To Spain For A Fart

Summary

---

The Commercial Break – “To Spain For A Fart” (October 23, 2024)

Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley
Episode Theme:
A comedic, storytelling-heavy episode where Bryan recounts his chaotic, anxiety-ridden family trip to Spain for a wedding, juxtaposed with Krissy’s own festival adventures. The duo revel in their signature, improv-infused banter, detailing travel woes, airplane oddities, and the unglamorous realities of parenting—always with irreverence and plenty of laughs.

---

Main Discussion Points

1. Spain Wedding Trip Kick-off (00:02–11:38)

• Bryan’s Reluctance & Astrid’s Anxiety:
  Bryan explains last-minute debate with his wife, Astrid, over attending a family wedding in Spain because of his impending neck surgery. Astrid insists the trip might be dangerous for Bryan’s health, but Bryan is determined.

  • “She kept on insisting… ‘Let’s just cancel this.’” (02:02, Bryan Green)
  • Hilariously, Bryan is convinced Astrid just wants time away from him.

• Travel Planning Chaos:
  The family’s attempts to get to Atlanta airport devolve as Astrid miscalculates flight time, traffic grows worse by the minute, and the perils of 'park and fly' vs. airport valet are debated.

  • “If we want to do this…I tried to apply some woman logic…” (15:41, Bryan Green)
  • They eventually opt for the pricier, but more predictable valet. According to Bryan, “the valet…worked as directed…It was incredible.” (16:44)

• Packing Regrets:
  Both hosts riff about chronic overpacking and the futility of “options.” Bryan laments leaving behind that one perfect T-shirt, only for the weather to flip.

  • “I want my entire closet…It’s always the one thing you debate at the end.” (12:15, Bryan Green)

---

2. Krissy’s Mempho Music Festival Recap (25:52–34:39)

• Mempho Festival Recap:
  Krissy shares highlights from the Mempho festival: great weather, strong turnout, dancing, celebrity sightings (Jack White, Trey Anastasio, The Roots, Goose), and hosting duties as the social manager.

  • “All the music was incredible…Tons of good friends to be seen.” (27:37, Krissy Hoadley)
  • Talks about getting an IV drip at the festival to rehydrate after hurricanes rolled through, and how much it genuinely helped: “The IV station does make you feel better.” (28:05, Krissy Hoadley)

• Festival Business:
  Attendance numbers, the VIP experience—Bryan jokes about festival analytics and rich people’s “anal bleaching” perks.

  • “As long as the rich people had a good time, that’s all that matters.” (30:33, Bryan Green)

• Demographics and Party Drug Analysis:
  Quick-fire breakdown of age groups and festival drugs:

  • “It’s mainly a weed and mushrooms crowd.” (35:15, Krissy Hoadley)

---

3. The Journey to Spain: Planes, Parenting & Public Nonsense (36:31–59:54)

A. Air Travel Mayhem (36:31–46:01)

• Bulkhead Negotiations:
  Describes the wrangling necessary to secure bulkhead seats (for in-flight cribs), dealing with skeptical gate agents, and the elaborate ruse to pass off his toddler as still crib-worthy.

  • “She can walk into a bar and probably not be carded.” (04:36, Bryan Green)
  • “Our child is way too big…but the lady was nice enough.” (36:34, Bryan Green)

• Parenting on a Plane:
  Comedic retelling of herding sleep-deprived children through TSA and onto the flight, including the perennial failed bathroom check — culminating in desperate kids the moment the wheels leave the ground.

  • “Why did you tell me no when you clearly had to go?...You’re a liar. A bold faced liar!” (38:55, Bryan Green)

• First-Class Mystique & The Secret Crew Lounge:
  A child almost opens the forbidden “employees only” door, revealing the hidden flight attendant lounge—a “Ritz Carlton” for crew.

  • “It’s a secret club. It’s like a Ritz Carlton down there.” (43:31, Bryan Green)

B. The Water Bottle Physics Incident (46:50–52:29)

• Hydrodynamics Gone Wild:
  Pressurized water bottles shoot jets of water onto multiple passengers as Bryan opens them, soaking an unreasonably chill seatmate and an understandably less chill woman behind.
  • “When I say shooting out, I mean three rows behind us, like a fucking fountain.” (48:54, Bryan Green)
  • “There was only one thing to do…apologize and then just turn forward and pretend it never happened…” (50:59, Bryan Green)

C. The Most Disgusting Thing Ever Witnessed on a Plane (53:27–59:54)

• Bathroom Etiquette Horror:
  Bryan observes an older woman, barefoot in a tracksuit, pacing the aisles—eventually entering the airplane lavatory with bare feet, for an extended session. He’s aghast:

  • “She…walks in…and is in there for 10 to 15 minutes…barefoot…It was the most single disgusting thing I have ever seen in my entire life” (55:59–57:07, Bryan Green)

• Aftermath and Existential Reflection:
  He reflects on the mysteries of human decision-making, thinking, “This is why the country is in fucking trouble…” (57:07, Bryan Green)

  • Krissy concurs, “Yeah, they probably actually clean the bathrooms in the airport more than they do [on a plane].” (57:11, Krissy Hoadley)

---

Notable Quotes & Banter

• “So, of course, right before the plane takes off, we go through the list of children and we say, ‘Do you have to go to the bathroom?’ …And five seconds after the plane takes off…‘Daddy, I have to go pee pee!’” (00:01, Bryan Green)
• “We are literally going to Spain for a fart. And we brought the entire house.” (11:03, Bryan Green)
• “The valet, while terribly expensive, worked as directed…It was incredible.” (16:44, Bryan Green)
• “Always bring the t-shirt. You can always wear a t-shirt at a point just to make yourself feel like you wore it.” (13:02, Kristen Joy Hoadley)
• “Hey, I’m giving a blow job here. Leave me alone.” (19:52, Bryan Green, imitating airport parking lot banter)
• “There are little birds that go under the wings and the pilot says, ‘Go, Raven, go’ and wa—you’re in the air, your pee pee disappears…” (46:50, Bryan Green, riffing on airplane mysteries)
• “She opens the door…barefoot. And she is going to the bathroom…barefoot…It was the single most disgusting thing I have ever seen.” (55:59, Bryan Green)
• “[If] they take their socks off and head to the bathroom—imagine. What would you think?” (59:54, Bryan Green)

---

Memorable Moments & Comic Tangents

• Game-Time Decisions & Marital Blame:
  Bryan’s hilarious anxiety spiral over the airport logistics, punctuated by ongoing, self-deprecating marriage jabs.
• The Secret Plane Door:
  The shock and awe (and envy) as a child almost enters the forbidden flight attendant lounge.
• Festival Social Dynamics:
  Krissy’s rise to PR celeb at Mempho, her surprise at making the official reels, and discussions about VIP perks and festival crowd drug analysis.
• The Barefoot Bathroom Offender:
  Bryan’s incredulous, near-existential meltdown provides the episode’s gross-out climax and thematic punchline.

---

Key Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |-----------|-------------------------------------------------------| | 00:01 | Bryan introduces travel chaos, kids’ bathroom mishaps | | 11:03 | Packing regrets: “Going to Spain for a fart” | | 16:44 | Airport valet rescue story | | 25:52 | Krissy’s Mempho Festival report and IV hydration | | 36:34 | Securing bulkhead seating on international flights | | 38:55 | The “Great Bathroom Refusal” & forced kid pee dance | | 46:50 | Water bottle mishap: soaking innocent passengers | | 53:27 | Airplane people-watching and bathroom habits | | 55:59 | The barefoot bathroom horror, disgust commentary | | 59:54 | Aftermath and relationship hypotheticals | | 60:37 | Teaser for future: massages, weddings, dancing horses |

---

Overall Tone & Experience

TCB’s signature: frenetic, unpolished, and infectious. Bryan and Krissy riff off each other’s real-life misfortunes, exposing the absurdity of family life, the unpredictability of travel, and the cringe-worthy things people do in public—all with tongue firmly in cheek. The episode balances “parents just surviving” with self-aware, often dark, observational humor, making listeners feel like they’re eavesdropping on a loopy, relatable conversation.

