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Last night you spent two hours deciding what to wear to the party this morning. It'll take you two minutes to list it on Depop and make your money back. Just grab your phone, snap a few photos and we'll take care of the rest. The sheer dress and platform heels you'll never wear again. There's a birthday girl searching for them right now. Your one and done look is about to pay for your next night out, or at least the ride home. Your style can make you cash. Start selling on Depop, where taste recognizes taste. Amazon presents Jeff vs. Taco Truck Salsa. Whether it's verde roja or the orange one, for Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea and milk. Habanero. More like habanero. Yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. You're listening to Comedy Central. We start tonight with the fundamental battle of the ages. Not the one between good and evil. Evil won that immediately. I'm talking about the fight between marijuana and alcohol. Alcohol has had the upper hand for decades, but now it appears that marijuana is pulling ahead. Well, for the first time ever, daily marijuana use is now facing daily alcohol use. This is according to a new national study. Millions of people in the US Report using marijuana daily or nearly every day. According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health. Those people now outnumber those who say they are daily or near daily drinkers of alcohol. That's right, daily pot smokers are beating daily alcohol drinkers in the race to see who can escape their sad lives more quickly. But in some ways, it makes sense. Edibles are just much more efficient than booze. I mean, have you ever tried to get a trick or treater drunk? It's almost impossible. Of course, the rising popularity of weed is a good reminder to the beer industry that they got lazy. They thought they could just sit back and relax while Tommy Chong bought every goddamn ad on Twitter. You know, congrats, beer companies. You lost to that well known, super ambitious, type a hard working go getter, Tommy Chong. Now, weed and alcohol aside, the larger issue is that maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't be depending on all these substances in the first place. You know, life is much better when you're sober and we can really feel everything authentically. That's an epiphany I had on my weekly ayahuasca voyage. So. Let's take a moment to talk about marijuana, AKA weed, chronic, the Devil's kale, George W. Kush, whatever you call it. Weed is becoming more and more mainstream in America and is now legal in some form in 37 states. And while most people have to head to a specialized dispensary to pick up some rocky broccoli in Florida, soon you'll be able to get it. While you're running your usual errands, you can soon buy weed at the gas station. Circle K. Convenience stores in Florida will start selling cannabis next year. They hope it will make marijuana more mainstream. Customers will need special cards, though, to buy their weed. Florida only allows medical marijuana sales. But, hey, stop by the old corner store, pick up some weed and fill up your tank. Stop by the old corner store, pick up some weed and fill up your tank. That's right. Florida is becoming the first state in the country to sell weed at gas stations. And I know some people think, you know, they don't think that weed should be this easily accessible. But. But let's be honest. It's probably gonna be the healthiest thing that you're selling at a gas station. Yeah. Now you're just gonna reach past the Slim Jims and the unregulated boner pills, and you can find something with some actual nutrients. You know, the thing that surprised me about this story is that it's happening in Florida. You have to admit. You have to admit, people. Florida has range, you know? Yeah. Sometimes it's all crt, turn my kids trans, let's deport the illegals. And then at other times, it's like, well, what if every oil change came with a free blunt? State has so many layers. And we should appreciate that before they all get washed away into the ocean. For more on this story, we now go live to Desi Lydic, who is at a Circle K in Tallahassee, Florida. Desi Lydic, everybody. Desi, this seems like such a momentous moment. Are. Are customers at the gas station excited about this new development? Yeah, yeah. The what? The development? Uh, yes. Um, the news about gas stations in Florida selling weed. It's the story that we sent you down there to cover. Oh, okay. I was trying to remember what I came here for. Hold on. Desi, are you. Is that gas that you're spraying everywhere? What is that? Oh, I guess so. Yeah. I was filling up my tank right over there, and then you called, and I was like, oh, shit, Trevor's calling me. I gotta do tv, so. And then that's why I'm at the gas station. No, no, you're at the gas station to cover the story about them selling weed. