In the Field with Sam Bee

Summary

Summary of The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Episode: "In the Field with Samantha Bee"

Release Date: June 16, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of The Daily Show: Ears Edition, hosted collaboratively by iHeartPodcasts and Paramount Podcasts, the host navigates a series of satirical segments addressing contemporary social, political, and cultural issues. The episode blends sharp humor with exaggerated dialogues to highlight and critique various societal debates.

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1. Bullying and Tolerance: The Struggle of Christian Communities

The episode opens with a heated discussion on the advancements in gay rights juxtaposed against the purported suffering of Christian communities facing "bullying" for their beliefs.

• Samantha Bee (01:54) states, “If I say I support traditional marriage, I'm automatically called a bigot,” highlighting the tension between traditional values and modern societal changes.
• Matt Slick, a Christian commentator, echoes these sentiments (02:20), asserting, “Christians are getting bullied. The Christians that I talk to are intimidated.”
• The conversation intensifies as the host challenges Matt Slick’s claims, revealing personal anecdotes that flip the narrative:
  • Tom Yamas (04:49) clarifies, “It's because I'm gay,” revealing his own experience of being bullied for his sexual orientation, thereby juxtaposing the struggles of different marginalized groups.

This segment satirically critiques the narrative that minority groups are solely victims, while also poking fun at the perceived overstatements of oppression.

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2. Child Labor in Tobacco Farming: A Controversial Take

The show transitions to a mock interview with Oscar Simpson, an environmentalist opposing President Bush's plans to open public lands for gas and oil drilling, juxtaposed against the practice of child labor in tobacco farming.

• Comedy Central Host (06:55) sarcastically praises child labor: “Children as young as 7 are legally working in U.S. tobacco fields.”
• Christian Commentator (07:14) defends the practice, saying, “Children need to experience things, but not tobacco farming,” while the host exaggerates the hardships faced by these young workers.
• The host humorously downplays the dangers by mimicking the commentator’s assurances, ultimately mocking the justifications for child labor.

This segment lampoons the justification of unethical labor practices under the guise of tradition and hard work.

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3. Environmentalism vs. Oil and Gas Industry: A Mock Debate

A heated debate unfolds between environmentalists and proponents of the oil and gas industry, represented by Tom Yamas and Oscar Simpson.

• Tom Yamas (13:06) ironically claims, “Natural gas is a clean burning fuel. So if you're asking me, Is drilling for gas good for the environment? I tell you, absolutely it is.”
• The host sarcastically sarcastizes the industry's environmental claims, highlighting real-world environmental damages through exaggerated "victories" over wildlife.
• Oscar Simpson defends wildlife, while the host mocks both sides by portraying them as equally flawed and self-serving.

This segment satirizes the ongoing conflict between environmental conservation and industrial progress, emphasizing the often contradictory positions taken by both sides.

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4. Asian Representation in Adult Films: A Comedic Exposé

The episode delves into the lack of Asian representation in the adult film industry, featuring a fictional character Dr. Darrell Hamamoto, a professor advocating for equality.

• Tom Yamas (16:37) humorously remarks on the absence of Asian performers in mainstream porn, leading to an exaggerated and fictional discussion about racial disparities in adult entertainment.
• Comedy Central Host (17:14) interviews Rob Spallone, a porn producer who comically refuses to include Asian actors, further emphasizing the absurdity of racial stereotypes in media.
• The segment includes over-the-top dialogues about the types of scenes excluded, highlighting the ridiculousness of racial exclusion in a humorous light.

This portion uses satire to address and critique racial underrepresentation and the absurd stereotypes perpetuated within the adult entertainment industry.

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5. Privatizing Social Security: A Dark Comedy

The host explores President Bush's controversial plan to privatize Social Security, using dark humor to mock the proposal.

• Starr Parker (26:47) advocates for ending Social Security, leading to a satirical portrayal of a dystopian future where seniors face grim alternatives.
• Comedy Central Host (27:46) ridicules the plan by suggesting absurd scenarios, such as seniors being sponsored by corporations or being physically exhausted to the point of demise.
• The segment concludes with grotesque humor, depicting ineffective and cruel solutions to the Social Security crisis.

This segment uses dark comedy to critique policy proposals that could negatively impact vulnerable populations, emphasizing the potential human cost of austerity measures.

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6. Organic Gardens and Public Health: A Parody of Policy Critiques

Concluding the episode, the host satirizes the promotion of organic gardening in public spaces, particularly focusing on the Obama administration’s initiatives.

