TDS Time Machine | Sports War - Pt. 2

Summary

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The Daily Show: Ears Edition

Episode: TDS Time Machine | Sports War - Pt. 2
Date: June 29, 2026
Hosts & Contributors:

• Desi Lydick
• Jordan Klepper
• Ronny Chieng
• Michael Kosta
• Additional correspondents in news wrap-ups and halftime reports

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Episode Overview

This jam-packed Comedy Central "Daily Show: Ears Edition" time-travels through a whirlwind of recent sports news and controversies, all delivered with the biting, rapid-fire satire that anchors Sports War. The news team skewers everything from NFL contract drama and Superbowl Swift-mania to March Madness vasectomies, mascot mayhem, NBA dolls, and even historic golf wins. Extended debates, comedic bets, and gambling gags pepper every segment, with sports and social commentary colliding in punchy, bawdy banter.

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Main Themes and Segments

1. Sports Incentives and Athlete Motivation (03:06–04:44)

• NFL Bonus Chases:
  “It's the last week in the NFL's regular season and that means it's time for some players to cash in... Von Miller needed just one sack to stack $1.5 million in bonus. He barely gets a couple of fingers on the quarterback, but it counts.” — Jordan Klepper (03:15)
• Performance Bonuses:
  Klepper jokes about his own workplace incentive: “Every time I interrupt you, I make an extra 50 bucks.” (04:26)
• Satirical banter:
  Desi roasts Jordan's looks and their hiring merits, escalating to mock bets involving serial killer paternity (04:55).

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2. NBA Three-Pointer Backlash & Ratings Decline (05:19–06:21)

• TV Ratings Drop:
  “The NBA is in trouble. TV ratings... have flopped this season. Viewership is down nearly 20%. What's to blame? According to many, the three point shot.” (05:26)
• Satire on blame culture:
  “The ratings are down because of three pointers. Hard. Disagree. In fact, I got three pointers for you right here!” — Jordan Klepper (05:40)
• Mock debate on ‘wokeness’ and DEI:
  “It's DEI. I'll say it. There are too many Eastern Europeans in the NBA. Pack your bags, Luka Doncic.” — Desi Lydick (06:29)

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3. Mascot Madness and Absurd Bowl Traditions (07:10–08:56)

• Food Mascots and Coaches:
  “A lot of the attention is on the mascots of the bowls, drenching Minnesota's head coach, PJ Fleck, with a five gallon tub of mayonnaise.” (07:20)
• Edible mascot gags:
  “It's funny how everyone's happy about the Pop Tart, but when I put the Philly fanatic in my mouth, it's sexual assault.” — Jordan Klepper (07:46)
• Desi’s playful horror:
  “Then when I eat them, I imagine how they were burned to death in a toaster, screaming, why? God, why?” — Desi (08:16)

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4. Super Bowl Swift-mania and Conspiracy Theories (09:39–13:41)

• Chiefs vs. Eagles Rematch:
  “And that means all of our attention will be on one thing. Taylor Swift.” — Ronny Chieng (09:58)
• Prop bets & pop culture:
  “Sites are already coming up with prop bets like, how many times will you see her? What outfit will she have on? ...Will Travis Kelce propose?” (10:24)
• NFL rigging jokes:
  “Will the NFL declare the Chiefs winners before the start of the second quarter?” — Michael Kosta (11:29)
• Philly fan roasts:
  “Their fans don't even care enough about the team to spell their name right. Even Ronnie can spell Eagles, and he can't even speak English.” — Jordan Klepper (12:32)

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5. NHL Nacho Incident and Softness in Sports (13:41–15:21)

• Hockey and nacho chaos:
  “Capitals goalie Logan Thompson says he was distracted by a tray of nachos on the ice as he gave up a goal in the third period.” (13:48)
• Audience participation escalations:
  “Let hockey fans be part of the game and throw whatever they want on the rink, okay? Popcorn, divorce papers, their most aerodynamic children.” — Ronny Chieng (14:15)

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6. March Madness, Vasectomy Season, and Cinderella Stories (22:11–28:45)

• Lack of upsets:
  “This year's tournament sucked... The only reason I watch these games is to see Duke fans crying to their ascots. Where are my Cinderella stories at?” — Ronny Chieng (23:20)
• Hype man Amir Khan:
  “One of the biggest stars of March Madness... student manager Amir Khan... reportedly landing at least 10 NIL deals with major brands.” (24:51)
• Vasectomy timing with games:
  “Every year... doctors see a surge in men scheduling vasectomies. Like 48 basketball games in four days. Urologists catching on... offering deals with slogans like it's hip to get snipped.” (27:14)
• Gambling references:
  “Will the Bakersfield Junior Astros score more than 22 runs in the Pee Wee quarterfinals? Brought to you by gambling. It's like a vasectomy for your wallet.” — Jordan Klepper (28:23)

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7. Mascots, Barbie NBA Dolls, and Gender Reveal Gimmicks (31:45–35:48)

• LeBron as a Kenbassador:
  “LeBron James is the first male athlete to be part of the new Kenbassador line of Barbie dolls... a true MVP. Our LeBron James Kenbassadors doll represents resilience, hope and pride for the city of Akron.” (31:47)
• Bryce Harper’s creative gender reveal:
  “Harper asked shortstop Trey Turner to hand him either a blue or a pink bat... found out right before stepping up to the plate that he'll be having a baby boy.” (33:19)
• Baseball mascot logo gone wrong:
  “The Chesapeake Bay Sox... unveiled an alternative team identity... the Oystercatchers... logo seemed to depict a baseball glove catching an oyster. Others interpreted it... differently.” (34:32)