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, they're selling weed right over there. Desi. Desi. Jesus. Stop spraying the gasoline everywhere. What is wrong? Desi, have you been smoking weed? What? No. Oh, my God. Trevor, I'm at work. That would be so unprofessional. Okay, all right, good. Cause it just seems like you. Oh, wait. Maybe I have been smoking weed. Is that a joint? Wait, Desi, no. Don't. Desi, don't do that. Desi. Oh, shit. Desi, are you. Oh, wow. Oh, thank God. God damn, this weed hits hard. All right, we're calling a cap for you, Desi Lydic, everybody. Firestone Complete Auto Care Spring Tire Spectacular is here, and it's time to get in on some serious savings. Get up to $300 in savings when you buy four eligible Bridgestone or Firestone tires. Firestone Complete Auto Care book now@firestoneauto.com conditions apply. See store for details. When you think of New York City, you think of shopping and getting stabbed on the subway, but also shopping. So this week, I checked out the latest product to hit the shelves in this. Great. Check it out. Hey, y', all, it's your old pal Sarah Silverman. And I'm back in New York City, where now weed is so legal. They have stores. Stores with weed. I mean, what is this, 23 other states? Great. But could I find someone to smoke this fancy new legal weed with? Do you guys smoke pot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You buy it from the store now, or do you guys still. Are you loyal to your old dealers used to have go all around and, like, hey, I gotta text you a menu. So now you just go down the corner, and then there's, like, a store right there. I noticed a couple of you have walkie talkies. Is it for work? Yeah. Hey, this is Sarah Silverman. I just wanna let you know that Curtis has diarrhea and he might be a little bit late. Okay. Well, these guys didn't get stoner comedy, but maybe I'd find some bud buddies at one of the new licensed dispensaries, like the Union Square Travel Agency, where buying drugs feels like. Well, a little bit like making an app. The not so Genius Bar. So when New York legalized, they granted the first licenses. So people being formally incarcerated. I love it. When I first moved to New York City, the way I got weed was I call my dealer, get into his Toyota Yaris, and have to sit in his smelly car while I listen to his band's demo. And here. I mean, are you in a band? I'm not in A band. It's refreshing. Instead of dealers without professional boundaries, these new dispensaries have weed baristas, AKA bud tenders. I want the giggles and the creativity of a sativa with the feeling like I'm being held by like a 16 foot man, cradled like a baby. We have something for that. Really? We do. So what's your preferred method of consumption? Do you have anything that I can put up anally, like as a brilliant story of some kind of. Not with weed in it, just anything. Not here. Are you high right now? No. I'd like to speak to a manager, please. Non high weed dealers. What a strange new world. At least the customers were just like in the old days. What are you guys gonna do when you're high? We giggle, we laugh. We laugh. And do we get intimate? We get intimate and we get brownies. What's brownies? Is that kind of Susan, Some kind of sex euphemism? No. Oh, just an actual brownie. We're old fashioned. Just brownies. Yeah. Oh, that sounds good. That's right up my alley. Can I get high with you? Sure. When it's time to get intimate, you know, one of you guys will have to leave. Can we choose? We'll pick straws. And people aren't just using weed to enhance their eating and lovemaking. It helps with a lot of like anxiety or just like that nerve pushing button where you're just like, I don't want to talk to you anymore. It's like I feel like you smoke pot and you realize that nothing you're worried about matters. Yeah, I mean basically we're already dead. These users were so stoked on their legal weed, it seems like anyone could sell it to them. Notes of hickory. Like anyone at all. What, what ills are you trying to solve with drugs? I'm just looking to get higher than I've ever been. Yeah, just ultimate high. Yeah, we can do that with this. That's gonna be $738 for an ace. It is expensive, but it is cheaper than therapy. All in all, it's crazy to think that something you can buy now for a lot of money in a fancy store used to get people sent to prison. And many are still there. There are people here that were put in prison for weed crime. Yeah. It would be great if there was a radical exchange of wealth with people who have served time for something that politicians are making millions from now. Absolutely. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm stoned. I still hadn't found anyone to smoke with besides the horny brownie lovers. But as usual, New York City didn't let me down. This is crazy. We're actually doing a story about people. People smoking weed in New York. Yeah, I'm smoking weed in New York right now. That's crazy. And you're doing it. What kind of weed is this? So this is like sativa. It's a cookies blend. You know, classic. But I get it from a smoke shop. You get it illegally from a deli? Well, from a smoke shop, you gotta be careful with what you get. Yeah, yeah. My guy showed me photos of where he grows and stuff, so I. Can I trust him? Yeah, he has a picture of it. It's definitely true. Which led me to address the most serious question that this issue had raised. I've got a dog at home. Like, do you think she loves me, or do you think it's just, like, I'm the person that feeds her, so she just plays ball? Your dog is love, and that might be what you need. And even if it's not directed to you, that's the love you got. Like, that's your dog. You know what I mean? So does it matter? I guess it doesn't really matter whether you get your weed from a fancy dispensary or. Or as part of some tragically misguided drug war. As long as you smoke it with a friend. My dog is love. I could cry that's so beautiful. Love. My dog is love. Love made a mess on the carpet and love cleaned that mess up. It's all love. Canada. Or as Americans know it, plan B. It's a country many Americans envy for its universal healthcare and handsome, not crazy leader. And as of today, Canada's Prime Minister isn't the only thing that's smoking. The maple leaf is turning green. Starting today, Canada, our neighbor to the north, becomes one of two countries in the world to legalize marijuana for recreational use. Fulfilling the campaign promise made by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, Canada is now the biggest country to legalize marijuana, creating an industry worth more. More than $4 billion. Wow. Congratulations, Canada. This is great news for your economy. But it's also great news for all Canadians, because now Seth Rogen can finally try weed. This is fantastic. Honestly, I. I just assumed that they were already high all the time up there. I mean, have you seen their horses? What the. And. And I'm happy for Canada, but I'm not gonna lie. As someone who lives in New York City, this story pisses me off. All these places are getting legal weed before us, like Canada doesn't need weed. New York does. Right now there are angry people walking around New York screaming at each other like, hey, I'm walking over here. We need the weed. If the city legalized weed, they'd be like, hey, I was. I was doing something over. I don't know. You go. You go first. You go first. Today is ba ba ba ba ba. What day is today? Ah, April 20th. And that date, when written in numeric form, indicates that it's time for Uncle Johnny's super cush, totally chillaxed, sticky, icky, informative marijuana news report. What's up? What's up? I didn't have time to do the whole thing. And the. I honestly look like a rainbow haired Larry fine from the Three Stooges right now. 4:20, man. Best day of the year, my brother. Let's tune in and drop out and get totally baked on news. And there's one network that gets the groove that, that I'm grooving. It's 4:20, brah. Times are a changin'. I just legally purchased marijuana. A new movement is growing. One network, one groundbreaking event. It's 4:20. So grab your favorite munchies and get ready for a night you wouldn't expect on cnn. Yeah, like I always say, CNN is cool. Cool as. And I'm way ahead of you guys. I got the munchies all set. I got my Ben and Jerry's vanilla. Whoa. What? What? I got my Ben and Jerry's vanilla. Aficoman crunch. It's. It's basically lactate ice cream with real bits of matzah hidden right inside there. The good news is the more you eat it, the less matzo you have to deal with. All right, first up, weed three. Take it away, Sanjay. Feel goodpa. Hope he ties up all the loose ends from weeds 1 and 2. Could marijuana help save veterans? It seems to be helping her ptsd. Using marijuana to treat the symptoms of Alzheimer's. She says marijuana makes her nearly pain free. He was once suicidal, but Shawn now has hope. Hope that comes and from this plant. Well, you, me, C.N. i'm ready for weed stock, the whole thing. And you're giving me this? This is an actual news report? What, are you going to bore me with an economics lesson now? It has been over a year now since Colorado legalized recreational marijuana. In February, the state reported a $53 million tax revenue increased. This pot story isn't fun at all. It's all about disease and taxes. And what about free love? And hot boxing? And free love, hot boxing. Come on, guys. Get it together, dudes. What? Okay, lose the wig, Wavy Gravy. Which was a reference I don't even understand. Nobody knows what you're talking about. Hey, Jesse. Happy 420, you chilling Eelin'. Ew. Ew. Okay, stop. Enough, enough. I'm just grooving to the hash vibes. No, no, you're not. You're making everyone look bad. Pot isn't just for shirtless old dudes with bongos. It's a non addictive, proven, effective medical treatment that is now raising much needed tax revenue for, like, schools, libraries, and roads. Ooh, ooh, look at the Square. What? It's 4:20. Why can't we just sit back, hit the doob, and use a Pink Floyd gatefold album to sift out the seeds in our lid of skunk weed? What? What? I literally don't know what any of those words mean. Nobody uses record albums to sip their pot. Nobody owns record albums. I mean, like, I do because I'm cool, but what the hell is skunkweed? You know, skunkweed, Schwag. Schwag. What, like free T shirts? No, like bad weed. There's a such thing as bad weed? Uh, you know what? Never mind. Look, this is now