• Samantha Bee (30:37) suggests that organic gardens “should come with a warning label,” exaggerating the perceived impracticality and elitism of such policies.
• The host mocks the juxtaposition of organic gardening with detrimental health outcomes, absurdly linking healthy eating to increased cancer and obesity rates.
• Comedy Central Host (32:54) further ridicules the promotion of organic practices by blending it with exaggerated classroom scenarios, emphasizing the disconnect between policy intentions and practical outcomes.

This segment parodies the complexities and often controversial nature of promoting public health initiatives, highlighting the exaggerated fears and misunderstandings surrounding organic farming.

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Conclusion

The Daily Show: Ears Edition masterfully employs satire and exaggerated dialogues to critique and highlight various social, political, and cultural issues. Through humorous yet poignant segments, the episode invites listeners to reflect on the absurdities and contradictions within contemporary debates, all while maintaining an engaging and entertaining narrative flow.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Samantha Bee (01:54): “If I say I support traditional marriage, I'm automatically called a bigot.”
• Tom Yamas (04:49): “It's because I'm gay.”
• Comedy Central Host (06:55): “Children as young as 7 are legally working in U.S. tobacco fields.”
• Tom Yamas (13:06): “Natural gas is a clean burning fuel. So if you're asking me, Is drilling for gas good for the environment? I tell you, absolutely it is.”
• Tom Yamas (16:37): “Well, I came across this classic adult video called the World's Biggest Gang Bang.”
• Comedy Central Host (26:58): “What are you, a commie?”
• Tom Yamas (27:54): “Yes, I am a commie.”
• Samantha Bee (30:37): “I think the Obama garden would should come with a warning label.”

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This comprehensive summary captures the essence and key discussions of the episode "In the Field with Samantha Bee," providing a clear and engaging overview for those who haven't listened.

Transcript

[Podcast Host]

This is an iHeart podcast.

[Tom Yamas]

Taking over the helm of NBC Nightly News, a 75 year old broadcast, it's a great responsibility. Good evening, I'm Tom Yamas. You have to go out there to bring people at home. Closer to the store. Wildfires continue to be a threat. With that massive hurricane comes the massive response. The best reporters in our business know how to listen. And when you listen, you get the truth. For NBC News, NBC News, I'm Tom Galamas. That's what we do every night. NBC Nightly News with Tom yamas. Evenings on NBC. This episode is supported by FX's the Bear. The Emmy award winning series returns following Carmi, Sidney and Richie as they push forward, determined not only to survive, but also to take the Bear to the next level. This season, the pursuit of excellence isn't just about getting better. It's about deciding what's worth holding onto. FX is the Bear. All episodes streaming June 25th on Hulu. Are you still quoting 30 year old movies? Have you said cool beans in the past 90 days? Do you think Discover isn't widely accepted? If this sounds like you, you're stuck in the past. Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. And every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically earn cash back. Welcome to the now it pays to Discover. Learn [e-mail] credit card based on the February 2024 Nilsson report.

[Comedy Central Host]

You're listening to Comedy Central. Gay rights have made great strides with a majority of Americans now supporting same sex marriage. But there are still millions suffering from the sting of bigotry and bullying Christians.

[Christian Commentator]

It's open season to bully Christians and.

[Tom Yamas]

And all in the name of tolerance and diversity.

[Samantha Bee]

If I say I support traditional marriage, I'm automatically called a bigot.

[Comedy Central Host]

I'm called a homophobe.

[Tom Yamas]

We're getting to the point where these homo fascists are going to force us to wear on our sleeves some kind of identifying marker.

[Comedy Central Host]

And evangelical Christians like preacher Matt Slick have found themselves the victims of the most horrific bullying.

[Matt Slick]

Christians are getting bullied. The Christians that I talk to are intimidated. The they'll often get persecuted.

[Comedy Central Host]

For what?

[Matt Slick]

For just saying that they believe that homosexuality is wrong or that homosexuals are sinful. Just like adulterers, just like pedophiles, just like liars, just like thieves. I'm just informing them.

[Comedy Central Host]

Okay, so the homosexuals don't like that.

[Matt Slick]

That's right. They're not very tolerant.

[Comedy Central Host]

So, hey, jerks, be more tolerant of.

[Matt Slick]

Your intolerance of my religious orientation.

[Comedy Central Host]

But after spending an afternoon With Matt Christian coming through, I realized how tough it really isn. People wouldn't stop staring at us. Hey, watch out. I got a Christian, guys. Damn it. It was clear that intolerance toward Christians is a huge problem in his mind. And though there are countless actual examples of appalling intolerance against homosexuals, that's missing the real story.

[Matt Slick]

The reverse happens as well, where homosexuals go out and find straights to beat up.

[Comedy Central Host]

Really?

[Matt Slick]

Yeah.

[Comedy Central Host]

Are you sure about that?

