TDS Time Machine | New Years Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah

Summary

The Daily Show: Ears Edition – Episode Summary: "TDS Time Machine | New Year’s Resolutions with Steve Carell and Trevor Noah"

Release Date: January 13, 2025
Hosts: Trevor Noah, John Oliver, Jon Stewart
Guests: Steve Carell

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1. Political Resolutions: Analyzing GOP Candidates

The episode kicks off with Trevor Noah introducing a segment that scrutinizes the New Year's resolutions of the 2016 GOP candidates as presented on Fox News. Highlighting the varied personas of the candidates, Noah provides a humorous yet insightful overview of each contender's approach to their campaign promises.

Notable Quotes:

• John Oliver ([00:25]): "This year, my resolution is to preserve our liberties and restore prosperity across America... my resolution is to try to stay off the ice cream in Iowa."

Noah humorously breaks down each candidate’s characteristics:

• Rand Paul is portrayed as living in a "libertarian utopia."
• Marco Rubio is described as "clean cut, middle of the road."
• Mike Huckabee is simply "happy to be here."
• Rick Santorum is focused on battling "Ben and Jerry" rather than other Republican contenders.

2. Ted Cruz’s Filibuster Attempt

The conversation shifts to Ted Cruz, who takes an unusually long time to deliver his New Year’s message, effectively attempting a filibuster. John Oliver comments on Cruz's extended speech:

Notable Quotes:

• John Oliver ([01:29]): "2016 is going to be the last year of the Obama presidency... the last year that we have Obamacare."
• Trevor Noah ([02:15]): "I hate to... Ted Cruz was trying to filibuster New Year's. And this is gonna take a while."

Frustrated by Cruz's verbosity, Noah humorously suggests sidelining him:

• Trevor Noah ([02:22]): "Happy New Year, everybody."
• John Oliver ([02:32]): "But you know what it was."
• Steve Carell ([02:26]): "It was short and sweet."

3. Donald Trump’s Unique Countdown

A highlight of the night, according to Noah, is Donald Trump receiving his own separate countdown during the New Year's celebration on Fox News. This move underscores Trump's flair for the dramatic and his penchant for standing out from the crowd.

Notable Quotes:

• Trevor Noah ([03:38]): "Donald Trump gets his own countdown. I'm so rich. I get five more seconds of New Year's Eve."
• Trevor Noah ([04:05]): "Donald Trump is basically the human embodiment of Times Square... a perfect match."

4. Slimming Down with Steve Carell: A Comedic Health Segment

Transitioning from political satire, the show delves into personal resolutions with a comedic twist. John Oliver introduces "Slimming Down with Steve," where Steve Carell embarks on a humorous journey to lose weight through diet and exercise. The segment parodies typical weight loss shows, complete with exaggerated consultations and failed attempts at healthy eating.

Notable Interactions:

• Steve Carell ([05:16]): Engages in a mock nutritional consultation, humorously listing unhealthy foods.
• John Oliver ([05:33]): "Sweet roll. What's sweet roll? Like a Danish?"

The segment advances to Steve’s attempt at a healthier diet, showcasing his comical struggles:

• Steve Carell ([06:10]): "Look how beautifully green these are."
• John Oliver ([06:56]): "What makes pasta primavera such a healthy dish?"

5. John Oliver’s Weight Loss Odyssey and Plastic Surgery Parody

The narrative continues with John Oliver documenting his exaggerated efforts to lose weight, leading to a satirical exploration of plastic surgery. Through fake consultations with a plastic surgeon, Oliver pokes fun at the pursuit of physical perfection and the absurdities of cosmetic procedures.

Notable Quotes:

• John Oliver ([12:49]): "I met with New York plastic surgeon Dr. James Reardon."
• Plastic Surgeon ([13:08]): "It's not going to make you handsome if you're not handsome to begin with."
• John Oliver ([13:03]): "I am a fat, ugly person. Do you think I would be a good candidate for liposuction?"

The segment escalates into absurdity with mock surgical details and humorous dialogues:

• John Oliver ([15:16]): Greeting Steve Carell post-surgery with exaggerated astonishment.
• Jon Stewart ([15:30]): "Which one of these two doctors that you met with would you recommend?"
• John Oliver ([15:43]): "My mom has an excellent podiatrist... I couldn't be happier."

