TDS Time Machine | Everything is Stupid with Ronny Chieng

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Daily Show: Ears Edition

Episode: TDS Time Machine | Everything is Stupid with Ronny Chieng

Date: November 24, 2025

Host: Comedy Central News Team
Featured Contributor: Ronny Chieng

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Overview

This sharply satirical episode takes listeners through a whirlwind tour of contemporary absurdities, as Ronny Chieng dissects various cultural, technological, and social trends under the recurring theme: "Everything is Stupid." With signature wit and sarcasm, the episode explores topics ranging from “adventure playgrounds” and Silicon Valley’s chicken coops to pet pampering, Metaverse madness, bizarre lawsuits, and the booming business of groping statues and auctioning overpriced oddities. The episode lampoons the irrationality and excess of modern American life, all while keeping an acerbic comedic edge.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. “Adventure Playgrounds” and Parental Logic (01:18–05:19)

• Ronny Chieng critiques the rise of “adventure playgrounds” where kids use real tools:
  • "They're tricking kids into building their own playground. That’s not adventure. It’s just work." (02:06)
  • Parallels drawn to his own upbringing: "By the time we were done playing, we had finished a whole new line of Nikes... this is just another British remake." (02:24)
• Questions the supposed value of danger for kids:
  • “You're right, Mom. You just can't get good tetanus in the city these days.” (04:32)
  • “Look, parents, just admit that you want to leave your kids alone in a vacant lot because you’re sick of them. There’s no shame in that.” (04:44)

2. Silicon Valley’s Chicken Craze (05:19–08:35)

• Affluent residents take up chicken farming as a status symbol.
  • "Silicon Valley millionaires are adopting chickens as pets...How about bird flu?" (05:49)
  • Lampoons expensive custom coops: “Antique stained glass windows… Do you think your chickens are happier?” "No, I don't think they care." (08:06)
  • Disses performative poverty: “Why stop at poultry farmer cosplay? Try donating your plasma for a can of soup. Or cleaning windshields… You know, poor people stuff.” (05:49)

3. America’s Food Lawsuits – Godiva, TGI Fridays, Poland Spring (09:48–13:59)

• Ronny mocks litigation culture over food branding:
  • On Godiva: “You could say that it was made in Bernie Sanders’ shoe and people would still eat it.” (10:25)
  • On TGI Fridays’ potato skins: “Imagine if you got tickets to a Beyoncé concert, and when you got there, I came out. You’d be furious. Why? Because you’re not ready for the jelly.” (11:24)
  • Water lawsuits: "Do you also think your smart water went to MIT? It’s all marketing." (13:03)
  • Lampoons Americans’ demand for authenticity and organic labels.

4. The Ridiculousness of Pet Pampering (14:00–17:24)

• Exaggerates the excesses of the “humanization of pets”:
  • “Dogs don’t need a spa day. Every day of a dog’s life is a spa day.” (14:54)
  • “Why are you feeding dogs $40 steaks? You realize dogs will eat their own poop?” (15:41)
  • Critique of luxury dog mansions: "What kind of dog needs a conference calling system? What would that call even sound like? 'Hey boy, just calling to check in—still a dog?'" (16:32)
  • Finishes with a self-deprecating joke about putting himself up for adoption as a pet.

5. Social Media Stupidity – Viral Beer Money Sign (18:12–22:11)

• Carson King’s beer money sign goes viral, raises $1M+, gets donated to a children’s hospital.
  • “He gave all that money to a children’s hospital? What an incredible insult to all the hardworking Americans who thought it was for beer.” (19:41)
• Explores internet outrage redemption arc:
  • “The guy who raised over $2 million for sick kids also tweeted offensive jokes 10 years ago... but wait, the reporter who dug it up had even worse tweets!” (21:45)
  • “Don’t point fingers on the Internet, because the Internet will finger you right back.” (21:45)

6. The Metaverse and Digital Absurdities (22:29–27:56)

• Skewers the hype around the Metaverse, calling it both boring and absurd.
  • “The only problem is the Metaverse is being made by Microsoft and Facebook, so you know it’s gonna be boring as shit.” (24:13)
  • Real estate in the Metaverse: “I’m being priced out of worlds that don’t even exist.” (25:58)
  • Harassment in VR: “Women are being harassed within seconds of joining the Metaverse. I guess they were right—it is just like a real office.” (26:55)
  • VR-related accidents: “If it lets the world’s biggest dumbasses blow their savings on fake houses and then crash into their own TVs—this might be the best thing to happen to the Internet...” (27:56)

