TDS Time Machine | Sports War 2024

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Daily Show: Ears Edition – "TDS Time Machine | Sports War 2024"

Release Date: January 3, 2025
Hosts: Ronny Chieng and Jordan Klepper
Produced by: iHeartPodcasts and Paramount Podcasts

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1. Caitlin Clark's WNBA Debut

The episode kicks off with a deep dive into Caitlin Clark’s highly anticipated debut in the WNBA with the Indiana Fever. Ronny Chieng expresses skepticism about her performance, humorously labeling her "the worst basketball player in history" due to her initial struggles.

• Chieng (01:03): "I think Caitlin Clark is the worst basketball player in history. She's tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when it mattered."
• Klepper (01:20): Counters by highlighting her scoring potential and comparing her rookie stats favorably to Michael Jordan’s debut.

The hosts debate Clark's impact, balancing comedic jabs with recognition of her impressive collegiate record.

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2. Paris 2024 Olympics and E. Coli Concerns

Transitioning to the upcoming Paris Olympics, the hosts discuss alarming reports about high levels of E. Coli in the River Seine, which is slated for swimming events.

• Klepper (01:48): "The river Seine is filled with E. Coli. That is gross. These athletes are going to pick up a disease at the Olympics."
• Chieng (02:25): Satirizes the situation by suggesting athletes demonstrate their prowess by competing despite the contamination.

The segment blends real-world concerns with absurd humor, questioning the preparedness of the Olympic organizers.

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3. Controversial Comments by Chiefs Kicker Harrison Butler

Ronny and Jordan tackle the backlash against Harrison Butler, a Kansas City Chiefs kicker, for his remarks promoting traditional gender roles during a commencement speech.

• Reporter (03:52): Details Butler’s comments advocating for men to embrace masculinity and women as homemakers.
• Klepper (04:06): Emphasizes Butler’s unapologetic stance on masculinity.
• Chieng (04:32): Mockingly praises Butler for speaking up, juxtaposing it with personal jabs at Klepper.

This exchange highlights the tension between societal expectations and individual expressions within sports culture.

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4. Shohei Ohtani's Interpreter Theft Scandal

The hosts shift focus to a scandal involving Shohei Ohtani’s interpreter, Ippei Mizuara, who pleaded guilty to stealing nearly $17 million.

• Reporter (05:08): Explains Mizuara’s misuse of funds to settle gambling debts.
• Chieng (05:32): Advocates for outlawing interpreters, sarcastically suggesting eliminative measures.
• Klepper (05:41): Defends the importance of multilingualism, ironically pushing for English as the sole language.

The segment uses exaggerated humor to critique the ethical breaches in sports management.

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5. Bronny James Entering the NBA

Bronny James, son of LeBron James, announces his decision to enter the NBA draft after one season at USC, sparking debate about legacy and expectations.

• Reporter (09:01): Confirms Bronny’s draft declaration and his potential as a second-round pick.
• Chieng (09:19): Dismissively advises Bronny to pursue alternative careers, undermining his athletic prospects.
• Klepper (09:39): Counters by commending the tradition of children following in their parents’ footsteps, albeit with a sarcastic tone regarding LeBron’s reputation.

The discussion underscores the pressures of living up to a legendary parent in professional sports.

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6. Retirement of Takeru Kobayashi

Celebrated hot dog eater Takeru Kobayashi announces his retirement due to health concerns stemming from decades of competitive eating.

• Reporter (10:36): Details Kobayashi’s achievements and reasons for stepping down.
• Klepper (10:57): Mocks Kobayashi’s condition with a mix of absurd comparisons.
• Chieng (11:12): Praises Kobayashi’s legacy, intertwining inappropriate humor about his ethnicity.

This segment blends tribute with irreverent humor, highlighting the absurdities of competitive eating.

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7. Rachel Gunn's Breakdancing Olympic Debut

Australian breaker Rachel Gunn makes her Olympic debut but fails to score, leading to viral attention and comedic critique.

• Reporter (15:38): Introduces Gunn’s memorable but unsuccessful performance.
• Chieng (16:30): Launches into a tirade against Australian talent, humorously linking it to racial stereotypes.
• Klepper (16:17): Continues the mockery, emphasizing Gunn’s underperformance with exaggerated disdain.

The hosts use Gunn’s experience to satirize national pride and athletic expectations.

