Transcript
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You're listening to Comedy Central from the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central. It's America's only source for news. This is the Daily show with your host, John Stewart.
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Hi, everybody. Welcome. My name is Jon Stewart. Let me tell you, we got a fantastic show for you tonight. We're going to do our program. Later on in the program, we're going to be talking to comedian, writer, director, auteur Mo Amer. That's coming up in a bit. Very excited about that. But first, if I could have just a moment of your time. Let's talk about America's lord and savior, Donald Jehoshapheffer Trump. They're not booing. They're saying Bruce for no apparent reason. When Trump ran for president, he had an urgent message about the state of our country. Our country is being lost. We're a failing nation. We are a nation in decline. We have to fight for our country, and we have to fight like we've never fought before. It's like we're a giant garbage can. How dare you. If anything, America is a recycling bin.
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America.
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Useless and made almost entirely of plastic. But that's it. We have to fight to save our country. And now Daddy's home and he's about to take out the trash. And two weeks into the Trump presidency, we have a better sense of the evil and powerful forces that have been dragging our once great nation into decline. The Trump administration removed transgender references from federal government websites.
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It now reads LGBT instead of lgbt.
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They have no idea the damage T was doing to our nation. Consonants. Because I think you'll agree with me, there is no T in usa if you spell it out, obviously that becomes an issue. And if you want a BLT for lunch, things can get ugly. But nothing will stop America's low tea like no tea. What other changes are making us great again? The Trump administration ordering all gender ideology references be removed, including pronouns and email signatures. Oh, yeah. Consonants and pronouns, your next prepositions. No more pronouns and email signatures. Good luck signing your emails now. President Xi. Or should I say President him? Those are just the actions that this president has taken to prove that he's still kind of a dick. But believe me, he hasn't taken his eye off of America's true nation state enemies. President Trump is reiterating his threat to, quote, take back the Panama Canal. Trump suggesting he could use military force to take Greenland. President Trump had a fiery phone call with Denmark's prime minister, putting the NATO ally in crisis mode. Denmark, Panama, Greenland, the axis of where are now? Lest you think that pronouns and Panama were the twin forces shackling America to a prison of national decay. There are also more powerful forces at play in this dangerous world, some of them closer than what you might have ever imagined. A new era of trade wars. Trump says tariffs are coming on Canada and Mexico and even the European Union. What is happening? The eu, Canada. Do we have any friends? I mean, Mexico. I get Trump's been hate Mexico pretty much since the escalator. That's the truth. But Canada cannot, huh? We're picking a fight with our most reliable and pleasant friend, the Labradoodle of allies. But I guess that's Trump tough, you know what I mean? You gotta walk into the prison yard, walk right up to the one guy who really doesn't seem to be a problem at all, and just, yeah, take that best friend who has willingly signed up to fight in every ridiculous war we've ever gotten into. Let that be a lesson to the rest of the world. We are a terrible friend. Denmark, Panama and Canada are America. We used to fight the Nazis. Now we're scouring the globe for Easy March. What do we laugh? The Jake Paul of nations. I know. Is that what we're doing? No offense. I know China's out there, but Panama's a legitimate fight. In fact, I'm gonna call everyone out in FIFA's CONCACAF division. Yeah. Oh, Trinidad and Tobago, you gotta gang up, huh? That. Honestly, like, I can't believe you laughed at a CONCACAF joke. Soccer is back, bab. Oh, look at me getting all skewed in the tie. Now, in Trump's defense, he did explain today why we're going after Canada. I mean, I look at some of the deals made, I say, who the hell made these deals are so bad. So bad. The trade deals with Canada, they're so bad. He's just looking and saying, who made these? Ladies and gentlemen, don't. Don't get ahead of me. Ladies and gentlemen, for your dining and dancing pleasure, come with me into the wayback machine to 2018. I give you the culprit of the terrible deal with Canada. This morning, President Trump signed a new trade deal to replace NAFTA with the leaders of Mexico and Canada. The best trade deal they say ever made. No. A deal done by Trump's greatest nemesis. Trump. Now, hold on. This trade war has awoken a sleeping giant. Not Canada, not Mexico. But the Democratic minority Senate leader. Release the Schumer. It's going to affect beer. Okay? Most of it. Corona here comes from Mexico. It's going to affect your guac, because what Is guacamole made of avocados? Your response to the trade war is to tell us guacamole is made of avocados. Is that what when the people found out. When the people find out. The precious super bowl dip is comprised of mainly avocado, also tomato, sometimes onion. It's a bit much for me, obviously, with the spilkes and. Excuse me one second, Democrats, can you please stop trotting Schumer out there every time Trump traverses into the unreal. He's not good at this. What is the decision making process here? Hey, who should we get out there to effectively battle one of the most savvy presidential media manipulators