TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee

Summary

Detailed Summary of "TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee"

Introduction and Medical Marijuana Debate

The episode begins with Jon Stewart (00:00) enthusiastically announcing his new podcast, "The Weekly Show," where he promises discussions on quirky topics like election economics and sandwich ingredient ratios. The conversation swiftly transitions to Stephen Colbert (00:18) introducing a satirical take on the ongoing debate over medical marijuana legalization. Colbert mocks the Supreme Court’s deliberations on whether state initiatives permitting medical marijuana infringe upon federal law (01:18), emphasizing the minimal impact on the population but highlighting the federal government's staunch opposition.

Steve Carell (02:15) interjects humorously, challenging the legitimacy of medical marijuana advocates by questioning their motives and implying they seek personal pleasure rather than genuine medical benefits. Colbert retorts by defending medical marijuana as a legitimate remedy, poking fun at opponents’ often hyperbolic arguments. Notable quotes include:

• Steve Carell [02:15]: "What's the weather like up your own ass?"
• Stephen Colbert [03:47]: "Just because I support medical marijuana, it's ludicrous to imply that I'm a dope fiend."

Slimming Down with Steve: Nutrition Segment

At [05:59], Stephen Colbert segues into a humorous segment titled "Slimming Down with Steve," where he portrays a character undergoing a comedic journey towards better nutrition. Hosted by nutritionist Miriam Pappo, Colbert’s character, Steve Lemon (06:00), candidly admits to his poor eating habits, listing an array of unhealthy foods with exaggerated disdain:

• Miriam Pappo [06:22]: "Just tell me if you've eaten these in the last week."
• Stephen Colbert [06:51]: "Do you use WD40? Usually peanut oil."

The segment parodies typical diet shows, culminating in a mock cooking demonstration of pasta primavera. The comedic highlight occurs when Colbert attempts to say grace before the meal, leading to a series of humorous mishaps:

• Stephen Colbert [08:21]: "Let's say grace first..."
• Jon Stewart [09:10]: "Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen."

Media Overflow Bus and Interview with John McCain

The episode shifts to a satirical portrayal of media coverage during a political campaign. Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart discuss their assignment to an "Overflow Bus," intended for less prominent media personnel, where they attempt to secure an interview with Senator John McCain (12:12). The mock interview is filled with failed attempts to ask substantive questions:

• Stephen Colbert [13:06]: "If I were a tree, I would be a..."
• John McCain [13:41]: "Okay, we're gone."

Jon Stewart criticizes Colbert’s ineffective political questioning, highlighting the comedic failure of the segment:

• Jon Stewart [14:04]: "It seemed like you had one shot to really ask a good solid political question and you froze up. You backed off."

Y2K and Pez Dispensers as Currency

In a parody of Y2K apocalypse fears, the show introduces Jim Presnall, a character who believes Pez dispensers will become the new currency post-Y2K (15:13). Colbert and McCain humorously test this theory at a pawn shop, questioning the practicality and value of Pez as a medium of exchange:

• John McCain [15:54]: "It's my theory that PEZ is the perfect solution for that."
• Stephen Colbert [16:21]: "Do you think that you're an idiot?"

The segment lampoons doomsday predictions and the absurdity of alternative currencies, culminating in Colbert’s sarcastic endorsement of Jim’s eccentric plan:

• Stephen Colbert [17:20]: "You've organized the Pez-a-Thon by gathering Pez heads from all over the world. Which of the following best describes you, Doofus or dorquad?"

Long Island Secession Discussion

A significant portion of the episode humorously addresses the idea of Long Island seceding from New York State. Miriam Pappo and a satirical John McCain debate the feasibility and implications of such a move (24:12). The discussion is rife with regional stereotypes and playful jabs:

• John McCain [25:06]: "Long Island's a melting pot. You got all these awesome Italian guys, beautiful Italian women, nice Italian food."
• Miriam Pappo [26:11]: "What state could you beat up? And please don't say Rhode Island or Connecticut because everybody knows those states are pussy states you name."

