TDS Time Machine | Sports War - Pt. 1

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Daily Show – Ears Edition

Episode Title: TDS Time Machine | Sports War – Pt. 1
Release Date: May 27, 2026
Host(s): Jon Stewart, The Daily Show News Team (focus on Ronny Chieng, Jordan Klepper, Michael Costa, Desi Lydic)
Theme: A fast-paced, comedic, debate-style roundtable dissecting the week’s biggest sports stories, with satirical riffs on sports culture, gender, gambling, politics, and more.

---

Episode Overview

“Sports War – Pt. 1” is a riotous, satirical journey through a chaotic calendar year in sports, hosted primarily by Ronny Chieng and Jordan Klepper (with frequent tag-team partners Michael Costa and Desi Lydic). The hosts go head-to-head on the hottest sports news—from Caitlin Clark’s WNBA debut to Olympic mishaps and political undercurrents in athletics—celebrating and skewering the absurdities of sports, celebrity, and American culture. The tone is relentlessly irreverent, heavy on comic insults, fake betting advice, and absurd hypotheticals.

---

Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Caitlin Clark’s WNBA Debut and the “Sports War” Format

• (00:54-02:24)
  • Ronny Chieng and Jordan Klepper establish their “can’t agree” format, setting up a comedic “debate” about Caitlin Clark's much-hyped WNBA debut:
    • Clark scores 20 points but racks up 10 turnovers in a loss.
    • Ronny: “Sorry, feminists. Ten turnovers and the team lost by 20 points in her first game. I've seen enough, man. I think Caitlin Clark is the worst basketball player in history. She’s tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when it mattered. She's the Jordan Klepper of the WNBA.” (01:39)
    • Klepper fires back, joking that by scoring four more points than Michael Jordan did in his rookie debut, Clark is “mathematically stronger, faster, and better equipped to open a steakhouse.” (01:56)

2. Olympics Paris 2024 & E. Coli Outbreaks

• (02:24-04:13)
  • The problematic state of the River Seine is highlighted—high E. coli levels threaten the Olympic swimming events.
  • Klepper: “These athletes are going to pick up a disease at the Olympics. It should be the old fashioned way. Unprotected sex in the Olympic village.” (03:01)
  • Ronny: “If you're a world class athlete, prove it by pole vaulting with active diarrhea.” (03:14)
  • Segment ends with mock betting: “Which country will get the most E. Coli in the Olympics?” (03:41)

3. Harrison Butker’s Commencement Speech

• (04:20-05:44)
  • Chiefs kicker Butker makes controversial remarks at a graduation, promoting traditional gender roles and masculinity.
  • Ronny: “I'm glad he's speaking up for emasculated men like Jordan. Congratulations, Jordan. For the first time in your life, someone on the football team is speaking to you.” (04:49)
  • The segment lampoons “culture war” commentary in sports and sets up a bet: “Which useless position player will be next to wade into the culture war?” (05:31)

4. Shohei Ohtani and the Interpreter Scandal

• (05:44-06:47)
  • Ohtani’s interpreter pleads guilty to stealing $17M to fund gambling debts.
  • Ronny: “Interpreters should be outlawed. If you don’t know the language, you should just have to guess.” (06:08)
  • Jordan: “The problem isn’t interpreters. It’s languages. We should only have one. I suggest English.” (06:17)
  • Mock bet: “Is America’s normalization of gambling corroding society?” (06:47)

5. Caitlin Clark and WNBA “Bullying”

• (08:06-09:58)
  • The “shove heard round the world”—Caitlin Clark gets checked hard by an opponent, raising sexism and sportsmanship debates.
    • Klepper jokes defending Clark; Ronny mocks WNBA physicality, quipping “the WNBA needs to get harder … just because you don’t have a penis doesn’t mean you can’t get hard.” (08:51)
    • Bet: “What’s the source of Ronny Chang’s crippling inferiority complex?” (09:28)

6. Bronny James in the NBA Draft

• (10:04-11:36)
  • Ronny argues Bronny James should avoid NBA pressure; Klepper’s contrarian take asserts all children of famous dads succeed: “Don Jr., RFK Jr., Carl’s Jr.—all great men.” (10:43)
  • Bet: “Who will be a bigger disappointment to their father: Bronny or Jordan Klepper?” (11:18)

7. Retirement of Hot Dog-Eating Legend Takeru Kobayashi

• (11:36-12:39)
  • Discussion of the toll of competitive eating.
  • Ronny: “He got to eat tons of hot dogs and now he has no appetite. It’s like free Ozempic. Kobayashi’s a legend. Shout out, Asians.” (12:15)
  • Mock bet: “Which Asian that hosts this program will retire next?” (12:39)

8. Olympics Recap and Medal Count

• (13:36-19:03)
  • Focus on Team USA’s basketball “dominance,” Olympic upsets, and medal tables.
  • Ronny: “America should be embarrassed you only beat France by 11 points … Hey, LeBron James, you stay in France and think about what you just did.” (14:17)
  • Medal count ribbing: “If you factor in population size, the US finished 59th per capita. Grenada did almost 50 times better.” (18:27)

9. NFL Coaching Chaos & Jets Fire Robert Saleh

• (19:26-21:37)
  • Jets fire their coach, and hosts debate team leadership—Klepper: “That’s like me firing the camera guy for the stupid shit that comes out of Ronny’s mouth.” (20:34)
  • Running “lock of the night” gambling gags, e.g., “Which Menendez brother will be the next coach of the Jets?” (21:05)

10. Vanderbilt’s College Football Upset

• (21:41-22:38)
  • Vanderbilt upsets Alabama; celebration chaos.
  • Ronny: “You’re just mad they threw the goal posts in the river because you empathize with long, skinny, useless things.” (22:14)

11. Pete Rose Dies – Legacy, Gambling & The Hall of Fame

• (22:42-24:17)
  • Pete Rose’s career and ban for gambling; discussion on his legacy.
  • Ronny: “A hero like him belongs in every hall of fame. Baseball, basketball, rock and roll, Arby’s. Put his name on a Vietnam memorial. Hang his bookie’s phone number from the rafters.” (23:33)
  • Klepper: “I really wish God took you instead of Pete Rose.” (23:56)

12. Missouri Legalizes Sports Betting & Political Betting

• (25:12-28:39)
  • Desi Lydic joins: “It used to be that the only way women could gamble in Missouri was with a high-risk pregnancy. But this is great news for public schools. Congratulations to all the kids at FanDuel Elementary.” (25:51)
  • Klepper: “As the owner of a riverboat casino near Kansas City, this will destroy my bottom line. Some very bad people are not going to be happy. Bye-bye thumbs.” (26:06)
  • Discussion of 2028 election gambling odds—Aaron Rodgers as a possible president.