---

Best For: Anyone who’s survived family travel, enjoys chaotic storytelling, or just wants to laugh at the messiness of being human.

—Summary by your sentient podcast chatbot. Wah-bam!

Transcript

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I wish you well.

[Brian Green]

I wish you well in hell. On this episode of the Commercial Break. So, of course, right before the plane takes off, we go through the list of children and we say, do you have to go to the bathroom? No. Do you have to go to the bathroom? No. Are you sure you don't have to go to the bathroom? Because you haven't been to the bathroom in 10 hours. Are you sure you don't have to go pee pee poo, poo, meow, meow, meow. And five seconds after the plane takes off. Daddy, I have to go pee pee you. The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green and this is my calcium filled friend, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. How are you? Thanks for joining us. We're back just here in the studio just for a short period of time before we go off again to our lovely lives of fame and wealth.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

In.

[Brian Green]

Our own mind, in our own heads. I, I, Chrissy, fresh from Mempho, I'm back from a incredible wedding in Spain, Astrod's cousin's wedding, which till the very last minute we didn't know if we were going to attend because Astrid kept insisting that my neck would blow up if we got on the plane. I think she really wanted, I gotta be honest, I think at one point it felt like it was going to. She kept on insisting. She was like, let's just cancel this, let's cancel it. And I'm like, listen, if I thought I could get into surgery one day earlier, then I would cancel the trip and go have the surgery. But I, we, it's not possible. Yeah, like, the guy's got other people to attend to. I can't just, you know, he's, well, who am I? And but what I really think Astrid was trying to say, don't you know.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Who I think I am?

[Brian Green]

Don't you know who I think I am? Don't you imagine who I think I might be? Whatever. The thing Astro was trying to say was, why don't you stay home with the kids? It'll be much safer for you here and probably a lot more fun for me because you're a calcium filled asshole right now. And I think I want you to stay home. But that's.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, I'm glad you guys made it.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, we did, we did. We did it for us. A short, a short trip for anyone else. A very long trip for us. A short trip To Spain and man was a lot of fun. But I'm literally off the plane and I am.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You are.

[Brian Green]

I'm all kind of upside down and sideways. It's like nine o' clock at night there. So I think I feel like I'm going to go to sleep. And the kids who know, who have traditionally not suffered from jet lag are suffering from. I can already tell they're suffering. We just got off the plane. I could already tell them from it. My, one of my daughters could not keep her head up still. Like we got home at like 2 or 3 in the afternoon yesterday and she on the way home, she was like so drunk sleepy. It was one of the funniest things I had ever seen. Knocking into walls. She was doing this whole head bobbing thing in the car. I gotta say, you know, I lived here in Atlanta for a very long time and only on a few occasions have I considered myself have I considered that I'm in really bad Atlanta traffic. Like two hours to get home Sunday. Chrissy. We on the way there, we have never know. We have this 5:36, 36:30 flight. So like any smart family with children, we say let's get there by 3:30. That way we've got three hours. We can go to the Delta, check in, we can beg them for the bulkhead seat so as not to annoy every other person on the plane. If we can get that bulkhead seat, we, we've got a little bit of room and the kids can kind of feel like they're stretching their legs a little bit. And then since we have a baby who weighs like 900 pounds and is 7ft tall, I mean that kid and.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I picked her up earlier, I can only hold you for a little while.

[Brian Green]

She's in the 99.9 percentile for everything. Height, weight, intelligence. I mean the girl is super smart, super sassy, prone to meltdowns at any moment because she's the baby of the family. And then she's also huge. So when we, when we see someone and we're trying to convince them that she's still an infant, they're like, yeah, right.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know she does look much older.

[Brian Green]

I know she can walk into a bar and probably not be carted. But then we try and convince the airline attendant.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

That she's an infant with needs a crib and she's like, which crib is that child going to fit into? She needs the whole bulkhead. We don't have those kind of cribs. So we get in the car, let's call it. Let's call it like 2:45. Figuring it normally takes us without any traffic about 30 minutes to get to the airport with traffic maybe 45, maybe an hour. But we still got.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

So you're talking about on the way there.

[Brian Green]

On the way there.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Got it. Okay.

[Brian Green]

And this is on a weekday, so we're.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Okay. So we're just. We got all the bags packed in the car. Everyone's just ready.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, now that makes more sense because I thought you were talking about on the Sunday when you came. Oh, no, no, no, no.

[Brian Green]

Oh, I'll explain. I'll explain both ways. So when we are about to get in the car, I kind of feel like I sense we're cutting it a little bit close for wanting to be there at least two. Wanting to be there at least two hours before the flight takes off. Yeah, because they start boarding an hour before. And that's a whole fucking shit show. Everybody knows that it's a shit show. Though I do have to say those Delta attendants are whipping people into.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes, they are.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Sit down. We didn't call you. Sit down. And I like that. I think that. Okay, so we get in the car. I sense we're cutting it a little close. It's now like 3 o', clock, 3:15. And Astrid says to me, don't worry about it. We got plenty of time. And I'm like, hon, I really think we need to go. Because Astrid, the most organized human being I have ever met in my entire life doesn't miss a beat, doesn't miss a detail, does not miss an opportunity to tell me I'm wrong ever. Has made the assumption that the flight is actually 45 minutes later than it. It actually is. So when we get in the car, I put on that ways or whatever, Google, whatever the thing is with the traffic. I put it on and it's telling me it's going to take an hour and 30 minutes to get to the airport. Normally takes 30, hour and 30. And I thought to myself, holy, we are. We're going to get there at 4:45, 5:00 for a flight. We have one of those park and fly bullshits. You know what I'm talking about? You park, they fly. You park. You wait for seven hours for one of those little the bus uncomfortable buses to pick you up and unbelievably have someone that's never driven before in their entire lives driving the bus like 2 miles per hour to your. To drop you off at the gate or at the, you know, door that Certainly isn't yours. Okay, so on the way there, it's just the traffic now. It's hour and 30, hour and 35, hour and 40. It keeps getting worse. Time just keeps on inching back. We are in traffic basically from my house all the way to the airport. That's like 27 miles. It was insane. It was the. It was some of the worst traffic I have ever.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I'm telling you, this is. Yeah, I know this traffic.

[Brian Green]

I know you do. I know you do. It's one of the downsides of recording where we record is that Chrissy has to take the drive up here and then the drive back.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The drive up is no problem. It's there.

[Brian Green]

I know it's the drive back. Holy.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Heading back into town.

[Brian Green]

