TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials

Summary

Summary of "TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials" Episode of The Daily Show: Ears Edition

Episode Overview

In the "TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials" episode of The Daily Show: Ears Edition, hosts Jon Stewart and the news team delve into a series of high-profile celebrity trials that have captured public attention. Through a blend of satire, incisive commentary, and sharp humor, the episode examines the intricacies of the legal proceedings, media sensationalism, and the broader implications for the justice system. The episode covers the Michael Jackson molestation trial, Martha Stewart's conspiracy charges, the release of rapper Meek Mill, and the convictions of Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein.

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Michael Jackson's Child Molestation Trial

Setting the Scene

The episode opens with a comedic reenactment of a reporter's struggle to cover the Michael Jackson trial amidst stringent court restrictions. Stephen Colbert humorously portrays a hapless journalist attempting to gain access to the courtroom:

Stephen Colbert (05:18): "I'll shave off my mustache."

Media Frenzy and Public Perception

Jon Stewart and correspondents Ed Helms and Rob Corddry explore the overwhelming media presence, likening the trial's coverage to a "media circus." They highlight the disproportionate number of reporters compared to military personnel in Iraq, emphasizing the sensationalism surrounding Jackson's case.

John Stewart (06:36): "This is truly an all out war."

Jackson's Struggles and Media Portrayal

Ed Helms provides a satirical analysis of Michael Jackson's predicament, blending real concerns with absurd humor:

Ed Helms (09:22): "That's right, John, Jacko had an A taco in his backo."

Helms mocks the media's portrayal of Jackson's personal and legal struggles, underscoring the invasive nature of celebrity trials.

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Martha Stewart's Conspiracy Charges

Initial Confusion and Misinformation

The team addresses the widespread confusion following Martha Stewart’s trial verdict, poking fun at the media's initial misreporting:

John Stewart (12:46): "Martha Stewart, not guilty."

They humorously criticize news outlets like CNBC for prematurely declaring her innocence despite her actual conviction on various counts.

Courtroom Antics and Media Behavior

Through exaggerated scenarios, the team illustrates the chaotic media environment surrounding Stewart's trial. Stephen Colbert's correspondent fumbles with conflicting information, highlighting the challenges of accurate reporting in real-time.

Stephen Colbert (17:32): "Guilty."

Post-Verdict Coverage and Public Reaction

Jon Stewart critiques the media's relentless pursuit of sensational stories, even as they mishandle the dissemination of information:

John Stewart (19:00): "Did you say the viewers?"

Rob Corddry emphasizes the negative impact of viewer demands on journalistic integrity, portraying reporters as overwhelmed by the need for immediate, often trivial updates.

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Meek Mill's Release and Criminal Justice Reform

Celebration of Release

The episode shifts focus to the release of rapper Meek Mill, symbolizing progress in criminal justice reform. The team highlights his impact as a figure advocating for second chances within the penal system.

Daily Show Correspondent (30:38): "But this story really is great news, not just for Meek Mill, but also for advocates of criminal justice reform."

Systemic Issues and Second Chances

Jon Stewart underscores the broader implications of Meek Mill's release, emphasizing the need for a justice system that prioritizes rehabilitation over prolonged incarceration.

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Convictions of Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein

Bill Cosby's Guilty Verdict

The hosts discuss the conviction of Bill Cosby on multiple charges of sexual assault, reflecting on the significance of the verdict in holding powerful individuals accountable.

Stephen Colbert (31:04): "He faces the possibility of up to 30 years in prison for his crimes."

Harvey Weinstein's Trial and Conviction

The episode then transitions to Harvey Weinstein's sexual assault trial, showcasing the judiciary's strict response to his behavior:

Stephen Colbert (32:05): "He faces five to 25 years in prison, at least."

Through humorous commentary, the team critiques Weinstein's actions and the legal system's handling of high-profile sexual misconduct cases.

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Media Ethics and Viewer Influence

Impact of Viewer Demands

A recurring theme throughout the episode is the detrimental effect of viewer demands for sensationalism on media ethics and journalistic integrity. The hosts argue that the relentless pursuit of ratings compromises the quality and honesty of news reporting.

Rob Corddry (20:51): "The viewers are completely out of control. They're constantly beating us down with unrealistic demands for immediacy."

