Hegseth Lectures "Fat Generals" and Trump Threatens War Against U.S. Cities | Cristela Alonzo

Summary

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The Daily Show: Ears Edition — October 1, 2025

"Hegseth Lectures 'Fat Generals' and Trump Threatens War Against U.S. Cities | Cristela Alonzo"

Episode Overview

In this episode, host Ronny Chieng and The Daily Show news team deliver their signature satirical take on the day’s major political and cultural headlines. Key stories include the controversial "Secretary of War" Pete Hegseth’s body-shaming tirade against U.S. military leaders, President Trump’s alarming suggestion of using the military against U.S. cities, concerns over the explosion of online gambling, and a thoughtful interview with comedian Cristela Alonzo about comedy, identity, and the American dream.

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Headlines and Key Segments

1. Pete Hegseth’s Military “Makeover” (04:00–08:41)

• Context: Pete Hegseth, now self-styled as “Secretary of War,” calls an unprecedented in-person meeting with all U.S. generals and admirals at Quantico.
• Security Concerns:
  • Cristela Alonso notes, “It's going to also potentially be a security risk, given the sheer number of military officials” (02:46).
• Hegseth’s Speech:
  • Opens with public shaming: "It’s tiring to look out at combat formations or any formation and see fat troops. Likewise, it’s completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon" (05:09).
  • Ronny jokes: “Couldn’t you just leave some passive aggressive comments on their Instagram, like ‘Hey, congrats, General, when are you due?’” (05:34).
  • Hegseth demands uniformity: “No more beards, long hair, superficial individual expression. We're gonna cut our hair, shave our beards, and adhere to standards.” (06:25)
  • Launches a campaign against DEI and LGBTQI inclusion: “No more identity months, DEI offices, dudes in dresses. … You might say we're ending the war on warriors. I heard someone wrote a book about that.” (07:08)
• Satirical Takeaways:
  • Ronny likens new military standards to “a Grindr profile: No fatties, no facial hair, and get those ladies the [expletive] out of my sight.” (06:41)
  • Parodies the seriousness with a jab at book-pimping and Kissinger: “Say what you want about Henry Kissinger; at least he never used his position to sell his book, 101 War Crimes…” (07:29)
  • Notable Quote: “It actually just showed how disconnected his MAGA rally energy is from their professional culture, especially this moment that he clearly thought was going to crush: ‘Should our enemies choose foolishly to challenge us, they will be crushed by the violence, precision, and ferocity of the War Department. In other words, to our enemies—FAFO.’” (07:55)

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2. President Trump’s Threats and the N-word Gag (08:42–12:00)

• Trump Tries to Recover the Room:
  • “Fantastic job. I've never walked into a room so silent before.” (08:42)
  • Ronny: “Way to throw your opening act under the bus. Who was that loser? Huh?” (08:49)
• The N-Word Subversion:
  • Trump builds suspense—“I call it the N-word.” (09:10)
  • The team anxiously awaits a racial slur, but: “The word nuclear. We can’t let people throw around that word.” (09:27)
  • “There’s also kind of another word that we famously refer to as the N-word,” Ronny deadpans. (09:34)
  • Trump presses: “There are two N words, and you can’t use either of them. Can’t use either of them.” (09:49)
• Domestic War Threat:
  • Trump suggests military intervention in U.S. cities—
    • “San Francisco, Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, they’re very unsafe places. … I told Pete, we should use some of these dangerous cities as training grounds for our military.” (10:36)
    • “It’s the enemy from within, and we have to handle it before it gets out of control.” (11:03)
  • Ronny recoils: “Even I know that using American cities as a training ground for the military is kind of messed up.” (11:18)

Memorable Satirical Sketch

• New Army Ad Parody: (12:00–13:05)
  • Voiceover: “Your great-grandfather fought Hitler. … Now you’ll be called upon to take on America’s greatest enemy—Portland.”
  • Highlights new dystopian priorities: defending America from “people who make fun of our President” and “anyone with a nose ring.”

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3. Opinion Segment: The Peril of Gambling (14:28–19:47)

