TDS Time Machine | Sports War - Pt. 3

Summary

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The Daily Show: Ears Edition

TDS Time Machine | Sports War - Pt. 3

Date: July 12, 2026
Host: Comedy Central (Jon Stewart & The Daily Show News Team)
Summary prepared by podcast summarizer AI

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Episode Overview

This episode of "The Daily Show: Ears Edition" features an extended installment of the “Sports War” segment, with satirical debates and comedic takes on the latest sports headlines. Panelists Desi Lydic, Jordan Klepper, Michael Costa, and Ronny Chieng battle through a variety of stories spanning basketball, football, baseball, Olympics, sports scandals, and pop culture, lampooning not only current events but also the culture of sports media, fandom, and sports betting. The panel's tone is irreverent, snarky, and fast-paced, leaning into parody and over-the-top banter.

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Key Discussion Points and Highlights

1. The Return of Caitlin Clark & The WNBA

• Caitlin Clark’s impact:
  • Upon returning from injury, her absence previously caused ticket prices and WNBA ratings to plummet by 55% (02:15).
  • Satirical banter questions the fandom's loyalty and female athletes’ recognition.
  • Quote:
    • "You people bailed on the WNBA quicker than Desi did on her fifth marriage." – Jordan Klepper (02:20)
  • Panelists riff on fictitious WNBA teams (e.g., "Cleveland Clams, Toledo Tampons") poking fun at their own lack of knowledge (02:50).
• Women's Cornhole:
  • Desi claims to be the "Caitlin Clark of cornhole", drawing a typically absurd Sports War comparison (03:15).

2. DeMarcus Cousins’ Suspension in Puerto Rico

• Incident Recap:
  • Cousins ejected after obscene gesture at a fan.
  • The panel gleefully exaggerates, making jokes about fan-player interaction.
  • Quote:
    • "He grabbed his crotch and wiped it on that fan's face... I'll be watching every game courtside with my mouth wide open." – Jordan Klepper (04:09)
  • Desi suggests Cousins escalate further for ultimate revenge, blending absurdity and gross-out humor (04:29).
  • Gags abound about "CDs" as setup for a "deez nuts" punchline, lampooning sports-betting segment tropes (04:57).

3. Aaron Rodgers to the Steelers & His Mysterious Marriage

• QB Shuffle:
  • Rodgers signs with Pittsburgh Steelers "for his soul" (05:21).
  • Discussion lampoons the idea of players “doing good for their soul,” with O.J. Simpson and Mother Teresa comparisons (05:32).
  • Notable Exchange:
    • "O.J. Simpson, terrible soul. Incredible player. Mother Teresa, great soul. Dog Shit quarterback." – Jordan Klepper (05:44)
  • Rodgers’ secret marriage triggers jokes about ayahuasca and possibly marrying a plant, alluding to his offbeat public persona (06:08).
  • Continues into sports-gambling parody: "What eradicated disease did guests contract at Rodgers’ wedding?" (06:40)

4. US Open Tennis & Fan Conduct

• Fan Behavior:
  • US Open sees record attendance but rowdy, drunk behavior, especially for early hours (10:14).
  • Quote:
    • "We're loud, we're drunk. We're spending $6,000 a month to share a one-bedroom with four nonbinary tattoo artists all named Devin." – Ronny Chieng (10:47)
  • Witty breakdown of how each Grand Slam reflects its host nation (“Wimbledon is stuffy and inbred… at the Australian Open, the ball spins the other way.”)
  • Michael Costa touts sports etiquette and his own “professional” tennis ranking (11:43).

5. NFL Kickoff & "Spit-tacular" Moments

• Jalen Carter Ejection:
  • Ejected for spitting on Dak Prescott on opening kickoff.
  • Discussion devolves into how spitting “should only happen to fans, not players” (13:25).
  • Betting segment: "What is wrong with me?" punctuates the absurdity (13:40).

6. AI Takes Over Minor League Baseball

• AI as Manager:
  • Oakland team uses AI program for lineups and tactics, and wins.
  • Human vs. AI Debate:
    • Michael Costa laments human obsolescence; Ronny Chieng lists baseball’s history of “evolving,” progressing from “curveballs, to black players, to AI” (14:56).
  • Segment ends with another parody betting promo: "Will AI ruin baseball next?"

7. College vs. Pro Basketball

• School Debate:
  • Satirical debate on which basketball is better—college or NBA—featuring jokes about homework and parental pride (16:46–17:06).

8. Dodgers World Series Win

• LA Dodgers Repeat:
  • The team, led by Will Smith, wins back-to-back championships.
  • Jokes conflate Will Smith the baseball player and the actor for comic effect (17:58).
  • Quote:
    • "Nothing topped Dodgers catcher Will Smith hitting that series-winning home run and finally redeeming himself for that time he slapped Chris Rock in the face." – Jordan Klepper (17:58)

9. NBA Gambling Scandal

• Terry Rozier Accused:
  • Allegedly faked injury for gamblers’ benefit (19:34).
  • “Sports War Ceasefire” where the panel unites to encourage anyone inside to share tips and join their scams (20:01).

10. Professional Darts Nickname Ban

• Aussie player "Pussy Magnet" forced to abandon moniker
  • Panel jokes about the Professional Darts League’s priorities and the absurdity of sports governance (21:19).

11. Super Bowl LX & The “Frasier Bowl”

• Matchup: Seahawks vs. Patriots
  • Connected via sitcom geography: "Seattle (Frasier) vs. Boston (Cheers)" (27:21).
  • Nicknamed the “Frasier Bowl," jokes about brain injuries in football echo “tossed salad and scrambled eggs” (27:43).
  • Betting odds about “Bad Bunny performing with Kelsey Grammer” at halftime continue the running gambling gag (28:01).

12. NHL Popularity & Gay Hockey Shows

• “Heated Rivalry” TV Impact:
  • Hockey ticket surge linked to the (presumably fictional) show with prominent gay characters (28:38).
  • Extends jokes about merging “watching hockey and gay porn” for viewer efficiency (29:06).