7. The Epidemic of Statue Groping (29:19–33:16)

• Discusses hands-on tourist traditions with statues (Molly Malone, Juliet in Verona, male statues in Paris).
  • “Isn’t the phrase ‘Kiss me, I’m Irish,’ not ‘motorboat my cat’s iron cleavage’?” (29:55)
  • On luck-based groping: “If it’s lucky, I will touch it. If it’s a hole, I f*** it.” (30:43)
  • On education: “Maybe Americans would be more interested in history if we slapped some boobs on Mount Rushmore. Hey, dad, did you know George Washington had wooden teeth and pepperoni nipples?” (33:16)

8. Stupid Auctions and the Luxury Economy (34:45–37:54)

• Ridicules auction excesses:
  • Japanese grapes: "$11,000 for a bunch of grapes? Sold to the dumbest guy in the room." (35:04)
  • Rare Star Wars toy: "$113,000 for one toy. For that money, you could have bought all of Toys R Us." (36:11)
  • Apollo 11 tapes: "$1.8 million for something you could have watched on YouTube. For that money, you could buy the actual studio where they faked the moon landing." (37:15)
  • Ends with a satirical auction joke involving the host being “sold” a yacht with "a lot of pee on the side." (37:54)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Adventure Playgrounds:
  “They’re tricking kids into building their own playground. That’s not adventure. It’s just work.” – Ronny Chieng (02:06)
• On Status Chickens:
  “It’s like they’re so rich and comfortable, the only thing left to do is pretend to be poor.” – Ronny Chieng (05:49)
• Pet Pampering:
  “Dogs don’t need a spa day. Every day of a dog’s life is a spa day.” – Ronny Chieng (14:54)
• Food Lawsuits:
  “You could say that it was made in Bernie Sanders’ shoe and people would still eat it.” – Ronny Chieng (10:25)
• On the Metaverse:
  “The Metaverse gives us endless possibilities, and you want to have virtual meetings?” – Ronny Chieng (24:52)
• Social Media Outrage:
  “Don’t point fingers on the Internet, because the Internet will finger you right back.” – Ronny Chieng (21:45)
• Statue Groping:
  “Isn’t the phrase ‘Kiss me, I’m Irish,’ not ‘motorboat my cat’s iron cleavage’?” – Ronny Chieng (29:55)
• Auctions:
  "$113,000 for one toy. For that money, you could have bought all of Toys R Us." – Ronny Chieng (36:11)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:18 — Start of “Everything is Stupid with Ronny Chieng”
• 02:46 — UK origins of adventure playgrounds
• 05:19 — Silicon Valley chicken craze
• 09:48 — Stupid food lawsuits (Godiva, TGI Fridays, Poland Spring)
• 14:00 — Pet pampering mania
• 18:12 — Social media, viral beer sign story
• 22:29 — Metaverse and digital absurdity
• 29:19 — Statue groping trends
• 34:45 — The stupidity of luxury auctions

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Tone & Style

True to The Daily Show’s style, this episode delivers social and pop culture commentary brimming with biting sarcasm, observational humor, and irreverence. Ronny Chieng’s rapid-fire quips and playful storytelling skewer both elite excess and everyday idiocy, keeping listeners both entertained and on their toes.

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Summary prepared for listeners seeking an incisive, comedic lens on the world’s weirdest modern trends without wading through the ads or fluff.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

You're listening to Comedy Central.

[C]

For the past few years, I've been intensely watching children in playgrounds. I.

[B]

Sorry, that. That sounded wrong. I don't think you were allowed to do that.

[C]

Okay, calm down. It's for my online child psychology degree. All right? Geez. Sound just like the cops. Anyway, in my research, I just discovered a really stupid trend.

[A]

Many communities do everything they can to keep playgrounds safe. The problem is they may also be stifling creativity. That's why some cities are taking a swing in the opposite direction. So called adventure playgrounds. At this New York City playground, the toys are tool real hammers and nails. I just decided that this is getting really crowded.

[B]

And that's true. And so the 11 year old started building an addition to the playground fort.

[C]

Okay, I don't care what you say. That is not a playground. That is a junkyard, okay? All that's missing is a pit bull with rabies and a Fat Albert gang. They're making kids play with hammers and nails. That's not adventure. It's just work. They're tricking kids into building their own playground. And I gotta tell you, this exact same thing happened to me back home in Asia, right? And by the time we were done playing, we had finished a whole new line of Nikes. And this idea isn't new, all right? Like most American sitcoms and America itself, this is just another British remake.

[B]

Adventure playgrounds first blossomed in the UK after World War II thanks to this woman, Marjorie Allen. London bomb sites into places kids could do pretty much whatever they wanted.

[C]

Just so we're clear, she didn't turn bomb sites into playgrounds. She Just brought kids to play in bomb sites, all right? And all that did was teach kids that Hitler built them playgrounds. No wonder we have so many Nazis again. But here's the thing, all right? I don't mind if kids get hurt, okay? Because who cares about that? Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[B]

I thought you said you were studying child psychology.