• Las Vegas in Decline:
  • Ricky Velez opens: “Las Vegas is loud, it’s obnoxious, and it's much like our president. It might be dying right before our eyes.” (14:51)
  • Visitors down 11%, sky-high prices, and the city losing billions (15:00–15:09)
  • “If I'm paying $33 for a drink, the rim better have cocaine on it.” (15:26)
• The Rise of Online Gambling:
  • “In 32 states plus D.C., placing a bet is now as simple as opening up an app on your phone.” (15:52)
  • Americans spent $150 billion on legal sports gambling last year.
  • “24 hours a day, 7 days a week, you can bet on events all over the world, from football to table tennis.” (16:06)
• Gambling Addiction and Its Fallout:
  • “50% of men between 18 and 49 have a sports betting app. 60% of high schoolers have gambled within the last year.”
  • “Can we have one thing on the Internet that doesn’t destroy the boys?” —Ricky (17:37)
  • “AI, porn, videogames, gambling, and Theo Von—come on, what are we doing? The boys don’t stand a chance.” (17:45)
  • Gambling ads parodied as disturbingly respectful (“Fanduel commercial paying tribute to Carl Weathers…” (16:39))
• Government's Cut and Policy Critique:
  • "The law limits loss deductions to 90% of winnings, which could leave gamblers paying taxes even when they lose." (19:07)
  • "Of course. The government has started taking a rake on gambling. Our President is a mob boss. If you’re making money, he wants a piece of it." (19:22)
  • “A government that cares about Americans would stop corporations from drowning people in gambling debt so we can go back to drowning them in health care debt like true patriots.” —Ricky (19:47)

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Interview: Cristela Alonzo (21:00–35:56)

Comedy, Representation, and the American Dream

• Cristela’s New Special and Roots:
  • Her approach: "You never know what you’re gonna do. I started writing, and then the country happened, and then you realize that you have to say something because the country is happening." (21:44)
  • Visual homage: "I wanted to do it like the standup specials that I grew up watching… The specials were special." (22:27)
• Representation in Comedy:
  • “When Letterman was retiring, I got to do his show in the last month. … That was a meter of what American was, you know?” (23:32)
  • Discusses the bittersweet evolution of American comedy institutions: “I love the comedy institutions. But what happens too is that as a Latina, as a part of a group that… you realize that a lot of the comedy institutions didn’t have people that look like you in them.” (24:36)
• Personal Story and Immigration:
  • "My mom was undocumented when she got here. I’m a first generation Mexican American. I grew up in South Texas in a border town… It’s like I do it. And I love to be personal because I think that being specific in your story actually makes it universal." (25:36)
  • "My mom always wanted to go see a movie at a movie theater. She never did… she passed away before she went to see a movie… That’s what this country does. This country makes it seem like you need to work hard. Screw them, the corporations, they don’t want to pay you a fair living wage." (27:24)
  • “The biggest form of resistance that I believe in is joy. … You need to show joy. If they hate you, you smile at them and you’re like, I am so happy.” (28:43)
• Life in Poverty and the True American Underdog:
  • “For seven years of my life, my family squatted in an abandoned diner. … [Mom] was undocumented… That’s what they do in this country with so many people—they exploit them for the labor.” (28:51)
• Voting and Latino Identity:
  • On economic invisibility: “We actually don’t see ourselves as important. We actually see ourselves as invisible because people try to cater to the next economic status.” (30:02)
  • “I just want people to vote. I don’t even care how you vote. … Every vote matters.” (31:35)
• Latino Move to MAGA and Religion’s Role:
  • “Especially where I’m from in South Texas, MAGA… Republicans decided to go through the church. So they actually infiltrated churches. … People felt spoken to, people feel represented.” (32:34)
  • “It’s that thing where… they want you to say [you love America] with some sparklers, wearing a US Flag sweater, listening to country music at an Applebee’s or whatever.” (33:46)
• Ending on Family, Representation, and Joy:
  • Emotional close as Ronny brings his mother on stage, mirroring Cristela’s tribute to her own.
    • “That’s what makes you American.” —Cristela (35:40)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Ronny on Military Body-Shaming:
  • “Couldn’t you just leave some passive aggressive comments on their Instagram, like ‘Hey, congrats, General, when are you due?’” (05:34)
• Trump's 'N-word' Gag:
  • “The word nuclear. We can’t let people throw around that word.” (09:27)
  • “There are two N words, and you can’t use either of them. Can’t use either of them.” (09:49)
• Ricky Velez on Gambling:
  • “If I’m paying $33 for a drink, the rim better have cocaine on it.” (15:26)
  • “Can we have one thing on the Internet that doesn’t destroy the boys?” (17:37)
• Cristela Alonzo on Joy & Resistance:
  • “The biggest form of resistance that I believe in is joy … If they hate you, you smile at them and you’re like, I am so happy.” (28:43)
• Cristela on Representation:
  • “I love to be personal because I think that being specific in your story actually makes it universal.” (25:36)
• Family Moment:
  • Ronny: “I will never miss an opportunity to exploit my mother for likes on the Internet.”
    • Cristela: “That’s what makes you American.” (35:40)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Pete Hegseth’s Fat Generals Rant & Military “Reform” — [04:00–08:41]
• Trump’s “N-word” Gag & War Against U.S. Cities — [08:42–12:00]
• Army Recruitment Ad Parody — [12:00–13:05]
• Gambling Crisis Segment w/ Ricky Velez — [14:28–19:47]
• Cristela Alonzo Interview — [21:00–35:56]
• Family Moment (Ronny’s Mom on Stage) — [34:56–35:43]

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Summary

This episode of The Daily Show mixes sharp political satire with genuine social commentary, lampooning the farcical excesses and authoritarian vibes of contemporary U.S. leadership while grounding the show with an insightful, moving conversation about family, identity, and activism from Cristela Alonzo. The episode threads witty critique, personal stories, and the show’s irreverent comedic style throughout, making for both an entertaining and thought-provoking listen.