13. Winter Olympics Cheating—Crotch Gate

• Norwegian ski jumpers:
  • Suspended for artificially enlarging crotches for aerodynamic advantage (29:53).
  • Michael Costa’s LSD-fueled hallucination story elicits Ronny’s confused disgust (30:56).

14. Opening Ceremony in Milan and Big Sports Events

• Olympic Ceremonies:
  • Satirical complaints about lack of "Sopranos" and people “dressed as lasagna" in Milan (32:37).

15. Super Bowl Halftime & Bad Bunny’s Record-Setting Performance

• Halftime Show Dominates:
  • Bad Bunny’s appearance as first Spanish-language act, celebrated as history-making and possibly overshadowing the game (33:17).
  • Quote:
    • "Watching him swivel those hips, I haven't been this confused since college... Also, I had several gay experiences." – Jordan Klepper (33:17)
  • Running donkey show jokes underscore the team’s irreverence.

16. Olympic Protests & Figure Skating Pop Culture

• Olympian Gus Kenworthy urinates “F ICE” in the snow:
  • Presented as “gold medal pissing”—hyperbolic humor about bodily function as sport (35:01).
  • Figure skating routines to "Minions" soundtrack spark debates about sports purity and creativity (36:37).

17. March Madness—Letting AI Make Your Bracket

• AI-Picked Brackets:
  • Panel mocks the rise of AI in sports gambling, with Jordan's joke about AI’s faulty predictions (40:11).
  • Betting segment: "Who will Grok pick to win March Madness?" (40:57).

18. Venezuela's World Baseball Classic Upset

• Team USA Loses:
  • The panel satirizes American jingoism, confusion over who played on the US squad, and jokes about Venezuela becoming the next US state (41:38–42:24).

19. NBA Strip Club Promotion Cancelled

• Magic City Canceled:
  • Parody about female inclusion in the NBA; Desi imagines a full strip club experience during games (43:22).
  • Quote:
    • "How about you hold my nuts in your mouth? ...I want an NBA game with the full strip club experience..." – Desi Lydic (43:22)

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Memorable Quotes

• On WNBA Loyalty:
  "You people bailed on the WNBA quicker than Desi did on her fifth marriage."
  — Jordan Klepper (02:20)

• On "Bad" Souls in Sports:
  "O.J. Simpson, terrible soul. Incredible player. Mother Teresa, great soul. Dog Shit quarterback."
  — Jordan Klepper (05:44)

• On NYC Crowd Behavior:
  "We're loud, we're drunk. We're spending $6,000 a month to share a one-bedroom with four nonbinary tattoo artists all named Devin."
  — Ronny Chieng (10:47)

• On Dodgers’ Will Smith:
  "Nothing topped Dodgers catcher Will Smith hitting that series-winning home run and finally redeeming himself for that time he slapped Chris Rock in the face."
  — Jordan Klepper (17:58)

• On Bad Bunny’s Halftime Show:
  "Watching him swivel those hips, I haven't been this confused since college..."
  — Jordan Klepper (33:17)

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Notable Timestamps for Key Segments

| Topic | Timestamp | |----------------------|--------------| | Caitlin Clark & WNBA | 02:04–03:23 | | DeMarcus Cousins | 03:49–05:09 | | Aaron Rodgers/Marriage | 05:14–06:40 | | US Open Tennis Fans | 10:04–11:49 | | NFL Spitting Ejection| 12:30–13:55 | | Baseball AI Manager | 14:06–15:51 | | Dodgers World Series | 17:15–18:35 | | NBA Gambling Scandal | 19:28–20:54 | | Darts Nickname Ban | 21:08–22:03 | | Super Bowl LX/"Frasier Bowl" | 26:47–28:01 | | NHL & “Heated Rivalry” | 28:38–29:33| | Olympics Crotch-Gate | 29:53–31:47 | | Bad Bunny Halftime | 33:01–34:06 | | Olympic Snow Protest | 34:42–36:14 | | March Madness AI | 39:43–40:57 | | Baseball: Venezuela Upset | 41:22–42:24 | | NBA Strip Club Ban | 42:34–43:56 |

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Tone, Satire, and Betting Gags

Throughout, the episode maintains The Daily Show's signature satirical voice and “Sports War” running joke: panelists must disagree, often for trivial reasons. Recurring parody ads for gambling stoke the absurdity and mock the ubiquity of betting culture. Playful jabs, off-color humor, and self-referential jokes abound, with the betting segments punctuating nearly every story (“our bet of the night... brought to you by gambling!”).

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In Summary

This episode delivers a high-energy, joke-heavy tour through the world of sports, parodying hot-button topics and media hype with gags about gambling, AI, and fandom absurdity. From the cultural significance of athletes like Caitlin Clark and Bad Bunny to scandals, upsets, and the rise of AI, “Sports War” turns each story into an opportunity for one-upmanship and punchlines, all while satirizing the spectacle and tribalism at the heart of modern sports.

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This summary captures the major talking points, humor, and most notable quotes, providing a lively recap for anyone who missed this wild, joke-packed episode of Sports War on The Daily Show.

Transcript

[Michael Costa]

Welcome to a new era of baseball's great spectacle. The T Mobile Home Run Derby, live on Netflix. The biggest sluggers in baseball put their talents to the test on All Star Weekend. Raw power meets star power, Big swagger meets bigger slams. And you don't swing to make contact.

[Jordan Klepper]

You swing to make history.

[Michael Costa]

Watch the T Mobile Home Run Derby

[Announcer]

live on Netflix this Monday, July 13,

[Michael Costa]

at 8pm Eastern, 5pm Pacific.

[Jordan Klepper]

And we're live from the living room as Doug eyes up the match. Say spread. He's reaching for the buffalo wing.

[Desi Lydic]

Perfect.

