Jon Stewart on Israel and Iran Going to War, Minnesota Murders & MAGA’s Blame Game | John Mulaney

Summary

Summary of "Jon Stewart on Israel and Iran Going to War, Minnesota Murders & MAGA’s Blame Game | John Mulaney"

Release Date: June 17, 2025
Podcast: The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Hosts: Jon Stewart and John Mulaney
Duration: Approximately 50 minutes

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1. Introduction and Overview

The episode begins with Jon Stewart introducing the show and expressing anticipation for the guest, John Mulaney, fresh off his hit Netflix show, Squid Game First. Stewart sets a humorous tone by referencing recent disappointing events and transitions into the main topics for the evening.

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2. North Korea's Military Parade

Discussion Points:

• Jon Stewart critiques the perceived hyperbole surrounding North Korea's military parade, contrasting media portrayals with the event's actual execution.
• Emphasizes the disparity between grandiose displays of military might and the subdued reality of the parade.

Notable Quotes:

• Jon Stewart [02:36]: "The hyperbole of this massive display of American military power really butted up against what the parade actually was."
• John Mulaney [06:19]: "Of this parade, I would be very... frightened."

Stewart humorously highlights the lack of true intimidation in the parade, mentioning technological advancements like "robot dog walkers" and poking fun at military budgets.

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3. Israel’s Military Action Against Iran

Discussion Points:

• Jon Stewart addresses Israel's announcement of military strikes against Iran, including the destruction of nuclear, military, and energy infrastructures.
• Raises concerns about potential escalation in the Middle East and the precarious balance of power.

Notable Quotes:

• Jon Stewart [07:15]: "But the reason why we couldn't spend the whole show on the parade was because our most impressive military shit this weekend was being used elsewhere."
• Jon Stewart [09:14]: "It's best we stay out of it."

Stewart questions the timing and necessity of the strikes, referencing past agreements and the looming threat of Iran developing nuclear capabilities.

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4. U.S. Involvement and MAGA’s Stance on Foreign Wars

Discussion Points:

• Exploration of the United States' role and the conflicting messages from political leadership regarding involvement in Middle Eastern conflicts.
• Critique of the MAGA base's reluctance to engage in foreign wars while exhibiting aggressive postures domestically.

Notable Quotes:

• Jon Stewart [17:35]: "We have Israel stoking foreign wars. We've got the right in this country pushing for domestic war."
• Jon Stewart [17:57]: "The MAGA mindset appears to be we didn't vote for foreign wars. We voted for civil war."

Stewart sarcastically portrays the MAGA base's paradoxical stance on warfare, highlighting a preference for internal conflict over international engagement.

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5. Minnesota Murders and Political Reactions

Discussion Points:

• Coverage of the tragic murders in Minnesota, where a state House leader and her husband, along with a state senator and his wife, were killed.
• Critique of political figures, specifically Senator Mike Lee, for their insensitive and politicized responses to the tragedy.

Notable Quotes:

• Jon Stewart [20:03]: "Bill, his roommate, he says that the suspect was a Trump supporter. This is a Tim Waltz appointee. This is a Democrat."
• Jon Stewart [22:00]: "One death is too many. One is too many."

Stewart emphasizes the lack of genuine concern and the tendency to politicize such events rather than address underlying issues.

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6. Mass Shootings in the U.S. and Policy Responses

Discussion Points:

• An extensive rundown of mass shootings in the U.S. over the past 25 years, highlighting the frequency and lack of effective policy measures.
• Criticism of the political maneuvering post-tragedies, with a focus on Democrats' responses and the inconsistent application of the Second Amendment.

Notable Quotes:

• Jon Stewart [23:35]: "They've got blood on their hands, pure and simple. One is too many."
• Jon Stewart [24:00]: "Why when a foreigner or someone that shouldn't be here kills one of us, we're going to put 150 billion into border security... But when we do it to ourselves, nothing is."

Stewart underscores the hypocritical approach to gun violence, contrasting the focus on external threats with the lack of action on domestic gun control.

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7. Guest Segment: John Mulaney’s Fight with Teenagers

Discussion Points:

• Transition to a lighter segment featuring John Mulaney recounting his comedic experience fighting three 14-year-old boys.
• The fight serves as a metaphor for addressing deeper societal issues regarding masculinity and youth.

Notable Quotes:

• John Mulaney [30:15]: "Everyone should fight three teenagers once a year."
• Jon Stewart [34:03]: "You are the man in the arena. Literally."

Mulaney humorously details the physical and emotional aspects of the fight, blending comedy with subtle social commentary.

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8. Comedic Antics and Banter

Discussion Points:

• Engaging and playful interaction between Stewart and Mulaney, including mock interviews, humorous hypothetical questions, and light-hearted jokes.
• Reference to past guests and satirical takes on serious topics through humor.

Notable Quotes:

• Jon Stewart [44:00]: "Where's Osama bin Laden?"
• John Mulaney [46:00]: "I'm a big fan of so many comedians who work at the craft, but the funniest thing that's ever happened on television in my life was that guy. Shoe."

The segment showcases the chemistry between the hosts, blending satire with genuine humor.

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9. Conclusion and Final Remarks

Jon Stewart wraps up the episode with a mock news segment about "Trump Mobile," satirizing political distractions and trivial pursuits amidst serious national issues. The hosts reiterate the importance of addressing real problems over superficialities.

Notable Quotes:

• Jon Stewart [49:43]: "We should celebrate it, not apologize for it."
• John Mulaney [49:45]: "Yeah."

Stewart emphasizes the need for the public to focus on meaningful solutions rather than being diverted by inconsequential news.

