TDS Time Machine | America 250

Summary

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The Daily Show: Ears Edition

TDS Time Machine | America 250

Aired: July 3, 2026
Host: Jon Stewart & The Daily Show News Team

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Episode Overview

This special edition of The Daily Show dives into America’s 250th birthday, exploring the ways the country is choosing to celebrate its semiquincentennial amid a hyper-politicized, Trump-centric era. Through signature comedic tone, the episode satirically critiques President Trump’s self-aggrandizing party planning, the odd spectacle of a UFC fight on the White House lawn, time capsule pessimism, fraught anniversary concerts, and even reflects nostalgically on the Dream Team basketball squad as one of America’s last unimpeachable wins.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

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1. A Satirical Ode to America at 250

(01:17–08:35)

• Nick Offerman kicks off “In My Opinion” with a comedic tribute to America’s 250th birthday, echoing the tone of a love letter—but with barbs aimed directly at Trump’s hijacking of the celebrations.
• Offerman lampoons:
  • Trump’s promise to host “the most spectacular birthday party the world has ever seen.”
  • Trump’s face and signature appearing on commemorative coins, dollar bills, and even national park passes, poking fun at the narcissism (03:49).
  • The plan for a giant “Arc de Trump” in D.C., as well as a White House UFC fight, evoking imagery of ancient Rome and its declining empire.
• Memorable quote:
  • “A coin with Donald Trump's face. Finally, a way to lose the respect of a gumball machine.” —Nick Offerman (04:23)
  • “Bloodsports for the entertainment of a Caesar is not a show of strength. It's literally the first sign of a declining empire.” —Nick Offerman (06:48)
• Advice to audience: Celebrate meaningfully with reenactments, natural beauty… or even “a loving patriotic three way with America,” in true Offerman style.

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2. UFC 250 on the White House Lawn: Bread, Circuses, and National Identity

(10:45–16:31; 34:21–39:19)

• The show sends correspondents to cover Trump’s UFC “Freedom 250” fight event held on the White House lawn, an absurdist spectacle featuring BMX jumps and fighter jets alongside MMA bouts.
• On-the-ground interviews reveal public enthusiasm tinged with irony and nostalgia for more peaceful, unifying celebrations (such as the 1976 bicentennial).
• Parallels are drawn between Roman gladiatorial games (“the emperor has given us bread and circus”) and America’s hunger for spectacle over substance (13:46–14:04).
• Satirical debates erupt over hypothetical match-ups: Trump vs. Obama in the octagon, or the inner turmoil of JD Vance (14:35–15:11).
• Cringe-worthy moments: QAnon-style heckling (“Michelle Obama is a man”—15:31, 38:29).
• Memorable quotes:
  • “Is it sort of like our Coliseum? ... The emperor has given us bread and circus. Or monster drinks and circus.” —Stewart & interviewees (13:53)
  • “We go from teamwork at the Garden to a joyless Vegas-style trudge through the People’s house, now transformed into a gold-plated pummeling center.” —Jon Stewart (35:23)

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3. America’s 250th Concert Fiasco: Who Wants to Play for Trump?

(16:31–21:13)

• The planned “Freedom 250” concert is rapidly abandoned by high-profile musical acts, leaving only Vanilla Ice and C+C Music Factory as headliners.
• Freedom Williams (C+C) delivers an unhinged, expletive-laden video rant about capitalism, politics, and not giving a damn—capping it off with an outlandish hypothetical about performing in North Korea with Kim “El June.”
• Lauging at the fact that many of the remaining acts are booked by “Jeff Epstein” (not that Jeff Epstein),
• Memorable quotes:
  • “The day I let you mother****ers tell me what to do is the day I die.” —Freedom Williams (18:40)
  • “Sht, you keep pushing me, I’ll do the motherfing show in North Korea, pissing on an American flag, smoking a Cuban cigar, drinking Venezuelan wine, playing golf with motherfing Kim El June with an Iranian btch on my lap while Trump’s standing there with his d*ck in his hand. Everybody dance.” —Freedom Williams (19:59)

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4. What Should America’s 2026 Time Capsule Contain? (Hint: It’s Not All Optimism)

(25:24–29:44)

• Congress proposes a time capsule for the semiquincentennial. Correspondent Troy Iwata canvasses ordinary Americans about what object best represents the country in 2026.
• Suggestions are deeply cynical: piles of feces, Lena Dunham’s memoir, headshots, and “an apology letter” to the future for the state of the country.
• Jokes underscore a sense of aimlessness, anxiety over American decline, and nostalgia.
• Notable exchanges:
  • “I was thinking like a pile of shit maybe.” (26:38)
  • “There was a picture of a burning cybertruck in front of Trump Tower. I figured that quite encapsulates a few things.” (27:04)
  • “In 250 years, America might be a desolate wasteland. So maybe we should put some, like, survival gear... A gun with a single bullet just off the top of my head.” (28:36)
  • The “apology letter” segment (29:07–29:44) veers between dark humor and resignation:
    • “Dear future Americans... We're sorry that we made mistakes... We used to have trees. Hopefully you still have them.”