[Matt Slick]

These kinds of events are not publicized very well. Why is this not being covered?

[Comedy Central Host]

Yes, why is this hypothetical violence not being covered or recorded or even occurring? Maybe it's because the figures are being hushed up by the homosexual industrial complex.

[Matt Slick]

Now, how come the homosexuals aren't defending us Christians with our right to be able to express ourselves?

[Comedy Central Host]

At what point has your right to express yourself been infringed upon?

[Matt Slick]

I don't know if it's going to happen, but I'm concerned about it. I have a radio show. I'm just concerned about any oppression that may come that people might say, matt, you can't say that on the radio, that homosexuality is a sin.

[Comedy Central Host]

It's like you can't even go on the radio anymore and condemn a whole subset of people to hell without getting some blowback.

[Matt Slick]

Well, when you put it that way, it does sound rather arrogant and myopic, Narrow minded and bigoted.

[Comedy Central Host]

Good. Then I've done my job. No wonder he's concerned about Christian oppression. There are so few places where they can safely congregate, apart from truck stops, airports, hospitals, inaugurations, the entire military, and also the other 330,000 churches that can be found in most major minor cities, townships, villages and commonwealths. It makes you fear for vulnerable young Christians like Todd Clayton.

[Tom Yamas]

I've been called names, been shunned from a community that I grew up in. Had to quit my job.

[Comedy Central Host]

And it's all because you're an outspoken Christian.

[Tom Yamas]

It's because I'm gay.

[Comedy Central Host]

I'm sorry, I thought you were Christian.

[Tom Yamas]

I'm also gay.

[Comedy Central Host]

So it was the gay part of you that was bullied, right?

[Tom Yamas]

Exactly.

[Comedy Central Host]

Okay, but as a Christian, you must admit that you need protection from people like you?

[Tom Yamas]

That's insane.

[Comedy Central Host]

This intolerant gay thug was just getting warmed up.

[Tom Yamas]

Evangelical Christians are not experiencing bullying. It's essentially a giant temper tantrum that they don't get to be in charge anymore and that they have to share their toys.

[Comedy Central Host]

Okay, I don't think the evangelical Christians want to play with your gay toys. There's not enough clorox in the world. Close minded gay agendists like Todd weren't willing to reach out to the other side the way Matt was.

[Matt Slick]

I've had homosexual friends, okay?

[Comedy Central Host]

Oh, that's so cool.

[Matt Slick]

I actually had a friend at the gym back in Southern California where he sat down next to me in a Jacuzzi and I knew right away he was gay.

[Comedy Central Host]

How did you know?

[Matt Slick]

I just knew. And we became friends for a year. And we're sitting in a car together after going dancing together and having fun and doing movies, and he says, I got something to tell you, okay? And he told me and I said, yeah, I knew. He goes, what do you mean?

[Tom Yamas]

You what?

[Comedy Central Host]

First of all, I met you in a Jacuzzi.

[Matt Slick]

In a Jacuzzi.

[Comedy Central Host]

And we constantly go dancing together.

[Matt Slick]

Yeah, I wasn't even it. You know, he had some friends anyway, he was bi.

[Comedy Central Host]

And so to all those evangelical Christians out there, be proud of who you are and who you want to condemn to eternal damnation. Someday the gay bullies may learn to accept you. I feel like if you ever got the chance to just know a real Christian by having a jacuzzi with them and maybe going dancing a few times with him, maybe you would change your opinion of Christians.

[Tom Yamas]

Sounds pretty gay.

[Comedy Central Host]

I guess the name calling may never end. Farming, it's the backbone of this country. But did you know it benefits workers of all sizes?

[Matt Slick]

Children as young as 7 are legally working in U.S. tobacco fields.

[Comedy Central Host]

Yes. According to a loophole in our agricultural labor laws, our hard working tykes are to pick as much tobacco as they want. And for Kentucky tobacco farmer and state senator Paul Hornbeck, it's the best thing for them.

[Christian Commentator]

It's long days, it's in the heat, it's out there in the sun. Some days it may be 100 degrees, but that's not bad. Got lots of places to get shade, to cool off, to rest for a little while.

[Comedy Central Host]

What would you say to people who say this market's too dangerous for 12 year olds?

[Christian Commentator]

Children need to experience things, but not tobacco farming.

[Comedy Central Host]

According to a new report by Human Rights Watch. And they're pushing for a law to ban the practice.

[Christian Commentator]

We don't need more laws on the books to try to protect everybody from everything that there is out there.

[Comedy Central Host]

Kids are tougher than we give them credit for.

[Christian Commentator]

That's exactly right. When I was a seven year old, I was wanting to work, I was wanting to do what the men were doing.

