TDS Time Machine | Everything Trump Has Banned

Summary

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The Daily Show: Ears Edition

TDS Time Machine | Everything Trump Has Banned

Date: September 13, 2025
Host: Trevor Noah
Featuring: The Daily Show News Team | Guest Commentators

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Daily Show takes an incisively satirical dive into President Donald Trump's whirlwind spree of executive orders, focusing on the seemingly endless list of things he has "banned" or rolled back since returning to office. Trevor Noah and the team lampoon Trump’s policies, his approach to government, and the broader implications for American society. With characteristic wit and sharp commentary, the episode covers immigration, climate, diversity and inclusion, LGBTQ+ rights, “woke” culture, and even plastic straws—offering equal measures of humor and biting critique.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Trump’s Executive Order Frenzy

[01:18-02:25]

• Trevor Noah lampoons Trump’s relentless signing spree, joking that “he didn’t even know what he was signing.”
  • Quote: “If you could put anything in front of him yesterday, he would have signed it. Melania, now's your chance to update the prenup. Go, go, go, go, go.” (Trevor Noah, 01:29)
• Jokes about the Trump approach: “I’m going to go to President Trump with an open mind. You know, he won the election, which means he’s a great guy. Who’s right?”

2. Withdrawing from Global Agreements

[02:25-02:57]

• Paris Climate Accord Withdrawal: Trevor contextualizes it as a hokey pokey dance, with the US going in and out.
  • Quote: “We've been doing the hokey pokey of these guys for like 12 years. They didn’t even put us in a group chat anymore, okay?” (Trevor Noah, 02:29)
• Sarcastically downplays the significance, “We’re not gonna reach the emission goals anyway, okay? This world is over.”

3. Immigration and Citizenship

[02:57-03:52]

• Explains Trump’s efforts to end birthright citizenship, a constitutional right, and mocks the concept.
  • Quote: “If your score’s above 60, you’re going back to Asia or whatever shithole country has educational standards.” (Trevor Noah, 03:30)
• Describes a “campaign Trump” persona vs. the “President Trump” approach.

4. Pardons for January 6th Rioters

[03:52-04:50]

• Satirizes clemency granted to those who assaulted law enforcement: “Freeing violent criminals seems less moderate and more like something Bane did.”
  • Quote: “If you know your history, in that situation, Batman fixed it, okay? So concerns are overblown.” (Trevor Noah, 04:10)
• Highlights QAnon Shaman’s reaction: ‘Thank you, President Trump. Now I am going to buy some mother effing guns.’

5. Rollback of DEI and Civil Rights Programs

[04:50-06:35]

• Executive orders reversing diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) efforts; encourages federal employees to ‘snitch’ on inclusion initiatives.
  • Quote: “Don’t even think about doing DEI in secret. Don’t be meeting up in back alleys like, ‘Yo, you got any lesbian resumes for me today?’” (Trevor Noah, 05:27)
• Revocation of 1965’s affirmative action order (President Lyndon Johnson’s order).
  • Quote: “If a discrimination law has been around since 1965, it might be a load bearing civil rights thing. So maybe don’t touch it.” (Trevor Noah, 06:03)

6. Banning Transgender Service Members

[07:00-10:15]

• Trump bans transgender people from military service.
  • Quote: “Maybe they don’t say that, I don’t know, but that’s—look, I don't have a problem with transgender soldiers. As someone who pees himself anytime he hears a loud noise, I think we should be grateful to anyone who's willing to put their life on the line so I don't have to.” (Trevor Noah, 07:30)
• Critiques the rationale about “readiness” and recovery from surgery.
  • Quote: “What do you mean, readiness? Modern war is just telling a drone to drop bombs. Pretty sure it doesn't matter what your sex is to go like this.” (Trevor Noah, 09:40 [gestures dropping bomb])

7. Culture War Rhetoric & “Woke” Purge

[10:15-12:44]

• Trump removes “T” from federal LGBT references, restricting mention to “LGB.”
  • Quote: “They have no idea the damage T was doing to our nation. ... Because I think you'll agree with me, there is no T in USA.” (Correspondent, 11:26)
• Orders all references to gender ideology, pronouns, and related language to be wiped from government communications.
  • Quote: “No more pronouns and email signatures. Good luck signing your emails now, President Xi. Or should I say President him?” (Correspondent, 12:10)