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5. Trump’s Unauthorized Arch and Revisiting America’s Past Glories

(29:56–33:22)

• Trump pushes forward with plans to build a giant arch in D.C. without congressional approval, using archaic legal loopholes (30:17).
• The episode lampoons this disregard for process, contrasting Trump’s priorities (“ballroom, reflecting pool, and an arch—all stuff that was not on our Amazon wishlist. America asked for health care, goddammit.” —Jon Stewart, 29:56).
• The staff fondly recalls the 1992 Olympic basketball Dream Team as one of the few unifying, non-problematic chapters in American history (31:06–33:22).
• Memorable quote:
  • “The Dream Team has no dark past to revisit, no statues to tear down. Just absolute dominance by the greatest basketball players of all time. And Christian Laettner.” (32:12)

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6. Satirical Reflections on Heartland vs. Urban America

(39:19–41:15)

• Stewart challenges the invention of a divide between “real America” and city dwellers, mocking stereotypes about elites and heartland values.
• The real division, he argues, is “between people anywhere who find joy in community versus those who seem to only find it in fealty.” (41:15)
• New York is painted as more filled with “real Americans” striving and struggling than entire sparsely populated states.
• The closing remarks display Stewart’s classic deadpan, championing accidental acts of community over sycophancy.
• Memorable quote:
  • “If being a real American means sacrificing and working your ass off to try and achieve the dream of a better life for your children, no Americans are more real than New Yorkers.” —Jon Stewart (40:05)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments with Timestamps

• On Trump’s self-celebratory birthday party:
  • “Hang on. Perhaps I am rushing to judgment. We can only hope Trump puts as much love into America's birthday as he would for Jeffrey Epstein's.” —Nick Offerman (02:34)
• On “Arc de Trump”:
  • “He wants it to be the biggest arch in the world, 250ft tall, to honor the country's 250th anniversary.” —News Voice (06:08)
• On White House UFC Fights:
  • “What in the name of Caligula's is happening? Bloodsports for the entertainment of a Caesar is not a show of strength.” —Nick Offerman (06:48)
• Crowd at the White House:
  • “We're all 10 year olds at heart, right?” —Attendee (12:48)
• Satire of Division:
  • “New York's a hard place to live, man... 10 pounds of people in a 5 pound bag... But that's why weekends like the one we just had are all the more magical.” —Jon Stewart (41:15)
• Cynicism on Time Capsule:
  • “...the best thing to put in this time capsule is an apology letter for the state we left the country in.” —Troy Iwata (29:07)
• Reflecting on the Dream Team:
  • “Americans must forever reckon with stealing the lands of indigenous people. But we'll never have to apologize for Barkley stealing the rock four times against Brazil.” —Correspondent (31:12)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | Description | |-----------|--------------------------------------|-----------------------------------------------| | 01:17 | “In My Opinion” — Offerman’s intro | Kicks off the America 250 critique | | 03:49 | Trump’s face on coins and passes | Satire on self-promotion | | 06:08 | “Arc de Trump” and UFC at White House| Outlandish party planning | | 10:45 | Coverage of White House UFC Fight | Interviews with “fans”, absurdity | | 13:53 | “Bread and circus”/Roman analogies | Gladiator parallels, crowd perspective | | 16:31 | Concert Fiasco | Performer dropouts, Freedom Williams’ rant | | 19:59 | C+C Music Factory’s uncensored take | Rambling, anarchic artist video message | | 25:24 | Time Capsule Segment | On-the-street interviews, grim humor | | 29:56 | Trump’s Unauthorized Arch | Legal loopholes, “not on our wishlist” | | 31:06 | Dream Team Segment | Comic nostalgia, national pride | | 34:21 | Reflecting on right-wing reactions | Urban/rural division, NY vs. “real America” | | 41:15 | Stewart’s closing monologue | The true American divide: community vs fealty |

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Conclusion

This episode dissects America’s milestone birthday through biting satire—skewering Trump’s over-the-top commemorative stunts, the cultural divide in how America celebrates itself, and the public’s own cynicism. At its core, The Daily Show laments America's retreat into superficial spectacle (UFC at the White House, vanity arches, time capsules filled with jokes), while affectionately championing moments of genuine togetherness (even if the best example is the '92 Dream Team). Through its classic wit and irreverent tone, the episode challenges the nation to look past empty pageantry and rediscover what—if anything—can still unite Americans.

