Who's Your New Daddy?

Summary

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The Commercial Break – Episode Summary

Episode Title: Who's Your New Daddy?

Podcast: The Commercial Break
Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley
Release Date: August 22, 2024

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode is an off-the-rails journey through Bryan and Krissy’s trademark mix of unscripted comedy, gleefully inappropriate banter, and personal stories of parental chaos and aging parents. The main narrative thread is Bryan’s adventures (and misadventures) as he navigates caring for his mother following a fall, dealing with emergency services, embarrassing family hospital visits, and the unexpected, often absurd realities of growing older. Throughout, the hosts riff on the indignities of aging, wild tales from retirement homes, and imagined retirement debauchery—all with their signature, self-deprecating wit.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bryan’s Ongoing Parental Struggles & Family Chaos

• Sleep and existential funk: Krissy kicks things off with a tongue-in-cheek complaint about being in a “thick, dark fog,” not sleeping, and finding existential meaning—all delivered with comic nihilism.

  • Quote: “I’m not depressed. I just feel like I’m in a thick, dark fog and everyone disappoints me and nothing works out. And what’s the point of anything anyway?” (00:00, Chrissy)

• Live show ticket push & gig economy jokes: Bryan and Krissy joke about selling out a venue, being “available for private event, on the low low low,” and what cheap room-and-board would get them to do a live show.

  • Quote: “You put us up at an Embassy Suites near a Chili’s, a Dave and Busters and a good massage parlor—Chrissy and I will basically do the show for free!” (02:13, Bryan)

2. Aging, Mobility Aids, and Retirement Home Humor

• Bryan’s mom’s injury and mobility struggles: Bryan details the trials of caring for his aging mom after a broken leg, including renting a Hoyer lift (“so you can shit!”), encountering mobility aid stores packed with customers, and laughing about infomercials for hoverounds.

  • Quote: “They actually put a hole in the bottom so you can shit. So they can put you over the toilet and just let the poop fly. I’m not sure—it’s like a cat hanging off the counter shitting in a litter box.” (07:16, Bryan)

• Hoveround infomercials at the Grand Canyon: The duo riff on old hoveround commercials, the dangers of mobility scooters near cliffs, and how old age and disabilities are exploited in zany marketing.

  • Quote: “Those should be for able-bodied people only. That’s—seriously. You shouldn’t be scooting around the Grand Canyon!” (10:40, Bryan)

3. The Surreal Realities of Senior Living

• Erect retiree sightings: Bryan recounts observing a senior citizen with “a full-on erection” at the retirement facility dining room, musing about medication and old-age sexuality.

  • Quote: "His dick showed up to the dining room like three minutes before he did. First of all, I was impressed. Second of all, I was like, wow..." (15:55, Bryan)

• Retirement home music and generational shift: They jest about their own senior years, picturing Alice in Chains' "Man in the Box" playing in nursing homes and the shifting tastes of the next generation of elderly.

4. Bryan’s Emergency Room Adventures

• Calling 911 for non-emergencies: Bryan narrates the Kafkaesque process of getting help for his mom from the fire department, with Krissy chiming in about the absurdity and bureaucracy of emergency services.

  • Quote: (Bryan role-playing with 911 operator):
    • "Sir, are her feet or legs on fire?"
    • "No."
    • "Has her eyeball fallen out?"
    • “No.”
    • "Have you given her CPR?"
    • "Not yet, but if I stay on the phone with you, I might get to that point.” (24:01)

• Firefighters as 'New Daddies': Bryan’s young children are oblivious to the ER chaos and more focused on finding Disney Junior on TV, while the firefighters comfort them—and joke about being the kids’ “new daddy.”

  • Quote: "The firefighter, like, gets down on one knee. He's like, that's a good girl. You know everything's gonna be okay, right? I'm your new daddy now." (26:31, Bryan)

5. Cringe-Funny Hospital Encounters

• Unintentional exposure and elder care: Bryan shares a mortifying moment witnessing his mother’s exposed private parts during an ER assessment, leading to jokes about “every cooter is beautiful” and how aging leads to these unintended familial exposures.

  • Quote: "There it is, high inside my mom's cooter... It’s a cooter computer right there." (33:01, Bryan)

• Pain medication fixations: Bryan’s mother relentlessly asks for pain medication, to the amusement and despair of the attending nurse.

6. Shocking Retirement Home Tales

• The legendary 'Jane from Ohio' story: The episode's title takes on new meaning as Bryan's mother recounts an 87-year-old resident who had to be hospitalized after getting a vibrator stuck in her vagina—a story Jane reportedly told others “as a cautionary tale.”

  • Quote:
    • "She got a vibrator stuck in her hoo hoo." (41:09, Bryan's Mom)
    • "She told everybody as a cautionary tale." (41:36, Bryan's Mom)
    • "Impressed that in an 87 year old woman is still knocking it out with, yeah, with toys." (42:47, Bryan)

• Sexuality and STDs among the elderly: Krissy and Bryan riff on increased libido among seniors and the surprising rates of STDs in retirement communities thanks to new medical interventions.

  • Quote: “Places like the Villages and retirement homes are experiencing an explosion in STDs... because of new medicines that allow people to be sexually active.” (43:00, Bryan)

7. Golden Years Aspirations: No Holds Barred

• Aspirations for old-age debauchery: Inspired by a wild Instagram personality, Bryan and Krissy fantasize about their own future as seniors—orgies, drugs, and travel—minus the misogyny and “colorful language.”
  • Quote: "That’s what we want to be. Well, minus… some of the attitudes and language." (49:06, Krissy & Bryan)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments with Timestamps

• On existential malaise:

  • “I’m not depressed. I just feel like I’m in a thick, dark fog and everyone disappoints me and nothing works out. And what’s the point of anything anyway?”
    —Chrissy, 00:00

• On mobility aids and bodily functions:

  • “They actually put a hole in the bottom so you can shit. So they can put you over the toilet and just let the poop fly. I’m not sure—it’s like a cat hanging off the counter shitting in a litter box.”
    —Bryan, 07:16

• On Hoveround commercials:

  • “First of all, if you’re in a fucking hoverround, you’re probably not at the Grand Canyon... your aspirations are to get to the Black Eyed Pea restaurant by 5pm for the discount.”
    —Bryan, 10:40

• On the dangers of calling 911:

  • “Not yet, but if I stay on the phone with you, I might get to that point.”
    —Bryan (mocking the 911 call), 24:11

• Firefighters as the family’s ‘new daddy’:

  • “The firefighter, like, gets down on one knee. He’s like, that’s a good girl. You know everything’s gonna be okay, right? I’m your new daddy now.”
    —Bryan, 26:31

• On family exposure in the ER:

  • “There it is, high inside my mom’s cooter... It’s a cooter computer right there.”
    —Bryan, 33:01

• On senior sexuality (Jane from Ohio):

  • “She got a vibrator stuck in her hoo hoo.”
    —Bryan’s Mom, 41:09
  • “She told everybody as a cautionary tale.”
    —Bryan’s Mom, 41:36

• On aspiring to wild senior years:

  • “That’s what we want to be. Well, minus… some of the attitudes and language.”
    —Bryan & Krissy, 49:06

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Bryan describes family chaos & live show jokes: 00:18–04:52
• Adventures at mobility aid store: 06:25–08:28
• Hoveround/Grand Canyon riff: 08:30–11:42
• Senior erection story: 15:16–16:41
• Calling 911 & dealing with first responders: 21:11–27:31
• Firefighters as 'new daddy': 26:31
• Hospital/ER anecdotes, "cooter computer": 31:25–33:34
• Jane from Ohio's vibrator saga: 41:09–42:15
• Senior sexuality & STD rates: 42:59–44:05
• Bryan’s Instagram inspiration for old-age debauchery: 44:24–49:06

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Overall Tone

Irreverent, darkly comic, deeply self-aware, and effusively candid, this episode is pure, unvarnished TCB: personal stories, foul-mouthed asides, and a relentless drive to find humor in the indignities and absurdities of modern family life and aging.