8. Banning Trans Women from Women’s Sports

[13:07-14:17]

• Executive order against transgender women and girls’ participation in women’s sports.
  • Quote: “Maybe start with, I don't know, reproductive rights or pay inequality or why it's 2025 and still, none of my clothes have pockets.” (Guest Commentator, 13:38)

9. Rollback of Environmental and Other Regulations

[15:19-16:26]

• Trump reverses Biden-era regulations, including plastic straw ban.
  • Quote: “You okay? He's right on this one. ... I'm supposed to have some weird tissue paper dissolve in my mouth just because turtles can’t figure out straws aren’t food? No, don't eat the tubes, you stupid turtles.” (Correspondent, 15:49)

10. The “Woke” Word Purge and Free Speech

[16:26-17:38]

• List of banned or discouraged language in government—DEI, BIPOC, anti-racism, “sex,” “women,” etc.
  • Quote: “How can a lot of your cabinet members describe their weekends? ... But they love free speech, I guess.” (Correspondent, 16:55)

11. Demanding Removal of Unflattering Portraits

[17:38-18:31]

• Trump orders removal of a painting he deems unflattering.
  • Quote: “Really makes you think. Do you think other pictures of you are flattering? At least in the painting they blended the foundation into your hair.” (Correspondent, 18:08)

12. Militarization and Political Loyalty

[18:31-20:30]

• Trump’s Fort Bragg speech is critiqued for active-duty troops booing the media and his opponents.
  • Quote: “This is not a good look for the military. The military is supposed to be apolitical. … But maybe the reason these troops seem so MAGA is because the non-Trumpers didn’t want to be there.” (Guest Commentator, 19:14)
• Reports that Trump’s appearance was carefully staged, selecting pro-Trump soldiers and banning “fat soldiers” from TV screens.
  • Quote: “That really sums up the two principles of Donald Trump, doesn’t it? Number one, total loyalty. Number two, no fatties.” (Guest Commentator, 20:30)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On DEI rollbacks:
  “Donald Trump went back in time to kill baby DEI. It’s kind of impressive that he got this much focus. Trump is doing deep dives into these obscure old policies like he’s MAGA John Oliver.” (Trevor Noah, 06:03)

• On the banning binge:
  “Everything Trump does is all part of making America great again. Order one: roll back everything from the previous not great administration.” (Correspondent, 15:19)

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Notable Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | Description | |------------|----------------------------------------------|--------------------------------------------------| | 01:18 | Executive order spree | Trump signs anything put in front of him | | 02:25 | Paris agreement withdrawal | US “hokey pokey” with climate accords | | 02:57 | Birthright citizenship | Attempt to end constitutional right | | 03:52 | Pardons for Jan 6 rioters | Granting clemency to over 600 people | | 04:50 | DEI programs ban | Rollback & 'snitch' policy | | 06:00 | Johnson’s 1965 affirmative action revoked | Rolling back key civil rights order | | 07:00 | Military transgender ban | Exclusion of transgender service members | | 10:15 | “Our country is being lost” rhetoric | Trump’s campaign message | | 11:26 | Removal of “T” from LGBT | Federal references reduced to “LGB” | | 12:02 | Removal of gender/pronouns from government | Wiping identities from comms | | 13:07 | Ban on trans women in women’s sports | Title IX enforcement threat | | 15:19 | MAGA rollback spree | Reversing even the details (plastic straws) | | 16:26 | Purge of “woke” words from government | Bizarre list of banned terms | | 17:38 | Demanding portrait removal | Trump’s obsession with image | | 18:31 | Military rallies and loyalty | Fort Bragg speech and “no fat soldiers” policy |

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Tone and Humor

The episode delivers relentless, rapid-fire satire. There’s an underlying mix of incredulity and alarm at the breadth of Trump’s bans, but the comedic approach—through sarcasm, absurd analogies, and relentless quips—makes the critique both entertaining and sharp. The hosts employ metaphors, mock conspiracy, and even self-deprecation, from references to Batman villains to subtle jabs at “woke” culture and even their own fluency in American history.

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In Conclusion

TDS Time Machine | Everything Trump Has Banned offers a comprehensive, comedic snapshot of Trump’s flurry of executive orders, blending news, cultural critique, and humor to highlight (and lampoon) the reversals in civil liberties, environmental policy, LGBTQ+ rights, and more. For anyone wanting both a laugh and a digestible rundown of the latest “bans,” this episode is a quintessential Daily Show experience.