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Key Takeaways

• Media vs. Reality: The episode highlights the discrepancy between media portrayals of significant events and their actual impact, emphasizing the need for critical consumption of news.

• Political Hypocrisy: Stewart critiques the inconsistent and politicized responses to both international conflicts and domestic tragedies, calling out the lack of genuine policy action.

• Humor as Commentary: Through John Mulaney's comedic segments, the show uses humor to address and shed light on deeper societal issues, making the critique more accessible.

• Call for Action: The overarching message urges listeners to move beyond partisan blame games and advocate for effective, compassionate solutions to pressing national and international challenges.

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This episode of The Daily Show: Ears Edition masterfully intertwines sharp political satire with lighthearted humor, offering listeners both insightful critiques and entertaining banter. Through the dynamic interplay between Jon Stewart and John Mulaney, the show navigates complex topics with wit and wisdom, making it a compelling listen for those seeking both information and laughter.

Transcript

[Jon Stewart]

This is an iHeart podcast. This episode is brought to you by WhatsApp. Your personal messaging is also your personal space. Completely private. That's why it's nice to know that on WhatsApp, no one can see or hear your personal messages. So the calls with your mom, chats about the latest work drama, late night voice messages, and all those photos and videos of your dog, every personal message stays private because no one, not even WhatsApp, can see or hear your personal messages. WhatsApp message privately with everyone. This episode is supported by FX's the Bear. The Emmy award winning series returns following Carmi, Sydney and Richie as they push forward, determined not only to survive, but also to take the bear to the next level. This season, the pursuit of excellence isn't just about getting better. It's about deciding what's worth holding onto. FX is the Bear. All episodes streaming June 25th on Hulu. You're listening to Comedy Central from the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central. It's America's only source for news. This is the Daily show with your host, Jon Stewart. Yeah. Welcome to the Daily Show. I got. My name is Jon Stewart. I got a little picture there going for you. What's happening? We got a show for you tonight. My God. John Mulaney's gonna be joining me later fresh off of his hit Netflix show Squid Game first. But let me just say this to start off, just to start off weekend this terrible again. I'm so sorry.

[John Mulaney]

Friday.

[Jon Stewart]

We were in the office on Friday. We planned a very fun show. It was gonna be light on. We were gonna come out here, talk about little Kim Jong Trump and his big military parade slash quinceanera, and how it meant that we all live in North Kore. All the hyperbole of this massive display of American military power really butted up against what the parade actually was, which was this. Was that. Was that tank. Was that tank squeaking? We have a trillion dollar budget for the military. Nobody's got WD40, nobody. Squeaky Tang. Nobody can just go in there. This was less a show of overwhelming force and more like a military museum getting in its steps. It was. It was actually. It was actually kind of nice and fun. It took you through the history of the army, from its days of tri cornered hats and muskets to its brave future as robot dog walkers. Hey, hey, hey. He's in str. Who's gonna clean up these ball bearings? He's just gonna. Who's got a three kiloton explosive nose? You do. You do. Can I boop no, probably not. But for all the hype, it was a relatively reserved, not particularly well attended event that left all the VIPs lucky enough to see it bored out of their minds. Meanwhile, the real crowds turned out for the no Kings march, where millions gathered in cities all across the country to protest our Slurpees descent into authoritarian dystopia. They protested and showed off all the hats they made. And in Boston, the no Kings parade conveniently coincided with the Pride Parade, and it was. Wait a minute. The gays have developed robot dogs as well. The gays. The gays have the advanced technology? Or are those just the gay robot dogs that Secretary of Defense Hegseth wouldn't allow to serve openly in our other army is that they're not allowed to serve. Well, guess what? What, Secretary Hegseth. They are serving. The point is, no Kings appear to be arousing success. And the military parade's failure to succeed in its grandiose objectives can be described in really this one FOX News clip. And I promise you we did not edit this in any way. If I was the Ayatollah, watching Fox News coverage, which I hope he is.

[John Mulaney]

Of this parade, I would be very.

[Jon Stewart]

Frightened and I would be thinking twice about whether I want to retaliate against the United States. The ayatollah would be frightened. They're waving. Does the ayatollah know the Americans have obtained jazz hands, Surrender or dance. But as always, reality was no match for President Donald Trump, who set a very specific and low bar of success for his birthday parade.

[John Mulaney]

Last night was a tremendous success with a fantastic audience.

[Jon Stewart]

It was supposed to rain.

[John Mulaney]

They gave it a 100% chance of rain and it didn't rain at all. It was beautiful.

[Jon Stewart]

Nothing says I just turned 79 like shouting about how the weather forecast was wrong. It was a tremendous success. They said it would rain. I knew it wouldn't rain. You know how I knew my right knee didn't bark? If it's gonna rain, it always barks. You see that show about that stuff? Fun, carefree, light, enjoyable, old man talking weather, gay robot dogs, the world that could have been you, the viewer would have enjoyed. But the reason why we couldn't spend the whole show on the parade, perhaps the reason why the parade wasn't as extravagant as it could have been was because our most impressive military shit this weekend was being used elsewhere. Tonight, Israel announcing it has launched a military strike against Iran. Smoke seen rising in Tehran in video posted online. And overnight, Iranian strikes in Israel. Retaliation, it says, for Israel's Attack on its nuclear, military and energy infrastructure. Now there are concerns about how much this could escalate. Could. Could escalate. The whole region is escalate. It's all on fire. This is a wedding video from Lebanon over the weekend. Missiles, fireworks, doesn't matter. I now pronounce you man and duck. But what happened with Iran? Weren't we about to make a nuclear deal? Wasn't our deal maker in chief making a deal to keep Iran from enriching uranium? Actually, didn't we have a deal before our dealmaker in chief so wisely pulled us from that deal? Why did this have to go balmy on Iran now?