The segment humorously explores the logistical challenges of secession, including the selection of state symbols and the potential for conflict:

• John McCain [26:36]: "The state bird should just be flipping the birds."
• Miriam Pappo [27:28]: "Canada. Okay. We have. Okay."

Gender Roles and Masculinity Segment

In the later part of the episode, the show satirizes discussions around gender roles and the perceived crisis of masculinity in modern America. Sociologist Warren Farrell and Wayne Levine from the "Better Man" organization offer exaggerated takes on men's struggles in a changing societal landscape (19:22):

• Warren Farrell [19:53]: "It's a difficult time to be a man in America."
• Wayne Levine [21:15]: "We are about being available to each other and giving wisdom and guidance."

The conversation is filled with ironic humor and sharp wit, addressing topics like the decline of male dominance in the workforce and societal expectations. Miriam Pappo adds to the satire with sarcastic remarks about men’s roles and challenges:

• Miriam Pappo [22:47]: "So we need to give our sons permission to be puss wads."
• Warren Farrell [23:07]: "Almost every football team has cheerleaders... You don't ever see that happening."

The segment culminates in a humorous debate about the limitations and stereotypes faced by men, blending social commentary with comedic flair.

Closing

The episode concludes with Jon Stewart humorously re-promoting his podcast "The Weekly Show," reinforcing the episode’s satirical and comedic tone (28:38-31:14):

• Jon Stewart [28:38]: "Rick Santorum says women can't be in combat because they'll trigger men's chivalrous nature…"
• Stephen Colbert [31:14]: "Protect us, rape us. It's your choice. Two choices. Two choices only."

Conclusion

"The Daily Show: Ears Edition" episode titled "TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee" expertly weaves together a series of comedic segments that parody political discourse, societal issues, and cultural phenomena. Through sharp humor, character-driven sketches, and satirical takes on real-world topics, the episode engages listeners with both laughter and subtle reflections on contemporary matters.

Notable Quotes:

• Steve Carell [02:15]: "What's the weather like up your own ass?"
• Stephen Colbert [03:47]: "Just because I support medical marijuana, it's ludicrous to imply that I'm a dope fiend."
• Jon Stewart [14:04]: "It seemed like you had one shot to really ask a good solid political question and you froze up. You backed off."
• Warren Farrell [19:53]: "It's a difficult time to be a man in America."

This comprehensive summary encapsulates the key discussions, humorous exchanges, and satirical insights presented in the episode, providing a clear and engaging overview for those who haven't listened.

Transcript

[Jon Stewart]

Jon Stewart here. Unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, the Weekly Show. We're going to be talking about the election economics, ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to the Weekly show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcasts.

[Stephen Colbert]

Our next health story should be of particular interest to our teen viewers who suffer from crippling glaucoma. For centuries, marijuana has been used as a self prescribed remedy for the terminal disease known as being alive. But last week the Supreme Court heard arguments as to whether state initiatives permitting the drug to be used medicinally violate federal law. It's a case that figures to settle once and for all the legality of medical marijuana and thereby affect the lives of no fewer than.0001% of American marijuana. Sm the federal government maintains, however, that marijuana, or as it's known on the street, funny pot cigarettes, is illegal, period. And has severely criticized prescribing the drug to those freewheeling long haired hippie AIDS and cancer patients just trying to score a free high off Uncle Sam. Those people are sick. No, seriously, they're sick and they need help. Robert McGinnis of the family Research Council has come out strongly against medical marijuana.

[Jon Stewart]

I don't deny that sick people who have been using it for a long time feel better after using this because they get high. And when you get high, you feel better.

[Stephen Colbert]

Robert McInnis speaking out strongly and poorly against marijuana medical marijuana, which is a miracle. Now the upcoming Supreme Court debate could even be a hotter button issue than Americans not sleeping enough. That's why it's the subject of tonight's even Steven, you've just made me vomit in my own mouth.