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8. USA's Performance in the Olympics

The podcast highlights the United States' dominance in the Paris Olympics, particularly in men's basketball, where stars like LeBron James, Kevin Durant, and Steph Curry led the team to victory.

• Reporter (12:30): Announces the USA’s impressive medal count and basketball success.
• Chieng (13:01): Ridicules the victory margin and mocks the players, especially LeBron James.
• Costa (13:27): Sarcastically congratulates the team while belittling their achievements.

This discussion juxtaposes real athletic success with the hosts’ characteristic humor and cynicism.

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9. Noah Lyles and COVID-19 Impact

Sprinter Noah Lyles faces challenges during the Olympics after testing positive for COVID-19, affecting his performance in the 200-meter event.

• Reporter (14:11): Details Lyles’ struggle and eventual bronze medal finish.
• Chieng (14:42): Criticizes Lyles’ decision to compete despite his illness with biting sarcasm.
• Costa (14:57): Mirrors the criticism, making light of the situation with dark humor.

The segment comments on athletes’ health decisions and the broader impact of COVID-19 on sports.

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10. NFL Jets' Coach Firing

The hosts discuss the Kansas City Chiefs’ recent firing of head coach Robert Sala, attributing the decision humorously to Aaron Rodgers’ influence.

• Reporter (19:09): Reports on the Jets’ abrupt coaching change.
• Chieng (19:26): Conspiratorially links Rodgers to the firing, drawing parallels to his own controversial remarks.
• Klepper (19:42): Continues the argument with exaggerated comparisons and mockery.

This exchange lampoons the instability within professional football coaching positions.

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11. Vanderbilt's Upset Over Alabama

A surprising college football upset where Vanderbilt defeats the top-ranked Alabama team, leading to chaotic celebrations by Vanderbilt students.

• Reporter (20:34): Covers the unexpected victory and subsequent goalpost demolition by fans.
• Chieng (20:53): Critiques the celebration tactics while making personal insults.
• Klepper (21:07): Advises restrained celebration, blending genuine advice with comedic undertones.

The segment illustrates the unpredictable nature of college sports and fan behavior.

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12. Passing of Pete Rose

Concluding the episode, Ronny and Jordan mourn the passing of Pete Rose, MLB’s all-time hits leader, while humorously debating his legacy and Hall of Fame eligibility.

• Reporter (21:50): Reports on Rose’s death and his controversial gambling history.
• Chieng (22:01): Dismisses Rose’s Hall of Fame exclusion with exaggerated praise.
• Klepper (22:25): Parodies the eulogizing process, making jabs at Chieng’s perspective.

The discussion balances respect for Rose’s achievements with the hosts’ trademark irreverence.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Chieng (01:03): "I think Caitlin Clark is the worst basketball player in history."
• Klepper (01:20): "She scored 20 points. That's four more than Michael Jordan had in his rookie debut."
• Chieng (05:32): "Interpreters should be outlawed."
• Klepper (09:39): "The children of great people are always great themselves."
• Chieng (22:48): "Pete Rose doesn't belong in the Baseball hall of Fame."

Conclusion:

"TDS Time Machine | Sports War 2024" offers a satirical and humor-infused exploration of the latest sports headlines. Through sharp wit and relentless banter, hosts Ronny Chieng and Jordan Klepper dissect everything from athlete debuts and Olympic controversies to coaching dramas and legacy debates. Notable for their dynamic interplay and memorable quotes, the episode delivers both laughs and critical commentary, making it an engaging listen for sports enthusiasts and comedy fans alike.

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Note: The summary intentionally omits advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections to focus solely on the episode's substantive discussions.

Transcript

[Michael Costa]

Hey, it's me, Michael Costa. The Daily Show's on break for the holidays, but in the meantime, we put together some special highlights just for you. We'll be back in the New Year on January 7th with all new episodes.

[Ronny Chieng]

What's up, scrubs? I'm Ronny Chie.

[Jordan Klepper]

And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is sportswar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

[Ronny Chieng]

That's right. I mean, that's wrong.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah. No, you're wrong. Let's get right to the biggest story. Caitlin Clark made her pro debut and learned everything gets a little less fun after college.