Transcript

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[A]

You're listening to Comedy Central.

[E]

We all know I've got great opinions, but turns out I'm not the only one. Studies show that other people also have opinions. So here with another installment of in my Opinion is our good friend, Nick Offerman.

[A]

Hello, I'm velvet tongued carpenter Nick Offerman. Everyone knows it's important to remember the birthday of the one you love. And the one I love is America. Don't worry, my wife Megan knows and she's not not into it. And this year happens particularly big birthday for America.

[F]

Communities from sea to shining sea celebrating 250 years since the Declaration of Independence was signed proclaiming freedom from Great Britain and the birth of a new nation.

[A]

Happy birthday, America. Are you one? Are you two? Are you three? And so on. America's semiquincentennial is here and to throw its semi quinceanera. I hope we have a great party planner in my campaign for president. I pledge to give America the most spectacular birthday party the world has ever seen for America's 250th anniversary. Okay, sure, Trump, plan the party. It's not like you have anything else going on. Gas prices are hovering just below fury road levels. But have fun picking out the balloons. Hang on. Perhaps I am rushing to judgment. We can only hope Trump puts as much love into America's birthday as he would for Jeffrey Epstein's I abhor the message, but I do appreciate a handwritten card. Any asshole can go to Hallmark, but calligraphy shows you care. So how is the President going to show us he cares about America?

[F]

For the first time in American history, the signature of a sitting president will soon be featured on US Currency. The treasury announcing the decision to celebrate the nation's 250th birthday this summer. So saying President Trump's signature is not only appropriate, but also well deserved.

[A]

Signing the dollar bills. But Mr. President, how can you sign them all for that, you would need an auto pen. Fine, he can sign the money at least. It's just a signature and not his face.

[F]

President Trump's face could soon be on U.S. money. A commission handpicked by Trump himself has approved the design for 24 karat gold coin to commemorate America's 250th birthday.

[A]

Wow, a coin with Donald Trump's face. Finally, a way to lose the respect of a gumball machine. I'm not sure about that coin, but I'm really not sure about that pose. He looks like he's trying to pinch one out at a standing toilet, but okay. Okay, fine. I guess if it's just one coin.

[F]

The U.S. treasury is preparing to put President Trump on a $1 coin to commemorate America's 250th birthday.

[A]

Another coin? Mr. President, can you please stop putting your face on things? I keep in my front pocket inches from my genitals, as well as my back pocket inches from my butthole. You know, I would have assumed that the party theme for America's birthday would have been, I don't know, America. But I'm sensing from the party decorations that a different theme is emerging. The commemorative national park passes for our country's 250th anniversary feature an image of Donald Trump alongside one of George Washington. Oh, come on. Your face on the park passes. I go to national parks to get away from your face. And to see those idiot salmon swim in the wrong direction of the cat. They are so stupid. Okay, commemorative coins and park passes will come and go one day. They'll all be lost to time. At least nothing he's doing for America's birthday is permanent.

[F]

The President is proposing a permanent arch in Washington. It's being called the Arc de Trump. He wants it to be the biggest arch in the world, 250ft tall, to honor the country's 250th anniversary.

[D]

Small, medium, and large. And whichever one, they look good.

[A]

I happen to think the large looks by far the fastest? Can he play with his model replicas in the basement like a normal demented grandpa? Can we stop with these self aggrandizing celebrations like you're some Roman emperor. What's next? Gladiator Fights President Trump announced a UFC fight will take place at the White

[D]

House on June 14th.

[A]

This is what it will turn into for UFC with the octagon in the middle. What in the name of Caligula's is happening? Bloodsports for the entertainment of a Caesar is not a show of strength. It's literally the first sign of a declining empire. Number two, of course is starting a war in Persia. Oh shit. Look, it's pretty obvious that President Trump is making this 250th celebration about himself, but we can't let him. This is America's birthday. It's not about one man. It's about our country and its ideals. So forget the empty jingoistic posturing and find your own ways to patriotically party down. Go to historical reenactments. Or better yet, do your own. If you've never thrown tea into a harbor you you have not lived. Or get into a fist fight with an actual British person. Dibs on Cumberbatch.

