here.
- [20:37]
B
Okay, good. I'm so excited.
- [20:38]
A
Backwards in my trip.
- [20:39]
B
Cause you and I really haven't talked about. I mean, we talked.
- [20:42]
A
We talked, but I mean, you know, friendly text.
- [20:44]
B
We were saving it up. We were saving it up.
- [20:46]
A
We know. We know. If we blow our wad on a text message conversation, we're gonna have shit to talk about. We're gonna get into find another Frankie B. Episode to go through. And we'll get to that, too. There's plenty of those. He's got like five we haven't watched.
- [20:58]
B
Ooh.
- [20:58]
A
Oh, and Paulie, couch cushions is back. Oh, my gosh. And I know we said we take a break from Paulie because we felt like Paulie might be in some real life trouble with drug addiction. We just. Assuming. We don't know. We have no idea. We don't know that.
- [21:10]
B
It was weird, allegedly.
- [21:13]
A
But I watched a couple of videos. I think they're. I think he's okay. At least I don't think he's, like, nodding out on the table. So let's do this. Let's take a very short Break. And then when we get back, we'll. We'll just go into it, okay? Everyone's here for me. All right. Hey, everybody in the chat. I see you, too. Good to see you. We'll. We'll be back.
- [21:36]
C
Okay? You're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at tcb. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid, too? You know you do. Leave a message for her or me or Chrissy at 212-4333, TCB. That's. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show, too. Just call and say something, anything. Or text us, and we'll text you right back. Promise. Then head over to tcbpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker, and we must abide. You get the point? Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and watch all the episodes on video@YouTube.com thecommercial break. Best to you and Astrid. Especially Astrid.
- [22:33]
D
I've been putting in the work I've been working out hard I've been trying my best to make it this far I've been driving so fast I've been living so tough I've been waxing my balls Will it ever be enough? Why won't you look at my body? Why do you cheat on me? Don't you love my money? On my san on sweets I'm such a lonely Frankie B. I've seen a lot of action I've been around the world But I just can't find a lady who wants to be my girl I've been getting new hair puffs I've never been so tan I'm living with my daughter eating tuna from a can why won't you look at my body? Why do your friends hate me? Don't I impress you, honey with my salon sweets? I'm such a lonely Frankie babe. I know we could be lovers I know I'm just your type why don't you come to my place? I'll touch your face Please, girl, swipe right.
- [23:58]
E
Yeah,
- [24:04]
A
Yeah Guitar solo.
- [24:07]
D
Don't you look at my body why don't you sleep on me?
- [24:13]
A
All right, so I've been traveling so much, Chrissy. That. And I know you know this because you're suffering with this right now. I was traveling so much. This damn curtain. I swear I'll. Oh, no, it's this Curtain Studios Falling apart One vacation at a time. It's also getting to the time of year when it's hot, as in here. Yeah, it is. I know. You know this. And when you do a lot of traveling, you know, it's not the easiest on your body. And as you get older, it gets worse, you know? And so I. I've been traveling to New York every week. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And at point, about a month and a half ago, I don't know what happened, but I woke up one day and I had that crick in your neck. Yeah, the crick in your neck. I was sleeping at. In New York at the. At the hotel. It's a lovely hotel. They got nice pillows. You know, it's not the Ritz, but it's also not the Super 8, right. They have nice pillows. And I was sleeping. I woke up one day and I was like, oh, man, that crick in my neck. You feel like you want to pop it, but it won't pop. You can't get deep enough. You won't pop. And then over the next couple of days and weeks, it got worse and worse and worse. I had. I got prescribed medication for it. It would help me sleep. The medication would help me sleep, but that's all it was doing, was helping me sleep as soon as I woke up. And a couple hours later, that medication wear off and I felt miserable. And when I was in Spain, this kind of came to an apex. I was just so. I was really hurting and it sucked very.
- [25:35]
B
The worst. Because it's like all you can think
- [25:38]
A
about it is all you can. It's a toothache, right? Yeah. Back pain is a toothache. I understand. I don't know how, but I'm not on Facebook much. But when I go on Facebook, I don't have the app. I go online. Like I'll open a URL, right, A browser. And I don't know how this happened. Maybe because I was like talking about being in pain. But all of a sudden I got like this whole algorithm that's directing me to doctors, pharmacists and patient advocates who are talking about how pain is chronically under treated in the United States now more so than ever. Because everybody's afraid, yes, of getting sued. You know, like the Sackler family did, or Purdue Pharma or whatever. You know, those are egregious cases of pushing narcotics on everyday Americans for any and every reason. But there are a lot of people like me, and now you, who are in some kind of pain.
- [26:31]
B
Right.
- [26:32]
A
I don't even bother going to the doctor. I'm not going to get adequate. My pain is not going to get adequately treated. I'm going to be told to go to PT and take some Advil. I already know what's going to happen. And I don't like taking pain medication just because. Anyway, like, that's not my thing. But I'm also a victim of feeling so afraid of being addicted to pain medication that I don't take it even in circumstances where I probably should. When I had that thing cut out of my neck, they offered to give me pain medication, but I never took it. When I had my root canal, the guy was like, let me give you, like, you know, a couple days worth of pain medication because you're probably going to feel like, you know, miserable. I didn't take it, but this time I was just like, oh, my God, I'm in so much pain. And so a friend of a friend of a friend called a Spanish doctor, and that Spanish doctor called in not pain medication, but like a Flexeril. So like a strong muscle relaxer.
- [27:20]
B
Okay.