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8. Wild NYC Sports Celebrations & Odd Sports Love Stories (39:04–42:38)

• Knicks fans celebration:
  “New York Wild celebrations after the Knicks eliminated the Boston Celtics to make the Eastern Conference finals for the first time in 25 years.” (39:36)
• Bill Belichick’s engagement:
  “73 year old Bill Belichick and 24 year old Jordan Hudson are engaged. That's Gonna be one hell of a wedding funeral.” — Michael Kosta (41:35)
• Age gap jokes:
  “You're just jealous you'll never be famous enough to date a woman born four years from now.” — Ronny Chieng (42:11)

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9. Athlete Amenities and Internationalization of Sports (43:09–44:07)

• Dodgers sign Roki Sasaki with Japanese toilets:
  “The Dodgers signed Japanese pitcher Roki Sasaki after a meeting where he asked if Japanese style toilets would be part of the team's new... locker room. He was promised they would be included.” (43:09)
• Transpacific bathroom humor:
  “Japanese toilets in American baseball stadiums. Why did we even fight World War II?” — Michael Kosta (43:46)

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Notable Quotes & Highlights

• On Performance Bonuses:
  “These players are putting the dam in irreversible brain damage. And I gotta tell you, Desi, I love it. You can't put a price on $3 million. I mean, if you did, it'd probably be $3 million bad.” — Jordan Klepper (03:46)

• On Three-Point Shooting Blame:
  “The ratings are down because of three pointers. Hard. Disagree. In fact, I got three pointers for you right here...” — Jordan Klepper (05:40)

• On Mascot Consumption:
  “It's funny how everyone's happy about the Pop Tart, but when I put the Philly fanatic in my mouth, it's sexual assault. How was I supposed to know that was his penis?” — Jordan Klepper (07:46)

• On NBA Ratings DEI Satire:
  “It's DEI. I'll say it. There are too many Eastern Europeans in the NBA. Pack your bags, Luka Doncic, and take your little C symbols back to Transylvania.” — Desi Lydick (06:29)

• On Gambling Bans vs. Vasectomies:
  “Now I look like a psycho betting on Little League games when there's no children on the field. I'm not a psycho, Ronnie. I just need little Arlo to bat over .500 so daddy can get back to even.” — Jordan Klepper (27:57)

• On Baseball Gender Reveals:
  “Baseball needs more medical tests revealed during games. I wanna see a runner slide into home and the umpire yells, you are safe from Tay Sachs disease.” — Michael Kosta (33:50)

• On Age Gap Relationships in Sports:
  “That's Gonna be one hell of a wedding funeral.” — Michael Kosta on Belichick’s engagement (41:35)
  “Remember that turtle that had sex with that shoe? Well, that shoe was 40 years younger than that turtle. And they seem perfectly happy to me.” — Ronny Chieng (42:11)

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Key Segment Timestamps

• 03:06 — NFL Incentives, Performance Bonuses Humor
• 05:26 — NBA Ratings Debate and Three-Pointer Discussion
• 07:10 — Bowl Mascot Antics and Edible Mascots
• 09:58 — Chiefs vs. Eagles Super Bowl, Taylor Swift Bets & Prop Culture
• 13:41 — NHL: Nachos on the Ice/Hockey Fans Behaving Badly
• 22:11 — March Madness Lack of Upsets & Vasectomy Season
• 24:51 — Cinderella Hype Man: NIL Deals for a Student Manager
• 31:47 — LeBron Kenbassador Barbie Doll, Endorsement Satire
• 33:19 — Harper’s Gender Reveal Bat
• 34:32 — Baseball Team Logo Controversy: Oystercatchers
• 39:36 — Knicks Win, NYC Celebrates
• 41:19 — Belichick Age Gap Engagement Roasted
• 43:09 — Dodgers’ Japanese Toilet Deal

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Episode Flow & Style

• Tone: Relentlessly satirical, sharp-witted, often raunchy; quick comedic takes, verbal sparring, and constant fake “bets” drive the debates; banners and segments always hit with punchlines.
• Structure:
  • Alternates between "Sports War" debate segments and newsy headlines
  • Frequent injection of fake betting segments
  • Occasional "halftime" and "post-game" reports extend the sports metaphor
• Memorable Moments:
  • Absurd bets (e.g., “Which notorious serial killer is probably Desi's real father?”)
  • Mascot consumption/sexualization running joke
  • Roasts on sports' new forms of ‘wokeness’ and diversity
  • Ongoing gambling and addiction humor
  • Gender reveal and team logo comedy punched up by sexual innuendo

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For New Listeners

This episode epitomizes The Daily Show’s comedic take on sports, current events, and pop culture—immense energy, relentless satire, and equal-opportunity lampooning. You’ll keep up with the week’s headlines while hearing every sports convention hilariously upended and dissected. The fake betting and “legally not allowed to agree” mechanic ensures debates are always absurd and extreme, while the correspondents' personal jabs keep the energy irreverent and playful.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome?

[A]

That's new.

[B]

It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50 page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it, ready to make anything online make sense. There's no place like Chrome. Check responses. Setup required. Compatibility and availability various 18. You're listening to Comedy Central. Get ready for battle. It's time for for Brought to you by Gambling. Gambling, the sport Michael Jordan was best at.