Call for Responsible Reporting

Jon Stewart and his team advocate for a more responsible approach to media coverage, emphasizing the importance of accurate, thoughtful reporting over sensationalized narratives.

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Conclusion

The "Celebrity Trials" episode of The Daily Show: Ears Edition offers a sharp, humorous critique of the intersection between high-profile legal cases and media coverage. By dissecting the Michael Jackson trial, Martha Stewart's conspiracy charges, Meek Mill's release, and the convictions of Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein, the episode underscores the need for media accountability and a justice system that prioritizes fairness over spectacle. Through witty banter and insightful commentary, Jon Stewart and his team effectively illuminate the complexities and consequences of celebrity trials in contemporary society.

Notable Quotes

• Stephen Colbert (05:18): "I'll shave off my mustache."
• John Stewart (06:36): "This is truly an all out war."
• Ed Helms (09:22): "That's right, John, Jacko had an A taco in his backo."
• Rob Corddry (20:51): "The viewers are completely out of control."
• Daily Show Correspondent (30:38): "This story really is great news, not just for Meek Mill, but also for advocates of criminal justice reform."

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Additional Information

Listeners are encouraged to watch The Daily Show on Comedy Central or stream episodes on Paramount+. For exclusive content and extended discussions, visit ParamountShop.com using discount code "TDS20" for 20% off all The Daily Show products.

Transcript

[John Stewart]

You're listening to an iHeart podcast.

[Ed Helms]

Three couples, four vacations, a lot to unpack. Watch the Four Seasons, a new series starring our comedy favorites Tina Fey, Steve Carell, Will Forte, Colman Domingo and more in a hilarious and heartfelt love letter to long term relationships based on the original Alan Alda film. Watch the Four Seasons, streaming now only on Netflix.

[Samantha Bee]

This podcast is supported by Talkspace.

[Military Spouse]

When my husband came home from his military deployment, readjusting was hard for all of us. Thankfully, I found Talkspace.

[Samantha Bee]

Talkspace provides professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatric providers online. Military members, veterans and their dependents ages 13 and older can get fast access to providers, all from the privacy of their computers or smartphones.

[Military Spouse]

I just answered a few questions online and Talkspace matched me with a therapist. We meet when it's convenient for me and I can message her anytime. It was so easy to set up and they accept. Tricare Therapy was going so well, my husband and I started seeing a couples therapist through Talkspace too.

[Samantha Bee]

Talkspace works with most major insurers, including Tricare. Match with a licensed therapist [e-mail] military go to talkspace.com military to get started today. That's talkspace.com military.

[Ed Helms]

You'Re listening to Comedy Central.

[Stephen Colbert]

The Michael Jackson trial. A trial of the century like this only comes around one or two times a year. It was my shot at the big time. 5:30am I wasted no time going in depth with die hard Jackson supporters whose otherwise productive lives have been put on hold by the trial of a man whose music they like.

[John Stewart]

I moved out here for the trial. So I've been here through every pretrial hearing, every jury selection, and every day of court.

[Stephen Colbert]

So you've seen everything?

[John Stewart]

Everything.

[Stephen Colbert]

Were you there for the molestation?

[John Stewart]

Excuse me.

[Stephen Colbert]

So how long have you been here? For the trial? So what's your favorite Michael Jackson song?

[John Stewart]

Unbreakable. And you're not alone.

[Stephen Colbert]

You're unbreakable and you're not alone. So do you think he jacked that kid off? Daybreak. The media tent buzzing, lights up, reporters miked, cameras rolling, news about to break. And nothing. As the new guy, I wasn't sure what came next. Luckily, the experienced trial media was happy to give me some pointers. Hi, I'm with a Daily Show. Will you guys talk to us on camera? Do you mind answering a couple questions on camera? Hello? Somebody throw me a bone. With the Daily show shot down, I guess they didn't want the Daily show turning this thing into a circus. No one would speak to me except My name is Peter Bose. I work for the BBC. The BBC. The absolute bottom of the news barrel. Television cameras are banned from the courtroom. You can't bring television cameras inside the courtroom. No cameras. Well, that's not a surprise. It's rarely happening these days. No, no, no, no, no. Whoa, whoa. What are we doing here? How are we gonna cover. How am I supposed to cover this thing? What we're all doing is setting up our cameras to see Michael Jackson walk in the courtroom in the morning, wave, give the peace sign, and then walk back out again at night. Wow. That seems worth it. So I waited. The pressure was building. Hey, mind holding us a minute? I got to go drop the kids off the pool. Cool. Thank you. What was that? No, no, no. Not now. Not now. I'm not done. I'm not done. I'm not done. I told you guys to get me. I'd blown Jackson Zentrance. Damn my spastic colon. I strapped on a diaper and followed Jackson inside. Oh, hey.