[John Mulaney]

And by next spring at most, by.

[Jon Stewart]

Next summer, at current enrichment rates, they will have finished the medium enrichment and move on to the final stage. Iran is months away from having a nuclear bomb, says Netanyahu in 2012. By the way, did Iran happen to get that bomb from a company called Acme? Like, will it be delivered to Israel on rocket powered skates? Will it go off in a tumultuous meep, meep? Seriously, why did we have to bomb Iran now? Iran is so dangerous. Weeks away from having the fissile material for an entire arsenal of nuclear bombs. Holy shit. That's why Iran's only weeks away from having an entire arsenal of nuclear bombs, says Netanyahu in 2015. 2015. Think about that. Back when we all thought, oh no, the Republicans might nominate that madman, Jeb Bush should have gone with the question mark. No, seriously, I'm not being facetious. I really want to know why we had to bomb Iran. Now we're going to show you Iran's secret nuclear files. Here's the warhead, here's the bomb, and that's from 2018. I don't know if Iran is any closer to having a bomb, but it is clear Israel now has the capacity to enrich their drawings. Netanyahu. I swear to God. Netanyahu talks about Iran getting nukes the way I talk about the Knicks winning a title. This, this is the year the Knicks are one piece away. Weeks away from winning a title. They never win a title. Of course. A hot war between Israel and Iran could threaten the United States. It's best we stay out of it. Secretary of State Marco Rubio saying Israel took unilateral action against Iran and that the US Is not involved. Strikes. We're not involved. That's good. The U.S. says it was informed beforehand. Good neighbor policy. I mean, we were informed. They let us know. Still not being involved. Really? President Trump acknowledged Yesterday that he was aware of the Israeli operation and he gave it a green light. They don't know what they're talking about. We were told, we approved. It's still Israel's game. Israel used American equipment during its initial strikes against Iran. What the are we doing? All right, so we knew and we approved and we gave them all the shit to do it with. I'm confused. Are we involved? I think I need clarification from our parade grand Marshal in chief. The President made it clear that the United States is not involved. He wanted to make that very clear. But at the same time, it's possible that we could get involved, but we're not involved at this moment. See? Where's Switzerland? Perhaps the reason why the President is being cagey about all this is because not all of the MAGA are embracing Netanyahu's bomb fetishes. We cannot be dragged into and actually dragged into a war in the Middle East. We put America first and that means American interests first. Our MAGA base, they do not want the United States to be engaged in this. I don't know anyone that wakes up and thinks about bombing. She doesn't know anyone who wakes up and thinks about bombing Iran. I gotta tell you, I don't think she knows anyone who wakes up and thinks. But credit, they enjoyed that one. But you know what? I'm gonna say this. This may surprise some people. Credit where credit is due. I certainly have tremendous policy and in some instances, space laser differences with these folks. But I applaud any group that is steadfast in a diplomacy first posture. The only problem with their posture that I see with it is their reluctance to commit America's military to fighting. Drawn out and often pointless wars. Doesn't seem to extend to America. President Trump should fully deploy the military in the streets. Take back the streets of la. Do it and do it fast, huh? Doesn't want to be in Iran, he wants to be in la. He doesn't want to deploy the military overseas. He wants to save the military for the real threat, us. He's not being hypocritical, just mind blowing. The MAGA mindset appears to be we didn't vote for foreign wars. We voted for civil war. This is a war. The battle for America was going to take place in Los Angeles. The only way to win here is to double and triple down the current war that we are seeing waged by the Democrats, by the foreign nationals waving Mexican flags. The city of Los Angeles is an occupied city. It is time to retake the cities of this country, it is time to use force. What the. They are looking for any pretense. They are looking for any pretense to sic their robot dogs on Democrats. And the strategy that they're using is to inflate the threat that this country now faces to so rile up their base as to make the left in this country represented by over 75 million votes in the past presidential election, as a legitimate military target for the United States of America. It's a strategy that's been used before to gin up military conflict. See if you recognize it. The good people of Iraq, they want a peaceful country. They want security. The good people of Los Angeles deserve to be secure in their homes. We're not going anywhere. Until there is a stable environment, we're not going anywhere. We're here to maintain the peace. Liberate Iraq from the tyranny. Liberate the city from the socialists. We will liberate the people of Iraq. We will liberate Los Angeles. We must. They don't understand yet. We must invade Los Angeles. We cannot have the world's most dangerous people eating the world's most delicious tacos. It's so absurd to paint the opposition party in your country as a fifth column, an enemy from within. But again, like, I don't want to overreact. I don't want to strain the metaphor too much. It's not like the right is calling for the need for a kind of Iraq like de Baathification program to remove Democrats from government post liberation.

[John Mulaney]

We need like a de Ba' athification program.

[Jon Stewart]

Fire every single mid level bureaucrat, every civil servant in the administrative state. Replace them with our people. They're insane. By the way, was that guy's beard used to color J.D. vance's eyes? So there you have it. We've got Israel stoking foreign wars. We've got the right in this country pushing for domestic war. And I haven't even gotten to the one thing this weekend that was actually really so up. It's almost too much show. You know, in fact, I'm going to break form. Let's take an intermission. Sam, intermission over. Thank you. Welcome back to the show. All right, this is the kind of shit that I hate having to do on the show. But as you know, Minnesota was the site of horrible violence where a State House leader and her husband were killed. A state senator and his wife were shot. The only positive is that the person who perpetrated these acts has finally been caught. Finally. But what I was really struck by is what Seemed to be on everybody's mind. In the midst of this horror this morning, a lot of questions remain, like, what was his motive? Why a motive? Why did he do this? When do we learn about motive?