- [27:21]
A
That really helped me sleep, but still did not take care of the problem. I still couldn't get that. I felt like I needed to crack it. It just wouldn't go there. Couldn't turn my head. Toothache, throbbing pain all the time. But I was. I'm not one to complain, Chrissy. You know me,
- [27:41]
B
right? No, no, no. You never hear about it.
- [27:45]
A
I have this, like, the two sides of my personality. And I think Astrid's starting to notice after a decade of being with me. I often don't say when something's wrong physically with me and she gets upset by that, right? But then as soon as I start saying that something's wrong with me, I'm a baby. I complain too much. It's like, I can't win for losing.
- [28:08]
B
I know.
- [28:08]
A
Yeah. So I just don't say anything unless it's bad enough that I'm like, it's noticeable. One day I was just a bear. I mean, a bear. I was like, ah, fuck this and fuck that and fuck you and fuck him and fuck her. And why are we here and why did we go there and what are we doing and why won't you tell me? And Esther's like, are you. Are you. What the fuck is wrong with. And I'm like. She's like, is your neck hurting? And I'm like, a little bit.
- [28:29]
B
Just a little bit. No, it's really hurting.
- [28:32]
A
So I decide that the thing that I need to do like any other. Like, you go through the list of things that you do with back pain. You younger kids out there won't understand this, but when you get older, mark this episode. Okay, here's a list of things you do. Number one, you stretch it out. You try and pop that neck. You know, maybe you go to a chiropractor, see if they can help you. But chiropractors are not there to help with real back pain. They are there to adjust you. And you go to a chiropractor when you're feeling good, to feel true, to continue to feel good. You don't go a chiropractor when things are wrong because they are not doctors of actual medicine. I'm sorry, I hate to say it. They are chiropractors. It's a special kind of weird world that they live in. And I. I love that neck popping. I love it. I love it.
- [29:14]
B
I love it so much.
- [29:15]
A
Love it. I love when they crack my back. Love it, love it, love it. But they're not going to fix what's going on with my neck because they cannot prescribe me anything. They cannot image me in a way that it's going to figure out what's going on. And they can't give me a shot for anything, any steroids. They can't do that. What can they do? They can pop my neck, but it might make it worse. You don't know.
- [29:34]
B
That's true. All right, so, yeah, especially because there's the. The muscle.
- [29:38]
A
It's the muscle thing.
- [29:39]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [29:40]
A
Now, I had a chiropractor here, local, that would give you a. Like a semi massage every time you would go with the machine. And then it's. Yeah, yeah, that felt good. That felt good. But anyway, so, okay, I'm. I'm not around my chiropractor, so I'm not gonna go to my chiropractor. I already know this is too serious for the chiropractor. Number two is you do your hot and cold.
- [29:59]
B
Yeah.
- [29:59]
A
You get your lotions and potions out.
- [30:01]
B
Yep, yep. Lidocaine.
- [30:02]
A
Yeah, lidocaine. Tiger balm.
- [30:04]
B
Right.
- [30:04]
A
You know, make your whole entire bed orange with tiger balm.
- [30:08]
B
I know. I had some kind of menthol thing out last night.
- [30:11]
A
It won't go away. Yeah, it's there. Fore. I know your pillow's gonna smell like menthol for a month.
- [30:16]
B
And the reason that I pulled my back out was I had to just change the bed. So that's why I was like, oh, God.
- [30:22]
A
Okay, time to call one of those maids for 29 cleaning services. Sorry, not a maid, a cleaning service. Excuse me, is 20, 26 cleaning professionals. Cleaning work is work. Just to let you know. And you know, I gotta go down the list. Advil, you know, okay, Hot bath, maybe some salt. I didn't have the bat. There's no, there's no. Baths aren't really a thing in Spain. You know, hot, hot showers, all that stuff would give me mild relief for a temporary period of time. And then I went to the strong stuff, you know, got some actual like, you know, narcotic flexeril muscle type relaxers and that would certainly, it was certainly helping me sleep, but mainly because it was knocking me out. I think it's just like making your muscles all, and you just fall asleep. So I, I, I knew what was next. What was next is I needed a deep tissue massage. I need a massage. And I don't need one of those 40 minute massages. I need a full shebang, 90, 80, 90 minute massage. And I need someone that's going to start slow and then work into it and get in, just get it just almost where you're crying, right?
- [31:30]
B
It's like, and you really need the full body because as my massage therapist,
- [31:35]
A
who, you know, I know her.
- [31:36]
B
Yeah. Has showed me before, she's really into it, really into the body and what it all looks like. But she showed me a picture. I mean, it's all connected.
- [31:42]
A
All of it, all of it, all of it. And when you're hurting on one side, you're favoring the other. Yeah. And I had a massage with her one time and we did like a three and a half hour massage.
- [31:52]
B
Yeah, Jeff got that before too.
- [31:54]
A
I went on forever. She just kept saying, okay, you know, we're approaching the hour, do you want to do another 30 minutes? And I kept saying yes until we were three and a half hours into $700 into it. Astrid was like, what the fuck? Astrid went to somewhere. She like went out with a friend or something and she came back and I'm half naked in my child's room. This lady still there, three and a half hours later, she's like, what is going on? I go, don't worry, not sex would have been done a long time ago had it been that. That would have been a five minute massage.
- [32:26]
B
She's good.
- [32:27]
A
Yeah, she is good, that's for sure. But it's hard because she has to come to your house.
- [32:31]
B
She does. Yeah.
- [32:31]
A
And I, I wasn't here.
- [32:33]
B
She has an actual place.
