The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Episode: TDS Time Machine | Ko$ta Doin’ Business
Host: Michael Kosta
Release Date: September 27, 2025
Episode Overview
This episode of "The Daily Show: Ears Edition" features a satirical, rapid-fire breakdown of economic news and political headlines with Michael Kosta at the helm for his recurring segment "Kosta Doin' Business." With Jon Stewart and the Daily Show News Team covering the broader scope, Kosta zooms in on how to “make fat stacks of stinkin' cash” amid political instability, shifting markets, tariffs, and controversial policy changes under President Trump’s administration. Kosta’s signature blend of absurdity, sharp wit, and mock financial advice turns market chaos into comedic opportunity, all while lampooning current events and the moneyed classes.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Trump Presidency and Market Reactivity
- Kosta opens by riffing on the immediate, dramatic market pivots following Trump’s presidential victory.
- Private prison stocks (GEO, CoreCivic) soar after Trump appoints immigration hardliner Tom Homan:
“Prison stocks are booming, and I'm a buying. If profits off prisons are a crime, well, then lock me up.” ([01:24]) - Jokes about the ethical implications and personal consequences of “profiting” off mass incarceration.
2. Climate Policy and ‘Cash Cane’
- Points out Trump’s dismissal of climate change and resulting financial signals:
- Oil and gas up, clean energy down:
“Bye bye, solar. Hello, superstorms. Bank account’s about to be flooded.” ([02:10]) - Kosta feigns investment advice:
“I’m buying any company that makes raincoats. If Paddington wears it, I'm buying.” ([02:45])
- Oil and gas up, clean energy down:
3. RFK Jr., Dental Supplies, & Health Policy
- Discusses rise in dental stock prices over speculation about removing fluoride from US water.
“If you're not buying dental supplies, you're totally mental. Drills, tiny mirrors, and the third best ‘caine: Novocaine. It goes cocaine, Michael Caine, and Novocaine.” ([04:20])
4. Social Trends & Consumer Goods
- Kosta mocks the surge in "woke signage stocks" anticipating a liberal response to Trump’s policies:
“Libs are gonna be spending a lot on cute little signs in the window because they don't stand for hate. Meanwhile, I’ll be standing on a yacht in Monaco with my buddy Rick.” ([05:01]) - Predicts skyrocketing demand for Kleenex ("libs are crying, Trumpsters are jacking off"), as a tongue-in-cheek metaphor for national division and stress ([05:18]).
5. Avocados and Super Bowl Trade Tensions
- Trump’s last-minute tariff deal with Mexico keeps avocados cheap for Super Bowl guacamole: “No tariffs means avocados are gonna be flying off the shelves faster than Speedy Gonzalez.” ([07:23])
- Personal anecdote about hoarding avocados, now spoiled:
“Daddy's got a u-haul full of avocados parked in Secaucus…and they're rotten. Per.” ([07:32])
6. Volatility in Retail, Starbucks Bathroom Policy
- Starbucks requires customers to buy something to use the bathroom—Kosta riffs on business strategy:
“People need to take dumps. So what do you do? Make them buy coffee, which makes them need to take a dump more. 400 coffee dumps deep, living in a tent outside the bathroom. Mikey likey!” ([08:58])
7. Egg Shortages, Bird Flu, and Outlandish Investment Advice
- Sky-high egg prices lead to ladder investments (to steal eggs from wild birds), and bandage ointment stocks to treat the consequences.
- Satirical non-expert confidence:
“So what? Chickens aren’t birds. They’re chickens, you mouth breathing imbeciles. Turns out chickens are birds. I'm not a bird doctor.” ([10:31]) - Personal breakdown over ex-wife, eggs, and betrayal.
- Satirical non-expert confidence:
8. Tariff Mania and Panic Buying
- Americans panic-buying rice, toilet paper, and toothpaste in anticipation of higher tariffs:
“If people are snapping up rice, then call me the Rice Patty Daddy. Just converted my entire bathroom into a rice patty.” ([14:20]) - Imports from China slapped with 104% tariffs; toys and electronics threatened.
- “These tariffs are affecting all your toys. Tonka trucks, Care Bears, Nintendo Switches. Now you’ll never know what's going on inside your Care Bear. Well, until puberty.” ([15:24])
9. Apple & iPhone Tariffs
- Apple's rush to ship iPhones before tariffs take hold—a setup for Kosta’s criminal “investment tip”:
“I’m bullish on unsupervised coat checks. These rooms are teeming with tariff-free phones. All it takes is a cater waiter uniform and you’ll be harvesting apples like a family in autumn.” ([17:20])
10. TikTok Takeover & Social Tech
- The US extends TikTok’s deadline; OnlyFans founder is a potential buyer.