John, and we don't smoke. We vape our scientifically cultivated medical grade buds that we had hand delivered using a phone app called Dankstagram. Which time's the delivery to show up? Precisely five minutes before our Thai food. It's great. I got a vape. I vape. Oh, really? Which one? You got G Pen? You got a Pax? I believe it's a Vix. It's a vaporizer. It's not a. I add some albuterol sometimes if my allergies are kicking it out. You know, pollen in the maisie. Come on. And John, you make me so sad. I love you. She's awesome. But even with all marijuana's proven benefits, there's always one guy who's got to be a total narc. Governor Chris Christie says if he becomes president, he will crack down on states that allow the sale of marijuana. Marijuana is a gateway drug. We have an enormous addiction problem in this country. Marijuana is an illegal drug under federal law, and the states should not be permitted to sell it and profit from it. You heard the man. Hey, let the man be ideologically consistent, or at least appear that way. No Christie administration will tolerate, let alone raise revenue from anything addictive or that federal law disapproves of. Roll the tape. Chris Christie is the guy that signed into Law to legalize Internet gambling. He claims legalizing sports gambling would add a new source of cash for his state. Well, there is a difference though. To be fair, if you smoke too much pot, no one comes to break your knees. But there was one other issue. Burning up ballots in several states. Actually, hang on a second, let me just. Okay, yeah, here we go. Roll the clip. Voters in Washington state and Colorado approved ballot initiatives legalizing marijuana for recreational. You. I know my audience. That's just sad. That's the most excited I've seen them all day. Two states voted to decriminalize marijuana use for recreation. No more prescriptions for acute sporadic social anxiety disorder. The news brought mixed reaction starting in the consumer enthusiast community. It means I'm going to smoke a lot of weed tonight. Yes. And by the way, what would it mean if you had lost the referendum? It means I'm gonna smoke a lot of weed tonight. Woo. And what would it mean if the Broncos beat the Panthers on Sunday? It means I'm gonna smoke a lot of weed tonight. Woo. What would it mean if gravity was still in effect on earth? It means I'm gonna smoke a lot of wind tonight. He's consistent within the media. It was a tale of two anchors. I'm going to play you both anchors discussing the story. See if you can find the narc. The governor of Colorado, he issued a statement today saying it's still illegal in the eyes of federal law. So pot smokers shouldn't break out the cheetos or goldfish too quickly. Now I'm sure that pot smokers know what he meant there. I guess they don't have entenmens out there. I'm just going to take a guess. I've heard the term munchies before. Maybe that's what happens. What happened to Malamars? Is that no good anymore? Look at Williams. Williams is going full metal stoner on this. Lester, have you heard anything about getting two Legos and putting some ice cream between those things? And just so the narc is clearly not Brian Williams. Or maybe it is. We won't know until we see his competition. What do we say to the parents and kids? And that's a whole nother debate. What's to keep somebody from getting all potted up on weed and then getting behind the wheel? I believe we have our narc. Come on, Steve, be cool. It's weeded up on pot. I just imagine him in high school. Hey guys. What are you. Are you guys potting up? But the most amazing thing about this story is how Much. Just talking about a marijuana story gives news anchors the giggles. Colorado is about to give new meaning to the term Rocky Mountain High. It's been a good night for pot smokers. There were several. There were several initiatives on the ballot. What states have gone to pot there, William? High times in Colorado. They're getting high, Rocky Mountain style. Cheech and Chong, rejoice. Dude, where's my pot? Our kids are gonna have the two bong hit lunch. Whatever a bong is. They might end up doing that anyways. Yeah, what's a bong anyway? Did you hear her? What's a bong? Of course she doesn't know what a bong is. She works on Wall Street. If you can't sniff it off a hooker's teat, it ain't worth knowing about. But actually, the legalization of marijuana is a serious issue, and it's got major ramifications for America's failed war on drugs. For more, we go to senior legal analyst Al Matrigal. Al, take us through the new law and what this means. John, I'm here in the Mile High city capital of what just became the Mile High State, whatever that means. All this pot jargon is foreign to me. Pass the duchy on the left hand side. I mean, why don't they pass the duchy on the right hand side? I don't know. I've never smoked pot. It's nice. Al, settle down with the wordplay and just tell us about the referendum. Fine. We'll do it your way. As of Tuesday in Colorado, you can now carry without penalty, up to an ounce of recreational marijuana, however much that is. I don't know, is that a lot? I don't smoke