- [32:34]
A
Oh, she does. Okay. Maybe I'll talk to you about that later. But okay, so I'm on. We're on our way back. The big long flight, and that's hard. And. And, you know, it's hard. And we have the kids, and it's the daytime flight, so the kids aren't sleeping. I've been kind of, like, cramped in this. This middle row of seats with two of my children on this hard. On the hard seats with the hard, you know, side. Side rests. It's just the whole thing. Every hour that passed by, I was 8, 9, 9.25 on the way back. On the way there. 7.49.
- [33:14]
B
Sure.
- [33:14]
A
You know, they can ride those jet streams and get over there quick, but on the way back, they got to fight it. And it's, you know, the air is just flowing under here. All right, so I got. So we get over Newfoundland, Foundland or whatever. We get Internet service back as we're flying over the ocean. And I say, okay, oh, by the way, on the way there, I had Internet most of the way over the ocean. Nice. I thought, eh, it's getting good and it's getting better. I noticed. So I have this thing called Flight Aware, which is you can look at any airplane that's in the sky that's got a transponder on. You can see where they're going. You see what kind of plane it is. You can see who it's registered to. So it's a fun thing to like, follow your own flight or follow other notable, you know, flights or whatever. So I'm following our flight, and it's got a little image of an airplane that's like, you know, it's moving as across the map as it would telling you how fast we're going, how high we are. All that other stuff. Stuff like you see on the. The Delta screen.
- [34:06]
B
Sure. I always like to turn mine on,
- [34:08]
A
but I have it on this app and I now I see all the planes. I can see the plane that's ahead of us, behind us, on top of us.
- [34:14]
B
Cool. I want to get that.
- [34:15]
A
I'll get it. I'll show it to you. Like, for 29, you get a lifetime subscription and you can see all this information. It's really cool if you're into flights. For the first time ever, I noticed that the blue dot that is me where I am was flying pretty close and moving pretty close to the way the airplane was moving. So they were tracking me in the sky on the Delta Internet, which was really fascinating. Never seen that before. It's always like some server center somewhere or something. Or it doesn't show up at all. They can't get you at all. But this time, they were following us. All right, so we're over the Internet. We get Internet back, and I say to myself, that's it. Finding a place, getting massage. So I go run down the list of massage places I've been to to Woodhouse Day Spa, Massage Envy. Woodhouse is my favorite because it's a really nice. You can get, like, the whole treatment. You know, have a nice glass of cucumber water, sit in a frothy robe next to a fire with 16 other people you don't know. And you feel uncomfortable without your phone because it's in the locker. And you're like, oh, my God, where do I keep my eyes? Do I keep my eye on the lady whose boob is hanging out of her robe? Or do I. Do I cross my legs or uncross them with my hairy tees all over the place? What do I do? I don't know. You gotta make those calls in the moment. You scan the room and you say, read the room. Is everybody a voyeur here or am I the only one? Does she want to see my hairy T's or not? All right, Okay.
- [35:40]
B
I assume no.
- [35:42]
A
I always assume no. Yeah, listen, I've seen my own Harry T's. I say no. Everyone says no. But none of those places have appointments available.
- [35:51]
B
They're good for tasting, though.
- [35:52]
A
Yeah, that's one way to put it. That's what she said.
- [35:59]
B
As in, they are tasters.
- [36:01]
A
Oh, they're. As in their tasters. Of course. I do my Tasty Teeners.
- [36:06]
B
Yes.
- [36:09]
A
So I go down all the list of places, and none of them have appointments available. There's that place that I told you about with the sheets in between you. You know they hang the sheets from the ceiling.
- [36:19]
B
Yes. You went and had an experience.
- [36:20]
A
And they go like this. They blow on your back. That'll be $185, sir. They don't come anywhere close to any part of your body that might actually make you feel good. Because God forbid they do that. Right? They massage your calves a little bit and your arms and your hair, and they give you a head scratch. And they say, that'll be $285, please. Because we put sheets on the ceiling and have fancy music playing. Fuck you. Get some real massage therapists in there. I'm going to say the name of the place. None of those places, none of them have anything available for days, if not weeks. And then I just Google, hey, Massage place near me.
- [36:59]
B
Yeah.
- [37:01]
A
And up comes a place, it's got 120something odd reviews and it's called Up Massage. Up Up. Now one could. Well, it got a very professional logo. It didn't look like an erect penis or anything. Right. Had a very professional Up. We get you up. Hundred and some odd reviews. I read through a few of them. Most of them were from females. Love this place. Been going for years.
- [37:30]
B
Okay, that's a good sign.
- [37:31]
A
Found it while I was waiting for the one lady was like, found this while I was waiting for a pizza. Got a massage. It was great. I was like, how long was the wait for the pizza? I thought that was so weird. I'm like.
- [37:41]
B
And he gets a massage while they're waiting for a pizza.
- [37:43]
A
Great review about the massage place, but let's talk about the pizza place. What about that review? Was it good?
- [37:51]
B
Worth the wait?