6. Conclusion and Reflections

The episode wraps up with the hosts reflecting on the absurdities of New Year's resolutions, both in the political arena and personal health endeavors. Through sharp wit and comedic timing, The Daily Show: Ears Edition offers listeners a blend of political commentary and lighthearted humor, making complex topics accessible and entertaining.

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Note: Advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections from the transcript have been omitted to maintain focus on the core discussions and comedic segments.

Transcript

[Trevor Noah]

You're listening to Comedy Central. If you really want to understand what's going on with the 2016 GOP candidates, all you had to do was spend New Year's Eve with Fox News, which gave each candidate the chance to express New Year's wishes to the American people.

[John Oliver]

This year, my resolution is to preserve our liberties and restore prosperity across America. My resolution for 2016 is to do everything I can to not just restore the American dream, but to expand it to reach more people. I hope you've had a good 2015, but I'm hoping you're going to have a better 2016. Good luck with your resolutions. Mine is try to stay off the ice cream in Iowa.

[Trevor Noah]

I love this. You know, what I enjoyed about this whole night was that you really got a sense for the candidates. You could understand everyone. Rand Paul lives in some libertarian utopia. I don't know what that background is. Marco Rubio, he's clean cut, middle of the road. Mike Huckabee, he's just happy to be here. And. And Rick Santorum knows that there's only one battle in Iowa he has a chance of winning this year, and it's not against Jeb and Donald. It's against Ben and Jerry. Ted Cruz also took some time out to talk. I wish he didn't. And let's hear what he had to say.

[John Oliver]

Eric and Kim, it's great to be with you. Happy New year. You know, 2016 is going to be an incredible year. 2016 is going to be the last year of the Obama presidency. 2016 is going to be the last year before Hillary retires permanently to Chappaqua. 2016 is going to be the last year that we have Obamacare.

[Trevor Noah]

You know what? I. I hate to. This is actually the part where Ted Cruz was trying to filibuster New Year's. And this is gonna take a while. So you know what? Let's just put him. Let's just put him down. Yeah, that's. Let's leave him down there. We're gonna come back to. This goes on for a while anyway. Now, not everyone was as enthusiastic as Senator Cruz about the New Year. To all my friends, I hope that.

[John Oliver]

We have a prosperous, healthy, and secure New Year's.

[Trevor Noah]

Happy New Year, everybody.

[John Oliver]

He had more time.

[Trevor Noah]

Yes, we gave him as much time as he wanted he could have.

[John Oliver]

But you know what it was.

[Steve Carell]

It was short and sweet.

[Trevor Noah]

That's exactly what you can expect from the Bush campaign, short and sweet. He has unlimited resources, and he doesn't do anything with them. This guy's still going. Let's see what Carly Fiorina had on her mind.

[John Oliver]

While you're in exciting Times Square, we're here in Mason Neck, Virginia with our grandkids, our daughter and our son in law. Woo hoo.

[Trevor Noah]

Was that a sarcastic woo hoo? And this is the couch where we spend Christmas, New Year's and let's go and let's be honest, probably where we'll spend the election night.

[Audience Member]

Woo hoo.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, and look at Cruz. He's still talking. Nobody wants to hear your story, man. It's New Year's Eve. People want to get hammered and watch strangers in stupid hats kissing. This guy's still talking. But the best moment of the night, best moment had to be when Fox brought on Donald Trump. Now, he was supposed to do the countdown for them to midnight, but for some strange reason, he didn't count down when everyone else was counting down. And then after that, he proceeded to have his own mini countdown by him. You know what? Just watch the thing. Just watch it.

[John Oliver]

Stay with us. We'll get back with you right after the ball drops. We're doing the countdown. Stand by. Four, three, two. Happy New Year.

[Trevor Noah]

Yeah. Donald Trump gets his own countdown. I'm so rich. I get five more seconds of New Year's Eve. And if you think about it, it actually makes sense. Donald Trump is basically the human embodiment of Times Square. Yeah. They're both old, loud, flashy and full of garbage. And New Yorker. New Yorkers can't understand what everyone else sees in them. They're a perfect match.