[Comedy Central Host]

He was right. Working on a family farm filled me with pride. And no one knows better than these three Tobacco pulling scamps who've enjoyed working on a different tobacco farm in North Carolina since they were 12. So tell me about your experiences working on the tobacco farms. I'll start you off. Your grandpappy wakes you up, you get a nice nutritious breakfast of farm fresh chicken eggs. Maybe the farmer's wife brings you a cool drink of lemonade to refresh you. No, definitely not.

[Podcast Host]

Definitely not. It's totally the opposite.

[Christian Commentator]

It's really nothing like that.

[Podcast Host]

No, we're not dope farmer's family. We're actually working for the farmer. And they don't even bring us water sometimes. They barely give us breaks.

[Christian Commentator]

All kids complain about work.

[Comedy Central Host]

Kids do complain a lot.

[Christian Commentator]

We're raising a society that's too soft.

[Comedy Central Host]

What I'm hearing from you is that American children are pussies.

[Christian Commentator]

They're soft.

[Comedy Central Host]

I appreciate that you won't say it, but just nod if you think America's children are pussies.

[Christian Commentator]

It's some of the hardest work that you could ever do, but we take the safeguards. You may see a 10 year old out there picking tobacco, but you won't see him there all day.

[Comedy Central Host]

I work 12 hours a day in the tobacco farm.

[Todd Clayton]

Or sometimes a little bit longer.

[Comedy Central Host]

Oh, and is that, is that typical?

[Podcast Host]

From the sun comes out to the sun comes down.

[Comedy Central Host]

How many shady naps did you get to take to refresh yourself? I have not taken any naps working. I just took a.

[Podcast Host]

It's like 100 something degrees.

[Comedy Central Host]

Something degrees outside and we're working. I'm sorry, I thought I was talking to some teenagers who took pride in their work. And the killjoys at Human Rights Watch don't want America's children experiencing the pleasure of tobacco which they are not yet legally allowed to purchase. A tobacco farm is no place for a child. You know what? My son is 16 years old and he still wears Velcro sneakers. I wish I could send him out in a tobacco field and let him do an honest day's work. But many of the children we talked to reported symptoms consistent with acute nicotine poisoning from handling tobacco plants. Nausea, vomiting, headaches, dizziness. Oh, come on, haven't we all felt dizzy and nauseous while at work? No, I don't get sick at work. And I maybe need to work a little harder. I'm constantly throwing up at my job.

[Podcast Host]

I used to get sick at least like three times every summer.

[Comedy Central Host]

Like sick with excitement.

[Podcast Host]

Throw up a headache. Seems like the world was revolving around my head. I felt like I was gonna die.

[Christian Commentator]

Acute nicotine Poisoning is really not that big a problem. It's no different from having a 24 hour virus where you have a stomach virus.

[Comedy Central Host]

It's like one cough or fainting spell or vomit attack and everyone starts freaking out.

[Christian Commentator]

That's right. You know, and we do things like wear the plastic garbage bags. We do those things to protect our help. And I furnish all that.

[Comedy Central Host]

See, our children are already pampered with the heftiest safety technology gladly provided by the farmers.

[Oscar Simpson]

Kirkland, the farmer does not bring us anything like that. We have to provide our own stuff.

[Podcast Host]

Yes, we have to buy ourselves gloves, bags.

[Comedy Central Host]

Okay, wow. You're making it very hard for me to ironically support child tobacco labor.

[Christian Commentator]

What will be next? Can they not work out in the heat? Then picking pumpkins? Can they not work out picking green beans?

[Comedy Central Host]

First they came for our child tobacco farmers and I said nothing because I had acute nicotine poisoning and was doubled over in pain. But lucky for Paul, tobacco work can still legally teach our children one invaluable lesson.

[Christian Commentator]

You never appreciate a good job till you've had a bad one.

[Comedy Central Host]

You're so right. Those children are gonna appreciate the out of their next job. President Bush wants to open up public lands like New Mexico's Otero Mesa for gas and oil drilling. Environmentalist Oscar Simpson finds this detestable.

[Oscar Simpson]

President Bush doesn't care about Otera Mesa. He basically has reversed all the regulations to protect the habitat and wildlife. He's going to allow oil and gas to pollute the area. It's going to wipe out the wildlife.

[Comedy Central Host]

And the wildlife like the antelope is dear to his heart.

[Oscar Simpson]

Antelope are a very majestic animal. It's something to behold and basically admire. If they're standing still and they're in a short distance, they're pretty easy to shoot.

[Comedy Central Host]

That's right. He's a hunter and an environmentalist. Won't people just say it's all so predictable? Aren't you just another one of those gun toting, NRA supporting, pickup truck driving, cracker ass anti bush people?

