TDS Time Machine | Halloween

Summary

The Daily Show: Ears Edition

Episode: TDS Time Machine | Halloween
Date: November 1, 2025
Host: Comedy Central (various correspondents: Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Steve Carell, Kristen Schaal, Ronny Chieng, John Hodgman, Trevor Noah)

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Episode Overview

This special, time-traveling Halloween episode of The Daily Show takes a deep dive into the holiday’s history, cultural quirks, controversies, and the evolving (and often absurd) traditions that surround it in America and beyond. Through a rapid-fire blend of news satire, panel banter, and sketch comedy, the episode explores Halloween's pagan roots, its corporate commercialization, anxieties over costumes and candy, as well as how contemporary issues like the pandemic have radically altered the celebration. Expect witty commentary, memorable character monologues, and a healthy dose of tongue-in-cheek analysis of everything from "sexy pizza" costumes to haunted carwashes and trick-or-treating during COVID.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Halloween Headlines & Political Follies

• SWAT Costume Scare in Congress
  • Stephen Colbert (01:18): Recounts a Capitol evacuation triggered by staffers' realistic costumes, lampooning the absurdity with, “trick or put that pumpkin head down or I will blow your head off.”
  • Quotes Capitol Police Chief's reassurance about “no ill intent,” then jokes, “But what do I know? I’m actually just an accountant in a policeman’s costume. Now give me a Snickers or you’re under arrest.”
• Parody apology about a "Halloween misunderstanding," poking fun at politicians’ ability to overreact and deflect responsibility.

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2. Historical Origins of Halloween

• John Hodgman’s Spooky History Lesson (03:14)
  • Delivers a comedic but informative monologue:
    • Details Samhain as Halloween’s Celtic root, with jokes about Ireland giving us “two holidays where people get wasted and have sex behind a Dunkin Donuts.”
    • Explains why costumes started: “no one wants to get stuck in a conversation with a ghost. They're always like, avenge me, avenge me.”
    • Transitions to Catholic influence, the start of “All Hallows Eve,” and the evolution of trick-or-treating—citing depressing “outsourcing your praying to the less fortunate.”
    • The Americanization of Halloween: “Kids used the day as an excuse for vandalism and general assholery, a tradition that continues to this day…”
    • On 1950s candy: “If you like candy, kids, you'll love Uncle Jimmy's Pole Smokers.”
  • Quote: “It's about making as much money as possible. It's the most expensive holiday after Christmas, and we don't even get a PlayStation out of it. Just some highly regrettable photos in a mouthful of cavities.” (06:57)

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3. What Halloween Means (or Doesn’t)

• Even Stephen Debate — Stephen Colbert & Steve Carell (08:32)
  • Satirical debate about whether Halloween is a pagan corruption or harmless fun.
  • Steve Carell (09:00): “Every year, the forces of darkness get a foothold in the minds of our children under the deceptive guise of All Hallows Eve. Well, I say it's time to just say no to pagan rituals that lead our youngsters toward the pit of damnation.”
  • The absurd escalation of retaliation for healthy snacks: “Flaming bags of excrement were thrown at their houses.”
  • Awkward roleplay about trick-or-treating, ending in refusal: “Halloween isn’t until tomorrow. Bye.” (12:47)
  • Memorable moment: Steve insists Stephen ring the doorbell and beg for candy; Stephen stubbornly refuses.

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4. Corporate Gimmicks & Haunted Houses

• Ronny Chieng Rants on Halloween Businesses (13:19)
  • Skewers haunted car washes (“The cleanest car in Ohio? Who cares? It’s still in Ohio.”) and the proliferation of haunted house “extreme” challenges:
    • On “scary” attractions: “Close contact with disgusting creatures that may touch you. That's not a haunted house. That's a sleepover at Jeffrey Epstein's place.” (15:25)
  • On fast food promos:
    • “That drink got banned in New York. Do you know how bad that coffee has to be to be considered a health risk in New York? This is the same city where pizza gets delivered by a rat, right?” (16:47)
  • Closing burn: “If you want to spend money to have a shitty night, just go on a Tinder date, okay?” (15:49)
  • Prefers to eat Halloween candy in front of kids to teach, “nothing in life is free.” (17:16)

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5. Sexualization of Costumes

• Panel with Kristen Schaal: The “Sexy Everything” Phenomenon (18:54)
  • Stephen Colbert notes how hard it is for women to find non-sexy costumes.
  • Kristen Schaal embraces the trend satirically:
    • “The fact that women get this one night… to be viewed as sexual objects. And we get to choose what kind!”
    • “When my mom was growing up… she only had two options for a Halloween costume. Sexy secretary or sexy meter maid… a woman is free to be a sexy whatever the hell she wants.” (20:00)
  • Recites “sexy” costumes for everything – sexy carrot, pizza, even “sexy Hollywood producer who hires women over 40 for meaningful age appropriate roles.”
  • Jokes about “taking it to the next level” by debuting “sexy vagina” as a costume, drawing mock alarm from the panel.
  • Colbert: “To be perfectly honest, I don't know that pizza needs cleavage to make it sexy. You know what I mean?” (21:05)

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6. Produce Pete: The Halloween Apple Recipe (24:34)

• Steve Carell as “Produce Dracula”
  • Provides a hilariously underwhelming caramel apple recipe, admits “You have to be an idiot not know how to make these.”
  • Reminisces about Halloween parties and the perils of hosting kids, only to become the neighborhood pariah.

