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- [00:00]
Announcer
Thanks for selling your car to Carvana. Here's your check.
- [00:03]
Michael Costa
Whoa. When did I get here?
- [00:04]
Announcer
What do you mean?
- [00:05]
Michael Costa
I swear it was just moments ago that I accepted a great offer from Carvana online. I must have time traveled to the future.
- [00:10]
Announcer
It was just moments ago. We do same day pickup. Here's your check for that great offer.
- [00:15]
Michael Costa
It is the future.
- [00:17]
Announcer
It's. It's the present. And just the convenience of Carvana. Sorry to blow your mind.
- [00:21]
Michael Costa
It's all good. Happens all the time.
- [00:24]
Announcer
Sell your car the convenient way to Carvana. Pick up. Times may vary and fees may apply. Finally, in your wellness era, then you know gut health is gut wealth. And with 20 years of science behind it, Activia can help keep those good gut vibes going. Deliciously smooth and creamy Activia probiotic yogurts and dailies have billions of live and active probiotics and help support gut health while you go about your day. Your gut is where it all begins. So start with Activia. Enjoying Activia twice a day for two weeks as part of a balanced diet and healthy lifestyle can help reduce the frequency of minor digestive discomfort.
- [01:01]
Michael Costa
You're listening to Comedy Central. Hey. Hey, everybody. I'm Michael Costa, and this is Costa doing business. All right, big shout out to our sponsor, cocaine. Cocaine. It's not illegal if you're white. Now, now that we know who our next president is, we're tracking a whole lot of movement in the market. So how can you get rich off a Trump presidency? Hit me. Private prison stocks rose overnight after Trump selected immigration hardliner Tom Homan as his border czar. Two big private prison companies, Geo and Corecivic, both went up by more than 56%. And the chairman of Corecivic said this is an unprecedented opportunity for them. They expect to make a lot of money in the coming months. Lot of money. Prison stocks are booming, and I'm a buying. All right, if profits off prisons are a crime, well, then lock me up. And if being filthy rich is a crime, then throw away the key. And if vehicular manslaughter is a crime, oh, I guess I'm in a lot of trouble. Uh. Oh. Honestly, being in prison seems like fun. I mean, shooting hoops all day, drinking toilet wine all night, and in the friendships, you know, I mean, what can I say? It's actually hard making male friends as an adult. I mean, shout out to my only true friend, Rick. You're my ride or die, my man. Oh, moving on. Let's go. What else can we expect from President T Rump. We all know he got that ass. We also know that he ain't gonna do shit about climate change, which means it's time to make that climate cha cha, cha, cha change. We've seen clean energy companies like solar see their stocks relatively lower, and in many cases, absolutely lower, compared to oil and gas stocks. Bye bye, solar. Hello, superstorms. All right? And that means a category 5 cash cane a comin. And my bank account's about to be flooded, okay? And to capitalize, I'm buying any company that makes raincoats. All right? Rain hats, galoshes. Rule of thumb, if Paddington wears it, I'm buying it all because let me tell you people, it's gonna rain. It's gonna rain. It's gonna rain. Look, I'm in the middle of a divorce right now, and I hid a lot of my assets in Chili's gift cards. We're having a serious custody battle, and I'm just hoping I can get my baby back. Baby back. Baby back. Seriously, though, it's getting really ugly and it's sad. Of course, the market isn't just reacting to Trump. It's also reacting to his cabinet pics. Hit me.
- [04:02]
Announcer
Shares of dental care supplier Henry Schein rose yesterday, up by seven and a half percent. It's the best day since 2022. Investors are, of course, speculating that RFK Jr, Donald Trump's pick for Health and Human Services Secretary, might push to remove fluoride from the US Water supply.
- [04:20]
Michael Costa
Open your mouth and say, ah. Yeah, look, if you're not buying dental supplies, you're totally mental. My guys, I'm talking drills, tiny mirrors, and the third best cane, Novocaine. All right? It goes. It goes cocaine, Michael Caine and Novocaine. And yeah, yup, yup. And yeah, I've had all three on my gums before, so I know what I'm talking about. What's that? You want another bump, Trump, to make your wallet plump? I'm talking woke signage stock. Give me that thing. Because the libs are gonna be spending a lot of money on cute little signs in their window because they don't stand for hate. Meanwhile, I'll be standing on a yacht in Monaco with my buddy Rick. Look, we're not. Look, we're not gay, but we do travel well together, all right? Now, last but not least, here's one more stock tip to make that cheddar drip. I'm talking about something every American is gonna need these next four years. Kleenex libs are crying in them because they lost Trumpsters. Are jacking off in them because they won and I Kleenex because. Gimme them because. Because I get a lot of nosebleeds for some reason. It's crazy. Now look. Thanks for watching and as always, if you lose all your money because of me, hey, that's just the cost of doing business. Hey Rick, coming down the line back there. Woo. Disney and Pixar. Zelio has a new home. Now streaming on Disney. That's amazing. Critics of Helio is fun and full of heart and humor. These are the lava tunnels.