[Oscar Simpson]

We're true green conservationists and we want the wildlife and habitat protected.

[Comedy Central Host]

But the oil and gas companies say they're the true green conservationists. Do you consider yourself an environmentalist?

[Tom Yamas]

Yes, I do consider myself an environmentalist. Just like I consider overwhelming majority of the men and women in the oil and gas industry as environmentalists.

[Comedy Central Host]

So you're just another one of those tree hugging, wildlife loving, nature appreciating oil and gas executives.

[Tom Yamas]

You have to understand natural gas is a clean burning fuel. So if you're asking me, Is drilling for gas good for the environment? I tell you, absolutely it is.

[Comedy Central Host]

Just how good is gas drilling for the environment? Ask Tweedie Blansett, who allowed gas drilling on her ranch.

[Tom Yamas]

The oil and gas company allow contaminant.

[Comedy Central Host]

Spills on our ranch. We have found dead elk, dead mule deer, dead coyotes. Is your ranch anywhere near the Hidden Valley? I'm sorry, I don't know where the Hidden Valley is. The Hidden Valley Ranch. Hidden Valley Ranch It's a classic conflict. Two environmentalist groups pitted against each other to see who gets to kill the animals. The hunter's methods and tools seem a little antiquated.

[Oscar Simpson]

Hunting equipment may include my bow, or if I'm usually hunting with a rifle, maybe my rifle.

[Comedy Central Host]

But the gas company's techniques are truly visionary.

[Tom Yamas]

There have been situations where excess or used drilling muds moved into a water stream.

[Comedy Central Host]

Tell me more.

[Tom Yamas]

We have had incidents of where cows have drank some of the liquid. And we've had cows die.

[Comedy Central Host]

Very clever. It's all part of the industry's plan to use every part of the animal. First, cows drink contaminated water. They die and decompose. After millions of years of fossilization and breakdown of carbons, they become fuel, which, when extracted, contaminates more water. And the circle of life continues. Clearly, the oil and gas industry is more efficient at killing animals than the hunter. Have you considered contaminating the groundwater in your hunt?

[Oscar Simpson]

No, I don't think so.

[Comedy Central Host]

But are the gas companies too efficient? When you disrupt the delicate balance of nature, some. Some breeds of animals become endangered.

[Oscar Simpson]

Hunters could become endangered species. If there's no huntable wildlife, then there's no hunting, therefore no hunters.

[Comedy Central Host]

Yes, the hunter could go the way of the dodo. It's so rare to see one of you up close outside your natural habitat. May I touch you?

[Oscar Simpson]

If you would like.

[Comedy Central Host]

You're so majestic. Oh, I'd like to shoot you. That's the last time I touched a hunter. But it wasn't the last time a hunter touched me. From business to politics to sports, Asian men have risen to the top of nearly every profession. But sadly, some doors remain closed to them. And this troubles Dr. Darrell Hamamoto, professor of Asian American Studies at the University of California, Davis.

[Tom Yamas]

There are no Asian American men in Mexico. Mainstream pornho.

[Comedy Central Host]

He published his findings in a respected academic journal, and he substantiated his work with significant scholarly research.

[Tom Yamas]

Well, I came across this classic adult video called the World's Biggest Gang Bang. And I looked at it very closely. I think it runs over three and a half hours, and I came across not a single Asian American performer.

[Comedy Central Host]

That's appalling.

[Tom Yamas]

They were allowed in. It would indicate that Asian Americans, at last, after 150 years, are reaching a level of equality that other groups have attained.

[Comedy Central Host]

Dr. Hamamoto has a dream that one day Asian men will be judged not by the color of their skin, but by the character of their penises. Sadly, Professor Hamamoto's dream may never be realized because of men. Men like this. Rob Spallone, the visionary producer of the Sopornos 1 through 8. Mr. Spallone, why don't you have any Asian men in your movies?

[Tom Yamas]

Um.

[Todd Clayton]

I don't know any Asian porn actors.

[Comedy Central Host]

Would you say that your films are multicultural?

[Todd Clayton]

Yeah. I mean, anybody can watch them by ethnicity.

[Comedy Central Host]

What kinds of actors and actresses do you cast in your films?

[Todd Clayton]

Swirl Fest is lesbian, black, and white. I have a series called My White Tight Ass, which is black guys, white girls, all anal, trying to do the world's smallest gang bang, trying to get 15, 20 midgets. If I get 15, 20 midgets, then I'll shoot them.

[Comedy Central Host]

But no Asian men.

[Todd Clayton]

Listen, I have nothing against anybody. I'll shoot anybody that comes in unless the company I'm shooting for tells me no.