[John Stewart]

Hi. How's it going?

[Stephen Colbert]

Good. I'm just going to the trial.

[John Stewart]

No badge. Can't let you through.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, I'm not here for that trial. I'm here for the triple rape homicide.

[John Stewart]

Then you have to go around the back and use different interest.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. Actually, I am on the witness list. My name is Macaulay Culkin, so you can check that. All right?

[John Stewart]

They'd take you through the back on that one as well.

[Stephen Colbert]

Locked out with eight hours to go and nothing to do. Hey, do you mind? I'm trying to get inside MJ's head. Okay. It's called research. I was at a loss. Then it occurred to me. Wwgd. What would Geraldo do? Tom Steddon has something that I don't know, and Michael Jackson is convicted.

[Rob Corddry]

I'll shave off my mustache.

[Stephen Colbert]

So what are you gonna shave? I haven't made up my mind yet.

[Correspondent]

And I haven't made predictions for the.

[Stephen Colbert]

Outcome, so I'm not gonna answer that question yet.

[Daily Show Correspondent]

I'm taking the Fifth.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm gonna shave my nut stash. Three hours until the money shot. Ample time to craft the kind of insightful legal journalism that's been a hallmark of this trial.

[John Stewart]

It is a legal thriller.

[Ed Helms]

Oh, he's bad all right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Promises to be a thriller. If Jackson can't beat it, a conviction could mean the end of his Purple Rain. Like Purple Rain's Prince. It remains to be seen whether the prosecution can prove that Michael Jackson fondled this Pytorch. What the jury heard is that when it comes to Prepubescent cancer victims. As far as Michael Jackson is concerned, it doesn't matter if you're black or white. Is that good? 4:59. One minute to departure. Time to videotape Michael Jackson from a distance and yell questions at him. Michael, if you're guilty, keep walking. Got it. Good work, everyone.

[John Stewart]

Good work.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, let's get over the Phil Spector trial. Okay, whack on going down. All right, I'm buying the beards.

[John Stewart]

We turn our attention now to legal matters. In the criminal justice system, there are three separate but equally important groups. The police who investigate crime, the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders, and the media who turn the whole thing into an ungodly cluster. And it was mainly that last one on display in Santa Maria, California this morning as the Michael Jackson child molestation trial began. Over 1,100 credentialed reporters are on hand covering the trial. More than twice as many as are stationed with U.S. troops in Iraq. Although to be fair, by all reports, there is a growing insurgency in Michael Jackson's pants. As always, the media is disgusted with itself.

[Correspondent]

We're going to preview what's sure to be a major media circus.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's going to be a media circus. A thousand media credentials have been issued.

[Samantha Bee]

Norway, Spain, Ireland.

[Stephen Colbert]

A media circus.

[John Stewart]

Media circus.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hungarian TV is here. A huge media circus. Media circus.

[Ed Helms]

This is truly an all out war.

[John Stewart]

Japan has five crews.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you guys love the high profile trials as much as we do?

[Ed Helms]

The media circus.

[John Stewart]

Said two dwarves dressed as Raggedy Ann and Andy charged with comically falling into elephant droppings in the third ring. Don't demean us with that analogy. Today's opening statements followed impaneling of a jury comprised of one Asian, three Hispanics and eight white people. A reasonably fair panel given how hard it would have been to round up a jury of Jackson's actual peers. That was Gonzo. Gonzo couldn't get out of jury duty. The celebrity isn't limited to the defendant. Jackson's legal team is rumored to be preparing a star studded lineup of character witnesses. They may include Smokey Robinson, Stevie Wonder, Elizabeth Taylor, Eddie Murphy, and even Jay Leno, who's been known to take a potshot at Jackson from time to time. Specifically every night from 11:30 to 11:45, five days a week. Mr. Leno could not be reached for comment, though his band leader, Kevin Eubanks released a statement saying, quote, can't be reached for comment. Man. But of course, the big entertainment story, the Michael Jackson trial. With a verdict pending in the case, the Singer was dramatically rushed to a hospital last night. Daily show senior jackologist Ed Helms has been covering the trial. He joins us now from California. Ed Helms, thanks so much for joining us, John.