[D]

Or hell, forget that.

[A]

Go into one of those national parks, celebrate America's natural beauty, and while you're there, get in your birthday suit and partake of some tasteful lovemaking with someone you care about. Dibs on Cumberbatch. My point is, technically you will be having a loving patriotic three way with America and that is how you celebrate a birthday. But that's just my opinion.

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[E]

As America's counting down to the big 250, Trump has been hard at work renovating the place and he's maybe cutting a few corners. But this past weekend was flag Day, so Trump had to party. It was also his birthday, so he threw the classiest of celebrations. He had BMX jumps, birds of Prey, fighter jets, and one big UFC fight on the White House lawn. And I traveled to our capitol to tap in for the fun.

[A]

Happy 250th, baby. USC 250.

[E]

You want people knocked out? You want people knocked out? 250, baby.

[C]

250.

[B]

250.

[A]

Here for the fight. Everybody's in a really positive attitude. They're happy to be here.

[E]

Dude.

[A]

Even the homeless here, they're cool, man. Yeah, dude, the homeless here are, like, clean, man.

[D]

They got like, outfits and shit.

[A]

They're like riding on scooters and shit.

[E]

Those aren't homeless people. Those are people who used to work for the federal government about a year ago. Why are you here? Freedom and beer.

[A]

My future ex wife, hopefully.

[E]

Thank you for your honesty. People just coming here because they want to see the American dream.

[A]

And this is it.

[E]

This is the American dream? This is the American dream. Two sweaty guys fighting on the White House lawn? Yeah, why not? Well, it feels like the American fever dream to me.

[A]

What a time to be alive, right? I'm up here with my daughter. I'm trying to embarrass her a lot. Yeah, she's trying to find a boyfriend.

[E]

She's trying to find a boyfriend. You brought her to a UFC fight. Exactly. God bless father of the year over here.

[A]

Fighters can always defend against my. Anybody trying to get after my daughter,

[E]

I'm pretty sure they can defend yeah. That's what they're known for, healthy masculinity. Yes.

[A]

So I was alive during the 1976 200th anniversary.

[E]

You were there 76, and I was there. Who fought then? Nobody fought then. What? Nobody fought then. Everybody loved each other. Everybody was shaking hands.

[A]

You need to just love each other.

[E]

Yeah. We need an act of peace. We need to put that on a stage so people can try to aspire to something.

[A]

Absolutely.

[E]

And we do that by finding some guys who just beat the shit out of each other.

[B]

Well, maybe.

[E]

If that's what it takes.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

It's a wonderful gift for a man who's been a fan of fighting since before the 1960s energy crisis. What do you think about Trump throwing a fight on his lawn on his birthday? It's like the most American birthday you can have. Oh, my God. There's guys jumping dirt bikes. There's guys fighting in the front yard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

This is like the best birthday a 10 year old could have.

[A]

We're all 10 year olds at heart, right?

[E]

We're all 10 year olds at heart. How many fights do you think he'll stay awake for inside?

[A]

Don't you hear? He's up 20 hours a day. He doesn't ever sleep.

[E]

But I do think he sleeps because we. We watch it on television. No, you watch them freeze frame the

[A]

camera when he blinks his eyes.

[E]

Okay. I mean, there's. Some of. Those are long camera phrases. No, no resting his eyes. He might rest his eyes. So for anyone not resting their eyes, what will this UFC 250 event actually look like? Who do you think's gonna win the big fight tonight?

[D]

My favorite fight is definitely prayer versus Scott, and I got prayer by knockout in three.

[E]

No, the big fight, I assume. The J6ers versus Capitol Police. Oh, is that not happening? My money's on Capitol Police, though. Always root for an underdog here. Of course, there is a very real historical precedent to spectacles like this.

[A]

Kind of going back to gladiators.

[E]

It does.

[A]

It feels gladiatorial. I mean, the Romans loved it, the Greeks loved it. Everybody loved some kind of gladiator.

[E]

Is it sort of like our Coliseum? We all come together? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. The emperor has given us bread and circus.

[C]

Yep.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah. Or monster drinks and circus. Yeah. Yeah. So which emperor is Trump? Is he like Nero?