13. Running, Marathon Cheating & Influence Culture

• (28:39-30:26)
  • Fitness influencer banned from NYC Marathon for filming content.
  • Desi: “The whole point of exercising is to rub it in everyone’s face.” (29:09)
  • Klepper launches into an absurd personal story about being nicknamed “Giraffe Penis.” (29:31)

14. College Football Rivalries and Brawls

• (32:21-33:48)
  • Big Ten fines after brawl in Michigan-Ohio State game.
  • Klepper: “As my grandfather used to say, if there’s grass on the field, play ball…just realized that’s not what he was talking about.” (32:42)
  • Ronny: “Reckless fighting should only happen during the game. That’s the violence I’m gambling on.” (32:53)

15. Politics Invade Sports: Trump Dance Craze

• (33:57-35:43)
  • Trump’s “double fist pump” dance invades sports celebrations.
  • Klepper: “We need more politics in sports—NHL goalies should be senators, and the Slam Dunk contest should be all Supreme Court justices.” (35:25)

16. Hallmark x NFL Movie Parody

• (36:10-37:37)
  • Mock outrage over the Hallmark holiday movie starring Chiefs players.
  • Ronny: “Imagine Gronk in 12 Years a Slave … never too soon for a reboot.” (36:45)
  • Bet: “Which elderly lesbian could kick Jordan Klepper’s ass?” (37:22)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Ronny Chieng: “Sorry, feminists. Ten turnovers and the team lost by 20 points in her first game. I think Caitlin Clark is the worst basketball player in history.” (01:39)
• Jordan Klepper: “She scored 20 points. That's four more than Michael Jordan had in his rookie debut … making her stronger, faster, and better equipped to open a steakhouse than Michael Jordan.” (01:56)
• Ronny Chieng: “We need more E. Coli at the Olympics. Prove you’re world class by pole vaulting with active diarrhea.” (03:14)
• Klepper: “These athletes are going to pick up a disease at the Olympics. It should be the old fashioned way—unprotected sex in the Olympic Village.” (03:01)
• Ronny Chieng: “Caitlin Clark … she's the Jordan Klepper of the WNBA.” (01:39)
• Desi Lydic: “Congratulations to all the kids at FanDuel Elementary.” (25:51)
• Ronny Chieng: “A hero like him belongs in every hall of fame. Baseball, basketball, rock and roll, hip hop, Automotive, Arby’s.” (23:33)
• Jordan Klepper: “We need more politics in sports. Liberal athletes can do this too. You score a touchdown and then you hit that Joe Biden.” (34:46)
• Klepper: “Imagine an NBA game ending and then boom, LeBron and Kevin Durant start competitive losing. More sports equals less time with my family.” (33:08)
• Jordan Klepper: “As the owner of a riverboat casino near Kansas City, this is really gonna destroy my bottom line. Some very bad people are not going to be happy. Bye-bye thumbs.” (26:06)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Caitlin Clark’s WNBA debut: 00:54–02:24
• Olympics/E. Coli segment: 02:24–04:13
• Harrison Butker/kicker controversy: 04:20–05:44
• Ohtani interpreter scandal/gambling: 05:44–06:47
• Clark "shove heard round the world": 08:06–09:58
• Bronny James NBA debate: 10:04–11:36
• Kobayashi retirement: 11:36–12:39
• Paris Olympics recap: 13:36–19:03
• Jets firing/Robert Saleh: 19:26–21:37
• Vanderbilt upsets Alabama: 21:41–22:38
• Pete Rose legacy: 22:42–24:17
• Missouri legalizes sports betting: 25:12–28:39
• Marathon influencer debate: 28:39–30:26
• Michigan-OSU brawl: 32:21–33:48
• Trump dance & politics in sports: 33:57–35:43
• Hallmark x NFL movie parody: 36:10–37:37

---

Style & Tone

• Raucous, biting, and relentlessly sarcastic: Arguments rooted in comic exaggeration, roasting each other with personalized insults and topical jokes.
• Fake “bets” and gambling promos lampoon the commercialization and normalization of gambling in sports.
• Topical, rapid-fire pacing – hosts bounce between headlines, with segments rarely exceeding 3–4 minutes.
• Recurring comedic themes: Male insecurity, American bravado, pointless sports rivalries, and the absurd overlap of sports and politics.
• Frequent callbacks to audience and personal anecdotes, both real and absurdly fabricated.

---

For Listeners

If you missed this episode, you’ll walk away with a satirically warped snapshot of contemporary sports culture, the controversies it spawns, and how American society processes (and monetizes) even the most bizarre athletics news. The hosts’ fake wagers, personal jabs, and performative disagreements keep the energy high and the laughs coming, while also landing clever hits on politics, gender, and gambling culture.

For fans of The Daily Show’s brand of news satire, this episode is a relentless, quotable highlight reel of sports, skewed through the lens of comedians who refuse to let any topic rest unroasted.

Transcript

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. You chose to hit play on this podcast today. Smart choice. Make another smart choice with Auto Quote Explorer to compare rates from multiple car insurance companies all at once. Try it at progressive.com, progressive Casualty Insurance and affiliates not available in all states and situations. Prices may vary on how you buy.