[Unnamed Sports Reporter]

Welcome to the WNBA. Caitlin Clark, the NCAA's all time Division 1 scoring leader, made her professional debut on the road with the Indiana Fever last night. She got off to a slow start, though, missing her first four shots before scoring on a layup midway through the second quarter. Clark finished with 20 points in the Fever's 92:71 loss to the Connecticut Sun. She also committed 10 turnovers.

[Ronny Chieng]

Sorry, feminists. Ten turnovers and the team lost by 20 points in her first game. I've seen enough, man. I think Caitlin Clark is the worst basketball player in history. She's tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when it mattered. She's the Jordan Klepper of the wnba.

[Jordan Klepper]

Whoa, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie. I'm gonna hit you with my car and leave the scene. Let's look at the stats here, Ronnie. Look at these things. She scored 20 points. That's four more than Michael Jordan had in his rookie debut, which mathematically faster and better equipped to open a steakhouse than Michael Jordan.

[Ronny Chieng]

Let's talk about stats. I have a stat right here for you. Okay, look at this. Jordan Klepper didn't lose his virginity until he was 38. You're the goat of whatever that is.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, you know what? Here's your stat right here. Eat shit. Okay, moving on. We are officially 72 days away from the Olympics in Paris, and the organizers are finding themselves in deep duty, literally.

[Unnamed Sports Reporter]

There's a huge effort to get the river seine fit for use in the Olympic Games. A report from earlier this month said that the bacteria, including pollution of fecal origin, was far higher than the river permitted. Experts say that even a rainstorm could raise E. Coli to an unacceptable level. And Olympic organizers still hope that the river seine can be used for the swimming events.

[Jordan Klepper]

Ooh, the river seine is filled with E. Coli. That is gross. These athletes are going to pick up a disease at the Olympics. It should be the old Fashioned way. Unprotected sex in the Olympic Village. The only way to do it. The only way to do it.

[Ronny Chieng]

As usual, Jordan, I think the Olympics needs more E. Coli. Okay? Because if you're a world class athlete, then prove it by pole vaulting with active diarrhea.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, you love, you love. You love E. Coli, Ronnie. You love it. The last time I came to your house for a barbecue, you were sprinkling E. Coli on chicken kebabs. Like salt, bae, you know?

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah. Love it.

[Jordan Klepper]

Your hospitality was for the birds, Ronnie. The birds. Two stars. I was puking all night.

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah, well, I puke from just looking at your oblong face.

[Jordan Klepper]

Ob. Is that right? Is that how you say it? The point is, just like the 4th of July at Ronnie's house, the Olympics are gonna be rife with E. Coli. Which brings us to J. Klep's Bet of the Week, where you can pick which country will get the most E. Coli in the 2024 Olympics, brought to you by gambling. Gambling? Start spending. You've already won.

[Ronny Chieng]

And don't forget to claim your 20% bonus boost by entering the promo code. Kleppersucks.

[Jordan Klepper]

All cash. I don't like that. I told you, I don't like that code.

[Ronny Chieng]

It's not you, okay? It's a different Klepper.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, that's fine then. That's okay.

[Ronny Chieng]

No, just kidding. It' okay.

[Jordan Klepper]

I suck. I suck. You blow. Who cares? We're all dead inside. Get over it. Let's talk about sports.

[Ronny Chieng]

All right. Speaking of sports, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs is in hot water after making the biggest mistake any football player could make. Talking.

[Unnamed Sports Reporter]

Some Chiefs fans are feeling stunned this morning by the comments made by kicker Harrison Butler during the commencement speech at Benedictine in Atchison. Butler claimed that a woman's most important role is that of a homemaker and demanded that men be more masculine.

[Jordan Klepper]

Be unapologetic in your masculinity, fighting against the cultural emasculation of men.

[Ronny Chieng]

Hey, I say we should listen to this kicker. Okay?

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah.

[Ronny Chieng]

They're the football players with the least amount of brain damage. And I'm glad he's speaking up for emasculated men like Jordan. Congratulations, Jordan. For the first time in your life, someone on the football team is speaking to you. You don't have to wear that fake varsity jacket anymore.

[Jordan Klepper]

You. Ronny, I told you that in confidence. Moving to a new school is difficult. It was a natural way to make friends. Anyway, this kicker thing, this kicker thing raises. Why do we have people kicking in American Sports Americans handle balls with our hands. Like Ronnie's mom. You know that's wrong.