[A]

Bro, he's like.

[C]

He's like Anakin Skywalker.

[A]

Not like Darth Vader.

[E]

Not like Darth Vader.

[C]

No.

[E]

Anakin, he had those authoritarian leanings, right?

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You know, he had some Power. And, you know, he knew how to use it. You know, with great power comes great responsibility.

[E]

Hell, yeah. That's exactly what Spider man said. He might be like Caligula.

[D]

It's true.

[E]

Caligula tried to get his horse voted into the Senate, I believe. I mean, Trump tried to get Mark Wayne Mullen in there. So maybe that's not a fair comparison because, I mean, I have seen horses count, so that's not a fair comparison. Yeah, but ancient rules don't matter because this crowd is still giving their champion a big thumbs up. How do you think Donald Trump would do in the Octagon?

[C]

Who is he fighting?

[E]

Barack Obama.

[C]

I think you'd win that.

[E]

You think Donald Trump would beat up Barack Obama?

[C]

How tall is Barack Obama?

[E]

Wingspan. I mean, is that really. We're gonna get that nitty gritty? You think it's gonna be that close? It comes down to that, man. Donald Trump is pooling blood at his ankles and falls asleep at MSG. Donald Trump versus Barack Obama, who wins? I don't know.

[F]

Trump's 80.

[E]

What about that?

[C]

White House medical people say he's in great shape.

[E]

So you trust that? Are you trusting them or are you trusting your eyes on this?

[A]

I don't know.

[E]

JD Vance pre ozempic thinking Donald Trump is Hitler versus JD Vance as Donald Trump's vice president. Who wins?

[A]

I. I'm still working on J.D.

[E]

vance. But you're not sure? No. Would you watch a J.D. vance fight fighting himself? If somebody tells me this fight is happening in his head all the time, it could be.

[C]

Mm.

[E]

As the combat sports event sponsored by American institutions like crypto.com and polymarket played out on our actual White House lawn, Viewers everywhere saw some of the uglier side of the culture.

[A]

Michelle Obama is a man.

[E]

I wondered, what does this say about America to the rest of the world?

[A]

I can understand the criticism. Like, I get what people are saying. You know, it looks bad on the country. Got a lot of countries that are

[E]

jealous because, well, some people see America as sort of like a land of boorish folks.

[A]

Yep.

[E]

Trashy, no class.

[A]

I don't think we're any more trashy than any other country. You know, like, I read something today. Oh, it's a big redneck yard sale.

[E]

You see that spins people.

[A]

Spins it.

[E]

There's people having a fight on a front yard in front of an open construction project with a guy who's bragging about an above ground pool, and somehow that feels trashy. Yeah. Do you have any fear that there's criticism that this is A little trashy? No. Hey, are any of us trashy?

[D]

Yeah, we're.

[E]

Oh, you are. Okay. Yeah. Self identified. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Happy birthday, Emperor Trump.

[D]

And then, man, I need good news. I need some, some good news. I need some relief. And I'll tell you why. Because as many of you know, that big Freedom 250 concert that I'd so been looking forward to, I think someone in the audience just died. The concert I've so been looking forward to has run into some problems.

[F]

6 Musical artists originally announced as performers now dropping out. Many citing political concerns. The Commodores, Martina McBride, Morris Day and the Time, rapper Young MC, and Poison frontman Bret Michaels.

[D]

Tough break. Although at this point, wouldn't he just be MC. Or brother? I feel you. I feel you. Or just like you're as young as you feel. MC60 is the new 40MC. Alright, but damn, they didn't want to be a part of Donald Trump's personal political concert. Is anyone still performing?

[E]

America is turning 250.

[A]

I'm super honored to do this concert with everybody.

[B]

We're going to bring back the 90s.

[D]

There you go. See, everybody dropped out, but not Vanilla Ice. Vanilla Ice didn't drop out. He saw a problem and yo, he solved it. He solved it. You should really check out his hook while this dj. All right, again, say what you want. Very likable fellow. And by the way, the other artist who said that they are not bailing is CNC Music Factory, who, as you know, were devastated by globalization and the offshoring of most of America's music factories. Their front man, Freedom Williams, had an interesting, I would say somewhat philosophical take on the issue of the intersection of performance and politics.

[A]

Y' all gonna make this pretty 60 year old unleash on you mother. I'm sitting on the toilet taking this sh.