[Michael Costa]

You're listening to Comedy Central. Get ready for battle. It's time for Sports War, brought to you by Gambling. Gambling. It's literally free money.

[Ronny Chieng]

What's up, scrubs? I'm Ronny Chan.

[Jordan Klepper]

And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is sportswar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

[Ronny Chieng]

That's right. I mean, that's wrong.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah. No, you're wrong. Let's get right to the biggest story of the night. Caitlin Clark made her pro debut and learned everything gets a little less fun after college.

[Narrator/Reporter]

Welcome to the WNBA. Caitlin Clark, the NCAA's all time Division 1 scoring leader, made her professional debut on the road with the Indiana Fever last night. She got off to a slow start though, missing her first four shots before scoring on a layup midway through the second quarter. Clark finished with 20 points in 92:71 loss to the Connecticut Sun. She also committed 10 turnovers.

[Ronny Chieng]

Sorry, feminists. Ten turnovers and the team lost by 20 points in her first game. I've seen enough, man. I think Caitlin Clark is the worst basketball player in history. She's tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when it mattered. She's the Jordan Klepper of the wnba.

[Jordan Klepper]

Whoa, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie. I'm gonna hit you with my car and leave the scene. Let's look at the stats here, Ronny. Look at these things. She scored 20 points. That's four more than Michael Jordan had in his rookie debut, which mathematically makes her stronger, faster, and better equipped to open a steakhouse than Michael Jordan.

[Ronny Chieng]

I have a stat right here for you. Okay, look at this. Jordan Klepper didn't lose his virginity until he was 38. Man, you're the goat of whatever that is.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, you know what? Here's your stat right here. Eat shit. Okay, moving on. We are officially 72 days away from the Olympics in Paris, and the organizers are finding themselves in deep duty. Literally.

[Narrator/Reporter]

There's a huge effort to get the River Sen fit for use in the Olympic Games. A report from earlier this month said the bacteria, including pollution of fecal origin, was far higher than the river permitted. Experts say that even a rainstorm could raise E. Coli to an unacceptable level. And Olympic organizers still hope that the river seine can be used for the swimming events.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, the river seine is filled with E. Coli. That is gross. These athletes are going to pick up a disease at the Olympics. It should be the old fashioned way. Unprotected sex in the Olympic village. Only way to do it. The only way to do it.

[Ronny Chieng]

As usual, Jordan, I think the Olympics needs more E. Coli. Okay. Because if you're a world class athlete, then prove it by pole vaulting with active diarrhea.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, you love. You love. You love E. Coli. I love ecology. You love it. The last time I came to your house for a barbecue, you were sprinkling E. Coli on chicken kebabs. Like salt, bae, you know?

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah.

[Jordan Klepper]

Your hospitality was for the birds, Roddy. The birds. Two stars. I was puk.

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah, well, I puke from just looking at your oblong face.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oblong face. Is that right? Is that how you say it? The point is, just like the 4th of July at Ronnie's house, the Olympics are gonna be rife with E. Coli. Which brings us to Jay Clep's bet of the week, where you can pick which country will get the most E. Coli in the 2024 Olympics, brought to you by gambling. Gambling? Start spending. You've already won.

[Ronny Chieng]

And don't forget to claim your 20% bonus boost by entering the promo code. Kleppersucks all caps.

[Jordan Klepper]

I don't like that. I told you I don't like that comment.

[Ronny Chieng]

It's not you, okay? It' different class.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, that's fine then. That's okay.

[Ronny Chieng]

No, just kidding. It's you because you suck.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay? I suck. I suck, you blow. Who cares? We're all dead inside. Get over it. Let's talk about sports.

[Ronny Chieng]

All right. Speaking of sports, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs is in hot water after making the biggest mistake any football player could make. Talking.

[Narrator/Reporter]

Some Chiefs fans are feeling stunned this morning by the comments made by kicker Harrison Butler during the commencement speech at Benedictine in Atchison. Butler claimed that a woman's most important role is that of a homemaker and

[Jordan Klepper]

demanded that men be more masculine, unapologetic in your masculinity, fighting against the cultural emasculation of men.

[Ronny Chieng]

Hey, I say we should listen to this kicker. Okay? Yeah. They're the football players with the least amount of brain damage. And I'm glad he's speaking up for emasculated men like Jordan. Congratulations, Jordan. For the first time in your life, someone on the football team is speaking to you. You don't have to wear that Fake varsity jacket anymore.

[Jordan Klepper]

You, Ronny, I told you that in confidence. Moving to a new school is difficult. It was a natural way to make friends. Any. This kicker thing. This kicker thing raises a larger problem. Why do we have people kicking in American sports? Americans handle balls with our hands. Like Ronnie's mom. You know that's wrong.

[Ronny Chieng]

Jordan. You know my entire family has a foot fetish.

[Jordan Klepper]

True.

[Ronny Chieng]

Which brings us to our Bet everything wager of the evening. Which useless position player will be the next to wade into the culture war? As always brought to you by gambling. Gambling. It will fix everything.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, speaking of gamb, on to our final story. Prosecutors in Los Angeles say Shohei Ohtani's

[Michael Costa]

former interpreter has agreed to plead guilty to stealing almost $17 million from the LA Dodgers superstar.

[Jordan Klepper]

The U.S. attorney's office say Ippei Mizuara used the money to pay off gambling

[Michael Costa]

debts and other personal expenses without Ohtani's knowledge.

[Ronny Chieng]

This interpreter stole $17 million from Ohtani. That settles it. Interpreters should be outlawed. Okay, if you don't know the language, you should just have to guess.

[Jordan Klepper]

Hard disagree. Hard disagree. Ronnie, the problem isn't interpreters. It's languages. We should only have one. I suggest English.