[Michael Costa]

Hang on.

[Jordan Klepper]

What's this? Oh, he's gone for a can of Pepsi too. Incredible. What a finish.

[Michael Costa]

Sensational combination.

[Jordan Klepper]

Look at the delight on his face. There's no doubt about it. It just tastes better. Match days deserve Pepsi. Food deserves Pepsi. Grab a pack of Pepsi. Zero sugar for today's match. It's poetry in motion.

[Michael Costa]

You're listening to Comedy Central. Get ready for battle. It's time for sports war, brought to you by gambling. Gambling? It's literally free money.

[Desi Lydic]

What's up, sports pros and sports bras? I'm Desi Lydic.

[Jordan Klepper]

And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is sportswar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

[Desi Lydic]

So if I say cheerleading is not

[Ronnie Chang]

a real sport, then I say, of

[Jordan Klepper]

course cheerleading is a sport. Why else would I be constantly watching it when I'm alone at.

[Desi Lydic]

Whatever keeps you indoors and away from people. Let's kick things off with our top story. Caitlin Clark has returned to the court from injury. And not a moment too soon for the wnba.

[Michael Costa]

It wasn't just the Indiana Fever that missed Caitlin Clark. The WNBA missed her. And badly.

[Desi Lydic]

Caitlin Clark effect. Since the WNBA star's injury, ticket prices have drastically dropped.

[Michael Costa]

WNBA ratings plummeted 55% league wide.

[Jordan Klepper]

Wow. So Caitlin Clark gets injured and you all just stop supporting women's basketball? You people bailed on the WNBA quicker than Desi did on her fifth marriage. Look, fair weather fans make me sick. I, Jordan Klepper, champion of women, friend to the female Maya Angelou, lover, and Susan B. Anthony, mega fan, am here to tell you that there is plenty, I mean, plenty of excitement in the WNBA besides Caitlin Clark.

[Desi Lydic]

Name one WNBA team.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, I'll name three. The Cleveland Clams, Toledo Tampons, and the Boston Bushes. Go Bush

[Desi Lydic]

Jordan, you idiot. Those are possibly correct. I don't know. I was bluffing. Regardless, it's great that Clark's absence gave fans a chance to watch cooler, less popular sports like, I don't know, women's Cornhole, which I happen to have played. In fact, people say I'm the Caitlin Clark of cornhole.

[Jordan Klepper]

You're the Caitlin Clark of cornhole. Who says that?

[Desi Lydic]

You just did, you big dumb giraffe. Which brings us to our holy hot bed of the night. Will our ratings decline if Jordan Klepper gets injured by the hood of my car? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling? You can't spell degenerate without great staying

[Jordan Klepper]

in the world of basketball. Did you know it's also played? And one former NBA star is making headlines in Puerto Rico by going a little nuts.

[Michael Costa]

Former Golden State Warrior DeMarcus Cousins was suspended for the rest of the season in Puerto Rico's basketball league after this heated exchange with a fan during a game, Cousins made an obscene gesture, exchanged words with a fan. The four time NBA all Star was ejected.

[Jordan Klepper]

This is awesome. He grabbed his crotch and wiped it on that fan's face. Oh, anyone can shake a player's hand, but not many get to taste a player's ball sack. You know, I just bought season tickets at the Puerto Rican Basketball League and I'll be watching every game courtside with my mouth wide open.

[Desi Lydic]

Jordan, you human glory hole. You couldn't be more wrong. DeMarcus Cousins should know how to act professionally during the game. But after the game, he should break into that fan's car and rub that tank stank all over his steering wheel. The guy will have pink eye before he leaves the parking lot.

[Jordan Klepper]

Wait, is that how I got pink eye?

[Desi Lydic]

Which brings us to tonight's Sack attack Bet of the week. How many CDs will DeMarcus cousins buy in his free time?

[Jordan Klepper]

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold on, hold on. What?

[Michael Costa]

CDs.

[Desi Lydic]

CDs. No. These nuts have been brought to you by gambling. Gambling? Stack up and bet.

[Jordan Klepper]

I should have seen it coming. Moving on from a former pro to a current pro who just won't go

[Michael Costa]

away after months of speculation. Looks like Aaron Rodgers, the former jets and packers quarterback, is going to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

[Jordan Klepper]

So this was a decision that was

[Michael Costa]

best for my soul.

[Desi Lydic]

Good for you. Aaron Rodgers. He listened to his soul. The one part of his body that can't get cte.

[Jordan Klepper]

Desi, Desi, Desi, Desi. Did you Botox your brain? Come on. Aaron Rodgers shouldn't be doing anything good for his soul. Everyone knows that bad souls equal great players. O.J. simpson, terrible soul. Incredible player. Mother Teresa, great soul. Dog Shit quarterback.

[Desi Lydic]

You're just mad she wouldn't sleep with you.

[Jordan Klepper]

The one that got away.

[Desi Lydic]

But luckily for the Steelers Aaron Rodgers soul wasn't the only thing making headlines.

[Ronnie Chang]

Rodgers was at the Steelers mandatory minicamp yesterday.

[Jordan Klepper]

Noticeable difference compared to last season. Rogers was rocking a wedding ring.

[Ronnie Chang]

And he did confirm that he's now

[Jordan Klepper]

married, although we don't know the identity of his wife. Ooh, the man does a lot of ayahuasca. Are we sure he knows the identity of his wife? I mean, he could have married a ficus plant. Either way, you know it's true love because he found someone willing to live in Pittsburgh.

[Desi Lydic]

Jordan, we should not be celebrating this. Everyone knows football and marriage don't mix. O.J. simpson. Great football player, terrible marriage. But what do I know? I've only been married 12 times.

[Jordan Klepper]

Which brings us to our say yes to the bet wager of the week. What eradicated disease? Did guests contract at Aaron Rodgers wedding Brought to you by gambling. Gambling? He went to Jared. That's my bookie. And that's all the time we have for sportswar. Join us next week when we debate if hockey would be better if they played on pogo sticks.