- [37:52]
A
How cold was that pizza? What you got there? All right, all right. So I make an appointment. But you. It's like a fill out a form, right? So I fill out. I can't call because I'm on an airplane. So I fill out a form and 15 minutes later I got a text message back. A text message on the plane. And it says, hi, this is Up Massage. Got your message. You can come in tomorrow at 10am yeah. And I said, for your massage. See you then. And I was like, oh. But I didn't give you any information. Like, I don't want a male. So I start writing, female masseuse only, please. I'd like as long of a massage as possible. You know, hurting in my nicies area. You know, blah blah, blah, blah, blah. And the response is, okay, great. And then like an hour later, see you soon. And I was like, oh, okay. Rather unprofessional communication skills here. But occasionally, okay, so next morning I wake up, I know where it is. It's. I could walk there in three minutes. I mean, it's so close to my house. I never seen this place in my life. It's in a strip mall. I've never seen it because it's a door. It's like, you know, the strip malls have big stores and then a door somewhere. And you don't pay attention to that door. You pay attention. And it does have a pizza place right down at the end of the corner. There you go. Right? So I'm like, okay, all right. I get up, I. I get a cup of coffee, I, I zip over, I sit out in my car for a few minutes. I'm looking to See if anybody's going in or out of the place. Nope. And the parking lot's rather empty. It's Saturday morning. And so I'm like, okay, here we go. So. And I read some more of the reviews while I was sitting outside. And everybody seemed to think lovely of these except for one or two people that, you know, oh, whatever they didn't do, you know, I. I wanted this. They didn't do that. What? General complaints for people who probably suck in real life. But yeah, I go in, I open the door, and as soon as I open the door, I immediately regret the decisions in my life because there is a little tiny stand that's like a cashier stand.
- [39:53]
B
Yeah.
- [39:53]
A
A couple of fake plants.
- [39:55]
B
Okay.
- [39:55]
A
It's about 92 degrees in this place. I'm like sweating the second that I walk in. And a big menu board that's on, that's not hung on the wall, it's like sitting on the floor of the wall. Right? And I don't even get into reading the menu board before some lady comes running around the corner in her 50s, plastic fantastic, okay? Of. Of Asian descent, of some version, I. I assume Thai or Chinese, but I don't know, right? So I'm. I. And, and when I make this voice understand, I am not making fun of anybody. I am sharing this. This is how I heard it, right? She comes around the corner, running around the corner, you know, hello, you, Brian. And I was like, yes, I am great.
- [40:43]
B
You.
- [40:43]
A
You want long, long, long, long, long massage? And I was like, yeah, not long, long, you know, like, do you have like an hour or like half? Two? And she points to the menu board and she goes, this for you. Happy Thai massage, two hour. I do $200. And I was like, happy Thai massage. Perfect for you. You hurt. You hurt. And she goes, you hurt your neck. I go, yes. And she goes, perfect. What? Two hour happy time massage. Happy, happy. And I was like, oh, okay. You know how this is like the
- [41:13]
B
massage version of a nail salon? Because when you walk into a nail salon, they always say yes. Yeah. No matter whatever you want. Yes. Pick a collar.
- [41:20]
A
Yes. Got it. Yes, yes, yes. I have it. I did it. I want it.
- [41:23]
B
We'll do it.
- [41:24]
A
That's why they all have more money than I do, right? It's because they're the enterprising. People. And I would probably be like two hours. My hands get tired after like 15 minutes. $3,000 for a 10 hour, 10 minute massage? No. Okay, fuck you then. Bye. See you later. Don't need that guy anymore.
- [41:43]
B
Go get your pizza.
- [41:44]
A
Yeah, go get your pizza. It's probably ready. I don't need you or your pizza, you fucker. Meanwhile, these ladies are making a million dollars on the happy Time massage.
- [41:55]
B
Yes.
- [41:55]
A
But the way she was saying it. Happy time massage?
- [41:57]
B
Yeah. You're like.
- [41:58]
A
I was like, yeah. I'm like.
- [42:01]
B
And the place is called up?
- [42:03]
A
Yes. So she says, okay, be right back. And she goes, okay. Oh, no. She goes, okay, I do. You don't worry. And I go, okay. And then she runs back behind this wall, and I go, oh, do you want me to come with you? And she goes, no. Yes, you come with me. And I was like, okay, yes or no? And she was like, yes, come back to me. And it's a hallway with some doors, but these. And clearly, like massage rooms.
- [42:27]
B
Like tanning bed?
- [42:29]
A
Yeah, kind of tanning salon. Imagine that.
- [42:31]
B
Could have been a former tanning salon.
- [42:32]
A
Could have been a former tanning salon. Or a really cheaply constructed build out. Build out, Right. Like flimsy walls, doors, you know, probably 12, six on each side. 12. She opens the first door, and it's a massage table. And nothing else, just a massage table. That's it. It's a tiny room. It's a massage table. And she goes, okay, you get undressed. All the way. All the way. All the way. Get dressed, undressed, Head down. You make yourself comfortable. I'll be back a minute. And I was like, okay, all right.
- [43:02]
B
Was there any music playing or anything?
- [43:04]
A
None. Nada. Couldn't hear a fucking thing. Right. And so I get undressed. I put my head down on the hole. I have my underwear on because that's how I like to do it. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable.
- [43:17]
B
You're an underwear guy.
- [43:18]
A
I am an underwear guy. I think that's the most appropriate way. I was an underwear until your lady was like, yeah. Don't like it. Just gets in the way. Forget it. It's like it's full of oil. It's not.
- [43:27]
B
Yeah.
- [43:27]
A
She goes, who cares, right? And she goes. And I'm like, yeah, but you know. And she's like, yeah, I know. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know. You're gonna get a boner. It's just gonna happen, okay? I've seen a few boners in my life. Yeah. Everyone gets a boner. And this will be. As long as you don't stick it in my face, then we're all good. Do you intend to harm me with it? No. Okay. All right. And you probably can't help it. It's Just the way that it is. Right. So I'm a grown up. I know that. But I still, I, I still respect the fact that this is a profession that someone's not there to, you know, stare at Brian's boner all day long. And if they are, they're going to do it from under my underwear. Okay.
- [44:05]
B
Does the boner happen with the underwear on or not?