[Ronny Chieng]

Oh. Oh, big surprise. Of course. This is just English. That's the only language a tiny brain can handle. The biggest head, the smallest brain.

[Jordan Klepper]

English. English is gonna be the dominant global language for at least five more years. Look, I'm speaking the major league language here. Why would I go back to AAA and learn Finnish?

[Ronny Chieng]

Oh, what? Finnish? That's not even a real language, you dumbass.

[Jordan Klepper]

It is. It's what they speak in Canada. Ronnie, read a book. All right, do it on your own time, because we are on to the big bet of the night. Is this Ohtani story yet another sign that America's normalization of gambling is corroding society? Brought to you by gambling. Remember Gambling Bet now. Live forever. Well, we're out of time. Join us next. Next time on Sportswar, we'll be debating Michael Jordan versus Caitlin Clark. Who's more likely to contract E. Coli.

[Ronny Chieng]

Good night, America. Gambling.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, now, here are my three favorite languages that I am never going to learn how to speak. I'm not going to learn daily. Definitely got to learn. Totally.

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home in auto policies. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary not available in all states.

[Ronny Chieng]

What's up, morons? I'm Ronny Chang.

[Jordan Klepper]

And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is sportswar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. For example, if I say Ronny Chieng

[Ronny Chieng]

doesn't suck, well, then I have to disagree with you on that, Jordan. Everybody knows I'm a bad son and a selfish lover.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yes, you left out that you're also rude to workers. Let's start with the biggest story in sports. The shove heard round the world.

[Narrator/Reporter]

This physical moment involving the WNBA's most high profile rookie raising questions. Chicago's Kennedy Carter. Shoulder checking the fevers. Caitlin Clark knocking her to the ground.

[Jordan Klepper]

Throw the flag, send her to the hay. Come on. Caitlin Clark is clearly getting bullied up. Sick of it. You can't just push people in sports. Unless it's football, hockey, dude, basketball, the Little League World Series, or being drunk dad at the Little League World Series.

[Ronny Chieng]

Well, I hope one of those dads shoves you into traffic, Jordan, because you couldn't be more wrong. As a lifelong WNBA fan, since Caitlin Clark joined the league a few weeks ago, I can say with absolute certainty that that shove was barely a foul. Hey, the WNBA needs to get harder if they their target demographic to keep watching. Okay, you hear that, wnba? Just because you don't have a penis doesn't mean you can't get hard. Just ask Jordan.

[Jordan Klepper]

Are you saying my penis is soft or non existent?

[Ronny Chieng]

Whichever hurts your feelings more.

[Jordan Klepper]

Joke's on you, Ronnie. I'm dead inside. Look, I relate to Caitlin Clark, a superstar at the top of her game surrounded by jealous peers. Caitlin, I see you. I am you. And we're not going to let bottom feeders like Ronny Chieng push us around. Which brings us to tonight's Jay Klep's can't lose bet of the week. What's the source of Roddy Chang's crippling inferiority complex? Brought to you by Gamblaine. Gambling. You can only lose if you stop.

[Ronny Chieng]

Okay, moving on from the greatest women's basketball player to the greatest men's basketball player's son.

[Desi Lightning]

Bronny James, the son of NBA superstar

[Narrator/Reporter]

LeBron James, will remain in the NBA draft.

[Desi Lightning]

His agent confirmed his decision today.

[Narrator/Reporter]

James will forego his college eligibility after playing one season with USC. LeBron and Bronny James could be the

[Desi Lightning]

first father and son duo to play at the same time in the NBA.

[Ronny Chieng]

He's projected to be a second round pick primarily because his father is LeBron James. Yo, Brony. Should not enter the NBA at all. Okay? There's zero chance he can live up to the legacy of his father. Go do something else. Like being a tall dentist or a tall architect or a medium sized world's tallest man. Quit while you're not ahead.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, yeah, that's good advice, Ronny. You should take it. Of course Bronny should join the NBA. The children of great people are always great themselves. Don Jr. RFK Jr. Carl's Jr. All great men. The only pressure here is on LeBron. If his sperm can't produce a 12 time NBA all star who reinvigorates the Space Jam franchise. LeBron is overrated.

[Ronny Chieng]

Overrated. That's just what your mom said to me last night.

[Jordan Klepper]

So you made. You made love to my mother? Poorly.

[Ronny Chieng]

Like I said, Jordan, I'm a selfish lover. Which brings us to Ronnie's slam dunk bet of the night. Who will be a greater disappointment to their father? Bronny James or Jordan Klepper? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling is like taking candy from a baby. But the candy is money.

[Jordan Klepper]

Finally, we turn to the shocking retirement of a sports legend.

[Narrator/Reporter]

Well, he has won the Nathan's hot dog eating contest six times. But Takeru Kobayashi is retiring from competitive eating. He says he has health concerns now he needs to tend to. He's 46 years old and says decades of overeating has left him with no appetite or sensation of fullness.

[Jordan Klepper]

Holy shit. This guy can't tell when he's hungry or full. It sounds like his stomach just pulled a Jerry Maguire on him, just grabbed the goldfish, said adios to the kidney and walked right out. Does not sound like it was worth it.

[Ronny Chieng]

This was absolutely worth it. Okay, Jordan, he got to eat tons of hot dogs and now he has no appetite. It's like free Ozempic. Okay? Kobayashi's a legend. Not to mention he's Asian. Shout out, Asians. That's right. I've only gotten to use that like four times in my life. And shame on you, Jordan, for not supporting the work of one of our greatest Asian athletes.

[Jordan Klepper]

Hey, hey. You are wrong. You're wrong, Ronning. I fully support his decision to step away from the game. Which brings us to our double down bet of the night. Which Asian that hosts this program will retire next? Brought to you by gambling. Have you lost the ability to excuse experience sensation? Try gambling. See how worse it can get. Well, we are out of time.

[Ronny Chieng]

Well, I'm not retired.