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Summary for the Uninitiated

If you missed the episode, here’s what you need to know: Bryan and Krissy riff through personal disasters, hospital visits, and the strange realities of elder care, alternating between cringe, confession, and cackling laughter. The episode peaks with a wild retirement home tale, self-mockery about future debauched retirements, and a series of increasingly unhinged observations about life, aging, and the surprising endurance of libido. Expect plenty of TCB’s raw, unfiltered energy and a knack for mining comedy out of the messiest moments in life.

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Transcript

[Chrissy Hoadley]

And anyway, I'm not depressed. I just feel like I'm in a thick, dark fog and everyone disappoints me and nothing works out. And what's the point of anything anyway? And before you ask, it's not because I'm not sleeping, okay? Because I'm getting 14 hours of sleep a night.

[Brian Green]

On this episode of the commercial break, one of my sons is running around with a remote control to Grandma Kiki's tv asking what channel Disney Junior is on. And I'm like, son, read the room, read the room. He's like, literally asking the firefighter. And then like, my daughter is like, showing the firefighter, she can't even speak yet. She's like, mimi, Mimi, mira, Mimi, Mimi. She's speaking Spanish to the firefighter. And the firefighter, like, gets down on one knee. He's like, that's a good girl. You know everything's going to be okay, right? I'm your new daddy now. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. 12:30 in the morning. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co host of this show, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Best to you, Brian.

[Brian Green]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe, I came up with a brilliant idea today. You did? Doesn't matter if you're in Florida. Buy tickets to the show anyway and support the cause. I was thinking, why not buy a ticket? 30 bucks. It's either that or Patreon. We're going to Patreon if you don't buy tickets. No, I'm kidding. I mean, you can, of course, but then we'll just sell the place out with nobody listening. I mean, that would be kind of weird too. And we'll probably piss off the wait staff and the bartender.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That's true.

[911 Operator]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I think that's how they make their money, actually. What if we sold the place out and no one was there? Hey, but listen, someone wants to drop ten grand and rent the place out, I'll. I'll leave the thousand dollar tip. I'll leave the thousand dollar tip.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We're available for private event.

[Brian Green]

That's right. Available for pri. On the low low. On the low low. I'm gonna throw a third low in there. On the low low. Oh, you don't even realize how cheap it is to get the commercial break to show up. You put us up at a semi decent hotel.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, just a medium one.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Next to a Chili's and a Dave and Buster's Chrissy and I will basically do the show for free. Chrissy needs a bottle of wine. Yeah, I need some Tiger Balm for my back.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That's a good rider.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, we're good. You put us up in an Embassy Suites near a Chili's, a Dave and Busters and a good massage parlor. I'm not talking about the up and up massage parlors. Talking about those weird kind. They always have the curtains closed. And some Tiger Bomb and a good bottle of wine.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, we're there.

[Brian Green]

Album. Come to your bar mitzvah. I don't give a. I swear to God I will. No agent. Don't even call my agent. This is under the table. I'm wondering when one of those Saudi Arabia guys is going to call us and be like, come on down, guys.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

To Dubai.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, to Dubai. Seriously. I'm reading about those golfers and the musicians and.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, yeah, they get millions and millions.

[Brian Green]

Of dollars, elaborate stage sets, all this other stuff to come and play for like an hour.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Right, right.

[Brian Green]

At a wedding or something like that. I'll be happy to come make you laugh. For much less than a million dollars. I just want. I don't know if I'll be legally allowed into Dubai, but if I am, if I am, if you put me up at one of those hotels on the island, you know, the ones with no people on it. Yeah, I'll go there, sure, why not?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Hey, we'd also go to Hilton Head Island.

[Brian Green]

I go to Hilton Head island, put me at that Holiday Inn that's been there since 83. They got. They put great little coffee packets. Those shitty little coffee machines. You can never seem to get in there. It's not even the kind with an actual, like, filter thing. Like, you know, you take it out. It's the kind word. Yeah, it's a disposable filter package. You put it in there, it sprays water all over the counter.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

And then you have to fill it up in the bathroom.

[Brian Green]

Yes, that's right. That's the best.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You can barely fit it under.

[Brian Green]

Meanwhile, it's all calcified and weird and you're like, well, I do need coffee. I do have to take a this morning, so I guess I'll deal with it. Oh, man, what a great deal of fun we have here at the commercial. So if you're from Dubai or anywhere besides Florida, buy our tickets, have us over. I'll do it for coffee and pancakes. I don't care. You. You tell me. You literally, if you text me and make me an offer to play to do a show for you. I. We will negotiate. I swear to God we will. We need the money. Yes.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Or Wilson. Blue.

[Brian Green]

Oh, no. Blue got a haircut today.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I didn't see her when I came in.

[Brian Green]

Well, she just came in while we were.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, okay.

[Brian Green]

Doing this last thing that we were doing, these very important things that we were doing rehearsing this show. She came in and she's. Man, she looks high and tight. She looks 60 pounds thinner. It's amazing how fat she looks with a big old fur, you know, coat on her. Meanwhile, it's August, 97 degrees outside, and we get. We decide to get her haircut right before fall.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I know there's an even, like a little coolness in the air right now. I stepped outside last night because I wanted to look at the super blue moon.

[Brian Green]

Super duper, super duper crazy moon.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah. And I couldn't see it, but it was where we were.

[Brian Green]

It was cloudy.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah. But it felt so good.

[Brian Green]

It did. It feels nice outside. Right now it's in like the mid-60s. Oh, that morning is the sweet spot right there. The mid-60s. And then even in the afternoons, it's not so blistering hot. It's still hot, but it's not blistering hot. And I took a walk up to the coffee shop today and the old temperatureometer, you know, you get old, when you get old, you talk about the temperature just. So go ahead and tune out for the next three minutes if you're under the age of 80. And then we'll be back with more interesting conversation later. But the old temperature monitor thermometer said 79 degree. It was a lovely walk. There was a breeze. It was lovely cloudy.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We should enjoy it now because that's how. There's going to be a heat dome in the Gulf.

[Brian Green]

Oh, there's going to be a heat dome. Yeah, why not?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We're not too far from the Gulf.

[Brian Green]

Why not? We're all dying slowly. We're all boiling slowly. Why not? So, you know, I've just been dealing with my mom. Those of you who listen to the show know my mom hasn't been well since she broke a leg back in February. And man, this has gone on forever. I mean, the orthopedic told us, he said when old people, older people fall like this, especially if they're already in some state of decomposition, that basically, you know, it can be really life changing. You have to be careful. You got to really get on that rehab and make sure that it works. Well, for various reasons, it's not really Worked all that well. And so I had to go rent my mom a lift. Yeah, a fucking hoyer lift. Like one of those things where they cradle you and then lift you up. And I learned about the hoyer lift that they actually put a hole in the bottom of it so you can shit.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh my God, really?