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7. Political Satire: Halloween at the White House

• Trump’s Candy Giveaway (26:42)
  • Stephen Colbert & Trevor Noah mock President Trump’s awkward interactions with trick-or-treating children, and his penchant for backhanded compliments:
    • “Well, you have no weight problems. So you take out whatever you need.” (28:00)
  • Pence joke: All green M&Ms removed, “I can't be alone with a sexy woman.”

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8. Stand-Up Segment: Miami Halloween / Costume Outrage (29:33)

• Trevor Noah riffs on Halloween in different American regions:
  • Miami: “Here in Miami… you guys dress sexy every day… so for Halloween you should have the unsexy version of things… like a modest lifeguard costume, or conservative stripper.”
  • Florida’s “stand your ground” laws: “Just to be on the safe side for Halloween, I just walk around with my hands up the whole time. That's all I do. Hands up people. Like, what are you supposed to be? Alive, Mother—!” (30:36)
• Halloween Costume Controversies
  • Story of a dad dressing his five-year-old as Hitler, skewered as “not a costume, that was a uniform”—“Costumes are things you can buy at Walmart. That shit is something you discover in a storage unit in Argentina.” (32:20)

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9. Global & Pandemic Halloween

• Hong Kong Protests Camouflaged by Costumes (33:41)
  • “Genius move for protesters to blend in with regular people celebrating Halloween. The police can’t tell the difference between protesters and trick or treaters.”
• Halloween During COVID-19 (35:47)
  • Many cities ban trick-or-treating; creative solutions arise:
    • Candy slides, pulley systems, drones to deliver candy.
    • “All it took was the possibility of a few kids not getting candy and half of suburbia turned into Elon Musk.” (38:17)
  • Pandemic-inspired costumes: toilet paper rolls, hand sanitizer, and “sexy mail-in ballot.”
  • Trevor Noah: “If you're a sexy mail in ballot, you should have been in the mail by yesterday. You realize what you've done? You're too late.” (39:44)
  • “Whatever you do, do not dress up as a doctor or a nurse this year, cause sexy nurse or not your ass is gonna get put to work quick.” (40:23)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Stephen Colbert (on Congress evacuation):
  “But what do I know? I'm actually just an accountant in a policeman’s costume. Now give me a Snickers or you’re under arrest.” (01:55)
• John Hodgman (on Samhain):
  “The Irish gave us not one, but two holidays where people get wasted and have sex behind a Dunkin Donuts.” (03:40)
• Steve Carell (on Halloween’s “darkness”):
  “No, I ate carrot sticks and my parents gave out little bags of applesauce. … Flaming bags of excrement were thrown at their houses.” (10:19)
• Ronny Chieng (on haunted carwashes):
  “The cleanest car in Ohio? Who cares? It’s still in Ohio.” (14:11)
• Kristen Schaal (on sexy costumes):
  “This year, women can even be sexy inanimate objects… sexy carrots, sexy guitar, or this one for sexy carb lovers—sexy pizza.” (20:27)
• Steve Carell (Produce Dracula):
  “You have to be an idiot not know how to make these [caramel apples].” (25:08)
• Trevor Noah (Halloween in Miami):
  “Like a conservative stripper? That would be dope. No clothes come off, only erections of the heart.” (29:57)
• Trevor Noah (on costumes gone wrong):
  “Costumes are things you can buy at Walmart. That shit is something you discover in a storage unit in Argentina.” (32:20)
• Trevor Noah (on Halloween adaptations during COVID):
  “All it took was the possibility of a few kids not getting candy and half of suburbia turned into Elon Musk.” (38:17)
• Trevor Noah (on work expectations for sexy costumes):
  “Cause sexy nurse or not, your ass is gonna get put to work quick.” (40:23)

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Key Timestamps

• 01:18 – [Stephen Colbert] Halloween SWAT incident at Capitol
• 03:14 – [John Hodgman] History of Halloween — from Samhain to today
• 08:32 – [Even Stephen: Colbert & Carell] Debating Halloween’s meaning & parental trauma
• 13:19 – [Ronny Chieng] Halloween business scams/ridiculous haunted houses
• 18:54 – [Panel w/ Kristen Schaal] “Sexy Everything” costumes — satire and critique
• 24:34 – [Produce Dracula] Caramel apple “recipe” and Halloween mishaps
• 26:42 – [Trump Halloween event parody] The president’s awkward candy-giving
• 29:33 – [Trevor Noah] Stand-up: Miami Halloween and costume controversies
• 33:41 – [Global perspective] Hong Kong protests blend with Halloween; Halloween during COVID
• 35:47 – [Pandemic Halloween] Candy “logistics”, masked costumes, and new safety rituals
• 39:44 – [Pandemic costumes] Toilet paper, mail-in ballot, and healthcare worker costumes

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Recap & Tone

The episode blends satirical history, biting social critique, and absurdist humor, zeroing in on how Halloween reflects America’s (and humanity’s) perpetual collision of ancient superstition, moral panic, political gaffes, and late-capitalist consumer insanity. The correspondents maintain their signature irreverence and meta-comedy, poking fun at their own childhoods, the absurdity of corporate Halloween, and the American ability to adapt or commercialize anything — even a pandemic.