- [06:06]
Announcer
I am not fireproof. Just get in my mouth. Actually kind of comfy in here.
- [06:11]
Michael Costa
It is. It's certified fresh and verified hot. Ta da. Helio's bringing the whole family together on Disney.
- [06:18]
Announcer
One, two, two and a half, three.
- [06:21]
Michael Costa
Disney and Pixar's Elio. Now streaming on Disney created pg. I'm Michael Costa and this is the Costa doing business where I teach you how to make fat stacks of stinkin cash. So tonight's segment is sponsored by Men's Swearhouse, the first members only club for guys who love to curse. Men's Swearhouse. You're gonna shit the way you now full disclosure, I'm a part time owner and we aren't doing well. Now that's all the reason to make a little badly needed money starting with the super bowl this Sunday. I don't know about you, but I plan on watching the game Ebenezer Scrooge style. Peering into my co worker's window while he cares for his sick child. It's going to be fun. And thanks to big daddy Trump making Mexico bend the knee, I'm going to be turning some green mash into that green cash. Hit me.
- [07:16]
Announcer
Trump struck a last minute deal with Mexico, putting a 30 day pause on those tariffs.
- [07:22]
Michael Costa
Avocados are going to sell a lot in the next week. It's what Sunday? The Super Bowl. So if that tariff had hit, the retail price would have jumped up at least 25% and everybody's guacamole would have been that much more expensive. Aichihuawa. Gracias por el dinero para biblioteca. Eh, that's right. No tariffs means avocados are gonna be flying off the shelves faster than Speedy Gonzalez. But you should be bullish on all things guacamole. Mole, mole. Mole. Of course I'm Ed. I bought thousands of avocados thinking there would definitely be a trade war. So now daddy's got a u hole full of avocados parked in Secaucus. And let me tell you Something. They're rotten per. Which reminds me, this segment is sponsored by Miguel Costa's brown guac. Okay? It's as tasty as it is brown. I knew you would love it. Moving on. It's been a crazy week in the market and my phone is ch. Cha chinging off the. His. His. His hook. There's a trade war. There's not a trade war. The market's up. It's down. But as I. But as. As I always say, volatility means profitility. That phrase is coined. And with panic in the air, no company is capitalizing on that more than Daddy. Starbucks. I said, hit me.
- [08:47]
Announcer
You now need to buy something at Starbucks if you want to use the bathroom or just hang out there. Starbucks CEO says the goal is to bring back the coffee house vibe that's diminished in recent years.
- [08:59]
Michael Costa
Hell yeah, Starby. More places need to do stuff like this to fight loitering. Like my local park. Hey, buddy, buy a tree or get the out. All right, but seriously, this is a genius new business model. People need to take dumps. So what do you do? Make them buy coffee. Which, guess what? Makes them need to take a dump of more. Which means they need to buy another coffee. Get it. Next thing you know, they're 400 coffee dumps deep, living in a tent outside the Starbucks bathroom. That's why I'm rating this move a Mikey likey. Okay, now. Yeah, moving on. A Mikey likey. One of the biggest stories of the week is the rising price of eggs. Now, if you watch this program regularly, like I'm sure you do, you might have heard me say this a few times. Come here, Come here, come here. I guarantee egg prices will drop come February. You can bet the farm on it. People saying. But Kosta, the bird flu's getting really bad. So what? Chickens aren't birds. They're chickens, you mouth breathing imbeciles. All right, so turns out chickens are birds. I'm not a bird doctor. I'm a human. And now that I know this, let's make some money. This morning, egg prices soaring. The average price for a dozen eggs now more than $5. And in some local markets, prices are as high as $19. The biggest reason, bird flu. According to the USDA's price outlook, egg prices are predicted to increase another 20% this year. There have also been egg shortages, leaving shoppers racing to gobble up egg. Prices are nuts. Seriously, what do I gotta do? Take out a mortgage just to make an omelet? What do I gotta do, sell my car so I can Buy a frittata. What do I gotta do? Pretend to be the long dead husband of the wealthy widow Belvedere, finally back from the Korean War. Then one night, in the middle of her sponge bath, I sneak off and write myself into her will. But as I'm forging her name, I realize behind all those wrinkles and skin tags lies the kindest, gentlest soul I've ever met. But when I rush into the bathroom to tell her I love her, she's dead. Someone left her in the tub alone and she's dead just to afford a few huevos rancheros. I need ay qui, ramba. It's out of control. But don't worry, eggheads. With high prices comes high pertunity. That's why I'm hella bullish on ladders, okay? They help you climb trees so you can steal eggs from a