[John Mulaney]

Everyone wants to know why.

[Jon Stewart]

Bill, his roommate, he says that the suspect was a Trump supporter. This is a Tim Waltz appointee. This is a Democrat. I'm gonna be honest and I truly mean this. I mean no disrespect. Like I don't give a why this person did it. I just don't give a. I don't care. I don't care whose team he's on. I don't care if he listens to NPR or Fox News. I don't give a flying. What blows my mind is our resignation in the aftermath of this nonsense. What are you gonna do? I don't know. Put a shit ton of funding into mental health funding. Put a shit ton of money into illegal weapons interdiction. Maybe that chip, maybe. Maybe the. What do you call it there, Maybe. Maybe the chip that Bill Gates had injected in all of us during COVID could have a self destruct button. Take people out before they do this shit. For God's sakes, can't we do that? Grubhub knows when I want pizza. You don't think grubhub doesn't know when people are getting murderous? What's the difference between hungry and hangry? What's the difference? We're willing to do things about other issues. We just heard about it. Why are they attacking Los Angeles right now? Why is the right so willing to tear our cities apart in this moment? Dangerous criminals continue to flood our nation and kill our citizens. This has to stop. I mean, I think about it for my grandkids. I mean, how safe are they in this society? One woman or one child violated by an illegal alien is one too many. The alarm bells were going off a long time ago. A lot of Democrats will defend this.

[John Mulaney]

And say, well, you know, it's such a small percentage.

[Jon Stewart]

They have blood on their hands, pure and simple. One is too many. One is too many. One death, by the way. True, it is too many. Violence should never be accepted. It should never be tolerated. But that's for their issue. In the wake of Sandy Hook and Uvalde and Parkland and El Paso and Lewiston and Aurora and Buffalo and Boulder and Binghamton and Highland park and Monterey park and San Bernardino and San Jose and San Francisco and the Pulse nightclub and the Colorado Springs nightclub and the Little Rock Nightclub Club and the Borderline Bar in Thousand Oaks and the Ned Peppers Bar in Dayton and the Waffle House in Nashville and Virginia Tech and UVA and MSU and UCSB and FSU and NIU and SMC and the Sutherland Springs Church and the Mother Emanuel Church in Charleston and the Living Church of God and the Tree of Life Synagogue and the Allen Mall and the West Roads Mall and Fort Hood and Lockheed Martin. And what are we doing? What are we doing, by the way? By the way? That is a wildly incomplete list. We kept it to the last 25 years and it's still not everything. And what's their response to all that.

[John Mulaney]

They'Re doing the same thing that they always do after there's a mass shooting. They politicize it.

[Jon Stewart]

The issue is not with the Second Amendment. Guns aren't the problem. Does a gun commit crime? Democrats want to take away your guns. They don't want to solve problems. Turns out when it comes to mass shootings, one's not too many. Actually, a shitload isn't too many. And by the way, you can say Second Amendment all you want, but you definitely don't seem to mind throwing out the Constitution when it comes to deportation. And I am legitimately asking this question. This is truly legitimate. Like, I know I can be like. But like, I am genuinely baffled. Why is it when a foreigner or someone that shouldn't be here kills one of us, we're going to put 150 billion into border security. We're going to militarize our cities. We're going to spend trillions of dollars to bomb and destabilize foreign countries overseas. We're going to ban people from random countries from ever visiting here. We're going to take our shoes off at the airport forever. But when we do it to ourselves, nothing is it that the only acceptable deaths are those that are made in America. Our only response now is to tally up the psycho scoreboard on whose side the perp belongs to. I honestly would like to know. Like, it makes no sense. It's jarring. Cognitive dizziness. This is Senator Mike Lee. All right. Great state of Utah, which, by the way, suffered a tragic shooting death at one of their no Kings events over the weekend. And just a little backstory. I have met Senator Lee. He's the best. In 2019, when we were trying to get permanent reauthorization of the Ray Pfeiffer Louis Alvarez Zadroga act, we met with Senator Mike Lee in his office down in Washington, we had a team of Feel Good foundation and a team of first responders with us, firefighters, cops, other People, one of the cops had been in the first tower when it collapsed, Right? So all these first responders are going around the table and they are sharing their stories to try and get Senator Mike Lee to support this bill that's going to provide life saving coverage and money to the victims of this terrible terrorist attack and the illnesses they are suffering since then. When the one cop says his story about being in the tower that collapsed and the aftermath, when he told Senator Lee about that experience, Senator Lee smiled and said, I bet you've got a lot of stories of dead of like what Spring break? Like, what are you talking about? We met a lot of people in Washington. Some were hopeful, some of those meetings, some were upsetting meetings. That was the only meeting where we all walked out and looked at each other and went, what the is wrong with that guy? The only one. I say this for context, for why I use Senator Lee as the avatar for the insanity of this moment. Here he is on the Senate floor talking about why he is for these, you could call draconian immigration policies. The tragic case of Lakeland Riley, a life cut short by an illegal alien. Her case represents hundreds of thousands of families across this nation whose lives have been upended by the invasion that our leaders allowed to happen. Now, look, he's right to be upset at our leaders for allowing unsafe conditions to happen. That's fine. Here's Mike Lee tweeting this weekend about the assassination of a Democratic legislator and her husband. Just hours after we all learned about this tragedy, Republican Senator Mike Lee of Utah posted a picture of the suspect at the door of one of the lawmakers with the caption, this is what happens when Marxists don't get their way. And by the way, he didn't just post that. He didn't just post that. He pinned that to the top of whatever the it is that you pin stuff on on Twitter, your Twitter refrigerator, to show off your Twitter work and then to let all of us know that that is not the depth of his depravity, that he can go deeper, he posted this. The senator posted another picture with the caption Nightmare on Wall Street. Mocking, of course, the name of the Minnesota governor. Okay, first of all, Elm street to Wall street is a shitty pun. As a comedian, I must object. You've got Wolf of Wall street just sitting there. And second, I truly want to know why in his mind, one death, the hands of an immigrant is worth $150 billion of border security, a militarization of American cities. Well, just the blue cities. I know the Undocumented immigrants in red state fields are the good ones. Now, suddenly. That and I guess, Mar a Lago hospitality workers. But I want to know why those deaths in Minnesota are worth only a night of Edgelord shitposting. No billions for mental health. No stopping illegal weapons trafficking. No nothing. We should ask him why. I bet he's got some stories to tell when we come back. John Mulaney. Don't go away. Welcome back to the show. My guest tonight, one of my favorites. One of my favorites, not just as a comedian, as a person. My guest tonight, an actor, writer, comedian, hosts the Netflix show Everybody's Live. Please welcome John Mulaney. Thank you very much. That was not. When was that? A week ago.

