TDS Time Machine | It's Classified

Summary

The Daily Show: Ears Edition – Episode Summary: "TDS Time Machine | It's Classified"

Release Date: March 31, 2025
Hosts: Trevor Noah, Jordan Klepper, Desi Lydic, and Asif Mandvi
Platform: iHeartPodcasts and Paramount Podcasts

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1. Introduction: Keeping Teens Safe on Instagram

The episode kicks off with a satirical promotion of "Instagram teen accounts," highlighting automated protections aimed at safeguarding teenagers online.

• Jordan Klepper: "New Instagram teen accounts. Automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see." [00:08]

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2. The Massive WikiLeaks Afghan War Document Leak

Trevor Noah and Jordan Klepper delve into the unprecedented leak of 92,000 classified U.S. military documents related to the Afghanistan war, surpassing the notorious Pentagon Papers.

• Trevor Noah: "92,000 pages? I would hope that would be the biggest leak... Perhaps this might be an appropriate time to let leakers of military documents know it's not a competition." [00:36]

The discussion highlights the nature of the leaks, questioning the methods used by the alleged leaker, Army Specialist Brad Manning, who was apprehended for his role.

• Jordan Klepper: "A bombshell report that Hillary Clinton may have violated the law during her time at the State Department." [07:25]

They mock the absurdity of naming conventions and the complexities of military classifications, injecting humor into the serious topic of intelligence breaches.

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3. Hillary Clinton's Email Controversy Revisited

The hosts revisit the long-standing scandal surrounding Hillary Clinton's use of a personal email account during her tenure as Secretary of State.

• Desi Lydic: "Hillary Clinton may have broken federal record-keeping rules by using a personal email." [08:31]

Trevor Noah ridicules the notion that not having an official email account is a severe offense, comparing it to the trivialities of daily life.

• Trevor Noah: "Oh, is that against the law not to have an email?... What's the big deal about not having an email account?" [08:12]

They draw parallels between past and present scandals, emphasizing the cyclical nature of political controversies.

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4. The FBI Raids on Former Presidents: Trump and Biden

A significant portion of the episode focuses on the FBI's unprecedented raid on Donald Trump's Mar-a-Lago residence in search of classified documents.

• Jordan Klepper: "The FBI raided Donald Trump's house in Mar-a Lago. The FBI people raided a former president's house. This is huge." [30:01]

Trevor Noah humorously critiques Trump's handling of classified information, likening his actions to eccentric behaviors rather than typical legal infractions.

• Trevor Noah: "It could be post-its, it could be notes he wrote to himself... How do you do that?" [26:28]

In a comedic twist, they conduct a mock interview with a fictional White House plumber, Carl Schwartz, who jests about his role in "flushing" classified documents.

• Carl Schwartz (Fictional Plumber): "I unclogged so many classified documents, they had to give me top secret clearance." [28:19]

The segment parodies the severity of legal actions against Trump by exaggerating the absurdity of the situation, highlighting the often theatrical nature of political scandals.

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5. Comparisons to Historical Scandals and Political Commentary

The hosts draw comparisons between the current events and historical political scandals like Watergate, emphasizing the unique and unprecedented nature of the FBI's actions against a former president.

• Jordan Klepper: "This has never happened in American history. But don't forget, Donald Trump has also never happened in American history." [36:39]

They critique the dual justice system, suggesting that high-profile individuals receive lenient treatment compared to ordinary citizens.

• Jordan Klepper: "Bad things only happen in other countries. When it's here, it's still happening in another country." [37:36]

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6. Biden's Classified Document Scandal

Shifting focus, Trevor Noah and co-hosts discuss President Joe Biden's own scandal involving the mishandling of classified documents in his Delaware home.

• Desi Lydic: "More classified documents were found in President Biden's Delaware home." [42:29]

The conversation satirizes the media's selective outrage, juxtaposing Biden's scandal with Trump's, and mocking the prioritization of political narratives.

• Trevor Noah: "Grease Lightning. Look, I know this is a big scandal, but honestly, I think these documents were pretty safe at Biden's house." [43:47]

They highlight the humorous inconsistency in public and media responses to similar actions by different political figures.

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7. Concluding Remarks and Satirical Insights

The episode wraps up with a reflection on the pervasive issues of transparency and accountability in U.S. politics. The hosts use humor to underscore the absurdity and frustration with the repetitive nature of political scandals.

• Jordan Klepper: "Who is the bitch who is freely giving out classified documents?" [45:45]
• Desi Lydic: "This is a wake-up call for those in Congress to be able to use the tools at their disposal to defund the FBI." [36:39]

They underscore the cyclical and relentless nature of political misconduct, leaving listeners with a blend of amusement and critical contemplation.

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Key Takeaways:

• Satirical Commentary: The episode employs humor and satire to dissect serious political scandals, making complex issues more accessible and engaging.

• Highlighting Inconsistencies: The hosts emphasize the double standards in political accountability, drawing parallels between different administrations and their respective controversies.

• Humor Amidst Seriousness: Despite the weighty topics, the use of jokes and exaggerated scenarios (like the fictional White House plumber) provides a comedic relief, maintaining the show's signature style.