[Brian Green]

So they can like put you over the toilet and I just gotta let the poop fly. I'm not sure. It's like a cat hanging off the counter shitting into a litter box. It's really weird, but okay, whatever, you.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Know, whatever you need to do.

[Brian Green]

Whatever you need to do. But man, in this rental place there were all. It's a tiny little place that it's in like a strip mall, but like an older strip mall. Oh yeah, tiny little place. And you go in there and it's filled, filled. You can barely walk in the place with like those hover rounds and those scoot arounds and the roustabouts and the chairs and the beds and the things. And there were so many people coming. It took me, I don't know, half an hour to rent that lift. And there were so many people coming in and out of there, like, you know, buying things, looking at things, you know, checking out the rental prices. And I was like, wow, that's crazy. When you, when this is busiest place on this strip mall is this, you know, heavenly Wheels and deals or whatever it was. Wheels and steals. I'm not sure what they call it, but I saw that hover around and they still, they, I think they still have that Wilford Brimley guy who passed away years ago as their spokesperson.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

They went to the Canyon. To the Grand Canyon.

[Brian Green]

Oh my God. I'm Wilford Brimley for Hover Round. Are you tired of sitting at home, not getting out there doing the things you used to do because of diabetes? Well, let me tell you, hover rounds changed my life and it can change yours too. And then they show a picture of two people rolling up to the edge of the Grand Canyon.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah. No, no rails, nothing.

[Brian's Mom]

No.

[Brian Green]

Why do that? God forbid the hoveround breaks down, it just goes flying off. The Grand Canyon. Just imagine some old guy just like.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, I wonder if that has ever happened. Well, no, they have railing, right in.

[Brian Green]

Most places, but the Grand Canyon, I don't know, it's called grand. It's rather large and they don't have railings everywhere. Actually there are famous videos out there of people falling off the rim. The out what they call the upper rim or out of the rim job. Or whatever the fuck it is, I don't know. And there are videos like on YouTube and stuff of people falling hundreds and hundreds of feet down. There's one famous guy was like high on something. It's probably somebody I know. He was like high on, you know, Ayahuasca, dmt, Kratom. I don't know what the. He was like, hi. And he was talking to himself and then whoop, he's gone.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh.

[Brian Green]

And then everyone, this, everyone's filming him screaming and yelling, you know, call the paramedics, call the paramedics. And he is down probably a hundred feet on a ledge and he's like twitching. He's like, ah, I'm okay. It's like, oh. I mean, I've been to the Grand Canyon. You've been to the Grand Canyon?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I have no.

[Brian Green]

Oh my God. Chrissy, there's. Listen, first of all, there should be no hover rounds allowed anywhere. No canyon. Because there's a lot of places where there are no railings. Second of all, it is truly one of the most amazing things you will ever see with your two eyes. It's hard to imagine how big it is. Pictures and videos just don't do it justice, you know. It does it justice. Fly over it. Fly over it and then you'll see just how big it is.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

But when you get there.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I never get Jeff to do that crazy.

[Brian Green]

Why?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, he would not like that.

[Brian Green]

He's afraid of heights.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

So he wouldn't go anywhere near the Grand Canyon. I'm afraid of heights too.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, he's afraid of other people falling.

[Brian Green]

Oh, he's afraid of other people falling?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah. Don't take him to the Grand Canyon because apparently it happens all the time. They're filming fucking hover on commercials up there. Yeah. They'll film a hover on commercial with parachutes on those people's backs. I mean, honestly, those hoveround commercials back in the 90s and early 2000 were famous for that shot of those two people hanging out near the edge of the Grand Canyon. And it's like, first of all, if you're in a fucking hover round, you're probably not at the Grand Canyon. You know what I'm saying? Those aren't your aspirations. Your aspirations are to get to the Black Eyed pea restaurant by 5pm for the discount. Because it's just like you shouldn't be scooting around the Grand Canyon. Those should be for able bodied people only. That's seriously kidding. You shouldn't be scooting around it should be for able bodied people. And I'm not saying, I'm not saying I want to be, I want to be clear about this. I don't want to make fun, but you shouldn't get anywhere close to the edge of that if you're in a scooter, that's for damn sure. What happens if something goes wrong? You press the button on accident, you know the electrical short.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah. The rock gets caught.

[Brian Green]

Oh yeah. Rockets caught in the tire, you flip over. I don't know. There's a myriad of things that can happen when you're driving, hover around and Wilford Brimley ain't going to be there to save you because the guy's already passed on. He's already in the great Grand Canyon in the sky. So Wilford's not going to be there to save you. It is immensely big and immensely deep. I mean a mile, we all know this. A mile wide, a mile deep. And it's hard to imagine what a mile down looks like until you get to the Grand Canyon. And it's one of the most beautiful things on our.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I remember building models of them when I was in school, you know, you had to build those.

[Brian Green]

You did?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Oh no, not me. I just did those shitty volcanoes.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

The volcano with paper mache.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that my parents never, I mean my dad maybe it kind of helped me like mix up the paper mache, the glue and the water or whatever.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Pain in the ass.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. But. And then I would just slop it on. I had whenever we, we never did Grand Canyon. I wish we had done that. But what we did do is those volcanoes. And I think we did in like three years in a row. And, and then I had to go into the science fair and I didn't know what else to do. So I did yet another volcano. But my volcano was terrible. It just looked like a. I don't know, like a mound of mashed potatoes. And I could never get it to like, you know, kind of ooze over the right way. It was terrible. But yeah, Grand Canyon sounds cool. I wish I had done a Grand.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Canyon doing little models of that.

[Brian Green]

If I had done a Grand Canyon that I wouldn't have had any oozing problems. Speaking of oozing problems. Speaking of oozing problems. And my mother, so my mother's getting this hoyer lift. She's got the lift, she's in place. Then they decide she can't use the lift, she needs a bed. And then I got to go back and rent the bed. I mean These places, these places are really busy. I think I know what we need to do.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Is open ourselves a hover round. That's what we need.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Wheels and steels.

[Brian Green]

Wheels and steels. Heavenly Wheels and Deals. We're wheeling and nailing down in Heavenly Wheels.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I'll do the commercial.

[Brian Green]

Yes, please do.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Come on down.

[Brian Green]

Come on down to Heavenly Wheels and Deals. You too can have a hover round for 19.99 a day.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We're cutting price into the bound.

[Brian Green]

We're cutting to the bone. Here at Crankies Wheels, Deals and Men's Health Clinic. We'll get you right as rain. We'll have you. We'll have you zipping down the hallway with a heart on. We rent penis pumps. We sell white Brian 3000. We have Hover rounds where we took. We took the governor off. You know what I'm saying? Wilford Brimley, you'll be jumping the Grand Canyon with, with your hover round and your boner.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh my God, we need to open one up.

[Brian Green]

We certainly do.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Well, all that aging population they keep. I keep reading about that. You know, everybody's aging.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Christina]

Us.