[C]

Yo, do you want me to get a lawyer or do you want me to finish the segment? All right, Cheese, this goddamn deposition over here. I'm just saying, I don't care if parents build their kids a death trap. They're not my kids. Right? What's stupid is when parents try to pretend that it's teaching them something.

[B]

After taking a sledgehammer to these wood pallets smash. We watch the kids pile up the broken boards and set them on fire.

[A]

Not that I want them to get hurt, but it's part of growing up. It's part of learning.

[C]

Oh, yeah, that kid's a geni. Um, I don't know if his brain can handle that much learning. I mean, ask him what his favorite number is. Is probably jello. And these parents are so committed to hurting their kids, they're bragging about it.

[B]

Embracing the freedom of adventure play may be easy in theory. Excuse me, guys, but what happens when someone steps on a nail? When it happened to Addison Block, we noticed her mom, Jill, but her other daughter keep playing.

[A]

We went in knowing that it's a place that could get hurt. It's the type of experience that kids in the city don't always get. I think that's great.

[C]

You're right, Mom. You know, you just can't get good tetanus in the city these days. You know what else you don't get in the city anymore? Polio. Why don't we dig up Franklin Roosevelt's bones and have kids rub up against them? Look, parents, just admit that you want to leave your kids alone in a vacant lot because you're sick of them. There's no shame in that. Again, it happened to me all the time. My mom left me at grocery stores and off track bedding parlors and the highway, but she never called them playgrounds. Okay? She had the decency to look me deep in my eyes and say, ronnie, I'm leaving you. And that is called parenting. Everyone always says they want to be rich, but be careful what you wish for, because sometimes you can get so rich you start doing dumb shit like this.

[B]

Silicon Valley is famous for its eccentric homes and outlandish property values. But the newest status symbol in the neighborhood Is the chicken coop. Scott Vanderlip's chickens make themselves right at home.

[C]

Are you gonna come in the house?

[B]

The software engineer believes he's found the perfect antidote to computers and code and has the big data to prove he's not alone. There are thousands, maybe 10,000 chicken coops in Silicon Valley. 10,000? There are a lot of coops.

[C]

That's right. Silicon Valley millionaires are adopting chickens as pets, because what do you get the person who has everything? How about bird flu? It's like they're so rich and comfortable, the only thing left to do is pretend to be poor. And if that's true, why stop at poultry farmer cosplay? Why not try donating your plasma for a can of soup? Or, I don't know, cleaning windshields at traffic lights or being a public school teacher. You know, poor people stuff. And you're probably wondering, what do you even do with a pet chicken? Turns out, nothing.

[B]

The birds sometimes get a break from eating bugs with treats like melons and salmon. Caring for the chickens is a family affair.

[A]

Justin and I, we will come home in the evening after a stressful day at work and pull up our chairs and just, like, sit here and watch the chickens go crazy.

[C]

Yeah, I don't think the chickens are the ones going crazy. All right? You're the ones drinking wine and watching birds poop on your lawn like it's Shakespeare in the Park. You're Silicon Valley. What are you doing? You give the world YouTube and Netflix. Remember, you can't invite people over to Chicken and chill. And it turns out these people don't even care about the animals. They're just showing off.

[B]

For the valley's growing community of backyard farmers, the investment in heritage birds pays off in a status symbol of sorts. Colorful eggs that can be given as gifts to friends.

[C]

Yeah, what a great gift. I love when I'm having a Super bowl party and my rich friend brings over raw, pale green eggs. Even the chickens must be like, what are you doing? Those came out of my chicken pussy, and now you're handing them out like Cuban cigars. Listen, if rich people want to own chickens like third world farmers, whatever, right? The problem is, when rich people pretend to be poor, they're still spending way too much money doing it.

[B]

Online companies are hatching plans for do it yourselfers to build stylish backyard coops.

[A]

I built this coop especially for them.

[B]

Laura Menard's custom built chicken coops have antique stained glass windows and detailing added by a master carpenter. Do you think your chickens are happier in there than they might be in a simpler coop.

[A]

No, I don't think they care.

[C]

You don't think they care? I know they don't care. Right? They're chickens. Oh, and by the way, if you're thinking about getting into this new chicken craze, I got some bad news. You're already too late.

[B]

I always tell people chickens are actually just the gateway drug to beekeeping. Beekeeping is the new thing, you know? Are you suggesting that sometime soon somebody's gonna say to me, backyar, that's so 2018.

[C]

Exactly. That's Silicon Valley for you. Hey, you just bought that new thing. Boom. It's obsolete. You like chickens? Well, you. It's bees now. But you know what, Trevor? I see what's happening here, okay? We're just going further down the evolutionary chain. That's why I've already invested in the next. Next trendy pet. All right? I'm talking about leeches. That's right, Silicon Valley. Make I one of these guys and suck it.

[B]

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[C]

Man that I used to be. I go down the stairs sideways. Go ahead. You in a rush?