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For listeners who missed the episode, expect witty banter, smart historical context, pointed political satire, and a cascade of memorable jokes about everything from medieval Irish wine to haunted car washes and “sexy mail-in ballot” costumes.

Transcript

[John Hodgman]

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[Trevor Noah]

You're listening to Comedy Central.

[Stephen Colbert]

November is upon us, but the memories of this year's Halloween linger on. Memories that hang from the branches of trees in your front yard or remain split, splattered on the hood of your Ford Winstar. But lawmakers of the House of Representatives will remember this Halloween season as the time a large group of men in incredibly authentic SWAT costumes evacuated them for two hours after security mistook a toy gun carried by two congressional staffers on their way to a Halloween party as a real gun. Basically, it was kind of trick or put that pumpkin head down or I will blow your head off. Do you understand me? TC being it. US Capitol Police Chief Terrence Gaynor explained the situation. The item that was brought in was brought in by the females. I don't think they had any ill intent. They had their Halloween costumes in preparation for parties tonight and tomorrow, and I just don't think we're thinking clearly through this. He added. But what do I know? I'm actually just an accountant in a policeman's costume. Now give me a Snickers or you're under arrest. Illinois Congressman John Shimkus, known to his friends as Shimkus, admitted, I don't know that for a fact, by the way. Admitted afterwards, a member of his staff was behind the scare and apologized, saying, quote, the staffers wish to convey their deepest regrets to all members. This was an unfortunate Halloween misunderstanding. In a related story, Kobe Bryant has now changed his plea to unfortunate Halloween misunderstanding.

[John Hodgman]

Hello, my dearies. Halloween is right around the corner. Which reminds me, I need to get a costume. Now, according to my local CBS, Halloween is a two month festival beginning September 1st, which celebrates the worst candy of all time. But actually, Halloween is an ancient holiday with a rich and spooky history. And by spooky, I mean interesting. It all started in ancient Ireland, where they celebrated the earliest version of Halloween. The festival of Samhain. That's right. The Irish gave us not one, but two holidays where people get wasted and have sex behind a Dunkin Donuts. Hey, Ireland. Thank you. They believe that on the night of October 31, the veil between the world and the afterlife was lifted and that spirits returned for one night, like a divorced dad on your birthday. So to win favor with the spirits, they lit bonfires and offered gifts to them. But most importantly, they disguised themselves in costumes so the dead wouldn't recognize them. Because trust me, no one wants to get stuck in a conversation with a ghost. They're always like, avenge me, avenge me. It's like, okay, weirdo, I just met you. Costumes during Samhain consisted of animal heads and skins. Ew. But in their defense, it was ancient times. Those were the only costumes Party City had back then. For thousands of years, Samhain was celebrated in Ireland by the Celtics. Sorry, Celtics. Until Ireland got a very special delivery on its doorstep. Catholicism and the Catholics gave the festival a holy makeover naming November 1st All Saints Day, aka All Hallows, making the night before Hallows Eve. Eventually, this evolved into Halloween. Like many other scary things, you have the Catholic Church to thank. After this transition, the earliest version of trick or treating began. Medieval beggars would pray for people's dead relatives in exchange for food. And that's pretty depressing. Outsourcing your praying to the less fortunate. I mean, how lazy are you? Oh, my postmates with a single bottle of water is here. Bring it in. But there was fun trick or treating too. Kids dressed up in costumes and offered to sing or recite a poem in exchange for food or money or wine. And I know what you're thinking. Kids drinking wine. But don't worry, it's Irish wine. So it's basically just rancid grape juice. In the 18th and 19th centuries, Halloween started getting popular around the world, especially in America, after a Halloween poem by Robert Burns became popular. And I know it might seem weird that something became mainstream due to poetry, but if you think about it, it's the same way we all learned about siserp at the turn of the century. The influx of Irish immigrants made Halloween even better, bigger in the US and it actually started to get a little rowdy. Kids used the day as an excuse for vandalism and general assholery, a tradition that continues to this day. Mother f er. I will kick your ass at soccer practice, Timmy. It was so bad, some politicians wanted to cancel Halloween altogether. Luckily, the solution was already built. Trick or treating. Everyone figured out that if they gave kids choice treats in exchange for not acting like little dickheads, they'd be chill. Trick or treating exploded by the 1950s with the mass production of candy. Although back then, candy was weird. They had all these suggestive names like Zag Nuts and Sugar Daddies. If you like candy, kids, you'll love Uncle Jimmy's Pole Smokers.

[Trevor Noah]

Mmm. Pole.

[John Hodgman]

By the 1970s, Halloween wasn't just for kids anymore. Adults started to get into it, too. They threw parties, they wore costumes. Some sexy and some really sexy. Oh, yeah. Dick Nick's Hive. Where you at? These days, Halloween has taken on a new meaning. Celebrating the macabre and having a safe space to explore our identities with our friends and family. I'm just f. Cking with ya. It's about making as much money as possible. It's the most expensive holiday after Christmas, and we don't even get a PlayStation out of it. Just some highly regrettable photos in a mouthful of cavities. Lost another one. So now you know how Halloween got to be so spooktacular. I hope everyone out there has a safe and fun time this year. Enjoy it, because the next holiday is Thanksgiving, when you have to spend the whole day with your entire family.

[Trevor Noah]

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[Stephen Colbert]

Tragically lost in the hoopla of this year's political campaigns has been Halloween. It's being celebrated tomorrow evening here with their thoughts on this important national holiday. Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert. With even Stephen.