So this park and fly reservation on deck. Because you know, that's how Astrid is. Extremely organized. Park and fly reservation ready to go. All we have to do is get there. So about halfway there, I realized that that bus had better be waiting for us or now not only are we not going to be early to the flight, we miss. We might miss the flight. And missing a flight with 26 children. Ms. The flight, Miss the flight. Because remember, Astrid thought it was 45 minutes later than it was. So that 45 minute cushion disappeared.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Gate or they stopped checking people in an hour before and we have to check in face to face because one of the children is a child and they need their passport. Needs to be checked independently. It's just the way that it works in this godforsaken place we call the United States of America. Why everybody else can check in, but the baby who is no danger to anybody. I can basically. I can basically take my burner phone and say, yeah, I'm Joe Schmo and end up on the plane. And the baby who can't even talk, it can. Has to show her face at the front gate. I don't know. Don't ask me. Anyway, so I'm like, babe, babe. And I. And I know Astrid. I'm like, the whole time we're driving, I know Astrid. So I think to myself, there's gotta be a better way. If we could only park at the airport, close to the airport, around the airport. Not at a park and fly where we have this X factor which is. Is the bus going to be there? Is a driver going to be competent enough to drive us there in a short amount of time? And how many other people are we going to have to pick up and drop off along the way? And so I start googling. Not recommended You Google while you drive. But I did it. I start googling and airport valet. Because I know this has become a thing because I did it. I've done it in a couple other airports when I've been late for a flight. Airport valet. Sure as they've got one. Sure as I call them. Sure as they can be there and be ready. By the time we get to the airport, they can be ready to pick up the car. And I'm like, babe. She's like, how much? And I know what Astrid is thinking. Two things. Number one, it didn't work out like I wanted it to. Yeah. So she's wrong, right? And that I know for my love, my. My beautiful wife, that is a little bit eer. Irritating to her that she doesn't want to be wrong. And no one wants to be wrong. Let's just admit it. No one wants to be wrong. I don't want to be wrong, but I am all the time. It's part of life. So she doesn't want to be wrong, number one. Number two, she's. She's going to be angry at herself if we have to spend more money than initially intended. Because we don't have any money. Even though we do 7,000 episodes of the commercial break a day. We don't have any money. And so. But I call them and it's double more expensive than it is, of course, to park and fly. Park and fly. You leave your car at their location and they decide when the fuck they're going to drop you off. Valet. You leave your car at your location, they take it somewhere and bring it back to you. It's double more expensive. But I. So now we're making. So I hang up the phone. I say, listen, I'm going to call you right back. We hang on the phone. We're having all this like marriage debate in the car. And she's like, well, it's up to you. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. Don't. Don't leave this up to me. Because it's going to be up to me. And then when reviewing the finances at the end of the month, it's going to be my fucking fault for everything. When the truth is that we just kind of up. It's no one's fault. We all assumed we had more time than we actually did between the traffic and not knowing when the actual plane was taking. We all just made a mistake. That's it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It happens.

[Brian Green]

What are we gonna do? That. That happens? Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You gotta make a game time decision.

[Brian Green]

We did have to make a game time decision. And so I so together collectively I said listen, are we gonna lose any money on the park and ride reservation? And after some assessment it was determined that we would lose $15 because we only made a res. We only made a reservation like hold it for 15. You don't pay till you leave. And it was also the determination was made that with so many children and so many bad, I mean we are literally going to Spain for a fart. And we brought the entire house.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, you were going to a wedding, so I get it.

[Brian Green]

No, I'll get into it, I'll get into it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But you gotta have your lotions, your potions, your dresses, your costumes.

[Brian Green]

I know you have to changes three outfits. Ye, the flowers, the flower baskets, the flower girls, the wedding, the hair, the makeup, the whole night. The guys have to have, you know, this thing for the reception, this thing for the party, this thing for the rehearsal. It's a whole fucking to do. And then you realize at the end of it it really never fucking mattered. It didn't matter at all. I could have just brought one change.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I've gotten to, to realize that more than one trip that like I definitely overpack.

[Brian Green]

For sure, I'm an overpack.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But I want options.

[Brian Green]

I want my entire closet. Because I know and just like I did on this trip, I know it's the one fucking thing that I, you know that one thing you're debating at the end, you're like, should I bring that short sleeve T shirt? Looks good on me. Looks good on me. But a glance of the weather says it's going to be cold in 70. So you know it's going to be. It's going to be raining in 70. That is not warm weather is short sleeve shirt. And economical. And I mean economical packing wise. An economical choice to make. No, it isn't. You get there, it's sunny and 92 degrees and you hate yourself for leaving that one short sleeve shirt. I hated myself. And then guess what was on. Guess what had just been freshly washed. Hanging up when I get home, it's that short sleeve shirt reminding me of what an I am. I should have brought another suitcase. Who cares? $50.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Always bring the always bring the T shirt. You can always wear a T shirt at a point just to make yourself feel like you wore it.

[Brian Green]

Yes, I agree, I agree. But you know, it's Spain and so you know, T shirts like I learned the first time I went, like the boots, the coats. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Dresses.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Well, I figure a jeans and a T shirt is Always an option. Yes, but you are definitely an American if you're wearing jeans and a T shirt. And I have learned over the last 70,000 trips I've taken to Spain that I really don't want to be called out as an American, even though my Spanish is terrible. And I'll get into this at a future point of the conversation, but my Spanish is terrible. And everybody recognizes me as a gringo right off the bat. An American gringo no matter what I wear.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, I mean, you're Irish, so.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I don't look the part.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I don't look the part to begin with.

[Brian Green]

I get one or two compliments on my Spanish. Either that's nice that you're trying, or your accent is really good. Just which accent are you doing? That's the question.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Back when I used to go to the tanning bed years ago a lot now I get really dark. I. Oh, yeah, you're Italian all of a sudden. Would. I mean, when. If I would be out and there would be. People would try and talk to me in Spanish?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, well, yeah, well, that's.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

But I didn't know that's so stereotypical.

[Brian Green]

Oh, oy, o o now. Oy, now. And she spoke the part, too. Yeah. Gracias, Grassy ass kids. Okay, so debate going on. The decision is made to go, let's go ahead and just do this. That way. That way. There's no chance.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, it cuts down on a little bit of anxiety.

[Brian Green]

My anxiety was really high. Between the calcium in my brain and my normal inclination to get to be really irritated by being late, I was in full blown internal panic mode, which I'm sure was, like, leaking out of the side of my eyeball. And Aston could see it. It was twitching. I was like, ah. Meanwhile, the kids are in the back, yelling and screaming, drawing on our brand new car. You know, the whole nine yards, drawing with permanent marker all over our car. So. So I said, hey, listen, hon, here's the deal. We said we had formulated a plan A, which with the plan A was you drop. You take some of the kids with some of the bags, most of the big bags. We'll drop you off as close as we can. So you just have to kind of roll it in there, and then I'll go. And then I thought to myself, well, no, this just gets. This really just does what Astrid initially wanted me to do, which was leave, take some of the children and stay here in Atlanta.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Because if I miss the flight, then what are we gonna do? I'll be there two days Later. So, so we'd make this after some conversation. I say, hey, listen, Hud, at the end of the day, yes, we could make it, and everything could be just fine. But what if we don't? We're to pack all these kids and all these bags back in because there is no other. There's only one direct flight a day out of Atlanta to where we're going. We're gonna have to wait till tomorrow for that to happen. Then you're gonna miss these events that you want to go to. You're gonna miss your parents being there, all this other stuff that you, You. If we want to do this. I, I, I tried to apply some woman logic to it. You know what I'm saying? Like, you don't want to miss. You packed half a bag of clothing just for tomorrow's events, right? You don't want to have to miss those events. You know, what about all that shopping you're gonna do on our free day? So we, we get the valet. And I will tell you something, the valet, while terribly expensive.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Worked as directed, as meant to be advertised. It was incredible. The guy, I. I called him and I told him where I was, and he showed up five, 10 minutes later. And I even got a free password. Blue is back, by the way, in case anyone didn't know. Blue's still here, still alive. We left her somewhere. I was hoping not to pick her up, but they reminded me I had to, so here she is. By the way, Astrid made a suggestion that we do a giveaway here on the commercial break. We give Blue away.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, I like that.

[Brian Green]

With a. With a free lifetime of food and medical care. And so people responded that they would. They would enter that contest. No, you wouldn't. Don't lie to me. No, you wouldn't. So this guy picks up the car, and we get in.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And I am telling you, don't just pull right up.

[Brian Green]

No, you pull right up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The valet spot.

[Brian Green]

There's no valet spot.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's just obviously, it to the left there, like underneath the.

[Brian Green]

Maybe in the domestic, maybe on domestic.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Domestic, yeah.