[B]

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[C]

Is this sesame seeds on that bun?

[B]

Get it out of here. Kevin's bringing his signature high energy humor and physical comedy in a true return to his stand up origin. Watch Kevin Hart. Acting My Age. Now streaming only on Netflix.

[C]

America has a problem with food. You guys want your food to be cheap and fast, but also to be fresh and healthy. That's too many things, okay? You can't have both. It's like racial diversity at a ski lodge. It doesn't exist. And when Americans don't get everything they expect from their food, you end up with dumb lawsuits like this one.

[A]

The Reading Eagle reports on a $5 million class action lawsuit that accuses Godiva of misleading consumers. The suit says Godiva's packaging reads Belgium 1926, implying the chocolate is made there when it's actually made in Reading, Pennsylvania. Godiva says the Belgian brand is proud of its roots and the company's logo reflects the spirit.

[C]

Come on, guys. You're telling me that Americans care that their chocolate isn't from Belgium? I'll give you the money myself if you can show me where Belgium is on the map. But also Godiva. Why are you tricking people about where your chocolate is from? Nobody Cares. You could say that it was made in Bernie Sanders shoe and people would still eat it. Okay? People love chocolate so much that Willy Wonka killed kids, and we didn't even care because he made chocolate. Americans are so entitled. Not only does the cheap food have to be exotic, they also want it to be organic. Like this lady.

[A]

A Bronx woman is suing TGI Fridays for $5 million, claiming the restaurant's potato skin snacks aren't actually made of potatoes. The potato skin snacks come in bags, are sold in stores and vending machines across the country. The woman says she bought the snack at a Bronx bodega, but says she wouldn't have made the purchase if she knew the product didn't contain real potatoes. She claims the food is misbranded and not as healthy as the restaurant's popular appetizer.

[C]

Okay, so I get where this lady is coming from. I would also be pissed because you can't sell a snack called Potato Skins if it doesn't have any potatoes in it. Okay? Imagine if you got tickets to a Beyonce concert, and when you got there, I came out. You'll be furious. Why? Because you're not ready for the jelly. Ugh. But still, how is this lady suing for $5 million? Like, how much did she spend on these potato skins? $4. Okay, well, then she gets the $4 back. Okay? In fact, you know what? Here's a 10. Okay? Go buy yourself 30 seconds of therapy. I mean, honestly, who is expecting food from TGI Fridays? They give you two appetizers, two entrees, and two desserts, all for 20 bucks. That's not a meal. That's a yard sale. Again, we don't need a lawsuit. Just give the lady her money back. And TGI Fridays, you can still call them potato skins. You just have to put a question mark at the end. Yeah, that way you're not just selling a snack, you're selling a mystery. Seriously, America, you can't keep suing everything, okay? Just accept the fact that everyone is lying to you. Companies are lying to you, the government is lying to you, Your wife is cheating on you with me. Nothing is real, okay? You can't even trust water.

[A]

A judge has given new life to a class action lawsuit accusing Poland Spring of selling water that's sourced from wells and not springs. He ruled last week that an amended complaint can proceed with claims in eight states. Poland Springs corporate parent, Connecticut based Nestle Waters North America, reiterated Tuesday that its a meritless lawsuit and said the judge's decision doesn't undermine its confidence.

[C]

That's right. A woman is mad that Poland's spring water doesn't come from a spring. It comes from a well. Yeah, I just told the people in Flint, Michigan about this story, and they said to go yourself. Seriously, who actually thinks Poland's spring water comes from a spring in Poland? Do you also think your smart water went to mit? It's all marketing. Although, to be fair, CVS water does come from cvs. Okay, it's locally sourced from the CVS break room toilet. Look, I think America would have fewer lawsuits if people were more skeptical of what they put in their bodies in the first place. If you ask me, this is just a scheme people are using to try and get rich. Which is why I'm also joining in. Trevor, I am suing you. Consider yourself served.

[B]

What? Why?

[C]

Because the food you left in the fridge today wasn't organic, and I almost didn't finish it. Wait, what do you mean, the food?

[B]

That was my food.

[C]

You ate my lunch, Ronnie. That was my lunch. Trevor, we'll let the courts decide. One thing I've learned about Americans is that Americans love their pets. And I'm here to say why. Pets are kind of stupid. I mean, you spend all your time picking up their poop, and then on top of that, when they die, you have to go through all the trouble of throwing them in your neighbor's yard. Uh, no, thanks. But that's just me, okay? Other people are obsessed with their pets, and it's, quite frankly, getting out of control.

[A]

Dog owners often consider their pets part of the family.

[B]

And a new trend has some families treating their furry friends more like people.

[A]

It's called the humanization of pets. And it's become a big business across America. Massages, blueberry facials, even POD A cures.