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Transcript

[Cristela Alonso]

When did making plans get this complicated? It's time to streamline with WhatsApp, the secure messaging app that brings the whole group together. Use polls to settle dinner plans. Send event invites and pin messages so no one forgets. Mom, 60th and never miss a meme or milestone. All protected with end to end encryption. It's time for WhatsApp message privately with everyone.

[Ronny Chieng]

Learn [e-mail] ABC tonight, shifting gears is back. He has arisen. Tim Allen and Kat Dennings return in television's number one new comedy.

[Cristela Alonso]

What what?

[Ronny Chieng]

With a star studded premiere including Jenna Elfman, Nancy Travis and. Hey buddy. A big home improvement reunion.

[Donald Trump (impression or character)]

Welcome.

[Ronny Chieng]

Oh boy, that guy's a tool. Shifting Gears season premiere tonight, 8, 7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu. You're listening to Comedy Central from the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central. It's America's only source for news. This is the Daily show with your host, Ronnie. Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Mike Chang. We got so much to talk about tonight. P. Hegseth has his own battle of the bulge. The National Guard adds more tour dates. And I bet you 50 bucks gambling is going to destroy American society. So let's get into the headlines. Let's start with America's military, the Karen of the world. They just will not stay out of other countries business. And leading this military is Pete Hegseth, who you might think is the Secretary of Defense, but you'd be wrong. He's rebranded himself the Secretary of War. You know how cool guys always give themselves nicknames. And as as part of this military makeover last week, the secretary announced a surprise meeting tonight.

[Cristela Alonso]

In an unprecedented move, Secretary Pete Hegseth.

[Ronny Chieng]

Asking all US General officers and admirals.

[Cristela Alonso]

Around the world to gather at the US Marine base in Quantico, Virginia.

[Ronny Chieng]

A meeting of this size in person.

[Ricky Velez]

And on such short notice is extremely rare.

[Cristela Alonso]

It's going to also potentially be a security risk given the sheer number of military officials and how many are going to be gathered in one place at a time.

[Ronny Chieng]

Listen, we all do weird things when we're drunk, okay? Some of us slide into an ex's DMs and some of us call every US general to a maniac Quantico. But you know, I'm sure if the secretary is going to gather all the generals, some of them from active war zones, then he must have something very important he wants to tell them. It's tiring to look out at combat formations or really any formation and see fat troops. Likewise, it's Completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon. That's what you drag all these generals in for? To tell them they're fat. Couldn't you just leave some passive aggressive comments on their Instagram, like, hey, congrats, General, when are you due? I mean, this guy will text top secret war plans, but when it comes to body shaming, he's like, I want to see their fat faces when I tell them how fat their faces are. Look, I get the military needs to be fit, okay? But in defense of fat generals, they're kind of like coaches, right? Like, coaches don't need to be fit enough to play the sport. They just have to be fit enough to date a 24 year old. And. And also, there are some military positions you kinda don't want a fit soldier for. Like, I don't want a guy with six pack abs operating a drone. He clearly hasn't had enough time and experience sitting down like this with a controller. Just gonna. Okay, he's dead. But telling generals they have to get on Ozempic wasn't the whole speech. America's Secretary of War had more to say than that. No more beards, long hair, superficial individual expression. We're gonna cut our hair, shave our beards, and adhere to standards. Okay, you hear that, you goddamn hippie generals? No more beards. I'm looking at you, Admiral Lebowski. Now, according to P hegseth, America's military standards are now going to be indistinguishable from a Grinder profile. Okay? No fatties, no facial hair, and get those ladies the out of my sight. But it's all about a much larger project of dewokificationing. An entire generation of generals and admirals were told that they must parrot the insane fallacy that, quote, our diversity is our strength. They had to put out dizzying DEI and LGBTQI statements. No more identity months, DEI offices. Dudes in dresses. Yeah, you hear that, General Deltfire? Something very weird about that general. I just can't. I can't put my finger on it. Although, are we sure dudes wearing dresses doesn't work? Because the Taliban wore dresses and it kind of worked for them. You know what I mean? I don't know. Maybe the beards cancel out the dresses. Someone check the math on that. But this wasn't just a pep talk. Pete Hegseth, the Mother Secretary of War, also took the opportunity to bump his book sales on Amazon. You might say we're ending the war on warriors. I heard someone wrote a book about that. Yeah, and that someone was him. Say what you want about Henry Kissinger. I mean, at least he never used his position to sell his book, 101 War Crimes, to trial in Cambodia. But bottom line, a lot of people were worried that this event was going to show that Pete Hegseth had taken over the military, but it actually just showed how disconnected his MAGA rally energy is from their professional culture, especially this moment that he clearly thought was going to crush. Should our enemies choose foolishly to challenge us, they will be crushed by the violence, precision, and ferocity of the War Department. In other words, to our enemies. Fafo. If necessary, our troops can translate that for you. Wow. Not even the leaders of the US Military have ever seen a line bomb that hard before. It's just kind of. It's weird and some would say juvenile to use Internet slang in a speech to your adversaries. I mean, President Reagan was never like, Mr. Gobachev, I hawk tua spit on that wall. But basically, that was Pete Hegseth's speech. Fafo. And no one in the military is allowed to be fat, especially the leaders. Okay? It's a bad look. So next up to speak was the famously thin, health nut commander in chief Donald Trump. And. And even President Trump noticed how dead the room was.