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Notable Quotes:

• Trevor Noah: "Brad ass 87. Really? The incredible supermole spy went by the name Brad ass 87." [02:06]

• Jordan Klepper: "This is basically our generation's Pentagon Papers." [20:19]

• Asif Mandvi: "Merrick Garland is a space elf." [39:55]

• Desi Lydic: "Attorney client privilege, executive privilege, white privilege, diplomatic immunity..." [39:55]

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This comprehensive summary encapsulates the multifaceted discussions of the episode, blending political critique with sharp humor, characteristic of "The Daily Show: Ears Edition." Whether delving into historical leaks, contemporary scandals, or fictional comedic elements, the hosts provide insightful and entertaining commentary on the state of American politics.

Transcript

[Trevor Noah]

Introducing Instagram teen accounts.

[Jordan Klepper]

A new way to keep your teen.

[Trevor Noah]

Safer as they grow. Like making sure they always have their seatbelt on.

[Desi Lydic]

All right, buckle up. Good job.

[Jordan Klepper]

New Instagram teen accounts. Automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see. You're listening to Comedy Central.

[Trevor Noah]

Let's begin with explosive news.

[Jordan Klepper]

Secrets are out about the war in Afghanistan. Not just a leak, but a flood of secret documents. It's the biggest leak in US military history.

[Trevor Noah]

Really? 92,000 pages? I would hope that would be the biggest leak. Seeing as that beats the Pentagon Papers by, I don't know, 85,000 pages. Perhaps this might be an appropriate time to let leakers of military documents know it's not a competition. So, some top secret. Mm.

[Jordan Klepper]

We just came from an off camera session with Colonel Dave Lapan, a Pentagon spokesman. He says it looks to be secret in nature. Not top secret.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, it's just secret. I was worried. I thought it was top secret. That is a much lower security classification than top secret. It actually goes army classification. Watch secret, then top secret, and then of course, pop secret. That is where all of our military information is encoded in fluffy and delicious butter coated kernels. Oh, so pernicious. An intelligence breach of this magnitude must have been coordinated by a conspiracy of high level masterminds with ninja like powers of concealment.

[Jordan Klepper]

Last May, a California computer hacker was contacted online by someone calling himself Bradass87. He said he was an army intelligence expert deployed to Baghdad who had access to classified networks that showed incredible things, awful things that belong in the public domain.

[Trevor Noah]

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. Brad ass 87. Really? The incredible supermole spy went by the name Brad ass 87 and told the computer hacker that he was in army intellig. Let me take a whack at trying to solve this. Maybe I've been watching Bones too much, but. Computer, search through the files looking for an army specialist named Brad who's 87 years old. No, wait. Born in 1987.

[Jordan Klepper]

And go on May 26th, Army Specialist Brad Manning, born in 1987, was arrested outside of Baghdad and is now in a military prison.

[Trevor Noah]

How did they find him? How did they do it? Well, in Sherlock Holmes, by the way, Brad, you also might want to delete your army specialist Bradmanning leak guy at itwasme BradManning. Does Bradass87 have any idea what he's done to the American military? Not to mention what he's done to the life of Dove Soap air Bradford Assington. The 87th hasn't he suffered enough. For Christ's sake. The 87th generation of Asingtons. All the money in the world can't change that last name. That's why he's a douchebag. Is that. I'm just curious. Is that a stock photo? I'm hoping there's probably guys somewhere going. I thought that was a modeling job. Look, maybe Manning didn't need a secret name. Maybe his data collection skills were that stealth.

[Jordan Klepper]

He allegedly also described how he downloaded the classified information. I would come in with music on a CD labeled with something like Lady Gaga and erase the music recording intelligence onto the CD instead allegedly writing that he lip synced to Lady Gaga while exfiltrating possibly the largest data spillage in American history.

[Trevor Noah]

I believe the obvious question here is how does a soldier sit around lip syncing to Lady Gaga all day and not run afoul of don't ask, don't tell? That has got to be a substitute for telling, no? So, WikiLeaks.org has posted 92,000 classified documents about the Afghan war online. Let's take a look. What is the. Is it. Oh, okay. Wow. Apparently our war strategy in Afghanistan is being encoded in Justin Bieber's Twitter account. Any news organizations out there taking the time to maybe wade through these documents and boil it down a bit for us?

[Jordan Klepper]

The leaked records give precise accounts of missions gone horribly wrong. Helicopters shot down, two religious schools are providing 95% of suicide attackers. There is also horrifying detail about civilian deaths. In 2007, Pakistan's military intelligence agency, the ISI, is helping the Afghan insurgency attack American troops.

[Trevor Noah]

What the Pakistan is doing, we give them billions of dollars of aid. Pakistan is funneling that money to the Taliban. One of the chief financial contributors to our enemy is us. We have ostensibly put a hit out on ourselves. This is insanity. Or to put it another way. Oh, I think there's nothing new really here.

[Jordan Klepper]

This is sort of a storm in a teacup. The substance, frankly, is not new on the content. There really is nothing essentially fundamentally new.

[Trevor Noah]

Yeah, see, I'm not reacting to the newness of it. I'm reacting to the up ed ness of it. What does it take to get you guys fired up? What is it? What does it do? Seriously, what all these documents are doing is exposing the existential trap we find ourselves in in Afghanistan. I guess it's no kid. May or may not be in balloon. That was crazy. That whole afternoon I was like, is he in there?

[Jordan Klepper]

That was terr.