[B]

This is where doggies come for their ultimate spa treatment. We then give them a massage, a grooming.

[C]

Okay, this is ridiculous. Dogs don't need a spa day. Every day of a dog's life is a spa day. Someone feeds you, someone bathes you. I mean, they roll over, they get a massage. But when I roll over on the massage table, I get arrested. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. And people aren't just throwing away their money on dog spas. They're also wasting it on fine doggy dining.

[B]

A Manhattan restaurant has rolled out a special menu just for dogs.

[A]

Check out what's on it. A $42 ribeye steak with steamed veggies.

[C]

A lemon drizzled salmon filet for 28 bucks.

[A]

Grilled chicken breast for 16, light bites of carrots and apples and a berry bowl.

[C]

Why are you feeding dogs $40 steaks? You realize dogs will eat their own poop? In fact, if I ran this restaurant, I would just take the poop from my last dog customer and feed it to the next dog customer, okay? The dogs would be just as happy. And you're recycling. So there's dog facials, dog massages, dog steaks, and if you want an extra helping of dumbass dog ideas, how about dog mansions?

[A]

A company in London has launched what's likely the most lavish dog houses you've ever seen.

[B]

Talk about a pampered pooch. Here, take a look. Each kennel has air conditioning, it has heating, it even has treat dispensers. Oh, and a conference calling system so you can communicate with your pup. By the way, prices start at $35,000 and go all the way up to $170,000.

[C]

$170,000? I mean, who are these rich crazy Caucasians? This is disgusting. Okay, There are millions of homeless dogs in shelters and these rich sons of are living in mansions. And I mean literally that our moms are bitches. That's the scientific term. By the way, what kind of dog needs a conference calling system? What would that call even sound like? Hey boy, just calling to check in. You still a dog? Oh, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. Okay, cool. Bye. You know what? Being human sucks, okay? I want to be a dog. That's why I'm officially putting myself up for adoption. To be someone's pet. That's right. I'm just as good as any dumb dog. I can sit, I can roll over, shake hands. And with just a few more weeks of yoga, soon I too will be able to lick my own butthole.

[B]

Extra value meals are back. That means 10 tender juicy McNuggets and medium fries and a drink are just $8 only at McDonald's for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska and California. And for delivery.

[A]

Don't chew on that, Max.

[C]

Cooper loves that chew too.

[A]

Oh, now he's into Cooper's food. Wow, he is loving it. What do you feed Cooper?

[B]

Blue Buffalo Life protection formula.

[C]

He never leaves a crumb.

[B]

I love it because it's made with high quality protein, nutrient rich fruits and veggies and wholesome whole grains.

[A]

Looks like we're switching to blue. Blue Buffalo foods are made with the superior ingredients your dog needs to thrive. Can your dog food say that? Visit feedbluefood.com to learn more.

[C]

At this point I think we can all agree that the Internet is basically giving us all brain damage, okay? Social media is constantly bombarding us with information we don't care about, like what my friend ate for breakfast and what my mom's watching on tv and when my wife had our baby.

[B]

Ugh.

[C]

The point is, social media is destroying everything. Just look at this guy who went viral for the dumbest thing possible.

[A]

Carson King. Thought he'd get a few laughs.

[B]

Just kind of thought it was a joke.

[A]

And maybe even a few bucks. On ESPN's College Game Day with a sign asking for beer money along with his actual Venmo account, the money started pouring in.

[B]

I had people from Texas, Idaho, California, Massachusetts. All told, King raised more than a million bucks.

[C]

This guy got a million dollars for beer? Are you kidding me? All he did was hold up a sign. This guy does it on TV and he's a hero. But when I held up a sign demanding money, all of a sudden I'm a bank robber and I took hostages, which is like a federal offense. And the fact that this even worked was stupid, Trevor. But not as stupid as what he did with the money.

[A]

He decided he'd donate all of it, minus the cost of one case of beer, to the University of Iowa Children's Hospital. It overlooks the Hawkeyes football field, where at home games, fans turn and wave to the kids. Hearing the news, Venmo and Bush beer both vowed to match the growing funds.

[C]

Wow, he gave all that money to a children's hospital? What an incredible insult to all the hard working Americans who thought it was for beer. Yo, at least he bought, like, one case of beer, okay? Although now there's just gonna be some kid who's $12 short of a new kidney. Oh, sorry, Timmy. We ran out of money. But we did put this empty can of Bud Light inside of you. Let's just see what happens. If you think this story couldn't get any stupider, remember, on the Internet, no good deed goes unpunished.

[A]

The Des Moines Register profiled King, and the reporter dug up a couple of offensive racist tweets from when King was 16 and sharing jokes from the Comedy Central show Tosh0.

[B]

It was brought to my attention by a reporter for the Des Moines Register. And once he pointed it out, I was really upset with myself.