[John Mulaney]

This was two weeks ago. That fight was two weeks ago. Yeah.

[Jon Stewart]

Those gentlemen. And I call them gentlemen.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. Young men.

[Jon Stewart]

Young men. 13, 14.

[John Mulaney]

No, 14. Three. 14 year olds. I'm 42. They add up to me.

[Jon Stewart]

They do add up to me.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, they do. Yeah.

[Jon Stewart]

You show no worse for wear. You look healthy. I saw no limp.

[John Mulaney]

I'm moving slower.

[Jon Stewart]

Do you still feel the ache?

[John Mulaney]

I still feel that lactic acid. You ever fought three boys and you get that lactic acid buildup in the low?

[Jon Stewart]

I don't think they've. Most people haven't fought.

[John Mulaney]

Everyone should. Let me say this. Obviously there's a lot going on right now. This is the most important message you'll hear tonight. But everyone should fight three teenagers once a year. Follow the rules. We did no eye gouging, no cutting off of airways, no punching, no kicking. Just sort of advanced hugging and wrestling and you'll feel so much better. I feel invigorated. I really. I've never been more present in my life. Cause I had to be for that fight. You understand what I mean?

[Jon Stewart]

So in some ways, it's like skydiving or Everest.

[John Mulaney]

Sure.

[Jon Stewart]

Except with 14 year old.

[John Mulaney]

Exactly. Like they said about Everest. Why do it? Cause it's there. Well, I. Technically I flew those boys in, but once. Once they were there, I said I'm gonna do it.

[Jon Stewart]

When you flew them in? I'm just curious. For no apparent reason.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Jon Stewart]

Overstate lines. Was that over state lines?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Jon Stewart]

Yeah.

[John Mulaney]

But I checked. And I don't mind answering that. Cause I checked all that shit out. I made sure no I. Traveling teens, you gotta always dot your I's and stuff.

[Jon Stewart]

Sure.

[John Mulaney]

So I brought them in separate hotels. Don't let them meet for real because I couldn't get them to. I didn't want them planning anything or developing any strategies.

[Jon Stewart]

How Long, if I may.

[John Mulaney]

Sure.

[Jon Stewart]

By the way. And that episode, that was the final episode of your 12 week.

[John Mulaney]

12 episode.

[Jon Stewart]

And you did 12 in a row, which I thought was in some ways bragging to go to do 12 weeks in a row.

[John Mulaney]

We wanted very much to stop at 7, but we then we reached the start.

[Jon Stewart]

Made the rest of us look a little bit.

[John Mulaney]

Oh, please.

[Jon Stewart]

Pathetic.

[John Mulaney]

No. You got a rigorous schedule. Mondays and then. Yes.

[Jon Stewart]

You don't know. You don't know. When I'm out here at the children I fight, you have no idea. So these 14 year old Jacob, Ben.

[John Mulaney]

And Adarsh, three warriors.

[Jon Stewart]

Who was the one who began to go silverback after it was over? There was one of them. As soon as it went over, he jumped up and went.

[John Mulaney]

I think that was Adarsh. If I'm getting it wrong, I apologize. But Jacob had never met Adarsh. Adarsh had never met Ben. Ben had never met Jacob. They never met till they met on the map.

[Jon Stewart]

Randomly selected.

[John Mulaney]

No. There were thousands of submissions, or maybe there was like 100, I don't know. But we found three, right?

[Jon Stewart]

Yes.

[John Mulaney]

So then selected by one of my writers, the great Langston Kerman.

[Jon Stewart]

Langston Kerman. Hilarious.

[John Mulaney]

Hilarious comedian.

[Jon Stewart]

Yes.

[John Mulaney]

Great actor. Hilarious comedian.

[Jon Stewart]

Lovely man.

[John Mulaney]

He was a teacher for many years and he fought his students one day like they just were ragging on him and so he locked the door of these three boys and they just went at it. And I think, whatever the statutes over now.

[Jon Stewart]

Is this the plot of Lean on Me? I think this is very. I think. And did he have. No.