[Michael Costa]

What?

[Desi Lydic]

Of course not. They'd slip all over the ice.

[Jordan Klepper]

No, there's no ice. They're playing on a layer of pogo sticks.

[Desi Lydic]

Oh my God. That's the dumbest thing I've ever think about it.

[Commercial Voice]

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[Michael Costa]

Sportswolves brought to you by gambling. Gambling. You're not losing money, you're winning debt. What's up, sports nuts? I'm Michael Kosta.

[Ronnie Chang]

And I'm Ron Chang. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. So if I say defense wins championships,

[Michael Costa]

then I say defense loses lawsuits. And specifically in my DUI case, if they didn't want me to drive into that Dunkin Donuts, then why do they have that sign up that says drive thru? Okay. By the way, Ronnie, can I get a ride home?

[Ronnie Chang]

Uh, yeah, fine. But you have to lay in the trunk like a kidnapping victim.

[Michael Costa]

Thanks, bud. Let's start things off with the greatest sport on earth.

[Jordan Klepper]

Tennis.

[Michael Costa]

This past weekend. This past weekend was the final of the US Open. But it was what went down in the stands throughout the tournament that made the biggest headlines.

[Desi Lydic]

With the attendance at this year's U.S. open expected to shatter previous records, fans haven't exactly been acing tennis etiquette. People are loud and chatty and moving about.

[Michael Costa]

People are complaining that all this alcohol is leading to bad fan behavior.

[Jordan Klepper]

How many have you had? Quite a few. These people are starting to drink.

[Commercial Voice]

Honey.

[Michael Costa]

Deuces at 11am So I think it's just New York.

[Jordan Klepper]

That's the way it's always, always been.

[Ronnie Chang]

Hell, yeah. This is New York City.

[Jordan Klepper]

That's how it is.

[Ronnie Chang]

We're loud, we're drunk. We're spending $6,000 a month to share a one bedroom with four non binary tattoo artists all named Devin. This is what's great about these Grand Slam tournaments, okay? They take on the personality of their host country. The US Open is drunk and loud. Wimbledon is stuffy and inbred. And at the Australian Open, the ball spins the other way.

[Michael Costa]

Wow, Ronnie. Wow. You sure love some crowd noise for someone who performs to complete silence. Look, I got nothing against people having a good time. You know me, I get invited to all types of parties. And it's not just because high school kids know I'll buy beer for them, shout out To Chad and Jared. My point is, different sports have different etiquettes. Tennis fans should be respectful and quiet, just like NASCAR fans should have jean shorts and a Yahoo email address. It's just standard practice. Take it from me, a former ranked professional tennis player ranked 864th in the world. It's true. Look it up.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Michael Costa]

No one watching tennis wants to hear obnoxious drunk fans. They want to hear the sweet, sweet sound of players grunting. Oh, You know what I mean. I knew it.

[Ronnie Chang]

Wow. I guess tennis players can get cte. Which brings us to our bad brain. Better than night. How many honey juice cocktails will someone need to drink to have as much brain damage as Michael Costa? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling problem. Call 1-800-

[Michael Costa]

moving on. This was the opening week for the NFL and things got off to a spit tacular start. The NFL season kicked off last night between the Eagles and the Cowboys. And one of Philly's star players is in the spotlight for all of the wrong reasons. Defensive lineman Jalen Carter was ejected right after the opening kickoff for spitting on Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yo.

[Ronnie Chang]

Ejected for spitting. This is football, okay? Between the blood and the brain matter, spit is the cleanest liquid on the field. People don't tune into football to watch people being nice to each other. We tune in to see when that Fox robot will finally kill Terry Bradshaw. Plus plus the Cowboys should love this. Now that quarterback is all wet and slippery like a newborn baby. And harder to tackle like a newborn baby.

[Michael Costa]

Come on, Ronny. This kind of behavior can't be tolerated. Players shouldn't be spitting on each other. They should be spitting only on the fans. Particularly the ones who took the time to make signs asking for it.

[Ronnie Chang]

Pasta. You disgust me.

[Michael Costa]

How much? Enough to spit on me. Which brings us to our lucky loogie bet of the night. What is wrong with me? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling? Your kids weren't going to college anyway.

[Ronnie Chang]

Let's move on to minor league baseball. It's a sport watched by people who don't know movies exist. But one minor league team is using some major league technology.

[Jordan Klepper]

Artificial intelligence made its professional sports debut over the weekend in Oakland.

[Desi Lydic]

Yeah, get this. The ballers replaced their manager with an AI program, creating the lineups and recommending pitching changes. And they won. So we spoke with the team's previous manager, Aaron Miles, about being the first manager ever replaced by artificial intelligence.

[Jordan Klepper]

Every person out here in a job that knows AI may be coming for their job doesn't like this at all. You know What I mean, and part

[Michael Costa]

of me is, you know, thinks that too. A part of you thinks it's bad that you'll be replaced by AI Stand up for yourself, man. AI can't replace you. Only a human being can spend nine innings in the dugout scratching his nutsack, going. Good eye. Good eye, Ronnie. If you ask me, we need to ban all AI from sports.

[Ronnie Chang]

Costa, that's the worst thing I've ever heard. And I've read the Gene Hackman coroner report, right? AI is what baseball needs. This is how baseball works, okay? It's always evolving and teams are always looking for an edge. I mean, first it was the curve ball, then it was black people, now it's AI plus it's a statistics driven sport, okay? You'd think white people ever gonna learn math.

[Jordan Klepper]

Oh, oh really? Oh really? Oh really?

[Michael Costa]

Taking a shot at white people? We don't know math. Well, maybe you can count these two. You're good. But my point remains. You don't need AI to win a baseball. All you need is heart, determination, and a few good Dominican guys. Which brings us to our AI A bet of the American pastime. Will AI ruin next? As always, brought to you by gambling, use promo code Costa for $100 in instant debt. And that's all the time we have for sportswar. Join us next time where we will debate if rugby should be played on actual rugs.