[Trevor Noah]

Have you heard the news? Extra, extra. Future President Hillary Clinton may have to pardon former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

[Jordan Klepper]

A bombshell report that Hillary Clinton may have violated the law during her time at the State Department.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. What did she do? Did she funnel arms to ISIS to pay for a land deal in Arkansas? Did she sell Alaska back to the Russians in exchange for their silence on Benghazi? What did she do, pad her resume with fake countries she supposedly negotiated treaties with? I should have known there was no such thing as pants. Suitistan. Hit me with the bad news. It appears that while she was Secretary.

[Jordan Klepper]

Of State, she did not have an official email account at all.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, is that against the law not to have an email? I mean, it seems less of a scandal and more of like, a nerd snap. Like, ooh, she's so old, she doesn't even have an official email account. I mean, what's the big deal about not having an email account? Or am I. What am I missing here?

[Desi Lydic]

Hillary Clinton may have broken federal record keeping rules by using a personal email.

[Jordan Klepper]

Account instead of a State Department account.

[Desi Lydic]

The official rules are that you're supposed to use government accounts, which are saved for public record and are considered more secure.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, okay. Well, that's not nothing. That's. She should have done that. Right? But don't we have a facility in Utah that collects all of our email anyway? Solving the whole archive problem? Can't you just ask them? Or they don't talk to you either? Why is this coming out now? Wasn't it clear to anybody who emailed Secretary Clinton during that time that her email address was her personal email?

[Jordan Klepper]

When somebody in the White House, in the West Wing, had an email to.

[Trevor Noah]

Send to the Secretary of State, did.

[Jordan Klepper]

They just use her, you know, her private email? How did they get in contact with her? Did that never raise a flag inside the West Wing?

[Trevor Noah]

And did it not also raise a red flag in the West Wing that her personal email was don't tell anyone about this [e-mail] not gov. Come on. It's not like the State Department didn't eventually get all the Clinton emails that Clinton decided they should get in 2014.

[Jordan Klepper]

Clinton did hand over 55,000 pages after the State Department sent a written request for the records. Aides say they tossed out Clinton's personal notes like memos on her daughter's wedding.

[Trevor Noah]

I believe it is a sign that you have been in government too long when you write memos about your daughter's wedding re the happiest day of your Life. Your father and I look very forward to sharing the event with you. We love you very much. Dictated, not read. I think the concern there is that the aides are the ones who get to decide which emails are appropriate to be shared, as opposed to an independent arbiter. That's why Doritos. To decide which ingredients consumers need to know about or why you don't get to tell the cops which pockets to search. Wait, Officer. Not that one. That's my weed pocket. And those other two gentlemen are ma balls. Is there another reason that she didn't need to archive her emails with State?

[Desi Lydic]

Secretary Powell wrote about this in his book. He had a personal laptop installed in his office so he could use personal email.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, but I think the regulation started in 2009. No, wasn't that four years after Powell left? And, I mean, if Colin Powell was using a personal email address, they didn't really have rules on personal emails yet. Because, you know, back then, email wasn't really as prevalent. Laptops may explain why Powell felt the need to install one in his office. How can we know that Clinton even turned over all her relevant emails?

[Desi Lydic]

She has taken steps to preserve those records by providing the State department with the 55,000 pages. I think 55,000 is a pretty big number.

[Trevor Noah]

It is a big number. There are bigger. A million. And it's not as big as the number of pages Clinton actually had. But that's the crazy thing about numbers, is that, you know, you know, you can always top them. Somebody be like, you have 100 Dalmatians. That's a load of dalmatians. I can't imagine anyone having more than 100 Dalmatians and then some lady being like, 101. That is a lot of dalmatians, actually. But if that's, you know, how everybody feels, why not just say that Secretary Clinton did turn over all her emails.

[Desi Lydic]

She provided a huge, you know, a large amount. Those 55,000.

[Jordan Klepper]

Just say it's everything. If you.

[Desi Lydic]

Well, how can I? I mean, Brad, I'm not in her email.

[Trevor Noah]

If you were in her email, you'd be starring in the most boring Tron sequel of all time. TRON 2 the Inbox. Oh, no, they're spam.

[Jordan Klepper]

Introducing Instagram teen accounts. A new way to keep your teen safer as they grow. Like making sure they've got the right gear for writing.

[Trevor Noah]

Knee pads, shack and helmet.

[Jordan Klepper]

Done.

[Trevor Noah]

See you, dad.

[Jordan Klepper]

New Instagram teen accounts. Automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see.

[Trevor Noah]

Today. Once again, by the way, we begin our program With a continuing saga of WikiLeaks, the 250,000 page document dumped that like most post Thanksgiving dumps, is endless and fascinating to pick through. And if you know anything about my family, should of course remain classified. The release of many embarrassing and possibly damaging diplomatic cables has introduced the world to a new supervillain, WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange. Assange. Shep, am I pronouncing that right?

[Jordan Klepper]

WikiLeaks and its founder, this man, Julian Assange.

[Trevor Noah]

Ah, Assange. Thank you chef Hall Assange is the founder of WikiLeaks, a site not to be confused with WikiLeaks, where for $10.99 a month you can self explanatory. Really? This is WikiLeaks, a website whose soldier purpose is to expose information. So who is this asshole?