[C]

I'm Desi Lydick.

[D]

I'm Jordan Klepper. This is Sportswar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

[C]

So if I say baseball should get rid of the designated hitter, then I

[D]

say everybody should have to hit the umps, the hot dog vendors, the 90 year old organist. Choke up Seymour.

[C]

I wish I was designated to hit you with a sock full of quarters.

[D]

I'd like to see you try that again when I'm sober.

[C]

Speaking of being incentivized to hit people, it was the last week in the NFL's regular season and that means it's to Time. Time for some players to cash in.

[B]

Now with the final game of the season, you get those players going all out to earn big time bucks, hitting incentives, escalator clauses in their contracts. Von Miller needed just one sack to stack $1.5 million in bonus. He barely gets a couple of fingers on the quarterback, but it counts. Miller only played three snaps in this game, but that's all he needed. The Tampa Bay Bucks could have just taken a knee with seconds to go, but their future hall of Famer, he needed just five more yards to earn three million bucks in a bonus. And he got it.

[D]

Whoa. $3 million bonus. These players are putting the dam in irreversible brain damage. And I gotta tell you, Desi, I love it. You can't put a price on $3 million. I mean, if you did, it'd probably be $3 million bad.

[C]

Take discount Joel McHale. Why do professional athletes need more money just for doing their jobs? Isn't the pussy enough? Sorry, Jordan, I should explain. Pussy is slang for vagina, which is a woman's genitals and what your face looks like without a beard.

[D]

Wrong again, Lydic. It's what my face looks like with a beard in the 1970s. My point is, Desi, how could you not like this? Even we get performance bonuses. Every time I interrupt you, I make an extra 50 bucks.

[C]

What are you even talking?

[D]

Interrupting. Interrupting. Easy. 50 bucks. The system works.

[C]

Maybe you should use that 50 bucks to get a haircut that doesn't look like you're the stunt double for Tilda Swinton.

[E]

Boom.

[C]

I just hit my $20,000 Tilda reference bonus.

[D]

You keep Tilda's name out of your filthy mouth. God, I wish you were adopted but didn't know it. That way I could break it to you when you were at your lowest and most vulnerable. Which brings me to my can't lose bet of the week. Which notorious serial killer is probably Desi's real father? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling? It's barely addictive when you compare it to smoking crack.

[C]

Moving on. If you missed the big NBA game last night between OKC and the Cavs, don't worry, you're not alone.

[B]

The NBA is in trouble. TV ratings for pro basketball games have flopped this season. Viewership is down nearly 20%. What's the blame? According to many, the three point shot critics accused teams of becoming excessively reliant

[D]

on the deep ball in recent years. The ratings are down because of three pointers. Hard. Disagree. In fact, I got three pointers for you right here. Huh?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And you want to guess where the third one is?

[C]

The giant boil on your back that's growing eyes?

[D]

Correct. What is happening to my body? But they are so fun. I love these three pointers. So why would fans stop watching because of three pointers?

[C]

Jordan, just because you only date threes doesn't mean they're fun. But that's not the real reason the NBA is bleeding.

[D]

Viewers woke, destroyed.

[B]

The NBA ratings have collapsed. Some say it's that. Some say it's DEI kind of stuff. I mean, what the heck is going on? Bingo.

[C]

It's dei. I'll say it. There are too many Eastern Europeans in the NBA. Pack your bags, Luka Doncic, and take your little C symbols back to Transylvania.

[D]

Whoa, Desi, look, I'm surprised you don't like diversity, given you were a diversity hire for this job.

[C]

Why? Cause I'm a woman?

[D]

No, because you're a moron, Desi. Which brings me to my Jordans juiced and jacked bed of the night. Could Desi correctly spell DEI if given both the D and the I brought to you by gambling? Gambling? You know, if you rent a storage unit, they don't check if you're sleeping in it.

[C]

And finally, college bowl week is over. But no matter who won, there's a clear, undisputed national champion Giant novelty vats of food.

[D]

This bowl season, a lot of the attention is on the mascots of the Bulls, drenching Minnesota's head coach, P.J.

[B]

fleck with a five gallon tub of mayonnaise.

[C]

The trophy is a functioning toaster. And there goes the Pop Tart mascot Cinnamon roll going down. And look how he comes out. Yup. Ready to be served and enjoyed by everyone as they break off a piece of cinnamon roll Mascot.

[D]

Wow. Wow, I love this. We should be able to eat more mascots. It's funny how everyone's happy about the Pop Tart, but when I put the Philly fanatic in my mouth, it's sexual assault. How was I supposed to know that was his penis?

[C]

If you know, you know. And you're absolutely wrong. Jordan. College sports should not be humanizing breakfast pastries. Because then when I eat them, I imagine how they were burned to death in a toaster, screaming, why?

[B]

God, why?

[C]

And as those hot coils roast its pastry flesh, I wonder if the pain makes them taste even better and ask myself what that says about me. But then I take another bite of their delicious jammy Pop Tart and smile. Which brings me to Desi's bankruptcy Buster bet of the week will Jordan Klepper face justice for what he did to the Philly fanatic brought to you by gambling. Gambling? 20 million homeless people can't be wrong.

[D]

Well, that's all the time we have for Sportswar.

[C]

Join us next time when we debate whether Aaron Rodgers should re sign with the jets or accept the nomination for Surgeon General.