Transcript

[Host/Announcer]

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[Trevor Noah]

Whoa.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

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[Host/Announcer]

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[Correspondent/Comedian]

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[Host/Announcer]

It was just moments ago. We do same day pickup. Here's your check for that great offer.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

It is the future.

[Host/Announcer]

It's. It's the present. And just the convenience of Carvana. Sorry to blow your mind.

[Trevor Noah]

It's all good.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

Happens all the time.

[Host/Announcer]

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[Correspondent/Comedian]

You're listening to Comedy Central.

[Trevor Noah]

Even after he got back to the White House, he just kept signing. I mean, this. This guy was so in the zone, he didn't even know what he was signing.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

Withdrawing from.

Withdrawing from the World Health Organization.

[Trevor Noah]

Ooh, ooh. He's withdrawing from the World Health Organization. Like he's hearing the dessert options. Yeah, yeah, I'll have the tiramisu and potential measles outbreak with that. I mean, if you could put anything in front of him yesterday, he would have signed it. Melania, now's your chance to update the prenup. Go, go, go, go, go. But you know, but you know what? I'm not gonna be shitting on President Trump. Okay? Okay, sure, he pulled out of the who, but like, who are those guys? What, What. What are the odds there's ever gonna be a pandemic requiring global cooperation? So I'm gonna go to President Trump with an open mind. You know, he won the election, which means he's a great guy. Who's right? So I'm sure his executive orders are reasonable.

[Host/Announcer]

Trump pulled the US out of the Paris climate accords.

[Trevor Noah]

Okay, okay, look, he. I know that sounds bad for these woke liberals, but like, does it really matter? You know, one year we're in, next year we're out. We've been doing the hokey pokey of these guys for like 12 years. They didn't even Put us in a group chat anymore, okay? Also, news flash, Paris Accord. Yo. We're not gonna reach the emission goals anyway, okay? This world is over.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

And Trump is gonna try through executive order to end birthright citizenship. It's a constitutional right that those born on American soil are US Citizens regardless of their parents immigration status.

[Trevor Noah]

Okay, okay, that. That does sound like a major change. Birthright citizenship has been in the constitution for over 100 years. But on the other.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

Can you just.

[Trevor Noah]

Be a US Citizen just because you were born here? I mean, I think all citizens should have to prove that they're truly American by taking a quiz on American history and failing it.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

Okay?

[Trevor Noah]

If your score. If Your score's above 60, you're going back to Asia or whatever shithole country has educational standards. It sounds like there's a campaign Trump that says things to win. And then there's a President Trump who rules more moderately overnight with the stroke of a pen.

[Host/Announcer]

President Trump issuing sweeping pardons to nearly all of the rioters charged for their actions on January 6th.

[Guest/Commentator]

So this is January 6th.

[Host/Announcer]

Trump even granting clemency to the more than 600 people charged with assaulting or resisting law enforcement.

[Trevor Noah]

Okay, look, freeing violent criminals from prisons seems less moderate and more like something Bain did, okay? But you know what? If you know your history in that situation, Batman fixed it, okay? So concerns are overblown. And look, these guys have been in prison for like two whole months already, okay? I'm sure they've learned their lesson.

[Host/Announcer]

Jacob Chancely, we know him as also the QAnon Shaman. He put out something on social media where he said, I got a pardon, baby. Thank you, President Trump. Now I am going to buy some mother effing guns.

[Trevor Noah]

See, he learned his lesson. On Monday, he wiped out all federal DEI programs. And yesterday he ordered that if anyone, anyone. If you see anyone trying to be inclusive, you better tell teacher.

[Host/Announcer]

The Trump administration asking federal workers to snitch on their co workers in a rollback of diversity, equity and inclusion programs. Employees have been told to report any colleagues who work in diversity, equity and inclusion roles, or they could face consequences. NBC News obtained emails sent to multiple agencies that say some of these programs are disguised using coded or imprecise language.

[Trevor Noah]

Yeah, you hear that? Don't even think about doing DEI in secret. Right? Don't be meeting up in back alleys like, yo, yo, you got any lesbian resumes for me today? And I know you think DI was only invented in 2020 by Democrats looking for a fresh new way to lose elections, but Donald Trump is dedicated to Rooting out di all throughout history.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

One of the president's executive orders revokes an executive order signed by President lyndon Johnson in 1965 that the Trump administration.