[Steve Carell]

What's the weather like up your own ass? Tonight's topic, should medical marijuana be legalized?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes. No. Yes. The medical marijuana initiatives in California and New Mexico were approved by the voters solely to help seriously ill patients for whom marijuana offers the only relief from pain. Who could deny an 80 year old woman a moment of respite from her tortured existence? But I suppose there are a few sick individuals out there who get off on other people's suffering.

[Steve Carell]

Stephen Far out. Steve Groovy point man. You're blowing my mind. Face it, you and your doctor dopes are just hiding behind grandma's oxygen tent. The real reason you're pushing pro pot legislation is so you can suck on a tie stick and watch the walls begin to pulse and breathe. And now that you've duped a few misguided state legislatures, I'm sure we can all look forward to you coming down with a Convenient case of glaucoma real soon.

[Stephen Colbert]

This marijuana is medicine, Steven. I'm pro people, not pro.

[Steve Carell]

Oh, come on, Steve. You love ganja and the exhilarating rush of freedom and the heightened textural sensations it gives you, whereas I wouldn't know where to start looking for a dime bag. I'm sure you've got great connections, so let me in on the dirty little secret. Steve. Where do you get your pot?

[Stephen Colbert]

Steven, just because I support medical marijuana, it's ludicrous to imply that I'm a dope fiend. That's like saying because I support the repeal of the marriage tax penalty that I'm into wife swapping.

[Steve Carell]

Don't change the subject, Steve. You know exactly where I can get my hands on some really deep chronic, don't you?

[Stephen Colbert]

Let's get back to my wife swapping metaphor.

[Steve Carell]

Fine, let's.

[Stephen Colbert]

What you're suggesting about my access to sweet Malaysian skunkweed is just as ridiculous as if I said, hey, Stephen Colbert, why don't you and your wife come over some night this week and we can exchange partners? Would that idea appeal to you?

[Steve Carell]

I don't know, Steve. Would we be high?

[Stephen Colbert]

I don't know. Would you bring the dope?

[Steve Carell]

Steve, you're not listening to my argument. My argument is that if, for instance, I tried to buy pot, I couldn't get any, but I think you could get me some.

[Stephen Colbert]

You're not listening, Stephen. You're in a fantasy world where I smoke pot and could get my hands on some very kind bud. But we would be wife swapping this Friday. Have I made myself clear?

[Steve Carell]

Clear as crystal, Steve. But let me see if I can just recap your really twisted argument. You're saying that if we were to enter into some bizarre quadrangle, you'd be supplying the weed.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes. Okay, that sounds perfect. Great. John. The last time on Slimming down with Steve. I chose a personal trainer. But as you know, exercise alone just won't cut it. Today we're going to focus on nutrition. Join me as I visit a top New York City nutritionist. My name is Steve.

[Miriam Pappo]

Lemon.

[Stephen Colbert]

Down, Steve.

[Miriam Pappo]

Steve Lemon.

[Stephen Colbert]

Down with me. Before a nutritionist like Mariam Pappo can offer advice, she has to learn about the eating habits of her patient.

[Miriam Pappo]

Just tell me if you've eaten these in the last week.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay.

[Miriam Pappo]

Cheese?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Miriam Pappo]

Fried chicken?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Miriam Pappo]

Other fried foods?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Miriam Pappo]

Hot dogs?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Miriam Pappo]

Salami.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Miriam Pappo]

Snack. Chips?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Miriam Pappo]

Bacon.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Miriam Pappo]

Sausage.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Miriam Pappo]

Sweet roll. What's sweet roll? Like a Danish?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Miriam Pappo]

What type of milk do you drink?

[Stephen Colbert]

Buttermilk.

[Miriam Pappo]

What type of Oil.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you use WD40? Usually peanut oil.

[Miriam Pappo]

When you have chicken, is it with the skin or without the skin?