[D]

No way. No way. Secretary of Interior, Check your brains.

[C]

Interior dunnit.

[B]

And we're live on Matchday as Doug reaches for a Buffalo wing.

[D]

He's got it.

[B]

Oh, and he's gone for a can of Pepsi, too.

[E]

What a finish.

[D]

There's no doubt about it.

[B]

It just tastes better.

[D]

Match Days deserve Pepsi.

[E]

Oh, what's up, num nuts? I'm Ryan Chan.

[B]

And I'm Michael the Raw Dog Costa. And this is Sports War. The show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

[E]

That's right. So if I say football games should only be played indoors, then I say

[B]

every game should be played. Like that scene in Top Shirtless, on the beach, and in slow motion.

[E]

All right, but let's get to the biggest story in sports right now. We got an NFL super bowl rematch for the ages. Philadelphia Eagles vs. The Kansas City Chiefs. And that means all of our attention will be on one thing. Taylor Swift.

[B]

The Kansas City Chiefs are headed to their third straight super bowl after defeating the Buffalo Bills as the confetti fell.

[C]

Taylor Swift joined in on the celebration, sharing a kiss with boyfriend Travis Kelce.

[B]

Just do a little dance, make a little love. Sports betting sites, they're already coming up with prop bets like, how many times will you see her? What outfit will she have on?

[C]

There's some gutsier ones, like, will Travis Kelce propose?

[B]

Hell, yeah. Love is in the air, and I just spent all my heart medication money on it. Now, if Travis doesn't go down on one knee, he'll break two hearts. If Travis pops the question, I'm popping bobbles. In fact, I'm doubling down on a pregnancy parlay in November.

[D]

Okay?

[E]

Hey, you don't know a thing about love, Costa. That's why it's so easy for me to catfish you into thinking I was a busty 25 year old from Ukraine.

[B]

Wrong again. I knew it was you the whole time. And I'm in love with you. What we have is real. Besides, I needed something to bet on since the NFL rigged the game for the Chiefs.

[E]

Okay, look, the NFL is not rigged for the Chiefs. It comes down to talent, okay? It's like calling this show rigged just because I win every argument. Okay, I got the Brains of Bill Belichick. And you look like the son of Forrest Gump.

[B]

Well, Mama always says Ronny Chiene's a huge piece of shit. Which brings us to our NFL Big Game bet of the week. Now, legally, we can't say the name of the big game in a bet or the NFL will sue us. But I can present you my super bowl, spelled differently bet of the Week. Will the NFL declare the Chiefs winners before the start of the second quarter? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling? You don't even have to know a shady Italian guy to do it anymore.

[E]

Now, look, the game won't all be about stupid love stories. The Chiefs will be taking on the Eagles, and Philly is already practicing for a victory celebration.

[C]

Philadelphia's Eagles fans spilled onto the streets celebrating their big win.

[E]

This was the scene as tens of

[B]

thousands packed Broad Street.

[E]

Philadelphia's mayor, Sherrell Parker, tried to fire up fans.

[D]

She led a chant spelling the team's name.

[E]

Eagles.

[D]

Let me hear you all say E,

[B]

L, G, S, E, S. Eagles.

[D]

Let's go. First,

[B]

you're out of the spelling bee. Now step aside and watch an Indian kid crush your dream. This kind of behavior is exactly why the Eagles don't deserve another championship. Their fans don't even care enough about the team to spell their name right. Even Ronnie can spell Eagles, and he can't even speak English.

[E]

All right, I wish I didn't speak English. My life would be so much better if I couldn't understand you right. This is exactly why I love the Eagles. Even their fans have cte. The last time the Eagles won the Super Bowl, a fan voluntarily ate horseshit to celebrate, even though no one asked them to do it. Okay. Meanwhile, the streets of New York City are filled to the brim with horseshit because it's been so long since either New York team won a Super Bowl. So please win already so Costa can start licking these streets clean. Which brings us to the Ronnie's soup or bowl bet of the week. Which animal species can I trick Costa into eating? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling hone owners.

[B]

All right, stop laughing. Let's move on from the NFL to a story none of you have seen, because it's about hockey.

[C]

The Washington Capitals escaped with a three to two road win over the Oilers last night in a game that Capitals goalie Logan Thompson might argue should not have been so close. That's because Thompson says he was distracted by a tray of nachos on the ice as he gave up a goal in the third period. Who among us, really? The Nachos having been tossed onto the rink by a fan, did not interfere with Oilers as they skated into the capital zone and took the shot from a few feet from the discarded snack.

[E]

Wow, these athletes have become so soft, they're getting their ass whipped by nachos. Hey, let hockey fans be part of the game and throw whatever they want on the rink, okay? Popcorn, divorce papers, their most aerodynamic children. You brought them to a hockey game. You're already a bad father, Man.

[B]

Shut your. These nachos created a dangerous situation for players who should have been focused on beating the teeth out of each other. Plus, it's really hard to do your job when a stupid, annoying piece of trash is in your peripheral vision. In that analogy, Ronnie, you are the wet, cold trash. Nachos.

[E]

Boom.

[B]

The raw dog is killing it tonight. How's that raw dog? Costa Queso Tastin. Which brings us to our Michael Koss's super bowel bet of the night. How many people would mourn if Ronnie slipped and drowned in a vat of nacho cheese? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling? Your mom's ATM pin is probably your birthday.