[Donald Trump (impression or character)]

Fantastic job. I've never walked into a room so silent before.

[Ronny Chieng]

Wow, way to throw your opening act under the bus. Who was that le. Who was that loser? Huh? I thought alcoholics supposed to be fun. Well, if anyone can win a room back, it's President Trump who convinced these generals there was a good reason to pull them from their posts.

[Donald Trump (impression or character)]

I call it the N word.

[Ronny Chieng]

Oh, shit, he's coming in hot here. Is he. Is he gonna, like. Is he gonna say. Is he gonna say the thing.

[Cristela Alonso]

Is this about to happen?

[Ronny Chieng]

Is this it?

[Donald Trump (impression or character)]

The word nuclear? We can't let people throw around that word.

[Ronny Chieng]

Oh, okay. The N word is nuclear. Okay, but that's a weird way to say it since there's also kind of another word that we famously refer to as the N word.

[Donald Trump (impression or character)]

There are two N words, and you can't use either of them. Can't use either of them. And frankly, if it does get to use. We have. More than anybody else. We have better. We have newer.

[Ronny Chieng]

Wait, are we still talking about nuclear Or. Or the other one? I just want to make sure. Look, I'm sure the gathering of America's most decorated generals is loving this extended riff on the N word, but let's maybe wrap this up before it gets out of hand.

[Donald Trump (impression or character)]

San Francisco Chicago, New York, Los Angeles. They're very unsafe places. And we're going to straighten them out one by one. And this is going to be a major part for some of the people in this room. That's a war, too. It's a war from within. I told Pete we should use some of these dangerous cities as training grounds for our military. National Guard. But military. This is gonna be a big thing for the people in this room because it's the enemy from within, and we have to handle it before it gets out of control.

[Ronny Chieng]

Okay, okay, okay. You know what? Can we just go back to talking about the N word, okay? Because this.

[Cristela Alonso]

This is.

[Ronny Chieng]

This. This seems worse. So is that what this whole thing was about? Giving these generals the marching orders for war against American cities? That's some pretty dark and scary shit from the President and the Secretary of War. I mean. No, no. Start with no, not now. No shredding. Shredding for good stuff only, not bad stuff. Look, I've only officially been American for, like, a few hours now, but even. Even I know that using American cities as a training ground for the military is kind of messed up. And I don't think that's what American soldiers signed up to do. So if you're gonna rope them into your authoritarian fantasies, at the very least, you should at least change the recruitment ads.

[Comedy Sketch Voice]

Your great grandfather fought Hitler. Your grandfather fought the Communists. And now you'll be called upon to take on America's greatest enemy, Portland. If you're a tough young man with 0% body fat, the US army wants to shave you clean. Then we'll fly you to hostile lands like New York and Chicago, where you'll defend America from people who make fun of our President. Your pappy fought German Panzers. You'll fight this guy, that lady who.

[Ronny Chieng]

Won'T move her car.

[Comedy Sketch Voice]

And anyone with a nose ring, when history calls, you will send it to voicemail because you're shaving. While you wait for antifa, you'll keep busy by picking up trash, then clear out a homeless camp, another homeless camp, and then clear out the first one again. Then a quick cleanup, shave, and back to your post. Wait, did you get your neck? Quick shave. And we're back. Do you have what it takes to defeat hordes of demonic agents of chaos? Then join the Department of War today. Strength, honor, integrity, no fatties, because we want you. Shave that man.

[Ronny Chieng]

When we come back, Ricky Velez will give us his opinion so it don't go away.

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[Ronny Chieng]

Welcome back to the Daily Show. We all know I've got great opinions, but I'm not the only one. Studies show that other people also have opinions. So here with another installment of in my Opinion is our good friend Ricky Valle.

[Ricky Velez]

Las Vegas is loud, it's obnoxious, and it's much like our president. It might be dying right before our eyes.

[Cristela Alonso]

Tourism in Las Vegas is in a.