[Brian Green]

This is international. There's only one place to go. And so you just, You. He tells you kind of which door to be around. He's got to be around this door and that door, and I'll find you. You know, just tell me what car you have, and I'll find you. And it took about 10 minutes for him to get there because he, you know, you got to call him when you're, like, at a certain place and Then he follows you. And so there was a police officer standing there the whole time. And I'm just standing outside the car. Like, where is. Two different police officers come up to me. Is this your car? And I go, it is. And I'm waiting for the valet. Cool, cool. Just wait by the car. And I was like, cool, cool. That's awesome. Cool, cool. I gotta think of how many times I've been to the airport where I'm about to get arrested for being five seconds stopped for five seconds. Yeah, I mean, they're no joke in Atlanta. They keep you moving along. You gotta get your bags and go. Don't. No time for kisses. Kiss and ride is a different place altogether. You got. That's. I don't know what that is. That's at a private marta. Yeah, that's it. MARTA and private schools. So I. I wait. He comes in.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I have a special kiss and ride place, though, that I go to with Jeff.

[Brian Green]

Oh, you do? What is that? What do you mean, a special kiss and ride?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, I mean, it's the cell phone lot. You know, they closed that one down.

[Brian Green]

Oh, they did.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

On the Delta side.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that. That was fun.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It was fun. Yeah. No, there's, like, the lower level, and you can kind of pull up, but not all the way.

[Brian Green]

Okay.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, you kind of just. Just hang back.

[Brian Green]

Just scoot a little bit. Scoot off to that. Just hang back.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Just came back a little.

[Brian Green]

Just caused three miles worth of traffic while Jeff fingers me real quick. And then, my God. Well, I give Jeff some roadhead, and then we're off. Don't worry about it. Yeah, Yeah. I think I do know what you're talking about, though.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. Other people know to do it too.

[Brian Green]

Cool.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

They kind of scoot.

[Brian Green]

Next time. Next time someone's dropping. Yeah, next. Scoot, scoot.

[Podcast Announcer]

Cool.

[Brian Green]

Hey, I'm giving a blow job here. Leave me alone.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Everybody would probably say, cool, cool, cool, cool. If I said that.

[Brian Green]

I swear to God. It's this officer who looks actually cool, cool. You know, he's like 26 years old, like, probably in the know about everything, you know? And he comes up and he's like, hey, man, yo, that car. And I said, yeah, that's my car. Cool, cool. He's like, you got to move that shit. And I'm like, no, I'm with the valet. I'm waiting for the valet. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Everyone's getting paid. Everyone's getting $10 along the way. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure it's some kind of, you know, they Are. Whatever. Anyway, so we get there and we really don't. We have finally get through security. Took a long time. Of course. You have so many children. It always takes a long time. And we. We have one of those, whatever you call it, the, you know, fly, go, Pre checked, I'm not yet a criminal kind of thing. What is that right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

TSA Pre.

[Brian Green]

TSA Precheck. We have TSA Pre. Check and we just, you know, go right through. But with so many children.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

You're always pissing off everybody behind you. Everyone's always irritated. I'm always carrying 32 different passports with the tickets stuck inside of them. And they're always ask, you know, you got to flip through and they gotta. It's a whole. It gives me so much anxiety. But we get there, and we get there with kind of like three minutes to spare before they start boarding.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, I mean, great.

[Brian Green]

It was great. But we cut it close. Had we taken the park and fly, I think we would have made it, but I think we would have pissed everybody off on the plane. Yeah, we would have made everybody wait. So two things to two points here because there's no point to the story, but to. To this part of the story, two points. Number one, I got stuck in really bad fucking traffic on the way there. And I think that's one of the times where I can say to myself, this is really bad Atlanta traffic. Because upon further review, there were no car accidents. Yeah, There were no blue light. It's phantom traffic.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It is phantom traffic. Stop stopped. And then you. You get to where that stop was, and then it just opens.

[Brian Green]

It just goes. Yeah, yeah. It's like, what? What?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Why?

[Brian Green]

It's one cutting across 12 lanes of traffic to get off at his or her particular exit. They got their driver's license on the back of a cereal box. They finally made it to exit, and everybody slowed down just to let that one guy. Because that one guy was going to kill everybody. And then that just backs up and backs up and backs up until everybody's just stopping for no reason.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

So frustrating.

[Brian Green]

It is so not that I want.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

To see a bad car wreck. That's not it.

[Brian Green]

No, but I feel better. I feel better. At least it was an ambulance somewhere. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know. There was an accident seven hours ago, and now I'm suffering for it 22 miles away. And number two is. Is that airport valet. That's a thing. That should be. That should. I think more people should take advantage of this. It's very expensive, but if you have the money like I do, then thank you. Listen, it was either pick up Blue from the boarding place or get the valet. And I said, honey, what. What are we really doing?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right? No, I mean, eventually debating this.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, she's going to go somewhere eventually. Like, the boarding place is going to kill her. She's going to go to some shelter somewhere. You don't have to worry about it. Maybe she'll become like the mascot of the place. You know what I'm saying? She'll live in the lap of luxury for the rest of her life. You don't have to worry about it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Why are we mascot?

[Brian Green]

All right, let's take a break. Plenty more Spain to talk to, to talk about. And I want to hear about Mempho also, because I heard it was a good time. I saw that it was a good time, actually.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's a good time.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I'm just glad you survived. I did.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Lots of fluids.

[Brian Green]

Lots of fluids. Oh, do tell. Chrissy, don't. Don't threaten me with a good story. All right, we'll be back.

[Podcast Announcer]

I know this sounds crazy because we are a podcast, but we have a phone number because we are also a sentient AI chatbot being designed to receive compliments and content ideas at 212-4333, TCB. So crazy how that works. If you want to follow us on Instagram, our handle is hecommercial break and our TikTok handle is CBpodcast. So go find our profile and watch the videos we painstakingly put together for you and our 20 other followers. If you find yourself wanting more, check out our [e-mail] because you can find all of our audio and full length video episode episodes. And if you just do all of those things, we will love you forever.

[Brian Green]

Bye. Wait, We've got a TV on in the background here in the studio and I'm watching. I don't know what show this is. Married at First Sight, I think is what it is. And I want to know when did, like, makeup artists and stuff start wearing doctor's coats? I mean, do you know what I'm saying?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Brian Green]

Look. Yeah, it's a look. It's a whole thing. I think we should reserve Doc. It's like. It's like a. I don't know, like a badge. You should only wear it if you're actually.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I agree. I agree. There was this one guy that I saw one time that was in my chiropractor's office and he had his own, like, little separate Thing, and It was like, Dr. Weight loss or something. And the guy was walking around wearing a white lab coat. But when I looked him up, because he looked kind of different, sketchy, and I.

[Brian Green]

Let's just be honest about it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I looked him up, and he's like a model slash stunt guy. You shouldn't be wearing that white coat.

[Brian Green]

I know.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You know, Astro, it's because you call yourself doctor.

[Brian Green]

Back when we thought this podcast might make money, Astro said, you should go get a facial every once in a blue moon. And I was like, okay, all right. You know, I'm down. I'm not, you know, I'm unlikely to get a lot of, you know, Botox and fillers and all that stuff, so why not keep up with the skin? So I said, okay, you know what? I'm down. So she gets me this little, like, a membership to this place, and you go once a month or once every three weeks, and you get a skin treatment, you know, whatever it is. And the lady who did the skin treatments, they're all walking around with lab coats on, and I'm like, why? Why can't you just wear a sweater? I mean, it made me feel a lot better. If we weren't pretending that you're a doctor and pretending that I'm a patient, when what you're really doing is pretending that I have a lot of money and trying to add on services like butternut squash, you know, eye repair or something. How was mempho?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Mempho was incredible. Yeah. Beautiful weather. It was a good time. Unfortunately, it was, you know, r. After the hurricanes.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah, that's true.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. Well, it was in between two hurricanes. It was in between Helene and Milton.

[Brian Green]

Wow.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Which was devastating. Yeah. For a lot of people. So that mempho actually ended up sending up a lot of stuff towards the hurricane relief.

[Brian Green]

Okay.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Up in the community.

[Brian Green]

Nice of them.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes. But the music was great. It was. I was dancing my butt off.