[Jordan Klepper]

Well, it's too late. The fans have spoken. Roddy, join us next time On Sports War, we'll be debating pickleball. Better with guns.

[Ronny Chieng]

No, no. I do when you want. What's up, idiots? I'm Roy Chang.

[Michael Costa]

And I'm Michael Costa. This is SportsWar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

[Ronny Chieng]

So if I say I love baguettes,

[Michael Costa]

then I say you croissants for life. And if I say that the best French New Wave director is Godard, well,

[Ronny Chieng]

then I say you. Truffaut's movies were just as revolutionary, but more accessible to a wider audience.

[Michael Costa]

Shut the up, you philistine. Now that the 2024 Paris Olympics are over, you'll probably miss watching women's beach volleyball every day in your office. Learn how to knock, Ronnie. But another highlight was the UTTER Dominance of USA men's basketball.

[Desi Lightning]

LeBron James, Kevin Durant and Steph Curry

[Narrator/Reporter]

teaming up in a thrilling gold medal game against host country France, winning by 11 points.

[Ronny Chieng]

It's everything I imagined and more. We all signed up for this mission to continue the USA Basketball dominance.

[Michael Costa]

That's right, suck it, France. Pack your bags and go back to wherever it is that you came from. This just proves America is the best at the sports that we invented.

[Ronny Chieng]

Casa, you drooling moron. America should be embarrassed that you only beat France by 11 points. You basically lost. That score should have been 270 to 12. These players shouldn't even be allowed back in the country. Hey, LeBron James, you stay in France and you think about what you just did.

[Michael Costa]

Ronny, Ronny, I swear, putting you on TV feels like a. Make a wish.

[Jordan Klepper]

All right.

[Michael Costa]

Not only did Steph and LeBron dominate, but they found a way to make it entertaining against a weak opponent. And believe me, it takes real skill to put on a great show, even when you're with a smaller, inferior.

[Ronny Chieng]

Co host Costa, you're the Tyrese Haliburton of this team, okay? Only 1% of our audience even knows who you are.

[Michael Costa]

Well, you're like the Seine river, just filled with diarrhea. Which brings us to our Acosta's big balls bed of the night. Which river will Ronny Chieng mysteriously drown in? As always, brought to you by gambling. Remember, you're not you when you're not gambling.

[Ronny Chieng]

Moving on to an unexpected Olympic showdown. It was the return of the world's fastest man against the world's fastest virus.

[Narrator/Reporter]

It was supposed to be a golden moment for US sprinter Noah Lyles.

[Michael Costa]

This is where he gets to show his speed.

[Narrator/Reporter]

But instead, the 27 year old failed to take the lead. In the 200 meter event, finishing with a bronze medal. He embraced fellow racers before he knelt to the ground, appearing to struggle for Brett. After the race, Lyles revealed he tested positive for Covid two days earlier, but decided to still compete.

[Ronny Chieng]

What an incredible accomplishment for Noah Lyles and an incredible embarrassment for the people who trained every day for four years and lost to a guy with fluid in his lungs. Yo, why don't you just keep running off the track and running into traffic?

[Michael Costa]

Shh. Ronnie.

[Jordan Klepper]

Ronnie.

[Michael Costa]

Like my negative COVID test this morning. You couldn't be more wrong. This was an absolute disaster for the whole world. He won an Olympic medal with COVID and ruined the last valid excuse we all had to miss work. Your shitty boss is gonna be like, if no lyles can run 200 meters with COVID then you gotta keep teaching these CPR classes.

[Ronny Chieng]

Which brings us to Ronnie's bigger balls bet of the evening. Which disease will Michael Costa get next? Brought to you by gambling.

[Jordan Klepper]

Gambling.

[Ronny Chieng]

It will fix everything. Let's move on to the athlete from down under that everyone is talking about. And sure to be this year's most popular Halloween costume.

[Jordan Klepper]

Australian breaker Ray Gunn went viral for her memorable routine. Rachel Gunn, the BE girl from Australia, failed to score a single point during her Olympics competition, going head to head with some of the world's best breakers during the sports Olympic debut.

[Narrator/Reporter]

Her signature moves include the sprinkler and the kangaroo hop. Reagan actually has a PhD in breakdance and was Australia only woman to qualify for the Olympics.

[Ronny Chieng]

Wow.

[Michael Costa]

Thank you, Australia. That was inspirational.

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yep.

[Michael Costa]

She's the Australian breakdancing Jamaica bobsled team of the French Olympics. She was so bad with so much confidence. Some experts are speculating that she had Ronny Chang syndrome.

[Ronny Chieng]

I hope that Turkish guy shoots you in your stupid right. This was a. This was a terrible moment for the Olympics. For Australia, for descendants of criminals, for. For dancers, for kangaroos, for white people that want to be black. It just shows you the pathetic level of talent in Australia. You fit in perfectly, Carson.

[Michael Costa]

Oh, fit in a country of tall, tan, hot people. Well, when I say good day, mate. Finally, as we say goodbye to the Paris Olympics, let's take a look at the final medal count.

[Ronny Chieng]

Woo.

[Michael Costa]

Look at that. 126 medals. The United States has clearly won the Olympics. USA all the way.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, no.

[Michael Costa]

What's that? Singapore's only won one medal. Hey, Ronnie, where did you grow up again?

[Ronny Chieng]

Consta, you're a bigger dick than that French pole voter's actual dick. Right? If you factor in population size. The US actually finished 59th in in medals per capita. And by that metric, you know who performed almost 50 times better than the US? Grenada.

[Michael Costa]

Ronnie, you idiot. It's pronounced Canada. Learn the language. Bringing us to our free ball and college fund quadrupler bet of the evening. Which country that Ronnie grew up in will embarrass themselves at the 2028 Olympics. Brought to you by gambling. It's not an addiction if you win.

[Ronny Chieng]

All right, well, we're out of time.