[Ricky Velez]

Big slump this summer, costing the city billions of dollars.

[Ronny Chieng]

Is Las Vegas dying or is it all hype?

[Cristela Alonso]

It is dying with visitors down 11% from last year. One factor, sky high prices.

[Ronny Chieng]

Prices are too high.

[Ricky Velez]

Almost everything in Las Vegas seems overpriced.

[Ronny Chieng]

Even a drink can drain your wallet. How much did you pay for this?

[Cristela Alonso]

$33.

[Ricky Velez]

$33? If I'm paying $33 for a drink, the rim better have cocaine on it. We love cocaine. Along with the high prices, the venereal diseases, there are more obvious reasons that Vegas is having trouble. It's because it's in everybody's pocket. Now.

[Cristela Alonso]

In 32 states plus D.C. placing a bet is now as simple as opening up an app on your phone. Last year, Laura, Americans spent 150 billion with a B dollars on legal sports gambling.

[Ronny Chieng]

24 hours a day, 7 days a week, you can bet on events all over the world, from football to table tennis.

[Ricky Velez]

Table tennis. I bet $100. Those players are both virgins. How about that? So we, we, we all know that gambling online has become an enormous business. And if you don't know that, just watch TV for two minutes. The ads are everywhere and some are getting really, really creepy.

[Comedy Sketch Voice]

The fanduel commercial paying tribute to the late Carl Weathers, who passed away 11 days ago.

[Ronny Chieng]

You gave us your all.

[Cristela Alonso]

Brock.

[Ricky Velez]

That commercial just had a moment of silence. Thank you for your service.

[Ronny Chieng]

Carl.

[Ricky Velez]

Use promo code. If he dies, he dies. For 500 match play. Of course, most people. There's downsides to being able to gamble on everything, everywhere, all at once.

[Ronny Chieng]

Young men are blowing their money like never before.

[Cristela Alonso]

Due to easy access to online gambling and sports betting.

[Ronny Chieng]

50% of men between the ages of 18 through 49 have a sports betting app. 60% of high schoolers have gambled within the last year. Boys love sports. Now it's all about betting. And so I think we're really destroying the boys.

[Ricky Velez]

Can we have one thing on the Internet that doesn't destroy the boys?

[Cristela Alonso]

No, seriously.

[Ronny Chieng]

No, no.

[Ricky Velez]

AI. Porn, Video games, gambling. And Theo Vaughn. Come on, what are we doing? The boys don't stand a chance. And sure am I bitter because I lost a ton of money during the US Open because sinner decided to shit the bed and not use his backhand. Y.

[Ronny Chieng]

No.

[Ricky Velez]

Have I been home since the US Opened?

[Ronny Chieng]

No.

[Ricky Velez]

Luckily, my gambling habits aren't as bad as they could be for others.

[Ronny Chieng]

When I say severe, I'm talking gambling.

[Ricky Velez]

Eight hours a day, compulsively betting, waking.

[Ronny Chieng]

Up, thinking about the bets that you placed the night before. I think we're going to see huge rates of bankruptcies, Huge rates of divorces.

[Ricky Velez]

Bankruptcies and divorce. My God. You're going to turn these children into the President of the United States of America.

[Ronny Chieng]

Not good. It's not good, Ronnie.

[Ricky Velez]

So since these gambling companies are leading us down a road filled with addiction, you would assume that our government would step in and put a stop to it. Nope. Ours is just taking a cut of action.

[Ronny Chieng]

A little known provision in the big beautiful bill has some gamblers upset.

[Cristela Alonso]

Budget law changes the rules about deducting gambling losses. So Instead of deducting 100%, the law limits lost deductions to 90% of winnings, which could leave gamblers paying taxes even when they lose. And they are furious.

[Ricky Velez]

Of course. The government has started taking a rake on gambling. Our president is a mob boss. If you're making money, he wants a piece of it. Same, apparently, if you have a private sex island. But.

[Ronny Chieng]

Do you want to vote?

[Ricky Velez]

If you ask me, our government does not need to be joining gambling and exploiting Americans. It needs to be stopping it. A government that cares about Americans would stop corporations from drowning people in gambling debt so we can go back to drowning them in health care debt like true patriots. But hey, that's just my opinion.

[Ronny Chieng]

Wikipedia, everyone, when we come back, we sell our arms when you join me on the show. So don't go away.

[Comedy Sketch Voice]

Limu Emu and Doug.

[Ronny Chieng]

Here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual.

[Donald Trump (impression or character)]

Fascinating.

[Ronny Chieng]

It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

[Ricky Velez]

Uh, Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us.

[Ronny Chieng]

Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty Liberty. Liberty.

[Commercial Narrator]

Liberty Savings Ferry Unwritten by Liberty Mutual.