[Brian Green]

What are we gonna do when they're playing Alice in Chains in the retirement on the man in the Box? I can't taste my food. Judy. I said I need a second help of the mashed taters buried in my shrimp. Do you have any Third Eye Blind? We've been playing man in the Box for three days.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Maybe we should prepare and go ahead and start working on our play.

[Brian Green]

Us? Oh, yeah. Oh, don't worry. There's going to be SiriusXM. We'll have them covered. The oldies station on SiriusXM playing your favorites from Pearl Jam to break 182, the oldies. Oh, I swear to God, Chrissy. I went to my mom's place the other day when I and there was a guy that was like scooting himself to. To lunch and he had a full on. He was wearing sweatsuits and a T shirt and like a hat and he had a full on erection. I swear to God.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

He was getting his meds.

[Brian Green]

Oh, his dick showed up to the dining room like three minutes before he did. First of all, I was impressed. Second of all, I was like, wow, this is what happens when they just make, you know, they tell you to take Seattles every day, you know, and yeah, yeah, you don't know what's going on. You're all confused. But you got a hard on at lunch.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Sexy time of day.

[Brian Green]

That's it. See, getting old is like it's like aging in reverse. You just get young, but you're much. Your. Your skin is falling off, but you know what I'm saying, like everything's falling apart. Your skin's falling off. But that's what it's like when you get to that certain age, when you're like in your 80s or in, in your 90s, which I hope. Listen, like I've said to you before, 82, 83, I'm perfectly fine. 82, 83, I'm good. Check.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

My children will be old enough to sustain their own lives. You know, maybe they'll be married, maybe they'll have children. Maybe marriage and children won't be a thing then. I don't know. But at least they'll have gotten out of my house. I think. Let me do the math. I think that's just a short 10 years from now. But. 82, 83, 84. Unless they have some magic potion, lotion, something that while they might be all.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

The AI stuff, that is something that I think is going to change a lot quickly.

[Brian Green]

What is clear. Yeah, what is clear to me is that 70 years old now is not what 70 years old was even back in the 70s or 80s. It's a whole different animal.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I mean my parents are in their 70s and at least a few of them are doing really well. They look great, they're active.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

My dad.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. They're zipping around the lake. I mean, my dad.

[Brian's Mom]

Around the lake.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, dad.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Dude.

[Brian Green]

I know.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I just. Yesterday I said, dad, I will help you because he wants to go to the Blue Ridge Mountains. And he's like, I don't know how to do it. Like where do. He's used to the travel agent coming into their community and having everything set out. So I said, I'll help you. And he's like, well, I was like, we need to do this on the phone though. Let's tell you the website to go to. Let's look at it. I don't know all the options, the things you want, what time of year, anything. He said, well, I'm in Madison today and we might be here all day. And then also tonight we have a party. I was, he's like retired. Life is busy.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it really is.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Well, good for you. I was like, enjoy your day.

[Brian Green]

Enjoy your.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Please enjoy yourself.

[Brian Green]

Please enjoy yourself.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Because best to you.

[Brian Green]

I understand now what it's like to go through like your, your non formative years, like your middle ages. Right. With children and a family and how hard that is.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And how you don't get any fucking time to yourself. Listen, astronaut made a joke. Last night we went to yet another parent teacher conference, and I swear to God, we had to get my brother babysat. My brother and his girlfriend babysat. Yeah, for the. With the kids. And so we were gone for, like, an hour and a half. And I said, honey, our date nights have turned. Our date nights are now parent teacher conferences. That's what it is. We're wasting this good babysitting time on parent teacher conferences where, God bless America. They don't share much information you actually need to know. I mean, we've had kids at this school for a long time, at this preschool for a long time.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And it's kind of like, I am. We already know this, but you want to go, and you want to be supportive. You want to be an active parent.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You. You don't want to be the one. It's like, now. Can't.

[Brian Green]

Well, listen, one of my kids has, like, 20 kids in the total class, and there were, like, six parents there, and I was like. And they're all new to the school, of course. And I'm like, we're. Except for one of them. And I'm like, where are all the other shitheads? You guys, what the fuck? I mean, come on. If I got to be here, you got to be here, too. Honestly. Honestly. If I got to suffer, everybody else has got to suffer, too. I want names and phone numbers of people that didn't show up. I want to call them and tell.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Them, oh, the next birthday party can be like, I didn't see you there.

[Brian Green]

Oh, the birthday parties. It's birthday party time. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's birthday. The invites and the non invites, and. Yeah, for the first time, I think we got snubbed. I think we got snubbed, and I think there's no way that we did. We got snubbed. Or it was a very weird oversight, but we got snubbed. But then my wife and I were. Esther and I were talking about, like, who cares?

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You're, like, actually good.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

They weren't to go.

[Brian Green]

They weren't our friends anyway, were they? They probably were.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We thought they were.

[Brian Green]

We thought they were.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

We thought they liked us.

[Brian Green]

All right, I have a funny story to tell about my mom and the senior citizen home, the retirement village that she lives in. But let's take a break because, you know, we got to do that. Let's pay some bills, and then we'll be back.

[Christina]

Oh, my God, Christina, you're an icon and a legend. That's my impression of you when I tell you that you can officially get tickets to come see us in Florida. We'll be at Dania Beach Improv on September 24th and the Funny Bone Orlando on September 25th. And both of those links are already in the show notes. So come see us and giggle your way into our little hearts. If you can't make it to Florida to win our love, don't worry. We're easy. All it takes is to follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok CBpodcast. Or you can text us at 212-4333, TCB. And check out our website, tcbpodcast.com for all of our audio, video, content, and any sneaky links we might share.

[Brian Green]

All right, so mom falls the other day, and she said this on the show before. She's a bigger lady. And so she falls two times in 24 hours. We have to have the fire department out there to get her up into a safe position. And as soon as I heard about this, we run over to make sure she's okay and bring her some stuff or whatever. And she needs to get out of a wheelchair into her, like, normal chair where she's like a reclining chair where she sits and watches TV for the day. But we can't. Yeah, qvc. That's right. That qvc. Swear to God, I'm gonna take that thing off. I can't take it off her TV. I tried, but I can't take it off her TV. My mom is addicted to QVC.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And she will not order one. She will order 10 different sizes and this and 10 different colors of the same thing and then never return them. And I'm like, mom, what are you doing? And she's like, I don't know. I'm like, yes, you do. Stop it. Anyway, we can't lift her up into the chair. There's like, a number of us, but we just can't safely do it. So I gotta call. So now I have to call the fire department. She goes to the emergency room.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Were there, you call the fire department.

[Brian Green]

91 1. I tried to call non emergency.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

But they told me to call 91 1. They were like, well, if you need this kind of assistance, you. You just go ahead and dial emergency services. So then, like, I'm trying to, you know, 9, 1 1. Here's how it goes. Ready?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Anytime you call 91 1.

[911 Operator]

Main Street Emergency. What is the address of your emergency?

[Brian Green]

And you're like, you know, 1, 2, 3, 4, 7 Schmidt Street.

[911 Operator]

What's your name?

[Brian Green]

Brian Green.

[911 Operator]

What's your phone number?

[Brian Green]

772-444-4444.

[911 Operator]

Can you repeat the address of the emergency?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. 1234 Schmidt Street.

[911 Operator]

Your name again? One more time.

[Brian Green]

Brian Green.