[John Mulaney]

But it was as if Joe Clark from Lean on Me took it to the appropriate level, which is some fighting. There's all these podcasters now. Talk about a crisis with men and boys.

[Jon Stewart]

Sure.

[John Mulaney]

Right. And a lot of them.

[Jon Stewart]

Oh, I listen to the male.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. They're on testosterone. They shave their heads and things like this.

[Jon Stewart]

Sure.

[John Mulaney]

And they talk, they make little video diaries in their basement and so forth. But if you want to really get to the root of it, you get three of them together, get them in nice suits and helmets and you get in a suit yourself and you go at it.

[Jon Stewart]

Let me tell you something, because I hadn't looked at it in this way. You weren't just fighting for entertainment. In many ways this was a crusade to save American youth and maleness.

[John Mulaney]

Absolutely. Yeah.

[Jon Stewart]

You are, if I may, and this is not frivolous.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Jon Stewart]

You are the man in the arena. Literally.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Jon Stewart]

Teddy Roosevelt.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, Teddy Roosevelt. That quote. Have you ever been sent that? That means you have A big failure. I had a sitcom that was shot out of the air like a duck in Duck Hunt. And everyone sent me that quote. And I was like, man, this must be bombing. Because everyone, everyone's sending me the man in the arena now.

[Jon Stewart]

These kids, if I may say, I thought you held your own for God. Must have been 41 seconds.

[John Mulaney]

47 seconds. Right, 47 seconds.

[Jon Stewart]

Which is no small feet for an asthmatic or whatever. I don't know what physically you're dealing with.

[John Mulaney]

I don't have a lot of physical prowess. I fought when I was younger. But those. I'm much older now. What I had that they don't have. And a lot of kids don't have this. If you ever want to fight. One is they don't have core strength, but I do a lot of core because I have a tear in my hip which I've been open about. So it's not cheating. A lot of pt.

[Jon Stewart]

Do they know about the hip? Did they target?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, they did.

[Jon Stewart]

They knew about the target. The hip.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, they went for the hip. They really went for this leg. Cause they knew I was a goner. I was gonna sink right into the labrum tear. But 47 seconds, I stood until they were choking me out on the mat.

[Jon Stewart]

Can I tell you something, though?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Jon Stewart]

So those first 30 seconds were chaotic.

[John Mulaney]

They were chaotic.

[Jon Stewart]

I knew for a moment that you had it, but then it was like a movie about. You ever seen those Alien movies where we have the upper hand? But then all of a sudden they're like. I think they're learning. Yes. There was a moment, it might have been in Adarsh's eyes.

[John Mulaney]

Yes.

[Jon Stewart]

Where they made contact and they began to operate as the Borg, as a hive.

[John Mulaney]

They operated like a three boy monster. Yes, they, they. I was. See, I knew if I charged first because I knew I had a couple.

[Jon Stewart]

Brilliant move.

[John Mulaney]

I had a couple advantages on them. I'm not self conscious the way a 14 year old is. Right. So I said, I'm gonna charge Jacob with everything I have. Right. He's the biggest of them and I didn't want him on my back. So I go right at Jacob.

[Jon Stewart]

You had a plan.

[John Mulaney]

I had a plan, but I didn't realize how much I needed to keep moving. As Ben and Adarsh closed in on me, Adam Sandler, who's standing right off the ring, was he your cornerman? Sort of. Sean Penn was just smoking, but Adam.

[Jon Stewart]

Sean Penn. But if you want to watch this episode, it is like maybe the most perfect hour long episode of television. In the middle of it, there is a sincere 15 minute interview with Sean Penn. Yeah, he and I must go to the same plastic surgeon because we both look like we sleep in a meat dehydrator.

[John Mulaney]

But Sean Penn goes to third world countries and they go, are you okay? No, he's a good man. He's a tough man.

[Jon Stewart]

He is. By the way, I don't think against Sean Penn, I don't think Adarsh would have been beaten the chest. I think one of them would be left with their heart out of their chest and Sean Penn just gnawing on it in front of the other ones.

[John Mulaney]

Yes. We get into it, Sean Penn and I, about his Malibu surfing days and the violence that erupted out of what seems like a tranquil activity.

[Jon Stewart]

That's right.

[John Mulaney]

So the problem was. And it's. I hope there's a camera angle. I'll have to go through all the raw footage and I plan to.

[Jon Stewart]

Do you have the. All 22 of the fight? Do you have. Do you have any.

[John Mulaney]

That's gonna be the third act of my life. People visit me in a weird house and I show them the raw footage and prove I could have won. There's a moment where I get Jacob off my back and I go for a darsh and I choke. I just can't throw him. I just. I go like that and I go, I can't throw him.

[Jon Stewart]

Is it a leverage thing? Was it you went for the wrong angle or.

[John Mulaney]

No, it was just. It wasn't in me. And that was an important lesson in masculinity. You know that, right? And I went, this is not me. Right, fellas? Don't we all face our own Adarsh and go, I could throw this boy now right at Sean Penn, but I'm not gonna do it. You get a cigarette right in the eye.

[Jon Stewart]

Your process is this. In real time.

[John Mulaney]

In real time, you're able to do this.

[Jon Stewart]

Was it kind of a slow plus?

[John Mulaney]

I know that Bone Thugs in Harmony is waiting off stage, which, by the.

[Jon Stewart]

Way, when they come out, they come out.

[John Mulaney]

Beautiful music.

[Jon Stewart]

It's a beautiful. You're hearing something from the audience that I think I was feeling when I was at home. And what you heard, you might not have heard it from. There is one woman just went, what? And I think that's exactly right. And I think if I were. And again, I've been in television a long time, but if I were in the writer's room or in the production and you were walking me through what was about to happen, I think I Also might at some point within the conversation go, what?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, our team, our Wonderful director, Joe DeMaio, and our lighting.