[D]

Sir, if this is not a good time, we can certainly come back and discuss this later. But look, you know, let's not. Let's not focus on where he's making the video or his Katniss and Peeta fanfic shirt or the cottagecore wallpaper. Let's focus on the message.

[A]

The day I let you mother tell me what to do is the day I die.

[D]

All right? Pretty, pretty straightforward. You love this country. Critics be damned.

[A]

I don't give a. About 250 years of mother capitalism and death.

[D]

Maybe love was too strong a word. Why freedom would you do the show celebrating 250 years of mother capitalism and death.

[A]

Shit, you keep pushing me, I'll do the Mother show in North Korea, pissing on a American flag, smoking a Cuban cigar, drinking Venezuelan wine, playing golf with Mother Kim El June with an Iranian bitch on my lap while Trump's standing there with his in his hand. Everybody dance.

[D]

By the way, who's kim el joon? Is that like the mexican kim jong un? He might be my favorite person in the world, but by the way, if you thought Freda Williams ranting about our murderous nation and our president with his in his hand is the weirdest thing about how this concert is coming together, Guess again.

[A]

According to cnn, the concert lineup was heavily tilted toward legacy acts, and many of them share the same booking agent in Jeff Epstein of Universal Attractions.

[D]

Ta da. What the Jeff Epstein of Universal Attractions is in charge of, forgive me, recruiting talent for a Donald Trump party. That's what you're telling me. In planning our country's 250th birthday, somebody had to go into Donald Trump's office and say, I know just the guy. How bad do you feel for that guy? After years of being not that Epstein, he finally gets all of his acts booked. It's all coming up Epstein. And then the acts collapsed. He finally thought he was gonna get his happy his. But nope. Nope. Once again, they leave him hanging. They oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Too soon, too soon. I didn't know we had so many Epstein sympathizers in the room. A Jeffrey Epstein joke. How could you

[B]

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[F]

Time capsule is a great way to remember the past, but do Americans today want to be remembered? Troy Iwata Hit the streets to find out.

[C]

It's America's 250th birthday and our government is preserving this moment in a very special way.

[F]

As part of the celebration, Congress has mandated the creation of a time capsule. The Commission's Chairwoman, Rosie Rios says, quote, we want future generations to have a clear, authentic window into who we were at two.

[C]

So in 250 years, when future Americans open this time capsule, will they be jealous of the golden age we're currently living in? I'm asking present day patriots what they think now. Why is 2026 the best year in American history to preserve for future generations?

[F]

Because it's not.

[E]

Not really.

[A]

Oh well, I don't think it's the best year preserved for future generations. I would say it's not the best.

[E]

I'd say it's the worst.

[F]

Did you see how 2026 started?

[C]

Yes. Zendaya released like nine movies. What do you think we can put into this time capsule that's representing America in 2026, the height of American society?

[A]

I was thinking like a pile of shit maybe.

[C]

I think if somebody went and took

[F]

a shit right outside the White House, pick it up, put in a time capsule.

[C]

Oh, that's gross. Surely people have more positive ideas and less feces based ones. What do you think we should put in this time capsule?

[F]

Lena Dunham's new memoir. Lena Dunham's new memoir, Fame Sick.

[C]

That's a really good idea. The people of the future definitely need Lena Dunham's memoir, Fame Sick.

[A]

There was a picture of a burning

[E]

cybertruck in front of Trump Tower. I figured that quite encapsulates a few things.

[C]

What do you think is more important to put in the time capsule? This map that shows Canada, Greenland and Cuba still as independent countries or this Labubu?

[E]

This map right here?

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Because we don't know in 250 years

[C]

if they're still going to be independent. Well, we don't know if they're still going to be independent in 250 minutes. That's true. Labubus are forever. Okay. All the pessimism on the streets was starting to get to me and soon I found myself drinking the eatery. Is there an item that you think represents America that you would put in the time capsule?

[F]

I'm a teacher. Elementary. So a children's book.

[C]

It's funny that you think children might know how to read in 250 years. We've already lost cursive. What are some other items, maybe even from the Trump era that could go in there? Do you think RFK jr's brain worm would survive in there?

[F]

I do. I want a voice memo of him speaking. Just in general.

[C]

Do you think people in the future would know that that's a human speaking.

[F]

No.

[C]

Yeah, I know what I would put in the time capsule. I would put this.

[A]

This.

[C]

Yes. But I would also put this to show that I have range.

[F]

Looks like RFK's ringworm is like in your brain.