[Jordan Klepper]

Working in secrecy, he hides the location of computer service to ward off cyber attack and hides his own location moving and changing names and email addresses to ward off arrest. Clearly they are working with terrorist organizations. I believe they've become one themselves.

[Trevor Noah]

Ah, clearly Assange is Osama bin Laden crossed with Magneto and the Albino from the Matrix with more than a scooch of the Dyson vacuum guy. Yeah, it's mostly the Dyson vacuum guy, quite frankly. Anyway, what hath Assange Bin Dyson wrought cables that reportedly show Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Condoleezza Rice before her ordered US embassies and intelligence services to gather private information on UN leaders and diplomats.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yemen's President Saleh telling General David Petraeus about strikes in Yemen will continue saying the bombs are ours, not yours.

[Trevor Noah]

German Chancellor Merkel avoids risk and is rarely creative. Afghan President Karzai is driven by paranoia.

[Jordan Klepper]

Dmitry Medvedev plays Robin to Mr. Putin's Batman. Ahmadinejad is Hitler.

[Trevor Noah]

Italy's Foreign minister is calling this leak.

[Jordan Klepper]

A diplomatic 9 11.

[Trevor Noah]

Well then he's a idiot. I mean not for nothing, but if this is the diplomatic 9 11, sack up. I'll give you its diplomatic mischief night. Maybe, but most of the in there is non policy chit chat and things we already knew. And quite frankly, Ahmadinejad is Hitler. I think he might take that as a compliment, a peace offering towards a detente. I mean, transparency is a good thing. Government wrongdoing should be ferreted out. Although just because something's secret doesn't necessarily mean it's nefarious. How's Secretary of State Hillary Clinton dealing with the blowback?

[Jordan Klepper]

Madam Secretary, are you embarrassed by these leaks? Personally, professionally?

[Trevor Noah]

Is she embarrassed? Were you alive in the 90s? Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? You know, she's married to this. I think she's built up a bit of an embarrassment tolerance. It'd be like splitting a mic's hard lemonade with Keith Richards and going, should I call you a cab? Are you too up to drive? Not that there weren't some embarrassing details.

[Jordan Klepper]

In the effort to close Guantanamo, the State Department plays what the New York Times calls let's Make a Deal.

[Trevor Noah]

Slovenia, for example, is told that if.

[Jordan Klepper]

It wants to get a meeting with.

[Trevor Noah]

President Obama, it needs to take a prisoner. Sounds a little desperate, offering foreign leaders facetime with the president in exchange for taking a Gitmo detainee. It could hopefully be more effective than Obama's original take a prisoner, leave a prisoner jar. So, ultimately, very few took. A lot of people left. Ultimately, an interesting, yet somewhat less explosive and less than searing indictment. So why Assange? Why Assange? I'm sorry? Assange. Why Assange?

[Jordan Klepper]

What drives you? I'm a combative person, so I like crushing bastards. So it is deeply, personally, personally deeply satisfying to me.

[Trevor Noah]

I think you're underestimating how cynical Americans are about our government. Already we've engineered coups in Chile, Iran, Guatemala, et cetera. We sold arms to Iran and then used the money to fund Central American revolutionaries. We sell weapons to our enemy's enemy, who somehow always then becomes our enemy and forces us to defend ourselves from our own weapons. That happens a lot. In fact, you know what we call that? The number eight. It takes a lot to unimpress us. You really should read up about the. We already know about us. So unless in these WikiLeaks, we're gonna find out that the aliens from Area 51 killed Kennedy, stop with the drama. For more on the story, we go to our senior intelligence correspondent, Asif Monvi.

[Jordan Klepper]

Thank you, Asif. Thank you, Asif.

[Trevor Noah]

What is. What is all this? WikiLeaks.

[Jordan Klepper]

Well, John, it's the 21st century. What? I've coined the Information age. A glorious. Thank you. A glorious utopian data scape in which everyone has a right to know everything about everything. It's why I get to see your penis at the airport.

[Trevor Noah]

You're not. You don't get to. I'm not gonna let you see my penis.

[Jordan Klepper]

Why? What are you hiding?

[Trevor Noah]

I'm hiding my penis.

[Asif Mandvi]

Oh.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, really?

[Trevor Noah]

Yes.

[Jordan Klepper]

Is there something about your penis that you don't want us to know about?

[Asif Mandvi]

Are you in favor or are you.

[Jordan Klepper]

Not in favor of transparency?

[Trevor Noah]

But, Asif, that's not transparency. Transparency is Being open to the public on important issues and processes so that the public can make inform.

[Jordan Klepper]

Ah, wrong again, Rip Van. Old Grandpa man. Transparency is about me knowing everything I don't already know. Because if I don't know it, that means someone's keeping it from me. Like your penis.

[Trevor Noah]

So your.

[Jordan Klepper]

Your.

[Trevor Noah]

Your. My penis is a metaphor?

[Asif Mandvi]

Sure.

[Jordan Klepper]

That helps you sleep at night.

[Trevor Noah]

All right. You know, should everything Asif be out there? If there's total transparency, we won't really see anything.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, I'm an old 20th century man driving my car to get food.

[Trevor Noah]

People still do that. You don't do. I'm not that much older than you are.

[Jordan Klepper]

Well, there's only one way to find out. Let's count the rings on your penis.