[Steve Carell]

You just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather like? Up your own ass. Tonight's topic. Halloween. No. Yes.

[Trevor Noah]

No.

[Steve Carell]

Every year, the forces of darkness get a foothold in the minds of our children under the deceptive guise of All Hallows Eve. Well, I say it's time to just say no to pagan rituals that lead our youngsters toward the pit of damnation. And anyone who feels otherwise is a minion of the Dark Lord.

[Trevor Noah]

Steve.

[Steve Carell]

Come on. Steven. It's about kids dressing up one night a year, ringing doorbells for treats. And when you don't get what you want, you toilet paper the house, maybe soak some windows or set a few fires, and then drop a cement filled pumpkin off the overpass onto the windshields of an oncoming car. Steven, it's about fun. It's about frolic. It's about candy. Well, not content with poisoning the minds of our babies, the Druidic cabal that runs this Luciferian festival of death evidently also wants to pollute their bodies with refined sugars. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second, Steve. Steven, surely as a child you indulged in the occasional Snickers bar or peanut butter cup. No, I ate carrot sticks and my parents gave out little bags of applesauce. Are you serious? Do you. Do you know what we used to do to people who gave out those healthy snacks? Yes.

[Trevor Noah]

Yes, I did.

[Steve Carell]

Flaming bags of excrement were thrown at their houses. Do you know who had to clean that up the next day when the neighborhood girls were walking to school and laughing at you and going, there's Sticky Steve. Stephen, can I ask you something? Did you even trick or treat as a kid? That's not something my family did. We didn't.

[Trevor Noah]

I'm sorry.

[Steve Carell]

Well, that. That must have been very hard. No, not at all. It was fine. You know what? I have some treats here. Could have a little Halloween right here, huh? No, thank you. Couple treats. No. No, thank you. No. They cause cavities. Steve. I am not interested.

[Stephen Colbert]

What's that big one?

[Steve Carell]

The big eye? Well, you have a good eye, my friend. This would be a Butterfinger. What do they do?

[Trevor Noah]

Well.

[Steve Carell]

They crunch and then they get all chocolatey on you.

[Trevor Noah]

Chocolate.

[Steve Carell]

Yeah.

[Trevor Noah]

Want a Butterfinger?

[Steve Carell]

You know what? You want a Butterfinger? No, I don't. Thank you. No. Ring my doorbell. I don't think so. Ring the doorbell. I don't want to.

[Trevor Noah]

Go ahead.

[Steve Carell]

Ding dong. Oh, who could that be? Clump, clump, clump, clump, clump.

[John Hodgman]

Oh.

[Trevor Noah]

Hey.

[Steve Carell]

How adorable. And who are you? A correspondent. And a very scary correspondent. What do you say?

[Trevor Noah]

I don't know.

[Steve Carell]

What do you say? You know what to say. I don't know what to do. Three little words. I want candy. No, no, no. You know the words. Go ahead, say the words.

[Trevor Noah]

Trick. Trip. Trick. Trip.

[Steve Carell]

Trick. Trick or treat.

[Trevor Noah]

Y. Oh.

[Steve Carell]

Halloween isn't until tomorrow. Bye.

[Trevor Noah]

Clink.

[Steve Carell]

No. I want candy. I'm Steve Carell. I want the candy. And this has been even Steven. I want to be a vampire.

[Trevor Noah]

Some news stories help us understand the world we live in. And some news stories are just stupid. For those, we turn to Ronny Chieng.

[Ronny Chieng]

Thanks, Trevor. It's Halloween again. Or as I like to call it, the stupidest time of the year. Cause you've got dumb kids coming to your house begging for candy. And then you have everyone else trying to come up with a costume that's topical but also hot. Oh, look at me. I'm sexy. Quid pro quo. What does that even mean? But Halloween also means businesses are pretending they're cool by coming up with spooky promotions like this guy.

[Trevor Noah]

A car wash in Ohio is doubling down as a haunted house.

[Steve Carell]

Check it out. Customers can enjoy the spooky experience while.

[Trevor Noah]

Riding through the car wash. These actors dressed in scary Halloween costumes.

[Steve Carell]

Will wipe down cars and scare customers.

[Trevor Noah]

The frightening car wash cost 20 bucks. Not only are you locked in your car in a haunted house, but you're gonna go home with what we think is the cleanest car in Ohio.

[Ronny Chieng]

The cleanest car in Ohio? Who cares? It's still in Ohio. I'd rather have the second dirtiest car anywhere else. More importantly, why do you have to combine these two things? How busy are people? Are you really just sitting around like, yo, I got time for a haunted house or a car wash. I can't do both. And how is this even scary? I'm not scared of Freddy Krueger if he's working for me for tips. But if you want a haunted house that has less sitting and more crapping your pants, then you're in luck.

[John Hodgman]

The country's scariest haunted house is offering.

[Steve Carell]

$20,000 for anyone who can get through these things. So just to get in, you'll need to watch a two hour long video, sign a 40 page waiver, bring a doctor's note saying you passed the physical, and have a safe word for when you want to give up. The haunted house includes intense lighting, extreme low visibility, gross stuff, close contact with creatures they may touch you, and graphic and pretty real scenes of horror. Now the tour taps into your personal fears, such as being buried alive or drowning. The entire experience can last up to 10 hours.