- [44:09]
A
Unfortunately, yes. My reasoning doesn't hold on this one. But. Okay. All right, so I get undressed down to my underwear. I flip down, I put my face in that little hole and, and, and, and I put the sheet over me. So it's like, you know, here. I put the sheet over me to your ribs. Yeah. And then she comes in, you know, you ready? And I go, yep. She's like screaming everything too, you know, But I find her to be a friendly face, so. Okay. And, and I'm. The whole time, yeah, I'm already here.
- [44:42]
B
You're not gonna just jump out and
- [44:44]
A
no one's gonna be like, just sucking me off without my consent. Right. So I figure at the lee, at the very least I can put my clothes on and leave. Yeah. Or run out naked with a boner. Like one of the two. So my thought, my thought, my thought process is no one has asked me to do anything on Tord yet. I have to. They have a menu board. They must give some kind of massages here. All right, so I get. So the lady comes in and she starts adjusting the sheet and she's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Naked, naked, naked, naked. That's what she says everything three times. Naked, naked, naked, naked. And I go naked. And she goes naked. And then she goes, she starts pulling my pants, my underwear down.
- [45:24]
B
Really?
- [45:24]
A
Yes. And I'm like, oh, okay, okay. And so then, you know, I help her. And now I'm really concerned because I'm like, well, I had this happen to me once with Rachel at the Happy Feet massage place. And I. Yeah, I went to the foot massage place and then agreed to get it back and had a 60 something year old lady I know get in there. Oh, she was offering me the happy ending massage. I just wasn't biting right. I wasn't. But she also pulled my. She didn't even ask. She just went. She just like pulled my pants down. But, but to be fair, I also was wearing jeans. It was like my first
- [46:07]
E
jeans.
- [46:08]
A
So I had jeans on. I was wearing jeans and underwear. I think she thought I was crazy. She was like, what is this? Okay, all right, so now I'm buck ass naked.
- [46:25]
B
Yeah.
- [46:25]
A
The sheet is barely covering me. And she starts just, like, giving me, like, a little rub, right? Like pressing her hands on me, like, you know, giving. Feel. Give me a bit. And within a minute, she goes, your left side. Way higher than your right side. Problem in your left side. And I go, no, it's in my right side. And she goes, no, in your left side. And I thought to myself, this lady doesn't even. This is not even a real masseuse. She doesn't even know what she's talking about. Anybody would know that there are huge knots in my right side that are causing all this pain. And she says, no, left side. And then she said something that I know. I. I was one second away from getting up and walking out the door. Because as much as, you know, happy ending sounds nice. Probably make for a funny story on the commercial break. I'm a married man. Yeah, no, I don't think Astrid would appreciate if I was running down the street for happy ending massages. I don't think any wife would. I don't know, maybe some wives do, but, you know, I'm not the owner of the Patriots, okay? I don't. I don't run to places for happy ending massages. I. My back really hurts, and I really need help, so I'll tell you what happened. I'm getting good at these seconds.
- [47:36]
B
You are?
- [47:36]
A
Yeah. All right. Oh, who. Who is that? Jenna? Jenny. Jenny is having surgery tomorrow.
- [47:42]
B
Oh, no.
- [47:43]
A
Oh, no. Jenny, if you're having surgery, good vibes for Jenny's surgery tomorrow, okay? Good vibes. Jenny, we'll be thinking about you and likely talking about you tomorrow. So just know that while you're under the knife, we'll be talking about you. Whatever it is, I hope it goes well.
- [47:56]
B
Yes.
- [47:57]
A
Don't write it here because, you know, keep your. Keep your privacy.
- [48:00]
B
Hipaa.
- [48:00]
A
Yeah. Hipaa. Yeah. Chrissy and I are big on hipaa. All right, well, we love you, and we hope everything goes okay. Please keep us posted. All right, we'll be back.
- [48:14]
C
Let me do something Brian has never done. Be brief. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break. Text or call us. Us 212-4333. TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Visit our website tcbpodcast.com for all the audio, video, and your free sticker. Then watch all the videos@YouTube.com thecommercialbreak and finally share the show. It's the best gift you could give a few aging podcasters. See Brian, that really wasn't that difficult now was it? You're
- [48:50]
E
just a guy who rants. Not funny at all. The co host is asleep. She's pretty dull. Why? People like the show? Why are they on the charts? What's the fuck I talking about? I should have a suit of stats. TCV is terrible. This show is fucking bad. I'd like to. I like to punch Brian's mouth. This podcast is kinda sad. Is this what we think is funny? Now how do I turn it off? My ears are saying ow. Stop laughing at yourself. Are these two making sense? At least I didn't pay. I am deaf. In my defense. TCB is terrible. That is being kind. The hosts are idiots. They left the funny behind. What is this show about? It's offensive to my soul. Brian is a hack. These two aren't funny and so old. Why all the hype? How did this get made so many episodes? None of which are great. TCB is terrible. Worst show you could do. TCB is terrible. Worst to you.
- [51:02]
A
All right. Okay. All right. Well, best of luck. Jenny.
- [51:05]
B
Yes.
- [51:06]
A
I hope everything goes well. Okay. I'm gonna leave it at that. Just for your own privacy and for your own sake, I'm gonna leave it at that. But we will be thinking about you. Absolute love you. And I hope everything goes well. That's. That's a tough one. Yeah. But I want to tell you about something first. So months ago, I got an invitation to. An invitation that probably went out to a million other people to be on a. On. On something called Backstage. Backstage is like a place where you can do like auditions and stuff for stuff in Hollywood. And sometimes voiceover. Voiceover work comes your way. So five months ago, I applied to be for a pilot of a show. A pilot of a cartoon.
- [51:47]
B
Yeah.