[Trevor Noah]

That's not how you find out. Stop with the penis already.

[Jordan Klepper]

I know, I know, John. I'm annoying you. But it's that kind of dogged persistence that's the hallmark of a free press. That's why this WikiLeaks dump is so important. It's basically our generation's Pentagon Papers.

[Trevor Noah]

Well, the Pentagon Papers exposed blatant lies about how the government got us into the Vietnam War, how they continued to mislead us about the war's progress. Even the most cynical reading of these, I don't think rises to that indictable a level.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, it's not meant to, man. No, it's about the beautiful anarchy of information. It shows that what the government says in private is not necessarily what it says in public.

[Trevor Noah]

But who doesn't know that? That seems like a relatively banal point to be made. Not all information is equal, though, Asif.

[Jordan Klepper]

And that's why your fly will always be up, and my generations will always be down.

[Trevor Noah]

Your. Your fly is down.

[Asif Mandvi]

Always.

[Trevor Noah]

Thank you, Asif. Asif Manvi, everybody. We'll be right back.

[Desi Lydic]

Okay.

[Jordan Klepper]

Do you guys remember last week when the Trump administration was in the deepest after the James Comey firing? Right, specifically because Trump's sudden dismissal of Comey further raised suspicions of his relations with Russia. Right. And then remember how literally the day after that, the day after that, he hosted Russians, two top diplomats in the Oval Office. You remember that? Yeah. And then we were all like, man, it can't get any worse. We were wrong.

[Trevor Noah]

Breaking news tonight. President Trump reportedly revealed highly classified information to Russia's foreign minister and Russia's ambassador in a White House meeting last week. This, according to the Washington Post, which cites current and former U.S. officials as saying that Trump's disclosures jeopardized a critical.

[Jordan Klepper]

Source of Intelligence on the Islamic State. I knew it. No, I knew something was up when we saw President Trump with the Russians, and they were smiling. There's only two times a Russian man smiles the day he dies. And this. I mean, once again, this sounds like a story that we would invent, right? Trump invites the Russians into the Oval Office, and then in his meeting, starts bragging, I get great intel. I have people brief me on great intel every day, and then proceeds to give them the intel. He probably doesn't even know what intel is short for. My intellivision is the best. It gets the highest ratings. Best ratings of all. What's really sad about this is that Donald Trump is trying to impress the Russians with the fact that he's president. They know the guy's there, like, yeah, do you guys know that I'm president? And they're like, yes, that is how we planned it. Yes, of course. Like. Like right now. Right now. If I were Putin back in Moscow, I'd be like, this is a trap. No, no, it has to be. No, it can't be this easy. Come on, come on. Because, you know, they thought it was gonna be a lot harder, right? They were probably trying to figure out how to hide bugs in the Oval Office, you know, figuring out where to put everything. And Trump was like, hey, what's that? Is that a microphone? I Love those. Hello. 1, 2, 1, 2. Here are my secrets. Now, before you get your hopes up, the White House has already called the Washington Post's report false. And in any case, even if it wasn't called that, the chance of Donald Trump getting into trouble for this is next to nothing. Because, you see, a president, almost by definition, can't leak classified information. Once a president says it, it's declassified. That's the law. It's a crazy law, but it's true. But I'm sorry, right now it feels like Trump is doing everything he criticized Hillary for doing during the campaign. Mishandling national security secrets under threat of an FBI investigation. At this rate, next week, he's gonna faint in public, just be like, I also lost my shoe. I will say this, though, people. At least now we know there's no aliens. Yeah, because if there were, Donald Trump would have told us by now. Like, he would have leaked it immediately. ET Used my Samsung to phone home. He did it, folks. So the good news is Trump listens during intel briefings, and the bad news is Trump listens during intel briefings. Let's move on from one piece of work to another. Donald Johnson. And Johnson, baby. Powder Trump, the ex president most likely to be a surprise judge at a wet T shirt contest. Yesterday, the government office that keeps presidential records asked the Justice Department to investigate Trump's improper handling of official documents. And like, at this point, I'm wondering if there are any laws that Trump hasn't broken. You know, like, if, if there was a Guinness Book of World Records for crime, he'd probably steal the book. But, yeah, according to reports, Trump would rip up papers after he read them. Right. He took boxes of material with him to Mar A Lago. And now we're learning that Trump did the most Trump thing that he possibly could have done with some of these documents. We are beginning with breaking news. Staff members at the White House residence discovered wads of printed paper in a clogged toilet on more than one occasion during the Trump administration and believe that it was the former president himself who was trying to flush documents. I learned that staff in the White House residence would periodically find the toilet clogged. The engineer would have to come and fix it. And what the engineer would find would be wads of, you know, clumped up wet printed paper.

[Trevor Noah]

You know, meaning it was not toilet paper.

[Jordan Klepper]

It could be post its, it could be notes he wrote to himself.

[Trevor Noah]

It could be other things.

