Transcript
John Hodgman (0:00)
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Trevor Noah (1:01)
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Stephen Colbert (1:18)
November is upon us, but the memories of this year's Halloween linger on. Memories that hang from the branches of trees in your front yard or remain split, splattered on the hood of your Ford Winstar. But lawmakers of the House of Representatives will remember this Halloween season as the time a large group of men in incredibly authentic SWAT costumes evacuated them for two hours after security mistook a toy gun carried by two congressional staffers on their way to a Halloween party as a real gun. Basically, it was kind of trick or put that pumpkin head down or I will blow your head off. Do you understand me? TC being it. US Capitol Police Chief Terrence Gaynor explained the situation. The item that was brought in was brought in by the females. I don't think they had any ill intent. They had their Halloween costumes in preparation for parties tonight and tomorrow, and I just don't think we're thinking clearly through this. He added. But what do I know? I'm actually just an accountant in a policeman's costume. Now give me a Snickers or you're under arrest. Illinois Congressman John Shimkus, known to his friends as Shimkus, admitted, I don't know that for a fact, by the way. Admitted afterwards, a member of his staff was behind the scare and apologized, saying, quote, the staffers wish to convey their deepest regrets to all members. This was an unfortunate Halloween misunderstanding. In a related story, Kobe Bryant has now changed his plea to unfortunate Halloween misunderstanding.
John Hodgman (3:14)
Hello, my dearies. Halloween is right around the corner. Which reminds me, I need to get a costume. Now, according to my local CBS, Halloween is a two month festival beginning September 1st, which celebrates the worst candy of all time. But actually, Halloween is an ancient holiday with a rich and spooky history. And by spooky, I mean interesting. It all started in ancient Ireland, where they celebrated the earliest version of Halloween. The festival of Samhain. That's right. The Irish gave us not one, but two holidays where people get wasted and have sex behind a Dunkin Donuts. Hey, Ireland. Thank you. They believe that on the night of October 31, the veil between the world and the afterlife was lifted and that spirits returned for one night, like a divorced dad on your birthday. So to win favor with the spirits, they lit bonfires and offered gifts to them. But most importantly, they disguised themselves in costumes so the dead wouldn't recognize them. Because trust me, no one wants to get stuck in a conversation with a ghost. They're always like, avenge me, avenge me. It's like, okay, weirdo, I just met you. Costumes during Samhain consisted of animal heads and skins. Ew. But in their defense, it was ancient times. Those were the only costumes Party City had back then. For thousands of years, Samhain was celebrated in Ireland by the Celtics. Sorry, Celtics. Until Ireland got a very special delivery on its doorstep. Catholicism and the Catholics gave the festival a holy makeover naming November 1st All Saints Day, aka All Hallows, making the night before Hallows Eve. Eventually, this evolved into Halloween. Like many other scary things, you have the Catholic Church to thank. After this transition, the earliest version of trick or treating began. Medieval beggars would pray for people's dead relatives in exchange for food. And that's pretty depressing. Outsourcing your praying to the less fortunate. I mean, how lazy are you? Oh, my postmates with a single bottle of water is here. Bring it in. But there was fun trick or treating too. Kids dressed up in costumes and offered to sing or recite a poem in exchange for food or money or wine. And I know what you're thinking. Kids drinking wine. But don't worry, it's Irish wine. So it's basically just rancid grape juice. In the 18th and 19th centuries, Halloween started getting popular around the world, especially in America, after a Halloween poem by Robert Burns became popular. And I know it might seem weird that something became mainstream due to poetry, but if you think about it, it's the same way we all learned about siserp at the turn of the century. The influx of Irish immigrants made Halloween even better, bigger in the US and it actually started to get a little rowdy. Kids used the day as an excuse for vandalism and general assholery, a tradition that continues to this day. Mother f er. I will kick your ass at soccer practice, Timmy. It was so bad, some politicians wanted to cancel Halloween altogether. Luckily, the solution was already built. Trick or treating. Everyone figured out that if they gave kids choice treats in exchange for not acting like little dickheads, they'd be chill. Trick or treating exploded by the 1950s with the mass production of candy. Although back then, candy was weird. They had all these suggestive names like Zag Nuts and Sugar Daddies. If you like candy, kids, you'll love Uncle Jimmy's Pole Smokers.