[John Oliver]

John. The last time on Slimmin down with Steve. I chose a personal trainer. But as you know, exercise alone just won't cut it. Today we're going to focus on nutrition. Join me as I visit a top New York City nutritionist. My name is Steve Living down the Steve Living down the Steve Slim down the Steve Living down the Steve with me. Before a nutritionist like Mariam Papo can offer advice, she has to learn about the eating habits of her patient.

[Steve Carell]

Just tell me if you've eaten these in the last week.

[John Oliver]

Okay.

[Steve Carell]

Cheese?

[John Oliver]

Yes.

[Steve Carell]

Fried chicken?

[John Oliver]

Yes.

[Steve Carell]

Other fried foods?

[John Oliver]

Yes.

[Steve Carell]

Hot dogs?

[John Oliver]

Yes.

[Steve Carell]

Salami.

[John Oliver]

Yes.

[Steve Carell]

Snack chips?

[John Oliver]

Yes.

[Steve Carell]

Bacon.

[John Oliver]

Yes.

[Steve Carell]

Sausage?

[John Oliver]

Yes.

[Steve Carell]

Sweet roll. What's sweet roll? Like a Danish?

[John Oliver]

Yes.

[Steve Carell]

What type of milk do you drink?

[John Oliver]

Buttermilk.

[Steve Carell]

What type of oil do you use?

[John Oliver]

WD40, usually. Peanut oil.

[Steve Carell]

When you have chicken, is it with the skin or without the skin?

[John Oliver]

Just the skin. What am I doing wrong? It didn't take long for Miriam to observe that I needed more Vegetables in my diet. So she offered to make me a healthy meal.

[Steve Carell]

Look how beautifully green these are.

[John Oliver]

Mm.

[Audience Member]

Mm.

[John Oliver]

Green things. The supermarket was gonna be a lot of fun. This is beef tongue. If you were to eat this, wouldn't your food essentially be tasting you? We did have fun. But now it was off to the kitchen to make pasta primavera, which in Italian means, no meat for Steve. That looks good.

[Steve Carell]

Yeah.

[John Oliver]

What makes pasta primavera such a healthy dish?

[Steve Carell]

Because it's usually using all fresh vegetables.

[John Oliver]

Bam. Right? Like. Like that, chef.

[Steve Carell]

Okay, great.

[John Oliver]

Finally, it was time to indulge.

[Steve Carell]

Let's dig in.

[John Oliver]

Let's say grace first. All good gifts around us. Horse. And from heaven above. And thank the Lord. Thank the Lord for all his love. I really want to thank you, Lord. I want to thank you, Lord. Oh, thank you, Lord above. Mmm. That's all right.

[Jon Stewart]

Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen.

[John Oliver]

W.

[Jon Stewart]

First of all, thank you for allowing us to go on this emotional journey with you. My pleasure. Now, how is the new diet going for you?

[John Oliver]

Well, it's been tough, John, because I've had to find ways to incorporate vegetables into my nutritional regime.

[Jon Stewart]

I think you mean regimen, not regime.

[John Oliver]

Regime, John. You do what you need to lose weight. I'll do what I need to do. Okay. Now take a look at this. You'll notice it says all vegetable. Right. Couple of scoops of this, I get all the vegetables I need.

[Jon Stewart]

I actually think it's shortening. Vegetable shortening. So it doesn't.

[John Oliver]

It serves up just like ice cream. Mmm.

[Trevor Noah]

What was your resolution this year? Sleep better. Sleep better? What the hell does that mean?

[John Oliver]

More sleep.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, okay. Like, just getting more sleep. The way you made it sound is like you're grading your sleep. Like, you're in bed, and then you're sleeping, and then you're like, I gotta do this better. This is. I can't sleep like this. Why am I sleeping? Or are you one of those people who sleeps with their eyes open? Those people creep me out. Have you seen those people who, like, sleep, but then their eyes are like. They do this thing, and then you talk to them, and then they just, like. They don't say anything. That's. That's the creepiest shit ever. Yeah. In Africa, we burn people like that. You can't just be like, how are your eyes open at night? What are you doing? You'll be bewitching us. And have you been sleeping better? How? Make it a priority.

[John Oliver]

What do you mean?

[Trevor Noah]

You make sleep a priority. What does that mean?

[John Oliver]

Not staying up late for no Reason.