[Jordan Klepper]

We don't know. But it certainly does add, as you said, another dimension to what we know about how he handled material in the White House. You know, it's so funny how in every scandal involving Trump and documents, none of them involve him reading them. And, and, and, and by the way, I will say this. I know it's easy for us to all go, Trump was trying to obstruct justice. That's what this was. But you do remember at the start of the pandemic, there was a shortage of what? And I don't know about you guys, but when there's no toilet paper, state documents start to look mighty tempting. It also does explain why Trump was always complaining about toilets. You remember how he always did that? People are flushing toilets 10 times 15 times as opposed to once they end up using more water? Yeah, they're flushing it 10 times 15 times. No, dude, you were flushing toilets 10 times 15 times because you were shoving your homework down the toilet. I mean, everyone assumed he was a man who clogged the White House toilets, but no one ever thought we'd have to ask the question, but with what? Now, of course, Trump denies all of this. He says he never clogged any toilets, ever. Smoothest poo of all time. So the big question is who's telling the truth? Well, luckily, we have an exclusive interview with the only man who knows what the truth is. So we're gonna go out live right now to the White House to chat to that man. Sir, I understand that you are the official White House plumber. That's right.

[Trevor Noah]

It's me, Carl Schwartz. How you Doing well.

[Jordan Klepper]

Doing well. Thank you so much for joining us, Mr. Schwartz. Uh huh. Um, as the White House plumber, we'd love for you to tell us everything you know about Trump flushing documents down the toilets. All right, let me stop you right there, chief. Okay, Sorry to disappoint you, but I can't.

[Trevor Noah]

It's the plumber's code.

[Jordan Klepper]

The plumber's code. That's right.

[Trevor Noah]

It's the iron code all plumbers live by. One, never tell a toilet secrets.

[Jordan Klepper]

Two, always round up the bill.

[Trevor Noah]

Three, no visible butt crack.

[Jordan Klepper]

Trying to break that stereotype.

[Trevor Noah]

So I'm sorry, but I can't reveal what I know about Trump's toilet, no matter what.

[Jordan Klepper]

Aw, come on.

[Trevor Noah]

All right, fine, I'll tell you. I was in Trump's bathroom almost every.

[Jordan Klepper]

Day, pulling paper out of the toilet. I unclogged so many classified documents, they had to give me top secret clearance.

[Trevor Noah]

I'm talking CIA briefings, diplomatic cables, the medical experiments that created Rudy Giuliani.

[Jordan Klepper]

Honestly, some of the stuff, I didn't.

[Trevor Noah]

Understand what it meant. Like, I found this one document that.

[Jordan Klepper]

Just says, nuke Spain, question mark. Oh, wow. Yeah. You must have been pretty frustrated with President Trump giving you so much unnecessary work. Are you kidding me?

[Trevor Noah]

I love President Trump. He made my job more interesting. And he trusted me with our nation's top secrets, unlike certain other presidents who.

[Jordan Klepper]

Just used the toilet to poop or pee.

[Asif Mandvi]

Obama.

[Jordan Klepper]

I don't know why you said it like that. You could have. We knew who the. Anyway, let me ask you this. Was Trump the only one in the White House who was flushing documents? Uh, did Vice President Pence do it? No, no, no.

[Trevor Noah]

Mike Pence never even used the bathroom.

[Jordan Klepper]

He actually doesn't have any holes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have.

[Trevor Noah]

An emergency I have to deal with.

[Jordan Klepper]

Kamala Harris. Been locked in the bathroom for the past year. Oh, wow. Is that where she's been? Well, well, good luck with that, and thank you so much, Mr. Schwartz. You got J.P. did he say no holes? Introducing Instagram teen accounts. A new way to keep your teen.

[Trevor Noah]

Safer as they grow. Like making sure they always have their seatbelt on.

[Desi Lydic]

All right, buckle up. Good job.

[Jordan Klepper]