[Ed Helms]

I'm outside the hospital where it has been reported that. That's right, John, Jacko had an A taco in his backo.

[John Stewart]

That's very clever, right?

[Ed Helms]

Yes, yes, I understand he's filled his hospital room with his personal brico. Bracco.

[John Stewart]

Took it too far, Ed. It was very clever. How was Mr. Jackson hurt?

[Ed Helms]

There was a collision, John. Specifically the collision between the innocent, eternal 10 year old boy Jackson thought he was and the disturbing 46 year old semi Caucasian adult male he just found out he actually is. That's one of those where you're reading the court transcripts. Really gonna get you right there.

[John Stewart]

So you're saying that Jackson's medical condition is really psychosomatic, essentially imaginary?

[Ed Helms]

No, John, Jackson's back pain is real. It's his life that's been imaginary. Until now, Mr. Jackson had believed himself Captain EO, the planetary defender of childhood wonder piggyback rides and wishing trees. Imagine the trauma to his system upon learning he has no actual military rank whatsoever and that Neverland is not the domain of the Lost Boys, but is in fact under the jurisdiction of the Santa Barbara District Attorney's office.

[John Stewart]

But Ed, these epiphanies that Jackson is having, are they just bringing on a despondency, a sadness?

[Ed Helms]

Sadness, John, but also anger. I'm sure somewhere Jackson is thinking, hey, OJ Killed two people and went free. Now they're going to put me away just for a couple of teenage reach arounds. Where's the justice, John?

[John Stewart]

Ed, even if Jackson is found innocent though, is there really any way for him?

[Ed Helms]

Well, ultimately, John, if Jacko wants to avoid further flacco from the media, Paco, he's simply going to have to stop having young boys in the Sako. And also make sure there's no touching of his balls. John.

[John Stewart]

Thank you very much, Ed Helms, everybody. Live from California. The the last one doesn't even run.

[Samantha Bee]

This podcast is supported by Talkspace.

[Military Spouse]

When my husband came home from his military deployment, readjusting was hard for all of us. Thankfully, I found Talkspace.

[Samantha Bee]

Talkspace provides professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatric providers online. Military members, veterans and their dependents, ages 13 and older can get fast access to providers, all from the privacy of their computers or smartphones.

[Military Spouse]

I just answered a few questions online and Talkspace matched me with a therapist. We meet when it's convenient for me and I can message her anytime. It was so easy to set up and they accept Tricare. Therapy was going so well. My husband and I started seeing a couples therapist through Talkspace too.

[Samantha Bee]

Talkspace works with most major insurers, including Tricare. Match with a licensed therapist [e-mail] military go to talkspace.com military to get started today. That's talkspace.com military.

[John Stewart]

We begin tonight, of course, with the news that's dominated headlines ever since Friday afternoon's stunning announcement.

[Correspondent]

Number one, not guilty for Martha Stewart on the conspiracy charge. That's count one, not guilty for Martha Stewart.

[John Stewart]

There you have it. CNBC reporting. Martha Stewart, not guilty. Yes. In their gleeful rush to be the first to let you know if Martha Stewart's life would be crushed or not, some news organizations misinterpreted these incredibly sophisticated communiques from their representatives. But the fact remains, Martha Stewart was found guilty Friday of four counts of obstructing justice, conspiracy, making false statements and poorly, accessory. Stewart was charged. All right. Really? That makes you feel better? Please. Stewart was charged not with insider trading, but rather with lying to protect herself. Insider trading charges she wasn't charged with. Damn you, circular logic. Throughout the trial, the press has behaved admirably and that trend continued with their post verdict coverage.

[Stephen Colbert]

How do you think Martha Stewart will be received? Being the fact that she's rich, she's famous, she's enormously successful and by the way, she's a very attractive 62 year old woman.

[John Stewart]

May I say kudos to CBS. To CBS's the Early Show. That's the kind of female prison rape reference you're just not going to get on any old morning show. Prosecutor David Kelly hailed the verdict as a triumph of justice.