[911 Operator]

For the record, can you give me your phone number one more time?

[Brian Green]

You already have it. Because, you guys. I know you're tracking my phone now, for God's sakes. Right?

[911 Operator]

What is the nature of the emergency?

[Brian Green]

I don't. It's not really an emergency.

[911 Operator]

Please share what the nature of the emergency is, and I will determine whether or not it's an emergency.

[Brian Green]

Okay. My mom fell.

[911 Operator]

Is she on the floor right now?

[Brian Green]

Sir, hold on one second. She fell on the floor yesterday.

[911 Operator]

She's been on the floor the entire time.

[Brian Green]

Hold on. Wait one second. Just hold on. Let me tell you the story.

[911 Operator]

Sir, is she breathing?

[Brian Green]

Yes, she's breathing. She's fine. She's in a chair.

[911 Operator]

You said she was on the floor?

[Brian Green]

No, she was on the floor yesterday.

[911 Operator]

But she's not there anymore.

[Brian Green]

No.

[911 Operator]

You lift her up while you're talking on the phone?

[Brian Green]

No.

[911 Operator]

Sir, what is the emergency?

[Brian Green]

My mom. We can't get my mom from one chair to another.

[911 Operator]

I'm not sure this is an emergency. Has she tried to stand up?

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[911 Operator]

Did she get herself into the chair?

[Brian Green]

No, or I wouldn't be calling you.

[911 Operator]

Sir, please stay on the line. I'm sending paramedics, an ambulance. I'm sending paramedics to firefighters. Please stay on the line. I'm gonna give you further instructions. Is she breathing?

[Brian Green]

Yes, I already said that.

[911 Operator]

Is she pale?

[Brian Green]

No.

[911 Operator]

Are her feet or legs on fire?

[Brian Green]

No. Is any.

[911 Operator]

Has her eyeballs falling out?

[Brian Green]

No.

[911 Operator]

Have you given her cpr?

[Brian Green]

Not yet, but if I stay on the phone with you, I might get to that point.

[911 Operator]

Sir, what I need you to do is make sure that she stays, well, alert and breathing. Do not allow her to have any food or drink for the next until the firefighters arrive. Sir, I also need to make sure you're monitoring her heart rate. Sir, I also need you to make sure she's warm and comfortable. Sir, I also need you to make sure that she has a good book with her in case she has to wait at the emergency room. Sir, now you have to make sure you have a straw with you in case you have to do an appendectomy.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, there's not an emergency. I don't want anybody rushing here. It's just.

[911 Operator]

And, sir, let the firefighters determine whether or not it's an emergency. Thank you.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God. You're an. I mean, I know this is a tough job. Oh, yeah, it's a tough job when you. Especially when you have, like, me calling, saying, I can't lift my mom out of the chair. Right? I mean, but what else do I do? When you're stuck, you're stuck. And I felt like it was the right thing. Firefighters come, paramedics come. You know, paramedics are there first. She's fine. She's breath. Everything's fine. You know, she's just sitting in the chair. We can't get her up, and she's got these huge, swollen knees because she fell earlier. So I'm like. And so the paramedics, like, so what do we want to take her to the emergency room for? And I'm like, for the swollen knees and. Because maybe she needs to stay there for a couple days until she can get back on her feet because it's really dangerous for her to just be sitting here without any mobility whatsoever. And so the paramedic says to me, gotcha. That is definitely a reason to send her to the hospital. So let's do that. Right? And so Astrid's there with all the kids. You know, I got 75 kids running around, and honestly, there are five huge firefighters that are awful cute. And I'm Astrid staring at them. They're all Glen Powell, like, yeah, right? And here I am with my dad bod, wearing my Sunday best, you know, shorts from 1922 and ripped T shirt, smelling like a horse. Because I. I've been running around trying to help my mom. And here come these firefighters with mustaches and big bags on their back, and they're like, don't worry, sir. We got this. We also have very strong dicks in case we need to lift her. Matter of fact, three out of five of us have erections right now just in case we have to use them to lift her into position. And I'm like, holy shit. God damn it. I shouldn't have called the fire department. So. So Astor staring at the firefighters, One of my sons is running around with a remote control to grandma Kiki's tv, asking what channel Disney junior is on. And I'm like, son, read the room. Read the room. He's, like, literally asking the firefighter. And then, like, my daughter is, like, showing the firefight. She can't even speak it. She's like, mimi, Mimi, Mira, Mimi, Mimi. She's speaking Spanish to the firefighter. And the firefighter, like, gets down on one knee. He's like, that's a good girl. You know everything's gonna be okay, right? I'm your new daddy now. Your dad has to come live at this place for a little while. And I'll be your new daddy. Yes. Your mommy's in good, strong hands with me. Your daddy's not living up to the right expectations. That's why he had to call us. So now I'll be your. We're all going to be your new daddy. And we're going to be her new daddy, too. We're your mommy's new daddy also. Don't worry.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Your dad's going to have to live here for a little while.

[Brian Green]

Your dad lost his man card. We're going to help him find it. Don't be scared. He may not come back to your house or our house, but you'll be. We'll send pictures and videos. Don't worry. So they take my mom. I tell astronaut you go home, take. You know, we're all in one car. I'm like, go home. Like, this is not a. We don't need the kids at the hospital. That's just. That's just a bad idea.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

The kids are already destructive enough. We don't need them running around people's heads falling off their shoulders and arms broken in weird ways. I'm like, just take them home. And so then she leaves. And then they're strapping my mom onto the gurney, and I'm like, I. Then I thought to myself, oh, shit, how do I get to the hospital? So there's like, two young paramedics and a female and a male. And so I say, ma', am, can I take a ride with you in the ambulance? And she looks at her partner, and I was like. Because my wife took the car. And she's like, being sympathetic. She's like, his wife took the car. Can we just give him a lift? And he's like, yeah, but he'll have to sit up front. Right, Right. So. Okay.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I had to do that one time.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah, Jeff. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so it's. I guess it's a policy that they actually don't let you go in the ambulance. I'm assure. Unless it's some kind of, like, you might die on the way there. And somebody, a loved one needs.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

No, I was sitting in the front, too.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. So I was sitting in the front of this ambulance. And so, you know, this guy.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Interesting.

[Brian Green]

It's very interesting being inside there.

[Brian's Mom]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

You hear all the, you know, noises, but there weren't any. There Were no sirens. Yeah, she wouldn't do that. I told her too. I said, can we turn on the siren?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Can I turn on the siren?

[Brian Green]

Y she was like, I don't think.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

What channels Dizzy Junior.

[Brian's Mom]

Yeah, Junior.

[Brian Green]

You can ask your daddy when you see him at the funeral. So we're riding there and I said, you know, I feel really bad about this. Like, you know, this is terrible. I should have never called 91 1. I'm sorry to waste your time like this. And she goes, no, no, no, no, no, don't even worry about it. She. This, this is on Saturday, Sunday. And, and she says, you wouldn't believe the phone calls that weekend.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, I'm.