[Jon Stewart]

Joey DeMaio.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, Joey DeMaio. You know, we used to work together at MTV. And our wonderful lighting design, Brian Klunder, who doesn't look like shit. Doesn't look like any famous people.

[Jon Stewart]

Couldn't win a single legally shaves the.

[John Mulaney]

Beard, and wait till someone emerges and becomes famous that looks like Klunder. Exactly. But we talked it out, and they said, when does Bone Thugs know to come out? And I said, when the boys tap out. That was gonna be. I was just so confident.

[Jon Stewart]

It's a brilliant.

[John Mulaney]

I really appreciate it. Thanks. You texted me after I showed all the writers. We were really thrilled to get that.

[Jon Stewart]

I loved it. My only question is, is there any thought for you, and this is in recognizing your limitations of going down in age class, a weight class, maybe trying this, I think, eight to nine year olds.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Jon Stewart]

I'm telling you, I think that could be. I think this is my feeling. I think that could be the sweet.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Jon Stewart]

Where. And I'm even gonna throw this out there. Four of them, if you still want it to add up to your age. Sure.

[John Mulaney]

We could do that. I mean, it's basically probably unconsciously all building up to me fighting my own son, who's three and a half, by the way. You know what he does? He gets on top of me and he puts his thumbs over my eyes, and he goes, no, no, Dada, open your eyes.

[Jon Stewart]

He really wants to go sockets into the brain.

[John Mulaney]

Really wants to go sockets into the brain.

[Jon Stewart]

Yeah. I gotta tell you, when they do, you know, my boy.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Jon Stewart]

The day he beat me in arm wrestling, I really thought he would have a little bit more of a realization of, like, that this is a mortality play, like, he's gonna beat me. So I said to him, I go, when you finally beat me, like, it's not gonna feel as good as you think it's gonna feel.

[John Mulaney]

It's gonna make you sad.

[Jon Stewart]

It's gonna make you realize something. It didn't. He loved it.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Jon Stewart]

And to this day, I think the relationship changed to where he physically knows I've got no shot against one of him.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. And then he married your wife, right?

[Jon Stewart]

What?

[John Mulaney]

That's. That's. That's international arm wrestling dad rule.

[Jon Stewart]

I have got to make a call. Hold on. It's. It's fabulous. And I'm just so delighted for you and the whole family, and you guys are lovely. But I did want to ask you, you know, you And I talked about. We knew we weren't going to talk about anything because we never talk about anything. We just around. And I didn't want to let it go because you're an important guest and you're an important figure in show business and comedy. I wanted to. Treated you as such.

[John Mulaney]

That's very nice.

[Jon Stewart]

And so I didn't know what to ask you, so I just went through past interviews.

[John Mulaney]

This is really wild to be on the Daily show with you, by the way.

[Jon Stewart]

We've never done this together.

[John Mulaney]

I can't express how. What. It's a very cool moment.

[Jon Stewart]

Really. Yeah. For me as well. For you. It's a good moment for me.

[John Mulaney]

I was an intern. When I was an intern. When I was an intern at Comedy Central, big thing was a lot of Viacom execs would ask for tickets to the Daily show. And it was so. I mean, this was like 2003, 2004. Couldn't get in. Couldn't get in the room. So I'd give them tickets to Tough crowd.

[Jon Stewart]

Call them and go. I don't know if these are these questions that I had asked other guests.

[John Mulaney]

Other Daily Shows that have been on. Okay.

[Jon Stewart]

And. And I would like to ask you, and whether you. I don't know if you'll know. You can answer them or if you'd even know who. Who I'm asking.

[John Mulaney]

Wait, these are ran. You're not going to say who you asked them to. You're just going to ask the question?

[Jon Stewart]

That's right.

[John Mulaney]

That's great.

[Jon Stewart]

But these are other important guests.

[John Mulaney]

Okay.

[Jon Stewart]

Guess that I was delighted that we were able to have it. Oh, very nice. John, you are renowned as a man of peace. The John part I added, that's.

[John Mulaney]

Oh, okay.

[Jon Stewart]

All right.

[John Mulaney]

I was like the first clue.

[Jon Stewart]

Yeah. It's not. It's actually a red herring and misdirect.

[John Mulaney]

Okay.

[Jon Stewart]

All right. You are renowned as a man of peace. So I've got to ask, what are people saying about us, America? Are they digging us? I swear to God. You think your show is loose. I'm going to show you. I pioneered lack of preparation.

[John Mulaney]

Thank you. Yeah. You were a great innovator. And no pre interviewing.

[Jon Stewart]

Thank you.

[John Mulaney]

Desmond Tutu.

[Jon Stewart]

That's exactly right. Yeah. Bishop Desmond Tutu. Excellent, excellent, excellent.

[John Mulaney]

And I bet the answer. He would giggle a lot. Remember, he had a. Woohoo.

[Jon Stewart]

He had the best.

[John Mulaney]

He had the best laugh.

[Jon Stewart]

I don't understand.

[John Mulaney]

I once saw a video of him and the Dalai Lama. I don't know what it was from, but they were on stage, just cracking up.

[Jon Stewart]

Can I tell you something? When I would see Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama talk, it looked like a helium birthday party.

[John Mulaney]

I know.

[Jon Stewart]

Like they were all just sucking balloons.

[John Mulaney]

It looked like late Carol Burnett.

[Jon Stewart]

Yes. You and I should work together.