[E]

All right, well, that's all the time we have for today. Join us next week when we debate if a tie really is as bad as kissing your sister.

[B]

Well, I can tell you from personal experience, it's not nearly as hot. How would you know that?

[E]

I am Ronny Chan.

[D]

I'm Jordan Klepper. This is sportswar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

[E]

So if I say the super bowl

[D]

should have fewer commercials, then I say all the players should be dressed like Flo from Progressive.

[E]

Oh, come on. No one wants to see Travis Kelce in an apron.

[D]

Yeah, tell that to my PornHub search history. Ro. Now, Sunday officially marked the end of the football season. We laughed, we cried. Ronnie tried to kiss me after every touchdown. And we crowned the Philadelphia Eagles our new champions.

[B]

Utter domination. There is no other way to describe what the Eagles did to the Chiefs.

[D]

Talk about a blowout. Woof.

[C]

Even I was like, is there a mercy rule here?

[B]

The most boring game you could expect. I mean, some people might have gone to bed because they turned. He was an old school clunker.

[D]

That was the worst Super Bowl. The Eagles dominated the entire evening. And just like Ronnie after eating dairy, the Chiefs shit the bed. You know what? I think I speak for everyone when I say, no more Super Bowls. NFL. You had a good run. You ended racism, cured breast cancer, and found a woman under 30 who wants to see Bill Belichick naked.

[E]

Jordan, have you been doing ayahuasca of Aaron Rodgers again? Okay, we can't cancel the Super Bowl. It's the only thing keeping Gronk from going throughout garbage at night. Plus, I don't know about you, but this was the best super bowl of my life. I mean, yeah, it had touchdowns, Tom Brady's new face seal as a seal, and Jordan losing an ass ton of money betting on the cheeks.

[B]

I mean, what happened, Mahomes?

[D]

You look like Ronnie out there. Completely lost with a terrible haircut. The Chiefs were my ticket out of this hellhole. And now I owe a lot of money to a very, very bad man.

[E]

Which brings us to my Jordan owes me a lot of money. Better than night. Which big Italian man will I send to Jordan's house tonight? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. You have two kidneys for a reason.

[D]

While Philly dominated the big game, it's important to remember the Chiefs weren't the only ones getting dragged all over the field on Sunday.

[B]

For 13 minutes, Kendrick Lamar provided the world with a halftime show that stayed true to himself. Just as we thought it might not happen, Kendrick took the elephant in the room for a walk around the Superdome king. Kendrick went hard, leading the stadium in his accusatory taunt.

[C]

The knockout blow in his public battle with Drake.

[D]

I've had it with these mother Drakes on this mother plane. Hey, Kendrick, the world's on fire, the president's in the stands, and you're using the biggest stage on the planet to go after Drake again. We get it. You don't like him. Save your petty beef for the group chat like Ronnie's fake accent. You're overdoing it.

[E]

All right, well, I disagree with you, Jordan, because unlike you, I love black people. And I thought Kendrick's performance was incredible. I mean, he proved what I've been saying for decades. The halftime show should always be about petty grievances. I mean, next year, I want to see Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni jousting to the death. Presented by gambling, of course. Gambling. Unlike Drake. You can come back from this.

[D]

And finally, let's not forget about a huge update rocking the world of gambling.

[C]

The former interpreter of Dodgers star Shohei Ohtani was sentenced today to nearly five years in prison in a sports betting case that made world headlines. Ippei Mizuhara pled guilty last year after impersonating Ohtani in a bid to steal millions to cover his gambling bets and debts.

[E]

Asian representation. We shouldn't be sending Shohei's interpreter to jail. We should be giving him a medal. I mean, you think Shohei has talent? It takes real skill to steal money from someone you work with, all right? Especially when you have to guess their mother's maiden name.

[D]

What?

[E]

What is it again? Jordan A. Pakowski. Is that with a K?

[D]

Oh, it's with a C, you dipshit. And you keep my mother's maiden name out of your mouth. See, this is my point. Gambling shouldn't be about hurting the people closest to you. Whatever happened to doing it the old fashioned way? Making dogs fight each other? As someone who had their identity stolen by a certain Japanese co worker, this is a disgrace.

[E]

Well, I know you can't be talking about me because I'm Malaysian.

[D]

Oh, stop making up new types of Asians. It's offensive. Which brings us to my Jordan's big dinger bet of the night. Which Malaysian celebrity will go to jail next for Ohtani's gambling? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling got Pete Rose into heaven. Why not you? Well, that's. That's all the time we have for Sportswar. Join us next week when we debate whether the NFL should expand to a 52 game season.

[E]

52? It should be at least 104. That way they have no time to get injured in between games.

[D]

52 makes the most sense.

[E]

Yes, that's what you need. You need more games.

[B]

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[E]

What's up, numb nuts? I'm Ron Chan.

[D]

And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is sportswar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. For example, if I say that athletes should be allowed to take steroids to

[E]

get bigger, then I say that athletes should be Getting smaller, like Ant Man. I want teeny, tiny little athletes.

[D]

That's nuts, Ronnie. Come on. How would they even pick up a basketball?

[E]

Well, ants can lift 50 times their body weight. Try culturing yourself and watching a Marvel movie, you moron.

[D]

I watched your Marvel movie. What was it called? Right. Nobody remembers. Oh, really?

[E]

Well, how many Marvel movies were you in?