buzzard's nest. Which means I'm also going all in on ointment and bandages. Because as I always say, mama buzzard don't play like that. Now look, I know egg prices can really scramble your bank account. Your bottom line is getting poached. But hey, you think these egg prices are painful? You should try paying to freeze your wife's eggs, then watching her new husband, Blake, fertilize them. Let's just say I wasn't too egg cited to find out about that. I've been sleeping like shit. Well, that's all for this edition of Costa Doin business. I'm Michael Costa, reminding you that money can't buy happiness. Have a great Valentine's Day, everybody. I'm Scott Hanson, host of NFL Red Zone. Lowe's knows Sundays hit different when you earn them. We've got you covered with outdoor power equipment from Cobalt and everything you need to weatherproof your deck with Trex decking. Plus with lawn care from Scotts, and of course, Pit Boss grilles and accessories, you can get a home field advantage all season long. So get to Lowe's, get it done and earn your sundae. Lowe's official partner of the NFL, for a limited time at McDonald's, get a Big Mac Extra Value meal for $8. That means two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a SES and medium fries and a drink. We may need to change that jingle. Prices and participation may vary. What up, players? This is the Costa doing business. And I'm Michael Costa. So let's make some fat stacks of that stinkin cash. But first. I know what you're thinking, all right? And just to clarify, I didn't jump off a building because of the market crash, all right? This happened because I couldn't pay my coke dealer. And after the market crash and then he threw me off a building. What up, Hector? Anyways, all the more reason to get down to making some of that money. Okay, now this week, Big Daddy Trump's game of tariff. No tariff caused a lot of selling on Wall street, but on Main street, everybody's still singing Bye bye Bye, but it's spelled B U Y. Hit me.
- [13:57]
Announcer
With fears that prices will be going way up. Some Americans have started panic buying. Consumers going on a tariff induced shopping spree, from appliances to alcohol, hoarding items like toothpaste and toilet paper. We were talking about it that we should buy some rice because we get rice that's made in Thailand. And we said we don't really need it right now, but we're going to buy it.
- [14:20]
Michael Costa
Yup, that's right. American consumers are acting like me when I saw my coke dealer. They are now, as a rule of thumb, in a financial crisis, you should never panic. Then again, rules of thumb were meant to be broken, and I'm talking repeatedly smashed in a car trunk over and over again. But where there is panic, there are, ah, panic tunities. If people are snapping up rice, then call me the Rice Patty Daddy, because you're looking at a guy who just converted his entire bathroom into a rice patty. Yup, look. And if anyone has a contact at Whole Food, Sensei Costa's Toilet Rice is still looking for a distributor. Now of course, grocery stores aren't the only ones caught up in Uncle DJ T's economy lobotomy. Know what I mean? Despite a 90 day pause for other countries, tariffs on China are still sky to the high. Hit me. Oh, Jesus.
- [15:17]
Announcer
U.S. tariffs on Chinese goods soared to 104% on everything from clothing and shoes to toys.
- [15:24]
Michael Costa
It could soon be much harder to get your hands on Tonka trucks, Care Bears, and even the new Nintendo Switch 2 that's out this summer with companies opting to pause shipments to the U.S. swiss watches and X ray tubes for CAT scans could also be impacted with the tariff wars. Aw, sorry kids. These tariffs are affecting all your toys. Care Bears, Nintendo switches, X ray tubes for CAT scans. Now you're never gonna know what's going on inside of your Care Bear. Well, until. Until puberty. Am I right? Up top. But ser. These are just the kind of sacrifices we need to make to get the economy back to where it was 10 days ago. So with toys in the red, that means I'M buying up children's tears. Okay, These things. These things go for $10,000 an ounce on the streets of Silicon Valley. What do you think Mark Zuckerberg fills his cold plunge with? All right, that's how he keeps it. So Zuckerber. So Daddy T's tariffs are gonna be affecting some shiz that we don't care about. Like child's or your estranged grandma's 401k. But who cares? Because you weren't getting that money anyway. Not since your ex wife told her about what you did in Sarasota during a crypto conference. And even though you agreed to counseling and couples therapy and you deleted all the dating apps from your work phone and you swore you'd never be caught with $5,000 cash and a Costco sized bottle of amyl nitrates ever again, it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. So you grandma. But that doesn't mean Papa Trump's tariffs aren't gonna impact things that we do care about. Like iPhones. Hit me.