[Ronny Chieng]

Insurance Company Affiliates excludes Massachusetts. Welcome back to the Daily Show. My guest tonight is a comedian whose new Netflix special is called Upper Classy. Please welcome Christela Alonso. No. They gave you a standing ovation. I know.

[Cristela Alonso]

How do I top that? Yeah, I'm a really good walker, apparently.

[Ronny Chieng]

No, you're great. So, third Netflix special.

[Ricky Velez]

Yes.

[Ronny Chieng]

How did you visually approach this one?

[Cristela Alonso]

You know, well, you know, you never know what you're gonna do. I started writing, and then the country happened, and then you realize that you have to say something because the country is happening.

[Ronny Chieng]

Sure. Yeah. I mean, I watched it. Super funny. It's great. I noticed your. I guess I, you know, I take it for granted that someone doing comedy for 10, 20 years, always gonna be great at comedy. So I always look for how they film it to make it a little different, to make it a special. And so I noticed you actually start in this quite an old school Chris Rock way where you're in the green room and then you walk out.

[Cristela Alonso]

The one shot.

[Ronny Chieng]

The one shot from the beginning. Yeah, yeah. So one shot. Yeah. And so what. What was your, you know, what were you thinking? Were you trying to pay on my show? You just like.

[Cristela Alonso]

Yes, I actually. I wanted to do it like the standup specials that I grew up watching.

[Ronny Chieng]

Yes.

[Cristela Alonso]

You know, and, you know, it used to be such a. The specials were special.

[Ronny Chieng]

Yes.

[Cristela Alonso]

It used to be this moment that you're like, this is the night. And I wanted to throw it back. And I'm a sneakers person. I wore heels on that show, and that hurt. I did that. Like, I did that. I did that. No, but I wanted to do a polish, you know, and I was actually. I was talking to Tom Poppins and I was telling him I wanted to go for like a Rita Rudner look.

[Ronny Chieng]

Yes.

[Cristela Alonso]

You know, and he's like, well, you're Latina. I'm like a Margarita Rudner.

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah. I mean, I think that's weird thing about comics is that we kind of value history more than Most people, all we want is to. All we read about is comedy history and trying to pay homage to that or live up to that or, you know, may we be so lucky to get praise from our peers who are of that generation. You know what I mean?

[Cristela Alonso]

Absolutely. You know, and one of the things, you know, like, for me, when Letterman was retiring, I got to do his show, like, in the last month. And that, to me, when you're a comic, the comedy nerd in you wants that moment because you remember that, like, when I was a kid, Carson was the one you wanted, and he retired when I was a teenager, and that hurt so much. I didn't even know I wanted to do standup, but I knew wanted to be on Carson.

[Ronny Chieng]

Right.

[Cristela Alonso]

Because that was a meter of what American was, you know?

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah. So same. So I feel like a lot of another way of putting it is like, I kind of came to this country because of the American comedy institutions.

[Cristela Alonso]

Yes.

[Ronny Chieng]

And these comedy institutions are kind of. They're not what they once were. But I kind of don't care.

[Cristela Alonso]

Me, too.

[Ronny Chieng]

I'm like, no, no, I wanted to. I don't care that network TV's dying. I love being on the Tonight Show.

[Cristela Alonso]

No, absolutely no.

[Ronny Chieng]

Because it's. For me. It's not even for anyone, you know.

[Cristela Alonso]

But honestly, like, when you think about it, even as a Latina.

[Ronny Chieng]

Sorry, that was unfair diss to the Tonight.

[Cristela Alonso]

They know what they did.

[Ronny Chieng]

You guys know what?

[Cristela Alonso]

They know what they did. No, but, you know, I love the comedy institutions. But what happens, too, is that as a Latina, as a part of a group that.

[Ronny Chieng]

Wait, you're not Filipino?

[Cristela Alonso]

I am during API month.

[Ronny Chieng]

Okay, okay.

[Cristela Alonso]

But, you know, it's like. No, but it's like. It's one of those things where, like, you realize that a lot of the comedy institutions didn't have people that look like you in them.

[Ronny Chieng]

Sure.

[Cristela Alonso]

So you actually. You get sad that they're no longer around, but you actually like the evolution that it becomes what it becomes into.

[Ronny Chieng]

No, totally. Look at me right here.

[Cristela Alonso]

That look amazing. It is amazing.

[Ronny Chieng]

I know. No, no, I'm not. No, it is.

[Cristela Alonso]

It's so. It's great.

[Ronny Chieng]

No, but that's my point. It's like. So when I do specials for me and tell me if that's what you're trying to do is like, I. Because I never saw Asians do comedy specials, I try to put myself in that. So when I film a special, I pay homage to these specials because I'm like, oh, well, I never saw someone come out, you know?