[Ronny Chieng]

Jordan. You know my entire family has a foot fetish. True. Which brings us to our bet everything wager of the evening. Which useless position player will be the next to wade into the culture war? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. It will fix everything.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, speaking of gambling, let's move on to our final. Prosecutors in Los Angeles say Shohei Ohtani's former interpreter has agreed to plead guilty to stealing almost $17 million from the LA Dodgers superstar. The U.S. attorney's office say Ippei Mizuara used the money to pay off gambling debts and other personal expenses without Ohtani's knowledge.

[Ronny Chieng]

This interpreter stole $17 million from Ohtani. That settles it. Interpreters should be outlawed. Okay, if you don't know the language, you should just have to guess.

[Jordan Klepper]

Hard disagree. Hard disagree. Ronn isn't interpreters, it's languages. We should only have one. I suggest English.

[Ronny Chieng]

Oh, oh, big surprise. Of course you suggest English. That's the only language a tiny brain can handle. The biggest head, the smallest brain.

[Jordan Klepper]

English. English is gonna be the dominant global language for at least five more years. Look, I'm speaking the major league language here. Why would I go back to AAA and learn Finnish?

[Ronny Chieng]

Finnish? That's not even a real language, you dumbass.

[Jordan Klepper]

It is. It's what they speak in Canada. Ronnie, read a book. All right, but do it on because we are on to the big bet of the night. Is this Ohtani story yet another sign that America's normalization of gambling is corroding society? Brought to you by gambling. Remember gambling Bet now. Live forever. Well, we're out of time. Join us next time on SportsWar. We'll be debating Michael Jordan versus Caitlin Clark. Who's more likely to contract E. Coli.

[Ronny Chieng]

Good night, America. Gambling. What's up, morons? I'm Ronny Chie.

[Jordan Klepper]

And I'm Jord. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. For example, if I say Ronny Chieng doesn't suck, well, then I have to.

[Ronny Chieng]

Disagree with you on that, Jordan. Everybody knows I'm a bad son and a selfish lover.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yes, you left out that you're also rude to service workers. Let's start with the biggest story in sports. The shove heard round the world.

[Unnamed Sports Reporter]

This physical moment involving the WNBA's most high profile rookie raising questions unnecessary. Chicago's Kennedy car shoulder checking the fever's Caitlin Clark knocking her to the ground.

[Jordan Klepper]

Throw the flag, send her to the Hague Come on. Caitlin Clark is clearly getting bullied. I'm sick of it. You can't just push people in sports. Unless it's football, hockey, dude, basketball, the Little League World Series, or being drunk dad at the Little League World Series.

[Ronny Chieng]

Well, I hope one of those dads shoves you into traffic, Jordan, because you couldn't be more wr. As a lifelong WNBA fan since Caitlin Clark joined the league a few weeks ago, I can say with absolute certainty that that shove was barely a foul. Hey, the WNBA needs to get harder if they want me, their target demographic, to keep watching. Okay? You hear that, wnba? Just because you don't have a penis doesn't mean you can't get hard. Just ask Jordan.

[Jordan Klepper]

Are you saying my penis is soft or non existent?

[Ronny Chieng]

Whichever hurts your feelings more.

[Jordan Klepper]

Joke's on you, Ronnie. I'm dead inside. Look, I relate to Caitlin Clark. A superstar at the top of her game surrounded by jealous peers. Caitlin, I see you. I am you. And we're not going to let bottom feeders like Ronny Chieng push us around. Which brings us to tonight's Jay Klept's can't lose bet of the week. What's the source of Roddy Chang's crippling inferiority complex? Brought to you by. You can only lose if you stop.

[Ronny Chieng]

Okay, moving on from the greatest women's basketball player to the greatest men's basketball player's son.

[Unnamed Sports Reporter]

Bronny James, the son of NBA superstar LeBron James, will remain in the NBA draft. His agent confirmed his decision today. James will forego his college eligibility after playing one season with USC. LeBron and Bronny James could be the first father and son duo to play at the same time in the NBA.

[Ronny Chieng]

He's projected to be a second round pick primarily because his father is LeBron James. Yo. Bronny should not enter the NBA at all, okay? There's zero chance he can live up to the legacy of his father. Go do something else. Like being a tall dentist or a tall architect or medium sized world's tallest man. Quit while you're not ahead.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, yeah, that's good advice, Bronnie. You should take it. Of course Bronny should join the NBA. The children of great people are always great themselves. Don Jr. RFK Jr. Carl's Jr. All great men. The only pressure here is on LeBron. If his sperm can't produce a 12 time NBA all star who reinvigorates the Space Jam franchise. LeBron is overrated.