[Ed Helms]

The victims in this case is the entire American public who relies on the integrity of our system to make sure that justice is done and that they can invest their money safely and securely.

[John Stewart]

Knowing that it's being handled honestly. He added. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go arrest every single other person on Wall Street. By the way, one thing that we should all know about this attorney David Kelly, very proud of his left ear. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, Stewart's attorney tried to look on the bright side of his failure. We are disappointed at the outcome. We look at this as having lost the first round. We look at this as an opportunity for rounds. It's not a conviction, it's an opportunity. In the meantime, of course, Martha will not be shipped off to prison, but rather relocated to an exclusive gated community with its own private security force. Now, the Stewart verdict was a big story when it came out on Friday. But imagine a nightmare world in which you'd been forced to wait for that verdict one minute longer. Well, thankfully, that horrific scenario never unfolded, thanks to reporters inside the courtroom who, despite a ban on cameras and cell phones, devised an accurate, foolproof system to notify their colleagues of the result. Yes, color coded scarves and numbered signs. Yee ha. That was exciting. Look at me. I'm Edward R. Mur. Not the most dignified moment for America's press corps, though their actions did lead to the successful arrival at the courthouse of United Flight 441 from San Diego. Okay, so the sight of professional reporters running out of a courthouse waving their clothes in the air was a tad unseemly. But the important thing was it led to accurate reporting. Not guilty. All right. MSNBC did put up a not guilty graphic for a few seconds while they tried to figure everything out. But cnbc, they're a news channel focused on finance. This was right up their alley. Plus they were posted right across the street from the courthouse. I'm sure they got it right.

[Correspondent]

Number one, not guilty for Martha Stewart on the conspiracy charge. That's count one. Not guilty for Martha Stewart. Count two, on count four, she is. That is. I'm sorry, Martha on count three is guilty. That is the.

[Stephen Colbert]

Guilty.

[Correspondent]

Michael, I'm sorry. Guilty, Guilty, Guilty, Guilty. Guilty count. Count five is not guilty. And let me just make sure. I want to make sure I get this absolutely right. That is against Peter Buchanavik. He is not guilty on count five. That is the count of making false statements. Not guilty. It's a tremendous mixed bag here.

[Stephen Colbert]

False documents.

[Correspondent]

Okay, hang on. I'm being told that Peter Buchanavic is not guilty on the count of making and using false documents. That was that at 60. Martha is guilty on count eight. I have just been told she is guilty on count eight, but not guilty. Okay, all charges for Martha Stewart. I am. I apologize. The confusion out here is immense. But now I'm being told that Martha Stewart is guilty on the conspiracy charge. Guilty of every single charge against her. So, Frank, the cameraman here, if we could go over this one more time, starting with Martha Stewart. Yes, let me just interrupt you for one second. Not guilty on the count of making false statements. Not guilty on making and using false documents. Guilty on the count of perjury. And guilty on the obstruction of justice charge. False statements.

[Daily Show Correspondent]

All right, Michael, thanks very much. I'm going to get you to hold on for just One second.

[John Stewart]

As a seasoned observer of these kinds of trials, you know what he could have done to make things a little easier for himself? Put down the billboards and walk across the street to the actual courthouse, you jiggies.

[Stephen Colbert]

Now.

[John Stewart]

For more on the trial and the way it was covered, we go to Daily show senior correspondent Stephen Colbert, live outside the courthouse here in New York. Stephen, thanks for joining us.

[Rob Corddry]

John, before we talk about the trial, I'd like to apologize to you. I know we agreed ahead of time that if the verdict was guilty, I would wave a red flag and if it was innocent, wave a blue flag. But in the excitement of the moment, I came out waving the severed head of a cat, which obviously can be interpreted any number of ways. I'm sorry to have put you in that position. It won't happen again.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, it won't happen again.

[John Stewart]

Well, thank you, Stephen. Your apology is accepted. But let's move on to the.

[Rob Corddry]

I should apologize to that woman I knocked over in my haste to report on this story. Though in my defense, who parks their wheelchair at the top of the courthouse steps? You'd think an 80 year old would know better. Anyway, my condolences to her family and to the families of those she struck on the way down. There's a lot of steps.

[Samantha Bee]

John.

[John Stewart]

That sounds like a terrible accident. It was, but it brings up a good point, Stephen. The frantic rush amongst reporters to get this story out on the air literally a millisecond or two before the other guys. Was that urgency in any way necessary?