[Cristela Alonso]

Absolutely. Look, my mom was, like, undocumented when she got here. I'm a first generation Mexican American. I grew up in South Texas in a border town that had immigration rates during the 1980s. The immigration rates have existed for decades. So now, you know, it's like I do it. And I love to be personal because I think that being specific in your story actually makes it universal to so many people when they see the specifics in how you grew up. You realize that while I. While you might not be Latino, you know, while you might not be a woman, you actually relate to the way that I grew up. And that's the thing that we need to talk more of, is that, like, right now, the country is so divisive, but really, the more different we are, the more alike we are. So when I'm on stage, I don't care if people don't like me. What I care about is honoring the memory that my mom had left me and why she came to this country for me to have opportunities. I mean, right now, coming on stage, I was thinking, you're hosting the Daily show tonight. I am the daughter of immigrants. And for the next, like, five couple minutes, there's immigrant families. They're the stars of the Comedy Central, like, channel right now.

[Ronny Chieng]

I mean, that's a nice sentiment, but the data shows that not a Democrat. So it's mostly. I know it's mostly co star elites and white people, but anyway, that's a nice.

[Cristela Alonso]

Yeah, but I just want white people to feel like they're allies right now. So thank you for clapping.

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah, no, that is cool. I mean, and you mentioned your mom in this special, you know, and you talk about her. You want to talk a little bit about.

[Cristela Alonso]

Yeah. To me, one of the things that I think that I talked about in the special thematically was that what I learned from her was that she worked really hard. And that's part of the American dream that we get taught. We get taught that we have to work hard. And then after you work hard, you live life hard. And what I realized then, you get to enjoy life after you start work. Stop. You know, you work enough, but no one tells you how much work is enough. So then, like with my mom, she always wanted to go see a movie at a movie theater. She never did. She always told herself, no, I have to work first, and then go see a movie. And then she ended up passing away before she went to see a movie. And in that moment, I was my mom's caregiver when she passed. And I Was like she denied herself the most basic thing, cuz she didn't think she deserved it. Cuz that's what this country does. This country makes it seem like you need to work hard. Screw them, the corporations, they don't want to pay you a fair living wage. They want you to kill yourself because you need to work hard for them. So when does. When do you get to enjoy life? You have to enjoy life now. That's one thing I learned from my mom's passing. Especially nowadays, the biggest form of resistance that I believe in is joy. The people that hate you want to see you miserable. And you cannot let them do that. You need to show joy. If they hate you, you smile at them and you're like, I am so happy.

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah.

[Cristela Alonso]

And you do it like that, so violently.

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah, yeah. No, I love that. And I mean, you see, you said you grew up in Texas.

[Cristela Alonso]

I did.

[Ronny Chieng]

And you. I mean, you grew up like. I don't know if we could. You were like, squatting in diners.

[Cristela Alonso]

Yeah. For seven years of my life, my family squatted in an abandoned diner. My mom was a cook at a Mexican restaurant. Worked double shifts, got paid $150 a week for double shifts because she was undocumented. You know, that's what they do in this country with so many people. They exploit them for the labor. Right. And then that's the thing that we find ourselves now, right in the last election. Immigrants are the problem. Immigrants are the problem. Now you see Farmageddon, where they don't find anybody working the farms. But it's like. But you own the libs, right? Like, you own the libs. How does it feel to own the libs, knowing that now corporations are gonna come and own your farm?

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah, well, yeah, I guess so. I was. I was actually gonna take it somewhere positive. But I'm glad you went there. No, it's a valid point. I guess I was gonna ask you because you grew up in Texas.

[Cristela Alonso]

Yes.

[Ronny Chieng]

And I guess, you know, I guess us outside of Texas, we kind of have this stereotype of a majority of Texans and all that. Like, what are we getting wrong about the Texas. What are we missing here? What is it?

[Cristela Alonso]

You know, it's the fact that anyone aside from Texas. But I can speak about Texans, everybody wants the best, right? They want the opportunity. But the way that they were raised, especially in my neighborhood, we were raised very conservative, leaning towards. Because of our religion, you know? And what people don't understand is that we want the best. The way that we try to carry out the best Is a lot of times we go into it's blue collar families that I think, you know, one of the biggest problems we find is that especially in politics, we talk about the middle class a lot. And we use it as a blanket statement that middle class is just everyone, you know, but it's not because we actually don't talk about the lower class people, the people and the people like me that grew up in abject poverty, because the people in that kind of poverty, we vote too. And what we find is that we actually don't see ourselves as important. We actually see ourselves as invisible because people try to cater to the next economic status. So what they do is that people feel disillusioned, they feel defeated, you know, and I think that it's important to have more people talk to them specifically to let them know that they're part of this country rather than just middle and upper class, which is what they love to do.

[Ronny Chieng]

Sure, sure. But. And part of that, and part of that is people in that class you just described, they kind of have to come out and vote to show their power. They have to come and vote. It's so easy to be apathetic, but if you gotta come out and, and.