[Ronnie Chang]

Yeah, of course not. Think of the cleaning fees.

[Michael Costa]

You can clean a rug? Yeah, it's a.

[Desi Lydic]

For sport.

[Michael Costa]

Brought to you by Gamblin.

[Jordan Klepper]

Gamblin.

[Michael Costa]

It's not just for professional athletes.

[Ronnie Chang]

What's up numbnuts? I'm Ronnie Chang.

[Jordan Klepper]

And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is sportswar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. So if I say college basketball is more exciting than the NBA.

[Ronnie Chang]

Well then I say college basketball. Who's watching the NBA and thinking, gee, I wish these players also had homework.

[Jordan Klepper]

Come on, Ronnie. Homework builds character.

[Ronnie Chang]

Yeah, your mom builds character. That's right. She raised a good boy who grew up into a fine man with compassion and empathy.

[Jordan Klepper]

You Ronny. Let's kick things off with the Los Angeles Dodgers who continued celebrating their World Series victory this week.

[Desi Lydic]

The Dodgers and their basking in the glow of back to back World Series titles. Will Smith was the hero, hitting a game winning home run in the top of the 11th inning. An estimated 250,000 fans flooding downtown LA

[Michael Costa]

at the World Series after party. Dodger star and newly crowned champion Freddie Freeman doing the worm.

[Jordan Klepper]

Wow. Wow. Congratulations. Who Says white people can't dance like it's 1995. My penis hurt just watching.

[Ronnie Chang]

All in all, this World Series reminded me of Jordan's pre show bathroom routine. It was long, dramatic, and involved multiple Japanese guys.

[Jordan Klepper]

Shut up, Ronny. Everything done by them, to them is consensual. For me. Nothing. Nothing topped Dodgers catcher Will Smith hitting that series winning home run and finally redeeming himself for that time he slapped Chris Rock in the face.

[Ronnie Chang]

That was a different Will Smith, you moron. This one is a white guy.

[Jordan Klepper]

I know Ronnie, and I'm talk a white Chris Rock that white Will Smith slapped. There's a lot of people named Chris Rock and Will Smith out there, and they all hate each other. Point is, the Dodgers championship was straight out of a baseball movie. A true Hollywood ending.

[Ronnie Chang]

Ugh, did someone break a bat over your giant head? This was another boring Hollywood reboot. Okay? The Dodgers won. Hooray. Yeah, they won it last year and spent more money to do it again this year. Big deal. If you want to see a true Hollywood underdog story, imagine a team of grandmas winning the World Series, all played by me, Ronny Chieng, in nine different old fat suits. I call it grand slam. And it's filled with hardcore nudity.

[Jordan Klepper]

Which brings us to our fat suit fat cat bed of the night. Which British actor will play Shohe Ayotani in a Netflix Original series about the Dodgers? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling, you lose 100% of the bets you don't make with your wife's credit card.

[Ronnie Chang]

Speaking of gambling, it's been a tough month for America's favorite new pastime.

[Jordan Klepper]

A new fallout from the gambling scandal in the NDA. Authorities accused Miami Heat player Terry Rozier

[Michael Costa]

of faking an injury and feeding that information to Betters commissioner Adam Silver.

[Desi Lydic]

Speaking out.

[Jordan Klepper]

There's nothing more important to the league and its fans than the integrity of the competition.

[Ronnie Chang]

That's right. That half man, half lizard is right. This affects not only the integrity of the NBA, but it puts the entire sports gambling ecosystem in jeopardy. Which is why it's time for a rare sports war. Ceasefire.

[Michael Costa]

Sportswar Ceasefire activated.

[Ronnie Chang]

We here at Sportswar have prepared a joint statement.

[Jordan Klepper]

Thank you, Ronald. To whom it may concern, if you're the kind of depraved, low life scum that would throw a game to win a bet for your friends, then we have one thing to say to you. Hit us up, bro.

[Ronnie Chang]

Seriously, Terry, what the. I love having inside information. Hey, anyone planning on tearing the AC out tonight? Well, slide into my DMs I'll put you in my parlay. Don't worry, I can be trusted. Okay. You wouldn't believe the stuff Jordan has told me in confidence. Like how he's the hims.com customer of the year.

[Jordan Klepper]

Okay, you know what? You only know that because you were the runner up.

[Ronnie Chang]

Which brings us to our rock hard. Better than night. How many months until Jordan flies to Thailand for penile rejuvenation? Brought to you by gambling.

[Jordan Klepper]

Gambling?

[Ronnie Chang]

Your wife's pin number is 5266. If she changes it, just say what? You don't trust me?

[Jordan Klepper]

Turning now to sports for people who can't play sports. Big news in professional darts.

[Desi Lydic]

Aussie darts player has been banned from

[Michael Costa]

using his nickname at the upcoming world championships.

[Ronnie Chang]

Tim Pusey Magnet, as fans refer to him, is not allowed to use his

[Michael Costa]

moniker for the December event after the governing body deemed it, well, vulgar.

[Ronnie Chang]

Hey, chill out, Professional Dots league let him use his nickname, the Magnet. Why are these officials being such a dick to pussy? All right, the only reason a dart league should have a governing body is to make sure you're drunk and fat enough to play.

[Jordan Klepper]

Ronnie, you know less about darts than you do about pussy. The darts governing body is right on the money here. First of all, this guy stole my nickname from college.

[Ronnie Chang]

There is no chance your nickname in college was Pussy Magnet.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah, I know it was Tim.

[Ronnie Chang]

What? Your name is Jordan.