[C]

Well, what a plot twist. The guy who raised over $2 million for sick kids also tweeted offensive jokes 10 years ago. So is he a good person or is he a bad person? I haven't been this confused about how to feel Since I got a boner for my great grandma's yearbook photo. But at least there's a clear lesson here. Never donate money you get for beer to a children's hospital, okay? Because you only become famous if you donate the money. If you keep the money, no one cares, and you're rich. If you think this story doesn't get any stupider, then you are as wrong as the feelings I have for my great grandmother, okay? Because get this. After reporter exposed this guy's old tweet, the reporter himself got his own 15 minutes of shame.

[B]

Internet users, angry about the paper digging up old tweets, did some digging of their own. This time on reporter Aaron Calvin. And lo and behold, they uncovered derogatory tweets about African Americans, gay people and women. The Des Moines Register then fired Calvin saying, quote, we took appropriate action because there's nothing more important than having readers trust.

[C]

That's right, the reporter who found the racist tweets had even worse racist tweets. Just a classic case of the pot calling the kettle the N word. Which is why I always say, don't point forward fingers on the Internet, because the Internet will finger you right back. So there you have it. The guy who raised the money is canceled. The reporter is canceled. I think the beer got canceled. And everything continues to be stupid.

[B]

Yes, but I, I, I think it.

[C]

Is still a happy ending here, Ronny, because at least the sick kids are gonna get that money. Well, actually, Trevor, I dug out some of these kids tweets and. Oh, man.

[B]

Ronny Chang, everybody. We'll be right there.

[C]

In the world of the Internet, there's one thing everyone is excited about right now. And I'm not talking about those stupid monkey NFTs. Everyone is buying non fungible. Have you never heard of a printer? Just print them all out there. I just saved you a million dollars. No, the hottest trend in tech right now is the Metaverse. And you know it's hot because no one will shut up about it.

[A]

The Metaverse is defined as a virtual reality space where people can play games, connect with friends, and even go to virtual concerts. A parallel world in your computer or phone.

[B]

The Metaverse is where tech is headed. You see Apple dedicating time here.

[C]

Microsoft, Samsung, Nvidia.

[B]

It's really hard to ignore or to.

[C]

Label this as a fad.

[A]

Facebook has changed its company name to Meta.

[B]

It's short for Metaverse, A virtual reality considered by many to be the future of the Internet.

[C]

That's right, Facebook changed its name to Meta before the Metaverse even Caught on. It's like tattooing a girl's name on your arm after two dates. Luckily, if it all goes south, Zuckerberg can just change it to Metamucil and pretend it was a fiber company the whole time. But, yes, the Metaverse is coming. Not that anybody asked for it. These companies just decided to move us all into the Metaverse, like they're putting their grandma into a nursing home. Sorry, Nana, you have to live in the computer now. But apparently, we should all be excited, because the Metaverse will let us build our own worlds and explore the limits of human imagination. Which makes you think you'll be flying on dragons through an orgy full of unicorns. You know, the thing we all dream about. The only problem is the Metaverse is being made by Microsoft and Facebook, so, you know it's gonna be boring as shit.

[A]

Meta is also working to bring remote workers into a similar virtual space. This app is called Facebook Workrooms, and it's designed for meetings. It's a sign of what a professional piece of the Metaverse will look like.

[B]

Basically gives you the opportunity to sit around a table with people and work and brainstorm and whiteboard ideas. It's this pretty amazing experience where you feel like you're really right there with your colleagues.

[A]

Microsoft just unveiling some new tools to immerse users in the workplace, integrating avatars and virtual reality features into teams. By the middle of next year, PowerPoint will be available in the Metaverse as well.

[C]

Oh, thank God. There'll be PowerPoint in the metaverse. I can't wait for the immersive experience of feeling like I'm inside a pie chart. So let me get this straight. The Metaverse gives us endless possibilities, and you want to have virtual meetings? Imagine a world where your Sharpie never runs out of ink. You did it again, Zuckerberg. And even though the Metaverse looks like the wet dream of a billionaire robot, somehow real people are laying down actual money to pretend to live there.

[A]

There's a land rush happening, and it's not in New York City or Beverly Hills. Early speculators, professional realtors, and celebrities are buying up virtual land for millions of dollars.

[B]

Sales of virtual land on the major metaverse platforms topped $500 million last year.

[A]

Celebrities like Snoop Dogg and Paris Hilton are also diving into the digital land grab. Here in the sandbox, this piece of land with Snoop Dogg's face on it is owned by the rapper. He's building a virtual mansion on it.

[B]

Buyers all want to be neighbor. Snoop Dogg's upcoming mansion A parcel next to him just selling for $500,000.