pot. Or have a basic understanding of second grade level weights and measures. Well, I can tell you how much an ounce is. It's enough to send you to jail for up to five years in Florida. Sounds like Florida could use a referendum of their own since they can't vote with a felony conviction on the records, whatever that means. Munchies, Cottonmouth, Pink Floyd. You know, Alice, it's not funny. These anchors, they're making a joke about pot. And it's kind of cute how they used to smoke pot, but now they don't. Even though nearly half of American teenagers have smoked pot, but only certain ones get arrested and have their lives ruined. Disproportionately hurts people of color. Have you read the incarceration stats for simple possession for people of color? Have you? Yeah, but have you read those incarceration stats on weed? Yes, I know. I Was in half baked. Yes, it's nice. Look, we spend 8 billion tax dollars a year locking people up for just marijuana. Very true. In fact, I met two victims of these draconian laws. All right, good. Now we're good. Non violent offenders brutally arrested for toking just a teeny bit of Labrador, which I'm guessing is some sort of narcotic. I wouldn't know. You know, there's no way that you're gonna cover this story seriously, is there? Look, this is how we do TV news, John. Do you want a well researched report on climate change or do you want footage of me in a windbreaker on the beach clinging to a lamppost while waves tickle me ass, huh? Lamppost. Damn right you want the lamppost. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to join some guys for a vaporizer session, which I believe is a new way of getting potted up. Well, thank you very much, Al. Listen, if you watched the show for the past couple of weeks, you know, I've talked a bit about Governor Cuomo in New York. His plan to decriminalize small amounts of marijuana so you would be permitted to carry up to 25 grams for personal use without getting arrested. To remind you, 25 grams is about. Was enough to fill this. Was enough to fill this large soda. What? I think we must have mice here because it was up to here and there were like five bags of Doritos around here and they're all. That's fine, never mind, I'll just. Just to show you. Let me just get that as we go through. So by the way, I don't know if you can tell this is labeled so that I know anyway, so I just want to refill it up to show you like what would be legal, you know. Governor Cuomo today confirming that his proposal to decriminalize small amounts of marijuana is dead. It went up in smoke following opposition in the Republican controlled state Senate. Excuse me just one second. Probably wondering why I have a toilet under there seeing as the show's 22 minutes long. Hey man, I'm not Superman. Look, here's the crazy part. This bill is dead in New York, but in New Jersey, the state assembly voted Monday to decriminalize 15 grams of pot. But their governor doesn't want to do it. Governor Chris Christie says he's going to veto it. This is not something that he is in support of. You know what this means, people? We're a gov swap away from making the Garden State the holy. Look at that. Garden State. I don't think it'd be too hard to get either one of these guys to, like, touch a skull or get drunk and pee into a fountain and do the whole soul switch. And what's the deal with vetoing this? Chris Christie, I thought you were cool, man. The federal government, whether you agree or disagree, still says that marijuana is an illegal drug. I don't think the state should be in the business of undercutting the federal government on that policy. All right, well, you know what? As much as I disagree, I don't think marijuana should be illegal, but it is illegal on the federal level. Christie is a former prosecutor, man of conviction. A principal doesn't believe that the state should supersede federal law. We intend to go forward and allow sports gambling to happen. If someone wants to stop us, then they'll have to take action to try to stop us. What the. Wait. How did Governor Geist stop smoking pot if he gave you law? Just go Dirty Harry on ignoring the federal ban on sports gambling. What's the difference between the two? I don't think any of us are are of the illusion that betting on NFL games isn't happening every week in New Jersey. Okay, I have an idea. Let's replace the phrase betting on NFL games with the phrase getting high. Different how? That may have been a different feeling 30 or 40 years ago, but the fact is now gaming is everywhere. Let's replace the word gaming with the phrase getting high. Still not seeing why challenging federal law for gambling is okay. Challenging it for pot is not okay. Let's have the people who benefit from it be the people of the state of New Jersey, not criminal organizations across New Jersey who are benefiting from it now. Okay, well, let's replace. Actually, you don't need to replace any words in that for it to be a justification to decriminalize marijuana. I know how to fix this, Governor. Sports betting and weed are not as different as you might think. Clearly, gaming is your thing. It's cool. So here's