[Brian Green]

I saw that. I saw that. Yeah. Chris is their professional PR firm, you know, putting out reels, and I was concerned about.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I didn't even know I was gonna be on there. I don't even think they knew who I was. No, I was.

[Brian Green]

But please, see, everybody knew who you were. You're the wife of the guy who puts on the festival. I'm pretty sure they know who you are.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, I don't know that everybody knows. Like, the camera operator people. I don't know. So anyways, yes, I made the reel.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, you did.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And I was getting down on Saturday night.

[Brian Green]

I was concerned About Chrissy. I think I even told this to asterisk. I was very concerned about Chrissy and her whereabouts and what was going on because I went to Memphis with Chrissy a couple years ago and she didn't show up till like nine in the morning. A little worse for the wear. I was like, where's Chrissy? So I thought to myself, well, I should.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

There's so many people there that you want to see and hang out with. And yeah, it's a party. Jeff doesn't get done with work until late, so I'm out.

[Brian Green]

Chrissy is the social. She's the social manager, not the social media manager because she doesn't even know what social media is, but the social manager of the festival.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Were you impressed that I posted? I posted.

[Brian Green]

You posted?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I did.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah. I'm impressed that you even know what that means, quite frankly.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I was like, I'm posting.

[Brian Green]

Look, I'm posting.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

All the music was incredible. Everything was great. Tons of good friends to be seen. Weather was amazing. Last day, I ended up getting an IV fluid.

[Brian Green]

I was a little confused there for a second. I was like, she went in for it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, they.

[Brian Green]

They.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Jeff actually had one of those. A doctor. An actual doctor. Oh, an actual doctor not wearing a lab coat.

[Brian Green]

Well, that doesn't make. That makes me feel just as bad as the people who aren't doctors wearing doctor's coats.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, but he did the iv. Like, the IV station does make you feel better. It was amazing. Yeah, I mean, you know, I tend to think kind of like, eh, is it really gonna make a difference? I can just drink some water. But it does.

[Brian Green]

I think I told you about that one time I went to like a friend's house party in the woods people. Yeah, the rich part of the family in the woods kind of people.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

And they were hanging off the head of stairwell with all the banisters and they were hanging. The. The guy was a doctor and he was hanging all the IVs. Yeah, he bought like a box of IVs and he was hanging them from the banister. And then people were sitting all the way down the stairs at like 12pm the next day. Everyone with needles in their arms. But I'll tell you what, most people felt much better afterwards.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And it does give you a jolt. I had like the B12 stuff in it and all the vitamins and things and.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I was like, wow, the time I.

[Brian Green]

Almost died from salmonella back like season number two. Yeah, I remember that. I got a couple IVs and both they were life saving. I mean, I felt like a different human being afterwards. Now I shit it all out within 12 hours, but I felt so much better in that moment. Within an hour of leaving that at the hospital, I just felt like I was a different person. I was like, wow, that really does make me feel so much better. Little fluids when you're not. When you're not feeling it and, you know. So one of our. One of our new sponsors has this product where they talk about how. And this is not an advertisement. I want to make that clear. I'm not advertising. They are a sponsor of the show, but I'm not advertising this at this moment. They had a whole phone call with me where they explained that. That it's not actually dehydration that causes the hangover. It's this enzyme that is broken down from the alcohol to what's called, like, they call it pre alcohol. Right. Or some kind of enzyme that's broken down. That enzyme then causes a lot of distress in your body as it. As time goes on. So by beating back this enzyme with probiotics, then you can hopefully avoid the worst parts of the feeling the next morning.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I didn't get that sample before I left.

[Brian Green]

I wish I had given it to you for Mempho. I really do. And. But you're right, it came after you left. So anyway. Well, good. I'm glad in financial success for. For Jeff. Now that you tell me, it wasn't here on the show, but financial. Was it a good turnout?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, it was a great turnout.

[Brian Green]

Did they sell out the festival?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

They did not sell it out. Okay, but they don't normally sell it out. Well, they did sell out vip.

[Brian Green]

Okay, well, that's all that matters. As long as the rich people had a good time, that's all that matters.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And the sweets. Yeah, the sweets and VIP were sold out.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah. What are those sweets? Like 25 grand a pop or something about. Yeah. Wow, that's crazy. But then you get like, what? What?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Like, yeah, you get a.

[Brian Green]

Do treatments with people in lab coats.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I mean, yeah, you get food, catering.

[Brian Green]

Free anal bleaching, stuff like that. You know, all the important stuff.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You get food and drinks.

[Brian Green]

Oh, wow. God damn. Yeah. Someday when I don't have children. So many children. When I don't call them children anymore, when they can take care of themselves. I'm going to come back to Mempho.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Your kids are going to want to go to Mempho.

[Brian Green]

My kids are going to want to go to.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

There's going to be some good Stuff.

[Brian Green]

Well, if they keep that lineup going. Jack White was there. I saw that. I did not know Roots.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The Roots are really good. Digable planets, Digable plants.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I saw the. The performance by Trey. Trey was there. Trey with Goose, who can. Goose. I had predicted Goose and Trey would play together. They did not.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

They did not. No. They were on different nights.

[Brian Green]

But I have to say that, you know, Goose.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Goose. I know. And I. I saw Goose a few years ago and was kind of like, eh. But I saw them at Mempho and they were really good. And I had this Goose head, I guess. Explain to me why. Because they switch a member or something, and he was like, this other guy's really good. And it was.

[Brian Green]

Oh, okay. Well, yeah, it's like a baseball team. You just switch out the players. This mix and match. No one gives a. Well, I mean, listen, there's. That's some bands that happens to, you know, you're missing the magic, and then someone brings the magic or at all kind. Kind of, Kind of comes together. Goose, over the last year, I have seen. They've been on, like, the Bert cast with Bert Kreischer. I mean, they've been everywhere that Goose has, and they're selling out and selling out. So good for them. I'm. Listen, if I'm being quite frank, I think there are jam bands that I like better, right. And that jam band side of me, I prefer my Fish to my Widespread. You know, I like Fish better than I like Widespread, and I think Goose is like some combination. And I don't want to like, you know, paint them with a broad brush, but I think I would prefer to go see Fish if it was. If it was up to me. But I have heard a few songs because I've watched a lot of their videos. I've heard a few songs that I like.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. Live. They were great.

[Brian Green]

Right? Well, good. There you go. And, you know, what I wanted to say is that I did not know this, but now I do. Our good friend Reggie Watts is also good friends with Jack White. Did you know that? And Conan o'. Brien. They were all together just a day after the show, after the Mempho show. They were all together for some other show that Jack was doing. So Jack seems to be tearing it up right now. Seems.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, yeah. The new album is so good. I love it. And yeah, his live performance is just, I mean, like shot out of a cannon. I mean, and it's just boom, boom, boom, song, song, song, song, song.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Wow.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, high energy, I'll say.

[Brian Green]

This pass along my saludes to. To Mr. Jeff Hodley, who I think has done a fantastic job with that.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, today's his birthday.

[Brian Green]

It's not easy to make a festival work in 2024. It's the year of festival deaths. So the fact that they put it on and it was a. A success and that maybe there'll be another one next year. Are they already planning the next one? Oh, good. All right, so we'll. We'll wait to see how that unfolds.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Now. We got Riverbeat in the spring.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's right. And then what? Then the big barbecue fest or something. That can happen again. Okay. Smoke Slam, Riverbeat, Mempho, all of that.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Three huge events.

[Brian Green]

Memphis is the place where Jeff puts on shows. So if you're in the area at any time during the year, just look. Look up Jeff Hodel, Mrs. Jeff Hoadley, and see if you can find a good festival that's there for you. And happy birthday to Jeff, by the way, it is his birthday. I'm sure I will do something for him. Him like I do every year. Some audio treat. Some audio treat for Joe. Fun. Yes. So back to Spain. Back to Spain. So let's get. So let's get. Let's get. I'm now into the important stuff.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Meat and potatoes.