[D]

I'm more of a theater guy, thank you very much. IPSID or something like that. Anyway, let's start things off with March Madness. The time of year when people yell Gonzaga. And not just during orgasm. But this year, the Ides of March didn't bring much of the madness.

[A]

It's actually been an oddly tame start to March Madness.

[E]

We didn't get those typical upsets that we're used to.

[B]

The top four seeds in each region, a combined 160 in the first round for the first time since 2017.

[C]

Of the first 32 games in the first round, 20 were won by double digits.

[E]

Wow, just like Jordan over here. This year's tournament suc.

[D]

Okay, we get it, we get it, we get it.

[E]

Where's the drama? Where's the crazy upsets? The only reason I watch these games is to see Duke fans crying to their ascots. Where are my Cinderella stories at? Usually there's at least one fairytale underdog with a starting lineup of guys that all have heart conditions and whose team is just integrated for the first time.

[D]

Ronny, I can't tell which is more busted, your bracket or your face. Look, this has been an incredible. I only want to watch major colleges, not some team like Mount Sinai bum getting shellacked by a top dog in the sweet 16. Honestly, this is the most excited I've been for a sweet 16 since Ronnie's quinceanera.

[E]

Okay, quinceanera is at 15, pendejo. Also, mi quincentera muy excellent.

[D]

That layover in Madrid did some wonders, Ronnie. Which brings us to our super sweet 16 bet of the night. Which college mascot will be the first to do over the pants stuff at the sweet 16? As always, brought to you by gambling, it's the fun way to sell your house.

[E]

Moving on. Despite a lack of March Madness upsets, there was one Cinderella story that the entire world could get behind.

[B]

One of the biggest stars of March Madness in the men's side isn't even a player. 12 seed McNeese State's Cinderella run is over, but people fell in love with their student manager, Amir Khan, AKA Ara. He's like their hype man. Popularity reportedly landing amir at least 10 nil deals with major brands earning into the six figures. Khan going viral this season for leading his team out to play carrying a boombox.

[D]

K. I love this kid. Ora Khan deserves these endorsement deals because he's done the impossible. He put McNeese on the map. Before Khan. I thought McNeese was the name of the third Culkin brother. Now. Now I know it's the best school in the state of. I want to say McNeese. I don't know.

[E]

Jordan, did your brain tear its ACL? Okay, we shouldn't be giving an equipment manager endorsement deals. It's against the natural order of things. The jocks get the endorsement deals and the glory. And the girls and the nerds get to get beat up by the jocks. Then start social media companies that warp the brains of the jocks to eventually vote against their own interests. Which brings us to my bracket buster better than I. Which random nerd will get an endorsement deal next? Brought to you by. Gambling. Gambling. As Thomas Jefferson once said, it ain't gay if it's a parlay. Now it's time for our sportswar halftime report with Grace Coolensmith.

[D]

Thanks, Ronnie.

[B]

So far, it's been a pretty underwhelming

[D]

performance by both hosts.

[B]

There is one major upset to report. I'm very upset I had to witness

[D]

this, but now I'd like to give

[A]

everyone an update on the NCAA women's basketball tournament.

[D]

Thanks, Grace. Whoa. Up close.

[C]

Whoa.

[D]

About to blow my brains out over there.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wanna go right to the line?

[D]

Oh. Anyway.

[B]

Whoo.

[D]

Moving on from the balls on the court to ball off the court away

[B]

from the basketball arenas. A different kind of March madness is underway.

[C]

Every year around this time, doctors see a surge in men scheduling vasectomies. Men figure if they're gonna be laid up on the couch for a couple of days, it might as well be at a time when there's something to watch on TV. Like 48 basketball games in four days. Urologists are catching on, even offering deals with slogans like it's hip to get snipped. Others offer basketball shaped ice packs.

[E]

Bravo. Bravo. I love dudes. This is exactly what vasectomies are all about. Watching sports alone with a bag of frozen peas on your junk. I mean, me, I'm on my 11th vasectomy this year.

[D]

Is that why you missed my wedding?

[E]

No, I missed it because I don't like seeing you happy, okay?

[B]

Right.

[D]

Look much like your penis. Your argument is completely mangled. Look, these vasectomies are a disaster. If people are Having vasectomies. They aren't having kids. If people aren't having kids, then those kids aren't playing sports. And if they're not playing sports, then I can't bet on their Little League games. Now I look like a psycho betting on Little League games when there's no children on the field. I'm not a psycho, Ronnie. I just need little arlo to bat over.500 so daddy can get back to even. Which brings me to my ball buster bet of the night. Will the Bakersfield Junior Astros score more than 22 runs in the Pee Wee quarterfinals? Brought to you by gambling. It's like a vasectomy for your wallet.

[E]

Okay, before we go, let's throw it back to Grace for our post game report.

[B]

Thanks, Ronnie. Looking at the numbers, we had three swear words, 17 dick jokes, and two men wasting what little life they have left.

[D]

And now a quick update on the women's bracket. Thank you.

[B]

That's it. That's all the time.

[D]

We join us next week when we debate whether Vanessa Trump would look better with Tiger woods or Tony the Tiger. Okay.

[E]

It's hard to say. Jordan. Tony the Tiger is a massive dong.

[D]

All right? I've seen it.

[E]

Tony, eat cereal. He's naked. What's up, ball sacks? I'm Ronny Shan.

[B]

And I'm Mike. Hi, I'm Michael Costa. This is SportsWar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. For example, if I say UFC needs to be more violent.