[Michael Costa]

Join us next time on Sportswear, where we're going to debate if Simone Bile, why isn't she taller?

[Ronny Chieng]

Oh, you're tall and you suck.

[Jordan Klepper]

So what's your point? I look like shit.

[Ronny Chieng]

What's up, morons? I'm Ryan Chan.

[Jordan Klepper]

And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is sportswar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

[Ronny Chieng]

So if I say we need stronger helmets in football to prevent concussions, I

[Jordan Klepper]

say that we were bored with a helmet. It's called a skull.

[Ronny Chieng]

Well, lucky for us, yours is empty. It's October. One month where practically every league is going at it like some kind of sports gang bang.

[Jordan Klepper]

That's right. There's more balls flying around than that time Ronnie wore his Daisy Dukes to the office.

[Ronny Chieng]

Well, that's on you for looking.

[Jordan Klepper]

And nowhere is the sports gang paying hotter right now than here in New York. Between the Liberty, the Mets, the Yankees, the Knicks, this city could only be happier if Ronnie announced he was leaving it.

[Ronny Chieng]

Well, if I ever leave, it's because your mom is getting too clingy.

[Jordan Klepper]

Nice one, Ronnie. I hope you get circumcised in your sleep. And while many New York sports fans are celebrating, there's one team showing us that Boeing ain't the only one with imploding Jets.

[Michael Costa]

Now to breaking news in sports. The jets have fired their head coach, Robert Sala, just five games into the season, a move that comes two days after they just lost in London in disappointing fashion.

[Ronny Chieng]

There is rampant speculation that Aaron Rodgers is behind the firing of Salah.

[Jordan Klepper]

J E T S Suck, suck, suck. Oh, man, what a terrible move by the Jets. Coach Salah wasn't the problem. It's clearly Aaron Rodgers. That's like me firing the camera guy for the stupid shit that comes out of Ronning's mouth.

[Ronny Chieng]

Yeah, well, your mouth looks like a fish vagina. And you couldn't be more wrong, okay? Firing Salah is exactly what the jets need. For 55 years, they sucked with a coach. Hey, maybe it's time to play without one Just one season raw dogging it without a coach. And hey, maybe the jets will win the Super Bowl.

[Jordan Klepper]

The only thing getting raw dogged is your brain. You can't let a bunch of NFL players coach themselves. They need Google Maps just to get out of the huddle. But we all know there's only one, maybe two people crazy enough to take a job coaching the Jets. Which brings us to our Jordan Klepper. Locked and loaded, triple vip better than I. Which Menendez brother will be the next coach of the Jets? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. If you think you have a problem, stop thinking.

[Ronny Chieng]

Moving on from an upset man to the upset of the year.

[Narrator/Reporter]

Next. A once in a lifetime upset in college football. Vanderbilt beat number one Alabama on Saturday, 40 to 35. Vanderbilt students were so excited, they tore down one of the goal posts and carried it a couple miles into downtown Nashville.

[Desi Lightning]

Then they tossed it into the Cumberland River.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, okay, okay. Rein it in, you private school nerds. Winning is exciting, but show a little class. You don't gloat in front of the other team's fans. You bully them online like a normal person.

[Ronny Chieng]

Okay, Jordan, I know you're not used to winning, but this is what it looks like, okay? You're just mad they threw the goalposts in the river because you empathize with long, skinny, useless things. Which brings us to our Rodney Chang show. Win vvip better than night. Which river will we dump Jordan in after tonight's show? As always, brought to you by gambling.

[Jordan Klepper]

Gambling

[Ronny Chieng]

your wife can't leave you if you win.

[Jordan Klepper]

And finally, moving on to a more somber story as we honor the passing of one of America's greatest heroes.

[Michael Costa]

Pete Rose, Major League Baseball's all time hits leader, who was famously banned from the sport for gambling, has died.

[Narrator/Reporter]

Rose was famously banned from the Baseball

[Desi Lightning]

hall of Fame for gambling allegations. He denied those allegations for years before eventually admitting that he did bet on baseball, both as a player and as a manager.

[Jordan Klepper]

All while he lobbied to be considered for the hall of Fame. His lifelong wish, never granted. Now, I don't want to discount what Jackie Robinson did, but what Pete Rose accomplished was a billion times more important. He's a legend in two of America's pastimes, gambling as a player and gambling as a coach. Pete Rose definitely belongs in the Baseball hall of Fame.

[Ronny Chieng]

Jordan, have you been hit in your oblong head by another pitch? Pete Rose doesn't belong in the Baseball hall of Fame. A hero like him belongs in every hall of Fame. Baseball, basketball, rock and roll, hip hop, Automotive Arby's put his name on a Vietnam memorial everywhere. Yo, they should hang his bookie's phone number from the rafters.

[Jordan Klepper]

Boy, Ronny, I really wish God took you instead of Pete Rose. Which brings us to my Jordan's Champagne room. Boom. Bat of the night. What will Pete Rose gamble on? First in heaven. As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. When it stops being fun is when it gets

[Ronny Chieng]

all right. And that's all the stories this week. Join us next time on Sportswar.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah, we'll debate if it counts as cheating on your wife if you do it with a tackling dummy.

[Ronny Chieng]

Well, obviously not.

[Jordan Klepper]

Wait, do we agree on this one?

[Ronny Chieng]

Wait, no. I.

[Jordan Klepper]

We can. I would say, I think if you're. What's up, morons? I'm Jordan Klepper.

[Desi Lightning]

And I'm Jesse Lighting. This is Sportswar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

[Jordan Klepper]

So if I say Travis Kelce is the sexiest man in sports, I say, no, thanks.

[Desi Lightning]

Mr. Met can still get it.

[Jordan Klepper]

I weep for your children. This is a special post election episode of Sportswar. It's a historic day for America. Desi has broken the glass ceiling and become the first female co host of sportswear.