[Comedy Central Host]

Are you telling me that people will not pay to see Asian men getting a rusty trombone? Snorting the camel, or icing the puck?

[Todd Clayton]

Snorting the camel. I never heard of that.

[Comedy Central Host]

Snorting the camel. You know, the girl's on top. The guy's got his toe and her.

[Todd Clayton]

Oh, yeah, I've seen girls stick their whole fists.

[Comedy Central Host]

Let's move on. Yes, let's move on. And not forget the real victims of this discrimination, Asian American actors. What are some of the roles you've gotten?

[Matt Slick]

Currently, I'm playing a minister on the Young and the Restless. And of course, I most identified as Captain Sulu from Star Trek.

[Comedy Central Host]

But he still hasn't been able to break into the adult film business. In the last few months, Young Wet Bitches and Crackerjack 5 have gone into production. Did you get any calls for these projects? Young what? Young Wet Bitches, Young Wet Bitches and Crackerjack five have gone into production. Did you get any calls for these pictures?

[Matt Slick]

Cracker Jack 5 and Young Wet Bitches. Oh, no. I have never auditioned for porno film.

[Comedy Central Host]

Just didn't seem worth it, did it? I mean, why bother knocking on a door that you know is locked? Doesn't it sicken you that in the year 2003, we haven't moved beyond this?

[Tom Yamas]

Beyond what?

[Todd Clayton]

The Asian guy thing, I don't give a. I don't care about anything.

[Comedy Central Host]

So it's someone else's problem. It ain't mine, but it's a problem Professor Hamamoto is doing something about.

[Tom Yamas]

I've made my own all Asian American adults film. I wrote a very compelling storyline to bring the film together.

[Matt Slick]

Come on in.

[Comedy Central Host]

You look beautiful. Thank you. Oh, my God. Why has it taken so long for someone to make this movie?

[Tom Yamas]

No one really had the vision until I came along.

[Todd Clayton]

It's the worst piece of I ever seen. What does Professor Hanumano think he's gonna do with this thing?

[Comedy Central Host]

Sell it all over the world?

[Todd Clayton]

He better off taking it and sticking it up his ass.

[Comedy Central Host]

We showed your film to a preeminent producer of porn, and he seems to feel that your film is substandard.

[Tom Yamas]

He's trying to protect his own interests, which is probably the interest of, you know, the white business world, I guess.

[Todd Clayton]

I don't give a. Tell Professor Hamamoto if he can get me the guys, these Asian guys that he's talking about that can't work in the porno business to call me, I'll shoot them.

[Comedy Central Host]

Finally, there may be hope. Captain Sulu, do you think a day will come when your sons or grandsons will be accepted in this country as porn actors?

[Matt Slick]

As porn actors.

[Comedy Central Host]

It's almost too much to wish for.

[Matt Slick]

One issue that figures to play a divisive part in the campaign is, of course, gay marriage. And you can see the president has said he's against it, while Senator Kerry has said he's against it. Well, tonight, Samantha Bee goes in depth on the real consequences of gay marriage.

[Comedy Central Host]

The effects of gay marriage are being felt across the country in ways we could have never imagined just a few months ago. One of the most alarming developments is happening in New York City at the Central Park Zoo.

[Tom Yamas]

We have penguins that have formed a very strong pair bond, and they are.

[Comedy Central Host]

The same sex gay penguins.

[Tom Yamas]

It's very, very common in all zoos and again, in nature to see homosexual behavior.

[Comedy Central Host]

Just because it happens in nature does not make it natural.

[Tom Yamas]

I think by definition, it actually does.

[Comedy Central Host]

And apparently, apparently some of these gay penguins are in long term relationships. Roy and Silo have been together for five years. How many gay penguins do you actually have?

[Tom Yamas]

Three pairs that are same sex. One female female pair among the gentoo penguins and two male male pairs among the chinstraps.

[Comedy Central Host]

So two of your Gentoo penguins and four of your strap on penguins are.

[Tom Yamas]

Gay or chinstrap penguins.

[Comedy Central Host]

That's What I said, you said strap on. How many gay penguins did you have two weeks ago before the gay marriage boom?

[Tom Yamas]

Well, I don't think gay marriage has anything to do with our penguins.

[Comedy Central Host]

But according to Dr. Paul Cameron of the Family Research Institute, the gay penguins have everything to do with gay marriage.

[Oscar Simpson]

There is no such thing as gay gay penguins. This is just propaganda. If you can believe that these are gay penguins, you're buying the gay agenda.

[Comedy Central Host]

When children see these feather dusters, these flightless felchers, these chum guzzlers, what message does it send to them?