[Jordan Klepper]

Yeah, but back in college, let's just say I was a real Tim. So I say good for the darts leg. When I'm watching darts, I'm not trying to think about Tim Pussy getting laid. I'm trying to think about what went wrong in my life that I'm watching a professional darts game. Which brings us to our Vajayjj parlay bed of the night. What will Tim Pussy's new nickname be brought to you by? Gambling. Gambling. Your wife's birthday's coming up. Buy her a nice necklace. So the credit card statement says Kay Jewelers. Then return that necklace for cash and buy a much cheaper necklace. Use the leftover cash on a seven way parlay on North Korean cornhole. If your wife calls you out and says, wait, this cheap ass necklace cost $10,000. You didn't buy an expensive necklace, return it for cash and then buy a cheaper necklace so you can leftover cash on North Korean cornhole. Did you? You just start crying and say how dare you. Then head straight to the airport and beg them for a job. After a few months, they'll promote you to baggage handler so you can rifle through people's luggage until you find a decent necklace, then bring it home to your wife and say, found it, honey. Gambling. It's just that easy.

[Ronnie Chang]

Well, that's all the time we have for sportswar. Join us next time where we debate if hockey would be better if it had a ball court and black people.

[Jordan Klepper]

That's basketball.

[Ronnie Chang]

Oh yeah, that's a great name for it. I was gonna call it black hockey. I mean, you can play that.

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[Michael Costa]

Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Your wife won't know if you open a bank account in Maau.

[Ronnie Chang]

What's up, Bulldogs? I'm Roy Chan.

[Michael Costa]

And I'm Michael Costa. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed agree with each other. So if I say Indiana winning the national championship was the most surprising sports

[Ronnie Chang]

story of all time, then I say, uh, hello. Are you forgetting OJ nothing. What's more surprising than his infamous 2000 yard rushing season?

[Michael Costa]

Oh, that was not the most surprising thing OJ has ever done. And this is true. He once murdered his audition for the Naked Gun. Allegedly. But let's move on to even bigger football news because Super Bowl LX is set. The Seattle Seahawks and the New England Patriots now headed to the big dance.

[Desi Lydic]

Pats fans are dancing in the snow filled streets.

[Michael Costa]

There are a lot of fried vocal cords in Seattle. Two teams from opposite coast ready to face off in football's biggest game. Yes, it's the Seahawks versus the Patriots. Seattle versus New England. Starbucks versus Duncan. Point is, I am shitting myself with excitement and neither will give me the bathroom code. Ronnie, who do you like?

[Ronnie Chang]

Well, Costa, I gotta go with Seattle for pretty obvious reasons because that is where Frazier lived in his hit sitcom Frasier.

[Michael Costa]

Ronny. That is the dumbest reason to support Seattle. I'm all in on New England for one simple reason. Boston is where Frasier lived in the hit sitcom Cheers.

[Jordan Klepper]

Uh,

[Ronnie Chang]

Costa, sounds like we got ourselves a Frazier Bowl.

[Michael Costa]

Of course. This is a rematch of the 2015 Frazier Bowl. And if it's anything like that game, by the fourth quarter, those players brains will be tossed salad and scrambled eggs. And I'm here for it.

[Ronnie Chang]

Any non Phrasia based analysis of the

[Michael Costa]

game you'd like to add?

[Jordan Klepper]

No. Great.

[Ronnie Chang]

That brings us to our BB net. Wolf. Better the night. What song will Bad Bunny perform with Kelsey Grammer during this year's halftime show? Brought to you by. Gambling. Gambling problem. Good.

[Michael Costa]

Moving on from pigskin to whatever animal hockey pucks are made from. The NHL is seeing a huge resurgence thanks to one unlikely bedfellow. The show heated rivalry, which we've been talking about all morning, being credited with a surge in interest for hockey tickets. Stubhub Says there has been a 40% spike. 40% in NHL searches since that show debuted.

[Ronnie Chang]

Woo.

[Michael Costa]

This is fantastic news. Now, I haven't watched Heated Rivalry, but I love any show about hockey. I can't wait to meet these characters and their devoted wives.

[Ronnie Chang]

Yeah, Costa, I have some bad news for you. The on screen hockey in this show is terrible.

[Michael Costa]

What? Well, at least tell me the characters are gay.

[Ronnie Chang]

Of course they are.

[Jordan Klepper]

Great.

[Michael Costa]

Then I'm back in. I was sick of having to watch hockey and gay porn on two different screens at the same time. This is much more efficient and it's great for hockey fans.

[Ronnie Chang]

Uh, wrong. It is awful for hockey fans in the stands like me. All right. Cause now when I kiss random men on the kiss cam, people will think I'm gay instead of just trying to start off. Which brings us to our LGBT bet of the night.

[Michael Costa]

Which gay actor will win NHL's Most Valuable Player? Brought to you by Gambling. Gambling. Did you know you have unlimited plasma?

[Ronnie Chang]

Moving on. We are just days away from the Winter Olympics, the world's second favorite kind of Olympics. But it's never too early to start cheating.

[Jordan Klepper]

Norwegian ski jumpers have been suspended from the upcoming Winter Olympics after enlarging the crotch area of their uniform. Some ski jumpers go further, using pumps to manipulate their crotch size so they can fly like a kite.

[Michael Costa]

What a disgrace. It's one thing to take steroids or gamble on your own games, or hire your idiot boyfriend to take a pipe to your rival's knee, but lying about your dong size? That's where I draw a big veiny line. Well, an average sized line, but veiny. Imagine a purple spider web.

[Ronnie Chang]

Okay, enough. Stop telling me about your dick. I prefer text that way it's searchable. First of all, if lying about your dick is a crime, then lock me and my massive hog right up. This is great for ski jumping, okay? Cause I'm finally gonna tune in. Now, instead of watching to see if the ski jumpers die, I'll be watching to see how big their dicks are right before they die.

[Michael Costa]

Come on. Come on, Ronny. Think of safety here. Some of these ski jumpers are inflating the size of their penises with hyaluronic acid. The only acid that should be anywhere near the penis is lsd. Trust me, I did it. And I was soaring. A great eagle lifted me on its talons and carried me all the way to Saturn, where the ghost of Benjamin Franklin shared with me the great universal truths. And when I awoke, I was in a camping tent filled with elderly Chinese Tourists. Again, apologies to the Huang family for ruining their reunion.