[Desi Lightning]

Thanks, Jordan. This completely makes up for Kamala not winning. Instead, I get the thrill of arguing about sports with an asexual balloon animal. Let's start with the biggest issue for women on the ballot in Missouri. A woman's right to choose which team she bets on.

[Narrator/Reporter]

Just in. Voters have approved A Missouri Amendment 2 legalizing sports betting. The yes votes won by just 0.3%. Missouri is the largest state to allow gambling on major sporting events. There will be a 10% sports betting tax rate. That money will then go to Compulsive Gamblers Prevention Fund and also Missouri schools.

[Desi Lightning]

Wow. It used to be that the only way women could gamble in Missouri was with a high risk pregnancy. But this is great news for Missouri's underfunded public schools. Congratulations to all the kids at Fanduel Elementary.

[Jordan Klepper]

Desi, Desi, Desi, Your take is as lame as that blonde look. Missouri does not deserve the majesty of legalized sports gambling. As the owner of a riverboat casino near Kansas City. This is really gonna destroy my bottom line. Some very bad people are not going to be happy. Bye. Bye. Thumbs.

[Desi Lightning]

That brings us to my ring. A ding. Sure thing. Bet of the week. Which one of Jordan Klepper's family members will receive his thumbs in the mail? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Is your marriage too stable? Try gambling by the way, if I could just be serious for a moment. If you or a loved one has a gambling problem, use promo code Desiwins. And I get 10 bucks when you place your first bet.

[Jordan Klepper]

Look. And if you're a newly minted gambling addict in Missouri. Good news. Betting on the 2028 presidential election has already begun.

[Michael Costa]

Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers is among the favorites to win the presidency in 2028. According to betting sites, oddsmakers are giving Rodgers a 31 or 3% chance of becoming the next president. Meaning if you bet $100, you could win 3,000 if Rodgers is elected.

[Jordan Klepper]

Ooh. Mark my words, Aaron Rodgers will not be president. Head of the cdc, sure, but president? Get real. His name is Aaron. We can't have a president named Aaron. That's like having an army general named Skyler or a co host named Desi

[Desi Lightning]

Jordan, you anemic twizzler. You're as tall as you are dumb as you are feminine. Aaron Rodgers would make a great president. America has to elect someone crazier than Donald Trump in 2028, otherwise we'll lose our momentum. President Trump removes fluoride from our water. Then President Rogers removes Removes hydrogen from our water.

[Jordan Klepper]

Wouldn't that just make it oxygen?

[Desi Lightning]

That's right, Oppenheimer. Last time I checked, oxygen wasn't making our kids gay. And yes, Aaron Rodgers has taken a lot of hits to the head. But some of our best presidents have had brain damage. Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy.

[Jordan Klepper]

Now those guys were shot in the head.

[Desi Lightning]

Agree to disagree.

[Ronny Chieng]

Okay.

[Jordan Klepper]

Which brings us to my money go boom boom. Better than I. Is America ready for its first CTE president? As always, that bet is brought to you by gambling. Gambling? You won't know if you have a problem until you try it.

[Desi Lightning]

Finally, let's move on from odd mental decisions to odd physical ones. Last weekend, a fitness influencer was banned from the New York City Marathon for life. His crime loving cinema fitness social media

[Narrator/Reporter]

influencer is banned for life from the New York City Marathon. 29 year old Matthew Choi ran the 26.2 mile route, followed by a camera

[Desi Lightning]

crew on E Bikes.

[Narrator/Reporter]

It was all to film content, including video posted here on Instagram.

[Desi Lightning]

This guy is a pioneer. The whole point of exercising is to rub it in everyone's faces.

[Jordan Klepper]

Desi. Now, the whole point of exercise is to get in shape.

[Desi Lightning]

And what shape are you a drinking straw? Hell, it. It's about content. Which is why my Christmas card this year is just a picture of me bench pressing my family. Do you know how heavy Mr. Met is?

[Jordan Klepper]

Desi, Desi, Desi. You've done the impossible. You've made me actually Ms. Ronny Chang. A marathon is not about content. It's about running away from your personal demons. If you're running, there's no time to stop and think about how the kids in seventh grade said your body type was giraffe penis. And then everyone, including your teacher, started calling you G.P. they printed giraffe penis on your diploma. Now you have to put it on your resume. It's your nickname at work. Your fiance puts it in her wedding vow. She yells it out every time she pretends to climax. What's going on? Theoretically.

[Desi Lightning]

All right, settle down, GP which brings us to my big baller bet blitz bonanza. Which animal's penis does Jordan most resemble? As always, that bet is brought to you by gambling. Gambling hit rock bottom. Maybe there's some money down there.

[Jordan Klepper]

Well, that's all the time we have for Sportswar.

[Desi Lightning]

Join us next time when we debate whether basketball should have more balls.

[Jordan Klepper]

I mean, you mean like multi ball? Like pinball? I mean, that's a stupid idea.

[Mood.com Advertiser]

Let's be honest. Buying cannabis shouldn't be complicated, sketchy, or low quality. That's why I want to tell you about Mood.com. that's M-O O-D dot com. Mood ships federally legal cannabis straight to your door. No medical card, no hassle. And here's the kicker. The quality is better than anything you'll find at your local dispensary. Yeah, I said it. Whether you're into edibles, concentrates, flower, or just looking to explore, you'll find it all at Mood. And it's not just the variety that makes them stand out. Every product is sourced from small American owned family farms that care deeply about what they grow. It's cannabis you can trust. Delivered discreetly and ready to elevate your mood. And because you're a listener, you get 20% off your first order. Just head to mood.com, that's m o o dash.com to get started.

[Ronny Chieng]

Hey, what's up, children? Chodettes. I'm Ronny Chen.

[Jordan Klepper]

And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is sportswar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

[Ronny Chieng]

So if I say college athletes should

[Jordan Klepper]

not be paid, then I say everyone in college should be paid. Even the professors.