[Rob Corddry]

No, it wasn't, John. And it highlights a disturbing trend that's all too obvious in the media these days. The viewers are completely out of control.

[John Stewart]

Did you say. I'm sorry, did you say the viewers?

[Rob Corddry]

Yes, John, I'm just as shocked as you at how aggressive the viewers have become. They're constantly beating us down with unrealistic demands for immediacy. I didn't take four years of journalism courses at five different community colleges just to jump around on some courthouse steps waving flags and cat heads like a maniac. Okay? This trial, like all too many these days, turned into just another viewers circus.

[John Stewart]

Stephen, I just don't see how you can blame the viewers for any of this.

[Rob Corddry]

Stop kidding yourself, John. They're out there right now watching us, waiting for the next tidbit. What was her emotional estate? Are they real? And if I don't deliver it, they'll just click around until you find somebody else, won't you, viewers? Oh, I can feel your eyes on me like dirty little hands pawing at my pockets, strip searching me for any little detail, no matter how irrelevant. Well, you can have your insatiable desire for sleaze. You can have your salacious rumors about Martha Stewart's private life. And you can have it tomorrow night at seven on my special, Stephen Colbert Reports. Martha Stewart under the linen. Remember, that's at seven and again at eight.

[John Stewart]

Well, that's. I'm sorry, Stephen. Hold on. Steven, are you. Are you getting. Are you getting more news about the trial?

[Rob Corddry]

No, John, I'm actually just signaling the paramedics. Evidently, I'm standing on a baby. John.

[John Stewart]

Thank you very much, Stephen Colbert. We'll be right back. Martha Stewart, public enemy number 752, was released from prison last Friday and has apparently been on television ever since. She is now under house arrest at her estate in New York's Westchester County. We go now to Samantha Bee live outside of Martha Stewart's house. Samantha, thanks for joining us.

[Samantha Bee]

Thank you, John.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you.

[Samantha Bee]

I've been camped out here since Martha Stewart entered her house on Friday. If anything happens, I'm gonna let you know.

[John Stewart]

Has anything happened?

[Samantha Bee]

Yes, John, Take a look at this shocking footage our cameras were able to capture just moments ago. I don't know where she's going and I can't see her feet, so I can't even tell you if she's in heels or. Footage might be slippers. I'll keep you posted.

[John Stewart]

Why are you pointing your cameras into the woman's living room? That's intrusive. No, I just.

[Samantha Bee]

I don't know, John. But perhaps Rob Cordry has some insight. He's standing by in the Daily show. Martha Center 2600.

[John Stewart]

I'm sorry, the Martha what?

[Stephen Colbert]

The Martha, Center 2600. John, this will be our home base of operations during the entire house arrest. Be reviewing the footage taken by our fiber optic cameras, analyzing the thermal scans to pinpoint Martha's locations at all times and sifting through the data collected by the Martha Stewart colonoscope, John. That's assuming, of course, that we can get it installed. Now, John, in that footage you just saw, Martha pass by this windowed area here. Obviously going from one side, perhaps there was something on the other end of the room. She needed a whisk or some polished gravel and a frosted vase or perhaps a set of bleached beeswax jelly jar candles. I don't know. It's too early to tell, John.

[John Stewart]

Rob, aren't you supposed to be in Lebanon?

[Stephen Colbert]

John, did you know for the price of a flight to Lebanon, you can Get a whole Martha Center 2600. Yeah. Or a two Martha Center, 1300s. John. So easy and all you need.

[Samantha Bee]

Sorry, sorry. Rob, I've got some breaking news. I've just gotten word that the situation inside is developing. Let's go to our live feed and see what's happening. Okay. Looks like she's crossing back and we have lost visual. I repeat, we have lost visual. We are at code Vermillion. Mother Swan is on the move.

[Stephen Colbert]

Get me position Alpha on screen. Position Alpha on screen. Stack, Stack. Green team, Green team, I need parabolics around the perimeter. Go.

[Samantha Bee]

The Mother Swan is on the move. Chopper 10, go. Newsman, go. Baby Bird has left the nest. The groundhog is estivating. The groundhog is estivating.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, where are we, people? If I can't have visual, give me some audio, pronto. Go, go, go, go, go. What? We have a wide shot on screen. Okay, stand down, people. Condition normalized. Nice work, everybody.