[Ronnie Chang]

I don't know how to feel about that. Which brings us to our skee balls bet of the night. Will Olympic ski jumper Sven the Dune Worm Christensen take home the gold brought to you by gambling? Gambling? It's probably in the Bible.

[Michael Costa]

Well, that's all for this edition of Sportswear. Join us next time when we'll debate whether there should be an Autumn Olympics.

[Ronnie Chang]

Oh, Autumn Olympics. I would take the golden leaf peeping. No question.

[Michael Costa]

You wouldn't know the difference between a cherry tree and a quacking ass.

[Jordan Klepper]

You.

[Ronnie Chang]

I'll kiss your ass.

[Michael Costa]

You don't know anything about.

[Jordan Klepper]

Forge war. Brought to you by gambling. Gambling.

[Michael Costa]

90,000 commercials can't be wrong.

[Desi Lydic]

What's up to all my good, bad and fugly bunnies? I'm Desi Lydic.

[Jordan Klepper]

And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is sportswar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

[Desi Lydic]

So if I say the opening ceremony in Milan was a beautiful celebration of

[Jordan Klepper]

Italian culture, then I say it was complete insult to Italy. No sopranos, theme song, zero people dressed as lasagna. I mean, they might as well of pissed on the grave of Chef Boyardee.

[Desi Lydic]

Can it, you talking strand of spaghetti. Let's kick things off with the Super Bowl. It's supposed to be the super bowl of sporting events, but this year it was all about the halftime show.

[Michael Costa]

Nobody brought the house down like Bad Bunny.

[Jordan Klepper]

The global Superstar showcase. An ode to Puerto Rico.

[Desi Lydic]

The singer's show was the most watched halftime performance of all time, making history as the first Spanish language halftime show performer.

[Jordan Klepper]

Ay yai yai. Muy caliente. Bad Bunny was hot. I mean, watching him swivel those hips. I haven't been this confused since college. That Intro to Philosophy class made no sense. Also, I had several gay experiences.

[Desi Lydic]

Jordan, you top shelf dingus. It was too hot. See, that's the problem. These halftime shows have become so elaborate that they're starting to overshadow the actual game. We need to go back to simpler times, like 1908, when they just bring a donkey out at halftime and everyone would be like, oh, shit, a donkey.

[Jordan Klepper]

As someone who has a timeshare in Tijuana, trust me, there's nothing hotter than a donkey show. As they say in TJ Hee Haw, Senor Jordan.

[Desi Lydic]

Which brings us to our Latin lover, Beta the noche. Well, will anyone tune in to watch Jordan and his donkey at next year's alternative halftime show brought to you by Gambling. Gambling Pork. No Moving on to the other major sporting event of the weekend, the Winter Olympics, where apparently skiing doesn't mean doing cocaine. Once again, my apologies for following the Norwegian men's freestyle team into the bathroom. Anyway, this year in Milan, Olympic athletes are leaving their mark like never before.

[Michael Costa]

This morning, the political firestorm igniting under the Olympic flame.

[Desi Lydic]

Olympic skier British American Gus Kenworthy writing

[Commercial Voice]

f ice in urine in the snow and posting it to Instagram.

[Jordan Klepper]

Ay ay yai yai yai. Muy caliente.

[Michael Costa]

Woo.

[Jordan Klepper]

This guy was able to start and stop his between letters. Man. Oh, that is some gold medal pissing. In fact, peeing in the snow should be an Olympic event and I would dominate. I mean, look what I did in the backyard this morning.

[Desi Lydic]

Jesus, how much urine is that? No wonder your wife sleeps in a wetsuit. Peeing in snow should be outlawed not just at the Olympics, but everywhere. I mean, what happens when someone eats that yellow snow because she thinks it looks delicious even though everyone keeps telling her, don't eat yellow snow, it doesn't taste like Gatorade. And sure, sure, she even wrote it on her hand as a reminder. But she's wearing gloves because it's so cold outside. So she ate the snow anyway because she's sick and tired of everyone telling her what to do. And you know what? It didn't taste like Gatorade. It tasted like urine. But she had to come to that conc all on her own. What about those people, Jordan?

[Jordan Klepper]

Which brings me to my pee pee pants parlay bet of the night. Which country will take home the gold in Olympic snow peen Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, double down.

[Desi Lydic]

Moving on from something delicious and yellow on snow to something delicious and yellow on ice.

[Jordan Klepper]

We turn back to Milan, where one

[Michael Costa]

Olympic figure skater isn't just dreaming of gold, but minion yellow too. Tomas Llorens Guarino Sabate. His signature short program featuring songs from the wildly popular Despicable Me movies.

[Desi Lydic]

Minions over Mozart. It's nice to mix it up in figure skating.

[Jordan Klepper]

I, I, I, I, I know. Caliente. This is despicable for me and the entire sport of figure skating. I mean, where's Tonya Harding with a pipe when you need her?

[Desi Lydic]

Jordan, the scores are in. You're a moron. This performance was what the Olympics are all about. There's something for everyone skating. Copyright law, adults wearing overalls. Anyone can nail a double axel and a skin tight unitard. But it takes real skill to do it in A spirit Halloween costume. His parents should be so proud. Assuming they still speak to him.

[Jordan Klepper]

Are you kidding me, Desi? The only thing more certain than this guy not getting an Olympic medal is him not getting chlamydia in the Olympic village. I mean, you have to to get the td.

[Desi Lydic]

Which brings us to our millionaire maker, bed of the night. What movie character will Tomas skate as next? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling? Si. Copa. Tota tea. Banana. Banana.