- [17:16]
Announcer
Apple seeing a wave of panic buying for iPhones as higher prices loom due to Trump's tariffs.
- [17:21]
Michael Costa
An iPhone 16 Pro Max already $1,200 could jump by another 350 bucks when it comes to Apple. They were finding as many 747s as they could to get iPhones out of China. Planes stuffed with billions of dollars of iPhones to arrive before the tariffs take effect. That's right. That's right. IPhones are flying here business class. So Apple can make a little business cash. But refugees fleeing a wicka wicka war, they're not gonna make it, are they? So that little shiny rectangle in your pocket is now worth a whole lot of wicka wika. Which is why I'm bullish on unsupervised coat checks. Okay, these rooms are teeming with tariff free phones. All it takes is a cater waiter uniform and you'll be harvesting apples like a family in autumn. You're no longer allowed to see anymore. Hey. Hey, Siri. How much green gravy did I just make off this iPhone? Tariff crisis.
- [18:17]
Announcer
This phone has been reported stolen. Calling police.
- [18:21]
Michael Costa
Oh yeah. Oops. Clumsy me. Right in a cup of coffee. Look. Looks like I'm gonna have to dry that out. In what, a bowl of Sensei Costa's toilet rice? Yeah, baby. Now available in the third stall of the men's bathroom at the Eth Rutherford Whole Foods. Now for those of you that have a working iPhone and your favorite app for watching Tradwives make slow churn smoothies. It's about to get a new owner. Hit me. The President announced he was extending by 75 days the deadline for TikTok's owner to find a non Chinese buyer.
- [18:59]
Announcer
There are a number of interested parties who have said they would be willing to acquire the app.
- [19:04]
Michael Costa
The founder of the adult content site OnlyFans has also submitted a bid. TikTok. It's money o' clock and I'm betting on OnlyFans. Hell, I've been putting money into that site for years, but I can't pull anything out because Mistress Victoria tells me I'm not allowed to. Well, at least I put two of her kids through north let's go Wildcats. But no matter who buy buy buys TikTok, do not worry because it will not be banned in the US and that's a Costa Rrantee. TikTok is simply too popular. The American people love it and for some it's the only workaround we have to communicate with our kids. Hey Skyler. Hey Brandon. Do you guys want to go see the Minecraft movie this weekend? Sound off in the comments. Your mom sucks. Well, that's all I have time for. If I don't get $2,500 to Hector in the next hour, he's gonna shatter my pelvis. But hey, that's just the cost of doing business.
- [20:04]
Announcer
Eczema isn't always obvious, but it's real. And so is the relief from Epglis. After an initial dosing phase, about 4 in 10 people taking Epgliss achieved itch relief and clear or almost clear skin at 16 weeks weeks, and most of those people maintain skin that's still more clear at one year with monthly dosing.
- [20:22]
Michael Costa
EBGLIS Librekizumab LBKZ, a 250mg injection, is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema, also called atopic dermatitis, that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals, or who cannot use topical therapies. EBGLIS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you're allergic to ebglis, allergic reactions can occur that can be severe eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with Epglis. Before starting Epglis, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection searching for real relief.
- [20:57]
Announcer
Ask your doctor about EBGLIS and visit eglis.lily.com or call 1-800-lilyrx or 1-800-545-5979. When did making plans get this complicated? It's time to streamline with WhatsApp, the secure messaging app that brings the whole group together. Use polls to settle dinner plans, send event invites and pin messages so no one forgets mom's 60th. And never miss a meme or milestone. All protected with end to end encryption. It's time for WhatsApp message privately with everyone. Learn more@WhatsApp.com.
- [21:37]
Michael Costa
What'S up, moneymakers? This is Costa doing business and I'm Michael Kosta. So let's make some fat stacks of that stanky fat cash. But first. I know what you're thinking. Hey, Kosta, what's up with the glasses? Are you hiding from loan sharks? Of course not. I'm hiding from Chechen killers that were hired by loan sharks. Every second could be my last. So let's not waste any time and let's start making some of that Monet. All right? Woo. This crowd loves money. The big news of the week is that Big Daddy Trump passed something huge. And I'm not talking about a kidney stone. Hit me.
- [22:11]
Announcer
President Trump marked July 4th with a celebration and a major political victory. His so called big beautiful bill is now the law.