[John Stewart]

Good work, good work.

[Stephen Colbert]

So, John, you can see. See, the drills have paid off. We're going to be right on top of this thing for the next five months.

[John Stewart]

Well, thank you both very much, Samantha B. And Rob Cordrey. We appreciate it.

[Samantha Bee]

This podcast is supported by Talkspace.

[Military Spouse]

When my husband came home from his military deployment, readjusting was hard for all of us. Thankfully, I found Talkspace.

[Samantha Bee]

Talkspace provides professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatric providers online. Military members, veterans and their dependents ages 13 and older can get fast access to providers, all from the privacy of their computers or smartphones.

[Military Spouse]

I just answered a few questions online and Talkspace matched me with a therapist. We meet when it's convenient for me and I can message her anytime. It was so easy to set up. And they accept Tricare. Therapy was going so well, my husband and I started seeing a couples therapist through Talkspace, too.

[Samantha Bee]

Talkspace works with most major insurers, including Tricare. Match with a licensed therapist [e-mail] military. Go to talkspace.com military to get started today. That's talkspace.com military.

[John Stewart]

By now you've probably heard Michael Vick pleading guilty to charges relating to running an illegal dog fighting operation. The details of the story, horrific. What happened to these animals? Tragic. Despite Vick's immediate denials, it seems he is guilty of acts of depravity and immorality, leaving but one question in the mind of NBC's Sunday night sportscasters.

[Stephen Colbert]

We're looking at Michael Vick not showing up in the NFL again until 2010.

[John Stewart]

My God, that's almost 28. Dog years from now, I guess because of how horrified the NFL is about the dog fighting. No doubt. Peter, what about the gambling though? The dog fighting might be the least of his concerns. Yeah, you know, I used to enjoy the dog fighting. I'd bring the kids, have a little lunch, we'd make a picnic out of it. And then the gambling came along. Sullied the whole thing.

[Rob Corddry]

You said it absolutely right.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm told that the league is as concerned, maybe more so about the gambling aspect of this than about the dog fighting. Are you?

[John Stewart]

Me? It's not the dog fighting, it's the gambling. So the league is less offended by dog fighting than it is by this. Really? I don't mind you killing each other, but there will be no batting. The worst thing actually isn't the gambling and it isn't the dog. It's what Vick could do next.

[Samantha Bee]

Tiki, if he did that, if he.

[Stephen Colbert]

Did roll over on a current player, what impact would that have on his career once it's resumed? Someone will sign him, but he will be blackballed.

[John Stewart]

He will not be welcome in any.

[Stephen Colbert]

NFL locker room if he bails on other players.

[John Stewart]

He killed dogs with his bare hands. But he wouldn't bail on other players, would he?

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm told that Vic will not do.

[Rob Corddry]

This, that he's a loyal guy.

[John Stewart]

Well, you know, if it's loyalty that the NFL really wants, maybe they could just get a D. Oh.

[Daily Show Correspondent]

In the last couple of days, you may have heard the name Meek Mill in the news. And if you were just hearing it for the first time, you were probably thinking, Meek Mill. Is that a gluten free granola bar or something? You know, it's like here at Meek Mill, we only use the gentlest oats and berries. But no, Meek Mill is a big time Philadelphia rapper who just dropped a surprise release.

[Correspondent]

Well known rapper Meek Mill, whose imprisonment on gun and drug charges drew widespread protests, celebrated his freedom last night at.

[Stephen Colbert]

An in hours earlier, Pennsylvania's Supreme Court.

[Correspondent]

Ordered the 30 year old's release.

[Stephen Colbert]

The court cited credibility problems with a.

[Correspondent]

Key witness in his original trial 10 years ago.

[Stephen Colbert]

How do you feel?

[John Stewart]

I feel great.

[Stephen Colbert]

He met with comedian Kevin Hart in the locker room.

[John Stewart]

I say we home. No Meek.

[Daily Show Correspondent]

Damn. Who is Kevin Hart's agent. He's even starring in Meek Mill's prison release.

[Ed Helms]

He's everywhere.

[Daily Show Correspondent]

But this story really is great news, not just for Meek Mill, but also for advocates of criminal justice reform. Because Meek Mill had become a symbol of a system that tries to keep people in prison rather than genuinely giving Them a second chance. And Meek Mill's release wasn't the only good news for justice today.