[John Mulaney]

I know.

[Jon Stewart]

Here's a question I asked of a guest.

[John Mulaney]

Okay.

[Jon Stewart]

Where's Osama bin Laden?

[John Mulaney]

Donald Rumsfeld.

[Jon Stewart]

Close. Ooh. Pervez Musharraf. The president of Pakistan at the time.

[John Mulaney]

Mother of Pakistan.

[Jon Stewart]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

[John Mulaney]

He came here.

[Jon Stewart]

Dude. He came here. He was doing his autobiography. It was a tour for his autobiography.

[John Mulaney]

His autobiography.

[Jon Stewart]

His autobiography. Security was. Al Qaeda was trying to kill him. Security was everywhere. Oh, I hate Al Qaeda. Guns, bomb sniffing, everything. Pakistan. Secret Service. American Secret Service. And the whole time, I was like, this dude is risking his life.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah.

[Jon Stewart]

To be on this show. And I was like, I should have read the book, because I. When did the Taliban come to Swat Valley?

[John Mulaney]

When did they come to Swat Valley? We believe that the Taliban have had a stronghold in that area for some time. The rest would be classified.

[Jon Stewart]

Who would I have asked that?

[John Mulaney]

Who would you have asked that to?

[Jon Stewart]

I don't know.

[John Mulaney]

Who could you have asked that that would have dared Face you down? Dick Cheney.

[Jon Stewart]

Malala. You saw this?

[John Mulaney]

I love Malala.

[Jon Stewart]

Oh, here's. Here's a good one. Give us the range of chimpanzee behavior from dressing up like us and playing the cymbals to biting that woman's face off. Ooh. What's the full range?

[John Mulaney]

Okay. Like Jack Hannah Jane Goodall.

[Jon Stewart]

I'm sorry. So bad at this. All right, That'll be it. But that. All right.

[John Mulaney]

Hey, did you ever have on that guy? Remember that dude that threw his shoes at George W. Bush?

[Jon Stewart]

Did he do the circuit? I don't remember the circuit, honestly.

[John Mulaney]

Like, I'm a big fan of so many comedians who work at the craft, but the funniest thing that's ever happened on television in my life was that guy. Shoe. And you saw this weird look in Bush's eyes where he's like, oh, we play in shoes. Like, he knew it as a game.

[Jon Stewart]

He went. And he immediately went. It was coming.

[John Mulaney]

And he went, yep, yep.

[Jon Stewart]

Like, he went down.

[John Mulaney]

That's a dude. And, like, listen, we both have our problems with him, but that guy could duck shoes. And he. You were clear. You. What it said to us was, this isn't the first time someone thrown both of their shoes.

[Jon Stewart]

Did he end up.

[John Mulaney]

I did that at rehab once in group.

[Jon Stewart]

You did the George Bush shoe.

[John Mulaney]

Bet there was this guy that blamed his wife for everything. And I said, not as a joke.

[Jon Stewart]

The.

[John Mulaney]

The rest of thought it was a joke. I was like, if you do that again, I'm going, if you don't get into your responsibility and take, you know, some responsibility for what you did, I'm gonna throw my shoes at you. Like that guy did at George W. Bush. Big laugh in group. The guy did it again. One shoe. Yeah. That guy's still sober.

[Jon Stewart]

Is he really?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah. And it was the second shoe that.

[Jon Stewart]

Did it because of fear.

[John Mulaney]

The fear of the second shoe.

[Jon Stewart]

Do you remember in Iraq, did that guy have one more shoe in the chamber or did he?

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, he got. He squeezed off two shoes.

[Jon Stewart]

I think he emptied both chambers.

[John Mulaney]

Two shoes, right? Yeah. And I'm guessing slip ons, though I never inspected them.

[Jon Stewart]

They appeared to be slip ons. They did not, to be perfectly frank, did not seem to be the heaviest, most structured shoes. They seemed to be.

[John Mulaney]

Yeah, it was a loose shoe.

[Jon Stewart]

That's. That's no question. I'm so happy, happy to see you.

[John Mulaney]

It's so happy to see you.

[Jon Stewart]

So, Mr. John, live stream it on Netflix. And for more info on Mix the Whatever Tour, go to john mulaney.com John Mulaney, we're going to take this break. Let's go for tonight. Before we go, we're going to check in with your host for the rest of the week, Jordan Klepper. Jordan. Jordan. Yes. What's on deck for this week? Ooh, two words, John. Trump mobile. Today, the Trump family announced they're starting their very own mobile phone company. And experts are saying this new phone could completely revolutionize the way dum dums get scammed out of money. Needless to say, I got one. Is this. I mean, this is true. Yeah. Is this a good use of the president's time? Oh, of course it is, John. That's what Maga voted for. A president with the same LinkedIn page as Ryan Reynolds. So he's not gonna be trying to find a solution to Iran, Israel, war. Oh, oh, he's got a solution. The two sides won't be fighting once they discover the spoo of Trump Tequila. One sip and it's so long, Middle East. Hello, Margaritaville. I don't think tequila's gonna be enough at this point. Why? Has it gotten bad? I haven't checked the news. My Trump phone gets zero bars. Jordan. Jordan Klepper, everybody. Here it is your moment event. Let me tell you, you're gonna see something. This is not an average parade. This is a full on military parade US army on demonstration through the years. You're in for something special because America's special and we deserve it.

[John Mulaney]

We should celebrate it, not apologize for it.

[Jon Stewart]

This parade's gonna be awesome. Take that, haters. Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus, this has been a Comedy Central podcast. This is an I heart podcast.