[C]

Thank you. But in 250 years, who will even be around to pull these headshots from the time capsule?

[F]

I don't know if there's going to be like a civilization to access it.

[A]

They're probably wearing hazmat suits and you

[C]

know, I mean, let's be honest, they'll probably bust this thing open in 65 years. In desperate search for food. What do you think America is going to look like in 250 years?

[F]

Oh, my God. They should split America in two.

[C]

We should segregate again. I mean, let's face it, in 250 years, America might be a desolate wasteland. So maybe we should put some, like, survival gear in this time capsule. Maybe fresh water, granola bars, A gun with a single bullet just off the top of my head. I'm an optimist and I used to be. Clearly, the best thing to put in this time capsule is an apology letter for the state we left the country in. Maybe we can all ride it together. Dear future Americans, Slash potential Chinese, potential Russian citizens. We're sorry that we made mistakes.

[A]

Yes, and I'm sorry that I have only attended two no Kings rallies so far. We used to have trees. Hopefully you still have them.

[E]

But if you don't, we're sorry that was on us.

[A]

We're sorry for not understanding each other.

[F]

Well, I'm sorry that my Zoloft prevents

[C]

me from making active change.

[F]

Honestly, Honestly, I just want to say

[E]

good luck, because y' all are gonna need it.

[A]

Things can get better.

[C]

Things can get better. We're not responsible for any of those things.

[E]

We may have made things worse, but.

[C]

All right, so how should we sign this?

[A]

Regretfully.

[C]

Regretfully. Americans of 2026 are bad.

[E]

America's 250th year birthday is right around the corner and President Trump is celebrating it with a ballroom, a reflecting pool and an arch. All stuff that was not on our Amazon wishlist. America asked for health care. Goddammit. We sent you a link and everything. Now, technically, Trump is not really allowed to build most of these things, but when has that ever stopped him?

[F]

The Washington Post is now reporting that the Trump administration is planning on building the arch without Congress's approval. The administration argues that it doesn't need Congress's approval because lawmakers a century ago authorized a somewhat similar project that was never built.

[E]

Man, I just can't figure this administration out. They're not looking for congressional approval for a war with Iran, but they have

[A]

lawyers going through all the old laws

[E]

doing a control fox for the word arch. How did they find this? I mean, but Trump isn't the only one commemorating America's birthday. We here at the Daily show are celebrating as well. And there are so many great moments in history to look back on. Although, when you think about it, maybe not as many as you think. American.

[A]

America's history is complicated. Our once proudest moments now problematic. Our triumphs morally gray milestones eroded by backlash. Our beloved heroes are now gross. But there's still one moment in American history that brings us all together. The 1992 Olympic basketball dream Team.

[C]

Bang.

[A]

The most incredible basketball players ever assembled. And also Christian Laettner. It's literally the last thing all Americans can look at and just say that was awesome. Boom shakalaka. Americans must forever reckon with stealing the lands of indigenous people. But we'll never have to apologize for Barkley stealing the rock four times against Brazil. Uno, dos, tres, Coopro. Walking on the moon now just reminds us of the conspiracy theories destroying the fabric of our nation. But how about this fabric? The big head T shirt of the Dream Team. Man, that shirt was cool. I had six of them. The end of the Cold War collapsed our political consensus. But the Dream Team collapsed everyone's defense. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this backboard. The Dream Team has no dark past to revisit, no statues to tear down. Just absolute dominance by the greatest basketball players of all time. And Christian Laettner, Were they perfect? Was their top competition Valderramas Komiis of Lithuania? Did some of them have a gambling problem? Did Michael Jordan's son end up dating Scottie Pippen's ex wife? Which sounds even weirder when you realize she must have known him as a baby. Well, shut the up, okay? Don't take this from us two. Just enjoy this American exceptionalism. So happy Birthday America. Thanks for the Dream Team, the one thing we all agree we can be proud of and Christian Laettner.

[C]

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Introducing Taco Bell's new Jalapeno Citrus Salsa

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Usually you add sauce to the food, but when the sauce is this good,

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[D]

Right wing media. You cannot tear us apart. Our mayor is Muslim. Our bagels are Jewish. Our Timothy's Chalamet Nixon 5. But you know, honestly. Look, man, some shit happened that wasn't great. The night was marred by some violence. I mean, what would you guys on the right rather be watching?

[E]

The White House is getting ready to rumble with ufc. Very excited to see this epic, epic day.

[A]

Hey, isn't that awesome?