[C]

You're paying half a million dollars to live next to Snoop Dogg in the Metaverse? All that money and you can't even get a contact high. Hell, for half a million dollars, you can buy enough drugs to think you are Snoop Dogg. But this is how bad the real estate market is now. I'm being priced out of worlds that don't even exist. There's nothing more depressing than showing up to the Metaverse and needing a roommate. But even if you got rid of the meetings and the dumb houses, the Metaverse is always gonna be made up of people. And people are gonna make anything shitty.

[B]

Facebook parent company Meta is adding a feature to combat virtual reality harassment. It comes after a woman claims she was verbally and sexually harassed within a minute of joining a virtual game last year.

[A]

Less than 30 seconds into it, I was suddenly surrounded by three male avatars with male voices who were kind of saying sexual innuendos to me. Before I knew it, they were, for lack of a better word, groping my avatar.

[C]

That's right. Women are being harassed within seconds of joining the Metaverse. I guess they were right. It is just like a real office. Like, how is Facebook not prepared for this? Pervs have been a part of the Internet since day one. You know the sound your dial up connection used to make? That was your modem having an orgasm. Disgusting. So overall, it seems like the Metaverse is a total shit show. But there is one small silver lining.

[A]

A word of warning. If you're visiting the Metaverse insurance firm, Aviva says it saw a 31% increase in claims involving those VR headsets last year. You know, the ones that wear over your eyes? The average claim for VR related damages is about $880. Most of those incidents involved cracked TV screens. Aviva says it's already processed a number of claims. So far this year.

[B]

He did.

[C]

You know what? I take it all back. I love the Metaverse. Now, if it's gonna let the world's biggest dumbasses blow their savings on fake houses and then crash into their own TVs, this might be the best thing to happen to the Internet since they invented catfishing. So thank you, Zuckerberg. Unicorn dicks, here we come.

[A]

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[B]

If we knew more about our sleep, what would we do differently? Would we go to bed at a consistent time or take steps to reduce interruptions to our sleep? With the all new Sleep Score, Apple Watch measures your bedtime consistency, interruptions and sleep duration. Then every morning it combines these factors into an easy to understand score from 1 to 100.

[C]

So you'll know how to take the.

[B]

Quality of your sleep from good to excellent.

[C]

Introducing the new Sleep Score ON Apple.

[B]

Watch iPhone 11 or later required.

[C]

Statues they're not just fancy toilets for pigeons. They're the highest form of art, an expression of beauty that people come from around the world to marvel at. But some idiots are trying to marvel their way to second base.

[B]

A popular tourist attraction may soon get an overhaul because tourists won't stop getting handsy. The famous Dublin statue of a mythical fishmonger, Molly Malone. Malone's low cut dress is attracting people's groping hands. People are rubbing the statues so the protective covering has been rubbed away already from the bronze over a couple of years. So we will have to re patentate this regularly, which is a cost.

[C]

That's right. Horny morons have groped this statue so hard that a bronze finish wore off. Isn't the phrase kiss me, I'm Irish, not motorboat my cat's iron cleavage? I'm Irish. How about you just let a fishmonger monger her fish in peace without you morons trying to touch her heaving mahi mahis. It's. It's almost. Oh it gets worse. It's almost like these people don't know they aren't real boobs. Okay? It's not like a hard boiled egg where you crack open the shell and reveal real boobs. But surely people must be doing this for a good and not stupid reason.

[A]

The practice of rubbing Molly Malone's breast is believed to have begun around 2012. Instigated by an imaginative tour guide, they.

[C]

Grope Molly in the hope it will bring them luck. If it's lucky, I will touch it. If it's lucky, I touch it. If it's a hole I it. Ho ho ho ho ho. Can someone in Ireland please tell this guy that skydiving without a parasite is also lucky? Please? And if you want to fondle a sculpture, that's your business. But don't act like you're doing it for good luck, okay? You're in Ireland. If you need luck, go find a four leaf clover. Or eat a leprechaun. Or make a keychain with Colin Farrell's eyebrow. Luckily for Molly, they figured out a way to protect her from these goofy dipshits.

[A]

The practice of people setting more than their eyes on the famous fishmonger has prompted the city council to hire stewards to patrol her plinth. They hope this will be the end of the mauling of sweet Molly Malone.

[C]

Of course, hire some cops. It's a great idea. I mean, sorry, we can't do anything about your stolen car. We're busy fending off statue squeezers. I hope they at least give these guys guns. Cause I want someone's last words to be. Hey, everyone, check out me holding this boob.

[A]

Oh, wait.

[C]

No shoot. No shoot. But really, the only way to protect Molly Malone is to move her to my apartment. And no, it's not what you think. I will raise her like my own daughter. Day and night, I will watch over her, fending off suitors, killing those who wish her harm. And knowing that her safety is the only thing that adds purpose to my life. Until one day a nice Irish lad shows up and begs for her hand. At which point I will then lower my rifle and walk her down the aisle and say goodbye to my little girl forever. Anyway, it turns out that statue groping isn't just happening in Ireland. It's spreading across the globe like Horny.