[Ronny Chieng]

Overrated. That's just what your mom said to me last night.

[Jordan Klepper]

So you made. You made love to my mother.

[Ronny Chieng]

Like I said, Jordan, I'm a selfish lover. Which brings us to Ronnie's slam dunk bet of the night. Who will be a greater disappointment to their father? Bronny James or Jordan Klepper? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling is like taking candy from a baby, but the candy is money.

[Jordan Klepper]

Finally, we turn to the shocking retirement of a sports legend.

[Unnamed Sports Reporter]

Well, he has won the Nathan's Hot dog eating contest six times. But Takeru Kobayashi is retiring from Confeder. He says he has health concerns now he needs to tend to. He's 46 years old and says decades of overeating has left him with no appetite or sensation of fullness.

[Jordan Klepper]

Holy shit. This guy can't tell when he's hungry or full. It sounds like his stomach just pulled a Jerry Maguire on him, just grabbed the goldfish, said adios to the kidney, and walked right out. Does not sound like it was worth it.

[Ronny Chieng]

This was absolutely worth it. Okay, Jordan, he got to eat tons of hot dogs, and now he has no appetite. It's like free Ozempic. Okay? Kobayashi's a legend. Not to mention he's Asian. Shout out, Asians.

[Jordan Klepper]

That's right.

[Ronny Chieng]

I've only gotten to use that, like, four times in my life. And shame on you, Jordan, for not supporting the work of one of our greatest Asian athletes.

[Jordan Klepper]

Hey, you are wrong. You're wrong, Ronnie. I fully support his decision to step away from the game. Which brings us to our double down bet of the night. Which Asian that hosts this program will retire next? Brought to you by gambling. Have you lost the ability to experience sensation? Try gambling. See how worse it can get. Well, we are out of time.

[Ronny Chieng]

Well, I'm not retiring.

[Jordan Klepper]

Well, it's too late. The fans have spoken. Ronny. Join us. Next time on Sports War, we'll be debating pickleball. Better with guns.

[Ronny Chieng]

No, no, I do, but you got it when you. What's up, idiots? I'm Roy Chang.

[Michael Costa]

And I'm Michael Costa. This is SportsWar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

[Ronny Chieng]

So if I say I love baguettes.

[Michael Costa]

Then I say you croissants for life. And if I say that the best French New Wave director is Goudard, well.

[Ronny Chieng]

Then I say you. Truffaut's movies were just as revolutionary, but more accessible to a wider audience.

[Michael Costa]

Shut the up, you philistine. Now that the 2024 Paris Olympics are over, you'll probably miss watching women's beach volleyball every in your office, learn how to knock Ronnie. But another highlight was the UTTER Dominance of USA men's basketball.

[Unnamed Sports Reporter]

LeBron James, Kevin Durant and Steph Curry teaming up in a thrilling gold medal game against host country France, winning by 11 points.

[Ronny Chieng]

It's everything I imagined and more. We all signed up for this mission to continue the USA Basketball dominance.

[Michael Costa]

That's right, suck it, France. Pack your bags and go back to wherever it is that you came from. This just proves America is the best at the sports that.

[Ronny Chieng]

Costa, you drooling moron. America should be embarrassed that you only beat France by 11 points. You basically lost. That score should have been 270 to 12. These players shouldn't even be allowed back in the country. Hey, LeBron James, you stay in France and you think about what you just did.

[Michael Costa]

Ronny, Ronny, I swear, putting you on TV feels like a make a wish.

[Jordan Klepper]

All right?

[Michael Costa]

Not only did Steph and LeBron dominate, but they found a way to make it entertaining against a weak opponent. And believe me, it takes real skill to put on a great show, even when you're out there with a smaller, inferior co host.

[Ronny Chieng]

Costa, you're the Tyrese Haliburton of this team, okay? Only 1% of our audience even knows who you are.

[Michael Costa]

Well, you're like the Seine river, just filled with diarrhea. Which brings us to our Costa's big balls bed of the night. Which river will Ronny Chang mysteriously drown in? As always, brought to you by gambling, remember, you're not you when you're not Gam.