Says mandated affirmative action.

[Trevor Noah]

That's right. Donald Trump went back in time to kill baby dei. It's kind of impressive that he got this much focus. Trump is doing deep dives into these obscure old policies like he's MAGA John Oliver. And look, I. I'm not, I'm not gonna pretend to know more about civil rights law than Donald Trump. I mean, he's been sued over it many times. But if a discrimination law has been around since 1965, it might be a load bearing civil rights thing. So maybe don't touch it.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

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[Host/Announcer]

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[Correspondent/Comedian]

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[Trevor Noah]

Don't be so self defecating with major issues, Oscar.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

Oh God, not again. The paper only on Peacock. Streaming now. Donald Trump was busy getting our military in shape so he can finally fulfill our country's conquering Greenland. And first, we're going to need to have as many troops as possible. President Trump has signed several executive orders to reshape the military, including directive banning transgender service members. Okay, did I say as many troops? I mean, fewer troops, right? You know what they say in the army, Less is more. Look, maybe they don't say that, I don't know, but that's. Look, I don't have a problem with transgender soldiers. As someone who pees himself anytime he hears a loud noise, I think we should be grateful to anyone who's willing to put their life on the line so I don't have to.

But hey, yeah, okay, but I'm open.

Minded about being closed minded. So what's the issue here? President Trump signed an executive order calling transgender people unfit to serve.

[Guest/Commentator]

One part says being transgender is, quote, not consistent with the humility and so.

[Host/Announcer]

Selflessness required of a service member.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

Another says being trans conflicts with, quote, an honorable, truthful and disciplined lifestyle, even in one's personal life. Yeah, well, look, it makes sense that the military has to be honorable, truthful and disciplined. Sure, this is your Secretary of defense, but that's all the more reason. That's all the more reason that the rest of Them have to have their shit together. It's like how every Beatles album had to be packed with hits to make up for that one song that Ringo wrote about wanting to an octopus or whatever. I gotta say, the military sure has a lot of ethical rules for their mission of killing people. Hey, you wanna blow some guy's head off, you better say please and thank you. But to be fair, Trump had another argument against trans soldiers as well. They specifically cite readiness with transition surgeries. If you have a transition surgery, the recovery time and the narcotics that you have to be on as part of the process could affect your readiness for up to 12 months. Oh, up to 12 months. Do you know how long our wars last? I think they'll have you back in. Back in the game in no time. Vietnam War, 11 years. Afghanistan War, 20 years. Even our storage wars last 15 seasons. First of all, transgender people make up, so, Commander in Chief, you're ruining the lives of people who are dedicated to serving America while doing nothing to affect the larger military. I don't see why a transition surgery should affect readiness more than any other surgery. Trump is acting like they're doing transition surgeries on the front lines. Medic. I need a medic over here. We gotta get this guy a labia station. Also, what do you mean, readiness? Modern war is just telling a drone to drop bombs. Pretty sure it doesn't matter what your sex is to go like this. That's how they drop bombs.

When Trump ran for president, he had an urgent message about the state of our country.

[Guest/Commentator]

Our country is being lost. We're a failing nation. We are a nation in decline. We have to fight for our country, and. And we have to fight like we've never fought before. It's like we're a giant garbage can.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

How dare you. If anything, America is a recycling bin, useless, and made almost entirely of plastic. But that said, we have to fight to save our country. And now Daddy's home, and he's about to take out the trash. And two weeks into the Trump presidency, we have a better sense of the evil and powerful forces that have been dragging our once great nation into decline.

[Host/Announcer]

The Trump administration removed transgender references from federal government websites. It now reads LGB instead of lgbt.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

They have no idea the damage T was doing to our nation. Consonants. Because I think you'll agree with me, there is no T in usa. If you spell it out, obviously, that becomes an issue. And if you want a BLT for lunch, things can get ugly. But nothing will stop America's low T like no tea. What other Changes are making us great again.

[Host/Announcer]

The Trump administration ordering all gender ideology references be removed, including pronouns and email signatures.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

Oh yeah, consonants and pronouns. Your next prepositions. No more pronouns and email signatures. Good luck signing your emails now. President Xi. Or should I say President him?