[Brian Green]

The meat potatoes of the show, as we used to say. Well, here's the question. Here's one more question. Would you consider them about Mempho? Would you consider the Mempho crowd, an older crowd or a younger crowd? Crowd. Well, in general.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. So it is a little bit of an older crowd.

[Brian Green]

Like 30s, 40s. Yes. Kind of thing. Okay.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. But the River Beat is younger.

[Brian Green]

Is younger.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. It depends on the me, you know, it depends on who you've got.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I would say with Trey, Goose, Jack.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. I mean, a lot of that. Warren Haynes. I mean, a lot of that is gonna be an older.

[Brian Green]

You're not 17 years old. Yeah, probably.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Listen, but like, back when Mempho had Post Malone, oh, my God, it was packed.

[Brian Green]

Wait, Mempho had Post Malone? Yeah. When? This was three years ago. Four years ago.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Five years.

[Brian Green]

The year before I went. Yeah. So it was four years ago.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Because I was. Oh, yeah. So, wow. Great. Fantastic. Okay. And so would you say that it's a good. Like, the people who are partying, the people who are having their treats, their sweets and treats, before they. Of course. Before they get to Mempho. His drugs are illegal inside of Mempho, but treats and sweets. What do you think their drug of choices. Is it mushrooms and ecstasy? Is it cocaine? Is it. I'm just wondering what the kids are into this year. Weed and mushrooms is. It's mainly a weed and mushrooms crowd. Okay. Okay, good. I just wanted to know that. I wanted to know what I'm looking at. I want to know how I appropriately plan for my next mempho visit. And I'm going to start collecting my goodie bag now just like I did before, before the further fest. I planned three months in advance and I couldn't wait another 12 hours. I blew it all before I got to the gate. All of it. I did it all in one night. Yeah. Okay. So we get on the plane to Spain. We get on the plane to Spain with no rain and we have this bulkhead seat. We've managed to convince the lady that yes, our child is not in fact a teenager, but she's one years old and that we should need the bulkhead seat so that all of us can sit in one big line and then we can. And take care, you know, take care of the kids.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

How did you have to convince that? Because then you just get those seats.

[Brian Green]

No, yeah, actually on most international flights, those seats where you have like a 3, 4, 3 combination on the plane. The bigger planes, the 767s, the 740, whatever they call them, those planes, they purposefully in economy block those seats out because it's the only place on the plane where they will actually hang a crib for you if you go and you. If you ever have a bulkhead seat on one of those international flights and you look, there are these little. They look just little like little screws in the wall, but they're not actually screws. There are places where they stick these pins inside and then a crib comes hanging down and just like, you know, you can put a child in there and let it go to sleep. And actually we've done this with all of our children at some point now. Fair enough. Our child is way too big to fit into one of these. But the lady was nice enough enough. And so they reserve that you have to go to the gate, you. Or to the check in or to the gate and ask for that. And then they have to take mercy upon you every time. So we don't get it every time, but this time we got it good. Thankfully. So everybody's, you know, they come around, they serve dinner first. That's what they do. As soon as the plane gets up in the air, they serve dinner. None of my children like what they're serving I think the food is okay. It's not great. I will say that I love fucking Delta Airlines and I will take them every chance I get. It's just a hometown thing. It's just a. They seem to be very nice. The flights don't seem to be as crazy as the ones I see on Instagram. Like there aren't as many people going nuts. I don't know what it is. All of the things are free. You don't have to pay for the bathroom. 16 extra bags. A bag when you check in, right? If you want a cracker, it's $10. Like all of those things are included in the flight. And by the time I get done with all of those things on any other airline, I'm sure I would have just spent as much money as I did did just buying a Delta ticket in the first place. So why not go ahead and just buy the Delta ticket? Especially on an eight or nine hour flight overnight with a bunch of children like, might as well just like pay the little bit of extra. I'm not flying first class, I'm just flying economy. But if I'm gonna fly economy, let's have the min. The meals and the drinks included and any snacks I might need along the way. So that happens. Let me tell you a few things about this. When you sit at the bulkhead seat, you're sitting in front of the galley where the ladies and gentlemen do all of their work or some of their work. And also in front of the main stacks of bathrooms.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Bathrooms.

[Brian Green]

So in this plane configuration there are two bathrooms on the left, two bathrooms on the right and one larger or two larger bathrooms in the middle, one on each side of the plane. It's a double aisle plane. There is also then this door that sits. There's a door and then a little space where they will do their work. This door looks exactly like a bathroom door except it says on it it in big writing, employees only door must be closed at all times. But other than that you have, there's no reason to suspect that it's anything different but a bathroom. So less than. So of course, right before the plane takes off, we go through the list of children and we say, do you have to go to the bathroom now? Do you have to go to the bathroom? No. Are you sure you don't have to go to the bathroom because you haven't been to the bathroom in 10 hours. Are you sure you don't have to go pee, pee, poo, poo, meow, meow, meow. And five fucking seconds after the plane takes off as we're taxiing down the. Daddy, I had to go pee. Pee. Fuck you, you're gonna have to shit yourself because I already asked that goddamn question 30 times before we left. Why do you say no? This is like the age old parenting question. Why did you tell me no when you clearly had to go with some of my children who I know are just fucking bullshitting me. I make them go to the bathroom and I say, pull down your pants, point your penis towards the water and hope that something comes out because I'm not having it anymore. You better put that chucha on that fucking seat and hope that I hear the sweet noise of tinkling or daddy's gonna be pissed. I don't want to hear one more word out of you until piss is running down that toilet bowl. No, no, that's how they say it too. No, I don't believe you. You're a liar. A bold faced liar. We get on the plane and I swear, Chrissy, the plane is like literally lifting off, off the ground and two of my children are already like, daddy, I had to go, baby, like, Well, I don't know what to tell you. You got it, you gotta hold it. I don't know, we can't. You can't walk around the plane right now. And now they're, you know, they're both doing this whole dance like, daddy, Daddy. And now I feel the urgency because if it was an adult human being, I'd be like, it's your own fucking fault. Take a deep breath. But they're kids and any ramifications from them peeing on themselves is going to come down on me.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Not sure them. So now I know. Oh, God, what am I gonna do about this? You know? So there's a flight attendant that is sitting in the jump seat, the one that faces you on the right and the left side of the plane. And I could see her because I'm in one of the aisle seats. She's looking straight at me. I'm looking straight at her. She knows what's going on. And I go, ma', am, my kid has to go to the bathroom. Can I please take him? Because we're all fucking adults here and we know that whether you're heading in the air or already in the air or whatever, you can figure out a way to manage yourself in a bathroom. Right? Yeah, it's. No one's in danger. My kid's not gonna go rolling down the aisle. It's a airplane, you know. And she goes, no, I'm sorry. Sir, no. And I'm thinking to myself, well, fuck you. But eventually we do get in the air and finally.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

To the approved elevation.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Okay. Now, my kids have already made themselves extraordinarily comfortable in the airplane. They have their shoes and their pants on, basically. And I'm like, put your shoes on, God damn it. We got to go to the bathroom. It's a fucking. This is. If you could think of one place on earth where there are less germs, you let me know. Because an airplane toilet, it is about as bad as it gets. And so, you know, okay, we're putting on our shoes. We're going. And so I tell one of the. I say, okay, go, you know, go that door right there. Go. And I'm. I'll get. Gonna put the rest of my clothes. Child's clothing on, and then I'll be there in a second. Well, all of a sudden, I turn the corner, and I see that my kid has got that door open that says, do not open or under any circumstances of penalty of law. And no, it. It's a stairwell.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Green]

It is the place where they go and they take a nap. It is the lounge for the attendance.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, God.