[Trevor Noah]

Oh, okay, I see. I thought you were saying like, when you get into bed, there's like other priorities that you might have. And then now you're like, nah, from now on, I sleep in this bed. You know, the sleep hygiene. I like this. This is very cool. I like this. This is a good, good resolution to have. You see, this is what I'm talking about. These are pandemic resolutions. What's my resolution for the new year? I'm gonna sleep more. See, and now you look like you're doing something. Imagine if you said this shit in like 2017. You'd be a loser. Do you know what I mean? What are you gonna do for the new year? I'm gonna sleep more. People would be like, what a loser. Now people are like.

[Audience Member]

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[John Oliver]

In today's segment, I'd like to turn my attention to what some might consider a radical way to take off the pounds. But for me, it's just another chapter in my weight loss odyssey. My name is Steve Lyman. Down the Steve Limbin down the street go steep Slimming down the street Limbin down the street Go steaming Down the street Limbin down the street Living down with me. I've been trying to slim down through diet and exercise. But I still feel like 190 pounds of crap in 175 pound bag. It's time for some desperate measures. I decided to slim down the old fashioned way. The surgical way. So I met with New York plastic surgeon Dr. James Reardon. How much weight can I lose in a liposuction procedure?

[Plastic Surgeon]

This is one of the typical canisters that contains the fat and the fluid that's removed. You can remove four or five of These.

[John Oliver]

You can remove four or five of those from my ass.

[Plastic Surgeon]

No, that's not. People think that's true, but it's not.

[John Oliver]

I am a fat, ugly person. Do you think I would be a good candidate for liposuction?

[Plastic Surgeon]

It's not going to make you handsome if you're not handsome to begin with.

[John Oliver]

Do you think I'm handsome?

[Plastic Surgeon]

You're not doing it for your face. You're doing it for your. For your body image.

[John Oliver]

Do you think I should do it for my face?

[Plastic Surgeon]

No. No, absolutely not.

[John Oliver]

Anyway, I was there for liposuction, a surgical procedure usually reserved for older men with titties. And what could be more natural than sucking fat out with a stainless steel tube? I'm sure a lot of people have concerns about entering into this sort of procedure.

[Plastic Surgeon]

That's the reason we see the patients usually twice in consultation beforehand. If they need some sedation and feel they need it, we will give them some sedation the night before.

[John Oliver]

Would it be possible to get sedated during one of the consultations?

[Plastic Surgeon]

No. No.

[John Oliver]

I was beginning to think that Dr. Reardon was a bit too conservative for my taste. I needed a surgeon with a tan, A tan you can trust. What sort of other procedures do you do besides liposuction?

[Trevor Noah]

Virtually all cosmetic procedures, including facelift and eyelid surgery.

[John Oliver]

And breast surgery. Breast surgery. Right. Let's talk about breast augmentation. Okay. Is that a fun surgery to do? Is it a fun surgery for me to do?

[Trevor Noah]

It is because the change is rather immediate.

[John Oliver]

Would that be a fun surgery for me to watch? I don't know of any surgery would be fun for you to watch. Well, that one might be. Dr. Gold recommended we focus on my surgery. And besides, my D cups didn't need enlarging anyway. This is a recent photograph of me. What are my problem areas? When he regained his ability to speak, Dr. Gold weighed my options. It all seemed almost too good to be true. But there was a downside. The greatest downside is you can die.

[Jon Stewart]

Steve Carell, ladies and gentlemen.

[John Oliver]

Steve Carel. Wow.

[Jon Stewart]

For people at home who are watching this, which one of these two doctors that you met with would you recommend?

[John Oliver]

Well, both are excellent surgeons, but a little bit pricey. Now, if you're like me and your show won't pay for the procedure, you will have to look for alternatives.

[Jon Stewart]

So did you go with another plastic surgeon? One that was less expensive?

[John Oliver]

Well, not exactly. My mom has an excellent podiatrist, and he watched the procedure on the Learning Channel. Thought he was comfortable enough with it. And thought he'd give it a whirl and just look at the results. I couldn't be happier. Check this out.

[Jon Stewart]

Oh, my God.

[John Oliver]

I know. Look at me. I feel so thin.

[Jon Stewart]

Oh, God.

[John Oliver]

Oh, my. I gotta just sit down for a couple.

[Jon Stewart]

We'll be right back. Back after this.

[Trevor Noah]

Medic. Medic. Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount plus.

[Audience Member]

Paramount Podcasts.