[Brian Green]

I can only imagine every weekend she goes, it's an 18 year old that's had too much to drink. It's someone that's high on mushrooms that thinks that, you know, they've their arms coming off. It's, you know, someone that is detoxing from op. She goes, it's all kind of crazy stuff, especially when it gets late at night. I said, what's the craziest phone call.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

You've gotten this weekend or the craziest call you went on this weekend? Literally, someone called because they could not reach the remote control because they were so twisted up they couldn't get to the remote control. And I said, was that my mom? And she's like, no, no. She said someone had smoked too much pot. They were like melted into the couch, a younger person, and they couldn't reach the remote control and they felt like that was an emergency. So they called 91 1. Of course, when you call 911, they're going to dispatch for anything because that's what they have to do. It's a liability if they don't. So she said, I walked in, we walked in, we had to, you know, open. The firefighters had a crack open.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

They had to like bust open the door.

[Brian Green]

And then she said, we get in there and it's this kid, basically this young man who's high as. And he's melted into the couch and the TVs on very loud on a station that he doesn't want and he can't reach the remote control. And he, he thought his arms were longer than. He thought his arms were longer or something along those lines. Right. His arms had shortened up or something. And so they basically, they basically took some cookies from his kitchen and put it down near him and gave him the remote and was like, don't call again or you're going to be charged with misusing 91 1.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Exactly. The cookies could have been the problem, though.

[Brian Green]

Well, they. They wanted to give something in his stomach, I guess, was the point. They were trying to, like, you know, sober him up a little bit. So, anyway, so we get to the hospital, and, you know, my mom's, like, unintentionally yelling. She's not, like, yelling at people. She's just like, honey, are they gonna.

[Brian's Mom]

Get me some pain medication?

[Brian Green]

And you can hear it down the hallway. I'm like, mom, you don't have to say it so loud.

[Brian's Mom]

And she's like, I had so much pain.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, are you really hurting that badly? I don't know.

[Brian's Mom]

But I just. I think if I had some pain medication, everything would be better.

[Brian Green]

I'm like, okay, you don't have to yell. So the nurse comes in. My mom asks her for pain medication six times in the first two minutes this girl is in there. And so finally, I'm like, mom, you already asked her. I did. Yes, you did. Stop. You don't need to do that. And my mom's not, like a pain medication junkie.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

No.

[Brian Green]

She doesn't take pain medication. So I don't know why she's asking for it, but she thinks that it's the solution, the solution to all of her problems. So the only chair in the room is the one that is, like, right down at the end of her feet. You know what I'm saying?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

The one that can recline if you have to stay in there.

[Brian Green]

No, no, no, no. This is like an emergency room room, like a little triage room. But she. They put her back there immediately because she can't sit or walk. They'd have to transfer her. So they pushed the gurney back into this room. So the gurney. So her legs are, like, right in front of my face. Like, two feet from my face.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Three feet from my face. And so what I didn't realize until right that moment when we were there is that her nursing assistant that she has inside that place was trying to get her up into her chair, partly because she needed her to sit in that chair, but the other part was she needed to put on her underwear. So my mom.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, God.

[Brian Green]

So when they take off the blanket to do the checks of my mom's legs and stuff, there it is, high inside my mom's cooter.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, God.

[Brian Green]

It's a cooter computer right there.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I'm like, holy, the things you see. I saw my grandfather, too, when they were trying to. Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Green]

I mean, you have to just Every cooter. Yes, every cooter is beautiful in its own lovely way. All vulvas are lovely. I came out of that vulva. I should be happy about it. But there's just something about someone that, you know, it's not. It's an instant turn off. It's an instant like, oh, my God. I did not need to see that. That is not what I wanted. This.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

That was not an older family member. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Chrissy. 82, 83. I'm telling you, hover around me right off the Grand Canyon. That's what I want.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I like that idea.

[Brian Green]

I do like that idea.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I was talking about being shot off over a yacht. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe the Grand Canyon.

[Brian Green]

The Grand Canyon. Just hover around. Take the governor off 30, 40 miles per hour. Just shoot me off the canyon. And I would be happy. I'd just be like, please, just a couple seconds to get my, you know, to think about the last thoughts of people that I love. And then, splat, it's done. Don't worry about it. This was a disturbing visit to the er. It really was. Like, oh, my gosh, I just saw my mom's scooter. So the lady comes in and she gives her, you know, this. This nurse, by the way, has a mask on under the. The. She's a attractive young lady. Right, an attractive young nurse. And she's. But with a mask on and. But you can still see that, you know, her silhouette and her very extraordinarily tight scrubs. Scrubs. Like, nobody else in the place has these kind of scrubs. These are designer scrubs. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, they're like spandex scrubs.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Lululemon.

[Brian Green]

Lululemon scrubs, that's right. And she comes in, but she's a little fussy. Like, she's not the nicest of people, I guess, you know? And my mom's yelling at her, I guess doesn't help the situation.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I need babe.

[Brian Green]

Yes. And by the way, she's on the crazy wing of the emergency room because there's a guy detoxing from alcohol that keeps help, help. And he doesn't need help. And so she gives my mom a Percocet and some ibuprofen. And my mom goes, I thought you.

[Brian's Mom]

Were gonna put it in my arm.

[Brian Green]

And she's like, no, you don't need that kind of pain medication. Not right now. Like, let's just start with this, and then we'll see where we go. And so my mom takes it, she gives her a drink of water. She takes it. That lady is not one foot outside the door.

[Brian's Mom]

Is she gonna get me some pain medication?

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, mom, you just took the pain medication.

[Brian's Mom]

I did.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, yes, you did. You didn't know that? I just thought. I was just taking a sip of water, and I'm like, jesus, mom, what have you been taking today? You're all out of sorts, for God's sakes. Mother. My brother comes a couple hours into this whole ordeal. I'm just sitting at the end of the. I've now turned my chair right, like, toward the sink. I'm not looking at the sink. And I'm just like, you know, I don't know what I'm doing. Flipping through Instagram, anything but looking in that direction. I'm just like, oh, my God. So Kevin comes in a couple hours later, and so now my mom's yelling at Kevin. Like, not yelling, but yelling at Kevin.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yes. And we're all talking in a yelling voice.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Speaking in a very loud tone of voice. I mean, when I went to the bathroom and she was talking to Kevin, I could hear her in the pisser, and I was two hallways away, and I could hear her. You know, it's just. Hospitals just. They echo, and you can hear everything. So I can hear her, and I'm just. I'm half embarrassed and half think it's funny. And I'm having a hard time deciding how I'm feeling about this whole situation, but it's irritating me.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So Kevin comes in, and we start talking about how my mom got in this mess and how we're gonna get her out of this mess and what can we do? And, you know, and my mom's like.

[Brian's Mom]

Well, I'm doing a lot better than half the people in that place. I mean, for God's sakes, they can't even eat.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, you can't even get down to eat? What are you talking about? Talking about. At least they're sitting at the table, for God's sakes, Mom, we got to get you out of this mess. You got a PT hard. Mom, you got to work those weights. You got to get it done. You got to lift your legs, you got to start walking, or you're going to be falling all the time, and then it's going to be a problem. And my mom's like, you don't even understand.

[Brian's Mom]

I mean, people go to the hospital all the time over there.

[Brian Green]

One of the things I noticed is that when they were pushing my mom out of this place in a gurney, strapped up, five firefighters, two paramedics. Is that not what it was? Lunchtime time. But not one person turns their head. Not one.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's a regular occurrence.