New Instagram teen accounts. Automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see. Oh, my God. The FBI. The FBI raided Donald Trump's house in Mar a Lago. The FBI people raided a former president's house. This is huge. This is bigger than when the feds investigated Bill Clinton for doing mouth stuff with that saxophone. And by the way, by the way, this raid, just so you know, has nothing to do with January 6th or tax fraud or giving the White House plumber PTSD. No, apparently. Apparently this investigation is about Trump taking classified documents from the White House. And. And honestly, you know, I'm amazed that Trump has time for all of this crime. Like, at any moment, at any moment, Trump's got a crime that he's covering up. He's got a crime that he's doing now. He's got a crime that he's plotting for the future. He's like the Steve Harvey butt of crimes. You know, every day I'm like, does he have the same hours in the day as me? He gets so much done. Now, if you'll remember, if you remember, earlier this year, the. The feds already had to go down to Mar a Lago and take back 15 boxes of documents that Trump wasn't supposed to have. But apparently they think there's more hidden on the property. All right, and I believe that. I believe that, too. I mean, like, Trump's not gonna keep records in a filing cabinet like a normal person. It was the same dude who buried his ex wife on a golf course. I mean, think about that. And yes, it is totally unprecedented for the FBI to raid the home of a. That is true. That has never happened in American history. But don't forget, Donald Trump has also never happened in American history. Everything is an anomaly with this man. I mean, like, why do you think a book from one of his staffers comes out every single week? Because every single person he interacts with is like, yo, have I got a up story for you. And wouldn't it be weird if this is the thing that takes Trump down? We thought it would be something like conspiracy or bribery or blackmail, but no. Trump's got busted for taking work home with him. What a nerd. Now, obviously, President Trump recognizes the gravity of this situation, which is why he has refrained from comment while the legal process is. Nah, I'm joking with you. Come on. The guy released a statement immediately, immediately, immediately. He read, these are dark times for our nation as my beautiful home. Mar A Lago in Palm Beach, Florida, is currently under siege, raided, and occupied by a large group of FBI agents. They even broke into my safe. What's the difference between this and Watergate? What's the difference? I love that even while he's complaining, he slips in that the thing is beautiful. How could they do this to my beautiful home? Also, also, this is completely different from Watergate, all right? For one thing, the guys breaking into Watergate didn't need to clean old ketchup stains off the documents. But the other big thing, the other big difference is that the raid was legal, all right? It was approved by a federal judge, approved by the head of the FBI, who, by the way, was appointed by Donald Trump himself, after he got rid of, like, 17 other heads of the FBI because they didn't want to do crimes with Donald Trump. So now the big mystery is, what did the FBI find? Well, according to Donald Trump's third favorite son, the only thing the FBI took was his heart. What could they possibly think existed inside of Mar A Lago in a box that was taken from the White House that was so damaging that the FBI director and the Attorney General of the United States would have to raid a former president's residence and grab everything out of there? I don't know. They'll probably find a note from me telling him how proud I am of him and what a great job he was doing as president. They might find some of my kids. Maybe some nice, you know, headlines. Maybe a nice note from you, Sean. Oh, Eric, you silly, silly man. Did Daddy tell you that's where your letters to him go? Hmm? Hidden away somewhere safe? They're just too important to show anybody or acknowledge in any way, Eric. That's why I locked them up right next to my wedding ring. That's what I do. Now. Aside from the boxes that they took, the FBI also looked inside Trump's safe, which is very dramatic, like, because apparently they had to break into it. Right? So now you're like, how do they do it? Did they. Did they blow it open? Or did they just correctly guess the code was 6969? I. Honestly, I. I'd be surprised. I would actually be surprised if they found White House documents in Trump's safe, because a safe is where you keep your most prized possessions. Yeah. So in my head, searching through Trump's safe would probably go a lot more like this. All right, guys, let's see what we have in here. All right. My God. The entire safe is just filled with McRib after McRib. This is. This is. They're stacked on top of each other. This is. I don't even understand. It's an unventilated safe. Who would do this? Wait, wait, wait. Hold on there. There's a secret panel in the bottom. I think we found it. We just found. Nope. Another Mac rib, boys. Another Mac rib. Now, you might be wondering, you might be wondering, isn't this an extremely explosive situation for the United States? Yes, it is. It is. You don't want to let a former president get away with crimes, right? Because nobody in America is above the law. Right. Except corporations and rich people and police and celebrities sometimes. But aside from them, nobody is above the law. But at the same time, even the perception that the Justice Department is being used to go after your political opponents, that could erode people's trust in government. So it's a really tricky situation. And the only thing we can do is wait and see how the investigation unfolds. Or if you're Fox News, you can just freak out right now. This is an abomination.

[Desi Lydic]

This is Gestapo crap.

[Trevor Noah]

It's probably the worst day in the history of the FBI.

[Jordan Klepper]

This is a wake up call for those in Congress to be able to use the tools at their disposal to defund the FBI. Dismantle the FBI into a thousand bits. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene simply tweeting, defund the FBI.

[Desi Lydic]

If this is what they're able to.

[Jordan Klepper]

Do to the former President of the United States, Think about what they could do to you, to anybody in America. The real target of this investigation isn't Trump. The real target of this investigation is you. Do we have a dual justice system in America? Is there equal justice under the law? I am deathly afraid for Donald Trump. I would not put assassination behind these people. We are entering a basically a Venezuelan, Zimbabwean, East German style banana republic in which the law doesn't matter. This is some Third World bullshit right here. Let me say it again.

[Trevor Noah]

Third World bullshit.

[Jordan Klepper]

All right, first of all, as someone from the Third World, maybe leave us out of your shit for once, huh? How about that?

[Trevor Noah]

How about that?

[Asif Mandvi]

Just to show third World bullshit right here, do yourself.

[Jordan Klepper]

Every. Every time, every time Americans want to call something in America that is that's corrupt, all of a sudden they're like, oh, this is Third World bullshit, my man. At what point do you realize that it's happening here? It's you. It's you. Bad things only happen in other countries. When it's here, it's still happening in another country. In fact, when something happens in the actual Third World. Yeah. These days, America's gotten so bad, people in Africa are like, are you Kidding me? This is just like America. Ah, no. This place is turning into America. What are we.

[Asif Mandvi]

What are we doing here?

[Jordan Klepper]

What are we doing? But I do get what Super Karen is saying. If the FBI, if the FBI is gonna go after Trump for stealing classified documents from the White House, then what's to stop them from going after you? When you steal classified documents from the White House, is that the country we wanna live in where anyone can be investigated just for the crime of doing crimes? I don't think so. It has been one month since the FBI raided Donald Trump's beautiful Mar A Lago home and stole his beautiful top secret documents. And we're still getting new information every day. Like, it just came out that one of the documents in Trump's possession had secret information about a foreign country's nuclear defense capabilities. Yeah. So now America needs to send out letters to every country in the world. Like those ones you get from your credit card company. You know, it's like, so there was a data breach and you're probably gonna wanna change your nuclear codes. But even if you think you've been following the story closely, you. You haven't. Rarely. Unless you know how they're covering it on Fox News. So for that perspective, here's Desi Lydic with another installment of foxplains.