- “I’ve been putting money into that site for years, but I can’t pull anything out because Mistress Victoria says I’m not allowed to. At least I put two of her kids through North.” ([19:03])
- Kosta "guarantees" TikTok won't be banned because it's too popular.
11. Legislation: ‘Big Beautiful Bill’
- Trump’s new centerpiece legislation (the BBB) triggers:
- Hospitals in rural Nebraska closing due to Medicaid cuts
- Satirical "investment": “Who needs local hospitals when you can watch Grey’s Anatomy on DVD? Plus, the sexual tension will make your heart go pitter patter. Unless that's an inoperable murmur…” ([22:19])
- Gambling loss deductions now capped at 90%:
- “You used to just lose your family gambling. Now you can lose something even more valuable—a minor tax deduction.” ([23:33])
12. Whaling Subsidies & Alaska Wins
- Satirizes Alaska’s carve-outs for fishing and whaling captains:
“Time to make some money on the bosses… so naturally, I'm bullish on peg legs. Pick up your Captain Costa’s balsa wood peg leg today. No refunds.” ([25:18])
13. Gun Silencers and Bubble Wrap Floors
- The BBB eliminates fees on buying silencers—only Michael Kosta would “invest” in bubble wrap floors to thwart “hard working murderers.”
- “Bubble wrap floors. Sorry Chechen hitmen, your gun may be silent, but the pop pop pop under your feet just gave you away.” ([25:51])
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- “If profits off prisons are a crime, well, then lock me up. And if being filthy rich is a crime, then throw away the key. And if vehicular manslaughter is a crime, oh, I guess I'm in a lot of trouble. Uh. Oh.” ([01:36])
- “I'm buying any company that makes raincoats. Rule of thumb, if Paddington wears it, I'm buying it all because let me tell you people, it's gonna rain.” ([02:45])
- “You want another bump, Trump, to make your wallet plump? I'm talking woke signage stock… Meanwhile, I'll be standing on a yacht in Monaco with my buddy Rick. Look, we're not gay, but we do travel well together.” ([05:01])
- “Seriously, what do I gotta do, sell my car so I can Buy a frittata? …I wasn't too egg cited to find out about that. I've been sleeping like shit.” ([12:05])
- “Now for those of you that have a working iPhone and your favorite app for watching Tradwives make slow churn smoothies, it’s about to get a new owner. Hit me.” ([18:53])
- “If people are snapping up rice, then call me the Rice Patty Daddy, because you're looking at a guy who just converted his entire bathroom into a rice patty. Yup, look. And if anyone has a contact at Whole Food, Sensei Costa's Toilet Rice is still looking for a distributor.” ([14:20])
Timestamps for Important Segments
- 01:01: Michael Kosta kicks off “Kosta Doin’ Business”
- 01:36: Private prison stocks and Trump’s cabinet pick
- 02:20–03:00: Climate policy impacts; satirical weather-related stocks
- 04:01: Dental supplies boom on RFK Jr. Health Secretary rumors
- 07:21: Tariff news and the fate of avocados, Super Bowl guac
- 08:58: Starbucks bathroom policy as a “business model”
- 10:31–12:05: Egg price crisis, bird flu, and Kosta’s personal woes
- 14:20: Panic buying: Rice, toilet paper, and “Sensei Costa’s Toilet Rice”
- 15:17: Tariffs on Chinese goods: Toys, electronics
- 17:20: Wave of panic buying iPhones; coat check “advice”
- 18:59: TikTok sale deadline and OnlyFans bid
- 22:19: “Big Beautiful Bill” passes, rural hospitals close
- 23:33: Gambling tax deductions slashed
- 25:18: Alaskan whaling subsidies and peg leg “investments”
- 25:51: Silencers, bubble wrap floors, and evading Chechen hitmen
Tone and Style
Michael Kosta adopts an irreverent, absurdist, and hyperbolic tone throughout—peppering genuine analysis of economic news with gleeful self-deprecation, rapid-fire punchlines, and running gags about personal disaster. Listeners are treated to a blend of Wall Street jargon, streetwise hustling, and postmodern late-night comedy, making light of even the bleakest policy news.
This summary offers a comprehensive guide to the episode’s content and comedic highlights—perfect for catching up or revisiting favorite moments of “Kosta Doin’ Business.”