[Ronny Chieng]

Holy shit. Close contact with disgusting creatures that may touch you. That's not a haunted house. That's a sleepover at Jeffrey Epstein's place.

[Trevor Noah]

Right?

[Ronny Chieng]

Look, can we all just agree that. That haunted houses are stupid. It's a bunch of losers yelling boo. You're booing me? I'm booing you.

[Trevor Noah]

Boo. Boo.

[Ronny Chieng]

That blood looks fake.

[Trevor Noah]

Boo.

[Ronny Chieng]

The whole idea of a haunted house combines two things I don't want to do, okay? Be scared and go to someone else's house. I mean, if you want to spend money to have a shitty night, just go on a Tinder date, okay?

[Trevor Noah]

Oh.

[Ronny Chieng]

Oh, wow, that's so interesting. I've never met anyone who likes to travel before. Honestly, the scariest thing about Halloween is how corporate it is, okay? You can't do anything without running into promotional bullshit.

[Steve Carell]

Just in time for Halloween, Burger Kings, introducing what they're calling the Ghost Whopper. Chipotle is back with its annual burrito deal for Halloween.

[John Hodgman]

If customers come in dressed in costume.

[Ronny Chieng]

On Halloween, they can get a burrito.

[John Hodgman]

For just four bucks.

[Trevor Noah]

In honor of Halloween, the coffee giant is debuting.

[John Hodgman]

Check it out right there.

[Trevor Noah]

The Phantom Frappuccino.

[Steve Carell]

It is a black and green drink.

[Stephen Colbert]

The food product, designed to look like slime, contains charcoal powder to add the black coloring. Well, activated charcoal is banned in New York City because of safety concerns tied to it.

[Ronny Chieng]

Damn, that drink got banned in New York. Do you know how bad that coffee has to be to be considered a health risk in New York? This is the same city where pizza gets delivered by a rat, right?

[Trevor Noah]

So.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yo.

[Ronny Chieng]

And if you ask me, all these gimmicks are so unnecessary. Fast food is already scary, okay? Just put a flashlight under your chin and read the list of ingredients.

[Trevor Noah]

Wow, Ronnie, Ronnie, you're really not into the season, are you? Like, do you celebrate anything? Halloween?

[Ronny Chieng]

Oh, oh, oh, yeah. Yeah. I love getting a Halloween spirit. I buy candy, and when trick or treaters come to my door, I eat it in their faces to show them that nothing in life is free.

[Trevor Noah]

Ronny Chan, everyone. We'll be right back.

[John Hodgman]

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[Stephen Colbert]

Limu and Doug.

[Trevor Noah]

Here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their.

[Stephen Colbert]

Cor insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual.

[Trevor Noah]

Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

[Steve Carell]

Limu is that guy with the Binoculars watching us.

[Trevor Noah]

Cut the camera, they see us. Only pay for what you need@liberty mutual.com.

[Stephen Colbert]

Liberty Liberty.

[Steve Carell]

Liberty.

[Trevor Noah]

Liberty Savings Fairy, underwritten by Liberty Mutual.

[Stephen Colbert]

Insurance Company and affiliates, excludes Massachusetts, as you know. So from what I understand, Halloween is next week. Now, I've not settled on a costume yet. I've narrowed it down to the boss, the cake boss, or undercover boss. There you go. But on the bright side, at least I'm not a lady shopping for a costume.

[John Hodgman]

You look for a Halloween costume as.

[Steve Carell]

A lady, and it's hard to find.

[John Hodgman]

One where you don't look like a hussy.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hard to not look like a hussy. God forbid. You look like a loose woman from the 50s. Overtly sexy Halloween costumes is an undeniable trend. For more, we're joined by senior Women's Issues correspondent Kristen Schall.

[Steve Carell]

Kristen, thanks for joining us.

[Trevor Noah]

How are you? I'm good. How are you? Good to see you. I'm so good to see you. Aw, I miss you.

[Stephen Colbert]

And go, Kristen. It does seem these costumes for women.

[John Hodgman]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Keep getting more and more sexed up.

[Kristen Schaal]

I know. John, isn't it great?

[Trevor Noah]

What?

[Kristen Schaal]

The fact that women get this one night only one out of the whole year to be viewed as sexual objects. And we get to choose what kind. You can be a sexy pirate, a sexy nurse, an even sexier nurse, a sexy defense attorney, or her nemesis, the sexy prosecutor. You're out of order. No, you're out of order.

[Trevor Noah]

Ugh.

[Kristen Schaal]

Let's just make out.

[Trevor Noah]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

So you're not.

[Steve Carell]

You're.

[Trevor Noah]

You're.

[Stephen Colbert]

You see this in the crowd as well. I like that you're not upset about this in any way.

[Kristen Schaal]

Why. Why would I be upset about progress, John? I mean, when my mom was growing up in the oppressive olden days, she only had two options for a Halloween costume. Sexy secretary or sexy meter maid. But in these modern, liberated times, a woman is free to be a sexy whatever the hell she wants.

[Stephen Colbert]

Sort of like a glass ceiling that you break by putting them on the glass. You know what I mean? Putting the boobs on the glass, is that like putting a. You know what I mean?

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, you're sharp, spiky boobs. John, this guy's never seen real boobs. And this year, women can even be sexy inanimate objects. I am not making these up. All right, You've got your sexy carrots, your sexy guitar, or this one for sexy carb lovers.