[Stephen Colbert]

Just the skin. What am I doing wrong? It didn't take long for Miriam to observe that I needed more vegetables in my diet. So she offered to make me a healthy meal.

[Miriam Pappo]

Look how beautifully green these are.

[Stephen Colbert]

Mm, mm. Green things. The supermarket was gonna be a lot of fun. This is beef tongue. If you were to eat this, wouldn't your food essentially be tasting you? We did have fun, but now it was off to the kitchen to make pasta primavera, which in Italian means no meat for Steve. That looks good.

[Miriam Pappo]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

What makes pasta primavera such a healthy dish?

[Miriam Pappo]

Because it's usually using all fresh vegetables.

[Stephen Colbert]

Bam. Right like that, chef.

[Miriam Pappo]

Okay, great.

[Stephen Colbert]

Finally, it was time to indulge.

[Miriam Pappo]

Let's dig in.

[Stephen Colbert]

Let's say grace first. All good gifts around us Horse and from heaven above and thank the Lord oh, thank the Lord for all his.

[Jon Stewart]

Love.

[Stephen Colbert]

I really want to thank you, Lord I want to thank you, Lord oh, thank you, Lord above that's all right.

[Jon Stewart]

Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow.

[Jon Stewart]

First of all, thank you for allowing us to go on this emotional journey with you. My pleasure. Now, how is the new diet going for you?

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, it's been tough, John, because I've had to find ways to incorporate vegetables into my nutritional regime.

[Jon Stewart]

I think you mean regimen, not regime. Regime.

[Stephen Colbert]

Jon, you do what you need to lose weight. I'll do what I need to do. Okay. Now take a look at this. You'll notice it says all vegetable.

[Jon Stewart]

Right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Couple of scoops of this, I get all the vegetables I need.

[Jon Stewart]

I actually think it's. It's shortening. Vegetable shortening. So it doesn't.

[Stephen Colbert]

It serves up just like ice cream. Mmm. It's every reporter's dream to spend a day on the campaign trail with a front running candidate. And that's exactly the opportunity we were afforded this day in New Hampshire on John McCain's Straight Talk Express. However, Dan Rather and the 60 Minutes crew were already on board, so we had to go on the overflow bus. Great. This is just great. The Overflow Bus. Repository for outcasts, misfits, and journalistic bottom feeders. But they've got an omelet bar or something up there. You think Rather is up there talking policy with them? No, they're up there playing pinball, singing karaoke. Rather doesn't have to be on the overflow bus. Oh, I'm 60 minutes. Be lucky if we even see him today. Don't throw it back you just ate half of threw it back. You know, we were asked to come. Like, oh, yeah? Well, you're that bus. Shut up back there. Pick it up your ass. The situation was intolerable. Something had to be done. Exactly what am I looking at here?

[Jon Stewart]

Bus assignments for the 50. Some members of the media.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, let's cut to the chase. Where are we?

[Jon Stewart]

47, 48, 49 and 50.

[Stephen Colbert]

What are the circles mean?

[Jon Stewart]

Circles mean you're on the bus. So as you can see, no circle, no bus.

[Stephen Colbert]

Why are you jerking me around like this? All I want to do is sit on the nice bus. I'm screwed. Covering the story at arm's length was getting me nowhere. And then it hit me. The best way to get to a presidential candidate's bus is through his wife. This is your driver here.

[Miriam Pappo]

He's been with us from the beginning.

[Stephen Colbert]

Now this is a well appointed driver.

[Miriam Pappo]

He's wonderful.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'd like you to take a look at the driver we have. Great. Thanks very much, Ron. You see what I mean? Okay, now step aboard. Here we go into our secondary bus. Take a whiff. Yeah, take a whiff of that. One whiff of the overflow bus. And Mrs. McCain was on my side.

[Jon Stewart]

Stick with me, I'll get you on.

[Stephen Colbert]

Really? Come on, let's go. Really. Not only was I finally on the bus, but I was going to get the chance to talk to Senator John McCain. Sir, how are you?