[Ronny Chieng]

Moving on to an unexpected Olympic showdown. It was the return of the world's fastest man against the world's fastest virus.

[Unnamed Sports Reporter]

It was supposed to be a golden moment for US Sprinter Noah Lyles.

[Ronny Chieng]

This is where he gets to shut his speed.

[Unnamed Sports Reporter]

But instead, the 27 year old failed to take the lead in the 200 meter event, finishing with a bronze medal. He embraced fellow racers before he knelt to the ground, appearing to struggle for breath. After the race, Lyles revealed he tested positive for Covid two days earlier, but decided to still compete.

[Ronny Chieng]

What an incredible accomplishment for Noah Lyles and an incredible embarrassment for the people who trained every day for four years and lost to a guy with fluid in his lungs. Y'all, why don't you just keep running off the track and run into traffic?

[Jordan Klepper]

Shh.

[Michael Costa]

Ronnie, Ronnie. Like my negative COVID test this morning, you couldn't be more wrong. This was an absolute disaster for the whole world. He won an Olympic medal with COVID and ruin the last valid excuse we all had to miss. Work your shitty Boss is gonna be like, if no lyles can run 200 meters with COVID then you gotta keep teaching these CPR classes.

[Ronny Chieng]

Which brings us to Ronnie's bigger balls bet of the evening. Which disease will Michael Costa get next? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. It will fix everything. Let's move on to the athlete from down under that everyone is talking about and sure to be this year's most popular Halloween. Costa.

[Jordan Klepper]

Australian breaker Ray Gunn went viral for her memorable routine. Rachel Gunn, the B girl from Australia, failed to score a single point during her Olympics competition, going head to head with some of the world's best breakers during the sports Olympic debut.

[Unnamed Sports Reporter]

Her signature moves include the sprinkler and the kangaroo hop. Reagan actually has a PhD in breakdance and was Australia's only woman to. To qualify for the Olympics.

[Ronny Chieng]

Wow.

[Michael Costa]

Thank you, Australia. That was inspirational.

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah. Yep.

[Michael Costa]

She's the Australian breakdancing Jamaica bobsled team of the French Olympics. She was so bad, with so much confidence. Some experts are speculating that she had Ronny Chang syndrome.

[Ronny Chieng]

I hope that Turkish guy shoots you in your stupid right. This was a. This was a terrible moment for the Olympics. For Australia, for descendants of criminals, for. For dancers, for kangaroos, for white people that want to be black. It just shows you the pathetic level of talent in Australia. You fit in perfectly, Costner.

[Michael Costa]

Oh, fit in a country of tall, tan, hot people. Well, when I say good day, mate. Finally, as we say goodbye to the Paris Olympics, let's take a look at the final medal count. Look at that. 126 medals. The United States has clearly won the Olympics. USA all the way. Oh, no. What's that? Singapore's only won one medal. Hey, Ronnie, where did you grow up again?

[Ronny Chieng]

Costa, you're a bigger dick than that French pole voter's actual dick. Right? If you factor in population size, the US actually finished 59th in medals per capita. And by that metric, you know who performed almost 50 times better than the Grenada?

[Michael Costa]

Ronnie, you idiot. It's pronounced Canada. Learn the language. Bringing us to our free Ballin College Fund quadrupler bet of the evening. Which country that Ronnie grew up in will embarrass themselves at the 2028 Olympics. Brought to you by gambling. It's not an addiction if you win.

[Ronny Chieng]

All right, well, we're out of time.

[Michael Costa]

Join us next time on Sportswear. Well, we're gonna debate. If Simone Biles is so good, why isn't she taller?

[Ronny Chieng]

Oh, you're tall and you suck. You guys look like shit. What's up, morons? I'M Ryan Chan.

[Jordan Klepper]

And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is sportswar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

[Ronny Chieng]

So if I say we need stronger helmets and football to prevent concussions, I.

[Jordan Klepper]

Say that we were born with a helmet. It's called a skull.

[Ronny Chieng]

Well, lucky for us, yours is empty. It's October, but one month where practically every league is going at it like some kind of sports gang bang.

[Jordan Klepper]

That's right. There's more balls flying around than that time wore his Daisy Dukes to the office.

[Ronny Chieng]

Well, that's on you for looking.