[Brian Green]

Which you only hear about in song and story. I mean, right? You don't ever see that. You only hear about it. But no, it's like a secret club. It's like a Ritz Carlton down there. And I'm sitting up here trying to manage 70 kids in a bulkhead seat, and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So I close the door, but then I open it just a little bit. Just. I close it again. So now we get into the big bathroom in the middle of the plane, and I got one of my kids, and him and I are doing this dance around each other because now I have to go pee pee, too, because, you know, might as well. We're all going pee pee. So now we're doing this dance. I'm like, okay. And my son is basically, like, rubbing his whole body against the toilet. You know, hey, daddy, how does the pee pee know where to go? That's a question he had for me. And I'm like, what do you mean? How's a pee pee know where to go? He goes, how does it know to go in the water? I was like, because you're pointing your penis in that direction. The kids say the damnedest thing. They really do. So now he's done. And then I'm like, okay, hold on one second, buddy. I got. Now I gotta go Wash your hands. So he's over there making an incredible mess, washing the hands. And then he's like opening the door. And I'm like, no, close it. And he's like, but I got. I'm done. And I'm like, I know, but I'm not. Not close it. This is the. This is the plight you must suffer. Because you said now when I asked you, now you gotta wait for your dad's prostate to open up so I can go pee pee too. It's an incredible clusterfuck of affairs going on.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

But we managed to get through it and we go back to the seat. Now I'm going to share with you. You. Now. The rest of the flight is relatively uneventful. I could go into every detail, some of them funny, some of them not. Maybe I will in future episodes. But the rest of the flight is relatively uneventful. The kids go to sleep, they wake up, they fuss a little, they yell at each other, they, you know, grab iPads and phones and scream at each other. But everyone is relatively cool and the people around us are relatively cool about any little mistakes that happen. Except for two. There are two notable incidents on this, this flight and I want to tell you about them because I think it's some of the most funny. Number one. And then second little item to note is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Without fail, really, without any doubt. And I will share that with you on the other side of this break. Okay, we'll be back.

[Podcast Announcer]

Are you lonely, Depressed? Listless? Feeling silly? Call TCB at 212-4333, TCB to get advice on your most difficult life circumstances. That advice will probably be bad, but that's okay. Call today. It's only $79.99 plus shipping and handling for Ask TCB Advice Services. That's 212-433-3822. Now that I have your attention, you should know that you can also follow us on Instagram hecommercial break and on TikTokCBpodcast. If you want to request our latest sticker, head to tcdpodcast.com, click contact and select sticker request from the drop down menu. And don't forget, you owe me 79.99 plus shipping and handling.

[Brian Green]

Okay, let me explain something about airplanes and physics because I know about airplanes and physics.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's a supercomputer.

[Brian Green]

It flies by magic. There are are little birds that go under the wings and the pilot says, go, Raven, go and wa. You're in the Air, your pee pee disappears when you press that loud flushing noise. I love how my kids cover their ears too. They love to flush the toilet. They hate the noise it makes. They're fascinated by how quick the pee pee goes away, but they can't stand the noise. Yeah, I agree, by the way. It's very loud. He's these, like, you think of all the technology we have in 2024, you could soften the noise of that field just a little bit. So the physics of a plane work like this. It. It goes in the air, on the ground, then it goes in the air. Oh, good. But when it does, there's something happens between the ground level, the pressure, the air pressure, the amount of pressure on your body from oxygen and other stuff. It changes as you go up. As you go up, it gets lighter. There is less pressure because the air is thinner. There is less oxygen, and therefore less things to put weight on your body, just like you would if you went down like that Titanic submarine did a couple years ago. But when that happens, it does funny things to water bottles. And you've all done it. We've all done it. We've all had a water bottle we brought on the plane. And it shrinks. Yeah, My kids have these water bottles that Astro bottom. They bought them the indestructible water bottles with some kind of character on them. Peppa Pig, Toy Story, Batman and Robin, you know, whatever. They're basically pieces of, like, steel that you can't crush, that you can't open. They have tops on them, and then they have straws that fold, little plastic straws that fold. So we get on the plane and it's about 15 minutes into the ride. And of course, right after we go pee pee, the kids start loading up for the next embarrassing moment by drinking as much water as humanly possible. So my kids start saying, I'm thirsty, Daddy, I'm thirsty. So I go to the appropriate bag, of which we have 30, and I grab their water bottles out and I flip up the straw just to give them, you know, a little head start, a little help, you know, I flip up the straw, and when I do, it comes water, not pouring out, shooting out. And when I say shooting out, I mean three rows of behind us like a fucking fountain. And it sprays the guy behind right behind me the most. And I mean, he got, I don't know, a quarter of a cup of water all over him. I mean, it just went. And not only was I amazed, but when I realized it was going behind us all over the place, I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Yeah, the dude was the coolest. He was like, ah. He's like wiping his cool, cool man. He's like wiping his face off. He's not wet. You know, freezing cold. Those planes are. They do that on purpose to put you to sleep. Those planes get like, to be like 58 degrees.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I know, but I can't sleep when it's that cold.

[Brian Green]

It's supposed to like, slow your. But it's to keep everybody calm.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Okay.

[Brian Green]

It's like a hospital or a jail. It's like supposed to keep everybody calm, but it just makes me miserable.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Especially the long haul flights where you get super high in the air. It's like, I don't know, it's for efficiency. But I've also had a pilot tell me that it's really. They do that to make you a little bit sleepy. So if now he's got to be cold and wet the entire flight because I don't know how physics work. I should have twisted the bottle open first. And that way if any water pulled out, poured out, it would have been on me and not on him. So. Okay, but while I'm apologizing for this, the. My other two children grabbed the water bottles out of my hand that I have gotten out of the bag to give to them. So I'm like, apologize. Oh, man. Let me. I got you a napkin. He said, no, no, no, it's cool, man. Don't worry about it. I get it. It's cool. That was pretty funny. And I was like, yeah, it really was. So me. I. Not it. Not. As soon as I turn around from apologizing to one person, the next child opens up their water bottle, it goes flying in the opposite direction. That lady was not so cool. She was like, yeah, now I get it. I don't want to be wet on a plane either. And I'm sorry about my son's germ filled water spilling all over you, but I really apologize, so. And she was, you know, whatever. Okay, move on. You know, there was only one thing to do in that case is apologize and then just turn forward and pretend it never happened or else you're going to end up on Instagram like those other people being tog tied for a seven hour flight. Right. And I don't want to be that guy guy, so. And then the third child, Asher, and I realize what's going on here and. And the third child is about to open it up and we're like, no, no, no, Right. She managed to get it halfway open and it sprayed forward and not backward, which was, which was good. So in other words, don't be careful with your water bottles, kids. But, but here, let me tell you the most disgusting thing. So it's like, I don't know, it's. We got to be five hours into this eight hour flight. Eight and a half hour flight. First of all, the weather is so wild that a normally 8 hour flight only took 7 hours and 42 minutes because the winds are so strong and so fast up in that stratosphere. Wherever, however, you know, whatever five miles up in the air, that it's pushing the plane at an amazing speed. That plane was going like 6, 600 miles per hour, which is crazy. Should be going like 445, like 30 minutes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

A full 30 minutes early. Just coming from Memphis.

[Brian Green]

Oh really?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Back to Atlanta.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's crazy. And then it took 10 hours to go the opposite direction because we could only go 400 miles per hour because we're flying against the wind. Crazy. But anyway, we're like a number of hours into this flight. Everybody's sleepy, everybody's cranky, everybody's tired, it's dark, you know, the kid, some of the kids are sleeping. Some of them are just whining and I'm just sitting there with my earphones on pretending that I'm listening to something, but I'm really not. I'm just hoping that no one talks to me. Hoping that none of my kids see that I'm awake. And I've been watching because I'm right in front of it as people go in and out of the bathrooms. Oh yeah, some people spend a lot of time in there. Yeah, some people are very. They're bigger human beings. I can't believe that they can fit in there, but they do. It's just fun to kind of people watching. Watching. Going in out of the bathroom is. You can tell when someone takes a shift because. Yeah, they come out of a bathroom, they close the door instantaneously and then they look around, you know what I'm saying?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And then when it's just been there for a while.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, yeah, right. 10 to 15 minutes. But then when it's a normal pee pee, you know, they're in there for a couple minutes, maybe five.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And then they leave the door open. They, you know, they just get it, they spring out of there like, I didn't have to shit today. If we stop the plane, it won't be this way because it's pee pee all the time. Time, you know, okay, so. But at one point. And by the way, this bulkhead divides the upper classes from the lower classes. The lower classes being me and the upper classes being the comfort seats and the premium seats. Well, the comfort seats, I don't think the premium seats have their own, you know, the first class have their own bathrooms way up front that no one can go to or look at.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

Turn into a stone and die or something like that. I'm not sure. I don't know.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Although I've noticed that people do come up from the other areas to go a couple times I've flown.