[John McCain]

Look, let me tell you, you are.

[Jon Stewart]

Welcome on our bus at any time.

[Stephen Colbert]

Let's do a lightning round, okay? Your favorite book. For Whom the Bell Tolls. Favorite movie?

[Jon Stewart]

Viva Zapata.

[Stephen Colbert]

Charlton Heston. Marlon Brando. Close enough. If I were a tree, I would be a.

[Warren Farrell]

If I were a tree, I would be a root. What does that mean?

[Stephen Colbert]

Senator, how do you reconcile the fact that you were one of the most vocal critics of Pork Barrel? And yet while you were chairman of the Commerce Committee, that committee set a record for unauthorized appropriations. I'm just kidding. No, I don't. I don't even know what that means. Oh, they all laughed at my little question. But two things were abundantly clear. Okay, all right.

[John McCain]

Okay, we're gone.

[Stephen Colbert]

It was the wrong question to ask, and I was going to be walking.

[Jon Stewart]

Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen.

[Stephen Colbert]

Steve Carell. Huh?

[Jon Stewart]

Steve, that was. That was. That was an interesting piece.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you, Mr. Stewart.

[Jon Stewart]

It seemed like you had one shot to really ask a good solid political question and you froze up. You backed off.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, well, I was trying to explore the sites, the sounds, the smells of a political Campaign.

[Jon Stewart]

But you were up there to get an interview with McCain and one on one.

[Stephen Colbert]

Now, Mrs. McCain was a gracious.

[Jon Stewart]

Mrs. McCain is not the story.

[Stephen Colbert]

Did you see her?

[Jon Stewart]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

She is intelligent, beautiful, wonderful.

[Miriam Pappo]

I understand.

[Jon Stewart]

But it seems like you froze up with McCain. You had him right there and.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, I. I was just. I was trying to.

[Jon Stewart]

Should we take you off the political beat? Is it. Is it too much for you to.

[Stephen Colbert]

Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen.

[Jon Stewart]

No.

[Steve Carell]

Coming up, four minutes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Tiffany and Carlos.

[Jon Stewart]

No, no, you're not. You're not talking, you're not tossing a commercial. Look at me. Look, Steven. Look, look. See? What do we say?

[Stephen Colbert]

Bad report and do better. Trying to survive in this fast paced world is hard enough. But on the eve of the Y2K computer meltdown, people everywhere are nearing mass hysteria. But one man in Los Angeles thinks he has the answer.

[John McCain]

They say that the computers will all lock up, that the world as we know it will grind to a halt.

[Stephen Colbert]

Jim Presnall has dedicated his life to solving the problems presented by Y2K.

[John McCain]

They say that money will no longer have its value because you can't frankly get to your money. Then what does have value is very arbitrary. It could be seashells, could be salt.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, don't even get me started on the seashell and salt people.

[John McCain]

Well, I just don't think they work. It's my theory that PEZ is the perfect solution for that.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's right. Pez. In an uncertain post, Y2K World, Jim's convinced that dollars will be replaced by Pez dispensers as the national currency.

[John McCain]

I can go into a gas station and say, here, here's a PEZ dispenser. He lets me get five gallons of gas. This is the stuff that's really worth gold when the going gets tough.

[Stephen Colbert]

Jim's theory begs one obvious question. Do you think that you're an idiot? No. We road tested Jim's prediction at this LA pawn shop. Could you give me a rough estimate what this would go for on the open market?

[John McCain]

Hmm, I would say about 10 cents.

[Stephen Colbert]

10 cents. The year 2000 y2k. The world's economy is in economic turmoil. Food and water are being rationed. Now, how much would this be worth?

[John McCain]

10 cents.

[Stephen Colbert]

Undaunted by the naysayers, Jim's been feverishly hoarding Pez 3000 Pez dispensers. You must be very proud.

[John McCain]

Well, I'm very proud of my collection. I love showing it off.