[Desi Lydic]

What is this secret document scandal really about? Why is it happening now? On a scale of 1 to the most innocent man who's ever lived, how innocent is Donald Trump? Well, I've been watching fox news for 26 days straight and I'm ready to Foxplain the biggest witch hunt since Dorothy skipped down that yellow brick road with a robot in a furry.

[Jordan Klepper]

People.

[Desi Lydic]

This wasn't a search. This was a raid. The woke FBI smashed a window and broke in. And Merrick Garland took a bubble bath in Trump's tub and erased everything on his dvr. He was catching up on Abbott Elementary. Merrick with Donald Trump. Trump did was normal. Everyone brings work home, even when they no longer work there. After I got fired from H and M, I brought home an entire cash register. It is totally normal and not illegal. Joe Brandon's Department of Justice is out of control. Congratulations, FBI, you did it. You found Melania's top secret underwear. Can I see it? Seriously? Donald Trump took documents. Documents. This is no worse than what Hillary did, which was terrible. And she should go to prison, which is why Trump should not go to prison. Do I have to list why it's okay that he has the documents? Okay. Attorney client privilege, executive privilege, white privilege, diplomatic immunity. Uh, the Kavanaugh hearings. Trump is technically still the President because he never gave us two weeks notice. Double jeopardy. That's gotta be a thing, right? Seriously? We're prosecuting Trump on the Espionage Act. You're trying to get an American president on a French word? I don't think so, Pepe Le Pew. No, no, no, no, no. America, if you are not so outraged that you forgot to pick your children up from school every day last week, then you are not paying attention. Where's the raid on Hunter Biden's laptop? Oh, right. The laptop is sitting in a five star hotel, getting a massage and eating caviar from China. If they indict Trump for this, there will be riots in the streets. And if they don't indict him, there will also be riots in the streets, just like on January 6th. Which was not a riot. It was a normal tourist activity. Which is good. Or bad. Either way, I will not be picking up my kids from school that day. Sorry, sweeties. This is just another deep state hoax and a major distraction from the real story. Joe Biden gave a speech when it was dark out. That's all for this week. Bye, everyone. Merrick Garland is a space elf.

[Asif Mandvi]

Okay, you guys remember that for the past six months, we've been roasting the shit out of Donald Trump for keeping classified documents at his house. And I have to agree. What kind of moron. I mean, what kind of irresponsible piece of shit would keep classified documents? I mean, he's got to be the only dumbass that would do something so stupid.

[Jordan Klepper]

Breaking news from the White House.

[Desi Lydic]

More classified documents were found in President Biden's Delaware home.

[Asif Mandvi]

Just roll the damn tape.

[Jordan Klepper]

This morning, President Biden is facing growing calls for transparency from Republicans and even some Democrats amid the special counsel's investigation into his handling of classified documents after he left the Obama administration. Pressure is mounting after this weekend. The White House Counsel's office said additional pages of classified documents were discovered inside the President's Delaware home. It comes after about a dozen initially discovered at Mr. Biden's private office, including at least one document marked top secret. That followed by two batches discovered in Delaware, including inside his garage. Classified material next to your Corvette?

[Trevor Noah]

What were you thinking?

[Jordan Klepper]

By the way? My Corvette's in the locked garage, okay? So?

[Asif Mandvi]

It's not like you're sitting out in the street.

[Jordan Klepper]

What?

[Asif Mandvi]

This is a national security emergency, okay? A man this old with access to a Corvette.

[Jordan Klepper]

Ah.

[Asif Mandvi]

I don't know what's more scary. Biden losing the nuclear codes or Biden going 85 on the highway. Biden, please do not drive that Corvette. Your ass can't even ride a bike. Let me tell you something. He probably loves talking about this scandal cause it gives him a chance to talk about his Corvette. Hey, everybody. I've got stolen documents next to my sweet Corvette. Go, Grease Lightning. You're burning up the grid.

[Trevor Noah]

Grease Lightning.

[Asif Mandvi]

Whoa. Grease Lightning. Look, I know this is a big scandal, but honestly, I think these documents was pretty safe at Biden's house. Cause it's hard to find anything in an old man's garage. Grandpa, where's the document? It's by the leaf blower. You have six leaf blowers, Grandpa. But can I just say this for a minute? I am so disappointed in you, Joe Biden. Because this is the Trump scandal. You copied stealing documents. You could have been black balls deep in porn stars. You dumb. But there's a bigger problem here. Because first it was Trump, now it's Biden. What I need to know is who is in charge of these documents? Who is the bitch who is freely giving out classified documents?

[Trevor Noah]

Who the is this person?

[Asif Mandvi]

What's up, yo, how you doing, man? You wanna get some documents? Check this out though. I just came back from lunch and I smoked the biggest spliff I have ever rolled. So I'm real high right now. So it's your lucky day. I'mma hook you up with all the documents you need right now. You know what? Just take what you want. But wait, wait. I'mma need to get you to sign. Hold on, let me get something for you to sign. You know what? I remember you. I remember. I trust you. I trust you. I trust. But you gotta be cool, son. You gotta be cool with these documents, okay? Where you gonna hide them at? Where you in a Corvette? You got a Corvette? Take whatever you need. You are a g.

[Jordan Klepper]

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