[E]

Oh, well, then I say fighters need to sell their differences peacefully with a licensed therapist.

[B]

Yeah, well, I'd like to introduce you to my two therapists, Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung.

[E]

Oh, yeah, Well, I should go to therapy, seeing as how I'm obsessed with your mom.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, man, exactly. You need to explore those feelings with a licensed medical professional. I'll send you some names. Hey, let's talk golf.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Short game. Amateur handicap ball washer. These aren't just Ronnie's nicknames. They're golf terms. And this week was a historic one on the links tonight. Rory McIlroy is now one of only six golfers to win all four major golf championships. Winning the Masters for the first time.

[C]

The kid who grew up in Northern Ireland, overcome with emotion, winning his first green jacket 11 years after winning his last major championship.

[B]

Wow. Congrats to Roy McIlroy. It took him 11 years to get a new green blazer. And as someone currently serving a 20 year ban from the men's warehouse, I can totally relate.

[E]

This is totally different. You idiot. Rory was trying to accomplish one of the hardest things in all of sports. You just took a dump in a fitting room.

[B]

Well, but they guaranteed I was gonna like the way I looked. And breaking a verbal contract has consequences. The point is, I'm happy for Roy McIlroy.

[E]

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not, okay? I don't want to seem happy. Everyone knows that Irish people are at their best when they're depressed. Haven't you ever read James Joyce?

[B]

Hell no. I'm a Frank McCourt man.

[E]

Well, he's Irish American, dumbass.

[B]

Check your stats, bro. McCourt was raised in the slums of Limerick and he spoke to the soul of Irish suffering like no man since William Butler Yates, dumbass. Which brings to our eyes, Irish Eyes. Bed of the Night. What will make Roy McIlroy cry in public next? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. The only thing you're really addicted to is having a good time.

[E]

Moving on. The NBA playoffs start Saturday. But if you're a little girl with a big imagination like Costa, you also have a reason to be excited.

[B]

Move over, Ken.

[D]

LeBron James is the first male athlete

[B]

to be part of the new Kenbassador line of Barbie dolls.

[D]

Look at them. The message on the back of the box says, a true MVP. Our LeBron James Kenbassadors doll represents resilience, hope and pride for the city of Akron.

[E]

This is the dumbest toy ever. I hope it comes with a brawny James doll that you're forced to play with even though it sucks.

[B]

Wrong again, boy toy. I happen to love labarbie. He has every. He has what every little girl wants in a dollar. Pride for the city of Akron. Now they can play until their heart's content with a middle aged man dressed like a 14 year old. No notes. They should expand this to other NBA legends like Dennis Rodman. The Worm, the first doll in Barbie history with the piercible scrotum. Or my favorite, my favorite from childhood, Wilt Chamberlain. There are hundreds of different Barbies and he can have sex with all of them.

[E]

Which brings us to our extremely random endorsement deal. Better the Week presented by Joann Fabrics. Which athlete will sign the next extremely random endorsement deal brought to you by Gambling? Gambling. They're doing amazing things with wheelchairs.

[B]

Now look, let's go to the diamond. Baseball is a sport where you have to know your signs, right? Curveball. Pitching change. I'll take four beers. No tip. But this week, Bryce Harper took that to the next level.

[C]

Philadelphia Phillies slugger Bryce Harper is About to take another swing at fatherhood. And he got creative with the baby's gender revealed during last night's game, Harper asked shortstop Trey Turner to hand him either a blue or a pink bat before he went up to hit as a gender reveal. He found out right before stepping up to the plate that he'll be having a baby.

[B]

Boy, this is awesome. Baseball needs more medical tests revealed during games. I wanna see a runner slide into home and the umpire yells, you are safe from Tay Sachs disease.

[E]

Costa, you are out of your mind. All right? This is ruining the game. You can't be doing gender reveals at the plate. Gender reveals are supposed to be for a close group of loved ones that you're hoping to injure with explosives.

[B]

Ronnie, I got your agenda reveal bat right here. Surprise. Since you're a piece of shit.

[E]

Well, Costa.

[D]

Yep.

[E]

For. For those of us who've had sex, this is a disaster. All right? Baseball is the thing you think about when you're not trying to get someone pregnant. Get your family planning out of my sports, okay? Can we please see a baseball story that has nothing to do with sex?

[B]

The Baltimore Orioles Double A affiliate, the Chesapeake Bay Sox, decided to unveil an alternative team identity to help them gain traction with new audiences. That included the new alternative name, the Oystercatchers, along with a brand new logo. This logo, which at least to many, seems to depict a baseball glove catching an oyster. Others interpreted it a bit differently. The team took the criticisms to heart, deleting their own announcement within minutes. But later, they unveiled a new new logo showing a bird holding a bat.

[E]

God damn it. I'm never going to be able to slurp an oyster off a baseball glove, ever. And that's the only way I like them.

[B]

What are you talking about, Ronny? The oyster logo is great. If anything, the new logo is the one that's perverted. That bird is clearly flying away with some guy's severed penis. And you know what? That poor guy. But those lucky baby birds. What a lunch.

[E]

This whole thing just confirms my belief that baseball teams should get rid of logos entirely. Okay, if they're not sexualizing oysters, they're pissing off Native Americans. Every team should just name themselves after their city. Like the Philadelphia Phillies, the Boston Bostonies, the Cleveland Clevelandys, the Detroit Detroit Titties. Nothing sexual. Okay?