[Brian Green]

Either it's a regular occurrence or they're afraid someone's dead and they don't want to die, they don't want to see. But they are pushing her out. And not one person turns. Now my mom starts making this argument that at least she's better off than a lot of other people that have to go to the hospital. You know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then she tells a story that is unbelievably horrifying, gross and fascinating all at the same time. And I'm going to share that story with you up next when we get back. It's one of my mom. It's one of the best things my mom's. One of the best stories my mom's ever told ever. I'll share it with you when we get back, okay?

[Christina]

You already know who it is. Christina, here to keep you actually informed, unlike some people we know. Brian, I've got certified, verified factual information about our Florida shows. So listen up up. We are coming to Dania beach improv on Tuesday, September 24th and the Funny Bone in Orlando on Wednesday, September 25th. And links to those tickets are in the show notes. So go get em. In other completely new and interesting news, you should follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTokCBpodcast. And of course, go to our website, tcbpodcast.com for all of our audio and video content. Content. And finally, if you want to tell Brian and Chrissy that I am a pretty, pretty princess or that you hate me, text us or leave us a voicemail at 212-4333, TCB. That's 212-433-3822.

[Brian Green]

Bye. All right, so here we are in the emergency room. It's Kevin. It's Kevin's girlfriend, Carrie Ann. And it's me in the room, like crowded in the room with my mom. And, you know, laughter and comedy is like part of our lives. Yeah, it's just there's been a lot. Yeah, there's been a lot of sadness and twists. And just like anybody else's life, you know, pain is about perspective. And everyone has pain in their own way. And so some people choose to, you know, bury their head in the sand. Some people get super depressed about it. Sometimes it's super dramatic, and we just tend to deal with it by laughing about it. We make a joke about every. Yeah. I don't know if you've noticed, right? So my mom is sitting there, and we are telling my mom, you gotta, like, really work hard to get yourself back up on your feet because or else you're gonna be stuck in that chair and that's not gonna be good. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And her argument back is, at least.

[Brian's Mom]

I'm not as bad off as some other people at the facility. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Brian Green]

And we're trying to, like, who's. Who's worse off at the facility, Mom.

[Brian's Mom]

Well, there's Judy, and she's got. She's got a lot of oxygen.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, well, yeah, but at least she's walking around the place. Yeah.

[Brian's Mom]

And there's Bill, and his teeth keep falling out at the table.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, well, at least he's at the table. You know what I'm saying? We're trying to, like, tell my mom it's not all shits and giggles with you either. You gotta get up and get walking.

[Brian's Mom]

When she goes, well, at least it's not like Jane.

[Brian Green]

And we're like, oh, who's Jane?

[Brian's Mom]

Like, you know, Jane from Ohio.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, okay. Yeah. My mom always indicates who someone's from. That's her way of. I don't know. It's like her way of remembering, I guess. You know, Jane from Ohio. She always has to tell you where people are from. And I'm like, I don't know. Jane from Ohio, go. Okay, mom, what about Jane from Ohio?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

It's kind of like when you're a freshman in college and then you, you know, you're meeting people from different areas.

[Brian Green]

Yes. Or you're like, at a conference. Yeah. From India. Yeah, yeah. That company that, you know. Oh, that's, you know, Brian from, you know, Odyssey or whatever, you know.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

It's like a little. Little note in your head that you have to. You feel compelled to repeat. And so I say, okay, whatever. Jane from Ohio. What's going on with Jane?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Wow.

[Brian's Mom]

A couple weeks ago, she had to go to the hospital to take her to the emergency room. You won't believe what happened to her.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, well, happened to her mom. And she's like.

[Brian's Mom]

She got a vibrator stuck in her hoo hoo.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, what? How old is Jane?

[Brian's Mom]

She's 87.

[Brian Green]

And I was like, wait, you. There's a lady at your place that's 87 years old that got A vibrator stuck in her choo cha. And she's like, that's right.

[Brian's Mom]

And it was on.

[Brian Green]

And I go, how in the world do you know this? Did they announce that before? So she was being wheeled out. Was she vibrating? Did you. Could you hear it? And she's like, no.

[Brian's Mom]

She told everybody as a cautionary tale.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, a cautionary psa. Psa. Don't leave your vibrator on when you're doing it. I don't know. And I'm like, how did she get it stuck up there, Mom?

[Brian's Mom]

Well, you know, she was masturbating.

[Brian Green]

And I was like, did she tell everybody that too? Yes.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Well, that is what you do.

[Brian Green]

Well, yeah. I mean, what are you using the vibrator for?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Clean your teeth, not your back.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it's not a back massager. And I was like, wait, so an 87 year old woman was masturbating and got her vibrator stuck in her choo cha all the way up there while it was on.

[Brian's Mom]

That's right. And they had to go in and take it out. And she said it was really uncomfortable.

[Brian Green]

And I'm like, I'm sure it was.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Well, Judy saw what's his name scooting around with a heart on.

[Brian Green]

That's right.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

She got to work.

[Brian Green]

That's right. Bill from Poughkeepsie was running around with his half hard. And she was. I gotta get to it. Knock one out real quick. Oh, no. Where did it go? Watching Judge Judy. Just popped right up there. For God's sakes. First of all, impressed that in an 87 year old woman is still knocking it out with. Yeah, with toys. With toys.

[Brian's Mom]

Yeah.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You gotta, you gotta do it.

[Brian Green]

Well, listen, if I make it to 87, I still hope I, I'm, you know, knocking it out. I, I hope I can. One can only wish.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Because you sometimes you hear that as you get older your libido goes. But counterintuitively, or counter programming to that is that places like the Villages and retirement homes are experiencing an explosion in STDs.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Because of new medicines that allow people to be sexually active. Well, I mean, I mean, hormone replacement therapy, Calis, Viagra, just for hers or whatever that the female Viagra.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Surgeries, plastic surgery surgeries. Getting everything tightened back up.

[Brian Green]

You're getting your vagioplasty or whatever it is.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And you know, you're looking, you know, your vag looks like it's 18 years old and people are knocking it out left and right. And so they are Actually having to hand out condoms at places like the villages and retirement homes to try and cut down on the Olympic villages and, and the Villages. That's right, the Olympic in the regular villages. It's crazy. So if I make it to my 80s, I am hoping that there's science and technology will be. We'll all be wearing that Mark Zuckerberg, you know, Metaverse.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Helmet whacking off to, you know, sexy 28 year olds.

[Brian's Mom]

Like ah.

[Brian Green]

Can you imagine?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You know, I mean we've always said too, once we get to that age we're just going to go crazy and take the drugs too.

[Brian Green]

Well, that's it, you know, that's my plan. That is my plan.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Have an orgy.

[Brian Green]

I can wait. Honestly, I cannot wait. Get these kids off to college or whatever they choose to do in their life gap life. If they go the gap life route like I did, I don't know. But whatever they choose to do, whatever they choose to do, I am then just going to spend the rest of my life hitting it so hard. There's a guy on my Instagram and I don't know how I got to him. Why I'm following him, I have no idea. He was like pretend running for mayor of New York. He's one of these guys. Oh, he's got a wig on, right? Like a wig, but like a Rod Stewart back in the 70s kind of wig. You know what I'm saying?

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Blonde spiky, shaggy.