[Jordan Klepper]

Well, that's all the time we have for Sportswar. Join us next week when we debate if the Winter Olympics should be in the summer and feature running and swimming. I think it's a good idea. I think it is a great idea. Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a [e-mail] upfront payment of

[Desi Lydic]

$45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for a 12 month plan required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. Me slow when network is busy. See terms.

[Michael Costa]

Got a Sam's Cafe pizza.

[Announcer]

Order up.

[Jordan Klepper]

Mm, mm, mm.

[Ronnie Chang]

You know the best part about this spicy Italian sausage?

[Jordan Klepper]

I voted for this topping.

[Michael Costa]

Yeah, just another perk of being a member.

[Desi Lydic]

Come join us.

[Ronnie Chang]

Sam's Club.

[Michael Costa]

Sports War, brought to you by gambling.

[Jordan Klepper]

Gambling. It's God's test to see if you're a pussy.

[Desi Lydic]

What's up, ball taggers and teabaggers? I'm Desi Lydic.

[Jordan Klepper]

And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is sportswar, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

[Desi Lydic]

So if I say ice hockey is the best kind of hockey, then I say, screw that.

[Jordan Klepper]

It's tonsil hockey. I've been told by multiple people it's the best kind of hockey. And one day I'll get my shots.

[Desi Lydic]

Moving on. We're halfway through March and my pea is green, which I Hope is from St. Patty's Day. But it also means that March Madness is upon us. And this year, there's a foolproof way to pick the winner.

[Jordan Klepper]

March Madness is just two days away.

[Michael Costa]

And if you haven't done so yet,

[Jordan Klepper]

it's time to fill out those brackets.

[Desi Lydic]

This season, though, some people are turning to AI to create the best bracket

[Michael Costa]

not only can AI better inform your picks, it actually gives you better odds of avoiding that dreaded bracket buster.

[Jordan Klepper]

What? What? What? No, no. This is madness. And not good madness like March Madness. Bad madness like what Shia LaBeouf has. AI should not be settling our brackets. Whatever happened to just picking the screen with the hottest mascots? Plus, I tried using Grok to fill out my bracket, and it just warned me that Jewish teams control the weather.

[Desi Lydic]

Jordan, you drooling giraffe. AI picking college basketball is the future I've been waiting for. Letting AI right my bracket means I finally have time to do things that I love, like letting AI my husband. Thanks, AI. I haven't had a fake headache in six.

[Jordan Klepper]

And that brings us to my slop prop bet of the night. Who will Grok pick to win March Madness? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling? It's a hobby and an addiction. It's a hob diction. Let's move on to baseball, America's favorite sport in 1945, where last night at the World Baseball Classic, Venezuela kidnapped a win from the usa.

[Desi Lydic]

The World Baseball Classic Stunner for Team

[Commercial Voice]

usa Venezuela scored the go ahead run

[Desi Lydic]

late and shut down the Americans in

[Commercial Voice]

the bottom of the ninth to win three to two.

[Desi Lydic]

It is Team Venezuela's first championship at

[Commercial Voice]

the World Baseball Classic.

[Desi Lydic]

What? What? America lost the World Baseball Classic. Something I just learned about four seconds ago. I will never get over this. Being humiliated on the world stage is something we do on the battlefield, not the baseball field. Shame on America's mostly Cuban and Dominican team for losing to Venezuela.

[Jordan Klepper]

Actually, Desi, it was mostly white Americans on our team.

[Desi Lydic]

What were we even trying to win?

[Jordan Klepper]

Desi. Desi, did you staple your wig to your brain again? Come on. It's fine that Venezuela won the wood. Venezuela is going to be part of America in a few weeks. So either way, that trophy is ours. We did it, boys.

[Desi Lydic]

Which brings us to our wallet invasion bet of the night, which soon to be US State will win the World Cup. Brought to you by gambling. Gambling? You can bet on war.

[Jordan Klepper]

Now moving on to the only thing more American than baseball. Strippers.

[Desi Lydic]

The NBA has canceled a a strip club promotion planned by the Atlanta Hawks.

[Jordan Klepper]

The team had planned to celebrate Atlanta's Magic City strip club.

[Michael Costa]

They said it was going to be

[Jordan Klepper]

a tribute to the iconic cultural institution. Oh, good for you, NBA for canceling this promotion. Don't get me wrong, I love and fully support the idea of including more women in the NBA, but this is not the way to do it. If it were up to Me, women would get their own league where they get to play basketball. We could call something catchy like the NBA for women or Girls be hoopin'. I'm an ally. Hold for applause.

[Desi Lydic]

How about you hold my nuts in your mouth? Not only should the NBA have kept this promotion, they should have gone further. I want an NBA game with the full strip club experience. Lap dances in the nosebleeds, taking out cash from an ATM with a. With a $79 service fee. Turning location sharing off on my phone. Wiping the glitter off my face with a rally towel. Using a foam finger to desi.

[Jordan Klepper]

Desi. Okay, okay, stop.

[Desi Lydic]

Which brings us to our making it rain bet of the week. Which Magic City stripper will fall off the pole first? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. 100 NBA refs can't be wrong.

[Jordan Klepper]

Well, that's all the time we have for Sportswar. Join us next week as we debate if Air Bud is the greatest animal athlete of all time.

[Desi Lydic]

No way. I know a salamander named Joe that is sick at hockey.

[Jordan Klepper]

You don't know a salamander.

[Michael Costa]

Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount.

[Ronnie Chang]

Plus,

[Michael Costa]

this has been a Comedy Central podcast.

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[Michael Costa]

Evening Buyer's Remorse. Buy a new car.

[Ronnie Chang]

I'll be moving in.

[Michael Costa]

Let's get started.

[Desi Lydic]

Sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana.

[Michael Costa]

You what?

[Desi Lydic]

Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love

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[Jordan Klepper]

So there's no.

[Ronnie Chang]

No.

[Desi Lydic]

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More like buyers rejoice.

[Michael Costa]

I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it.

[Desi Lydic]

Buyers rejoice.

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