[Oscar Simpson]

When you have gay penguins and you tell the kids this, you're saying to them homosexual. Homosexual activity is everywhere, even among penguins. You could even get homosexually married. It's all okay, whatever you want to do.

[Comedy Central Host]

And using penguins to further the gay agenda is ingenious. Penguins are already dressed in tuxedos, just like grooms. So if kids believe that penguins can be gay, then so can grooms. And then what's to stop groom and penguin marriages? We don't want to turn our children into ass clowns. No, we don't want to turn them.

[Oscar Simpson]

Into any kind of animals. We want our children to be well socialized Americans.

[Comedy Central Host]

Yet the Central Park Zoo seems hell bent on destroying America's children. We've got a chilled buffet of bird buggery. What are you doing to stop the spread of unnatural love outside inside the penguin house?

[Tom Yamas]

We have actually done nothing about that. Here at Central Park Zoo. We have observed same sex behavior among the seals and also some of the primates. Including the snow monkeys.

[Comedy Central Host]

Yeah, don't feed them. But it's okay to validate their deviant lifestyle.

[Oscar Simpson]

Are there such things as homosexual animals? Boy, I don't think so.

[Comedy Central Host]

Then how do you explain Chip and Dale? Garfield. Look how baby Garfield is here.

[Oscar Simpson]

What about Garfield?

[Comedy Central Host]

He's a confirmed bachelor. He's picky about his food. He doesn't like to get his feet wet.

[Oscar Simpson]

Well, he certainly sounds like a candidate.

[Comedy Central Host]

But to prove there's no such thing as a gay penguin, he took me to the zoo.

[Oscar Simpson]

These birds are not gay.

[Comedy Central Host]

They appear to put a lot of attention into their personal grooming. That's something that gays do.

[Oscar Simpson]

Our children should not be taught such a silly thing as that. There are quote unquote gay penguins or lesbian penguins.

[Comedy Central Host]

Okay, I'm with you on the male penguin sex. Deviant and disgusting, but girl on girl penguin sex, that is hot. Dr. Cameron could deny it all he wanted, but there was no denying who these penguins were. Now that President Bush's foreign policy has been a complete success and the world is peaceful and poverty free. He's setting his sights on America's most critical domestic issue. Privatizing Social Security. Now's the time to act. In 2042, the system will be broke, and the president is worried that in 2042, seniors will have a hard time getting their checks from the ruthless cyborgs that control the Earth. Star Parker of CURE thinks she knows what to do with Social Security.

[Podcast Host]

End it. Social Security should die.

[Comedy Central Host]

Do we owe our senior citizens anything, really?

[Podcast Host]

I think it's time that American people say, no, we don't owe you anything. I'm very generous to elderly, but do I want the government taking half my check and sending it to them in the mail?

[Comedy Central Host]

No. Starr is tired of handing out cash to people who just blow it all on medicine and food. She believes the private sector is the answer, not government.

[Podcast Host]

The beautiful thing about the market is it adjusts to this to anywhere there's a need.

[Comedy Central Host]

What if corporations got to sponsor old people? It'd be like, hey, there's FedEx Mr. Johnson. Or oh, look, it's Cinnabon Max Goldberg. And it would be so great because he'd get to wear a huge cinnamon bun costume, and that would also keep him warm. But does Starr's plan really keep seniors best interests at heart? Many would argue that those most in need will be overlooked. Jarvis Tyner thinks the elderly don't get enough benefits.

[Tom Yamas]

The truth is that seniors can barely make it on what they get. Right now. We should be really increasing the benefits from Social Security.

[Comedy Central Host]

What are you, a commie?

[Tom Yamas]

Yes, I am a commie.

[Comedy Central Host]

Oh. What else would you do?

[Christian Commentator]

We should wipe out poverty, end racism.

[Tom Yamas]

And inequality towards women.

[Comedy Central Host]

Would you like to buy the world a Coke?

[Tom Yamas]

We're boycotting Coke because of their activities down in Columbia.

[Comedy Central Host]

Okay, lighten up, Jarvis.

[Tom Yamas]

Holy.

[Comedy Central Host]

But while Jarvis boycott of Coke is working, his plan for Social Security will not. Hello. Christ. But if we scrap benefits, how do we break it to the most vulnerable of our seniors? Let's do a little role play. I'll play an elderly person, and you tell me why you're ending my benefits.

[Podcast Host]

I have some good news and bad news. The good news.

[Comedy Central Host]

What?

[Podcast Host]

We were going to be sending you $1,400.

[Comedy Central Host]

Hello?

[Podcast Host]

The $1,400 a month that we said we were gonna.

[Comedy Central Host]

Hold on a second here. Hello.