[Guest/Commentator]

Donald Trump has already moved on because he's basically the norovirus. Every day he spews executive orders all over the place. And while we struggle to clean up all the puke, he comes out the other end with something even worse. He tried to buy out the entire workforce of the CIA. His DOJ is going after anyone who's investigated him. And now he has defeated America's biggest.

[Host/Announcer]

Threat at the White House today. President Trump signing an executive order banning transgender women and girls from competing in women's sports.

[Guest/Commentator]

With this executive order, the war on women's sports is over. We're putting every school receiving taxpayer dollars on notice that if you let men take over women's sports teams or invade your locker rooms, you will be investigated for violations of Title IX and riskier federal funding.

You notice how he paused right before invade your locker rooms? Like, maybe we won't make that illegal. Should have proofread this. Look, it's bad enough that he's banned trans women from sports, but spare us the performance of pretending that this is a top issue for women in this country. Maybe start with, I don't know, reproductive rights or pay inequality or why it's 2025 instead. Still, none of my clothes have pockets.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

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[Correspondent/Comedian]

Everything Trump does is all part of making America great again.

Order one.

Roll back everything from the previous not great administration. Regulations on the environment, regulations on the second Amendment, the Title IX guidance. And not just the big shit. You want to make America great again. You can't skimp on the details.

[Host/Announcer]

President Trump says he's going to reverse.

[Guest/Commentator]

Joe Biden's mandate to phase out plastic straws, saying enjoy your next drink without.

[Host/Announcer]

A straw that disgustingly dissolves in your mouth.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

You okay? He's right on this one. He is right on this one. Those straws are terrible. Objectively terrible. I'm supposed to have some weird tissue paper dissolve in my mouth just because turtles can't figure out straws aren't food? No, don't eat the tubes, you stupid turtles. So Trump is making America great again. By taking us back to 2016.

The Trump administration is actively trying to purge the federal government of so called WOKE initiatives. Government agencies have flagged hundreds of words to limit or avoid words like dei, bipoc, anti racism, Latinx, Native American, black women, seemingly random words like expression at risk, political and even mental health. And sex.

What's left? Bipoc and Latinx. I get that you're not allowed to say sex. You can't say words like women or sex or MeToo. How can a lot of your cabinet members describe their weekends? You know, you can't protest in a way that you can't protest in a way that offends the right. You can't teach things that the right doesn't want you to teach. You can't read things that they don't want you to read. You can't use words that they don't want you to use. But they love free speech, I guess. Fear not. At least we'll always have art.

President Trump demanding a painting of him be removed because he finds it unflattering.

He's demanding they take it down because he believes this picture is unflattering, which really makes you think. Do you think other pictures of you are flattering? At least in the painting they blended the foundation into your hair on. But painting is out.

[Guest/Commentator]

But what got the most attention wasn't what Donald Trump said, but how much the troops enjoyed it.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

President Trump's rally style speech yesterday at Fort Bragg in North Carolina. He had active duty troops booing the media, booing his political opponents.

[Guest/Commentator]

You think this crowd would have showed up for Biden? I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think So I mean, fake news, ladies and gentlemen. Look at him. Look at them all. Have to put up with fake news. What I have to put up with in Los Angeles, the governor of California and the mayor of Los Angeles.

Oh, those boos are very upsetting. And not just because they remind me of my fifth grade talent show. And looking back, I probably shouldn't have performed the entirety of Eddie Murphy's role raw. I gotta say, I gotta say, this is not a good look for the military. The military is supposed to be a political. That graphic is so off. I'm sorry. Oh, I gotta say, I gotta say, this is not a good look for the military. The military is supposed to be apolitical. They don't serve Democrats or Republicans. They protect all of us, even Jill Stein voters, for some reason. But maybe the reason these troops seem so MAGA is because the non Trumpers didn't want to be there.

[Host/Announcer]

According to Military.com, memos from Fort Bragg reveal a tightly orchestrated effort to curate the optics of Trump's recent visit, including hand picking soldiers for the audience based on political leanings. Other rules for troops appearing on camera included no fat soldiers.

[Guest/Commentator]

Wow, that really sums up the two principles of Donald Trump, doesn't it? Number one, total loyalty. Number two, no fatties.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount.

[Trevor Noah]

Plus.

[Correspondent/Comedian]

This has been a Comedy Central podcast.