[John Hodgman]

You want a pizza?

[Trevor Noah]

Me.

[John Hodgman]

This costume includes a padded mini dress with topping detail and crust shoulder pads.

[Stephen Colbert]

I gotta tell you, though, in my mind, to be perfectly honest, I don't know. That pizza needs cleavage to make it sexy. You know What I mean is that.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, you said it, bot.

[Trevor Noah]

Thanks.

[Kristen Schaal]

This guy. Pizza.

[Trevor Noah]

What?

[Stephen Colbert]

But, I mean, think about men's costumes, though. I mean, they are sort of empowering. You know, you can be superheroes, Jedi Masters, you know, and you don't have to show your, you know, your bits and pieces. You know what I mean? It's just.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah, you're right. It's not fair. Yeah, they should be allowed to be sexy, too. That's why I've designed my own line of sexy costumes for men. Come on out, Gustav.

[Steve Carell]

Gustav?

[Trevor Noah]

Yeah.

[Kristen Schaal]

Tell me this costume isn't dead sexy.

[Stephen Colbert]

Uh, he just looks like some dude.

[Kristen Schaal]

It's not some dude, John.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's not.

[Kristen Schaal]

A Gustav is modeling the costume called sexy. Hollywood producer who hires Women over 40 for meaningful age appropriate roles.

[Trevor Noah]

Yeah. Bam.

[Kristen Schaal]

Get out of here, you hot piece of meat. He's my ride.

[Trevor Noah]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

And he's from Austria, apparently.

[Kristen Schaal]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

You really think. You don't think that women's costumes are getting out of hand because it seems.

[Kristen Schaal]

No, I don't think they go far enough. Ladies, why are we being so coy about this? Why don't we just show everyone what we mean why don't we just show everyone what we mean when we put on those sexy kitty carrot nurse costumes and take things to the obvious next level? Introducing my 2014 line of sexy costumes for women. Come on out, female. Gustav, what's up?

[Trevor Noah]

Yeah. Yay.

[Stephen Colbert]

I don't know. Listen, Kirsten, I don't. I don't. I really don't know. I don't know if we can show this. I don't know if this is something that we can show.

[Kristen Schaal]

I call this one. I call this one the Sexy Vagina. And what better way to get everyone thinking about sex than dressing up as the place where sex happens?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, but it's just this somehow seems worse for women than just, you know, degrade. I don't know.

[Kristen Schaal]

All right, I know what you're into, John. Calm down.

[Stephen Colbert]

Right?

[Trevor Noah]

Ah. Huh? Ooh. Wow. Ooh. Whoa. Hello.

[Kristen Schaal]

Sexiest pizza ever.

[Trevor Noah]

Does the.

[Kristen Schaal]

The cheese match the crust? Ooh, she'll never tell.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is that. Can I ask a question? This may sound naive. Do those things normally have pizza in them? Because I've never.

[Kristen Schaal]

Well, I guess you've never seen one of these up close before, because it's only pizza.

[Trevor Noah]

Kristen Shawl, everybody.

[Stephen Colbert]

We'll be right back. A certain holiday is coming on Friday here with his uniquely fruit and vegetable based slant. On that occasion, we turn to our old standby, Produce Pete. Steve Carell.

[Trevor Noah]

Good evening.

[Steve Carell]

I am Produce Dracula and I am here to. And it's enough with that. Yep, it's Halloween and nothing says Halloween like caramel apples. Well, I guess pumpkins maybe. Actually, yeah, pumpkins are actually more iconic, but we're talking about caramel apples. This recipe is so easy. In no time you will find yourself making it halfway through one of these before feeling kind of queasy. All you need are six medium sized apple, six wooden popsicle sticks. You can get those at your local hobby shop. In the stick and dowel aisle, half a pound of light colored caramels. You melt them, you dip in the apples. You know what? You pretty much have to be an idiot not know how to make these. You know, back when I owned a home, I used to love to decorate it up for Halloween and invite the neighbor kids and take them down into my basement with parental consent for the most part. I would turn off the lights and I'd have a big bowl of grapes and that would be Frankenstein's eyes. And then for the next hour and a half, I would edutain the kids about the real evils of drugs and premarital relations and Satan in general. Well, it was really only for that one year that they came. Actually, they did come back the next year to. To throw dog feces at my house. And I believe they did that again the next year. And there was a third year in there as well. Now on Halloween, I sit in my apartment with the lights out and I eat a caramel apple. Happy Halloween.

[Trevor Noah]

With Halloween just around the corner, members of the White House press corps decided to take their kids trick or treating at the scariest haunted house that they could think of.

[Stephen Colbert]

I cannot believe the media produced such beautiful children. How the media did this, I don't know. That's beautiful. These are beautiful, wonderful children. Oh, you're gonna grow up to be like your parents.

[Trevor Noah]

Don't answer that. Can only get me in trouble.

[Stephen Colbert]

That question.

[Trevor Noah]

Wow, I can't believe Trump is on those kids. Parents directly in front of them. Yeah, and that wasn't even the worst of it. Later on, he went up to a pregnant reporter and whispered into her belly, your mom is an enemy of the people. And I know you're wondering, why would the media bring their kids in, right, and subject them to this? But maybe the press call was like, do you see what I have to go through every day? Do you see what I do every day? To put food on the table. Huh? Now eat your veggies or I'll take you back to that talking pumpkin. Now, eventually, President Trump got around to handing out some candy, but even then, he couldn't help giving it a special Trump spin. Who likes this?