[Podcast Host]

I'm from the IRS and I have some news for you.

[Comedy Central Host]

I watch you every day on the View, and I think you're a hoot. There is One other option for solving the Social Security dilemma.

[Tom Yamas]

My name is John Daugherty and I'm the director of the Empire State Senior Games.

[Comedy Central Host]

John's plan is to kill off the elderly by physically exhausting them.

[Tom Yamas]

We have archery, we have basketball, track and field events. There's discus, there's a shot put, triathlon. More and more people are getting hooked on it.

[Comedy Central Host]

That's the best part of your plan, that they believe it's going to be good for them. The few that survive the athletics meet their demise in the dance chamber. What do you do with the seniors after they're finished?

[Tom Yamas]

After they're finished.

[Comedy Central Host]

You know what I mean. There are many ways to fix Social Security. Perhaps we would be wise to ask seniors themselves what they think. Well, I think for the Daily Show, I'm Samantha Bee. First ladies, they traditionally promote uncontroversial causes like literacy, just saying no to drugs and rehab. But every once in a while, a first lady goes rogue. Michelle Obama broke ground for an organic garden today. This seemingly harmless 20 by 50 foot token gesture has created a firestorm for Jeff Steyer of the American Council on Science and Health.

[Samantha Bee]

I think the Obama garden would be should come with a warning label.

[Comedy Central Host]

Why?

[Samantha Bee]

It's irresponsible to tell people that you have to eat organic and locally grown food. Not everyone can afford that. That's a serious public health concern.

[Comedy Central Host]

Okay, I don't follow.

[Samantha Bee]

People are going to eat fewer fruits and vegetables. Cancer rates will go up, obesity rates will go up. I think if we decide we're only going to eat locally grown food, we're going to have a lot of starvation.

[Comedy Central Host]

That's right. The White House garden is the rare public health threat that can simultaneously cause starvation and obesity and cancer. On a scale of 5 year olds who smoke to 14 year olds having unprotected anal sex, where does this fit in?

[Samantha Bee]

I would say there aren't a lot of five year olds smoking.

[Comedy Central Host]

There are a lot of 14 year olds who think they're preserving their virginity by going in the back door.

[Samantha Bee]

Which is why I think it falls somewhere between those two.

[Comedy Central Host]

But it may already be too late. Programs like the Edible Schoolyard are already sowing the seeds of starvation, obesity and teen ass play.

[Samantha Bee]

It's elitist to tell people you need to be eating organic foods.

[Comedy Central Host]

Those snooty Obamas.

[Samantha Bee]

If you have a White House garden, you can have a healthy salad too. In the summer months.

[Comedy Central Host]

Where's my White House? My garden.

[Samantha Bee]

Right. Organic limousine liberals.

[Comedy Central Host]

Bunch of your expensive ass food and a chef. The Obamas might just as well have planted abortion trees. And it's limousine liberals like Ann Cooper who are bringing this elitist message to over privileged children. What I'm promoting is the farthest thing from elitism. I'm promoting a world where every child, rich or poor, gets a healthy meal. That sounds pretty elite to me. The Obama organic garden brings really a lot of optimism to the way I feel about. I wear a top hat and a monocle and I teach about nutrition. You should look at. Thank you. That was an impression of you. In case you didn't notice. Fortunately, the American Council on Science and Health has figured out a way to undo the harm done by this garden.

[Samantha Bee]

If the Obamas wanted to send a responsible message, they would use pesticides, teaching kids how to be more efficient and how to properly used chemicals to get more produce in your land.

[Comedy Central Host]

But the ACSH and the concerned folks that fund them like ConAgra, Monsanto, Dupont, Union Carbide, Dow and ADM can't take on big local garden alone. Educators need to teach that while chemicals can sometimes be harmful, organic gardening is always harmful. Hi, kids. I'm Farmer Sam. I always. Now, what do you think is better, nature or chemicals?

[Tom Yamas]

Nature.

[Comedy Central Host]

Mm. Nature wants to kill you. All they needed was to hear the facts. You fertilize an organic garden with cow plops. Ew. Let's talk about some of the things that we find in the chemical world, shall we? I believe the children are future. Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness. What? Ipods. I love ipods. Has anyone here. Yeah, you really want to balance your chlorothalanol with your atrazine and your alaklor. The best thing about chemicals is you never know what they might do to you. Some of them might make you sick, but some of them also might make you invisible or make you fly. It was clear that with very little knowledge and a whole lot of pesticides, Jeff Steyer's dream of an organic, free world might someday be realized.

[Tom Yamas]

Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount.

[Samantha Bee]

Plus.

[Comedy Central Host]

This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

[Podcast Host]

This is an I heart podcast.