[Stephen Colbert]

Troy Newman is also preparing for Y2K. So I've gathered some basic food storage, although he has inexplicably decided to store food and water. What would you make of a person who cracked open the head of a small creature and ate food from the gaping hole in its larynx? Ultimately, whether or not you agree with Jim, you must give his accomplishments the respect they deserve. Jim, you own over 3000 pesos dispensers. You've organized the Pez a Thon gathering Pez heads from all over the world. Which of the following best describes you, Doofus or dorquad?

[John McCain]

I think that's probably a little insensitive. I'd prefer eccentric.

[Stephen Colbert]

Dweebwad. Dorky. Eccentric dweeby. Nutcase. Kooky. Dweeby, dweeby. Dorkhead.

[John McCain]

I think I've had enough.

[Jon Stewart]

Hey, everybody, Jon Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the weekly show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcast.

[Miriam Pappo]

Men from time immemorial, they stood atop the world, building our civilizations, commanding our armies. They were gods walking among us. But now their time may be over.

[Stephen Colbert]

For the first time, women are expected.

[Miriam Pappo]

To outnumber men in the workforce.

[John McCain]

A new study finds increasing numbers of women outpacing their husbands when it comes to income and education.

[Miriam Pappo]

And it's a crisis that troubles many, like sociologist and author of the Myth of male power, Dr. Warren Farrell.

[Warren Farrell]

It's a difficult time to be a man in America.

[Miriam Pappo]

In what sense, exactly?

[Warren Farrell]

Men today are probably where women were in the late 50s. We're about a half century behind women in terms of being understood, in terms of having options.

[Miriam Pappo]

How did this happen?

[Warren Farrell]

Babycakes, we did a great job for women. We now just need to do the same for men.

[Miriam Pappo]

He's right. Men run just 485 of our Fortune 500 companies and only three branches of government. And there are more doors closing on them all the time.

[Warren Farrell]

Almost all your pharmaceutical salespeople are young women and attractive women, because the pharmaceutical company knows that an attractive young female will have much greater access to a medical doctor who's, on average, still more likely to be a male.

[Miriam Pappo]

That sucks for men. Except for the male doctor who gets to earn all that money and bang that hot new sales rep. Poor guy. It doesn't stop there. Even the nightly news, long a bastion of the stately white male, is now 66.7% female. And the last male anchor is kind of effeminate. Fortunately, help is on the way thanks to male support groups, groups like the Better man organization founder, Wayne Levine.

[Wayne Levine]

For us, it's about being available to each other and giving the wisdom and the guidance and the support and the ass kicking, whatever it is, we need to be the best men we can be. You know, so many of the problems that we face in our culture is because men are not getting what they need.

[Miriam Pappo]

What are men not getting?

[Wayne Levine]

Well, in our culture, there's no place for men to gather. It's socially unacceptable for men to get together.

[Miriam Pappo]

Yes, it's a constant struggle to find places where men are allowed to be themselves. Having never heard of Las Vegas, these disenfranchised men seek solace in the woods where they play games no one liked in PE Class.

[Warren Farrell]

My wife is in charge.

[Miriam Pappo]

And complain about their wives. Mostly what they do is gather in circles. The sitting circle, the cleansing circle, and of course, the most important circle of all.

[Wayne Levine]

So what we got here is a wisdom circle with just a few men. And this is where a man will bring an issue that needs to be addressed.

[Miriam Pappo]

When does everybody start masturbating? They were coming here with one purpose. To reclaim their manhood. Hey, our dinner's right over here. What are you waiting for? Do I have to do this by myself? Sadly, the inequalities holding men back begin as early as high school.

[Warren Farrell]

Almost every high school has a football team. Almost every football team has cheerleaders. And it's very rare that the cheerleader says something like, gee, you know, I noticed you lost your position on the team, so I'd like to continue cheering for for you because you were very sensitive and very loving and very caring and very listening. You don't ever see that happening.

[Miriam Pappo]

So we need to give our sons permission to be puss wads.