[A]

Covid unlucky in love. Well, there's a tradition in Verona, Italy that promises to fix that. All you have to do is rub the right breast of a bronze statue of Shakespeare. The problem is, tens of thousands of people have been lining up to solve their love dilemmas.

[C]

Yes, I remember that scene in Shakespeare so well. Romeo, oh Romeo. Rub my right tit. Oh, Romeo. So, just so I'm clear on this. Thousands of people are looking for love by standing in line to touch a statue. How about you just turn around and say, hey, we're both lonely. Let's get out of this line and touch each other. And no, it's not just women statues getting action. The male statues are also getting rubbed raw.

[A]

Thousands of women a year flock to Paris to visit this man's grave. It's said that women who put a flower in his hat and kiss him on his lips will find a husband within a year. Many also believe the statue can encourage fertility, which encourages other acts which can be seen by the shine in other places.

[C]

Hey, buddy, how about you save some of the over the Pants, handjobs for rest the of. I mean, these people are dry humping a dead guy who's just trying to rest in peace when they could be going to town on this Dwayne Wade statue. I mean, look, he's practically begging for it. If there's a silver lining to these sexy statues, it's that they're forcing dumb people to learn something. I mean, maybe Americans would be more interested in history if we slapped some boobs on Mount Rushmore. Hey, dad, you know, George Washington had wooden teeth and pepperoni nipples. Thanks, thanks, statues. If you're super rich, the only thing better than spending your money is having other rich people see you spend your money. And the place you do that, Auctions. It's the place where a guy talks so fast that he tricks you into buying crazy shit you don't even need. Like, one time I raised my hand at an auction to ask where the bathroom was, and I ended up buying a yacht. And the yacht didn't even have a bathroom. You're just supposed to pee over the side like a barbarian. So auctions were always where the rich went to flex. But now it's just getting stupid.

[A]

Hey, are you a fan of grapes? Would you pay $460 to eat just one? A bunch of Ruby Roman grapes were sold at an auction for $11,000. The grapes are prized for their juiciness, high sugar content, and low acidity. It is the most expensive bunch since the breed came to market 12 years ago.

[C]

$11,000 for a bunch of grapes? Sold to the dumbest guy in the room. That's $500 per grape. And because they're grapes, you know you're gonna drop at least one and it's gonna roll under the fridge. Typical grape shit. And the mouse that picks up that grape automatically becomes the richest mouse of all time. If I'm buying grapes for $11,000, those grapes better come with a sexy man and a toga to feed them to me. And then slap the shit out of me for spending $11,000 on grapes. And look, if you think spending a couple thousand dollars on grapes isn't a big deal, what about spending $100,000 on a lump of plastic?

[B]

A little piece of the Force sold for a small fortune. A prototype Star wars action figure fetched just under $113,000 at an auction in Pennsylvania. Oh, my gosh. The rocket firing Boba Fett figure was originally intended to be part of a toy line for the Empire strikes back in 1979, but it never went into mass production. That's because it was deemed a potential safety hazard to children.

[C]

That's right. $113,000 for one toy. For that money, you could have bought all of Toys R Us. And the worst part is, you're dropping 100 grand on a toy that wasn't even good enough to be released. And I wonder why. Look, I don't remember the part in Star wars where Boba Fett captures Han Solo with a red dildo. This all just shows you that Star wars fans will buy any stupid bullshit even remotely related to Star Wars. And that's why I'm gonna start selling the Luke Skywalker Walker. So we have $10,000 grapes and a $100,000 broken toy. And if you're looking to blow a million bucks on something stupid, I've got just the auction for you.

[B]

Three original NASA videotapes of the Apollo.

[C]

11 moon landing sold at auction on.

[B]

The 50th anniversary for $1.8 million. They show Neil Arms Armstrong's first step on the moon and Buzz Aldrin planting the American flag there.

[C]

Footage of the moon landing. This guy just paid almost $2 million for something he could have watched on YouTube. Okay? For that money, you could buy the actual studio where they faked the moon landing. Also, these tapes have been sitting in a box for 50 years, okay? Someone must have taped over them by now. Whoever bought this is gonna be so pissed when they sit down to wait. And they're all just old episodes of Full House. So I get that the tapes are valuable, okay? But for that price, there better be a man in a sexy toga feeding me those tapes. So that's the world of stupid auctions that are really stupid. Okay? Any questions? Actually, I have a question. And.

[B]

Sold.

[C]

You're now the proud owner of a new yacht with a lot of pee on the side. Wait, I don't want to buy that.

[B]

I don't want to explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Hey, Ryan Reynolds here wishing you a very happy half off holiday, because right now, Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not half the service. Mint is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price. So that means half day. Yeah, Give it a [e-mail] switch upfront.

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