in history? I don't know. How about Schumer? He's uninteresting, but at least he's monotone. Oh, wait, and Chuck, before you go out there, you look too young. Put on these readers and lower them on your nose. Perfect. Honestly, listening to Chuck Schumer speak on almost any topic makes me want to bomb Canada. Kidding, of course. By the way, we have a couple of Canadians here from Montreal and I don't want to upset them because I'm going to need an apartment soon. Now, before we, now before we get rattled by Trump's two to two and a half front trade war, please understand Mexico has already today received a 30 day stay on tariffs by promising 10,000 troops to the border. And we've promised to stop the inflow of guns. So self invented, crisis averted. But what can Canada do? I'm sure there's an equally performative gesture Canada could make. What? I'd like to see Canada become our 51st state, Mexico, you just send a few troops to the border, but Canada, if you could, I don't know, cease to exist as an independent entity. Fair. What's that? Mexico? No, no, there's only 51 states. There's no 50 seconds. I'm sorry, hold on one sec. Washington D.C. go. All right. What's that? Puerto Rico? No, it's Canada. I think you know why. I think you know why. Canada. All right. Of course. By the way, since we even were writing this show at like 4pm, Trump has already said now he's going to pause the tariff war with Canada as well because of course it makes sense to wrap up the trade war right now so that we as a country can focus on the biggest thing that's weakening our great nation. Diversity, equity and inclusion. Yes, dei, diversity, equity and inclusion. MAGA worlds blamed this scourge for everything from the fires in California to the attack on Bourbon street, to inflation, to the Baltimore bridge collapse. To why your children are confused about the race of mermaids. Mermaids, boys and girls are gingers. They've always been that. The latest example being the plane crash in Washington. It was the DEI est. But don't take my word for it. Let's let MTV's Road Rules star and Fox and Friends B teamer explain dei. You can't focus on diversity, equity and inclusion when you try to hire air traffic controllers. You want the best. You want the brightest, protecting yourself and your family. We will have the best and brightest in every position possible. It is colorblind and merit based. Look, there's a lot of reasons why the FAA is in a bad place, but these guys would have you believe that the main problem is that standards were somehow lowered to make sure that a black person or a gay person gets a chance to land your plane. Even though the requirements to become an air traffic controller are the same. But by culture warring this tragedy, Americans spent that terrible night holding their breath that the pilot or the air traffic controller wouldn't be a woman or a black person or in a wheelchair. Because what they're trying to do is make the default setting on competence in America a white guy. That's what this is, a reset to the factory default. Because of course these two are there purely based on merit and smart and it's just taken for granted. It undercuts every black person, person of color, woman in this country that the job that they have, they don't deserve. It's, it's the mantra in the Republican Party that gives you brain turning moments like this in the United States of America we get ahead and succeed by merit and merit alone. Yes, merit and merit alone says RNC chairwoman Lara. Hold on, let me get my glasses. Trump. It was a blind submission. Never saw her name on the application. That's the irony of this whole thing. The people standing next to Trump on that terrible night blaming DEI and trying to reinstall white guys as the only non suspect pool of hires are themselves DEI hires for one particular identity that they possess the ass kisser. The President's leadership has been remarkable during this crisis. Mr. President, you make our jobs a lot easier. I want to echo what the Transportation Secretary said about your leadership. Thank you for your leadership and courage on. I think you make a really important point on that, Mr. President. The President is right. And again, I want to thank you for your leadership, Mr. President. Dei sucking ego inflation. Obviously, if you think of sucking as a compound work but you can gaslight us all you want, because the one thing you didn't count on is our secret weapon. The roots of democracy are deep. People are aroused. I haven't seen people so aroused in a very, very long time. In terms of going. Trying to get this aroused. For more on DEI and what it's going to do to our country, let's go live to the White House correspondent Josh Johnson. Josh, nice to see you, sir. Let me ask you. I know this is an important subject to you. Josh, what are you hearing about the DEI initiatives? John, what this administration is doing is dangerous. It is the perversion of the dream of Martin Luther King Jr. They've turned it into a nightmare where the content of a. Of a person's character is judged by the color judge by the color of their skin. From the White House, I'm Desi Lydic. Wait, what's going on? I'm sorry, Desi. This is. This is Josh's. Hmm. Oh, you guys didn't get the executive order? We can't do DEI anymore. You're replacing me. But you're a woman. Yeah, a white woman. White woman beats black guy. Look, white women don't make the rules. We just tacitly embrace them through our overwhelming support of Donald Trump as a voting bloc. We should be on the same side. Okay? White women, black men, both held down by the white man. Yes, but the white man is my husband, and sometimes he lets me have rights as a treat. And I love my little treats. I'm sorry, Desi, but what about the executive orders Changes our current situation? Well, the fact is that DEI is over, John, which means only the most competent people will. Hoisted with my own petard.