- [51:48]
A
And to be the. I'm not gonna say it. Cause I haven't gotten it yet. But they just texted me and said, hey, the director is all about your. Your take on this particular character. We'd love to follow up. So who knows? Maybe I'm coming to, you know, probably some Roku television show that never gets any attention. But
- [52:10]
B
that fun.
- [52:10]
A
Yeah. That'll be my fifth job. I can do that as my fifth job.
- [52:14]
B
Yes.
- [52:16]
A
So I'm now naked, laying on the. The table. The lady is telling me that the left side of my back is hurting, when in fact it's the right side of my back. And I am. I'm concerned now that I'm in a situation where this is just a bunch of people who opened up a massage Parlor. Probably without nefarious purposes necessarily. But why not? While we're here, we might as well give a couple of happy endings. You know what I'm saying? That kind of thing. And just the. Oh, and I forgot to tell you that as she's doing this whole thing, she was like, oh, you have big muscles. Big muscle, strong boy. And the way that she said it told me everything. Yeah. I am not. I do not have strong muscles. I am not a strong boy. Have you seen me? I'm a flabby boy. Yeah.
- [53:10]
B
You seen the way that the personal trainers want to get a hold of me?
- [53:14]
A
Yes. I am flabby boy. Yeah. There's no muscle going. No muscle tension or tissue or whatever. Besides the knots in my back, you wouldn't even know I had muscles. Okay, Maybe what you're feeling is the knots on the right side of my back.
- [53:28]
B
Back.
- [53:30]
A
So she starts, like, strongly massaging into my shoulders. It's hurting mainly because there's knots back there, but then because she's really going at it for like a minute and a half and. And I'm not feeling it. I'm just like, God damn. Like, this is. You gotta start slow. Yeah. Now I'm in my head that I'm gonna have to, like, bat off some, you know, question about whether or not I need. I want a happy ending. And then I don't. I don't know. I've never. I've never had a happy ending. So I don't know what happens, but I don't want to be in the situation where I have to figure it out.
- [54:03]
B
Yeah.
- [54:03]
A
The closest I ever came was the Boscolo massage. And it was that the words were never asked. Do you want a happy ending? She just started massaging the lower part of my abdomen right underneath my penis.
- [54:15]
B
Yeah.
- [54:15]
A
Yes. And she was not a masseuse. I'm convinced of that. It was the most terrible massage and then almost a happy ending. So she goes, she. So she leans over and she goes, you need forehand, forehand massage, two girl for you two, girl. And I was like, what? And she goes, two girl, two girl for you two girl. Forehand, forehand, forehand, two girl. You need. You need. And I was like. I go. She goes, I'll be right back. And I was like, wait. So she's gone for, like, two minutes, and I can hear her talking in whatever language, and they're like, laughing and talking and laughing and talking. And I'm like, oh, my God. This is. I've walked into the happy ending massage. And now she wants to do two on, you know, two on one threesome. I have. We haven't even. I haven't even been here for 10 minutes and I'm already getting the happy Thai threesome massage. I'm naked. The sheet is almost completely off me now. My, my back hurts. I'm a strong boy with big muscles, and now I'm gonna have two women in here. I'm gonna have to bat off two women. So I'm like, okay, just say that something. You got a text message, something happened. You got.
- [55:34]
B
Right, right.
- [55:35]
A
I gotta go. This isn't for me. Pay them whatever they ask for and call it a day. It was an experience you can talk about on the commercial break. This is, this is go. And I am about to lift myself up and the door opens and all of a sudden the girl runs like she's. She, like the room is so small that essentially she's on top of me in a second, like, you know, going back at my, my shoulders, right? And she the same woman, I think, but my face is down in the thing, right? And then I. The sheet. Someone pulls the sheet off and just sticks it in between my feet. So now I am buck ass naked. No sheet, no nothing on me.
- [56:13]
B
Okay?
- [56:13]
A
One lady up there just like digging as hard as she can into me and another lady stripping me naked. I. I don't know. And she leans into me and she goes, she goes like this. She goes, not, just try, relax.
- [56:29]
B
Just try it. Relax.
- [56:30]
A
You'll find through friend. Oh, how you find us? And I was like, oh, here's the code word. This is where it starts, right? Yeah, Bob told me to come. Yes, definitely. Dick told me to come. Dick told me to come. Yes, my friend Dick Cumming came.
- [56:51]
B
Oh, yes, the code word.
- [56:53]
A
Yeah, she's looking for the code word and I'm like, I go, no, I just googled you. And she's like, oh, okay, cool. You give us, you give us good review after. And I go, yeah, okay. And then, then, because now I now in my head, I'm not even really listening to what she's saying because I am ready to leave. I'm ready to leave. I'm not five minutes into this, I've got two ladies in a massage. I can't see either of them. I've got my face down in this thing and I'm completely naked and I feel exposed and vulnerable and I feel bad, like I want to get out of here.
- [57:25]
B
Yeah, your flight.
- [57:28]
A
Yes. Yeah, but I couldn't get out of there. Do you want to Know why? Because within. Within half a second of her talking to me, I feel a foot on my back, a oily foot on my back, and then a second oily foot on my back. And I didn't leave because within a minute of those feet being on my back and sliding down my butt and my legs and going all the way from the top to the bottom and the walking. And then the second lady taking her elbows and pressing into my back and cracking it multiple times. This happen the five minutes those two ladies got in there. And she's like, try to relax. Try to relax. Try to relax. And she goes, I gonna dig in now because you'll be. You'll have bruises. Bruises. You're going to have bruises. But he's okay. And I'm like, huh? And then the heel of this lady's foot sliding down my. The nostril. Yes.