[Brian Green]

Blonde spiky shaggy, that's right, exactly. You know what I'm talking about. He is as tan as they come. He looks like the underside of an elephant. Like he's got all these rolls. He's not a fat guy, but he's got like 14 chins and he's just, his skin is so tan and so rough and so top. It's just like aged leather. I mean it's incredible. And he's got this New York accent and, and he So a couple maybe a month ago he. And he's always doing these lives and he is always has some kind of drink in his hand and he's like, I like this. Yeah, I'll show him to you. You might like everything he says, but I, I, I'm a kindred spirit.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah, exactly.

[Brian Green]

And he's like, it's your boy Dave. And I'm here at Vinnie's own and Vinnie's on makes the best, you know. And he's like, but are you going to get a good. And he's like I'm fucking smashed. I'm Drunk. And I'm saying, happy America Day to the patriots. I can't wait to get out of this country with all the fucking communists. God damn it. I'm going to spend a week in what's in French Polynesia. I'm going to spend a month in French Polynesia. I can't wait till I get there. So then fast forward to a couple of weeks later. He's waking up in the morning, he's got his man bikini on. He's out on some patio some, overlooking the beautiful whatever, wherever, the French Frank Palace, Pacific Ocean or whatever. And he's like, it's another day in French Polynesia. Look at me.

[Christina]

Hey.

[Brian Green]

Oh. You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna get some pussy. I'm gonna get. Look at some titties. And we're gonna party the night away. Fast forward to later on in the day. Now he's really smashed. I mean, he's like, there are at least three under 27 year old girls standing on a booth at an outdoor restaurant. Like a beautiful outdoor restaurant. DJ playing in the background. I mean, DJ playing in the background. And he's like, this is what America should be. This is why I'm running for the mayor of New York. Get your dick out of your party. He's like licking some girl's leg. He's like. He's like, I love it. It's French colony. I can stay here for the rest of my life. You know what I'm saying? Fast forward to the next morning. He's hungover. Oh, man, I'm not telling you. I hit it hard last night. I gotta take a day off. Stuff. It's your boy and God love you. I love all my peoples out there. All my fans out there keeps calling them fans or followers, but all my fans out on Insta. I love you. I'm gonna, I'm gonna get a little hair of the dog and I'll take it easy today. Fast forward to four hours later. He's like, I think I just took some ecstasy. I'm here with my boy Gian. Gian's from Ireland. Look at him. And I gotta look at this girl, she's so hot. She's gonna give me a blowjob later, you know what I'm saying? I'm trying to work it, you know what I'm saying? Saying he is everywhere. I don't know what he does for a living.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Show me this account, I will show you. Want to follow him now?

[Brian Green]

I do not know who the guy is. He popped onto my Algorithm. I instantaneously followed him based on one reel because I was like, this guy. This guy right here. Now, I don't like all the colorful language. And obviously he's from a different time in a different place where he doesn't think of women. Like, maybe I do. But anyway, whatever, Okay. I take it on face value that there are people from a different time in a different place. Place. And it doesn't seem like he's, like, assaulting anybody. It just seems like he's got very crass language, you know? But he is. To be fair, he's crass language about everything.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And then just all the admission of drug use and alcohol and hangovers, and I'm. And I'm smashed and I'm on a yacht, and look at all these. Look at all the. Around here. And I'm not talking about, you know, like, you're an. I'm talking about assholes. The kind you screw. You know what I'm talking about? Meanwhile, when his head shakes, his wig goes the other direction. It's not glued on correctly. Oh, man.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I'm telling you, that's what we want to be.

[Brian Green]

Well, minus. Yeah. Minus all the.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yeah. Degrading.

[Brian Green]

Minus some of the attitudes and. Attitudes and language. But, yes, that's what I want to be. I want to be. Hey, I'm here in the French colony.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

You could just wear the old Teresa Caputo.

[Brian Green]

That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get an old costume wig and just wear it out. Who cares? I'm fucked up. I don't care. Mayor. Yeah. Despite all his musings, I highly doubt he's getting a blowjob for anybody, let alone these girls. But, you know, he probably tells him he's the mayor of New York, and they're all like, I don't know. You know, they live in French Polynesia. What do they know? I don't know. The mayor of French Polynesia is. How do they know the mayor of New York is. I don't know, but I'm telling you what, it's awesome. It is like, it's a kindred spirit. You want to be that lively and that loose and that out of control, because that's the time to do those things. Things.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Maybe we need to get your mom a wig, and maybe that would make her, like, kind of turn morph into a different person.

[Brian Green]

My mom's got wigs.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Qvc.

[Brian Green]

Oh, she's got a bunch of QVC wigs. And I'm telling the other day, my youngest, we were over There we're setting up her apartment, and, you know, Grandma Kiki and then my youngest walks out of her bathroom with one of the wigs on, and I'm like, take that off your head right now. Now. Take that off your head, please. She thought it was the funniest. She was, like, laughing. She's like. And I'm like, get that off, please. You're freaking me out, kid. You're freaking me out.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, yes. You have to laugh or you will cry during these times.

[Brian Green]

That's it. That's it. So, anyway, we'll have my mom on in a couple days. Actually, I told her we'd give her a call.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Yes, please check in with.

[Brian Green]

I'll let you hear. I'll let you hear it for yourself. Yeah, I'll let you hear it for yourself. Oh, good times. Good times Indeed. I'm telling you. 82, 83, fill me full of narcotics. Send me off to French Polynesia on some yacht. Yeah. Oh, I want to talk about that yacht that sunk.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, God.

[Brian Green]

Did you hear about that? Yeah, man.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Now, I've been reading about it.

[Brian Green]

God, I mean, it's just awful. Yeah, but that guy beat. Yeah, he, like, beat the federal government.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

And they're celebrating.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, they were celebrating, but, like, all three people that were on trial have all died in, like, the last two days of natural, weird occurrences. One guy got hit by a car.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Brian Green]

Really weird. It's really strange. I don't believe in that kind of stuff, but I'm kind of like, oh, three of them. Three of them. All right, come down to Florida and see us right outside the villages. Yes, yes.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Can we make a detour into the village as we go? As we drive to.

[Brian Green]

It's in Orlando. Yeah, we'll go. All right. Dania Beach Improv on the 24th of September. Get your tickets now. On the 25th, we'll be at the Bone, the Funny Bone in Orlando. We'll be at the Funny Bone in Orlando on the 25th. Your tickets are available on the website on the show notes. We have links to it on the websites of the those two places. Of those two venues. You can go there, buy them directly and on our Instagram Lincoln bio, as they would say, Lincoln bio. So please go buy your tickets, and if you're gonna go, let us know. 212-433-3822. That's 212-4333. TCB. We would love to see you. You can also text us questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. We would love to hear them. Ask Brian's mom. Ask dcb. You know how goes. Please do us a favor. Go to tcb podcast.com the aforementioned links to the tickets are there. You can also hear all the audio, watch all the video and learn more about Chrissy and I. Plus get your free TCB sticker. Hit the contact us button, give us your physical address. We'll send you a sticker. No problem, no must, no fuss. We'll get it right off to you at the commercial break on Instagram TCB podcast on Tick tock tok and YouTube.com the commercial break. Okay Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for today.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I think so.

[Brian Green]

I'll tell you that I love you.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

I love you.

[Brian Green]

Best to you.

[Chrissy Hoadley]

Best to you.

[Brian Green]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time. Chrissy and I always say, we do say and we must say good goodbye.