[E]

Fight night.

[A]

I'm actually personally looking forward to it very, very much. I have a ticket plus one. My brother. I gotta tell you, I'm pumped. I feel like my life is gonna change this weekend.

[D]

Is that guy trying to his brother? I don't know what's going on here. Take my brother. They're probably gonna be holding on, which I don't know what's gonna happen. So you didn't care for New York's joyful night marred by a small amount of violence because it wasn't focused enough on the violence part? Yes. Sunday night gave the President and his acolytes an opportunity to rebut the joyous communion of teamwork that embodied the New York Knickerbockers for a joyless Vegas style trudge through the People's house, now transformed into a gold plated pummeling center where the gladiator's God was praised for his forbearance. And of course, nutsack shout out to

[E]

Trump for having the balls to put

[D]

some shit like this on. And if you were at home watching this, thinking to yourself, is this a parody? Are they filming Idiocracy? Next thing you know, they will be branding the cutaways to our country's Commander in chief.

[A]

I got to thank President Trump for making this happen.

[E]

This is unbelievable.

[A]

It takes such a special person to

[E]

be able to have the balls to do something like this. And I have so much respect for him.

[D]

Monster energy drink. Is that really cool? Are we now just taunting the old man? Pretty late night, Mr. President. Getting sleepy. Got an early negotiation in the morning.

[A]

I bet you're not man enough to

[D]

throw down a red, white and blue raspberry snazzler. Come on, bitch, snazzle your taint off. What a God awful mockery of an event that somehow managed to find a way to devalue both combat sports and our national dignity. Who even aired this embarrassing shit?

[A]

The event aired on Paramount Plus.

[D]

And what a fine event it was. Once once again, the leaders of Paramount plus providing us all with incredible content at reasonable prices. I Am proud to stand with the Paramount family and whatever shows they decide to either cancel or put on.

[A]

And lastly, Michelle Obama is a man.

[D]

Am I right, America? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. My God, what a asshole. You know what? I look forward to his performance on next week's Comics Unleashed. I'll let myself out. And by the way, if you thought this entire spectacle was inappropriate for something that takes place in the peripheral vision of Lincoln, well, that's a you problem.

[A]

Something that middle America, the average American, could connect with.

[F]

It's coming back to a sense of like we don't need the snobby elites anymore pretending they're too good for us.

[D]

Yeah, you know, the average American, they don't want their White House to stand for certain morals and values. The regular people in this country want their president to live in a slightly more violent Hooters or a slightly less violent Waffle House, But somehow those of us who live in the shithole parts of the country are the ones looking down on you.

[A]

They'd probably be having like a pride

[E]

show or something for 250th with half naked men.

[D]

Did you even watch? Did you even watch? Did you watch? God, I am so tired of this, you guys. Always trying to draw a distinction between the real America of the heartland and the elites in the big city. But it's never been true. If being a real American means sacrificing and working your ass off to try and achieve the dream of a better life for your children, no Americans are more real than New Yorkers. None of them. We have eight and a half million people here. There are probably more hardworking American value individuals in the liberal hellhole of New York City than exist in the entire states of Wyoming, Idaho and Mississippi combined. And yes, maybe 2 to 3% of those people are Spiderman, but still,

[A]

Most

[D]

New Yorkers don't go to the Met gala. And trust me, there are elites in the heartland too. I know for a fact Tulsa is ruled by kings. New York's a hard place to live, man. It's a hard city to live in. There's 100 different nationalities in a two block radius. 10 pounds of people in a five pound bag. And it's one of those bags that people should really use to clean up after their dogs. But they don't. They sometimes don't. But that's why weekends like the one we just had are all the more magical. Where you feel the joy and striving and hope and, let's face it, aroma of the people that you live really too close to the real division in America isn't between cities and rural areas or suburbs or heartland values and coastal elites, or liberals and conservatives. It's between people anywhere who find joy in community versus those who seem to only find it in fealty. And I know which America I want to occasionally step in. Dog shitting.

[A]

Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

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Fit for all Times.

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Ouch. This knee is killing me. But I can't stop training. The marathon is in two weeks. Let's get on ZocDoc and find a doctor to take a look at that for you. Okay, Here's a review. Dr. Craddock really takes his time. No, I don't have time. What about Dr. Charles? His patients say he can help find a quick fix and he's in network. Great. Now we're talking. Ah, book it. Booked. One mile down, 19 to go. Bring it on.

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You've got options.

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