[Jordan Klepper]

And nowhere is the sports gang paying hotter right now than here in New York. Between the Liberty, the Mets, the Yankees, the Knicks, this city could only be happier if Ronnie announced he was leaving it.

[Ronny Chieng]

Well, if I ever leave, it's because your mom is getting too clingy.

[Jordan Klepper]

Nice one, Ronnie. I hope you get circumcised in your sleep. And while many New York sports fans are celebrating, there's one team showing us that Boeing ain't the only one with imploding. Jets.

[Michael Costa]

Now to breaking news in sports. The jets have fired their head coach, Robert Sala, just five games into the season. A move that comes two days after they just lost in London in disappointing.

[Ronny Chieng]

Fashion, there is rampant speculation that Aaron Rodgers is behind the firing of Salah.

[Jordan Klepper]

J E T S Suck, suck, suck. Oh, man, what a terrible move by the Jets. Coach Saleh wasn't the problem. It's clearly Aaron Rodgers. That's like me firing the camera guy for the stupid shit that comes out of Ronning's mouth.

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah, well, your mouth looks like a fish vagina. And you couldn't be more wrong, okay? Firing Salah is exactly what the jets need for 55 years. They sucked with a coach. Hey, maybe it's time to play without one. Just one season. Raw dogging it without a coach. And hey, maybe the jets will win the Super Bowl.

[Jordan Klepper]

The only thing getting raw dogged is your brain. You can't let a bunch of NFL players coach themselves. They need Google maps just to get out of the huddle. But we all know there's only one, maybe two people crazy enough to take a job coaching the Jets. Which brings us to our Jordan Klepper. Locked and loaded, triple VIP better than I. Which Menendez brother will be the next coach of the Jets? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. If you think you have a problem, stop.

[Ronny Chieng]

Moving on from an upset man to the upset of the year.

[Unnamed Sports Reporter]

Next, a once in a lifetime upset in college football. Vanderbilt beat number one Alabama on Saturday. 40 to 35 Vanderbilt students were so excited, they tore down one of the goal posts and carried it a couple miles into downtown Nashville. Then they tossed it into the Cumberland River.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, okay, okay. Rein it in, you private school nerds. Winning it, exciting. But show a little class. You don't gloat in front of the other team's fans. You bully them online like a normal person.

[Ronny Chieng]

Okay, Jordan, I know you're not used to winning, but this is what it looks like, okay? You're just mad they threw the goalposts in the river because you empathize with long, skinny, useless things. Which brings us to our Rodney Chang Sherwin vvip. Better than night. Which river will we dump Jordan in after tonight's show? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling your wife can't leave you if you win.

[Jordan Klepper]

And finally, moving on to a more somber story as we honor the passing of one of America's greatest heroes. Pete Rose, Major League Baseball's all time hits leader, who was famously banned from the sport for gambling, has died.

[Unnamed Sports Reporter]

Rose was famously banned from the Baseball hall of Fame for gambling allegations. He denied those allegations for years before eventually admitting that he did bet on baseball, both as a player and as a manager.

[Ronny Chieng]

All while he lobbied to be considered.

[Jordan Klepper]

For the hall of Fame, his lifelong wish, never granted. Now, I don't want to discount what Jackie Robinson did, but what Pete Rose accomplished was a billion times more important. He's a legend in two of America's pastimes. Gambling as a player and gambling as a coach. Pete Rose definitely belongs in the Baseball hall of Fame.

[Ronny Chieng]

Okay, Jordan, have you been hit in your oblong head by another pitch? Okay, Pete Rose doesn't belong in the Baseball hall of Fame. A hero like him belongs in every hall of Fame. Baseball, basketball, rock and roll, hip hop, automotive, Arby's. Put his name on a Vietnam memorial everywhere. Yo, they should hang his bookie's phone number from the rafters.

[Jordan Klepper]

Boy, Ronny, I really wish God took you instead of Pete Rose. Which brings us to my Jordan's Champagne Room. Boom bat of what will Pete Rose gamble on first in heaven, as always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. When it stops being fun is when it gets good.

[Ronny Chieng]

All right, and that's all the stories this week. Join us next time on sportswalk.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah, we'll debate if it counts as cheating on your wife if you do it with a tackling dummy.

[Ronny Chieng]

Well, obviously not.

[Jordan Klepper]

Wait, do we agree on this one?

[Ronny Chieng]

Wait, no, I. We can agree with you.