[Ronny Chieng]

Uh, the professors do get paid, dipshit.

[Jordan Klepper]

Clearly not your professors, Ronnie. I mean, what did you even major in? Let me guess. Eating by yourself in the dining hall?

[Ronny Chieng]

Oh, like you or Mr. Popular, didn't you have three roommates kill themselves.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, it was two. The third we never saw again. Enough about college. Let's talk college sports. It was rivalry week for college football and on Saturday, things got extra rivalry

[Narrator/Reporter]

e. On Sunday, the Big Ten fined Michigan and Ohio State $100,000 each after a post game brawl erupted Saturday. Look at this. The fighting broke out between the two squads after the Wolverines planted their flag at midfield of Ohio stadium following their third 13 to 10 win over the Buckeyes. Police had to use pepper spray to disperse the players.

[Jordan Klepper]

Boom. I love it. As my grandfather used to say, if there's grass on the field, play ball. Just realized that's not what he was talking about.

[Ronny Chieng]

Okay, Jordan, it's a shame you're not handsome because you're very stupid. Okay? Reckless fighting should only happen during the game. That's the violence I'm gambling on. If you have the energy to fight after, that means you didn't play hard enough.

[Jordan Klepper]

Ronny, you're a dumb man with dumber takes. Look, this melee was fantastic. A football game turned into a UFC fight. That's incredible. More sports should be combined like this. Imagine an NBA game ending and then boom. LeBron and Kevin Durant start competitive losing. And bonus, more sports equals less time with my family.

[Ronny Chieng]

Which brings us to our sick boom bang bet of the night. When will Jordan Klepper finally learn the names of his three children? As always, this bet brought to you by gambling. Gambling? I think your mom has some money in her purse.

[Jordan Klepper]

Three children? That can't be right. Moving on to a trend in football that doesn't involve steroid induced violence, but still is all the rage.

[Narrator/Reporter]

The celebration trend in the sports world. The Trump dance. Trump's double fist pump has been a rally stable for years now. But now the dance jumping from rallies to sports. US Soccer star Christian Pulisic busted out the move. Pro football players hitting the Trump dance after big plays. Raiders rookie Brock Browers in the end zone. Lions player Zadarius Smith after getting a sack. Titans wide out. Calvin Ridley celebrated with teammates after a long score. And UFC champ Jon Jones hitting the dance after knocking out his opponen while Trump watched.

[Ronny Chieng]

Uh, just stop it with this, okay? I. I live by two rules. One, I do not mix politics and sports. And two, if I'm watching porn and they start speaking Russian, I'm out. The least I can do to support Ukraine.

[Jordan Klepper]

Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronny. You know I support your anti war Jack sessions. Totally support. But you're dead wrong here. We need more politics in sports. Liberal athletes can do this, too. You score a touchdown and then you hit that Joe Biden. Who's gonna hate on that?

[Ronny Chieng]

I hate it. Okay, we need to keep politics out of sports. Sunday is for drinking eight beers and watching football. Drinking eight beers and watching Rachel Maddow. That's a Monday thing.

[Jordan Klepper]

You're a Monday thing.

[Mood.com Advertiser]

You.

[Ronny Chieng]

You're. I'm a Thursday thing.

[Michael Costa]

Oh, yeah.

[Jordan Klepper]

Best I could do is Wednesday thing.

[Ronny Chieng]

Deal.

[Jordan Klepper]

Look, my point still stands, Ronnie. There should be more politics in sports. NHL goalies should be senators, and the slam dunk contest should be all Supreme Court justices. Which brings us to my big baller bets bonanza. What would Sonia Sotomayor's signature dunk be called?

[Ronny Chieng]

As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling? You need something to do alone in your car.

[Jordan Klepper]

All right, moving on. Ronny, as you know, it's not just football season, it's also the holiday season.

[Ronny Chieng]

Merry Christmas, Jordan.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yes, and to you, I wish a Happy Buddhism Day.

[Ronny Chieng]

Okay, it's called Asian Christmas.

[Jordan Klepper]

Thank you very much. Point being, this year there's a new movie that combines the best of both seasons.

[Narrator/Reporter]

Hallmark is making history for the upcoming holiday season with their new film, Holiday Touchdown, A Chiefs Love Story. This marks the first time the company has collaborated with the NFL. And the defending super bowl champions, the Kansas City Chiefs are the true stars of the story.

[Jordan Klepper]

Viewers should keep an eye out for some cameos from Chiefs players and some well known faces. Boo. I hate this trend. Athletes should play sports and actors should act. Except O.J. simpson. You know he could do both. That guy killed it at.

[Ronny Chieng]

Okay, wrong again. Hepatitis. Gumby. Okay, we need more football players in movies. I mean, just imagine Gronk in 12 Years a Slave. Okay? Never too soon for a reboot.

[Jordan Klepper]

Ronny, you don't understand. These football players are moving into our territory. They're trying to plant their flag in our TV industry and we have to fight them.

[Ronny Chieng]

Okay, well, I'm not fighting alongside you. Okay, when you work out, dress bond.

[Jordan Klepper]

You know what? They politely asked me to stop working out there years ago. I'll have you know I do a high intensity circuit workout designed specifically for elderly lesbians.

[Ronny Chieng]

Which brings us to my badass bingo bomb bed of the evening. Which elderly lesbian could kick Jordan Klepper's ass? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Savings accounts are for Percy's.

[Jordan Klepper]

Well, that's all for this week's sports war. Join us next week when we debate, should NFL teams get one smoke grenade per game?

[Ronny Chieng]

I mean, obviously I think they should get one per half. Like a challenge flag.

[Jordan Klepper]

That's too much smoke grenade, you idiot.

[Narrator/Reporter]

No.

[Ronny Chieng]

No such thing as too much smoke grenade.

[Michael Costa]

You gotta get. Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount.

[Ronny Chieng]

Plus,

[Michael Costa]

this has been a Comedy Central podcast.