- [58:22]
B
That's shiatsu, right? That's what. That's how I found Teresa.
- [58:24]
A
Thai massage. Yeah, that's how.
- [58:26]
B
That's how I found Teresa.
- [58:27]
A
I'm getting a Thai massage. One lady's using her arms, one lady's using her feet. Feet. And with. And I am almost crying at times because of how painful it is when they're sliding over these knots. But she's just trying to. You know, she's telling me, it's like, you're in bad shape. Like, you gotta retry and relax. Like we. You gotta do this. You gotta do this. And that went on for the next 35 to 40 minutes. These two ladies worked on my back in a way that I've never had anybody work on my back. They're stretching me, they're pulling me. They're pulling my hip up while one of them steps on the other.
- [59:00]
B
What they're doing.
- [59:00]
A
And I'm completely naked. Make it right. But I don't give a. Because they're sliding down my butt. One lady's foot is in my butt crack. But I don't care because it feels good. It's relieving so much tension that's been built up over the last couple of months.
- [59:15]
B
Yes.
- [59:15]
A
After 45 minutes, the first lady leaves, and the second lady's just now in there. And I don't know if there's the second lady or the first lady. I can't tell. I don't know. I've been sitting down the entire time. I mean, I've been laying down face first the entire time. But after the second. After the second lady left the massage then all of the sudden got more relaxing and gentle, like she now we're just like regular massage. Right. And she's like, you're so tight. You know, you'll have so many muscle, all tight, but it's your left side. Now we release it, he's feeling better. You're gonna have bruises, but you know, you need come in next week, blah, blah, blah, blah. And for, for two weeks now, I will say this. The. This was an hour and 20 minute massage. For 100 of those minutes, I was face down. Right. And that when the first lady was by herself again, I think the first lady, when the one lady was in there, she was really getting in to all the places in my body. Like she was not afraid to be up into my butt. Like not her fingers in my butt, but you know.
- [60:17]
B
Yeah.
- [60:18]
A
Up rubbing my butt, rubbing weight into my thighs. Yeah, yeah. And all this other stuff. And it was not the, the kind of treatment I think you would expect from like an American massage. I don't think any. I, I've never had a massage at like a regular per, like big spa where they get that close to you, you know, they're usually keeping a distance. There's a part of your body that they're not going to touch. They might like press your butt under the, over the sheet. Yeah. But they're not going to get in there with the oils and their hands and the knots. But she did, and she was all over. And then only in the last 20 minutes did she flip me over, gave me a foot mass, a leg massage. And that leg massage got really, really close to all of the personal areas.
- [61:01]
B
Yeah.
- [61:02]
A
But I didn't care because at that point I fully understood that what I was getting was probably the best massage of my life and had nothing to do with happy endings, I don't think. I didn't ask for it. No one asked me if I wanted it. I didn't say the code word. I didn't say Dick Cummings.
- [61:18]
B
Right.
- [61:18]
A
Yeah. I really just relaxed and went into it and, and the lady just gave me the best massage of incredible.
- [61:26]
B
I love that.
- [61:26]
A
And when I got home, I couldn't even. I couldn't like do this to my back without it being on fire. It hurt when I laid down in the bed. Every bit of those muscles that they were working out hurt so bad. It was so sore, it was bruised the next day.
- [61:43]
B
I've had bruising too.
- [61:45]
A
But here we are four days later after that massage and I feel so good. I will go back to this place. Yes. And I will have those ladies do the same exact thing, maybe with a Little less pressure this time. Like, because there were times when I really almost was crying. Like, I had tears coming out of my eyes because it hurt so bad. But these ladies, I love them. I want to kiss them on the forehead. And afterwards, when we're all, like, there and, you know, they're checking me out, it was the same price as any other massage I would have gotten. It wasn't particularly cheap, but. And I did two hour massage, so it was like 300 bucks, right? Yeah, with tips. But I will tell you what. I was talking to these ladies and I said, I just really didn't. I thought when you. When you started identifying the left side of my body, that you were wrong because I was really hurt by the right side. And she goes, no, your right side is where the pain is. Your left side is where the problem is. She's like, that's. Your whole body gets out of whack. And you're leaning to one side and you're favoring this side. And she goes, we see this all the time. We see this all the time. And then she goes, we work with older people all the time. We see this all the time. Older people. I go, do I look old? She goes, no, no, no. Just other older people. Okay. All right, Good thing. These two ladies, the relief, both of them probably in their 50s, maybe early 60s. And she was like, can you give us a good review? Like, you know, we're just, like, we're just a couple of women who started this massage project around for five years. And, you know, this is. We've been doing this all our lives. Like, this is what we do. We do Thai massage all our lives.
- [63:18]
B
Right.
- [63:19]
A
And when I turned over, the important point that I wanted to tell you is that lady was standing on my back for 45 minutes, doing all this dancing on my back for 45 minutes. And at one point, I started to wonder. I thought. I thought to myself, this lady has really good balance. Like, she's just, like dancing on my back.
- [63:36]
B
She didn't have the poles.
- [63:37]
A
The poles. When I turned over, yeah, I saw the poles that I never noticed when I walked in the room. Room. There were poles the length of the room, and she was walking on my back with these poles. This is one of the most. I. I highly recommend five stars. Five out of five. Ten out of ten. No, no.
- [63:56]
D
Yeah.
- [63:56]
B
You got to write the review.
- [63:57]
A
Yes, I got. I did write the review. I wrote the review. I said I went in here with no expectations, and I came out believing that I should never go to another masseuse ever again in my life.
- [64:08]
B
Great find all this. Nova Scotia, Newfoundland.