[Kristen Schaal]

No, that was sticky.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, you have no weight problems.

[Trevor Noah]

That's the good news, right?

[Ronny Chieng]

Good.

[Stephen Colbert]

So you take out whatever you need.

[Trevor Noah]

America, I hate to say this, but I'm beginning to think that your president may be a jerk. And as bad as Trump was, at least those kids didn't get any candy from Mike Pence, you know? Cause, you know, they would have been like, why are there no green M&Ms? I had to take them all out. I can't be alone with a sexy woman. No.

[Stephen Colbert]

As a raider scavenging a derelict world, you settle into an underground settlement. But now you must return to the.

[Trevor Noah]

Surface where arc machines roam. If you're brave enough, who knows what you might find. Arc Raiders, a multiplayer extraction adventure video game. Buy now for PlayStation 5, Xbox Series.

[Stephen Colbert]

X and S, and PC rated T for teen.

[John Hodgman]

When did making plans get this complicated? It's time to streamline with WhatsApp, the secure messaging app that brings the whole group together. Use polls to settle dinner plans. Send event invites and pinned messages so no one forgets mom 60th. And never miss a meme or milestone. All protected with end to end encryption. It's time for WhatsApp message privately with everyone. Learn [e-mail].

[Trevor Noah]

Let'S get into the show. This is it. Night three in Miami. And. And tonight. And tonight isn't just any night. It's Halloween. Yeah. Which is a super exciting night, right? Especially if you're a kid. Cause you can just walk up to any stranger's house and get candy, right? Except President Obama's house. Because you show up there dressed like a ghost, and you'd be like, boo. And he'd be like, uh, don't boo vote. Am I feeling Michelle pops out and gives you some zucchini? Damn, this sucks. Now, in. In the rest of America, Halloween is a chance to dress up super sexy, right? You get in your sexy little costumes. But here in Miami, it's weird because that is Tuesday for you guys. No, because, like, y' all dress sexy every day. Every single day. So here's what I think. I think for Halloween, what you guys need to do is you should have the unsexy version of things, right? Like, yeah, like, you need, like, a. Like a modest lifeguard costume, right? Or like a frumpy cheerleader. Or how about like a. Like a conservative stripper? That would be dope. Yeah, just chant amazing grace. No clothes come off, only erections of the heart. And I'll be honest with you guys. Can I be honest? Like, because of stand your ground laws? I don't know how anyone can enjoy Halloween in Florida. No, because the law is that someone can shoot you if you frighten them. That's the whole point of Halloween. You dress scary, you go to people's houses, and you rob them of candy. I feel like in Florida, it doesn't matter what you dress as, you're living as a ghost. That's what that means. Like, just to be on the safe side for Halloween, I just walk around with my hands up the whole time. That's all I do. Hands up people. Like, what are you supposed to be alive, Mother? I'm not about to get shot for some candy. Imagine getting shot for some candy. What's that? King size Reese's? All right, shoot me in the leg. Shoot me in the leg. And you know what amazes me about America as a whole is that every single year on Halloween, there's always somebody who's not happy with just being sexy Dracula or sexy Frankenstein. No, they've gotta take it too far.

[Steve Carell]

A father in Kentucky has been criticized for dressing his five year old son up as Hitler. The Halloween costume was posted on social media by Bryant Goldbach. He says originally he did it for a historic, but now admits this was probably a bad idea.

[Trevor Noah]

Not everybody has the devotion to living.

[Steve Carell]

History that I have.

[Trevor Noah]

It's. I don't know how else to put it. Okay, first off, I don't think we should be calling that a costume, all right? That was a uniform, okay? Costumes are things you can buy at Walmart. That shit is something you discover in a storage unit in Argentina. That's what that was. And can I say. Can I just say it's pretty clever how he dressed himself up as a regular Nazi but dressed his kid as Hitler. It's like he just wanted an excuse in case things went wrong. He'd be like, look, I was just following orders. I mean, he came up with the master plan. That's not me. There's just so many reasons that it's a terrible idea to dress a little kid as Hitler. Like, someone could see the kid walking around and be like, baby Hitler. This is my chance. If you've been keeping up with international news, you probably know that lately the world has been crazier than Rudy Giuliani on LSD to Be honest, there's so many protests going on around the world right now that we just don't have the time to cover them all. Luckily for us, not enough time is just the right amount of time for a segment we call Ain't Nobody Got Time for that. All right, let's kick it off in Hong Kong where the pro democracy protesters are also getting into the Halloween spirit.

[John Hodgman]

We're to Hong Kong now where police fired tear gas to break up protests on the Halloween holiday. Crowds of protesters blocked a major road before police came in. The anti government demonstrations targeted a popular party district in the city for the first time. Well, at times the protesters blended in with people wearing Halloween costumes. Protesters and party girls alike were not deterred by a city wide ban on face masks.