[Ed Helms]

A verdict in the retrial of comedian Bill Cosby.

[Stephen Colbert]

The man has now been found guilty on all charges against him.

[Ed Helms]

Guilty of sexual assault, three second degree felonies.

[Stephen Colbert]

He faces the possibility of up to.

[Ed Helms]

30 years in prison for his crimes.

[Daily Show Correspondent]

Yep. Bill Cosby, guilty. So I guess once again, he's given us a classic heartwarming ending. So it's officially over for Bill Cosby now. I mean, because whether he goes to jail or not, the shameful title of sexual predator will hang over his head forever. So he can't do anything now, except maybe run for president. Harvey Weinstein, disgraced Hollywood producer and man who's somehow uglier on the inside. His sexual assault trial has just begun here in New York, and Harvey is already on the judge's bad side.

[Stephen Colbert]

Jury selection in Harvey Weinstein's sexual assault trial resumes today after some drama in court. The judge threatened to revoke the Hollywood producer's bail Tuesday because he kept using his phone in court.

[Daily Show Correspondent]

The judge said, quote, is this really.

[Stephen Colbert]

The way you want to end up in jail, by texting? Weinstein's team calls it a misunderstanding.

[Daily Show Correspondent]

Yeah, Harvey Weinstein got into trouble yesterday because he kept pulling his phone out in court. Yeah, because apparently he can't keep anything in his pants. I actually feel bad for the judge in this situation because you have to uphold the law, but then also be a middle school teacher, you know, just like, are you texting? Give me a phone. You spit out your gum and dammit, I told you to stop jerking off. Harvey, come on. I will tell you, this is how you know, phones are addictive, though. This guy's on trial for his life and he's sitting in that courtroom like I could go to prison forever.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Daily Show Correspondent]

Uh, I wonder what Disney character I am.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, let's see.

[Daily Show Correspondent]

Oh, Ursula. I should have known. Let's move on from people celebrating their freedom to someone who's gonna be losing his for a long time.

[Stephen Colbert]

Disgraced movie mogul Harvey Weinstein has been found guilty of rap, rape in the third degree and of committing a criminal sexual act in the first degree. The jury acquitted him on three other charges, including the most serious of predatory sexual assault.

[Ed Helms]

Throughout the whole process, he kept saying.

[Stephen Colbert]

I didn't do this, I didn't do this. But of course, now he faces five.

[John Stewart]

To 25 years in prison, at least.

[Ed Helms]

With more possibly coming with additional charges.

[John Stewart]

New charges out in Los Angeles.

[Daily Show Correspondent]

Yes, people, it's official. Harvey Weinstein is going to prison, which is crazy because he already looks like he's been in prison for 25 years. Seriously, Weinstein is not gonna do well in prison, all right, partly because other prisoners already don't like sex offenders, but they rarely don't like some of Harvey Weinstein movies. Yeah, they're gonna come up to him in the prison yard like, I wasted $9 on Mansfield Park. That shit was a disgrace to Jane Austen. You know what would be funny? Is if they lock up Weinstein in the same cell as Bill Cosby. Yeah, because then I can tell you then no one is falling asleep in that cell. You go to sleep. No, you go to sleep. No, you go to sleep. No, you go to sleep.

[Ed Helms]

Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching the Daily Show.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the.

[Ed Helms]

Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Pl.

[Samantha Bee]

Paramount Podcasts this podcast is supported by Talkspace.

[Military Spouse]

When my husband came home from his military deployment, readjusting was hard for all of us. Thankfully, I found Talkspace.

[Samantha Bee]

Talkspace provides professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatric providers online. Military members, veterans, and their dependents ages 13 and older can get fast access to providers, all from the privacy of their computers or smartphones.

[Military Spouse]

I just answered a few questions online, and Talkspace matched me with a therapist. We meet when it's convenient for me, and I can message her anytime. It was so easy to set up and they accept Tricare. Therapy was going so well, my husband and I started seeing a couples therapist through Talkspace, too.

[Samantha Bee]

Talkspace works with most major insurers, including Tricare. Match with a licensed therapist [e-mail] military go to talkspace.com military to get started today. That's talkspace.com military you're listening to an iHeart podcast.