- [22:20]
Michael Costa
Some warnings from critics of the bill are already coming true. A rural medical unit in Nebraska saying it's closing its doors in part because of expected cuts to Medicaid. That's right, the BBB is now law. Which means your hospital might be going buy, buy, buy. So I'm investing in what's going to sell, sell, sell. Now say it with me. The complete box set of Grey's Anatomy on DVD. Who needs a local hospital when you can watch McSteemey guide you through your triple bypass surgery? Plus, the sexual tension between Meredith and Derek is off the charts. It'll make your heart go pitter patter. Unless that's an inoperable murmur. Then you're kind of screwed. Moving on. If you're like me, you're not a huge gambler. You just do it before and after every meal. But now, because of the big beautiful bill, losing all that money may have a downside. Hey, dealer, hit me. A little known provision in the big beautiful bill has some gamblers upset.
- [23:18]
Announcer
The budget law changes the rules about deducting gambling losses. So Instead of deducting 100%, the law limits lost deductions to 90% of winnings, which could leave gamblers paying taxes even when they lose. And they are furious.
- [23:33]
Michael Costa
Sorry, fiscally responsible, degenerate gamblers. You're about to pay taxes on your losses. You know, it used to be that gambling you would just lose your family. But now you can lose something even more valuable. A minor tax deduction. Now, if there's one thing a gambler like me knows about Chechen loan sharks, it's that they will throw hot acid in your face. Which is why Uncle Costa's telling you to go all in on Ba Ba Ba Ba burn cream. Yep. And here's a quick Costa ka Tip KK Buy burn cream before you go to the casino and save yourself that awkward trip to the pharmacy where you walk in and all the employees scream because of your melted face. And then a child goes, mommy, Mommy. Who is that monster that will forever haunt my dreams? And you try to explain that you're just a human being looking for some compassion, but you can't get out the words because the nerve endings in your tongue have been severed by the hydrofluoric acid. Then a woman panics and throws her purse at your hamburger meat face. A purse that is filled with that sweet, sweet cash. Looks like these third degree burns just earned me some third degree bucks, huh? Beep beep. Baller at the burn ward. Coming through. But if you don't want to get burned by the big, beautiful bill, you can still make some cold, hard cash in Alaska. Brrr. Hit me. The Alaskan extraction. Lisa Murkowski. The final decisive vote to pass the Senate reconciliation bill did not sell her services cheap.
- [25:13]
Announcer
Murkowski secured tax cuts for Alaskan fishing villages and whaling captains.
- [25:19]
Michael Costa
Well, shiver me timbers, me mateys. Let's cash in on whaling. As in free willing, Shamu, Moby Dick, and other names I also call my penis. Just don't call it blackfish. The BBB has given the whaling industry a huge bump, which means it's time to make some money on the bosses. I'm talking about ship captains with an all consuming obsession for revenge. So naturally, I'm bullish on peg legs. It's the wooden stump that'll make your money pump. Pick up your Captain Costa's balsa wood peg leg today. No refunds. Moving on. When it comes to the triple B, sometimes opportunity knocks, but other times, it's deadly quiet. Shh. Hit me. This bill is going to also eliminate the fees on buying silencers and short barrel rifles and shotguns. There was a $200 fee on that that's going away. Alright. Now look. First the good news. First the good news. There's finally a tax break for the hard working murderers of this country. Now the it just got cheaper to silently murder someone. That's why I want all of you to go all in on tonight's Costa Kickback bubble wrap floors. Yep, sorry Chechen hitmen. Your gun may be silent, but the pop pop pop pop under your feet just gave you away. Giving me just enough time to sneak out of my second story window and zip line to my treehouse Home alone style. Better luck next time, Miroslav. Love you boy. But hey, that's just the cost of doing business. Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. ABC Wednesday Shifting Gears is back. He has arisen. Tim Allen and Kat Dennings return in television's number one new comedy what what? With a star studded premiere including Jenna Elfman, Nancy Travis and hey buddy. A big home improvement reunion welcome.
- [27:35]
Announcer
Oh boy, that guy's a tool.
- [27:38]
Michael Costa
Shifting Gears season premiere Wednesday, 8, 7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu. Martha listens to her favorite band all the time in the car, gym, even sleeping. So when they finally went on tour, Martha bundled her flight and hotel on Expedia to see them live. She saved so much she got her seat close enough to actually see and hear them. Sort of. You were made to scream from the front row. We were made to quietly save you. More Expedia made to Travel savings vary and subject to availability. Flight inclusive packages are atoll protected.