- [64:13]
A
Newfoundland. Newfoundland. Yeah. Yeah. All. All the years of my life that I've been going to get massages at all the fancy places that I've been to from the Ritz Carlton. The fancy ones are the worst. They're the worst. Yeah, because they, because they, you know, I don't know.
- [64:31]
B
It's shishi.
- [64:32]
A
Yeah, it's. It's Xi. Shi. That's right. Yeah, it's shishi. The smells and the. We'll put fancy oils on you and we can do these special treatments. Do you want a hot. That lady put hot stones on my back. No extra charge, right? She did the. And she massaged me with the hot stones.
- [64:46]
B
Oh yeah.
- [64:46]
A
She massaged me with the hot stones and no extra charge. And you know what? It didn't. There was no fancy candle in there. They eventually did turn on some music so you get a little bit relaxed. I think I just was the first customer in there. And by the way, I'll share this too. After the first half hour when I kind of like tuned back in after I stopped crying from all the pain, that door was opening every 15 minute. Ding dong. You could hear that little ding dong. They were, they were busy, right? They were busy, busy. There's lots of people that were coming in and out of there. So I. I will say this is why sometimes you got to get off the beaten path.
- [65:17]
B
That's right.
- [65:18]
A
You all the expensive. Just because it's more. Just because it's more expensive or just because you get a free glass of champagne doesn't mean it's going to be better, in my experience. I've been to one spa here in Atlanta that I recommended for years and I recommended it because of how nice it is and the experience of going in there and the locker rooms and the showers and the, you know, the fancy fireplace.
- [65:40]
B
Yeah. But in the end, do you really need all that? No.
- [65:43]
A
No, I didn't. I turned out I needed a couple of fake plants and a bad menu board. That's it? That's all you needed? What I needed was the right people with the right experience to work on my back. And I will tell you right now, after years and years and years of going to those fancy spas, those you have their years ago going to those fancy spies, I went to up massage and got myself, myself the best ending of my life. I've worked out I never got the same masseuse almost ever twice. And the ones that I liked were almost never working or never Available. And none of them ever gave me a massage like that. Never. Not once. Good. You know what? I found myself a happy. I found myself a happy ending and had nothing to do with my dick. Cummings.
- [66:27]
B
That's right.
- [66:28]
A
So there you go. Good.
- [66:30]
B
You needed it.
- [66:31]
A
I did. Now it's your turn.
- [66:33]
B
I know. I need to go check it out.
- [66:35]
A
Honestly. You should go.
- [66:35]
B
Yeah?
- [66:36]
A
Yeah, go have those ladies jump on your back.
- [66:38]
B
Yeah, I think. Well, I might be a little tender right now, but.
- [66:41]
A
Yeah, they'll figure you out.
- [66:43]
B
Yeah. Very intuitive.
- [66:45]
A
Yes, they are. They are in tune. All right, well, Jenny, we hope everything goes well with your surgery tomorrow. Hysterectomy's a big deal, and I hope that everything goes. Is. Is copacetic afterwards. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight. Jenny. Just sharing that with you one time. Almost canceled a surgery. My throat surgery. Because I told them I had a glass of water.
- [67:10]
B
Oh, that's right.
- [67:10]
A
And they were like, well, let's get you in the back room waiting. And I was like, wait, really? And they're like, yeah, we don't around with that shit. Yeah, we don't want you to aspirate.
- [67:19]
B
Yeah, it makes a difference.
- [67:20]
A
It does make a difference. So, Jenny, good luck with your surgery tomorrow. Tomorrow we. Chrissy and I will be back tomorrow. The whole nine yards. Everyone's here. It's happy days back again.
- [67:29]
B
Happy endings.
- [67:30]
A
Happy endings back again. We haven't even begun to dig into London.
- [67:34]
B
No, I can't wait.
- [67:35]
A
The wedding or any of that stuff. So there's lots of stories upon stories. New Frankie B. Is available. So maybe we'll pull that out next week. I think. I think we're here next week, Right? Okay. We're here next week. Yeah, you're. You're. We're here for the long haul. By the long haul, I mean the next two weeks. So enjoy it while you can.
- [67:53]
B
I'm just gone for one week.
- [67:55]
A
Oh, you're just gone for one week?
- [67:56]
B
Yes.
- [67:57]
A
Okay, well, Astrid is dying to come in here and do an episode with me, so maybe we'll do that while you're gone. Maybe I'll get Astrid in here, but she's always gone and working too, so I don't know when we're going to do it, but. What? You know, maybe. Maybe we'll do a nighttime episode with Astrid. Maybe we'll do that on the stream. People could come in, they can ask the questions. Maybe I'll go live on my own Instagram with all the Venezuelans.
- [68:22]
C
Yes.
- [68:22]
B
Yeah, that would be a good one.
- [68:24]
A
And we're talking about going to Venezuela this year for Christmas. I know.
- [68:29]
B
Okay.
- [68:29]
A
Go figure. So good luck to us. I'll get my bulletproof vest on. I got to get a visa first. And after all the shit that I've talked on that Instagram, I think getting a visa actually might be difficult. I think it might be astronomy in the kids who are going to Venezuela. We'll see. All right. YouTube.com the commercial break, the commercial break, Instagram at the commercial break and TCP podcast on TikTok. We love you very much. Thanks for joining us. Bye, Jenny. Good luck to you. Okay. I guess that's all I can do for today.
- [69:03]
B
I think so.
- [69:04]
A
I'll tell you that I love you
- [69:05]
B
and I love you.
- [69:05]
A
I'll say best to you and best you out there in the podcast podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say we do say and we must say goodbye. Yeah, yeah, yeah.