[Trevor Noah]

Okay, you gotta admit, that's a pretty genius move for the protesters to blend in with regular people celebrating Halloween. Yeah, because the police can't tell the difference between protesters and trick or treaters. Yeah, sort of like starting a fight club in the middle of Boston. You don't know. Is this an illegal fight or just the usual Dunkin Donuts parking lot fight? You don't know. Now what's interesting is that the protests in Hong Kong originally began because of an extradition bill, but now they've snowballed into a protest about Chinese rule over Hong Kong in general. Because you see, protests are a lot like arguments in relationships. You say it's about the dishes, but really it's about something bigger, you know, like you don't communicate well or you hooked up with your mother in law, you know? Yeah, you said I should, I should get along with her. Let's talk about Halloween. You know, it's when the whole neighborhood pays child support with Kit Kats. But with the pandemic here, we're treating it a bit differently. Let's find out how differently in our special segment, Halloween in a time of Corona. When you think about it, Halloween is the exact opposite of social distancing. You go to as many strangers houses as possible and ask them for stuff that they've touched. Plus there's saliva everywhere from when the people eat candy corn. Oh boy, candy corn. I forgot how much this shit sucks. But whatever the reason, this year many cities are doing away with Halloween completely.

[John Hodgman]

Will Halloween be canceled? 2020 being the worst year ever, there's new concern about the treasured holiday. Due to the pandemic, health officials in LA announced that door to door trick or treating is banned this year. Also banned haunted houses and large gatherings.

[Steve Carell]

New York's classic parade that draws a million people to Greenwich Village every year. Canceled. Chicago's too.

[Trevor Noah]

Atlanta went virtual in a town famous for witch trials and Halloween celebrations. Celebrations. The scariest thing in Salem, Massachusetts, this year, the tourists. The mayor is telling sightseers to stay home. And in Richmond, trick or treating is not canceled. However, my best recommendation is that we stay home. Yes, it turns out Halloween events are getting canceled all across the US because if these cities actually held these events, somebody could die. No, but for real, though, someone could die because of Corona. Like, someone could actually die. I gotta get my lights fixed. Why do they always do this? And if you ask me, canceling trick or treating is ridiculous. So what, now I'm just supposed to sit at home alone in my Superman costume eating a bucket of my own candy? How's that gonna be different from all the other nights of the year? Halloween is supposed to be special. The good news is that just because there's a pandemic, that doesn't mean Halloween has to be canceled. And all across America, people are finding ways to keep the scares coming without the virus tagging along.

[John Hodgman]

The CDC labeling traditional trick or treating this Halloween as a high risk activity. But parents are coming up with ways.

[Steve Carell]

To keep Halloween safe. The Virginia couple found a unique way to handle a socially distance Halloween.

[Stephen Colbert]

Look at that.

[Steve Carell]

They came up with the idea of a candy slide.

[John Hodgman]

Some neighbors are getting creative. One designed a candy chute, another a pulley system to deliver candy from the porch to the street. Some folks are going high tech, dispensing candy from a drone.

[Steve Carell]

Meanwhile, some haunted houses in the area.

[Trevor Noah]

Are back open and adapting amid the pandemic.

[Stephen Colbert]

There's no touching. Most of our jump scares are done at a distance. Rooms are designed to keep actors six feet from visitors. They require the actors to speak as.

[Trevor Noah]

Little as possible to prevent the spread of. Okay, can I just say I am glad that those haunted houses can stay open, because this is the one year where it's safer inside a haunted house than outside.

[Kristen Schaal]

Ooh, I'm a ghost.

[Trevor Noah]

Yeah, bitch. And there's white supremacists outside. I'm staying here with you. And you know, it's so amazing how inventive Americans become when candy is at stake. All it took was the possibility of a few kids not getting candy and. And half of suburbia turned into Elon Musk. I'd actually like to see those drones. Yeah, the military should use those. You know, you'd be at a wedding in the Middle East. Like, oh, no, a drone. Ah, wait, it's dropping candy. Yay. It's dropping candy. Look everybody, it's candy. Ah. Full of trash. Ah, it's candy corn. It's candy corn. Death to America. Now, of course, the most important part of Halloween is dressing up. And far from stopping people, the pandemic is actually inspiring.

[Steve Carell]

Several retailers are cashing in on timely Halloween costumes inspired by items that became important during the pandemic.

[John Hodgman]

Of course, one of the most popular items, toilet paper roll, also has a disinfectant wipe costume.

[Steve Carell]

Check out this incredible creation from one dad. It's a monster zoom call.

[John Hodgman]

You know those face shields you see medical workers wearing while. Well, one company is turning those into Halloween masks for kids.

[Trevor Noah]

Boo.

[John Hodgman]

I'm Frankenstein.

[Steve Carell]

You want to dress up as hand sanitizer? How about sexy hand sanitizer? Yandy Selling this racy mail in ballot costume that comes complete with I voted pasties.

[Trevor Noah]

Wait, hold up. Someone is planning to be a sexy mail in ballot this weekend. What are you doing? If you're a sexy mail in ballot, you should have been in the mail by yesterday. You realize what you've done? You're too late. Now you gotta go to a sexy drop off box or you better sexy wait in line for three hours and look, I get dressing up as paper towels or hand sanitizer, but please people, whatever you do, do not dress up as a doctor or a nurse this year. Because sexy nurse or not, your ass is gonna get put to work quick. Wait, no. I'm just a sexy nurse. I'm not real. I don't give a shit. Get this man on a ventilator and inject him with some bleach, stat. Bleach? But that doesn't work. Look, dude, I just dressed as a sexy hospital administrator. I'm as confused as you. Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus, this has been a Comedy Central podcast.

[Stephen Colbert]

Time is precious and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24. 7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments and shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.