[B]

I disagree, Ron. All team names should be sexual. But educational sex ed in this country is a joke. But if the Philadelphia Fallopian Tubes play the Cleveland Steamers, well, now we're learning. Which brings us to our 4 carat diamond bet of the week. What baseball mascot will Ronnie have a wet dream about tonight? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Tons of cultures sleep outside. All right, that's it for Sportswar. Join us next time when we debate what act of war Ja Morant should mind for his next celebration.

[E]

It's gotta be hitting the nuclear button, man. You gotta hit that button.

[A]

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[B]

Introducing Taco Bell's new jalapeno citrus salsa

[D]

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[B]

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[D]

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[B]

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[D]

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[B]

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[D]

Get it with any item on the

[B]

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limited time only while supplies last contact store for availability.

[E]

Hey, what's up dingleberries? I'm Roy Che.

[B]

And I'm Michael Kosta. This is Sports War. The show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

[E]

That's right. So if I say the hardest thing is is hitting a fastball, then I

[B]

say the hardest thing is changing a sumo wrestler's diaper.

[E]

All right.

[B]

I'd like to see Aaron Judge do that. I'm serious. I paid good money to see that.

[E]

I paid good money to see a horse kick you in the face. Until then, let's talk sports. And the only story that matters is

[B]

New York Wild celebrations in New York City overnight. After the Knicks eliminated the Boston Celtics to make the Eastern Conference finals for the first time in 25 years, thousands of fans then poured into the streets. Post game, they like shut down everything around Penn Station and Madison Square Garden. Is that spider man?

[E]

Go New York.

[D]

Go New York, go.

[E]

What a mind blowing image. People smiling in midtown Manhattan. No city parties harder while standing in urine than New York City. All right. And I love that guy who climbed the billboard. Can you believe he only pays 1700? $1700 a month to live up there? It's practically a studio. But you know what, New Yorkers wait a long time. They deserve this. And the best part of this celebration, Michael Kosta wasn't there.

[B]

Of course I wasn't there. I was out to dinner with my best friend, P. F Chang. We shared fajitas at Applebee's. Great guy, actually. Hey Knicks fans. You're partying too early. It's only the second round. Your timing is almost as bad as that idiot I saw celebrating Halloween today. He had on a cop costume. A cop car was like with four other dudes in the exact same dumb cop costume. People are really stupid, man.

[E]

Which brings us to our bye bye Boston. Better than how will New Yorkers celebrate a Knicks championship brought to you by gambling? Gambling? I heard greyhounds actually like running until their legs explode. Let's move on from celebrating basketball and celebrate love or whatever the hell this is.

[B]

North Carolina head football coach Bill Belichick and his 24 year old girlfriend Jordan Hudson are apparently engaged. A story in the New York Times says Jordan has told one person she and Belichick are quote, engaged to be married.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

73 year old Bill Belichick and 24 year old Jordan Hudson are engaged. That's Gonna be one hell of a wedding funeral. Bill, Bill, listen to me. This is all happening way too fast. I mean, has she even met your parents yet? Why is Bill lock himself down when he could be cleaning up at the nursing home? Believe me, there's nothing hotter than going down on someone mid dialysis.

[E]

Grow up, Costa, you perv. All right, you're just jealous you'll never be famous enough to date a woman born four years from now. We sh. We should be celebrating their love. Love is strange. That's why it's beautiful. Remember that turtle that had sex with that shoe? Well, that shoe was 40 years younger than that turtle. And they seem perfectly happy to me.

[B]

Well, look, this brings us to our sugar baby. Better the night Will Bill Belichick Smile at His Own Wedding? Brought to you by gaming. Gambling. Gambling. Bet your inheritance before your 24 year old stepmom gets it.

[E]

Moving on. Costa, what's the nicest bathroom you've ever used?

[B]

The one at my friend P. F Chang's house. And no, he doesn't live in a P. F Chang's. He lives above one, and it makes the mail a nightmare.

[E]

I truly regret talking to you. Roll the clip.

[C]

The Dodgers signed Japanese pitcher Roki Sasaki after a meeting where he asked if Japanese style toilets would be part of the team's new $100 million locker room. He was promised that they would be included. He says they were a factor in getting him to sign with the team. In case you were wondering, Japanese toilets

[A]

often include a bidet function, remote controls, heated seats, and an automatic lid, among other features.

[E]

Hey, it's about time. All right. Baseball players are terrible at wiping. Have you ever noticed those shit marks under their eyes? It's embarrassing.

[B]

Ronnie, Ronnie. Sounds like you rubbed shit on your brain. I mean, Japanese toilets in American baseball stadiums. Why did we even fight World War II? My grandfather died in Pearl Harbor. Well, a screening of the film he choked on a milk duck. The point is, I don't need some toilet kamikazing my butt crack.

[E]

Which brings us to our Tushtech. Better the night. Who will be the first Dodgers player to get sucked into a Japanese toilet? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling? The new Pope hasn't condemned it yet.

[B]

Well, that's all the time we have to wage war over sports. Join us next time when we debate if it's time for professional swimmers to swim in something other than water.

[E]

Yeah, like a marinara sauce. That could be interesting.

[B]

Italian swimmers would. Domino. You don't know anything about. Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast. Universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount.

[E]

Plus,

[B]

this has been a Comedy Central podcast.

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