what I'd like you to do. Why don't you just think of using marijuana as betting? You're going to have a better day. But, you know, Chris Christie is hardly Chris Christie. He's hardly the only politician to figure out that marijuana can be hazardous to your career. Wyatt Sinak has more. The Obama administration has made its views about the war on drugs exceptionally clear. Marijuana advocates accused the Obama administration of cracking down more on medical marijuana than George Bush ever did. Raids and other tactics have forced as many as 200 growers and distributors to cease Operations. Which is interesting, considering a new biography that reveals details about Obama's youth. Some of his buddies had what they called the Chum Gang, which basically was, you know, basketball and smoking dope. Obama was a stoner. Surely this must outrage those who revere the office of the presidency. People like presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin. A rebellious streak in a potential president is a very healthy thing. And especially something like the Chumgang, which was fun. And that's just fine. Some have made the argument that this may seem hypocritical of the president. You're a very different position once you're president versus a teenager who's enjoying a weed. Armed with their insight, I assembled a panel of young and not so young potential presidents, all boasting a healthy rebellious streak. But could these tumors handle the day to day challenges that a president must face? You're meeting with the leader of Russia. How do you get him to assist with the conflict in Syria? What conflict? You know what? We'll skip that question. We'll skip it. That's fine. Europe's economy is on the brink. How do you. Keith, really? Really, right now? It's not all right? No, it's not all right. I'm asking you questions. Just one. You said one. Put it down. How do you avert a meltdown of the Eurozone, Keith? Their economy's on the brink. Um. Bomb it. You know what? Eat your chips. Just eat your chips. I needed help, so I brought in Rob Campia, a Washington political expert, to groom some of these potential presidents. It's useful to pick one issue that overrides some of the other issues that you'll be running on. For instance, with Obama, health care was his signature issue panel. What would your signature issue be? I would probably throw a concert on the White House lawn. John. Um, all right, I'm gonna tell you like this. There's three types of weed. You got your sour, your kush, and your pif. So your platform is that there are three different types of weed? Yes. Yes. Actually. Is there anything that strikes you as presidential about them? I mean, Morgan's had some good ideas. Rick, where the is Rick? Rick. Rick. What the are you doing? Stop playing with the camera. Get back to your seat, man. Let's focus, guys. What are your thoughts about the conflict in Afghanistan? I would just say. Cam. Why can't we just be friends? No, don't sing. Do not sing a song. That is a good song. Do not. Why can't we. Do not sing a song. Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? I can tell you why. Cause you're all a bunch of stoners. They were hopeless. You guys don't have what it takes to be president. You, though, seem like you know what you're talking about. How about you? Well, you know, my problem is that I was arrested and put in jail for three months for growing some marijuana. And then I got two conspiracy charges for because I had two roommates that were living with me. That's messed up. I have three felonies on my record. Now. Hold on for one second. Quick question. Have any presidents ever been elected with a felony on their record? Not that I know of. This guy got busted and he now can't be president. Well, it sucks for this guy. He got caught. Obama didn't. I gotta be honest. It's not looking good for you to be president. Yes, I know. Even though Obama and I did the same thing at the same age, the difference is that I actually spent three months in jail. So it sounds like what you're saying is when it comes to this issue, the president's not a kind bud. Where did you go? Guys? Really, where are you? Hello? Come on, guys. You know what? None of you are gonna be present. All right, we're done. Are we cut? Good quiet snack. We'll be right back. From sauce to dust to nuggets, it's Taco Bell's new Diablo Dust Crispy Chicken Nuggets. Are they mild? If they were mild, we'd have to change the name to Little Rascal Nuggets or Minor Nuisance Nuggets. Definitely Diablo New Diablo Dusted Crispy Chicken nuggets. A brand new classic only at Taco bell. At participating U.S. taco Bell locations for a limited time. And while supplies last, starting a business can seem like a daunting task unless you have a partner like Shopify, they have the tools you need to start and grow your business. From designing a website to marketing to selling and beyond, Shopify can help with everything you need. There's a reason millions of companies like Mattel, Heinz and Allbirds continue to trust and use them. With Shopify on your side, turn your big business idea into sign up for your $1 per month trial@shopify.com