[Brian Green]

Depends on who the pendant is. And I think they allow those comfort seats sometimes to scoot on up there if like, you know, the middle bathrooms are taken. But I think under most circumstances it's own. It's only the pre. You only that's reserved for first class. But anyway, a couple of gold plated. Yes, Gold plated bathrooms. But at one point I noticed a lady walking up and down the comfort aisle because, you know, kind of sticking out there. And I can see without much effort, I can see that comfort aisle. I can see a lady walking up and down the comfort aisle aisle. Larger lady, older, maybe in her 60s, kind of disheveled a little bit, wearing what I can only describe as the sweatpants suit of all sweatpants suits. But whatever, make yourself comfortable. And she's walking up and down the aisle with bare feet. Oh, bare feet. Now we already discussed this on the show. We've discussed it a few times. It's a big. No. No, it is. You do not wear no foot apparel on a, on a plane. First of all, it's disgusting for everyone else. Second of all, it's disgusting for you. You know how many times on average they clean those planes? Zero. That's how many times they clean those planes. The carpets are blue or brown for a reason because it hides all the disgustingness that is going on on those carpets. They're disgusting. People go walk into those bathrooms with pee and poop and all that all over the floor. Then they walk all over the carpet. You don't want to have anything to do with that. That. I couldn't believe it. I was mortified. I was like, what is this lady doing? Why does she put on some shoes or at the very least some socks? At the very.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes, some compression socks or something. If you had to have. You had to take your shoes off.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Socks you can throw away at the very first bathroom you see once you land. Right. But then she does something that I really thought was Just something no human being would ever do. She opens the door, door of the smaller bathroom in the middle seat, the middle area, and she walks in and is in there for 10 to 15 minutes. She went in to the bathroom of an aeroplane that is being used by additional 300 people hours into the flight, barefoot. And she is going to the bathroom in there barefoot. Chrissy. I could not believe my eyes. I could not believe my eyes. Nice. It was the most single handed, single disgusting thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Why? Why would you do that? Do you have no sense in your head? Do you have no comp. This is why this country is in fucking trouble is because we are at a point now where people think it's acceptable in any way, shape or form to go into a airport bathroom, airplane bathroom, with zero covering on your stinky ass feet.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, they probably actually clean the bathrooms in the airport more than they do.

[Brian Green]

Oh yeah, the airport bathrooms, no problem.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I'm always seeing people mopping and wiping.

[Brian Green]

There's. In Atlanta, there's like one attendant per bathroom 24 hours a day. They're always in there, you know, monitoring my vaping going on in the bathroom, Monitoring my secret vaping before or after a long flight, you know what I'm saying? But this lady went in and then she walks out like that, like nothing happened. She just was normal. First of all, I. She closed the door and she looked around. So I noticed he took a second of all. What are you thinking? What in the world could possibly be rolling around that thick skull of yours that it would be okay to go to the bathroom in an airplane with nothing but your feet? Chris. Name another disgusting thing you've ever seen in your life that could top that. Name one.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

People have had sex with me who have reported less disgust in their faces, who have, who have a look of less disgust than mine. After I saw that lady come out of the bathroom. That was amazing. That was only. Oh, Chrissy. I was like. And then Astrid was like sleeping over in the corner, but I really wanted to wake her up and alert her. Yeah, look. Meanwhile, so the rest of the flight, anytime anyone had to go to the bathroom on my. I, I avoided that bathroom altogether because I was like, I'm not gonna be a part of that, that I'm not going to be part of that crime that just happened. If the police, if the police want to come and question me about a witness report about that crime, I'll talk. I'll talk because there's no hiding that that lady needs to Be arrested. I was embarrassed she was going to the same country I was. Yes. I should have taken a picture of her. So if I saw her in Spain, I could have avoided her like the plague. This lady is disgusting. And then, you know, she got out before I did because she was in front of me.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

I wanted to see if she was, like, with somebody. Was there a man or a woman in her life? Is there children?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You would have to put shoes back on then over the dirty bare feet.

[Brian Green]

Oh, Chrissy.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And.

[Brian Green]

I mean, are you rubbing your feet with disinfectant when you get back? Maybe that would just lessen the disgust a little bit. Like, you figure, I don't want to ruin a good pair of socks or shoes. So what I'm doing is I'm using my feet because at least I can put disinfectant on them. Do you have rubber glove? I mean, just like the whole. I could not get over it. For two hours I sat on that plane and wondered what was. What would become of this lady, how her life choices would roll out. Would she fall in love? Would she have, you know, does she have children, the grandchildren coming? Does she live with somebody? Is there any hope for this lady to have a meaningful life? I was so curious about this one lady. I just couldn't get over it. Yeah. For the entire breaker. Right.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

As far as a partner goes, Years.

[Brian Green]

Imagine.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Imagine you start dating someone, they say, hey, I want to take you to Paris, first class, all accoutrements included. And then you get into that first class seat and you're like, oh, my God. Three hours into the flight, they get up with a take their socks off and head to the bathroom. Imagine. What would. What would you think?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, I would think say, no.

[Brian Green]

No, no. I'd have to say no.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, this is quite the beginning to your story.

[Brian Green]

Oh, so much more to come. Stay tuned. Stay tuned Tomorrow more. I'm sure we'll be talking about this trip for a long time to come. There's massages and weddings and dancing horses. Oh, my.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Now I want to hear about the dancing horse.

[Brian Green]

Oh, the dancing horses. I mean, I think that's maybe one of the least interesting things that happened on the trip. So I'll tell you my more about it. It's funny that Christina put out a best of episode about massages. I happened to hear that episode of listen when I was in Spain because I love to hear myself when I'm traveling. And I said, oh, that's funny that you just put out a massage episode, because I just got one this morning and she said I knew it. I knew you massage. So anyway, thanks to Christina for all her hard work. Thanks to my wife for joining us. Thank you. Thank you, thank you you so much. We appreciate it.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

More surprises to come.

[Brian Green]

Thank you listeners. Yes, more surprises to come. I'll be going for a procedure later on this week, so hopefully we'll have fresh episodes for you the entire time. But if we don't, I'm probably dead. And thanks for listening.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's been great.

[Brian Green]

It's been great. We had a lot of fun. That's right. Cool, cool, cool. CO I forgot the phone number. 212TCV 212-833-3822 questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas? We are taking them all. Send them to us. Hey, we're going to be doing some special episodes in Christmas time during Christmas time leading up to Christmas Day. I want to know if there's any charities that you feel strongly about. Charities. Let me know. Text me, Send an [e-mail] the dropdown down menu. You can contact us or get your free sticker. Drop down menu says I want my free sticker. Give us your address, we'll send it to you. No must, no fuss. Add the commercial break on Instagram TCB podcast on tick tock and YouTube.com the commercial break. Thanks to Natasha Leggero for being on our show this week. Go check out her show are you smarter than a celebrity With Travis Kelsey. Okay, Chrissy, guess that's all I can do for today.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I think so said.

[Brian Green]

But I'll tell you that I love you. Best to you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Best to you.

[Brian Green]

Best you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time. Chrissy and I always say we do say and we must say goodbye. Sam.