[Warren Farrell]

That's. Yes, some type of term like that.

[Miriam Pappo]

Something puss related. And of course, the key to uplifting any oppressed group is to give them a voice.

[Wayne Levine]

This is the time of day where we bring out the talking stick. It's a time where you can and speak from the heart and listen from the heart and share whatever's on your mind.

[Miriam Pappo]

Finally, it was my opportunity to offer advice to my fallen brothers. Actually, you know, I actually brought my own tool. Attention middle aged vagina men. Sack the up. Seriously, you're turning me into a lesbian. These days, when you hear about secession. You think of Texas, but Texas isn't alone. Secession is the big word for lawmakers in Long Island. Should Long island become its own state? According to Long island legislator Edward Romaine, the time for independence is now.

[John McCain]

Yes, the 51st state, Long Island. Long island is paying more than $3 billion more than we're getting back in.

[Miriam Pappo]

Assistance from the state located just 10 miles from Manhattan or 3 1/2 hours by car. Long Island's 3 million people have never felt connected to the rest of the state.

[John McCain]

Well, we're kind of an appendage to New York. We jut out east of New York into the Atlantic Ocean.

[Miriam Pappo]

How much longer can New York state continue to travel this appendage off before it just explodes?

[John McCain]

Not much longer. We're going to secede if we can. We're going to stand up and say enough is enough.

[Miriam Pappo]

Unfortunately, some people, like Long Island State Senator Carl Marcelino, insist on standing in the way of statehood.

[Jon Stewart]

No, Long island should not secede from the state of New York.

[Miriam Pappo]

You're a state senator from Long Island. I mean, if this secession happens, you could be a real senator. Senator Marcelino from the great state of Long Island.

[Jon Stewart]

It's just not practical to do it.

[Miriam Pappo]

But can they afford not to do it?

[John McCain]

The high taxes are forcing some people to vote with their feet. That is the best and the brightest leaving Long Island.

[Miriam Pappo]

It's all relative, though. I mean, you are talking about the best and brightest of Long Island.

[John McCain]

The most important resource that we have are our people. They're inventive, they're intelligent Jager bombs.

[Miriam Pappo]

And these intelligent and inventive people think it's time.

[John McCain]

I'd most definitely like to see Long island seceded as its own state.

[Stephen Colbert]

A totally different group of people.

[John McCain]

Long Island's a melting pot. You got all these awesome Italian guys, beautiful Italian women, nice Italian food.

[Miriam Pappo]

You're not making it seem like a melting pot. Unless you're talking about a melting pot filled with bubbling marinara sauce. What do you have to say to New Yorkers who say good riddance?

[Stephen Colbert]

I say to you.

[John McCain]

You guys still got the village. Good luck with that one.

[Miriam Pappo]

Clearly, the first article of their state constitution is in place. But have they really thought things through?

[Jon Stewart]

It's complicated. We would need to pay for the roads that are state roads.

[John McCain]

The first thing we do is pick a state capital.

[Jon Stewart]

We would need to pay for the state parks that are state parks.

[John McCain]

Picking a state food, it might be. It might be the flounder.

[Jon Stewart]

Teacher certifications would all have to be done differently.

[John McCain]

Picking a State bird. It might be the seagull.

[Stephen Colbert]

The state bird should just be flipping the birds.

[Miriam Pappo]

Flipping the bird. Welcome to Long Island. Of course, secession could mean war, and that's something no one would want to see.

[John McCain]

Dearest Gina with dangerously low and AX body spray. And those suckers from Nasapequa took all my free weights. By the way, that picture you took me and my rim. It's sick. Give my love to your family. Except your sister, She's a whore. Long Island's packing some serious balls. Go. We can beat up any other state you got.

[Miriam Pappo]

What state could you beat up? And please don't say Rhode island or Connecticut because everybody knows those states are pussy states you name.

[John McCain]

What do you got? Wyoming, Iowa.