specialoffer. Our next health story should be of particular teen viewers who suffer from crippling glaucoma. For centuries, marijuana has been used as a self prescribed remedy for the terminal disease known as being alive. But last week, the Supreme Court heard arguments as to whether state initiatives permitting the drug to be used medicinally violate federal law. It's a case that figures to settle once and for all the legality of medical marijuana and thereby affect the lives of no fewer than.0001% of American marijuana smokers. The federal government maintains, however, that marijuana, or as it's known on the street, funny pot cigarettes, is illegal, period. And has severely criticized prescribing the drug to those freewheeling long haired hippie AIDS and cancer patients just trying to score a free high off Uncle Sam. Those people are sick. Seriously, they're sick and they need help. Robert McGinnis of the family Research Council has come out strongly against medical marijuana. I don't deny that sick people who have been using it for a long time feel better after using this because they get high. And when you get high, you feel better. Robert McGuinness. Speaking out strongly and poorly against marijuana. Medical marijuana, which is a miracle. Now the upcoming Supreme Court debate could even be a hotter button issue than Americans not sleeping enough. That's why it's the subject of tonight's even Steven, you've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like up your own ass. Tonight's topic. Should medical marijuana be legalized? Yes. No. Yes. The medical marijuana initiatives in California and New Mexico were approved by the voters solely to help seriously ill patients for whom marijuana offers the only relief from pain. Who could deny an 80 year old woman a moment of respite from her tortured existence? But I suppose there are a few sick individuals out there who get off on other people's suffering. Stephen. Far out, Steve. Groovy point man. You're blowing my mind. Face it, you and your doctor dopes are just hiding behind grandma's oxygen tent. The real reason you're pushing pro pot legislation is so you can suck on a tie stick and watch the walls begin to pulse and breathe. And now that you've duped a few misguided state legislatures, I'm sure we can all look forward to you coming down with a conven case of glaucoma real soon. This marijuana is medicine, Steven. I'm pro people, not pro pot. Oh, come on, Steve. You love ganja and the exhilarating rush of freedom and the heightened textural sensations it gives you. Whereas I wouldn't know where to start looking for a dime bag. I'm sure you've got great connections, so let me in on the dirty little secret. Steve. Where do you get your pot? Stephen, just because I support medical marijuana, it's ludicrous to imply that I'm a dope fiend. That's like saying because I support the repeal of the marriage tax penalty that I'm into wife swapping. Don't change the subject, Steve. You know exactly where I can get my hands on some really deep chronic, don't you? Let's get back to my wife swapping metaphor. Fine, let's. What you're suggesting about my access to sweet Malaysian skunk weed is just as ridiculous as if I said, hey, Stephen Colbert, why don't you and your wife come over some night this week and we can exchange partners? Would that idea appeal to you? I don't know, Steve. Would we be high? I don't know. Would you bring the dope? Steve, Steve, you're not listening to my argument. My argument is that if, for instance, I tried to buy pot, I couldn't get any, but I think you could get me some. You're not listening, Stephen. You're in a fantasy world where I smoke pot and could get my hands on some very kind buds. But we would be wife swapping this Friday. Have I made myself clear? Clear as crystal, Steve. But let me see if I can just recap your really twisted argument. You're saying that if we were to enter into some bizarre love quadrangle, you'd be supplying the weed? Yes. Okay, that's sounds perfect. Great. I'm Stephen Colbert. And I'm Steve Carell, and this has been even Steven. Should we bring anything? Yeah, a bottle of wine would be nice. Research Monkeys become addicted to marijuana. Their desperate parents plea for them to just say, wah, ha ha ha ha. If you go to the zoo and see a gibbon in a beret reciting Ginsburg's howl over the wail of a Coltrane 78. You're not high. The monkey is. A new study released earlier in the week reports that monkeys will repeatedly dose themselves with thc, the active ingredient in marijuana, if given the chance. Researchers found that squirrel monkeys repeatedly pushed a lever to self administer THC through injection, though in all fairness, an earlier study had given all of the monkeys glaucoma. According to the scientists, the monkeys didn't show any sign of being sedated by the drug, though they did show signs of paranoia, claiming they felt like they were in cages while being watched by men in lab coats. Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month, of course, if you enjoy overpaying. No judgments. But that's weird. 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