[Cristela Alonso]

Exert that and you know, I work with voter outreach in every election. I've been working with it for years. I just want people to vote. I don't even care how you vote. It's just if we're living in a sheer democracy, vote, man. The majority vote. It's not my fault I look good in red. But you know, it is, it's important to go make your voice heard. And there's so many people that say, well, my vote doesn't matter. Yes, it does. Every vote matters. And we have to teach people that we do.

[Ronny Chieng]

And I mean, you know, we're kind of preaching to the liberal elite choir here who just cheer any cliche we can say, you know, like. But like the Latino voting bloc is the largest growing MAGA voting bloc in the country. I mean, how do you kind of square those ideas of like these people who are immigrants themselves or their parents were immigrants or their grandparents were immigrants and they know what it was like and they know.

[Cristela Alonso]

Well, you know, what happened, especially where I'm from in South Texas, maga. And a lot of Republicans decided to go through the church. So they actually infiltrated churches. And that's how they got a lot of people to change their perspective because they thought, well, we can get them at church.

[Ronny Chieng]

And it worked.

[Cristela Alonso]

It did work. It did work. Because, you know, what is scarier than going against the teachings of God? You know? But anyway, we'll teach you what those teachings of God are in our language, you know, so for me, it's one of those things where people felt spoken to, people feel represented. And I think that, you know, I've always said that, you know, I'm on the left, but, you know, it's like, I love this country. I love this country. I'm a Catholic. I love God. I love family. I love everything that.

[Ronny Chieng]

No, there's no chairs for that. She won't want her welcome a bit with that.

[Cristela Alonso]

But I also like weed. I like weed.

[Ronny Chieng]

But it is, I think, the true God. I know. So what's the answer? The answer is what? Buddhism?

[Cristela Alonso]

No, the answer is to actually give more of a chance to people like me to come on, you know, to have these spaces where they can say, you know, how you love religion, you know how you love your family. You know how you love this country. I do, too. So how do we work together? And, you know, it's that thing where it's like, they sometimes need to hear that you love it in order for them to believe it. And so many of us assume that people believe that we love it, that they assume, well, you know, we love this country. No, they want you to. They want you to say it with some sparklers, wearing a US Flag sweater, you know, like, you know, listening to country music at an Applebee's or whatever. You know what I mean? But we do. We all want the same thing. We just need to be able to allow ourselves to have a difference of opinion at times, but only a difference of opinion that doesn't. That sees me as a human being still, you know, then we can actually have conversations.

[Ronny Chieng]

Well, you're very wise. You're very funny. Before we go, I just want to try. It's so funny you said you mentioned your mom. Because my mom is never in America. She's always in Singapore, and she's actually here tonight. She's over there.

[Donald Trump (impression or character)]

Over there.

[Ronny Chieng]

Mom. Hey, come up. Mom. Hey, Mom. Y' all come and say hi. Come and say hi to Cristela. Yeah, Come on. Say hi to Kristela. My mom's very shy. She's very shy. Yeah. Come on. It's okay. We'll play the crowd.

[Cristela Alonso]

Oh, my God.

[Ronny Chieng]

Hey, Ma. Thanks for coming out. Mama. Yeah.

[Cristela Alonso]

Oh, my God.

[Ronny Chieng]

She's never here.

[Cristela Alonso]

That's amazing.

[Ronny Chieng]

She's never here. I always. I will. I will never miss an opportunity to exploit my mother for likes on the Internet.

[Cristela Alonso]

That's what makes you American.

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah.

[Donald Trump (impression or character)]

Yeah.

[Ronny Chieng]

So I just want to say. Yeah, you talk about mom really touched me, and I just wanted to say she was here. She's never here, by the way. She's not here every show.

[Cristela Alonso]

That's amazing.

[Ronny Chieng]

She doesn't even live in this country, so.

[Cristela Alonso]

But look at this. This is what the American show is.

[Ronny Chieng]

I don't know why I'm seeing that.

[Cristela Alonso]

This is exactly what it is. It's amazing.

[Ronny Chieng]

Anyway, you're great, Christella. Thanks for being on the show. Thank you. This is Cristela, Upper class, you know, putting globally on Netflix. Christella Alonso, everybody. We're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back after your sausage McMuffin with egg didn't change your receipt, did the sausage McMuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5 only at McDonald's for a limited time.

[Commercial Narrator]

Prices and participation may vary.

[Ronny Chieng]

Hey, that's our show for the night. Now here it is, your moment of Zen.

[Donald Trump (impression or character)]

Walk nice and easy. You don't have to set any record. Be cool. Be cool when you walk down, but don't. Don't bop down the stairs. So one thing with Obama, I had zero respect for him as a president, but he would bop down those stairs. I've never seen that. He'd go down the stairs. Wouldn't. Hold on. I said it's great.

[Ronny Chieng]

Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at a 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus, this has been a Comedy Central podcast.