[Miriam Pappo]

What do you think?

[Stephen Colbert]

Ireland?

[Miriam Pappo]

I don't think that counts.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, oh, states. I'm sorry.

[Miriam Pappo]

Other states.

[John McCain]

I feel like a retard now.

[Miriam Pappo]

Other states. Not in Europe.

[Stephen Colbert]

Staten Island.

[Miriam Pappo]

Other states.

[Stephen Colbert]

Canada.

[Miriam Pappo]

Canada. Okay. We have. Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

Europe. Right.

[Miriam Pappo]

Okay. I'm sorry.

[John McCain]

New Jersey. Oh, yeah. New Jersey is the first to go.

[Miriam Pappo]

Isn't that like beating up your conjoined twin? Though? So genetically similar, the people of Long island have been oppressed for too long. And after spending time in their world and learning their customs, I started to share in the revolutionary spirit.

[John McCain]

First of all, I think they should call it Strong island if they make it its own state. I mean, look at these guys. It's the gun show, baby. You got your tickets?

[Miriam Pappo]

Oh, double guns. Makes me feel so vulnerable. Not really sure I'm capable of making good decisions right now. Probably all that birth control I'm taking, it's making my mind fuzzy. I was drawn in by their noble cause and meticulous manscaping.

[Wayne Levine]

Pow.

[Jon Stewart]

Pow. Pow. Pow.

[Stephen Colbert]

Pow.

[Miriam Pappo]

Second thought. You know what? No.

[Jon Stewart]

I'm confused. The whole thing. The whole thing has me very confused. Rick Santorum says women can't be in combat because they'll trigger men's chivalrous nature. Liz Trotta says female soldiers can't serve because they'll arouse men's baser instincts. What's your take?

[Miriam Pappo]

Well, John, I know you're expecting an apology, and believe me, you'll get it from.

[Jon Stewart]

From you. An apology for what, Sam?

[Miriam Pappo]

John. For this.

[Stephen Colbert]

All.

[Miriam Pappo]

You guys. You guys can rape it or you can protect it, but you can't ignore it. It's who you are.

[Jon Stewart]

You know, you're talking about this and the sexual assaults and things like that. Like it's a bad habit that men have. Like, oh, men always leave their socks on the floor. Men can't put the toilet seat down.

[Stephen Colbert]

You know?

[Jon Stewart]

Oh, my God.

[Miriam Pappo]

I know. Don't you hate it when guys do that? And when they rape ladies? Am I right? What's. Oh, my gosh.

[Jon Stewart]

So female soldiers should just expect to be sexually assaulted, is that.

[Miriam Pappo]

Well, female soldiers, gal reporters, lady doctors, teacherettes, aviatrixes. That's just the way it is. When you're a woman intruding in a man's world. We expect to be paid slightly less and raped slightly more, you know, but.

[Jon Stewart]

As a, you know, as a man, I'm offended. Men are absolutely capable of working in close quarters with women in an appropriate, respectful manner.

[Miriam Pappo]

Uh, John, I'm up here.

[Jon Stewart]

I'm looking up there. I'm talking to you.

[Miriam Pappo]

You're right. You're absolutely right. It's my fault. You don't bring the fruit if you don't want it to get picked, you know?

[Jon Stewart]

See, here's the problem with that. Not every man is in a constant battle to suppress urges to pick fruit that does not want to be picked by them. It's not.

[Miriam Pappo]

Ooh, Sue, Someone hates women.

[Jon Stewart]

I don't hate women. I don't.

[Miriam Pappo]

Okay, Just like feminists hate men by assuming that they could be something other than prehistoric rape machines. Which, coincidentally, is the name of my all girl punk band. We're gonna be at the Roxy this weekend. And. And fellas, as always, ladies, drink free if you catch my drift. Two for one. Ruffettinis, come on down. Protect us, rape us. It's your choice. Two choices. Two choices only.

[Jon Stewart]

Hey, everybody, Jon Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the weekly show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcast.